


When They Were Boys

by leadusnot



Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Child Abuse, Common Teenager Situations, Drug Abuse, Family, First Time Consensual Sex, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Labor & Delivery (Female), Loss of Virginity, Love, Newborn, References to Past Child Abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Teenagers, occasional strong language, references to child neglect, self exploration
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-03
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-28 18:39:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 155
Words: 521,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3865498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leadusnot/pseuds/leadusnot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony and Lily are a childless couple who have taken in foster children for years.  They take a break after a great loss, but when their social worker calls them with the proposition of a young boy who desperately needs a place to be loved, nurtured, and most of all understood, they can't resist going to meet him.  Just meeting him can't hurt.  Right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Genesis

Lily and Tony Girardi sat in a room at the Department of Children and Families. A social worker, a woman they knew quite well, sat across from them at the table. She was talking, but Lily wasn’t listening. Her mind kept wandering to another time and place. She snapped back to reality when she felt Tony kick her under the table.  
“---is a really great kid, but has never had consistent love and stability,” Cassie was saying. “His parents divorced when he was two. He hasn’t seen his father since, and his mother just can’t provide for him properly. He’s harboring a lot of anger right now, and we haven’t yet found a foster home that’s willing to give him the time and patience he needs. But...the second his file hit my desk, I thought of you guys. I really think this could be a good fit…”  
“Is Mom ever going to regain custody?” Tony asked.  
“Honestly? Probably not,” Cassie responded with a sigh. “She also swears up and down that she’s never going to sign her rights over, so I honestly don’t know whether he will ever be up for adoption or not.”  
Tony looked over at Lily. His brown eyes held her blue eyed gaze.  
“So...what do you think? Can we do this again?”  
Lily stood up and looked through the window at the boy in the room next to them. He was sitting slouched in an armchair. His face was sullen and stubborn, but his eyes...his eyes were frightened and lost. Lily took him in. His legs seemed long for his age, and his skin was slightly bronzed. His hair came just above his shoulder. It was black and wavy, and appeared to be silky. Lily couldn’t stop looking at his eyes. They were an interesting shade of blue, and although they appeared dull right now, she knew there was a spark in there somewhere. She turned back to Tony.  
“I’m not really sure we have a choice,” she answered quietly.

____________________________

The door opened and three people entered. Now he was surrounded by grown ups. Adults, he’d figured out, were pretty much useless most of the time. They lied. They left you alone. They were only in it for themselves. He knew a lot about that, way more than any nine-year-old ought to. He kept his gaze on the floor. He’d learned enough by now to know that if he ignored them, there was a better chance that they’d leave him alone. He tensed as he felt one of them move closer to him. Suddenly a pair of wedge sandals appeared directly in front of his own feet. Her toenails were painted purple. He felt her crouch down before him.  
“Hello, Roman,” came a soft voice. He kept his eyes down. She didn’t SOUND horrible, but he was aware that didn’t always count for much.  
“Roman,” this was Cassie’s voice. Cassie was his new social worker. She’d promised him when she picked him up that she was going to find him a set of foster parents who wouldn’t give up on him this time. To Roman, it all seemed like the same circus, just different clowns. But he also was unlikely to be given a choice. He had to live SOMEWHERE. Cassie continued.  
“These are the Girardi’s, Roman. Look at us, please.”  
Roman sighed deeply and allowed his gaze to drift upwards, making sure to keep the defiant look on his face. If these people were going to toss him out like old garbage eventually, he wasn’t going to even pretend to be interested in them. That would make it all easier. But he wasn’t prepared for what he saw when he looked up.  
The woman before him had long, thick hair the color of honey. A soft smile played on her lips, but she definitely wasn’t looking at him with a giant fake grin, or like a ridiculous lovesick puppy the way most of his other foster mothers had. It was her eyes, though, that threw him. They were clear and blue, and the expression in them was---odd. Roman considered himself an expert by now on reading expressions. Body language too. Most people said one thing but their eyes told him that they were lying. But Mrs. Girardi’s eyes were genuine. Soft. And vaguely...well...sad. Roman briefly wondered what had happened to her to give her eyes that quality of sadness. Then he scolded himself. He wasn’t supposed to care. He didn’t want to care. Except...if he didn’t care, why did he have a constricted feeling in his chest suddenly? And why did he have a ridiculous urge to leap into her arms? She couldn’t be trusted; they never could. Trusting an adult had never ever ended well. No, no matter how real this woman seemed, he couldn’t risk it. It wasn’t worth getting hurt again. Roman let his gaze drop back to his feet.  
“Hey, Roman,” the man’s voice that time. Mr. Girardi’s voice was low and kind of gravelly. “How ya doing?”  
Roman shrugged but didn’t look up. Undaunted, Mr. Girardi continued talking.  
“My name’s Tony,” he said. What, Roman wasn’t expected to call him “Dad”? “You in to baseball?”  
Roman shrugged again.  
“My brother is the manager of the New York Yankees. I’m from Brooklyn originally myself. Lily’s a big Cubs fan though, and most of her family roots for the Rangers. Makes for some interesting holidays, that’s for sure.” It took Roman a second to gather that Lily was probably Mrs. Girardi. He had no idea what a Yankee was, but he had been to a Rangers game once, with one of the many foster families who had eventually decided he was more trouble than he was worth. He felt Cassie’s hand on his back. “Roman told me he’s a football guy,” she said.  
“Yeah? Who’s your team?” Tony asked.  
“49ers,” Roman muttered to his feet. He was startled when he heard Tony laugh and Lily let out a loud groan. Slightly intrigued, he looked up to really see Tony for the first time. He looked absolutely nothing like Roman had figured. He was tall and thin, with deep brown eyes and a dimple on his left cheek. His hair was pulled back into a dark ponytail, and, most surprising, his right ear was pierced.  
“HA! This kid is after my own heart!” Tony seemed giddy.  
“I’m doomed,” Lily groaned again.  
“She’s a Packers fan,” Tony filled Roman in with a laugh. “How a Packers fan wound up in Houston is anyone’s guess.”  
“Probably the same way a 9er’s fan came out of Brooklyn,” Lily teased back. Roman fought off a smile. He still didn’t like them, but the way they ribbed each other gently was a little reassuring.  
“How do you feel about ice cream?” Lily asked him.  
“S’okay…” he responded softly.  
“Bet Roman’s a steak guy,” Tony cut in, kneeling down next to Lily in front of Roman. Lily playfully elbowed Tony in the gut, and he feigned a pained expression. This time Roman couldn’t help it. A small smile betrayed him. He quickly managed to get himself back under control but it was too late. They had seen it.  
“So...what do you say, Roman? Think you can give us a try?” Lily’s voice sounded truly hopeful. “We’re imperfect but we’re a lot of fun, I promise.”  
“Maybe she’s not perfect but I’m damn close,” Tony cut in. Roman’s eyes widened at his comfortable use of a curse word, expecting Lily to let him have it, but she just grinned.  
“Pardon his French,” she looked at Tony fondly. “He learned that in Brooklyn but unfortunately he didn’t start to learn any manners ‘til he met me, so he’s a little behind.”  
Even Cassie laughed at this, and although Roman managed to bite back another smile, inside he felt...strange. For the first time since he’d been picked up at school and brought to Social Services, the feeling of dread in his stomach and the huge lump in his throat felt...smaller. Although he hated it, the urge to throw himself into Lily’s arms was still there, and the idea of going home with these obviously crazy people was just a tiny bit, maybe just a little...exciting. But he surely wasn’t going to let them know that. Instead he stared them down for a minute, silently letting them know that there was still time for them to back out. Tony looked directly into his eyes.  
“Listen, we know…” he began slowly. “We know you’ve been bounced a bunch. And Jesus, a tough kid like you, we know you can handle it but it’s still gotta be just a little bit hard. So it’s your call. No one’s going to make you take a chance on us, Roman. We hope you will, but you’re almost 10, practically a grown man, and if you’d like a few minutes or even a few days to think it over, that’s okay.”  
Roman’s eyes widened; was this guy for real? Never did he ever recall being given the opportunity to CHOOSE something before. He didn’t really have to think about it but in the interest of not sounding too eager, he hardened his voice as much as he could.  
“Gotta be better than a group home right?” Roman replied. “But if I don’t like it…”  
“Oh, I get it,” Tony looked as serious as a heart attack. “If you don’t like it you’re outta there. Works for me. Does it work for you Lu?”  
“Works for me,” Lily said. “But only if you’re sure, Roman. Tony’s right; this is a huge decision.”  
“Well, I’ve decided, haven’t I?” Roman knew he sounded a little rude, but better to let them know he wasn’t playing, though he expected they both knew he was bluffing anyway. “I’ll go with you.”  
Lily’s face brightened. No one ever...DANG IT, why did they have to seem so genuine? Roman was beginning to hate himself, but the Girardi’s seemed to be casting a spell over him. That was it; it had to be magic. Or witchcraft. Because Roman Reigns was NOT going to fall for it of his own volition. He was not going to allowed himself to get hurt again. But then, a few nights in a real house with real food and a real bed couldn’t harm anything. Right?

____________________________

Tony Girardi smiled to himself as he drove his wife and new foster son to his house. Lily had been telling Roman all about it.  
“We have your bedroom ready,” she’d told him. “Just furniture for now, but you’ll be able to decorate any way you want it. There’s a sports store at the mall. Bet Tony could find you some cool 49ers stuff. You okay with dogs?”  
“Yeah,” came the sullen reply. Roman was doing his best to appear neutral and Tony knew he was fighting with himself. He had a damn good poker face for a 9-year-old but his eyes told the truth---the kid was absolutely petrified. Not without good reason, Tony reckoned. The boy had been in 17 foster homes in 7 years, ever since he was a toddler. Tony knew a great deal about Roman, actually. He knew the kid would have trouble sleeping at first. He knew he was allergic to pollen. He knew he struggled in school, not because he wasn’t smart but because he lacked confidence. He knew Roman’s mother was completely useless, and he also knew that Roman would defend her anyway as often as given the chance, AND he knew that Roman would become a beast for a day or two after scheduled visitation. He knew Roman loved root beer, pizza, strawberry Twizzlers, and strangely, sushi. He knew that he would keep up the charade of not caring, of not wanting to be there, as long as he needed to in order to keep himself up to his perception of safety, and Tony Girardi also knew, was resolutely certain, that Roman wanted desperately to be accepted by his new foster parents.  
He and Lily were the right place for Roman. And Tony knew eventually Roman would learn that. It would be a slow process, it would take time, and Roman would likely fight it at first, but one thing he and Lily were not was a couple of quitters. They were equipped. They knew what to do. Roman had no idea what he was in for.  
Tony’s thoughts dissipated and he snapped back to reality when he heard Lily telling Roman about the house, about the four dogs, six cats, eight horses, the land, the pool. He considered telling her not to overwhelm the kid, but he didn’t. She was about as anxious for things to work as Roman was.  
In truth, Tony was still a little surprised that Lily had even agreed to this. It’d been a long time since they’d had a foster child, and Roman was going to be a bit of a challenge. That was okay with them though. A challenge was what they wanted. It was a welcome distraction from the way things had ended up last time…  
Tony snapped himself out of it again as their sprawling ranch-style house came into view. He watched the rearview mirror as Roman’s eyes widened and he sat up straight.   
“This is where you LIVE?” He seemed stunned. Tony grinned.  
“Yup. Here we are. Home sweet home.” He parked the car and got Roman’s bags from the trunk while Roman and Lily got out. As soon as the garage door opened, the sound of delighted barking began to fill the air. Roman looked around cautiously. Lily patted his arm.  
“Don’t worry,” she said. “They won’t hurt you. They’re just crazy excited that we’re home. We’ll leave them in their room until they calm down a little so they can greet you properly.”  
Roman nodded but said nothing. Tony wondered if he was trying to set some sort of record for how little he could speak. He caught Roman’s eye.  
“C’mon. Let’s go in and we’ll show you around.”  
The first thing that greeted them when they walked into the laundry room from the garage was a massive black and white tuxedo cat lounging on the dryer. The cat, clearly unconcerned with the newcomer, regarded them placidly.  
“Kitty number 1: Fats Domino,” Lily explained to Roman. “He’s kinda the house lounge lizard. Lazy as the day is long, but nothing bugs this one. Want to pet him?”  
Roman reached his hand out and touched the cat. A good sign, Tony thought. The room buzzed as Fats began to purr under Roman’s touch. They continued into the kitchen. Roman’s eyes grew wide as he looked around. Another cat, an orange one, was curled up on the dining table. Tony watched as Lily guided Roman in that direction.  
“Thomas O’Malley, get off the table,” she chided. Roman patted Thomas. His features were already beginning to soften slightly.  
“There are four more right?” He asked.  
“Yup. A couple that you’ll see and a couple more that may not come out for a week. Just depends on the mood.”  
“Why so many?”  
“Why so many what? Pets?” Lily clarified.  
“Yeah.”  
“Well…” she considered the question. “Every one of our animals, even the horses, were rescued from some sort of situation or other. I guess we’ve always just kind of figured that everyone deserves a chance, no matter how many legs you have. However,” Lily scooped the cat up and set him down on the floor, “there are still no kitties allowed on the table.”  
Tony winked at Roman.  
“He’ll be back up there the second we leave the room.”  
The tour continued through the large living area, a smaller living area, and past a den with a desk and a computer. When they entered it, Lily gestured around.  
“My office,” she said.  
Roman slowly turned in a circle. Then he walked to the wall to look at Lily’s diplomas and certificates hanging in frames. They all read “Dr. Lily Girardi.”  
“You’re a doctor?” Roman asked.  
“Yup,” said Lily.  
“A skilled orthopedic surgeon,” Tony added.  
“What’s that?”  
“It means she fixes bones and joints and stuff. A lot of athletic injuries, things like that.” Roman nodded again, then nearly jumped out of his skin when something brushed against his legs. He looked down, startled, at the brown and white tabby cat now circling his ankles. Then he looked up at Tony quizzically.  
“Dr. Who,” Tony supplied.  
“Who?”  
“Not who. Dr. Who.”  
“But…”  
Lily laughed gently.  
“It’s a TV show,” she explained. “We’ll watch sometime. Tony and I are kind of nerds and we like stuff like that.”  
They left Lily’s office. Tony could feel his excitement mounting; he was ready to show Roman his bedroom. They paused at the master bedroom first.  
“This is our room,” Lily said. “Of course if you ever need us at night, this is where you’ll find us.”  
They continued down the long hall to the end, where a door stood open.  
“And this is your room,” said Tony.  
Roman stepped in and his mouth fell open. The bedroom was a fairly good size, but Tony knew that to Roman, it must feel palacial. There was a full-size bed and a dresser, and a desk against the wall. The large window looked out over the back of the house. Roman suddenly looked completely overwhelmed and didn’t seem to know what to say or do. Tony set his bags down on the bed and patted his shoulder softly.  
“It’s okay, bud,” he said to the boy. “We know it’s a lot. Would you like some time alone for a second? The house and everything else will still be here later.”  
Roman swallowed and nodded his head slowly.  
“Okay. That’s okay. Lu, let’s go start dinner, huh?”  
She nodded.  
“You’ve had a long day, Roman. You check it out and relax a bit if you want. The bathroom is down the hall on your right. We’ll be in the kitchen if you need us.”  
Tony took Lily’s hand as they walked down the hall back towards the kitchen.  
“So...what do you think?” Lily asked when Roman was out of earshot.  
Tony considered her question.  
“He’s scared,” he replied and she nodded.  
“Well, we knew he would be,” she replied slowly. “I’m kind of encouraged though…”  
“Yeah, me too,” said Tony. “How are YOU doing?”  
“I’m good. I just keep having to remind myself not to pressure him, just because I really really want this to work out.”  
Tony reached over and squeezed her hand.  
“I know. I do too. But you’re right. If we push him…”  
“It’ll never work.” It never ceased to amaze Tony how uncanny Lily’s ability to finish his sentences had always been. He was still in love with her every bit as much as he had been when he met her over 15 years ago. In fact, even after 17 years, the sight of her still made his heart pound. And now that they’d met Roman...well, Tony knew better than to expect happily ever after this early in the game. But he also knew that in spite of the bitter taste their past experience left in their mouths, he and Lily were both rearranging their hearts, making room for Roman to stay.


	2. What IS This Place Anyway?

Roman laid down on the bed. Then he stood up. Then he laid down again. It was the most comfortable bed he’d ever been on. He felt tired, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. Not until he figured out these people and their game plan. What did they really want? Of course, the obvious answer was that they wanted HIM...but that should’ve been the obvious answer every single time. Yet here he was. He had long since lost track of how many families had kicked him out of their lives, and at this point it didn’t even matter anymore.  
He heard a soft, strange sound at his feet. It almost sounded like a cross between a gag and a scratching noise. A gray cat, one he hadn’t seen yet, was sitting beside him on the floor, just looking at him. It had yellow eyes. But the sound he’d heard sure hadn’t been a meow. Had it?  
Roman slowly patted the spot next to him on the bed, silently inviting the cat up with him. The cat regarded him solemnly for a few moments, then leaped up on the bed and curled up just out of Roman’s reach. When Roman scooted over, so did the cat.  
“I know,” Roman whispered. “Sometimes I don’t like to be touched either.  
The cat continued to stare at him. Roman laid down again. He closed his eyes, his thoughts drifting back to the talk he’d had with his previous set of foster parents two nights ago…  
“Roman...this isn’t really working, is it?” She wouldn’t look him in the eyes. He didn’t react; after all, this had been what he’d wanted right?  
“I mean…” He picked up where she left off. “You’re angry, you’re moody, you barely sleep, you fight at school...you clearly aren’t happy here. I don’t think we can give you what you need, Roman. There have got to be parents out there who can do better by you than we can. Right?”  
Roman had just nodded, not even trying to pretend he was surprised or that he really cared. They had been nice enough, but he’d been there over two months now and they didn’t love him. No one ever did. He’d seen to that…  
“So...so Cassie will pick you up from school on Thursday, and she’ll take you to your new foster family,” she had finished. Roman hadn’t ask what would happen if there WAS no foster family; he didn’t need to. That would mean a group home. He didn’t care about that, either. Sometimes those were better; no one even pretended to fuss over you there, and sometimes, the honesty was just better…  
He started when he heard a tap at the door, and his eyes flew open. It was Lily.  
“Dinner’s ready, Roman,” she said. She started to turn when her eyes caught the cat on Roman’s bed, who hadn’t moved. “Ahh...I see you met Froggy. I’m kind of surprised.”  
She came into Roman’s room then, and he’d been about to question the cat’s name (Froggy?) when he heard the kind of mechanical sound from earlier and realized that it had, indeed, come from the cat, who had stood up at the sight of Lily and arched its back up in a stretch. The cat then brushed itself against Roman’s leg before jumping off the bed.  
“Froggy? Because of the noise it makes?” Roman didn’t like asking questions, but he was genuinely curious.  
Lily grinned, then her gaze turned serious.  
“Yeah. See, Froggy was horribly mistreated by people. She was abused and then they tried to cut her vocal cords to prevent her from squealing when they hurt her. Her meow sounds like she has a frog in her throat, so that’s how she got her name---Froggy. That’s also why I’m surprised she came out already. She doesn’t trust most humans. It’s taken Tony and me years...usually she just hides when someone new is in the house. She must know you’re a friend. Come on.”  
“I’m not really hungry,” Roman began.  
“That’s okay, kiddo. You don’t have to eat. Tony and I just ask that you come to the table with us. We like to have dinner together. Sometimes our lives go in two different directions but when he’s not out of town, we always have dinner together.”  
Roman didn’t argue; seriously, what had gotten in to him? He doubted Lily would’ve forced the issue if he’d put up a fight; it was his first night after all. But for some reason, he just let it go and followed her to the kitchen. When he got there, he noticed with a pang the three places set at the table. And the food smelled...good. The truth was he was starving; he had barely eaten all day. Tony’s face lit up into a smile when he and Lily entered the room.  
“Hey Roman! Hope you like chicken,” he said.  
They all sat down. Roman fully expected not to be offered anything---he HAD just stated he wasn’t hungry, after all, and he was surprised when Lily put a small piece of chicken on his plate anyway.  
“Roman’s not feeling too hungry,” she told Tony. “But I’ve told him we’d like him to join us at the table anyway.” She turned her gaze to Roman.  
“Like I said, you don’t have to eat this. I know you’ve had a really long day and if you don’t feel like eating we totally understand. But it’s here just in case you want to try a little.”  
“Well...maybe…” Roman whispered. He picked up his knife and fork and cut off a tiny piece of chicken. It tasted amazing. He was so busy savoring it that he didn’t notice Lily and Tony exchange a knowing glance over his head. Once he started eating, he couldn’t stop. He froze when he realized he’d eaten the whole piece, he still felt hungry, and now he was going to have to ask them for more. But instead of making him, Tony just passed him a bowl of rice. Roman, grateful, scooped some onto his plate. Lily and Tony simply continued their conversation.  
“So Roman’s met Froggy,” Lily said, passing Roman a bowl of green beans.  
“Reallllllly,” Tony said slowly, letting out a low whistle and passing Roman the tray of chicken. “Froggy isn’t too in to people.”  
“She was hanging out on his bed with him when I went to get him,” Lily said, and then she smiled at Roman. Stupid, genuine smile.  
“Well, they say animals know who they can trust,” Tony answered.  
“That’s true.”  
They all ate in silence after that. Roman helped himself to a third piece of chicken. He didn’t even remember the last time his stomach had been full. No one said a word to him about it either; that was the thing. They could’ve commented. Roman knew that. But instead they simply let him eat. He sighed deeply, feeling relieved and suddenly a tiny bit more relaxed. The feeling washed over him again; the feeling that maybe, just maybe, this could work. Maybe. After all, if they could spend years gaining the trust of a cat...he shook his head. He would NEVER let himself trust them. Not ever. But if...if they didn’t make him miserable...then maybe he could stay. 

Lily knew that Roman was hungry, and she also knew that it would be awhile before he would be able to bring himself to ask for anything. That was okay. This wasn’t her first rodeo, after all; she doubted that Roman was aware, but he was far from their first foster child. So rather than bring attention to the fact that he had lied, she wordlessly kept passing him food, and he kept on eating.  
The rest of the evening passed quickly. Tony requested that Roman take his dishes to the sink. Roman hesitated, but complied, an excellent sign, Lily thought. They let the dogs out of their room and introduced each of them to Roman in turn. The pups leaped around him, offering wags and licks, and for the first time, they witnessed Roman softly laugh. It was dark by then, but they put him to bed with promises that the next day, they would go outside and show him the rest of the property.  
Lily and Tony dressed in their pajamas and crawled into bed.  
“I know he’s not asleep,” she murmured.  
“Probably not,” Tony yawned. “Are YOU going to sleep?”  
Lily smiled a little.  
“Probably not.”  
“We’ll go check on him in a little while. Give him a chance to settle though. I know he’s tired. And if he can’t sleep, as long as he’s not distressed---he’ll be okay. We’ll get there, Lu. You’re so great with him.”  
“So are you,” Lily replied. “I really feel like we did the right thing, baby. I feel like he belongs here.”  
“So do I,” Tony yawned again. “We’ll make it work. We just have to remember the rules. He’s going to do his best to get us to give up on him. I can’t wait to see his face the moment he realizes it ain’t gonna happen.”  
Lily laughed.  
“That boy,” she smiled fondly, thinking of the 9-year-old down the hall. “That sweet boy has NO IDEA who he’s dealing with.”

True to form, Lily tossed and turned long after she could hear Tony’s soft snores beside her. After awhile, she got up and crept silently down the hall. She peaked into Roman’s darkened room, noticing that Froggy had found her spot on his bed, and two of the four dogs were stretched out with him as well. Then she realized that Roman was trembling. Lily’s heart began to ache for him. Not sure if her presence would be welcome, she softly tapped on his door frame anyway.  
When Roman heard her knock, he jumped, then began shaking even harder. Lily slipped into his room, scooted Honey Badger over a little, and perched herself on the edge of his bed.  
“You okay?” She whispered. He wouldn’t look at her, just nodded his head softly.  
“Need anything?” Lily tried again, but Roman’s eyes remain downcast as he simply shook his head. Lily sighed. Talking wouldn’t do her any good; she knew they just weren’t there yet. So instead, she pulled the blankets up around Roman, tucking him in gently. Honey Badger crawled back up to reclaim her spot at Roman’s side and he reached his hand out from under the covers to stroke the dog’s back.  
“I’m sorry, kiddo. I know this sucks.” Roman still wouldn’t look at her, so she just patted his shoulder before standing.  
“You know where to find me if you need me. Try to get some rest,” she murmured.  
Lily turned and walked out of Roman’s room, but she didn’t go far. Instead of going back to bed, she leaned against the wall outside Roman’s door and slid down to the floor. He needed her. She knew that. He just wasn’t ready to accept her. She knew that too. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t stay nearby just in case. So there she sat. She heard the boy shift in bed. She heard a soft moan. And then she heard Roman begin to cry. Lily sighed. She longed to go into his room, to hold him, to talk to him, to try and force him to let her in---but she knew better. So instead, she stayed put outside his door. If anything went wrong, she would go to him but for now, she knew the best thing she could do was just respect Roman’s space and let him have some time alone to try and sort all of his feelings out.

Roman had no idea when he’d finally cried himself to sleep, but when he woke up, sunlight was streaming through the bedroom windows. The clock on the night table read 10:47. But...today was Friday. He was supposed to be in school...wasn’t he? He sat up slowly. Froggy was gone, and another cat---Dr. Who maybe?---was curled up by his pillow. The two dogs from last night were gone as well, but as he got to his feet, he realized that a third one, a scruffy black and gray thing, was laying in the doorway. Its tail began furiously wagging and it’s ears popped up the second it saw him moving. Roman liked animals; animals were a lot more trustworthy than people. Last night as he’d cried and cried, Honey Badger had nuzzled closer and closer to him until his arm had draped around her back and his tears had begun to fall on her fur. Then she licked his face. The other dog had cozied up to his back, and the cat had nuzzled his feet. The animals made him feel safe.  
He really had to pee, though, so he stopped to pet the scruffy dog, then rushed to the bathroom. Roman still didn’t understand what he was doing there, or why he had been allowed to sleep so late. And Lily and Tony both had jobs; surely they hadn’t just left Roman alone...had they? No, of course not; they’d get in big trouble for that. He knew it was stupid but he started to panic a little. He didn’t want them around, but he still didn’t want to be all alone in this big, strange house, even if it WAS full of dogs and cats. He stumbled down the hall and into the living room, where he heaved a huge sigh of relief. Lily was sitting on the couch.  
She was flanked by two dogs and a cat Roman was sure he hadn’t met yet was curled on her lap. He couldn’t help but stare at her. Yesterday, she’d looked so put together in heels, dress slacks, with her hair and makeup perfect. Today, though, she looked...well, kind of like a slob. She wore yoga pants and a faded Packers tshirt, her hair up in a sloppy bun. And she was wearing glasses, and she was tapping away on a laptop. The cat on her lap took one look at Roman and bailed. Without looking up, Lily addressed him.  
“Good morning, kiddo. Don’t mind Monkey. He’s skittish with new people, especially guys. He’ll come back once he realizes you aren’t so big and scary.” Lily patted the couch, offering Roman a spot to sit, but no way was he going to get that close to her. Instead he opted for the overstuffed chair to the right.  
“Where’s Honey Badger?” He asked.  
“Probably outside. She likes to stalk birds in the morning. Though it’s kind of approaching lunch time now.” Lily glanced up from the computer and smiled at Roman, before turning back to what she’d been doing.  
Roman had to admit that Lily’s smile was no less genuine this morning than it had been the previous day. She looked tired, but she obviously hadn’t tired of him yet. Another cat, the first one he’d met, Fats Domino, waddled over and jumped up into the chair with a thud. Lily looked up again.  
“We gotta get you on some low-calorie kibble or something, Fats, ‘fore you start breaking the furniture.”  
Roman petted the cat and leaned back in the chair. The silence between them was thick but not necessarily uncomfortable. He just didn’t know what he was supposed to say, or if Lily even expected him to say anything. He did have a question though.  
“Why didn’t I have to go to school today?” That got Lily’s attention. She closed the laptop and looked up at him.  
“We’ve talked to your new principal, and your new fourth grade teacher, and we all agreed that you didn’t have to start right away. Tony and I think it’s pretty important that you have some time to adjust to home first before we throw you into something else that’s new.”  
“Don’t you have to work?” Roman asked.  
“The beautiful thing about my job,” Lily began, “is that most of the time, orthopedic operations aren’t emergencies. So I’m taking a few days off. Tony had to go in today, but he’ll be home tonight and he’ll be here this weekend. As for school, we’ll go in sometime next week and check it out together and show you around, and meet your teacher. But missing a few days won’t hurt you.” She smiled at Roman again. “Anything special you’d like to do today?”  
Roman just shrugged. He couldn’t believe this whole thing. They weren’t making him go straight to school? And then after having him play hookie, here she was asking him what he’d like to do instead. What kind of a mother behaved this way?  
“Well, we need to get groceries for sure, so we can make dinner tonight, plus I wasn’t sure what kind of stuff you like to have around for snacks. Then I figured if we were going to Target anyway, maybe we could see about getting you some new clothes.”  
Roman immediately felt defensive.  
“Why? What’s wrong with my clothes?”  
Lily looked amused.  
“Absolutely nothing, kiddo, but you’re talking to a girl who absolutely despises doing laundry, and there are three people living in this house. It takes awhile to make full loads and you don’t want to run out of stuff before I get around to washing it. Tony figured that out early on. Used to drive him crazy, but eventually he learned it was easier to just buy extra underwear. I can cook a fair game, Roman, but other than that I’m just not a very domestic person. Never have been. You hungry?”  
Roman considered denying it, but after last night he knew she wouldn’t believe him anyway, so instead he just nodded. A moment later he was glad he had, when his stomach let out a massive rumble.  
“Well, go get dressed then,” Lily said. “We can go meet Tony for lunch before we shop.”  
Roman got up and walked back to his room, the black and gray scruffy dog at his heels.  
“What IS your name?” He muttered. There were so many of them and his brain was on overload, so much information getting jumbled together. The dog hopped up on the bed and attempted to lick his face. So he took hold of her collar gently and found her ID tag. Stella. That was right. The grey scruffy one with the black ears was Stella. Honey Badger was black with brown markings and pointy ears. The other one who slept with him last night, Gator, was brown, black, and white. And the fourth one, Wyatt Earp, was white with black spots. It wasn’t lost on Roman that none of the dogs were purebred, and he appreciated that.  
Once dressed, Roman met Lily (who’d put on some jeans and brushed her hair) in the kitchen. They went out to the garage together. The black Escalade they’d ridden home in yesterday was gone, but Lily motioned towards the passenger side of a silver Highlander and Roman climbed into the back of it. He looked out the window to the right and noticed that the three-car garage also housed a huge blue pickup truck.  
“Why do you need three cars?”  
“Well, he’s got one and I’ve got one for everyday use. The pickup is mainly for hauling horses. And dogs. And for reference, Roman, when it’s just me and you, I don’t mind if you ride shotgun.” Lily smiled that smile at him again.  
Neither of them really spoke as they rode into town. Roman stared out the window at the city before him. He let his mind wander, not really thinking about anything in particular, but he jumped back to attention when he felt the Highlander stop.  
In front of the Hard Rock Cafe.  
What?  
Not used to this at all, he just sat in the car, until Lily came around to his side and opened his door.  
“Roman? Are you okay? Do you not like it here? We can go somewhere else for lunch, kiddo, you just have to tell me---”  
Roman managed to shake his head.  
“No, I’ve just...never been here before,” he whispered. A familiar look dawned on Lily’s face.  
“Oh, Roman. I’m sorry. I should’ve asked. Not used to eating out huh?”  
He shook his head again. He wasn’t used to it. Not at all. Most of his foster families had never bothered to take him anywhere, especially not the Hard Rock Cafe at lunch time. Lily leaned over until she was at his eye level.  
“Hey. Look at me, please.” Her voice was soft, not menacing or angry at all. Roman lifted his eyes to stare into hers, trying to hide the uncertainty he knew was written all over his face.  
“We can eat someplace else. It’s okay. It’s your call, kiddo.”  
Roman just unbuckled his seatbelt.  
“No, it’s okay. This is fine.”  
“Okay, then. Let’s go. Tony’s waiting.”

Tony was sitting at a table nursing an iced tea, but he jumped to his feet and grinned when he saw his wife and foster son approaching.  
“Hey there,” he kissed Lily deeply before turning to Roman. “Hey there, buddy. Doing okay today?”  
Lily smiled at him. Roman looked nervous and lost. Tony looked at Lily questioningly.  
“This is Roman’s first time to eat here,” Lily supplied and it dawned on Tony that the kid probably wasn’t used to this kind of thing at all. Indeed, he looked as though he had absolutely no idea what he was supposed to do. Tony began to wonder if he’d ever been to a restaurant that didn’t have a drive thru.  
“Well, here, have a seat,” Tony indicated to a chair, and Roman sank down into it. “I already ordered an appetizer. Hope you like nachos, Roman.”  
Lily and Roman looked at menus.  
“What would you like to drink?” Lily showed him the selections, and Roman settled on Pepsi. The nachos arrived, and Tony stared over them at the two people sitting across from him. Lily was gently showing Roman how to read the menu. Tony couldn’t help but notice that while Roman was clearly still quite guarded, he also seemed a bit more comfortable than he had the day before. He settled on a bacon cheeseburger with fries. Lily ordered sushi, and Tony opted for a steak. He grinned as he watched Roman dig into the nachos. It was satisfying to see that the kid had an appetite.  
“We’re going shopping after lunch,” Lily said to Tony. “Need anything?”  
“We’re about out of dish soap. And uh, get Roman some extra clothes.” Tony replied. Lily laughed.  
“Yeah, yeah, I’ve already told him about our deep-rooted laundry aversion,” she continued to giggle. “Anything else?”  
“Can’t think of anything. What’s for dinner?” Tony asked, before stuffing a chip into his mouth.  
“Good question. Any thoughts, Roman?”  
It killed Tony how Roman looked surprised any time one of them asked him a question, as if he honestly couldn’t believe they really cared about his opinion.  
“Well...not hamburgers…” he whispered slowly. That was the other thing. They were gonna HAVE to teach this kid to speak in a voice louder than a whisper. It was endearing though. Tony glanced over at Lily.  
“Okay, so no burgers. Guess we can also rule out steak and fish. And we just had chicken last night. What’s that leave?”  
“Hmm...oh, I know! How do you feel about breakfast foods, Roman? We could make waffles, bacon, and omelets. Breakfast for dinner.”  
“Sounds great to me,” Tony said as their lunch arrived. Roman simply nodded. They ate their meal in companionable silence. Tony noticed Roman practically inhaled his food, after eating half a plate of nachos. Then he began eyeballing Lily’s sushi. He knew this child hadn’t been fed properly. He was far from malnourished or anything like that, but he was still too skinny for his long frame. Tony was hoping that tomorrow Roman would feel up to spending some time outdoors with him. He wanted to take him to explore the property, and he wanted to see if Roman liked to play ball. He noticed Lily offer Roman a piece of sushi, and he took it gratefully and closed his eyes as he savored it.  
“What time do you have to be back?” Lily asked him. He glanced at his phone.  
“Oh...20 minutes or so,” he replied. Roman looked up at him.  
“Where do YOU work?” He asked.  
“Well...I work for the FBI…” Tony began slowly, not sure how Roman would take that information. His eyes grew wide.  
“So you like...shoot people and stuff?”  
“No...well. Yes, I HAVE had to shoot people before.” Tony looked into Roman’s eyes. “It’s not something I’m proud of and it’s not something I would ever choose to do again, but it’s something that every once in awhile has to happen for the safety of a lot of other people. These days I mainly consult though. I do still go a lot of places but not nearly as often as I used to. And I’ve been offered jobs teaching at Quantico more than once but I can’t bear to make Lily leave Houston. It was bad enough asking her to leave San Antonio.”  
“San Antonio?”  
“That’s where I’m from,” Lily explained. “It’s where I grew up and where most of my family is.”  
“Oh. So...are there guns in the house?” Roman wanted to know.  
“Yes. Does that bother you?”  
“No, I just...I’ve never...really seen one,” he whispered.  
Tony grinned.  
“You’re gonna be exposed to all kinds of new things here, buddy. And when you turn 10 I’m going to teach you how to shoot, because if you’re going to live in a house with guns, it’s important that you learn how to treat them and use them with proper respect. Too many people don’t teach that stuff to their kids and that’s how accidents happen...anyway. I’d better head back. But you two have a good rest of the day. I’ll be home in time for dinner...er, breakfast.”


	3. You Have to Try

And so it went. Each day, Roman found himself growing slightly more comfortable with his new surroundings. Each night, sleep came to him just a little bit easier. There was always at least one animal in his bed, usually three or four. There was always something to do. The property the Girardi’s lived on was enormous. It spanned 50 acres, most of which was simply groves and trees with trails, perfect for a young boy to explore. There was a pond (more like a lake) that backed up to the property. Roman knew he was not to go in to the water alone, but there was no rule about walking along the edge and looking out into it (Honey Badger almost always by his side). After they’d gone shopping at Target on that first day, Lily had taken him to a used book store and bought him every title he’d expressed an interest in. Tony had taught him how to work the Blu Ray player and the AppleTV. Every night when Tony came home, he and Roman would galavant outdoors for as long as they could before being called to dinner. He’d even made friends with the horses, after that first night when he’d gotten closer than he wanted to and stumbled back in fright when one of the massive beasts had leaned over him and snorted into his chest. If Tony hadn’t been standing directly behind him, he would’ve fallen down for sure. At first he was annoyed by Lily’s gentle chuckles. Then she showed him how to hold his hand flat, palm up, with a carrot or an apple or a lump of sugar on it, and the horse gently lipped it right up. It hadn’t hurt at all. Roman had never ever been that close to a real horse before, but Lily had promised that once he got used to them, she would teach him how to ride.  
That was another thing. Everything was always about letting him adjust. Neither of them ever pressured him into anything he wasn’t ready for. It wasn’t that they didn’t have expectations of him, not at all. He was expected to clear his plate from the table after each meal, to put his clothes in the hamper in his closet, and keep up after himself. The Girardi’s seemed to be relinquishing responsibility to him slowly, though. And it was never ever “just go do it.” It was always, “hey, Roman, will you help me with…” and then the next night, “we need to do this. Remember how?” Until before long he was doing things like feeding the dogs and helping set the table before anyone even asked. It was a strange feeling. There was no pressure, none at all, and yet he had no desire to disobey or stop pitching in. It just seemed...natural.  
And the Girardi’s themselves were just...cool. In the days since he had come home with them, they hadn’t lost their genuine quality. In fact, it was just the opposite. Lily and Tony seemed to look at him with more fondness than ever, and while he still swore he was never going to trust them, they were tolerable. They were even fun. They danced with each other in the kitchen while cooking, ridiculous dancing, not the slow kind that married couples were supposed to do. They kissed right in front of him. They let him try things that no adult had ever let him try (over the first weekend Tony had taught him how to drive a golf cart, assuring Roman that it really wasn’t that different from driving a car). He knew that Lily wanted to hug him and kiss on him, but she held off on lavishing him with affection. She seemed to know that he wasn’t ready for that just yet. However, she read to him, and sometimes she asked him to read to her. They spent their days together, sometimes just talking, sometimes just sitting quietly. Twice more, they met Tony for lunch. Roman loved it, but he wasn’t going to admit it to them. Not yet.  
Everything was going really well. Roman had never expected that but it was. So on the sixth day, when he’d woken up with a headache already, then Lily informed him that he needed to get dressed because they were going to visit his new school, he himself was surprised at his own reaction.  
Anger. Fear. Surging up through his belly and threatening to explode. He managed to just put his mask back on, the one that clearly said, “don’t mess with me.” But Lily, no longer accustomed to seeing him that way, had sat down on his bed and tried to talk to him about it. And Roman felt the wall starting to rebuild. He hated himself for it. He tried, he really tried, but the truth was, he was terrified. Of school, of new people who might judge him and taunt him and maybe even hurt him, of being away from Lily, who had managed to protect him so far but even she could only do so much when she was nowhere nearby.  
Roman knew the best thing to do was just tell her how he felt. Suddenly, though, words choked him. So instead he did the only other thing he knew to do. He lashed out.  
“I don’t want to.”  
“It’s not a choice, kiddo.”  
Roman’s head was pounding. He knew he needed to just talk to her. He knew that. But…  
“No. I don’t want to go. And...and you can’t make me.” There was silence after that. Lily’s blue eyes flashed, and Roman was sure she was going to finally do..something. Yell at him, discipline him, anything that he had grown used to in his short 9 years. He wasn’t prepared for her to quietly sit beside him on his bed. He wasn’t prepared for the sadness in her voice. He wanted her to get angry, because he was angry, and if he had to feel angry then so did she. He got no such thing. Her voice was simply soft.  
“Look at me, Roman. Please.”  
He did, because even though he was mad, furious even, she still held that spell over him. He felt stupid tears sting his stupid eyes.  
“I know. I know.” He sensed Lily was fighting not to pull him into her arms. “I know you’re scared, kiddo. I know.” They continued to stare at each other. He wanted to tell her he wasn’t afraid, but she would know he was lying; she always seemed to.  
“I know it’s not easy to trust me, Roman. I know, and I understand. But I need you to try. I need you to try to do that harder than you’ve ever tried to do anything before. Because I wouldn’t send you if I did not know you were ready. It’s scary. It is. But you can do this, Roman. I believe that. I believe in you. You have to try and trust me. I know it’s hard, kiddo. I’m on your side. But you have to try.”  
He would not cry. He would NOT. He would ignore the throbbing in his head and the tears in his eyes. Roman didn’t say another word to Lily. He just stood up, brushed past her, grabbed some clothes from his closet, and headed to the bathroom.  
Trust her. Trust HER. It’d been so long...so long since he had trusted anyone. He wanted to. He honestly wanted to. He just didn’t know...he didn’t know if he even remembered how.

Lily took a deep breath. She absolutely despised herself for putting this child she already loved through this, but he had to go to school eventually. She knew it would be hard. She knew he was scared, and she knew she had to respect that. It would have been easy to snap back at Roman but she wouldn’t; instead she tried to put herself in his place. And when the boy finally joined her in the kitchen, she simply smiled at him.  
Neither of them spoke on the way. Roman’s new school was about a 30 minute drive from their house. Sure, there were schools that were closer, but Creek Ridge Academy was the school that Lily and Tony always chose for their fosters. It was private and small. The class size never exceeded 15 students. This was appealing for a number of reasons, most notably that the teachers were able to spend plenty of time working with the children in small groups, something that they knew Roman would thrive on. Although there was a dress code, students weren’t expected to wear uniforms. And the school integrated plenty of art and music into the curriculum, something that one might not expect to be important to a doctor and an FBI agent, but something that Lily and Tony both found extremely appealing.  
Lily knew that Roman would love it if he’d just give it half a chance. Once he saw it and tried it and learned more about it, he’d adjust. She and Tony were actually pleasantly surprised at how quickly Roman seemed to be adjusting to home life. It was going to suck being away from him when she had to go back to work, but he would be fine. And she and Tony were going to be there for him until he was.  
Still, his apprehension was bothering her. Had something happened to him at a previous school, or was this all part of his trust problem?  
She parked the Highlander in the parking lot and looked over at Roman. He was looking out the window, taking in the building.  
“A private school? Why do I have to go to a private school?” Lily calmly explained her and Tony’s rationale.  
“But doesn’t this cost money?”  
“Well, sure. But your education is very important, Roman, and we know you’ll get a good one here.”  
“Wasn’t I before?”  
“Kiddo, do me favor, okay?” Lily was trying hard not to be impatient with Roman. “I want you not to worry about that. It’s our job to worry about how much things cost. It’s your job to just have fun being a kid. When you’re a grown up and you have a kid to make decisions for, if you don’t want to send them to private school, that’s up to you. For now, this is where you’re going. And everything is going to be okay. It’s going to be great. Come on. Let’s just get out and look around.”  
Roman sighed.  
“Okay. Fine.”  
They walked side by side to the door of the building. Lily steered Roman to a counter in the office, where they were greeted by a secretary. Lily grinned at her.  
“Hey, there, Katie.”  
“Dr. G! My goodness, it’s so good to see you again; it’s been awhile. Is this Roman?”  
Lily nodded.  
“Yup. This is Roman. Roman Reigns.” She patted his shoulder. “I think Mrs. Cruz is expecting us.”  
“She sure is. My name is Miss Katie, Roman. I’m one of the secretaries. This is Miss Cindy,” Katie indicated to the woman sitting at a desk behind the counter, who smiled warmly at them. “I’m going to let Mrs. Cruz know you’ve arrived. Roman, we’re so glad you’re here. Welcome!”  
Lily began to lead Roman to the chairs at the side so they could wait for Mrs. Cruz, but within 30 seconds, a door at the end of the office opened and a short woman with a huge smile came bursting out of it.  
“Lily! I thought I heard you!”  
“Hello, Jennifer,” Lily grinned. “How’ve you been?”  
“Good, good, but man, have we missed you. This must be Roman. My goodness, he’s taller than I am!” Beside her, Lily could feel Roman’s shoulders relax just a tiny bit.  
“Yes ma’am. This is Roman. Roman, this is Mrs. Cruz. She’s the principal at Creek Ridge.”  
“Hello,” Roman whispered.  
Mrs. Cruz took his hand and shook it.  
“Hello there. I’m glad to meet you. The second Lily called me, I was so excited. I’m so happy you’re here. Welcome to Creek Ridge Academy, home of the Creek Ridge Colts. This is the elementary building, of course. There’s a middle school and a high school down the street. Not that you’ll be needing those just yet. Come in, come in.”  
Mrs. Cruz ushered Lily and Roman into her office, where they all sat down. Lily could see Roman’s eyes widen as he looked around. 

Her office was massive. Roman looked at Lily quickly before looking around again. Mrs. Cruz had a big desk and several chairs, plus a decent sized table with more chairs, plus a stuffed La-Z-Boy looking thing in a corner. Her shelves were full of books. Not just books about principal type stuff, either, but kid books. There was a giant fish tank set up in the corner near the window, and dozens of fish happily swam around. Roman swallowed. He had a million questions---but he stayed silent.  
Roman just waited while Lily signed paperwork. Mrs. Cruz seemed okay, but he was not about to just roll over either. He felt his headache coming back.  
They took him on a tour of the building, and as much as Roman hated to admit it, it just kept getting better and better. The gym was state of the art, the music room was incredible. There were science labs and a grand cafeteria, which, according to Mrs. Cruz, served food that was even edible. Mrs. Cruz herself was hilarious, keeping Lily in stitches and making Roman have to fight really hard not to smile. Until they turned down a hall that had “Fourth Grade” painted on a wall over a corridor.  
Mrs. Cruz knocked on the second door on the left, then opened the door.  
“Mrs. Vaverka?”  
Roman froze as they stepped into the classroom.  
“Mrs. Vaverka, this is Roman. He’s going to be joining your class on Monday.”  
Everyone in the room looked at him. He busied himself looking around. It was a large classroom, especially since Roman counted just nine students. This classroom was unlike anything he’d ever seen before. The teacher clearly loved science. There were posters and diagrams covering the walls. Four bookshelves housed literally hundreds of books. He counted no less than 8 terrariums and small cages, though he couldn’t easily see what lived inside them. This meant animals. There were animals. In his classroom. At school. This could work.  
The rest of the tour was a blur. After Mrs. Vaverka greeted him and briefly introduced him to each member of the class, Mrs. Cruz whisked him and Lily through the rest of the school. They ended up back in the office. Before long, he and Lily were back outside heading to the Highlander. The sky was dark and it matched Roman’s mood. It began to rain almost as soon as they got into the car.  
“So what’d you think?”  
Roman shrugged. He’d thought it was the most amazing school he’d ever seen, but he sure wasn’t about to tell Lily this.  
“It’s going to be okay, Roman. I think once you get into it and start making friends, you’re really going to like it here. Want some lunch?”  
Roman shook his head. This time he was legit not hungry. His head was spinning. He just wanted to go lie down. Lily sighed.  
“Okay. Let’s go home.”  
Once home, Roman went immediately to his room and laid down on his bed. Lily let him be. He was soon joined by Stella and Honey Badger. He was so tired, and his head still hurt. He considered asking Lily for some Tylenol or something but he was mad at her. So what if the school had been incredible? She was still making him go, and he was mad at her anyway.  
He fell asleep, and when he woke up, not only did his head hurt but the rest of his body was sore as well. Roman couldn’t figure out why he felt like this; maybe he and Tony had overdone it when they’d played football the night before. He could hear the sound of distant thunder. It must still be raining; that explained why his room was so dark. He got up and stretched and went to the bathroom, and then went out to the kitchen. Tony was home. He could hear him talking to Lily in the kitchen.  
“...just seems really nervous about it. He hasn’t eaten all day.” Lily was apparently filling Tony in on the school visit.  
“As in, hasn’t eaten much?” Tony asked Lily. Roman could hear them chopping vegetables. They were side by side, but their backs were to him, and they had no idea he was watching.  
“No, as in hasn’t eaten at all. He skipped breakfast, he said he didn’t want lunch, and he’s been asleep in his room since we got home. Five hours ago.” Lily turned slightly. Roman could see her dump tomatoes into a huge salad bowl. The thought of food made his stomach churn.  
“Really sleeping or pretend sleeping?” Roman could feel himself growing angry. Who were they to talk about him behind his back like this?  
“Tony. Please. I’ve been watching him since he got here; you don’t think by now I know when he’s just pretending to---” At that point Roman coughed and they both whirled around.  
“Hey, buddy!” Tony exclaimed. He looked happy to see Roman, and he didn’t look the slightest bit guilty, which only served to make Roman angrier. “Looks like we won’t be hanging out outdoors tonight, huh?”  
“Why were you talking about me?” Roman couldn’t hold back. He knew his voice sounded angry and rude, and he wasn’t even really that upset that they’d been discussing him, but something inside him just couldn’t stop.  
“What?” Lily’s eyes were soft and she approached Roman slowly, as though he were a cornered animal that might bite her.  
“You’ve been talking about me behind my back and I want to know why!” Roman practically shouted.  
“Whoa.” Lily’s voice was serious now, though she still didn’t look even a tiny bit angry. “Listen. You’re allowed to be upset with us, Roman, but please don’t talk to us that way.”  
Tony’s eyes had clouded slightly, but he too looked more concerned than mad.  
“We just want to help you, bud. Why don’t we go sit down in the living room and talk---”  
“NO!” Roman exploded. “I don’t want to talk to you!”  
There was an odd calm to Tony’s voice.  
“Roman.” He paused. “Lily’s right. It’s okay that you’re angry. We all get angry sometimes. We expect you to control your actions though---”  
“I AM IN COMPLETE CONTROL!” Roman shrieked. He was furious now, the anger in his heart and the pounding in his head combining to make him see red behind his eyes. “YOU don’t need to worry about me. I can take care of myself! I’ve been doing it for a long time. I don’t need YOU. Just quit pretending you care about me and LEAVE ME ALONE!”  
Lily looked like he’d just slapped her and his heart jumped. He’d done that; he’d made her look like that. She hadn’t been anything but kind to him and here he was screaming at her, but once he’d started all the anger kept pouring out of him. They were just suckering him. They had to be.  
“Roman, listen. Please look at me.” He couldn’t meet her eyes this time. “If you don’t want to talk that’s fine. But screaming at us isn’t okay. You’re welcome to go hang out in your bedroom for a bit if you’d like to be alone…” That look was back. The one that told Roman that what Lily really wanted was to hug him tight and let him hurt. He half wished she would, because right then what he wanted more than anything was to lay his head down and close his eyes. Instead, he kept on screaming.  
“No. You can’t make me. Know why? Because you’re not really my parents! You’re just two people pretending they want me around. I know you don’t because no one does. No one ever has and no one IS EVER GOING TO. And I’m NOT staying here!” With that, Roman bolted past Tony and took off out the back door, Honey Badger hot on his heels.


	4. Mama

He heard them calling for him but he didn’t turn back. He just ran into the woods, off the path, and through the trees. He had no idea where he was going or what he was going to do when he got there. And for all of the self loathing he did, he had never hated himself more than he hated himself right then. He’d been stupid. He’d been awful. If Lily and Tony had wanted him before, they weren’t going to want him anymore.

Roman ran until he couldn’t breathe. His entire body was screaming, and his throat felt like it was on fire from all the yelling. He leaned against a tree and looked down at Honey Badger. She was every bit as cold and soaked as he was, and that made him feel worse. Now he’d dragged her into his mess. 

“Honey, go home!” He snapped at her. She just looked at him and cocked her head.

“I mean it! Go home, Honey Badger!” The dog still didn’t move. It occurred to Roman that maybe in their haste to leave, Honey Badger had lost track of where home was too. He had no idea where they were. Man, he’d really done it this time. He was freezing. He could feel himself begin to shake. Maybe he would die out here alone. He deserved that after the way he’d acted. Was it any wonder nobody loved him after he behaved this way? He wouldn’t blame the Girardi’s if they never wanted to see him again. 

Roman sighed and sank down to the ground, trying to find a spot where the tree’s branches might shield him from the rain just a little. Honey Badger crawled over his lap and rested her head on his shoulder. He was tired. So tired. And so cold. His teeth chattered. Honey Badger licked his face. Roman’s throat was screaming now, the pounding in his head reaching a fever pitch, and his entire body just hurt. He stopped trying to hold his tears in. He cried until even that hurt too much, and then he leaned against Honey and closed his eyes. He’d try to sleep. The dog’s warmth was slightly comforting, even if she WAS soaking wet. He’d try to sleep, and then once the rain stopped, he’d try to find his way back to one of the trails. Even if the Girardi’s didn’t want him anymore, surely if he could at least make it back to the house, they’d find him someplace else to go. Maybe even let him sleep there tonight and get warm. He tightened his arms around Honey Badger and drifted off to sleep.

“Oh, buddy,” Roman heard Tony’s voice but it sounded far away. He felt himself floating, as strong arms lifted him off the ground. He let out a whimper, but couldn’t make himself speak. What was happening?

The rain stopped suddenly. No, that wasn’t right; he could still hear it but it was no longer hitting his face. He could feel something covering him up, shielding him. 

“Just hang on, buddy. I’m here, Roman. I’ve got you,” Tony’s voice again, calm and soft but not any closer. 

It was bumpy. Roman had no idea what was happening but they were moving. Honey Badger remained nearby; he couldn’t see her anymore but he smelled her damp fur and felt her head on his shoulder. Was he laying down? 

“Lily! I’ve got him!” Tony’s voice was more urgent now, as he picked Roman up again and Roman felt himself get carried into the house. 

“Is he okay?” Lily’s voice, filled with worry. 

“I can’t tell. He was leaning against a tree. He doesn’t look like he’s been hurt but he hasn’t said a word.”

“Okay. Let’s get you out of those wet clothes, kiddo.”

Roman felt himself be laid on his bed, felt soft hands removing his wet clothes. He didn’t have the energy or interest to protest. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so awful in his life. He was dizzy. He could hear snippets of their conversation around him.

“...shaking so hard…”  
“...don’t like this at all…”  
“...burning up. Grab the thermometer…”  
“...oh, fuck, 105.6…”

That sounded bad. He knew it must’ve been when, a moment later, he felt himself lifted into Tony’s arms yet again as Lily’s soft hands wrapped a blanket around him. Something cold touched his forehead and he moaned; it felt good. 

Roman drifted in and out as Tony broke every traffic law out there to get him to the hospital. He was laying in Lily’s arms on the back seat of the Escalade as she murmured words meant to soothe into his ear.

It’s okay.  
I’m here, Roman.  
I know it hurts. I’ve got you.  
Don’t be afraid.  
I’ve got you.

He felt the car stop, felt Tony lift him out of Lily’s arms and run with him into the building. He felt himself be laid on a gurney and rolled. Then he heard the thing he desperately didn’t want to hear.

“You guys can wait right here.”

“No!” He heard Lily’s cry of distaste. “No, I’m staying with my son.”

Her...son? After all of that, she considered him her son? He didn’t want to be separated from them. He wanted them to hold his hand. He didn’t want to be alone with these strangers. He wanted...he felt a sob rise up into his throat. Roman wanted to beg them not to take him away. He tried and tried, and finally, he managed to get one long, wailed word out of his mouth:

“Maaaaammmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

\------------

When Lily heard Roman’s sob of Mama, something inside her snapped. That baby needed her and no way were they going to keep her away. 

“Foster child or not, right now I’m the only mother he has,” she said, pushing her way past a nurse. “And I’m a doctor besides. I’m not leaving him.” 

She picked up one of Roman’s hands and ran her fingers softly over his dark hair.

“It’s okay, baby. I’m here now. We’re going to figure this out and get you feeling better. Don’t be scared, Roman.”

Roman’s eyes were glassy now, an indication of the high fever that ravaged his small body. Lily could’ve just kicked herself. She’d had no idea he was sick. No wonder he’d acted out and slept all afternoon. She promised herself she would spoil the hell out of the kid if she could just take him home. She squeezed his hand when they started an IV, then squeezed again when he cried out as a needle pierced his skin to draw blood. She held his head as the doctors looked in his ears, nose and throat, and softly stroked his arm while they listened to his chest. His temperature had started to fall, which was good, and as it did he became more aware, but he hung onto Lily’s hand and stayed calm. 

They began to give him antibiotics and fluids through his IV, and he began to perk up almost immediately. Of course, that meant a little more energy, which meant trying to fight with the nurses; he didn’t understand what was happening. 

“Roman. You’re okay,” Lily softly stroked his jaw. “You’re at the hospital, kiddo. You’re sick. Let them work, kiddo. I’m right here.” She was relieved when she saw the recognition in his eyes. The nurses moved him to a quiet area while they waited for his test results, and he dozed off, but he didn’t let go of Lily’s hand. Soon Tony joined them. As Roman slept, they looked at one another.

“You okay?” Tony asked softly.

“Yeah. I’m okay. He scared the hell out of me…” Lily whispered.

“I know. Me too. But he already looks better, don’t you think?”

Lily gazed at Roman. He DID look better. His color had begun to return and the shivering had stopped. He seemed to actually be sleeping quite peacefully. Lily turned to Tony.

“You do realize that this means I can’t let him out of my sight until he’s better,” she said.

“I expect nothing less,” Tony replied. 

“He deserves nothing less,” Lily murmured.

Shortly after that, a nurse came in with a diagnosis: strep, bronchitis, double ear infection. Armed with a list of prescriptions that Roman would need, and because his temperature had dropped so nicely, Lily and Tony were allowed to take Roman home with strict instructions to get him lots of rest and plenty of fluids, and return immediately if his fever spiked like that again. Lily pulled the car around and Tony carried Roman to it and crawled into the back seat, holding the boy in his arms. Roman still slept. Lily stopped at an all-night Walgreens. 

As she waited for Roman’s prescriptions to be ready, Lily perused the aisles. What would a sick 9-year-old need? Lots of Gatorade. Lots of juice. Crackers, soup---no, not canned soup. She could make him homemade tomorrow. Popsicles. Lots and lots of Popsicles. Chapstick. Macaroni and cheese. Lily laughed at herself. She didn’t know if Roman even LIKED mac and cheese, and besides, it’s not like she’d never cared for a sick child before. Why did this seem so different?

Well, obviously, because he had called her Mama. He had needed her and called for her, and that was a great feeling. She wondered if he’d meant it, or if it had just been the fever talking but she decided she wasn’t going to worry about that for now. Roman was getting what he needed to feel better; that was what mattered. 

After Lily paid for everything she headed back out to the car to find that both of her boys were sound asleep in the backseat. She couldn’t help but smile. Tony cradled Roman in his arms; Roman’s cheek rested against Tony’s chest. Tony’s eyes opened when he heard the door open. 

“He okay?” Lily asked.

“Sleeping like a baby,” said Tony. “Whimpers a little here and there, but he’s okay.”

Lily nodded. When they arrived at the house, Tony carried Roman to help him use the bathroom and shower. Lily got out blankets and pillows and set up camp for them in the living room, knowing both she and Tony would be up the rest of the night to make sure Roman was okay. She got Roman’s medicines ready. Once he was in warm clean pajamas, Tony brought him to the living room and laid him on the couch. The boy immediately went back to sleep, but he was restless, calling out occasionally. Lily knelt beside him and rubbed soft circles on his back.

They tried to tuck a blanket around him, but it didn’t calm him. Lily reached out and felt his forehead; she could feel the fever coming back. They sat him up and made him drink some medicine, and then Tony reached out and took Lily’s hand.

“Go sit in the recliner; I know what he needs.”

Tony tenderly lifted Roman up off the sofa and laid him in Lily’s arms. Roman immediately curled up in a ball and nuzzled her neck in his sleep. Lily smiled. She tightened her arms around the child and held him close against her, brushing her fingers through his hair. Tony tucked a blanket around them. Roman’s entire body relaxed against her and he slept peacefully after that.

One or the other of them was never far from Roman while he recovered, and often, he spent his time snuggled between both of them on the couch. Lily called school and let them know that he’d been very sick so she was going to keep him home just a couple of extra days. Roman seemed to have given up on fighting them, instead allowing them to care for him how they saw fit. It was several nights before he even slept in his own bed again and when that happened, Lily laid with him for quite awhile after he’d dozed off.

By Monday, Roman’s throat felt considerably better, and he still occasionally ran a low fever, but he overall seemed stronger. Tony had decided it was okay to go to work, leaving the two of them alone. That suited them fine. All the time over the weekend spent holding and snuggling and talking and soothing had bonded them. And it was while Roman laid in Lily’s arms, only semi-awake, that he asked the question that had been burning a hole in him since the very first day.

“Why don’t you and Tony have any real children?” 

“Well, why WOULD we when we’re having so much fun with our fake one?” She grinned at him but he didn’t return her smile. 

“No, I’m serious,” Roman whispered. “Why? Why me instead?”

With a pang, Lily realized she was going to have to tell him. She hugged the child tight and braced herself.


	5. Enter Stage Left: Zulu?

Roman felt Lily’s arms tighten around him. He immediately regretted asking the question, but...he needed to know.

“Tony and I have been trying to conceive a biological child since before we were married,” she began. “We both come from large families, and we both have always wanted to be parents. But also, we always figured we’d adopt some day as well, because we both subscribe to the philosophy that everyone deserves a chance.

“Obviously I’ve never had a baby. We’ve had a few miscarriages but nothing took. And we still wanted to be parents. So we decided fostering was the best choice for us.”

Roman stayed silent. He sensed Lily’s pain. 

“We fostered a lot of kids, for a long time. Kids who’ve been through all different kinds of troubles. And we loved every one of them, still do, to be honest, and while they were here we loved them and cared for them and gave them the best life we could. And every time, eventually, they would get placed back with their parents. And we’d grieve for a little while, because that was hard, but with every one of them, we knew it was the right choice.”

Lily began absently rubbing her fingers up and down Roman’s spine.

“Then a couple of years ago, we were placed with a set of twins. Two little girls. Five years old. Natalie and Audrey. They’d both been molested by their mother’s boyfriend, and she’d known the whole time and done nothing. When they came to us they were terrified, withdrawn, and just miserable but in the year and a half that they lived with us, they grew so much, Roman. We worked HARD on creating a solid relationship with them, and then their mother’s rights were stripped. We decided we wanted to pursue adoption.

“The state tracked down their biological father and he agreed. So we did everything we needed to do, and signed the papers, and they were going to be ours forever and ever.”

Roman felt Lily choke back a sob, and his heart began to hurt. 

“It was gonna be so perfect. You know? But in Texas, the biological parents have 90 days after the signing of the papers to change their minds. And 88 days---88 FUCKING DAYS---after we adopted those girls, their father decided to parent.”

Lily was crying openly now. Roman hated himself for making her relive this hurt. And for trying so hard to make her and Tony not want him. God, what an idiot he’d been. They chose him. They wanted him. And he had been nothing but an ass. He allowed himself to tighten his arms around her.

“That was it for me for awhile, Ro,” Lily whispered softly. “I...I hurt. It hurt too much for a long time to even consider trying again. And then, just about a month ago, I went to Tony and told him I was sick of being sad. I told him it was a huge leap of faith, but I was ready to try again. He’d been ready for awhile, I think, but he knew I was still a mess inside so he waited for me. That’s part of what I love so much about him.  
“So...about two weeks ago now, our social worker and good friend Cassie called us. She said she had a new child that she was responsible for, and she really wanted us to meet him. She said he was frightened and angry, but that he was an awesome kid. So we went to meet him. And the second I laid eyes on you, Roman…” Lily tilted his face up so their eyes met.  
“The second I saw you, I knew. Because I saw in your eyes everything that I had been feeling in my heart. I needed you. I still have a lot of healing to do, kiddo, and I know you do too. But we can heal together.”

“What if my mother takes me back?” Roman whispered.

“Your mother...the way it works is, she hasn’t done anything horrible enough to you to warrant her forcibly losing her rights, but she’s messed up enough times that she won’t regain custody of you. All it means is that you’ll be required to go to visitation until you turn 14 and can decide for yourself if you want to continue. But she’s not getting you back in the sense that you’ll go live with her permanently again. Do you WANT her to get you back, kiddo?”

“No! No, you don’t...I love her. But she doesn’t love me. She never wanted me. My whole life she’s told me I was a mistake. Sometimes she even said she should’ve killed me before I was born. She hates me. I love her so much but she hates me…” Roman could feel tears well in his eyes. Then Lily said the last thing he expected.

“It’s okay to love her, Roman. And it’s okay to be furious. Sometimes, the wrong people get the right things. I used to get so very angry that so many people who had no business having babies got to have the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world. But you know what? I think that was just the way it was meant to be. Maybe I wasn’t meant to have a baby. I’ll never know. But something I DO know is that I was meant to have you.”

Roman buried his face into Lily for a minute. Then he asked the question that REALLY terrified him.

“Are you and Tony ever going to send me away?”

“Roman,” Lily said, and there was nothing but honesty in her eyes, “you will stay here with us for as long as you want to. It’s your choice, baby. It’s always going to be your choice. We were serious about that. Of course we pray you choose us, and eventually you’re going to have to let us know. But there’s nothing you could ever do that would make us not want you.”

“Do you...do you promise you’ll never hurt me?” Roman whispered, but once again, he was completely unprepared for her answer.

“No,” Lily said softly. “I can’t promise you that.”

“You...you can’t?” Roman was confused.

“No. I can’t. But I promise you that if I ever do hurt you, I’ll do what I need to do to fix it. I can promise you that I’ll take care of you and hold you tight and be there for you when you need me. I can promise that I am going to keep you safe, and I can promise that no matter what happens, I’m going to love you with everything I have. And I can promise you that I’m going to help you heal from all of this hurt. It won’t be easy. But the best things in life never are.”

Roman considered everything she had just said. And he realized something. He believed her. He truthfully, honestly, believed her. And suddenly, he knew there was no other place in the world for him than right here with these people. He slowly nodded his head.

“I’m willing to work for it, kiddo,” Lily murmured. “Are you?”

Roman looked her straight in the eyes.

“Yes,” he whispered. “I think I am.”

She held him tighter and stroked his hair for awhile. He nestled in her arms and closed his eyes. He could feel himself growing sleepy. But as he drifted off, he heard her say quietly,

“I love you, Roman.”

And Roman Reigns heard himself mumble as he fell asleep,

“Love you, too.”

__________________

Roman slipped comfortably into a routine with the Girardi’s. Once he started school, he discovered that he did indeed love it, and he was actually a pretty good student with the proper support. He and his parents developed a system with his teacher and principal. When he needed to escape for a few minutes, he was given a green folder and asked to take it to Mrs. Cruz. Once in her office, he would sit in the recliner and watch the fish in the tank until he felt secure enough to go back to class and continue. It was pretty easy though. Mrs. Vaverka was totally incredible. She did indeed love science and animals. Roman discovered he had quite an affinity for reading and math (he was pretty sure nothing could make him love history though). After school each day he took a bus to the nearby community center, where he did his homework and played basketball until either Lily or Tony got off work and came for him. He got suspended from school once for fighting about a month after he began, but it didn’t take long for Lily and Tony to understand the stress and pain that his supervised visitation with his mother caused him. They began scheduling those visits on Friday afternoons, so he’d have the weekend to work through his hurt, and it really seemed to help; plus they could be nearby to help him learn to channel his anger in a better way. One Saturday after she had failed to show up for him yet AGAIN, when he was angrily pounding into the dirt, helping Lily prepare her summer garden, he suddenly dropped to his knees, an anguished sob escaping. Tony was out of town, so Lily regarded him carefully as she sat beside him in the dirt and leaned against the house.

“Talk to me, Ro. Tell me what you’re feeling,” she had cajoled him gently.

“I HATE HER!” Roman had sobbed, pounding the dirt again. 

“I know.” Lily was slowly snaking her way closer to Roman. 

“I never did anything to her. I never did ANYTHING!” 

“I know, baby.”

“Why doesn’t she want me?” And Roman had crawled against Lily and wept. Lily simply wrapped her arms around him tightly and held him close, letting him have some time, before she started stroking his back.

“I don’t know, Roman. I really don’t. But I want you.”

“I’m never going to be yours. You know that right?” He had sniffled against her.

“Baby boy, you’ve been mine since the second I saw your face. Ever since that moment you’ve occupied a place in my heart that will never ever be filled by another soul.”

Roman never forgave his mother for the way she treated him, but the pain was somehow easier after that.

He played football. He and Tony went fishing when the weather was nice. They took him on vacations---real ones. For the first time in his life, he left Houston to visit the beach. He actually laughed at the rough tickle of sand between his toes. His new life was amazing, and he could hardly believe that he was there to live it. But he was thankful. 

He met Lily’s family in San Antonio, and then they took him to meet Tony’s in New York. Everything became familiar and welcoming and for the first time in Roman’s life, he felt whole. He felt happy.

The summer after his 12th birthday saw him spending his days not vacationing hanging out at the community center while his parents (yes, that’s what he’d begun to call them) worked. And it was at the community center one hot July day that he met the person who was going to change his life all over again. 

As Roman and his friends shot hoops, Roman noticed a boy standing alone on the sidelines watching the game wistfully. He stopped the game, asking his friends to hold up. 

“Hey. Wanna play?” The boy shook his head and backed away. 

He didn’t seem much younger than Roman, and he was only a little bit shorter, but he was skinny. Too skinny. He had wild honey blond hair, the same color as Lily’s, and blue eyes that held an all too familiar expression. Roman let him go, but he made up his mind right then that somehow, he was going to become this kid’s friend.

For the next three days, the kid showed up to watch the guys play ball, and for the next three days, he declined Roman’s invitation without saying a single word. It was the weekend after that. Roman stayed home, did his chores, did all his normal stuff, but he couldn’t get the blond kid off his mind.

On Monday, Roman noticed him before the game even began and this time he was determined to at least get his name.

“Hey,” he approached the boy, who regarded him cautiously. 

“Hey,” he replied. 

“So...my name’s Roman,” he offered.

“Oh.” The kid was kind of obnoxious, but Roman was undeterred.

“And you’re name is?” He pressed.

“Zulu, queen of the dwarf people,” he answered with a sneer. Roman raised an eyebrow. And he thought HE’D been difficult.

“Okay, Zulu,” Roman smirked. “Nice name, by the way. I’ve seen you watching us play ball. You should join.”

The kid was clearly on the verge of walking away so Roman quickly added,

“You know, unless you’re scared.”

The boy turned around, a gleam in his blue eyes.

“That a challenge?”

Roman shrugged.

“Only if you accept it.”

It didn’t take long once the kid got out on the court for Roman to realize that he was good. Really good. He was quick and crafty, and his 3-point shot was ridiculous. Roman was no slouch though, and the two ran circles around each other long after everyone else had given up and moved on to something else. In fact, they played until Lily showed up to get him. 

“If you have to leave now, I win,” the kid said. Roman shrugged.

“Fair enough. Rematch tomorrow?” He asked.

Zulu looked him square in the eyes. 

“Wouldn’t miss it,” he said evenly.

“So who was your friend Ro?” Lily asked him on the ride home. She kept wrinkling her nose, and Roman realized he couldn’t smell too pretty.

“Actually...he wouldn’t tell me his name,” Roman said slowly. “I mean, he said his name was Zulu but I have this feeling…”

“That he was lying,” Lily supplied and Roman nodded. 

“Well, yeah, because I don’t think anyone is really named Zulu, are they?” Roman asked.

“There can’t be many,” Lily responded.

That night “Zulu” was all Roman could think about.

The next day, he wasn’t there, or the next day, or the next. On Friday he showed up, but he was moving with a pronounced limp and was clearly in no condition to play. Roman had intended to offer to hang out with him somewhere else at the center, but the kid managed to avoid him yet again.


	6. Conflicted

By Monday Roman was fed up. There was something about this kid, something compelling, and not in a good way. Roman was more than a little concerned. But his new unnamed friend showed up that day, and though he didn’t have QUITE the same spring in his step, he was still a force to be reckoned with on the court. After they played til they could play no more, they both laid down head to head on benches in the locker room. It was then that the kid made a proclamation.

“My name’s really Dean.” 

“Yeah, you don’t look much like a Zulu,” Roman said with a grin, and Dean actually smiled. 

“Where’d you learn to play so good?” Dean asked him.

“Well, my dad---foster dad actually---we play a lot in the evenings. Like after school and stuff. And on weekends.”

“Foster parents huh?”

“Yeah. I’ve lived with them...I guess about two and a half years now? It sucked at first but now it’s all good.”

“Then I guess you’re lucky. But...what’s with your real parents?” Dean wanted to know.

“My dad bailed when I was little and my mom is...well, she’s pretty much useless. I’m supposed to see her once a month but she barely ever shows anymore. Lily and Tony are the only REAL parents I’ve ever had. They’re cool. You should come over sometime. We could shoot hoops and then go swimming.”

“We can do that here,” Dean reminded him.

“Well...true. But the pool at home is different. And we have a ton of pets.” Dean just laughed. 

About that time, Tony came into the locker room and signaled to Roman. That signal meant, “hurry up, I’m starving!” Roman turned to Dean, but Dean spoke before he could say anything.

“THAT’S your dad? He’s carrying a gun. Is he a cop?”

“FBI,” said Roman proudly. “Look, I gotta go, but tomorrow, I’m gonna wipe the court with you.” 

“Not on your best day,” Dean said, and both boys laughed again.

______________

 

The next day Dean wasn’t around. Nor was he there on Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. Roman began to worry again.

By the following Monday, Dean finally showed up but he was sullen and grumpy again. It made Roman wonder what went on when he wasn’t around that caused him to come back so...mean. But this time it was a little different.

“You ever wish you just weren’t here?” Dean asked Roman as they were laying on their benches in the locker room.

“Like...how do you mean?” Roman was confused.

“I mean just not here.” 

“As in dead? Or as in never existed in the first place?” Roman questioned. 

“Dude, does it matter?”

“Well, yeah, kinda.”

“Roman. Seriously. Do you ever stop thinking?” Roman grinned.

“I guess I don’t anymore. But there was a time when I’d wake up every morning and just wonder why I was still here.”

“That’s heavy,” Dean muttered.

“Well, you asked.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I did.” 

“How about you, Dean? Do you ever wish that you weren’t here?”

Dean thought for a moment. 

“Sometimes, everything is great. But sometimes I think...sometimes I really think that I just can’t take it anymore, Rome. Sometimes I really think that.”

A spark of concern shot through Roman.

“Can’t take what anymore? Dean, what do you mean? What’s going on?”

Dean was silent for a long time. Then he shook his head.

“Nothing. Just...it’s nothing. I’ll be fine. Look...I should go. Tomorrow?”

“Yeah...wait, no,” Roman remembered something. “My mom isn’t working tomorrow. She and I are driving out to the coast for the day...hey. You should come with us.”

Dean looked at him and just shook his head.

“I can’t,” he said softly.

“Why not? It’ll be fun; we can hang out at the beach and----”

“I said I can’t. I gotta go.” And without another word, Dean stood up and left the locker room.

______________

 

Lily could feel tension radiating off of Roman. He didn’t indicate it, but something was bothering him. Tony, who was out of the country, had noticed it too when he’d briefly spoken with Roman on the phone. Lily knew that her son would come to her if he needed help, and she knew he was on the verge when he came to her at nearly midnight and laid his head on her lap. She waited patiently, playing with his dark wavy hair. It was getting really long now; they’d never asked him to cut it, and he had never asked them to get it cut. It didn’t bother them anyway; Tony had long hair as long as Lily had known him. She liked it. So rather than try to convince Roman to cut his off, they opted to teach him how to take care of it instead.

“Mommy?” Lily raised an eyebrow. Roman only called her Mommy when he wanted something he knew he wasn’t likely to get.  
“Yes?”

“What do you do if...if you want to help someone, but you’re only guessing what you need to help them with and if you’re right it’s something really really bad but even if you’re right you can’t prove it anyway?” 

“Ro, I have no idea what you’re talking about…” Lily was trying to piece what he’d just said together. Roman took a breath and tried again.

“What if you think something bad is happening to someone you care about, and you think you know what it is, but you aren’t sure and they won’t tell you? What do you do?”

“I’d have to know more specifics about the situation, kiddo.” Lily turned Roman so that he could look up into his eyes. “Is there something you’d like to talk to me about, Roman?”

Roman looked up into Lily’s eyes, and Lily’s eyes probed his in return. There was no doubt about it; something was bugging him. He was way past lying to her anymore. She smiled down at him.

“Because if there is, you know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

Roman nodded slowly. Lily brushed his hair back from his forehead.

“I think someone is hurting my friend, Mom. I think someone is really hurting him badly.”

Lily softly stroked his cheek.

“Okay...why do you think that?”

“Well...because today he asked me if I ever wish I wasn’t here, and then he said he just can’t take it anymore sometimes…” Roman pulled her hand out of his hair so he could trace her fingers with his. 

“Did he say what ‘it’ is?”

“No,” Roman whispered.

“Okay. So what else makes you think something bad is happening?”

“Because...because there have been a few times when he’s been gone from the center for days at a time, and when he comes back he’s in pain. Like it’s hard for him to walk upright and stuff. And when he comes back after that, he’s not himself anymore for awhile.” 

“Have you ever seen any bruises or anything, Ro?” Lily questioned.

“No ma’am,” Roman whispered, dropping his gaze.

“And your friend won’t talk to you about it?”

“Not so far. Just really weird stuff, like what I already told you.”

Lily considered her son’s words. IF this friend was being abused, the gut feeling of a 12-year-old wasn’t going to get anyone very far if the friend wouldn’t tell anyone about it in detail. On the other hand...if the kid was in danger...Lily looked deep into Roman’s eyes again.

“I assume we’re talking about Dean?”

“Y...yes,” Roman whispered again. 

“You really care about him, huh?” 

“I just...he’s my friend, Mommy. I don’t want anyone to hurt him.” 

“Oh, kiddo. I know you don’t; of course you don’t. But maybe no one is, Ro. Maybe there’s a good explanation.”

Roman looked at her squarely.

“Can you think of one?”

Lily had to admit she couldn’t. But she couldn’t just go knocking people’s doors down either. 

“Ro, look,” she began but the boy interrupted.

“I don’t know, Mom. Can’t we just...like ask Dad to run a background check or something on his mother?” Lily chuckled.

“No, Smarty Pants. That’s a pretty sharp idea, but your dad can’t do that. I think...I think that for now, the best thing you can do is keep being a friend to Dean. Do you think he’s thinking about hurting himself?”

“No...not really. I don’t THINK so…” said Roman slowly.

“Then you be a good friend to him, baby, and keep talking to him. If he trusts you he’ll open up to you and the second he says a single thing that confirms your theory, you come tell me. Even if you have to call me at work, you let me or Daddy know. And maybe...when I pick you up on Wednesday, why don’t you introduce me to Dean? It can’t hurt for me to try to start building a relationship with him.”

“If anyone does hurt him, can he come live here?”

Lily stroked her son’s hair. His eyelids had grown heavy; she knew he was worn out. It had been a long day and they had to get up early to drive down to Corpus Christi for the day. 

“Ro, you know I can’t promise that. But here’s what I can promise. If we find out for certain that someone hurt Dean, I will do absolutely everything in my power to make sure that person is never allowed to go near him again. Everything will work out, baby. We’ll find way to help him.”

 

_______________

 

On Wednesday morning when his mother dropped Roman off at the community center, he was eager to go in and find Dean. He’d had fun with Lily the day before, sunbathing, playing in the Gulf, and eating plenty of fresh seafood, but he was ready to return and find his new friend. He wanted to make sure that Dean was okay. A quick sweep of the basketball court told him Dean wasn’t there. He didn’t seem to be in the art room, or the game room, or the pool, either. Panic swept through Roman; what if he was gone again? What if something had happened? He was just about to go to the office to see if any of the counselors had seen him when his eyes fell on him. He was huddled in a corner of the gym, up near the bleachers, practically out of sight. From where he was standing, Roman could tell his friend was trembling.

“Dean?” Roman approached him carefully, not entirely sure how he’d react. He had to hear him, but he didn’t show any sort of recognition at all. Roman knew not to touch him by the vibe he was giving off, so instead he just sat down across from his friend and waited. “I can’t go back there,” Dean finally spoke after at least 45 minutes of just sitting together quietly, and his voice was barely audible.

“What happened?” Roman whispered. 

“I just can’t. I can’t go back.” Dean’s voice was still deathly quiet but he didn’t elaborate.

“Dean...tell me why. You have to tell someone what happened. If it was something bad, they won’t make you go back. But if you don’t tell anyone how can they help?”

“No one can help,” a sob escaped Dean’s lips. “No one can help me, Rome. I’m stuck. I’m completely stuck. If I go home he’ll---but if I run away they’ll find me and send me back and then he’ll kill me.”

“No, Dean,” Roman desperately whispered. “No, we can help. I promise, someone can help. I could call my mom, or---”

“No. No, no, no, Roman, you can’t tell anyone. You can’t. That’ll just make everything worse, please…” Dean was beginning to panic. 

“Tell anyone what, Dean? I don’t even know what’s going on. What’s happening? You can talk to me. Just talk to me.”

“My mom...my mom’s new boyfriend…” Dean closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. 

“Is he hurting you?”

Dean laughed drily. 

“He hurts me all the time, Roman. He’s always hitting me or something. But then...my mother is an addict, right? And when she goes too long without a fix, it’s not pretty. So yesterday he told her he’d get her some stuff if...if she’d let him...use...me.”

Rage surged through Roman. Dean had been molested, maybe worse. All kinds of things began clicking into place in Roman’s mind. 

“I can’t get away. But I can’t go back.” Dean whispered softly. “I’m just stuck.”

“No. You’re not stuck. Dean, my parents will help you; you just have to tell my mom what’s happening and---”

“No, Rome,” Dean said, sadness in his voice. “There’s nothing she can do . There’s nothing anyone can do.”

“You can’t just keep going back, Dean,” Roman pleaded. “It won’t get better on its own. You have to be strong and take the first step.”

Dean snorted.

“Strong? You think I’m going through all this because I’m not STRONG?”

“No, dude, I didn’t mean---”

“Just leave me alone, Roman. I don’t want your help. I can manage on my own. I’ve been managing on my own my whole life anyway. Just go away.”

And with that, Dean got up and walked off.

Roman didn’t know what to do. If he told his parents, Dean would likely never speak to him again, and there were no guarantees that it would even make a difference. But if he DIDN’T tell them and something truly awful happened to Dean, then...then it might as well be like Roman killed Dean himself. He wouldn’t be able to live with that. He had to tell his parents.

 

______________

 

Tony landed in Houston around 1 pm and out of habit, immediately checked his phone. He had five missed calls---THAT was odd. Then he began to panic when he realized that every one of them was from the community center. Roman. Something must’ve happened to Roman, and Roman must have not been able to tell them that he wouldn’t be available. Tony glanced at the dashboard clock; 1:17. If he remembered correctly, Lily had three surgeries today so she’d be hard to catch, but the community center was less than 20 minutes from where he was right then, 10 if he flashed his credentials and ignored the speed limit. He didn’t think twice; he just drove.

He made it in record time, leaped out of the Escalade before it was completely in park, and flew into the building. As he thundered in the door, he happened to look up into the open door of the director’s office. And the first person he saw was...Roman. Roman, who didn’t look hurt. Relief and annoyance washed over him all at once. It was short lived though, as he caught Roman’s eye. The boy leaped to his feet, ran from the office, flung himself at Tony, and immediately began babbling.

Tony laid his hands on Roman’s shoulders.

“Hey. Hey, it’s okay. I’m here now, buddy. What happened?”

Before Roman could respond, the director of the center appeared behind Tony. 

“Mr. Girardi? Can you and Roman step into my office please? We have a small situation.”

“Is Roman okay?” Tony didn’t move, rooted in that spot, arms tight around his frightened son. He had no clue what was going on, but damned if he wasn’t going to get to the bottom of it. 

“Roman is just fine,” Jeff answered. “But we need to talk. Come on.”

Once they sat down, Roman poured out the whole story again, and then Jeff let Tony in on what had happened this morning: Dean had bolted from the center. Despite Roman’s protests, the center had called home and informed his mother anyway, but when Roman told them about the potential abuse, they had called the police, who were out looking for him now. No one had seen Dean since. He wasn’t home, and neither was his mother OR the boyfriend. 

Tony tightened his arm around Roman. He was honestly really impressed with his son; telling the adults who could help his friend had taken guts, especially knowing that Dean would probably be furious when he found out. Roman was clearly terribly upset though. His eyes were wide and scared, and he sat with his head laid on Tony’s shoulder, but every so often a tremor shook through him. He held strong, until an hour or so later when Lily walked into the center office. Roman took one look at his mother---and burst into tears.

While Lily sat and comforted Roman, Tony took that opportunity to begin to call in some favors. This wasn’t necessarily a job for the FBI, but he had the resources, and he had the names of two people now rumored to be involved in drugs, so it wasn’t that big of a stretch. He learned that Dean’s mother had racked up the petty convictions for doing drugs, but what bothered him was that there was no record of the child. Where did Dean go when his mother was jailed? Tony had a feeling he’d rather not know. Then he turned his resources to the boyfriend and shuddered when “registered sex offender” was the first thing that popped up on his laptop screen.

Of all the lowlifes in the world, Tony hated pedofiles the most. In fact, he tended to not get those cases, as he nearly lost his job every time he had to interrogate one. Most of the time, Tony was very good at smoothly questioning criminals, but if that criminal was accused of harming a child, of taking away their innocence...Tony shuddered. He and Lily had fostered kids who’d been sexually abused before and that was always the worst. Luckily his wife was 10 times stronger than he, or he’d have cracked under the pressure after the very first one. 

While he was researching, his phone vibrated in his pocket. He looked at the text and got a sly smile on his face. All it said was,

“We’ve got ‘em.”


	7. Just Trust Me

Tony hopped up and went into the office and draped his arm around Roman’s unoccupied shoulder. 

“Listen, bud. I want you to go home with Mom, okay?”

“I can’t. I can’t, Dad, not until you find Dean!”

“Roman. I’m going to take care of it. I promise you, son. I’m going to take care of all of this. You were so brave, buddy. I know sometimes telling something like this is the hardest thing in the whole world, but you were so brave. I’m proud of you, Roman.”

“Daddy, please. Please don’t make me---” Tony met Lily’s eyes, saw the spark of recognition.

“Shhhh, it’s okay,” she soothed. “Come on, Ro. We can’t do much to help from here anyway. Let’s just go home and talk and get some stuff done...it’ll be okay, kiddo. Come on.”

Lily stood Roman up and led him to the door before offering him the keys to the Highlander.

“Go start it up for me. No, you may not drive.” Lily instructed, eliciting a laugh from even Roman.

She turned to Tony once Roman was out of earshot.

“Okay. What’s going on?” She asked quietly.

“They’ve found him, Lu. I ran the names of his mother and the boyfriend, found out some stuff, and sent locals to look and they were in the process of beating the kid senseless when they found him but they found him. He’s being transported to the hospital as we speak. Call Cassie; beg her to get in on this one. I’m going to the hospital to see if he’s okay. Probably best not to tell Roman until I know for sure...I’ll come home tonight and we’ll have a family meeting.”

Lily hugged Tony.

“You are my HERO.” She whispered. He smiled back. 

“I know,” Tony replied. He just hoped it had happened in time.

 

______________

 

“Ro, did you eat lunch?”

“No, I’m not hungry,” Roman replied tearfully. “This is all my fault, Mama.”

Lily immediately found the closest parking lot, parked the car, walked around to Roman’s side and hugged her son close.

“Listen to me,” she whispered. “This is NOT your fault, Roman. You’re the only person who’s done anything to help Dean. You’re a good friend. You knew something was wrong and you found people to help. That was all you could’ve done, baby boy, and you DID it. And Dean is tough. You’ve gotta have faith in him.”

“I do. I do. I just hate those people for hurting him. Especially his own mother.”

“I know, baby. I get it; believe me, I get it. Now come on. Let’s go home and wait for Daddy.” 

Lily fussed over her son the rest of the afternoon. She hated that he was so worried. He didn’t respond to anything. Even Honey Badger couldn’t console him. Eventually Lily just picked up the book they had been reading together, a book called “You’ll Like It Here. Everybody Does.” She wrapped them both in the throw on the sofa and read to him out loud. She knew he was listening, and she felt him relax and when his breathing evened out, she knew he was asleep. She held him anyway.

Roman was still napping on the couch when Tony arrived home. Lily managed to crawl out from behind him without waking him up, then wrapped the blanket around him. Honey Badger jumped up to take her spot, and Roman rolled over and snuggled up tight against the dog.

“So what did you find out?” Lily didn’t even wait for Tony to sit down at the table. Tony looked up at her. 

“Physically he’ll heal. He’s all bruised up and he has a lump on his head and his wrist is fractured.”

“Sons of…” Lily stopped herself but she was livid. Of all the rotten, awful people in the world, to pimp her son out for drugs. Lily wanted to tear someone apart.

“I know. I know. He’s going to spend a day or two in the hospital, and his wrist is probably going to need surgery.”

“I can take care of that,” Lily began but Tony interrupted her.

“No, you can’t,” he said.

“What do you mean I can’t? It’s kind of my job to---” Tony grinned at her.

“It’s a conflict of interest in this case.”

“Conflict of interest? How is it a conflict of---ohhhhhh,” a lightbulb went off in Lily’s head.

“What’s a conflict of interest? Why can’t you operate on Dean?” Roman, clearly agitated, demanded from the doorway. Lily motioned him over to her and wrapped him in a hug.

“Because you don’t operate on family members,” Lily said, waiting for Roman to get it.

“But Dean isn’t a family member,” Roman argued.

“Not yet,” said Tony with a smile.

“What?” He was clearly confused.

“Ro...you asked if Dean could stay with us. Turns out he’s going to,” Lily said.

“You...you mean...REALLY?” Roman shrieked.

“Really,” Tony replied. “I’ve talked to Cassie and she’s getting him an emergency foster status so that when he gets out of the hospital he can stay here.”

“Hospital? Why? What happened to him?”

Tony went back over what he’d already told Lily about Dean’s physical condition. Roman’s face fell. 

“He must hate me. He didn’t want me to tell. He wanted me to promise I wouldn’t tell.”

“He doesn’t hate you, buddy. He’s incredibly angry right now, but not with you. If you hadn’t told when you did, it could’ve ended up so much worse for Dean. He knows that.”

“I want to go see him.”

“Tomorrow, buddy. I’m going to take an overnight bag up tonight and spend the night there so he won’t be alone. He’s pretty scared and in a great deal of pain. Tomorrow you and Mom can go spend the day with him.”

“Except I have a surgery scheduled for tomorrow…” Lily said slowly. 

“You do? I didn’t realize…” 

“Can you get away for the afternoon and I’ll spend the morning?”

“No,” mused Tony. “I’ve got to get stuff knocked out the next two days, because I’m going to work from home for the next two weeks after that.”

“Really? Why?” Roman wanted to know.

“Well, someone has to stay home to get Dean acclimated and it’s not really fair to ask Mama to just cancel everything, is it? Of course, I’ll need your help, bud. You okay with staying home from the center for awhile?”

“Yes! We can go exploring and watch movies and swim!” Roman could hardly contain his excitement.

“It’s going to be hard for Dean to swim with a broken arm,” Lily pointed out. 

“Hmmm….well, Roman and I will just have to build him some sort of flotation device so his arm can stay elevated,” Tony replied. 

“That sounds like great fun, but that doesn’t change our problem with tomorrow.” 

“Well, he may just have to hang out on his own for a little while,” Tony began, though he hated the idea.

“Why can’t I just stay with him?” Roman asked.

“Well…” Tony mused.

“I suppose we could ask the hospital if Roman could hang out with Dean.”

“If it’s not okay, I’ll come up for the afternoon and then spend the evening at the office,” Tony said. “But I’ve got to get some stuff together and get back up to the hospital. By the way, Roman---Dean seems like a fun kid. I really like him.”

Roman just grinned.

“Mom, Dad, please can I go visit Dean? Like tonight?”

“Not tonight, Buddy, okay? He’s had a lot of medicine to make his pain go away and to help with some of the anxiety. He was finally asleep when I left and I’ve got a nurse who agreed to text me if he wakes up but I haven’t heard from her…”

“But if he’s scared I can help him. Please?” Roman was beginning to cry again.

Tony watched Lily sweep Roman into her arms, watched his son bury his face into her neck. She began rubbing lazy circles onto his lower back.

“Ro. Dad’s right,” she soothed. There was something about her touch that calmed their boy, and Tony wrapped his arms around them both. Finally Roman nodded.

“Okay. Okay. I’ll stay. But hurry and get back to him Dad. Please?”

Tony grinned.

“You got it, buddy.”

 

______________________

 

It was late and Roman was tired, but he couldn’t sleep. He’d tried everything but all he could do was think about Dean. With a sigh, he finally got up out of bed; he knew what he needed. He felt a little silly as he traipsed down the hall; he WAS 12 years old after all. But desperate times called for desperate measures.

“Mama?”

Roman stood in the doorway of his parents’ bedroom, waiting for the answer he knew would come.

“Come here, baby,” came Lily’s murmured reply. She held back the covers so he could crawl into bed beside her, and then she pulled him close to her.

“Couldn’t sleep, Ro?” Lily whispered. He shook his head. 

“It’s okay. I couldn’t either.” Her voice was quiet. “I can’t stop thinking about Dean.”

“Me too. Mom, is he going to be okay?”

“Daddy said that physically he’s going heal just fine.”

“What about...what about not physically?” 

He felt Lily smile against his neck. 

“That’d be emotionally,” she said. “I don’t know, Ro. It’s...there are all different kinds of abuse, and different people react different ways, and they need different things in order to recover. I think Dean is young and strong, and that’s a good thing. I also think he’s going to struggle with trust at first.”

“Just like me,” Roman said quietly. “Except I was never abused.”

“You were abused, kiddo. Neglect is abuse. And yes; it was hard for you to trust and I know in some situations it still is, sometimes.” Roman felt her arms tighten around him and he nuzzled his face into her neck. “I think that having you around, though, will be the best thing FOR Dean. He’s going to see you and your example and that’s going to help him because he’ll know that if you feel safe, he can too.”

“I just want him to be okay,” Roman whispered into Lily.

“I know, baby. I know. We’re going to give him love and support and all the patience in the world. And he’s going to be okay because we’re going to help him be okay.

“I love you, Mommy. I love Daddy too,” said Roman with a contented sigh. 

“I love you too, Roman. I love you so much. You are the very best thing that ever happened to Daddy and me.” Her fingers found Roman’s hair, and it wasn’t too much longer before he found his eyelids grow heavy and then he fell asleep in Lily’s arms.

He woke up to Lily murmuring softly in his ear, 

“Come on, baby, wake up. It’s time to get dressed and go see Dean.”

Roman got up and took a shower, dressed quickly, and threw some Blu Rays and video games into his duffel bag. Looking around, he also opted to grab some books and a few of his Sports Illustrated magazines. He didn’t want Dean to be bored during his hospital stay. Once he was satisfied he had everything Dean would need, he went to the kitchen, where Lily was feeding dogs and cats. 

“Ready, kiddo?” Lily asked him. 

Roman shrugged. Suddenly he was more than a little bit nervous. Tony had said that Dean wasn’t mad at him, but he suspected Dean hadn’t exactly jumped at the chance to pour his heart out to Tony either. On the other hand, Tony had said that Dean seemed like a fun kid, and how could he know that unless they’d talked at least a little. Roman sighed.

“It’s gonna be okay, Ro,” Lily said quietly, hugging him. “C’mon, we can stop and get breakfast on the way.”

They arrived at the hospital armed with food from McDonald’s and got on an elevator. Lily pushed the button for the 11th floor. By the time the door opened again and they arrived in front of Dean’s room, Roman was shaking a little. What was he afraid of? Scratch that; he knew the answer. Despite everything that had taken place over the last several weeks, Roman had never seen Dean with a cut, a bruise, or anything else that would give away what Dean had been going through. Now, though...he knew Dean didn’t look good. Even if he was going to be okay, it was hard for Roman to think about his friend in pain, and he couldn’t pretend it wasn’t happening if he could actually see it. And besides that...he didn’t know what he was supposed to say.

Lily seemed able to sense all of this, though, and she ran her fingers through Roman’s hair. 

“Wait and see how he feels, kiddo,” she whispered. “Don’t put any pressure on yourself just yet. Just wait and see how it goes. If he doesn’t feel like talking we don’t have to talk. Let’s just go with it. Okay?”

Roman nodded and heaved a deep breath. Then he swung Dean’s door open and stepped inside.

Dean was asleep, and Roman felt relieved. Tony looked exhausted, but he immediately got up and swept Lily and Roman into a huge bear hug. 

“How’d last night go?” Lily asked him. Tony sighed.

“Could’ve been better, but I’ve seen way worse, too. The first anxiety med they have him made him freak out, so we had to wait for it to wear off, and THAT was tough. He’s really afraid his mother and the boyfriend are going to come back for him.” Roman’s heart ached for his friend. He remembered that fear all too well, the fear of the unknown, of not knowing where he’d end up next, of not knowing what was going to happen to him. In Dean’s case, he reckoned, he thought he DID know what was going to happen next and that probably felt even worse. And there was nothing Roman could do; no way he could speed up the process of Dean learning that he was safe now and that the Girardi’s could be trusted, and that no one was ever going to be allowed to hurt him again. All he could do was be patient. He suddenly had a new respect for how patient Lily and Tony had been with HIM in the beginning.

His parents had been talking and he realized he’d missed a lot the conversation. Tony was telling Lily that he wasn’t sure he should leave, musing that maybe he could work from the hospital. Then Lily was telling him to go, that they’d be just fine. Then she was kissing Tony on the cheek, and then he was hugging Roman goodbye and then...then he was gone.

Lily and Roman looked at each other. Then Lily smiled at him.

“You tired? I think Dean may sleep for a little while yet, so you might as well get some rest too. Daddy thinks it could be a long day…” she wrapped her arm around him. 

“I’m not tired. I’m okay,” Roman said, but he rested his head on Lily’s shoulder anyway. It didn’t take him long to doze off.

He woke up to Lily gently shaking his shoulder, soft moaning in the background, and a strange voice speaking with a sense of urgency somewhere in the room. Then his mother’s voice.

“Hang on. Roman’s awake. Come here, Ro.” She guided him towards Dean’s bed and then he understood. A nurse was trying to calm Dean, who was crying silently, curled in the fetal position. Lily pulled a chair next to Dean’s bed and indicated that Roman should sit down. When Dean saw Roman, he began stuttering. 

“R-Rome? R-r-r-oman?”

“Hey, Dean. Hey, man. Don’t cry. It’s okay. They can never hurt you again, Dean.”

“H-he said he’d stay w-w-ith m-me til m-m-m-morning,” Dean stammered.

“Who did?” Roman asked quietly.

“Your d-dad,” Dean moaned.

“Oh. Dean, he did. He was here when Mom and I got here but now it’s---” Roman looked around at his mother for help. 

“9:45,” Lily supplied.

“It’s 9:45, dude. He went to work. That’s all. He’ll be back in a few more hours.” Roman thought a moment, then offered his hand to Dean. He felt his mother wrap her arms around his chest and rest her chin on his shoulder.

“This is my mom,” Roman continued, feeling stronger suddenly. “Her name’s Lily. She’s awesome, Dean. Both of my parents are amazing. I know it’s hard; it was hard for me too at first. But you have to try and trust them. They’re going to keep you safe, just like they keep me safe. I know it’s hard but...you have to try.” Lily squeezed his shoulder. She wordlessly reached her right hand down Roman’s arm to lay it on top of the hand that Dean was squeezing. Dean flinched at first but as soon as he realized that she meant him no harm, he relaxed. His tears were drying and his breathing evened. He closed one black eye.

Roman had to admit that aside from two black eyes and his wrist in a brace, Dean didn’t look half bad. He was obviously terrified but Roman figured it could’ve been so much worse. 

“You’re gonna be okay, Dean,” Roman heard Lily murmur. “What can we do for you? Are you cold or thirsty or anything?” 

“Can I have some applesauce?” Dean whispered. “I had applesauce last night.”

“You can have whatever you want, boy-o,” Lily replied. “I’ll be right back.”

“Is she always like this?” Dean asked as soon as Lily left the room.

“Like what?” Roman wanted to know, not sure what his friend meant.

“Like...like her eyes, man. Her eyes really care about me. You can just tell.”

“Ha! Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, and yes, she’s always like that. The first day I met her, I was so pissed off at the world but I still had this urge to just beg her to hug me and fix everything. Now...I love her. She really is my Mom. My biological mother...Lily’s given me more in the 2 ½ years that I’ve lived with her than my biological mother has ever given me in over 12 years.”

“So why do you still call her Lily?” 

“Actually, I call her Mom most of the time. Or Mommy if she’s feeling bad, because she likes it.”

“Your dad says I’m going home with you,” Dean’s voice was barely above a whisper. 

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s the plan, as long as you’re cool with it.”

“I don’t have a better idea. I just…” Dean didn’t finish his thought but he didn’t need to. Roman knew exactly how he felt. 

“Look, I know you’re in that place right now where you want everything to be okay, but at the same time you don’t because then it’s just going to hurt worse when it caves. But it WON’T cave, Dean. Not this time. Not with them. Just...just trust me.”

 

____________________

 

Trust him. Dean trusted Roman; that was the easy part. And he trusted Tony, even if that took a little more of him to get there. And really, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to trust Lily; she seemed cool enough. But...his own mother. His own MOTHER. She gave a man who already hurt him plenty permission to do things to him that left him feeling beyond empty. The nurse in the ER had examined him down there, confirmed that he had in fact been assaulted. There were probing fingers and flashes from a camera and just...more than Dean could really wrap his head around. So he opted instead for pretending it hadn’t happened.  
The pain made that difficult, though. Even now 2 days later, every time he moved it felt like someone sliced up his belly with a knife. Walking was awful and going to the bathroom was sheer hell.

Add that to the additional damage inflicted on him the night before...Dean decided he loved morphine, or whatever it was the doctors had given him for the pain. Unfortunately they’d capped it off with a shot of something for anxiety, and THAT had been awful. It had done the exact opposite of the job it was meant to do, causing him to shake for hours and see things that weren’t even there. Tony had been really kind to him. He’d moved a chair into the corner of the room, so Dean could see him but so he wasn’t too close, and he’d sat there and spoken to Dean softly for hours straight until finally the meds wore off and Dean, exhausted, fell asleep. 

Now, here, lying in bed talking to Roman, Dean felt the most relaxed he felt in...maybe ever, but for sure in years. Lily had brought him back his applesauce and a few crackers, and they’d tasted incredible. He was okay with her being there as long as Roman stayed close by, so she softly asked him questions about what foods he liked, his favorite movies, school, sports---virtually everything except the parts he obviously didn’t want to talk about. Unfortunately, the pain began to come back. He sucked in a sharp breath, and Lily paused.

“Does it hurt, sweetheart?” She crooned. He just nodded and tried to curl up tighter. Lily reached out to touch Dean’s shoulder but when he cringed, she drew her hand away. 

“It’s all right, love,” she murmured. “It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you.” And Dean allowed her to rub his arm. “Where does it hurt, sweetie?”

“My...my um...it…” he was suddenly too embarrassed to say that his butt hurt. Of course, that wasn’t the only thing that hurt, but that was what hurt the most right then. So he settled for a half-truth.

“My arm,” he finally managed to whimper. His arm DID ache. Tony had told him he would have surgery the next day, and then after that was finished he would be released.

“Okay, sweets,” Lily’s voice was soothing and calm. “I’ll see what we can get for you.”

The second Lily left the room, Roman called Dean out.

“What’s the problem, really?”

“My ass; it fucking HURTS, but how am I supposed to tell HER that?”

“Dean, dude, you gotta tell her the truth. She can’t help you if you don’t.” Roman quietly scolded his friend, then Lily reappeared with some pills and a cup of juice. 

“Here you go, Dean. Try these.”

Dean took the pills and laid back, trying to relax again. Eventually the pain let up. He began to feel quite sleepy, actually. Wondering what she’d given him, he rolled to the side and sighed deeply. This time when he felt Lily’s hand on him he just flinched a little before relaxing against her touch.

“There. That’s better, huh? It’s okay; you can rest. Try and sleep, Dean. I have to go soon but Roman will be here and Tony will be back before you know it. Just rest, sweetie.”

Dean’s eyes closed. He fell asleep to the lull of Lily’s soft voice and her hand softly rubbing his back.


	8. Dean, Mt. Dew, and a Banana Muffin

Lily looked lovingly at the small curled form of the child sleeping next to her. Eleven years old and already forced to grow up way more than most adult men. It still infuriated her; the idea of a man raping Dean, getting his kicks from a little boy. She wondered if there had been other times. Dean’s mother sounded like a real peach. Sometimes, she just hated humanity and it didn’t seem fair that here she and Tony, good people, were never able to conceive a child, while mothers like Dean’s and Roman’s were allowed to have precious children that they, in turn, made miserable. She usually tried to remind herself that if it HADN’T been for someone like that, she wouldn’t have her Roman. But once in awhile, she still struggled with it.

Lily believed in God, and she had been raised absentee Catholic, so she wasn’t really a churchgoer, but she figured she didn’t need to be in order to pray, to worship, and to be very thankful. So she did. She thanked God every day for the gift that was Roman. She thanked God that Roman was turning into a well-mannered, handsome, gentle young man who genuinely cared for others and who knew right from wrong. And while she liked to think that she and Tony deserved maybe part of the credit for that, she knew most of it belonged to Roman. If anyone had had the right to tell the world to f-off, it’d been Roman. Instead he’d chosen trust and love, he’d let them in, and he’d made them the family they desperately wanted. They knew they would probably never be able to adopt him legally, but they didn’t care. He was theirs, that was what mattered. 

Her mind drifted back to Dean, though. Dean, who flinched under her touch, who winced away from her, who had no real desire to place any trust in her since mothers had obviously not worked out in his favor in the past. No matter how much she loved Roman, and she did, more than the world itself, she knew she had enough room in her heart for Dean too, and now he needed love and trust and guidance just as Roman had...so maybe…

Lily shook that thought off; it was way too early to even be thinking about making Dean a long-term foster. For all she knew, some grandparent was being contacted or something, even though in her heart she knew better. No one was going to come forward for him. If someone could, she knew odds were that they would have already, before it had gotten to this point.

She tried to focus on the anesthetized person lying on her operating table, on tightening the loosened tendons in the man’s elbow, but her mind kept wandering just a little. Finally, finally, she finished, relieved that she hadn’t messed anything up. Lily normally absolutely loved her job. She loved working closely with people, she loved fixing things that wouldn’t heal on their own otherwise, and she loved giving people their livelihoods back. Right now though, she just wanted to get back to her boys. To Tony and Roman, and to see how Dean was fairing. She spoke with her patient’s family, let them know the operation had been successful and what to expect during recovery, then went to the locker room and put her street clothes back on and went back up to the 11th floor.

Lily could hear the commotion in Dean’s room long before she arrived at the door. She ran the last 100 feet.

The sight that met her eyes made her heart sink. Dean was curled up on his bed, screaming, crying, obviously terrified. Tony was trying to talk him down, and two nurses were holding on to him. Roman was backed into a corner, arms wrapped around his knees, hands over his ears, and tears streaming down his face.

“What in HELL is going on in here?” Lily demanded sharply. Everyone in the room froze except poor Dean, who obviously sensed her presence and began to panic even more. Roman scrambled to his feet.

“Mommy! Mommy help him!” Lily guided him to one of the chairs and commanded him to sit down and stay there. She knew her voice was sharp, but she needed him to know she was serious. 

“You two, LET GO OF HIM.” Another command, at the nurses this time, who knew Dr. G well and didn’t dare defy her, in spite of their orders from the pediatrician. Lily approached Dean’s bed. The room was silent now except for his screams and cries. She turned to Tony.

“What happened to him?”

“He slept for awhile and then the police came to question him---they couldn’t last night; he was too out of it---and he started having a panic attack while they were talking to him,” Tony’s voice was soft; Lily knew that he’d been trying to calm Dean for awhile.

“Okay, and that’s how he got like this?”

“No, he got like this because he was given some medicine to calm him down and just like last night, it clearly isn’t agreeing with him.”

“Clearly,” Lily muttered, irritated. How hard was it to read a chart? 

“Did you approve it?” She asked Tony. She tried to keep the accusatory tone from her voice, but it was hard when all she wanted right now was to know who she needed to kill.

“I approved. They didn’t think this would happen again…” Tony trailed off. Lily sighed. Dean continued to sob and writhe, and occasionally squeal beside them.

“Take Roman and get something to eat,” Lily said quietly.

“I’m not sure I should---” he began.

“Anthony.” There was a venomous quality to her voice, indicating that this discussion was now closed. She turned then and focused her attention on Dean.

“What’s happening, sweetie?” She cooed. A huge sob escaped his throat.

“Monsters. There are monsters. They’re big and scaly with long necks and fangs. They’re going to eat me because my mother told them that...that I’ve been bad.” The last word came out as a wail. 

“You see monsters, sweetness?” Lily moved slowly, retrieving a washcloth from the sink and wetting it. 

“Don’t tell me they aren’t here. They’re here. I see them. I see them. They’re going to eat me as soon as you leave me alone. I don’t want to be alone. I’m always alone.”

“I know they’re here, Dean. I know.” She soothed him softly, indulging his fears. It would do her no good to be rational right now; Dean was hallucinating and there was nothing rational about that. Until it was over, no one was going to convince him that the monsters, his mother and her boyfriend, were gone for good. 

“You do?” Even in Dean’s compromised state, he sounded confused, as though he’d been prepared for Lily to argue with him. 

“I do. I can’t see them because they’re your monsters, sweetie. But I know they’re here. I can’t make them go away; you’re the only one who can and you’re not strong enough yet, and that’s okay, Dean. But I’m not going to leave you and as long as I’m here, they can’t hurt you.” She reached out to soak his sweat and tear stained face in the cool water. Dean cried out but didn’t move. His eyes were wild, pupils huge, but he was listening; she could tell.

“How many monsters, sweetness?”

“T-two,” Dean stammered. “Two enormous monsters. They look like dragons with no wings. They want to hurt me. They want to punish me for being a bad boy.”

“You haven’t been a bad boy. You’ve been a very, very good, sweet boy. It isn’t your fault, Dean. It isn’t your fault your mother sent monsters after you. You’re not bad, sweetheart. You’ve never been bad. They can’t hurt you,” Lily repeated, her voice still soft and even. “No one can hurt you anymore, sweetie. I’m going to keep you safe.”

“Keep me safe?” Dean whimpered. “No one can keep me safe...they’ll get me again. They always get me again.”

“Not anymore, Dean,” Lily continued to soothe, running her fingers through his sweat-damp hair. He allowed the contact. “Not while I’m here. As long as I’m here you’re safe, and I’m not going anywhere until you’re strong enough to fight on your own.” Her fingers trailed down Dean’s neck, until she was calmly rubbing circles on his back. 

“You---you can stop them?” Dean’s voice was nothing more than a whisper now, the sobs reduced to sniffles. Lily bathed his face again with the cool cloth, then offered him a few sips of water. 

“I can. I will. Wanna know how?”

“H-how?” He whispered. 

Lily kicked her shoes off and crawled into Dean’s hospital bed beside him. She waited a moment, and when he didn’t protest, she laid down and wrapped her arms around him, careful not to jar his wrist. Even in his heightened, terrified state, Dean wrapped his arm around her. She gently cupped the back of his head and pulled his face closer so she was shielding him from the light in the room.

“You’re going to close your eyes so you can’t see them anymore. And you’re going to rest your head right here with me and I’m going to hold on to you. Just until you’re feeling stronger; strong enough to look those monsters in the eye and tell them that you’re done with them, so they have to leave. I’m going to stay right here, Dean, and as long as you’re in my arms, no monster can get you.”

“I’m not strong,” Dean whispered sadly against her.

“Not right now,” Lily agreed. “Your body and mind need to heal. That’s okay, sweetie. I can be strong enough for both of us right now.” Dean had completely stopped crying at this point, his exhausted body limp beside her.

“Just don’t let them hurt me,” he whimpered.

“I promise, Dean. They’re never going to hurt you ever again. It’s over, sweetie. It’s over and they are never ever going to harm you again.”

When Roman and Tony returned from the hospital cafeteria, Lily was laying next to Dean, cradling his body against her. He was sound asleep. Tony went straight to Lily and kissed her on the cheek.

“You,” he stated, “are amazing.”

She smiled, then looked at Roman. 

“Hey, kiddo. D’you eat?” 

Roman just nodded. He was happy that Dean wasn’t terrified anymore, but he still was upset about everything that had just happened. 

“You okay, Ro?” His mom’s voice cut through his thoughts. 

“Yeah. Yeah, just...scared me.” He didn’t need to say more; he knew his parents would understand. Lily gently disengaged herself from sleeping Dean, climbed to her feet, and led Roman to the recliner. She sat down and drew Roman into her arms and rocked him. Roman heaved a huge sigh. No matter how old he got, he didn’t think he’d ever tire of being loved and cuddled by his mother. For the first nine years of his life, he couldn’t recall ever being offered comfort when he was sick or scared or hurt. Lily liked to tell him that she was making up for it. So even though he was almost as tall as she was these days, the safety of her arms was still welcome. 

“What happened? Tell me about it,” she murmured.

“He just...he was scared, you know? The cops made him answer all kinds of questions and it was upsetting him but they kept asking. And then he started to cry and shake, and Dad told them that was enough for right now. So they left but they said they’d be back later, even though Dad told him that Dean was probably going to need a few days before he could really discuss it. Then nurses came in and said he was in distress, so they had to give him something to calm him down. At first Dad said no. He said to give him time to settle down. We tried, Mama. We tried to talk to Dean. We tried holding his hand. But he couldn’t breathe so the nurse told Dad...she told him that they had to give Dean a shot so he’d sleep. Only it didn’t make him sleep. He was screaming and crying about monsters. He tried to hit me because he thought...he thought I was going to hurt him. Mom, I’d never hurt him…” Roman’s voice trailed off.

“Oh, baby. I know you wouldn’t. Dean knows that too. He probably didn’t realize it was you. Something about those medications just doesn’t agree with him at all.” She looked over at his dad. “T---how long ago did this start?”

“I think they medicated him around...1:00.” Lily glanced at the clock on the wall.

“So he’ll be waking up soon and it’ll have worn off...I think we can safely say that from now on, no anxiety meds. If I can calm him down while he’s under the effects of those meds, then we should be able to calm him down without making everything worse. Ro,” Roman craned his neck so that he could look his mother in the eyes. 

“Dad and I are so proud of you, Roman,” Lily told him softly. 

“Why? I didn’t do anything,” Roman replied.

He felt Lily’s embrace tighten. Tony got up from Dean’s side and pulled the chair over to Lily and Roman. He reached out a hand and rested on his son’s shoulder.

“Roman, you’ve done so much. You found a way to help Dean, you’ve stayed by his side when he’s needed you the most---you’re going to make a fantastic big brother.”

Roman blushed; he didn’t think he’d done anything out of the ordinary, but it felt good to hear his parents’ praise anyway. He rested his head against Lily’s shoulder, relaxing into her as Tony rubbed his arm. He was on the verge of dozing off when they all heard a tired voice croak from the bed,

“Hey, I hate to break up this party but...I really gotta pee.”

Dean was awake. And he was almost smiling.

 

________________________

 

Tony sat in the operating room waiting area with Lily to his right and Roman to his left. Dean had gone back just about 45 minutes ago, but the procedure wasn’t supposed to take more than an hour and a half. He thought back to the night before. After Dean had woken up, they’d gotten him some dinner; he’d claimed he was starving, so they’d helped him choose something from the hospital menu. He’d then picked at it. Around 8:30, Tony had suggested that Lily take Roman home. Roman had put up a pretty good fuss, but Lily had taken him by the arm and guided him out anyway, reminding him that they needed to get a bedroom ready for Dean. He’d finally gone with her reluctantly.

Dean had a pretty good night. The nurse had given him more pain meds at about 11, and they’d let him drink a smoothie, knowing he’d have to cut off all food and drinks by midnight. His sleep had been decent. He’d cried out a few times, but Tony had held his hand and rubbed his arm, and whatever had plagued him had always gone away. Then he woke up at ten after 5, and no amount of soothing had helped him go back to sleep. So instead Tony had laid beside Dean in his hospital bed and they had just talked. Tony had learned that while Dean liked sports (he was a Bengals fan; who knew they even existed anymore?), what he really wanted was to ride dirt bikes and climb mountains. An extremist, Tony, had thought. He liked that. Not that Roman wasn’t adventurous but he loved football and that was the extracurricular activity he’d chosen to devote himself to. 

Tony also learned a few things that made him sad and sharply reminded him of Roman in the beginning. For example, no one had ever taken Dean fishing, or played catch with him, or gently rough-housed with him on soft carpet. Dean had never left Houston. He hadn’t been fed enough. In fact, he’d often had food withheld as punishment for some likely imagined misbehavior. Dean had asked Tony why, when Roman had become benevolent over having to go home, had neither of his parents “popped him upside the head” for it. Tony’s response seemed to have taken Dean by surprise.

“We don’t hit Roman, Dean. Ever. No matter what he does. No one ever deserves to be touched out of anger.”

Dean had sighed and then whispered,

“Well, he’s lucky. I hope he knows it.”

And Tony had quietly replied,

“I know you’ve been raised differently. So had he until he came to us. But that ends now, Dean. We don’t hit Roman, and we aren’t going to hit you. That’s not to say your behavior will never have consequences. But really, what have you ever learned from being beaten besides not to trust adults? I grew up in the 60’s and my parents were far from abusive, but I clearly recall getting a belt taken to my ass when I’d done something wrong and not clearly understanding exactly what I’d done. And I vowed a long time ago that I was never going to raise my own children that way. I loved my parents very much, still do, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t just a little afraid of them. I don’t ever want Roman to be afraid of me. You either.”

Now, sitting there with Roman and Lily, Tony was aware of how much he loved Dean already. His desire to protect him was every bit as strong as his desire to keep Roman safe. And regardless of the nurses, the orthopedic pediatric surgeon, and even his own wife reassuring him that this was a simple procedure, he just wanted to take his boys home. Both of them. He was ready to teach Dean how to be a kid.

The doctor appeared in the doorway and both Lily and Tony jumped to their feet, then relaxed when he broke out into a broad smile. 

“Dean did great,” Ed Calhoun said. Ed was a friend, a colleague of Lily’s. Tony wasn’t at all perplexed when she hugged him. 

“Thank you. Thank you so much. Ed, this is our son Roman,” Lily motioned for Roman to stand, and he obediently got up and shook Ed’s hand. 

“Nice to meet you, Roman. You’re the big brother now huh?”

“I guess,” Roman looked at his shoes, and Lily and Tony exchanged glances; by now, they both knew that meant that something was bothering their son. Tony figured that a new brother was probably a lot to take in. He wondered if Roman was feeling a little jealous. Tony wrapped his arm around him and pulled him back down into the chairs, while Ed and Lily discussed the operation. 

“You okay?” Tony whispered into Roman’s ear. Roman shrugged.

“I’m just...Dad, I want to get Dean and go home,” Roman whispered. Tony hugged him.

“I know. Me too, buddy. Me too. He’s got to rest here for a few hours, and then we’ll all go home and stay there all weekend and hang out. How’s that sound?”

Roman just shrugged again.

“You sure that’s all, bud? Because you know you can tell Mom and me absolutely anything right? No matter what it is?”

“Even if it’s really mean and stupid?” Roman muttered, so softly Tony had to strain to hear him.

“Even then. Lu?” Tony turned to Lily. “Roman and I are going to walk down to the cafeteria to get some coffee and maybe a muffin. You want anything?”

“A banana muffin and a Mt. Dew the size of my face,” Tony couldn’t help noticing how tired his wife looked. He wondered if she’d slept much the night before.

“Okay,” Tony hooked an arm around Roman’s shoulders and guided him from the room. As soon as they were in the cafeteria, Tony ordered a coffee and a strawberry kiwi smoothie and a couple of muffins and he and Roman sat down facing each other.

“Okay. I’m here. Spill it.” Tony took Roman’s hands. 

“I don’t know, I guess...I guess I just...I’m scared, Dad,” Roman whispered. “It’s really dumb and I feel guilty about it because God, after Dean...after they...no one deserves a family who’ll care about him more than he does.”

“But you’re afraid that means said family is going to care less about you.” It wasn’t a question. Roman nodded miserably.

“Does that make me a horrible person?” He whispered. Tony squeezed his hands.

“Of course not. A horrible person is the one who put Dean in this position in the first place. Roman, I think this is a little like when we first brought you home. Do you remember what that was like? How you felt then?”

Roman nodded.

“Well, it’s kind of like that again. No matter how many times we told you that you could trust us, you had to learn it on your own. But eventually you did, right?”

“Yes. I did,” Roman replied.

“So this is like that. Mama and I can tell you over and over again that no matter what happens, even if we take in 10 more children, we’re not going to love you even a tiny bit less. But that’s something you’re probably going to have to learn for yourself. And that’s okay. It’s okay to be afraid, buddy. To be honest, I’m kind of scared too. Just like I was scared when I first brought YOU home.”

“You? I didn’t think you were scared of anything.”

“Roman, I’m scared of all kinds of things. Back then, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to give you what you needed to make you happy and to make you feel safe. Now I’m a little afraid I won’t be able to provide that for Dean. And on Wednesday when I landed in Houston, I was flat out TERRIFIED. Five calls from the community center? I was sure something awful had happened to you and no one had been able to get ahold of your mom. Then when I ran into the office and saw you sitting there---Jesus, I was so damn relieved, I just wanted to squeeze you until your eyes bugged out.”

Roman laughed a little.

“Well, I was really happy to see you but I’m glad you didn’t squeeze my eyeballs out. And really, Dad, 10 more kids? Can you wait to make sure you can handle me and Dean first?”

Tony laughed too.

“I promise,” he said. “Come on. Let’s take Mom her soda. Roman?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you, son.”

Roman smiled as he stood up.

“I love you too, Dad.”

When they returned to the waiting room, Lily was pretending to read a magazine. Tony knew she was pretending because her eyes were looking out over the top of it, rather than AT it. She sprang to her feet when she saw them.

“Everything okay?” She asked them cautiously.

Tony gazed at Roman for a moment, then turned to Lily and kissed her.

“Everything will be. Everything will be just amazing.” He grinned at her and she grinned back.

Then a nurse appeared in the doorway.

“Excuse me---are you Dean Ambrose’s mother?” The nurse looked at Lily expectantly.

“I’m his foster mother, yes,” Lily replied.

“Well, you need to come with me,” the nurse said. “Dean is awake, and he’s asking for his mother.”

 

____________________

 

“He’s in here,” the nurse instructed, leading Lily into a small recovery room. Lily cringed when she saw him.

Dean was semi-upright in the hospital bed, leaning back against some pillows. His wrist was elevated and wrapped in bandages. His eyes were squeezed shut, but Lily could see that he was crying silently.

“No...Mama. Mama, no, no,” he whimpered through his tears.

It was then that Lily realized that Dean had NOT been calling for her.

“She isn’t here, Dean,” Lily kept her voice even and calm, trying to soothe him.

“L-Lily?” Dean’s eyes flew open and he choked on her name just a little. 

“Shhhh...yes, sweetie. It’s me. Just me. She’s not here, baby. Just me,” Lily murmured, noting with a pang the fresh tears that leaked from the boy’s eyes. 

“Hey...you’re okay, Dean. I know you’re kind of out of it. But you’re okay. Just rest. Rest, rest, so I can take you home, sweetheart. Everything is going to be okay,” she crooned. It seemed to work. Dean stopped crying and relaxed.

“Does it hurt at all?” Lily whispered.

“No, I...I can’t feel anything,” Dean answered thickly.

“Good. That’s how it needs to be for awhile. You did good though, sweetie. The doctor said you did so good, and now it’s over and all that’s left to do is get better. In three weeks the pins will come out, and then you’ll be in a cast for 8 weeks, and then it’ll be good as new, Dean. And we’re going to help you. Tony and Roman are waiting to see you, love.”

Noting that Dean was calm now, Lily took his unbandaged hand and held it, but she stopped talking. He wasn’t asleep; every so often he’d open his blue eyes and stare at her. It wasn’t in an uncomfortable way though. Neither of them spoke for the longest time, until a nurse came in and said they were ready to move Dean back to his room. They wanted to observe him for a few more hours, she said, and then the Girardi’s would be free to take him home. Lily held his hand the whole way, and was thrilled to see Tony and Roman already waiting there.

“Dean!” Roman jumped up and hopped to his new foster brother’s side. Dean had opened his eyes and his lips spread into the biggest, dopiest grin Lily had ever seen. Then Tony had pulled up a chair and pulled Roman onto his lap and Dean’s smile had grown wider. Lily sighed. Even after all the time she’d spent convincing herself that they were doing the right thing for everyone involved, she’d still had her petty doubts---until that very moment. Right then, staring at her boys, she felt whole. She felt complete. She knew she was never going to let any of them go.


	9. Roman Is NOT a Shark

“Mom, LET GO!” Dean stubbornly pulled the hairbrush out of her hand. “I’m a big kid. I can comb my own hair!” Then he tried to to brush the gnarled, tangled mess before heaving a huge sigh and handing the brush back to Lily.

“Nevermind. YOU do it. Just don’t pull. And I’m still a big kid. And I can STILL comb my own hair.” 

Lily laughed gently. 

“You know, sweetie, if you’d use the conditioner I bought you and comb through it when it’s wet---” Dean grunted an interruption and wiggled away from her, the look of indignation on his face too much for his mom and Roman, who both burst into giggles.

It hadn’t taken long in his foster home for Dean’s feisty side to emerge, but it had come out with a vengeance. Luckily his foster parents seemed to relish it, and they seemed to relish him. The first week or so had been miserable, sure. Dean had been frightened, confused, and in a great deal of pain. There had been long tear-filled nights, full of nightmares about Dean-eating monsters, beatings, and forced sexual attention, but he was never, ever made to endure it alone. Someone was always with him to gently talk to him and soothe him. One night he’d screamed so hard that Tony had scooped him up and they’d carried him to the living room so he wouldn’t wake Roman. Lily had rocked him in a big comfy chair until he’d slept. Dean couldn’t remember his biological mother ever treating him so tenderly, as though he mattered. At first, he’d gotten up at night and stolen food and hidden it, but about the fourth time he got discovered when he’d accidentally tripped the alarm. The punishment he expected never came. They’d had a long talk about how being part of a family meant always having enough to eat, and he was welcome to anything he wanted, but not in the middle of the night, and could he please stop hiding ham sandwiches under his pillow? 

There had been even longer angry, agonizing days. He had to start working through his anger and hatred of his mother, and that was hard. But once his body had begun to solidly heal, everything had gotten remarkably easier and more comfortable. Dean had had to learn how to be part of a real family though. There was no screaming allowed; he was expected to talk about why he was angry or afraid. He was expected to treat Roman like a brother (that part was easy). At first it was the hardest thing Dean had ever done. He wasn’t used to people really caring about his needs, making sure he was taken care of. Making sure he was clean, fed, and rested. They insisted he go to bed at a reasonable time, and he balked. They cooked healthy food, and he acted like he didn’t want it. Every time he messed up he nearly came unhinged, waiting for the fallout. Lily and Tony had reassured him over and over that it wasn’t his fault; he’d just never been part of a real family before. They were right about that, actually. 

But if this was a real family, Dean had truly been missing out those first 11 years. 

Nobody hit him. Nobody cursed at him, called him names, shunned him, or bemoaned his very existence. He was CERTAINLY safe from ever being touched in a way that was not okay; there was never any shortage of hugs, kisses, and ‘I love yous’ to be had, for him OR for Roman. And none of it was bullshit either; they meant it. Their patience paid off when he rewarded them by calling them Mom and Dad a mere three weeks after coming home. Nevermind that he’d been at the hospital having his pins removed and he was terrified, so he’d begged Lily to come in with him, and one flash of her credentials made it happen. She had held his good hand, kept her hand on his cheek, and talked him through the entire procedure. When it had been over and the pain had started back, Tony had picked him up and held him tight while Lily gave him pain meds, and then Tony had wrapped his other arm around Roman, til he was holding them both, and they had watched old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reruns for hours. Those actions were Mom and Dad enough for Dean.

And then, there was Roman. Roman, who had stayed close to Dean’s side for weeks. Roman, who’d reassured him that 6th grade at Creek Ridge Middle School was going to be a ton of fun. Roman, who had sat and listened to Dean sob out his frustration when he finally admitted that it was a struggle to get through each school day because he could barely read. Roman, who’d saved him the humiliation of admitting it to their parents by telling them himself. And it was Roman who tirelessly worked with him every day after finishing his own homework.

It’d been about three months since the surgery; it was nearly Halloween now. They didn’t have actual seasons in Texas, but the weather was beginning to cool and he and Roman and Tony were spending a lot more time outdoors in the evenings and on the weekends, and often, Lily would join them, sometimes on a horse. Dean’s cast had only been off about two weeks when Roman sat him down one day and asked him if he’d given any thought to Halloween.

Dean stared at his brother blankly.

“Wait---you DO know what Halloween is right?” Roman asked.

“Of course; I’m not a dumbass,” Dean replied (while looking around to make sure their mother wasn’t nearby; she didn’t really mind if he swore at home but it was always good for a lecture on how it needed to STAY at home). “I’ve just never done it before.”

Roman’s eyebrow raised, then lowered.

“Yeah---until I lived here, I don’t think I ever had either. But you may as well get used to it. Mom and Dad are crazy into holidays, and there are a bunch of them coming up. Plus your birthday.” Dean swore again; he wished Roman hadn’t brought that up.

“Are they gonna make a big deal over my birthday?” He asked.

“Probably. They make a big deal over mine. And they made a HUGE deal over Mom’s last one, but I think that’s because she turned 40.”

“Wait, Mom is 40? Says who?” Dean was incredulous.

“I mean it never occurred to me to ask her to prove it, Dean, but I’m pretty sure she’s got a birth certificate or something somewhere. And who would lie about THAT?”

Dean couldn’t believe it. Their mother was OLD. Who knew?

The subject of Halloween came up again a few days later, and that’s when he and Roman decided to be zombies. Dean was beginning to get excited. He’d never dressed in costume in his life. On Halloween night, Lily worked on their makeup. Roman went first, and Dean was shocked at how real it looked.

“Where did you learn to do THAT?” He asked.

“I did theater in college. I worked at the same community center that you two hang out at now when I was there, and I did drama a lot. In fact, that’s how I met Daddy. Now hold still, Dean, or this isn’t going to come out right.”

“I’m a zombie; how right is it supposed to be?” Dean protested but he sat still for the remainder of the application anyway.

It had been so much fun. Unfortunately, two mornings later, Dean had been working in his science lab, trying (and failing) to make the chemicals he was mixing coagulate, when a sharp pain radiated through his right ear. At first he ignored it but by the time the bus dropped him and Roman off at the community center, the dull throbbing was driving him insane. He opted to sit and watch the basketball game instead.

Once home, it just got worse. He asked his mother for some Tylenol (Tony was in Washington and was of no help to Dean), but didn’t feel like subjecting himself to her fussing at the moment, so he said he had a headache. She gave him a funny look but got him the Tylenol anyway. They didn’t help.

That night, Dean’s ear throbbed like a hammer clanking away at an anvil. Every so often he whimpered out, knowing damn well Lily would come if he called her, but not wanting to ask. Hoping she would somehow hear his mewls of misery. It didn’t work. He’d known it wouldn’t. With a sigh, he laid back on his pillow. Then he got up, grabbed his pillow and blanket, and crept into Roman’s room.

“Rome?” No answer, just soft snores and the jangle of Honey Badger’s tags as she looked at him. Dean shook Roman’s shoulder.

“Rome? Are you asleep?”

“Yep,” came a tired, grumpy reply.

“Oh good, you’re up. Roman, my ear hurts. I think something’s wrong with it. Actually I think I’m probably dying.”

“So go tell Mom,” Roman grunted, rolled over, and started to fall asleep again.

“No, I can’t, because Mom is asleep and I shouldn’t really wake her up should I? And anyway, why do the dogs only sleep with you?”

Roman was awake now.

“You mean to tell me that you can’t wake Mom up, but shaking me awake in the middle of the night is completely acceptable?”

“Uh huh,” Dean mumbled. 

“Nice. And by the way, the dogs sleep with me because YOU sleep like you’re wrestling a great white shark.

Dean pretended to pout. Then, because Roman was not giving in, he decided whining was in order.

“But Roommmmeee...it hurrrrtttttttssssssssss. Can I sleep with you?”

“Can you remember that I am NOT a shark?”

“Yup!”

Roman lifted the covers and Dean happily hopped into his bed next to him.

“Now get comfy and go to sleep,” Roman commanded. Dean rooted around, looking for a cozy spot. It took him awhile to get it just right.

“Shark, Dean. Shark,” Roman had warned, but Dean had found the sweet spot by then. He couldn’t go to sleep though.

“Roman?”

“Mmmmm?”

“You wouldn’t be a shark anyway. You’d be a T-Rex. I’m pretty sure that’s what you’d be. A big, scary T-Rex who nobody messed with, so you’d keep the rest of us safe---”

“I’m pretty sure the T-Rex ATE the other dinosaurs, Dean. Now hush.”

“No, I know. But you wouldn’t be like the other T-Rexes. You’d be the one who protected me. Just like now.”

“You’re gonna need protecting FROM me if you don’t go to sleep.” Roman was bluffing. Dean knew that. But he fell silent anyway, and eventually he went to sleep.

Lily found them in Roman’s bed the next morning, Dean spooning his brother. 

“He’s got an earache,” Roman shrugged when she questioned. Lily swooped in and felt Dean’s forehead. 

“Fever. No school for you. What hurts, baby?” 

“He already told you. My ear,” Dean whined miserably. 

“All right. Go change. You’re going to have to spend the morning in my office. I’ll see if I can get you in with Dr. Enderle.”

After dropping Roman off, they went on to Lily’s office. This was perfectly okay with Dean. It was big and had an enormous beanbag bed in the corner on the floor. Dean collapsed into it and waited to die. Instead, a couple of hours later, Lily came in and took him to the doctor, where he was diagnosed with a double ear infection (weird, since only one of them had hurt), given a steroid shot in the butt, and sent home with a prescription for antibiotics. They stopped at Walgreens. Lily let him pick out all the Gatorade he wanted. 

“I don’t know what we’re going to do with you tomorrow,” Lily said while they waited. “I have two surgeries. I suppose I’ll have to bring you to my office again.”

“Or you could just leave me home alone!” Dean suggested. Lily looked him over.

“No, Dean. No, I can not just leave you home alone.” Dean pouted but didn’t argue.

They went to New York for Thanksgiving that year, and it was then that the dreaded subject of his birthday came up again. Tony’s father, who insisted they call him Papa Angelo, had sat Dean down. 

“Now, I understand you’ve got a birthday pretty soon.” He’d stated.

Dean had ducked his head and blushed a little.

“Oh. I...yeah. I guess.” He had stammered. 

“Well, Nonna and I are sad that we can’t spend it with you, but here’s a little something from us to you. Make sure to think of us when you spend it.” And he’d pressed a crisp $100 bill into Dean’s hand.

Dean was stunned. No one had ever given him money before. Not for anything, but certainly not for the simple act of being born. He turned the bill over and over in his hands, staring at it, until Tony had gently elbowed him and muttered, “manners.”

Dean had snapped himself out of it. He hugged Papa Angelo and thanked him profusely, then scampered off to thank Nonna and to show Roman. But he heard them speak as he slipped away.

“Dean is a good boy, yes?” Papa had asked.

“Dean is an amazing boy,” Lily had responded. Dean’s heart swelled.

For his 12th birthday, they have him his very own dirt bike.

They’d sent him on a scavenger hunt throughout the house, finding a gift and a clue in each spot. Knee pads. Elbow pads. An empty gas can. And then he’d ventured into the garage---and there she was.

Black and chrome, with a big blue bow tied around it.

Dean fell to his knees and wept.

After scaring his parents, who picked him up and hugged him and kissed him and hugged him some more, he managed to blubber out that no one had ever given him a birthday gift before, nevermind such a gorgeous, incredible one. 

“Well, you can thank us by not mortally wounding yourself, huh?” Lily said. She looked nervous. Dean grinned.

“I’ll try, but if this thing does wheelies it’s in God’s hands.”

 

__________________________________________

 

Roman loved having a younger brother. Okay, he was only about 6 months younger. But due to Roman’s May birthday and Dean’s December birthday, they were a year apart in school, and that counted for something too right? 

Of course, Dean could be pesky and annoying. Incessantly annoying. But Roman soon learned he could give it as well as he could get it. They’d banter back and forth, and occasionally get into a tussle that would prompt Lily to say something to calm them down, or send them outside where they could do no real damage to the house. They didn’t mind though. They loved to be outdoors. 

As Roman’s 7th grade year came to a close, he also turned 13. To celebrate, his parents allowed him to invite three friends, and Dean of course, to go spend the long Memorial Day weekend at the coast. The ocean water was really too cold for swimming but they’d done it anyway because they were young and dumb. But when they’d returned, Tony had built a bonfire right on the beach and they huddled around its warmth and made s’mores and talked and Roman had wished his birthday could come all the time. 

When 8th grade began, so did football. Eighth grade football was really important, because it was the final year at the middle school, and the highschool coaches would start coming around to get an idea of who might be trying out as freshmen. Between football and school and worrying about how Dean was doing in school (nevermind his parents’ constant reminders that Dean wasn’t his responsibility), Roman was stressed. So one Wednesday night when Dean came into his room and flopped onto his bed while he studied, Roman wasn’t at all happy to hear what he said next.

“I think Mama is pregnant,” Dean proclaimed with a sigh.

Roman laughed a little.

“Mom can’t get pregnant. Besides, why would she want a newborn when she’s got you to take after?”

“She has you too!” Dean cried indignantly. “Besides, I don’t know why she’d WANT a baby but I heard her talking to Dad and I think she’s having one. Maybe now that you’re 13 and I’m almost 13 she decided she wants a younger kid. Maybe we’ll both have to leave. Maybe---”

“Dean, just shut up a minute,” Roman interrupted. His history book forgotten, he turned in his chair to face his brother. “Now tell me exactly what you heard.”

“Okay. They were talking real quietly, like they do when they don’t want us to hear them. And I heard Dad say they had to be careful how they told us, ‘cause he wasn’t sure how we’d react. Then I just heard mumbling, but THEN I heard Mom say it was going to be hard for us to adjust to ‘him’. And then she said she hoped they could give ‘him’ what he needs. And THEN she said ‘he’s going to need so much at first; how are we going to provide it?’ Isn’t it obvious, Rome? We’re getting a new baby brother.”

Roman was beginning to feel alarmed. Dean definitely had a flare for the dramatic, but all of this DID sound like a new baby might be on the way. A new baby was the last thing they needed. Roman didn’t know much about babies, but he knew they cried and pooped and were just generally miserable little people. He tried not to panic, noticing the expectant look on Dean’s face. Dean wanted him to tell him everything would be okay.

“Look. I don’t know about this baby thing, but here’s what I DO know. Even IF Mom has a baby---and that’s a HUGE if---they won’t send us away. They love us. We’re theirs. And if they were going to send you away they’d have done it months ago, because you’re a huge pain in the ass.” 

Dean feigned insult but grinned.

“Yeah...I guess you’re right. But I’m not changing any diapers. Can I sleep with you tonight?”

“Remember about the sharks?”  
“Yes. Yes I do remember. Roman is not a shark.”

“Okay, then.” 

The boys laid back on Roman’s bed. Dean seemed placated for now, but Roman wished he felt one tenth as confident as he’d sounded. They wouldn’t get rid of him. That much he knew. But a baby...a BABY? It was hard not to panic. Then he heard Dean’s voice beside him.

“Roman?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve never ever held a baby,” Dean confessed.

“Me neither. Maybe we won’t have to.”

“Maybe. Rome?”

“What, Dean?” 

“Do you think...do you...they won’t love the new baby MORE than us, right? Because it’ll be theirs…”

“Dean, I just told you, we ARE theirs. They love us. They’ve always loved us and they always will. No baby in the world will change that.” He didn’t tell Dean that he’d been wondering the exact same thing himself.


	10. Baby Blues

Lily always checked on her boys before she went to bed, and she was startled to find Dean in Roman’s bed spooning him. She smiled softly down at them and her heart began to swell. This was perfect. They were perfect. They were probably about to get their world rocked a little, but she knew they could handle it. As she gently disengaged Dean’s arms from Roman’s waist and rolled him to his other side, she heard Roman mutter something. After tucking the blanket around Dean’s sleeping form she went around to Roman’s side of the bed. 

She knelt down beside him and smoothed his hair back. He hadn’t tied it up like he normally did. It’d be hell to deal with in the morning but probably not worth waking him up to do it now. Then she realized his eyes were half open. 

“Hey,” she whispered. Confusion flashed in Roman’s eyes before registering who was there talking to him.

“Hi,” he mumbled. Lily smoothed back his hair again. Neither boy seemed feverish and it wasn’t odd finding her youngest son in her oldest son’s bed. But it usually wasn’t without a reason, either. Although Dean trusted her and Tony, he was still far more likely to go to Roman first.

“Dean have a bad dream?” She murmured.

“Naw,” Roman was clearly struggling to stay awake. 

“Okay. Do you want me to move him back to his bed?” Roman shook his head slightly, and his breathing grew heavy again. Lily stayed beside him for a few moments more, gently rubbing his back. As she stood, her son mumbled,

“Mama?” Then something that sounded strangely like, “I don’t want a baby brother.”

Lily knelt back down to hear if she’d heard him correctly, but he was already sound asleep again. So she leaned over and just whispered softly into his ear,

“I love you so much, Ro. I don’t want you to worry about anything. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Then she tucked the blanket around him, reached over and patted Dean’s back again, and stood up and left the room.

 

___________________________________

 

The next morning, Dean was grumpy. Roman looked tired. Dean hoped he hadn’t gone shark wrestling in his sleep. At breakfast, he stared his mother up and down. She didn’t LOOK pregnant. Her belly looked as flat as it always had, and she was wearing a tailored suit, hardly a potato sack. She offered him a plate of bacon and eggs, but he wasn’t too hungry, so when she wasn’t looking, he fed part of it to Gator. 

Gator was never far from Dean, just as Honey Badger never strayed far from Roman. Dean always thought it was odd to have dogs named Honey Badger and Gator and cats named Froggy and Monkey, but he didn’t ask questions. Maybe what his parents really wanted was a zoo.

On the way to school, Dean stared out the window and tried not to snap Roman’s head off.

It was nearly impossible to concentrate. Even in chemistry, which was the only subject Dean actually liked, and that was only because every so often, the teacher blew things up. His school did have a shop class, but you had to be in 8th grade to take it and if one could believe it, Roman had absolutely no interest in cars. Or building, unless it was something they worked on with their dad. In the fall, all Roman cared about was football.

After school, he narrowly missed getting into a fight on the bus to the community center. His lunch had been nasty. He’d gotten griped at by his English teacher for falling asleep in class, like it was HIS fault he had no interest at all in Treasure Island. He was starving and growing more angry with his parents by the second. How dare they have a baby? He just wanted to go home and confront his mother. And then suddenly there she was. Dean looked at the clock. It was only 4:30. She was early. Roman wouldn’t even be out of practice yet. 

“Why are you here already?” He grumped at her.

“Well, hello to you too,” she replied fondly, ruffling his hair. She hugged him, and he allowed it for a few seconds before trying to wiggle away from her, in case there were people watching. Dean actually really liked it when his parents hugged him, but only in the privacy of their own home. His mother never really cared; she and his dad were just huggers. They could barely keep their hands off of him, Roman, or each other. It was okay though. After 11 years of what he’d been through, he welcomed a touch that didn’t end in pain.

“I just meant you’re like really early,” Dean finally said. He tried to keep his crankiness at a minimum but he really wanted a redo for the day.

“Can’t I want some time alone with my baby?” Okay, so Dean also liked it when Lily called him her baby. He wondered how long that would last once he became...the middle child. 

“I’m not a baby,” he whined.

“I know. But you and Roman are always going to be my babies,” she answered.

“No matter what?”

“No matter what.”

“Even if…” he stopped. As much as he wanted, no, needed, to know the truth, he didn’t want to have this conversation now.

“Even if…?” Lily prompted.

“Nothing. Never mind.”

“Want a smoothie?” She asked him. He nodded. When did he ever not want a smoothie?

Lily took him to Jamba Juice and bought him a smoothie and a pretzel, and bought herself something that looked icky and green. Weren’t pregnant women supposed to crave weird stuff? He couldn’t help stare at it. She noticed and laughed.

“It has kale in it. Want a taste?” Dean shook his head.

“Not a chance,” he answered. Lily reached out and took his hand.

“So...you slept with Roman last night. Is everything okay?” There it was. The real reason for this mother/son time. He glared at her.

“So is THAT why you came to get me early today?” She looked at him calmly. 

“Dean, I already told you, I wanted to spend some time just us two. It was just a question. If you don’t want to talk about that, then you pick a topic.”

He didn’t want to talk about that.

“Is Dad getting Roman?” Dean asked instead.

“Yeah, he’s picking him up after practice is over.”

“Are we having anything good for dinner?” Are you replacing me? He screamed inside his head, but he managed to keep it in.

“Daddy’s grilling chicken and zucchini.”

Dean’s stomach growled. He hadn’t been hungry at breakfast, and since lunch had been so awful, he was still starving even though he’d just downed a smoothie and a pretzel. 

“That sounds good. I like that.” 

“Good, because that’s what’s on the table.” Lily smiled at him. “I love you, you know that, right?”

“Of course I know it. You tell me all the time. Mama?” A horrible thought had occurred to Dean, one way worse than a baby.

“Yes, sweetness?”

“Are you dying?” He waited to hear the answer. And was kind of pissed when his mother laughed.

“No, Dean. I am not dying. I mean sooner or later we all do, but I don’t intend to any time soon. Why?”

“No reason, I just...no reason.” Lily stood and motioned Dean to follow, then without any warning at all, engulfed him into a bear hug. He didn’t squirm away this time. The only people at Jamba Juice who might see were strange adults who wouldn’t care anyway.

“I’m getting the feeling that you’re worried I might leave you, Dean,” she whispered so that only he could hear her, then she placed her hands on his cheeks and pulled his face close to hers. “So I’m going to say this now, and I want you to take it very very seriously. I am not going anywhere. Daddy is not going anywhere. And you are not going anywhere. Okay? You have nothing to be afraid of, Dean, because I love you and I’m going to tell you what I told Roman once---you occupy a part of my heart that could never be filled by anyone else, ever. Do you understand me?”

Dean nodded, suddenly feeling warm and fuzzy. He returned her hug, resting his head on her shoulder and just enjoying being loved for a moment. Then he replied,

“I know. I know that. I love you too, Mama.”

Later on, at home over dinner, the bombshell was dropped. Lily and Tony had joined hands and looked at Dean and Roman.

“So...we have something to tell you boys,” Tony said. They both looked up, then looked at each other. Roman set down his silverware. Suddenly, Dean couldn’t remember a time when he’d been so scared. 

“What is it?” Roman looked scared shitless too, but he was a lot better at hiding it than Dean, who basically wasn’t interested in beating around the bush anymore.

Lily cleared her throat.

“Well, we’ve been talking a lot and something has happened, something that doesn’t exactly effect you guys directly except it kind of does, because...this family is going to get a little bigger very soon."

Dean leaped to his feet, suddenly angry, and knocked over Roman’s milk.

“I KNEW IT!” He shouted. “I KNEW you were pregnant. How could you do this to us?”

Immediately, five things happened at once. Lily started to laugh. Tony choked on his iced tea. Lily got to her feet and grabbed a dish towel to start soaking up the milk, then whacked Tony on the back. He started coughing, Dean kept yelling, and the whole time, all Roman did was stare at his hands. Finally, Lily went around the table and pulled Dean into her arms.

“Shhh...shhh. Stop. Just stop. Okay?” Dean buried his face against her, trying to calm himself down. Tony cleared his throat. 

“Is that what’s been bugging you two all day? You think Mom is pregnant?” Dean didn’t look up, just nodded against Lily, who was rubbing his back. 

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that. I’m definitely not pregnant.”

Dean finally looked up. 

“But I heard you talking. I heard you talking about how we were going to have a new brother. And you said you hoped you could take care of him too, and...and...but you’re not having a baby?”

Tony finally stood and pulled Roman out of his chair.

“No,” he said with finality. “Mom and I are NOT having a baby. Furthermore, I think dinner is over and we need to go to the living room. It’s obvious that the four of us need to have a talk.” 

They sat around the living room together. Lily sat in the middle of the sofa with an arm round Roman and an arm around Dean, and Tony sat on the coffee table facing them.

“Okay, guys,” Tony spoke first. “Here’s what’s happening. First of all, no babies. At our age I’m not even sure we could handle a baby. It’s hard enough to keep up with you two big boys. So no. There will be no baby brother.” Tony took a deep breath.

“You are, however, going to have a new foster brother.”

Dean and Roman looked at each other, then back at Tony. 

“What? Why?” Dean was curious now.

“Who? How come?” Roman seemed floored too.

Lily tightened her arms around them.

“There’s a group home in the city that has recently been closed. And the entire staff is under investigation. That’s because a group of the older boys who lived there have been repeatedly assaulting the younger, smaller boys. And the people who ran the place were aware, but they did nothing to put a stop to it.”

Dean spoke up.

“By assaulting, do you---what does that mean? For him, I mean.”

Tony spoke again, and his voice was serious.

“It means he’s been raped, guys. Quite a few times. In fact, right now he’s in the hospital because---” Tony paused, and Lily jumped in.

“He’s in rough shape physically,” she murmured. “He’s been abused for so long, and his body has a lot of healing to do, but he’s also...he’s pretty terrified right now.”

“I know about that,” Dean whispered.

“Yeah. We know you do, sweetie,” Lily’s hand found Dean’s hair and began stroking it softly. “He’s gonna need a lot of time, and a lot of patience. And it won’t be easy and that’s why we worry that we might not be able to give him what he needs to recover, but we’re going to try.”

“How old is he?” Dean wanted to know.

“He’ll turn 13 a few days after Roman turns 14,” Tony answered.

“So he’ll still be the baby,” Dean whispered. 

“He’ll be the youngest. Not a baby, but yeah. You’ll get to see what being a big brother is like.”

“What if I can’t? What if I’m not a good big brother like Roman?”

“You’ll be great. I know you will.” 

“Hang on. If he’s so messed up, how are you going to take care of him when you both work?” Roman piped up. He had barely spoken the entire time, and he didn’t sound too happy. 

“Well, Mom’s going to take a leave of absence from work. I’ve got enough vacation time to cash in a couple of weeks now and still take you guys on all of the trips we promised you we’d take,” said Tony.

“And after that, I’m going part time,” Lily finished.

“So you’re going to basically quit your job for this kid?” Roman’s voice was quiet but it still sounded deadly.

“No, kiddo. I’m not quitting my job at all, and I’m not doing it for him. I’m doing it because I have two beautiful boys already who are in to football and Motocross and Lord knows what else, and I’m adding another to the mix, so I---” Roman interrupted her.

“Yeah, but you waited until you had three of us. So it’s not for Dean and I. It’s for him.”

“Roman,” there was a slight warning in Tony’s voice, but Roman didn’t stop.

“Dean and I aren’t enough for you, right? So you add another one and spend all your time with him...I’m not okay with this.”

Lily unwrapped Dean from her arm and attempted to hug Roman, but he jerked away. He stood up abruptly, knocking Lily into his brother. Tony leaped to his feet and pulled Roman into his arms, and although Roman struggled, Tony didn’t let go.

“Okay, buddy. Okay. I’m here. It’s time to stop. Come on.” Roman tried for another minute or so to fight him off, but then he went limp and allowed Tony to lead him from the room. 

Lily sighed. She looked at Dean.

“Well. That went slightly better than I anticipated.” She kissed Dean’s forehead. “Are you okay with this, sweetness?”

“Yeah. I’m okay. Roman will be too. I know he will. Mama?” 

“Yes?”

“What’s his name? Our brother?” Lily smiled at Dean.

“Seth,” she said softly. “His name is Seth.”

Dean considered this. Seth. Roman, Dean, and Seth. He decided he liked the sound of it.


	11. Congratulations, It's a BOY!

Tony was sitting up in bed, and Roman was laying with his head on Tony’s shoulder when Lily entered the bedroom. It had been awhile since either of them had spoken, but Tony knew they still needed to talk.

“Dean asleep?” He asked Lily.

“Yeah. I had to hug him, kiss him, cuddle him, read to him, and tuck him in properly, but he’s asleep. He’s really 12 right?” Tony laughed. 

“Yeah. It’s been quite an evening though. Right, buddy?” Roman merely nodded. Lily climbed onto the bed and sat cross-legged beside him. His eyes were red and puffy. Lily took his hands in hers.

“I need you to tell me why you’re so angry,” she spoke to their son softly, and Tony patted Roman’s back. Roman was miserable, Tony knew. Lily continued.

“This isn’t like you, Ro,” her voice remained soft, and her eyes were gentle. “I know you’re hurting. Please talk to me.” 

Tears formed in Roman’s eyes. His voice shook as he answered her.

“I’m sorry, Mom.” Tony felt his heart break, just a little. He hated seeing Roman like this.  
“You need to tell your mom some of the stuff you’ve told me, buddy,” Tony rubbed Roman’s back. He could feel the tension in his shoulders, and he could feel Roman start to shake.

“Roman,” Lily’s voice didn’t waver. “I know. I know you’re---I know you didn’t mean it, kiddo. I know.” Roman’s tears began to fall, but he didn’t say anything else, and Tony sighed.

“He’s scared, Lu.” Tony kept rubbing Roman’s back.

“Of?” Lily’s fingers ran through Roman’s hair.

“Well. For one thing, having another brother. Which I kind of get, because I’ve never been a big brother before and I’m not so sure I’d like it either.”

“Wait…” Roman spoke, but neither Lily nor Tony gave him room to continue.

“Well, I suppose you’d have been an okay big brother,” Lily said slowly. “I’ve never been a big brother either.” 

“You’re a girl anyway, so I’m not sure how that’d work,” Tony was relieved when he felt Roman’s shoulders relax slightly. Lily giggled.

“That’s true.” 

“I never said I didn’t like having a brother,” Roman finally said. “I love Dean.”

“I know. Dean loves you. So if it’s not the big brother thing…”

“It just...it’s just everything, Mom,” Roman’s dam finally burst. “I know it’s dumb but I just...I don’t want things to change. And everything is. I have to be the best at football. I have to keep my grades good so I can play. I have to keep up with Dean.” 

At this, both Lily and Tony spoke at the same time.

“Ro, you don’t have to---” Lily began.

“Dean isn’t your---” Tony started.

“Mom. Dad. Have you MET Dean? He’s...he needs all of us to be responsible for him.”

Tony burst out laughing.

“Touche, buddy. Touche.”

“Okay. So you’re feeling overwhelmed, huh?” Lily continued to stroke Roman’s hair. Roman nodded, then continued.

“Yeah, but also...also, I just...I don’t want to go anywhere else.”

“Who says you’re going---oh, God, Roman.” Lily’s arms tightened around the child. “You actually...okay, you remember how when you first got here, we told you that you could leave at any time?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, that was complete and utter bullshit. You’re not going anywhere. Even if you BEGGED and PLEADED us to send you someplace else, they’d have to pry you out of my cold, dead arms and even then, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t let you go. Do you really think that Seth is going to change that?” 

“I...no. No, but that’s the problem,” Roman whispered. “I KNOW I’m being dumb and I know you’d never send me away but then why am I so...why is it so hard?”

“Because you’ve spent two thirds of your life being let down by the same people who were supposed to take care of you,” Tony said softly. 

“But it’s different now. YOU guys are just...you’re my parents; I know that; I just don’t get…” He trailed off.

“Ro, it’s okay to be afraid, you know? Because yeah, change sometimes sucks but sometimes it can be amazing. When we brought you home? HUGE ENORMOUS change, but you’re well worth it. And then we brought Dean home and you want to talk about change.”

“We went from having one calm, easygoing kid to having that incredible kid plus one who never sits still. Ever. And I’d be lying if I said there hadn’t been times when I haven’t wanted to velcro him to his chair,” Tony joined in. “But we don’t regret it. Not for a single second. It was a great change, even though it wasn’t necessarily an easy one.”

“So now it’s going to change again,” Lily said. “And there’s no chance that this one’s going to be any easier than the last one, but you know? I think it’s going to be okay. Daddy and I wouldn’t do this if we didn’t know we could. And you and Dean are so different, in the most wonderful ways, and I’m so excited to see what Seth is going to bring to this family too. You are growing up so fast, my baby boy, and we love you so so so much, but you’ve gotta let us be the grown ups, Roman. Let us be the parents. You’re a wonderful brother to Dean, and you’ll be an amazing brother to Seth, but brother is your job. Not Mom and not Dad.” Roman sighed deeply and nodded.

“Yeah...yeah. I know.” He’d stopped crying and was laying on Lily’s shoulder now. Tony didn’t stop rubbing his back, but he could feel most of the tension leaving Roman’s body. 

“Buddy, you are an amazing, caring soul, and you’re right. You do have a lot of responsibility. So don’t shoulder more than you have to okay?”

“Okay,” Roman whispered. 

“Because here’s the thing, my love,” Lily chimed in. “Dad and I understand. We understand as much as we possibly can. And your feelings are not wrong. How you’re feeling about this is totally acceptable. But you let this go way too long, kiddo. You’ve got to talk to us when it starts and you’ve got to let us help you so we don’t get to this point, because now you’re miserable. You had a lot on your plate, you were feeling stressed already, and then we added another fork and bam. It all came crashing down. It doesn’t have to be that way, but you have to talk to us. Do you trust us?”

“I trust you. I trust you so much,” Roman’s voice was still a whisper, but Tony heard him loud and clear. 

“Good. Then trust us to make the right decisions for this family okay? And you just be a kid. That’s all you have to do, buddy. Just live your life. Open your heart, and do your thing. It’s going to be fine.” 

None of them spoke for quite awhile. Tony couldn’t see Roman’s face, but he was just about to figure he’d fallen asleep when he spoke again.

“So...Seth.”

“Yeah...Seth.” Lily answered. “He needs us, Ro. And I think you need him a little too, because you’ve got to see that we’re right. You are so irreplaceable. But that doesn’t mean we can’t let someone else in.” 

“Have you met him?”

“Yes. We have.”

“What’s he like?”

“Well...right now he’s such a mess that it’s really hard to tell what personality is under there. He hasn't really spoken much---we aren't sure yet if he can't or if he won't. And he's really small for 12. But he's also---like he's got bruises and stuff, but the main reason he's in the hospital right now is he was really dehydrated and undernourished when they brought him in to the ER. He just got off an IV...he's eating just enough to get by right now. And he acts...Ro, we just don't know yet. He seems so much younger than 12, but he's literally been living a hellacious existence since he was two years old. So we're not sure if what we've got right now is fixable or if he's always going to be behind. But there's no hurry. He's sweet though. He loves music---that helps calm him. He has virtually nothing, except a complete set of Harry Potter books, and I read him a few chapters earlier today. He let me get right beside him, and that’s the closest he’s allowed either of us to be.”

“He’s scared to death of me,” Tony added. “But his biological father is where this all started. Then he got passed around in foster care, and then wound up in the group home from hell. So we expected that.”

“Yeah. We did. And that’s okay. We’ll get there. He has no idea what love feels like, though. Or what it means to have a family, or to have people who aren’t going to hurt him, who just want to protect him. And that’s where you and Dean are going to be the best thing for him, because you’re just normal, amazing kids and he’ll see you and hopefully he’ll start to understand that it’s okay for him to be a normal, amazing kid too.”

“Mom...there’s really nothing normal about Dean,” said Roman.

“And that, my darling, is exactly why this is going to be okay,” said Lily with a snicker. “Because you get it. You’ve embraced Dean for exactly who he is. You’ve never expected Dean to be someone else, someone easier. We wouldn’t have our Dean any other way. It’ll be the same with Seth.” 

“It’s the same with you,” Tony added. 

“What’s going to happen to the people who hurt Seth?” Roman asked.

“We don’t know yet. We’re more concerned with the people who did nothing to stop it, honestly. The people who actually hurt him are really just kids themselves. Not that they should get away with it, but...I can’t fathom knowing that was happening and allowing it. That’s just despicable.” 

“So then...when do I meet him?” Lily smiled a massive smile.

“When would you like to?” 

“I don’t know...soon. I guess soon.” 

“Soon is good. Roman, we love you. You know that right?”

“Yeah. I know. I love you too. Both of you.”

“Good. Promise me something though okay?” Lily’s voice sounded serious.

“What’s that?”

“You’ve got to promise me that you’ll talk to me whenever you start to get upset. You were right when you said that Seth is going to take up a lot of our time, but you need us too and we have no intention of neglecting you. You just have to tell us. Okay?”

“Okay. Mom? I really am sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you earlier.” Roman hung his head a little.

“I know. It’s okay, Ro. Stuff happens. Don’t be sorry okay? Just...don’t do it again.”

“Okay. Okay. I won’t. I’ll do my best for Seth. I promise.”

“Good boy. Maybe we should go meet him tomorrow. Dad and I already kind of figured that we wanted you to meet him first. Because you know, Dean is just...kind of...antsy.”

“What if he’s afraid of me?”

“He’s going to be afraid of you, Ro. He’s afraid of everyone and everything unfamiliar right now. All you can do is just prepare yourself for that. Don’t push. Don’t back down either, but don’t force. You can do it. And I’ll be with you.”

“Okay. Tomorrow. I can do this, Mom. Dad. We can do this.”

“Love and trust are the two things this family is built on, buddy. I have no doubt in my mind that we can do this, as long as we remember those two things.” Roman looked up at Tony. And then he smiled.

 

__________________________________

 

The next morning, Tony took Dean to school and Lily and Roman set out for the hospital to visit with Seth. Dean had been unhappy and rather vocal about Roman getting to meet him first, and getting to skip school to do it, but Lily and Tony held firm. Roman felt it was kind of nice to see Dean not getting his way every so often, though he’d never say that out loud.

They pulled in to the parking garage and Lily led Roman upstairs to the pediatric ward. The nurses, he noticed, recognized his mother immediately. Roman wondered how long his parents had been working on this. He made a mental note to ask them later. They stepped up to the nurse’s station. 

“How’s he doing?” Lily asked the woman sitting at the desk. She looked up and smiled.

“He seems a little more responsive today. He ate a little breakfast. Then we told him you were on your way with a new friend, and he’s been in hiding ever since. That’s kind of a good thing though. Any response is probably better than no response.”

“In hiding?” Roman questioned. Lily smiled.

“Yeah, he kind of---well. You’ll see. Come on. Let’s go meet Seth. Just remember. Don’t push, but don’t back down.”

They walked into the hospital room. It was small, and it had a bed in the middle. At first, Roman looked around, wondering where Seth was ‘in hiding’ and then he realized that the blue blanket covering the bed had a small lump under it. Small as in tiny. Tiny as in no 12 year old could possibly be in there. And then his mother gently pulled the blanket back.

The first thing Roman saw was a full head of riotously curly dark brown hair. It was simply crazy; it flew out in all different directions all over his head. Then he realized that Seth had curled himself into a tiny little ball. But he regarded Roman with huge brown eyes like a deer’s. He didn’t say a word, just stared at him, shivering. Roman’s chest constricted as he noted the bruises circling Seth’s wrists. They looked like he’d been shackled. Or held down. He also had several bruises in varying stages of healing all over his face. It looked painful, and Roman wondered sadly how much pain poor Seth was in.

“Hiya, bub,” Lily murmured softly to the boy trembling in front of her. Seth attempted to dive back under the blanket, clearly more comfortable where he couldn’t be seen. Lily gently pulled the blanket back off of Seth again. 

“Noooo,” Seth began to wail, but Lily murmured,

“Shhh. Ten minutes, bub. Give me 10 minutes and then you can go back under there. I want you to meet Roman. This is my son, Seth. My oldest. Can you say hello?”

Roman couldn’t actually believe what he was witnessing; this kid must have really been through it for him to be so frightened, and his parents had said it was like this all the time for him. He felt his heart soften. 

“Hey, Seth,” Roman spoke softly, determined to follow his mother’s instructions to take it slow but not back off. “How you doin’?”

Seth just shook his head, his hair flying wildly around. 

“It’s okay. I know how you feel. They were all new to me once, too. Mom says...that you like it when she reads to you?”

Seth still didn’t speak, but he pulled a book out from under the blanket. Roman could just see the cover; Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

“Is this your favorite?” Roman asked. A small nod encouraged him to keep going. 

“I’ve never read those,” Roman continued. “Maybe someday you can show me. When you’re feeling up to it. I did bring you something though.” Roman unzipped his backpack and pulled out his worn copy of The Hobbit. 

“This one’s my favorite. It was the first one Mom and I read together. When I first came home, I liked it when she read to me, too. I mean, I still do. But then, it made me feel safe. I guess now it still makes me feel safe. So anyway, I thought maybe...you know, if you want, I thought maybe I’d read it to you. Like it doesn’t have to be right this minute. Just, you know. When you’re up for it.”

Seth’s eyes were still wide and frightened, but then, he slowly nodded.

“When you come home, I’ll show you. We have tons of books. Hundreds. Maybe even a thousand. Dean isn’t much of a reader. He likes to be read to, but he’s not crazy about reading by himself. Dean’s kind of...energetic in general though. You’ll meet him soon, I bet. He’s a good guy. Kind of a butt. Mom says that’s his lot in life as my younger brother.”

Seth continued to regard Roman, but the fear on his face was slowly ebbing. He still said not a single word, but Roman could tell he was eating this up. So he kept talking. And Seth kept listening, long after the agreed upon 10 minutes had ended. He told Seth about football and school, the community center, the house, the pets...just anything he could think of. And 45 minutes later, when Seth finally realized he’d heard enough and felt like hiding again, he took off under his blanket. But then something happened that caused Lily to inhale sharply. 

Seth slipped his hand out from under the blanket. Roman gently took it. Seth did not pull away.

“You’re so amazing, Ro,” Lily whispered into his ear, kissing his cheek as she went. Then she went around to the other side of Seth’s bed. “Maybe we CAN push just a little,” she said to Roman with a quick wink.

Lily reached out and rubbed Seth’s back softly through the blanket. At first Seth tensed and let out a soft mewl, but Lily just kept rubbing him and talking softly.

“You’re being such a good boy, bub. I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of Roman too. See what a good big brother he’s gonna be to you? Oh, Seth. You’re such a good boy, bub.” 

And Seth relaxed. The keening sound under the blanket stopped. So Roman took that opportunity to talk to his little brother some more. 

“See? She doesn’t want to hurt you, Seth. She wants to keep you safe. She’s kept us all safe. It’s okay. You don’t have to be afraid anymore.”

Eventually the lump under the blanket began breathing slowly and evenly. Lily peeked under it and Seth was fast asleep. She practically scaled the bed to tackle Roman into the biggest bear hug of his life.

“Jesus God, Roman Reigns, I am SO SO SO proud of you. Oh, Ro. That went better than I could have ever asked you for. You are such an amazing kid, Roman. I’m so blessed to be your Mom.” At that moment, Tony walked into the room.

“Where’s bub? Hiding?” 

“Yeah. But Tony. Tony, you wouldn’t believe what this amazing child of ours---he’s been talking to his brother all morning. Seth even let him hold his hand. Seth OFFERED him his hand. I was just telling him how proud we are to be his parents.”

“Oh, wow. That’s amazing, Roman.” Tony’s grin was contagious as he hugged Roman tight. 

“Hey---guys...I’m...I’m not gonna get upset again or anything, but...how long have you known about this?” Roman finally asked.

“Well...let’s see, today’s Thursday...they pulled all the kids out of the group home on Saturday. Cassie called us Sunday afternoon. She told us Seth was here and was going to need what’s called a therapeutic foster home. That means parents who can commit to helping him heal psychologically as well as physically.” Lily looked thoughtful, and Tony took over the explanation.

“Cassie told us upfront that he was terrified, especially of men, so we met him together on Monday but I’ve been holding back. Letting Mom do most of the dirty work, because right now I just want to let him see that I mean him no harm. He’s got a long way to go, buddy. But it sounds like today’s been some real progress.”

“It wasn’t that we wanted to keep any of this from you and Dean, kiddo,” Lily finished. “But we knew we needed to meet Seth and decide whether or not we could truly do this before we dragged you into it, because the last thing I wanted was for anyone to form a bond, only to have it broken because...because we couldn’t help him.” She ran her hand slowly over Seth’s back again.

“But if anything, today you’ve proven to us that we made the right choice. Because make no mistake, Seth is not your responsibility. But he’s also clearly comfortable with you, and he needs that. He needs you to teach him that Daddy and I aren’t here to hurt him, that he’s lovable and valuable, and that it’s okay to let people get close to  
him.”

“I think...I think I need him too,” Roman said quietly.

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?” Tony wanted to know. 

“I think I need him to help me feel better about everything else. Just...to remind ME that it’s safe to trust as well.”  
“You have always been an old soul, Ro,” Lily murmured. “But I’m really thinking you’ve shown maturity beyond your years today. I’m just so proud.”

Roman knew he was beaming. His parents’ praise was hardly unusual, but it felt especially important right now. He decided right there that he was going to do whatever he could to help get Seth home safe and sound, and help him adjust to his life with his new family.

 

__________________________________

 

Lily, Tony and Roman left Seth around noon. He was still sleeping, and they really wanted to take Roman out to lunch before dropping him off at school in time to take his history test and go to football practice. They made plans for him to come back to the hospital that evening, work on the work he’d missed that morning, and just hang out with Seth. Tony was going to take Dean to the batting cages and out to their favorite sports grill. They all agreed that the next day, Dean would be pulled out of school to come meet Seth. Then they’d all take turns visiting him over the weekend. Lily really hoped that they’d be able to take him home by Sunday, even though she knew mid week was probably more realistic. The fact that Seth had allowed her to touch him, even though he’d been hidden at the time, really resonated with her, and she was fairly certain that it wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t been so comfortable with Roman. 

Also, she was touched that Roman had brought his own favorite book to offer to read with Seth. They had a common ground. What Seth and Dean would have in common was anyone’s guess, but Lily figured they’d find something. 

It was as she and Tony were riding back to the hospital that the idea hit her. 

“Hey, let’s run home quick,” she said. “I want to get the videos of Dean riding his bike to show Seth. I think it might help if he sees a little bit of Dean before he actually meets him.”

When they returned to the hospital, Seth was still burrowed into his hiding place. Lily couldn’t tell if he was sleeping still or not, but she opted to just leave him alone for now. She figured if he wanted out he’d come out, and since he’d done so amazing when he’d met Roman, she was done pushing for the day. A nurse stopped in to inform the Girardi’s that Seth hadn’t wanted any lunch though. She told them he’d seemed a little depressed, more than anxious or frightened. Lily wondered briefly if that had been because he’d woken up alone. 

An hour or so after they got there, a soft squeal came from under the blanket that was hiding Seth from view. Lily and Tony looked at each other. Then Lily smoothed the blanket over Seth’s back. He let out another small cry. She gently pulled the blanket down to his shoulders, but he desperately began to struggle to get back under his safe spot. 

“Come on, bub,” she murmured. “Ten more minutes, okay? Please? Give me 10 more minutes. Let’s read your book. Want to?”

Seth stopped fighting and considered her, gazing up at her with those huge doe eyes. Then he hesitantly took his Harry Potter book and slid it across the bed so that she could reach it. 

“Can I read to Tony too?” She asked Seth softly. Tony stood up to approach the bed, and although Seth didn’t answer, he also didn’t panic. They took that as a yes. As she read to Seth, she found her hand snaking closer to his hair. She didn’t make eye contact, nor did she stop reading, but she began to run her fingers through his curls, which were insanely soft. Seth seemed to tolerate it, so she didn’t stop. Eventually though, he began to squirm. He’d begin to crawl back under his blanket, but then he’d stop and close his eyes as Lily continued to stroke his hair. He looked conflicted; did he want the safety of being unseen, or the comfort of her touch? Tears formed in his eyes and he started to shake. Lily took this as an opportunity.

“It’s okay, bub. I know this probably feels funny, huh? You can go back under if you need to. You’ve been such a good boy, bub. Can you talk to me? Tell me what you need.”

He shook his head wildly and trembled harder. Lily was honestly not sure what it was that Seth wanted. He was clearly growing terrified, but when she took her hand off his head, the sobs began to escape. Lily looked at Tony over the trembling child. Then she looked at Seth. And then she knew exactly what she needed to do. It was a huge leap of faith, but she had to try. She wrapped Seth up in his blanket---and then scooped him up into her lap.

Seth froze for about three seconds, then shrieked for about 30 seconds, and then Lily started stroking his hair again. 

“No...no...nooooo,” a wail began to rise up from the child, but it stopped as suddenly as it started. She could feel him shaking, could feel his heart pounding even engulfed in the safety of his cocoon. 

“You’re okay, Seth. It’s okay. I’ve got you,” Lily crooned, rocking him on her lap. And Seth responded. His small body stopped shivering. Lily could feel the tension begin to ease out of him. And when he rested his head on her shoulder, she knew she had him. This was the step they had needed to take in order to begin to establish a bond; this was what had to happen for Seth to begin to understand that as long as she lived, she was never going to allow anyone to hurt him ever again.


	12. Rhythm of the Rain

After Seth was released from the hospital and brought home, the stress level in the house grew to nearly a fever pitch. The first two nights, all he did was scream in fear, despite Lily staying with him and offering as much comfort as she could. Unfortunately, nobody got much sleep. After that he was so exhausted that he slept all day, which completely got his days and nights mixed up. So then, even once he’d begun to feel safer, he still couldn’t sleep at night, and Lily was unwilling to just leave him to his own devices, so she’d stay up with him. It might have worked for her to stay up all night and then sleep when Seth slept during the day, except she still had Dean and Roman to take care of as well.

If she tried to keep him awake during the day, he cried and cried as though he’d been beaten, and hid under the comforter on his bed. He barely spoke and eating was hit or miss. They still weren’t sure how much Seth could actually speak, but it didn’t take long for them to determine that he understood. Unfortunately, he didn’t always interpret correctly, and anything that Seth felt was a threat sent him into a frenzy of tears, uncontrollable shivering, and often he disappeared into the closest place he could find to hide. One evening, Dean dropped a heavy serving bowl on his foot while he was helping dry the dishes. The bowl shattered, leaving Dean bleeding and shrieking in pain. Tony had hoisted him up as though he weighed nothing and carried him to the bathroom, and his parents spent the next hour tending to Dean. During that time, Roman realized he had no idea where Seth had gone. He was just about to panic, until he realized that half the dogs were missing too. He went outside and immediately noticed that Stella and Wyatt’s tails were sticking out from under the porch. And that’s where he found Seth, curled up in a tight ball, sound asleep. Lily found them shortly after Roman pulled him out, and he’d panicked again. She sat down on the porch steps, and Seth immediately crawled up on her, wrapped his arms and legs around her, and hid his face in her neck. Lily, Roman, and Seth sat out there like that for quite some time, Lily murmuring soothing words and Roman patting Seth’s back. Eventually Seth calmed down and they’d gone back into the house.

Roman was a Godsend during that time. One Friday night, knowing he could sleep in the next day, Roman stayed up until 4 am just reading to Seth so that Lily could get a few hours of sleep. Another afternoon, he’d spent three hours laying on the floor of Seth’s closet, trying to coax his terrified brother out from under a shelf after something had upset him. It became very clear very quickly that Seth was very comfortable with Roman, allowing him to sit beside him until they touched without becoming upset. And it didn’t take long for Roman to become quite skilled at making Seth smile. 

 

____________________________

 

For as easy as it was for Roman and Lily to bond with Seth, it was twice as difficult for Tony and Dean. Seth just simply had no use for men yet. And Dean had a tendency to be too excitable. He didn’t mean to be, but that was just who he was. The day he and Seth met, Dean had inadvertently knocked Seth right out of his hospital bed, and it basically went downhill from there. 

Within a month, though, things got easier. Seth spent a lot of time watching curiously as Tony, Dean, and Roman wrestled, or raced bikes, or played football, or shot hoops. He always declined their invitation to join them, but each night he seemed to get a little closer, until one evening he was standing right at the edge of the driveway. Dean had dribbled the ball, then flung it at the smaller boy, hollering “hey, Seth, CATCH!”

He regretted it immediately, envisioning the ball breaking Seth’s face and his mother’s wrath when Seth, lightning quick, reached up and caught the ball millimeters from his nose. 

They all stood there stunned for a moment, no one apparently more shocked than Seth that he’d actually caught the ball. Then Tony grinned.

“Good catch, Seth. Ever shot?” Seth shook his head, and he allowed Tony to talk him through the technique needed to shoot the basketball. His first shot ever sailed right through the hoop, and the celebration afterwards was loud enough to bring Lily out from her office. 

“Watch Seth, Mom!” Dean had shouted gleefully, and he passed the ball to Seth, who sank another shot effortlessly. Dean knew his mom was pretending to be impressed but what was very real was the relief and happiness in her eyes. 

Then Dean and Seth discovered they had another common ground---a pathological fear of storms. 

Dean had never liked thunder. Bad things always seemed to happen to him when it was thundering and raining outside, almost like the shift in humidity or air pressure or something caused a glitch in his mother’s boyfriends’ brains. He didn’t remember much about individual beatings, but all of the ones he DID remember included a thunderstorm. So the sound of thunder caused his stomach to constrict and his heart to pound. Sometimes, he could distract himself enough to prevent a full-blown panic meltdown. But the best thing was always to make it to Roman’s room before he lost all control of himself and did something dumb, like cry. 

So when he heard thunder rumbling in the distance one night, he tried to block it out by putting his blanket over his head and pressing his face into a pillow. As the storm got closer, though, the thunder got louder. When it hit so hard that the house vibrated, Dean leaped up from his bed, grabbed his blanket and pillow, and headed out the door. But as soon as he hit the hallway, he heard something else. Muffled cries were coming from Seth’s room. 

Ugh, now Dean had to make a choice. He could leave Seth there and let somebody else figure it out, but seeing as he knew EXACTLY how Seth felt, that didn’t seem fair OR right, even though it would have been easy. He could attempt to find his mother, but that meant more time wandering the halls with the loud rumbling boogeyman right outside the house. Or he could try to convince Seth to join him in Roman’s room. 

Option 3 seemed smartest, though he had no idea if he’d be able to convince Seth to do ANYTHING. So he went across the hall.

“Seth?” A sharp squeal pierced the air. 

“It’s okay, Seth,” Dean tried to remember what his parents had said about handling Seth in this state. Calm voice, slow movements. He could do this. 

“I know. I hate this too,” Dean whispered. “Come with me to Roman’s room, okay?”

“N-n-no…” Seth whimpered. “No, thanks.” 

“Look, I’m not going to hurt you, all right? Just come with me. It’s better in there. Honest.” Seth regarded Dean with giant brown eyes, wide with fear. Dean sighed and began to get up when the loudest crack of thunder yet hit outside and Seth leaped forward and hid his face against Dean’s shoulder. Dean couldn’t believe it; Seth hadn’t yet made any sort of physical contact with him. 

“Come on. Let’s just come on,” Dean whispered, his heart racing as thunder shook the house . Seth wrapped himself up in his blanket and took off down the hall after his brother. 

“Rome?” Dean raced in, Seth trailing after him.

“What?” Roman’s reply was groggy; that kid could sleep through anything.

“Rome, we’re scared! Can we sleep with you?” 

“We? What we---ohhhh. Both of you, huh?” Dean nodded. Seth pressed his face against the back of Dean’s shoulder. Roman sighed.

“Good grief. Get over here you two.” Pulling Seth along with him, Dean crawled into Roman’s bed. Thunder ROARED over their heads, and Seth burst into tears then, hiccupping and sobbing and trying desperately to crawl under Dean. Dean locked Seth's in his arm and rolled, pulling Seth with him, until Seth was snugly between him and Roman. Seth buried himself under Roman’s blanket and shivered and squeaked every time it thundered again. 

Roman got up and found his iPod, found a station that played soft piano music, and placed the noise-cancelling headphones firmly over Seth’s ears. Seth calmed almost immediately.

“Hey, why have you never done that for me?” Dean accused him.

“One, you have your own headphones. Two, you’ve never reacted quite like this. Three, I just now thought of it.” Roman muttered.

“Oh. Well, okay.” Dean sighed.

“Roman?”

“Yeah?” Roman had his hand resting softly on Seth’s back, feeling his youngest brother’s shudders begin to slow.

“Do you think Seth is...like...will he ever be...you know...normal?”

“Dude, Dean. Not something we should be talking about when he’s right here in the room,” Roman replied.

“He can’t hear us,” Dean argued. “But...like sometimes it seems like he’s really good, you know? But sometimes doesn’t he seem way younger than 12?”

“I guess, but it’s like Mom and Dad have said. He’s never had anyone to teach him and his whole entire life has been nothing but abuse. I’m surprised he can read and write. Mom says he’s barely gone to school. The group home he lived in was supposed to provide schooling but no one’s sure yet how much he actually got.”

“Yeah...yeah, I guess.” Thunder clapped again and Dean winced, then huddled down around Seth, who appeared not to have heard it, but Dean reckoned it wouldn’t hurt to get close to his brother anyway, just in case he needed him. He noticed the grin on Roman’s face but couldn’t interpret it. He kind of had a feeling he was being laughed at but he didn’t care. 

“And he reads REALLY well,” Roman went on. “He loves it when I read to him but he also loves to read to me and by himself. I mean I guess that’s really all he’s comfortable doing.”

“But there are so many MORE things,” Dean replied. 

“Well, maybe he’s just not ready for more things yet,” was all Roman had to say. “But you need to remember that no one forced you to do stuff when you first got here either. It’s only been...what, about a month?”

“Has it been a month already?” Dean wondered.

“It’s been 26 days,” said a voice from the doorway.

“Mom?”

“Hi, baby,” Lily came into Roman’s room. “Tell me Seth is under there somewhere.”

“He’s in here,” Roman confirmed. “I think he might be asleep.”

Lily peeled back the comforter. Seth was indeed fast asleep.

“Aww...look at that. You even put headphones on him? Oh, what good big brothers you are!” Lily cooed at them, kissing them each on the cheek. 

“It was Rome’s idea,” Dean muttered.

“Yeah, but Dean thought to bring him in here,” Roman countered.

“It doesn’t even matter who thought to do what. Look at him, sleeping in between you. He obviously trusts you both so much. I’m proud of you two. Seth is such a lucky boy.” Lily rubbed Dean’s back. “Do you want me to put him back in his bed?”

Just then another crack of thunder banged overhead. Dean ducked his head, covering the youngest boy slightly, but Seth didn’t stir. Lily looked like she would explode with pride.

“They can both sleep in here, Mom. It’s okay,” Roman didn’t really mind. Sometimes he liked it when Dean crawled into his bed; with Seth in there it would be a tighter fit, but he looked so peaceful that Roman REALLY didn’t want to disturb him. He knew sleep was still difficult for Seth. Even now (26 days later? Crazy.), although Seth no longer slept during the day, there were many nights Roman would wake up to the sound of his little brother screaming down the hall, followed by the soft whoosh of his mother’s bare feet on the carpet. At first Roman always got up to see if there was anything he could do to help, but his mom would always just wave him off.

“Just a bad dream,” she’d say. “He’s okay. Thank you, Ro.” And Roman would go back to bed.

Now, although Roman still often woke up when Seth was in peril, he typically stayed in bed. One night about two weeks after Seth joined the family, Tony was in Washington and Lily was nowhere to be found when Seth began screaming hysterically. Roman waited but after his mother didn’t come, he couldn’t ignore it anymore. He’d gotten out of bed and motioned to Honey Badger to follow him. 

When he and Honey had gotten to Seth’s room, Seth had been curled up in the fetal position. All of his blankets were tangled around him, and he was sobbing, “no. No, please!” 

“Seth?” Roman spoke softly. Sensing his presence, Seth panicked, but it soon became apparent to Roman that part of the problem was he was so tangled in sheets and the comforter, he couldn’t move. Roman looked around. He had no idea why their mother hadn’t heard the commotion and come running, but clearly she hadn’t so it was up to Roman now. Just then, Dean appeared in the doorway, roused from his sleep by the sound of Seth's sobs. His honey blond hair was sticking out in a hundred directions, and if he hadn't been so concerned for Seth, Roman would've laughed.

"Who tied up Seth in his bed?" Dean demanded to know.

"Nobody. I think he must've been struggling in his dream and gotten all tangled and now he's confused. I think he's still half asleep."

“Wake up, Seth,” Dean murmured. “Do you want to hug the dog? Huh? You want Honey to come lay by you? Sometimes when I'm scared I like it when Gator comes and lays with me." Seth’s eyes flew open, but he continued to cry and moan.

“Hey, that’s it,” Roman picked up where Dean left off, slowly untwisting his brother from his binds. “That’s good, Seth. It’s okay. You’re just stuck. Did you have a bad dream?” 

Seth hiccupped and nodded. The second his arms and legs were free, he curled up and hugged his knees. He peered at Roman and Dean, eyes red and swollen.

“Wanna tell me about it? I’ll listen if you need me to,” Roman had stretched out next to Seth, who was still curled up tight. Dean perched on the edge of Seth's bed. Seth violently shook his head, curls flying everywhere. There was a long pause and then...Seth had leaped into his brothers' arms, burrowing his face against Roman’s neck and reaching for Dean with his arm. Stunned, Roman slowly wrapped his arms around the younger boy, and Seth trembled for awhile. Dean crouched down so that he could look straight into Seth's eyes.

"Do you want me to go find Mama, Seth?" Roman couldn't believe the gentility in Dean's voice. Seth nodded. Then there was Lily’s voice in the doorway. 

“Seth? Are you okay, bub?” She came and sat on the edge of Seth’s bed. Seth immediately disengaged his arms from Roman’s neck and crawled into Lily’s lap, drawing one of her hands up to his hair as he did so. She rocked him gently.

“Did you have a bad dream?” Seth nodded. Then, clear as day, he whispered,

“Roman and Dean helped me.”

Lily smiled down into Seth’s now sleepy face, still stroking his curls, trying to tame them somehow. She pressed a soft kiss to Seth’s forehead.

“Roman and Dean love you. This is what having a family is about. Aren't they good big brothers, bub?” Seth simply nodded, eyes closed. Lily had indicated that Roman and Dean could go back to bed, but they wanted to stay, and awhile later, when Seth was calm and asleep, Lily had tucked the blankets around all three of them. That was the most Seth had ever spoken at once since arriving in the Girardi’s care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter was a little shorter; I'm at a conference with sketchy WIFI but I figured I'd go ahead and post it while I'm still awake. Mainly I just want to say thank you for all the comments and kudos I'm getting lately! I try to reply to every one of them. This is my first ever fic, and it's awesome to know that so many people are digging it as much as I'm loving writing it!


	13. Pukefest

By Thanksgiving, Seth was doing much better. He had started going to school just in the mornings, but he was adjusting to it so quickly that there were already plans for him to begin going full time after the winter break. Lily remained on leave so that she was immediately available in case Seth needed to be picked up, but he never once did. Tony was so proud of the boy. When he wasn’t in school, he was in therapy. Tony had never met child who went to as many different therapies as Seth, although the idea of therapy for a child who’d been abused was hardly a new one for them. It had been a hard thing, but he was adjusting beautifully. He even began letting Tony get closer. He still rarely had much if anything to say, but he began to join Tony, Roman and Dean in their activities. The thing Seth seemed to love the most was fishing. He had even allowed Tony to hold his wrist gently to show him how to cast his line into the water. It had seemed like such a small thing, but Tony felt like it was the Fourth of July going off inside his stomach.

Seth and Dean also found another common ground---wrestling. One Monday night the two older boys were watching RAW and Dean looked up and noticed Seth standing in the doorway with one of his blankets, just looking at them quietly. Roman patted the cushion between them on the couch. 

“Come watch with us,” he said. Seth crawled up onto the couch and wrapped himself up in his blanket and watched curiously. Soon enough, the show began getting rowdy, and that usually meant Dean did as well. 

“Spear me, Rome!” He’d begged. Roman looked at Tony for help. 

“Just move the coffee table and don’t tell your mother,” was his only advice. 

Roman sighed; Tony knew it wasn’t that he didn’t LIKE wrestling with Dean as much as he didn’t want to make Seth nervous. There had been many times when Tony and Roman and Dean had been roughhousing and Seth had completely misunderstood, and run to Lily in tears. Lily always brought him back and sat with him in the chair, holding him on her lap, so that he could see that they were having fun, not hurting each other. But Tony still figured that it must look pretty frightening to his youngest son.

This time, though, after Roman had carefully taken Dean out with a gentle spear, Seth giggled from his perch on the couch. This made Roman and Dean laugh too.

“You want to try it?” Dean asked him.

At first, Seth shook his head, but then Roman had offered a hand.

“It’s okay. I’ll show you how. Like this.”

Roman and Dean took turns showing Seth several wrestling holds, and then Seth attempted to spear Dean himself. He landed maybe a little too hard, but Roman was right there, and before Seth could even think about it, he was praising his little brother.

“That was really good! No, don’t worry, Dean’s okay. Right, Dean?”

Dean nodded and then started to laugh. It took Tony a minute to realize that Seth’s right foot was poking into Dean’s ribcage, and Dean had a tendency to be pretty ticklish. Roman noticed it too, so he gently took Seth’s hands and said,

“Let’s get him!”

Together, Roman and Seth tickled Dean mercilessly, giggling like little boys while Dean laughed and shrieked and begged them to take pity on him. They finally stopped and let Dean breathe, and then Dean sat up and hugged Seth. 

“Isn’t this fun?” Dean asked him, and Seth nodded.

That was when Tony happened to look up to see that Lily was standing in the entryway watching. He had no idea how much of the boys’ display that she had caught, but she had the happiest tears Tony had ever seen running down her cheeks. That night, Seth was nightmare free for the first time in the almost three months he had lived there.  
They flew to New York City the Saturday prior to Thanksgiving. Lily and Tony had opted for a hotel stay this time, hoping to ease Seth into meeting the family as slowly as possible, and a hotel seemed smartest so that they had a quiet place to take him when things got hard. They had two adjoining suites, the boys in one, the parents in the other. The hotel had a huge pool, hot tub, and sauna. Seth had been working on learning to swim (and doing quite well). So everyone was happy with the arrangement. Until it was time to actually get on the plane. Tony and Lily quickly surmised that Seth had never been near one before. Dean and Roman absolutely loved to fly, and Seth never complained prior to arriving at the airport. However, the second he stepped on board, he stopped in his tracks. He began gasping for air, shaking his head, and whispering “no.” Lily instructed Tony, Dean, and Roman to go ahead and board while she pulled Seth to the side and tried to calm him. Tony got Dean and Roman settled into their seats (praise the Lord for First Class), and stepped off to see if Lily needed help. Seth was straddling her lap, face hidden in her neck, still shaking his head and trembling. 

“We have to do this, Seth. It isn’t fair to Dean and Roman if we don’t go,” Lily was murmuring into his ear. “I’m gonna stay right with you. We fly all the time. It’s fine; it’s okay.”

“You two okay?” 

Lily sighed.

“Maybe I should take him home, and he and I can try like a Red Eye or something later…” she mused. 

“No...no, he’s got to do this. Flying is going to be part of his life, Lu. He’s going to have to get used to it,” Tony’s answer was firm.

Lily sighed again.

“Should’ve brought the Benadryl,” she muttered.

“All we have is Dramamine,” Tony replied. “Did you show him what we bought him though?”  
“Ooooh, that’s right; I can’t believe I forgot about that ,” Lily said. “Okay, Seth. Let’s get on board because we have a present for you.”

“No,” Seth whispered.

“It’s okay. Come on, bub. We can do this. Daddy and I are with you.”

“Wanna go sit by Roman and see your present?” Tony cajoled gently.

Seth allowed himself to be guided to his feet and to the door of the plane. Both flight attendants were looking at him sympathetically. 

“Is this the first time?” Her nametag read Celeste.

“This is his very first time,” Tony replied. “And he’s pretty worried.”

“Come on, Seth,” Lily guided him to their seats, then wrapped her arms around him as he began to shudder and cry again.

“It’s okay. I’ve got you. Let’s buckle your seatbelt and look what Daddy has.”

Tony pulled out a brand new iPad with a brand new set of noise cancelling headphones. Dean and Roman were already engrossed in theirs across the aisle. 

“See? Look. We have to have it on airplane mode right now, but you can still listen to music.” Tony placed the headphones over Seth’s ears and showed him how to find the music. Lily handed Seth a tissue, and he dried his eyes and then leaned back against the seat. Tony offered each of the boys some gum, and the plane took off and made it to New York without another issue. The return flight was much smoother.

 

________________________________

 

One thing the three boys were incredibly good at was getting sick at the same time, and they were particularly talented at doing so when Tony was away on business, leaving Lily to handle it on her own.

On a windy afternoon in mid-February, Lily picked the boys up from school, stopped at the gas station to fill up the tank, and sent the boys in with some money to get a drink and snack. Roman and Dean came out with giant Big Gulps and bags of beef jerky and chips. Seth came out with a small cup of clear soda. Lily raised her eyebrow. 

“You okay, bub?” She asked him.

“Yeah.” It had been about five months since Seth came home, and while he was talking more now, he still was a child of few words.

They’d all gotten back in, Dean in the front, Seth and Roman in the back. Lily glanced at Seth several times as she tried to maneuver the Highlander through the busy streets. He looked slightly pale. Roman was watching him too. Lily didn’t see Seth’s face contort in pain, or hear the slight gag he let out, but Roman did and he urgently said,

“Mom, pull over!” 

And then he crawled across the seat---just in time for Seth to vomit. 

Lily heard it before she saw it, then looked in the rearview to see her Roman trying to catch his little brother’s puke with his bare hands while Seth heaved over and over. She pulled off to the side of the road.

“Oh, bub. Oh, baby. Why didn’t you tell me you were sick? Roman, angel, don’t touch anything. Just get out.”

Seth looked horrible. Vomit ran down his chin and neck and shirt. Roman had managed to keep it off of the car, but he had it running down his arms and on his shirt. Lily pulled a blanket out of the trunk. 

“Take your shirts off. Wipe your hands. Seth, it’s okay, bub, it happens. You’re not in trouble. Don’t cry,” her youngest seemed so devastated, tears and sweat running down his face, nose dripping---he was a pitiful sight. She wanted to hug him but she knew she needed to get him home. Roman finished wiping it off with the blanket and Lily went to work trying to help Seth clean up. 

“Dean, hand me his soda,” she commanded. Dean wrinkled his nose but complied, certainly not willing to ignore the Mom Voice.

Once everyone was cleaned up and back in the car, Lily drove as fast as she could to the house. Seth managed to wait until he climbed down from the Highlander before he vomited again all over the driveway.

“Shhh, it’s okay. Roman, go take a shower. Scrub REALLY good. Dean, hose this off, please. Seth, let’s go. You need a bath.” Lily knew Seth was miserable when he didn’t have the energy to protest. She took his temperature; 102 on the nose. Great, she thought. He soaked in the tub for quite awhile before she brought him clean pajamas. He threw up again right after he changed, but this time he made it to the toilet, retching while his mother held his hair away from his face and patted his back. Lily helped him rinse his mouth, made him drink some water, and tucked him into his nice cool bed, a trash can and a bunch of towels on the floor beside him.

Lily took a shower herself, then wandered out to find Roman laying on the couch reading his economics text and Dean playing a video game. 

“Ro, make sure you tell me if you don’t feel good, okay?” Roman nodded. He looked fine, but the child had been actually touching Seth’s vomit so Lily was positive that he would get sick as well. 

Poor Seth was miserable. Lily got out the fixings for make-your-own tortilla pizzas so Dean and Roman could fix their own dinner. When she went back to check on Seth later, he was sitting up in bed clinging to the trash can, face as white as a sheet. Lily sat with him and rubbed his back as the vomit finally came in waves.

“That’s it, bub. Get it out,” she murmured soothingly. When he was finished she took the trash can and dumped it out and rinsed it, and returned to find Seth fast asleep. She offered him some cool water, which he drank unconsciously, but he was definitely settled and calm now. Lily placed a damp cloth on Seth’s forehead before checking on the other boys. They still looked okay. Lily still sensed it was going to be a long night. 

It wasn’t too bad, though. Seth didn’t get sick again after about 2 am. He slept pretty well for the rest of the night, and Dean and Roman woke up fine, so there was no question that they were going to school. Lily wasn't entirely sure what to do with Seth though. He was still out cold. She debated. Then she tucked his blanket around him. 

“Bub?”

“Mmmmm? Mama?” Seth whimpered and burrowed under the blanket.

“How does it feel this morning?” Lily asked softly.

“Mmm’okay,” Seth was clearly out of it. 

“I’m going to take your brothers to school, Seth. Do you want to get up and ride along, or are you okay sleeping here?” Her question was met with a snore, so she opted for the latter. She hustled Roman and Dean into the Highlander and dropped them off at school, then stopped at Costco to pick up a case of Gatorade and the ingredients for homemade chicken soup. Nothing was amiss when she pulled into her driveway.

Then she was met at the door by three barking dogs, which wasn’t altogether strange but also wasn’t the norm. Not bothering to put anything away, she shot back to Seth’s room. She found him curled up on the floor in the middle of the room. His bed, sheets, comforter, and carpet were covered in vomit. Lily groaned.

“Mama, I got sick again,” Seth whimpered from the floor.

“Yes, I see that,” Lily replied. She looked him over. He had vomit in his hair and down his chest. He needed a shower. The smell in the room was almost overpowering, so she took him into her bathroom and helped him bathe. Then she changed his pajamas and settled him on the couch with plenty of towels, Gatorade, and a bucket. He dozed and she cleaned the mess in his room. When she came back out to the living room he was out cold. Lily felt his forehead, noting a low fever, and sat down curled up in the recliner. She fully intended to try and catch a nap while Seth slept, and she sincerely hoped that he was done vomiting, because much more would warrant a doctor visit.

She dozed for about 30 minutes before hearing her phone vibrate on the table.

Creek Ridge Middle School was the name on the caller I.D. Lily swore under her breath..

“Hello,” she answered with trepidation, not even bothering to sound cheerful.

“Hi, Dr. G! I’m sorry to bother you but one of the boys just came down to the office. Seems he threw up in math. Are you able to come and pick him up?”

Oh, Roman, Lily thought. You must’ve tried so hard...outwardly, she said,

“Of course. I’m on my way.” 

No longer willing to leave Seth home alone, she picked up the bucket and her purse and put them in the Highlander, then gently eased Seth up into a sitting position.  
He whimpered.

“Shh, it’s okay. Ro’s got it too. We have to go get him. I’m so sorry, Seth. I know you want to sleep. You can sleep in the car, baby.”

She settled Seth on the back seat, and tucked the blanket around him. He was asleep again within a couple of minutes. When they arrived at school she left him in the car.

When Lily walked into the office, she was shocked to find not Roman but Dean sitting in the nurse’s office, trash can between his knees. His face was ghost white, his eyes red-rimmed, and his body shivered. Lily sat down beside him and rubbed his back.

“I’m sick, Mom,” Dean moaned. 

“I heard. It’s okay, sweetie. I’m going to take you home.” 

Lily kept rubbing Dean’s back while she asked the secretary to please call Roman down to the office. Roman walked in. He looked at Lily. She looked at him. His eyes were glassy and his face was familiarly pale. Lily picked up Dean’s trash can and handed it to Roman, who instantly fell to his knees and threw up into it. The secretary looked at Lily in astonishment as she got a paper towel wet and wiped Roman’s mouth. Roman looked up at her miserably.

“How did you know?” He whispered.

“Oh, Mama knows, child,” Lily replied. “Mama knows.”


	14. A Family for Bub

Mama did, in fact, know. Seth never did throw up again but both Roman and Dean puked all night long. It seemed like she barely finished cleaning up after one when the other was ready to get sick again. At 2 am, Lily brought them both in her room and tucked them into her bed, the floor on each side blanketed with towels and a trash can for each of them. At 3, when Seth woke from a bad dream, she brought him in too and settled him on the chaise in the corner. Then, deciding to take caution, she got a third trash can for him as well. Just in case. Then, standing back and surveying the room, she got out her phone and took a pic, captioned it “Pukapalooza” and sent it to Tony with the message: “Hope Italy is lovely. You owe me big.”

She kept the boys out of school the rest of the week. By Friday Seth probably could’ve returned but he was still feeling a little weak and he had extreme anxiety over being there with neither of his brothers in the building. While Dean and Roman slept, she took her baby with her to pick up all of their missed work, then to the grocery store for extra Jello, crackers, bread, etc. On the way home she stopped at Jamba Juice for three small smoothies, in case Dean or Roman felt up to it. Seth sipped his in thoughtful silence. Then he turned to Lily.

“Mama?” 

“Yeah bub?”

“Sometimes it’s nice to spend time just me and you,” Seth revealed this to her as though he was letting her in on a secret. She smiled at him.

“I agree, bub. I like just Mom/Seth time. I like spending time one on one with all of my boys.”

Seth considered this. Then he whispered,

“Before you, no one ever took care of me…”

Lily felt her heart ache. She looked over at her youngest child, then took his hand. 

“That’s the thing, Seth. You’re part of a family now, bub. There will always be someone to take care of you, for the rest of your life. Seth, do you like it here?” 

“Yeah,” Seth whispered. “I feel safe.”

A grin spread over Lily’s face. 

“Good. Drink your smoothie, bub. We’re almost home.”

Later on, Lily and Seth sat at the table working on his math assignments. Lily enjoyed this quiet time with him. It was a bit of a shock to everyone how quickly Seth had picked up everything he’d missed from his younger days, but he was a highly intelligent child. All three boys were, especially Dean, who tested off the charts, even though he often lacked motivation in class. Once his parents, Roman, and a tutor really worked with him, he discovered he COULD read. He just hadn’t been taught to his particular learning style before. 

“Mom?” Seth looked up at her from his algebra, coffee colored eyes wide and questioning.

“Yeah bub?”

“I was sick. Dean and Roman are sick. How come you didn’t get sick?” Lily’s smile was contagious.

“Mom antibodies I guess,” she replied. “Or maybe God just knows that watching my kids sick is punishment enough. I don’t know. Roman’s been sick and Dean and now you. More than once, Dean and Roman passed the crud around, and every so often they spread it to Dad. I never seem to catch it though. Knock wood.”

“Why do people say that? Knock wood?” Seth was full of questions.

“You know, I’m really not sure, bub. I know it’s some sort of figurative language. Maybe you should research it later.”

“Maybe...Mom, did you know that Roman wants to play pro football?” This was the most Seth had asked since he had arrived, and Lily absolutely loved it. 

“I did know that, baby,” she replied. “For the 49ers. Though I think just playing pro ball would be plenty for him. The team doesn’t matter. I’ve considered pulling some strings in Green Bay…” Seth wrinkled his nose at this. 

“Dean doesn’t know what he wants to be yet,” he seemed to be considering this as well.

“I know. But Dean has all sorts of time, bub. So what do you think you’d like to be when you’re older?” She asked him, and was surprised when he replied without hesitation,

“I want to be in the FBI just like Dad.”

“You should tell him that sometime,” Lily murmured. Seth shrugged. 

“Yeah...sometime, I will.”

 

__________________________________

 

Seth woke up on the morning of his thirteenth birthday feeling different. Not older. That was silly. But different, and in a good way. He also noticed the clock by his bed said 11:23. School had been out for a week now. Seth didn’t usually sleep in. Usually sleep was the enemy and he woke up easily and once it was light outside, he allowed himself to stay up because by then, he wouldn’t be a nuisance to his parents.

Last night, when Mom had asked him where he wanted to go for his birthday dinner, he’d answered without hesitation:

“Benihana. But don’t tell them it’s my birthday.”

A couple of days earlier on Roman’s birthday, they’d let on to the waitress at Rainforest Cafe that it was his birthday, and he’d been required to stand up and let the whole restaurant sing to him. Seth shuddered. No thank you. He didn’t need that kind of attention. Not even for free dessert.

He got up and meandered out to the living room, noting when he passed Dean’s bedroom that his brother was still asleep. Roman was playing Call of Duty in the living room. He looked up and smiled when he noticed Seth.

“Hey, baby brother. Happy birthday! Wanna play?” Seth nodded and scooted over so he was side by side with Roman.

“Where’s Mom?” Seth asked. Their mother had returned to work on an extremely part time basis. She did surgeries on Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons, consulted with patients on Monday through Thursday mornings, and didn’t work on Fridays at all. They found that schedule to be amenable to all of them. The boys still got to hang out at the community center a couple of days a week, but Lily’s schedule was very flexible too, so she was able to get to them if they needed her. 

“She went in to town,” Roman said. “Said she had go get some stuff for your birthday.”

Seth raised an eyebrow. He’d survived Roman’s birthday, Dean’s birthday, Lily’s birthday, and a Christmas. He knew holidays were a big deal around here. But he’d told her Benihana and he really hadn’t expected much more than that. 

“What did she need? We’re going to Benihana later; what else is there?”

“That’s classified. Good call on Benihana, by the way. I love that place.”

Seth grinned. He had never been there, but he’d looked over several places online and that was the one that seemed appealing to him. He loved Asian food and a hibachi just sounded fun. 

“What’s classified?” He demanded to know.

“Can’t tell you.”

“But Roman….”

“Sorry, brother. You’ll just have to be surprised.”

Seth hated surprises. Surprises never seemed to be as much fun as you figured they ought to be. Like just then, when Roman surprised him by killing his last op and winning the game. Seth sighed and got up. He’d read, he decided, until his mother got home and then he’d interrogate her. He hadn’t asked for any presents. He had everything he needed. They had provided him with a home, brothers, food, clothing. An education. They always handled his many needs with nothing but patience and respect. He certainly couldn’t ask for any more than that. 

He was also aware, however, that his parents did birthdays big. Christmas had been big. Christmas had been too much. They had stayed home, but the gifts had been sent in from all over, plus his parents’ desire to spoil their boys, had overwhelmed Seth to the point of trying to hide behind his mother on the couch, his face hidden in the back of her shoulder. She’d pulled him out and held him on her lap, promising him that he didn’t have to do anything else. He’d watched Dean and Roman instead.

Seth thought back to Roman’s birthday a few nights before. He and Dean had given him a football helmet autographed by Colin Kaepernick. Seth thought Roman was going to cry. Instead he tackled both his brothers into a huge group bear hug, which Seth happily returned and Dean pretended to try and wriggle out of. Seth grinned. It’d been fun. He heard his mother’s car door slam. 

He met her at the door. 

“Seth, move, baby, this stuff is heavy,” she’d tried to sidestep him. 

“What is it?” Seth demanded.

“You’ll find out later, baby. Hey, happy birthday! You were asleep when I left!” She leaned over to kiss his forehead. He allowed it. He didn’t hate his mother’s affection; truthfully, he even really liked it. Ever since that day in the hospital when she had started stroking his hair, he’d been open to touch from his mother. Tony was different; that was harder. But Seth was trying really hard, and Tony seemed to understand.

“Mom? I don’t know but Roman said...I mean...am I getting presents tonight?”

Lily stopped what she was doing and studied her son.

“Well, yes,” she answered slowly. “It’s your birthday, Seth. Traditionally, that is how birthdays tend to be celebrated. Are you okay with that?”

“I just don’t like people watching me…” he cast his eyes down to the floor.

Lily seemed to get it. She hugged him tight for a minute.

“It’s just me and Dad and Roman and Dean,” she whispered. “That’s all. No singing at the restaurant, or anything like that. It’ll be okay.”

Seth nodded but he wasn’t sure he felt better.

Benihana was delicious and every bit as entertaining as Seth had hoped. He and his brothers ate until they were stuffed and then they were each permitted to order huge ice cream sundaes to boot. Lily and Tony had kept their promise and not a word was mentioned about his birthday. That was saved for when they got home. There, they sang to him, but it wasn’t nearly as horrible as Seth had imagined. They had cake, too; the boys were ALWAYS hungry and by then, there was just enough room in their stomachs. It was chocolate with chocolate frosting. And it was homemade. Seth marveled at this; when had his mother baked him a cake? No one had ever...he sighed. This was not the time to become overly analytical. This was a time to relax and enjoy being part of a family. 

After cake, his family led him to the living room, where a small mountain of cards and gifts covered the coffee table. Most of it was birthday money; having sat through Dean’s birthday in December and Roman’s a few nights ago, Seth figured he would not be excluded. He opened the rest of his gifts slowly. His parents gave him an iTunes gift card, the Nike sneakers he’d had his eye on, four new shirts, two Blu Rays, an external hard drive for his laptop, and a Chicago Bears hat (Lily had long ago made peace with Seth’s chosen team). He thanked his parents profusely, and settled back against his mother feeling thoroughly content, when suddenly Roman and Dean produced one last box. 

It was long and thin. Seth looked at them curiously.

“This is from us. Open it,” said Roman.

“Yeah, yeah, open it up, Seth!” Excitement radiated off Dean, who was practically bouncing up and down. 

Slowly, Seth undid the ribbon, then lifted the lid off the box and gasped. His eyes grew wide as he stared down at the contents of the box. 

It was a broomstick. An exact replica of the Firebolt used in the Harry Potter books and movies. Seth was stunned. He picked it up. He turned it over. Then he wordlessly looked up at his brothers. 

“We thought you’d like it to hang on your wall,” Roman began. “Since you don’t have much stuff to decorate your room yet…”

“I picked it out!” Dean shook his arm excitedly. “Do you like it Seth? Is it right? That’s the right one, right?”

Seth slowly nodded.

“It’s amazing. It’s perfect,” he whispered.

Maybe his birthday wasn’t so bad. This had possibly been the best day of Seth’s life.


	15. A Comedy of Errors (It's Shakespeare, Dad)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In celebration of flying past 1,000 hits today, I give you: Chapter 15!
> 
> Again, I'm loving the comments; thank you so much! This one's kinda long; it probably COULD have been split into two, but it was easier to post all of it than find a suitable breaking point.

Tony knew Seth was feeling good because it had been over two weeks since his last nightmare. He and Lily kept that to themselves, though. Neither knew if Seth realized it, but both worried that if he did, he’d feel the pressure and it’d be over, at least for awhile. So they celebrated in silence. 

They had a busy summer ahead. All three boys had court dates. Trips were planned to the Gulf, San Antonio, and mid-July, when Tony travelled to Washington on business, Lily and the boys were coming as well. None of them had ever been there, and Tony tended to feel like his trips were kind of a waste because he was usually done with business by lunch time, and then he had no one to spend his afternoons with. It wouldn’t hurt to teach the kids some history. Maybe seeing it firsthand would make Roman like it better; history was still the one subject he struggled with.

The night before they left for Galveston and their rented beach house, he and Lily laid in bed. 

“Do you….ever think about adopting one of them?” Tony knew the question was sudden and random, and he already knew the answer anyway, but he still wanted to  
ask.

“I think about adopting all three of them. All day every day,” Lily’s reply came without hesitation. She rolled to her side, and looked up at him.

“Do you? Ever think about it?”

“All the time,” Tony confessed. “So…”

“Why don’t we.” Lily finished his sentence and he nodded.

“You know why,” she murmured in response.

“Lu…” Tony didn’t want to argue. He got it. He understood his wife’s hesitation. At one time he completely agreed with her. But...he was starting to feel a bit different. 

“Look, T---it’s not...all feelings aside, there are obstacles to overcome with all three of them,” Lily was making excuses. Tony knew this.

“Seth’s biological father is no obstacle,” Tony said.

“I’m thinking more of his biological mother,” Lily’s rebuttal stopped Tony for a second.

“We don’t know where she is. Or if she’s even still alive.”

“Exactly. We don’t know. If she comes back and haunts us...then there’s Roman’s biological father.” Lily wasn’t giving in. Tony wasn’t either though.

“What about him? He hasn’t been around since Roman was two; that’s been 12 years now. He signed the birth certificate; he can’t claim he didn’t know Roman existed. So he can’t refute an adoption,” Tony argued. “Besides, Lisa’s never going to regain custody. And we both know that when Roman goes to court in June he’s going to tell the judge he doesn’t want visitation anymore.” Lisa Reigns was Roman’s biological mother.

“Just because she’ll never have custody again doesn’t mean she’ll lose her rights to him. You know how this works, T. And to be honest, I think if we adopted the others and not Roman, he’d be so crushed.” 

“He knows how loved he is. I think he’d understand,” Tony sighed. This wasn’t working. It never did, but he tried every so often anyway. “And what about Dean?”

“I’d say Dean is the wild card anyway,” Lily muttered.

“What does that mean?”

“You know he’s got court soon. You know Shelby Ambrose was given the choice two years ago of jail or rehab. You know she chose rehab. I have no idea how she fared there, but if she completed it it’ll be that much harder to get her stripped and---”

Tony was just annoyed now, and he interrupted Lily.

“You’re just looking for any reason you can find, aren’t you. I know, babe. I know you don’t want to get hurt again, but---” It was Lily’s turn to interrupt.

“Oh, no, don’t even go there. You know this isn’t about me. You know what haunts my dreams, Tony? Not that we lost the girls. But the looks on their faces when they were taken away...dammit, you know what it would do to those boys if we fought and LOST one of them? Can you honestly say you could live with yourself if you had to look into the eyes of the two that stayed and deal with how losing a brother made THEM feel? Because I can’t.”

Tony knew it was useless to argue anymore. No matter what Lily said, she was sticking with her story, and he didn’t know what it would take to change her mind, but he wasn’t armed with what he needed to make that happen.

 

_________________________________

 

The ride to Galveston was completely silent. Lily drove, Roman in the front seat, Seth in the back with Stella and Wyatt. Dean was riding separate, with Tony in the Escalade, and they had Gator and Honey Badger. They took two vehicles because they wanted to bring the dogs and because a beach trip required considerably more luggage. They bought all their food in Houston and packed it into ice chests, there were extra towels, sand toys, and the like. They were on the road by 8:15, but it hadn’t been a good morning.

There was obvious dissention between Tony and Lily. It unnerved Roman, angered Dean, and outright frightened Seth. None of them knew what their parents had argued about, or if there’d been an argument at all, but their parents were all about open communication and they didn’t behave this way very often. The first thing that had gone wrong was when Roman let the dogs out for their morning romp, they’d all seen a rabbit and taken off, barking happily. It happened a lot and normally was okay, but they’d come back muddy, so Roman had to rub them all down with towels, effectively causing him to take longer to get ready. Tony had grumbled something about just leaving them at home under his breath, and that made Lily grumble something about leaving Tony at home under her own breath. 

The tension was too much for Dean, who simply couldn’t handle tiptoeing around his parents, and wasn’t normally expected to. He responded by messing with Seth. Incessantly. Seth was getting bolder. He was learning that he didn’t have to put up with Dean’s crap, and he started griping right back at his brother, but a comment about Dean resembling a dinosaur from the Land Before Time had Dean balling up his fist and waving it at his younger brother. Dean would have never actually hit him, but while everyone else knew it, Seth didn’t. He’d burst into tears and hid behind their mother. Lily had been trying to load an ice chest at the time, and Seth grabbing onto her made her drop it on her foot. It had opened up and it’s contents had gone everywhere. Packages of steaks and chicken and hamburger went flying. Lily had already let loose string of curses over the pain in her foot, but to top it all off, Gator, back from his romp and already cleaned up, grabbed a steak and ran away with it. Back through the mud. 

And although Dean lived for pushing his limits with his parents, he also couldn’t handle it when he finally stretched them far enough, so when she’d snapped at him to go sit on his bed until it was time to leave, he’d taken off behind the house instead. Tony had come to the garage to find meat all over the place, Seth sniffling, Lily sitting on the fender of the Highlander rubbing her foot, and Roman standing there completely baffled by the whole situation. It would’ve been pretty funny actually, if his parents hadn’t already been upset. But the look on Tony’s face was enough to make even Roman shiver. Seth, who still had a healthy fear of Tony anyway, couldn’t take it, and he ran back into the house sobbing. That aggravated Lily, who limped in after him, calling over her shoulder at Tony to please do something. 

Tony sighed.

“I guess we’re having that kind of day, huh, buddy?” He smiled at Roman.

“I guess...are you and Mom mad at each other?” Roman was nervous.

“No. We’re not mad. We had a difference of opinion on something and that happens sometimes, and every so often we get stubborn. But it’ll be okay.”

“This morning has been like A Comedy of Errors,” Roman said, helping his father gather up the meat and lift the cooler into the car.

“A what?”

“It’s Shakespeare, Dad. We read it last year.”

“Ahh...well, someday, you’ll have to tell me about it but for now we’ve got to get on the road. Thank you, son, for helping take care of this stuff.”

“You’re welcome, Dad.”

Roman went into the house and was relieved to find that Lily was sitting on the couch between Dean and Seth, hugging them both. 

“Now listen, I shouldn’t have snapped at you, sweetie, and I’m sorry for that. However, you know better than to threaten to hit your brothers.”

“But I wasn’t gonna---” Dean tried to interrupt.

“No, Dean, baby, I know you wouldn’t, but that’s the thing. If you wouldn’t then why pretend you would? Just to upset him? That isn’t how we treat people in this family, sweetie. I understand it’s been tense around here this morning and I’m going to fix it, but who’s responsible for Dean’s choices?”

Dean sighed.

“I am.” He leaned across Lily. “I’m sorry, Seth. I wasn’t nice. I promise, I’ll never hit you. I’ll try to do better.”

Seth considered Dean with wide eyes. Then he shrugged.

“It’s okay. I believe you. And I’m sorry I said mean things to you, Dean.”

Lily hugged both boys and kissed their foreheads before telling them to use the restroom and get their bags they were taking in the car. Then she stood up and hugged and kissed Roman too.

“Do you ever get tired of being the mature one?” She asked him with a smile.

“Well...I am the oldest,” Roman answered. 

“I love you, Ro. Thank you for helping Dad and me handle this mess of a morning. Go get your stuff, huh?”

Roman nodded. 

Now, in the car, Roman could still sense that his mother was unhappy, and he knew Seth did too because he kept throwing Roman nervous glances from the back seat. He tried to give him comforting looks. Eventually Seth fell asleep curled up on his seat with his head against the cool window. The ride was only about an hour and a half, but it never mattered. Seth almost always slept in the car once it got going, especially on the highway. Sometimes he fell asleep on the way home from school. Roman stared out his own window. He loved watching how everything changed between leaving the city and the coast. The skyline melted away as the beach got closer. Roman could almost feel everything begin to slow down. He hated city life. It helped that they lived on the outskirts of town and had all their land, but Roman knew when he grew up he wouldn’t live in Houston. Maybe he’d find a spot outside of town near his parents. He’d live by them forever if he could.

Soon enough they rolled up to the rented beach house. It was where they always stayed in Galveston. His parents had a timeshare. The house was big, completely furnished, and had a loft that was the perfect size for three boys to share, with a big tv, an XBox, DVDs, two big beds and a sofa that pulled out into a third bed. There were board games and books as well, and a bathroom to the side. It just held a sink and a toilet, so they had to shower downstairs, but that was okay. Roman helped his mom put the food and kitchen things away, while Dean and Seth dragged the beach things out back. As they did, both Lily and Roman heard Seth cry out.

They ran to the back door and saw Dean pulling Seth. Lily started to bolt towards them, but stopped short when she realized what was happening. Dean wasn’t dragging Seth as much as he was guiding him towards the sand. Seth’s feet were bare, and Dean was talking to him in the most tender voice either Lily or Roman had ever heard from him.

“Come on, Seth. You gotta see what this feels like. It’s amazing...come on. Don’t be scared.” Seth hesitantly stepped into the sand, took a few steps forward, and froze. He wiggled his toes. Then he giggled.

“See? It tickles,” Dean said gleefully. Seth let out a happy moan as he buried his toes into the sand.

“It feels good,” he whispered. Dean smiled at him gently.

“I know. It feels really good.”

“I’ve never touched it before…”

“I know. I hadn’t either until last summer. Want to go closer to the water?”

“The...water? No...no, no, not the water yet…” Seth stammered a little.

“I have an idea. Let’s get Roman and go build a sand castle and bury Dad.” Seth giggled.

“We can bury Dad?” His eyes gleamed.

“Dad lets me and Roman bury him every time. Mom says no ‘cuz she can’t stand having to get sand out of places sand was never meant to go.”

Seth giggled again.

“Sounds itchy,” he said. 

 

__________________________________

 

Lily and Roman watched this entire exchange in silence. Lily felt relieved. It was good to see Dean and Seth getting along and to see Dean treating Seth so gently. Eventually, Tony, Lily and Roman joined them outside, and eventually, they did coax Seth down to the water. At first he clung to Lily about five feet from the edge of the beach, but she wrapped her arms around his middle and walked with him closer while Roman held his hands and guided them and Dean gently coached him from the side. As the waves washed over his toes, Seth stood motionless. Lily couldn’t see his face, but he wasn’t trembling or doing anything to indicate that he was distressed. Then she felt Roman guide Seth forward, so this time she let go. Seth squealed, a happy sound, as the waves continued to assault his feet. It made Lily laugh herself. Despite the rough morning, Lily and Tony both had high hopes for this trip. She knew there were some hard patches coming up, and providing fun getaways for all three boys was, she hoped, going to be a distraction from the heartache that was likely coming.

 

__________________________________

 

The rest of the day was filled with fun. The boys did in fact bury Tony in the sand, a deed that left all of them but especially Seth laughing like hyenas. When the day was at its hottest, they came in for awhile and watched a movie while Lily puttered around the kitchen making potato salad and fruit salad to go with dinner, and Tony went to take a shower, muttering about washing sand out of places he didn’t know he had. Whatever had been upsetting their parents earlier seemed to have been resolved; they were happy again, and Dean was relieved. 

His parents never fought. Like ever. None of the boys had ever heard them yell. Every so often, someone would push one of them over the edge and the tone would get a little more harsh than necessary, but that always resulted in comfort, an apology, and an explanation. The very first time his mother had griped at him, Dean had immediately shrank away from her, expecting at the very least to be slapped. He never expected what happened instead. Lily had immediately wrapped him in her arms, and the second he realized he was getting a gentle touch, he had stopped trying to get away and instead pressed his face against her.

“I’m sorry, Dean. I shouldn’t have talked to you that way. I don’t like the choice you just made, but I love you and I didn’t mean to frighten you.” 

It was rare that it came to that point, but both his mother and his father handled all three of them that way. You’d think that would make them want to get in trouble more often, but strangely, Dean didn’t feel compelled to act up again. Instead, he felt both relieved and guilty, and he usually vowed not to disappoint his parents again, at least until the next time he got a wild hair.

After an amazing dinner of grilled chicken, potato salad, and fruit salad, they’d all gone down to the beach again, now that the sun was lower and less hot. Dean threw a Frisbee for Gator and Wyatt. Honey was getting too old and Stella too lazy to join the fun, but they laid by Roman and Seth in the sand and watched with interest.

That night, the boys were so exhausted that Seth barely made it past the kitchen, falling asleep in the big chair in the living area while Roman got up to their bedroom before passing out. Dean showered, and then went looking for his mom and dad. He found them outside sitting in beach chairs in the dark, holding hands and listening to the waves.

“So...you guys are okay?” Dean approached them, and they both turned to look at him. Then Lily patted her chair. Dean crawled in and curled up on her lap. 

“We’re fine, sweetness. Everything’s just fine,” she murmured, running her fingers through his damp hair.

“You don’t have to worry, buddy,” Tony added. 

“I don’t want you guys to be upset. Not with me or with each other,” he whispered. 

“We’re not. Not with each other and certainly not with you, Dean,” his father answered.

“But you were…” Dean wasn’t sure why he couldn’t just let it go.

“Last night we didn’t agree on something, sweets. We hurt each others’ feelings a little. We didn’t mean to but we’re not the perfect people you probably think we are,” Lily was still stroking his hair, which he loved even if he sometimes pretended he didn’t. He felt himself grow sleepy. 

“What did you disagree on?” Dean mumbled. He was only half awake now, though, so he didn’t see his parents share a look over his head. Nobody answered for a moment. Then he felt his mother kiss his temple and heard her whisper into his ear,

“We disagreed on which one of us loves you the most.”

Dean woke up snug in his bed the next morning with absolutely no idea how he'd gotten there, feeling the most relaxed and content he’d felt in weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As this chapter hinted, drama is coming! Thanks for sticking with me, folks!


	16. High-Noon at the Courthouse Corral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know some people have certain triggers, so I want to clarify: this chapter contains brief flashbacks to child neglect as well as a brief instance of child abuse and references to alcoholism. None are just terribly detailed, but those things upset you, I might just skim this one.

Roman had given up thinking of his biological mother as his biological mother and had long ago begun referring to her as Lisa. That way it was very clear to anyone involved that as far as he was concerned, Tony was his father, Lily was his mother, and he was a Girardi even if he couldn’t carry the last name. Lisa was an alcoholic and had been for as long as Roman could remember. She was always quick to remind him that she’d never wanted children; he’d come along and ruined her life instead. The whole reason he’d gotten picked up by Social Services at age 3 was because she would binge drink and then pass out, leaving him to cry and starve, too young to fend for himself. Twice over the course of the next 6 years, she’d been granted custody again, once when Roman was 5 and once when he was 7. The outcome was always the same though. She’d do good for a day or two, and then the drinking and verbal abuse would start right back up, and then the binging and sleeping would follow. The last time Roman was removed from the home, he’d nearly gotten himself and Lisa killed when he caught the stove on fire trying to make himself some canned spaghetti. At 7, it didn’t occur to him that his mother sloshing booze all over the stove was a fire hazard.

Since Roman turned 14 a month prior, it was time to go before a judge and tell him or her that he no longer wanted visitation with Lisa. In the last two years, she’d shown up five times. Five. Out of 24 scheduled visits. And when she DID show, she smelled of cigarettes and booze, and she wanted to hug and gush all over him, but it always seemed fake and Roman hated it. As angry as it made him when she didn’t show, he honestly preferred it. The smell of her made him sick to his stomach. Lily always smelled like Dove soap and apple chapstick, and when she gushed over him, she clearly meant it. Visitation was always the third Friday of each month from 4-6. During football season, he was allowed to go on Thursdays instead. The plan was for either Lily or Tony to drop him off at Social Services and return for him two hours later, but if Lisa didn’t show up after 30 minutes, they were called to come back, so they began hanging around, shopping, or running other errands, and then Roman was usually given a choice of a restaurant and they’d go for some one on one time to help him clear his head.

The times that Lisa DID show up, Roman always just wanted to go home and hide in his bed. Once, he threw up as fast as he could get to the bathroom. And whether she showed up or not, he never quite seemed able to stop the tears from falling once he tried to fall asleep. Luckily his parents knew all of this, and someone from his family was never very far from him on those nights. If Dean made it into his bedroom first, then he’d stay the night. Sometimes they’d watch movies on Netflix but sometimes, Roman would just lay there and cry while Dean spooned him and didn’t speak. It was a showing of compassion that they rarely saw from Dean, but all knew was in there and only came out when it was absolutely necessary. If it wasn’t Dean who spent the night, it was Lily or Tony, and recently, Seth had come down with a dog-eared copy of Maniac Magee and had settled in and read to Roman while he cried. He loved his family so much, and cherished their efforts to take care of him.

Roman wished that Lisa just wouldn’t show up for court. But in 11 years that he’d been in foster care, she’d never once missed a court date. He didn’t know why she even bothered, though. 

He woke up on court morning filled with dread. His stomach hurt and his head throbbed. The first thing he did after sitting up was run to the bathroom and vomit. He heard a soft knock on the door, followed by his father’s voice.

“Buddy? You okay?” Tony’s voice was gentle and soft. He quietly opened the door and knelt behind Roman, holding his hair back.

“Dad, I don’t want to do this,” Roman whimpered and then a wave of nausea hit him and he threw up again. Tony held his hair and rubbed his back slowly.

“I’m so sorry, Roman. I don’t want you to have to do this either.”

“Can you call them and tell them I’m too sick for court?” Roman felt awful anyway. He was sweating and shaking and his knees felt like jelly.

“I could, but that would just be delaying the inevitable. Don’t you want to just get it over with instead of having to worry about it for another month?”

Roman knew Tony was right, of course. Then a horrible thought seized him.

“Dad, what if...what if she gets me back?” Roman gagged again, another heave working it’s way out of him.

“Shhh...not gonna happen, buddy. Just not gonna happen.” Tony wrapped a strong arm around his son. “Even if she did decide she wanted you back, no judge on the planet would grant her that. She can’t really even push for visitation if you’ve decided you don’t want to. The law says you’re old enough.”

Roman leaned his head on Tony’s shoulder and allowed the tears that had been threatening to fall. Tony leaned over and pulled Roman onto his lap.

“I know, son. I know. I wish I had some words or something to make this all easier. Dammit, Roman, if I could trade places with you I would. I love you, son. I love you, and Mom loves you, and Dean and Seth love you. Focus on that to get you through today, okay? That’s my best advice. Just hang on to that, and by the end of the day it will all be over.” Tony kissed the top of Roman’s head. Roman’s sobs immediately slowed, and he relaxed against his dad. 

“I just want this to be over, Daddy,” he whispered. 

“It will be soon, buddy. Soon. You just have to hang on, Roman. I know this is awful. Mom and I feel it too. We feel your hurt. But you have us to support you and as soon as it’s over, you’ll never have to deal with it again. Why don’t you take a shower? I’ll help you decide what to wear.”

 

____________________________

 

They dropped Seth and Dean off at the community center, in spite both of them complaining loudly that they wanted to come along. The sight of Roman trembling on the backseat of the Highlander was enough to make Lily wish she could break down into tears, but instead she reached back and offered Roman her hand. Roman squeezed it hard. When they arrived at the courthouse, Lily went around to Roman’s door, leaned in, and just hugged him. 

“I love you,” she spoke with calm fierceness. “Daddy and I are going to be by your side. The only time you won’t be able to see one of us is when you’re speaking to the judge, and then it’ll be just you and him. No one is going to make you face her alone. When this is over, I’m going to take you to Sayuri’s and buy you the biggest plate of sushi you’ve ever seen.”

Roman giggled. Lily knew she’d addressed his fears. She also knew about the vomiting incident that morning. This was the hardest part about having foster children. Lily knew there was absolutely no chance of Lisa regaining any form of custody. Realistically, this should be easy. But Lily also knew that every so often, the system didn’t work the way it was supposed to. And she knew Roman knew it too. So just to be safe, she leaned down and whispered into her baby’s ear,

“And just in case, everybody’s passport is ready to go. I’m going to hide you in another country before I’m going to let anyone else have you. Believe that.”

The minute they walked into the courthouse, they could hear Lisa Reigns yelling at her attorney. 

“I want a different fucking judge! Judge Malaska favors those fools, always has!”

Lily gave Tony a look, and they attempted to shuffle Roman back out the door before Lisa saw him and caused an even bigger scene, but they were too late. She looked up and saw him, then shrieked,

“There’s my baby boy! Roman! Get over here and give Mama some love!”

Roman looked paralyzed with fear. Lily saw Tony wrap an arm protectively across his chest, and she turned and stood in front of him and took his hands. 

“Look at me,” her voice wasn’t mean but it also left no room to misunderstand. Roman’s eyes broke away from Lisa and met Lily’s. They were full of tears.

“Shhh...I want you to look at me, not her. You do not have to go to her. If you want to, that’s okay. We will not be upset with you. But it’s your choice.” 

Roman nodded. She placed her hands on his cheeks.

“Deep breath,” she murmured. Roman sucked in some air. Then he let go of Lily’s hands. Lisa was quickly approaching him. Lily didn’t move, nor did Tony. They kept him in a Roman sandwich, effectively preventing Lisa from getting too close. Lily could smell the booze on her when she got within 5 feet.

“Josh! Keep her under control!” Tony called softly to her attorney. Just then Cassie swooped in between them.

“Lisa, have you been drinking? You know you may not touch him.” 

Lisa paid no attention. She pushed Lily back and tried to pry Roman out of Tony’s arms. Roman burst into tears and tried to jerk away, resulting in Lisa grabbing a handful of his hair with one hand, and his wrist with the other. 

“Get over here!” Lisa was screaming. “You are MY SON, and the least you can do is give your mother a hug!” Roman was clinging to Tony. Lily resisted the urge to tackle Lisa to the ground. 

“Let him go. You’re hurting him. Lisa, you’re HURTING ROMAN! Let go of him!” She was pleading. She knew it, but she didn’t care. 

Suddenly Roman was freed from Lisa’s grasp. A huge officer with a beard had gripped both of Lisa’s wrists tightly, so she had no choice but to let Roman go. It didn’t register with Lily that strands of his hair were hanging from Lisa’s fingers, or that he’d gone nearly slack in Tony’s arms, or even that he looked as though he was fighting to breathe. She just leaped forward and drew her son close to her.

“I’ve got you. Roman. Mama’s got you. Look at me, kiddo. Look at my eyes. Breathe, Ro. Mama’s got you.”

They could all hear Lisa screaming about who Roman’s mother really was as the officer dragged her down the hall, but no one paid attention. Roman’s face was ghost-white, and he was clearly having an anxiety attack. Lily could barely hold him upright. Tony was leaning into his ear, softly instructing him to take slow breaths. Then he carefully lifted Roman into his arms. Cassie guided them all into a small room with a few chairs and a table but instead Lily sat down cross-legged on the floor. Tony set Roman down with her and she cradled his upper body in her arms. Tony sat across from them and patted Roman’s back while Lily spoke to him.

“I want you to take a deep breath in through your nose,” she murmured. Keeping her voice calm was nearly impossible, but she knew she had to. If Roman caught even a hint of her own anxiety, she was never going to get him back. 

“Come on, Ro. Slow, deep breath.” Roman was finally able to comply, and then suddenly, he began to scream. He sobbed and yelled and tried to push away from his parents, but they held him firmly, knowing he just needed to let it all out. It seemed like forever, but eventually he started to calm down. He stopped fighting. His breathing slowed. He began to shiver, and Tony covered him up with his suit jacket. The whole time, Cassie, who had been joined by the Girardi’s attorney, sat silently at the table. Tony got up and went to talk with them. But Lily didn’t listen. She didn’t care. 

Once she could tell that Roman was no longer in distress, she let herself lean back against the wall, but she wasn’t willing to let him go. She wasn’t too sure if she’d ever let him go again, honestly. Lily felt her own rage begin to well up, but she forced herself to swallow it back down. It could wait until later. Instead, she focused on Roman’s sweet face. He still hadn’t spoken, and she couldn’t read his expression, other than he looked completely exhausted. 

“Ro?” Lily whispered his name. He looked at her, blue eyes clearing.

“Mommy. I don’t ever want to see her again.”

All Lily could do was tighten her arms around Roman and kiss him. She wished she could promise him that, but the truth was, she just didn’t know.

 

_____________________________________

 

Seated at the table, the other adults kept their voices low. Tony couldn’t help it; he kept throwing looks at Lily and Roman, but he appeared to be okay now. Tony wasn’t quite as good at Lily at masking his fury though.

“How the fuck,” he began, his voice deathly soft, “does that even happen?”

Cassie shook her head.

“It shouldn’t have,” she said quietly. The Girardi’s attorney, a gentleman named Amos Vaughn, spoke up next.

“Lisa Reigns has been taken to the jail. She’s being charged with public intoxication---for now. I’m going to add assault as soon as Lily is able to press charges. It sounds like quite a few people witnessed Lisa shove her.”

“Amos. Cassie. Please don’t misunderstand,” Tony began slowly. “Because while I am more than incensed that she put her hands on my wife, my bigger concern here is that that woman HARMED MY SON.”

Cassie and Amos exchanged glances. 

“I know, Tony,” Cassie’s voice was gentle. “And believe me, I’m not letting it go. They’re reviewing the courthouse surveillance to see if there’s a clear view of what happened.”

Tony nearly exploded.

“You were there! I was there, Lily was there, the police officers were there, Lisa’s fucking snake of a lawyer was there, and God knows who else! Why the hell are we waiting on video surveillance when so many people---”

“Tony.” Lily’s voice behind him sounded urgent. He turned around.

“What?” Tony knew he sounded a little sharper than he meant to, but he was just furious.

Lily looked down at Roman in her arms, then back up at Tony. Tony could see that Roman was asleep. Tears stained his face. A bruise was already forming on his wrist where Lisa had grabbed him. But he was okay. He hadn’t been badly hurt. That was supposed to be the most important part. He took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, Cassie. I’m just---we love that kid. He’s ours; he’s always been ours, and the only reason I didn’t punch her face was because...well, honestly, because I couldn’t risk punching Roman instead.”

“I know. No apology needed, but this is my point: she did not manage to keep from hurting Roman. And Roman was already going to tell the judge he no longer wants visitation. So between those two things, plus assault charges---I think instead of charging her for hurting Roman, we need to petition to have her rights stripped.”

“Wait---what?” Tony couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing. He knew it was supposed to make him happy, but he was still just so mad.

Amos spoke next.

“I don’t think we exactly need the double whammy here, Tony. The most important thing is doing what’s best for Roman, right?”

Tony nodded slowly, then looked back at Lily again. It seemed to be dawning on her what was really being said.

“So...if Lisa gets her rights stripped, what will happen? How will that change anything?” Tony could hear the hope in her voice.

“Well...of course, if his biological parents have no rights to him, then someone will have to adopt him…” Cassie smiled at Lily. Lily squealed. Roman woke up startled. Lily instantly turned her attention back to him, cuddling him and kissing his forehead. 

“Okay...so what you’re telling me,” Tony began, “is that this...this incident today, is going to get Lisa stripped of her parental rights?”

“If a judge takes everything into account that she’s already done, and then has a concrete, unshakeable video of Lisa hurting Roman? No chance any of them let her keep claim to him.”

“So instead of trying to get her in jail to keep her away from Roman, let’s just make it permanent instead.” Amos continued where Cassie left off.

Tony sucked in a breath. Then he looked at Lily. Hadn’t they just had this fight a few weeks ago? 

“Lu?”

“Do it,” she whispered.

“You’re sure?” 

“I know. I know what I said,” Lily began to cry and Tony leaped to his feet and went to her and pulled both her and Roman into his arms. Roman was indeed sound asleep.

“I know what I said,” Lily repeated. “But today, I didn’t keep him safe. I didn’t do what I’ve always promised him I would do. And that can never happen ever again, so whatever we need to do to make sure it doesn’t...just do it.”

Tony pressed his forehead against Lily’s. 

“I love you so much,” he whispered. “Do we tell Roman?”

“We don’t tell Roman anything until we’re 1000% certain of what’s going to happen.”

“I’m good with that,” Tony hugged Lily again. Without looking up, he addressed Amos and Cassie.

“I’m going to take my wife and son home. We’re going to spend a few days helping him heal. Whatever you find out can wait until next week. But we’re trusting you both to guide us here.”

 

______________________________

 

Lily drove in silence.

Roman had woken up easily, but the first thing he’d said was that he didn’t want to do this and he’d begged to go home. He had seemed slightly startled when they’d walked him out to the car without a second word. Now Tony was sitting in the backseat beside him, and Roman was sitting with his head on Tony’s shoulder. He declined their offers of going out for lunch. Lily could tell he was still just spent.

She’d never felt more guilty in her entire life.

Roman had been terrified almost to the point of passing out. He’d been attacked right in front of her. He was clearly deflated. And Lily held the key, possibly the only thing that could help him feel better, but she couldn’t tell him. She knew that was the best thing. But she still hated it.

At home they offered him food again, and again, Roman declined. Instead he clung to Lily, then Tony.

“Don’t leave me,” he begged.

“No one is leaving you,” Tony tried to reassure. “Go change your clothes, buddy. Mom and I aren’t going anywhere.” 

Lily changed into yoga pants and a t-shirt, then sank down onto her bed. She was exhausted. God, and it was only noon. She debated going back into town to get Dean and Seth early, but had just decided that maybe some two on one time would be the best thing for Roman when she was tackled by a ball of muscle and long black hair. As they landed back on the bed, Roman fell to the side of her. He was crying again. Lily rolled so she could face him and pull him tight against her.

“I couldn’t find you,” Roman sobbed.

“Shhh...I’m right here, kiddo. I’m right here.”

“Don’t leave me, Mama,” the fear in Roman’s eyes stung Lily to the core.

“Roman. Listen to me.” Lily planted a soft kiss on his forehead. “I know today just sucked, baby. I know. But Daddy and I are right here. No one is going to leave you, baby. Why are you so afraid we’re going to---”

Roman didn’t let her finish the question though. He buried his face into her side, shaking his head and crying harder.

“No, no, no, just don’t leave me,” he moaned in response. Lily sighed. Then she noticed Tony standing in the doorway holding a glass of juice. He brought it to the bed and put the straw between Roman’s lips. He drank and drank, and then he rested against Lily and closed his eyes. She began running her fingers through his soft hair. Tony’s hand joined hers, and they watched as Roman fell asleep. 

“I don’t know what to do,” she whispered. “He’s never been like this before.” Tony stood, walked around the bed, and crawled in on the other side.

“He’s going to be fine,” Tony murmured, rubbing Roman’s shoulder. “Do you think maybe he’s just kind of in shock?”

“It wouldn’t surprise me, not at all,” Lily replied. “But I don’t know how to help him.”

“Do you want to see if we can get in with Dr. Enderle?” 

“No...no, let’s just let him sleep and see how he’s doing after awhile.” Lily sighed.

Tony nodded. 

“You said something earlier, at the courthouse…” Tony began. “You said you allowed him to get hurt. You know that’s not true, right?”

“I know that someone caused my baby boy pain right in front of me and I did nothing to stop her,” Lily replied. “As for what I would have done, I don’t have a good answer. I wanted to just knock her to the ground but then I’d probably be in jail too and what would THAT have done to Roman?”

“See, but that’s just the point,” Tony said softly. “That’s exactly what makes YOU his mother instead of her. You put Roman first. You ALWAYS put Roman first. Don’t blame yourself. Please don’t. He wouldn’t want you to.”

Tony was absolutely right and Lily knew it. She sighed again.

“Think it’ll work? Them taking her rights away?” 

He grinned at her.

“I think they’re probably right. But even if she doesn’t lose her rights, there is absolutely no way they’ll force visitation on him anymore. So either way, he’s never going to see her again and that’s definitely good for him.”

“Yeah...can you believe it’s been four and a half years?” Lily gazed at Roman as he slept on her. “He’s going to be in high school...our babies are almost 8th graders...where does the time go?”

Tony laughed.

“I think every parent who ever lived has asked that question,” he said. “And I don’t think anyone has a good, solid answer.”

“Even after today, I feel like the luckiest Mama in the world. Because I get to keep this angel and his brothers forever.”

“We got what we needed,” he whispered back. “They have been exactly what we needed.”

Neither of them noticed that Roman’s eyelids flickered for just a second, or the soft smile on his lips. He just rolled over against Tony, and they snuggled in and held him tight together.

A few hours later, Roman was still asleep. He’d attached himself to Tony’s side and laid his head on his dad’s shoulder. There was a baseball game on TV, but Tony wasn’t really watching it. He had one arm around Roman and was studying his phone with the other. Lily had been reading when she glanced at the clock and then she stood up.

“It’s 3:30. I need to get Dean and Seth,” Lily said. She softly kissed Roman’s cheek and he shook his head and mumbled something.  
“Shhh...it’s okay. Daddy’s got you, kiddo. I’m going to go get the boys and I’ll be back soon.” Roman just nodded a little, mumbled more inaudible words, and snuggled closer to Tony. Lily smiled. This was good. This seemed better. 

 

________________________________

 

Dean looked like he was ready to explode. Seth sat next to him on the bleachers in the community center gym. They were up at the very top. That suited them both fine; Seth didn’t feel like talking to anyone and Dean was likely to bite the head off of anyone who even tried. They were worried about Roman. They knew it was kind of silly to worry, since their parents had explicitly told them that it would be around 4 when one of them came to pick them up. They had still been hoping, though, that perhaps if it all went well, they would come for them early. 

It was Dean who noticed their mother walk in first, and he muttered a curse under his breath. Seth didn’t like cursing, but no way was he going to remind Dean of that right now. They both took the steps down two at a time.

“Where’s Roman? Is he okay?” Dean spoke at the exact same time that Seth asked, 

“Mama? What took so long?”

Seth wiggled up under his mother’s arm. He needed reassurance and he knew the best way to get it. Lily hugged him tight. 

“Guys, Roman is okay. He’s home with Daddy. He’s resting. It’s been...a difficult day. But good things are gonna come from it.” She sat them down and told them  
about their morning. It made Seth feel sad. 

“But he isn’t hurt? Not really?” Dean asked when she finished.

“No. He’s not hurt. He’s just super emotional---you guys know all about feelings and that was a LOT of feelings to process. Daddy and I are going to stay home the next couple of days and we plan on spending a lot of family time just relaxing together. That’s what’s best for Roman, I think. And you two being around. Normalcy. That’s what he needs.”

“What are we having for dinner?” Dean wanted to know. Lily smiled. Normalcy was what she had asked for, after all.

“I have no idea. Want to go to Target and pick some stuff out?” 

“Like what?”

“Well, we could make pizza or nachos, or maybe a couple of sub sandwiches.”

“Can we get the pickles they keep in the cold section?”

“Sure.” 

As Lily neared Target, her phone rang. Seth was in the front seat, so she asked him to answer it.

“Hello? Hi, Daddy. How’s Roman? Oh? He does? Okay, hang on, I’ll tell Mom.” Seth looked over at Lily. “Mama? Dad says that Roman is awake and wondering if he can still have a big plate of sushi from Sayuri’s.”

“Tell Dad that tonight Roman can have anything he wants.” 

Seth relayed the message and then Tony said something to make him laugh. Then he hung up.

“What’s so funny?” Dean asked.

“Nothing. He just was being silly. Mama, can I get Sayuri’s too?”

“Absolutely. How about you, Dean? You still want to go to Target, or do you want to pick a place to get takeout for you and Daddy?”

“Does Sayuri’s have the chicken teriyaki with the big noodles?” Dean asked.

“Yeah.” 

“Then I want that.”

They feasted that night, all together in Lily and Tony’s bed. Seth thought Roman seemed reserved but okay, and he and Dean were both relieved. After awhile, he settled himself into his mother’s arms and sighed deeply. This was how it was supposed to be. Not necessarily that no one was ever hurt, because that was not realistic. But when someone in their family did hurt, they pulled together to help. Seth suddenly realized his heart felt huge. He was lucky. Lucky to have found this family.

 

_______________________________

 

The trip to Washington was incredible. Dean and his brothers had never been there before. Every morning while their dad worked, the boys slept late. Then once they were up they hung out at the hotel pool until Tony returned. They went to Mt. Vernon, all of the museums and monuments, the White House, and the National Zoo. They ate at cool restaurants. Dean continued to fulfill his dream of owning memorabilia from every Hard Rock Cafe in the world. They returned to Houston with more court drama looming, but relaxed and happy anyway. 

Then a week before Dean was to go before a judge and discuss his biological mother, the doorbell rang one morning. Lily and Tony were both at work, but Dean knew Lily was expecting a delivery from FedEx, so he went by the door, carrying a huge bowl of Frosted Flakes along with him. He swung the heavy oak door open---and gasped.

Standing before him was Shelby Ambrose.

The last time Dean had really seen Shelby, she’d been placing awful kicks into his abdomen and ribs. He stared at her. She stared at him. Then she smiled. Dean screamed and dropped the cereal. The bowl shattered at his feet.


	17. Seth Takes a Stand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When did our sweet little Seth get so brave?

Seth and Roman both heard the bowl break, and they both ran for the front door. The woman standing there was staring at Dean with a very strange smile on her face. A tidal wave of milk and Frosted Flakes covered the foyer.

“You should come with me now,” the woman was saying. “That’ll make everything easier.”

“No. No, no, no,” Dean was mumbling low in his throat. He honestly looked as though he was on the verge of passing out. Seth had no idea WHO this woman was, but he had never seen Dean more upset or afraid. Roman seemed to know exactly what was going on though. 

“Dean, you’re not going anywhere with her,” Roman’s voice was strong and firm. “Come on, Dean. You need to stay here.”

“Dean,” the woman was beginning to get upset, and she reached for Dean’s arm. The contact made Dean cringe. “Either way, I’m taking you back. You can decide if you want to go through the whole court thing, but if you just come with me now---”

Roman stood between Dean and the woman, the woman Seth had finally realized could only be Shelby. This wasn’t right, this wasn’t okay. Seth knew that none of their biological parents were allowed near them unless the court ordered some sort of visitation, and this clearly wasn’t it. He stepped forward, though he was terrified now, and took hold of Dean’s other arm, prepared to fight for his brother if this woman didn’t let him go.

“Dean. She can’t take you anywhere without Mom and Dad’s permission. Go back into---Seth, take Dean back into your room and lock the door. Call Mom and Dad and tell them we need them home right away.”

Shelby finally let go and glared at Roman, then turned her gaze to Seth and Dean. Once again, Dean cringed but this only steeled Seth’s resolve. Seth didn’t really know a lot of specifics about Dean’s past, only that he’d been abused by his mother and her various boyfriends. Now, his obvious terror told Seth that it had been way worse that a simple beating here or there. Absolutely no way was she taking Seth's brother with her. He'd die first. In a brazen display, Seth jumped in front of his brother. "Dean is OUR brother!" Seth yelled at Shelby. "YOU can't have him. He lives here and he's part of THIS family." Shelby scoffed at Seth, but he was undeterred. Dean was still mumbling “no” softly, but Seth didn’t dare disobey Roman right now. He gently grabbed his brother’s arm again and guided him down the hall to his bedroom. They shut the door and locked it. Dean sank down into the corner, trembling like a leaf. Seth pulled out his phone and called Lily.

“Mommy? Someone is here and she’s scared Dean and I think it might be---”

Lily interrupted him sharply.

“What do you mean, someone is there?”

“I mean we heard the doorbell ring, and Dean answered it. I think it must’ve been Shelby because we heard Dean drop his cereal and now he’s really scared, Mom.”

“Where are you three right now, Seth?”

“Roman told me to lock me and Dean into my bedroom so I did, but I don’t know where he---”

“I’m on my way, Seth. No matter what, you and Dean do not move until I get there. I’m calling Daddy and I’m calling the police. Stay calm, Sethie. You’re doing exactly right.”

“But---what about Roman?”

“If Roman comes back there let him in, but then keep the door locked. She isn’t going to hurt you but she definitely isn’t supposed to be there. Bub, I’m going to call Daddy, and then I’ll call you right back okay?”

“Okay, Mama.” Seth was scared now.

“Good boy. Just hang on, bub.”

Seth looked over at Dean. He hadn’t moved. He strained to see if he could hear anything out in the house, but all he heard was Dean’s quiet whimpers. Then his phone rang in his hand. He’d forgotten all about it and he jumped out of his skin, losing his grip on the phone. It flew onto Dean’s bed, and he dove after it. The sudden movement startled Dean, who leaped up and tried to bolt. Seth did his best to answer his phone while trying to keep Dean away from the door. This was no easy task, since Dean was still quite a bit bigger and stronger than Seth.

It was Tony.

“Seth? What’s going on?” He sounded concerned.

“Mama said to stay in here but Dean’s really scared and he’s trying to leave---” 

“Put me on speaker.”

Seth did as he was told.

“Dean?” Tony’s voice could now be heard.

“D-Dad?” Dean froze.

“I’m coming home, son. Mom and I are coming. You’re okay. You’ve just got to sit tight and stay where you are. It’s going to be fine. Mom’s talking to Roman right now. He’s coming back to you guys---”

Not two seconds later, they heard Roman knock on the door.

“Daddy, are you sure it’s Roman?” Seth was fighting back waves of fear. Dean retreated to his corner and sank back onto the floor, shivering harder than ever.

“I’m sure. Go ahead.” Seth heard Roman identify himself. It SOUNDED like him…

He stopped hesitating when he heard the sound of glass breaking somewhere towards the front of the house. He jerked open the door and yanked Roman in, as Dean screamed behind him.

Once Roman was in the room, Lily’s voice could also be heard as Roman put her on speaker as well.

“What was that?” Lily demanded to know.

“Mama---Mama, I think she’s in the house,” Roman whispered. Dean continued to scream.

“Shhhh Dean. Is the door locked?” 

“Yes. We’re locked in Seth’s bedroom. Dean, stop. Come on, bud. Just---we’re okay.” Roman drew Dean closer, and Dean buried his head under Roman’s arm. He didn’t stop screaming though. Seth was horrified.

“Hang in there, guys. There’s a police officer on our property right now, but he knows he’s not to knock or anything. He’s going to come in and look around.”

A moment later, they heard a woman shriek somewhere in the house and all three of them jumped.

“Hurry, Mama,” Dean wailed suddenly. 

“Baby. Baby, baby, baby, we’re coming. Just hang on.”

A moment later, Tony’s voice.

“I’m pulling up the driveway, guys. Just stay put. Mom’s right behind me.”

Roman was sitting beside Dean on the floor now, with one arm around his brother. Seth remained rooted where he stood, too terrified to take a step. With both phones on speaker, they could hear just a little of what was going on in the background. Then Lily’s voice.

“Talk to me, guys. Everybody okay in there?”

“We’re fine,” Roman’s voice. “We’re just scared.”

“I know. I know. It’s okay. Guys, it looks like everything is under control. The officer has Shelby. I’m coming back, okay?”

Seth nodded, then realized his mom couldn’t see him.

“Okay,” he whispered.

A moment later, there was a knock on the door. 

“It’s me, guys,” came Lily’s voice through the phone.

Seth crept to the door, then hesitated.

“Is it really you, Mama?”

“It’s really me, bub. Let me in. It’s okay now.”

It sounded like her, so Seth slowly undid the lock and let the door fall open. Relief washed over him immediately when he saw Lily. He went to hug her, but was knocked out of the way by Dean, who had flew at her from the other side of the room. She caught him in a bone crushing hug, then reached an arm out for Seth too and motioned for Roman to join them.

“Oh goodness. It’s okay. It’s okay, guys. You’re okay. I’m here. Daddy and I are here. It’s okay.”

Dean was sobbing into her neck. She walked them to the edge of Seth’s bed, sat them down, but didn’t let any of them go. 

“Dean,” her voice was gentle. “You’re okay, sweetie. I know she scared you, but you’re safe. Shhh….”

Dean struggled to calm down enough to speak. Seth watched as their mother ran her fingers through Dean’s wild hair. 

“She said she’s taking me with her,” he finally whispered. “She said she’s taking me with her either way, and so I could make it easy and just go with her, and then she grabbed my arm and pulled on me. And...and I broke your bowl…” Tears began flowing freely again. Lily couldn’t help but laugh just a little.

“Well, first of all, I don’t care about the damn bowl, so just get that off your conscience. I can replace the bowl. I can’t replace my baby.” Dean snuggled against her and she hugged him closer.

“Second of all, she said she’s taking you with her?”

Dean nodded miserably.

“She said she’s going to take me back anyway, so I could decide whether I wanted to go through court or just go with her.”

“She’s lying. It’s not a custody hearing, baby. The most she can hope to come away with is supervised visitation and even that would only be until you turn 14 and are old enough to say you don’t want to anymore.”

“I know...I know I know I know,” Dean pressed his face into Lily’s neck. They’d been through all of this; Seth remembered. Suddenly Tony was at the door.

“You guys okay?” Their dad’s voice was gentle but his eyes held fury. Roman spoke up first.

“We’re fine, Dad, she didn’t hurt us, she just…”

“It was scary,” Seth finished. “She doesn’t get to take Dean away right? Mama says she can’t.”

“No, she can’t,” Tony agreed. “Did she say she was going to?”

All three boys nodded. 

“Let me see your arm, sweetie,” their mother murmured to Dean. A light bruise was forming around his forearm. 

“She did this?” Lily asked him. He nodded miserably as Lily held up his arm for his father to see.

“Okay. Come with me, guys. The police officers want you to tell them what happened, and Cassie is on her way out. I don’t know what’s going to happen next for sure, but Shelby is NOT allowed to come to this house and she knows that, so she’s in violation of her plea agreement.” He hugged Dean and Roman, then waited for Seth to approach him. Seth considered him guardedly before allowing a small hug. 

“By the way, she broke a window in the kitchen. That’s how she got in the house. She didn’t get far, though. When the officers got here, she was backed against the wall, surrounded by all four dogs. And they were not happy. Even the cops couldn’t call them off. They waited until I got here.”

 

___________________________

 

Dean’s day in court went way better than any of them expected.

First, they drew Judge Malaska again, who was not at all impressed with Shelby’s antics, despite her impassioned plea to be allowed to have her son back. Dean had maturely told the judge that Shelby being sober for two years wasn’t going to erase the 11 years of misery she had put Dean through prior to this point, and Judge Malaska sided with him. Not only would Shelby not be allowed to petition for custody, she wasn’t even granted visitation, and the judge left her with the promise that if she ever approached Dean again without his parents present, he would personally see that her rights to Dean get removed. 

They left the courthouse, went to get Roman and Seth, and then went to Ruby Tuesday for lunch. The boys laughed and ribbed each other and stuffed down burgers, fries, and milkshakes. Lily absolutely loved it. She’d been concerned; Dean had had a rough couple of days after Shelby had shown up at their house. He’d clung to Tony for hours. If Tony wasn’t immediately available, he’d tried to hide his face against Lily and become invisible. For days, he barely slept and when he did manage to sleep, he was plagued with awful nightmares. But lots of cuddling and closeness had eventually made him feel better. He and his brothers had spent time swimming, watching movies, and staying up all night enjoying summer. Distraction had always been the best remedy for Dean, and everything had ultimately ended up just fine.

Lily was worried about Seth’s turn, though. This wasn’t a court date to determine visitation or anything else. This was an actual trial; the trial of the people who had known and allowed Seth and several other boys to be repeatedly beaten and raped over a period of several years. These were the people who had caused Seth to come to them a broken shell of a child. Lily tried to focus on everything that was going RIGHT with Seth. He spoke now. He participated in things at the community center. He had finished school with straight A’s and glowing reports from his teachers. He was caring, compassionate, and always very in tune to the feelings of others. He required considerably less therapy than he had when he first arrived. He was also very fearful still, though, and he still didn’t want to be near Tony if Lily or Roman wasn’t around. He had nightmares far less frequently but when they did plague him, they seemed to be worse. He was thriving; anyone could see that, and Lily was so proud of him. But she worried that having to relive everything that had happened in his past would cause substantial setbacks.

They discussed it at length, and met with the District Attorney, Rose Halstead, frequently. They knew that the defense attorneys would probably try and intimidate Seth and the other boys testifying, so they went over and over that all they had to do was tell the truth and everything would be fine. Seth seemed pretty okay with it.

But as the trial date neared, he started having trouble sleeping again. He’d wake up sobbing hysterically, screaming, clawing, until he was awake enough to realize he was in his own room safe. Tony tried to help, but his presence made Seth so much worse that Lily began just laying in Seth’s room every night, hoping to cut off some of his nightmares before they began. It didn’t really work, though, and that meant she was getting even less sleep than Seth was. They were both zombies during the day, though Lily continued to drag herself to work. While their parents were gone, Dean and Roman did what they could for Seth. Both of them still had court fresh in their minds, and they remembered how hard it was.

The night before Seth was scheduled to testify, he approached his parents and it was clear he’d been crying. They had been sitting on the couch together watching Mad Men, and they sat him down on the sofa between them. 

“What is it, bub?” Lily could practically feel Seth’s fear.

“Mama? Can Roman and Dean please come tomorrow? I...don’t know if I can do it without my whole family there…”

“Oh, Seth…” Lily began. “You are strong enough. But if you want your brothers there and it’s okay with them, I don’t see any reason why they can’t come. Do you Tony?”

Tony shrugged. 

“Not if that’s what you guys really want,” he replied.

“It is. They promised me...they said they’d be there for me,” Seth whispered. 

“You have good brothers, bub,” Lily murmured. 

“I know,” Seth was quiet for a moment.

“How are you feeling about it?” Tony asked him quietly.

“A little nervous. Scared. I don’t know...like, what if I can’t do it?”

“You can do it.”

“No but...like what if I can’t? What if I get up there and suddenly I can’t talk? If I can’t tell the truth, they’ll get away with it.”

“Then you look at me and Mama,” Tony said softly. “Or you look at Dean and Roman. We’ll help you feel stronger.”

Seth leaned heavily against Lily. He was shaking and pale. 

“Listen to me, bub,” she murmured. “You know they can’t hurt you right?”

The look in Seth’s eyes told her that no, he did not know that. She gathered him into her arms. It always kind of amazed Lily how small Seth could curl up; in the hospital when she’d first met him, he’d seemed much smaller than he actually was and she had been surprised the first time she’d seen him stand up. He was actually much taller than he appeared, and quite lanky. Proper nutrition and exercise had filled him out a bit, but Seth was destined to always be long and thin. 

Lily ran her fingers through his curls. 

“Listen to me,” she whispered. “They’ll be there. They can see you. You can see them. Know who else is gonna be there though?”

“Who?” Seth whispered back.

“Me. And Daddy. And lots and lots of other people and we are NOT going to let them hurt you anymore, Seth. And when it’s over, we’re going to bring you home and you won’t ever have to deal with them ever again. Okay?”

Seth snuggled up to his parents.

“Okay.”


	18. A Lesson in Brave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SIX new kudos after one chapter? Crazy! Continued thanks for the comments and kudos, folks. Glad you're enjoying! This one is a quickie, but we shall meet some new minor characters!

It was awful, but Seth did it. 

He did it even with the leers of the adults who allowed him to be hurt over and over burning his eyes. It was beyond scary having to look at the people who were once supposed to protect him knowing that instead they had allowed him to be hurt and been basically okay with it. But Seth was stronger now, and every time he began to tremble, his mother squeezed his hand. He remembered that she was there beside him, and he faced them.

He did it with some of his actual rapists in the courtroom. They had all been minors themselves when they’d hurt him and several other boys, and because they’d also been abused, they weren’t being tried as adults. Seeing them brought back memories Seth didn’t even remember he’d forgotten, but every time he started to panic, his father patted his shoulder, and Seth remembered that wasn’t his life anymore, and he was safe from all of that now.

He did it even though the defense attorneys tried to pick him apart on the stand. They continually asked him about his life before the group home, reminding him over and over that he’d been abused since toddlerhood. They questioned whether he was really telling the truth, or if it was just something his mind made up. They tried to force him to walk down the path of his early childhood, no matter how often the District Attorney objected. But every time Seth felt himself start to come unglued, he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and looked over at Roman and Dean. His brothers stared at him with determined looks and nodded encouragingly when they caught Seth’s eye. And Seth remembered that he had something to go home to now, and that they had been hurt too, and that healing together was an important thing. And Seth didn’t quit. He stayed calm and did what he needed to do.

When he was done with his testimony, the judge called a recess. Seth curled up in his parents’ arms and cried. But when court resumed, Seth sat tall between Lily and Tony, Roman and Dean. Safe in the center of his family, he watched the rest of the proceedings. And when a guilty verdict was finally read, Seth held his head high. He had done it.

They had a quiet celebration that night. His mother and father seemed to understand that Seth wouldn’t want to go out to dinner or anything like that, so instead they took him home. No one fussed over him or made a big deal. Instead Roman got out one of the big fleece blankets that their mother made and he, Dean, and Seth snuggled together under it and watched a movie. Seth leaned against Roman. Dean leaned against Seth. Their parents cooked Seth’s favorite meal for dinner, chicken piccata over pasta and roasted broccoli. He knew his mom peeked in on him occasionally, but he was content snuggled between his brothers. After they ate their parents let them swim for awhile, but before too long, Seth grew tired. He went in and took a nice long shower and curled up on his bed with Wyatt and a book. He’d been reading for awhile when his parents tapped his door. 

“You okay, Seth?” Tony asked him softly, as he and Lily entered his room and came to sit on his bed.

“Yeah...yeah. I guess I just...it doesn’t feel like it’s really over,” Seth whispered. 

“It’s been a long time coming,” his mother said. She offered her arms, and Seth gratefully crawled into them. Then, because he was feeling fragile and he knew she wouldn’t mind, he climbed onto her lap and pulled her hand to his hair. Ever since the day he’d met Roman at the hospital, his mother gently stroking his hair comforted Seth more than anything else. Right then, the fact that he was 13 years old meant nothing. He needed to decompress. His parents understood though. As Lily rocked him, Tony reached over and rubbed his back.

“You were really brave today, Seth,” Tony told him calmly. Seth shook his head.

“I guess. I didn’t feel brave. I was so scared, Daddy,” Seth mumbled.

“Bub...brave doesn’t mean you don’t get scared,” Lily soothed, still rocking him.

“It doesn’t?”

“No, sir,” Tony said. “Being brave means you do what’s right, even if it’s scary. You got scared and that’s okay. Believe me, Seth, we were scared too. But you didn’t back down and you didn’t give up. We’re proud of you, son. Because of you and a few other very brave boys, those people will never be allowed to harm another child. That’s something you get to own, buddy. That will always be yours, and the next time you feel scared about something, you can remember that if you were brave enough to face that, I think you could probably face about anything.”

“I couldn’t say it better, bub,” Lily said quietly into his ear. “My brave, strong little bub. You helped save people today, Seth. People who will never know it, because thanks to you, they’ll never have to. That is the epitome of bravery.”

Their words lifted Seth up. Lily and Tony stayed with him until he fell asleep, and when he woke up the next morning, he wasn’t at all surprised to wake up still wrapped in their arms. Seth had never felt so strong or so safe in his life.

 

____________________________________

 

With all of the rough stuff out of the way, the family took their final summer vacation to San Antonio to visit Lily’s family. The boys never tired of Schlitterbahn, so their parents got a multi-day family pass and they road water slides from morning until early afternoon, then went back to their grandparents’ house and rested, then went out to incredible restaurants at night. Lily had two older brothers, who were each married and had three children of their own. All nine cousins were born in about a six year span. The oldest was 16 and the youngest was 10, so they all got on fairly well together. As much fun as that was, the absolute best part was spending time with their grandparents.

Seth, Dean, and Roman absolutely LOVED Lily’s parents. They lived in an enormous house, and the pool in the backyard was the size of their kitchen at home. They had a game room in the basement with ping pong and pool and darts. Their grandparents, Nana and Granddad, routinely insisted that spoiling the children was their God-given right, so every time they came to visit, there were always presents. That wasn’t what the boys loved the most, though.

Lily’s father was a retired Air Force Colonel who’d made a fortune in oil and real estate, and her mother had come to the United States from Ireland shortly before Lily’s oldest brother, their uncle Thomas, was born. So sometimes in the evenings, Nana and Granddad would send Lily and Tony out on a date, and then they’d get the boys together and make popcorn and tell them stories. Old war stories (always embellished; they knew that, but they didn’t care); stories from Ireland; stories of their mother when she had been a child. They especially enjoyed the ones in which Nana went on about how Lily had been quite naughty.

“Oh, she was always doing something she shouldn’t,” Nana would laugh, her soft Irish accent more pronounced than ever. “She never cared to act ladylike or proper, not that we minded. She has two older brothers after all; her whole life was about keeping up with them. Why, one time, Thomas climbed a giant tree and then Shawn climbed it too. Well, your mama was not one to be left behind, because as far as she was concerned, she could do everything those boys could do only she could do it better. Then Thomas climbed down, and then Shawn climbed down, and then Lily realized she was still quite a bit smaller, so she screamed and howled up in that tree until Thomas climbed back up to get her.” 

“She was as stubborn as all get out,” Granddad chimed in. “You never could convince her otherwise once she’d decided on something. She was always bringing home anyone and anything that she thought could use some help. Dogs, cats, other people. Once your Nana came home and Lily had a homeless person she’d met in town sitting at the kitchen table while she fixed him a tuna sandwich. She said she’d wanted to help and she didn’t have any tuna with her, so she brought the man home. Actually, he cleaned up quite nicely. Turned out he’d fallen on hard times, and after I talked to him, I offered him a part time job scheduling real estate visits for my business, and now he’s quite successful.”

“She’d gone off to college and one weekend she came home ranting and raving about a gentleman she had met that she referred to as a ‘useless peabrain.’ My goodness, she went on and on about how he was stuck up, full of himself, and stubborn, and she was so mad because he’d gotten cast as the lead role in Phantom of the Opera, opposite her Christine. She said, ‘Mother, I just won’t do it. I just can’t do it. There is just no chance that I’m going to kiss this idiot, even if it IS acting.’ Oh, she was so angry.” Nana laughed. 

“Of course, he was no better,” Granddad picked the story up. “He was, from what we gathered, every bit as stubborn as she was and one day during rehearsal, he went ahead and kissed her anyway.”

“What happened?” Seth breathed. Of course, they all knew what happened; they’d heard the story a million times, but it never got old.

“Your mother slapped his face as hard as she could,” Nana was practically giddy. “She told that boy he’d better keep his ridiculous, slimy lips on his own ridiculous  
face.”

“I don’t know when she changed her mind,” Granddad added, “but a month or so later, that boy was calling me up, telling me he wanted to marry her. And when he asked her, she said yes.”

“Sometimes, you just know,” Nana added. “It took your mother a minute, but pretty quickly, she just knew. James! Get the wedding album!” 

They’d looked at the pictures of their parents almost 20 years ago, and then they looked at the ones that were more recent. Tony with his arms around Roman showing him how to aim a gun. Roman asleep on the couch with his arm around Honey Badger. Dean on his dirtbike. Roman and Dean burying Tony at the beach. Roman and Dean asleep on the couch together surrounded by Christmas wrapping. Roman curled up on the couch reading to Seth and Dean. The three of them looking over Seth’s broomstick on his birthday. 

“We always knew she was meant to have a house full of dogs and cats and kids,” their Nana told them softly. “And she waited much longer than her fair share of time to get that, but the three of you...the three of you are the most precious gift your mother and father could ever have asked for. They love you so much.”


	19. Overcome by Pride

School started back the end of August, and with it, football for Roman. Dean was proud of his brother, but he missed him terribly. 

For one, Roman was in high school now, which meant that Dean was now the oldest at Creek Ridge Middle School. Nevermind that Seth was in the same grade and even taking an advanced English course. Dean was still older, and that was a lot of responsibility. It was hard knowing that Roman wasn’t there if they needed him, although they had never actually needed him for anything regarding school the year before. That didn’t matter though; you just never knew when something might come up.

For another, Roman no longer rode the community center bus on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, nor did their mother pick him up on Mondays and Thursdays. He had football practice instead. Most Fridays Roman never even made it home before the games. The whole family went to every single home game, and quite a few of the away games, but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t that the games weren’t fun; they were great. Dean and Seth made signs for Roman, jumped around and screamed like loons, and gorged themselves on all the hotdogs and nachos they wanted. They just never actually got to spend any real time with Roman himself. Every time he took the field he’d find them in the stands and salute them, so they would know he’d found them. But he had to ride the football bus to and from the games, and he’d often not arrive home until long after Dean and Seth had gone to sleep.

Plus, he spent most of his Saturdays and Sundays catching up on missed school work. Dean was glad he loved football, but everything else about it sucked.

Dean tried to immerse himself in Motocross, practicing riding his bike on the track he and Tony had constructed. He tried to teach Seth how to ride, but that had been a disaster. He even tried doing his homework (he hated it, but his parents did have a few rules). The stress was starting to weigh on him. He couldn’t focus on anything. He began fidgeting almost constantly, and struggling to sleep. He didn’t know what to do. It felt like everything was spiraling out of control, but he didn’t know how to tell his parents.

Then one night, he woke up screaming uncontrollably. And he had no idea why. He couldn’t remember the nightmare, or if there had even been one. His mother got to him quickly and hugged him close, but Dean couldn’t be consoled. He tried to breathe. He tried to let Lily hold him and soothe him. But the anxiety felt like a heavy weight constricting him, and that made the panic even worse. It happened again the next night, and the next, each time getting worse and worse. By the fourth night, the sun was coming up by the time he fell back into a fitful, restless sleep.

The first thing Dean noticed when he woke up was that his room was full of sunlight. The second was that his father was stretched out beside him in his bed, his arm loosely draped across Dean’s side. The third was that the bedside clock read 11:22, which meant he wasn’t at school. Dean rolled onto his back and Tony stirred.

“Dad?” Dean whispered. His head felt like it had a cinder block sitting on top of it.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m here, buddy,” came Tony’s mumbled reply. Dean felt his father tighten his arm around his waist. 

“Why are we home? Am I sick?”

“Well...you tell me, Dean. You had quite a night last night.” Tony answered. 

“I didn’t...I don’t...I don’t know why that happened,” Dean responded softly. He really didn’t. To be honest, it scared him a little. Even Seth knew exactly why he woke up screaming, even if he didn’t want to talk about it afterwards. 

“Shh. It’s okay, buddy. You’re under a lot of stress lately, huh?” 

Dean wasn’t sure how his father knew that. It wasn’t like he made a habit of discussing it. But since it was out in the open, he decided not to lie.

“I guess. A little. I just...I just miss Roman. And school is getting harder, and I just want to ride my bike and forget about all of it, but I can’t concentrate. It’s like...like my brain won’t shut off. Is something wrong with me, Dad?” The words spilled out of Dean.

“Wrong with you? Nah. You’re a teenage boy with a lot going on and sometimes that’s a little hard. Sometimes you just need a little help. Dean...Mom and I talked this morning. We were thinking maybe it’s time for you to start seeing a counselor.”

“What? Why? No way!” Dean cried. “You just said there’s nothing wrong with me!”

“There’s not, buddy. Nothing at all. It isn’t about something being wrong with you, Dean. You’ve spent the last four nights terrified of something even you aren’t sure about. And look at you right now; I can tell you’re miserable. You’re exhausted, bud.”

“So what! I don’t want to...Daddy, please don’t make me…” Dean couldn’t help it; he started to cry. Tony hugged him tighter. 

“Look, Dean...let’s just relax for now okay? Mom will be home in just a little bit and we’ll sit down and talk. Everything is going to be fine, buddy. You hungry?”

Dean nodded; miserable or not, he was starving. 

Tony made them both huge ham sandwiches with lettuce, tomato, pickles, cheese, mayo, and lots of spicy mustard. Dean ate like it was the last time he was ever going to get the chance. They sat at the kitchen table together, eating, gently teasing each other, and then Dean heard the garage door open and the telltale sound of barking dogs. His mother was home.

“I suppose you think I need to be hauled off to the crazy doctor too?” The accusatory tone in Dean’s voice would have made Lily smile if he hadn’t been so serious.

“Ah. I see you went ahead and told him,” Lily raised an eyebrow at Tony. “That went well, I trust?”

“STOP making fun of me!” Dean wasn’t really angry, but he was more than a little annoyed. He hated when his parents made decisions for him, and it seemed like they were pretty set on this. 

“Sweetie. I’m sorry. I’m not making fun of you; we’re just...you know what? I’m going to go change into some actual clothes and take these heels off. Why don’t you and Daddy get us all something to drink and we’ll talk together okay?”

She heard Dean’s resigned sigh. 

“Fine. Just...fine.” He stalked to the kitchen.

 

__________________________________

 

Fifteen minutes later found the three of them sitting on the sofa together. Lily and Tony were drinking iced tea; Dean, a tangerine Gatorade. Lily ran her fingers through Dean’s hair. 

“I don’t know why it’s suddenly so hard,” Dean’s whispered confession came without any prying from his parents. “I don’t know why I keep waking up at night the way I do. I just...I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you tell us what you DO know?” Lily’s voice was soft. “Tell us what you’re feeling.”

“I---I miss Roman,” Dean began. “He’s never around anymore. I feel like I’m the oldest now and I hate it. School keeps getting harder. It’s like...it’s like no matter how hard I try to think about stuff, I can’t focus on it. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m stuck.”

“What do you feel like you’re stuck between, buddy?” Tony’s voice was as soft as Lily’s. Lily watched him squeeze Dean’s hand. 

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t---” Lily could feel Dean becoming anxious. She took his other hand and then rubbed his back.

“Dean. Sweetie. This is what we mean. You don’t have to feel stuck. This is why we think it might be good for you to talk to someone who can help you feel unstuck.”

“But why can’t you help me? Why do I have to talk to a stranger? Why is it such a big deal? Seth still wakes up screaming all the time!”

“And Seth goes to counseling, Dean, but that’s not the point. We’re not talking about Seth here. We’re talking about what is best for Dean.” Lily kissed his cheek. “Sweetie, what can it hurt? Just to try?”

“Yeah, buddy,” Tony spoke up. “Don’t you want some relief? There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Dean. We’re not ashamed of you. We’re very proud of you, and of everything you’ve already overcome. But it’s going to be a process, and part of growing up is accepting when you need a little more than what you’re getting and allowing it.”

Dean sighed again.

“Just to be clear, am I actually getting a choice here?” Lily and Tony looked at each other.

“You…” Lily chose her words carefully. Giving the boys the ammunition to make the right decisions was always so important to her and Tony, but this...this was not going to be negotiable. “Doing nothing to help you feel better is not a choice, no. This is the best suggestion that Daddy and I have. If you can think of a better one, we’ll  
be very happy to listen to what you have to say.”

“So you’re going to make me do this either way.” Dean sounded defeated.

“No. Of course not,” said Tony. “What we aren’t going to do is sit back and watch you hurt like this if there’s something we can try. And like Mom said, if you have a suggestion, just tell us. In the meantime, we have to do SOMETHING. You know?”

Dean just nodded. 

“Yeah…” Lily hugged him tight.

“Here’s the deal. You go for eight weeks. That’s just eight hours, sweetie, that’s not that much time. In eight weeks, if you’re feeling completely better or if you’re feeling like it hasn’t helped at all, we re-evaluate. What do you think?”

“I think it sucks,” Dean said softly. “But...I don’t have a better idea. And...and relief sounds good.” 

Tony smiled at him.

“I’m proud of you, son. I’m proud of you making a choice to try and help yourself feel better instead of allowing yourself to keep feeling worse.” 

Lily smiled too.

“Mom? Dad?” Dean asked softly. “Do we have to tell Roman and Seth?”

“That’s your call, sweetie,” Lily said.

“Well...maybe I might but...not yet. Okay?” 

“Okay, Dean. That’s okay.”

 

________________________________

 

Ten weeks later, Dean completed the agreed upon number of therapy sessions. He hadn’t managed to keep it a secret from Roman and Seth for very long, but as predicted, they’d been completely supportive. He’d begun sleeping better again, his confidence returned, and his grades even improved. However, the most impressive part was that when he was given the option of reconsidering counseling, he didn’t even hesitate to tell his parents that he wanted to keep going, because he wanted to keep getting better. Tony couldn’t remember a time when he was more proud. 

There was a lot to be proud of, actually.

The Creek Ridge Colts made it to the state championship. Roman was the only freshman on the team to play first string. The title game took place in Dallas the Saturday before Thanksgiving, so Lily and Tony opted to take the boys up for an extended weekend, before driving down to San Antonio for the holiday. Nana and Granddad drove up to surprise Roman. Everyone wore their Creek Ridge jerseys with “Reigns” printed on the back, and Dean and Seth made their trademark signs.

The game was incredible. Roman was amazing; the whole team played well, and the Colts won 38-7. Once the coach was done with the kids, they checked Roman out and Tony treated everyone to a nice dinner at McCormick and Schmick’s. The restaurant was at NorthPark Mall, so after eating, they let the boys wander around, and Tony and Lily joined arms and went for a little stroll themselves.

“You know, it’s past time to start talking about Christmas for the boys…” Lily said. Tony groaned.

It wasn’t that Tony didn’t like Christmas; he loved it. He loved picking a tree, decorating it together, making homemade eggnog (nonalcoholic for the boys, of course), and he absolutely loved the twinkle in his children’s eyes on Christmas morning. At 14, nearly 14, and 13, they were too old for Santa, but they still were just like little boys when they woke up December 25. The year before had been a little too much for Seth; he’d been completely overwhelmed. But he had come SO FAR since then that Tony was still pretty excited for the upcoming holiday.

Tony didn’t mind giving input for their gifts, either, but he absolutely hated Christmas shopping. Usually they just agreed on gifts for the boys and then Lily handled the rest, and they each decided what to get their own parents. Shopping for Lily was the hardest part. Anybody could buy a bunch of clothes, perfume, and all of that stuff, but Tony always wanted to get creative with Lily’s present, and he’d done such a good job in the years prior that he was running out of ideas. But he decided to worry about that later.

After Thanksgiving, the thing Tony was maybe the most proud of happened with Seth.

It had been over a year since Seth had joined the family, and the progress he’d made was incredible. He no longer hid from everything. He loved to participate in any activity Tony and his brothers invited him along on, and they spent all kinds of time together. Tony consistently told Seth how much he was loved and how proud he was of him. Seth was receptive and often even returned the sentiment. Considering in the beginning Tony hadn’t even been able to be in the same room as the boy, this all seemed positive and Tony was glad for it. The problem fell when Lily wasn’t around. 

If Lily was home, all was right in Seth’s world. He seemed happy and confident and was thrilled to play ball with the guys, or go fishing, or just hang out and talk about guy stuff. One Sunday morning, Lily had stood in the bathroom doorway and laughed when she realized that Tony and the boys were all standing in front of the mirror while Tony taught them to shave. Seth even didn’t mind when Tony heaped affection on him; he no longer shimmied away from a hug or a pat on the back. He still loved to be read to eventhough he was 13 years old and quite capable of reading to himself, and he liked it when Tony came into his room in the evenings and laid on his bed and read a few chapters of whatever the book du jour happened to be.

But if Lily wasn’t nearby, everything changed. Seth became sullen and anxious, often retiring to his bedroom to be by himself. If Tony tried to talk to him, he’d hide under his blankets and wait silently until he was left alone. Even Roman couldn’t coax him out. He seemed to be in a battle with himself; once Lily returned, Seth would often come out of hiding and come and sit next to Tony and lay his head on his shoulder, almost an unspoken apology. Tony always made sure to wait until Seth approached but then gently invited him in and gave him a gentle hug. Most of the time, Seth was content to just stay there, and every so often he fell asleep on his father. It definitely wasn’t that Seth didn’t like Tony or even that he didn’t love him; fear was the issue, without question. His team of therapists reassured Tony and Lily that this was okay. They said that what they really needed to focus on was the positive things and the steps forward, because eventually Seth would get there. Tony knew that and he had all the time and patience in the world, but it hurt him to see Seth afraid, and it really hurt him to know that he was the one Seth was afraid of.

Plus, he really really wanted to take the boys camping over spring break, and where they were at right now, there was just no way. He knew he could make the offer and allow Seth to decline, and just take Roman and Dean, but he wanted all of his boys there, and Lily deserved some quiet time.

Knowing all of this, Tony was proud when Seth approached him after Thanksgiving and asked for help with a school project. Lily was always the go-to for school stuff, since Tony was often out of town and not able to be much help anyway. But Seth clearly wanted his father’s help for this. 

“It’s the science fair, Dad. I want to think of something really awesome, but I don’t even have a good idea. Will you help me?” 

Of course Tony would help him. Tony would have shot the moon for that boy.

For three nights, the two of them spent hours pouring over the Internet. Seth was determined to find something that no one else would think of. Finally, he settled on using mechanical parts and Legos to construct a small robot that could detect carbon monoxide and move to wherever in someone’s home that the fumes were the strongest. Tony was impressed. He knew there were carbon monoxide detectors available, and he knew that most people only had one, so the gas would have to reach it before it would go off and warn them. If the robot could detect it and find it early, it could keep people from getting sick. So the first thing they did was go to Lowe’s and buy an inexpensive detector so that Seth could take it apart. 

Every night they worked diligently. They constructed the robot, or rather Seth did; Tony was there to advise, but Seth did the majority of the work. Tony couldn’t believe how good Seth was at thinking all of these things through. He did love to tinker with stuff though. It occurred to Tony that he needed to do stuff like this with Seth more often. Not only did he want to build up Seth’s trust...he was also legitimately enjoying himself. 

Seth’s project took first place at the fair. No one was shocked by this. Tony, once again, was so proud of his boy. When Seth stepped forward to accept his award, no on in the room was clapping harder than Tony.

That year, Tony went out to the Lego Store and bought a Christmas present for Seth himself: Hogwarts Castle. And Lily was more than thrilled with the beautiful mother’s necklace that he had crafted with the words Kiddo, Sweetie, and Bub etched into it, along with each of the boys’ birthstones.


	20. The Camping Conundrum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1,500+ hits? Awww, yeah! Double chapter, since I can hardly contain my excitement!

Roman and his brothers were pretty excited when their father bought them a tent. He wanted to go camping soon, he explained, and he figured it might be good to start out by sleeping in the backyard to try it out. Roman had no arguments. He’d always wanted to go camping, and so had Dean. Seth...well, Seth was a little more reserved about it, but one thing Roman loved about Seth was that he was always willing to at least TRY a new experience, even if he was uncomfortable with the idea in the beginning. Sometimes it worked; sometimes it didn’t, but the main thing was he made an effort. Roman knew that when it came to camping, Seth’s biggest worry was being away from Lily overnight. Lily was rarely apart from them. Dean and Roman had spent the night at friends’ houses and even spent a week in San Antonio with Nana and Granddad one summer while Lily and Tony had stayed back in Houston working. Roman suspected they’d had a good time on their own, though Dean insisted they must’ve been bored out of their minds without their boys to keep them entertained. 

Seth had never, ever spent the night away from Lily, though. He rarely needed her at night anymore, but the idea that she wouldn’t be there if he DID---Roman knew it overwhelmed him. He figured it’d be okay so long as he was there too though. The first attempt at sleeping outdoors ended with Seth creeping back into the house in the middle of the night. Tony woke up to a text from Lily that said “I’ve got bub” and they realized that Seth was indeed no longer in the tent. 

“I got cold,” Seth had muttered when they asked him about it, staring down at his feet with an unreadable expression. This excuse was unlikely; it was in the low 40’s outside at night, sure, but they’d been under a pile of thermal blankets and Seth had been sharing an air mattress with Dean.

Dean and Roman had a blast, though. So a few weeks later they did it again, this time going into the woods a ways before setting up camp. The second time, Seth didn’t go at all, but when they came back, he’d looked forlorn when Dean and Roman went on and on about how much fun it was. It hadn’t occurred to Roman that maybe Seth really did want to participate and just couldn't bring himself to do it, but after seeing the look on his face---Roman sat him down so they could have a talk.

“You can come with us. It’s okay,” Roman said calmly to his little brother. Seth tensed and his gaze immediately fell to the floor.

“I didn’t feel like---” Seth began but Roman didn’t let him finish.

“Seth. Look. It’s okay; it’s hard, I get it. But I’m going to be there too and you’ll be okay. You will, honest. It’s so much fun, Seth. Just...just give it a try, okay? If you stay all night and you hate it, then when we go to a real campsite no one will mess with you if you want to stay home.”

Seth sighed.

“Okay. Next time I’ll go.”

“Don’t go because I want you to go, dude. If you don’t want to, you don’t want to. I just don’t think you know what you’re missing. Think about it. That’s all I’m asking,” Roman didn’t want to pressure his brother, but they weren’t Roman, Dean, and Seth without Seth.

 

________________________________

 

Seth thought about it. He thought about it some more. And then, just for good measure, he thought about it again. 

He discussed it in counseling. He wrote about it for an English assignment. And when he was tired of waffling, he decided to talk to his mother.

“What’s up, bub?” Lily was in the kitchen peeling potatoes to mash for dinner. 

“Nothing. What’s for dinner?” Seth waited to broach the subject.

“Baked fried chicken, green beans, mashed potatoes and gravy, and biscuits,” Lily replied. Seth’s mouth watered.

“How can chicken be both baked and fried?” 

“It’s breaded like fried chicken, but I cook it in the oven instead of in oil. I think it tastes better. Want to help?”

Seth loved to help cook. He was getting really good at it, too. Plus, it gave his hands something to do while he talked to his mom. Lily handed him a potato. 

“Mom?”

“Yeah, my love?” Lily continued to peel, but listened intently.

“Do you ever just want a break?”

“A break from?”

“Us.”

Lily set her potato down and turned to Seth.

“I’m not sure what you’re asking me, bub,” she answered.

“Because you’re never gone or anything. Dad goes away on business a lot, but you’ve never taken a trip or anything like that.”

“Bub, are you asking me if I’m tired of you?” There was confusion in her eyes.

“No. Yes. I don’t...maybe. I don’t know. I’m just asking if you ever want a break from me.”

“Why on earth would you think that, Seth Rollins?” His mother sounded incredulous.

“Because...because I’m...I’m not normal. Not like Dean and Roman. You always have to be with me, and I was just wondering whether...you know.”

“Oh bub. Oh Seth. Come here.” Lily wrapped Seth into the tightest embrace he ever remembered receiving. 

“Come here, bub. Let’s talk.” Seth let his mother guide him to the living room, where she pulled him down onto her lap in the recliner. Her grip on him never softened. Seth felt himself curling up in her arms. Despite his long, lanky body, Seth was still the smallest of the three boys, and he fit in against his mom pretty perfectly. 

“Okay. Where is this coming from, Seth?”

“I just...you’ve been with me every single night since I came home,” Seth began.

“I know that. So?”

“So that’s a lot of nights, Mama.”

“Maybe. But part of being a mother is being there for my boys.”

“Except Roman and Dean don’t get nervous if they have to stay with Dad,” Seth whispered.

“Baby boy,” Lily began slowly. “Your dad and I know---we’ve known from the very beginning---that it was going to take a very long time, maybe even years, for you to be completely comfortable with him. And we knew that while we work on it, I’ll be the one to take care of some of the stuff you need. We knew what we were getting when we opened the box, Seth. We knew exactly who we were getting. We chose you anyway because we’re okay with it. So to answer your question, no. I do not want a break from you. I want you to grow and be healthy and happy and strong, and I want to be by your side to help you get there. And it doesn’t matter how long that takes. Nor does it matter if it’s you; I feel the same way about your brothers.”

It took a minute for Seth to respond, because he was so overcome with love for his mother that he didn’t know what to say. The he answered,

“I want to go camping with Dad and Roman and Dean, Mama. I’m tired of being scared. But I don’t know what to do.”

“Seth, you know Dad wants you to come with them but he’s not going to have any fun if you don’t. If you want to go you should go, but you can’t do it for him, baby.”

“I know…”

“Seth? Let me ask you something. What’s the worst thing that will happen if you go with them?”

Seth sighed.

“I don’t know, Mom. I guess I just...need to try it. Right?”

“It sounds like you want to. But like I said, Sethie, you have to do it because it’s something you want. Not for Daddy or the boys. Or me. For you.”

“I guess. Mom? What WOULD you do if you had a whole weekend without us?”

“Oh...I don’t know. There honestly isn’t anything I can do without you guys that I couldn’t do with you here. Though a few of my girlfriends do keep on me to go to a spa in Dallas with them, so maybe I’d do that. I really don’t know. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a girls’ night out. That’s not because of you, though. That’s been since before Dean.”

“Maybe you should do that,” Seth said slowly. “Otherwise you’d be all alone in this big house. I wouldn’t want to think of you all alone…”

“Then maybe I will. You know. So that you don’t have to worry about me.” 

“Hey MOM!” Dean’s voice cut through their discussion. “What’s for dinner! I’m starving!”

Lily looked at Seth and winked; dinner had gone completely forgotten while they’d been sitting there together. She kissed Seth’s forehead.

“Order pizza!” Lily called back to Dean. “Any kind you want. Tell Daddy I had better things to do than cook tonight!”

She kissed Seth’s forehead again.

“I love you, bub. You don’t even know how much.”

Seth knew though. He knew exactly how much, and he loved her back tenfold.

 

________________________________

 

On the third attempt, Seth joined Roman, Dean, and Tony in the woods. He did great. He slept all night and seemed to enjoy everything they did. Roman was proud and told his brother so. Seth just blushed. 

Over spring break, they loaded all of their equipment into the back of the Escalade. There was the tent, air mattresses, a charcoal grill, blankets, water, coolers of food, duffel bags of extra clothes, and everything else Tony could think of. They drove out east of Dallas to a campsite with a lake and lots of hiking trails. As soon as they got there and finished pitching the tent, they all went down to the dock and fished. It was awesome; no one caught much, but the goofing off, horsing around, and just general guy time was way fun. Even Seth seemed completely content. 

The first night, Tony built a fire while the boys rounded up four long sticks. He showed them how to roast a marshmallow over the open flame and then create a deliciously sticky s’more. They all went to bed with gooey faces, full bellies, and happy hearts. 

The next morning it rained. 

It was okay; the tent repelled water, but it prevented them from spending much time outdoors and the thunder didn’t do a whole lot for Seth’s morale, or Dean’s either, for that matter. Plus, while the tent kept out the rain, it didn’t do much to keep the damp chill at bay. However, Tony broke out the decks of cards and they spent the morning playing 500, gin rummy, and Spite & Malice, and actually had a pretty good time. The rain stopped and the sun came up by noon, so they soon shed their sweats and hoodies and donned sunscreen, and went on a long hike. They saw several deer and came across a creek with a dam across it that could only be from a beaver. Then Dean saw one swimming around, and all three boys squealed with delight. They took off their shoes and waded in just a little, then began splashing each other until they were all good and soaked. Then they headed back to camp.

The campsite had community showers, so they bathed (Seth as quickly as humanly possible) and got into dry clothes, before returning to camp, where Tony grilled hamburgers and baked beans on the charcoal grill. They feasted, complete with more s’mores, before getting the blankets out, sitting around the campfire, and telling ridiculous ghost stories, the kind that are more silly than scary. When they ran out of those, they just talked about life. Tony asked them where they’d like to take vacations that summer.

“Galveston!” Seth spoke up immediately. Tony laughed.

“You get a mulligan there, buddy. Galveston is a given. We share that house after all. It’ll be nice this summer, not to have to schedule everything around court. Where else would you guys like to go? If you could go anywhere?”

“Maybe...maybe Florida?” Dean wondered.

“Florida’s on the table,” Tony grinned. “I know you guys are a little old for Disney but Mom and I were thinking about the Universal Orlando Resort. The only thing is, summer’s kind of a bad time for that so we basically figured on going there over Christmas break.”

Seth breathed in sharply.

“But...they have...the Wizarding World of Harry Potter!” He grinned, and Tony grinned back.

“I know. That’s not an accident, buddy. But back to summer, now. You guys are killing me. Where’s someplace you’ve always wanted to go?”

“Ummm…” Roman was stumped. “California?”

“Got plans for that too, but not this summer. I’ll give you a clue; there’s a certain ballpark you’ve all said you want to---”

Tony didn’t get to finish his sentence, as all three boys shouted “Chicago!”

Their dad laughed.

“That’s right. We’re going to take a vacation to Chicago as soon as school is out. Cubs tickets, Navy Pier, Lake Michigan, and anything else you can think of.”

The boys were ecstatic; they’d all been jonesing for a trip to Wrigley Field. They knew it was one of their mother’s favorite places of all time. That night, they slept soundly, and when they woke up they were happy. They went fishing again, and had a little more luck, though they threw everything back. Unfortunately, another storm rolled in around 3, and it didn’t show any signs of letting up. Seth hid under the blankets on the air mattress with Dean, as Roman rubbed both their backs and tried to comfort them. Tony kept looking out the tent. It was absolutely pouring outside. Roman could see his father was thinking hard. Then he came and sat on the other air mattress across from them.

“Okay, guys,” he began. “It’s decision time.”

“What decision,” came Dean’s muffled response from under the blanket. Just then a loud clap of thunder made Seth squeal. Roman doubled his efforts to soothe his brother.

“We can wait this out, but radar says it’s going to go on for quite awhile. We can pile into the Escalade and try to wait it out there. Or...we could load up and go find a hotel…”

“Dad, isn’t that kind of copping out?” Roman wanted to know.

“Oh, it’s totally copping out, but let’s be real. We can only play so many cards, Dean and Seth are scared, we’re all kind of miserable, and we can’t cook anything if we  
can’t start the grill. So I’m kind of okay with copping out, bud. What do you guys think?”

Seth’s trembling pretty much spoke for him, Dean muttered his agreement, and Roman nodded his head. Tony grinned.

“It’s unanimous, then. Come on, Men. Let’s flatten the air mattresses. I’ll back the Escalade up as close as I can and we’ll start packing it up. Stuff whatever you can into your bags, okay?”

They ended up driving all the way into Dallas, and getting two rooms at the Embassy Suites in Frisco. The day after they arrived, they called Lily and asked her to drive up and join them. As fun as it had been roughing it with their dad, they all agreed that spending some family time in Dallas was pretty fun too, and none of the three boys argued when Tony proclaimed that next time they decided to get back to nature, he was going to rent a camper.

 

_____________________________

 

Eventhough the camping trip hadn’t gone exactly according to plan, Seth really enjoyed it, and he was pleased that he had made it several nights without his mother and absolutely nothing bad had happened. He knew his dad was proud too because when he’d left on Sunday for Washington, he’d pulled Seth aside and offered a hug.

“You did good, bub,” he had said. It made Seth happy.

Seth was thinking about all of this as he made his way along a path through the woods with Wyatt the next day. There was still one more week of spring break, and Seth intended to fully enjoy it. Dean and Roman were about 200 yards ahead of him, and they had already crossed a low, small bridge over a creek when Seth arrived at it. Seth hopped up and began to dart across---when his left leg crashed through it, causing his arm to slide through as well when he fell. 

Seth was beyond stuck. His leg was down so low he could feel the water touching the tip of his left sneaker. His right arm and leg were flat to the bridge, and he had no room to maneuver. He hollered for Roman and Dean, but they were far enough ahead that they couldn’t quite hear him. So Seth braced himself against the bridge and slowly managed to pull his arm back up. Once it was free, Seth flexed it. It didn’t seem injured. His relief was short-lived, though, when he realized that there, just below his elbow, was a massive black widow spider.

Seth shrieked and waved his arm around. The spider went flying, but Seth had no idea where it landed. He was freaking out now, screaming bloody murder for his brothers and doing a good job of scraping up his leg. As he pulled, he noticed another hideous widow, or maybe it was the same one, clinging to his lower leg. He frantically tried to shake it, but he could barely move. Just then strong hands grabbed him under his arms  
and he felt himself be lifted straight up. He was spun around and found himself staring into Roman’s blue-grey eyes. Seth flung himself into his brother’s arms. Roman looked Seth over.

“Come on, little brother,” Roman said softly. “Let’s go back home so I can doctor your leg. Mom’s gonna kill us.”

Seth looked down. From his thigh to his ankle, his left leg was scraped and bleeding. At the top of the wound, a ring of scraped skin from where he had struggled in the hole was also bleeding and dirty. Spiders forgotten, Seth limped after Roman back to the house.

Dean came racing up on his bike moments later. 

“Oh good, you found him! What happened, Seth? We heard you screaming but we weren’t sure where you---fuck, man, what happened to your leg?”

Seth knew he was a miserable mess; his entire leg throbbed painfully, which made it difficult to walk. He dripped blood in a trail after him. Roman was right; their mom was going to be mad. When they got to the back porch, Roman began to strip Seth of his shirt, and as he did, he leaped back with a yell.

A third black widow, even bigger than the first two, came crawling out of Seth’s t-shirt.

Dean helpfully squashed it, then nearly gagged at the mess it made. 

“Seth, dude, let me see. Did it bite you?” Roman began inspecting Seth’s midsection. Seth shrugged. Right then he didn’t really care; he knew widows were venomous, but he was already in agonizing pain from his scraped up arm and leg. 

“Let me know if you start to feel funny. Okay?” Roman demanded, and Seth nodded. Roman told Dean to go get some clean towels from the laundry room, and then he wrapped one around Seth’s bleeding leg. 

“Come on,” he said soothingly to his brother. “Let’s get you to the bathroom.”

Roman put Seth into the shower first, instructing him to wash his hair and rinse all the dirt off. Once he was done, Roman sat on the edge of the tub and washed Seth’s wounds with soap and water. It burned terribly, and Seth fought to keep the tears in his eyes from overflowing. While Roman helped him clean up, Dean searched their parents’ medicine cabinet and came into their bathroom with spray antiseptic and a large roll of soft gauze. Roman carefully dried Seth’s arm and leg first, then sprayed some antiseptic onto the scrapes. It stung, but Seth managed not to cry out. Roman’s hands were gentle as he wrapped the gauze over the spray. He helped Seth to his room and helped him in to some loose basketball shorts, then helped him out to the couch. Dean was on the phone with their mother at that point.

“No, Roman did that already. No, we did that already too. And that. And that. And---Mom, quit gushing, we know what to do in an emergency---Tylenol? Okay. How many can he take? Yeah. Yeah, okay, sounds good. You are? I’ll ask them.”

Dean turned to his brothers.

“Mom says we’ve done everything right, and to give Seth some Tylenol and put ice on his leg and arm, and do we want anything from Panera? She’s leaving the office soon.”

“Broccoli soup” Seth said at the exact time Roman muttered, “Bacon turkey Bravo.” 

Dean continued to talk to their mother while Roman began making ice bags wrapped in plenty of towels and applying them over Seth’s bandages. Dean came back and offered Seth two Tylenol and a glass of water. He took them gratefully. 

Everything still hurt, but just knowing that he was safe with his big brothers helped Seth immensely. He rested his head on a pillow and closed his eyes and waited for their mother to come home. Eventually he dozed off, though he couldn’t have slept long, and the next thing he knew, his mom was kneeling at his side.

“Oh, Sethie,” she murmured. He couldn’t help himself; he began to cry then. She helped him sit up and gently cradled him against her. 

“Are you hurting a lot, bub?” Lily rubbed his back slowly and Seth considered the question. 

“About...about a six, I guess,” he finally answered. 

“Okay,” Lily didn’t stop rubbing his back. “Let’s go into the kitchen and have some lunch and afterwards I’ll take a look, okay?” Seth just nodded.

He ate his soup silently, listening to the conversation going on but not joining in. He felt tired and sore, and whether or not Dean needed new sneakers already didn’t really matter to him. After awhile his mother looked over at him.

“You okay, bub?” Lily asked him softly.

“I’m just...tired. And it hurts,” Seth muttered miserably.

“Okay. Come on. Let’s go to your bedroom and have a look.” 

Seth sighed.

“Okay.”

Lily guided him to his bed and laid a few towels down before helping him lay down and unwrapping the gauze. She inspected the scrapes gently.

“Roman did a good job of wrapping these,” she commented.

“Roman washed them in the shower and wrapped them up. Dean found the spray and the gauze and he gave me Tylenol,” Seth informed her.

“They both did good. What did he wash it with?”

“Soap and water. Whatever’s in there. Ivory, maybe.”

“Well, bub, I have to admit, you guys handled this as well as I would’ve. I’m proud of all three of you. I’m gonna spray the spray again, and I want you to lay down for awhile. Let your leg get some air and you get some rest.”

“Will you lay with me?” 

“Sure. Wanna watch a movie?”

“Okay.” Seth snuggled against his mother. He was feeling comfortable and sleepy as she wrapped an arm around him gently. As he dozed in and out, he completely forgot to tell her about the spiders.

Seth’s whole body was sore when he woke up the next morning. His head hurt too. He had relaxed all afternoon the day before, and his mother had re-wrapped his leg before he went to bed, where he slept fairly well, but the next morning, everything just ached. He groaned as he tried to move. Overcome by his aching body, he flopped back against the pillows and called for his mother. He got Dean instead. His brother appeared in the doorway.

“Mom went to work, Seth. She gave us a list of things to do when you wake up. Does it hurt?”

Seth nodded. 

“I’m so stiff,” he whispered. “It’s hard to move.”

Dean sat next to him and helped him sit up. 

“She said since you fell pretty hard, you might be sore. She said to give you more Tylenol with breakfast and just relax today. And alternate ice and heat. So Roman and I were thinking---wanna get out the air mattresses, make a fort, and have a Harry Potter movie marathon?”

That sounded fine to Seth; he had to admit, he was thankful for how his brothers seemed content to take care of him. Dean helped him to his feet and to the kitchen, where Roman was taking a pan of pizza rolls out of the oven. Seth raised his eyebrows.

Roman grinned.

“I tried scrambled eggs, but they burned,” he explained. 

After breakfast, Dean and Roman put together the air mattresses and constructed a fort of blankets, then ran a heating pad into it and coaxed Seth inside. Despite the pain he was in, he curled up with the warmth of the heating pad on his leg and found a comfy spot. Roman laid right behind him and Dean threw a blanket over them. Seth was warm, comfortable, and safe. It didn’t take long for him to doze off. 

He woke up with a terrible headache. Dean was gone. Roman was still nestled in the blanket cocoon with him, reading. Seth’s whole body was still sore and cramping, but the heating pad was definitely helping. He whimpered a little as he tried to turn towards his brother.

“Just lay still,” Roman put his book down and wrapped his arm around Seth. “Feeling okay?”

“Head hurts. Sore,” mumbled Seth. Roman looked down at him. 

“Want more Tylenol?” Roman asked and Seth nodded.

“Dean! More Tylenol!” Roman called. Dean showed up at the opening of the fort. 

“Seth? Doing okay?” He handed the pill bottle to Roman, who got two pills out and offered them to Seth with more water. Seth swallowed the medicine and snuggled down into his nest again.

“Mom will be home soon,” Roman patted Seth’s shoulder.

“I thought she had to work until 5,” Seth groggily replied.

“She did. You’ve been asleep all day,” Roman informed him. Seth groaned.

“Seth...are you sure you’re okay?” Dean’s voice now, concerned and caring. Seth considered the question. His head was pounding. Although the heating pad was helping with overall achiness, he was still sore. And his left arm...he was beginning to think he’d sprained it when he fell yesterday and it went through the bridge. Pain burned up and down and it was hard to bend his elbow. Seth felt Roman’s hand smooth up over his side, under his t-shirt, and he winced when his brother hit a tender area there as well. Roman pulled his shirt up and cursed softly under his breath.

“Seth? Did you tell Mom about the spider?”

It took Seth a moment to register what Roman was even talking about.

“No, I...I forgot all about that. Why?” Seth asked.

“Because,” said Roman slowly, “I think you have a bite.”

 

_____________________________

 

Dean met Lily at the door when she came home. 

“Mom! You gotta look at Seth! I think a spider laid eggs in his stomach!” 

Lily rolled her eyes at her middle son.

“Laid eggs in his---Dean? Don’t you think maybe you’re being a tad dramatic?”

“No way, Mom! He had a black widow there yesterday and now he’s got a big white lump and it’s red all down the---” Lily interrupted Dean before he could finish.

“What? He had a black widow on him?”

“Yeah, when we pulled him out of the bridge and brought him back, Roman was looking at his leg and a HUGE black widow crawled out of his shirt. I squished it. That was gross,” said Dean helpfully.

Lily tried to bite back her impatience.

“Was anyone planning on telling me this?”

“I’m telling you now, and anyway, I didn’t know Seth didn’t tell you already until a little bit ago.”

Lily heaved a huge sigh.

“Well, let’s take a look.”

Dean led Lily into the living room, where she had to admit, she was impressed by the fort Dean and Roman had made to help keep their little brother comfortable and feeling safe. She could see Roman and Seth inside. Seth was flushed and shaking, and Lily realized with a sinking feeling that he even looked feverish. She kicked her shoes off and knelt down, and brushed her hand over Seth’s forehead. She didn’t need a thermometer to know that her baby was roasting, but she asked Dean to grab one anyway. 

“Bub,” she murmured quietly. Seth turned to look up at her.

“It hurts, Mommy,” his voice was barely a whisper, yet it still held a note of desperation. 

“I know it does, baby. Can you come out of there? We’ll make it better.”

Seth attempted to get to his knees, but between dizziness and the unevenness of the air mattress, he ended up falling out of the fort instead. He landed on both hands, and cried out as his left arm buckled under his weight. Tears welled up in his eyes. Dean and Roman helped their brother stand, and led him to the couch. 

“Did you hurt your arm too?” Lily asked him softly.

“It’s really sore,” Seth whimpered. “I think I sprained it when I fell through the bridge.”

“Okay. I’ll take a look at that in a minute. How about your leg, baby? How’s that feeling?”

“Better. The heating pad helped.” Dean returned with the thermometer and Lily stuck it under Seth’s tongue. While they waited, she lifted up his shirt. What she saw made her cringe.

Above Seth’s left hip, there was a lump the size of a quarter. It was white, except for two tiny red dots at the top. A red ring formed around the bottom of the lump, and the redness spread in angry streaks in all directions. There was swelling too. It did indeed look like a spider bite. Lily rested hand an inch or so away from it, and Seth flinched. She could feel the lump radiating heat. Then the thermometer beeped. Lily looked at it; Seth’s temperature was 102.8.

“Okay. I think we need to get you to the ER, bub.” Lily went to stand up, but Seth grabbed her.

“No. No, Mama, please, no doctors. Please.” 

Lily felt her heart drop; she knew how her son felt about being touched by strangers but this didn’t look good. It didn’t look good at all. 

“Baby,” she began. “We need to get you some medicine so you’ll feel better...come on, Sethie. It’s going to be okay.”

“I want Dean and Roman,” Seth began to cry in earnest now. “And I want Daddy.”

“It’s okay, Seth. Dean and I will come,” Roman didn’t even bother to get his mother’s confirmation on this; his brother needed him and he wasn’t going to let Seth down.

Lily’s first instinct was to tell Roman that no, he and Dean needed to stay home, but then she glanced at Seth. Dean was sitting on the floor in front of him holding his hand and talking to him. It wasn’t often that Dean stepped in to the role as protector, so Lily knew Seth must really need him. It also occurred to Lily that Seth may well be admitted for observation, and she wasn’t willing to leave her two oldest all alone overnight. So rather than argue, she pulled Roman aside.

“Look...I want you and Dean to go. I don’t want to upset Seth, but I need you to do something for me. Get your duffel bag. Get some overnight clothes and something comfy for tomorrow for each of you. And deodorant and that stuff. Just in case.”

Roman’s eyes grew wide.

“You think he’ll have to stay in the hospital?”

“I don’t know, Ro. But that bite looks pretty bad and since he’s got a fever, it wouldn’t surprise me. Maybe not. But I think it’s better to be prepared.”

“Okay. I’ll get stuff together. Should I bring him some books?”

Lily smiled.

“I think you’d better. He and I have been reading The Deathly Hallows.”

“Again?” Roman questioned. “He’s got to have read it five times by now…”

“Seven,” Lily replied, and Roman laughed.

“He and I are reading A Storm of Swords,” Roman told Lily. “He wants to get through the whole series before summer break. And Dean even likes those; he’ll listen for a long time.”

Lily kissed Roman’s cheek.

“I love you, kiddo,” she whispered. “Go get that stuff huh?” 

Roman nodded, and Lily went into her own room to throw some clothes and toiletries in a bag. She’d just about finished when she heard Dean calling her frantically.

“Mom? Mom! Come quick!”

Lily ran to the living room faster than she even thought possible. Seth’s face was pale and he was shivering violently. She dropped to her knees beside Dean, who’s face was stricken. 

“What is it, sweetie? What’s wrong?”

Dean looked at Lily, fear etched in his face.

“He just told me I have bugs crawling all over my face,” Dean whispered. “And...Mama? I think I found another bite.”


	21. The Choice

Dean lifted the sleeve of Seth’s shirt and low and behold, there was another raised white hill of infected flesh, the base of this one every bit as angry and red as the one on Seth’s side. Lily shivered; venom from one widow was bad enough but two? Then another thought seized her---what if he had more than two bites? She didn’t want to strip him down right there, figuring they’d look in the emergency room too and that would upset Seth enough. Instead, she instructed Dean to get her two ice packs, then get her bag and put it in the trunk. She pressed the cold packs to the bites, and Seth groaned.

“Mama...I just feel worse,” he moaned. “Make it go away, Mama.”

“Shhh...bub. It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay. We’re going to go to the doctor. Can you walk?”

“I dunno…” Seth’s words were slightly slurred. He certainly did seem to be getting worse, and Lily wasn’t sure she could carry him. 

Roman’s voice came from behind Lily.

“Come on, Seth. I’ll help you.” Roman wrapped an arm around Seth’s waist and gently lifted him to his feet. Lily grabbed a blanket off the sofa and followed behind Roman and Seth. Dean met them in the garage. Roman crawled into the Highlander and tried to help Seth settle, but he whimpered and gazed at his brother with pleading eyes. Roman understood and drew Seth into his arms and cradled him. Lily tucked the blanket around them, and Dean opted to squeeze into the backseat as well.

Lily drove faster than she should have, but she didn’t care. She knew that dying from a spider bite was incredibly rare, but she also knew that the treatment could be brutal and her baby was already miserable. She looked in the rearview mirror. Roman was cradling Seth’s upper body in his arms. Dean had rested Seth’s legs on his lap and was leaning his head against Roman’s shoulder. Seth appeared to be asleep. He was still shivering, though. Lily sighed and prayed that the emergency room wouldn’t be busy and he could be seen right away. She mentally kicked herself for not contacting Dr. Enderle and asking him to make the ER aware that they were coming.

When they arrived, Lily parked as close to the door as she could. She didn’t want to leave the boys alone to go move the car. Roman practically carried Seth into the hospital; he was getting weaker. Dean watched the whole thing with a terrified look on his face. Lily wrapped her arm around him as they walked in.

“He’s gonna be fine, kiddo. Okay?” Dean nodded but didn’t speak.

The nurse at the front desk took one look at poor Seth and took them back to a small room so that he could lay down while they waited for him to be seen. Seth was frightened, begging his mother to hold him, so she pulled a chair close to his bed, wrapped her arms around Seth, and cuddled him against her while she filled out papers. He continued to tremble, and Lily could feel the heat of his fever. She couldn’t decide if his breathing seemed shallow, or if it was just from his fear, or if she was just paranoid, but she didn’t like it. After what seemed like hours, a nurse came to get them and take Seth into an exam room. 

“You two will have to wait in the waiting room,” she said, addressing Roman and Dean. Seth began to cry.

“Please...I want my brothers,” he moaned.

“I’m sorry,” the nurse said, though she didn’t sound at all sorry. “While you’re being examined, they have to wait.”

Seth continued to cry as they moved him to an exam room. A second nurse joined them. She took one look at the bites on Seth’s arm and torso and paged a doctor. Things started to move quickly after that.

A doctor showed up almost immediately, just as the first nurse finished taking Seth’s blood pressure---187/111, which was really high, especially for an otherwise  
healthy teenager. The doctor, Dr. Huggins, took a Sharpie and drew a circle around each of the bites. Seth stopped crying and watched cautiously.

“What are those for?”

Dr. Huggins smiled at Seth and Lily instantly liked her. 

“This is the fastest way to measure if the swelling keeps growing,” she answered. “I’ll look again in an hour or so and see if it’s on the outside of the circle. Tell me what happened, Seth. You’ve got some nasty bites here.”

Seth went through the whole ordeal, his words still slurring occasionally, and he kept having to pause, as though he wasn’t sure what came next. Then he went completely silent as he stared at the doctor, and his next words chilled Lily to the bone.

“Do you know,” Seth said to Dr. Huggins, “that I can see your bones under your skin?”

Then he turned to Lily.

“Mommy, it hurts,” he moaned. “It hurts like a 9, Mommy. Please make it stop!”

Dr. Huggins looked at Lily. 

“Hurts like a 9?”

“We always ask the boys on a scale of 1-10, how bad does it hurt? A 9 is...he’s in a lot of pain.”

“Well, here’s the first plan of action,” Dr. Huggins said. “We need to determine that they’re for sure widow bites, and we need to try and lower his blood pressure, and I’m going to start IV antibiotics and fluids, so we’ll add a little bit of pain killer to that and see if that helps. I need to watch the swelling for about the next hour. It’s kind of a waiting game, but he’s in good hands.”

“Can his brothers come in here? I know they’re going crazy in the waiting room…”

“Let’s get the IV’s started and then yeah, we’ll bring them back.”

The nurse that took Seth’s blood pressure came back in and began gently attempting to remove Seth’s clothes. Seth was too weak to really fight, but his cries turned to screams pretty quick. Lily quickly stepped in; she knew Seth would handle it better if she did it herself. As she lifted his arms to remove his t-shirt, her heart nearly stopped when she saw a third spider bite, up near the sensitive skin of his armpit. 

“Umm…” Lily motioned the nurse over.

“My goodness,” she murmured. “Poor baby. No wonder he’s in such pain.” The nurse gently touched the bite with gloved fingers and Seth made a horrible, screaming, choking sound and practically arched off the table.

“Eleven! Eleven!” His agonized squeals brought tears to Lily’s eyes.

Dr. Huggins returned with a tray of tools, but when the nurse showed her the new find, she decided a change in tactic was in order. Seth was still sobbing and moaning on the exam table, clearly in terrible pain, and the things he was saying were no longer making much sense. Dr. Huggins instructed the nurse to start an IV of saline, before turning to Lily.

“Is he allergic to any medications?”

“None that we’re aware of but he’s never needed them like this before. All he’s ever had are antibiotics and Tylenol…” she whispered.

“Okay. We’re going to start his drip and add morphine for right now. See if that helps. I need him to settle so I can examine him to make sure there are no more bites.” To the nurse, Dr. Huggins instructed,

“I need you to start locating antivenin. We may not use it but we need to know where some is if we do.”

“Is that necessary?” Lily wondered.

“With at least 3 bites? It may well be. Typically one bite will just deliver enough venom to make life difficult, but more bites means more venom and...so far, he’s breathing fine. His blood pressure is my main concern, and of course, the pain. I still want to test to make 100% sure they’re widow bites, though they sure look like it.”

“Okay, Seth,” came the nurse’s voice. You’re going to feel a stick okay?”

Seth was barely coherent, but Lily could tell by his high-pitched squeals that he was not at all okay. Actually, he was scaring her. Even when he was terrified, hiding under a blanket on a hospital bed, he had never been quite like this. 

“Sethie...bub...I’m here. I’m right here,” she murmured, cradling his upper body in her arms. “It’s okay, bub. Mama’s got you. Mama’s got you, Seth. Shhhhh….”

The nurse, whose name badge read ‘Reba’, tenderly held Seth’s hand palm up as she tried to find a good vein.

“You’re doing great, Seth,” her voice was gentle. “That’s it; that’s good. It’s just a sting, buddy, and then we’re going to give you some medicine to help you feel better. Just let Mama hold you and hang on. It’ll be over before you know it.”

Seth didn’t stop squealing, but he did stop trying to squirm, which made sense because he wasn’t strong enough to move much anyway. Lily held him close and stroked his spine and hair. She continued to murmur in his ear as Reba inserted the needle into his vein on the very first try (Lily made a mental note to get her a Starbucks giftcard or something for that one), then taped it down gently. Seth never even flinched as she started the saline dripping into his arm, and when she added a vial of morphine a few moments later, he made no movement whatsoever. He was calming down, and Lily was thankful for that. When Reba gently stuck him again to draw blood, he still made no movement or sound. 

Dr. Huggins returned then, and after noting how Seth was calmer, resumed her examination. She probed his glands, inspected every inch of his skin, and then she turned to Lily.

“You’ve done a good job of doctoring his scraped leg.” Lily smiled.

“Actually, my two older sons did it. I was at work yesterday when Seth fell, and my boys followed my instructions to the letter. Some of them before I even GAVE them.”

“Well, it’s healing beautifully,” Dr. Huggins replied. “Come look at this, though.”

Lily moved to the foot of Seth’s bed, and the doctor pointed to a spot on Seth’s calf. At first, Lily wasn’t sure what she was looking at, and then she realized two small pin pricks. Fang marks.

“Oh, God,” she whispered. “Four?”

“Looks like it, but this one appears to be a dry bite,” Dr. Huggins mused. “Fully grown venomous creatures can control how much venom they release or whether they actually release any at all. Baby rattlesnakes, for example, are considerably more dangerous than adults because they release all of their venom at once. Spiders are the same way. So even though Seth has a bite here, it looks to me as though no venom was actually released. It’s not swollen and painful like the others.”

Seth whimpered then, and Lily was back by his side in less than a second. He was still unmoving, but his soft mewls and sweat-damp hair told her he was far from not feeling pain. 

“How bad now?” Lily whispered to her baby.

“Eight,” he mumbled, eyes unfocused. Lily sighed.

Dr. Huggins pulled up a stool and sat beside Lily and Seth.

“Hey,” she murmured softly to him. “Listen. I want to tell you and your mom a few things. Okay?”

Seth blinked and nodded.

“It’s going to be another hour or so before we get your blood tests back to tell us about how much venom from the spiders is in your system. I know you’re in pain, Seth. We’re working on that. I’m going to go get your brothers so Mama doesn’t have to leave you, and they can hang out in here but it’s really important that you try to rest. I know it hurts, buddy. I know it does. Just try and rest and let the pain meds do their job okay?”

Seth nodded again and Dr. Huggins stood up and left the room, returning a few moments later with Roman and Dean. Seth took one look at his big brothers and burst into hysterical tears. 

“Hey...hey, Seth, this isn’t relaxing, buddy---” Dr. Huggins began, but Lily held up a hand.

“Give them a minute.”

Dr. Huggins, Lily, and Reba all watched as Dean and Roman each took a place on a side of Seth’s bed. Roman crawled up beside his brother, and Seth immediately leaned back against him. Roman had their book in his hands and he tenderly draped an arm around Seth and opened to the right page. Meanwhile, Dean crawled in on the other side and rested his head on Seth’s legs. Eventually Seth’s fingers found Dean’s hair and he began to play with it. Roman began to read. His little brothers were completely captivated by his voice, and everyone was still and quiet, and Lily went around to crouch in front of Seth. 

“How bad now, bub?”

“Seven…” Seth whispered. Lily tenderly stroked Seth’s curls. He closed his eyes, listening to Roman’s voice. 

An hour later found Lily waiting for Dr. Huggins to return to Seth’s exam room. All three boys were asleep on Seth’s bed. A nurse had tried to tell her that the boys couldn’t be up there but luckily, Reba had intervened, stating that if it kept the patient calm, that’s what they were doing. Lily had managed to call Tony, who was trying to get a flight back. Although Seth was calm and resting, Lily knew by the monitor keeping track of his vitals that his fever and his blood pressure were still too high. While the morphine may be working, nothing else seemed to be. 

Dr. Huggins showed up a few moments later and motioned Lily out to the hall. 

“Okay, let me give it to you straight,” Dr. Huggins began. “Seth has high levels of the toxin associated with black widow venom in his blood. The level is high enough that I don’t think it’s going to just go away on its own, and I do recommend antivenin.”

“Okay…” Lily spoke carefully. “I’m an orthopedic surgeon, so I’m not extremely versed on the effects of venom or antivenin. But I’ve heard that antivenin is very difficult on a person’s system, especially a child. So tell me about that.”

“Well, you’re right. It can be very difficult treatment. It’s like…you know how when you’re sick, your body runs a fever because it’s fighting the virus or bacteria off? Well, it’s what your body needs to do but it’s uncomfortable during the process. This is the same thing. Antivenin basically fights the venom. So while it’s getting started, yes, he will be very uncomfortable. He’ll probably cramp a lot, he’ll run a fever, some people experience nausea---for about 24 hours, he’ll probably feel quite miserable, yes.”

“Then what are the benefits?” Lily wanted to know.

“The most important thing is, he will probably experience a dramatic reduction in the pain he’s experiencing. He’ll still have the cramping, and we’ll be pumping a lot of fluids into him to keep him hydrated, but the pain should start to reduce almost immediately. He’s had morphine and he still says he’s at a 7 and really at this point, the most he should be feeling is mildly uncomfortable. Gradually, his blood pressure will go down, the swelling will go down, and in a day or two, he’ll feel considerably better. The antivenin will sort of cancel the venom out, so it will also dramatically reduce the risk of kidney or other body organ damage. Whether he gets antivenin or not, we’ll want to test his kidney function for the next few months just to make sure it’s okay, and we’re keeping a very close eye on his lungs tonight, but his heart, liver, etc. should not be affected.”

“What are the risks of the antivenin?” Lily asked.

“The greatest risk is an allergic reaction that results in anaphylaxis, and we’ll be constantly monitoring him with epinephrine nearby so we can step in as quickly as possible.”

Lily closed her eyes.

“And if we don’t go with the antivenin?”

“It will be a lot harder to manage his pain, and he’ll continue to swell. The two main things are his blood pressure is too high right now. He’s not responding to the medicine we gave him. It’s not getting higher which is positive, but by now it should’ve dropped, especially since he’s calmed down so nicely. The thing we worry most about with high blood pressure at his age is a stroke. The other thing is the venom could cause kidney failure. That’s not horribly likely with the amount actually in his system, but it is entirely possible.”

“Ugh…” Lily felt a headache coming on. “My husband will be here in the morning. Do I have to decide right now?”

“No. We’ll do our best to manage his pain tonight and keep his blood pressure in check. If we can keep him quiet, he should do okay until morning.”

“Dr. Huggins? What would you do? If Seth was your child, what would you do?”

Dr. Huggins looked at Lily.

“My daughter Jaydyn is just about Seth’s age. If this was her, I would go with the antivenin. If it was even just one bite, I’d probably still go with the antivenin, and the reason is because we can’t control pain from venom the same way we can control it from other things. I think the risk of an allergic reaction does not outweigh that, especially when I can give a shot of epinephrine and have anaphylaxis reversed in under five minutes.”

Lily nodded.

“Okay,” she said. “I want to talk to my husband and see how Seth does tonight, and we’ll make a decision in the morning.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Dr. Huggins said. “In the meantime, I’ll get Seth moved to a room in Pediatrics for the night and we’ll monitor his kidney function and blood pressure and pain and see how it goes. We’ll give him a round of IV antibiotics too for good measure. Just don’t be alarmed; the amount of fluids we’re going to be pumping into him may cause some swelling throughout his body. He needs it though to keep his kidneys going.”

“Thank you, Dr. Huggins,” Lily whispered. Dr. Huggins put her hand on Lily’s shoulder.

“He’s a strong kid. He’ll be okay,” she whispered back.

Lily gently roused Roman and Dean. 

“They’re taking Seth up to a room,” she murmured, digging in her purse for some cash. “You guys go down to the cafeteria and get some dinner, okay? Daddy’s trying to get home, but for now, it looks like you two are spending the night here as well.”

“Mommy?” Dean’s voice sounded small and scared, and Lily was pretty sure she knew what he was going to ask before he asked it, so she drew him into a tight hug. He buried his face into her arm.

“He’s not going to die, sweetie. Okay? We’re deciding the best way to make him better, but he’s not going to die.” She could tell by Dean’s shaking shoulders that he was crying, and she was startled; Dean was easily the least emotional of her children, at least when it came to situations like this. Lily hugged him tighter for a few minutes, then raised an arm and invited Roman into the hug.

“I mean it, guys. Seth will get better. Go down and eat now, huh? Everything’s gonna be fine.”

Lily watched her two oldest walk away, watched Roman sling his arms around Dean’s shoulder, watched Dean sag against his brother. And she finally let the tears she’d been holding back come, as she slid down the wall to the floor. She buried her head into her hands for a moment, and then she felt a presence next to her.

“He’s gonna be okay,” Reba’s voice came. That assurance somehow just made Lily cry harder. 

“He’s been...his whole life has been a fight for survival,” Lily sniffed. Reba looked at her quizzically.

“How do you mean?” The nurse’s voice was soft. Lily could tell that she was genuinely concerned, though she was also listening carefully for sounds of distress coming from Seth.

“My baby is---actually, all three of my boys---they’re what we basically now call permanent foster children,” Lily murmured. “Meaning that for whatever reason, we aren’t able to adopt them yet, but they’re never going to be placed anywhere else either.”

“Okay…” Reba waited patiently.

“My Seth...he has no memory of his biological mother. He hasn’t seen her since he was about three months old. His biological father lost custody when Seth was about 8, because he’d been abusing him. He was bounced around foster homes for a couple of years but he always seemed to wind up in places that hurt him worse than the one before them, and then they put him in a group home and that’s when his nightmare really began. When I first met my sweet baby, he was a patient in this very hospital, recovering from 12 years of physical, mental, and sexual anguish. Seeing him, like this now...it’s just so hard.”

“Do you want to know something?” Reba asked Lily.

“What’s that?”

“This might break every HIPPA law out there,” Reba began. “But you’re his mother, even if it’s not legal yet, so I’m going to tell you this anyway. I was here the night those boys were brought into this emergency room. I treated Seth, and two others. I remember him...I think it’s that hair.”

Lily laughed.

“Yeah, those curls are ridiculous. They’re so soft, though.” Reba reached for Lily’s hand.

“He was literally despondent. And the examinations we had to do...well, you can imagine. I honestly didn’t think he would make it, but even though he’s miserable right now, I can tell he’s really changed.”

“Oh, God, that’s for sure. He’s improved so much. He’s a different kid. It just...they’re boys. And boys will be boys. And we’ve been through our share of broken bones, illnesses, scrapes, cuts, stitches, bruises...and I can handle all that. But this is the first time we’ve had to make a decision that could potentially...he could die.”

“He isn’t going to die. He has too much to live for now.”

At that moment, they both heard Seth cry out and leaped to their feet. 

“Mommy! Where are you?” Seth whimpered.

“I’m here, bub. Right here,” Lily rubbed his back. “Shh...it’s okay, bub. We’re going to take you upstairs to your room now. How much does it hurt?”

“Like...like almost an 8…” Seth whispered. 

Lily was familiar with private rooms in Pediatrics; Dean and Seth had spent enough time in them. She was thankful for the small pull out loveseat. At least Roman and Dean would have someplace to sleep tonight. Tony sent her a text at about 9 letting her know that he should be in Houston around 3 and would come straight to the hospital. Lily considered telling him just to go straight home and get some sleep and then come up at a reasonable hour, but she knew that would be a waste of words.

When Dean and Roman returned from the cafeteria, with soup in tow for Lily, she smiled when she noted that Dean had ketchup all over his face. 

“Bacon cheeseburger?” She asked him innocently.

“How’d you KNOW?” Dean looked at her as though she’d performed voodoo on him.

“Just a hunch,” Lily had replied with a smile. 

Seth had been given another dose of morphine, which hadn’t really served to ease his pain so much as it had made him woozy. He didn’t sleep; he laid in bed with tears in his eyes and hung on to whoever’s hand he could grab. He didn’t freak out, though. There was no screaming, no sobbing, no flailing. He was too weak for any of that; Lily could tell. His blood pressure held steady and his fever never really broke, regardless of the medications that the nurses continued to pump into his IV. He was clearly beyond miserable. 

After Lily tucked Dean and Roman into bed, she crawled into bed beside Seth and held him. She rubbed soft circles over his belly, and neither of them spoke. The pain kept Seth from sleeping well, but every so often he’d doze for awhile, and Lily used that time to study him. His face was pale, but puffy. Lily knew this was a result of the fluids and steroids he’d been given. Even as he napped, he was restless. He’d wake up whimpering from the pain, then doze again from sheer exhaustion. Lily couldn’t fathom putting him through days, maybe weeks, of this when there was a possible solution, but every time she thought about losing Seth to anaphylaxis...it made her breath catch in her throat. 

She didn’t sleep. She couldn’t. She instead focused on comforting her baby when he cried out or tried to move. She was still awake when Tony arrived. And the second she saw him, she started to cry again. Seth wasn’t asleep, but he was so out of it by that point that he didn’t recognized his father, nor did he have any idea that his mom was upset. Tony looked around the room at Dean and Roman sleeping on the small pullout, then knelt down beside Seth. 

“Hiya buddy,” he said softly. Seth just moaned in response. Tony reached for Lily’s hand.

“Shhh,” he whispered to her, squeezing her fingers tight. “I know you’re scared, Lu. I know. But you don’t want to upset Seth.”

It quickly became obvious, however, that Seth didn’t have a clue what was happening around him. So Tony pulled Lily to her feet and pulled her from the room, where he wrapped her in his arms and hugged her tight and let her cry for a minute.

“I called your mom and dad before I left DC,” he murmured calmly into her ear. “They’re going to be here first thing in the morning and they’re going to take Roman and Dean. We’re going to get through this.” He felt Lily nod against him but she said nothing. He tried again.

“I need you to talk to me,” Tony’s voice was barely a whisper now. “I need you to tell me what you’re feeling.”

Lily took a deep breath. She knew she needed to collect her thoughts. At that moment, though, they heard Seth squeal from his bed and they both returned to his side. And Seth did something he had never done before. He reached for Tony.

“Daddy,” he whimpered. Lily swore Tony’s eyes misted over. He knelt beside Seth again and drew him into his arms.

“You’re okay. I’m here. Mama and I are both here, buddy.”

“It hurts, Daddy,” Seth moaned against Tony.

“I know. I know it does. Just try to rest, Seth. We’re going to figure this all out.” Tony tried to soothe Seth. Seth continued to hang on to his father and whimper. And Lily suddenly knew exactly what they had to do.

“He needs the antivenin…” she whispered softly. Tony nodded.

“Yeah, I think so too. When was the last time he had some medicine for the pain?” 

“Not long enough ago to give him more just yet,” Lily answered. “And even then, it...it takes the edge off, but that’s about it. The antivenin just...it scares me, T. It scares me to think that we could lose him if we give it to him, but...I can’t do this anymore. He’s in agony. Have you ever seen him so miserable?”

Tony shook his head.

“I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anyone so miserable, Lu. I know your fear. I do. And it makes me sick too but...we can’t do this to him.” Tony shifted Seth in his arms. 

Lily looked over at her other two boys, who were still sound asleep. 

“I know they can reverse anaphylaxis pretty quickly...it just...still…” Lily shook her head. “But you’re right. We can’t do this to him. And his blood pressure is still way too high, and look---the bites are beginning to ooze.” Tony made a face, then gazed down at Seth, who had finally managed to doze off again. A small smile spread across his lips.

“You know...this is the first time in 18 months that he’s wanted ME. You’re right here, but he still reached for ME...I wasn’t sure that was ever going to happen.”

Lily smiled too.

“That’s because you’re the best Daddy, and he loves you. All three of our boys do. I think...I think the trust is finally there.”

A few hours later, Lily’s parents arrived. Tony went to talk to the nurses about their decision to give Seth the medicine, so Lily shouldered the burden of waking the two oldest boys---and breaking it to them that they would be leaving the hospital. True to form, Roman made no effort to even open his eyes at first, while Dean shot right up out of the bed at Lily’s soft touch on his shoulder.

“What is it? What’s wrong? Where’s Seth?” Dean exclaimed. Then he caught sight of his grandparents.

“Nana! Granddad! I didn’t know you were---wait a minute,” Dean slowly considered this. He turned to his mother.

“Seth’s dying, isn’t he. That’s why they came. Because Seth is going to---” Dean’s tirade ended when Roman reached up, grabbed the back of his shirt, and pulled  
him back down to the bed.

“Shut up, Dean,” he groaned. “Seth’s not dying. Just calm down. They came to take us home.” 

“WHAT? NO!” Dean shrieked and his mother quickly dropped down beside him and pulled him in a hug.

“Shhhh...sweetness. This is a hospital; you can’t shout in here,” she murmured, softly rubbing Dean’s back.

Dean looked into Lily’s eyes, his expression desperate.

“Mommy. Mama, don’t make us leave. Seth needs us. We won’t know what’s happening. Please, don’t make us go away.” And Lily hugged him closer, squeezed him as though she was afraid that if she let go, he’d bolt, because this was Dean, her Dean, and Lily had known that he would take it harder than Roman.

“Dean. Oh, my baby,” Lily whispered into his ear, but she didn’t loosen her grip on her son. “Seth is going to be just fine. Daddy and I are going to take care of him today. You and Roman need a break, baby. I need to know that you and Roman are getting some rest and some decent food. Nana and Granddad have phones; you and Roman have phones. We’ll let you know if anything big happens, Dean. But all we’re really doing is giving Seth some medicine and keeping him quiet and letting him rest. You can come see him tonight. My sweetness, I love you. I need you to do this for me. Please?”

Lily wasn’t sure if it was her words or the tone of her voice or the fact that Dean was just tired, but whatever it was, he’d calmed down by the time she was done talking. He didn’t reply, just nodded against her. Tony returned then, so Lily opted to go with Roman and Dean to the parking garage.

“Come on,” she murmured, wrapping an arm around each of her boys. I’ll walk you guys down to the car okay?”

Once Roman and Dean had been hugged, kissed, and tucked safely into her parents’ car, Lily made her way back up to Seth. Two doctors and a nurse were in his room, along with Tony and, to Lily’s surprise, Reba.

“I thought I’d just come see how he’s doing now that my shift is over,” she murmured, squeezing Lily’s shoulder. “I’ll come back and check on him when I come in tonight, okay?” Lily nodded. They were really doing this.

Seth was shivering. Someone, Lily hoped Tony, had rolled him from his side to his back. Lily took her seat beside him, across from Tony, and took his hand. Then she reached across his bed so that she could join hands with Tony as well. 

“Just a few more hours, buddy,” Tony was softly reassuring Seth. “Just hang on a little bit longer.” Lily softly stroked Seth’s cheek. Seth said nothing, just stared at his parents with wide brown eyes. Trusting eyes. Eyes that said that he knew they were doing what was best for him. 

“Seth, we’re going to start you on a little oxygen, okay? It’s gonna get uncomfortable before it feels better, and this is going to help you breathe,” one of the doctors spoke softly to Seth. He still didn’t make a sound, but he flinched when he saw the oxygen tube.

“It’s okay,” Dr. Byrum had noticed Seth flinch. “See this? This is called a cannula and it goes across your nose just like this, and that’s it. Doesn’t hurt a bit, does it?”  
Seth shook his head. 

“Now you just breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. And try your best to relax. Once we get this going, we’re going to get you some ice chips and you let me know if there’s anything you want, okay?” Seth nodded, and Dr. Byrum turned to Lily and Tony.

“Okay, Mom and Dad, you get to stay right with him the whole time. You can talk to him, touch him, whatever you think you need to do to help him get past the hard part. We’re going to start with two vials. I can pretty much guarantee he’s going to need more like four, but we’re gonna take this slow. Just remember it’s gonna get harder and then it’s gonna get a whole lot easier. If he’s gonna have a reaction, it’s gonna happen pretty fast. Fifteen minutes and we’ll know. Okay?”

They nodded and turned their attention to Seth.

“You’re being such a good boy, bub,” Lily murmured.

“That’s for sure. I think Seth’s earned a special treat. What do you think, Mama?”

“I think Seth’s pretty much earned whatever he wants,” Lily smiled at Seth, acutely aware of Dr. Byrum in the background sticking a needle into Seth’s IV and pressing the plunger down. The killer medicine was in her baby’s system now, and all she could do was reassure him and wait.


	22. Dean Can't Be Bought

Dean didn’t say a single word on the ride home, and when they got there, he got out of the car, walked to his room, and closed the door. Roman knew he needed some space, but he hated it. He hated that Dean was upset, he hated that Seth was sick, he hated that his parents were worried, and he hated that he couldn’t do a single thing about any of it. Nana tried to talk to Dean, but she returned to the living room shortly after. Roman could’ve told her that it was useless, but she hadn’t asked. 

Their Nana was a tiny woman. She barely cleared five feet tall, which meant Roman had about a foot on her, but she gave a killer hug, so Roman didn’t mind when she enveloped him in her arms. 

“Your Mama has such good boys,” Nana whispered into his ear. Roman just nodded, then he whispered back,

“Dean’s good too. He’s just scared.”

“Oh, Roman. I know. He’s right to be scared. It’s a scary, hard thing.”

Roman yawned.

“I should go take care of the horses,” he said.

“Don’t worry. Your Granddad is doing that right now,” Nana replied, running her fingers through Roman’s raven hair.

“He knows how to do it?” Roman had no idea his grandfather had ever touched a horse before, nevermind knew how to care for one.

“Boy, where do you think your Mama gets her knack for it?” Nana asked him. “It certainly did not come from me.” Roman laughed. 

“Now there. That’s a sound I like to hear. You must be exhausted, mo chroÍ. Do you want to go to bed for a bit?”

Mo chroí. Roman knew that this meant ‘my heart’ in Gaelic. He decided he liked it.

“Not right now,” he mumbled. 

“Okay,” Nana murmured a response. “You rest right here, then. After a bit, I intend to try and bribe your brother with a trip to the mall. Mama says he wants new shoes.”

Roman laughed in his head, but he hadn’t realized how exhausted he was. He fell asleep before he realized that Nana was pulling a blanket over him and kissing his cheek softly.

When Roman woke up, the DVR clock said 12:30. He yawned and stretched, then stared at the ceiling for a moment. If he’d been asleep for three hours, surely everything was going okay with Seth. Surely his grandparents would’ve woken him up if anything had gone wrong. He picked up his phone anyway.

He had five unread texts. One from his mom, one from his dad, and three from Dean. Roman rolled his eyes.

The first, sent at 9:48, was from Mom:

“First round of meds are in. Seth is uncomfortable but doing okay. I love you boys beyond words.”

The second, third, and fourth were all from Dean, sent between 10 & 10:19:

“Will you come to my room?”

“I’ll hate your guts forever if you don’t come back here.”

“Okay, no I won’t. I love you. You’re my brother. But please come here.”

The fifth was from Dad, at 11:59:

“Doc says Seth is gonna get better! Might be a rough day yet, but the worst is over. Love you two.”

Roman sighed. Seth was going to be okay. Now all he had to worry about was Dean. He dragged himself to his feet and shuffled down the hall to Dean’s room. He didn’t bother to knock.

“Dean…” Roman could tell his brother was upset. Dean was laying on his side on his bed with a pillow over his head. A muffled sound came out from under it.

“No. I’m not going away,” Roman answered. “I fell asleep or I’d have come sooner. You okay?”

Dean pulled the pillow away from his face. 

“Dude. In case you didn’t notice, I’m trying to suffocate myself. Leave me to die, Rome. Seth needs me in Heaven. Goodbye, cruel world!” He disappeared under his pillow again. This time, Roman grabbed it from his hands and smacked him with it.

“First. Not funny.” Roman grumbled. “Second, check your phone. Third, I highly doubt Heaven is where you’re going. Fourth, you punk ass drama queen, get up. Nana wants to take us shopping.”

“Oh come on. It’s a little funny,” Dean muttered. “And I know. She told me. But I can’t be bought. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Guess I’ll have to get your new shoes for me, then,” said Roman. “I was gonna wait for my birthday to ask for new ones, but since you’re passing on a chance…”

Roman could tell Dean was thinking about this. Finally he said,

“Okay. I’ll go. Not because I have a price, though.”

“No? Why then?” Roman goaded.

“Because Heaven or not, I think Seth would really want me to have some new Nikes, Rome.” Dean sat up.

“He’d probably want you to have some too. C’mon. Let’s go to the mall.”

Dean was determined not to be happy. They got him out of bed. They got him out of the house. But no shoes in the world were going to be enough to make him enjoy shopping. Not even the incredible red Nike’s that his Nana and Granddad bought him. Nor would the three pounds of candy they let him pick at the candy store. He would eat salt water taffy and chocolate covered Oreo’s until his stomach hurt. That would teach them.

He didn’t let himself feel happy over Roman’s new shoes either, or his candy, or the new biking gloves Roman pointed out that Dean NEEDED. No amount of money spent on him was going to make him forget that here he was getting pampered while his little brother was in the hospital, probably wondering at that very moment where Dean was and why he’d abandoned him. 

Then he saw it.

He’d wandered ahead of Roman and his grandparents, who were talking about the upcoming football season (of course), and he stopped outside Spencer’s. There, in the window, was an exquisite collection of Harry Potter wands. They were all different, and each labeled with the name of the character that used them in the books. If anything would make Seth feel better…

By the time the others caught up with him, Dean had already gone into the store and found a salesperson. 

“How much for the whole set?” He asked softly. He was quoted a price: $249.95. Dean turned to his grandfather.

“Please?” That was all Dean had to say. 

Granddad nodded to the girl, who collected the wands and began boxing them up. As his grandfather paid, Dean thought about the look on Seth’s face when he saw his new present. And for the first time since the day before, Dean smiled.

They went to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. That made Dean happy too. So did the huge piece of Snickers cheesecake that his grandparents let him have for dessert (Roman couldn’t decide between blueberry and cookie dough, so he got both). Dean’s happiness was short lived, however, when they got back in the car and he realized they were headed for home.

“Wait---why aren’t we going to the hospital?” Dean asked, alarmed.

“Yeah---I thought we were going to go see Seth!” Roman didn’t sound happy, either.

Nana turned around in her seat. 

“Boys...let’s just go home and then we’ll talk about that, okay?”

The rest of the ride home was silent. Dean could feel himself fighting back anger. He didn’t WANT to go home. He wanted to see Seth. He stared at his hands, which began to fidget. Then he began tapping his toe. Roman reached over and rested a hand on Dean’s knee. It didn’t help him calm down though. But then, as they turned into the drive that led up to their house, Dean looked up and saw something that made his heart skip a beat.

The Highlander was parked in the driveway. That could mean just one thing. Mom was home. Roman noticed it at the same time Dean did. As soon as their grandparents’ car was parked, both boys leaped out of it and ran through the garage, through the door into the house and there she was. She was wearing what she called her ‘scuzzies’, old sweatpants and a faded t-shirt, her hair in a wacky ponytail on top of her head, and she wasn’t wearing any makeup. Dean couldn’t think of a time when she’d ever looked more beautiful, though. For a moment, they all froze, just staring at each other. Then Lily spoke.

“My babies. My boys. You’d better get over here and give your mother a hug.”

That was all Roman and Dean needed to hear. They flung themselves at her and held on tight. Then the questions began.

“Why are you here, Mom?”

“Is Seth still okay?”

“Are you going back to the hospital?”

“Take us with you! Please!”

Lily held up her hand. 

“Guys. Showers and pajamas, okay? Then we’ll sit down and talk. Dean, you may use the shower in our bathroom tonight.”

She hugged them both again.

“Everything’s fine. I just really needed to see you two,” she whispered. “I promise we’ll talk. Go shower.”

 

___________________________

 

Once Dean and Roman were clean and in comfy, warm pjs, they sat together with their mother on the sofa. Nana and Granddad had gone up to the hospital to spend the night with Tony and Seth, and Lily was tackling the task of combing out Roman’s damp hair. Dean rested his head on her shoulder, content to watch and just listen to her talk.

“So---first of all, I’m staying home with you guys tonight,” Lily began. “Seth is going to sleep for awhile now, and I haven’t slept since Monday, and I know you guys didn’t sleep too well last night. Daddy and I figured he’d sleep at the hospital tonight so I could spend some time with you two. We’ll probably trade until Seth comes home.”

Roman nodded and Dean squirmed around so he could look into his mom’s eyes.

“Mama? Is everything okay now? How is Seth?”

“Seth is…” Lily paused. “Guys, I won’t lie. He’s in rough shape. The medicine he needed was very hard on his body. And we knew it probably would be. Earlier today was especially tough, because he was already in so much pain. The antivenin seems to be doing his job though. The pain is much better tonight. His blood pressure is still a little high but that’s much better too.”

“Good. That’s good, right?” Roman asked. Lily nodded.

“That’s good. That’s great, actually. The main thing right now is his kidneys are having a little trouble working. It’s not extremely serious, but it’s something they’re watching very, very closely. His body is just worn out. He needs his rest. Which is another reason I came home tonight. He’s so tired, guys. He honestly is probably going to sleep all night, and I really really wanted to see you two. I’m glad that Nana and Granddad could come and hang out with you guys, but I know it isn’t really fair for you to be separated from your parents when you’re scared, too.”

Dean snuggled closer to his mom, who finished combing Roman’s hair and tied it in a bun at the nape of his neck. He turned around and rested his head on her other shoulder and started playing with her fingers.

“It’s okay, Mama,” Roman said softly. “We understand. There’s one of you and three of us. Seth needed you the most today. But we’re sure glad you’re here now.” Dean nodded his agreement and Lily smiled. 

“I’m glad too, my loves. I’m so glad too.”

Later on, Roman fell asleep resting on Lily’s shoulder, so she took off his shoes and tucked a blanket around him right there on the couch. Then she gazed into Dean’s blue eyes. 

“Tired?” Lily asked him as she rubbed his shoulder. Dean shook his head.

“Nope,” he murmured, then yawned a massive yawn.

Lily kissed his temple. 

“I love you, sweets.”

“Love you too. Mama?”

“Yes, Dean?” Lily looked at him questioningly.

“Can we lay in your bed tonight?”

“Yeah. Of course we can.” Lily stood and pulled Dean to his feet. “Come on. You wanna talk?”

“Not really,” Dean whispered.

Lily sighed. She had a feeling there would be no sleeping tonight. When Dean got keyed up like this, it never seemed to matter how tired he was. Sleep was the enemy, and there wouldn’t be a lot she could do about it. That probably meant she wasn’t going to get a whole lot of sleep herself. It wouldn’t hurt to try, though. 

After they crawled into bed, Lily found some old movie on Netflix, but she kept the volume low. Dean was quiet and still, but he didn’t sleep. Every so often he’d turn his head, as though to check and make sure she was still there. Lily drifted into thought about this precious child. He was so different from Roman and Seth. Not that Roman and Seth were the same; far from it. But Dean felt his feelings very intensely, which sometimes overwhelmed him. Now was one of those times; no matter how much reassurance he got, it would likely be a few more days before he stopped worrying about Seth enough to let his guard down a little.

At 3 am, her phone buzzed. It was Tony. 

“Hi. You guys okay?” Lily wondered.

“Yeah. Seth just woke up. I don’t think he’s going to be awake for long but he wanted to call you. I figured you might still be up. What are you doing?”

“Laying in bed with Dean,” she murmured in response.

“He okay?”

“Not sure yet. But he’d like to talk to bub, I bet. Hang on. Okay, you guys are on speaker.”

A soft, slurred, tired voice croaked out,

“Mommy?”

“Heya, bub. Doing okay?”

Seth sounded drunk.

“Yeahhhhhh…”

“Seth?” Dean’s voice broke through the darkness in the room.

“Dean? Deeeeeeannnn…” Seth mumbled. Lily could feel Dean smile a little, and she smiled against the back of his neck.

“Yeah. It’s me, Seth. Are you okay? Does it hurt?” 

“Nahhhh...doesn’ hurt righ’ now...can’t feel...muchhhhhh,” all of Seth’s words were either drawn out or smushed together. Dean giggled a little.

“Gotta peeeeeee...Daddy said I could just...just pee because there’s a tube in...in my...what?”

“Your bladder,” Tony supplied, and he sounded like he was quietly laughing as well.

“Yeahhhhhhh...my bladder,” then Seth hiccupped and giggled. “Bladder. Blaaaaaaadder. That’s a funny word.” 

Dean was laughing openly now, when Seth’s tone suddenly changed from happy to distressed.

“Mommy?! But Mommy, I really realllllllly gotta peeeeeeeeeeeeee,” Seth wailed.

“It’s okay, bub,” Lily tried to stifle her own giggle at her poor son’s obvious concern over this. “Daddy’s right. There’s a tube in your bladder; you can pee. It’s okay.”

“Bladder,” Seth snickered softly, then whimpered. “But Mommy!” Seth’s voice dropped to a whisper. “If I pee, Dad’s gonna get all wet.” 

Lily could feel Dean’s shoulders shaking. She couldn’t tell if he was laughing or crying. Maybe it was a little of both. 

“Don’t worry, Seth,” they heard Tony say. “If I get wet, I’ll change. It’s okay.”

There was a long pause, and then Lily and Dean both heard Seth let out a relieved,

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

Soon after, Seth fell back into a deep sleep, and after Tony told Dean he loved him, they ended the call.

“Mom?” Dean whispered.

“Yeah, love?” Lily murmured back.

“Seth sounds okay.”

“Yeah. Seth’s gonna be okay. Once all that medication wears off.” Lily could see Dean’s eyes close, and within a few minutes, his deep even breathing told her he was asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In poor drugged Seth's defense, bladder IS kind of a funny word...


	23. Cross That Off the Bucket List

Seth wound up spending 10 days in the hospital and missing three weeks of school. He required a bit of physical therapy to rebuild the strength in his left arm and hip after the bites, but by that summer, he was at 100% again. Even his kidneys had no lasting damage.

Since Seth was in great shape, they went on their planned trip to Chicago. The ball game was incredible; Wrigley Field, Lily claimed, was as beautiful as she remembered. After it was over, they strolled down a few blocks, where they stopped at a place called Nuts on Clark. “Voted the World’s Best Popcorn”, a sign in the window proclaimed. Well, who could pass up on a chance to try THAT? Each of the boys left with a bag of popcorn, which they ate on the way back to the L. Then on the way back to the hotel, they stopped at a pizzeria where they ate delicious Chicago-style deep dish pizza. 

They ventured to Lake Michigan the next day. The water was freezing cold, but Seth stuck his feet in anyway, noticing with pride that neither of his older brothers had the guts. After that, they headed to Navy Pier for lunch. As they strolled down the dock, Seth noticed his mother gazing longingly at the huge Ferris wheel. 

“Can we ride it?” Seth made sure to widen his eyes. It was a look he knew kept his mother from denying him just about anything. “I’ve never been on one before…” He smiled when his mother’s eyes lit up.

Turned out, neither of Seth’s older brothers had ever ridden on a Ferris wheel before either. Also turned out they were both afraid of heights. So their dad stayed on the ground with them while Seth rode with his mother, nearly giddy at the fact that he had been braver than both Roman and Dean twice in one day. It stopped at the top and the view was incredible, and he wrapped his arm around his mama and held her tight for once.

Right after the family returned from Chicago, Seth’s parents sat him down. They knew he didn’t know a thing about his biological mother, other than that she’d left shortly after he was born. He had never asked them about her, but after his birthday, his mother and father decided it was time to let him know the truth---they knew quite a bit about her. 

He knew it was serious when they both took the day off work and let him sleep in, then he woke up to find that his father had dropped his brothers off at the center. Seth wasn’t like Dean. In that situation, Dean would have immediately assumed that he was going to be sent to a new family, or worse. But it never even occurred to Seth to worry. So when his parents sat him down on the couch, he was absolutely floored by what they had to say.

“Bub...tell us what you actually know about your mother,” Lily began.

Confused, Seth thought they meant Lily. 

“Well...you take good care of us,” Seth began. “Umm...you’re a really good cook, and you’re a doctor. You---” Tony laughed gently.

“No, Seth,” he had gently wrapped an arm around Seth’s shoulders. Ever since the hospital, he’d had no problem with accepting affection from Tony. “We’re asking you what you know about your biological mother.”

Seth stiffened; why were they asking him this? 

“I…” he paused for quite awhile. “I know her first name was Adria, and I know that she left my dad when I was just a baby. And...umm...I know...I know that I have her eyes.”

“How do you know that, bub?” Lily asked him gently. 

Seth looked up at her, then stood.

“Hang on. I’ll show you.” 

He got up and went to his room and dug in his top dresser drawer until he found what he was looking for, an item he hadn’t shown them in the nearly two years since they brought him home. He took it back to the living room and handed it to his mother.

It was a very time-worn photograph. In it, a young dark-haired woman was holding a baby, no more than 2 or 3 months old. The woman looked so incredibly happy, but it was the eyes that grabbed both Lily and Tony’s attention instantly. She and the baby had the exact same eyes, and those eyes absolutely belonged to Seth. Lily’s breath caught in her throat, and Seth was startled to look up and realize she had tears in her eyes.

“This is her,” Lily whispered. It wasn’t a question.

“It’s all I have,” Seth replied quietly. Lily immediately wrapped Seth into a hug, then upon releasing him, she took his hands in hers.

“Seth? Why haven’t you shown us this before, baby?” Seth looked at his mother. There was no anger or disappointment in her eyes; only love and genuine curiosity. 

“I was so used to keeping it hidden, you know? Because if anyone had seen it at the group home…” Seth hung his head, but Lily gently took his chin and tilted his face up until he had no choice but to look into her eyes.

“It would have been destroyed,” she said softly. Again, not a question. Seth nodded.

“When I first got here...like...it never crossed my mind that you might take it away or anything, but I was...I guess I just...didn’t want you to be disappointed.”

“We wouldn’t have been disappointed, buddy,” his father said slowly, wrapping his arm around Seth.

“I know that now. But then...plus...it was so hard. To talk. About anything. I just...didn’t want...I don’t know. I just didn’t want to be asked a ton of questions that I don’t know the answers to.”

“I can understand that,” Tony said, and Lily nodded.

“Would you...would you like to know more about her?” Seth gazed at Lily.

“I...I mean...I don’t know. I don’t...how would I even find out?” 

Tony wrapped his arm around Seth again and sighed softly.

“Seth...you know we’ve read your DCF files right? I mean we did it when we first agreed to be your foster parents, and we have copies of them in our safe deposit box. We have them for Roman and Dean as well. And in yours, we have records of your mother. So since you’ve now turned 14, and that’s the age the law recognizes you as old enough to make certain decisions, we thought...we figured you’re old enough to know more about her. IF that’s something you think you’d like to do.”

“Wait. But...you know where she is?” Seth was shocked.

“Not yet. We’re working on it though. And we know quite a bit about her,” came Lily’s soft voice. Seth couldn’t help it; he started to shake.

“But...but I like living here,” he whispered.

“Oh. Oh, bub, no. Oh, baby. No, don’t misunderstand me. We’re not asking you if you want to go live with her.” Lily pulled Seth onto her lap and held him tight. He was getting taller, but he was relieved that he still fit, because he wasn’t sure he could hold himself up right then.

“That’s not even on the table, Seth,” Tony jumped in. “All we want to know is if you’d like to know more about her.”

Relief flooded Seth’s body. He felt a little dizzy, and he let his head fall to Lily’s shoulder for a moment.

“It’s okay, bub,” Lily murmured in his ear. “You’re okay, baby. We don’t have to talk about this. You can think about it as long as you’d like. We just need you to know that the offer’s on the table. Okay?”

Seth didn’t say anything; he just nodded against Lily. He made no move to get up, and his parents made no move to get him up. They must have sat like that for almost an hour before Seth finally said,

“When I was little, before the group home, I used to think about her.” His voice was soft, almost a whisper. “I used to make up stories in my head about why she left. Like she was really a spy living a double life. Or she had to go into witness protection. Or maybe she was like this really smart scientist who got called on some sort of space mission, so she had to leave me behind. I KNOW none of those is what really happened, but believing stuff like that was easier than...than thinking that she just didn’t want me. I used to think it must’ve been something really important, to leave me with a father who...you know. And I also just knew she must have had no clue what he was really like, otherwise she would’ve taken me with her.” 

He felt his mom begin to rub soft circles on his lower back.

“I just don’t know...I don’t know if I could face that…” he whispered. Tony and Lily looked at one another.

“You can’t face her just not wanting you?” Lily asked him softly.

“No. I don’t think I can,” Seth whispered back.

“Then...Tony, I think we need to tell him,” Lily murmured, still holding Seth close.

“Yeah...yeah. Are you ready to hear, buddy?”

Seth looked at his mother, then his father, and then he slowly nodded.

Tony stood up and went into Lily’s office, and a moment later returned with some papers in his hand.

“Okay, Seth. If you’re sure, then let’s talk about your mother.”

“I...I don’t think...I mean I don’t know...Mama…” Seth stammered, scared to death now, but his mother didn’t let him go.

“First of all, let me do my best to dissuage your fears. Adria---she---we can’t speak to her actual feelings but based on what we know our guess would be that loving you wasn’t a factor.” Tony took Seth’s hand.

“Well...what then?” Seth whispered.

“She was sick, Seth,” Lily snuggled him gently. 

“Sick? Like...sick like cancer?”

“No. Sick like---she has schizophrenia.”

“I don’t know very much about that…”

“People with schizophrenia don’t...they don’t have a very good relationship with reality, Seth. Some people get very depressed, some get manic, for some it’s a combination. Some hear voices. It’s a very difficult disease to manage.”

“So she couldn’t take care of me…” Seth took a minute to process what he was hearing. “Couldn’t she have done a better job than my father though?”

“Maybe not. Maybe she didn’t know what your father was like. Or maybe she didn’t have the mental capacity to handle it. Those are things we may never find out, Sethie. But I can’t stand the thought of you going through life believing that she just didn’t love you. That’s pretty unlikely. Mental illness doesn’t diminish a person’s capacity to love.”

“Seth, the reason we’re telling you all of this is...Mom and I would like begin the adoption process. But we don’t want you to go into it not fully informed of all the factors. You know?”

“Wait. You want to adopt me?” Seth sat up straight at this. “What about Roman and Dean?”

“We’re working on that too, bub. But each of you comes with a different situation, so different avenues have to be taken. This is the direction we need to go with you. Your biological father has no rights to you and never will again. Adria...we aren’t sure where she is NOW. If we find her, we’ll take the proper steps. Is that something you want?”

“Mom. Dad.” Seth knew he had tears in his eyes but he didn’t care, not even a little. “That’s what I want more than anything in the world. That’s what...all three of us want, more than anything in the world.” 

Lily’s tears were sliding out of her eyes. 

“Daddy and me too, bub,” she whispered as she cuddled close to her youngest. “That’s exactly what we want too.

“But...Mama? How come...I mean I’ve been here almost two years, so...how come just now? Why did you wait?”

“Seth...after the twins, we...I...was too afraid to try,” his mother began. “Because I couldn’t risk losing you in my attempt, but now...after last summer with Roman, we’ve been hopeful for some time that we’d be able to get the ball rolling. It’s just...like I said, you each have a different set of circumstances. But I’m ready now, bub. Daddy’s been ready for awhile, and I’m---it’s time, Sethie.”

Seth didn’t say anything for awhile after that. Instead he just sat quietly and enjoyed being wrapped up in his parents. But he had to confess something, and after awhile he couldn’t keep it in any more. 

“Mama?”

“Yeah, bub?”

“The...the other reason I never showed you guys the photo?”

“Hmm?” 

“It just...after awhile, I just...I guess I just didn’t really need it anymore, because I knew I was really meant to be here with you.”

Seth didn’t even protest when both parents tightened their arms around him. The squeeze was tight, but he didn’t care. He was right where he wanted to be forever.

Later that week they held a family meeting to make all three boys aware that they were in varying stages of trying to adopt each of the boys. The attitude in the house was cheerful and hopeful after that.

 

___________________________

 

The family made their annual trip to Galveston, and while they were there, Lily and Tony got the phone call they’d been waiting months for. 

Lily was laying in a beach chair under the beach umbrella, reading a mystery by James Patterson. Tony was in a chair next to her asleep. The boys and dogs were happily chasing each other through the surf, when Lily realized her phone was vibrating inside her bag. She pulled it out and smiled when she saw that it was Cassie.

“Hey, lady!” Lily said in greeting, always happy to hear from her friend. Cassie had been working tirelessly on all three boys’ cases since April, and Lily knew they were getting close with Seth at least. So when she heard what Cassie had to say, she was floored.

“Lily, I got some awesome news this morning,” Cassie said gleefully. “Are you sitting down?”

“I am. Lounging on the beach, in fact.”

“Is Tony nearby?”

Lily glanced at her husband.

“Well, he is...let me try and wake him up.” Lily poked Tony with her foot. “Wake up. Cassie’s on the phone.”

“Cassie Who?” Tony mumbled but he sat up anyway. 

“So…” Cassie began. “You ready to adopt Roman?”

Lily screamed and Tony leaped to his feet. This caught the attention of all three boys, who came running. 

“Mom, are you okay?” Roman asked.

“Mama? What is it?” Seth wanted to know.

“Dad, did you snap her bikini again?” Dean accused.

“No, no, no,” said Lily. “Okay, Cass, the gang’s all here and on speaker. What’s going on?”

“Roman?” Cassie called.

“Yes, ma’am?” Roman replied, curious.

“I got confirmation this morning that Lisa, by the state of Texas, has no parental rights to you anymore. You ready to officially be a Girardi?”

There was silence for a few moments, as the boys stood there stunned. Then Roman croaked,

“Really?”

“Really.”

“This isn’t a joke?”

“It’s not a joke, Roman.”

Roman didn’t move for a moment. Then he threw himself into his parents arms.

“Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!” Tears were pouring out of his eyes. Lily and Tony brought all three boys in for a family group hug, and when they were released, Seth   
began jumping up and down in excitement. Dean, though, seemed...reserved. Lily noticed, but she decided not to bring it up right then. They talked to Cassie for a few minutes more and made plans to have a meeting when they returned home. Once the call ended, Roman sat down in the sand.

“I can’t believe this is really happening,” he kept whispering. 

“It’s happening, kiddo,” Lily replied. “It’s happening. We love you so much, Ro.”

Later that night, Lily and Tony were back out on the beach laying in their chairs, enjoying the sound of the waves in the dark, when Roman meandered out to them. He crawled onto Lily’s chair and rested his head on her. She smiled at him.

“You’re hair’s gotten so long and pretty,” she murmured, stroking it softly. She often looked at Roman and startled at how much he had changed since the scared, angry 9 year old that she had taken in five and a half years ago. His hair was long and wavy now. He was a good two inches taller than she was. And if he let it go, he could grow facial hair. She loved the way he was a young man now, but still loved a good snuggle with his Mama when the occasion called for it.

“Mom? Dad?” Roman looked up at them. “I think Dean is upset with me.”

“Why? Did something happen?” Tony asked Roman.

“Just...just, he won’t talk to me anymore. I think...I think he’s mad that I can be adopted.”

“Oh, Ro,” Lily began. “I don’t think that he’s mad. I bet he’s scared though.”

“Well, he shouldn’t be. He’s always going to be my brother.” Roman sighed. “I want to be happy but it’s hard when he isn’t.”

“Listen, Roman,” Tony began. “You have to look at this from Dean’s point of view too. You know? Of course, he’s happy for you because you’re getting what you’ve wanted since you got here. And he loves you and he wants you to be happy. At the same time, he’s in the same boat. You’re getting what he’s always wanted since he got here, too, and that probably stings a little. How would you feel if it were Dean and Seth, besides the obvious happy? And then keep in mind, this is Dean. He’s very different from you, and he’s going to respond in a very different way from how you might.”

“Yeah...yeah, I guess you’re right,” said Roman slowly. “So what do I do about it?”

“Tonight? Give him space. Give him a chance to sort his own feelings out. He deserves that; we all do. Right?”

“Yeah...yes. Yes, sir. You’re right.”

“Doesn’t mean we can’t keep celebrating you, though,” said Lily with a grin. 

“That’s true,” Tony said.

“What...do you mean?” Roman asked. 

“Ever made a bucket list?” Tony asked him.

“A what?” Roman looked confused.

“A bucket list. It’s---Jeez, Lu, we need to get them that movie tomorrow and have a family movie night. Okay, a bucket list is basically a list of things you want to do or accomplish before you die, or you know, kick the bucket. Get it?”

“Okay...so basically, it’s like a list of things I’ve always wanted? So get adopted is at the top.” Roman nodded.

“Yeah, but your list can be more than one item long,” Tony replied. “In fact, Mom and I have been kind of talking and we want everyone in this family to make a bucket list. But I think we should watch the movie too first. Is that on Netflix, Lu?”

“Hang on, I’m looking,” was the reply.

“Tell me something you’ve always wanted to do, buddy. Besides get adopted; sounds like we can cross that one off.”

He didn’t even hesitate.

“I want to go to Santa Clara and watch the 9ers play at Levi Stadium.”

Tony laughed.

“Did I not tell you when I met this child that he was after my own heart? Tell you what, Roman. Soon as football season’s over for you, I’m going to make that trip happen.”

“Really?” Roman seemed astonished.

“Really. Just you and me? Because I doubt we’re gonna get your mother into the stadium.”

“Not unless they’re playing the Pack. Maybe once we adopt Sethie I can take him to watch the Packers play the Bears. Except that’d only be a celebration for me, ha!”

Roman yawned, then looked up. 

“Dad? Is that Dean?”

They both looked over at the dark figure walking down towards the water’s edge. 

“Yeah. I think it is,” said Tony quietly. 

“What’s he doing?” Roman wondered.

The figure started digging in the sand with something that looked like a stick.

“Brooding, looks like,” Tony murmured. “Stay here with Mom, okay? Or go back in the house and hang out with Seth. I’ll get closer and talk to Dean.”

Lily finished messing with her phone and watched Tony walk away. Roman seemed content to remain where he was, but then they both froze when they heard a high scream from inside the house. Seth. Something was wrong with Seth.


	24. Along Came (A) Spider

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2,000+ hits? Are you KIDDING ME??
> 
> As always, thanks for the support, folks!

Seth had been dreaming about being adopted. Unfortunately, in the dream it wasn’t by his parents. They had decided they only wanted Roman, so he and Dean were sent off into the system once again. This time another family chose him right away. But it was a family of spiders. Human looking spiders, but they had extra legs and eyes, hairy faces, and when they sat down to dinner, it was a heaping tray of steamed dead flies that waited for Seth. 

When he’d tried to excuse himself, they’d gotten mad, called him ungrateful, taken turns biting him, and thrown him into a huge web. He struggled and struggled, but he couldn’t free himself, and that’s when he woke up with a scream. 

Then he looked around, and Dean and Roman were gone.

Then he started hearing strange, awful scratching, moaning noises coming from the closet in the boys’ shared bedroom. Certain now that it hadn’t been a dream, Seth screamed again and ran, not bothering to grab his glasses as he went. Tears blinded him and he nearly fell down the stairs but he managed to right himself after sliding down a few and then flew through the house, calling his mother. He screamed again as he plowed right into a wall. Then the wall spoke.

“Seth. Seth, it’s okay. What happened?”

Thick muscled arms---Old Spice deodorant---Roman. This was Roman, not a human spider. And Roman was hugging him, and Seth began to realize that he could breathe again. Sort of. Then there were soft hands on his back and in his hair, and the smell of Dove and apple Chapstick---Mama. He felt himself get passed into his mother’s arms and felt her guide him to the couch. His heart slowed, and he forced a deep breath.

“Mama...Mama, I...I had a d-dream and I couldn’t f-find a-anyone and I think there’s a m-m-m-monster upstairs.” Seth felt his mother’s arms tighten around him as breathing became still easier. He was okay. Mom and Roman were there, and he was safe. No human spiders. No huge webs. No steamed flies. Suddenly exhausted, he let his head fall to his mother’s shoulder.

“Shhh…” Lily’s voice was gentle and soft. “I’m here, bub. You’re okay. Just a dream, bub. And I’m pretty sure there aren’t any monsters upstairs.”

The memory caused Seth to sit up straight, fear coursing through him again.

“No, Mama...Mom...something is up there. In the closet. I heard it. It was scratching and moaning and...and...it’s gotta be a monster. Or a ghost. Or something.”

Roman stood.

“I’ll go check,” he said. Lily hugged Seth tighter, rubbing his back to soothe him, and when Roman returned there was a smile on his face. 

“Look, Seth,” he commanded. He was holding a tiny kitten.

“What? What is THAT thing?” Seth demanded, but his mother was already reaching for the frightened, tiny creature. 

“Aww...how on earth did you get in there?” Lily cooed to the kitten. Seth studied it carefully.

It was the smallest thing Seth had ever seen; it literally sat in the palm of Lily’s hand with room to spare, and it mewled and shivered. It was almost all black with a white right ear, a pink nose, and tiny white spots on its toes. Lily handed it to him. It immediately crawled up into the crook of Seth’s neck and nuzzled him.

“I don’t think it has a Mama,” Seth whispered. He felt his own mother’s arms tighten around him and wondered if this was a sign. Here he was, separated from his own biological mother too soon, but now planted snugly in the arms of the woman who became his mother by choice, and who had taken care of him from the very beginning, when he was tiny and fragile and in desperate need of someone. Now he was holding this tiny animal that was crying and obviously also in desperate need of someone. 

“Mom? Can I keep it?” Seth looked into Lily’s eyes, pleading silently. He knew by her expression that she wasn’t about to say no, so he didn’t mind her response.

“Well...we’ll have to see what Dad thinks, Seth. That’s seven cats,” she ran her fingers through his hair. “She does seem to have taken a liking to you, though, hasn’t she?”

“How do you know it’s a she?” Seth whispered, afraid now to disturb the snuggly bundle that was purring into his neck.

“Just a hunch,” Lily said with a smile. “Just a hunch.”

“Well...boy or girl, I think I’m going to name it Spider. Like the Itsy Bitsy Spider, not mean biting spiders or spider humans.”

“Spider humans?” Roman wondered.

“Yeah...it’s a long story. Hey, Mom?” Seth asked uncertainly,

“What’s for dinner tomorrow night?”

When her answer was smothered chicken, Seth had never been more relieved.

 

____________________________________________________

 

Meanwhile, Dean was outside with Tony, completely oblivious to the fact that their family had just grown again.

“You, uh, have a disagreement with the sand, there, Deano?” Tony asked softly as he approached. 

Dean ignored him, and continued to angrily poke the ground with the stick. Tony tried again.

“Has Roman made you angry?” Dean’s father sat down in the sand about 3 feet away from him, and he watched as Tony began burying his own feet.

“Roman didn’t do anything. You and Mom did,” Dean knew this was unfair, and it wasn’t true, but he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

Tony sat silently for awhile, and then held his hand out. 

“May I borrow your stick?” Dean handed it to him and wondered exactly what he had up his sleeve. Instead of saying anything else though, his father began poking the sand with it.

“If you’re trying to prove a point,” Dean began, then stopped. He didn’t WANT to talk about it, he reminded himself. 

“No. No, I have no point,” said Tony slowly. “But I’m kind of pissed off too, so I was curious about whether this would help or not.”

“Is it?” Dean questioned.

“Not really. Was it good for you?”

Dean fought down a small chuckle, then sighed.

“Not really. Why are YOU pissed, Dad?”

“I’ll tell you if you’ll tell me,” came the reply.

Dean sighed again.

“It’s not that...I just hate her,” he finally said. “I fucking hate her, Daddy.”

Tony didn’t even flinch at Dean’s use of the curse word. Instead he turned to Dean.

“Shelby?” Tony said it in a questioning voice, but they both knew it wasn’t a question at all. Dean nodded.

“You know what? I can’t,” said Tony. “I get it. I WANT to hate her. And I understand why you do. But I just can’t make myself do it.”

“Why not?” Dean whispered.

“Because she helped complete my family, Dean.”

Dean froze. He hadn’t really thought about it like that. 

“If it hadn’t been for her,” Tony continued, “then Mom and I wouldn’t have you and where would we be then?”

“You’d have found another kid,” Dean reached for the stick and started poking again. “Or you would have been happy with just Roman and Seth. Or something.”

“Dean, do you believe in fate?”

“I don’t know. Why?”

“Because when you think about it...Mom and I never wanted just one child. We always figured we’d have lots, but by the time we got our hands on Roman, we were so worn out from trying that it never even occurred to us to keep trying or stop trying or talk to Cassie or do anything else to try and grow our family. And then one day, you walked into that community center and met your brother. And it happened to be at time when you really needed it the most, and we happened to be able to become your foster parents, and now we are a happy family of five...shit doesn’t just happen, Dean. Not like that anyway. Stepping in dog crap just happens, or catching a cold, or falling off your bike, those things just happen. Fate happens when something was meant to be. So maybe we still could’ve been okay without you, only because we wouldn’t have known what we were missing, but I wouldn’t trade you for all the tea in China, boy. I can’t even fathom my life without my middle son, and yeah. Everything had to line up exactly perfectly to get here, but if you had never been born? Then NONE of it would’ve been possible. What she did to you? It makes me crazy. But she still brought you into the world, and for THAT, Dean, I am eternally thankful. One of the three things I’m most proud of in my whole life is that I get to be your Dad. I love you. Mama loves you. Roman and Seth, they love you. This family would have a big hole in it without you, and it’s all because of Shelby, and I just can’t hate her, knowing that.”

Dean didn’t say anything. There was absolutely nothing to add to that. He put down the stick, and his dad held his arms open. Dean crawled into them gratefully and rested his head on Tony’s shoulder. 

“You know, Dean...some day, this adoption thing, it’s going to happen. One way or another, we’ll make it happen. If I have to wait until the day you turn 18, then so be it. But that’s okay, if that’s the way it works. You’re always going to be my boy. Your mama’s baby. The middle brother. Your spot is secure, buddy. No matter how or when it happens. Okay?”

This time, Dean couldn’t speak for fear of beginning to cry, so he just nodded against Tony’s shoulder. They sat there for quite awhile before getting to their feet and walking back to the house together. When the got there, a sight awaited them. 

Seth was asleep on Lily on the couch. There was a kitten snuggled against his neck. Roman was curled up on the loveseat with Honey Badger reading.

“What is Seth doing with a cat?” Dean demanded to know.

“Well…” Lily began. “I’m still not sure how it happened, but it wound up in you guys’ closet. She couldn’t get out. Bub wants to keep her...”

Tony sighed.

“And you pretended you had to ask me first?” Lily laughed.

“Well...I did say that, yeah. But seriously, look at this. Can we really tell him he can’t keep it?”

Tony grinned. 

“No. I guess we can’t, can we. Okay. What’s one more, right?”

Dean groaned.

“Why does Seth get a cat?”

“Do YOU want a cat?” Lily asked him quizzically.

“No...but I want a gecko.”

Dean’s parents exchanged looks.

“A gecko, huh?” Tony asked.

“Yeah. Like those insurance commercials.”

“Well, sweets, when we get home, we’ll see what we can do, okay?” Lily smiled at Dean. “You okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. I’m tired though. I’m going to bed.”

“Okay, sweetness. I’ll come up in a bit to check on you. Dean? I love you.”

“I love you too, Mama,” said Dean, before heading upstairs to his bed.


	25. Triumph

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bonus chapter.
> 
> I've written farther in than this but a week or so ago, Strykelass approached me with this idea for an angle and I really loved the concept. I did a little bit of research, a little bit of investigating, and a whole bunch of writing, and this is what I have come up with. I hope it meets everyone's standards!
> 
> *Seth's past abuse history will be discussed in this chapter. There will be no graphic details or anything like that, but if that sort of thing upsets you, be on the lookout.

Since the beginning of time, it felt, Seth had required all kinds of therapy. 

In the beginning, he was in therapy constantly; in fact, that’s what he did when the his brothers were at school. He went to a child psychiatrist, a counselor who specialized in sexual abuse cases, and a physical therapist every single day. The physical therapy was necessary to help him build some muscle, because at the group home he’d spent so much time strapped to a bed that once he was free, he could walk just fine but he struggled with running from time to time, and P.T. was also sort of an outlet. Once his legs were stronger, he was allowed to start lifting light weights. He also saw a second counselor twice a week just as a buffer, and he saw an occupational therapist on those days as well. The O.T. was kind of like his fun time; he learned to swim there, he got to run, got to play with remote control cars and things that required fine motor skills, and the O.T. even had a miniature golf course.

Now, he was down to seeing his abuse counselor once a week, his psychiatrist once a week, and his O.T. once a month. They all met with Lily and Tony once every month to discuss Seth’s progress, and occasionally Seth joined them. During one such meeting in June, after they returned from Galveston, Dr. Bushman made a suggestion.

“Seth, have you ever gone to summer camp?”

Tony saw Seth hesitate, then shake his head.

“Would you like to?”

Seth shook his head harder.

“No...no, I don’t think...I mean...I’m not sure...no. I don’t think I would.”

“Okay. So tell me some things that you and I have really been working on when we have our talks,” Dr. B. said.

“Umm...how to not be anxious around new people, so I can make some friends. And how to calm down when I wake up at night.” 

Hearing Seth’s admission that he had no friends hurt Tony to the core, even though it was true. He just wasn’t comfortable enough with unfamiliar people to allow those walls to come down.

“Yeah. Now, there’s a camp in a couple of weeks for boys like you who’ve been abused and some of them have similar challenges. I was thinking you might like it.”

Seth looked from Lily to Tony.

“I...I don’t…” he stammered. Tony instantly recognized the fear in Seth’s eyes and he rested a comforting hand on his bicep.

“Why don’t you tell us more about it?”

Dr. Bushman pulled out some brochures. 

“I’ve done this for a few years now, and you’ve made real progress in less than two years, Seth, which is why I think you might really enjoy this now. It’s called Camp Triumph. It’s a week long. What we would do is show you the entire list of activities that are offered and you would get to pick and choose what sounds like fun for you. You’ll also choose an activity that you think may be difficult for you and you practice that one all week. That’s your Triumph. There’s a group therapy session every day, and they do activities as well, but then pretty much everything else you get to decide for yourself. So if you wanted to do arts and crafts or go horseback riding, or whatever combination sounds fun, you could. We end every day with a bonfire and roast marshmallows.”

“Ooh, look, bub,” Lily was looking through the brochure. “There’s horses, and hiking and crafts, and there’s also swimming and canoes and an obstacle course!”

Seth looked up with interest at this. 

“Hey---archery and sand volleyball, too!” Tony had to admit the place looked like fun, but he highly doubted Seth would go for being away from his family. 

“Every camper gets an adult buddy to work with,” said Dr. B. “That’s helpful for things like the rock climbing wall.”

“There’s a rock climbing wall?” Seth asked.

“He’s always wanted to do that,” Lily murmured. “This sounds kind of fun, Seth. All of this cool stuff to do...what do you think?”

Seth froze immediately and rested his head against Lily’s neck.

“No...no, I don’t think I really want to do that,” he whispered. Tony sighed. They’d been close. 

“Why not, Seth?” Dr. B. asked him gently.

“Because I don’t like strange people, and you all know that,” Seth whispered, not looking up. Lily began stroking his curls.

“Remember what we’ve talked about, buddy?” Dr. B. wasn’t giving up. Neither was Seth though.

“I know. I know, but I can’t. I just…” he trailed off. Tony could tell he was getting upset, and began to move to end the conversation, but Dr. B. leaned forward and rested her hands on Seth’s knees.

“You can. If you don’t want to, that’s okay. But don’t say you can’t, bud. That’s not true.”

“No...no, I want...I mean...I don’t…” Seth was really getting upset now.

“Listen to me. Take a breath, please,” Tony was ready to scream, but Dr. Bushman was clearly completely in control. 

“Nobody is going to be upset with your choice, whatever the choice is. Mama and Daddy and I and everyone else in this room are completely okay with whatever you want to do. But remember it’s very important to separate what you want from what you believe you are capable of. Remember how we talked about that back when you were deciding about going camping with Dad?”

Seth’s breathing had returned to normal and he nodded slowly. 

“You do not have to go. Tell me what you WANT, Seth. Forget for a minute about what’s frightening you and let’s focus on what you want.”

“I...I want to go and have fun. I...I want to climb that rock wall. And I’ve never paddled a canoe before. I want to be able to...I want to be a normal kid.”

“What do you suppose might happen if you go?”

“I...I don’t know,” Seth whispered.

“You do, or you wouldn’t have reservations. It’s okay to say it, bud.”

“I might not be able to sleep,” Seth began.

“There will be a lot of boys there who have trouble sleeping. You won’t be the only one. Your buddy will be there for you to talk to if you can’t sleep and they’ll have night time activities for kids who have trouble with that.” Dr. B was getting through to Seth. Tony could tell.

“I might cry,” Seth continued, but he looked up from Lily. 

“Is there anything wrong with crying?” Dr. B asked gently. 

“No,” Seth whispered.

“Good boy,” Lily murmured to him.

“What if I get sick?” Seth asked. “Or what if I fall and break all my bones?”

“Channeling your inner Dean, are you?” Tony asked with a smile, and Seth smiled too.

“Well, there will be several nurses at the camp in case you get sick or hurt or even just get a little too overstimulated and need a spot to rest for a minute or two,” Dr. B said. “But can I tell you that in the seven years I’ve been a part of Camp Triumph, no one has ever broken all of their bones.”

Seth giggled again. 

“What if...I don’t like my buddy?” 

“Your buddy is going to be someone you know,” Dr. B said calmly.

“He is? Who?”

“I’m not sure but several of our male counselors are going to be there. I’ll make sure you don’t get stuck with a stranger. So long as you’ll promise me that you’ll try to make friends with some of the other counselors.” Tony was amazed. Dr. B had Seth eating out of her hand by now.

“Well…” Seth began slowly.

“It’s just a week. You’d go out on a Saturday morning on a bus, and then on the next Saturday, Mom and Dad and your brothers will be invited to join you for a big bonfire dinner, and they’ll take you home.”

“But...but what about Dean?”

“What about Dean?”

“Shouldn’t he get to come to camp too?” And there was Seth’s loophole.

“Hmm...you know, that’s a good point,” Dr. B. said. “We should ask him.”

“I’ll go if Dean goes,” said Seth resolutely. “He loves rock climbing.” 

Tony shook his head as they packed up to go. Maybe he was wrong, but he had a feeling it was going to take more than rock climbing to convince Dean to go.

Turns out, he was wrong.

Dean was more than amenable to going to Camp Triumph with his little brother, proclaiming that he’d look after Seth in case he needed him. So the next week found them driving Dean and Seth to the bus. Lily was slightly tearful at the thought of two of her babies going to camp without her for a week, but Roman clapped them both on the back.

“I’m proud of you guys,” he said. “Can’t wait to hear all about it.”

Tony figured Roman couldn’t wait to have some quiet time either.

 

_____________________________

 

It had never really occurred to Seth that there were other kids with similar problems to his. He just didn’t know any, and he was so different from all of the other boys at school based on his shyness alone, nevermind that he was a foster child and he didn’t too well, and he was small for his age, and smarter than most of the other kids. No one ever bullied him at school, and Seth suspected no one would even if it hadn’t been for Roman and Dean, but even so, all of those factors combined to make a cocktail of difference that separated Seth from everyone else. The concept of meeting another kid his age who understood without him having to explain was intriguing. 

He was glad Dean came too, though. Even if he could be fairly certain that Dean was primarily along for the rock wall and the campout food. Seth didn’t mind. Their mother had helped them pack everything the brochure said they would need: shorts, tshirts, bathing suits, lots of socks and underwear, extra shoes, sunscreen, soap, etc. She also stuck in some stamps and paper and envelopes.

“I expect you to write me at least once,” she said.

Now, reflecting on all of this as Seth sat next to Dean on the three-hour bus ride, he couldn’t decide whether he was scared or excited. A combination of both was probably accurate. Because the activities looked wicked fun and the food sounded amazing, but it was the counseling that he wasn’t at all sure about. He wondered how Dean intended to handle that, but figured his brother’s plan was probably to just sit and not offer anything up. Seth suspected he wouldn’t be required to talk, but he also knew he would be asked. He’d never done group therapy before. They’d tried a few times in the beginning, but Seth had been too skittish back then, and it had usually ended with Seth hiding under a chair sobbing until everyone had left the room and then his mother and Dr. B had to coax him out. Then he’d made so much progress so quickly that Dr. B had let the concept of groups go. He knew that Dean had done group a few times and while he didn’t like it, he tolerated it.

When they arrived at Camp Triumph, they were divided into their groups and Seth realized with dismay that he and Dean were not sleeping in the same cabin. He swallowed down panic. 

“It’ll be okay,” Dean, realizing Seth’s fear, whispered into his ear. “I’ll sneak in after everyone else goes to sleep. Don’t worry.” This made Seth feel considerably better. As he made his way to a cabin, he noticed a boy watching him. The boy had red hair and freckles, and his eyes were brilliant blue. He quickly looked away when their eyes met.

Their eyes met again when they arrived at the cabin and realized that their beds were right next to each other. Seth began to slowly unpack, then paused when he realized there was a note from his mother under his t-shirts.

_“Bub,_  
I know you’re going to have a great time at camp. I also know it’s kind of a scary thing, but I’m so proud of you for trying. I already miss you and you haven’t even left yet, but I can’t wait til I get to see you again and hear about all of the amazing things you did and all of the friends I know you will make. I love you, Seth Rollins. You make me proud every single day.  
Love, Mama” 

Seth felt tears well up in his eyes; he missed his mother. Suddenly he felt the bed dip next to him. It was the red-headed boy.

“You’re Seth,” he said quietly. Seth nodded, wondering how on earth he had known that, until he realized that his name was on the luggage tag on his duffel.

“I’m Noah,” the boy said, his voice still quiet. “Are you homesick?”

Seth nodded again, then said,

“I didn’t think I was, but my mom left me this note…”

He handed the note to Noah, who read it silently.

“Your Mom sounds amazing,” he finally said.

“She is. Technically she’s my foster mom but she and my dad are trying to adopt us.”

“I’m a foster kid too,” Noah said. “Who is us?”

“My foster brothers. There are three of us.”

“I’ve got two brothers too. Biological though. There weren’t many foster homes willing to take all three of us,” Noah confided. “So...how old are you?”

“I turned 14 last month,” replied Seth. “How about you?”

“Two months ago. Do you like Harry Potter?” Noah asked. Seth just grinned.

Later on at dinner, he told Dean he didn’t have to sneak out. 

The first night, Seth couldn’t fall asleep, so he and his buddy (who ended up being a counselor Seth knew named Jermaine) played cards in the rec room until he finally got sleepy. The second night it stormed, which meant he wasn’t coming out from under his blanket, period, but his new friend Noah seemed to understand, so he laid under Seth’s bed and talked to him, and then they let Dean come in with them, and he felt infinitely better after that. By the third night, Seth was too exhausted to do anything but sleep.

The days were extremely fun, though. He and Dean had signed up for a lot of the same activities, and he had a few with Noah as well. Seth and Noah had a lot in common. It felt different, hanging out with someone who wasn’t Roman or Dean, but Seth liked it. They discovered they were both the youngest, both loved reading, both did well in school. Both enjoyed sports but neither played on any sort of team. And they were both determined to make it to the top of the rock wall before camp was over. Seth had watched as Dean scaled it on the very first day. It didn’t surprise him, either; Dean was pretty athletic and not nearly as scrawny as Seth, so it made sense. When Seth tried it, he got barely halfway up before his fingers gave out and he let go and swung from the safety tether. Noah didn’t fare much better. It was still pretty fun, though, and Seth was willing to keep practicing.

They rode horses. They hiked and climbed trees. They practiced the obstacle course, and fell into the lake more than once, but the obstacle course was one thing where Seth’s smallish stature was actually an advantage. He was able to pull himself across the hanging rings and zip line with ease. Seth and Jermaine and Noah and his buddy, Alex, paddled a canoe across the lake, and once they’d mastered that, they were allowed to try a kayak with no adults. Everything would have been perfect, except for group.

Seth was never made to speak, but just listening to things and feelings that had happened to the others was hard enough. It made Seth want to curl up in a ball and cover his ears, so he wouldn’t have to hear it, but he knew he couldn’t do that. Knowing there were other kids that had experienced similar trauma just...didn’t make him feel any better.

 

____________________________

 

Dean, meanwhile, had absolutely no issue spilling his guts in group.

“Yeah, so my first mom was addicted to meth and cocaine, and she was really in need of a fix one night, so she offered me up to her boyfriend in exchange for drugs,” he had said matter of factly. “And I’m over it, or I would be, if people didn’t keep asking me to tell them all about it.”

That was pretty much the end of Dean sharing in group. He listened, though, and a couple of times, he spoke up about a few of the things he had learned. To one red-headed boy named Patrick, he said,

“I get how you’re feeling but you’ve got to remember there’s nothing wrong with YOU. A grown man getting his jollies off a kid has something wrong with him. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Took me awhile to realize that so was I. But we’re both out now right?” 

Patrick had nodded, and later that afternoon Dean noticed him hanging out with that kid who’d become pals with Seth. Then he realized they must be brothers. He approached Patrick later on.

“So, uh, I didn’t come here with the intention of making friends or anything, but I noticed our little brothers seem to be getting tight,” Dean said. Patrick grinned.

“So Seth is your brother? He’s all Noah talks about. He and Seth did this, he and Seth did that.”

“Ain’t they adorable?” Dean said with a smirk and Patrick laughed.

“It’s been hard, you know? We’ve finally got a foster family who’s willing to keep us together, but for awhile it was just me and Noah. We’ve got an older brother too, but he’s not here ‘cuz no one ever molested him and ever since he turned 17, he’s busy being a big man on campus anyway,” Patrick told Dean.

“ We’ve got a big brother too,” Dean said, “and he’s not here for the same reason. I came along to keep an eye on Seth. And you know, have fun climbing the wall.”

“Have you done the obstacle course yet?” Patrick wanted to know.

“I’m working on it but it’s a bitch,” Dean muttered, and Patrick nodded his agreement.

As determined as Seth was to master the rock wall, Dean was intent on killing that obstacle course. First, you had to run through the sand and get up a very steep wall. Dean could do that; that was simple. Then you had to hop from platform to platform, kind of like a frog jumping on lily pads, and Dean could do that too. However, then there was a set of rings out over the lake. The idea was you’d swing from ring to ring and when you got to the end you jumped onto a platform. Dean had trouble judging the distance, but eventually he mastered that as well, and the zip line was easy. The big problem was the balance beam. The last part of the course was a long beam that you ran across. Dean fell into the lake every single time he attempted it. 

This frustrated him to no end; he wasn’t a damn quitter, and he only had a handful of days to get this right.

He had a cheering section, though. Patrick, Seth, and Noah, and their buddies, and Dean’s own buddy Joe, all constantly encouraged him.

In all, he was having the time of his life. He was there when Seth needed him, he was trying new things, and he was spending copious amounts of time outdoors. What could be better?

 

______________________________

 

By Thursday, the topic in group had turned to taking a stand against your abusers. Seth wondered if he could possibly still avoid speaking up. As he listened to the other boys, he realized he had to say something; so many of them were terrified to face the person who had harmed them. So when there was a break in the conversation, Seth raised his hand.

The counselor running the group, a woman named Amy, asked him what he would like to say. Seth tensed for a moment, not at all sure he could do it, but then he felt Jermaine’s hand on his shoulder.

“When I was a baby, my mother left me with my father,” Seth began. “I found out earlier this summer that she has schizophrenia, and I guess she felt she couldn’t take care of me. I don’t know if she knew how he was or not, but for as long as I can remember, my father hurt me. Beat me and stuff. Tied me up and made me sit in the closet. I remember once, he knelt on my shoulders so he could whip my bottom with a belt and I had no idea what I had ever done wrong.

“He never touched me...you know, like that. But when I was 7, the state found out about the abuse and pulled me. I went to my first foster home, and the woman there beat me worse. So I got taken from her, and the next family, the father...he...molested me. That was the first time that had ever happened, and I felt so...disgusting. I hid it from my social worker, not that he probably would’ve been much help anyway.

“When he realized I was going to tell on him soon, they shuffled me off again. By then I was almost 10, and that’s when I got sent to the first group home. It might have been okay, but it was overcrowded and about a month later, I had to go to a new home. It was horrible. I was one of the smallest boys there.”

Seth began to cry then, remembering what it had been like.

“Once I’d been there a couple of months, one night, one of the oldest boys, who was like, 17 and huge, came into my room and he...he, um...he raped me. At first I didn’t even know what had happened to me. I didn’t know anything about stuff like that. I just knew it hurt. A lot. And it kept happening. No matter how I cried or screamed, no one ever stopped it and they knew. The adults knew. I wasn’t the only one it was happening to. And every time it did happen, I just...gave up a little.

“I stopped eating. I couldn’t sleep. I just wanted to die, like every day I’d wake up in the morning and cry because I was still there. I stopped talking. No one was listening to me anyway. Then one day...I call them my angels. Some prospective parents had been to the group home and seen stuff that concerned them, so they reported it to DCF. They launched an investigation, and one day, the police came. I didn’t know they were there to help me; I was so weak I could hardly walk by then, and when the officer lifted me up to carry me out of there, I tried to scream and fight with him. I had no idea that he was taking me to safety. 

“In the hospital, I met my foster family. I have parents and brothers now, and last summer, there was a trial. The people who ran that home were being charged with endangering children, and I...I had to testify. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I hated every minute. But I’m still happy and proud that I did it because those people went to jail and now they can never hurt another kid. I can’t change what happened to me, no matter how much I want to. But if no other boy goes through that because of those people...it was worth it.”

When Seth was through speaking, everyone clapped. And every adult in the room had tears in their eyes. He sat down and felt strangely...lighter. After group was over, a boy named Drew approached Seth.

“I have to testify soon, against my father,” Drew confided. “I think I can do it now. Thank you for sharing your story.”

Seth knew he would never doubt his ability to share again.

 

_______________________________

 

Friday was the last day of camp before Mom, Dad, and Roman would come to pick them up on Saturday, and Dean was out of time. He still hadn’t completed the obstacle course. He scaled that wall over and over, but that wasn’t where his sights were set. Then Patrick made a suggestion. 

“Try it with your eyes closed. Don’t look at your feet. Just envision them doing what they need to do.”

It worked. Then it worked a second time and a third. Dean did it. He really did it. 

By the next morning, however, Seth still hadn’t made it all the way up the wall. He never gave up trying, but Dean could tell he was disappointed.

“I think you should do it for the parents anyway,” Dean told him.

“But I haven’t...I haven’t been triumphant. And that’s whole point.” Seth argued.

“How can you possibly say you haven’t been triumphant? Seth, you went to sleep away camp. You made friends, including Noah, who we both know you’re still going to hang out with after we go home. You inspired a kid to stand up to the person who hurt him. You’ve had more triumphs than anyone here. You know Mom and Dad don’t care if you never make it up that wall. They’re proud of you for never giving up---and so am I.”

Seth nodded. 

“Okay. Okay, I’ll try one more time.”

Mid-afternoon Saturday, parents began showing up. When Dean and Seth saw the Escalade, they raced towards it. Roman was out of it before it even became to a complete stop.

“You guys can never leave me again!” Roman exclaimed. “I’ve never been so bored in my life!”

“You were an only child for like three years before us, Rome,” Dean pointed out.

“Yeah, well, now I know what I was missing.” 

They both startled by a shriek.

“MAMA!” Seth yelled happily, propelling himself into Lily’s waiting arms. 

“Hi, bub!” Lily hugged him tight, reaching for Dean with her other arm. “Hello, sweetie. How was your week?”

“It was amazing!” Dean said. “I’m really glad we came, Mom.”

They introduced their family to Patrick and Noah, who by then had been reunited with their foster parents, Mike and Lindsey, and their oldest brother Simon. As the parents talked, they discovered that the Miller brothers didn’t live far from the Girardi’s at all. Tony was already inviting them over for a cookout when Dean began to get ready to show his parents his Triumph. 

He made it through everything, including the balance beam, but then as part of his victory celebration, he leaped into the lake anyway. Then, because he could, he began chasing Roman begging for a hug. Everyone except Seth began laughing. Seth just looked...nervous. Dean figured he was afraid of the rock wall.

Seth didn’t need to be nervous, though.

Jermaine strapped him in to the safety tethers, and he began to climb. Dean and Roman screamed encouragement. About two thirds up, Seth stopped, seemingly losing his footing, but he didn’t let go. He waited where he was for a moment before continuing his ascent. And then, the next thing Dean knew, Seth was standing at the top.

Dean couldn’t hear anything for the screaming, but he was completely overcome with pride and happiness. Seth had achieved his Triumph. Even though it had totally been a triumphant week for both of them, he’d done it. Dean couldn’t wait to hug the crap out of his brother.


	26. Fate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quickie chapter, but I think this is my favorite one so far!

Three weeks later the family was home again when one Friday afternoon, Cassie drove up to their house. Dean answered the door, figuring that she must be there to see his parents and Roman. They hadn’t yet had his adoption hearing.

“Dean!” Cassie always seemed so happy to see the boys. “You’ve grown another two inches, I swear.”

“I’m as tall as Mom now,” Dean said proudly. “Hang on. I’ll go get her and Roman.”

“Actually…” Cassie paused, then went on. “You go get your Mom, but actually I’m here to see you and Seth. Think you can find him for me?”

This seemed strange to Dean, but he agreed. A few moments later found Cassie, Lily, Seth, and Dean sitting in the living room with cold drinks. Roman joined out of pure curiosity. 

“Is Dad at work?” Cassie asked the boys.

“Yes,” Seth answered. “When he gets home, we’re driving to San Antonio. We’ve been packing.”

“Visiting your grandparents?”

Seth nodded. Dean noticed him absently playing with their mother’s fingers. He seemed anxious, which made total sense. A surprise visit from Cassie was welcome but rare. As the boys’ social worker, it was entirely within her right to just show up at the house to check on their welfare, but in their particular situation she seemed to know she didn’t have to.

“Well, let’s get to it,” Cassie began. “I’ve got some news on the adoption front for both Dean and Seth.” Dean watched his mother closely. Something in her face had changed, but Dean couldn’t peg what, and he didn’t think he liked it. Seth’s grip on her fingers tightened, and she tightened her hand around his, then reached for Dean’s as well.

“Okay...tell me something good, Cass,” Lily’s voice didn’t betray her; she sounded perfectly like herself.

“I got better than good.” Cassie smiled broadly. “First of all, Seth, we’ve located your biological mother.”

Seth gave Cassie a defiant look and then turned and rested his head against their mother.

“That’s NOT good and I’m NOT going.”

“Going where?” Cassie asked softly.

“Away.”

“Bub...no one’s going to take you away. Right, Cassie?”

“Oh, Seth. Of course we’re not. Your mother, Adria, is alive. She lives in a home for mentally disabled adults. She’s in no condition to care for a child. The state has determined that while she has committed no crimes, she’s not fit to be a parent. They’re in the process of terminating her parental rights, and as soon as that happens, your parents will be able to adopt you.” 

Seth’s grip on their mother’s hand didn’t loosen, and he raised it up so it was resting in his hair. Lily instinctively began to stroke it gently. Dean watched both of their faces. His mom’s seemed to relax, but Seth’s lips were trembling.

“Bub?” Lily questioned. Seth just buried his face into her then, his shaking shoulders giving away his sobs. Dean didn’t understand; Seth was supposed to be happy. He considered saying as much, but then he felt Roman’s hand on his shoulder and he remained silent.

“It’s okay, Seth,” Lily whispered. “It’s okay. It’s a lot to take in, huh?” Seth nodded but didn’t speak. 

“We’ll be okay,” Lily said calmly. She maintained her grip on Seth, but Dean felt her other arm tighten around him. “So how about this one?”

Cassie turned to Dean. He couldn’t look her in the eye, but then she took his hands.

“Dean...I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but Shelby Ambrose was found dead this morning.”

Everybody in the room sat there in stunned silence. Dean felt himself begin to shake his head, though he didn’t think he was really controlling it. Lily sucked in a   
sharp breath. Roman’s hand on his arm got even tighter. And Seth’s shoulders stilled.

“She...she’s...she’s dead? What...what does? How? Why? Mama?” Dean knew he sounded like a wimp but he couldn’t help it. He had absolutely no idea what was happening, but it didn’t sound good. Furthermore, he figured he ought to be happy at this news, but something inside him was not happy, not even a little. Lily pulled him close.

“Oh, goodness. Oh, sweets. It’s okay, Dean. Seth. Boys. Do you understand what Cassie’s saying?” Dean shook his head and Lily gazed into his eyes.

“It means that I get to adopt all three of my boys,” she said quietly. Dean froze. Seth continued to sob and shake. Roman and Lily had tears in their eyes too. Slowly Dean looked around to Cassie.

“How did she die?” He whispered.

“She overdosed,” Dean knew this would be the answer before Cassie said it. That didn’t make it easier, but it did make sense. A spark lit inside him. 

“I’m getting adopted?”

“Dean,” Lily’s voice was soft in his ear. “You are most certainly getting adopted.”

At that, Dean couldn’t help it anymore. He let the tears that had been threatening to flow loose. Roman joined them in a group hug. Cassie just sat there smiling. Lily kissed Dean and Seth on their foreheads. 

“We need to call Daddy,” she murmured. 

 

_________________________________

 

Tony drove as fast as he could towards home and his boys. And Lily too, of course. Being in the FBI definitely had it’s perks. So speed limit forgotten, he sped down the highway. 

He was thrilled to see that Cassie’s car was still in the driveway; she was the first person he hugged when he ran into the living room. He came to Roman next and then he sat down on the couch and scooped Seth into his arms and held him tight, thrilled when his youngest held on to him in return. He thought back to the time when Seth didn’t want anything to do with him, and he held his son out at arm’s length. Seth smiled tearfully at him.

“You’re okay with this, Seth?” Tony whispered.

“Yes,” Seth whispered back. 

“I love you, my son,” Tony replied.

“I love you too, Daddy.”

Tony turned to Dean.

“Fate,” was all he said. Dean nodded in return.

“Fate,” he said. Then they hugged tight, and for a long time. Finally, Tony turned to Lily. He reached for her hands and pulled her to his feet. As the three boys and Cassie watched, he kissed her deeply. 

“I love you, Mama,” he said softly.

“I love you too, Daddy,” Lily was crying buckets. They turned to their boys.

“Come here,” Lily murmured. That was all they needed to hear. All three of them leaped into their parents’ embrace, and then all five of them were clinging to each other for dear life. There was hugging and crying, and holding and kisses, and even Cassie was crying as she watched from the side. 

Lily turned to her.

“When?” 

Cassie grinned.

“As soon as possible. I’ve got the papers right here. Would you like it if I tried to get all three adoption hearings on the same day?”

“Yes. Yes, we would love that,” Tony answered her. That would seal the deal, he knew. Adopting all of them on the same day would be epic. Perfect. He couldn’t wait.


	27. Not the Way Mom Makes It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 101 kudos? No WAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
> 
> Thank you, everyone, for the continued support. I love every single comment, kudo, bookmark, and hit. Still can't believe my very first story has gone over so well!

The boys spent the drive to San Antonio trying out their new names. Roman Girardi. Dean Girardi. Seth Girardi. 

“Which one sounds best, Mom?” Dean wondered. Lily refused to play THAT game, though.

“I think they all sound handsome. What about your middle names? Are you going to keep those?”

Middle names were rarely if ever used in the Girardi household, mainly because Dean and Seth both shared their middle names with their biological fathers, Bradley and Matthew respectively, so no one wanted to hear it. Roman’s full name, Roman David, was okay, but while Lily and Tony tended to be big nickname people, they never did get into the habit of calling them by their full names.

“You mean we get a choice?” Seth asked dubiously.

“Of course you do. They’re your names.”

“Well, I want a different one,” said Dean. 

“Me too!” Seth exclaimed.

They both looked at Roman expectantly, and he shrugged.

“I’m down with changing mine. I just don’t---what’ll we change them to?”

“I want to be named after Daddy,” said Seth. “Can I Mom?”

“Well…” Lily began, but Dean cut her off.

“No way! I want to be named after Dad!”

 

Then Roman interjected.

“Sorry, brothers, but I’m the oldest, so I get to be named after Dad. Right, Mama?”

Lily just laughed, and she noticed Tony’s shoulders shaking as he drove.

“Looks like it’s either all of you or none of you,” she said.

“Well, it can’t be all of us,” Dean whined.

“Then I guess it’s none of you,” Lily replied. “You could always go with Anthony, Angelo, and James, after Dad and your grandfathers?”

“But then someone still has to be Anthony. Who gets that name?” Seth asked?

“I already told you, since I’m the oldest…” Roman began.

“No. You already get everything ‘because you’re the oldest’, Rome. We’ll draw straws or something.”

“But guys, if we do that, one of us will have to be Angelo…” Seth pointed out.

Lily cracked up laughing at the looks on all of their faces; apparently Angelo was not a name any of them especially liked.

“What if we did some kind of theme?” Roman suggested.

“Themes are dumb,” Dean muttered.

“Like what?” Seth wanted to know. “Names from Harry Potter?”

Dean glared at his brother.

“No way.”

“No, I meant like something we all like. I don’t know...John, Jacob, and James from Halo?”

“I don’t like Halo that much. How about something from Call of Duty?” Seth asked.

“WHICH Call of Duty?” Dean said.

“Ugh...why is this so hard?” Roman groaned. “Mama, if you had given birth to us, what would you have named us?”

The question silenced Dean and Seth; this was surprisingly not a topic that had ever been discussed before. Lily thought for a moment.

“Well...let’s see. We kicked around a lot of names back when we were still in baby mode,” Lily considered their question. “What do you think, T?”

“Hmm...you’re right, we did kick around a lot of names,” Tony agreed. 

“We definitely intended to name our first son Nicholas,” Lily said. 

“Yeah, and I think our second pick was Benjamin,” Tony continued.

“Ah, that’s right,” Lily smiled softly. “We’d have called them Nicky and Benjy.”

“Nick and Ben,” Tony corrected. 

Lily laughed.

“Well, we’d agreed on the names anyway,” she said. “The nicknames would’ve been up in the air.”

“Okay,” Dean said impatiently. “Nicholas and Benjamin. What would the third one have been?”

“Your mom always loved William,” Tony answered. “I think I’d have let her go with that.”

“Roman Nicholas, Dean Benjamin, Seth William,” Lily mused.

The three boys looked at each other, recognition dawning on all of their faces. The names were perfect. 

After a late arrival in San Antonio, followed by a long celebration over the pending adoptions, it was nearly 2 am when the boys finally went to bed. Their grandparents had squeezed them, kissed them, and squeezed them some more. Both uncles sandwiched Lily between them in a tight hug, and she cried some more. After the boys turned in for the evening, Lily checked on each of them, making sure they were tucked in and cozy in their beds at Nana and Granddad’s house. Roman and Dean went to sleep immediately, but Seth was still awake when Lily peeked in on him, so she sat down beside him on his bed. 

“Mom? I like my new name,” Seth whispered. 

“Good. Know why I love William so much, bub?” Lily asked him, and when Seth shook his head she continued.

“It means ‘strong warrior.’ My William would’ve been a strong kid. Just like my Seth William is.”

Seth smiled as his eyelids grew heavy, but he managed to mumble something before he fell asleep.

“I love you, Mama.”

“I love you too, baby. I love you so much,” came Lily’s whispered reply.

 

________________________________

 

The adoption went off without a hitch, and when the judge congratulated Lily and Tony and introduced Roman Nicholas Girardi, Dean Benjamin Girardi, and Seth William Girardi, Lily cried. The three boys surrounded their parents and the love emitting from the family could be felt all the way to New Orleans. 

Roman about cried himself when he received his football jersey for his sophomore year and it had Girardi printed on the back with his number. The first time he heard “Roman Girardi” over the loudspeaker at a football game, he had to compose himself and remember that he was supposed to be chasing a ball. 

As soon as the season ended, Tony and Roman took their trip to San Francisco, just the two of them. It was an absolute blast; the 9ers won the game and afterwards, he and his father walked down to Pier 39, then went to Ghirardelli Square for the famous ice cream sundaes. It was a short trip, but beyond worth the extra time bonding. In fact, they both had so much fun that they decided to take more trips just the two of them. And while they were there, his father had informed him again that he was so proud to be his father. 

Right after Thanksgiving, he began learning to drive. His mother took him to the DMV to take his writing test for his learner’s permit. Before they left, Roman spent quite a bit of time brushing his hair; he wanted the picture on it to look perfect, and he only stopped to chase Dean when he began teasing him mercilessly. Seth looked on with his usual quiet curiosity, but he smiled at the sight of his brothers rolling around on the ground pretending to pound each other. Their mother intervened, scolding Dean and taking Roman to the bathroom so she could resume brushing. She told him he looked incredibly handsome, and it made his heart swell. 

For Christmas, they went to Florida. They spent a week at Universal Orlando Resort, where Dean added Orlando to his Hard Rock collection. And the boys rode rides over and over for days. Seth teased Dean and Roman a little about riding roller coasters when they’d been afraid of a simple Ferris wheel, but it was all good-natured fun. They also spent an entire day at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, strictly for Seth’s benefit. Watching their baby brother, Roman and Dean agreed happily, was the best part of the trip; Seth had been so wide-eyed and happy. The entire trip was amazing.

Once they returned to Houston and started back at school, though, Dean’s antagonizing got worse. Roman wasn’t sure what was going on, but having Dean begging for his life in the back seat while Roman tried to drive his brothers and mother home from school did not help decrease the stress Roman was already under. Their mom warned Dean repeatedly to keep his mouth shut, but Dean continued to act like a jerk. It wasn’t unlike him to act like a jerk once in awhile, but it was definitely unlike him to keep it up once he’d been called on it.

Roman knew he should try to talk to his brother, but he just didn’t want to yet. He found himself gravitating towards Seth instead. That was difficult too, though. Roman could tell that the tension between him and Dean was bothering Seth a great deal, and Seth really didn’t seem interested in being around either one of them. 

Then one afternoon, everything went to hell.

Lily was at work, but Tony had left the office early and picked the boys up from school, so of course, Roman was allowed to drive home. Dean began silently kicking the back of Roman’s seat, and somehow Tony didn’t notice. By now Roman was fairly schooled on what to do about Dean in this mood, and usually ignoring him worked but he didn’t stop. Roman didn’t miss the glares Seth was shooting Dean’s way, though, and once they made it home, he heard Seth hiss,

“Quit it. You’re being a moron.” Roman didn’t hear Dean’s response.

Roman retired to the living room to begin his homework and Seth joined him shortly after, though he didn’t seem to feel like talking to Roman. Then Dean came stalking into the room.

“You left your stupid backpack in the middle of the hallway and I tripped on it,” Dean accused. Roman was 99% sure he’d put his backpack in his bedroom, but he was determined not to take the bait. Instead he wordlessly got up and headed to the kitchen but on his way past, Dean bumped into him. Roman wasn’t sure it was on purpose, but he already had his hackles up and he bumped Dean right back. The bumping turned to shoving, and Roman could barely register Seth protesting in the background. Then, he and Dean went to shove each other at the same time---right as Seth tried to step between them. Before either of them could stop themselves, they made contact with their little brother and he flew through the air and landed face first through the coffee table.

“Oh God, SETH!” Roman screamed at the same time Dean yelled, “DAD!!!”

The coffee table was made of heavy cherry wood and marble. Roman didn’t need to see to know that Seth had not fared well. He knelt beside his brother, noting in panic the blood pooling under Seth’s face. They had to roll him over or he wouldn’t be able to breathe properly. Just then Tony flew into the room.

“What the HELL happened?” 

Dean and Roman tripped over themselves trying to explain as Roman helped their father roll Seth to his back. The sight of his brother’s face made Roman sick to his stomach. There was a huge open gash under Seth’s right eye that trailed at a slant over the bridge of his nose and ended in another deep gash directly above his left eyebrow. Blood poured off of his face and dripped down to the carpet beneath him. Bruises had already begun to form

“Oh, shit. Seth? Talk to me, buddy. C’mon, buddy. Let me hear your voice.” Tony turned to Dean.

“Give me your shirt,” he commanded. Dean didn’t hesitate to peel his t-shirt off and hand it to their father, who rolled it up and pressed it to the gashes on Seth’s face. Seth moaned.

“Seth? Come on, bud. Talk to Dad. Come on, buddy,” Roman could tell Tony was desperate and that scared him. 

“Dad?” Seth mumbled, then groaned again. 

“That’s it, buddy. I’m here,” Tony checked the wounds on Seth’s face, but they continued to bleed. “I think you need some stitches, bub. Just lay nice and still for a sec.”   
Tony turned to Roman.

“How did this happen?”

“He...Dean and I were...we were fighting, Dad. Seth tried to get between us and we knocked him through the table.” Just saying it out loud was enough to make Roman’s stomach roll. Seth was hurt and it was all their fault.

 

______________________________

 

Dean watched the whole thing completely horrified. What had he done? He was such a fucking idiot. Seth looked awful, absolutely terrible. Blood seeped through the t-shirt Dean had given his father, and he was already beginning to swell. He didn’t really seem to know what was going on either; Dean wondered if they’d broken his head. And then there was the look of fury on his father’s face.

“So what I hear you saying,” Tony’s voice was dangerous and soft, “is that you two were physically fighting with each other, and you wound up throwing Seth through the coffee table?”

Roman and Dean both nodded miserably.

“I want you,” their father began, his voice still deathly quiet, “to go to your bedrooms. I need to take Seth to the emergency room. While I am gone, you will not leave your rooms. I expect you to think about this. And I expect you to start thinking about some consequences. Seth, can you---hang on, buddy.” 

Their father stood and left the room for a minute or two, then returned with an armful of clean towels. He gently wrapped one around Seth’s head, trying to stem the flow of the bleeding. 

“Can you hold this right here?” Tony asked Seth, his voice now nothing but tender.

“I---I think so,” Seth croaked, then let out another moan. “What’s happening, Dad?”

“You’re gonna be okay, son. But I need to take you to the hospital to get stitched up. Keep talking to me okay? No sleeping just yet. Can you stand?”

From where Dean was, he could see that Seth’s pupils were the size of dimes, and he figured there was no way his brother would be walking anywhere, but then his father helped him up. He wobbled, clearly dizzy, but he managed to get to the garage door with Tony’s help. Tony called over his shoulder to Roman and Dean,

“Bedrooms. Now.”

Dean and Roman looked at each other. Dean couldn’t read his brother’s expression, but he suspected Roman was feeling similarly scared, angry, and guilty. Without a word, Dean got up and fled to his room. 

He laid on his bed, miserable, trying to think of a suitable consequence that didn’t involve him and Roman having to move out. Dean knew they would have to make it up to Seth and he was willing to do just about anything for that. His chores for a month. His homework. Whatever. But he had a feeling that when his father said consequences, that wasn’t really what he meant.

They wouldn’t send him away, surely. They’d adopted him, dammit, and that meant that no matter how badly he screwed up, they promised to keep him anyway. But what if that wasn’t what it meant at all? It had never before occurred to him that maybe his parents didn’t really mean it; maybe they only did it to shut him up because Seth or Roman or even both of them was who they really wanted. A second later, Dean scolded himself. 

“You’re an idiot,” he muttered at himself under his breath; being stupid wasn’t going to fix anything. He didn’t know what to do, though. He wanted to get his phone and text his father to see how Seth was; he wanted to text Seth and apologize and beg for forgiveness, but he knew neither of them would be checking their phones in the ER. Then Dean wondered if his father had called his mother. Surely he had. But still...perhaps if he called her himself and confessed everything before she could hear it secondhand, he could still save face, with her at least.

Dean found her name in his contacts and hit the call button, but as the call connected, he could hear the haunting sound of his little brother moaning. He should have known he would be too late; his mom may well have been working in that very hospital when his father arrived with Seth. Still, he felt compelled to tell her everything and was put out when he heard her say,

“What do you need, son?”

Not even hello. Dean’s heart sank lower.

“I...Mama?”

“Yes, Dean. What’s going on?”

Dean. She called him Dean. Not sweetie, or baby, or love. 

“I just...is Seth---” At that moment, his mother interrupted him, speaking soothingly to Seth.

“Hang on. You’re being such a good boy, bub. I know this hurts. Squeeze Mama’s hand.” Then to Dean,

“Seth needs me right now. We’ll talk at home.” Then the call disconnected.

Damn.

I need you too, he wanted to scream. But he couldn’t even really be jealous, considering it was all his fault that any of them needed her right then. Dean could feel his anxiety rising. He was upset and angry with himself and scared for Seth, and he didn’t have a clue what he was supposed to do next.

 

_________________________________

 

Roman laid on his bed and stared at the wall. The entire situation was unbelievable and he couldn’t get Seth’s damaged face out of his head. Or the sound of the thud he made when he hit the table. Roman was legit terrified that they had seriously hurt their baby brother, and for what? Because he couldn’t handle Dean’s taunting? Sure, he hadn’t done anything (that he could think of anyway) that would justify Dean’s behavior, but still. He was the oldest; he was supposed to be strong and sturdy and set a good example. His parents must be so disappointed in him, and he couldn’t stand the thought of it.

He couldn’t think of a consequence that he found suitable. Really there was no good way to make this up to Seth. There was nothing to say except how sorry he was, and sorry didn’t seem like it was too appropriate in this case. He wished his parents would hurry and bring his brother home.

Roman considered going to see what Dean was doing, but paused when he remembered the look on his father’s face when he told them to stay in their rooms. Although their father wasn’t there…

Deciding it was worth disobedience just this once, armed with the excuse that they were brainstorming consequences in case they did get caught, Roman got up and slipped down the hall. His stomach growled impatiently; by now it was almost 7 and of course, there’d been no discussion of dinner. He wondered if he should fix something. He was starving, Dean was probably starving, and he doubted his parents had eaten. Maybe if they came home to a meal and a nice clean kitchen…

Arriving in Dean’s doorway, he announced his arrival.

“Dean!”

Dean had his back to his brother, but he turned to look at Roman when he heard his name.

“What? What are you doing? We’re supposed to be in our rooms.”

“I know that, but I had an idea. Come on.”

As Roman led Dean to the kitchen, he informed him of his plan. Dean stopped cold, though.

“Oh, no. You’re forgetting one very important thing here, Rome. Neither of us can cook.”

“Come on, dude. If you can read you can cook. I know there’s food; Mom just went shopping yesterday. Don’t you want to have dinner waiting when they get home?”

“Well...okay. You make whatever you want, but I’m sticking with salad. You can’t ruin salad.”

Roman sighed but agreed; it didn’t seem worth arguing with Dean. He opened the fridge; it was packed. Their mother always told them that cooking for them was an adventure because they were always hungry and would eat almost anything. He found a package of raw chicken breasts and pulled those out. Then he went digging and found his mother’s recipe for chicken Parmesan. That should be simple.

The first thing the recipe said to do was wash the chicken and pat it dry. Easy enough.

Roman began to fill the sink with water and a little soap. Dean watched with reserved curiosity from the kitchen island, where he was tearing lettuce into pieces.

“I don’t think that’s how Mom does it,” he told Roman stoicly.

“That’s what the recipe says,” Roman replied as he carefully washed each piece of chicken with soap and water. “Now pat dry---hey, Dean, hand me a dish towel.”

Once the chicken was washed and dried, Roman returned to the recipe. 

“Dip chicken in egg and cover in breadcrumbs. Brown on each side.”

“Here,” said Dean helpfully. “Here’s an egg.” 

“Thanks,” said Roman. “Now breadcrumbs...breadcrumbs.”

“How do you make those?” Dean wanted to know.

“It doesn’t say,” Roman answered. “But crumbs are just small pieces right? And we have bread.”

Dean nodded. 

“Better use wheat,” he told his brother. “I bet that’s how you get it brown.”

“Good thinking,” said Roman. “See, this isn’t so hard. So now we need to get this into tiny pieces.”

“Wait, shouldn’t we cook the egg first?” Dean wondered.

“It doesn’t say to; it just says dip the chicken in the egg.”

“Yeah, I know, but raw egg makes you sick doesn’t it? We don’t want to poison the whole family.”

“Hmm...you’re right.”

While Roman cooked the egg, Dean tackled the job of breaking the bread into little pieces.

“These still look bigger than crumbs,” he complained. “Are you sure we’re doing this right?”

“This is what the directions say,” Roman muttered in response. “Maybe they shrink in the oven. Like when something shrinks in the dryer?”

“Rome, you’re a genius,” Dean beamed at his brother. “How’s the egg coming?”

“I think it’s done. I scrambled it.”

They tried for several minutes to dip the chicken in the egg, but the egg wouldn’t really stick. Finally they put the chicken pieces in a baking dish and scooped some egg onto each piece and then sprinkled their bread crumbs over the top.

“Now it says to add two jars of spaghetti sauce and top with shredded mozzarella and bake at 350͒ for 45 minutes.”

Dean found spaghetti sauce while Roman searched the fridge.

“Damn,” he said. “We don’t have shredded mozzarella. Only cheddar. Or Dad’s aged Swiss.”

“Use the Swiss,” Dean said. “It looks more like mozzarella so it’ll probably taste closer.”

Roman pulled out the package. Seven-year aged Swiss. He wrinkled his nose at the smell. 

“Heating it must make the flavor simmer down,” he said hopefully. “How do we get it in little shreds like the cheddar?”

“I don’t know; they come that way,” Dean answered. “Let’s just cut some off with a knife. It’ll be cheesier that way anyway.”

Once Roman had the cheese on top, he stepped back and regarded his masterpiece. Dean was right; it really looked nothing like when their mother made it, but Roman didn’t think it looked that bad for a first go. He turned on the oven and then stuck the chicken parm in and closed the door. Then he set the timer for 45 minutes. It wasn’t too long before a very strong, Swiss cheesy smell began wafting out of the oven. 

The boys looked at each other.

“Guess the heat doesn’t tone it down,” Dean choked out. “Let’s go in the living room while we wait.” Roman nodded.

“So...have you thought up a good consequence?” Roman asked Dean once they were seated side by side on the sofa.

“None that don’t require hanging,” Dean answered dully. “You know, Rome, if we got in trouble more often, thinking of ways to punish us would be way easier.”

Roman laughed drily.

“Maybe, but could you handle feeling like this more often than we do?”

Dean shook his head.

“Good point,” he said. “I can’t get the look on Dad’s face out of my head, or how Seth looked like hamburger meat.” He sighed and turned to his brother.

“Rome? I’m sorry.”

Roman looked at Dean. 

“You’re apologizing to me?”

“Yeah, ‘cuz if I hadn’t been such a sandy little butthole---”

Roman couldn’t help it; he laughed out loud at that.

“Well, that’s one way to put it,” Roman said. “So what’s that all about anyway? Did I do something to make you angry?”

“No. You just turned 15 ½,” Dean muttered, staring at his feet.

“Well...yeah,” Roman said slowly. “And in June, so will you. And next November, so will Seth. So what? Are you jealous?”

“A little bit. Because you get everything first because you’re the oldest, and Seth’s the baby and he’s got his issues, so sometimes I feel...I don’t know. Like I have to act that way sometimes to get noticed.”

“Well, you sure got that,” Roman said. “But Dean...look, they notice you. We all do. None of us would be complete without you.”

“Yeah, I know,” Dean said. “It’s not just that. Sometimes I still just...feel like there’s a weight on me.”

“A weight?” 

“Yeah, I...I don’t know, Rome. Most of the time I feel okay, ever since I started counselling, but every so often I just...I start to doubt...everything.”

“Hey. Dean. I think that...I think all three of us do that.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I know I do. I bet Seth does too.”

“You? You’re like...perfect, Rome.”

“Me?”

“Yeah...star football player, great grades, never ever in trouble, all the girls love you---what do YOU have to worry about? That your hair will start falling out?”

“No, I…” Roman began, then stopped. Now that he was about to say it, it sounded silly. 

“You what?” Dean prodded.

“I guess I worry that someday, the tightrope is going to break.”


	28. In the Middle

_“I guess I worry that someday, the tightrope is going to break.”_

Dean wasn’t sure exactly what Roman meant by that, but before he could ask, the timer went off. Dinner was done. Although based off the smell alone, Dean had a feeling that dinner was done before it even got started. He filed Roman’s tightrope comment away to ask him about later, when they didn’t have a smelly, hot, gross mess to deal with.

They went into the kitchen and Roman found two oven mitts, and he pulled their concoction out and set it on the counter. It looked horrid.

Dean looked at Roman. Roman looked at Dean. And then they heard the garage door open. Seconds later, their mother walked into the kitchen. Lily looked around and sniffed the air. Then she caught her boys’ eyes. Then she looked down at the pan sitting on the counter, its putrid aroma coming off of it in waves. And then...she began to laugh.

She hadn’t been angry over the destroyed meal. Instead, Lily instructed Dean to throw the chicken in the trash (the outside trash, she repeated more than once), then helped them clean up the kitchen, explaining as they did it what was going on.

“So Seth’s got about 50 stitches total and a mild concussion. I went ahead and came home so I could stop at the pharmacy for his painkillers on the way. He and Daddy shouldn’t be too much longer.”

“Mama? Roman and I---” Dean started, but his mother waved him off. 

“I know, sweetie,” Lily hugged him. “I know you didn’t mean for Seth to get hurt. I know that part was an accident. But it still happened and it could have been prevented. You guys have to think before you act. Listen. I hear Dad’s car. I want you guys to order pizza while we get Seth settled and then we’ll talk okay?”

Dean nodded, and so did Roman. That seemed fair.

An hour or so later, Roman, Dean, and their parents sat around the kitchen table. There was an extra-large chicken fajita pizza in the middle. Dean had watched as his parents gently helped Seth to bed, then had gotten several ice packs ready for his brother while Roman poured him some Gatorade into a cup with ice and a straw. Roman had handed all of it off to his father, then answered the door for the pizza delivery man. Dean and Roman explained the whole situation to their parents, and their parents were just finishing telling them about Seth’s ER experience.

“Did he do okay while he was getting stitched?” Dean wondered, remembering how his brother hated being touched by strangers.

“Actually, he was as still as a stone for that part. They gave him shots of lidocaine for the stitches,” his mother mused. “What sucked was, his eyes are basically swollen shut and they had to get his contacts out. So they essentially had to force the swelling open and flush his eyes until they found each contact. He didn’t like that part too much.”

“So...he can’t see?” Roman asked, his face masked in guilt and sadness.

“He can kind of see. Mainly light and shadows. It’s going to be a day or two before the swelling goes down, and then we’ll have to take him to the eye doctor.”

“Oh,” Dean whispered softly. He felt tears spring into his eyes. He knew he’d probably feel guilty for the rest of his life, and he knew he probably deserved it. 

“Dean? Sweetheart?” Lily stood and came around the table and engulfed Dean into a hug. “Seth’s fine, baby. He’s going to be okay. Don’t cry.”

“N-no, just...it’s all m-my fault,” Dean whispered into her shoulder.

Roman patted Dean’s back.

“It’s not ALL your fault,” he said kindly.

Dean blinked and looked up at his mother.

“I could only think of one consequence,” he mumbled. “You can send me away. Seth’ll be safer if I’m not here. Probably Rome will too. It’s okay. I understand.”

He felt his mother’s arms tighten.

“And where shall I send you?” Dean immediately got the feeling he wasn’t being taken seriously, which relieved him to no end, so he decided to play along.

“I don’t know. Maybe Siberia,” he turned his head so he could see his father and brother, but he kept his head on his mom’s shoulder.

“It’s cold there,” she told him, beginning to rub soft circles on his back.

“Send me without my jacket. I don’t deserve one,” he was relaxing. His mother didn’t loosen her grip on him, though.

“Take a sweater, at least,” Lily murmured calmly. 

“Okay,” he replied.

“Dean?” His mom’s voice was soft.

“Yeah?”

“You’re not going anywhere, baby.” 

Dean nodded against Lily.

“Okay.”

“When I mentioned consequences,” his father began, “that didn’t include shipping anyone off to Siberia. Or Transylvania or Kalamazoo or anywhere else.”

“It didn’t?” Dean already figured this.

“Of course not.”

“We love you. Both of you. All three of you. You don’t get kicked out of this family for making mistakes. That’s not a consequence. That’s a prison sentence, and that’s not how this family runs. And Daddy and I can't live without you. Either of you.” Lily continued to caress Dean’s back. Dean saw Roman lean into their dad’s hug.

“Talk to us, guys,” Tony said softly. “You two have been thick as thieves since you met. Here lately, we can all tell that there’s tension between you.”

“It really is my fault,” Dean said quickly. “I was...I’ve been terrible to Rome. I don’t blame him for getting mad at me.”

“It...Dean, we’re not looking to place blame about what happened tonight, okay?” Lily’s voice was gentle but serious. “What we want to understand is how it got here. Is something going on between you?”

“This has been building,” Tony added.

“No…” Roman said slowly. “Dean and I talked earlier and I think…”

Dean interrupted.

“I told him I’m sorry.”

“That was good of you, but we---Mom and I---aren’t so concerned with you apologizing, though we do appreciate that you took the first step towards fixing it. But again, we’re not asking you to place blame. We love you, and we want to help make this better. But in order to do that, we have to understand what’s wrong.”

Well, that was just great. How was Dean supposed to explain what was wrong when he didn’t even completely understand what was wrong himself? Roman looked equally baffled. 

“Do you guys feel like we love Seth more than you?” Lily asked them suddenly. Roman and Dean looked at each other, and Dean felt slightly alarmed.

“No! Of course not.” Roman was resolute. Dean hesitated, though.

“Dean? Sweetie?” Lily, who had not yet released Dean from her embrace, tightened her arms around him. 

“I know you don’t love him more,” Dean said quietly. 

“Okay...I’m glad you know that,” said Tony. “But where is your hesitation coming from, son?”

“Sometimes it feels like you love Seth...and Roman...different.”

Lily looked at him quizzically, and Dean stopped for a second. It had been a vague statement; he knew that, but he just still wasn’t sure how to explain it. 

“Well...I guess maybe we do,” Lily replied. “I mean I think we love all three of you different. Definitely not more or less, like you said, but you all have---”

“I HATE being different!” It exploded out of Dean before he could stop it.

“What do you mean, buddy?” Tony murmured. Dean just looked at the floor. Then Roman spoke up.

“Dean and I talked before you guys got home. I think...it sounds to me like he feels kind of lost in the middle sometimes.”

Dean couldn’t meet either of his parents’ eyes so he just nodded; that sounded like a good enough way to put it. 

“I understand what you mean, I think,” Lily said softly. “But ‘lost’ isn’t really a feeling. Can you tell me what emotions you feel, sweetness?” 

She hadn’t loosened her grip on him even a tiny bit, which Dean was thankful for. He didn’t want to talk about this; deep down he knew his insecurity was silly and he was so ashamed, but he couldn’t lie to his parents, either. Dean was imperfect; he knew that. And his parents knew it, and they didn’t care. But lying was something he just wasn’t going to do, and he knew they expected his honesty. Still, he couldn’t look them in the eye so instead he spoke to his hands.

“I guess...Roman gets to do everything first because he’s the oldest. He got to go with Dad to California, he’s learning to drive, he’s a good student, everyone loves him, and he’s handsome and nice and perfect. And Seth...like, he’s crazy smart, and he’s been hurt so bad and gotten so much better and he’s the baby, and he’s totally adorable and everyone loves him too. And I...I’m just average. There’s nothing about me that stands out. So Roman was doing all of this really cool stuff, and I got...I guess I felt jealous. And perfect Seth wasn’t jealous at all; everything’s always just okay with him. And I hate myself sometimes for being jealous of either of them anyway because it hasn’t been easy for them either, but I can’t make that feeling go away. So yeah...jealous and angry. And I know I’m supposed to talk about that stuff, but I just...sometimes I just don’t know how.”

Wow. Dean hadn’t even really realized he’d been harboring half the things he said, but once stuff started pouring out of him he couldn’t make it stop. He stared at his lap, his eyes beginning to sting again with shameful tears. And then he felt his mom let go of him. Dammit. Now came the part where his parents got mad at him for being foolish. Dean was sure of that. Instead, he felt his mother lay her hand on his cheek, and then he heard his father’s quiet voice. 

“Dean. Look at us, please.”

When had Dad moved next to them? But suddenly there he was. Dean waited for their response. His mother spoke first.

“Dean Benjamin Girardi,” her voice held no anger, only love and concern. Dean also noted with a pang that there were tears in her eyes; double dammit, now his ranting had made his mother cry. Just when he thought he couldn’t hate himself any more, Lily spoke again.

“You are an exceptional child, Dean. There’s absolutely nothing about you that’s average. My God, you have the hardest job on the planet; the middle child. But you do it so well. So what if you’re amazing in ways that are different from your brothers? We don’t WANT you to be just like them, sweetie.”

“You...you don’t?” Dean had to admit, this revelation startled him a little. 

“Of course not,” Dad’s brown eyes bore into him, and for a moment, Dean felt like his father could see into his soul. “Roman and Seth are their own people too and you’re all three different in amazing ways. You’re every bit as perfect as they are, buddy.” 

Lily nodded.

“First of all, you’re every bit as smart as your brothers. You tend to use your intelligence in a different way, but that doesn’t mean it’s less. You make us laugh like no one else can. You feel your feelings very intensely which I know can be painful sometimes, but you know what? You also take joy in so many things and it makes my heart feel light and happy. No one cares more or loves harder than you do, Dean. You’re brave and daring and fun to be around. I never know what you’re going to do or say next, which, believe me, as your mother, can be terrifying but I don’t regret it for a single second. We don’t regret you, sweetness. Not for one second, not a single part of you.”

“The only person we want you to be is who you are, Dean,” Tony rested his hand on Dean’s other cheek. “And I agree with everything your mother just said, and also you’re the most determined person in the world. Once you set your mind to something, it’s happening. You, son, are incredible. So is Roman, yes. Seth too. But don’t ever forget that you are as well, buddy. There’s no one on the planet that Mama and I would rather have as our middle child than you.”

“Dean, there’s nothing we can do about Roman getting to do some things first, you know? By law, he can learn to drive now. Just like in a few more months, you will too. And you’ll do it before Seth because you’re older. That’s part of life, and you know what? It’s OKAY to feel jealous and angry sometimes,” Lily stroked his cheek absently. “But you can tell Daddy and I how you feel, baby. We are NOT ashamed of you or your feelings, Dean. Never. Never, never ever. We don’t always get to control how we feel anyway. Actions we can control. Feelings aren’t...it’s not like a lightswitch that you can just turn off.”

Tony nodded and Dean was flooded with relief. He sagged against his parents for a few minutes, allowing their quiet voices to soothe him and their gentle touches to calm him. Then he thought of something.

“Rome? What’s the tightrope? What did you mean?”


	29. Lament of the Oldest Child

Roman groaned. This had been Dean’s breakthrough. He instantly regretted even making that comment. Dean’s memory was like a steel trap, and he didn’t let things go. 

“We can talk about that later,” Roman muttered.

“We can talk about it now! You heard Mama; we can talk to them about everything. Right, Mom?” Dad had been right about Dean when he was determined.

“Of course, that’s right,” Lily said calmly. “Are you okay, Roman?”

“I’m okay. I just...could’ve reacted better when Dean was obviously upset. That’s all.”

“But I shoved you first,” Dean said. 

“I know. And I shoved you next. And that...I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You made a mistake, Ro,” Lily murmured. “We all make them. And you know what? It’s okay.” 

Now it was Roman’s turn to hang his head; he couldn’t believe his mother and father were being so forgiving when his ‘mistake’ had harmed one of his brothers. 

“No, it isn’t,” he whispered. 

“Why isn’t it?” Tony wondered.

“Because I’m supposed to set a good example.”

“But...Rome...you DO set a good example,” Dean said softly.

“I didn’t tonight.”

“So?” 

“So Seth---” 

His mother interrupted him, though.

“Roman. Baby. Seth is just fine. He’s going to rest for a few days and heal up and be good as---”

Roman stood up. 

“Look, I---I know. I mean, I know that I can talk to you whenever, just...can we do this later? Please? I don’t feel like it right now.” 

He didn’t wait for a response before walking out of the kitchen, completely missing Dean’s shocked face and the look that his parents exchanged once his back was turned.

 

_______________________________

 

Lily was pacing the bedroom floor, and it was making Tony antsy. The house was quiet now. They had gotten Seth up, as per doctor’s orders, helped him to the bathroom, offered him water, and tucked him back in bed. Then they’d tucked Dean into his bed as well, happy that he was relaxed and calm by then. But when they’d gotten to Roman’s room, they could feel the tension. Something was definitely bothering their boy. Lily had wanted to sit and talk to him about it, but Tony knew that it would do no good to force Roman. 

“Lu. Come to bed,” Tony said calmly, but the look she gave him could’ve froze Death Valley.

“I can’t just come to bed,” she muttered. “Something’s wrong, T.”

“Maybe he just feels guilty, or maybe something else is going on, but either way he’s made it clear that he isn’t ready to talk about it yet. We have to respect his wishes.”

Lily sighed.

“Yeah. I know. It’s just that...he’s not like this, you know? Dean sits on things until he explodes. Roman is usually so much better at handling stuff…”

“I know. But I think he’s just feeling some uncomfortable things or something. I think if something was seriously wrong, he’d come to us. Why don’t you go check on him;   
we both know you aren’t going to sleep until you do.”

 

_______________________________

 

Tony was right and Lily knew it, so she traipsed down the hall to Roman’s room. She could immediately tell that he wasn’t asleep, so she tapped at the door jam and then went on in. 

“Ro?” Lily whispered.

“Hi,” he murmured back. 

“You’re still awake,” Lily gently ran her hand over his hair, not for one second missing the tension in his shoulders. As she trailed her hand softly down his back, Roman quietly answered,

“So are you.”

“True story,” said Lily. “I couldn’t...I know you said you don’t feel like talking, and that’s okay. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Roman turned over to face her, and she could see his eyes were red-rimmed. She sighed and held her arms open, and was relieved when her oldest crawled up into   
them and rested his head against her shoulder.

“Oh, Roman,” she murmured. “Ro, Ro, how I love you. You know what this kind of reminds me of?”

Roman shook his head.

“Your first night here. Nearly six years ago now. How I came in to check on you and after I left, you started to cry. You were so scared.”

“Yeah, I---I remember, but how did you know that?”

Lily smiled at him.

“I was sitting right outside your door. I couldn’t go too far, just in case you needed me.”

She began tracing her baby’s spine slowly, up and down, as Roman tightened his grip on her. 

“Difference is,” she continued, “back then, you didn’t know then how much I love you. You didn’t know you could trust us yet. You didn’t understand that I’ll always be your safety net. No matter what.”

There was silence for awhile as Roman rested against Lily, allowing her to rub his back softly. 

“I’m supposed to be good at everything,” Roman said finally.

“Says who?” Lily replied.

“Says me,” Roman’s voice was a whisper now.

“Why?” Lily asked.

“Because isn’t that what you and Dad want? For me to be a good example for Dean and Seth?” 

“Well...yes. We do want that. But I’m confused.” Lily honestly was.

“About what?” Roman asked.

“About what being good at everything has to do with setting a good example for your brothers.”

Roman looked up at her. He didn’t seem to know what to say.

“Ro, do you know what an unrealistic expectation is?”

Roman nodded, then shook his head, then nodded again.

“I guess...sorta…”

“An unrealistic expectation,” Lily began, “is an expectation that cannot possibly be met, usually because the person, for whatever reason, just isn’t capable of meeting the expectation.”

“Okay…” Roman trailed off.

“So for example. Me expecting you and Dean to cook a flawless meal tonight would be an unrealistic expectation, because I’ve never even discussed cooking with either of you, so you haven’t been given the tools you need to succeed at that yet. Make sense?”

Roman nodded.

“Yeah...or like, expecting Dean to suddenly get straight A’s is unrealistic because school just isn’t fun for him so he’s not that invested in it. Is that an example, Mom?” Roman wondered.

Lily laughed.

“That’s an excellent example. So rather than saying that I expect YOU to get perfect grades, because I don’t know if you get what you need to achieve that, I could say that I expect you to give it your best effort. That’s something you have total control of, so it’s reasonable for me to ask you to do that.” 

Roman nodded again.

“An unrealistic expectation,” Lily said, “is expecting you, or anyone really, to breeze through life without ever making any mistakes. That’s unrealistic, especially at your age, because you’re very young and you’re still learning a lot of the skills you need to be an adult. So instead of expecting perfection, we expect you to treat people kindly, to ask for help when you need it, to do the very best job that Roman Nicholas Girardi can do at anything you dabble in. THAT, son, is how we want you to set a good example for Dean and Seth. And that’s not even something we WANT to bestow on you; it’s just that in case you haven’t noticed, they worship you. It’s the curse of the oldest. I should have Uncle Tommy talk to you about that sometime.”

Roman was relaxing against her. She could feel it. 

“I’m not good at everything either,” Lily went on. “Have you ever wondered why Daddy handles the maintenance on the cars? Or why I tend to avoid going fishing? It’s because I’m clueless about mechanical anything, and I refuse to put a worm on a hook. Or touch a floppy fish for that matter.”

Roman laughed.

“And you know Daddy can’t be trusted with the laundry,” Lily continued. Roman laughed again. 

“So whatever it is that you aren’t doing perfectly, it’ll be okay. You either need to decide it’s not important and let it go, or you need to decide you want to do what you need to do to fix it.” Lily kissed Roman’s forehead.

“Mom?” Roman asked softly.

“Yes?”

“What will happen if I fail Ancient History?” His voice sounded small and sad, and suddenly things started to make sense.

“Well...ARE you? Failing Ancient History?”

“I...I don’t know. I got a B- last semester, but...there was a test and I did study. I swear I did, but when I read it today, I just...I knew nothing. It was like I was reading a foreign language. I don’t think I did too well.” Roman murmured against his mother’s neck.

Lily had known about the test, and she knew Roman had studied. She also knew that history of any kind just didn’t interest Roman, and it was a subject he struggled with. 

“If it’s as bad as you think, will your teacher let you retake it?” 

“I...I don’t know. Maybe. And it’s early in the semester. I just...it’s not going to get any easier, Mom.” Roman sighed.

“No. No, it probably won’t. How did you study?” Lily asked him.

“There was a study guide. I read it over and over but then I took the test…I’ve only gotten C’s on the assignments…” 

“Okay. Listen, Roman, one bad grade...I mean you’re correct that you need to keep your grade up if you want to continue to play ball, but if you don’t do well, it’s not going to make you a horrible example for your brothers and it’s certainly not going to make Daddy and I love you less…”

“I know. I mean I know you won’t hate me or anything,” Roman sighed again.

“Roman. Seriously?” Lily poked his side, eliciting a soft choked giggle from her son. Although Roman wasn’t nearly as ticklish as Dean, he had a couple of sweet spots.

“Okay, okay, okay. I know you’ll still love me, no matter what. But I still don’t want to flunk the class. I wish I’d taken a different history credit.”

“I know you do, but you made the choice and we can’t change that now, so instead of wishing we could, why don’t we figure out how we can make this better?” Lily rubbed Roman’s arm. “Like, what if next time you and I study together?”

“That’d be okay,” Roman murmured.

“Or...you know, you help Seth and Dean study all the time. I’m sure they’d be happy to return the favor. This is a very fixable problem, kiddo.”

“Yeah,” Roman’s voice was sleepy now. Lily placed another kiss on his forehead.

“And now I want you to go to sleep. Everything is going to be fine, Ro…” Lily felt Roman’s body relax against her and she sighed. She thought about poor Roman, stressed over something like this but for all the wrong reasons. And Dean thinking he was supposed to be exactly like his brothers. She knew that she and Tony had addressed their fears and that they would be okay. But she couldn’t help but think that for everything that the two of them did right, they still had a lot to learn about being parents.


	30. My Good Man

Seth was fully aware that he could’ve been a total butt about the whole situation and nobody would’ve batted an eye. He could’ve asked Dean and Roman for absolutely anything, and they’d have made it happen. He didn’t though.

For the first few days that was because he was just too miserable and wallowing in his own self pity to even enjoy sticking it to his brothers. The first night they kept waking him up, which pissed him off because all he wanted to do was sleep. Being awake hurt. In the nights that followed, waking up unable to see freaked him out. He’d wake up, usually from pain, and realize he was blind, but not easily remember why. Seth hadn’t had a nightmare in months, but the fear that welled up inside him then was overpowering and he’d cry out for his parents.

At first either his mother or father would show up. But after a couple of nights, Dean came in on his own. 

Seth smelled him before he saw him. Axe body wash. He knew it was Dean. Since he couldn’t see, his other senses heightened.

“D-Dean?” He whispered.

“Yeah. I’m here. You okay?”

“I c-can’t s-see,” Seth let out a moan.

“I know. Your eyelids are swollen. Remember?” Seth did remember, and he relaxed against his bed. He could feel his brother stretch out beside him. 

“See? You’re okay. Need anything?” Dean asked him softly.

“I’m...a little thirsty,” Seth replied. 

“Water? Gatorade? Hot chocolate?”

“You’d...make me hot chocolate?” Seth wondered.

“Sure. With little marshmallows?” Dean wanted to know.

“Yeah. Yeah, thanks.”

Dean returned with Seth’s hot chocolate and helped him sip it. Seth appreciated it, but he was having trouble relaxing. Dean seemed to be able to sense this.

“What’s wrong, little bro?”

Seth shivered a little.

“I don’t...nothing really. I just...I’m thankful that this vision thing is only temporary ‘cuz it’s creepy.”

“Bet that’s true,” Dean patted his shoulder. “I’ll stay with you ‘til you fall asleep again okay?”

Seth nodded gratefully. Then he felt his brother pull the blankets up around him. He tried to relax, but tremors kept occasionally running through his body. He felt Dean get up and heard him move around, then felt him return to the bed. Then he heard rustling, and then...Dean began to read. 

It took Seth a moment to realize that was what was happening when he first heard Dean’s voice, but then he really listened to the words. 

“Becoming fearless isn’t the point. That’s impossible. It’s learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it.”

Dean had picked up Seth’s copy of Divergent and begun reading to him. Dean was actually reading to Seth. DEAN. Dean, who would sit and listen if the story was intriguing enough but who never cracked a book unless it was required by a teacher. Dean, who now was here, doing the thing that was almost always guaranteed to help Seth relax. He felt tears begin to sting his eyes, and he was relieved that they were swollen enough that his brother wouldn’t be able to see them.

Seth laid in bed and listened to Dean’s voice for what had to be close to an hour, and then he heard his brother close the book.

“Hey...Seth?” 

“Yeah?”

“You know Rome and I would never hurt you on purpose right?”

“Dean...of course I know that. We’re brothers. We make mistakes and we learn together.” Seth leaned back against his pillows. He meant every word he said. The next morning when their father came in to wake Dean for school, he asked Seth about the dirty mug on his nightstand, and when Seth told him about the hot chocolate, he’d smiled softly.

“You really do have good brothers, bub,” he’d murmured as he helped Seth to the bathroom, and Seth really couldn’t disagree.

Within a few days, the swelling went down enough that Seth could see with the help of his glasses. His visit to the eye doctor was painful, but he and his parents were thrilled to learn that there was no major damage to his eyes. Dr. Hiett told him that it would probably be about two months before he could comfortably wear his contacts again, but that didn’t matter. His glasses were comfortable and he was fine with wearing them.

He was still in his glasses when Spring Break rolled around, and with that came another camping trip. This time, however, several things were different. For one, this time their mother decided to come along. She proclaimed she hadn’t been fishing in years, and she thought it’d be fun to rough it with her guys. Turned out, it wasn’t going to be all that rough at all, because as promised, their father rented a camper. It wasn’t the hugest thing ever, but it easily slept the five of them with a queen size bed, a sofa with a pullout, and bunk beds. There was also a kitchenette with a microwave, sink, small oven, and stove, a bathroom with a toilet and a shower, and a TV. The TV wouldn’t work without a satellite signal, but it DID have a DVD player. This, Seth thought, was his kind of camping. 

The best part, though, was that when they arrived at the campsite, they were in for a surprise---the three Miller boys, Simon, Patrick, and Noah, and their parents were there as well. Tony and the boys’ foster father had talked and agreed that the two families needed a get together since the boys had gotten on so well at camp. They’d spent time together throughout the past nine months. They’d come to watch Roman play football, and the Girardi’s had gone to watch Simon as well. Seth and Noah hung out several weekends playing video games and studying. Dean and Patrick discovered they both loved Motocross, so there was that as well. It was only natural to go on a camping trip together.

The first day they went on a long family hike, complete with a picnic by a creek, and then the boys went wading. It was cold, but still so much fun. They laughed and splashed and roughhoused in the water before returning to shore and wrapping themselves up in the towels their mothers had prepared for them. Then they hiked back to the campsite, ate a snack of fresh fruit, and then helped their fathers build a campfire. The only thing they intended to cook on it was marshmallows and perhaps hot dogs, but Tony insisted they needed a fire anyway. It worked considerably better with the kitchenette in the camper; Tony grilled some steaks while Lily made baked beans in the oven and steamed broccoli in the microwave. Meanwhile, next door, Mike was grilling chicken and salmon, and Lindsey was in their own camper fixing green beans and a Jello salad. They did use the fire, but it was for something considerably more interesting than a s’more.

Lily gave them each an ice cream cone, and then showed them how she stuffed them with mini marshmallows, chocolate chips, chopped bananas, and chopped strawberries. Then she wrapped them in tin foil and threw them in the fire. Tony used the grill tongs to pull them out 5 minutes later and once they were cool enough to open, everything was all melted together in a delicious concoction.

“Thanks Mom!” Roman, Dean, and Seth all squealed with delight.

“Thank you, Dr. G!” Simon, Patrick, and Noah concurred.

“Thank Pinterest,” Lily replied.

The next day their father surprised them with a rented boat. Not a rowboat or a speedboat either. This one had an actual cabin, with a downstairs kitchen. Since there was no one else out on the lake at the early hour they left, Tony let Roman drive for a few minutes. 

“It’s not that different from driving a car,” he said, “and you’re getting pretty good at that.” Roman blushed.

They spent the entire day on the lake, fishing off the boat. Their mother had packed a delicious lunch of cold fried chicken, potato salad, macaroni salad, chips, deviled eggs, fruit, cookies, and fresh-squeezed lemonade. They pulled out the spread around noon and stuffed themselves silly.

It warmed up quite a bit out in the sun, so in a moment of bravery, the boys jumped into the lake a couple of hours after lunch. They splashed each other, wrestled in the water, and floated while their parents looked on fondly. At about 4:30, they headed back to camp. None of them especially WANTED the fun to end, but they were all exhausted so they didn’t put up much of a fuss and plus, they had another night of fun planned with their friends, so they were excited for that.

 

_________________________

 

That night it was Lily who noticed it first---Dean had a terrible sunburn.

“Didn’t you put on sunscreen?” Tony asked him.

“Well, yeah...first thing this morning,” Dean muttered sheepishly. 

Tony looked his son over. He was red as a beet from his head to his toes. Literally everything that wasn’t covered by hair or swim trunks looked like Dean had been doused in red paint. Tony looked at his wife.

“I don’t guess we happened to bring any frozen towels?” Frozen towels were the sunburn cure they used at the beach. The day they arrived, Lily always got several towels wet and then put them in the deep freeze in the garage. Then whenever someone needed it, she’d wrap the sunburned child up in one. It soothed their skin while pulling the burn out. However, that was at the beach house. In the summer.

“No, I uh...I mean it’s barely 80 degrees and we don’t have space in the camper...Dean, go take a cold shower, okay? Cold as you can stand it. I’ll look through the first aid supplies.”

She returned a few moments later with four tea bags, which she handed to Tony.

“Will you brew these please?”

“You’re drinking tea now?” Tony looked at her in surprise.

“No, silly, they’re for Dean.”

“Lu...it’s a nice idea but Dean doesn’t even LIKE tea…” Tony again tried to break it to Lily that this idea wasn’t going to work.

“I know that,” Lily said calmly. “He’s not going to drink it. Once it cools off we’re going to rub it on his skin. Something about black tea is supposed to neutralize the pH and help soothe sunburn.”

“Ahhhh...you know, you’re kind of a genius,” Tony was legit impressed.

“Well then, when you hear this you’re really gonna want to call MENSA. Once we’ve done that, we’re going to cover the child in coconut oil.”

“Coconut oil?”

“It’s super moisturizing. Once the tea does its job, the coconut oil will help long term. Got a t-shirt you don’t mind staining?”

Tony grabbed an old t-shirt while the tea was steeping, and Lily found a blanket. When Dean came out of the shower clad only in a pair of boxers, Lily sat him down and rubbed the cooled off tea all over him, then wrapped him in the blanket. An hour or so later, they took him outside and slathered him up with coconut oil, then wrapped him back in the blanket. He was greasy from top to bottom, but he was obviously feeling a little better.

That night, another feast was prepared. Mike and Lindsey had brought along pizza stones, so they cooked pizzas on the grills. Tony was intrigued; he considered himself something of a master griller, but he’d never tried pizza. They made four---one extra pepperoni, one vegetarian, one all meat, and one with pineapple. 

“What?” Dean asked innocently when everyone else groaned.

 

_____________________________

 

A few weeks after Spring Break ended, the three boys got to experience something they’d never done before---they went to a wedding.

A week prior, their mother pulled out their dressy clothes and made them try them on. Then she and Dean both groaned when they realized they had all outgrown their nice slacks. And they groaned for the same reason---this meant shopping.

Typically, Lily loved to go shopping. She loved shopping with Roman and with Seth, and she even loved shopping with all three of them, but shopping with Dean was a chore when they were looking for clothes. 

Dean knew this, but he didn’t care. He despised clothes shopping. He hated searching through racks. He abhorred trying things on. Dean was between pants sizes. He wasn’t quite tall enough for the long pants that fit Roman perfectly, but he was too tall to comfortably wear the regular pants that worked well for Seth. So his options were basically to walk around in pants that that his mother hemmed (embarrassing) or pants that came above his ankles and wracked his crotch with every step (ouch).

Dean’s solution for shopping misery basically involved doing anything and everything he could to humiliate his mother. He sang loudly and off-key. He barked at salespeople. His antics tended to make Roman and Seth crack up, which, to their mother’s chagrin, generally just spurred him on. In a word, he and Lily both just dreaded it. 

It had to be done, though. A wedding, Lily explained, at least the kind they were going to, required them to dress nicely, and besides, it was for Cici. 

Cici was a nurse at his mother’s practice. Dean adored her. All three boys did. Cici, short for Cecilia, was kind and smart. Any time one of them was at their mother’s office, she always made sure she had time to come by and say hello, and every so often, she’d bring them a can of pop or a new book, and she knew lots of card tricks. Dean, Cici claimed, was the only person on earth she would tell the secret of the tricks to, so that he could perform them himself. So for Cici, Dean would do it. He’d go shopping and get some new pants.

It also didn’t hurt that his mother bribed him with a trip to the Cheesecake Factory.

On the Saturday morning before the wedding, Lily and Dean piled into the Highlander. Roman and Seth stayed home with Tony and began the arduous task of cleaning out the pool so it could be filled soon for the summer. Dean began to feel like he might have gotten off easy. Then he and his mom drove past the mall. What? He’d expected to be carted around to Macy’s, Dillard’s, or perhaps Neiman Marcus. Instead he was startled to find they’d parked in front of Men’s Warehouse.

“What are we doing here?” Dean wondered.

“Well, you’re 15 now,” Lily replied. “I think that if you are becoming a man, we can probably shop at a store for them, right? Besides, I suspect that they might have a better selection of sizes.”

Dean’s curiosity was piqued. They walked into the store together and were immediately approached by a very sharply dressed man whose nametag read Corey. He and Lily seemed to know each other, though they didn’t address that. Corey smiled at Dean.

“Hello,” he said. “How can I help you today?”

“Ummm…” Dean wasn’t terribly accustomed to being addressed directly like this. He looked at his mom, who nodded encouragingly. He decided he might as well live it up.

“Hello, my good man,” Dean said, and he didn’t miss Lily’s eyes roll. “I have been invited to a fancy to-do, a wedding, you see, so I must have some pants.”

Corey didn’t laugh. He looked very serious as he looked Dean over. Dean continued.

“As it goes, I appear to have grown since the last time I needed dress pants.”

Corey nodded at him solemnly and motioned for them to follow him.

“Hello, my good man?” Lily muttered at Dean under her breath, to which Dean replied,

“At least I didn’t bark.”

“Let’s check your size,” Corey said when they arrived at his station. Dean was quite surprised when, rather than simply ask his sizes, the man pulled out a tape measure. He measured Dean’s legs and his waist, writing things down on a clipboard as he went. Finally, he stopped and looked everything over.

“And what color dress pants are you interested in, sir?” Corey asked Dean. Sir? Seriously. Dean was kind of impressed.

“Umm,” he began, considering asking for powder blue, but Lily must have seen the wheels turning, because she quickly answered,

“Black.”

Corey looked at Dean for confirmation. Okay, now he was officially impressed. He simply nodded in agreement. 

While Corey went off to check on what was available, Dean turned to his mother.

“Did you set this up?” He accused.

“Cross my heart, I had nothing to do with this. He’s actually mistaken you for a gentleman.” Dean snorted at his mother’s answer. She grinned at him.

“Love you,” she mouthed.

Corey returned with several pairs of pants. They were on strange hangers that clipped at the ends rather than folding down the middle.

“Here you are, sir,” he said. “Why don’t you step in the dressing room, and try this first pair on.”

Dean did as instructed, rather giddy over being called ‘sir’ again. 

The pants, he thought, fit pretty well. They were maybe just a tiny bit too long, but they didn’t cover his toes, which was a definite improvement. He stepped out of the dressing room and was dismayed and slightly insulted when his mother began to laugh.

“What?” Dean demanded. “They’re exactly the right length.”

“I know. But they’re way baggy in the booty,” his mother continued to giggle, and when Dean turned around and caught sight of his rear end in the mirror, he couldn’t help but join her. 

“Okay, okay. I’ll try another.”

The next pair was longer than too short, but not quite long enough. 

“Let’s set these aside,” Corey suggested, “ and if we have to, we can lengthen them. I think a half inch would do it.” Lily nodded her agreement. Dean went back in.

The third pair was way too long but fit perfectly in the waist and butt. Again, they put those aside, just in case, but when Dean tried on the fourth pair, he knew they were perfect. He stepped out of the dressing room, where his mother just grinned.

“Turn around, sweetie,” she said softly. Dean did as instructed. 

“They fit, Mom!” It seemed a little dumb to be so excited, but Dean was thrilled at the concept of not having to have anything altered.

“I agree; I think we have a winner,” Lily replied. 

Corey addressed Dean.

“Shall I wrap these up, sir?” Dean nodded happily, then nudged his mother.

“You shall,” he said. “But---she’s paying.”

After Lily handed Corey her credit card and they left the store, they sat together at the Cheesecake Factory. They’d split an appetizer of fried macaroni and cheese, before Lily had a barbecue chicken salad and Dean gorged himself on a meal of chicken, asparagus, and mashed potatoes. He felt a strange sort of calm that contradicted the normal feelings that swirled in his head. It felt heady, being treated by a grown up by a salesman at a store for adults, and he always loved quiet time just him and Mom, even if it HAD been spent shopping.


	31. Unforgettable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I cried a little (a lot) while writing this chapter.

The wedding was gorgeous and brought back tons of memories for Lily and Tony, but Lily kind of thought the best part was how incredibly handsome her three boys looked. Beforehand, she made them stand in front of the fireplace with Seth in the middle and let her take a picture. They got numerous compliments at the reception, but the best one came from the bride’s new mother-in-law. The woman approached Lily and Tony right after Cici and her new husband left the reception hall.

“I just want to tell you,” she began, “that your three sons are perhaps the most polite, well-mannered young men I have met recently.”

Lily exchanged glances with Tony.

“OUR boys? Those three over there?” Tony pointed to a table, where Roman, Dean, and Seth were seated enjoying seconds on cake.

“Those very three,” Mrs. Baldwin continued to gush. “I’ve heard them say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, refer to my son and daughter-in-law as ‘sir and ma’am’, and your middle son, the one who looks so much like you, Doctor, even held the door for me when I returned from the restroom. Your young men give me hope for the future. You should be very proud.”

Lily and Tony grinned. 

“We are,” Lily said. “We definitely are.”

The fact that the boys were adopted was no secret. They did seem to resemble their parents in different ways, though. Seth’s thick dark hair and wide chocolate eyes definitely favored Tony, though the curls were all his own. They now fell to just past his shoulder; his hair wasn’t as long as Roman’s, but if Seth pulled it back in a ponytail and stood next to his father, a stranger wouldn’t think twice about their relationship. Meanwhile, Dean was practically the spitting image of Lily---honey-colored hair, clear blue eyes, a mischievous smile. His dimple matched Tony’s too. Then there was beautiful Roman. His long dark hair and olive skin went right along with Tony’s Italian heritage, but his eyes---different shades of grey and blue depending on his mood---favored Lily. She could’ve given birth to all three of them and no one would be the wiser. Neither Lily nor Tony cared whatsoever about whether or not their children looked like them, but Lily did get a small sense of satisfaction whenever a total stranger told her that her children looked just like her.

 

_____________________________________

 

Unfortunately, a month after the wedding, the boys had another brand new experience---a funeral.

One Tuesday, only about two weeks before school was out for the summer, each of them got notified that they were to meet their mother in the car rider lane instead of getting on the community center bus. All of them figured that was odd, but none of them was alarmed. Occasionally, their mother failed to mention that someone had an appointment, and every once in awhile, even though it was Tuesday, she finished with surgeries early and was able to pick them up.

When they got into the Highlander, Roman thought his mom looked a little tense, but she didn’t volunteer any information, and he was too focused on his English paper and his upcoming ancient history final to give it too much thought. He didn’t even look up from his history text, actually, until he heard Seth pipe up from the back seat,

“Hey---why is Dad home early too?”

It was then that Roman noticed that the Escalade was indeed parked in the open garage, and the dogs were out. He looked up at his mother. BOTH parents home early unexpectedly? Something had to be up. This had only happened once before, when their father had surprised them with tickets to see the Rockets play the Spurs downtown. But that didn’t explain the look on their mother’s face. She didn’t look happy now. Not happy at all.

As they piled out of the Highlander, their dad met them at the garage door. His eyes looked funny. Then his words chilled Roman. As he hugged them all, he said softly,

“Let’s go sit in the living room, guys. We need to talk.”

That phrase rarely meant anything positive. Soon enough, they were sitting together in their usual family meeting spots. Lily sat on the couch with an arm around Seth and an arm around Dean. Tony sat on the coffee table, and Roman sat in the recliner near them, absently scratching Honey Badger’s ears.

“Guys…” Lily began. She looked at Tony, but he didn’t meet her gaze. Then Roman was even more alarmed to realize that his father had tears in his eyes.

“Boys…” Tony said, his voice quieter than Roman ever remembered it, “Papa Angelo died this morning.”

Roman felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. The room was completely silent for a few moments. Then Seth whispered,

“How?”

“He was like 90, you idiot. How do you think?” Dean snapped. 

Lily turned to Dean and tried to murmur soft words into his ear, but he jumped up and stormed out of the room. A moment later they all heard his door slam. Seth burst into tears then, and a few tears rolled down their dad’s cheek as well. Roman felt like he couldn’t breathe. His mother looked up at him. Then she gently untangled herself from Seth and guided him into their father’s embrace. Their shoulders shook as they cried together. Roman had seen his mother cry more than once, but never his father. Not ever, not even once. Now he really couldn’t breathe, but his mother stood, perched herself on the arm of his chair, and pulled him close. 

“It’s okay. You can cry, kiddo. You can cry, Ro.” And suddenly, he felt himself gasp in a breath, and then tears he didn’t even know had been welling up in his eyes began to fall. His mom pulled him tighter against her as he pressed his face into her shoulder and allowed himself to hurt.

“I know,” he heard Lily whisper softly. “I know, baby. I know.”

Lily began to rub Roman’s back as he hiccuped and tried to control himself, but his chest ached. He’d never experienced the death of someone he’d truly loved before; he’d never known any of his biological grandparents or other family members, and this was the first death to hit his adoptive family. In theory, he knew his grandparents were aging; all four of them were over 70. But he just hadn’t ever considered that they would each one day die. As would, some day, his parents. Oh, God. That thought made him cry harder. He stopped fighting it.

The four of them sat there for a long time, Tony holding on to Seth, Roman snug in Lily’s arms. Roman felt his neck grow wet and he knew his mother was crying too. Right at that moment, he didn’t care. He didn’t want her to ever let him go again. Eventually, though, she gently guided him into his father’s unoccupied arm, as she murmured,

“I’m gonna go check on Dean, okay?”

Roman nodded, but then to perhaps all of their surprise, Seth stood up.

“I’ll come with you,” he said.

 

__________________________________

 

Seth had no idea why he felt compelled to go make sure his brother was okay after Dean had been nasty to him, or why his presence might make him feel better, but for whatever reason, he did. He pressed his hand into his mother’s as they walked side by side down the hall. Lily tapped on Dean’s door, then opened it softly when she got no response. 

She quietly opened the door. Dean was sitting cross-legged on his bed, holding a framed photo on his lap. Seth knew without looking that it was the one of Dean and Papa. Papa Angelo loved all three of the boys; that much was clear. But he had the strongest bond with Dean. They didn’t actually see much of each other, but they talked on the phone usually once a week or so, and since neither of them was very tech-savvy, they would occasionally exchange hand-written letters. 

Seth and Lily sat down on Dean’s bed. Lily offered her arms for a hug, but Dean just shook his head softly. 

“I just talked to him,” he whispered. “I just talked to him on Saturday. He sounded fine, Mom. He sounded...he sounded normal.”

“Oh, sweetie,” Lily murmured. 

“No, Mom, just...there’s nothing you can say. Alright? There’s just...there’s nothing to say.” Dean’s voice was still a whisper. 

None of them spoke for a few minutes, and Seth took that opportunity to size his brother up. To Seth, Dean had always been the wild, crazy, fun-loving brother. Roman was the pillar of strength, safe and protective. But he simply adored them both, for different reasons, and it was hard to see Dean like this. Small. Sad. Pain seemed to radiate off of him in waves, and the hardest part was, he was right. There were no words, no actions, nothing that could ease his brother’s hurt. He remembered back to when he had first arrived at his house, though, to how it had taken him awhile, but eventually Seth had come to understand that while Dean’s style of caring was very different, it wasn’t less. So while he knew it probably wouldn’t help, Seth had to try.

He slowly reached for Dean’s hand. Dean slowly took it. Without letting go, Seth crawled closer until he was scrunched up against Dean’s legs. No eye contact was made, but Seth felt his big brother drape his arm across his shoulders. Then he felt Dean give his hand a squeeze.

“You know,” came their mother’s voice, “what my favorite memory of Angelo will always be?”

“What?” Seth whispered.

“When Daddy and I got married, Papa asked me to dance. So we did, and the whole time---”

“What was the song?” Dean interrupted.

“Hmm?”

“When you danced with Papa, what was the song?”

A soft smile played on Lily’s lips. 

“Where’s your iPad?”

Dean pointed to his mess of a desk, neither of the boys too willing to move. Seth didn’t have a clue whether Dean was feeling any better, but laying in his brother’s soft embrace was definitely helping him.

Their mama crawled back up on the bed and nestled close to them, tapping at Dean’s iPad until she found YouTube and then typing something in.

“The title of the song was Unforgettable. I had just danced with my own father to In My Life, and I’d asked the band to play it twice so I could dance with my Daddy just a little longer.” She began playing the song.

_Unforgettable_  
In every way,   
And forever more   
That's how you'll stay. 

_That's why, darling, it's incredible_  
That someone so unforgettable   
Thinks that I am   
Unforgettable, too. 

The song was soft and slow, and Seth closed his eyes, and he could easily envision his mom and his Papa, 20 years younger, dancing together. Then Lily continued.

“The whole time, Papa Angelo was whispering in my ear. He told me that he loved me for making his son the happiest man on earth, and that I was always going to be his best girl. He told me...that I was a blessing,” Lily’s eyes brimmed with tears as she reached for Dean.

“It’s okay to hurt, sweetie. It’s gonna hurt,” their mother whispered fiercely as she engulfed Dean and Seth in a tight hug. “You just gotta know that you’re not alone. I’m going to miss him too.”

It took a second for Seth to realize that he was crying again, but then he also realized that Dean’s shoulders were shuddering. Deep sobs racked his body, and for a few minutes, the sound of him gulping and gasping was all they could here. Then Dean raised his head and looked up at Lily with the saddest face Seth had ever seen.

“I’m just so FUCKING PISSED at him,” he finally whispered. “I just talked to him, Mommy. I just talked to him and he sounded fine and...and I didn’t get to say goodbye.” Again, Dean buried his face into their mother and let himself sob, and Seth crawled up closer and laid his head on Dean’s back. 

“Why does it hurt so bad, Mama?” Dean moaned. “Why does this hurt so much more than anything else ever has hurt in my whole entire life?”

“Because losing someone you love is just harder than dealing with pain caused by someone you don’t,” their mother murmured. “And I wish I could tell you that it goes away. It’s going to get easier, I promise you that. Eventually you’ll realize that a couple of days have gone by since you felt that stabbing pain in your heart, and you’ll be startled. You will always love him, Dean. You’re always going to miss him. He’s a part of you. But sweetie, someday, many many years from now, I pray, it’s going to be your turn and you’ll see him again. We all will be together again. In the meantime, it’s up to you to live the life you’ve been given in a way that you know will make him proud, ‘cuz he’s always going to be with you, with every beat of your heart. You get to carry that with you. That’s something that no one can take away.”

Seth felt Dean still slowly, felt him take a few shuddering breaths before he sagged against them like a sail when the wind died down. Again, no one spoke for a long time as they stayed there, the three of them snuggled together, Lily softly rubbing their backs. 

“Mommy?” Dean finally mumbled. 

“Yes, my love?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. I love you both. We’re going to get through this together, guys. I promise you that. We’re a family. We love together and we’ll hurt together. Nobody’s gonna deal with this alone. Dean?”

“Hmm…?”

“Go hug your dad.”

Dean offered Lily a small smile before silently getting up and leaving his bedroom. Seth felt his mother’s arms tighten around him.

“How about you, bub? You doing okay?”

“Mommy? But...you’re never going to die, right?”

He felt her sigh softly across his neck.

“Not today, Seth. Not tomorrow, and not for a very long time.”

Seth knew he’d have to be content with that answer, but for now, he was. He didn’t make a move to get up for quite awhile though, and Lily didn’t loosen her arms around him for a long, long time.

That night, the boys hugged Tony hard and tight before he left for New York. The plan was for Lily to fly out with them on Thursday evening after school. The wake for Papa Angelo was on Friday evening, the funeral Saturday morning, and on Sunday, they fully intended to just hang out together and take a break before flying home Monday. The boys would miss just two days of school, but it was so close to the end of the year that they’d all have to scramble to catch up. Luckily Lily was able to contact the school and explain the situation, and they were given extensions on their year-end projects. Seth fully intended to do homework on the flight, though. If only it had gone that way.

They arrived at the airport two hours early, a necessity flying out of Houston. The past two days had been stressful. Roman was stressed about finals. Dean’s anxiety had taken a massive hit, and Seth, who hadn’t had nightmares in ages, had awakened screaming two nights in a row. Nevermind that they were all just sad. No one spoke much as they waited together for the plane. Seth knew he should pull out his geometry book, but he really didn’t feel like it just yet.

He played on his iPad instead and listened to some songs, until he heard Dean exclaim incredulously,

“We’re flying to New York in THAT?”

Seth looked up and there out the window sat the smallest plane he had ever seen.

It definitely didn’t qualify as a jet, though it was hardly a twin engine. It was so small though, and the flight was four hours. Seth looked at his mother, concerned.

“It’s going to be fine, guys,” Lily soothed. 

“I am NOT getting on that,” Dean insisted.

“I’m sorry, sweetie. We didn’t have a lot of options on short notice. We’re together; it’ll be just fine. Honest.”

Dean grumbled until it was time to board. 

It was the first time they’d ever flown without Tony, and the second Seth got on, he realized a problem. This plane only had three seats across, two on one side of the   
aisle and one on the other. That meant three window seats and only one aisle---and neither he nor Dean was keen to sit by the window. 

“I get the aisle,” Dean said immediately, and Seth all but yelled,

“No way!” 

“Guys,” Lily started. People were lining up behind them and Seth felt bad for stressing his mother out, but he really really didn’t want to sit by the window. He pleaded Lily with his eyes. 

“Listen---bub,” she began. He knew what that meant. He’d lost this fight before he’d even gotten to make an argument.

“Seth...baby,” his mother continued. “Will you please just try this for me? Please? You’ll probably sleep, right? And Dean probably won’t.”

She had a point, he conceded. Homework or not, Seth almost always wound up falling asleep on flights, although he also was typically sandwiched safely between both of his parents. With a defeated sigh, he nodded.

“Okay, Mama.”

“Thank you, bub.”

Seth just nodded again. 

Somewhere over Arkansas (maybe?) they flew through right above a storm. The little plane did not seem to appreciate this, and it began to shudder. Seth began to shudder too; he was alone in his window seat (because that was better than sitting that close to Dean right now, even if it meant being farther away from his mom). He’d been dozing a little when the plane shook, but his eyes popped open with the first jolt.

“Seth---it’s okay, bub. Just a little turbulence,” Lily had noticed him wake up. Seth felt Roman reach up from behind him to grip his elbow. Seth sighed and started to relax---then the plane made a sharp drop. Several passengers screamed and the captain came over the loudspeaker, announcing the turbulence (you think? Hadn’t noticed) and requesting all the passengers remain in their seats with their seatbelts fastened. Right, like Seth was going anywhere. 

The storm tossed the small plane around for what felt like a year but really couldn’t have been more than 15 minutes, and Seth grew more panicky with each bump. Eventually he just covered his face with his hands. Roman’s hand remained firm on his arm, and then he felt a soft hand grab his---it was…

“Mama!” Seth cried out. Suddenly she was next to him across the aisle, her arm around Dean as she squeezed Seth’s hand.

“I’m right here,” Lily was so calm, maybe almost too calm, but Seth didn’t care just then. He clung to her hand for dear life.

“Just hang on, guys,” Mama addressed all three boys. “This won’t last forever. You’re all doing great. Just hang on.” 

Seth tried to listen, tried to keep calm, but the only thing that kept running through his head was the irony that he was going to die---on the way to a funeral.

Eventually the storm passed. Lily held on to Seth’s hand, though, until they landed safely in New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one and the next one will (I hope) pull your heartstrings. It's another new experience for our boys, but not a fun one this time.


	32. Together

They ended up staying at a hotel, since Nonna and Papa’s house was overflowing. Tony was the youngest child of 13; a classic Italian Catholic family. Their father had two older sisters and ten older brothers which is how, Roman figured, he’d gotten to be so good and understanding about boys. 

Tony’s oldest brother was Angelo, Jr., and at 70 he was 21 years older than Tony. He had grandchildren older than Roman, Dean, and Seth, which left him with little in common with his own youngest brother, but he was a really nice man. The 13 Girardi children had a total of 46 of their own children, which meant 46 grandchildren for Papa and Nonna, and they were up to 18 great-grandchildren. It made for a massive family gathering, which could be stressful anyway without all of the grief, and it was enough of a struggle for Dean to be in Papa’s house right then anyway. So a hotel was quite welcome, especially since it was late when they arrived in New York. 

They went out to the house in Brooklyn Friday morning. Roman didn’t exactly know what was appropriate behavior in this particular situation. People were everywhere and there were a lot of voices, but it wasn’t the fun, cheerful atmosphere that found them at Thanksgiving or Christmas. In every room, at least one person was crying. Roman had a feeling neither of his brothers was going to last very long, and he was right. 

It might not have been so bad, but seeing the pain on his father’s face hurt his heart, and he wanted to do something, but he had no idea what. He watched his mom, always a pillar of strength, offer love and comfort to Nonna, help out in the kitchen, keep some of the smallest great-grandchildren out of trouble, and hug on a desolate cousin, all while Seth acted as her shadow and stayed by her side, and while keeping her eye on Dean, who was sulking in a quiet room. They’d been there an hour before it occurred to Roman that it had been awhile since he’d seen his father.

“Mama?” Roman tried to approach his mother, who right that minute was helping his cousin Serena fix her hair.

“Hmm?” Lily had a mouth full of bobby pins and couldn’t speak, but their eyes met and Roman knew he had her full attention.

“Have you seen Dad?”

Lily paused, then shook her head.

“He went outside. I saw him,” Seth piped up from behind Lily. Roman looked him over. He looked stricken. Roman reached out his hand.

“Wanna come out and find him with me?” 

Seth nodded quickly and latched himself onto Roman’s hand. Roman nodded as Lily mouthed “thank you” and then he guided Seth to the back yard.

It was tiny, not unusual for a house in Brooklyn, but it had a pretty big tree in it, and there was a treehouse up in its branches. Roman looked around. He didn’t see his father, but he also didn’t hear any voices, so he figured that maybe some quiet time up in the tree might help Seth. 

“C’mon. Let’s go up,” Roman said softly, and Seth nodded.

Roman intended to sit up there and talk to his baby brother for awhile, but as he got to the treehouse, he realized their dad was sitting in it. He wasn’t crying or doing anything else, really; he was just sitting cross-legged in the middle of it. When Tony saw his boys, he held up both arms. Seth gratefully crawled straight into them, and Roman crouched down next to them both and accepted a hug as well.

“Sorry guys. I know I bailed on you and your mom. I just...I just needed…” Tony didn’t finish his sentence. Instead he gazed down at Seth and Roman in his arms.

Roman wasn’t sure what was the right thing to say, so rather than speak, he laid his head down on his dad’s shoulder and just nodded.

“Dammit, boys,” Tony whispered. “This just...makes me want to squeeze your guts out.”

Seth giggled softly.

“Daddy? I’m sorry you’re sad,” He whispered. 

“Thank you, bub. Don’t be sorry though, okay? Sadness isn’t anything to apologize for. Yours OR mine,” Tony said quietly into Seth’s hair. 

“I remember the first time I met Papa,” Roman whispered. “I was so scared ‘cuz I just...I just didn’t know what I was supposed to DO.”

Tony smiled.

“I remember you then. A newly minted 10 year old. You were trying so hard.”

“I know,” Roman said. “Because I wanted them to like me. But Papa hugged me really hard and welcomed me to the family. It felt really good, Dad.”

“Your Papa had a way of making people feel good about themselves no matter what. When I was...about your age, Roman, I had my first girlfriend. She was Irish, and she broke up with me because she said her father told her that since I was Italian, she wasn’t allowed to date me.” 

“But...that’s really dumb,” Roman said. 

“Yeah. It is, buddy, but it broke my heart at the time. I was 15. I thought I was in love. Didn’t really find out what love really is until I met your mom, who coincidentally also happens to be Irish, so I guess that whole thing was bunk. Anyway, your Papa sat me right down and told me that being Italian was nothing to be ashamed of, that we’re all different, and that I shouldn’t let the wrong woman get me down. He humored me, even though I’m guessing at the time, he probably thought I was pretty silly. He made me feel better, though. Like I mattered again. He always...every good person he ever met mattered to him.”

“Just like you,” Seth whispered.

“Yeah...yeah, he definitely taught me about treating other people with respect, even when you want to tear their faces off.”

Seth giggled again, a soft sound. 

“I’m gonna miss him, guys,” Tony whispered.

“He’s still with us though, Dad,” Roman replied. “I think he’s looking out for all of us in Heaven, ‘til we see him again. You know?”

“Yeah...I know. Thank you, Roman. I needed to hear that. Boys...I love you. God knows I do.”

“We know it too, Dad, and it’s because you tell us every single day,” Roman mumbled into their father’s neck. 

“That’s something else I learned from Papa Angelo,” Tony said quietly. “The importance of telling your loved ones how you feel every chance you get because you just never know...so I’ll say it again, for good measure. I love you boys. I love your mom. The four of you are the greatest gift I’ve ever been given.”

“We love you too, Dad,” Seth replied resolutely.

“Yeah...we love you, Dad. You and Mom and Dean and Seth were my best gift ever,” Roman said. He felt a little warm and fuzzy on the inside. Then he sat up.

“I think...I think I’m going to go talk to Dean.”

“Has Dean completely lost his mind yet?” Tony asked softly.

“Nah. He’s just kind of avoiding everyone. But you know Dean, Dad; he might have done that anyway depending on his mood.”

“Yeah...listen, Roman, I’ll talk to him, okay? I appreciate how you always take care of your brothers, especially when it’s a hard time, but you guys are my responsibility. Why don’t you two go see if you can help Mom with anything.”

“Yeah...okay, Dad,” Roman said. “C’mon, Seth.”

______________________________________________

 

Tony felt like his heart was breaking, but he’d hidden from his family long enough. Dean needed him now, it seemed, and it was time to shift from grieving son to comforting Dad. He wasn’t sure he was strong enough right then, but he had to try. And anyway, he told himself, there was really no reason he couldn’t do both. By now, it was no secret at all that feelings were something Dean sometimes struggled with, and Tony figured it was good for him to see that he wasn’t the only one and that it was nothing to be ashamed of.

He found his son sitting in a quiet bedroom in the dark, back against the wall. He could tell Dean had been crying. When he looked up, his eyes were wide and his lower lip stuck out just a tiny bit. He looked so sad that Tony felt his heart break all over again. He walked over and sat down across from his boy.

“Talk to me,” he said softly. 

Dean didn’t say anything for long moments. Tony could see that he looked so conflicted. 

“I just...Mom says it’s going to get easier. But it’s taking too long. I just don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to be here. I want to go home and I want him to come back.” Dean sounded utterly defeated.

“Fuck if I don’t know how that feels,” Tony replied quietly. “ I want to go home back to our life and I want for this to never ever have happened. I know, son. I’m with you.”

“I’m not angry at him anymore. Now I’m just sad,” Dean revealed.

“It’d be okay if you were, you know. Still angry, I mean.”

“Yeah...yeah, maybe, but I’m not. I just feel hurt. And...Dad, I know he’s gone. But I keep expecting him to come through the door with that big dumb smile on his face, like this was all just some bad joke.” Dean sighed. “Of course, then I’d have to be mad all over again, but I think I’d rather be pissed. It’s less painful.”

“It takes a lot more energy, though,” Tony reached for Dean, who sighed and let his father wrap an arm around his shoulders. “We’re programed to feel a lot of different things, but anger is a choice more so than many other feelings. I mean you can’t avoid it all the time, but it does kind of seem like a waste to hang on to it, you know?”

Dean nodded after a few moments. He stared down at his hands, then looked up at his dad.

“I don’t know if I can do it,” he said, his voice barely a whisper.

“Do what, buddy?” 

“Go to the funeral.” 

Tony stopped for a moment. This revelation was hardly shocking, but it wasn’t what he expected Dean to say, either. He considered how to respond. Of course, he wanted his son there, because he wanted him nearby, which he figured was kind of selfish. But the main reason he wanted Dean to go was because he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Dean would regret it if he didn’t. He also knew that had to be a decision that Dean came to on his own, so finally he said,

“It’s okay, buddy. It’s your decision, Dean.”

Dean looked surprised.

“Really?” 

“Really. I’m uncomfortable at funerals, too. And I know Papa would understand. Just do me a favor and think really hard about it before deciding, okay? Think about how you’ll feel if you don’t go, too. Either way, I respect your choice.”

“I love you, Dad,” Dean finally fell into Tony’s arms, and Tony held him tight.

“I love you too, Dean. Will you do me a favor?”

“Sure. What is it?”

“We’re all hurting right now, bud. You don’t have to sit in here and hide from it. Let’s go out there and hurt together, okay? I don’t know about you, but knowing I’m not alone in this helps just a little.”

Dean considered this before nodding.

“Okay,” he whispered.

_________________________________

 

Dean ended up going to the funeral, which made his mother proud. She knew from talking to Tony that he’d been uncertain about it, and even the morning of, no one knew for sure what he planned to do---until he emerged from the hotel bathroom dressed to the nines in his new slacks, a crisp blue shirt, and a tie (which was a little crooked but Lily just motioned him over and straightened it out; she was just so impressed with his effort, and anyway, when did Dean get a tie?). Before they left the hotel for the church, they sat the boys down.

“Listen, guys,” Tony started. “I know it’s been a really rough couple of days. You’ve all had to learn about a loss like this, and it’s hard, but you’ve all done so good.”

“We want you to know,” Lily continued, “that this service and the lunch afterwards are going to be a celebration of Papa’s life, even though it will probably also be sad. We want to remember and share all of the things we love about him. And...Daddy and I have cried quite a few tears this last week, and you need to know that we probably will cry some more before this is all over.”

“What we’re really trying to tell you,” Tony picked the talk up, “is that whatever you guys feel is okay. And you don’t have to cry, but you need to know that if you do, that’s completely acceptable. Doesn’t mean you aren’t strong, and no one has to be strong today anyway. Okay?”

The three boys nodded, although Dean looked a little dubious, and Tony drew them all into his arms.

“You guys and Mama are the reason I’m getting through this,” Tony confessed after a moment. “I just...I love you. All of you. I’m so blessed to have the family I’ve been given.”

They all cried a little that day, but Lily also witnessed strength from her boys that she always knew was possible, but surprised her a little anyway. For example, during the service, as Tony stood before the people gathered and delivered an incredible eulogy, Lily noticed from where she was seated between Roman and Seth that Dean’s face had begun to absolutely crumble, but before she could reach around Seth to offer him comfort, Seth had wrapped both arms around his older brother, and Dean had buried his face into Seth’s neck. 

“I’m here, Dean,” she’d heard Seth quietly murmur into his brother’s ear. Lily felt her own eyes fill up. 

At the burial, as Tony leaned over to say one last goodbye to his father, he broke down. Lily watched quietly as Dean approached his dad and hugged him close and whisper something in his ear, then watched her husband wrap his arm around their boy and they both cried openly together for a moment before throwing a white rose on top of the casket, linking arms, and walking off together. Again, she felt tears sting her eyes, the quiet pride in her heart growing even stronger.

It finally overcame her at the lunch after the service and she excused herself to go out to the lobby of the celebration hall and let herself cry. A few moments later, she felt a pair of strong arms grab her, and she looked up to see Roman’s piercing grey eyes, tear-filled as well, but he pulled her close.

“You said we’re not doing this alone, Mom. Remember?” She nodded and let herself let go on her oldest child’s shoulder for a bit, Roman patting her back, and there was absolutely nothing awkward about it. Once she felt a bit better, she looked up at her son.

“Really proud of you guys today, Ro,” she whispered. He smiled and a tear trickled down his cheek.

“Yeah, well...it’s all you and Dad’s fault anyway.” 

“What do you mean?” Lily was curious.

“You’re the ones who took a chance on us. You’re the ones who taught us. You’re the ones who changed EVERYTHING.”

“That’s been our privilege,” Lily replied, brushing her thumb over Roman’s cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this family could really use some fun. Good thing it's nearly summer, yes? Also, I've been asked when the boys are going to start to discover girls, and that's been in the works for a bit now. Care to guess who toes that line first? 
> 
> We're way past 3,000 views right now, and up to 130 kudos! This story has taken off and been accepted much more than I possible could've dreamed it would! Thank you for the continued support!


	33. Girl Crazy

Two weeks later, several things happened. First of all, when report cards came home, the boys lined up in front of their parents to hand them over. They opened Seth’s first, and it was no surprise that he’d gotten straight A’s again. He accepted the sentiments of pride and the hugs and kisses with a blush. Then it was Roman’s turn. Six A’s and a B, in history, a subject that Dean knew his brother would always hate. Their parents knew it too, and they were no less proud or excited as they lavished affection on Rome, who tried to accept it graciously but who was grinning like a fool and clearly loving every minute.

Then Dean handed over his envelope with a sigh. He stared down at his feet.

Traditionally, this meant he hadn’t done so hot. There wasn’t much Dean liked about school. So when Tony opened the envelope, he scrutinized it, then handed it to Lily. She looked it over, then looked at her son.

“Dean Benjamin Girardi. These grades…” she began, and then she smiled at him. “Are incredible!”

“GOTCHA!” Dean shrieked, leaping into his parents’ arms with a giddy laugh.

Three A’s and four B’s. This was the best report card Dean had ever brought home, and the entire family knew it. He’d never had an A in any subject besides gym before, not in his whole life, but here he was with A’s in gym, Chem 2, and geometry, B’s in everything else, and not a single lower grade to be found. Normally his report card was full of C’s. He knew he’d done well this term, but he really wanted to surprise his Mom and Dad, and it had clearly worked. Lily hugged him so hard it hurt.

“Curse you, boy,” she said with a laugh. “Look at this. Look what you are capable of. This is amazing. All three of you---I think this calls for a celebration, Dad.”

“Man. I’m not sure what we could possibly do to reward these guys for all their hard work. That on top of the family commitment they’ve all shown us lately...guess we’ll just have to go to Dave & Buster’s.”

The next thing that happened was, Roman turned 16. He was allowed to throw a party at the house the night before his actual birthday, complete with girls, but they also ordered several 6-foot subs, numerous buckets of chicken wings, chips, dips, sugar cookies, and a massive cake. Dean wasn’t sure which he found most exciting. 

The pool was open, and the party was a total blast; it was 2 am before the last guests left. Dean passed out on the couch. Seth made it to the recliner, snuggled against Roman, who had collapsed in the very same chair mere seconds before Seth did. They all woke up late the next morning with blankets tucked around them, evidence of their parents’ TLC, and the smell of blueberry pancakes wafting from the kitchen.

They trudged out, where they were greeted by their mother smiling from ear to ear. She immediately grabbed Roman into a hug and started smothering his face in kisses. Seth and Dean snickered; it was ridiculous, but Roman appeared to be eating it up. He made no protest as Lily held him out at arm’s length, then drew him close for another smoochy assault. She looked him over again. 

“I can’t believe it. My baby is really 16. I just...when did this even happen?” 

They ate breakfast together and discussed the evening’s plans. 

“Daddy made reservations at Texas de Brazil,” Lily told them. The boys all looked up.

Texas de Brazil was a Brazilian steakhouse. Basically how it worked was, there was a massive salad bar with virtually everything on it, and you could load up and return as many times as you wanted, but the big draw was the meat. Each person received a card with a green side and a red side, and as long as the green side was facing up, servers would come round to the table with various types of meats---anything you could think of, really---and carve chunks off. Then once you were full, or you just needed a stomach break, you flipped your card to the red side and they stopped coming by. The boys had always wanted to go, but at $46 a person, their parents, understandably, had saved this place for a special occasion.

“But a 16th birthday is a huge event in a boy’s life,” Lily said, explaining the logic. “And it’s not like you guys don’t eat so I’m 100% confident that we’ll get our money’s worth.”

They all skipped lunch to save room.

Dean helped his mother wrap Roman’s birthday presents that afternoon while Seth kept Rome occupied with video games and about a million Seth-like questions. He enjoyed spending some quiet time with her, even though it was Roman’s birthday. And because Roman was 16, there was quite an abundance of gifts, so it took a little while. Dean took that opportunity to discuss the huge surprise the family was planning for Rome.

“Mama? Will he get it at the restaurant?”

“No. It’ll be here when we get home. A friend of Daddy’s is bringing it while we’re gone and leaving it out back so he won’t see it. But I’m counting on you and Sethie to help make sure we spend plenty of time out to eat tonight, okay?” Lily was tying a ribbon around the box that held a white Steve Young jersey, as Dean put the finishing touch on the new version of Roman’s favorite video game. 

“He’s going to freak out, Mama.”

“That’s the plan, sweetie.” 

“I can’t wait until I turn 16,” Dean confided to his mother. 

“Man. I can. It’s hard enough for me to see one of my babies get older. The fact that all three of you will be 16 within about a year just kills me.”

Dean laughed.

“I know, but don’t worry. Seth still has to turn 15 first. What are we doing for HIS birthday?”

Lily grinned.

“I’m not sure. He’s mentioned Ciao Bella more than once, but he hasn’t told us anything definitive yet. You going to help me wrap for him too?”

“‘Course,” said Dean. “I like it when we get to talk just us. Mom?”

“Yeah, sweetie?” Lily asked, reaching for burnt orange polo shirt.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Always,” Lily smiled at Dean, a small sparkle in her blue eyes. 

“Well...you’re a girl,” he began.

“All day every day,” she answered and Dean laughed.

“Okay,” he began, suddenly a little nervous because what he was about to tell his mother was kind of epic.

“If a boy...wanted to like...ask you out,” Dean started again, “what...what would he have to say to get you to say yes?”

Lily stopped what she was doing and gave Dean her complete attention at this topic.

“Well...I think under most circumstances, a simple ‘would you like to go out with me?’ would probably be sufficient,” she said slowly. “May I ask why?”

“Ummm...well,” Dean could not for the life of him figure out why this conversation was so hard. “See...there’s a girl...kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“Okay, definitely. But the thing is, I don’t really know her and I’m afraid I just like her because she’s pretty. Which she is, really really pretty. But I don’t want to go out with someone just because of that. What if I ask her and she has like no personality? Or what if she says NO?”

That thought was just too embarrassing. The he realized his mother was smiling like a dope. He could feel his face flush, and he pressed his hands over his eyes.

“You know what? Nevermind. Just forget I brought it---” Dean began, but his mom interrupted him.

“Dean,” she said softly.

“What?”

“First of all, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking someone out just because you find them attractive. It’s one date, not marriage. You can’t really get to know anyone if you don’t spend time with them, right?” Lily had a point.

“Well...I guess not,” Dean agreed.

“As far as what if she says no, that’s okay. Not everyone wants to hang out with everyone else, you know? Doesn’t mean you’re not awesome; there are a lot of wonderful men out there who wouldn’t have been right for me. But that’s okay. The thing is, if you never ask, you’ll have to waste time wondering instead and THAT doesn’t sound like much fun.”

“No. That’s true,” Dean said.

“And you know what a miserable start Daddy and I got off to,” Lily continued with a laugh. “So honestly, love at first sight might work for some people, but I sure as hell had to get to know him because my first impression wasn’t too pretty.”

“Well...I mean, I won’t see her again until school starts, probably,” Dean considered things. “So I guess I have time to think it over…”

“You do, if you want to wait,” said Lily. “Though I bet we can help you get her number if you decide not to put it off…”

Dean scooted over next to his mother and rested his head on her shoulder. She wrapped her arm around him and squeezed.

“I guess. I just don’t...I’m afraid if I ask and she says no, it’s really going to hurt.”

“Rejection CAN hurt,” Lily said. “But you don’t want to hang out with someone who doesn’t want to hang out with you and frankly, if she did say no, it’d be her loss.”

“I love you, Mom,” said Dean, snuggling closer to Lily for another hug.

“I love you too. Dean? Just exactly how pretty IS this girl?” Lily wondered.

“Pretty,” Dean replied. “Almost as pretty as you.”

“Keep giving answers like that, my sweetie,” Lily said softly, “and you will have absolutely no trouble getting this girl to go with you on a date.”

That night the boys stuffed themselves. Collectively, they ate 16 plates of food. Dean was always up for a good salad bar, and the meat---oh, the meat. He wasn’t actually sure how he walked out to the Escalade without needing to be rolled. When they got home, Roman opened his gifts and thanked his brothers and parents. Then Tony spoke up.

“Hey, Ro, do me a favor and go out back with the dogs, huh?”

Roman looked at him quizzically but complied. The rest of the family quickly followed him out---and they heard him shriek.

There in the drive sat a black Jeep Renegade with a giant bow on its top.

Roman’s eyes were massive and he was circling his new car. He kept repeating,

“This is mine? This is for me?” Dean thought it was adorable.

Tony handed Roman the keys, and Lily kissed his cheek.

“Happy birthday, Ro. We love you.”

Roman shook his head, then he whispered,

“Thank you. I love you too. Thank you so much. Hey---can I take Dean and Seth for a ride?”

Their parents exchanged glances.

“Tell you what. I think you have about 20 minutes of daylight left,” Lily said. “Why don’t you go cruise up and down the street for a bit but then I want you straight back. Sound good?”

“YES! Shot gun!” Dean exclaimed. He wasn’t even jealous. Roman was a good kid; an amazing son and brother. He deserved this. It was his turn for something fabulous.

 

___________________________________

 

The day after Seth’s 15th birthday, he woke up with a scratchy throat and sneezing. He didn’t feel awful, he claimed, and when Lily took his temperature, he didn’t have a fever, but they were slated to go to San Antonio the next week, so Lily opted to keep a close eye on him just in case. She made him lay on the couch and relax while she tucked a blanket around him and made him drink lots of Gatorade. Within an hour, he’d fallen asleep.

She came back into the living room with a load of clean laundry that she was going to drop off at Roman’s room for him to put away, but when she saw Seth, she froze for a moment. Then she looked him over.

He was laying on his back with his arms stretched over his head. His hair, while still curly, came down just below his shoulder now, and the weight of it had tamed the curls just a bit. He was finally building some arm muscle, and---when had Seth begun to grow chest hair? It was just a smattering, but it still pulled at Lily’s heart strings. Her baby was becoming a man. Soon the house would be empty again after being empty for so long---Lily shook her head, knowing that if she dwelled on it too long, she’d cry. 

A few days later, she DID cry. 

Dean came to her with tears in his eyes.

“Mom?” His eyes were round and glistening, his lower lip quivered, and with his hair hanging in his face and his arms hugging himself, he suddenly looked every bit like the 11 year old she’d taken in years before. Lily had been sitting at her computer looking through photos from their San Antonio trip, but the second she saw Dean, she shot over to him and wrapped him in a hug.

“What is it, baby? What happened?”

“I called Kenna,” he whispered.

“And Kenna is…?” Lily hadn’t heard that name before.

“The pretty girl,” Dean whispered miserably. Lily immediately knew where this was going, and tears welled up in her own eyes.

“Oh, baby boy,” she murmured, pulling Dean to the loveseat in her office, sitting them down without letting him go. 

“She said she doesn’t go out with sophomores,” Dean snuggled against her, two tears trickling down his cheek. Lily sighed and felt a few of her own tears fall.

“Aww, sweetie. That stinks,” she ran her fingers through Dean’s hair. “You know what, though?”

“What?”

“That’s not even close to a reflection on you,” Lily kissed Dean’s cheek. “She was a sophomore too, once. Everybody is, right? So if she doesn’t want to go out with you just because of that, is she really someone you want to get to know better anyway?”

Dean shook his head and wiped his eyes.

“No. No, I guess not. Who needs her?”

“Not you,” said Lily softly, still stroking her son’s hair. 

“Not me,” Dean agreed.

They sat together like that for awhile, and before long, Lily felt Dean’s shoulders relax. Then she said,

“You know, sweetie, there are going to be lots of girls. The right one for you is out there, but you’re 15 and there’s no real hurry.”

“I guess...it wouldn’t have worked out anyway,” a small smile formed on Dean’s lips.

“Oh? Why not?” Lily asked.

“Because she’s a Virgo and I’m a Sagittarius and we’re not compatible at all,” Dean grinned at his mom, and Lily couldn’t help but laugh.


	34. Let's Celebrate...Everything

As the first anniversary of the boys’ adoption approached, Lily and Tony had planned a huge surprise. On August 1, Roman, Dean, and Seth arrived home from the Community Center to discover both their parents at home. Seth tensed; the last time that’d happened, it had been because Papa Angelo was gone. They piled out of Roman’s Jeep and rushed to the kitchen to find...a huge pile of suitcases? It didn’t make sense, and their mother and father were nowhere to be seen. It was Roman who noticed the envelope on the kitchen table that said “Brothers Girardi” on the outside. Roman opened it up and they read it together. It was a poem, a haiku:

lawn mower tools fridge  
Jeep Toyota Cadillac  
better find it fast

Seth looked at his brothers and grinned; okay, this was a game, and they were more than up for the challenge. 

“These are all things that are in the garage,” Dean said. “There’s a fridge in there..there must be something in there.” Roman and Seth agreed.

The 3-car garage was empty of vehicles; all four were parked in the drive at the moment. It should have been a quick find, but the boys quickly realized that their parents were in it to win it, and nothing was hiding in plain sight. 

“Maybe it’s inside one of the things in the poem?” Roman mused.

“Well, the cars aren’t even in the garage right now...and you can’t really hide anything in the lawn mower. I don’t see anything on it. But let’s check the fridge and the tool box!” Dean ran for the tools, while Roman hit the fridge. Seth busied himself inspecting the shelves on the far wall, and immediately he realized something didn’t look quite right. There was an extra box on the bottom shelf. Seth pulled it out, and it had a sign on it that read, “Open Me.”

“Guys!” He called to his brothers. 

“Wait, what if this is a trick?” Dean asked.

“What kind of trick?” Seth was curious.

“I don’t know, but would you put it past Mom and Dad to like have pies fly out of it or something? Maybe we should take it outside to the grass.”

“Smart,” Roman muttered. The boys dragged the box out away from the cars and into the grass before carefully opening it up.

There were no pies, but inside was what looked like a small mountain and a bottle of clear liquid. Dean reached in and slowly lifted it out, then set it on the ground.

“Where’s the clue?” Seth asked.

“I don’t...there’s nothing else in here,” Dean began, but then something clearly dawned on him. “Wait...I think...I think this is a volcano.”

“A volcano? Why?” Roman asked.

“Because there’s a hole at the top, and this,” Dean had opened the bottle and was carefully wafting towards his nose, “is vinegar.”

“Ohhhhhhhh….so we pour some in there…” Roman got it. 

“And then we stand back…” Dean continued to muse. He leaned over, poured some vinegar into the top, and then backed up. 

The volcano started to shake, and a white vapor began to float out of it, and then, a small explosion of red liquid began to gush out, and with it, a sealed plastic bag with something white inside. All three boys whooped.

Dean picked it up to open it, and inside they found another poem, cinquain this time.

Mom   
Quiet, Decorated  
Working, Thinking, Saving  
Shhhh...a genius is working here.  
Blue Room

“Gotta be Mom’s office,” said Roman immediately.

They ran into the house, through the kitchen, and down the hall. The office door was partially closed, so they crept in slowly. All three of them looked around. 

“Hmmmm...not really a whole lot of places to hide things in here…” Seth muttered.

Indeed, there really wasn’t. The room had shelves, a desk, a file cabinet, a loveseat, and a small table. The walls were blue, and Lily had various things hanging on them---mainly diplomas, certificates, and photos of the boys. Then their eyes all landed on the same photo at the same time. It was a pic of the three of them at the beach from the year before; their parents had put it on their Christmas card. They were all sitting cross-legged and side by side, Seth in the middle, and their mom had a copy in a frame on the wall. But someone had taken a marker and drawn coconut bras and grass skirts on each of them over the glass. Roman and Dean burst out laughing. Seth raised his eyebrows. 

Dean lifted the frame off the wall and not shockingly, there was another envelope underneath it. Inside the envelope was another poem. This time, it was diamante.

Food  
Delicious, Tasty  
Dining, Chomping, Chewing  
Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Dessert  
Bonding, Talking, Having Fun  
Sweet, Salty  
Family

 

_________________________

 

The brothers looked at each other.

“Kitchen!” They all yelled at once.

The kitchen proved to be a difficult place to find a clue, as there were dozens of nooks and crannies and places to look. 

“It says ‘dining’,” Seth mused. “Maybe it’s under the table?”

They checked but found nothing.

After searching every cabinet, the oven, the fridge, the pantry, and the drawers, the boys had come up empty. Dean even considered sticking his hand in the garbage disposal, but Roman had seen Final Destination too many times to let him. They were stumped. They all sat down at the kitchen table and looked at each other. 

“We’re missing something. We’ve gotta be,” Seth muttered. Roman and Dean nodded, then Roman reached for the paper.

“We’ve got the room right. There’s just no other place in the house that it can be. What about...sweet and salty? Every word in this has to mean something, guys. What is sweet and salty?”

“Candied bacon,” offered Dean. Seth and Roman grinned.

“Yeah, but unless there’s a big pan of candied bacon in the fridge, and I sure didn’t see one…” Roman began and trailed off.

“Hey...remember the time Mom made candied-bacon-wrapped pineapple?” Seth asked.

“Damn...yeah. That was good stuff,” said Dean.

“What was that for? I can’t remember,” Seth wondered and Roman smiled.

“My Gotcha Day,” he said softly. 

“Oh, yeah!” Seth’s face brightened. “I love our Gotcha Days.”

Gotcha Day was the anniversary of the days when each of the boys came home. They weren’t as big as birthdays in the Girardi house, but Lily and Tony always had a small celebration anyway. 

“I hope we celebrate those forever,” said Seth.

“Bet we will,” Dean responded. “You know Mom and Dad; they never need an excuse for a celebration.”

Roman laughed.

“It’ll be time for a celebration if we ever figure this out. Sweet and salty. I really think that’s where we’re going wrong here. What’s sweet and salty and tasty?” He started to head to the pantry again when out of the corner of his eye, he saw it. Their father’s addiction.

Tony had a thing for honey roasted peanuts. It was kind of a family joke at this point and every Christmas the boys bought him a giant can and wrapped it for him. The rest of the year, he’d keep a can in the snack cabinet religiously and would tease that anyone who touched them was going to lose a hand. The snack cabinet was still open after Roman had searched it and suddenly he realized that there was more than one can of peanuts now sitting on the shelf.

“Guys! Look!” Roman walked over and grabbed the cans. There were three of them, and when he shook them, he could hear something inside but it definitely wasn’t peanuts. Instead, each can contained a brand new pair of sunglasses, and---

“Puzzle pieces?” Seth was confused. 

“I thought we were doing poetry?” Dean was baffled too.

“A clue’s a clue, guys,” said Roman, spreading the pieces out on the kitchen table. Based on the colors in the puzzle pieces, they could tell instantly that it was a photo of their four dogs. 

“Well, do we even have to spend time putting this together?” Dean asked? “It’s gotta be in the dogs’ room.” 

The dogs’ room was a smallish room off of the laundry room. There were doggy beds and toys in it. That was where Lily and Tony had put the pups when they first brought each of the boys home, not sure how the kids would feel about puppy love. It didn’t end up being a problem; all three of them loved animals, but it was a precaution. These days the dogs didn’t spend a ton of time in their room, as each of the boys had a favorite who slept with them and the fourth was pretty attached to their parents, but occasionally, they liked to go in there during the day and sleep in the sun.

“I don’t know if this is for sure the dogs’ room…” Seth said slowly. “Some of these pieces look like they have parts of words on them. I think we have to put it together.”

“You two put it together, then. I’m going to search the dogs’ room.” Dean, stubborn as always, stood and left the table.

“I wonder how she got all four of them to sit for a picture,” Roman mused as he and Seth sorted pieces, and he noticed with a soft smile the tip of Seth’s tongue sticking out.

“Bet she bribed them with peanut butter,” Seth continued to focus. “Either that or she photoshopped it.” 

They worked together in silence for awhile, before everything started to come together. It was definitely the four dogs, but they seemed to be holding the message on boards around their necks. As they finished they grinned at each other. 

“Hey, Dean!” Roman called. “We got it!”

There in the photo was each of the dogs, and each did indeed have a tag around its neck. Honey’s read “It’s”. Gator’s said “in”. Wyatt’s said “the”. Stella’s said “bathroom.” 

“It’s in the bathroom!”

Roman had to hand it to Seth; he was pretty smart about figuring this stuff out. They’d gone into their bathroom. The bathtub was filled with inflatable plastic pineapples, and buried within them was the next clue. It was another haiku.

kiddo, sweetie, bub  
daddy and mama love you  
let’s all celebrate

look for us outside  
quickly because we’re waiting  
with your final clue

They ran through the house and to the kitchen, then threw open the back door to discover---their parents.

Lily and Tony were seated in lounge chairs on the patio. There were tiki lights strung up and soft luau music playing. Both were wearing leis. Lily had a flower in her hair and was holding a coconut with a straw and a little umbrella sticking out of it. Tony was brandishing a ukelele and wearing a Hawaiian shirt. They both grinned when they saw the boys.

“You found us!” Tony beamed.

Lily pointed to the table, where there were three envelopes, one with each of their names. They opened them eagerly and found boarding passes to Kahului.

“What is Kahului?” Seth was curious.

“It’s a city on the island of Maui,” Tony replied.

“We’re going to HAWAII?!” Dean shrieked happily.

“YES!” Lily shrieked back. 

“When?” Seth asked.

“Wait...these say our flight leaves at 8:45 tonight…” Roman noticed quickly.

“Yup!” Tony said happily, looking at his watch. “That means we have just enough time to load the car up with our luggage. Mom and I packed everything you could possibly need. We have a load of suprises planned for this trip. We just...we thank God every day for giving us the three of you, and we wanted to do something special to celebrate this very important anniversary with our very important, wonderful, loved boys.”


	35. Aloha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3,500+ views, wheeeeeeeeeeee!

The ride to the airport was filled with happy chatter, and the wait for the plane was ecstatic. They ate nachos and wings at a Chili’s near their gate, and the conversation never left the trip.

“How long have you been planning this?” Roman asked his parents.

“Well, to be honest, we’ve been kind of thinking about how we’d celebrate our famiversary for awhile,” Tony began, and all three boys burst out laughing.”

“Famiversary? Is that a thing?” Dean asked.

“It is now,” Lily giggled and wrapped her arm around Roman. 

“Mom and I have always wanted to go to Hawaii,” Tony said. “You guys are old enough now to do some really fun stuff, and God knows, you’ve earned this.”

“We’ve also always wanted to take a really big family trip, and there’s no time like now.” Lily was still grinning from ear to ear.

“When will we get there?” Dean was practically vibrating from excitement, which made Roman smile. 

“Well, the truth is, it’s gonna be a long night. But that’s part of why we opted to fly at night. Plus Hawaii is like 6 hours behind us. So we have a layover at LAX, but we don’t have to get off the plane, and then it’s about a 7 hour flight to Maui. When we get there, it’ll be morning here but it’ll still kind of be late tonight out there. We’ll get to sleep, sleep in, and then start the fun.”

“What are we going to do?” Seth was practically bursting as well.

“Anything you guys want to do,” Tony answered. “We’ve rented a condo, we’ll have a car, and we can very easily hop a plane to a different island if there’s something else we want to see, though Maui has a ton to offer.”

Dean was already Googling on his phone.

“Can we go to a volcano? Please?” He begged.

“It’s our trip, guys. We can do anything anyone wants to do. I promised Mom we’d go whale watching, and I want to go to an authentic luau, and there’s miles and miles of beach. You name it, we can do it. So volcano for Dean. Would you guys like to take surfing lessons?”

“WICKED!” Seth cried. “I’ve always wanted to learn how to surf! Can we swim with dolphins?”

“Yes,” said Tony diplomatically. “We can.”

“Are we going to have time for all of this?” Roman wondered.

“We should. We’ll be there for three weeks,” Lily answered. “I know that butts up against school starting, but we really want to do this right.”

Roman sighed happily. Three weeks in Hawaii would perfectly cap off their summer. He couldn’t wait to get there.

“So...whale watching, surfing, a volcano---wait! Can I have pineapple pancakes?!” Dean was practically beside himself with excitement.

“Sweetie,” their mom said, “we wouldn’t dream of letting you go to Hawaii without getting pineapple pancakes.”

One of the things Roman loved most about long flights was how Seth slept. He absolutely loved both of his brothers, but whenever one of them was out of the equation, that left a one-to-one parent to child ratio, so he got some extra time to talk to his mom. On the three and a half hour flight to LA, Roman found himself in the window seat in First Class, with his mom sandwiched between him and Seth. His little brother fell asleep on their mother’s shoulder before they even reached cruising altitude, so Roman and Lily talked about every topic under the sun, including---girls.

“Dean wouldn’t have wanted to date Kenna anyway,” he confided in his mother. “She’s just snobby. Like if you aren’t old enough or you aren’t popular enough, you don’t count. That’s not my kind of girl. And I think Dean would get bored with that pretty fast.”

“I think I agree. So how about you? Any relationships on your radar?”

Roman blushed. He couldn’t help it. His mother smiled at him.

“You know Megan Laird?” Roman asked Lily.

“Megan Laird...yeah. She’s in your grade, right? On the girls’ basketball team?”

“Yeah...that’s her.” 

“Gonna ask her out?” Lily shifted so her arm was around Seth, allowing her to better face Roman. 

“I don’t know...thinking about it.” Roman sighed.

“Pros?” Lily asked.

“She’s fun to talk to. Not snobby at all, eventhough she’s a really good player. Actually she’s kind of shy, I think.” 

“Was she at your birthday party?”

“Yes, but she...I mean there were so many people, Mom. It was hard to really talk to anyone too much. I think she mostly sat and talked to Seth.”

Then Seth’s sleepy voice piped up,

“She did. She’s really nice, Roman. You should totally ask her out.”

Roman glared at Seth, and Lily burst out laughing.

“Okay, bub, you little eavesdropper,” their mother planted a kiss on top of Seth’s hair, then leaned over to plant another on Roman’s cheek. Roman smiled a little.

“She has a little sister, you know. If you’re interested,” Roman poked Seth, who wrinkled his nose.

“No thanks. Girls mess everything up. Right Dad?” Seth looked across the aisle at Tony, who was now fully observing their conversation. His eyebrows raised, and Roman saw him smile at their mom.

“There’s really no good way for me to answer that question, buddy,” he began. 

“That’s for sure,” said Lily playfully. Seth yawned, and Lily’s hand found his hair. He was asleep again in under a minute. Lily turned back to Roman.

“I think if you like Megan, you should give it a go,” she said. “Worst thing that happens is she says no, and even then...I mean you just never know, Ro.”

“Roman’s got a crush,” Dean snickered softly, but one look from Tony silenced him. 

“Did he tease you about Kenna?” Tony asked.

“No…”

“Then can it, boy.” Tony playfully bonked Dean on the back of his head before wrapping his arms around him and letting him lay across his lap. Roman heard Dean sigh happily. He let his mind wander back to a time when all of this closeness wouldn’t have been okay with any of them, and for about the trillionth time in the last year, he thanked God for giving him a real family.

Roman wasn’t sure when he fell asleep but when he woke up, his head was on his mother’s shoulder and he head a real crick in his neck. For a moment, he forgot where he was and he jumped a little, until he felt his mom squeeze his hand and nuzzle him.

“Shh...you okay?” Her voice was barely louder than a whisper, and Roman realized that he was still on a plane. 

“Yeah...yeah, where are we?” On the way to Hawaii...Dean was now draped over Lily, and Seth was across the aisle with his head in Tony’s lap. When had he and Dean switched places?

“Somewhere over the Pacific,” Lily murmured. 

“What about L.A.?” Roman fidgeted, trying to find a comfortable way to sit.

“Baby, you slept through that whole thing. We landed, we waited about an hour and a half, and we took off again. Your brother here whined the whole time,” Lily smiled fondly down at Dean. 

“Because he had to sit still?”

“He had to sit still, he was bored, he was stiff, you were asleep, he was starving. I think really he was just totally exhausted because once we made him and Sethie trade places, he passed out on my lap and hasn’t moved since. Roman, are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. Why?”

“Because your expression looks pained,” Lily said. She reached up, removed Roman’s hand from his neck, and gently began massaging the same spot. Instant relief. 

“I guess I slept funny,” he muttered, relaxing into his mom’s touch. 

“You want to get up and stretch? Walk to the restroom?” 

Roman sighed deeply and shook his head. 

“Nah. I’m good. Don’t want to wake Dean trying to climb over him.”

“He’ll go back to sleep, kiddo.”

“I know. But I’m okay. Rubbing my neck helps.” Roman sighed again. He felt better now.

The darkness followed them all the way west, and when they landed in Hawaii it was 2:30 am local time. The boys quickly learned that didn’t matter out there, as they were still greeted at the gate by an entourage of lovely ladies, who place real flower leis around each of their necks. By the time they got their luggage and got a rented SUV, then drove to the condo they were staying in, it was past 4. Although he couldn’t see it well in the dark, Roman could hear the ocean outside the window of his bedroom. It lulled him, and he drifted off, excited for whatever adventures were coming his way.

 

When Dean woke up, he was freaking in HAWAII. It was a dream come true, really. Surfing, a real volcano, and pineapple pancakes? Seriously? Could life be better? 

He laid in the bed in the room he was sharing with Seth for a long time before getting up. The condo was more like a townhome, Dean decided, and it had just three bedrooms. They’d played Rock, Paper, Scissors to determine who would get their own room first, and Dean had lost to Roman of course, but he didn’t mind. He actually kind of liked sharing with Seth. In an unfamiliar place, the sound of his little brother’s soft breathing helped him relax, and he knew Seth was perfectly happy to not be by himself. 

Eventually, though, he began to hear movement downstairs, and he knew he was too excited to go back to sleep. So he got up and found his mother in the kitchen making coffee. 

“Mama?” 

Lily immediately turned and grinned at him, which made Dean smile a goofy smile as well. After all these years, he still couldn’t get past the way his parents were always legitimately happy to see him. Dean scooted over so he could hug his mom. 

“Good morning, sweetie. Sleep okay?” Lily began trying to smooth Dean’s hair down, which suited him just fine. He knew it was probably all over the place.

“What are we gonna do first?” Dean wanted to know. 

“Well, right now, you and I are going to go sit and watch the ocean on the porch while your brothers sleep,” Lily replied. “Daddy went to the corner store to get some cream and stuff, and then he mentioned getting donuts. We need to grocery shop, and then we’ll probably make a plan.”

“Can I have some coffee?” Dean asked.

“Since when do you like coffee?”

“Since we don’t have any Gatorade yet.” Lily smiled at him again.

“Fair enough,” she said.

Dean poured himself about half a cup, wrinkling his nose. He really didn’t like coffee, but he figured it couldn’t hurt to try some again. He took a sip and fought back a gag. Nope, still gross. Maybe when Dad got back with the cream and sugar, it could be salvaged.

“What day do I get to see my volcano?”

“I don’t know yet. We have to look into it, sweetness,” Lily sipped her coffee, staring out at the incredible view before them.

“But...we’re really gonna do it, right? Right, Mom?” Dean knew he sounded childish but he was desperate to try this.

“Of course we are,” Lily said. “But Maui doesn’t have any active volcanos, so we’ll have to go to another island, and logistically, that takes some planning. Don’t worry, Dean. Everybody’s going to get what they want out of this trip. We have all kinds of time.” 

Dean smiled at her.

“I know...thank you for bringing us here, Mom. I’ve always wanted to see Hawaii.”

“Me too,” Lily said. “Wanna help me figure out some meals?”

“Okay,” Dean agreed. 

They’d agreed on lasagna, burgers with all the fixings, and chicken enchiladas by the time Tony returned, although Lily swore up and down that they’d be eating out a bit too because she was NOT spending her entire vacation cooking. Dean giggled at that, and bit into a coconut donut. It was glazed, and it was still warm. He groaned happily.

Tony glanced at his cup before looking back at Dean.

“When did you start drinking coffee?” Lily laughed.

“I asked him the same question. Turns out he started this morning and by the looks of it, he’ll be quitting some time this afternoon.”

Dean grinned.

“Well, I guess you’ll have to find something else, then,” said Tony. “I picked up a few things. Go look in the kitchen.”

Dean did, and was thrilled to find an ice cold tangerine Gatorade waiting for him in the fridge.

When he returned to the patio, his parents were pouring over different brochures.

“Okay, Dean,” said his dad. “In order to do this volcano trip, we leave Maui and fly to the Big Island. Then we have to rent a car and drive to Mt. Kilauea. Then we take a helicopter ride over the volcano. There are flights to and from every day. Sound good?”

It sounded amazing, and Dean told his father so.

“Good,” Tony said. “Let me make some calls and we’ll see when we can get time for all 5 of us.”

Dean began to feel reasonably giddy.

Seth and Roman woke up before much longer, both begging to go down to the beach. Their parents agreed that Lily would take them while their dad went grocery shopping and scheduled their trip to see the volcano. Within minutes, all three boys were in their bathing suits and ready to go. 

Lily sprayed them all with sunscreen. It was fabulous. The water was clear and blue. The waves weren’t too rough yet, and because it was barely 9 am, there weren’t many people yet either. None of them hesitated to make a beeline for the water. It was so warm. Dean laid right down on his back and let the waves wash over his legs and belly. This must be why people said Hawaii was paradise. 

A couple of hours later, Tony joined them at the beach, proclaiming that the shopping was done and he’d already put together the lasagna for that night’s dinner, and oh by the way, they’d be going to see the volcano tomorrow.

“Tomorrow?!” All three boys shrieked at the same time. Their father grinned.

“Starting the trip off right,” he said.

For the first day the family was content to just relax, enjoy the beach, and enjoy each other. Over dinner that night, Tony went over with them some of the things that had been planned.

“So we’ll do the volcano tomorrow,” he said, “and then on Wednesday, whale watching. Both of those nights it would probably be best to eat dinner out. On Thursday we’ll have a rest/beach day and then on Friday, I signed you three up for surfing lessons. You’ll go Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.” The three boys cheered.

“Friday evening we’re going to a real luau, complete with a pig cooked in the ground.” 

The next day was more or less the greatest day of Dean’s life. Mt. Kilauea pretty much constantly erupted, so there was lava flowing downhill into the ocean most of the day and night. It wasn’t the explosive kind of eruption that most people thought of, but Dean still thought it was wicked cool anyway. And the helicopter pilot was awesome, flying as low as he dared. Dean told his father that if he hung by his feet from the landing gear, he could probably touch the lava. Tony had laughed, but Dean noticed he placed himself between Dean and the door after that. 

The helicopter ride lasted about an hour, but Dean wished it could last forever. When it was over, Lily and Tony took the boys to the Kilauea Lodge, where they served pineapple pancakes all day. Dean wasn’t sure this day could get any better. After they ate, they perused the lodge gift shop, where all three boys came away with t-shirts, and Dean also got a travel mug, a lava rock, and a wicked holographic poster of lava running down the side of the volcano. As far as days went, this one had been pretty fabulous. By the time they arrived back at the the condo on Maui, Dean had just enough energy left to hug and thank both of his parents before he crashed into his bed and dreamed of volcanos all night.


	36. Wings

Seth woke up the morning after the volcano expedition feeling nervous. As much as he wanted to go whale watching, and he did, he’d never been on a boat on the ocean before, and he’d done some reading and knew that the boat wasn’t very big and it had to go pretty far out if they were to actually see anything. He wondered if he got seasick. He never really had trouble with motion sickness in the car or in a plane, and he had never had trouble on a boat on a lake, but a lake didn’t have waves. 

It’d be okay, though. Roman and Dean would be there. So would Mom and Dad. Seth had to admit that seeing how happy the volcano trip the day before had made Dean gave him great satisfaction. He couldn’t wait until it was his turn to plan one of their days. He really wanted to swim with a dolphin. And Maui was supposed to have an amazing aquarium. And maybe they could watch some sea turtles. 

All three of the Girardi brothers loved animals, beneficial since their home was a refuge for so many. They each had a favorite dog and a favorite cat. Seth loved it when Wyatt slept with him at night. It usually only happened in the winter when it was cooler outside, but that was okay. Then there were the horses, which were fun to ride, feed, and help care for, and the giant fish tank their parents had bought them one Christmas, and plus, Dean had a salamander. He’d wanted a gecko but PetsMart hadn’t had any that he found satisfactory, so he’d settled on the red and black amphibian instead. Dean named it Killer.

Those were all normal pets though, even Killer, and the thought of spending time up close and personal with something a little more exotic was exciting. 

But first, Seth had to get through whale watching. The trip out was easy enough; the water was fairly calm early in the morning. And it was nothing like the kind of ocean water he was used to seeing, either. The water in Galveston, even from afar, appeared gray or brown, from the shallower water and the sand getting kicked up often. This water, though, was bluish green as far as the eye could see. They were out far enough now that the land was just a tiny speck in the distance. It was Dean who saw it first.

“Look, Seth!” His brother breathed softly, while reaching for their mother’s hand. 

And there it was.

The amazing humpback whale was close, maybe 100 yards from the boat. It’s deep gray skin was a stark contrast to the blue water. Seth felt his mother squeeze his hand as all five Girardi’s gathered at the railing. Seth thought about all of the words he knew, but the only one he could think of that was appropriate to describe this magnificent creature was majestic. 

About 50 yards to the east---or was it south? Seth wasn’t sure) another whale surfaced at that moment, and it sent a tremendous spout of water up through it’s blow hole. Everyone on the boat cheered. Shortly after, a third, this one slightly smaller, came to the surface. Now there were three of the gorgeous animals within 100 yards of the boat. Seth caught his breath in his throat. The first whale, not as big as the second but larger than the third, flicked it’s tail out of the water and brought it back down with a mighty splash. The smallest whale followed suit, and then the big one rolled to the side, waving it’s pectoral fin in the air. 

“It’s waving at us!” Seth was truly delighted. Then he looked up and noticed tears streaming down his mother’s cheeks. 

“Mom, why are you crying?” Roman asked, suddenly alarmed. Their mother smiled.

“Sometimes life is just so beautiful that you get overwhelmed with emotion and it has to go somewhere,” was all Lily said. She didn’t have to explain though. Seth knew exactly what she meant.

They spent their Thursday beach day just relaxing. Seth had been in the water a few times and was half asleep on his pillow in the sand when his gaze fell to Dean. He was off on his own, but he was talking to a very beautiful girl. She was clearly Hawaiian, with long straight dark hair, tanned skin, and almond shaped eyes. Seth watched with interest as his brother leaned in close to her, listening intently to whatever she was saying. Then Dean said something and she threw her head back and laughed. Seth made a mental note to file this information away for later.

When Seth woke up on Friday morning, he leaped out of bed and began digging in his clothes for a clean bathing suit, not bothering to keep quiet.

“What,” Dean groaned, “are you doing? What time is it?”

Seth looked at his phone.

“It’s 7:14. C’mon, we gotta get up. It’s surfing day!”

That got Dean’s attention in a big hurry.

He joined Seth in the hunt for a bathing suit and within 10 minutes they were standing in the kitchen trying to decide what they wanted for breakfast. Even their parents hadn’t come down yet.

Seth opened the fridge.

“Want bacon and eggs?” 

Dean looked at him incredulously.

“Are you kidding? I don’t want to sink my surfboard! Don’t we have anything lighter?”

Seth continued to dig.

“How about yogurt, fruit, and granola?” His brother nodded.

“Yeah, that’s better. Pass me the cantaloupe.”

They sliced fruit together, quietly, until their father appeared in the kitchen, bleary eyed and stumbling. 

“Coffee,” he croaked. Seth offered him a cup, and Dean placed a bowl of fruit and yogurt on the table in front of him.

“Hmmm…” Tony said after taking a few sips. “You two should make breakfast more often.” 

“It’s just yogurt, Dad,” said Dean, smiling.

“I know but it hit the spot,” Tony replied. “Listen, guys, I want to talk to you about something. Your mom isn’t really keen on you guys surfing today.” 

Tony held up his hand when Dean began to protest.

“Now, just listen. She’s not going to say you can’t. But it’s a huge leap of faith for her to be supportive of this. I guess what I’m just asking is that you guys take your lessons seriously and be careful. Okay?”

Seth nodded.

“Of course, Dad,” he replied.

“If this goes well, I could totally be convinced to buy you guys some surfing equipment to use at the Gulf. I mean they don’t have GREAT surfing at the Gulf but still.”

The idea of having his own surfboard excited Seth greatly. It just looked so much fun. The boards were colorful, and the people riding them were hot. Not that Seth expected to become hot himself just by learning how to surf, but it couldn’t be a bad start, could it?

Once ready, Tony took the boys down to a place called Surf’s Up to meet their instructor and get started. He introduced himself as Kai, and right away Seth noticed that he was a little pushy, but he pushed that thought out of his mind as he was introduced to a broad selection of board choices. Seth chose one that was green and black with a purple flame right down the center. Roman’s was all black with some red tribal detail on one end, and Dean opted for electric blue with green, yellow, and orange splashes of color all over. Even Tony got in on the fun, with a board similar to Seth’s, except it was dark blue with a yellow flame.

Next, the boys tried on wet suits. Not necessary, Kai explained, but useful when you’re starting out because you wipe out a lot more than you stay up and the salt water hitting your skin hurts.

“Now, you guys have lessons for the next three days, so we’ll be keeping your equipment for you to use each time,” Kai said. “Once you’re done, if you want to rent the same stuff, that’s an option as well.” The boys all nodded, certain that they’d be surfing every day for the rest of the trip. 

Once the equipment was checked out they headed to the beach, where the first thing they learned was how to wax their boards so they wouldn’t slip as easily. Then he walked them through the process.

“We’re going to go through each step one at a time,” Kai told them. “But no worries; my students are always up on their boards by the end of the first day. Then the next two days are spent honing the skills. So the first thing we’re going to work on is just catching a wave. To do that, we’re going to lay on our stomachs and use our arms to paddle out. When you see a wave that looks like it has some power, you use your arms to turn around, and then you let the wave carry you back in. Watch me.”

It looked easy enough, when Kai did it. And Tony was successful immediately. When the boys did it, it took several tries. Roman had the upper body strength to paddle out and then turn, but Dean and Seth rode the waves in backwards more than once before getting the hang of it. 

“Okay. You guys are looking good,” Kai said. “Now the plan is that after you turn around, you get to your knees. That’s all I want you to do right now; just try and get to your knees and ride it back in. Remember: you WILL fall off the first few times. That’s okay. You’re tethered to your board and your board is buoyant. You won’t sink and you won’t drown---IF you don’t panic. This is gonna sound crazy, but when you fall, if you can’t immediately surface, try to let your body relax. Your board will pull you back up. Don’t try to fight; it wastes your energy. Just let your board carry you. Okay?”

All three nodded, and then they watched Kai demonstrate. He made it seem so effortless, but once the boys tried it was anything but.

Roman went first. He made it to his hands and knees okay, but he wasn’t in the right spot on the board, and when he tried to get up on just his knees, his board pitched forward and he wiped right out. But he came up laughing and as the waves brought him back to the beach, he stood up in the shallow water and picked up his board.

“This is amazing, guys,” Roman said gleefully. “This is incredible.”

One by one, Tony, Dean, and Seth all took turns and Seth agreed that it was incredible, although it took him seven tries before he could get to his knees steadily. It was all about finding your balance, Kai explained, as they took a break. By then, Lily had joined them to watch the remainder of the lessons, and she brought with her a snack of trail mix and bottled water.

“You gonna be able to walk tomorrow?” Lily teased Tony gently. “Aren’t you a little too old for this?”

“You’re only as old as you feel, Lu,” Tony responded, and he picked Lily up and ran right out into the water with her in his arms, Lily shrieking and laughing the whole way. Seth looked up to see Dean taking a picture of their display with his phone.

“You know, I always thought watching them behave like this would get old or embarrassing eventually,” Dean said to Roman and Seth. “But to be honest, the older I get the more fun they are. They really truly love each other, don’t they.”

It wasn’t a question, and the three agreed.

After resting a bit, Kai determined it was time to start trying to stand on the boards.

“You use your balance to steer,” he said. “Lean the direction you want the board to go. And remember, when you fall in, just don’t panic. Trust your board.”

Seth trusted his board, but he soon realized that either he didn’t trust the waves or he didn’t trust himself. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t bring himself to stand up on his surfboard, even though Roman mastered it immediately and Dad and Dean didn’t require much practice. It wasn’t long before Seth was the only one not actually surfing, but each time he paddled out, it just didn’t feel right. Kai was getting impatient.

“Seth. Dude. Just TRUST YOUR BOARD.” Lily gave Kai a dirty look.

“It’s okay, bub. Better not to push yourself. It’s not like you have to stop practicing.” Seth’s mother patted his arm, but that only made him more determined. 

Lesson time was running out and finally it was the last run before lunch time and stopping for the day. 

“You can do it, Seth,” Roman and Dean both encouraged, while Tony shook his head. 

“Just go with the flow, buddy, okay? Mom’s right; you’ll have plenty of time in the next two and a half weeks to keep practicing.” Lily just looked on, clearly slighly nervous.

Seth paddled out and immediately saw a wave that looked doable for him, but as he began to turn, he could feel his board turn sideways just a little. He didn’t think he’d be able to straighten it before getting to his feet, but dammit if he was going to be the only one who didn’t get it.   
He could hear Kai yelling at him from the beach.

“Come on, Seth, stop thinking and just stand up!”

It didn’t feel right; Seth knew it didn’t, but he had to do it. He did his best to straighten up before getting to his knees, and then---he was standing.

It lasted about 15 seconds before he lost his balance and then the crooked board flipped over and up. Seth tumbled backwards into the wave. The board came down and hit him right on the top of his head. Momentarily stunned, Seth tried to remember what he was supposed to do. He opened his eyes to see if he could find light; if so he could just swim to the surface, but the saltwater stung more than he anticipated and immediately, he closed them. He tried to just keep still and wait to see if his wits came back but he was completely underwater and the only thing he could really think about was that his lungs were starting to cave in. He remembered Kai saying his board would carry him to the surface but he had no concept of where his board even was right then.

Don’t panic, he told himself. Yeah. Right.

He needed to breathe. He was going to pass out if he didn’t breathe.

You’re okay, he tried to tell himself. Be patient. Be patient. 

But Seth’s body was crying out for air, and he couldn’t control it anymore. Frantic, he took a desperate breath. Then the entire world went black.

 

______________________________

 

Lily watched Seth try to stand on his surfboard, and then she watched him fall back into the water, which didn’t concern her at first; they’d been told a million times that they’d fall pretty often before they got it right. Her first clue that something was wrong came when Kai muttered an expletive, grabbed a life preserver, and headed into the water. Then Lily realized something---Seth wasn’t surfacing.

Again, that shouldn’t have been cause for concern; hadn’t they also been told not to panic and to just float? But it bothered her that the instructor had gone in after him. Kai and Seth finally reached the surface and Llly started to breathe a sigh of relief until she noticed what looked like blood on Seth’s face. Fear really set in when she realized that Kai had his arm across Seth’s chest and seemed to be holding him up---her baby wasn’t moving. She and Tony looked at each other, and Tony began to run straight into the water. As Kai pulled Seth in, Tony picked him up completely. Lily was at their side by that point.

“What’s wrong? What happened? Where is he bleeding?” Seth’s eyes were closed but he was coughing and choking, then he gagged and vomited sea water. Tony wasn’t answering Lily; instead he was trying to wake their son.

“Seth? Hey. You’re okay. We’ve got you. It’s okay. Seth, can you hear me?” 

Lily forced herself to calm down as Tony sat Seth down in her waiting arms. He was still coughing, but he opened his eyes.

“Mama,” Seth managed to stutter before slouching down against her. He was trying to lie down, but Lily held him in a sitting position.

“No, no. Upright. Shhh...I’ve got you,” she patted Seth’s back as Tony wrapped a towel around them both. “Just breathe, bub. Just relax and breathe.”

Seth did as his mother instructed and after a few minutes, he stopped gasping and while he still coughed intermittently, he began to relax into Lily’s embrace. She rubbed his stomach. 

“What happened?” Tony asked quietly. Seth just shook his head and held onto his mother, clearly still stunned. 

“Ro, grab a bottle of water,” Lily instructed. Roman did as he was told, and Tony held the bottle to Seth’s lips.

“Small sips,” Lily murmured. 

Just then, Kai returned with an oxygen tank, although upon examining Seth a little closer, all of the adults agreed that he didn’t seem to need it. Lily began gently searching Seth’s hair until she saw the source of the blood---a small gash on top of his head. It wasn’t deep, and it had already stopped bleeding, and she could tell it wouldn’t require stitches. She also noticed with relief that a bump was already forming. 

“I saw the board hit his head,” Kai explained. “So I just took off. You okay, Seth?”

Seth nodded. Lily could feel that he was calmer now, resting his head against her shoulder and breathing normally, although he did still cough here and there. She hugged him tight. For a long time, no one spoke, except for the occasional murmur to Seth that everything was okay. 

“I was trying...I was really trying,” Seth mumbled. Kai smiled at him.

“I know. You did great. Tomorrow we’ll keep trying, if you’re up for it.”

Lily couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing.

“No, I really don’t think---” she began, but Seth interrupted.

“No, it’s okay, Mom. I’ll be fine, I just...I just need to rest today and tomorrow I’ll be fine.” Seth punctuated his speech with a fit of coughing, and that was all Lily needed.

“No. I don’t think so. Seth, boys---I’m sorry, but no more surfing.”

“WHAT?” All three boys yelled in unison, and even Tony seemed about to protest.

“That’s not fair!” Dean cried.

“Mom, please!” Roman argued. 

And then Seth jumped to his feet.

“Will you STOP treating me like a baby?” Lily froze.

“Seth. Bub. It’s my job to protect you from getting hurt---” Seth interrupted her.

“Stopping me from living isn’t going to stop me from getting hurt!” Seth snapped. He sounded furious. “I’m sick of this. ‘Poor little Seth messed up again’: now you’re just going to ruin everyone’s fun. I’m not quitting, Mom. I WANT TO DO THIS. And if you stop me---I’ll never forgive you!”

With that, Seth stormed off, Roman and Dean hot on his heals. Lily sat there stunned. Seth had never spoken to her that way before; not once could she remember him having an outburst like that. It hurt her heart a little but she had to steel her resolve. Clearly, surfing was dangerous…

Tony interrupted her thoughts.

“Lu,” he began.

“No. Don’t try to talk me out of it. He could’ve died, T. He could’ve died right in front of us and I’m supposed to let him just go back and do it tomorrow? No, I don’t think so.”

“Lily. He’s fine. I know you were scared and I know Seth’s your baby but you can’t keep sheltering him his entire life---”

“OUR baby, in case you’ve forgotten, and if you think I can’t---”

“Will you listen to yourself? Just listen to yourself. Lily. You’re actually sitting here telling me that you intend to try and prevent our child from growing up. I’ve got news for you. They’re going to grow up, Lu. I know how you feel and I hate it too, but they’re going to grow up with or without us and if you try to stop that from happening---it’s going to be without you.”

Lily started to cry then.

“Oh, don’t give me that,” she said through her tears. “Seth is angry right now. He’s allowed to be angry. But it’s still up to us to keep him safe.”

“Babe, we weren’t there to keep him safe the first 12 years of his life. I know you want to make up for lost time, but he’s endured so much more than an accident surfing today. You can’t bubble wrap him, Lu. You can’t bubble wrap any of them. They have to learn. They have to grow. You...you’re the most amazing mother in the world, Lily. You truly are. But part of the reason for that is that you let them spread their wings. Don’t clip Seth’s, okay? He’s the only one who hasn’t really tried to spread them yet. You can’t stop him from learning to fly, babe. You can only help him learn the right way.”

Lily sighed; he was right. She had overreacted. 

“Yeah...yeah. I know,” she whispered. “Just...seeing you and Kai dragging him out of the water...and he wasn’t really moving...and wings or not, he’s still my baby…”

“I get it. It scared you. It scared me too. But my guess is it scared Seth most and he needs us now to let him know that it’s okay to keep going.”

Lily hadn’t thought about it like that, but it made sense.

“I think...I owe Seth an apology.” Lily stood up. Tony stood too, and wrapped his arm around his wife.

“This is why I love you,” he said with a smile.


	37. K-I-S-S-I-N-G

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quickie tonight! I've got some catching up to do, now.

Tony and Lily walked hand in hand back to the condo. Dean was in the kitchen layering a ton of stuff on a sandwich---it was at least 8 inches tall. Ham, turkey, pickles, onions, tomatoes, cheese---all the goodies.

“You gonna be able to get that in your mouth?” Tony teased. 

“I’m always up for a challenge,” Dean shot back. 

“Give it a go, sweetie,” Lily grinned at Dean, who glared back at his mother.

“Seth’s really mad at you and so am I,” he said. “This is totally wrong and unfair, Mom.”

Tony saw Lily’s face fall.

“Hey...buddy. Give Mom a break, okay. She’ll talk to Seth.”

“I know. He’s out back on the patio.”

“Thanks, sweetness,” Lily murmured. She headed to the door, and Tony followed, and he knew Dean wouldn’t be far behind. As they got to patio, they could hear Roman trying to reason with his brother.

“Dude. She was just afraid. That’s all. Give her a minute to calm down. And think of it from our perspective; it wasn’t fun to watch them dragging you out of the water.”

Seth never got a chance to respond, because right then Tony and Lily sat down at the table with the two boys. Roman had his arm around his brother, who was pale and, Tony noted, still coughing a little. Lily reached for Seth’s hand, but he pulled away from her.

“Listen...bub…” Lily began. Seth just shook his head.

“No, Seth, please. Look at me. Please.”

Finally Seth looked up to meet his mother’s gaze.

“I want to apologize, Seth. For getting upset with you earlier, and...I know I overreacted, bub. I’m so sorry I did that. That wasn’t okay.”

Seth’s wide brown eyes grew, and Tony could’ve spent a year archiving all of the different emotions in them. He realized that in almost 3 years, this was the first time Seth had ever acted out or raised his voice at his parents. What had he been expecting them to do? Tony couldn’t tell, but he knew by Seth’s expression that he hadn’t expected an apology.

“Mama, I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I yelled at you; I didn’t mean it, I just---” Lily pulled Seth into a hug and he stopped talking. 

“You know how I’m always telling you guys to think before you act?” Lily asked Seth softly, and he nodded.

“I didn’t do that today. I was scared and I panicked and I made a call before I stopped to think about it. I shouldn’t have done that. But I just...have you ever been so afraid that all you could hear was your heart pounding in your ears?”

Seth nodded again.

“Yeah, I bet you have,” Lily’s voice was quiet and gentle. “That’s how I felt when I saw you earlier. I just...I couldn’t think. Which is exactly why I should have waited to calm down before I just decided you couldn’t go surfing again. That was wrong of me too.”

Seth looked up into his mother’s eyes.

“So...we don’t have to quit?” He sounded so hopeful. Lily’s eyes met Tony’s, and then she smiled softly at their son.

“That,” she said, “is entirely up to you guys. It still makes me nervous, but I won’t stop you.”

Dean and Roman both whooped and Seth buried his face into Lily’s neck for a moment before looking back up at her.

“I...I want to try again, Mama,” he whispered. “I really think I can do it; it just...if the board hadn’t hit my head, this wouldn’t have even happened. But it did and for a minute, I wasn’t sure where I was and by the time I realized I was underwater I couldn’t quite...but I really, really want to try it again.”

“Okay,” Lily replied. “Then you should try again. You’ve got two more days of lessons. I know you can do it, bub.” 

Seth sighed and relaxed. 

“Thank you Mom. Thank you, Dad.”

Tony grinned.

“We love you guys,” he said. “And I gotta tell you---surfing is completely rad. I’m glad you want to keep trying.”

The boys laughed.

“Rad? Really, Dad?” Roman teased.

“No rad? How about...groovy?” Tony tried again, to the delight of his children, who laughed some more.

“Nope,” Dean said, patting Tony on his shoulder as he polished off his sandwich. “Don’t worry, Dad. We’ll catch you up on the lingo later. Now when are we leaving for the luau? I’m starving!”

 

_________________________________

 

Dean had done quite a bit of eating since arriving in Hawaii just a few days before. The food alone would’ve been a good enough reason for him to live there the rest of his life but on top of that there was the amazing beach, volcanoes, surfing (and by the way, Dean was quite proud of how quickly he was catching on), whales, family time, late nights hanging out with his brothers---even the unexpected storm that had cropped up last night was considerably less frightening when he was sandwiched between Roman and his father while they watched a movie together in the living room of the condo. 

But of all of the amazing things he’d discovered so far, easily the best one yet had been Kala. 

Kala was a girl. A beautiful, native Hawaiian girl. They met on the beach and immediately struck up a conversation. Dean found her fascinating. Kala was 15. She had never once left the island of Maui. Her family believed in many traditional Hawaiian values; in fact, they were the ones holding the traditional luau that the Girardi family was attending that night. Which was reason enough for Dean, and for once, the food was an added bonus.

That night, they walked down past the beach where the luau was in full swing. Dean found Kala immediately and she led him over to the food tables, where she   
proceeded to explain the Hawaiian cuisine.

Dean pointed to bowl that looked like salsa.

“That’s lomilomi,” said Kala. “It’s raw salted salmon mixed with tomatoes, sweet onions, and some other vegetables. It’s good.”

“Raw salmon? I’ll pass,” said Dean. “But this looks good.”

“That’s laulau,” Kala replied. “It’s pork wrapped in taro leaves and cooked slowly all day long. Try some.”

Dean did, and he thought it was delicious.

Kala walked him through the rest of the traditional Hawaiian dishes. Dean sampled most of it. The poi, a Hawaiian pudding, which you ate with your fingers. The chicken long rice soup. Hawaiian sweet potatoes. Kulolo and haupia cake. And that was all before the pig was uncovered and served. When Dean tasted THAT, he wondered if he’d died and gone to tropical paradise heaven. 

Dean spent most of the rest of the evening with his family, mainly because when Roman and Seth saw him talking to Kala, they began making kissy faces and pretended to swoon. But as they were leaving, he hung back, trying to find her so he could tell her good night. Instead, she found him.

“So...beach tomorrow?” Dean asked her shyly. Kala nodded.

“Are you surfing again?” Kala’s brown eyes seemed to be searching his blue ones.

“Yeah,” Dean had told her about Seth’s scare earlier that day. “Seth says he wants to try again and I know Roman and I want to. It was incredible.”

Kala smiled.

“I’ll bet you did amazing,” she whispered and before Dean even realized what was happening, he found himself leaning in...and kissing her on the lips.

The kiss lasted all of ten seconds, but Kala seemed okay with it. When Dean pulled back, he was in shock. Had he really just---yup. His very first kiss, and the girl was pretty, AND she didn’t run away.

“See you tomorrow, Dean,” Kala said happily. 

“Yeah...tomorrow,” Dean replied dreamily before turning to join his family. 

When he caught up, the teasing began immediately. 

“Ooooh, Kala!” Seth cried.

“Dean and Kala sittin’ in a tree,” Roman started in. 

Dean punched both of his brothers’ arms. 

“Shut up,” he said, but he didn’t deny it. He’d kissed a girl, dammit. She’d tasted like cherries. It lingered on his lips and he leaned back in his seat and sighed, halfheartedly enjoy his parents admonishing his brothers. His very first kiss. Hawaii DEFINITELY had its perks.


	38. The Crush

Roman wasn’t jealous of Dean exactly, but it did feel strange to realize that he hadn’t kissed a girl first. He was happy for his brother, but that didn’t exempt Dean from the teasing that was required when one of your siblings experienced something like that. So he and Seth mercilessly picked on their brother, who paid them no mind because he was clearly in shock. Later that night, after their parents had finally made them go to bed, Roman slipped into the room Dean and Seth were sharing.

“So what was it like?” Roman asked him. Dean grinned.

“It was...like...it was crazy, dude,” was all Dean could really say.

“Did you kiss her or did she kiss you?” Seth asked.

“I guess I kissed her but she definitely kissed me back,” came the reply. “It was really cool, guys. Like I don’t even know what came over me; I wasn’t planning on kissing her but we were talking and all of a sudden...I just had to.”

Roman laughed.

“What are you going to do when we have to go home?” 

Dean shook his head.

“I don’t know. I mean I like her. She’s cool. She’s fun to talk to. But I doubt she wants to come to Houston and as much as I love here, I don’t guess Mom and Dad will leave me. Is it wrong? To kiss a girl I can’t really start a relationship with?”

Roman considered this, searching for some brotherly advice, before he said,

“You know? I don’t think it is. I mean it would be wrong to like, string her along, but she knows as well as you do that you’re going home eventually. Doesn’t mean you can’t hang out while you’re here, though.”

Seth nodded.

“I agree with Roman,” he said. “Dean?”

“Yeah?” 

“What...what was it like?” Seth asked softly. 

“I don’t even know how to really describe it. I didn’t plan to do it; I honestly didn’t, but she said she thought I’d be really good at surfing and the next thing I knew, I just leaned forward and kissed her. It just felt right. And then it was kind of like fireworks going off in my head or something,” Dean grinned at his brothers. “You guys gotta try it sometime.”

The next morning, surfing resumed.

They had a different instructor this time, a young guy named Nohea. He was super laid back, and Roman immediately liked him. 

“Now you guys show me where you’re at so far,” he told the boys and Tony. “Just go to the furthest step you’re comfortable with and then ride on in.”

Dean went first, and in his attempt to show off for Kala, who was watching from aways away, he paddled out, turned, got to his feet, and then promptly wiped out. Nohea was laughing as the waves dragged Dean back in. 

“So you looked incredible until you actually were surfing. Get distracted?” The young Hawaiian gently teased.

Dean blushed.

“Want to go next?” Nohea asked Seth. Seth hesitated, then looked at Lily, who smiled. 

“You can do it,” she mouthed, and Seth smiled. Then he nodded.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll try,” he said.

Seth paddled out perfectly, found a great wave, and turned back towards the beach. Then he rode the wave back in on his belly. Roman could tell he was disappointed; he was shaking his head as the water carried him back. Once he returned to the group, Nohea placed a hand on his shoulder.

“You did everything right,” he said. “Did your confidence take a hit?”

“Yeah, yesterday...I wiped out bad,” Seth said and Nohea nodded.

“It’s okay. You and I will work on that today. No worries. You really do look good, Hoaloha.” Roman knew that was Hawaiian for friend.

Tony went next, and he wobbled a little but he managed to stand on his board and ride it in without falling off. The three boys and Lily clapped and cheered, and then it was Roman’s turn.

He was basically flawless and he knew it, and as he approached the beach he could hear his father shouting,

“That’s my boy!” 

Seth and Dean gathered around him, and even Nohea was impressed.

“That was excellent, Roman. Why don’t you, Dean, and your dad keep on practicing. I’m going to work with Seth here.”

After a few runs, Roman decided he’d like a break, so he left his surfboard with his mother and went for a walk down the beach. His mind was on Dean’s experience last night, and then it drifted to Megan. She was so shy, but they got along really well. She loved football and music, and she was a good student like he was. He liked her. He couldn’t deny that he had a crush on this girl, which was a strange feeling. Roman had considered her a friend since middle school, and he couldn’t peg when his feelings had begun to shift. 

The truth was, as far as looks went, Megan was cute and pretty. She wasn’t a supermodel, but Roman didn’t care about that. It seemed to him that looks probably weren’t the best reason to choose someone to date. In fact, that’s why he ignored most of the girls at school. They were all over him, sure, but he knew for a fact that the majority just liked him because they thought he was hot, and that to him wasn’t a good enough reason to date someone.

Megan was different. She didn’t act all fake, or clingy, or ridiculous. She laughed at his jokes, and she could make him laugh too. There was no doubt about it; Roman wanted to ask her out. He wondered if Megan wanted that too. 

As he was walking, he began picking up seashells. They were very different from the shells he and his brothers would find in Galveston. Those were mostly shades of brown and white. These shells were brilliant shades; reds, pinks, some blues, and even one that was purple. As Roman collected them, he had an idea. 

He made his way back to where his mother was sitting, watching intently as Dean surfed in perfectly, and when he did she clapped and shrieked. As Roman approached, he noticed it was Seth’s turn.

“How’s he been doing?” Roman asked Lily.

“Well, he’s been doing really well with Nohea. They’ve been surfing tandem. But he’s about to try it on his own again…” Roman could tell his mother was nervous. He handed her the purple shell. 

“This is for you,” he said, a bit clumsily.

“Aww...Ro, it’s beautiful! Where did you find a purple one?” Nerves momentarily forgotten, Lily wrapped her arms around her oldest. He rested his head on her shoulder as they watched Seth begin to paddle out.

“I walked down the beach. I found all these too. I’m going to make something out of them,” he said, as Seth caught a wave. 

“C’mon, bub...you can do it,” Lily murmured, her arms tightening around Roman. “You got this, baby. What are you going to make, kiddo?”

“You got it, Seth!” Roman yelled, watching Seth slowly get to his knees, before answering his mother.

“Remember when we talked about Megan Laird on the plane? I want to make her a necklace. For when I ask her out...YES!”

Roman’s musing about Megan was interrupted when he realized that Seth had gotten to his feet---and stayed that way. He was gonna do it; he was totally going to ride the wave all the way in. Roman pulled Lily up and they made their way over to the stretch of beach where Seth would land, when Lily put her hand on his shoulder.

“I think that’s a great idea, Ro. I think that’s very sweet of you.” Lily turned back to Seth, who’d just stumbled out of the water.

“That’s MY baby!” She shrieked as she hugged Seth tight. Dean tackled them both a moment later, then Tony and Roman joined the family hug. Seth, clearly stunned that he’d actually done it, was trembling a little, but it didn’t take long for a broad grin to break out on his face. 

“I’m proud of you, little bro,” Roman told him softly, and Seth hugged him. 

“I’m proud of all three of you,” Lily said. “And Daddy. I’m proud of Daddy, too.” 

They surfed until the lesson was over, and then they debated. 

“I think we should go back to the condo, have some lunch, rest, and decide what we’re going to do tonight,” Tony said, and Lily agreed.

The boys helped their parents get out meat and bread for sandwiches, fresh fruit, and pasta salad. 

“Okay, Roman,” Tony said once they sat down to eat. “What would you like to do on Monday? And Seth, you get to pick on Thursday.”

Roman was going to have to think about this, because there were so many things he wanted to do and see, but Seth had his answer in seconds.

“I want to swim with dolphins, and I want to go to the aquarium,” he said. “And also, I want to go to the Sensei Seafood Restaurant.”

Roman spoke up.

“I want to go there too, but for Monday, is there a way we can get to Oahu and hike up Diamond Head?”

Their father considered this.

“You know,” he said. “There’s a ferry that makes a trip from here to Honolulu…” 

“A ferry...a boat?” Dean asked.

“Yeah...you know, we could take the ferry to Honolulu, go hike Diamond Head on Monday, and then spend Tuesday at Waikiki before coming back Wednesday morning...we could get a couple of hotel rooms and stay a few nights...what do you think, Lu?”

“You had me at Waikiki,” Lily answered. “But let me suggest that we also take a trip to Pearl Harbor while we’re out there, come back Thursday morning, and do the aquarium and dolphins on Friday. Then we still have our entire last week to just loaf around Maui or whatever else anyone wants to do.”

Tony’s eyes lit up; Roman knew their father had always wanted to go to Pearl Harbor. This was shaping up to be a really fantastic week coming up. As he munched on his sandwich, he daydreamed about hiking extinct volcanoes and what the view from the ferry must look like, and what it would be like if Megan was there to do those things with him.


	39. Everything Isn't Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT? We made it to 150 kudos and 4,000 hits ON THE SAME DAY! Thank you everyone!

The whole week was incredible, and Lily felt so blessed. Her boys were having the time of their lives, which, as a mother, was one of the greatest things she could possibly experience. And her husband was also having a blast, which made her one happy wife as well. It didn’t seem like the excitement of Hawaii was ever going to end, and she knew they would definitely return one day. 

Lily really needed this vacation. She hadn’t really talked to Tony about it, but she was struggling with the idea of the boys moving on in a couple of years. She’d always be their mother, and she was fairly convinced that they would always be a close family no matter where the kids wound up. But she had to fight back tears at the idea of having an empty house again, and so she watched them as they enjoyed their vacation and knew she would hold these memories close. The smile on Roman’s face as he hiked up Diamond Head. The determination on Dean’s face as he continued to master surfing. The delight in Seth’s eyes as he swam with the dolphins, and the sadness but hope that she saw in all three of them when they visited a wildlife refuge and saw injured animals that were being primed for release back into the wild, and some that never would be able to. 

Then there was the twinkle in Tony’s eyes the whole entire time they were there, which reminded Lily very much of the man in his early 20’s that she fell in love with.  
There was nothing imperfect about this trip. Lily savored every second of it. The last week, they’d spent their mornings surfing, relaxing on the beach, swimming in the waves, building sand castles. They even entered a building contest together and won when Roman designed them a sand Shire. The prize was a $250 gift card to Lahaina Grill. They gleefully invited their parents out for dinner on them, and they even paid for the excess like big kids. Lily couldn’t believe it. Even the flights home were amazing, when she had a long involved conversation with her baby.

“Mama,” Seth began, “I’ve always wanted to go to college, and get a law degree, so that I can be in the FBI like Daddy.”

“I know,” Lily answered him, rubbing the back of his hand with her thumb. 

“But I don’t think I want to do that anymore,” he continued.

“No?”

“No. I want to work with animals, Mama. Not just dogs and cats. I want to work with wildlife that’s been hurt, and fix them, and return them back to where they belong. And I want to raise awareness about them too. Not necessarily in Hawaii but just...somewhere.”

“Seth, I think that’s wonderful. I think you’ll be amazing at whatever you put your mind to, bub, and Daddy and I will support you in whatever you decided to do. You’re going to have to do a senior service project. Why don’t you think about making this your project?”

Seth nodded and rested his head on her shoulder, and she made a mental note to file away that she needed to take him to the wildlife refuge in Corpus Christi sometime. 

Across the aisle, Dean and Tony were having a similarly grown up conversation, about where Dean wanted to take his bucket list trip. He’d been having trouble deciding, which was why they hadn’t actually gone anywhere yet.

“Dad? I know this isn’t a weekend trip or anything like that, but what I really want to do is go to Italy some time and see where Papa Angelo grew up…” Dean’s voice trailed off as he thought about his grandfather, and Lily watched Tony wrap an arm around his shoulder.

“I love that idea, Dean. I think that might make a good family trip, though, don’t you?”

Dean shrugged.

“I guess. Yeah, I guess.”

“What’s something you’d like to do just you and me?”

“I want to go to Normandy to see where D-Day took place.”

Tony seemed surprised at this.

“Really?” Tony asked. “That’s what you want to do?”

“Why not?” Dean wondered.

“Oh, no reason; I think it’s a really good idea. I just figured you’d want to go to Motocross races or something.”

“Oh...nah. I mean, I still love riding my bike but watching the races is getting kind of boring…”

“Know what, buddy?” Tony said, after thinking for a moment.

“What?” Dean answered.

“Fall break. You and I will go to Sicily and scout it out just the two of us, and then maybe spring break we can all go. What do you think about that?”

Dean’s face lit up like a Christmas tree and he flung his arms around his dad.

“I think that’s one of the best ideas ever,” he whispered, and Lily couldn’t help but smile.

Then she heard Roman telling Tony about his intentions of asking Megan out when school started, which segued back to Dean and Kala, how he was going to miss her, and how he would never ever forget her. They were having such grown up conversations and Lily wasn’t sure she liked it.

She didn’t want them to grow up, but growing up they were. Roman began his junior year that August, and Dean and Seth were sophomores. Dean had told his parents that he was thinking about going out for basketball. Even though he’d never played on a team before, he played at the community center every day and the coaches there all felt that he was definitely good enough to at least try out. Lily was thinking about this one Friday night as they piled into the stadium to watch Roman play football.

The other team was also from the Houston area, and they had a reputation for being large and mean, and for playing dirty. At first Lily was only half paying attention until she heard Dean yell,

“Make a call on that!”

She looked up and realized that one of the other team’s players had taken one of Creek Ridge’s players out by the knee. On purpose. Lily cringed, then found Roman.  
The sight of him offering a helping hand to his teammate flooded her with relief. But suddenly, a voice inside her told her she needed to pay closer attention to this game. 

At halftime, Creek Ridge was down by two touchdowns and they were also down another player, after one of the members of the opposing team kneed one of the Colts in the crotch. The other kid was thrown out of the game, but Lily felt uneasy. She felt Tony pat her shoulder, then watched as he offered the boys some cash to go down and get some junk food from the concession stand. Never one to miss out on nachos, Dean leaped to his feet and headed for the stairs but Seth held back.

“Everything isn’t okay,” he said to his parents.

“What do you mean, bub?” Lily asked.

“I can tell. Something...you’re worried about something.”

Lily sized him up. 

“Everything’s fine. I just don’t like the way the other team is playing, baby. That’s all. It’ll be better when the game starts back.”

Seth reluctantly joined Dean in the concession line.

When the game started back up, it seemed to be better. It even looked like Creek Ridge might rally for awhile. They scored another touchdown at the very start of second half. Dean and Seth leaped around waving their signs while Lily and Tony cheered. The team made it through the third quarter unscathed. 

As soon as the final quarter began, the two teams got into a battle for the ball. A player from the other team fumbled it, and it pretty much landed in Roman’s hands. He saw his opening and he ran for it, flying down the field and scoring the game-tying touchdown. No one on the field even saw him until it was far too late. Creek Ridge celebrated; the entire Girardi family was screaming, when Lily saw it out of the corner of her eye. 

“ROMAN!” She screamed. But her son couldn’t hear her over the noise in the stadium and Lily and Tony could only watch as a massive player barreled straight at their son. Roman’s head was turned to the side and there was just no way he could even see the kid coming, much less get out of the way in time. The boy tackled Roman high around the chest, landing on top of him and with so much force that as Roman’s head bounced off the ground, his helmet went flying off. At that same moment, the other kid’s knee flew up into Roman’s now unprotected skull. Whether that happened due to the force of the impact or on purpose Lily couldn’t say, but she flew to her feet. 

Roman wasn’t moving.

Suddenly, Lily stopped thinking and just started to react. 

_Get to him._

She barely heard Seth’s startled cry of “Mama?”

_Get to Roman._

She ran down the stadium steps, taking them two at a time.

_Help him._

Then she scaled the railing and within 30 seconds, she was on the field.

_Somebody help my baby._

She forced her way through the crowd surrounding her son.

_Please._

Lily felt hands restraining her, but she clawed at them, determined to get to Roman’s side, even as she heard quiet voices.

“She’s his mother.”

“Hey, hey. Let her go.”

“She’s a doctor; let her in.”

She dropped to her knees at Roman’s side. His eyes were closed and his body slack. A trainer was at his other side, assessing. 

“Ro?” Lily breathed.

Her son didn’t respond. Someone, Lily figured a medic, held his head, immobilizing his spine while another medic gently put a cervical collar around his neck. The trainer carefully opened Roman’s eye, and Lily realized with a pang that his pupil was the size of a dime, and there was a small trickle of blood running out of his ear. She was a doctor; she knew there could be several reasons for that, but only the worst ones found their way into her mind right then. 

“Roman,” she said, a little more forcefully.

Still no movement, except...had his face just twitched? It could’ve been her imagination, or perhaps a neurological thing, but she opted to try again anyway.

“Roman. I’m here. Open your eyes.”

Still not much of a reaction, but as she watched out of the corner of her eye the ambulance slowly crossing the field towards them, she swore she heard her baby moan slightly. So she made one more attempt.

“Roman Nicholas. It’s okay. Mama’s right here. Open your eyes, kiddo. Please.”

Another soft moan and then---Roman’s eyes opened. Just tiny slits, and another moan accompanied them. It lasted all of five seconds before he closed them again but---he had done it. He had responded. Relief washed over her as she realized that the paramedics had seen it too. Immediately, one of them began trying to engage him.

“Roman? I see those eyes. Good job. Roman? Open those eyes again. Come on.”

And Roman did, slightly wider this time, before groaning and closing them once more. This was good, Lily knew. 

As the medics loaded Roman into the ambulance, Lily turned towards the crowd, scanning for her boys. When her eyes landed on Tony, Dean, and Seth, she threw them a thumbs up---Roman was responsive. She had no idea what would happen next, but he had responded. That was the best possible sign.


	40. What Would Roman Do?

Tony, once again, was thankful for his Fed credentials and an Escalade with flashing lights.

The second the ambulance left the field with Roman and Lily inside, he’d gathered up Dean and Seth and they had raced to the car. Now they all sat silently as Tony drove, maybe faster than he’d ever driven before. The entire scene had been just horrific. When the other player, who was much bigger than Roman anyway---when his knee had driven into the side of Roman’s head---Tony could swear he’d heard the thud. He wanted to scream. Actually, what he REALLY wanted was to grab his gun and go show that asshole EXACTLY whose kid he had just messed with. He wouldn’t ever do that, of course, but oh, damn, how he wanted to.

The silence was broken by Seth.

“But...Dad? Mama gave us thumbs up so...so it can’t be THAT horrible. Right?”

“I don’t know, bub,” he answered. “You’re probably right. We’ll find out soon.”

What Tony didn’t say was that as far as he was concerned, until he knew different, all that thumbs up meant was that Roman was alive.

When they arrived at the Emergency Room Tony guided Seth and Dean to a group of chairs, then went to the desk.

“I’m here for Roman Girardi,” Tony said as nicely as he could under the circumstances. “I’m his father.” The nurse behind the counter was sympathetic.

“Your wife said you’d be here soon,” Morganne said gently. “Come on. I’ll take you to them.”

Tony grabbed some cash out of his wallet and offered it to the boys. 

“I’m going to go back with Roman and Mom. You guys go get something to drink okay? And then wait here? I’ll come out as soon as I know what’s going on.”

The boys nodded and headed off for the vending machines. Morganne led Tony through a set of doors and to a section that was curtained off. Morganne peeked around it. 

“Dr. Lara? Mr. Girardi is here.” Then Lily came into view and she waved him in. She looked...Tony couldn’t really peg her expression, actually. She looked pretty calm, but as he stepped into the sectional, he could see why. 

Roman’s eyes were open slightly and there were already bruises forming down the right side of his face and disappearing into his hairline. His lips were slightly parted, as though he was trying to speak but couldn’t form words. Although there wasn’t blood pouring out of his ear, Tony could clearly see where there had been some, and someone must have cleaned it up a little. Lily was holding his left hand. She was trying to stay in control for his sake.

“He’s about to go up for a CT of his head and an MRI of his neck. He was vomiting in the ambulance on the way here.

Tony wasn’t a doctor by any stretch, but he did know that throwing up with a head injury wasn’t a good thing at all. 

“So...that’s not so good, huh?” He tried to keep his voice low and calm, tried not to upset Roman but he was panicking on the inside.

“It...isn’t the best sign ever.” Lily’s voice was equally low and calm, but he could see by her eyes that she was freaking out.

“He was responsive on the way here, though. Not really speaking but following commands. He could move both feet and both hands at will, and THAT is a really good sign. When I first saw him take that hit I was just certain he’d broken his neck. But since he can move his extremities...that’s encouraging.”

Tony took his place on the other side of his son.

“Roman? Hey, buddy,” he said quietly, leaning over so he could see his son’s face. Roman moaned but didn’t speak.

“Can you squeeze my hand, bud?”

And he felt it. The squeeze wasn’t tight or strong but he felt it anyway, and he was reassured a little. So Roman couldn’t talk much, but he could comprehend. And if his neck wasn’t broken---that had to be something. Two doctors appeared in the sectioned off room.

“Dr. Girardi,” one began, then noticed Tony standing there.

“This is Roman’s father,” Lily introduced them. “Tony, this is Dr. Lara. She’s the ER physician on call tonight.”

“Pleased to meet you,” Dr. Lara said. “This is our neurology resident.”

“Roque Gartland,” the man stuck out his hand. “Here’s the plan.” Then he walked over to the bed and leaned over Roman.

“Roman? My name is Dr. Gartland. You doing okay?”

Roman groaned low in his throat, then managed to mutter,

“‘Kay.”

“I’m going to take you upstairs and we’re going to take some pictures of your head and your spine. It’s gonna be super easy; all you have to do is lie still and relax. We’re going to keep you warm and comfy and you don’t even have to move. We’re probably going to take about two hours running tests and one of your parents can stay with you. You’re going to stay at the hospital tonight so we can keep an eye on you and after we get the test results we’ll make a plan. Okay?” Tony immediately liked the way that Dr. Gartland addressed Roman, rather than the other adults in the room.

“Ya,” Roman managed to grunt.

“Okay. The nurses are going to get you ready and we’ll go up in about 5 minutes,” Dr. Gartland turned to Lily and Tony. “One of you can stay with him. Any takers?”

They looked at each other. Neither wanted to be away from their son, but both knew Dean and Seth needed them too.

“Tell you what,” Lily said slowly. “I’m going to get sweetie and bub, take them home, get them in comfy clothes, get some things for Roman, and then bring the boys back up. Maybe I’ll see if we can get a room at the Marriott across the street. Then they’ve got a decent place to sleep and you and I can take turns here. Sound good?”

“Sounds perfect, Mama.”

Lily leaned over Roman.

“Daddy’s going to stay with you, Ro. Okay kiddo? Mama’s going to go home and get you some nice clean clothes and a book and all of that and then I’ll be back. I love you, Roman.”

Roman squeezed on to his mother’s hand for a moment before whimpering.

“It’s gonna be okay, baby,” Lily crooned in his ear. “They’re gonna get you all better. All you have to do is rest. I’ll be here before you know it. Try and relax, baby. Everything’s fine.”

She gave Roman’s hand one more gentle squeeze and left the room.

Tony gazed down at his son.

“I love you, Roman. Hang in there. We’ll fix you up.”

As they walked up to neurology, Dr. Gartland spoke with Tony.

“It’s good that he’s breathing well and his pulse is strong. They tell me he took a pretty hard hit?”

“Yeah...twice. First he got knocked down so hard his helmet flew off, and then he got a knee to the side of the head. We saw the whole thing from the stands. His mama just took off down to the field. And his brothers were just...kind of frozen.”

“That’s scary. We’ll find out for sure soon what his brain looks like, but based on that description, the fact that he’s even moving sounds promising to me.” Dr. Gartland looked at Tony.

“I’m going to take good care of your son, sir. I can promise you that.”

“Thank you. Roman,” Tony leaned over his boy again. “I love you, son. I’m going to be waiting right outside while they take some pictures of your brain.” He   
smoothed Roman’s hair back from his forehead. “You’re doing great, buddy. Pretty soon you’ll be all done and then you’re going to feel better.” He gave Roman’s hand a soft squeeze, and could just feel Roman squeeze back, before the doors opened and they wheeled Roman away.

 

__________________________________

 

Dean thought he might be sick. 

When he saw Roman take that hit back at the football game, he was seconds away from tearing down to the field himself but then he realized his mother was already halfway there. He’d felt his father’s arm around him, watched as paramedics loaded Roman onto a stretcher and into the ambulance, and seen his mother flash them the high sign. Once the ambulance left, his father had hustled him and Seth down to the Escalade and they’d sped to the hospital.

Now, Dean was in his bedroom trying to get some clothes together but he felt like he was on autopilot. His mom had spent the drive home calling the hotel and getting them a room. Seth had asked why they needed one, when home was just 30 minutes away, but their mother had explained that it was easier to be near Roman. And who knew just exactly how long he’d be at the hospital? Which as far as Dean was concerned, meant she was anticipating bad things happening to Roman, and she wanted to be as close to him as possible.

Dean was terrified.

Shit like this wasn’t supposed to happen to Roman, who was larger than life, talented, and a legit leader on the team. He was good to everyone, and everyone liked him, and as far as big brothers went, could Dean have ever asked for better? Absolutely not. He was supposed to be strong and sturdy. Roman...Roman was supposed to live forever.

Stop it, Dean scolded himself silently. He was giving his brother a death sentence that odds are wasn’t even warranted. Dean finished packing and went looking for Seth.

His little brother wasn’t in his bedroom, so Dean went further down the hall, and there he found Seth sitting on Roman’s bed hugging their older brother’s pillow. Dean couldn’t really read the expression on his face, but he went to sit beside him. 

“Hey,” he said quietly. Seth didn’t look up.

“It smells like him,” he whispered into the pillow.

“Seth? It’s okay,” Dean wasn’t sure what was the right thing to say or do, but his brother was clearly terrified.

“Yeah...yeah,” Seth murmured. “It just...from the stands it looked really horrible…”

“I know. But Roman’s---do you know anyone tougher than Roman, Seth?”

Seth looked at him with a hint of adoration.

“Just you,” he whispered.

Dean froze. He’d never realized it before. Oh sure, his mother told him all the time that Seth idolized him because he was older but...he’d always brushed her off. But Seth had more or less just...well, that did it. Dean was a big brother too, dammit, and if his little brother needed comfort, then he was going to give it. Because that’s what Roman would do, and Roman was verifiably the best big brother on the planet. Dean wrapped an arm around Seth’s shoulders.

“Well, tough or not, I’m scared, too,” he whispered to his brother. “But we just...we gotta have faith in Rome right now, you know? He’s never let us down before. And think about it like this. Mama would never have left that hospital if he was in serious danger. Right?”

“That’s true…” Seth’s eyes looked hopeful. Dean patted him on the shoulder.

“Do you have everything you need?”

Seth nodded, then frowned.

“I don’t want to leave his pillow…”

“We can take his pillow. He’d probably like to have his own pillow. You think?”

Seth nodded again.

“Come on.” Dean stood and gently grabbed Seth by the elbow pulling him to his feet as well. “Let’s go let Mom know we’re ready.”

 

_________________________________

 

When they arrived back at the hospital, Roman was already in a room. Tony was at his side, holding his hand. Their mother had checked into the hotel across the street, and Seth might’ve stayed except Dean refused, and no chance was Seth staying there by himself. He was frightened, sad, and completely exhausted, but he went back to the hospital anyway. 

Roman was asleep, or maybe unconscious, Seth couldn’t tell, but he really didn’t look any better. He was pale. Bruises darkened on his right cheek, his hair a black halo around his head. It would tangle, Seth thought. Roman hated that. He wanted to tie it into a bun for his brother, but he was afraid to touch him. Luckily it was like their mother read Seth’s mind. She swooped in to Roman and kissed his forehead, murmuring words that Seth couldn’t hear as she did it. Then she pulled the hair tie out of her own hair and gently gathered Roman’s up. 

“So...anything?” Lily asked Tony quietly. Dad shook his head. 

“He JUST finished his MRI about 10 minutes ago. Dr. Gartland---that’s the neurologist---said it’d probably be an hour or so. They gave him some pain meds though.” 

“Oh, baby boy,” Lily murmured softly. “What are we gonna do with you, Ro? C’mere, Sethie.”

Seth scooted closer to his mom, til he realized what she wanted and balked. She gently took his hand anyway. 

“It’s okay; you can touch him. It’s good to touch him. It helps him know we’re here.”

“I don’t want to hurt him,” Seth whispered, looking up to notice that Dean was on Tony’s side of Roman’s bed holding their brother’s hand already.

“You won’t hurt him. You don’t have to do this, bub. But you won’t hurt him, baby boy.”

And Seth allowed his mother to gently place his hand over Roman’s chest. It felt funny at first, until she shifted him to the side slightly and then, Seth felt it. Roman’s heartbeat. It felt strong and defiant; as though it was meant just for Seth to feel, and to let him know that Roman was not giving up. Seth hung his head over his brother, and he felt his mama rubbing his back with one hand as she ran her fingers over Roman’s hair with the other.

“His heart feels good,” Seth said, not sure exactly how else to explain it.

“His pulse is very strong,” agreed Tony. “His heart is beating perfectly and his lungs are working perfectly, and those are both amazing, good signs. And Mama said he was able to move his hands and feet earlier.”

“Yeah, he sure did,” Lily said. “He almost kicked the paramedic in the---”

She was interrupted by a nurse at the door, but both Seth and Dean knew what she meant and they both giggled just a little. The nurse smiled as she went around and checked the monitor by Roman’s bed. 

“Looks good,” she said, and she smiled kindly at Seth, who didn’t realize he’d been clinging to his mother’s arm. He briefly wondered if there would ever come a time when total strangers didn’t make him want to crawl out of his skin, but the nurse’s smile was so gentle that he managed to relax just a tiny bit. He didn’t move his hand off Roman’s chest, but he let go of Lily. He focused instead on his oldest brother, head nodding a little as he fought off sleep. Seth didn’t realize it when Lily moved him slightly so that he was laying against Roman. He dozed off after a bit.


	41. Dean's Got Talent

Lily stroked Seth’s hair gently as her baby slept. She knew he was tired; it was well past midnight now and he hadn’t slept terribly well the night before. Seth seemed to be going through a rough patch; he’d go a couple of nights unable to fall asleep, then crash and sleep like the dead, then repeat. He didn’t seem to be having nightmares again. He never woke up terror stricken; often, Lily didn’t even know he’d struggled until she’d realize at the breakfast table that he was nodding off into his cereal.  
She startled back to reality when she heard Dr. Gartland tap on the door. 

“Hey, folks,” he said. “I’ve got Roman’s test results.”

Lily sat up straight, and Tony draped his arm around Dean protectively. As the doctor turned on the lamp on the wall and set up Roman’s spinal scans, she gently rubbed Seth’s back. Seth mumbled but didn’t wake up, so Lily opted to let him continue to sleep on his brother.

“Okay,” Dr. Gartland pointed to the spinal images up on the lamp. Lily was instantly relieved.

“Those look good!” 

“There are no fractures of any kind. His neck looks great. Now here,” he pointed to a darkish area, “appears to be some swelling and it looks like he might have a sprain. He’s going to be tender for awhile.”

“But his spinal cord is okay?” Tony wanted to know.

“Yes. There is no significant injury to his spine.” 

“Okay...what about his head?” Lily was more worried about that anyway.

A different set of scans appeared on the screen, and this set made Lily gasp. She pointed to an area that kind of looked like a half-circle. 

“Is that---?” She trailed off.

“This is the most bizarre simple skull fracture that I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Gartland.

“Wait---skull fracture? As in broken skull?” Tony sounded upset.

“Yes, but here’s the deal. A skull fracture can be simple, which is basically like a crack. It can be depressed, which means that the bones of the skull are pressing into the brain. Or it could be compound, which would mean the bones have broken the skin. When you first look at this fracture on the right side of Roman’s skull, you’d automatically think it’s depressed because of its shape. But there’s no actual depression; that’s just a very oddly shaped simple fracture.”

Lily’s hands continued to softly graze Seth’s back. She noticed Tony’s arm tighten around Dean. Both of them were wondering what the doctor wasn’t saying.

“By definition, because he lost consciousness, we can classify him as having a grade 3 concussion,” Dr. Garland went on. “We won’t know the severity until he’s awake and we can assess him. My guess is he’s going to be out of it for a few days.”

“Okay, but how do we fix this?” Tony finally asked.

“Unfortunately, there’s not a lot we can do for him except manage his pain and let him rest so he can heal. Eventually the fracture will seal on its own. While it’s healing don’t be surprised if he has cerebrospinal fluid leak from his ears or nose, unless it’s just excessive. Because the fluid can escape, he’s probably going to experience substantial pain for a few days, but like I said, we can manage that. It’s going to be imperative that he not sustain any more blows to the head.”

“What is a concussion?” Dean asked.

Dr. Gartland smiled at him.

“So your brain and spinal cord are surrounded by this stuff called cerebrospinal fluid. Its job is to cushion those things from bumps and bruises, because they’re very fragile. But when you hit your head really hard, the fluid can’t cushion your brain properly, and it kind of bounces around in your skull. So when we say someone has a concussion, it basically means that their brain is confused from the jolt that it took. How confused is determined by how hard the hit was. Since Roman was hit hard enough to actually break his skull, we’re going to assume that right now, his brain is pretty darn confused.”

“And since there’s a crack in his skull, that cere...cerebro...stuff, can get out, so it’s not going to cushion his brain right, and that’s going to hurt?” Dean continued. Dr. Gartland nodded.

“That’s exactly right. Which isn’t going to be a whole lot of fun for Roman, but the good news is, he should make a full recovery. Of course, his football season is over…”

“But...but he loves football,” said Dean softly. 

“I bet he does. But it’s really really important that his brain heals completely. If it gets hit again before it does, that’s going to make it worse.” Dr. Gartland patiently explained everything to Dean, who seemed to be absorbing it quietly.

“Then...the only thing to do is keep him calm and take care of him until he’s better,” Dean was resolute.

Dr. Gartland turned to Tony. 

“I like this guy,” he said with a grin.

“Yeah...he’s a keeper.” Tony smiled fondly at Dean. At that moment, Roman moaned loudly. Seth startled awake. 

“What? Did I hurt him? Mom?” Seth sputtered. 

“You didn’t hurt him,” Dr. Gartland said calmly. “I think he’s waking up.”

 

__________________________________

 

Pain seared through Roman. It started in his chest. He could breathe, but inhaling hurt. It spread up through his neck and into his head, which was a pounding, pulsing mess. What had happened? Where was he? Roman couldn’t remember. 

Where was his family? Where were Mom and Dad?

He tried to ask, but all that came out of him was a loud moan; his mouth wouldn’t move the way he wanted it to. God, his head hurt. A 10 for sure. He wanted his mother. He wanted his mother to make it go away. And then he heard a soothing voice.

“Ro? Baby, you’re okay. You’re gonna be just fine, kiddo.” 

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,” Roman tried to speak, but he knew all that came out was another moan.

“Shhhh…” Dad’s voice. “Relax, buddy. Just relax. It’s okay, Roman.”

Then he heard Dean.

“Rome? We’re all here, Rome. The doctor said you’re gonna be okay.”

Finally Seth.

“Hang in there, Roman.”

“You don’t need to talk,” Mama’s voice again, soft and gentle. God, he wanted her to hold him and make everything else go away. 

“Please,” Roman tried to beg, but he just couldn’t form the words. 

“Listen, kiddo. You’ve gotta relax,” he could hear Lily whisper softly into his ear. “I know it hurts, baby. They’re going to give you a little medicine to help. I don’t want you to do anything but take slow breaths.”

Roman tried, God knows he did, but the throbbing in his head made him want to scream and cry. He felt both of his hands being squeezed but he couldn’t tell who was holding them. He squeezed desperately back. It hurt. It hurt, it hurt, and then suddenly---he was floating. He felt nothing anymore. No pain, no gentle hands, not his mother’s soft kisses. Roman briefly wondered if he had died, and then blackness enveloped him.

The next time Roman was semi-aware, he could feel a heaviness beside him. He still wasn’t sure where he was, what had happened, or why his head was pulsing, but although the intensity of the throbbing was the same, the actual pain was considerably less. He could also sense that wherever he was, it was dark now. He let out a long sigh. Then he heard a familiar voice.

“Rome?” It was Dean. It was his brother. He tried to move, tried to speak. And this time, he managed to softly utter,

“Dean.”

“Yeah, it’s me.” Roman felt his brother take his hand and hold it.

“Mom and I are here,” he heard Dean say. Mama...Roman suddenly became aware of a soft touch on his face. Had it been there all along? He wasn’t sure, but he was certain that it was indeed his mother. 

“Mama…” he managed to mumble softly.

“I’m here, Ro,” confirmation came in the form of a tender voice near his ear. “Dean and I are right here. Daddy and Seth are sleeping but they’ll be back in a bit. Just rest.”

But Roman couldn’t just rest. He wanted to know where he was, what had happened, why his head felt like it was being squeezed by a vice. And why he couldn’t really move, and why his eyes wouldn’t open. 

“Mama,” he moaned again.

“It’s okay, kiddo. You’re okay. You’re gonna be just fine, baby.” Her voice soothed him, but he still couldn’t just rest. As time passed, Roman slowly became more aware. He heard a soft beeping. Then he felt a hand on his forehead and heard an unfamiliar female voice, along with his mother’s voice, conversing. But he couldn’t quite make out what they were saying. He tried to ask, but only a whimper came out.

“Shhhhh,” Mom’s voice again, soft and soothing. “Don’t try to talk too much. Everything’s fine, my love.”

“You’re gonna be okay, Rome,” Dean’s voice now. “You’re gonna stay in the hospital for a bit and then you’ll go home and soon you’ll be good as new.”

Hospital? Why? Had he wrecked his Jeep? What the hell had happened?

“Why?” Roman managed to groan. He felt Dean’s grip on his hand tighten.

“You got hurt...playing football,” Dean said softly.

And suddenly it all flooded back. The game. The crowd screaming, the fumble, running like Hell, and then...out of the corner of his eye...oh. Oh God. Roman felt panic rise up in his chest as he remembered. He heard the beeping come faster.

“Hey. Hey.” Mama’s voice. “Easy, Ro. Easy. Breathe, kiddo. Dean’s right. You’ve got some healing to do, kiddo, but you’re going to get better. We’re going to help you.”

Roman went still for a moment, trying to do as his mother said and simply breathe. He felt himself begin to relax, and then he heard a new voice, a man’s voice, a man he didn’t know. 

“Roman?” The voice was deep, but it wasn’t his father.

“My name is Dr. Gartland, Roman,” the voice said. “I’ve been taking care of you since you got to the hospital. I want you to try and open your eyes. Just relax and open your eyes for me.”

“You can do it, kiddo,” his mother’s voice softly cajoled. “Come on, Ro. Let me see those pretty grey eyes, baby.”

Roman wanted to do as she said, he really did, but it felt like his eyelashes were super glued together. He groaned a little and tried to focus and then suddenly...there she was. He could see his mother’s face, blurry, but definitely her. 

“Hello, there,” she said quietly.

“Mama,” Roman murmured again.

“Hi, baby,” Lily responded. “You’re such a good boy, kiddo. You’re gonna be just fine, my baby. I love you so much, Roman.” 

Then Dean came into view. Also blurry, but Roman could still tell he had a grin on his face.

“Hey, Rome,” he said.

And Roman did his best to smile back.

 

_________________________________

 

Dean felt relieved. Roman was sort of awake, sort of talking, and going to be okay. Maybe even better than okay. He and his mother spent the rest of the night watching over him while he slept. The next morning Dad and Seth came up to trade places, so Dean and Mom went down to get some breakfast. Dean stuffed himself with two waffles, a bunch of bacon, and a big bowl of fruit. Lily had coffee and a muffin. 

The plan had been to go to the hotel and rest for awhile, but Dean was too pent up to sleep. His mother passed out on the bed almost as soon as they got there, but he was in no mood to do the same, so he fired up his computer. He’d downloaded hundreds of photos from their Hawaii trip, and then he’d added the ones that Roman and Seth took as well. He kind of had an idea that maybe this Christmas, they could make their parents a photo book as a gift. There were a ton to sort through. Then while he was looking at them, he decided he may as well try and play with his photo editing software as well. He knew nothing about any of it, but soon was successfully creating something that maybe resembled art. His favorite so far was a photo he’d taken hanging out of the helicopter (his father had grabbed ahold of the back of his t-shirt) to shoot the lava running down to the ocean. When Dean discovered he could make the entire thing black and white except for the actual lava, he was hooked. He had no idea how long he’d been working on it, and he was startled when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“What are you doing, sweetie?” His mother’s soft voice came like a song in his ears.

“Just...looking. At all of our vacation photos. I wish we could go back, Mom,” Dean confided.

“I think we will. Probably sooner than you think. Daddy and I both agree that this was one of our best vacations. So much to do. Dean, who took these pictures?”

“Umm...well, I did a lot of them but some of them Roman and Seth took and sent me. Why?”

Lily didn’t say anything for awhile, just kept clicking through images, before she finally looked at him.

“You took these with your phone?” Dean’s mother asked, and he nodded.

“Yeah. I think the volcano ones are my favorites but then the dolphin ones are cool and then…” Dean took over the computer for a minute until he found what he was looking for, “I love this one of you and Dad.”

Lily drew in a sharp breath. It was a picture of her with Tony at the luau. She was looking at him smiling and he was looking back at her with such adoration in his eyes. Dean thought it really showed how much their parents loved each other, and when he looked at his mother’s face right then, he realized she saw it too.

“Dean...some of these are amazing. These are better than a lot of the pictures I took with my $1,000 camera…”

“Really?” Dean blushed and beamed at the same time.

“Really. You have a real aptitude for this, sweetie.”

“It’s fun, Mom.”

“I know; I agree, but this is more than just having fun, baby. I think you have a real eye for photography. Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“If Daddy and I got you a nice camera, would you like to learn how to use it? Maybe take a course? It’s too late for this year at school but the community center offers a photography class and I think there’s a photography class you could take next year as your art elective.”

Dean hadn’t given a single thought to this, but now that his mother mentioned it...it did sound kind of like a fun idea. 

“Yeah...yeah, I’d like that,” Dean grinned at his mom. 

“Can I upload these to my Mpix account? I’d like to order some for the house,” Lily smiled back at him.

“You would? Really, Mama?” Dean was excited now.

“Of course I would. You did an incredible job of capturing this family's memories, and I need to get some new pictures up, and a few of these are going on the Christmas card for sure.”

Dean figured if his heart got any bigger, it would explode. He always loved his parents praise, but for his mother to say that he was truly talented at something he didn’t even realize he was good at...it felt really good. Together, they kept looking, and then they came to a picture that made his mama squeal. 

The photo was of Roman, hair loose around his face. It was close up, but you could see the ocean in the background, and his head was turned to the side in a soft profile. The smile on his face was so relaxed and carefree. Dean could see why his mother loved it.

“Mama?”

“Yeah, sweetie?” Lily breathed.

“Are we ever going to see this side of Rome again?” This gave Lily pause.

“What?”

“What if...Mama, what if he’s not like him anymore?” Dean whispered. Lily sighed and hugged Dean tight.

“Listen, sweetheart,” she said. “You heard doctor Gartland. Head injuries...they take time, you know? And Roman’s recovery...it might not be easy. He’s still not with it enough for us to know what he’s going to need to get there. But he WILL get there; the doctor said so. And you were exactly right when you said that we’re just going to have to keep him quiet and give him what he needs to get better.”

“Yeah...I meant that,” he whispered.

“I know you did, Dean. You’re such a good brother. As long as we don’t give up on him, sweetie. As long as we don’t give up on him, no matter how difficult it gets, he’s going to get there.”

Dean sighed.

“I’m not used to seeing him like that. Not him. He’s never sick, he’s never hurt, he’s always...he’s always Roman.”

“He’s still Roman,” Lily said gently. “He’s just...Roman with an edge right now.”

“Roman with a hole in his head,” Dean muttered.

“Not a hole. A crack,” Lily corrected. “A crack that is going to heal. Slowly, but it’s going to.”

“What can Seth and I do to help him?” Dean wondered.

“You can be patient. You can do your best to understand. Remember how hard it used to be for him after he’d have to visit with Lisa? But you and Seth...you did exactly right. You can do it again, sweets.”

Dean nodded, and for awhile, he and his mom sat together quietly, ordering photo after photo from mpix.com. He noticed that she got the picture of Roman especially big, and he smiled. He wasn’t sure when he dozed off but he woke up with his head in his mother’s lap.

“Ready to go back up?” Lily smiled down into Dean’s eyes. He nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Daddy says Ro slept most of the morning. They’re keeping him pretty well medicated. He’s looking at at least one more night in the hospital.”

“Okay...can we stay here tonight?” Dean asked.

“Yeah. But you’re gonna try and really sleep. Got it?”

“Got it.”

When they crossed the street and went into the hospital, they got off the elevator on Roman’s floor and the first person Dean saw was Roman’s football coach. Ricardo Tarango was young, in his mid-20’s, but ever since taking over Creek Ridge’s football team four years prior, the Colts had pretty much been unstoppable. Behind Coach Tarango was most of the team, taking up almost the entire waiting area.

“Dr. Girardi,” Coach Tarango greeted Lily, and she hugged him. “I hear Roman is going to be okay?”

“It looks like Roman will make a full recovery,” Lily agreed, squeezing Dean’s hand. “He’s got a lot of healing to do.”

“Do you know if he’ll be able to play next year?” Coach asked, and Lily shook her head.

“That’s the hope, but it’s too early to tell.”

“I talked to the team,” Coach told them. “We’ve agreed to dedicate our season to Roman. He’s such a leader; it’s going to be rough without him, but we’re behind his recovery 100%. If there’s anything that you or he needs, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

“Coach?” Dean asked. “Did we win the game?”

Coach Tarango looked at Dean and sighed.

“Lost by a field goal, buddy. Wouldn’t have even come close if it hadn’t been for Roman though.”

Dean nodded, and then Lily and Coach Tarango bid each other goodbye and Lily guided Dean into Roman’s room. Roman had been moved to his left side and had a blanket tucked around him. Seth was curled up against Roman, listening to his iPad. And Tony was tapping away on his laptop. Lily laid her hand on the back of his neck as she entered and Tony looked up at her. Dean thought he looked tired.

“How’s he doing?” Lily asked softly.

“He’s been asleep the whole time you’ve been gone, save for about a 5 minute period where his meds wore off. Seth hugged on him until it kicked in again. Made me proud. Dean? Doing okay?”

Dean yawned, then muttered,

“Yeah. I’m good,” before joining his brothers on the bed. He wanted to be close to Roman right now. He wanted Roman to know that Dean was there for him, always, and that he was going to help him get better, whatever it took.


	42. Blessed Beyond Measure

Tony was researching brain injuries when Lily and Dean came back. This was a really dumb thing to do, but he did it anyway. It didn’t take long for Dean to fall asleep with his head on Roman’s side, and with Seth miles away in his world of music, Tony could finally speak freely to his wife.

“Lu...listen to this. Headaches, dizziness, anger, depression, exhaustion, disorientation, inability to sleep, nightmares, night terrors---and that’s the best case scenario,” Tony all but whined. This sounded awful. 

“Well...worst case scenario is death,” Lily pointed out. “Worse is a vegetative state and bad is paralysis…”

“When you put it that way…” Tony sighed, and Lily reached for his hand.

“I know the next few weeks are gonna suck,” she said quietly. “But we have to do what we can to make it easy on Roman. Dean and Seth too.”

“I know. You’re right. So what’s the attack plan, Mama?”

“Well, I think first we need to figure out our schedules. Has Dr. Gartland been by?”

“Yeah...he tried to talk to Roman but he was just too out of it still. Probably won’t be out of here until Monday, maybe tomorrow night.”

“I don’t want him alone at the house. Not for awhile. In case he falls or hits his head somehow. To be honest, he’ll probably want to spend most of the next two weeks either in bed or on the couch anyway. Moving around too much is just going to hurt.” Lily heaved a huge sigh. “I can’t postpone all those surgeries, T.”

“I’ll work from home,” Tony replied. “I can go up to the office on Fridays since you’re off. Monday and Thursday afternoons if I need to. We’ll make it work. How long do you think he’ll be out of school?”

“I don’t know,” Lily murmured. “I suppose it depends on how quickly he heals. We’ll just have to play that by ear. If we can get through the next few weeks, I can take a leave of absence again….”

“I hate for you to do that,” Tony looked pained. 

“That’s the beauty of a private practice though,” Lily said. “I CAN do that. Todd and Rene will cover my follow ups. And you’ve got a seminar at Quantico coming up, and I really don’t want you to back out of that. That’s a huge chunk of money and we’ve suddenly incurred an unexpected expense.”

“We’ve got the money,” Tony muttered, but truthfully, he didn’t want to back out of the seminar either. Dean and Seth would both be expecting and deserving of new cars within the year, and extra money was going into all three boys’ college accounts. He wanted to provide them with the whole world. But more than anything else, he wanted to fix his son. He didn’t realize there were tears in his eyes or that they began to fall until Lily put her computer down and wrapped him in a hug.

“It’s gonna be okay, Daddy,” Lily said quietly. “He’s going to make it through this, and it’s okay for you to be scared sometimes too…”

“I just...shit, Lu,” Tony whispered.

“I know. I know, babe,” she was rubbing his back now. Tony had no idea how Lily was holding it all together, but he was glad she was, because if she started to lose it, he was pretty sure he would completely fall apart.

“Listen, T. Tonight, I want you to take Dean and Seth out for a good meal and swim at the hotel and get a good night’s sleep. I’ll stay with Ro. Okay?”

“Yeah. That sounds good. I just hate leaving you alone…”

“She won’t be,” said a voice from the door. Tony and Lily both looked up in surprise to see Lily’s mother standing there.

“James had to stay in San Antonio, but after you called and told me about Roman’s accident, I thought you may need some help. How are our beautiful babies?”

Tony smiled. He looked down at his three sons, Seth now sound asleep as well, then up at his wife, who was smiling, to his mother-in-law, who selflessly came to help them out. And for the first time, he felt relieved. Maybe Lily was right; maybe everything would work out okay. As they explained to Ailis what they’d already worked out, she smiled.

“Then here is what I will do. I will stay this week, then go home, and then come back when Lily must go back to work and stay a couple more weeks. Perhaps by then, James can shift his schedule and join me.”

The tension in the room, which had been tangible up to that point, began to ebb away. 

Later that evening, Tony pried Dean and Seth away from Roman’s side and took them to Hard Rock. After the Cheesecake Factory, it was Dean’s favorite place. They ordered nachos and sodas, and then sat in silence, until finally Tony spoke.

“Hey, buddy, Mom said she thinks we need to buy you a camera,” he said to Dean.

Dean’s face lit up slightly. 

“Really? She really wants to?” Dean asked.

“Yeah, she showed me some of the pictures you took in Hawaii while you guys were sleeping. My favorite is the one with just the lava in color. We’re going to hang it in our bedroom, I think. You’re very artistic, bud. It’s a side of you I don’t think we’ve seen yet.”

Dean blushed. Seth grinned.

“Maybe you should get a camera, Dean,” he said. “Then you can take pictures of Sicily when you and Dad go, to show us when you get back.”

Dean stilled a moment, then looked at his Dad. 

“So...we’re still doing that?” 

“Well yeah. I mean, the tickets are paid for…” Tony was confused. “Don’t you want to go anymore?”

“Oh, I really want to go,” Dean replied. “But Roman…”

“The trip is six weeks away, buddy. Roman will be doing tons better by then. I’m going to work from home for two weeks so I can be with him, and then Mama is taking two weeks off so that she can stay with him while I go teach that seminar in Virginia, and then after that we’ll see. And I know you guys will step up for your brother, and with Nana here to help…we’re gonna make it.”

 

“When can Roman go home?” Seth asked anxiously. 

“Mom and I are pushing for tomorrow night,” Tony replied. “We aren’t sure though. Not sure when he can go back to school, or anything like that, but he’ll be comfier at   
home and that will help.” 

No one spoke for awhile as they ate their nachos in silence, until then Seth spoke up again.

“You know what’s sad, Daddy?”

“What’s that, bub?”

“Roman was supposed to take Megan to Fifth Quarter last night. It was going to be their first date.”

Fifth Quarter was a weekly dance that Creek Ridge High School hosted after every home game. They offered free non-alcoholic drinks and snacks, popular music, and a huge dance floor. It was a way for the students to be able to celebrate and have fun without any alcohol or drinking and driving involved. Roman usually went; as a member of the team it was pretty much expected, but he’d never taken a date before. Tony sighed.

“I know. But there’ll be plenty of dances for him, and I have a feeling this isn’t going to change the way he or Megan feels. I suspect there’ll still be a first date in the near future.”

“But Dad? What if Roman has to relearn like, how to walk and eat and stuff?” Seth continued to wonder.

“Buddy, for now, we’re not worried about that. Dr. Gartland says the most important thing is going to be to prevent him from hitting his head again, and to manage his pain. Right now he’s just...kind of got to sleep it off, but he should perk up. I don’t think walking and talking is going to be a huge problem once he gets past this part.”

“He’s like Rip Van Winkle,” Dean observed. “Or Sleeping Beauty.”

Tony laughed at this.

“I don’t think we probably ought to call him Sleeping Beauty. At least not in front of him,” he said, with a wink at his two youngest.

 

________________________________

 

Meanwhile, Lily and Nana sat on either side of Roman, who slept peacefully until his meds wore off, and then he’d cried from the pain. That was awful. Roman rarely cried, especially the older he got, but he’d seemed extremely disoriented as he wailed that it hurt. Lily cradled him on her lap while Nana found a nurse, who swiftly administered a new round of painkillers, and it hadn’t taken long for Roman to fall back into blissful sleep. Until then, though, nothing Lily did soothed him, and once he was asleep again, it was quite awhile before she was willing to let go of him. 

It was 7:15 when Lily got a text from Julie Laird.

_Megan was wondering how Roman is feeling, and whether he’s up for a visitor?_

Lily considered this. 

Truthfully, she didn’t think Roman would mind. And it’d probably be a couple of hours before he needed more pain meds. She just didn’t want Megan to come up expecting...well, honestly, Lily wasn’t quite sure what. She settled for full disclosure.

_You and Meg are welcome to come on up. Roman’s mostly just been sleeping, so he’s not going to make great company or anything but I think he’d like it if she was here._  
A few moments later, Julie responded:

_Great. We’ll be there in 20._

She’d gotten up then, figuring that while her son probably wouldn’t mind Megan visiting, she didn’t think he’d really appreciate her being allowed to see him snuggling with his Mommy.

When Julie and Megan arrived, Lily looked her over. Megan’s dark hair hung limply past her shoulders and she had bags under her eyes. She looked tired but more than that, she looked...worried.

My God, Lily thought. She really does care about him.

Lily relinquished her chair so that Megan could sit beside Roman’s bed, and she didn’t need to be told that she could take his hand. As they sat there in silence, Julie motioned Lily to come out to the hall.

“She’s been pretty much inconsolable since it happened,” Julie confided. “She’s really worried about him.”

“Aww, sweet girl...the neurologist is really encouraged, though. Said he pretty much just needs to sleep it off to start.”

Julie nodded. 

“Megan made him some chicken soup today. She wanted to do something for him and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that he really isn’t chicken soup kind of sick.”

“Eh. He’ll love it. That was sweet of her. I just feel bad that their first date got messed up.”

“I know,” Julie agreed. 

“Maybe...maybe this coming Friday you could bring Megan out to the house and we could hold like a mock Fifth Quarter. I don’t reckon Roman will be up for much dancing, but we could make punch and snacks and play music and all of that. Invite Roman’s brothers and Megan’s sister, and maybe just a few others. We’d have to keep it small, of course…”

“That’s an awesome idea!” Julie exclaimed. “I’ll help. We can decorate and that’ll be so fun for the kids. I shouldn’t tell you this, but...Megan has the biggest crush on Roman. She’s completely smitten.”

Lily laughed.

“Well, since we’re disclosing our children’s deepest feelings, Roman’s been wanting to ask Megan out since July.” Julie smiled too.

“He seems like such a good kid. All three of your boys do. Meg says Dean and Seth have never been anything but polite to her either.”

“Yeah...Tony and I are blessed beyond measure,” Lily smiled fondly. 

Just then, Megan appeared in the doorway of Roman’s room.

“Dr. G? Roman’s awake. He wants you…”


	43. Cranky Angel (Or Another One Bites the Dust)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnnnddddd...we're close enough to 4500 hits to celebrate! So yay, 4500 hits! Many continued thanks!

Roman woke up stiff and thirsty, and the room was too bright, and he was startled, though not unpleasantly, to see Megan sitting beside him. A million thoughts seemed to flow through his head, but he was too sore and woozy to sort them out, so instead he just forced out, 

“Mom…”

“She’s here. I’ll get her,” Megan squeezed his hand, then stood and a moment later, Lily was at his side. 

“Hey, kiddo,” she cooed.

“Need water,” Roman groaned, his voice sounding unfamiliar even to his own ears. 

Nana passed Lily a cup, and she slipped the straw between Roman’s lips. The water was cold and refreshing, and he drank until it was gone. It made him feel a little better, but oh, how his body ached. His head was beginning to throb again. He wanted to ask if they would dim the lights, but he couldn’t figure out how to make his mouth form the sentence.

“Mama,” he managed to groan again, squeezing his eyes shut tight. It was Megan who got it.

“Roman?” Her voice was uncertain. “Do you want the lights off?”

“Please,” he grunted out, happy that he was finally able to say something the way he wanted it.

“Oh, good call, Megan,” Roman heard Lily say, and the next thing he knew, there was darkness surrounding him. Immediately, the pressure in his head lessened and the throbbing slowed, and suddenly, he found he could think just a little more clearly.

“Better?” Lily asked quietly.

“Yeah,” he whispered.

“Can you show me your eyes?” 

Slowly, Roman complied, squinting, then opening them all the way. His mom had rested her elbows on his bed, arms crossed, and was staring at him, just a few inches from his face. He smiled when he saw her, and she leaned in to kiss his nose.

“I love you,” she said to him softly. Roman paused, pieced together what he wanted to say, and then whispered back,

“Love you, Mama.”

“Roman? Mom and I are gonna go. Can I come see you tomorrow?” Megan was at his side. He reached for her hand, and she gave it a squeeze. 

“Yes please,” he said. “Thank you. You came. Thank you.”

Megan’s smile was soft and genuine.

“Don’t think you’re getting out of our date that easy,” she gently teased him. “You get some time to rest but once you’re feeling better I’m holding you to it. Got it?”

Roman smiled.

“Got it,” he whispered. 

That night he dreamed about Megan.

 

________________________________________

 

Lily dozed off and on that night, until Roman woke up sobbing hysterically at 3 in the morning. Lily was perplexed. She knew that mood swings and depression were just part of having a head injury, but he’d been sleeping so well. After checking to make sure nothing was hurting him excessively (it wasn’t) and that he hadn’t had a bad dream (not that he could remember), Lily decided that the only thing to do was hold her baby. So she did; she crawled into Roman’s bed and wrapped him in her warmth. 

“What’s wrong?” Lily soothed softly, rubbing her hand over Roman’s hair.

“I-I-I don-don’t know,” Roman hiccupped and gasped, sobs wracking his body. 

“I j-jus-jus-just can’t st-stop cr-cr-cr-crying.”

“Okay...shh. Mama’s here. I’ve got you, kiddo. Shhhhh,” Lily murmured. It really didn’t seem to help, though.

“What’s wrong with me?” Roman moaned into her shoulder. Lily continued to hold her child, planting tender kisses on his forehead and stroking his hair.

“This is to be expected,” Lily murmured softly. “Remember, it’s going to take a little while before you really feel like yourself. In the meantime, you’re safe in my arms, Roman. I’m not going to let you go. Not until you’re ready. It’s okay.”

Before long, Roman slept again, but true to her word, she didn’t let go of him. On occasion, she’d get up to use the restroom, but other than that, she held her son all night.

 

______________________________________

 

On Sunday evening, Roman went home, much to the delight of Dean and Seth, who begged to be allowed to stay home from school on Monday so that they could help care for Roman. Their parents agreed, so on Monday, the three boys spent most of the day piled into their oldest brother’s bed watching ridiculous movies on Netflix. It wasn’t the same, Seth thought. Roman slept off and on the entire day, and didn’t really participate in their conversation. But that was okay. Everybody said that he’d need lots of rest, and rest is exactly what he did.

Their parents insisted they go to school on Tuesday, so they reluctantly got into the Highlander with Lily and she drove them on her way to work, or rather, Dean practiced driving. Seth thought he mostly did a really good job, as long as he remembered the speed limit. While he was driving, their mother broached the subject of cameras. 

“So since Nana is here too, she’s going to shop for groceries. What do you say after I pick you guys up, we go to Target and look at cameras?”

“Okay!” Dean, clearly happy, kept his eyes on the road but Seth could see him grin from ear to ear. 

“Mama, what’s for dinner tonight?” Seth asked.

“I think Nana is going to make shrimp creole,” Lily replied, “and then whatever I can get Ro to eat.”

“But he likes shrimp creole…” Seth was confused now.

“I know, but his head hurting has kind of upset his stomach, so I’m not sure he’ll want to eat anything spicy. Okay, guys, I love you. Have a good day and don’t forget to get your missed work from yesterday.”

Dean and Seth kissed their mother and got out of the car and went into the building.

Within 30 seconds, four people that Seth didn’t even know stopped him to ask how Roman was doing.

Now, their school wasn’t really that big. A private school, the elementary classes were restricted to 15 students per class, and there were slightly more permitted in highschool due to the variety of classes offered, but one of the biggest boasts Creek Ridge offered was a low student to teacher ratio. Roman’s graduating class had just 70 students; Seth and Dean’s was projected to have 80. Seth was quiet, kept to himself, and didn’t trust easily, though he got along with everyone. Even so, he wasn’t the picture of popularity, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about all of this newfound attention. He told everyone that Roman was resting at home, but by lunch, he kind of felt like it would be easier just to wear that on a sign around his neck.

It was overwhelming, and by the end of the day, Seth had never been more relieved to see the community center bus. Dean was late, and when he got on, his face was flushed and he was grumbling something about grouchy lit teachers. Seth started to ask what was wrong, but the look on Dean’s face made him think better of it. Originally, they’d planned to play basketball today; tryouts were in just a couple of weeks and Dean seemed serious about it, but upon their arrival at the center, Dean opted to go into the art room instead.

“Got a headache,” he muttered. “Don’t feel like running…” 

Seth had no interest in the art room, so he went on to the basketball courts, where he was immediately inundated once again with requests for updates on Roman’s condition.

It seemed he was going to get no peace today, so he resigned himself to simply answering their questions to the best of his ability. At least people cared, right?

When Lily arrived to pick them up, Seth had never been more happy to see her.

“Where’s your brother?” Their mother seemed surprised to only find Seth at the basketball court.

“He didn’t want to play,” Seth explained. “He said he was going to hang out in the art room.”

“Ahh. Will you go get him? I’m going to get some information on the photography class they offer. Is there anything you’re interested in trying after school, bub?”

“Umm...I don’t know. Is there a catalog or something that we could look at?”

“I’ll find out. Go get Dean, baby. There’s a Sonic drink out there with my name on it.” Seth smiled at this. He’d really missed his mother today; he found that every so often he’d just wish he could be home with her, even though now, he was so much better that he was able to cope anyway. 

“Dean?” Seth found his brother sitting on a big plushy chair, a drawing pad on his lap, and an arm draped over his face. “Dean? Are you awake?”

“Barely…” came the mottled reply.

“Well, Mom is here, so...hey. What did you draw?” Seth was incredulous.

It was Dean’s rendition of the photo of Roman he’d taken in Hawaii. Seth was amazed, first at the sheer wonderfulness of it, and second that his brother could draw something so detailed from memory; the photo wasn’t in front of him.

“Man, Dean, this is really incredible. Mom’s going to want to see this,” it was then that Seth noticed that Dean’s face was still flushed, his eyes were puffy and dull, and his neck looked swollen.

“Hey...you don’t look so good…” 

“I don’t feel so good.” Dean sat up slowly.

“C’mon. Let’s go find Mama. She’ll make it better.”

Seth and Dean approached Lily, who took one look at her middle child and immediately reached out to lay a hand on his forehead. Seth wondered if that was a universal mom thing. Nana did it too, to both her grandchildren AND her children. Lily felt Dean’s face for a moment, then pulled him into her arms. Dean did not resist, which was unusual in public.

“Dean, baby, you’re absolutely roasting. When did you start to not feel good?” Lily ran her fingers through Dean’s hair.

“Umm...kinda last night. Didn’t sleep too good,” Dean was still just leaning on their mother, which to Seth was an indicator that he really must feel lousy. 

“Why on Earth didn’t you say anything, sweetie? Oh, my poor baby. Oh, you should’ve been in bed all day, Dean.” Lily drew back and held Dean at arm’s length. Seth was surprised to see tears spring to his brother’s eyes.

“I know but Roman...I need to stay away from Roman.”

Lily hugged Dean again, then wrapped an arm around each of her sons. 

“Are you three ever going to understand that you are not responsible for taking care of each other? Come on. You’re going to the doctor right now.” 

She led them out to the Highlander, indicating that Seth should sit up front. 

“Come on. You can lay on the back seat. I think we’re going to have to run to Urgent Care.” Lily sighed. 

Seth watched out the window as the city went by while their mom drove, then he turned to her.

“Mama?”

“Yes, bub?”

“How is Roman today?” Seth had been wondering all afternoon.

“Cranky, according to Daddy. Nana says he’s been an angel all day. So good luck figuring that out. Sethie, will you please text Dad and tell him we’re taking Dean to the doctor, and have him check Roman’s temperature if he would?”

Seth nodded and did as he was asked, and was happy when a few moments later he received a response.

Jeez, first Roman, now Dean. Don’t be surprised if Mama wants to wrap you in a bubble, buddy. Roman’s temp is completely normal.

“Daddy says Roman’s temperature is fine and you’re probably going to wrap me in bubble wrap,” Seth relayed to his mother with a laugh.

Lily smiled too.

“Well...I don’t know about bubble wrap, but it sure would be nice to have my boys all healthy again. How about you, bub? You still doing okay?”

Seth nodded. He really wanted to talk to his mother about how his day had gone and let her calm his nerves, but now clearly wasn’t the time. So instead he looked back at Dean, who by this point was shivering violently. His eyes were closed and some of his honey-blond curls were hanging in his face.

“What do you think is wrong with Dean, Mama?” Seth questioned.

“I don’t know, baby. My guess is strep. That always seems to be going around. Did he mention anything hurting to you?”

Seth sighed.

“No,” he murmured. He didn’t miss his mother’s glance in his direction, but he didn’t say anything else. 

The Urgent Care office wasn’t too busy, so Dean and Seth sat and waited while their mom filled out papers. Dean continued to shiver. Seth wished he had a hoodie or something to offer his brother but it was Houston in late August, and both were wearing shorts and polo shirts. When Lily returned she sat down between them and let Dean lay his head on her lap. They only waited about five minutes before a nurse called them back.

An hour later they were on their way home. Dean did, in fact, have strep, which according to the doctor was highly contagious right now, so he wasn’t to go back to school until Friday at the earliest. He got a steroid shot and a Z-pack, and instructions to get lots of rest. On the way home, Lily looked at Seth and smiled. 

“I’d say that tomorrow Daddy and Nana are going to have their hands full...how about tomorrow night I pick you up and you and I go on a date?”

“A date?” 

“Yeah. Mom and bub date. We can go out to dinner just us two. You pick the restaurant.” 

Seth beamed; that sounded like a great idea to him.


	44. Mr. Mom

Tony was, in a word, tired.

By lunch time on Wednesday, he was beyond ready for Thursday, when Lily would only work half a day and then be home for the weekend. His oldest two boys were wearing him out.

Not that he wouldn’t have done absolutely anything for either one of them; let there be no doubt about that. And it DID help to have Ailis there. But Lily had always been the primary caregiver, and she’d always been there when the kids were sick. Tony was pretty much clueless, and it showed. How was he supposed to know that Dean liked a cold washcloth on the back of his neck when he had a fever, or that Roman turned into the pickiest eater of all time when he didn’t feel well? The kid loved sushi, for God’s sake. Was offering him pizza really so wrong?

Then there was the clingy issue. They were BOTH as clingy as sloths when they were sick. Dean was content to let his Nana love on him and coddle him, keep him tucked in and warm, feed him homemade soup, and sing to him til he slept. Roman was not. Roman only wanted Tony. Actually, what Roman really wanted was his mother, but since she wasn’t around, he settled for Tony. And he couldn’t just sit next to his son, either. Roman had to lay on top of him. It made him feel bad; he knew his son couldn’t help it, and as his head healed, it would get better. But Roman was experiencing intense mood swings, and Tony learned immediately that the easiest thing was to just let him sleep on him whenever he wanted to, because it kept him quiet. So much for working from home.

So yes, by noon on Wednesday, he was ready for the next day so he could hand them off to Lily and it could be her turn, which he knew was really unfair because in the first place, she took care of them all the time and in the second place, she stayed up with them all night Tuesday night so that he could get some sleep and have a break, and then she went to work without complaining, while here Tony was feeling sorry for himself. He almost would have felt bad---until the school called. 

“Seth has a temperature of 103.4,” the nurse said. “We’ll keep him here in the office until you can pick him up.”

Well shit. Now what? How did Lily DO this?

Going to get Seth himself wasn’t going to work unless he could figure out a way to carry Roman on his back, and sending Ailis for Seth wouldn’t be easy either since she wasn’t familiar with the area at all, but Lily going to get him was completely off the table, so finally, he decided the best option was to wake the beast.

“Roman?” Tony murmured as softly and gently as he could, rubbing his fingers down the back of his son’s neck the way he knew their mother did sometimes.

“Buddy, we have to go get Seth. You can come with me, or you can stay here and sleep…”

Roman groaned.

“Dad...where’s Mama?” 

“Still at work, buddy. But Seth has a high fever and we’ve got to pick him up. You can stay or come; it’s your choice, but I have to go get him, son.”

“Send Nana,” Roman’s voice had a definite whine to it.

“It’ll be faster if I do it; Seth needs to get to a doctor and Nana doesn’t know where to go. What do you want to do, bud?”

And Roman curled up into a small ball of misery and said nothing else. Tony sighed.

No, he had absolutely no idea how their mother did it, but he was sure going to figure out a way to express his gratitude.

When he arrived at Creek Ridge, Tony could see immediately that Seth felt horrible; it must’ve hit him fast and hard, because he’d looked just fine when he and Lily left that morning. His eyes were glassy, his skin was clammy, his face was flushed, and he violently shook. 

“What hurts, bud?” Tony asked him on the way to the doctor; it was earlier than Dean had gotten sick yesterday, and Dr. Enderle was going to work Seth in. This was a blessing, because Seth wouldn’t care for a stranger looking him over. Seth just shook his head.

“My head is pounding…” he whispered. Tony knew that was probably the fever.

“Your throat is okay?” Tony patted his arm. Seth nodded and closed his eyes.

Once they arrived at the doctor's office, Tony signed Seth in and then they sat next to each other. While they waited, Seth laid his head on Tony and didn’t move. Tony threw Ailis a text.

_Everyone doing okay at the fort?_

A few moments later, she responded.

_Dean is sleeping like an angel, and Roman is resting on the couch. There’s a movie on, but he’s listening more than watching. Everyone is good. Take care of the sweet little one._

Again, Tony wondered how Lily did it. More than once, the boys had all gotten sick at the same time, or within a day of each other, and Lily had to get them to doctors and all of that on her own. His reverence for her grew even more when, a moment later, Seth moaned,

“Daddy, I need a trash can.” 

Tony barely got one in front of him before he threw up. That sure got things moving faster, and they were called back into a room in less than 60 seconds. Dr. Enderle came in shortly after.

“You threw up a lot of mucous, Seth. Have you been stuffed up lately?”

Seth shook his head no. Tony didn’t recall him seeming stuffy lately.

“He’s got a high fever and he said his head hurts. He said his throat feels fine, he’s not coughing really, and he hadn’t complained of a stomachache before he got sick…”

Dr. Enderle felt Seth’s glands and listened to his chest.

“Where does your head hurt?” 

Seth pointed to his temples, then to his face.

“Ahh…” Dr. Enderle looked up Seth’s nose and then in his ears, and then looked over at Tony.

“Sinus infection. His sinuses are really red and inflamed. You feeling a lot of pressure, Seth?” 

Seth nodded.

“Yeah. Sometimes that crud builds up in there and it can’t get out so it becomes infected and spreads to other areas. Your ears don’t look too hot either. I think we need a shot of steroid and some antibiotics, lots of clear fluids, and get him some nasal saline. That’ll help get the nasty gunk out.” Dr. Enderle wrote some things down and excused himself. A nurse came in a few moments later and administered the shot.

“Seth, you’re not contagious or anything like,” she said, “but the doctor doesn’t want you back in school the rest of this week so you can rest and feel better. Think you can handle that?”

Seth nodded. Tony groaned. Three boys, three different maladies, three different sets of needs---how in GOD’S name did their mother do it?

 

________________________________

 

Lily was sitting at her desk reviewing her patient load for the next morning when her nurse, Cici, knocked on the door. 

“Dr. G? Tony called while you were in surgery. Marilyn asked me to give you this note.” Marilyn was one of the receptionists at the surgical center where Lily worked. The majority of the surgeries Lily performed took place there, though she did occasionally get contracted to one of the local hospitals. 

“Thanks, Cici,” she murmured, as Cici handed her the yellow piece of paper.

“Looks like Tony is having a time with those boys,” Cici winked as Lily read the note.

**SOS: Three boys down. Mayday, mayday!**

“The Hell?” Lily muttered, and Cici laughed. “When I took Seth to school this morning he was perfectly fine…”

“Maybe he caught the sympathy flu,” Cici said.

“Maybe…” Lily was already dialing Tony’s cell. They went back and forth for a few minutes before she hung up. 

“Well, now my baby’s got a sinus infection. On top of Dean’s strep, on top of Roman’s skull fracture. It’s a good thing my mother is there or I don’t think Tony would’ve made it.”

“Mr. Mom isn’t really his thing, huh?” Cici asked.

“Tony...Tony is a wonderful, amazing father,” Lily began, “and he loves those boys more than life itself. But he gets frustrated when he can’t fix things, and I know my boys. If I don’t miss my guess, they’re cranky and clingy and what they really want is me. So he’s probably about going nuts right now.”

“Aww...they’re such good boys, though,” Cici said. “I hate that they’re all sick. Tell Dean that I have a new card trick when he’s up for it.”

“I will. I’d better go rescue my husband,” Lily replied. Cici laughed again.

“Eh. You know, especially when you feel crappy, sometimes you just need Mama,” she said.

Cici really nailed that on the head.

The second Lily walked through the door, Roman draped himself onto her and wouldn’t let go. It might have been funny, except that it was so totally out of character for Roman, and plus, he now was a good five inches taller than his mother and weighed about 60 pounds more. Plus, he seemed disoriented. 

“Hey. Hey, you’re okay, kiddo,” she murmured calmly. “Let’s go sit down. I’ve got you. Where’s Daddy?”

“Dunno,” Roman mumbled into her neck, not quite willing to move.

“Ro. I mean it. Let’s walk to the living room. What about Nana?”

“Dunno,” Roman mumbled again, but he allowed his mother to lead him to the sofa and when she sat down, he curled up on top of her. 

“Roman,” Lily began, trying to shift his weight.

“Don’t let go,” Roman whimpered. Lily sighed. It was going to be a long night.

She managed to coax her son onto the sofa next to her, and then she cradled his upper body in her arms and talked to him softly.

“Rough day, kiddo?” Lily soothed, brushing Roman’s hair back off of his face. He nodded.

“I hate this, Mom,” he whispered. “I hate the way this makes me feel.”

“How DO you feel?” Lily asked him quietly.

“It’s like...the stupidest stuff upsets me. I don’t mean to act like a brat, but suddenly I can’t make myself stop. The only way to make it quit is to sleep. But I can only sleep so much. I’m always either angry or sad or frustrated...and it’s all dumb stuff. I want to be me again, Mama,” Roman’s eyes filled with tears.

“See? This is what I mean! I don’t even WANT to cry right now but I can’t make it stop…”

Lily snuggled him closer to her.

“Listen. I can see where this would be frustrating, but it’s temporary. And I know that doesn’t necessarily help right now, but it is, Ro. It’s temporary. And it’s okay. Daddy and I understand. Your brain is injured, baby. It’s like if you broke your leg. What would you do?”

“I guess…” Roman thought for a minute. “I guess I’d get a cast put on and not use it until it healed.”

“Exactly. Except you can’t not use your brain, so it can’t heal as quickly. It takes time, baby boy. Time and patience. And I know patience is a tough virtue for a 16 year old boy to posess. You can do it though. Wanna ask Megan over tomorrow after school?”

Roman nodded, then paused.

“Can she be around Dean and Seth?”

“You know, I wouldn’t encourage her to like kiss Dean on the lips or anything, but I think it’ll probably be okay. He’s been on antibiotics now for 24 hours and that dramatically decreases the likelihood that he’ll pass it on. Seth isn’t contagious anyway and by then he’ll have been on his meds for 24 hours too.”

Roman smiled then, a smile Lily hadn’t seen in awhile. 

“Here. I want you to rest and I’ll get you your phone, and you text her and see what she says. I’m going to check on your brothers, and then I’ll come back and we can discuss. You hungry?”

“Yeah...I am…” 

“Anything sound good?”

“Nana made an enormous pot of chicken soup today.” 

“Okay. How about some toast and fruit with that?”

Roman hesitated, then nodded. Lily kissed his forehead, handed him his phone, and then got up to go check on Dean.

Nana was in his room tucking his blankets around him when Lily went in, and he appeared to be asleep. She rubbed her hand over his spine, but he didn’t stir. Lily smiled at her mother.

“Thank you for being here,” she murmured. Ailis smiled.

“You are welcome. This one has been so good, Lily. He’s slept and drank a lot of Gatorade, and now he’s been napping for about an hour or so.”

“Has he eaten?” Lily asked.

“His throat is very sore today. He had a little soup earlier. He tried to eat toast but that was too scratchy. We’ve mainly focused on fluids.”

“Good. We’ll let him sleep and then see if he wants more soup later on.”

Finally, Lily moved on to her baby’s room. Seth was curled in a ball on his bed, and Tony was stretched out behind him, reading aloud from one of his books.

“Mama,” he whimpered when he saw her.

“Hi, bub. You too, huh?” She pulled Seth into her arms and rocked him just a little. 

“My poor sick babies,” she murmured. “It’s all going to be okay now. Do you want some soup, Seth? Roman’s going to have some.”

Seth nodded, and Lily laid him back in his bed and covered him up. 

“You keep reading with Daddy, sweet boy, and I’m going to fix supper. I’ll let you know when it’s ready.”

Lily fixed their dinner. Two bowls of soup, two plates of toast, some cut up strawberries and pineapple. Poor Seth was still fighting the chills, and he had a hard time getting his spoon into his mouth at first. Roman ate quietly. Then out of the blue, he said,

“Megan said she’ll come out tomorrow, Mom.”

“Yeah? Good. Do you want me to get anything special at the grocery store to drink or snack on or whatever?” Lily asked him. Roman blushed. Seth, who’d finally gotten his spoon to cooperate, started teasing.

“Ooooh, Robad’s got a girlfred!”

Lily looked at Seth. 

“Quiet, you. Ignore him, Ro, and tell me. I can run by Target on the way home tomorrow.”

“I want to make more soup,” Nana interjected. “I’d be happy to pick up anything you would like, mo chroi.”

Seeing Roman blush a little made Lily smile to herself. 

“Would you maybe get some more fresh fruit? And can we make that fruit dip, you know the one with the marshmallow mixed with cream cheese? Please?” 

“Cad I hab sobe too?” Seth’s voice came out of nowhere. He was so congested all of a sudden; Lily hoped that meant his gunked up sinuses were starting to drain.

“Of course,” she replied. “In your own room, so Roman and Megan can have some privacy in the living room. And now, you need to go start a really hot shower and breathe some steam, bub. You sound horrid.” 

Seth nodded and moved to get up, then rounded the table and hugged his mother.

“Baba? I love Daddy, but I’b glad you’re hobe,” he said, before leaving the kitchen. 

“I’m glad you’re home too,” Tony said with a laugh. “They gave me a run for my money today.”

“That’s our job, Dad,” said Roman, and Lily and Tony both chuckled. 

“That’s right; at least your two weeks at home aren’t going to be boring,” Lily murmured. “Feel okay, Ro?”

“Right now I do,” he replied, though they both knew that was apt to change at any moment.

“Why don’t you go shower in our bathroom, kiddo. I’m going to peek in on Dean.”


	45. Improvements

Dean’s throat hurt so bad that tears stung his eyes. Breathing was difficult, eating was out of the question, and even simply swallowing normally brought about miserable pain. So he was grateful when his mother appeared at his side. He was even more grateful when all he had to do was let out a quiet whimper and his mom seemed to understand.

“It’s okay, sweetie,” Dean felt his mom’s hand run down his back and he relaxed against her touch. 

“Let’s go out to the kitchen, okay? I’m going to warm you up some honey and lemon, and Nana has something she thinks might help.”

She helped him up and to the kitchen. Nana applied warm eucalyptus oil to his throat area, and then wrapped it in a warm towel. Meanwhile, Mama began to rub his back again. 

“Think you can try and eat?” Lily murmured. Dean shook his head; the thought alone was awful. 

“How about to drink? We’ve got lots of Gatorade…” Dean shook his head again. 

“A popsicle?” That didn’t really sound better, and Dean continued to silently decline.

“Maybe something warmer? Tea?” Dean still declined. Nothing sounded good or soothing, not even plain water. Then he heard the blender.

He looked up to his mama throwing kiwis, strawberries, blueberries, and some pineapple in the blender with yogurt. Ahhhh….a smoothie. A smoothie sounded   
amazing. He wasn’t sure if it was the liquid Tylenol his mother made him drink, the eucalyptus oil, or some combination of the two, but the pain was beginning to lessen. 

“Dean, have you eaten anything today?” Lily was pouring the smoothie into a cup, and Dean shook his head, then nodded, then shrugged.

Nana took pity on him.

“He tried some soup earlier but only managed to drink some broth.”

Mom placed the cup in front of him on the table and he took a sip. It tasted amazing and his stomach rumbled; he did feel hungry, but swallowing hurt so bad. While he drank, his mother resumed rubbing his back. 

“Good boy,” she murmured as Dean sipped. “Can’t have you getting dehydrated, sweetie. Drink that all down.” 

And Dean did, and he found that with something in his stomach, he felt a tiny bit better.

A shower did wonders for him too. The warm water loosened his aching muscles and the steam calmed his throat. As he washed his hair, Dean thought back to a time when he’d been sick as a younger child. Shelby had tossed him on the couch with a blanket and told him to sleep it off. There’d been no love, no comfort, no gentle snuggles wrapped in a warm blanket, and certainly no homemade smoothies. The thought actually made Dean smile a little, remembering where he’d come from and how far he’d gone since then. Even though he was sick right now, his life was damn good, and he was so happy that sometimes it didn’t even seem real.

When he was finished, he joined his family feeling half human again. Roman was laying across their Dad’s lap and Seth was curled up against Nana, her fingers softly stroking his curls. That left a space with Mama in the recliner, which Dean happily took, and together they watched Jurassic Park. His mother’s arms were warm, and she pulled a blanket over them. Dean was comfy, cozy, safe, and happy. Even as miserable as he felt, he was still wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else right then.

 

________________________________

 

Seth hated being stuffed up. If he laid down, he couldn’t breathe. If he sat up, his head began to pound. Mouth breathing dried his tongue and lips up. And it made him talk funny. Luckily nobody seemed to mind.

After Jurassic Park ended, he’d found himself tucked into bed. He snuggled up under his blankets and tried to watch another movie on his iPad until he fell asleep, but sleep just wouldn’t come. This was not fun at all; he wondered how Dean and Roman were faring, and he considered going to see if he could sleep with one of them, but he just didn’t feel like moving. It wasn’t long before the chills came back. He looked at his clock; it was 10:45. His parents were probably in bed. Seth thought about going to them and crawling into his mom’s arms, but he wasn’t a baby. And if he wanted his parents to treat him more like a grown up, he needed to act more like one, right?

He was miserable, though. 

Then he heard his father’s voice.

“You awake, bub?”

“Yeah.”

“Can I turn on the light?”

“Okay.”

Tony came into Seth’s room with a small medicine cup in hand.

“Sit up, buddy. I want you to drink this okay?”

“What is it?” Seth asked, too ill to be suspicious. 

“Nyquil. It’ll help you sleep, bud.”

“Okay.”

It tasted terrible, but Seth didn’t really care at that point. Jeez. He’d felt a bit better earlier, after a shower and some food, and then relaxing on the couch with his family. But it had all come back with a vengeance. He was barely aware of his mother entering the room until he felt a cool hand on his forehead.

“Fever’s back, huh?” Seth heard her voice.

“Yeah, he’s shaking again. Want me to get the thermometer?” 

“Sure. Aww, bub. I’m so sorry you don’t feel good. Here. I want you to drink some of this okay?” Seth felt a straw gently placed into his mouth and then tasted cool water. 

“Baba?” 

“Yeah?”

“This is doe fud.”

“I bet it sure isn’t,” Lily stroked his cheek. “I brought the vaporizer. We’re gonna try to steam your room up and see if that helps. And the medicine should kick in. It’s gonna make you sleepy, baby.” 

Lily stood and plugged in the vaporizer, and soon Seth was surrounded by warm steam. Then he felt his bed dip as his mother sat down and gathered him into her arms. 

“I’m going to hold you kind of upright for a little while, okay? It’ll help you breathe a little easier. Everything will drain soon.”

Seth snuggled close, and it didn’t take long for his eyelids to grow heavy. Soon enough he was sound asleep, cozy as could be against his mother, wrapped in a blanket. He felt so well taken care of.

 

______________________________

 

The days turned into weeks, which turned into a month, and Roman felt like his recovery was moving slower than molasses. His brothers had long since gotten better and gone back to school, and his mother took her leave from work. It was nice that she was there to stop what she was doing any time Roman needed to have a meltdown, but the truth was he just hated it. Just hated the whole situation. He wanted to go back to school, he wanted to play football and work out or even just go for a run, but he was having trouble with balance. 

He’d trip over his own feet, and if he was carrying any type of weight at all, it was worse. That was on the list of things he and his mom wrote when they were deciding what to discuss with his principal, teachers, and the school nurse. They were having a meeting to determine what, if any, special accommodations Roman would need when he returned. Other questions included what the plan would be if he needed to excuse himself from class, and what he could take in place of his athletics requirement, since football was off the table.

What Roman wanted most was to be able to play again, but that was completely out of the question. Normally, his seventh hour of the day was the beginning of practice in the fall semester, and then he ran track to fulfill the requirement in the spring. Roman wasn’t particularly fast for distance, but he did like to run and he was hoping by January he’d be cleared for it. Not being allowed to do any of his normal things frustrated him to no end. It just wasn't anywhere close to what he was used to. He'd watch his brothers and his dad play ball or wrestle, knowing full well he couldn't participate, and that usually was good for anger that Roman just couldn't control and normally never felt. It would surge up into his head, red and hot, and the unfamiliarity of it scared him a little. Often, his family just let him be, but if it got bad enough, if he lost his temper completely...he threw a glass once, and while his mother was patient, she was also very firm and a little angry. He hated himself for awhile after that. To say the whole ordeal was taking a toll on his mental health was an understatement.

He’d still get a wicked migraine every few days, and he’d have dizzy spells frequently, but overall he was feeling much better physically. There were a few things he credited this to. 

First of all, he’d started physical and occupational therapy about two weeks after his head injury and he had greatly benefited from it. It was mainly a way to help him keep some muscle since he couldn’t really work out the way he was used to, but it felt really good and Roman usually felt less moody afterwards. 

Then, there was his family. All of them had taken their share of turns hanging out with him when he’d needed it, They’d been caring and supportive, never taking his moody outbursts personally. Instead, his brothers shared with him stories from their day, while Dean would sit and draw and Seth would lay at the foot of Roman’s bed and stare adoringly at his older brother. It was hard for Roman to read the small print in most of their books, so Seth would often read to them instead. Roman had done a good job of keeping up with his school work, and Seth enjoyed what he called pre-reading, reading things that he’d likely be assigned next year himself.

His parents were incredible. Lily learned to channel a mood swing and was often able to cut it off, and Tony took him for long rides around the property in the golf cart since he wasn’t really able to hike like they normally would. Roman had to admit, he did enjoy being home with his mother. They’d work on his assignments, or hang out and just talk. Lots of days, he’d help her do things like fold laundry, which helped his motor skills. Occasionally, Lily would comment on how much she got done around the house when she didn’t have to go in to work; it made Roman wonder if she didn’t sometimes wish she didn't have a job.

And then, there was Megan. 

Megan came out to see Roman a couple of times a week, and as he improved, she also asked his mother’s permission to take him on short, simple outings. Lily, just glad Roman was willing to get out of bed, of course always said yes. He wasn’t allowed to drive, but Megan had a green Ford Escape and she was happy to drive. The first place they went was Sonic one afternoon after school. Roman had insisted he’d pay, so they’d gotten drinks and shared an order of mozzarella sticks. A couple of times, they’d go to a park and just sit quietly together. Roman longed to offer to push her on the swings; he thought that might be romantic (though he had no real concept of romance). Since he couldn’t do that yet, instead he’d laid down with his head on her lap and they sat in silence, enjoying the breeze and watching kids play.

One Friday evening, Megan came over after dark, and said she had a surprise. His parents clearly knew the destination and were fine with it, so he obliged without hesitation, and his curiosity piqued when he realized they were leaving the city. Eventually they parked in a field, and then they stretched out on the hood of the car. Megan pointed out constellations and that night, for the very first time since he’d been in the hospital (and he’d been too sick to remember clearly, so he wasn’t counting that) he took her hand and held it for hours as they gazed up at the sky together.

What Roman wanted most was to take her on a real, traditional date. But to be honest, he just didn’t quite trust himself yet in a public place. If Megan minded, she never once let on.

Six weeks after the accident, Roman went back to school. The timing was perfect; they were just two weeks away from a week-long fall break, so he’d go back and then have a chance to regroup. Nana returned with Granddad in tow, but Lily stayed off work. Her reasoning was that she’d already planned to take a week off with Roman and Seth while Dean and Tony were in Sicily, so it didn’t seem to make much sense to go back for just two weeks. Roman suspected, however, that she wanted to make sure she could be available for him if he needed her, and that made him feel so happy and loved that he was barely nervous about returning.

His teachers had all agreed to let Roman have an extra text book for each class to keep one at home so that he didn’t have to carry books, and he opted to just take a study hall for his last period. Everything was lining up nicely.

That Monday morning, he sat up front with his mom while Seth and Dean chatted excitedly in the backseat. His hands were shaking. Lily must’ve noticed, because she reached over and squeezed them. Roman immediately relaxed. When they got to school she parked, then turned to him.

“Now remember; if you need me to come get you,” Lily began, but Roman rested his hand on her arm.

“Mom. I think I’ll be fine,” he said, then he leaned forward to hug her.

“Thank you. For everything,” Roman whispered. “I love you, Mommy.”

He felt Lily return the hug, heard her murmur a soft response into his ear, and then he got out of the car with his brothers. He was ready. He could do this.


	46. Always Her Babies

Lily was so proud of Roman.

In the two weeks since he’d returned to school, they’d had to call her just twice. The first time he got a miserable migraine shortly after third period began; he’d excused himself and gone to the nurse, who’d given him a pill, but it didn’t help. By the time Lily got there, he was crying and shivering, and then he threw up. She took him home, held and soothed him in his cool, dark bedroom, and by supper he felt considerably better; he’d even eaten some of the ham, green beans, and potatoes that Nana had prepared, and he insisted he could go back the next day. Lily was reluctant to send him, but she did anyway and he made it through the day tired but basically just fine.

The second time, he’d lost his balance. He didn’t fall; between Megan, his locker, and his friend Jeremiah, they’d managed to keep him upright. However, it flustered him so much that he couldn’t recover and he began to shake, which led to panic, which led to Megan calmly leading him to the office. He was hugging his knees crying when his mother arrived, but to Lily’s surprise, after she hugged him and let him get it out, he decided he wanted to continue his day. They calmly discussed it together, and in the end, Lily agreed.

“I’m going to Target; I can be back up here in less than 10 minutes,” she told him, and he gave her a shaky smile. 

He also attended a home football game. It was Homecoming, and he wanted to take Megan to the dance, but since he couldn’t, Lily had suggested they make a night of it instead. So the Laird’s met the Girardi’s at the stadium. Dean and Seth made their customary signs. Seth’s simply said ‘Roman is our King.’ Dean drew a picture of Roman on his, and the likeness was amazing. After they game, they all went back to their house and got plenty of pizza, and then Tony moved the coffee table in the living room so Roman could ask Megan to dance. While all of this was going on, Lily realized that Seth and Megan’s sister, Katie, kept stealing glances at each other. Her heart skipped a beat.

Lily worried that, given Seth’s history of abuse, he’d never be able to form a romantic or long-term relationship with anyone; up to this point, he’d shown zero interest in girls whatsoever. She wasn’t sure what to make of it, but decided to keep quiet and see how things went.

And then there was Dean. Lily and Tony had decided they really wanted to nurture his artistic ability. His drawings were really incredible, and Lily never missed an opportunity to praise Dean’s creative side; she was crafty herself, but she’d never been much of a drawer. So a week before he and Tony went to Sicily, Lily headed to Target. She had a promise to fulfill. 

“Sweetie? Come here!” Lily called, upon returning home with a brand new Canon Rebel T5i. It had been pricey, but something told her that photography wasn’t just a phase for her son. She and Tony looked at it as an investment; even if Dean had no desire to become a professional photographer, this was still a hobby that he enjoyed and excelled at and that was really important. 

“Yeah, Mom?” Dean started to say something else as he entered the kitchen, but stopped short when he saw the box on the table. For a moment, he and Lily just stared at each other, Lily smiling at her baby.

“Really?” Dean whispered.

“Of course,” Lily replied. 

She could tell her son could hardly believe it; his hands flew to his face and his mouth was wide.

“Can...can I open it?”

“Sweetie, it’s YOURS. Go right ahead,” Lily offered a hug, which Dean happily accepted, before carefully cutting open the box. 

She showed him some of the features, and then gave him a book on how to use his new toy. When he was ready to try it out, he looked at his mother almost shyly.

“I know what picture I want to take first,” he said.

“Oh yeah? What picture?” Lily asked him.

“Does this thing do selfies?”

Lily laughed.

“Only one way to find out, sweetie.”

With that, Dean leaned in close, turned the camera around, and at the last minute, pressed a kiss to his mother’s cheek. When they turned it around, they were both delighted to see that it was actually pretty perfect. Lily looked at her son with fond adoration.

“Yup. That’s a keeper,” she said.

 

__________________________________

 

The morning Dean and Tony left for Italy, Tony beamed with pride. Dean could’ve gone anywhere, but he wanted to go see where his grandfather grew up. It made him so happy; to him, it was like Dean wanted to see where he came from, as though the adoption didn’t matter. That boy may not have had a drop of Italian blood in his body, but as far as he was concerned, he was as paisan as anyone else in the biological Girardi family. As they loaded up the Escalade, Lily pulled their middle son into a tight hug and whispered something into his ear, something that had made Dean laugh. Tony asked him about it on the drive to the airport.

“Oh...she just said, ‘remember, this is definitely something you got to do first.’ Daddy? Thank you for taking me on this trip. I love you and Mom so much.” Dean was so excited he was practically vibrating. Tony grinned back at his boy.

“I love you too, son. Honestly, going to Sicily with my kid is kind of a dream come true for me. And your Mom is right; you’re the first one to leave the country. We talk about going to Europe or on a Caribbean cruise or to Cozumel all the time but the older you three get, the harder it gets. One of these days we’ll take a big family trip. Just not sure when.”

“Maybe for our next famiversary?” Dean asked. Tony chuckled.

“Yeah, maybe.”

On the flight, they talked about bucket lists.

“Hey, Dad?” Dean asked.

“Yeah, bud?”

“What do you think Seth will pick for his bucket list trip?”

“You know...I really don’t know, Dean. Seth hasn’t ever talked about bucket lists with Mom and me. I don’t even know what’s on it, to be honest.” Tony’s reply was truthful. Seth had never ever discussed it; Tony wasn’t sure he even had one.

“Why? Do you think?” Dean questioned, and Tony shrugged.

“I don’t know. Maybe he just doesn’t know what to choose,” Or maybe he doesn’t want to go anywhere alone with me, Tony thought, but he didn’t say that out loud.

“Sometimes I think Seth is just still afraid,” Dean confided.

“Oh, I know he is,” Tony replied. “But really, think about it. Twelve years. Twelve years of horror. It’s probably going to take more than three years to right all of that.”

Then, keen to change the subject, Tony asked Dean,

“What else is on your list?”

“Hmm…” Dean considered the question. “I want to see snow.” 

“You want to see snow?” 

“Yeah. I mean, not just see it. Play in it and stuff. Maybe ski? And then curl up in front of the fireplace with some hot chocolate with little marshmallows.” Dean looked dreamy.

Tony couldn’t help it; he started to laugh.

“What?” Dan said accusingly. “I’ve never seen real snow in person before.”

“No, it’s just---I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean to laugh; just the way you said it was funny. I think that’s a perfect bucket list item.”

“What’s on yours, Dad?” Dean wanted to know.

“Gosh...I don’t know. I’ve always wanted to go scuba diving.

“Skydiving!” Dean exclaimed. 

“Oh, I’ve done that. You’d love it.” Tony smiled at Dean.

“I’ve always kind of wanted to open a group home for kids after I retired,” he confided to his boy.

“Really?” Dean was intrigued.

“Yeah. I don’t even know if you can do that privately, but I think sometimes about Roman’s and Seth’s experiences in the system, and it makes me wish I could help some other kids who really need it.”

“I’d be proud,” said Dean after a moment and Tony wrapped his arm around his son. 

“Love you, buddy,” he said quietly.

“I love you too, Dad.”

They sat quietly for a few minutes, before Dean spoke again.

“Dad?”

“Hmm?”

“I want to surf in Australia. Let’s add that to my bucket list.”

“Oh, I’d totally be there with you for that,” Tony replied. “I want to go to Alaska.”

“On a boat? Like a cruise?” Dean wondered. Tony nodded.

“Could be. Or just fly up and do some hiking and stuff.”

Dean nodded himself.

“That sounds fun. Someday, I want to own my own business.” Dean murmured.

“What kind of business, son?” Tony asked.

“I don’t know. Just...just something where I can be my own boss. I don’t know. I don’t really have any idea what I want to do after high school.”

“That’s okay, buddy. I didn’t either at your age.”

“You didn’t?” Dean questioned.

“Nope. Sure didn’t. I wanted to do a lot of things before I decided to try for the FBI.” Tony patted Dean’s shoulder. “You’ve got time, bud.”

“I know. I’m just...nothing interests me the same way Seth’s into animals and Roman’s into football. I mean I LOVE animals, but I don’t think I want to be a vet.”

“That’s okay, Dean. I love animals too---OUR animals. I don’t think I’d want to spend all day every day with other people’s.” Tony smiled at Dean, who laughed a little.

“You know Mama didn’t declare her major as Biology/Pre-Med til she was like a junior in college?” 

“Really?”

“Really. 

“Mom signed me up for a photography class, Dad.” Dean said.

“I know. Are you excited?”

“Yeah. There have to be all kinds of fun things to learn. But I’m mostly looking forward to taking photos in Sicily.”

“Me too, buddy,” Tony replied fondly, ruffling Dean’s honey colored hair.

 

____________________________

 

Meanwhile, back in Houston, the three remaining Girardi’s were in full relaxation mode. They slept in every day. They stayed up late watching movies and eating popcorn every night. They ate out a lot, too. Lily proclaimed early on that she didn’t intend to do much cooking, and that seemed fine with the boys.

About halfway through their break Lily took them to Roman’s neurologist appointment. He had to have a repeat MRI and skull xrays. It was a long morning, but she brought Seth along anyway with the intention of taking her oldest and her youngest out for sushi afterwards. Neither Tony nor Dean was a big fan of sushi, so as a family they didn’t go out to eat it often. Roman and Seth, though, loved it; it was one of Roman’s favorite foods and Seth was shaping up to be a true foodie. There wasn’t much he wouldn’t eat. It was a stark contrast to when he first came home, back when he wouldn’t eat anything.

The visit with Dr. Gartland went...well, that depended on who you asked.

Lily was thrilled. The fracture in Roman’s skull was sealing nicely, and his scans showed no lesions or anything else on his brain that indicated any permanent damage, and Dr. Gartland was very encouraged by Roman’s progress. 

On the other hand, Roman was devastated. He’d been hoping, Lily knew, for more freedom to move around and actually live. Not one restriction was lifted, and he didn’t really understand that he was right on schedule in the healing process. He picked at his lunch, then went straight to bed the second they got home, and neither Lily’s nor Seth’s attempts at comforting him were of any use. That’s when they decided desperate times called for desperate measures. 

“What’s the one thing Roman wants to do more than anything else?” Lily asked Seth after being asked to leave Roman alone for the 5th time.

“Take Megan out for a real date,” Seth said without hesitation. Lily was surprised; she’d figured Seth would say play football, though if she thought about it honestly, she knew her youngest was probably right.

“Okay,” Lily murmured. “How can we simulate that as close as possible?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never been on a date. What do people do?” Seth asked, and Lily grinned.

“Well, traditionally, there are things like dinner and a movie,” Lily began.

“Okay…” Seth considered this. “What if we take them to the movie theater and drop them off, and you and I go out for supper?”

“That sounds more like a date for you and me, bub,” Lily said with a laugh.

“Well...we could go shopping instead. I need new skinny jeans…” 

“Already?”

“It’s fall, Mom. I haven’t worn them since April. I guess I grew over the summer.”

“Ah. Well, I suppose there’s that. You gotta quit growing, bub. I need you to stay my baby forever.” 

“I’m not a baby, Mama…” Seth turned to look at her, his massive eyes trained on her face.

“No. I know you’re not,” Lily whispered, then kissed his forehead. “You’re all growing up. Way too fast for this mama. But you’re all three always gonna be my babies, Seth William.”

“Oh, Mom...I love you,” Seth grinned at his mother. “Now let’s decide how to surprise Roman.


	47. Guy Bonding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ten hits away from 5,000! You gotta be KIDDING ME! This story has gone so far beyond what I ever thought it would be, and I'm so thankful for all of the comments, kudos, hits, bookmarks---everything. I don't think it would have gotten so huge if it hadn't generated so much interest.

In Italy, Dean was having the time of his life, just him and his dad. He missed his mom and his brothers, of course, but there was just something about spending time with his father. The trip there was long and kind of arduous; they flew from Houston to New York, then New York to Rome. All of that was long but fine; then they boarded their connection to Palermo and it was a teensy little puddle jumper. If Dean hadn’t been so utterly exhausted he might have thrown a fit over it, but instead he just pressed his face against his dad and waited for it to be over.

It was late, around 3 am Sicily time, when they finally arrived, and both were far too tired to do much besides crash in their resort. Dean wasn’t even sure how it happened, but at some point, he made his way into his father’s bed and he woke up with Tony’s arm wrapped gently around him. His father hadn’t awakened yet, so Dean laid still, thinking about how warm, happy, and safe he felt. Just the fact that his parents took his desires so seriously---new camera, bucket list trip, telling him it was okay to be unsure about the future---well, Dean just didn’t know what he’d done to be so lucky.

It occurred to him while he was laying there, only semi-awake himself, that he couldn’t remember the last time he’d even thought about Shelby, much less had to stop his entire life to work out some random anxiety, nightmare, or fit of anger. It felt good, to feel so secure. No matter what happened, he knew he’d found his real parents. Dean sincerely hoped that someday, his father would follow through with his dream of opening his own group home. They’d be a fortunate bunch of kids.

Once his dad woke up and they’d gotten dressed, the first thing Dean got to experience in Italy was real, authentic Italian food.

Breakfast was long over, so Tony took Dean to a place called Ferro di Cavallo. They split an antipasti first. It had some...interesting...things in it.

“What’s this, Dad?” Dean picked up a mystery chunk of something on his fork and stared at it.

“That’s a fig. They’re kind of sweet,” Tony forked one too and stuck it in his mouth. “Mmmmm…they just don’t make ‘em like this in the States, son.”

Dean tried it, and it didn’t take long for him to decide he was not a fan. 

He loved the roasted red peppers though, and the eggplant, and the prosciutto. The salami, he thought, was spicier than absolutely necessary, but not too bad. And then he came across something that completely grossed him out.

“Dad? Is this...an anchovy?”

“Sure is,” Tony said with a grin. “Try it.” 

“NO WAY!” Dean squealed, equally delighted and filled with dread.

“Why not?” Tony prodded. “Scared?”

“Of a tiny dead fish? Of course I’m not scared, it just...ew.”

“You don’t get to say ew to something you’ve never tried, Dean,” his father grinned even wider. “You just don’t like the stigma.” With that, Dad popped an anchovy   
into his mouth.

“Tasty,” he looked at Dean smugly. “Guess you won’t be the first Girardi boy to try one---”

That was all Dean needed to hear. He stuck the tiny fish into his mouth, chewed, and swallowed.

It wasn’t half bad, actually.

“Hmmm….salty,” he said and Tony laughed. 

“Right? Just don’t tell Mama we’ve been eating these or she may not kiss either one of us again,” his father said with a smile.

Once the antipasti was gone, they ordered half a dozen cannoli, and strolled back to the hotel they were sleeping at, each happily munching on a sweet, creamy pastry. 

“Your Papa used to make these,” Tony told Dean. “When I was a kid, he’d make them fresh with his own dough. Got harder as he got older. Arthritis, you know. So they started getting them from an Italian bakery, but nothing beats that old man’s cannoli.”

Dean didn’t miss the glaze that cast over his father’s eyes before Tony shook his head, looked at his son, and said,

“C’mon. Let’s put these inside, and then I’m gonna show you some of the sights.”

 

_______________________________

 

Roman laid in bed with his arms around Honey Badger. He wasn’t sure if he was angry, sad, disappointed, scared, or maybe a mix of those things. He did know that he didn’t feel like talking. His mother tried, but after several failed attempts, she left him alone. Or so he thought, until, again, he felt the bed dip beside him.

“Mom, please….I just don’t---” Roman began, but instead of his mother, Seth’s voice interrupted him. 

“We don’t have to talk,” his brother said, reaching over Roman’s hip to stroke Honey Badger’s soft fur. Honey, although loyal as ever, was looking pretty gray around the muzzle these days. The thought of his beloved companion growing older just depressed Roman further, so he tried to push the thought out of his head. Instead, he addressed his brother.

“What do you want, Seth?”

“In a perfect world?” Seth asked. “Well, I’d definitely start with Ben & Jerry’s for dinner every night. Every flavor. Except mint chocolate chip, yuck.”

“What’s wrong with mint chocolate chip?” Roman wanted to know. “You like it when Mama makes mint brownies.”

“Yeah, but those are brownies. We’re talking about ice cream. Now, after that, I guess I’d probably want a car, except, and if you tell anyone this I’ll deny it, but I’m kind of afraid of learning to drive, so I guess I’d also need a driver.”

Roman sighed.

“You’re not funny, bro,” he whispered.

“Who’s trying to be funny?” Seth did sound quite serious. “You’re the one who asked. It’s a great question, by the way. Now, once I had my ice cream and my car, I suppose I wouldn’t mind a guitar. I don’t have the first idea how to PLAY a guitar, but it’d still be fun to have one. Think it’d impress the girls?”

It was getting harder not to smile, and Roman knew if he made eye contact it would be over, so instead of looking at Seth, he pressed his face into his pillow, and then he lifted his head and asked,

“What do you think Dad and Dean are doing right now?” 

“Well…” Seth paused. “If I know Dean, and I think I do, he’s probably eating pasta til he pukes.”

And Roman couldn’t hold in his laugh at that. Finally, he turned to face Seth.

“Yeah...you’re probably right,” he said. Seth leaned over and hugged him and Roman found himself sagging against his brother slightly.

“I fucking hate this,” he whispered, half expecting Seth to shrug him off or at least cringe. Instead, he hugged Roman a little tighter.

“I know. I wish I could change it. I’ve wished a million times that I could go back and warn you somehow. But I can’t. And you can’t. And I know that what you’re feeling---you’re sad---you can’t help it. You aren’t alone, though. I’m here. And Mama. And Daddy and Dean too, even though they’re here from afar.”

“Here from afar?” Roman snorted. “Don’t ever write love poems, okay?”

Seth coaxed Roman out of bed soon after, and he found he was feeling better, and hungry. 

“What do you guys want for dinner?” Lily asked when Roman told her.

“Kona Grill,” he answered.

“That good with you, bub?” Lily asked Seth, but he was already nodding his head; no way was he going to pass on steak and more sushi. 

“You sure you’re up for the mall, Ro?” Mom was just making sure; Roman knew this. And no, he wasn’t sure, thank you, but he was getting so tired of doubting himself that he just said,

“Yup.”

It was over dinner that Lily and Seth told Roman about their big idea.

“Ro, I think you need to ask Megan out on a date,” his mother said. “A real one. Dinner, then a movie. Then maybe dessert.”

Roman snorted.

“And how, pray tell, do you expect me to take her on any sort of date?” He didn’t mean to sound obnoxious; it just sort of came out that way.

“We have a plan,” Seth informed him.

“A good one,” Mom added.

“Let’s hear it,” said Roman.

And they told him. And he had to admit---he liked it.

 

______________________________

 

Tony didn’t anticipate how hard it would be to go to Sicily now that his father was gone, but one thing he did know---there was no one on Earth he’d rather be there with than Dean.

He took his son as many places as he could that were within walking distance of the hotel. Their first stop was Fontana Pretoria. Dean took one look and burst out laughing.

“What ARE they?” Tony couldn’t help it; he laughed too.

“They’re Nymphs,” he told his son. 

“But...they’re NAKED,” Dean snorted.

“I know. The fountain was erected in the 1500’s. See that building over there?”

Dean nodded.

“Well, that’s a church and for awhile, they found the fountain so offensive that they called it the Fountain of Shame.”

Dean laughed again.

“So it pissed people off?”

“Well yeah, but I guess not too many. It’s been like 500 years and it’s still there, right?”

Dean nodded his agreement.

“Well, I have to take a picture of it,” he said, “because Seth and Roman won’t believe me if I don’t have evidence.”

They continued to walk until they ended up at a shop called Siculamente. Sheer curiosity brought them through the door, and instantly, Tony saw Dean’s eyes settle on a white t-shirt with a pop art parrot on it.

“Think Seth would like this?” Dean questioned, and Tony nodded. 

“Yeah, he probably would,” Tony replied. “Want to pick some things out for your brothers?”

“Sure. What about Mom?” Dean asked.

“If you find anything, we’ll pick it up, but I have a different shop in mind for her,” Tony answered.

Dean picked out funky t-shirts for himself and his brothers. Then he found himself a hoodie and a white fedora. Finally, he came across a scarf that Tony agreed that Lily was sure to love.

As they walked towards their next stop, they came across a street market called Mercato de Ballaro. Everything was abundant and cheap. They purchased some fresh-baked garlic bread and several different types of cheese, and agreed that they’d eat it for dinner back at the hotel. They laughed at the vendor selling Chinese padded bras. Dean snapped pictures as he saw the opportunity, and Tony found he was genuinely looking forward to seeing them. 

Together, they slowly perused the stalls and munched on fresh grapes and olives. Dean treated his father to a fizzy Italian soda, and they picked out a handmade blanket for Lily. The best thing, though, was a guy who, for 50 Euros, would draw your picture. Dean and Tony sat together and talked and laughed while the guy drew, and when he was done, Tony couldn’t help but grin broadly.

It was pretty close to perfect, and he handed it to Dean. 

“We’ll make a copy when we get home, but you should have the original, buddy,” Tony said. Dean’s smile grew even larger.

It was growing dark as they walked back to the resort that would be their home for the next few days, and Tony could tell his boy was growing tired. His steps began to drag. Tony wrapped his arm around Dean as they walked, noting the way Dean leaned against him. When they got to their room, he was asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow. Tony decided they could have the bread and cheese for breakfast; the took Dean’s shoes off and covered him with the new blanket they’d chosen for his mother. He tried to lay down and go to sleep, but instead he found himself staring at his son’s serene face and counting his blessings once again that he got to be the father of this amazing boy and his two brothers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to do a little research on Sicily to write this chapter and the next couple coming up, and now I seriously want to go there!


	48. You Can't Have Romance without Roman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I grappled with whether or not to write a section from Megan's point of view. In the end, I decided, why not?

Roman sent Megan a text inviting her out to the house on Thursday night for a big surprise. She had no idea what to expect, but just spending time with Roman was incentive enough to show up. She really liked this boy. She hadn’t had many boyfriends up to this point, but Roman...Roman was different. 

He was sweet, quiet, and watching him encourage the younger football players was a real treat. Watching him interact with his younger brothers was a thing of beauty. Plus, she got butterflies in her stomach every time they touched. She especially liked holding his hand. For a big tough guy, his hands were so soft. There wasn’t much about Roman that Megan didn’t like though, if she was honest.

Also, Roman inspired her. She was well aware that his life hadn’t gotten off to the greatest start, but you’d never know it. Megan herself subscribed to the theory that happiness is a choice, and that was one thing about Roman that she really appreciated: he chose positive. Sure, he was struggling at the moment, but that wasn’t his fault, and really, he was doing a pretty good job. She was thrilled when, one evening, Roman texted her that he wanted to have a date, and could she please meet him at his house?

Still, Megan knew he was frustrated because of all of the things he currently couldn’t do, so she was intrigued by this invitation. 

_What should I wear?_

She texted back in response.

_We’re eating Italian food,_ Roman replied. _Comfortable and casual is fine._

Italian sounded good to Megan. She figured Roman’s mother was probably going to drop them off at Olive Garden or something like that, and that worked for her. She was quite surprised at the scene that awaited her when she arrived at the Girardi house.

Roman answered the door dressed in jeans and a 49ers t-shirt, his dark hair falling in waves around his shoulders. Megan felt her heart skip a beat; how a guy could look so beyond incredible in just regular clothes was anyone’s guess, but Roman sure pulled it off. He smiled at her.

“I know I can’t take you out,” he began, “but I think you---we---deserve a real date. This is the best I can do. I hope you like it.”

And he led Megan towards the dining room, where Megan immediately noticed that a dry erase board on an easel had been set up outside the door. 

“Caffe di Girardi,” it read. Megan was still perplexed, until Roman’s mother appeared at the door.

“Good evening, and welcome to Caffe di Girardi,” she said, pegging the Italian accent perfectly. “A table for two, sir?”

“Yes please,” Roman replied. Lily led them into the dining room, and Megan inhaled sharply.

She’d been in there before, but tonight the room had been transformed. The table was covered in a red and white checkered tablecloth. It had two place settings and two candles in the center, along with flowers in a vase. The lights were dimmed, and the candles cast soft shadows that danced on the walls. And the smell was just heavenly. Roman pulled out a chair for Megan, then seated himself across from her. Lily handed them each a menu that touted the following:

_Especiale della Serata_

_Zuppa: Minestrone_  
Pasto: Spaghetti with meatballs, salad, garlic bread sticks  
Dolce: Gelato 

Megan couldn’t contain her smile; this was downright adorable, and no one had ever done anything so romantic for her before. Her grin widened as Lily said,

“Very good, sir. Your server will be with you shortly.”

Moments later, Seth entered the room.

“Good evening, sir, madame,” he began. “My name is LuigiSeth and I will be your server this evening. May I start you off with a beverage?”

Seth’s accent wasn’t quite as convincing as Lily’s, but Megan loved it anyway and she could tell by his face that Roman did too.

“We would like two non-alcoholic Bellinis, please,” Roman told Seth---err, LuigiSeth. 

“Excellent choice,” LuigiSeth replied. “I’ll be back with those and some water in a moment.”

Seth left and Megan turned to Roman.

“This is incredible,” she said with a laugh.

Roman grinned too.

“You like it?” He asked.

“I love it,” she replied. “This beats a restaurant at the mall any day of the week.”

Soon Seth brought their drinks and they ordered the “special.” While they waited they talked and Megan learned some things about Roman that she’d never known before. That his biological mother was an alcoholic---Megan was aware that she was not very nice, but Roman never wanted to talk about her in detail. Roman also confided that as he got closer to college, he was beginning to feel insecure about leaving home and being out on his own.

“I was basically on my own for so long when I was younger,” he said. “I just...I love my family, and the thought of leaving makes me feel like I’m drowning. And...I love playing football. But I know the odds of making it to the NFL are slim and I’m beginning to feel like I need a new plan.”

“Well, there’s time,” Megan answered. “But honestly, I haven’t decided what I want to do either. I know if I want to go I’m going to have to get a scholarship, and the best chance at that is probably basketball, but once I get there? Who knows?”

Roman was about to reply, but then LuigiSeth returned and set two steaming bowls of minestrone on the table in front of them, followed by a basket of bread. The soup was delicious, and for a while, neither of them spoke. Then Megan thought of something.

“I think you’d be really good at a job that involved working with children. I’ve seen the way you advise your teammates. Even just the way you interact with Dean and Seth. You make people feel like they can conquer whatever goal they’ve set.”

Roman looked down into his soup; was he blushing? So cute, Megan thought. At that moment, Seth came back to the table with plates of spaghetti topped with thick, round meatballs and red sauce. As she and Roman dug in, Megan was struck by a thought.

“Is this homemade?” 

“Yeah. My mom makes it. She doesn’t grow many veggies, just tomatoes and cucumbers and some herbs, but one thing she always does is take the extra tomatoes and can sauce.”

“It’s amazing. No one in my house can cook. When my mom makes spaghetti she buys noodles and a jar of sauce from Walmart, and half the time the noodles aren’t cooked right. We’re lucky if we get meat at all and if we do, it’s ground hamburger.”

“Oh, I’m useless at it too. Mom’s offered to teach me some stuff and I guess I ought to learn it. Seth loves it though.”

They talked a little more, and Seth came to clear their plates. Then Roman stood and took Megan’s hand. She stood too.

“C’mon. Let’s go into the living room and watch a movie?” It was a question. Megan nodded. And as Roman guided her into the living room, he leaned over and   
placed a gentle kiss on her lips. Megan’s heart did a huge flip flop.

 

____________________________

 

About halfway through their trip, it rained. And by rained, Dean really meant poured. From the balcony of the resort, he could see the Mediterranean pound angrily against the shore. So much for walking around town today.

“Doesn’t mean we won’t go do something. In fact, I’ve got an idea. But that’s for later; what do you say for now, we decide what we want to do the rest of our days.”

That sounded fair enough; Dean had just two requests. First of all, he wanted to go to the beach.

“I know it’s probably too chilly to swim but how many times does a guy get to see the Mediterranean Sea, Dad?” Dean asked. His father agreed.

The other request was a little harder to make.

“Dad? Do you know where Papa used to live?” Tony smiled at him.

“I know the very house,” he answered Dean softly. “And before this trip is over, I’ll take you to see it.”

“Do people live there now?” Dean asked.

“I don’t know, buddy. We’ll just have to see. So since we can’t get around the city by foot today, I thought we’d go out for a nice meal, and I know just the place.”

The “nice meal” ended up being in a place called Ristorante Peperino, whose sign boasted “pasto Italiano tradizionale, dieci corso.”

“What exactly does that MEAN?” Dean asked, curious.

“Well, the Italians have always held the belief that meal time is a time for connection among people, to talk and enjoy each other. So a traditional Italian meal is ten courses, and they’re served fairly spaced out, so a meal like this can often take several hours.”

“TEN COURSES?” Dean could hardly believe this.

“Yeah, although a course could be considered a drink when the meal begins or ends, an appetizer, etc. So it isn’t all food, but it’s still each considered an individual course.”

It sounded kind of fun, and Dean was starving; he still couldn’t fathom a ten course meal, but it would be an experience for sure. A small, olive-skinned woman greeted them at the door and led them to a small table in a corner. Instead of seating them across from each other, she sat them side by side. Dean could see the whole restaurant from where they sat, and he took it in. 

Sicily wasn’t a terribly modern place; this was one of the things Dean loved the most about it. However, this restaurant was nearly primitive. There were no electric lights in the ceiling; just lanterns. Candles on the tables provided more of the individual light. The place was about half full. 

“Don’t they have electricity?” He asked Tony dubiously.

Tony grinned.

“Don’t worry. This is all just for ambiance. The kitchen is fully electric. They have refrigerators.”

Dean sighed, relieved.

The first “course” ended up being a before dinner drink. This, Tony explained, would traditionally be some sort of champagne or wine. Dean was about 6 weeks short of the legal age to participate, so he ordered uva frizzante, which, upon tasting it, was basically sparkling grape juice. 

“This is to cleanse the palate before the meal begins. Allegedly, bubbly drinks wake up your tastebuds.” 

Dean laughed at this, although when he thought about it, it did make sense.

The next thing to order was antipasto, an appetizer. Dean ordered bruschetta, Tony ordered prawn cocktail, and then they shared. While they nibbled, they talked.

“Roman invited Megan over to the house and Mom and Seth cooked them spaghetti and meatballs and did it all up like an Italian restaurant,” Dean told Tony.

“I heard that. That was a pretty good idea. Think they had fun?”

“He kissed her…”

“He likes her,” Tony said with a smile. “And it seems she likes him.”

“Yeah...they kind of make me think of Kala.” Dean almost felt wistful.

“You miss her huh?” Tony patted Dean’s arm.

“Yeah. More than I thought I would. I knew it was temporary. But she was the first girl I ever really felt connected to,” Dean replied.

“Son, believe me, I know that at the age you’re at, it feels like bigger things are never going to come. But they will. I promise you that. Just be patient.”

Soon it was time to order course three, primo, which was still considered an appetizer but heavier than what had already been consumed. Dean played it safe with   
pasta and marinara sauce, but Tony enjoyed saffron risotto. Dean wasn’t sure if he trusted anything quite that yellow, but his father encouraged him to try it. He did, and it was actually pretty good. The fourth and fifth courses, secondo and contorno, were actually served together, and they consisted of a main course and a side dish. At this point Dean realized that the Italians were not chintzy with their servings; he’d ordered lobster and was presented with 4 giant tails, while Tony’s pork loin was also massive. Sauteed vegetables were served on separate plates. The really cool thing was that since everything was served in increments, Dean wasn’t even really feeling full.

They ate in silence for awhile. It was Tony who brought Papa Angelo up again.

“He’d have been so proud of you, Dean. He was proud of you when he was alive, and I know he’s proud of you now. I know sometimes you get lost in the middle of the Girardi Boy Sandwich, but you’ve got a heart of gold. I’m so proud to be your dad.”

Dean blushed. 

“I...I really miss him, Daddy,” he whispered in response. “It doesn’t feel like it’s tearing me apart anymore, but it still...it just hurts.”

Tony set his fork down and reached for Dean’s hand.

“I know, son. Believe me. I know. And it will. And you know what? That’s okay. I think the important thing is to remember that as long as he stays in your heart, he’ll never be truly gone. Know what else would’ve made him proud?”

“What?” Dean was staring at his plate, trying to ward off the tears that were threatening to spring to his eyes.

“He’d be proud that you wanted to know about where he grew up, and that you came here, and explored, and made amazing memories, and ordered lobster. Lobster was his favorite thing ever. I remember, as a kid, on Pop’s birthday, or Father’s Day, everybody else would be eating pasta and Pop would be sitting at the head of the table with his lobster tails and his butter. He always said eating butter would make you live longer. He made it to 90 so maybe there’s something to that.”

Dean smiled then, thinking of his Papa.

“I think it was the walks,” he confided; Papa Angelo got up early every morning and walked to the corner store to buy a newspaper. His children would gently tease him, but rain or shine, Papa did his thing.

“He met interesting people on those walks,” Tony agreed. “Some of the time you didn’t even know if he was telling you the truth; once he came home and said he’d met a circus trainer with 18 dogs all performing tricks in a line behind him.”

“He told me once that he did it because he met Nonna while he was out walking one day. He said it wasn’t that he was looking for another girl, but if something so amazing could happen to him once, then something amazing could happen again and if he missed a walk he’d never know.”

“He was probably right, you know,” Tony replied, and Dean nodded.

The sixth course was insalata, and Dean was surprised when the server set a leafy green salad in front of him. He tasted it; the vinaigrette on it was yummy, but Dean was confused.

“So in Italy they serve salad AFTER the main course?”

“Traditionally, yeah. I’m not sure how it got to be that in America you tend to eat salad first.”

“Interesting,” Dean said. “What’s next?”

“Formaggi e frutta,” Tony replied.

“Cheese and fruit? That’s something else I’d have figured would go first.” Dean was curious about all of this. “So Papa grew up eating this way?”

“I mean I don’t think they had ten-course meals every day,” Tony said.

“No, but I mean, when they did, they had stuff so...out of order?”

“Yeah. By the time he got to the States it was different; we rarely ate like this when I was a child. Only on really special occasions.”

They stopped talking for awhile after that; they enjoyed the rich cheese and fruit tray (except the figs; Dean was pretty sure he was never going to develop a taste for those).

Over dolce, they got back to discussing the future. Dean was eating spumoni cake, his father cassata, when a question he’d never asked before occurred to him.

“Dad, do you and Mom ever want grandchildren?”

Tony choked a little on his cake.

“Ummm...I mean yeah I guess. Maybe. Like not TOMORROW or anything. But if kids is something that’ll make you boys happy---when you’re ready, of course---then Mom and I will welcome grandchildren. Do you think you’d like to have some?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. Don’t know if I’d be a very good dad...not like you,” Dean murmured.

“Bet you would. Bet someday, when you’re ready, you’ll make a great dad.”

The ninth course was caffe, and as Dean sipped the hot, bitter liquid, he realized that he didn’t like it anymore now than he had in Hawaii. Tony passed him the sugar, which he gratefully dumped into his cup.

The tenth and final course was called ammazzacaffe, and not much to Dean’s surprise, it involved alcohol.

“For the tenth course, you’re supposed to drink a light, fruity beverage,” Tony explained. “It’s to help you digest. In fact, some people call this course digestivo, but I think ammazzacaffe sounds much better, don’t you?”

Dean nodded, and then nearly fell over when his father ordered for them.

“We’ll have two limoncellos, please,” Tony told the server.

Dean waited until she was out of earshot to kick his father under the table.

“Dad! I’m not old enough!”

“You’re close enough. Don’t you want to try it?” Tony asked him.

“Well...yeah. But not if it’s gonna get us in trouble!”

“It’ll be okay, bud. You’re with a parent, and like I said, you’re close enough. Now hush.”

The drink was served; it was yellow and clear and given to them in tiny little wine glasses. Dean took just a small sip first.

It tasted heavenly. Lemony and tart and sweet. And when he swallowed, he felt a strange but not uncomfortable warm sensation follow it down his throat. 

“This is amazing,” he whispered.

“I know. You just can’t find it like this at home. Now, you know that just because I let you have a taste of alcohol on a very important vacation that doesn’t meant that you can just go home and start drinking right?”

“Dad. Please. Of course I know that. You gotta be much older at home anyway. And besides, even if I wanted to drink, I don’t think I could. You know how Roman feels about alcohol…”

Roman was leary of alcohol and people who consumed it. Dean guessed it was because his biological mother had been a raging alcoholic, and it had caused her to mistreat him. The Girardi’s were not drinkers. Every so often, at a restaurant or special occasion, Lily and Tony might enjoy a beverage that contained a little, that was pretty much it. They didn’t even keep beer or wine at the house.

“That’s noble of you, son,” Tony grinned. “Feeling okay?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Well, you drank that a little fast for your first taste…” It was then that Dean realized that he’d swallowed all of his limoncello. He felt warm and full, and more than a little sleepy. It felt good.

“I’m good. Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“You know how you always tell me that you’re proud to be my dad?”

“I mean it. Every word.”

“I know,” Dean said. “But what I need to tell you is---I’m proud to be your son.”

 

_______________________________

 

Tonight, Seth had seen true peace in Roman’s face for the first time in months. After Roman and Megan retired to the living room to watch their movie, he helped his mom do the dishes.

“This idea was spot on, bub,” Lily told him with a smile. “Roman looked so happy.”

“Megan did too. And he KISSED her!” Seth could barely contain a squeal. Then he paused.

“Mama? Now I’m the only one who hasn’t kissed a girl…”

Lily turned to him.

“How do you feel about that?”

“Okay. I think kissing is probably overrated…”

“Kissing is something you definitely shouldn’t do until you’ve found the right person,” Lily agreed. 

“Did you kiss anyone before Dad?”

“I...yeah. I did. He’s the best kisser ever though,” Lily replied.

“Ew,” said Seth.

Once everything was clean and put away, his mother peeked in on Roman and Megan. Seth saw her smile light up, and then she motioned him over.

“Look.”

Roman had stretched out on his side on the couch. Megan had stretched out in front of him. His arm was wrapped around her middle, and they were both asleep. It made Seth feel good to see Roman finally relax.

“C’mon, Seth,” Lily murmured. “You and I can go watch a movie in my room.”

“Can I sleep in your bed?”

“We’ll see.”

They agreed on St. Vincent, a movie they’d both seen before but both loved. Seth snuggled against Lily as they watched. He almost fell asleep himself, except then the phone rang. Mom got out of bed to answer it. Seth only heard her side of the conversation but he paid attention when he saw the frown on her face.”

“Hello? No, Dean isn’t here right now. Can I take a message for you? Pardon? Well, he’s out of the country at the moment. He’ll be back...later. Sir? Can I ask how you know my son?” 

The call ended abruptly; Seth could tell the caller had hung up.

“That was odd,” Lily murmured.

“What?”

“Well, he got very irritated when I told him Dean was gone for awhile. And I don’t like the way he hung up on me…”

“Huh,” Seth shrugged it off. “Maybe someone from school.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Lily settled next to Seth again and they finished the movie in peace.

When it was over, both got up to find Roman and Megan snuggled up on the couch watching Criminal Minds.

“Did you guys have fun tonight?” Seth asked earnestly.

Megan grinned.

“This was the best first date I’ve ever had,” she said. “But it’s late. I should probably get going.”

Roman walked her to the door and then hugged her tight, and both Lily and Seth smiled when he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers in a long, tender kiss.

“See you tomorrow,” he whispered.


	49. Watched

The rest of Dean and Tony’s trip flew by and before either of them knew it, it was time to start the journey back to Houston. 

The day after their ten-course meal, Tony had hailed a cab and he and Dean had ridden to the outskirts of Palermo. It wasn’t exactly farm country, but not entirely city neighborhoods either. The houses were spread. Yards were mostly dirt and rocks, and goats wandered around free like children. You could no longer see or smell the Mediterranean, and there didn’t seem to be many people around. Tony asked the cab driver to drop them off and return in one hour.

Dean was in awe. This was it. This was where Papa Angelo, HIS Papa Angelo, had grown up. As he walked up the path with his dad, he closed his eyes for a minute and tried to envision Papa as a little boy, running and jumping and making mischief. It wasn’t hard to do. Dean had his camera at the ready. The home appeared deserted, so they wandered around, Dean taking photos and Tony telling stories.

“I remember visiting as a kid. My grandmother, Nonna Sofia, always had a clothesline over there,” Tony pointed. “And Papa’s father, my Nonno, whose name was Pietro, always sat in a chair on the porch. There were chickens and goats and us kids would run around and occasionally he would holler, ‘Antonio! Quit chasing that chicken.’ In Italian, of course.”

“How many brothers and sisters did Papa have?” Dean asked. 

Tony laughed.

“Now that’s kind of a mystery. Nonna Sofia said 17, and you’d figure she would know, but Pietro always swore up and down that there were 19 and two were just hiding.”

“Either way...Sofia must’ve been a saint.”

Tony laughed again. 

“Nonna Sofia carried a switch wherever she went. All of their kids had a lot of kids, and she was definitely not all about sparing the rod. And that woman---damn, could she cook. She could’ve put your mother to shame.”

Ludicrous, Dean thought. Lily was the best cook in the world.

“She made all of her pasta by hand. You’d walk into her kitchen and it’d be hanging everywhere to dry. She used to let me pinch the farfalle. Neither of them spoke a word of English, and she didn’t allow it in her house. She whack you with that switch if she caught you speaking it. I learned Italian real quick.”

Dean laughed.

“I wish I could have met her,” he said. “Pietro, too.”

“I know. So many people in our family tree. They’d have loved you, bud. Just like your Papa.”

Tony wrapped his arm around Dean.

“Come on. There’s something I want to show you.”

They walked back behind the house and Dean inhaled sharply; there was vineyard as far as his eyes could see.

“They made their own wine; back then everyone did. We used to think it was the best thing in the world to take off our shoes and socks and stomp on grapes. Your  
Nonna would be so mad when Uncle Joe and I would come home with our feet stained for weeks.”

Dean laughed again. 

“I love it, Dad.”

When the cab returned, Tony instructed the driver to head to the opposite end of Palermo, to the Mediterranean Coast. They’d walked barefoot in the sand, and in spite of the 65 degree weather, Dean waded in a little. It was chilly but not freezing, and the waves were different from the ocean. He decided then and there that someday, no matter what it took, he’d come back some day.

Now, on the flight from London to New York, Dean leaned against his father and sighed placidly. It had been amazing, the whole thing. Still, though, he was ready to get back to the rest of the family. He’d missed Roman and Seth, and especially Mom. He couldn’t wait to tell them all about it, and show them all of the close to 1,000 pictures he took. And he really couldn’t wait for his mother’s hug. 

He fell asleep somewhere over the Atlantic, and woke with a start when his father rubbed his arm.

“Dean? Wake up, buddy. We’re at JFK. Gotta change planes.”

He felt so tired. His father, Dean knew, travelled to London on business a few times a year, and he’d gone to Italy more than once as well. Was this what jetlag felt like? When they landed in the U.S., while they waited for their connecting flight, Dean pulled out his phone and called his mom.

“Sweetie! Oh, baby, it’s so good to hear your voice. Are you in the City?”

It had been hard to call home with the time difference, so they’d only done it once, and opted to email instead. That was more convenient. 

“Yeah. I think we have like two hours here before we leave for Houston. It’s good to hear your voice too, Mama,” Dean answered.

“I’ve missed you so much, sweetheart. I’m so glad you got to go with Daddy on this trip but it’s been like a third of my heart is missing. I can’t wait to hear all about it. I love you, Dean.” Lily sounded so genuinely happy to hear from him that it made Dean’s heart flutter.

“I love you too, Mama. Tell Roman and Seth hi. We’ll be home in just like six more hours!”

“I know! Longest six hours ever, I’m sure, but we’ll manage. We’ll be waiting at home, buddy. Tell Daddy I love him okay?”

“Okay. Bye, Mom.”

Yeah. As good as the trip had been, home sounded pretty damn good right about then.

 

_________________________________

 

It was late Saturday night when Roman heard the garage door open. Lily was dozing on the couch. Seth was sound asleep draped across her lap. 

“Mom?” Roman nudged Lily awake, and then they heard a door slam.

“Oh! Seth? Wake up, bub. They’re home.”

Seth’s eyes flew open.

“Dad! Dean!” The youngest Girardi brother was off the sofa like a shot. He flung himself at his brother.

Roman couldn’t move as quickly, but he slowly stood from where he’d been sitting and made his way to his dad. Tony hugged him tight.

“You doing okay, son?” He asked softly. Roman nodded.

“I wasn’t. But Mom and Seth and Meg have helped,” he replied. 

“Glad to hear it,” Tony responded, hugging Roman again. 

Lily was fussing over Dean. 

“Oh, sweetness. I can’t wait to see all the pictures you took.”

“Tomorrow, Mama. There are lots but I’m so sleepy…”

“Why don’t you both go take showers, and then to bed with you,” Lily motioned to Dean and Tony. "Tomorrow this family is hanging out together."

And they did.

The next morning, Roman sat at the kitchen table watching Lily and Seth fix breakfast. Dean and Dad were still asleep, but the grand plan for the day consisted of the five of them hanging out in Lily and Tony’s California King bed, talking, watching movies, and just generally catching up. It was raining hard outside, which definitely made the mood perfect for lounging around. Breakfast in bed sounded just fine to Roman. 

Lily was talking Seth through mixing up waffle batter while she laid bacon strips on a cookie sheet. Then she began cracking eggs into a bowl. She whipped them up, added a little milk, salt, and pepper, and soon had a big pan of scrambled eggs going as well.

“Mom?” Roman asked suddenly.

“Yeah, kiddo?”

“Will you teach me how to cook?”

Lily set her eggs down.

“You want to learn to cook?” Roman’s mother seemed surprised.

“Yes. I want to make dinner for Megan sometime.”

“Ahh. I see. Well, yeah. I can teach you a few basics. What kind of food does she like?”

“I guess most everything. We haven’t really discussed it but she loved the Italian food and she likes Mexican...I don’t think she really likes fish, though.”

“Well, I’ll give you a few cooking lessons this week and maybe by the weekend you could invite her over and cook her a meal. That would be sweet.”

Roman smiled shyly.

“I really like her, Mom.”

“I know you do, kiddo. Know what? I really like her too.”

 

____________________________________

 

It was fun for Seth to listen to his mom and brother talk about Roman’s girlfriend. He seemed so happy. Actually, Seth felt like over the first half of the break, Roman  
had been improving overall quite a bit. He had one migraine, but he took some meds and their mom had made the room dark and had him lay down with a cold cloth over his eyes. He said afterwards that while it still hurt (about a 7), it was definitely better than it had been.

A few days after Dean and Tony came back, the three boys sat around the kitchen table, eating cereal and lamenting.

“Sometimes, I wish we were younger again,” said Seth with a sigh.

“I know,” Roman agreed.

“I wish we weren’t so grown up and handsome,” declared Dean, knowing full well that that would get their mother’s attention.

“I wish all of those things too,” Lily interjected. “But that seems like an odd thing for three teenage boys to wish for. What’s the meaning of this, fellas?”

“We’re too old for Halloween, Mom,” Dean informed her with a deep sigh.

“Says who?” Lily shot back.

“We’re too old for Trick or Treating. No one our age does that,” said Seth.

Lily thought for a moment.

“Well, okay, so maybe you’re too grown up for that, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun.”

“How?”

“Well, the community center always needs volunteers and Trunk or Treat is almost here…” All three boys lit up.

The community center was open to all kids from all walks of life. It they incurred expenses from taking classes, their parents paid. If they wanted to take a class or two and their parents couldn’t pay, there were scholarships available. This was how Dean came to be allowed to go in the beginning; no way would Shelby ever pay for him to do that, but since it was free…

Every Halloween, the center put on Trunk or Treat. Volunteers would park their cars in the parking lot, decorate the back of them, and hand out candy to the younger kids. They’d gone one year when the boys had been much younger. The trio knew where their mother was headed with this.

“You know...that could be kind of fun…” Roman mused. “We could take the Jeep, decorate it, and dress up in a theme of some sort...what do you think, guys?”

“I think it sounds fun,” said Seth.

“You know I’m in!” Dean was clearly excited.

“Okay, then. So what do we want to do?”

“What if we...dress like superheroes?” Seth suggested.

“Every 6-year-old there will be a superhero,” Dean muttered.

“Well maybe, but if this is for kids, it’s not like we can do anything super scary…” Seth pointed out.

“True.”

“But we don’t have to wienie it up.” 

“Do we have to do a theme? We could all just dress up as what we want.” Roman said.

“It’d be more fun to do a theme,” Seth replied. “But I don’t know what we’d do…”

“All the good stuff I can think of requires 4 people,” Dean agreed.

“You COULD always ask your father…” Lily threw that out there and all three boys grinned.

“Think he would?” Roman asked.

“Oh, he totally would,” Dean answered.

“Then what will we be?” Seth persisted.

 

__________________________________

 

They ended up going as the Ghostbusters. Tony was thrilled to join them. They decorated the Jeep as Ecto-1. They even dressed Honey Badger up as Slimer and brought her along. She spent the evening lying beside Roman, and the kids absolutely loved her. Tony was told repeatedly how generous it was of his teenagers to donate their time to making the holiday of the children milling around. 

The morning after Halloween was a Saturday, and the weather was nice and cool, in the mid-50’s. After breakfast, the family took a long walk around one of the trails on their property. The leaves were just beginning to change, a process which, in Houston, didn’t take very long. Lily and Tony were holding hands, and Dean had his camera. He didn’t go anywhere without it anymore. It was fun, Tony thought, to watch him lock in on something he wanted to take a picture of, find the angle he wanted, take the pic, and then examine it with a critical eye on the camera’s LCD screen. His attention to detail was incredible. 

He hadn’t made the basketball team, and Tony knew he was disappointed, eventhough he’d tried to act as though it didn’t matter. The coaches told him that he was  
a really good player, but there were a lot of really good players that year, and since they had to make some tough choices, they were going to opt for some more experienced players. Dean brushed it off, but Tony had seen his tearfilled eyes as he asked to be excused from the dinner table that night. He also didn’t miss that Lily came to bed late. He knew she’d been comforting their boy.

So when Tony happened across the flyer for a photography contest while out shopping with Lily one day, he knew he had to show his son. 

“I really think you should do this, buddy,” Tony explained when he showed the contest to Dean. “The winner gets a new lens for their camera.” 

“Why should I bother?” Dean asked dully. “It’s not like I’ll win.”

“Well, not with that attitude, you won’t,” Tony replied. “But the only person who’s guaranteed to lose is the one who doesn’t play.”

Dean heaved a massive sigh.

“Well...say I do enter. What picture would I even submit?”

“Hmm...well, you’ve taken hundreds of great ones. And you could always shoot something new if you want.”

“I don’t know, Dad. The best ones are the ones that just happen. I don’t know if I can just go shoot something and have it be good enough for a contest.”

“Okay...well, why don’t you and I go for a walk and just see what inspiration strikes you?”

Dean smiled, just a little. 

“Yeah. Okay.”

Tony and Dean spent a few hours walking around the east side of the property, and occasionally Dean would find something that intrigued him to take a picture of, and then they walked down to the dock because, Dean explained, “that’s the best place to go to aim for the horses.”

Dean seemed to feel considerably better after awhile, and as it began to get dark, he walked with his dad back towards the house. They were talking and laughing, and so engrossed in their own conversation that neither of them noticed the man standing in the trees on the other side of the pond, watching their every move.


	50. Strange Things Are Happening

Dean was just trying to get by.

It was two weeks after Halloween, several days after he was rejected by the basketball team, and it was bothering him more than he knew it should. Which, to tell the truth, is what pissed him off the most. HE wasn’t supposed to care about that shit. Since when did he care about that shit like that? Let Seth be devastated over the rejection; when had he gotten so soft?

He really did want to enter the photography contest, but the deadline for that was looming and Dean still didn’t have anything he felt was good enough to enter. And really, what was the point of doing it if he was just going to lose? Still...he wanted a lens. His camera was wonderful, but he knew that you could get all kinds of fun stuff to make it even better---he’d been researching---and he knew exactly what he wanted. A macro. Those things could see stuff super close and still get the detail from even the tiniest of objects. He kind of thought it would be really cool to go out to Galveston and try some beach pictures. Not that he could win.

He was feeling sorry for himself and he knew it, and he hated it, but he couldn’t help it. His parents, as always, treated him gently, with courtesy and respect, but he could tell that even they were beginning to get a little impatient with his wallowing. And then, he got a wake up call.

Roman had been improving little by little; it seemed he was a little better each day. He was mostly his old self, aside from the occasional time when he would disappear behind a wall of despair, but usually, his brothers could cheer him up. He was still plagued with migraines too, usually when he pushed himself too hard, which was exactly what he was doing one Friday afternoon. He’d been told by his doctor that he could start lifting weights up to 20 pounds, so after school that day, he’d gotten them out. 

Dean could tell his brother was frustrated as he watched Roman struggle to lift; it had been so long now that he could barely get the weights up, and he was used to benching his own weight effortlessly. But he didn’t give up. Seth came into basement shortly thereafter to watch, and Dean could tell by his eyes that he was concerned too. Sweat was pouring off Roman’s face at this point. His face was hard and cold and determined. 

“Rome?” Dean asked quietly, trying to break Roman free from the trance he seemed to be in. Roman didn’t even look up.

A few more minutes passed, and Dean could tell that his brother was starting to feel weak, but still, he wouldn’t stop. His eyes were glazed and his lips were trembling. He looked absolutely terrible. Dean and Seth exchanged a look.

“I’m going to go get Mom,” said Seth softly. Dean nodded.

“Roman? It’s time to stop,” Dean moved a little closer to his brother; Roman still seemed oblvious to Dean’s presence. 

“Hey. Rome? ROMAN.” Roman began shaking his head, but still didn’t say a word.

“Come on, Rome. Let’s take a break. You want a drink?” Roman shook his head harder. 

“You gotta stop, Rome,” Dean murmured softly, reaching out and gently prying one of the weights out of Roman’s hand.

“STOP.” Roman grunted out then, snatching his hand away from Dean’s touch. “Don’t. Touch. Me.” Something inside of Dean wrenched loose right then, as it hit him like a ton of bricks---he had nothing to be upset about. So what if he didn’t make basketball? He was healthy and he was LUCKY.

“Ro,” came Mom’s voice, and Dean sighed with relief; both of his parents had descended from upstairs. Tears were mixed with the sweat running down Roman’s face now. Their dad wordlessly took the other weight from him and he collapsed into their mother’s waiting arms.

“Oh, baby,” Lily soothed, stroking Roman’s cheek. 

“I just want my life back,” he moaned against her, and she murmured her understanding. Dean crawled closer, into his mother’s arm, and rested his head on Roman’s side. He could feel Lily start to run her fingers through his hair too. Then Dad and Seth joined the family cocoon around Roman. It was a closeness that Dean couldn’t describe, and it gave him an idea.

The next morning, Dean approached Roman. Last night their father had helped him to the shower, and then they’d eaten as a family around the kitchen table as they normally did, and Roman was clearly feeling better. Dean had listened during the nights for sounds of distress coming from his brother, and had heard nothing, so he was left to assume that Roman had slept well, too.

“Rome?” 

“Yeah?” Roman was curled up on the couch under his 49ers blanket. 

“How do you feel today?” Dean asked him, perching himself at the end of the sofa.

“Better. A little sore,” Roman replied. “Dean? Thank you for helping me yesterday. For getting Mom and Dad.”

Well, that was awkward. He knew Roman wasn’t mad at him or anything but he didn’t expect him to be actually appreciative either.

“You’d do it for me,” was all Dean could say to that. “But I had an idea and I wanted to ask you about it.”

“What’s that?” Roman sat up and pulled his blanket tighter around himself, but he was looking into Dean’s face. Dean realized with a start that it had been awhile   
since Roman had looked him in the eyes; maybe he really WAS getting better.

“Well...I was thinking about how hard you’ve been working to get better,” Dean began. “And I think it would really inspire a lot of people to know that even though it’s been HARD, you’re still DOING it. So I was wondering...if...I could maybe take some pictures of you as you get better?”

“Like...what kind of pictures?” Roman asked.

“Just like...pictures of you lifting weights and adding things back to your routine and stuff. I don’t really know for sure; I’ve only just had the idea. But I want to call it the Roman Recovery Series. Is...is it okay?”

Roman thought hard for a moment before looking back at Dean.

“Yeah. It’s okay. I just want to see everything before you show anyone else. Fair?”

“Fair!” Dean was happy with that. 

 

______________________________

 

Seth wanted a change, and he wanted it bad.

He was beginning to realize something: at home he may stand out because he was the baby, but at school, nothing separated him from anyone else. Roman was a star football player and was cut like a God besides. Plus, he had a reputation for being a great coach and mentor. Everyone knew him. Girls wanted to date him and guys wanted to be like him, and the worse part was, Roman didn’t even seem to notice.

Then there was Dean. His reputation was very different---he was tough and rugged, smart but guarded, and since he had started getting into art, people had really begun to notice him.

All anyone knew about Seth was that he was Roman and Dean’s brother.

Of course, he’d wanted it that way at first; life was so much easier when no one noticed you and just let you pass by. But he was different now; his confidence had grown by leaps and bounds in the past years, and he WANTED to stand out. He just wasn’t sure the best way to do it.

This was a hard school with high academic standards, but being smart and getting the kind of grades he got wasn’t going to cut it, although he did sign up to be a tutor. Seth wanted something more than that, though.

He’d considered trying out for basketball himself, actually, but he didn’t.

It wasn’t fear of rejection that stopped him, either. It was fear that he would make the team and Dean wouldn’t. Seth knew that’d be a tough pill to swallow for Dean, and he didn’t love playing so much that it was worth causing friction between him and his brother, so he let it go. 

He wanted to do something big, though. Something to make him a commodity. That was it. He wanted people to want him. He wanted to be popular. He wanted to be something other than “the youngest Girardi.”

Then he had an idea.

Two weeks before the Thanksgiving break, Seth cornered Roman.

“Hey---will you help me with something?” Seth asked, holding up a small box.

“Well...I’ve never done that before…” Roman began, but he took the box from Seth’s hands and looked at it. “What’ll you do if it doesn’t turn out?”

“I’ll worry about that later, IF it happens. I just...I want a different look. I want to stand out a little. Please?”

Roman sighed. 

“Okay. But you know Mom is probably going to kill you.”

It was a risk Seth was willing to take.

An hour later, they were finished and Seth stared at himself in the mirror. It had turned out EXACTLY the way he’d envisioned.

“Thanks, Roman!” Seth said excitedly, as he and his brother exited the bathroom and bumped directly into Dean. His brother stared at him.

Roughly a third of Seth’s dark brown curly hair was now bleached blond. After a moment, Dean grinned.

“You know Mom’s gonna kill you right?”

“Mom doesn’t believe in killing,” Seth responded, though to be honest, he wasn’t sure HOW she would react.

Luckily, she didn’t seem to mind.

“That’s an interesting look, bub,” Lily said when she saw it. “What made you decide on that?”

“I don’t know. I just wanted something new,” Seth replied. “Something people will notice.”

“Well, people are definitely going to notice this,” his mama replied, smiling at her youngest. 

“Mom?” Seth said.

“Yeah?”

“I think I want to try out for the wrestling team.”

 

______________________________

 

Roman knew their mother wouldn’t REALLY object to Seth’s new hairstyle nearly as much as she’d be concerned about him going out for wrestling. She was already fixing up one son with a head injury, and she had a tendency to want to baby Seth anyway, even though he hated it.

He opted to stay out of things though, so when Megan called to see if he wanted to go to the movies, he agreed. It was the first time he’d gone to the theater since he’d been hurt, and while lots of people in an enclosed space could spell trouble, he knew he’d probably be okay.

Megan was aware of this anyway, and she led him up to the top row of the theater, away from most of the other patrons. They shared a huge bucket of popcorn and a massive cup of Mr. Pibb, and settled in to watch Sinister.

Roman quickly learned that aside from being away from other people, there were several benefits to sitting at the top of the theater while watching a scary movie with his girlfriend.

He could easily wrap his arm around her, for one. For another, every time the movie got scary, Megan pressed her face against his chest. It made him feel strong and protective; like she trusted him to make it better. So he did---about the fifth time she hid her face, he tenderly took her chin and guided her up into a kiss.

This was a real kiss, not just a peck, and soon enough, they were making out. Roman loved kissing and touching Megan; he was never inappropriate because he was a gentleman and she was a lady and besides, neither of them was ready for THAT. But his favorite part was resting his hand on her cheek as they kissed; he loved being close to her. And as their lips became more demanding, something bubbled up out of Roman that even he didn’t see coming.

“I...love you.”

The words came out suddenly and for a half second he regretted it, because what if she didn’t feel the same? But then their eyes met and the second he looked into her deep green orbs, he knew. There was no need to worry; she felt the same way too. And then she said so.

“I love you too,” she whispered.

After Megan dropped Roman off at home, he felt like he was floating. He bumped into Tony on his way in. 

“Hey, Dad,” he said airily.

“Hey, son,” Tony replied. “How was your date?”

“Amazing,” Roman smiled the dorkiest smile ever.

“Yeah? What did you two crazy kids do?”

“We...Dad...it was so incredible…”

“Roman? Do I need to get you guys some protection or something?”

Roman looked over at him. 

“No. No, not THAT, Dad. I just...neither of us is ready for sex. But...I told her I love her.”

Tony’s expression softened, and he smiled gently.

“You did? What was her reaction?”

“She said she loves me too,” Roman whispered.

Tony’s smile grew.

“Oh...son. I’m happy for you, Roman. Your first love is a wonderful thing.” Roman’s father reached out and patted his shoulder.

“Dad? Do you think highschool sweethearts can make it? ‘Cuz right now I feel like planning my whole future around her.” Roman revealed.

“Well...at 16 I don’t know that I’d plan my entire future around any one person or thing, but to answer your question, yes. I do think high school sweethearts can make it. Look at Uncle Tom and Uncle Joe. Both of them began dating their wives in high school and both couples have been together over 30 years.”

Roman smiled. 

“I really think I love her, Dad. I honestly do.”

Tony smiled again. 

“Good. She’s a good girl; you’re good for each other. Mom and I like her too.”

“So what’s going on around here tonight?”

“Well...Dean’s pissed that we’re not going to New York for Thanksgiving.” Tony replied.

“Oh...did you guys have a fight?” Roman asked.

“Not a fight. He’s just...disappointed, you know? And he’s nervous about the photo contest and I think he’s still a bit down about basketball. This was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

“I’ll talk to him tomorrow,” Roman said. “Maybe it’ll help?”

“Yeah...you’re the best big brother, bud,” Dad said. 

The next morning when Roman woke up, Seth was still asleep but Mom, Dad, and Dean were gone. There was a note on the kitchen counter in Lily’s handwriting that said, “went for a walk. Back in a bit.” 

Figuring his parents had taken Dean out to talk to him some more, Roman poured a bowl of cereal and was about to head to the living room to fire up Madden when the phone rang.

All of them had cell phones, but Lily wasn’t willing to give up the landline. They lived pretty far out, and she was afraid if there was an emergency, an ambulance wouldn’t be able to find them. So while phone calls on it were usually telemarketers, Roman answered it anyway.

“Hello?” He said.

“Looking for Dean,” came the unfamiliar reply. “Dean Ambrose.”

This gave Roman pause. His brother hadn’t be “Dean Ambrose” in over a year, so whoever this was couldn’t know him that well. 

“He...I’m sorry, but there’s no Dean Ambrose living here,” Roman replied, figuring this was the safest answer. 

The man on the phone became agitated immediately.

“Look...kid. I know he lives there, alright? I just want to talk to him. Where is he?” The man’s reply was sharp.

“No, you’re wrong. There is no Dean Ambrose here,” Roman said firmly, and then he hung up.

How strange, Roman thought, as he picked up his cereal and headed off to the living room.


	51. The Worst Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the first time I've written an entire chapter from one point of view...hope it works.
> 
> Happy 5550 views!

The worst day of Lily Girardi’s life began innocently enough. 

It was Black Friday, which possibly should’ve been a clue, and the boys were still off school for Thanksgiving break. Lily herself had had a small break; she hadn't worked since Tuesday afternoon, and she’d had a great time relaxing for a few days with her boys and Tony.

They had a whole Thanksgiving dinner: turkey, ham, stuffing, cranberry salad, green bean casserole, vegetable casserole, gravy, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, Nutella cheesecake, and a trifle. Lily had never cooked a Thanksgiving feast for her family before, but everyone had pitched in the day before and it had all turned out really good. The boys had gone to bed stuffed and happy, and she and Tony had stayed up and discussed Christmas and Dean’s upcoming birthday before retiring for the night.

Now, she was considering braving the crowds in the stores. Tony wanted a new big screen, Seth was hoping for a laser printer for Christmas, and he’d also expressed interest in a Sphero, and she knew Roman wanted some Bose headphones. She figured she could get reasonable deals on all of these things at Best Buy, even if they’d been open since midnight and it was now about 6:30. Figuring she could be gone and back before any of her sons woke up, she opted to go and treat herself to Starbucks on the way, and she figured everyone would probably still be asleep when she got back. She decided to check on her precious boys before she left.

Roman was sprawled out on his back, arms and legs everywhere, just a hint of a snore rising from his chest. His room felt cold to Lily, so she found his blankets and covered him gently. He mumbled in his sleep, and she ran her hand over his hair. Then he turned over onto his side and snuggled under the covers. Convinced he was comfy and cozy, she moved on to her baby.

Or not so much a baby anymore, Lily thought to herself, as she gazed down at Seth’s sleeping form. He was curled up under his blankets, never truly able to sleep unless he could be wrapped in a warm, safe cocoon. The blond patch in his hair and the bridge of his nose were all Lily could see of him, and she leaned down and kissed him quickly before stepping out and in to Dean’s room.

Dean was wide awake.

Lily wasn’t too surprised; he’d had a bit of a rough week. She knew he was sad that they didn’t go to New York. 

“It doesn’t seem right to not go just because Papa is gone,” he’d whispered into his mother’s neck, and she had hugged him tight.

“Oh, sweetie...that’s not it,” Lily had replied. “Daddy and I just thought...we aren’t sure flying is the best thing for Roman yet; Dr. Gartland recommended we wait a little while, so we are. And we figured it’d be fun to do Thanksgiving just us 5; that’s never happened yet since Roman came home.”

Dean had nodded, but Lily knew how much he missed his Papa, and it made her sad. So when she found him awake that Friday morning, while it didn’t surprise her, it did make her heart ache. She crawled into Dean’s bed and wrapped her arm around him.

“Can’t sleep?” Lily whispered.

Dean shook his head.

“Wanna get up and go shopping with me?”

Dean turned so he could see her face.

“Where?”

“Best Buy. I want to see if there are any Black Friday specials that we can’t live without. And, you know, my sweetie’s been feeling down lately, so I wondered if maybe something like a new video game might help?”

Dean smiled then.

“It...might be worth a try,” he said.

They had fun, Lily and her middle son. Though Dean had never been a fan of coffee, he did love a nice, sweet, creamy white mocha. They found everything Lily’d been looking for, including a couple of new video games for Dean, and then they stopped at the camera section, where Dean gazed longingly at the vast array of accessories. All of which happened to be on sale for Black Friday. He looked at his mother, pleading with his eyes.

“What have you got your eye on?” Lily asked him softly.

“The wide angle lens and the external flash,” Dean replied, just as softly.

“Okay. But I get to decide whether they’re for Christmas or your birthday. And you better act surprised.” Dean threw his arms around his mother and squeezed. Lily snuck a camera bag into the cart too, when he wasn’t looking.

Upon their return home, as predicted, Roman and Seth were still asleep so Dean helped Lily hide the gifts in her closet, and then went to lay down himself. Half an hour later, Lily looked in on him and he was sound asleep. She planted a kiss on his forehead and covered him up.

Shortly after, that’s when the day began to go south. Roman woke up extremely disoriented, something that hadn’t happened in nearly two months. He knew who he was and where he was, but he was so incredibly sluggish; he begged for water, so they gave him small sips, and then he tried to get up on his own but immediately slid down to the floor. He couldn’t seem to get his legs under him. When he tried to lay on Tony and go back to sleep, Lily knew he needed to get checked out. Tony called Dr. Gartland, who said it was probably just a side effect but told them to meet him in ER anyway. They agreed that Tony would go while Lily stayed behind.

She was worried about her oldest, and she knew she was feeling a little testy, so when Dean and Seth woke up an hour later and immediately began arguing about who got the last bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, she was possibly a bit more cranky than necessary when she handed them a box of Cheerios and told them it was that or nothing. Seth looked stunned. Dean looked wounded. Lily decided to take a shower. 

When she got out, she had a text from Tony.

_Roman pepped up big time on the way to the hospital, but they’re doing a CT scan anyway. I’ll keep you posted._

Lily heaved a sigh of relief; this was great news. With any head injury there was almost always regression; any number of things could cause Roman to wake up the way he   
had and nearly all of them would be no big deal in the end. She wrapped her hair in a towel and went out to tell Dean and Seth that it looked like Roman was doing better, only to find them arguing again.

This time, it was over who got to play which character on Halo.

Seriously, guys? Lily wanted to shout. Instead she sat down on the sofa between them.

“Okay. What’s going on? You two don’t act like this,” Lily said as calmly as she could.

“I don’t know; Dean’s being a giant JERK,” Seth snapped, pulling away from his mother’s arm.

“Seth, he’s worried about Roman just like you are,” Lily began, but Dean interrupted.

“I’m not worried. Roman’s fine.”

“He might not be; you don’t know!” Seth’s face was red; Lily could see that he was angry. She reached for him again, and this time, although he stiffened, he didn’t pull away.

“Seth. Baby. Breathe,” she instructed him. “I know we’re all a little tense---I am too, I know---but in this case, Dean’s right. Dad texted me and it looks like Roman’s okay. They’re just running some tests to be sure.”

It was like someone pulled the plug on Seth; he practically deflated and sagged against her.

“I’m scared, Mom,” he whispered.

“I know,” she replied. Lily turned to Dean. 

“And you can be scared, too; it’s okay. You don’t have to be so strong all the time---”

“Look. I said I’m not worried and I’m not,” Dean muttered.

“Okay. That’s okay too,” Lily replied, patting Dean’s knee. 

“Roman just ruins everything,” Dean said to his feet, so low that Lily almost didn’t hear him, though Seth sure did. He jumped to his feet.

“That was a crappy thing to say,” Seth accused.

“Guys---” Lily began.

“Well, it’s true,” Dean jumped to his feet as well. It looked for a moment as though they might start hitting each other.

“It’s because of Roman that we’re not in New York right now visiting Nonna, and it’s because of Roman that we’re sitting here arguing,” Dean’s face was red too, now.

“No, THAT’s because you’re a world class dick,” Seth retorted. Lily stood up between them.

“GUYS. LISTEN.” She knew her tone was sharp. 

“I know. I know we’re stressed. I think we need to just take a step back---”

“I’m going out to ride my bike,” Dean interrupted, turning and stalking towards the kitchen.

“Not until you talk to me about---” Lily began again, but Dean paid her no mind. He just grabbed his helmet from the laundry room and stormed out of the house.   
Lily sighed. 

She managed to talk Seth down over a lunch of leftover turkey on an open faced sandwich that was drowning in gravy.

“Bub. I know your brother made you angry, but who controls Seth’s actions and words?”

“I do. But Dean has to control himself too---”

“I’m not saying he was right, Seth. He shouldn’t have been rude to you. But you’re both concerned about your brother; I know he is even if he says he’s not. He’s not as good at talking about things. You know that. I don’t absolve him, bub. But you’re both guilty here, and I think when your brother gets back, you need to sit down and apologize.”

Seth was clearly calmer now, and he nodded his head.

“Okay. I’ll tell him. I didn’t mean to get so angry; I just am worried.”

“I know. Me too. But Roman will be fine. He and Daddy will be home any minute. Thank you, Seth, for being the mature one and discussing this with Dean.

Only, Dean didn’t come back.

At 3:30, Tony and Roman returned; by then Dean had been gone a little over two hours, but Lily wasn’t worried. It wasn’t unusual for him to grab his camera and head off around the property; it had been awhile since he’d gone out on his dirt bike, but that was his old standby before he discovered photography. Roman was definitely looking and acting better; Lily tucked him in to a cozy bed of pillows and blankets on the couch and Seth joined him and they watched a movie until Roman fell asleep.

By 5, it was getting dark and Dean still wasn’t back. Lily had already explained the events of the afternoon to Tony, who decided to go out on the golf cart and see if he could find their son. Dean had been mad, sure, but it wasn’t like him to stay gone for so long. An hour after Tony left, Lily decided to go out and look on foot, so she told Seth to stay put with Roman and she left with Gator in tow. She felt like she walked for hours, calling Dean’s name, and getting absolutely no response. Then she saw something.

Dean’s Bengals hat was on the ground, squished and muddy. Lily felt panic rise up in her chest; he’d been wearing this when he left. He’d have taken it off, she reasoned, to put on his bike helmet, but then how had it gotten all the way out here? She noticed then that there were tire tracks in the mud so she decided to follow them. She only made it about 300 yards, though, when she heard Tony coming from the opposite direction and when he came into view, what she saw made her heart skip a beat.

Dean’s bike was in the back of the cart, but there was no sign of Dean.

“Tony,” Lily was panicking again. Her heart began to pound. “Tony, where is he?”

“I don’t know,” Tony’s face was pale and his voice was just a whisper. “I found his bike but...he was nowhere near it. Lu…”

“Where is he?” Lily repeated; this had to be a bad joke. She was gonna kill that kid when she found him; that much was sure.

“Lu...I don’t know. I don’t think...he wouldn’t leave his bike.”

Tears filled Lily’s eyes.

“I didn’t see any sign of him though...if he fell and got hurt, he couldn’t have gotten far. Lu...I don’t know where he is.”

A strangled cry made its way out of Lily’s throat as their eyes met and she realized what Tony was saying.

Their baby was gone.


	52. Gone

Seth looked up as his mother flew into the house, grabbing her phone as she went. His blood ran cold when he heard her side of the conversation.

“We can’t find our son. He’s missing. He’s 15 years old...please, send help.”

Seth inhaled sharply, and Roman tried to get to his feet but fell back to the sofa. 

“What do you mean, you can’t find Dean?” Seth demanded, but one look from his mother silenced him.

“He’s about 6 feet tall...blue eyes, dark blond hair, kind of red if the light hits it just right...okay. Okay, thank you.” Lily set her phone down and slowly turned to face Roman and Seth.

“Mom? What’s going on?” Roman asked fearfully.

“We can’t find him,” Lily whispered.

“You can’t find him?” Seth was trying to understand. 

“We can’t find him,” Lily repeated. “Oh, God…”

“Mom, he’s probably just out on the property somewhere,” Roman began, but Lily shook her head. 

“No, no, no, Daddy found his bike. He found Dean’s bike.”

Seth had honestly never seen real terror in his mother’s eyes before, but that’s the best word he had for what he was seeing right now. And he understood; Dean must be out there hurt. He’d never leave his bike.

“Was the bike okay? I mean did it look like it had been in an accident or anything?” Seth demanded. His mother shook her head.

“Okay. I’m going to go look for him,” Seth said. Lily shook her head again.

“No, Mama, listen. The police are coming, right?” Lily nodded.

“Then you wait here with Roman and talk to them. I’ll help Dad look. I’ve got my phone. We’ll find him, Mom.” 

Except they didn’t.

Seth felt like they searched for hours. Actually, they probably did. Before long, he could hear other voices hollering “Dean? Dean Girardi!” It sounded strange, like an echo or something. It wasn’t a happy sound. Before much longer, Seth felt his phone vibrate. It was Dad.

  _Come on back, bub. We need to get together and regroup._

The hope that had begun to rise up in Seth was squandered immediately. They hadn’t found Dean. They were going to stop looking. Seth immediately shot a text back.

_Not until we find him._

Almost immediately, his phone rang.

“Dad---” Seth started to say, started to beg, started to remind his father that Dean would never ever give up on him, so he couldn’t give up on Dean. But his father interrupted.

“Listen to me, buddy,” Tony sounded exhausted. “We need a plan. It’s cold. I’m not saying we’re going to stop looking. I’m just saying we need to regroup, figure out what’s what, and quit running in circles. Okay?”

With a sigh, Seth reluctantly agreed.

The house was swarming with police officers and, to his surprise, FBI agents. Seth didn’t know a whole lot about what his father did but as far as he was aware, a missing teenager wasn’t a job for the FBI. Dad must’ve called in some favors. It made Seth feel mildly better to know that so much manpower was there and looking for his older brother, but his relief was short lived when he got a look at his mom. 

Lily was sitting on the couch holding Roman’s head in her lap, playing with his hair. Her eyes were swollen; she’d obviously been crying. But it wasn’t even that. The officer sitting across from her was asking her questions---no. He was interrogating her.

“He had a tumultuous childhood, correct?” The officer was clearly trying to pin this on Dean.

“Until he was 11. I’ve told you this already,” Lily sounded desperate and Seth’s heart sank.

“Mrs. Girardi…” The officer began again. 

“DOCTOR Girardi,” Lily snapped, patience shot.

“Right. Dr. Girardi,” Seth detected a smirk on the man’s face. “Dr. Girardi, you know that statistically, children who have been abused are far more likely to become runaways---”

“And YOU know, because I’ve told you a hundred times, that my son would NOT just run away. You have NO IDEA what my boys have overcome; you have NO CLUE who they are and what they’ve done. He’s gone. He didn’t leave. I don’t know what happened but I know that MY Dean would never just try to leave. He needs help. You have to find him. You have to help me find my baby,” tears poured down Lily’s cheeks as she pleaded with the cop.

“Mrs.---Dr. Girardi. I want you to think very carefully for a moment,” Officer Dumbass began. “I want you to think about your son. You say he ran out of here after an argument with his brother?”

“Yes.” Lily shuddered. “My husband had to take our oldest to the emergency room and they were worried about him---” Officer Dumbass cut her off.

“Dean is very volatile, is he not?”

“Dean is---no. I don’t think---I mean he’s very intense, yes, but volatile isn’t the word I’d use---” Again, the cop interrupted his mother. Seth felt anger rising.

“He’s kind of a loose cannon, isn’t he?”

“No. I don’t think he’s a loose cannon at all.”

“He’s unpredictable,” the officer continued. “You never know what he might do next. Right?”

“He---he’s---NO!” Lily shouted. “I knew he’d be upset about his brother being sick; he struggles with his feelings sometimes but he’s---”

“He’s dangerous,” the officer supplied. “He could have hurt your other sons at any time. You never knew when he might fly off the handle.”

“WHAT? NO!” Lily shrieked.

“Face it, he’s a difficult child, Dr. Girardi,” Officer Dumbass went on.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t love him,” Lily retorted.

“But you still have to protect the other two. You love them too, don’t you?”

Lily and Seth realized what was happening at the exact same time. Seth leaped to his feet, ready to do something dramatic, but Lily held up her hand.

“Ohhhh…” she whispered. “I see. You think I hurt my baby.”

Seth had heard enough.

“DAD!” He yelled, and Tony came running.

“Seth? What’s wrong?”

“This jerk faced loser just---Daddy, he just accused Mom of hurting Dean,” Seth was practically in tears, all of the emotions beginning to catch up. “Tell him, Daddy. Tell him Mama would never hurt us. Any of us.”

“Seth,” Tony wrapped his arms around him, and he sagged against his father. “Of course Mama didn’t hurt Dean, buddy. Of course not. Just calm down.”

“NO! I can’t calm down! TELL HIM!” Seth knew he sounded hysterical. He didn’t care, though.

Officer Dumbass turned away from Lily, who looked completely spent.

“Mr. Girardi,” he began. “You know as well as anyone that the majority of the time, if a child is abducted---and in this case I think that’s a HUGE if---it’s by someone they know, and in a high percentage of those cases, it’s one of the parents. Or...or both.”

Tony didn’t let go of Seth, but he squared his shoulders and looked the officer directly in the eye. When he spoke, Seth shivered; he’d never heard his father’s voice so full of malice.

“Your job,” Tony said quietly, “is to find my boy. Not to come in here and throw accusations at my wife and upset my sons. Unless you’re planning on charging my wife with something, feel free to leave now. Or I’ll have your badge.”

Officer Dumbass stood up and met Tony’s gaze.

“My apologies,” he said, though he didn’t sound apologetic whatsoever. “We’re going to do what we can to find your son. Until then...don’t go anywhere.”

And with that, he left the room. 

Seth was shaking violently now, and he felt like he might be sick. How anyone could think that his parents had done something to his brother was beyond him, but what if no one believed them? What if everyone blamed them? What if they went to jail? What would happen to him then?

He didn’t realize he was sobbing until he felt his father guide him into his mother’s arms, and then Tony sat down and wrapped his arms around all three of them.

“Bub. It’s okay, baby boy,” Lily murmured into Seth’s ear. “Dean’s out there somewhere. We’ll find him, bub. Don’t cry. We’re gonna find him.”

He wanted more than anything to believe her, but for the first time since Dean had disappeared out the door hours earlier, Seth was beginning to have his doubts.

 

______________________________

 

It was cold, and dark, and that’s about all Dean could tell you about where he was right then.

He had no idea what had happened.

One minute, he’d been speeding down one of the bike paths, furious with Seth but not really, really just terrified that something awful was going to happen to Roman. 

The next minute, he was...here.

Here appeared to be nowhere, and Dean wondered if he was no one. Why did his head hurt?

He thought back. What the hell? For a fleeting moment he thought maybe he had it but then---nope. Nothing.

He couldn’t tell if he was alone or not. And although it was cold and damp, he was pretty sure he was indoors. It felt like Dean’s brain was pulsing, an incessant tempo that refused to slow. It occurred to him that it matched his heartbeat. 

Dean didn’t feel scared, or even angry anymore. Actually, he didn’t feel much of anything except lost. WHERE was he? HOW did he get there?

He tried to flex his elbows and realized his joints felt stiff. God DAMN, his head hurt. He tried to sit up, and yeah. Even more stiff. He could do it; nothing seemed to be restraining him. Dean didn’t understand, though, why his body was so sore. He must have wrecked his bike. Yeah...that had to be it. He’d wrecked his bike and hit his head, and now he must be at the hospital and he was probably hallucinating. It didn’t smell like a hospital, nor had he ever been required to sleep on a hospital floor, but if he’d hit his head hard enough, he knew his mind could conjure up crazy things.

Dean couldn’t tell if his eyes were open or not, but he opted to lay back down anyway. He was so very tired, and so, so cold, and he thought if he could just sleep, maybe when he woke up things would seem more clear.

Because in his mind, he knew damn well he wasn’t in any hospital.

And he didn’t want to think about where he might be really.

When he woke up again, he was even more confused and sore than he had been before. Dean tried to stretch his legs, but they wouldn’t go very far. It wasn’t like he was tied up, though. More like something was beside him, preventing him from moving very much. He wondered if he had room to stand, but he knew before even attempting it that even if there was enough space, he doubted he’d be physically able to get to his feet.

It was around then that Dean got this vague feeling that he should probably be afraid. He wasn’t afraid, though. This couldn’t be good; he knew this. Everything he knew told him he should be panicking right now. So why wasn’t he? Dean didn’t know, but he curled up where he was and rested his head on his arm and within moments, he was asleep again.

 

______________________________

 

Tony gathered every flashlight he could find and put Seth in the golf cart with him; they were going to at least give it one more look. Their 100 acres of land could take days to scour completely, but by God, one way or another he was going to find his son.

He knew, was plagued with a certainty bigger than himself, that Dean hadn’t just run off on his family, but aside from that he didn’t have a logical explanation. Maybe Dean had fallen off his bike, but the complete lack of damage to the thing indicated otherwise. Maybe Dean had taken most of the brunt of it. Tony didn’t love this idea either, especially with it growing colder by the minute. It still seemed better than the other option though. Dean wouldn’t---couldn’t---just walk away from this family.

Seth was still understandably distraught, but he was doing his best to hold himself together. Lily hadn’t been thrilled that he and Tony were going back out, but Tony knew Seth needed to feel like he was doing...SOMETHING. And he knew the feeling. So he made sure Seth was bundled in sweatpants and a hoodie off they went. Lily stayed back with Roman, who’d fallen asleep, likely due to all of the stress of...everything. She’d been cradling his upper body in his arms, stroking his hair, letting the tears fall. Tony had never seen her more scared. 

As bad is it had been to lose the twins years before, this was 100 times worse. 

Pete Cimino, an agent who was also one of Tony’s closest friends, had stayed behind at the house with a few others to ask Lily a few more questions, but Tony knew he’d be gentle. They had to be careful; local police didn’t care for the Feds meddling uninvited, and this was technically not something the FBI would handle. But this was Tony’s son, dammit, and he was going to accept as much help as he could get. The more bodies out searching the woods, the better.

The lake was a nagging thought in the back of Tony’s mind. It was too cold for Dean to attempt to swim, and Dean knew that it was off limits to go into the lake alone. But if Dean had been in such a mindset that he just didn’t care...no. Tony wouldn’t go there; that would only make things worse. Dean was out there somewhere, and they were going to find him. They had to.

 

____________________________

 

The next time Dean woke, he found his head wasn’t pounding so hard anymore, so he tried to sit up.

A small wave of dizziness washed over him, but he didn’t have to lay back down, which was good. He sat there for long moments, taking deep, slow breaths. Where was he? Where were his parents? This was DEFINITELY no place that he was familiar with. It was still dark and damp, and it smelled of something vaguely familiar but Dean couldn’t quite place it. He leaned back against a wall and waited for his eyes to adjust. It didn’t take long before he could make out the outline of a door. He looked to his left and then to his right.

To the left, there was a large dark mass of something, a boiler maybe, or a large water heater. To the right there was another wall. He seemed to be in a corner. The hell? The door looked to be about 10 feet or so across the room. So the room, he surmised, probably wasn’t that big. He also could tell that he was in there alone.

But what was he DOING there? No matter how many details he managed to put into place, that was the one he couldn’t figure out, and it was a biggie. Dean decided he could stand, and he slowly got to his feet. 

He was able to stand up straight, and although he could see he had a clear view of the door, he instinctively held his hands out anyway to keep from bumping into something. Tentative feet moved slowly forward, but there didn’t seem to be anything obstructing his path. Dean moved sloth-like, partially because he was still a little dizzy, and partially because the truth was, he wasn’t 100% sure that he WANTED to know what was on the other side of that door. He was grappling with himself, actually. He still had no clue what had happened, but the scenarios running through his head were frightening.

Of course, there was always the possibility that he HAD injured himself on his bike and been found by some poor person who didn’t have a bed, so they put him on the floor in the corner of the boiler room. But being kidnapped by aliens seemed more feasible than that. 

After what seemed like an eternity, Dean reached the door and slowly, slowly rested his hand on the knob and turned.

It was locked.

He was locked in.

Finally, real, unadulterated fear began to settle over him, and then panic set in.

“Hello?” Dean called, knowing how terrified he sounded but not really caring. There was no response.

“Please?” He rattled the knob a little. “Is anyone out there?”

Again, no response, and Dean began to tremble. What was going on? He was locked in a room, an unfamiliar room, by someone he did not know. No way was this going to end well. Dean felt tears spring to his eyes, but he shook on the doorknob again.

“Let me out! Please, let me out!”

And then he heard something. It sounded like heavy footsteps, like the person doing the stepping was wearing clunky work boots. He felt the steps stop, and then all of a sudden, someone was pounding on the door from the other side, shaking it from its very foundation. With a shriek, Dean retreated back to his corner.

The door slowly creaked open, and light flooded the room. After being in the dark for so long, it hurt Dean’s eyes, and he covered them with his hands. The person in the doorway slowly ambled in Dean’s direction, and Dean squeaked in fear. Then he heard an unfamiliar voice.

“Well, well, well. Look who’s awake.”


	53. Placing the Blame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, we're about to hit 6,000 hits. Guys, when I started, I seriously had no intention of this story getting so big so quickly, and for a bit I worried that it would be so long that people would lose interest, but we're still getting about 200 hits with every chapter. So thank you for that, thank you so much!
> 
> Just FYI: the language in this one is pretty strong in some spots, and it does involve abuse of a minor, so if either of those things is a trigger for you, I might skim it.

Dean started to tremble. He couldn’t get a clear look at the man standing in front of him, but he knew he had never heard that voice before. It was rough and cold, deep. Roman’s voice was deep too, but his was caring and warm. 

“What...why am I here?” Dean whispered. 

“Get up,” was the man’s only response. When Dean didn’t immediately comply, the man stormed over and pulled Dean to his feet by his hair. A sharp cry left Dean’s lips, but then anger surged through him. Who was this, and why did he think he could treat Dean this way? 

He made an attempt to slap the man’s arm away, but that was a mistake. He just gripped Dean’s hair tighter. White hot pain seared through his head. He tried to wrench himself away, but that just made it all worse. 

“You’d better fucking quit,” the man said. 

“Leave me alone!” Dean begged. “My parents have money; they’ll give you anything you want, I swear, just please let me go.”

The man laughed. It was a bitter sound, like the gag at the back of someone’s throat when they vomited. It made Dean cringe.

“Yeah...they sure do have money,” the man spat. “If I’d known just how rich those bitches are, I’d have come for you a lot sooner.”

“They aren’t bitches!” Anger surged through Dean again, and he attempted to struggle some more, but he was so weak and his head hurt and all he managed to do was slap the man, who growled and flung him to the ground. The next thing Dean knew, hard kicks were landing on his back.

“I told you to fucking QUIT IT,” the man roared. “You stupid piece of shit! You EVER do that again and you’re dead. Do you understand me? I’ll kill you and I won’t lose a second of sleep over it either. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?”

He was irate, and the stomps just kept on coming, and Dean curled up into a ball, trying to deflect the blows. The pain was miserable, and he began to cry, which only served to make the man even angrier. 

“SHUT UP!” 

The rage was unfamiliar and awful; it had been so long since the last time Dean was treated this way, and he never thought he’d have to revisit this part of his life again. He cried harder, and still the man didn’t let up, and then out of nowhere, mercifully, there was a woman’s voice.

“Brad. BRAD. Knock it off!”

The man (Brad?) bore down on Dean, but he stopped kicking him. Dean just lay there curled up as tight as he could, shaking and sobbing. He coughed, and tasted something metallic. Blood. He was coughing up blood.

“He slapped me,” Brad muttered, still hovering over Dean’s prone body looking for all the world as though he could start beating on him again at any moment.

“So? He’s a fucking teenager, and you ain’t gonna get a dime for him if he’s dead, you idiot.”

Dean didn’t recognize her voice either.

Brad finally hoisted Dean up to his feet and dragged him back into the small room, and flung him into the corner. A moment later, the woman was kneeling by his side, wiping the blood off his face with a towel that smelled of sweat. Dean gagged.

“Hey, you little asshole, cut that out. I’m not gonna let him kill you, but I’m not cleaning up your puke either.”

“Please…” Dean managed to choke out. “Water. Please.” 

“Get him some water, Brad,” the woman demanded, before turning back to him. “You better stop that little baby crying right now, or he’s gonna come after you again.”

“Please…” Dean moaned again, and the woman glared at him. His head was swimming so badly that he couldn’t even clearly see her face, and she was three feet away from him. He could make out dark hair and he didn’t THINK he knew who she was, but right then, he didn’t know anything anymore, except that he was going to die in this place, this miserable place.

“I can’t even believe I let you talk me into this,” the woman muttered as Brad came back into the room with Dixie cup of water. He handed it to her, and she tried to hand it to Dean, but his hands were shaking so hard that it began to slosh all over.

“Better not waste that. It’s all you’re getting tonight,” Brad snapped. He turned to the woman. “You know damn well why you let me talk you into this, Tina. You want to move out of this place and have a bunch of fancy shit, and you can’t do no better than me, so kidnap the kid it was.”

“Kidnap him and get ransom, asshole,” Tina retorted; she held the cup to Dean’s lips. “Beating him bloody all over my house wasn’t part of the damn plan.” 

They were too busy arguing to notice that Dean had finished the water sank to the floor, still sobbing silently, eyes squeezed shut. That was, until Tina stood, slapped Brad, and stormed out of the room.

“I thought I told you to quit that pussy crying, boy,” Brad growled, staring down at Dean with a look of utter contempt on his face. “Those bitches who took you in sure as hell better make this worth my while. If they even WANT you back.”

Dean shuddered. Of COURSE his parents would want him back. They’d be out looking for him right now. His father, like a knight in shining armor, would storm into this awful place, probably shoot Brad, scoop Dean up, and carry him home. There, his mother would hold him, plaster his face in kisses, and make the hurt go away. That was all he wanted. He just wanted to go home and not hurt. It didn’t seem like too much to ask.

“Please,” he whispered again. Brad looked him square in the eyes, and for the first time Dean realized he’d seen those eyes before, though he had no idea where.

“Please WHAT?” Brad snarled.

“Please,” whispered Dean once again. “Please, I just want my mom.”

Brad’s next words chilled him to the bone.

“You just want your mom. Aww. Shoulda thought of that. ‘Cuz your mom’s dead, you little piece of shit, and it’s all your fault.”

Dead? No. Lily couldn’t...she couldn’t be. 

Brad said nothing else, just turned and walked away, slamming the door behind him, engulfing the terrified boy in darkness. Dean heard the lock turn. 

Mom was dead.

He was alone. 

Dean’s body was wracked with sobs again as he curled up into a ball. He cried until he didn’t feel anything anymore. He cried until he stopped caring about being alone in the dark. He cried until eventually, his body succumbed to the exhaustion and fear, and he passed out.

 

Roman was still a bit out of it from the episode earlier, and the meds he’d been given at the hospital, and he didn’t know quite what was going on. He was vaguely aware that something was wrong with Dean, but he wasn’t sure exactly what that might be. He woke up to his mama staring down into his face, tears still running down her cheeks. It still didn’t click though. She managed a meager smile when he opened his eyes.

“I love you, kiddo,” she whispered. “I’ve got you. We’re gonna be okay, Ro.”

“I know,” he mumbled, still confused as to why she was crying or what she meant.

Her watery blue eyes still held his gaze and he snuggled closer to her, which elicited a quiet sob from her.

“What’s the matter, Mama?” Roman was so groggy. He felt Lily’s hand in his hair. 

“Shh...nothing, my baby,” she whispered softly. “I just need you to know that I love you, kiddo. I just...I love you.”

Even Roman could tell that his mom was acting strangely, but the why of it was lost on him. She tightened her arms around him and he felt a cozy warmth spread over him. 

After awhile, Dad and Seth came in and neither of them looked right, either. Pete, a good friend of their family, approached Tony and let him by the elbow to the kitchen while Seth sank into the big recliner. Seth, Roman noticed, was shivering violently, despite the warm clothes he was wearing. Roman wondered if it was cold in the house and maybe he just couldn’t feel it.

“Bub?” Lily said quietly.

Seth just shook his head. 

“I couldn’t find him,” he whispered. 

“I know,” Lily whispered back.

Couldn’t find who? Roman wanted to ask, but both his mom and brother seemed so distraught that it just didn’t seem right to question them. Plus he wasn’t 100% sure he could form the words. But Dean would get a real kick out of the way they were acting. Where was he, anyway?

Wait a sec.

Someone was missing. Something was wrong with Dean. Dean wasn’t there. Dean was---

“Where’s Dean?” Roman groaned suddenly. Lily’s face contorted and Seth’s crumbled.

“We’re going to find him, Ro. We are,” Lily whispered.

“Where is he?” Roman repeated, still bewildered but catching on by the second.

“Shh…” Mama whispered. “Okay. Calm down, baby. Just calm---”

“Where IS HE?!” In Roman’s agitation, he didn’t realize that Seth was beginning to breathe hard.

“Roman,” tears continued to pour down Lily’s cheeks as she tried to calm him, but Roman was having none of that.

“Where’s Dean? Where’s my brother?” Lily planted a kiss on Roman’s forehead.

“We’re going to find him, baby. Kiddo, we’re gonna...he’s gonna be fine. We’re all going to be fine.” Tears started to slide down Roman’s cheeks. Lily began to cry harder. And then suddenly, Seth just started to scream.

“HE’S GONE!” Seth shrieked. “He’s gone and it’s my fault. It’s all my fault.”

Seth leaped to his feet, then sat down, then leaped to his feet again. Then he sank to his knees. With Roman across her lap, she couldn’t get to Seth.

“Tony?” Roman heard his mother yell over Seth’s anguished wails. Their father ran into the room so fast he knocked over an end table right as Seth collapsed all the way to the floor. 

“No. No, no, no. It’s my fault, Daddy,” he sobbed. Tony tried to lift him into his arms, but Seth was writhing, jerking, trying to shake loose and Tony couldn’t get a good grip on him. 

“Seth. It’s not. It’s not your fault.” Tony finally just sat down beside him and patted his arm. “You didn’t do anything wrong, son.”

“Daddy,” Seth wailed.

“Shhhh...I know, buddy. I know.”

“Daddy, where is he?” Seth was begging; Roman could hear it in his voice. Never in his life had he wanted more to protect his brother than he did right then, but he just couldn’t make his body move. It was the most awful, helpless feeling. He didn’t know what had happened, but he knew it couldn’t possibly be Seth’s fault. There was just no way.

“Seth,” Roman held his hand out as he murmured his brother’s name. Seth looked up at him from the floor, face swollen, brown eyes desperate. His skin was mottled and red and he was still just gasping.

“Come here,” Roman said. Seth just looked at him, still crying desolately.

“Come here,” Roman repeated. Seth shook his head.

“Please,” Roman whispered. 

With a strangled moan, Seth crawled across the floor towards his oldest brother. When he got close enough Roman touched his face, then his arm, helping him up until Seth was half on the floor, half on the couch, resting his head on Roman’s stomach.

“Daddy and Mama will find him,” Roman said. It was all he could muster and for the millionth time, he cursed his stupid brain for not being able to say all of the things he wanted to tell Seth right then.

“They will,” he whispered instead. 

Seth continued to sob against Roman, but Tony moved closer until he was kneeling beside them, rubbing Seth’s back and shoulders. 

“I did this,” Seth whimpered again, looking into Roman’s eyes.

“No. Not your fault,” Roman replied. He reached out and patted the back of his brother’s head. Their parents just watched. Lily reached a hand out, smoothing Seth’s hair back out of his eyes. 

“Not your fault,” Roman whispered again. Seth said nothing, but before much longer, he slowly sagged off of Roman and into their father’s waiting arms. 

“It’s okay, buddy,” Dad murmured, holding Seth tight. “It’s okay, Seth. I’ve got you. We’re going to find Dean and we’re going to get through this.”

 

Tony wasn’t entirely sure he believed that, but what else could he say? Of course it wasn’t Seth’s fault; brothers fought. Hell, Tony and his brother Joe, who was the closest to him in age, barely spoke to each other from the time Tony started high school until Joe went off to college two years later. With only a year and three days separating Roman and Seth, and Dean falling smack dab in the middle, one of the things that made Tony the most proud was how close his boys were. They shared a bond that no one and nothing would ever be able to break.

Neither would this, but seeing Seth in this state made everything feel twice as awful.

Honestly, while storming out maybe wasn’t the best idea, Tony couldn’t blame Dean either. They’d always taught the boys to communicate with words and if you couldn’t you took a time out. How was anyone, least of all Seth, to know that a time out would lead to this? Whatever this was.

Eventually his youngest son cried it out until he was just limp in Tony’s lap, halfway between awake and oblivion. He looked over at Lily and Roman. Their oldest wasn’t sleeping, but he was laying against his mother’s shoulder now, staring off, but clearly unseeing. Lily stroked his hair and he blinked every so often but he seemed to be in a daze. Lily herself just looked completely spent. Tony knew he wasn’t going to get any sleep that night, but he also knew he needed to take care of his family. 

“Think we should get these boys to bed?” Tony asked her quietly. Lily shook her head.

“I’m not letting them out of my sight,” she whispered. “Ever. Not even when they’re 40.” And right then, Tony could tell she was dead serious. 

“They can sleep our bed,” he replied. After some hesitation, she nodded. 

Slowly, carefully, he lifted Seth up into his arms and carried him into their bedroom. Then he went into Seth’s room and pulled the blanket off of Seth’s bed. He always needed a cocoon to sleep in, probably always would. It didn’t seem to matter what blanket, but Tony had a notion that his own might be a little comforting. He tucked it around his boy.

When he returned to the living room, Roman was still laying on Lily, and she was resting her cheek on the top of his head. 

“I’m just so tired,” she murmured to Tony, and her voice sounded defeated.

“I know. It’s okay. Roman?” Tony gently took his son’s arm.

“Hmmm?” Yup, definitely dazed. Probably exhausted. His parents helped him sit up. 

“Come on, buddy. You’re too big for me to carry, but let’s get you to bed anyway.”

He helped Roman to his feet and bore quite a bit of his weight, but Roman stepped carefully and they made it to the bed. He supported him as he got him in and Roman’s eyes closed almost as soon as his head found a pillow and his breathing evened out. He was asleep. Tony watched, a small smile on his lips as the boy rolled over and unconsciously threw an arm over his little brother.

When he returned to the living room for his wife she was crying again, deep, shuddering sobs that he knew she’d been working hard to conceal from their boys. Tony scooped her into his arms and sat down on the couch and just held on.

“I want my baby,” she finally managed to whisper into his neck.

“Lu, I know. I know, but...the best people in the whole world are looking for him. They’re out scouring the property for him right now. Pete got an Amber Alert started. Lu...Lulu...I love you. I love you so much. We’ve gotta hang on. Someone somewhere knows where he is. We’ll find him. We’ll find him, baby. We will. Don’t give up. Okay? You can’t give up. We can’t give up on Dean.”

It took a few minutes but Lily finally stopped shaking and she looked up at him.

“I know. I’m not giving up on him. He’s the toughest of the bunch. He’s strong. Girardi strong. I just...I can’t quit this...I just have this feeling, T. It’s strange, right? But I can feel Dean.”

“It’s not strange. I don’t think it’s strange at all. You’re his mother.” 

“He’s afraid,” she said. 

“I’m sure he probably is, but---”

“No. Tony, I’m telling you. That’s what I feel. He’s afraid. We’ve got to find him. Soon. Tough as he is...he’s afraid.” Lily’s eyes misted for a moment, but then she stood up. 

“Will you get a few bottles of water in case the boys need it?” 

He nodded and headed for the kitchen as she retreated towards their bedroom. Pete and two other agents were sitting around the table, all tapping away at laptops. Tony really appreciated that they’d given his family some privacy that evening, and he told them as much. Pete stood up and clasped Tony’s shoulder.

“You’re as good as my brother,” he said quietly. “You just take care of Lily and Roman and Seth okay? We’re going to find Dean, Tony. We will. I know it’s useless to tell you to try not to worry...but try. Okay?”

Tony shook his head.

“Impossible. But...if anyone can find my kid, it’s you. Thanks, Pete.”

“You’re welcome. I’m serious, pal. Take care of you and Lily and those boys. I’ll take care of this. That’s a promise.”

Tony considered chastising Pete for making a promise he definitely might not be able to keep, but he decided to let it slide.

He grabbed two bottles of water and slipped into the bedroom, turning out the lights as he did so. The only light in the room came from the lamp on Lily’s nightstand. She was curled around Seth with her arm draped across him and resting on Roman, her hand on his elbow. She was almost asleep; Tony could tell. He kissed her cheek softly. 

“I love you,” he whispered into her ear and he barely heard her mumble,

“I love you too.”

Tony set the water on his own nightstand and climbed into bed beside Roman. He still knew he wouldn’t sleep, but the sight of his oldest and his youngest snuggled up with their mother did calm him slightly. He couldn’t help but wonder something, though. With four people crammed so tightly into a bed, how was it possible for that bed to still feel so very empty?


	54. The Bond

Was it possible to wake up more tired than you were when you went to sleep? Because Lily was pretty sure she was when she got up the next morning. She’d lost count of how many times Seth woke up during the night, and when he did, he clung to her like a baby orangutan keeping a tight grip on its mother. She’d smooth his hair back, pat him, whisper soft, soothing words into his ear. And he’d always go back to sleep in just minutes; never did he cry, scream, or get overly upset, but any attempt from Tony to comfort him was met with Seth stiffening and trying to scoot away. 

It wasn’t that she minded. Under normal circumstances she loved snuggling with her baby, and under normal circumstances, he wasn’t nearly as into that as he had once been. Every so often, Seth would wake in the night and somehow, Lily would always just know. She couldn’t even say the last time he had a nightmare, but still, she always knew. And she’d go to his room to find him huddled under his covers, not upset but not sure what had made him wake up, and then he’d gladly snuggle into her arms. She would love on him until he went back to sleep, and then she’d return to bed.

Really, the progress Seth had made in just over three years was amazing; everyone said so, and his relationship with Tony was great. So his apparent avoidance of his father’s attempts at comfort made zero sense. But Lily decided she couldn’t worry about that right then. 

In the forefront of her mind was this constant nagging feeling that Dean was terrified. For awhile during the night that feeling had abated somewhat, though it never completely went away. Wherever he was, Lily was 100% certain that he was no longer on their property---she just had no idea why she knew it.

She wondered if he was cold, or hungry, or in pain. She somehow suspected it was all three. 

At 6 Lily stopped fighting it and just got up. Tony hadn’t slept, she didn’t think. Every single time Seth had wrapped her in a death grip, he’d been awake already. Roman, the heaviest sleeper on the planet, only woke up about half the time. 

She went into the kitchen, intent on starting a pot of coffee, and was surprised to find Pete Cimino sitting at her kitchen table staring at his computer. There was fresh coffee in the pot and without speaking she poured herself a cup and sat down across from him.

Pete and his wife Meredith had been good friends of the Girardi’s for a long time. He and Tony had trained at Quantico together way back before Houston and marriage and families had even been a glimmer in either of their eyes. They’d been delighted to get sent to Texas together, and Pete had been in their wedding. He and his wife had seven children, which for a few years was a bone of contention with Lily; try as she might, she just couldn’t get past the jealousy for awhile there.

Things were better since Roman arrived, and Lily was able to break down that wall and repair her relationship with Meredith again. They didn’t see as much of each other as they’d like, but they spoke often and texted daily, usually with some antic one of their children had been up to.

Pete was so engrossed in whatever he was doing that he didn’t even realize Lily had entered the room until she sat down. He smiled warmly at her when he looked up.

“You hanging in there?” Pete asked.

“Trying,” she replied. “Pete, can I ask you something?”

“You know it,” he answered. “Shoot.”

“Okay. How much trouble am I in here?”

Pete looked at her quizzically.

“I’m not sure I see what you mean,” he said slowly.

“I mean the locals think I had something to do with it,” Lily responded. “That much is clear. And they’re already not too happy that you’re here. So how far are they going to push this?”

Pete set his coffee down and looked at her.

“You know that some of that was legit routine questioning, but that guy yesterday? He was completely out of line. He’s been reported. The people who matter know you’d never hurt Dean, and the people who matter know that Dean wouldn’t run away. We’re working on it, Lily. I’ve got the best people looking for him.”

“Yeah...thanks for that,” Lily murmured into her cup.

“Any time,” Pete said softly back.

Lily got up and went to the windows, which overlooked their property. The sun was just starting to come up. Off in the distance, she could see the beam of a flashlight in the woods, and while she was still full of despair, her heart did swell just a little for the people who were helping her find her baby boy. 

“I love him,” she finally whispered.

“I know you do. Of course you do,” Pete stood up and approached Lily and pulled her into a hug. She sagged. Then she sighed.

“Pete. Peter, I just...I don’t know if it’s instinct or maybe I’m just crazy but...I don’t think Dean is on our property. I don’t have a damn clue WHERE Dean is but I just...he didn’t fall off his bike. He’s not lying there injured. And I know...that either means he left or...or that someone took him. And I don’t know which sounds worse. And I’m also an FBI agent’s wife and I know...I know that if a child is abducted, and he’s not found within 24 hours, then the odds of us finding him at all dwindle. And I can’t...that can’t happen. But I don’t know how to make it stop.”

The thing was, Lily wasn’t hysterical or even crying. Her words were very matter of fact. She wasn’t giving up, not by a long shot. But she knew, knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they were running out of time.

She sighed again and picked up her coffee and went out to the back porch. It was chilly, and she shivered, but she sat down anyway. She thought about Dean. She thought hard.

“Don’t give up, sweetie,” she willed herself to make him feel her, the way she knew she could somehow feel him. “Hang on, baby. Just hang on. We’re going to find you. I love you. I love you. Mama loves you so very much. Just hold on.”

 

Dean had no way of knowing what time it was in that awful, cold, windowless room. He woke up often during the night, his sleep restless. Every part of his body was crying out in pain, and he just couldn’t stop his tears. Was she really dead? And if she was, what had happened? There was no way for him to know. 

At one point, he mustered up every ounce of energy he had left and reached for the blanket that had been thrown at him after he’d been tossed like old garbage into the corner. He pulled it up around him. It was too thin to do much good but anything was better than nothing.

After awhile Dean woke up and it was clear he wouldn’t be able to get himself to succumb again. He had to pee, he was desperately thirsty, and there was still no part of him that didn’t hurt. The worst pain was in his heart, though. He wanted his parents. He wanted his brothers. He wanted to know that Roman was doing better and he wanted, more than anything, to apologize to Seth.

What if he never saw them again?

Brad had said that he was going to ask for ransom, sure. And Dean had no doubts that his father would pay it somehow. But Brad, whoever he was, and Tina too, didn’t exactly seem to be the most trustworthy people. And he’d seen it in Brad’s eyes last night---he’d been out to kill him or at least seriously injure him and he would have too, if Tina hadn’t intervened. There was no guarantee of survival. He had to figure out how to get away from this.

Right then, there was absolutely no way he could escape. Dean had had broken ribs before, twice, both from bike mishaps, and they hurt like a bitch, and he was pretty sure he had a couple now. Before, they’d healed after he’d laid low and used bags of ice and Mama had given him Tylenol.

Mama.

Every time she crept into his thoughts, he felt waves of pain and nausea wash over him. She was gone. He would never see her again. She had been his beacon since he was eleven years old; part of the standard to which he’d held himself to. Lily had taken him in when his own mother had done the unspeakable. She’d cared for him when he was sick, hurt, scared, angry---no matter what he’d done, she’d loved him. How had it happened? Dean wished more than anything that he could remember the night before. 

The thoughts rolling through his head were horrific.

If Lily was gone and Brad knew about it, he almost had to be involved in her death somehow, because she’d been just fine the last time Dean had seen her. So Brad had killed her. That bastard killed his mom. And he was right; it was all Dean’s fault. If she’d died trying to protect him, if she’d left Roman and Seth for him, and here Dean was anyway...what a waste.

He stopped thinking then and let the tears wash over him once more; sobs pouring out of him from the depths of his soul. Brad had to be wrong. He just had to be. He had to be lying. Or maybe he’d hurt his Mama somehow and only thought she was gone. But Dean didn’t really believe that.

Suddenly, as Dean laid there and sobbed, he felt a sense of soft peace wash over him. He had no idea where it’d come from but it was like his brain reset. There was a presence, or an aura, or just...just a feeling or...something. He felt himself start to relax. He had to hang on. He couldn’t give up. For his father, for his brothers, and even for his Mama, gone or not. He absolutely couldn’t give up.

The door creaked open and Dean tensed as he turned his head to who was there but Tina entered the room and he relaxed a tiny bit. She turned on a light, but it was dim and the room was still dark and bathed in shadows. Tina looked down at him.

“Brought you somethin’” was all she said before she tossed a bottle of water at Dean.

He was weak and shaking, and it took what felt like forever for him to pick up the bottle, open it, and take a sip. Nothing had ever tasted more wonderful, but it didn’t take long for more nausea to wash over him; he couldn’t drink much. 

“I’ll get you another blanket,” Tina muttered, leaving the room. She left the door open but Dean didn’t even attempt to get up. He wasn’t at all sure that he could get his legs under him. 

When Tina returned with the blanket, one that, Dean noticed gratefully, was considerably heavier than the first, Dean took a chance.

“I---I need the restroom,” he whispered, not making eye contact. He could feel Tina beside him.

“Yeah...yeah, okay,” she said shortly. “Use the bucket in that corner.”

“Okay...but...I don’t think I can get up,” Dean’s voice was still a whisper and he still cast his eyes down, partly due the pain he was in and partly because this was humiliating, and it just didn’t seem fair to throw embarrassment on top of everything else he was feeling. Regardless of the situation he was in, he didn’t want Tina to watch him pee.

“More trouble than you’re worth,” Tina muttered, but she brought Dean the bucket and helped him sit up. 

Dean took another chance.

“Don’t...don’t watch.”

And something happened that Dean did not expect. Tina laughed.

“Don’t worry,” she said wryly, and she turned away.

Dean forced himself to get to his knees and pull his pants down as quickly as he could because he didn’t want Tina to change her mind, and he REALLY didn’t want Brad to show up and find him that compromising position.

He relieved himself and he felt much better. He managed another sip of water again before laying back down on the hard floor and covering himself up with the new, warm blanket. He expected Tina to leave him alone again but for whatever reason, she didn’t.

Neither of them spoke. Dean had calmed down considerably and was even starting to feel warm and...okay. Not comfortable; no way was THAT going to happen. But at least he wasn’t freezing anymore. He began to doze, and still Tina sat there, but then they both jumped when they heard a door slam.  
Brad was back.


	55. The Next Step

When Roman woke up the day after Dean disappeared, he realized right away that he was in their parents’ bed and that Seth was beside him. He briefly wondered where Dean was---then it all came flooding back.

Dean wasn’t there.

Roman’s heart sank. There had to be something...something he could do. He debated whether to rouse Seth, but then he remembered the state Seth had been in last night and he decided against it. He dragged himself out of the bed and to the bathroom, and then out to the living room, where he found his father talking to Pete and three other agents.

“Where’s Mom?” Roman asked.

“Out on the patio,” Tony replied softly. “Why don’t you go see if she wants to talk?”

“Is she okay?” His Dad didn’t look too happy.

“She’s...she’s as okay as she can be, but I think she could maybe use a hug from you or Seth,” Tony answered.

Roman and Honey Badger went outside, the chill hanging in the air giving Roman goosebumps. Mom was wrapped in a blanket with a cup of coffee, just staring off into the distance.

“Mama?” Roman said quietly.

“Huh? Oh---hi, Ro,” Lily murmured.

Roman sat down in the chair beside her, and she looked at him.

“What’re you doing?” Roman asked gently.

“Just...trying to think about Dean. I feel like...like if I try hard enough, I can maybe get him to feel my thoughts. Crazy huh?”

Roman thought it was actually the least crazy thing he’d ever heard. 

“No. Maybe I could try it too…” he answered.

Lily smiled then, a sad smile.

“You...yeah. Yeah, you should. You know how much your brother loves you right?” It was more of a statement than a question, but Roman answered anyway.

“Of course. And I love him. And as soon as he’s home, I’ll tell him again.”

“He’s going to come home,” Mom said resolutely.

“I know,” Roman replied. Lily took his hand and squeezed, but she didn’t say anything more. Together they stared out at the woods and the lake. Then Roman laid his head on Lily’s shoulder and sighed. He felt her gently kiss his forehead.

“So what do we do now?” Roman asked. Lily wrapped her arm around him.

“We wait. And we pray. The local cops are still stuck on him either being lost on our property somewhere or being a runaway, but Pete and the others have an Amber Alert out and they have a tip line set up. If he’s been...if somebody took him, then we pray they call and ask for money and end this now,” Lily answered.

“Do...you have enough money right?” Roman hated to ask this.

“We’ll make it work, kiddo. For our boys? We’ll do whatever we need to do.”

Roman sighed. 

“There has to be something else, Mom. Something besides just sitting and waiting.”

“Ro...I know the feeling. But...I don’t think he’s on the property. They’ve almost finished searching all of it. And beyond that...unless someone calls in a tip...it’s like a needle in a haystack. So the best thing we can do is let the professionals handle it and just...just pray.”

There was a long pause and then Roman asked the question that paralyzed him with fear.

“Mama...do you think we’ll find him? Will we find Dean alive?”

Lily squeezed Roman tighter.

“Yes. We’ll find him alive. He’s out there, Ro. We’ve just...we’ve just gotta figure out where.

 

___________________________________________________

 

Dean shrank back into the corner of his tiny room as Brad’s large silhouette appeared in the door.

“The Hell are you doing, Tina?” Brad demanded. 

“Kid’s gotta have water, don’t he?” Tina snapped. “Besides, hell if I knew when you were coming back.”

“Little piece of shit got thirsty, huh? Little bastard. Rich little bastard. How much do you think his ass is worth?” Dean could feel Brad’s eyes on him and suddenly he felt dirty, sullied, like he was some kind of piece of meat instead of a nearly 16-year-old boy. 

“He’s a good kid; his parents’ll pay a pretty penny,” Tina replied. “Hey---you hungry, kid?”

Dean shook his head; the thought of food made his stomach lurch. He knew if he was to get out of this he’d have to eat eventually or he’d never regain his strength and then how could he fight back and run? But right now his body still hurt and he was still so tired. He was completely determined not to give up; that much was for sure. However his emotions still rolled over him like choppy waves. He wanted more than anything to be wrapped in a blanket in his mom’s arms back at home in his comfy bed.

“He can’t be that good a kid,” Brad muttered, still looking Dean over. But rather than saying anything else, he just turned and left the room, Tina at his heels.

The beauty of it was, Brad had no idea. Dean wasn’t “that good a kid,” had never been “that good a kid,” but he knew damn well that it didn’t matter. His father would pay, dammit. He WOULD. 

Dean curled up under the blanket, closed his eyes, and let his mind drift to a different place, one that hadn’t happened yet, but that would. He didn’t let himself feel or think or consider that he may not even be present for this:

_It was his 16th birthday. He wanted to eat dinner at Emilio’s because they had all the King crab legs you could eat, along with whatever other seafood you wanted to order off the menu. So basically, he intended to eat crab legs until he exploded and then top it off with bacon-wrapped shrimp, swordfish piccata, and lobster spaghetti. Gluttonous? Sure. But a guy only turned 16 once. Later, he would go home and open gifts surrounded by his family, and then---oh, and then---he knew what was going to happen.  
Ever since Roman had been given a Jeep for his 16th, Dean knew what he wanted---a Ford F-150. With leather interior, heated seats, and in red, thank you very much. He’d been practicing driving meticulously, and he was ready for his truck. His father would drive it up. His mother would present him with the keys. And then he’d drive off, with Roman and Seth of course, and they’d cruise the highway and laugh and joke and then he’d show up at school the next day. All the girls would flock to him. He’d be the most popular guy in school. And then---_

\---Dean’s reverie was shattered when he heard the door slam. It was Tina, holding a plate of runny eggs. 

“Here. Gotta eat,” she set the plate down beside him.

He regarded her with lidded eyes.

Why was she being so nice to him? Did she honestly think that he was going to make small talk with her, eat her food, ACCEPT her, when she’d taken place in his kidnapping? And possibly the death of his---

Dammit. There came the tears again.

“Look...crying’s not going to get you anywhere,” Tina said. 

“I want to go home,” Dean whispered.

“Well...this is home for now,” she replied. “Til Brad decides how much he wants and makes a few phone calls. Better just hope your parents miss you as much as they’re gonna need to.”

 

_______________________________________________

 

Seth curled up in his parents’ bed and shivered; why was he so cold all of a sudden? He opened his eyes and that’s when he realized he was alone. 

Dean was still gone, and now the rest of his family was too. Fitting. His father and Roman had said it---it wasn’t his fault. But what else were they supposed to say really? ‘You did it, Seth. It’s all because of you.’ He wondered if the truth would’ve hurt as badly out loud as it did inside his head. 

There was a heavy feeling in the pit of Seth’s stomach. Dean---where on Earth was he? Seth closed his eyes again and pulled his blanket up to his ear. Tears welled up in his eyes. If only he’d been a better brother. If only he hadn’t yelled. He should’ve just rolled with it; he knew Dean was emotional and he needed his space. The tears began to fall, and they fell hard.

Seth felt the bed dip as someone sat down next to him. Then he felt a soft hand on his face. Mama. She blamed him; he knew this. Last night, when Dad and Roman had been trying to convince him otherwise, Mom had said nothing. Mom wouldn’t lie to him. Every time he’d awoken during the night, he’d grabbed ahold of her, desperate for her comfort, and she hadn’t pulled away. But she hadn’t said anything either. Seth didn’t even know at this point what he wanted her to say. And nothing would help anyway.

“Bub,” her voice was soft, her touch gentle as she ran her hand down his back. “Oh, bub. Come here.”

But Seth just shook his head and curled up tighter. 

“I know you’re scared,” she murmured. “I am too.”

“I-I-I…” Seth stuttered. He was trying to tell her how sorry he was; to apologize for doing something that had caused her this fear, but the words just wouldn’t come out around his deep sobs. 

“Shh...oh, my baby,” she continued to rub his back. Then she snuggled up closer to him and gently rolled him to the other side. “Come here. I’ve got you. Come here, Seth.”

And Seth did, because suddenly he wanted nothing more than for her to hold him and just make it all go away, no matter how much he had screwed up. Lily enveloped him in her arms, pressed her lips to his forehead, and wrapped the blanket around them both. 

It took him a good half hour to calm down enough to say what he wanted to say.

“I’m sorry, Mama. I’m so, so, so sorry,” he whimpered into her neck. She was still stroking his spine, smoothing her other hand through his longish curls. 

“Why, Seth William, what on Earth? Why are you sorry, bub?” Lily held him tighter, which only served to make him cry harder.

“Seth...baby? You know this...oh, bub,” understanding flushed his mom’s face.

“You did not do this,” she murmured into his ear.

“Y-yes, y-y-yes, b-because---” he tried to tell her, tried to explain, but she interrupted him.

“No. No, no, no,” Lily’s voice was firmer now, still loving and gentle, but it was the tone she used when she was not playing.

“Yes,” Seth whispered.

“No,” Lily replied.

“But if I hadn’t---”

“You didn’t.”

“I’m a horrible brother, Mommy,” Seth moaned.

“You aren’t. Roman and Dean love you. You guys argued. It happens.”

“I ran him off. He ran away because of me. And now---” but again, Seth’s mother interrupted.

“Seth William Girardi,” it was the Mom Voice now. “Listen to me. This is not your fault. You did not do this. If we’re going to go by that logic, I’m just as much to blame as you are because I didn’t do anything to prevent him from leaving. And while we’re at it, we may as well all blame Roman for getting hurt in the first place.”

Neither of them spoke for awhile. Seth still sniffled and shook. Lily still held on tight. It took him some time but eventually he managed to relax. 

“I love you, bub,” Lily murmured softly. 

“I love you too,” Seth’s head hurt from crying so much, but his mom didn’t blame him and that made him feel a little bit better.

They got up and joined Dad and Roman in the kitchen; their father looked as though he hadn’t slept. He was stirring a pan of scrambled eggs. Lily poured orange juice. Seth wasn’t very hungry, but he knew that not eating wouldn’t be something his parents accepted, so he managed to get a couple of mouthfuls in. Then the back door flew open.

“Tony? Lily?” It was Pete.

“Pete?” Lily looked at him hopefully, but his expression wasn’t all that happy. 

“We’ve covered all of the property,” Pete said, his tone careful. “No sign of Dean. They---the police---they think it’s time to drag the lake.”


	56. The Meltdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a few revelations in this chapter. Enjoy!

About three days after Dean disappeared, Roman woke up in the middle of the night shaking and screaming. There hadn’t been a nightmare, not that he could recall, but for some reason he was terrified. His father was the parent on duty that night.

“Roman? Buddy?” Tony took one look at his oldest and sat down on the edge of his bed. “You okay?”

Roman shook his head, panting, trying to figure out where this overwhelming fear was coming from.

“Are you in pain?” Tony reached out and touched his forehead. Roman knew he was sweating buckets, but he shook his head again.

“No. No, I just...I don’t know what happened,” he managed to choke out. 

“Okay. Can you take a deep breath?” Roman tried, then tried again, then sat up and swung his legs over his bed.

“Can we get up? Just for a little bit?” He thought maybe if he just moved around a little, the paralyzing feeling might abate. His father agreed, and the two of them moved out to the living room sofa. Every so often, Roman would stand and stretch, then sit back down, but the feeling in his gut wasn’t letting up.

The search for Dean had slowly moved from the family property to other avenues. There had been numerous tips on the tip line that was set up, but nothing that produced any results. According to callers, Dean could be found as far away as Nepal, but there was no evidence to suggest that this was actually the truth. Turns out the general public wasn’t too reliable.

The only good thing about the search taking longer was that the local police were FINALLY beginning to treat the situation less as a lost child and more as a runaway or an abductee (and no on in the family believed that Dean had run off, and if he had, he’d surely be home by now). It was that revelation earlier in the day that had begun the uneasy feeling in Roman’s chest. 

Something...he knew something.

He was forgetting...SOMETHING. He started to shake again. 

“Hey...hey, buddy. Calm down,” his father wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close. About then, his mother joined them.

“Seth okay?” Tony asked.

“Seth’s asleep, finally,” Lily murmured. “What’s going on, Ro?”

“I just...Mommy...something...I’ve forgotten something,” he whimpered.

“What do you mean?” Lily asked, wrapping her own arms around him. Now he was a Roman sandwich between Mom and Dad, and that calmed him instantly. He rested his head on his mother’s shoulder.

“I just...something...there’s something in my head and I can’t remember. Something---Mama, I think I know something and I can’t remember.”

Lily hugged him tighter.

“It’s okay, Ro,” she murmured. “Just relax, baby. Relax and try and go back to sleep. It’ll come to you.”

Roman and Seth had been pulled from school. This was for a few reasons. First and foremost, there was absolutely no way they were going to be able to concentrate on the work. Everyone in the building knew of Dean’s disappearance, there were sure to be questions, and the idea of all the attention had Seth in shambles. So Tony had called the principal, who’d agreed that since there were only two weeks until winter break began anyway, it was okay for the boys to work from home.

Second of all, although Seth had given up on his notion that he was to blame for Dean’s disappearance, he (and Lily for that matter) was constantly afraid that whoever had taken Dean would be coming after him and Roman next. Regardless of Tony’s repeated promises that they could send the boys with protective agents, Lily hadn’t gone for it and so home they stayed. 

Now, as Roman sat curled between his parents, he couldn’t help but feel grateful that he wouldn’t have to get up early in the morning, because here it was, 2 am, and sleep didn’t seem to be coming his way any time soon. He was so scared right then that he didn’t think he’d be able to function anyway. 

He sighed. 

“I can’t sleep,” he muttered. “No way.” He didn’t miss the look his parents exchanged.

“Okay,” Lily said calmly. “I’m sure Seth will be awake in the next 15 minutes. Let’s just camp out on the couch.”

They sat quietly. They cuddled and then suddenly Roman sat up bolt straight.

“Someone called him,” he whispered.

“Someone called who? Dean?” Tony asked. Roman nodded.

“Okay…” Lily murmured. 

“Dean gets lots of calls,” Tony began.

“Yeah, but on the landline? And the person...the man...he asked for Dean AMBROSE. Not Dean Girardi. Who even knows that was his name anymore?” Roman was beginning to sweat again. 

“Mama? What if---what if he took him? He got really mad when I told him Dean Ambrose didn’t live here.” Roman was beginning to panic, and then he caught sight of the look in his mother’s eyes.

“Tony…” she began softly. “Tony, someone called on the landline for Dean when you guys were in Italy…”

“You don’t think…” Tony didn’t have to finish.

“I don’t know,” she whispered.

“At any rate---I think we need to call Pete,” Tony said. 

Suddenly, Roman felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of him. Maybe this was a sign, a clue---just something, ANYTHING, that would help them find his brother.

 

____________________________________

 

With no real knowledge of the passing hours, it gave Dean plenty of time to worry, fret, and panic. As silently as he could, of course, because Brad didn’t want him making noise and as long as he kept Brad content, Brad did not hit him. It didn’t stop him from questioning in his head though.

How long had he been there? Was his family still looking for him? Had he missed his birthday? Was he going to survive this? When would his father pay the ransom? And when that happened (because Dean was still certain that it would) would Brad really let him go?

And then there was the question that haunted him the most.

Had they had his mother’s funeral yet?

Dean stopped crying at least a day ago, because eventually he just ran out of tears. It wasn’t that he was giving up, although if he was honest, it was getting harder to keep holding on. Although better, his ribs still hurt. He tried his best to eat whatever food Tina offered him (and ordinarily it wouldn’t be nearly enough; his Mama had always called him a human garbage disposal). He usually couldn’t get more than a few bites down, though. Partially, this was because Tina was a lousy cook. Partially, it was because he just didn’t feel up to eating much. 

He’d given up on the notion that eating would bring his strength back. By now, Dean was pretty sure that unless he got out of here, his strength was not going to come back. He just couldn’t move much, he didn’t get enough to eat, and water was scarce. He’d stopped drinking the bottle that first day when it was half gone because he didn’t know when or if he’d get more, and he thought he should ration. Another bottle was given to him the next day, so he drank down the first one as though he might never get more. Because realistically, he might not.

Turned out, they, well Tina, brought him a new bottle periodically, and eventually Dean started to realize that he was getting a new bottle every day. Before too long, even that small amount was hard to get down. Dean didn’t think it mattered though. He’d paid enough attention in physiology to know that 17 ounces of water each day was nowhere near enough.

Dean tried to lay still one night, making a halfhearted attempt to sleep, when Brad came in. One whiff and Dean knew he was drunk. He’d grabbed Dean by the shirt.

“Get up,” came a clumsy grunt. 

Dean did his best to quickly comply, but his legs just weren’t moving as quickly as Brad seemed to want, and then he tripped and collapsed against his abductor.

“You trying to hit me?” Brad yelled, shoving Dean back.

“N-no---” Dean would’ve tried to explain that it had been an accident, if for no other reason than to try and avoid what by now he figured was coming, but it was too late.

“You’re tryin’ to hit me! You stupid little piece of shit,” Brad slurred. “Stupid dumbass piece of loser shit. I thought you said your mommy and your daddy wanted you back. Huh? Thought that’s what you said. So when they gonna pay up? Answer me that.”

Anger flared through Dean and a little sadness, too; he knew better than to get smart with this psycho, but…

“Yeah, well, it’s your fault!” Where was this burst of energy coming from? “My mom is dead, my brothers need her and you killed her and if it’s taking my dad a little longer, then---”

“SHUT UP!” Brad roared this, and Dean shrank away, but Brad grabbed his shirt again. Then he ripped it open and off Dean’s already aching body.

“YOU DON’T BACK TALK ME BOY!” Brad bellered, and he started to undo his belt. 

Dean had been to this place before, with one of Shelby’s many boyfriends, but the knowledge of what was coming didn’t prepare him for the feeling of leather snapping across his bare back. He cried out in agony and dropped to the floor.

“GET UP!” Brad screamed, dragging Dean to his feet by his hair, only to whip him with the belt again and knock him back to the ground.

It went on for what felt like forever; harsh lashes to Dean’s back that made him shriek and squeal; it went on even after he collapsed to the floor, no longer able to get back to his feet no matter how much Brad tried to pull him back up. Sobs erupted from his throat; he tried to stay quiet but eventually he couldn’t help himself.

“No...no, stop, please, I want my mother. Mama? Mama, help me. Help me, please. Oh God. Oh God oh God STOP PLEASE!”

And suddenly Brad did. 

Dean knew his back was shredded; he could feel the blood running down his sides. He couldn’t move, couldn’t catch his breath for the sobbing, and then he finally, mercifully, lost consciousness.

 

_________________________________________

 

On the fifth night, a horrible feeling came over Lily. 

Still no tips, still no progress. She wasn’t giving up hope and she prayed Dean wasn’t either, but that night---she could feel him stronger than ever. And it wasn’t good.

“No,” she whispered, sitting up bolt straight in bed. Tony rolled over.

“Lu? Babe?” 

“No,” Lily repeated, voice wrenched in a sob.

Tony tried to reach for her but she shoved him away and jumped out of bed.

“Lu? Did you have a bad dream?” Tony tried again to talk to her, but she burst into tears.

“He’s hurting him,” her voice shook; she knew she sounded terrified, but so what? She was.

“Who’s---babe? I don’t---” Tony was interrupted by Lily tearing out of the room.

Oh, the feeling---an intense, desperate, agonizing knowledge that her baby was in sheer misery. She couldn’t explain how she felt it, but she felt it. And it kept getting worse.

“You gotta find him. We gotta---T. Someone is hurting Dean,” she begged her husband, who tried to wrap his arms around her, but she backed away.

“NO!” Lily shrieked. “Make them stop hurting him. He needs me to make them stop...he needs...Tony…”

By now, Nana, who had flown home from Ireland with Granddad a couple of days before to be there for the family, had come running into the kitchen. All she could do was stand there and watch as her daughter melted down while Tony tried desperately to help her.

“Shh...we will. We will. Come here. You’re gonna wake the---”

“NO NO NO!” Lily was screaming now, just completely freaking out, and she didn’t care if Roman or Seth heard it, and she didn’t care if the nearest neighbors heard it, and she didn’t care if they heard it in Uruguay. The pain, her baby’s pain and her own, was bubbling up inside her and she couldn’t, in her whole life, recall ever feeling like this before. She knew, she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that her baby was in trouble and the fact that she could do nothing...to Lily, it felt like she was slowly dying.

So she did the only thing she could think of. 

She grabbed the nearest piece of whatever she could reach on the counter, which happened to be a plate, and flung it at the wall. It felt so good that she grabbed something else, a mug this time, and she flung that too. The release opened a floodgate inside her. By now, Granddad and the boys were up, and as Lily’s father tried to shield her sons from her tantrum, she continued to fling dishes at the wall. It was becoming quite dented and for awhile, the only sounds were sobs and glass breaking, until suddenly...the feeling was gone.

Just as quickly as it had come over her, the feeling was gone. She surveyed the mess. Then she sank down to the floor, crossed her legs, and buried her head in her hands. She wiped her eyes. Tony came and sat beside her. She could see Roman and Seth in the doorway, her father’s arms around them, and the looks on their faces should have made her feel rueful, but she didn’t. Her heart was pounding, her nose was running, and her kitchen was destroyed. Her boys were upset. But she didn’t feel sinful the way she knew she probably should. 

“Feel better?” Tony asked her quietly. She shook her head.

“Nope,” Lily murmured.

“Feel like you can at least carry on now?” Tony tried again, and this time, Lily nodded.

“I do,” she whispered. Then she stood up, disengaged her shocked sons from her father’s arms, and took them back to bed.

 

_______________________________________________

 

Later that night, as Dean lay on the floor, Tina tried to gently clean the cuts on his back that had been made by Brad’s belt. The pain was agonizing but the danger had passed, and he just didn’t have the energy to even cry out at this point. He could tell that Tina felt remorseful, though for what Dean wasn’t sure. She hadn’t even been there when Brad had gone crazy, much less played a part in it.

“Listen...I said I wouldn’t let him kill you, kid, and I won’t, but you gotta---just---I can’t be here all the time, and you---just don’t piss him off,” she whispered to him in a voice that, Dean could only guess, was a misguided attempt at soothing him.

Dean couldn’t really move, his body paralyzed by pain, but he managed to whisper back,

“It wasn’t on purpose. I lost my balance.”

“I believe you. But he’s drunk and when he gets drunk---”

Dean quietly interrupted. 

“Does he hit you?”

Tina looked Dean straight in the eye.

“I’d kill him if he tried it,” she replied, and Dean could tell she meant it.

“You’re not like him,” Dean whispered.

“I’m...I ain’t no saint either,” Tina murmured. “But him beating the shit out of you wasn’t part of the deal. Just like neither was him not making a demand for ransom. The deal was he’d snatch you, your parents would pay up, and we’d be in Tahiti by the weekend.”

A chord was struck inside Dean, one he was way too exhausted to fight about but one he knew he had to address.

“You mean...he hasn’t even…” Tears began to well in Dean’s eyes.

“Now...hey. Hey, don’t start that again,” Tina almost sounded desperate. 

“I want to go home,” Dean moaned. “He said he would ask for money and as soon as they paid…”

“I know,” Tina looked stricken. “I know, kid. Just...I’m trying to get you home, okay? I’m trying to get him...to make him get a move on. I’m...fuck…”

She couldn’t finish and right then, Dean felt a little bit of pity, just a twinge, for this woman who, despite everything, was trying her best to make better of the awful situation. If he ever got away. If he ever...he was going to do his best to make sure she was okay.

“It isn’t your fault,” he said.

“Maybe...maybe not. Ain’t no saint, like I said. Just didn’t ever intend for any of this to happen. You’re a good kid. I can tell. Not like Brad.” Tina sighed. “Not like your useless mother either.”

Something connected in Dean’s head.

“You...know my...mama?” His voice was shaking. Tina shook your head.

“Not your mama. Your good for nothing mother. Shelby. Known her and Brad since school.”

Something else connected in his head. Dean Benjamin Girardi, formerly Dean Bradley Ambrose, suddenly knew exactly what was going on.

“He...he’s my father isn’t he.”

It wasn’t a question and he tuned out the answer because this meant something more important. Brad, his biological father, kept referring to his dead mother, but was it possible it wasn’t Lily at all that he meant?  
Because if he’d been talking about Shelby all along, then that meant...it was possible...that Lily was alive. And that meant that no matter what, Dean had to hang on.


	57. A Mother's Plea

As the days turned into a week, and then almost two, Tony found himself brooding more and hoping less. For her part, Lily seemed to be doing okay since she had thrown and shattered all those dishes. Tony knew she needed to get it out. The boys were struggling more and more, though. Roman was sullen and anxious. All Seth wanted to do was sleep, but he woke up screaming every time he tried. The boy was a walking zombie, and no amount of counselling was helping.

Dean’s birthday came and went. Lily had insisted that she bake him a cake anyway. 

“I’ll make another when he comes home,” she said resolutely, but no one could bring themselves to eat it. So she’d cut it up and put it in the deep freeze in the garage, never once doubting that someday, Dean would get to eat it.

Lily still swore up and down that she could somehow feel Dean. And she had no qualms about stating it; she just knew that he was still alive. It wasn’t that Tony didn’t want to believe her. Dammit, he wanted that more than anything else in the entire world. But it was getting harder and harder to put on that face. His heart was heavy. It couldn’t drag on forever, but at that point, it was beginning to look as though it would never end.

Pete Cimino and several other agents had pulled the Girardi’s phone records. They discovered that both calls came from the same phone number, and perhaps more disturbing, they also discovered that that number had made more than two calls. Most of them were during the day before school was out; a couple had come on Saturday, and one lone call came on a Sunday. It had been going on since the beginning of October. The last call was two days before Dean disappeared. 

It almost seemed to Tony as though the person calling hadn’t actually WANTED anyone to answer, since the majority of the calls had taken place during school hours, but then again, you’d have to be pretty crazy to kidnap a teenager so no wonder it made no sense. 

Everyone was shocked to learn that the calls came from a landline. It was registered to a Tina Briggs, of Houston. Unfortunately, when the police went to the address of the landline, no one was there. They’d even obtained a warrant, called a blacksmith, and went into the house to search. There was no sign of Dean, the electricity had been turned off, and the place was nearly empty of furniture. 

There had been about 50 different fingerprints, but either none of them belonged to Tina Briggs, or Tina Briggs wasn’t in the system. None of them belonged to Dean either, which was another clue that Dean had never been inside that house. The result that surprised Tony the most was the partial print that they found that was a 50% match to one Shelby Ambrose.

It opened up a whole new world of possibilities, knowing that Shelby could somehow be connected to Tina Briggs, but as far as the investigation had turned up so far, only the partial print existed. Tina Briggs herself seemed to have no past, except for utility records at that house. There were no records of any criminal activity. There was no doubt in anyone’s mind that she had SOMETHING to do with it, but fitting together how was proving near impossible.

Most frustrating was the fact that there had been zero communication from Dean’s kidnappers, IF that’s what really happened, but Tony still refused to believe that he’d just walked away. That was possibly the hardest part. Had there been a ransom demand, it would’ve been easier; there would have been an obvious WHY. Right now, there was no reason why. And that was scary.

On the eleventh day, Pete, who had basically taken up residence at the Girardi household, came storming into the kitchen. Lily was putting together some tater tot casserole (that no one was going to eat anyway) and she frowned at the look on Pete’s face.

“What’s up?” Tony asked him, and he scowled.

“What do you know about Dean’s biological parents?” Pete didn’t even bother with a greeting. 

“Well, we know that his biological mother lost custody four and a half years ago when she was caught beating him up after allowing her boyfriend to rape him,” Lily began.

“And she died of a drug overdose a couple of years ago after losing visitation rights,” Tony picked up where she left off.

“And I hate that he had to go through all of that, but if that’s what had to happen so that he could come to us…” Lily murmured.

“What do you know about the father?” Pete demanded.

“Not much,” Lily replied.

“To our knowledge, Dean never met him,” Tony added. “According to the DCF records, he left Shelby before Dean was born and they were never married.”

“His name is Bradley. Bradley Curtis Hennigan. And you guys had probably better sit down,” Pete said grimly.

 

_____________________________________

 

Lily sat numbly at the kitchen table, dinner forgotten. Tony and Pete sat with her. Roman had wandered in too, and he pulled his chair up close to her so he could rest his head on her shoulder. 

“Brad Hennigan was arrested before Dean was born,” Pete began. “Story is that he was never interested in the baby anyway, but he was arrested the August prior to Dean’s birth. A year later, he was charged and sentenced to 14 years.”

“Which...means he got out this year,” Lily whispered. She buried her nose into Roman’s hair and inhaled sharply; this didn’t sound like a direction they wanted to be heading.

“He got out in August,” Pete confirmed.

“What...what was the charge?” Tony’s voice was full of hesitation, and Lily could feel Roman’s shoulders tense. Pete gave a long pause.

“Third degree murder,” he finally muttered.

“WHAT?” Lily couldn’t believe it.

“Dean isn’t...wasn’t...Brad’s only biological child,” Pete said quietly. “There was an older one, a little girl. She was four years old when she died, and he’s responsible for her death.”

“What happened?” Lily whispered. She couldn’t help it; she squeezed Roman tight.

“He went on a bender and while he was high, he beat her to death,” Pete looked as devastated as Lily felt. Tony nearly exploded.

“How the fuck did he only get 14 years for that?” He was on his feet now, pacing.

“He had no prior record, he showed remorse, he wasn’t in control of his actions when it happened,” Pete sighed. “I hate it too but that was 15 years ago. What I want to know is how you guys were never aware of this?”

“Well, Shelby...there’s no father listed on Dean’s birth certificate,” Lily began. “If Shelby didn’t volunteer that information, then there would have been no one to look into.”

Tony shook his head.

“That doesn’t matter anyway,” he said. “What matters is that if you’re right, and we have no other options right now so we have to assume that you are, then our son is in grave danger and we have to find him now. Before…”

Tony didn’t finish his sentence.

“We’re working on finding SOMETHING to connect Brad Hennigan with Tina Briggs,” Pete said. “Here’s the thing. Normally, we would put out media naming him as a person of interest in a missing persons case. But the problem is that considering he’s already killed one child, and considering he hasn’t demanded any ransom, I’m afraid he’ll panic and---”

“Don’t say it,” Lily snapped.

“I know. I won’t,” Pete sounded sincerely apologetic. “We’re about to release Tina Briggs’ photo to the press, because we know she’s somehow involved. But we want...we think you need to do a press conference.”

“A press conference? You think that’ll help?” Tony looked...well, honestly, Lily couldn’t peg his expression.

“Well. We want Lily to do the press conference,” Pete corrected himself. Lily couldn’t hide her confusion.

“Wait---why me? Why not all of us?” Lily was curious.

“Well...Brad Hennigan, from what we’ve gathered, had a horrible relationship with his mother,” Pete told her. “Our hope is that if you get on TV and appeal to the side of him that was never nurtured by her, that maybe...look, guys, it might be a long shot but it might work and also, you’re going to look less threatening to Tina Briggs. Between the two of them, the hope is that you can make one of them realize that Dean is a real child with a real future and a real family who misses him very much.”

“You think...this Tina Briggs character. You think she’s got children?” Lily asked.

“There’s no record of her ever having children. Doesn’t mean there are none. But she’s a woman and the two of you have that in common. And considering Brad’s history...if we’re right and they’re both involved and are holding him captive, Tina Briggs is probably the reason Dean is still alive.”

Lily needed no further explanation.

“Of course,” she said. “Of course I will. Just name the time and place.

The time and place turned out to be the next morning. Lily and Tony left the boys with Nana and Granddad and went down to the police station. She didn’t feel nervous; she just prayed that this would help. Pete led her up onto a stage, where she was flanked by Houston PD officers on one side and FBI agents on the other. She brought along a photo of Dean, a closeup that she’d taken to go along with closeups that Dean himself took of Roman and Seth. The three photos hung in the dining room.

“This,” Lily began, more confident than she ever thought she could be, “is my son.

“He’s my baby; he’s my middle baby. His name is Dean Benjamin Girardi. He’s sixteen years old. And he’s missing. We believe that he was taken against his will from the woods around our home twelve days ago. And I miss him. His father misses him. His big brother and his baby brother miss him. A part of our family has been gone for too long. A part of my heart has been gone for far, far too long.

“I don’t know who took my child. That doesn’t matter. If you give him back to me, I won’t ask any questions. I will simply take him home and be very thankful that you made the right choice. If you've seen him, or if you any idea where he is, please call the tip hotline that the police have set up. He needs to be home, warm, comfortable, and safe.

“He’s one of the three lights of my life. He makes me laugh like no one can. He’s a beautiful, smart, talented, wonderful young man. I can feel him, and I can feel his fear, and so I’m begging you, whoever you are, please. Please give us our boy back. 

“I know that there are mothers out there that don’t deserve to have children. But I promise you, I take good care of my sweet boys. I waited for Dean for a very long time, and the four and a half years I’ve had with him are just not enough. It’s time to do what’s best for him. I pray, that if you are out there and watching this, that you do the right thing. Please. Do it for Dean. Like I said. No questions asked. I just want my baby back.

“And...if you see this, sweetie...we aren’t giving up on you, Dean. We’re going to find you. Just...just hang in there, Dean. Just hang on. Daddy and I are waiting. We’re going to find you, sweet boy. I love you. You just have to hang on.”


	58. Save Me

Dean was positively miserable. He had no idea how long it had been now since Brad had taken him away from his family, but he figured it had to be about two weeks. There wasn’t a single part of his body that didn’t hurt in some form or fashion. He slept as much as he could now. He curled up and just shivered. He was almost always shivering even under his blanket. Then sometimes, he’d break out into a horrible sweat that would soak him to the bone, and then he’d be cold again. 

The worst part of all was it burned when he peed. Bad.

He hadn’t been offered a shower, either, so he was sure he had to stink. Every so often Tina would bring him a towel and a bowl of water but that was about it. She’d quietly lay her hand on his forehead from time to time and make a disapproving sound before leaving the room once more.

His whole body felt like it was on fire; he didn’t know exactly what was happening, but he knew it couldn’t be good.

He was sick.

He needed a doctor.

He needed his mama.

Brad had only touched him once more, a swift punch to the cheek because Dean had thrown up on his shoes the day before. He probably would have done more, except Tina yelled at him to quit it and then they’d gone into the other room and started yelling at each other.

“You fucking lied to me, Brad! WHY is this kid still HERE? The deal was you were gonna ask for money and then fucking LET HIM GO!” Tina had sounded livid.

“What the hell do you care?” Brad growled back.

“Because now you’ve gone and gotten him sick, dumbass. Those cuts on his back are infected. He’s fucking burning up. I never agreed to this. You gotta let him go. He needs a hospital,” Tina almost sounded as though she was pleading. Brad just laughed.

“Yeah, well, leave if you want,” Brad snarled. “But he’s my kid, Tina. Mine. And he ain’t going back until I say he’s going back, and if I decide that’s never, then that’s what I decide. Ain’t gonna make you stay. Do whatever you want. I don’t give a shit if he lives or dies, but he ain’t gonna die, and that stupid piece of shit is worth way more than I was gonna ask for. So his ass stays until I figure it out."

_I’m NOT yours!_ Dean had wanted to shout, but he didn’t have the energy. Instead his eyes welled up with tears and he let them fall, until he fell into a fitful sleep. He was only vaguely aware that Tina had come back into the room, sat down on the floor beside him, and was silently watching him sleep.

Dean didn’t want to give up, but it was getting harder and harder to keep fighting. 

And then...and then. 

Brad and Tina were out somewhere in the house, and Dean could smell fragments of Tina’s horrible cooking. He’d given up on eating completely a few days before; even the smell made his stomach turn. Even the meager amounts of water he got made him vomit now, his pee bucket used far more to catch puke. He had a feeling Tina wasn’t telling Brad; Brad would spill his shit if he knew that Dean was making that kind of mess. 

Out of nowhere, they started yelling at each other again. Dean was dizzy, and he couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but Tina’s voice had become urgent and Brad’s livid. Then he heard a third voice. At first he could hardly believe his ears; it sounded like...but no, it couldn’t be. Dean slowly began to drag himself to the door. It took what felt like years but couldn’t have been more than a few minutes. 

As he slowly pushed it open, he crawled out. He had a view, then, of the small TV in the tiny living area. And it was then that he saw her. 

_“I know that there are mothers out there that don’t deserve to have children. But I promise you, I take good care of my sweet boys. I waited for Dean for a very long time, and the four and a half years I’ve had with him are just not enough. It’s time to do what’s best for him. I pray, that if you are out there and watching this, that you do the right thing. Please. Do it for Dean. Like I said. No questions asked. I just want my baby back._

_“And...if you see this, sweetie...we aren’t giving up on you, Dean. We’re going to find you. Just...just hang in there, Dean. Just hang on. Daddy and I are waiting. We’re going to find you, sweet boy. You just have to hang on.”_

Mama. 

It was his mama, and she was talking to him. She looked tired and maybe a little bit older, but it was definitely, absolutely, undeniably her. The most beautiful woman in the world. The one who had always loved him now matter how badly he messed up. And she wasn’t dead. And she was talking to HIM. He barely made it back to his blanket before he collapsed in agonized sobs. He had no idea what was going on, but he knew as clear as anything now that his mother was alive and she was looking for him. He couldn’t give up now. He had to hang in there. For her, he had to do it. 

__________________________________________ 

Seth had watched the press conference with his brother and grandparents. His granddad had sat with an arm around Roman. He’d offered his other arm to Seth, but Seth declined. He didn’t want to be touched. 

He was having a tough time not blaming himself still, even though everyone swore that none of it was his fault and yadda yadda yadda. 

Their opinions didn’t help much. And Dean was still gone. 

And man, how Seth missed him. He missed the things he took for granted the most: the way Dean smirked mischievously when he was about to do something he probably shouldn’t, the way the first thing Seth usually woke up to in the morning was Dean grunting his disapproval at having to be awake. The way that he always squeezed Seth’s shoulder every night before bed. And the glaring, overpowering emptiness that was his absence was just so painful. Seth’s room was right next to Dean’s. In the years since Seth had arrived at the house, he couldn’t recall ever hearing Dean at night, but ever since Dean had been taken, his absence felt even louder than his presence. It actually woke Seth up. 

He missed the way Dean was never still. He missed the way Dean was never quiet. He missed the way Dean made him laugh. Most of all, he missed the way his family used to be. He hadn’t seen either of his parents laugh in almost two weeks. It was like a black storm cloud hung over them all. 

Seth couldn’t help but wonder if life was ever going to be the same. He didn’t WANT to entertain the notion that Dean may never be found, but how could he not? And if that was the case, how could they possibly go on without him? 

Would his parents still want him and Roman? Would it be too painful? A part of Seth knew he was just being dumb, but there had been so many times...he tried to shake that off. 

A few hours after the press conference ended (and Seth felt VERY proud of his mother; she’d been stronger than he could possibly have managed), his parents returned to the house. They brought bagels, soup, and sandwiches from Panera, and although Seth was rarely hungry anymore, he still found it difficult to refuse their broccoli cheddar. 

Roughly an hour or so after they got back, Pete showed up. His expression was difficult for Seth to read, but he thought maybe he seemed encouraged, though guarded. 

“The second you went off the air, the tip lines started lighting up,” Pete told Lily. “There have been numerous people who claim they have seen Tina Briggs in the Sugarland area. No one’s seen Dean, but...we’re getting close, guys. I can feel it. We’re getting close. The police in Sugarland are being way more cooperative than the Houston PD, and they’re canvassing. We still don’t have confirmation on Brad’s involvement but…” Pete’s voice trailed off. Seth noticed tears in his mother’s eyes, and his father smiled a broad smile. 

We’re gonna find him, Lu,” Tony said with a smile. Lily just nodded. Then she offered Pete a bagel.

Later that night, Seth was curled on his bed. Spider was on the floor playing with a loose string on his comforter, and Wyatt was curled at his feet. He was trying to read A Tale of Two Cities, because he had to turn in a report before the semester ended, but it was impossible to focus, and to be honest, right then he really didn’t care if he passed or failed. 

He looked up when his mother tapped on the door frame. 

“Whatcha doin’, bub?” Lily asked him, scooping Spider off the floor and setting her on his bed. The black cat with the white ear started pawing at the fringe of Seth’s blanket. Seth sighed. 

“I’m trying to read this,” he confessed, “but I just...I can’t, Mama.” 

Lily gently took the book out of his hands and set it aside. 

“Come here,” she murmured. “We’re gonna find him, bub. I know this is awful. You and Roman...I’m so proud of you, Seth. You guys have been so strong.” 

“I don’t feel strong,” Seth said. “I’m so tired, Mom. I can’t sleep. I keep thinking of Dean, alone, or scared, or hurt.” 

“Okay...full disclosure,” Lily began. “I do too. But...it’s going to be okay. I really believe that, bub. You know Daddy and I have never lied to you, and we’d tell you if we didn’t believe it.” 

Seth nodded. He rested his head against his mom and let her play with his hair. There was something else, something he was almost embarrassed to say out loud, but he had to. 

“Mama? What if...what if someone takes me too?” Seth whispered. 

“Seth…” Lily paused for a long time. “Listen, bub...I wish I could promise you that nothing bad is ever going to happen to this family again but I can’t. No parent wants anything like this to happen to her child, but bad things DO happen no matter how hard we try to prevent it. But...if someone took you too, I’d just have to find you. ‘Cuz you’re my bub and I can’t live without you.” 

It wasn’t entirely what Seth wanted to hear, but it was enough to make him feel significantly safer. 

“You really think we’ll find Dean soon?” His voice was still barely a whisper. He was cozy now, snuggled up with his mom, the cat finally settled up under Seth’s chin. Spider purred, and Seth could feel himself growing sleepy. 

“I really do, bub,” Lily whispered back. “I can feel it...I can still feel him. I know he’s alive and I know he’s out there somewhere and I guess...I guess I’m a little scared that nothing will come of this, but really, I think that this is the best lead we’ve had and it seems like suddenly information is pouring in. So yeah. I really, honestly do.” 

Seth didn’t hear the last part though. He was already sound asleep in his mother’s arms. 

______________________________________________ 

The next time Dean woke up, it was to Tina shaking him. 

“Oh, thank God,” she muttered when he opened his eyes. “I thought you...okay, kid. We gotta do something. Can’t keep doin’ this.” 

Dean had no idea what she was talking about; he could barely feel his body anymore and he was amazingly calm. He’d cried himself to sleep after seeing his mother on the TV, both from sadness and relief. He was so thankful that she was alive and that she was looking for him. She’d stood in front of the whole world and basically said that she would do anything to get him back. He knew he was weak, but he knew he had to fight. 

It was getting progressively harder though. A moment later, Tina came back. 

“C’mon, kid, get up,” she whispered. 

“Can’t,” Dean whimpered. 

“No, I mean it,” Tina replied. “I know you feel like shit, but I gotta get you out of here, kid. This is...this ain’t the way it was supposed to be. Can’t let you die on me. But we gotta move, boy. We gotta move before Brad wakes up and catches us.” 

It finally dawned on Dean what Tina was actually saying. She was going to...let him go. 

He tried to get to his feet, tried ridiculously, painfully hard, but it felt nearly impossible. He finally managed, but he stumbled more than once. Tina held his arm and pulled on him. Through the living room, through the kitchen, out of the garage, and then---Dean Girardi felt the outdoor air on his face for more the first time in two weeks. 

The crispness of it woke him up a little, and he began to feel slightly more clear as Tina carefully put him into a car, something silver, four-door, a sedan of some sort. Then she disappeared again. A moment later, she was back with his blanket. 

“Kid...I want you to know...I’m so sorry. So, so sorry. I swear, I never meant---I mean, I never thought...this wasn’t the way it was supposed to go.” 

Tina kept saying that and although Dean believed her, what he really wanted to ask her was what she had expected to happen when she associated herself with a psycho like Brad? Then again, if it hadn’t been for Tina Brad probably would’ve beaten him to death a long time ago. And here she was, smuggling him out. She wasn’t a bad person, just misguided, Dean knew this. But her apology didn’t mean much right then. 

He didn’t have the energy to express any of that, so all he managed to choke out was a strangled, 

“S’okay.” 

It wasn’t. He sensed that they both knew that though. 

The sky was dark, but it was starting to brighten just a bit off to the east. The clock in the car read 6:48. It occurred to Dean that this was the first time he’d seen a clock since the day he walked out on his family. 

Tina drove for about 45 minutes and when she stopped, they weren’t in the city. 

“Listen, this is what I want you to do,” she began, at the exact same time that Dean mumbled, 

“Where are we?” 

Tina actually smiled. Her smile was nice; it was genuine. It made Dean wonder yet again how she’d gotten mixed up with someone like Brad. 

“All you gotta do is get yourself through that clearing,” she said, pointing at a group of trees. “It’s on the other side. There’s a strip mall with an IHOP and a Starbucks, so there are bound to be people there. You’re all over the news, kid. Unfortunately so am I. So I have to let you out here.” 

Dean scanned the area; it looked impossibly far away. Tina must have sensed his hesitation because she quickly added, 

“You can do it. Just---get to the other side. Find some people. They’ll help you, and then it’ll be home to your Mama.” 

Dean gazed over at her, then over at the cluster of trees. He could actually see the green glow of the Starbucks sign on the other side, and suddenly it didn’t seem so far away. Tina came around and opened the car door. Dean slowly crept out and began to walk. 

It felt like miles. It couldn’t have been more than 1,000 feet, but it felt like it took him years. He grew weaker with each step. Just before he got to the trees he collapsed to the ground, and he decided to let himself rest. Just a moment. He never could make it back to his feet. 

So Dean started to crawl. 

_Mama._

Through the trees, over the pine needles, around some rocks. He could do this. 

_Mama._

He felt himself beginning to pass out but he kept going. He had to. 

_Mama._

Yes. He was almost there. 

_Mama. Daddy. Roman and Seth._

He could see the parking lot. 

_His family._

He could do this. 

And suddenly, right as his legs gave out and he couldn’t crawl anymore, he was there. A stranger was at his side, but Dean had never been more relieved. He heard people start talking. 

“You okay, kid?” 

“Can you talk to me?” 

“Hey, I think this is the missing teenager...you know, that FBI agent’s son!” 

“Don’t worry, buddy. Help is coming.” 

Help. Help was coming. Help was coming and it was almost over and he’d made it. He just had to keep on hanging in there. 

“I want to go home,” he whispered to the strange person now holding his hand. 

That was all he managed to utter before he passed out. 


	59. Lost & Found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I absolutely find it fitting that this update coincides perfectly with 200 kudos! Talk about a milestone---thanks everyone!

Before Dean was stolen (kidnapped just didn’t seem like the right word), Roman could sleep through anything. Loud thunder, the mower, the dogs barking---anything. In fact, the only time he ever woke up at night was when one of his brothers was in peril, so maybe that explained it. Ever since Dean had been gone, the slightest little things woke him up. Which was how he found himself wide awake one morning, sitting at the table with his mother while she drank her coffee. 

Dad was at the office, and Roman suspected he’d slept there. Yesterday, when the tip line started lighting up and information began rolling in, he’d gone with Pete to the FBI office and they hadn’t seen him since. Mama explained that he was trying to help, which Roman DID understand, but they needed him at home. Seth was still asleep, and Roman knew he’d had another awful night. Their grandparents were sitting on the other side of the table.

He and his mother were debating the merits of whether or not to put up a Christmas tree. Lily wasn’t sure she had the energy. Roman knew she was probably right, but he felt his argument was compelling.

“Dean would be really pissed off at you if you don’t,” he told his mother. She smiled and nodded her agreement.

Dean was a Christmas nut. His first Christmas as part of the family, he’d been completely unsure, but once he’d experienced the holidays Girardi-style, he was hooked. They’d gone to San Antonio that first year, and the second year was Seth’s first one so they’d stayed home. The next year they’d gone to New York. But Dean was still a huge fan of shopping, wrapping, decorating, and the like. In fact, the year before he’d thrown a huge fit when his parents had informed him that they weren’t going to decorate because they were going to be in Florida the whole time and wouldn’t be there to enjoy it anyway.

So Roman was pretty sure that if they didn’t decorate just because Dean wasn’t there, there would be hell to pay when Dean found out. And Roman didn’t really mind too much; it was kind of fun to go find a tree (his parents didn’t believe in fake ones) and help their dad put up outdoor lights. He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that his mother wasn’t going to let him anywhere near a ladder this year, since he still had dizzy spells periodically, but Seth could help with that part. Maybe Roman could do the bushes or something.

“What do you want for Christmas this year, Ro?” Lily asked him then, and he didn’t hesitate to answer,

“Dean.”

Lily’s eyes grew misty. Then her phone lit up.

Roman could only hear his mother’s side of the conversation, but by her reaction, he knew immediately that something huge was going on: her breath caught in her throat, tears began falling from her eyes, her face grew pale, and her hands began to violently shake.

“Yes...yes, okay. Okay, I understand. I’m on my way. Thank you.”

“Mama?” Roman asked questioningly.

Lily turned to her son and took both of his hands in hers.

“Dean’s been found,” Lily whispered. 

Roman immediately began to cry; a huge weight was lifted off his shoulders but almost immediately, an even heavier weight descended down over him.

“Is...is he…” he couldn’t form the question.

“He’s alive,” his mother confirmed. “He’s on the way to the hospital. Ro, I don’t know...all I know is what you know; he’s alive and he’s being taken to the hospital. I have to go, baby. Daddy’s on his way there right now.”

“Let’s go, then,” Roman started to get up but his mother put her hand on his shoulder.

“Listen, kiddo...baby...I promise you, I will call you as soon as I know what’s going on, but...it sounds like he’s kind of in rough shape. Can you...oh, my baby, I know you’ve waited so long but I think...I think it’s better if you wait here with Nana and Granddad and Seth. Let Daddy and I go to him and then later on you guys come out. Will you do that for me? Please?”

Roman thought that was the most horrible idea he had ever heard, but he could tell by his mother’s eyes that this was the best way. So although he couldn’t bring himself to speak, he nodded. His mother hugged him then, tighter than he could ever remember her hugging him before, and when she let go, tears were pouring down her face.

“I love you, Roman. I love you, baby. I promise, I’ll call you soon. I promise. Everything’s going to be okay now, kiddo. It’s over.” And then, Lily picked up her purse and keys and left.

Nana tried to comfort Roman, but he couldn’t make the tears stop, so he excused himself and went to his parents’ room, where Seth was sleeping fitfully. Roman crawled into the bed next to him and gently patted his shoulder. Seth was so tense that even the gently touch made him startle awake, and then he saw the tears on Roman’s cheeks.

“What...where...Roman? What’s happened? What’s wrong?”

“They’ve found Dean,” Roman whispered. Seth tried to jump up, but Roman wrapped him in a hug.

“What are we doing? We need to get dressed and go---” Seth began, but Roman interrupted.

“No...Seth, Mom left already,” Roman murmured. “I don’t know how it happened or anything else, and neither did she, so she...I think she thinks something might be up, because she promised she’d call us soon, but she thought we should stay here…”

“Something's up? Like...what?” Seth sounded stricken.

“I...don’t know,” Roman didn’t have a good answer either. Seth’s eyes filled with tears then, and Roman’s resumed falling. They curled up in their parents’ bed, held on to each other, and cried together, fear overshadowing any joy that might be found.

 

__________________________________________

 

He woke up without a clue where he was. He hurt; every part of him just...hurt. His vision was blurry. And then he heard a voice.

“Dean? You awake?”

As Dean’s vision slowly cleared, he realized that someone was leaning over him. It was a total stranger, which was absolutely NOT what Dean wanted to see right then. He was just too tapped out to move, but that didn’t stop him from squealing and beginning to cry again.

“Don’t be afraid buddy,” the voice said. “My name is Mike. I’m a paramedic. You’re on your way to the hospital, buddy.” 

It finally dawned on Dean that he was in an ambulance. So that meant he’d really made it...he was safe.

“Tell me what hurts,” Mike’s voice was calming. Dean moaned.

“Everything...I want my mother…” Hot tears continued to slide out of his eyes. 

“Your parents are going to meet us there. Don’t worry. I bet they’re really ready to see you. You’ve got some ugly bruises and a very high fever, Dean. Can you tell me anything about what happened?”

“N-no…” Dean’s brain felt foggy. “H-he took me away. I didn’t do it on p-purpose.”

“Of course you didn’t,” said Mike quietly. “Does your head hurt?”

“Y-yes…” 

“Okay. Try not to move. I’ve got you on an IV. We’re almost there.” Mike took Dean’s hand and gave it a squeeze. Dean closed his eyes.

Try not to move. Right, that wasn’t going to be a problem at all. Dean was trembling and when he said everything hurt he wasn’t kidding. His back felt awful; he thought he must be bleeding again because he could feel his shirt stick to his cuts. His entire lower abdomen felt like a thousand pins were poking him. His ribs ached. His head throbbed. And he wanted to vomit, but he just couldn’t. He had no energy. In fact, the last two or three times he had puked back at the house, he hadn’t wretched or gagged, at all. He physically couldn’t. Eventually it had just kind of worked its way back out. 

The ambulance hit a bump, which jarred Dean to his core, causing a mottled cry to fall from his lips. Mike, who had been listening to Dean’s chest, set the stethoscope around his neck and rested a hand on Dean’s face.

Quick enough, Dean could feel the rig stop, could hear voices and feel himself rolling smoothly again. Suddenly the lights hit him and he was inside the hospital. There were hands and loud talking, the feel of cold metal against his skin as his clothing was cut off his body, pain searing through him over and over each time a different part of his body was touched. About that time a horrible smell assaulted his senses, a smell of sickness, filth, rotting flesh, and he just couldn’t make any sense out of any of it, but the one thing he held onto were Mike’s words in the ambulance:

Your parents are going to meet us there.

His parents, plural. Daddy. Mama. Mama. The tears began to slide out of his eyes yet again. He wanted his mother. He closed his eyes and whimpered. 

More probing made him cry out from pain again and again as they asked questions he couldn’t even comprehend, nevermind answer, but a moment later the room went silent.

Dean smelled her before he saw her and that was the only thing that registered clearly.

Dove soap and apple chapstick.

Mama.

He forced his eyes open and cried out for her and the next thing he knew, she was there. All crazy blonde hair up in a haphazard bun, raw beauty in her tired face, intense fear in her eyes, tears drowning her face, but then blue eyes met blue and she leaned in close, until their noses touched, and a deep sob came from somewhere deep inside Dean as he tried to speak, tried to tell her, everything that was swirling around him. The only thing that came out, though, was a soft wail. 

“Mammmmaaaaa…” as the tears kept rolling. And then he heard her speak, her voice making the rest of the world fade away, her touch on his cheek not probing or rough, but soothing and soft.

“I’m here,” Lily murmured softly to Dean. “I’m here, sweetie. You’re safe.”

 

______________________________________

 

Tony arrived at the hospital at the exact same time as his wife, and together they sprinted into the Emergency Room. Pete had phoned ahead that they were on their way, and the ER staff didn’t even have to ask when they both exploded through the door. A nurse simply took Lily by the arm and guided them into triage, a place that, Tony knew, they weren’t exactly supposed to be, but he knew that as long as they didn’t get in the way they wouldn’t be asked to leave under these circumstances. Lily didn’t waste any time getting to their son’s side. Tony, however, stopped short.

Dean was---it was definitely Dean; there was no question about that, but he looked awful. He looked---well, barely human, to be honest. 

Angry red rash-like splotches covered his chest. His skin was yellowish in color, except for the bruises that littered him in varying stages of healing. His face was swollen and flushed, his eyes glassy, the rest of him bony and thin. The smell was God-awful. It smelled like infection and illness, and a body that hadn’t been bathed in two weeks. Traces of vomit lingered too, and it didn’t take long for Tony to assess that while Dean was there and whole and visible, he was also very, very sick and maybe badly hurt.

The nightmare was not over yet. 

The Herculean feeling of rage that began to wash over Tony was white hot and full of fury, as he took it all in and he was overcome with the desire to get his gun, find the person who had caused his boy all of this pain, and give him a taste of his own medicine. But then he noticed Lily.

She’d taken Dean’s hand and leaned in close to him and was softly soothing the sobbing boy. The entire staff of doctors and nurses had taken a step back, aware somehow that Dean needed this, this moment, to see his mother and know she was there and that no one else was going to be allowed to harm him and to be honest, Lily needed it too, to see Dean, to touch him, to make peace with the fact that he was really THERE, right in front of them. There was a note of tenderness in her voice that Tony didn’t think he’d ever heard before, a calm reassurance even though she clearly wanted to just freak out. 

Their son, no matter his condition, had been found. That was the critical step; the rest, God-willing, could be dealt with. The only thing that mattered right now was Dean understanding that he wasn’t alone. 

Tony felt the rage drain out of him then, as he slowly stepped over and took his place at the other side of his boy. There was a whole gamut of emotion in Dean’s eyes, but the minute he trained them on his father, the two that dominated his gaze were easily relief and hope. 

Ever so slowly, nurses began working on Dean once again as the doctor on call palpated his skin, ordered blood tests and wrote things down on a chart. Tony heard someone say that Dean had a high fever and badly infected wounds on his back, but his eyes never strayed from his boy’s face. And when he picked up Dean’s other hand, a strange calm washed over them both. 

In an act that Tony would be thankful for later, the nurses allowed him to help them as they rolled Dean to one side. He cried out and his mother flinched and when Tony looked down he could see exactly what the doctor had been talking about; there were several angry red gashes on his boy’s back. Tony knelt down so he could hold Dean’s hands as he shrieked in agony while his mother carefully bathed his back. 

“You’re okay,” Tony said softly. “It’s okay.” And when Dean was rolled back to his back, the expression in his eyes told Tony that he knew his father was right. 

The nightmare may not be over, but it was definitely winding down.


	60. Reunited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over 7,000 views! Yay! I struggled with this chapter; I really wanted to convey the emotion of this event that the family is experiencing. I hope I did it justice!

Seth and Roman waited as patiently as they could for news from their parents about their brother, but it was the hardest thing ever. Nana and Granddad did their best to distract them. They just couldn’t though. Dean being found in such awful shape that they weren’t even allowed to see him wasn’t something Seth had ever even considered.

An hour or so after their mother left, he and Roman disengaged from their embrace and each had changed into clean underwear and sweats, then wandered out to the living room to play Call of Duty, though neither of their hearts were really in it. The game didn’t take too long.

Finally, FINALLY, about three hours later, they were sitting at the kitchen table lifelessly poking at the ham and eggs Nana had made them when both of their phones started blowing up. It looked like Mom and Dad were in a texting frenzy.

Mom: _Come on out._  
Dad: _Dean needs a few things. Can you bring him some clean boxers, comfy sweats, the fleece blanket Mama made him, deodorant, his pillow, his camera, the charger, a few DVDs, some books, Chapstick, his toothbrush and toothpaste, and his body pillow?_  
Mom: _Make sure you guys are dressed comfy._  
Dad: _He could be here for awhile. The docs are running some tests._  
Mom: _Brother is pretty sick but doing okay. Exhausted but is begging to see you._  
Dad: _Needs you guys. Mommy and I are so proud of all three of you._  
Mom: _I love you boys._  
Dad: _Nana and Granddad will drive you._  
Mom: _Before you leave, take a picture of Dean’s birthday gift please._  
Dad: _Love you fellas._

It sort of reminded Seth of those Animal Planet videos where a shark smelled blood and attacked, but he was too giddy to care. He was going to go see Dean! Just 12 hours ago he’d been convinced that he would never ever see Dean again, and now, as soon as they finished packing his bag, he was going to go to the hospital and see Dean.

He and Roman chattered excitedly while they rounded up all of the things on their dad’s list and packed them into Dean’s red duffle bag, and then Roman took his phone outside to take pics of Dean’s birthday gift, a big, red Ford truck. Soon enough it would be Seth’s turn to start learning to drive, and while the thought terrified him, he was still kind of excited. He hoped his brothers would be willing to teach him.

The last text that Roman and Seth received was from their Dad. It was a photo. Dean was laying in a hospital bed and Mama was laying beside him. Her forehead was pressed against his, and he looked like he was asleep. She was gazing at him with a soft smile on her lips. It looked so beautiful and natural, and Seth thought to himself that no matter what shape Dean was in, he was just happy to have him back. Now, as a family, they would rally around him and help him heal. 

 

______________________________

 

Once the IV went into Dean’s wrist and some fluids started dripping in to him, he began to pep up just a little, which to Lily was both a blessing and a curse. Listening to him attempt to answer some of the doctors’ many questions made her want to throw things. 

_Dean? Can you tell me the last time you peed?_  
“Umm...I think it was...the day before yesterday?”

_Does it hurt when you go?_  
“It...it burns…”

_How’d you get those cuts on your back?_  
“I...don’t know.”

_They’re pretty big. Are you sure you don’t know?_  
“I don’t r-remember…”

Lily and Tony were allowed to stay by his side, and that seemed to help. He didn’t seem to be that scared really; it became very clear very quickly that it was because he wasn’t completely with it, but every so often he'd whimper,

"I need Ro." Or "I need Seth." Or "where are they?"

There had been desperation in his voice.

His temp was 104, but Lily had seen the cuts on his back; in fact she had been the one to bathe him, so she’d seen all the damage. The bruised ribs (x-rays weren’t back yet but she was sure a few were broken), the bruise on the face. The cuts and slashes and bruises that littered Dean’s back. To Lily, it looked very painfully as though he’d been whipped with a belt. Whether he honestly didn’t remember or didn’t want to talk about it or just couldn’t yet get the words out remained to be seen, but several of those slashes were very angry looking, red and yellow, and they oozed. He must have been in awful pain. 

Lily knew that by the yellowish color of Dean’s skin that his kidneys weren’t in great shape and his liver may not be either (although the whites of his eyes had been nice and white). She could also tell that he was incredibly dehydrated. Nevermind the beet red patches of skin that covered his body; it appeared as though he’d chafed. But then, two weeks in the same clothing and no opportunity to bathe wasn’t good for anyone’s skin. All of it seemed to be swirling into an ugly little cocktail of illness and yet...there he was. Right there in front of her and she couldn’t help but feel as though as long as she was with him, she could fix him. She could make it better.

And as soon as his brothers arrived, that would help. 

Once the ER staff had finished their initial examinations, Dean had x-rays of his rib cage and spine, and then ultrasounds of his kidneys and liver, and a nurse added a bag of antibiotics to his IV. And then finally he was sent to a room while they waited for his test results. At some point in the middle of all of this, her sweetie had fallen asleep. It wasn’t a surprise, given his high temperature and the pain meds he’d been given, so Lily crawled into his bed and snuggled him. 

After she’d bathed him he smelled much better. So she’d pulled out her phone and sent Roman and Seth a few texts; they’d be here soon. 

In the meantime, Lily continued to cuddle Dean. Because no fucking way was she EVER letting him go, at least not for awhile. She could get up to pee, and to talk to the doctors, but she had no intention of letting this precious baby out of her sight. As he slept, she murmured quiet words of love and comfort into his ear. She was desperate to know what had happened, who had taken him and whether their suspicions had been right but for now, the most important thing was keeping her baby warm, comfortable, and safe.

An hour or so later, the boys and their grandparents arrived. Tony met them at the door of Dean’s room and enveloped them into a huge bear hug. Roman already had tears streaming down his cheeks, and he immediately came to Dean’s bedside and took his brother’s hand. Seth held back though; Lily couldn’t tell what he was feeling, but she opted to let him take a minute.

“Can I...can I touch him?” Seth whispered.

“Of course you can,” Lily crooned. “In fact…”

Lily got up, crossed the room, and gently took Seth by the hand. She guided him to the side of his bed and gestured for him to climb up.

“You...you’re sure I won’t hurt him?” Seth’s voice was still a whisper, but Lily could immediately tell that he wanted this closeness with his brother. She nodded.

“I’m positive. Come on. It’s okay.”

And Seth crawled in to Dean’s bed with him and rested his forehead against his brother’s.

“We’re here, Dean,” Seth murmured. Roman looked over at his mother.

“Is he...going to be okay?” Roman asked softly.

“I think so. He’s had a bunch of tests and we don’t know any of the results. We’re just kind of waiting to see, but...he’s much calmer now than he was. Less shaky. He still has a fever but it’s better. So we’re just...we’re just going to take care of him. All of us as a family.”

Roman nodded.

“You want to get in there too?” Lily asked him gently. Roman nodded.

“Okay. It’s a tight fit but I think he’ll be okay with it.”

And soon enough, Lily gazed over as all three of her boys snuggled up together, Dean sandwiched in the arms of his brothers. She draped Dean's blanket over them. The monitor tracking his heartbeat was steady, constant, and then, her beautiful, precious boy opened his eyes. Seth looked back into them.

“Hey, D,” he whispered.

“Seth?” Dean mumbled. “Seth? You’re here…”

“I’m here. Roman is too. And Mama and Daddy. We’re all here, Deano.”

“Ro?” Dean’s voice was still small and weak, but he smiled just a little when Roman rested his cheek against Dean’s.

“Yeah. I’m here, brother,” Roman’s voice was tender. “I’m here; we’re all here. It’s over. Now all you’ve got to do is get better.”

A soft whine escaped Dean’s lips, but he didn’t seem distressed. In fact it looked as though he’d gone back to sleep, until Lily heard him whisper,

“Love you.”

“We love you too,” Roman replied, right as Seth whispered,

“Love you, Dean.”

Lily and Tony watched this whole exchange with tears in their eyes; the band was back together. All three of their boys were there, their oldest and youngest doing what they could to help keep Dean comfortable and safe. The family was whole again. Tony wrapped his arm around his wife, and she laid her head on his shoulder as one by one, their kids drifted off to sleep. 

They continued to watch over their three boys as the day progressed. Any time Dean made so much as a whimper, one of his brothers would quietly shush him and squeeze his hands, and Dean would always settle. Nurses came and went, adding things to his IV, taking his temperature, and checking his wounds, but he barely stirred. He was finally in a safe place surrounded by the four people who loved him more than anything. As she watched her boys, Lily found herself thinking that as long as she lived, there wouldn’t be another moment as precious as this.

The doctor arrived then, and pulled Lily and Tony out into the hall. It was time to discuss Dean’s test results.


	61. Dream a Little Dream of Dean

After checking with their boys to make sure they were okay, Tony and Lily went to the office of the doctor who had treated Dean when he arrived. They were surprised to find the boys’ doctor, Dr. Enderle, was present, along with Seth’s psychiatrist Dr. Bushman, and a few people Tony didn’t know. Dr. Enderle handled the introductions.

“Lily, Tony, this is Dr. Todd Woolley. He’s a kidney specialist. This is Dr. Jamie Smith, who handles infectious diseases. This is Jade Clements, a physical therapist, and of course you know Dr. B.”

Tony nodded.

“So...kidneys. That sounds like where this is headed…” Lily began softly. Dr. Woolley smiled kindly at her.

“Dean is very severely dehydrated,” he began. “When you’re dehydrated, your muscles and bodily functions just don’t work. The kidneys are one of the first things to struggle when that happens. Dean’s kidneys are only running at about 50% capacity right now. That’s due to the dehydration. On top of that, he has a very severe kidney infection.”

Tony looked at the man; he just wanted the diagnosis and what to be done about it. The details didn’t matter.

“Okay. So what do we do about it?” Tony asked.

“Well, the deal is this,” said Dr. Woolley. “At 50% capacity, Dean can survive. The infection has to be addressed and we’re giving him antibiotics in his IV. We’re also flushing him with fluids; the idea is to rehydrate rapidly and see if that gets his kidneys going again. We want him to get back to higher kidney function so he doesn’t have any long term effects. But what you need to know is that there’s a possibility that the kidney function he’s lost will never be restored. There’s also a possibility that Dean’s kidneys will continue to fail even with treatment.”

“So...wait,” Lily began. “If his kidneys don’t restore function, he can get by with...what, a special diet? But if the kidney failure can’t be reversed…”

“There’s a possibility that he’ll end up needing a transplant,” Dr. Woolley said gently.

“A transplant,” Tony repeated.

“It’s a remote possibility right now,” Dr. Woolley answered. “I wish I could put a number on it for you but it just doesn’t work that way...so we’re going to watch him very closely over the next few days and keep up the antibiotics.”

Lily heaved a huge sigh and Tony squeezed her hand.

“My poor kid just can’t catch a break,” she muttered. 

“Well...I wish my news was better,” Dr. Smith took over the conversation. “But several of the cuts on Dean’s back are severely infected with streptococcus. The antibiotics will fight that but what I’m very concerned about right now is the infection getting into his blood. Those cuts are so bad that to be honest, I’m a little surprised that hasn’t happened already. We’re going to keep the wounds clean now that he’s here and keep the antibiotics going and hopefully we can keep the infections contained.”

This time it was Tony’s turn to sigh. 

“Okay...so we’re basically in prevention mode right now?” 

Both specialists nodded.

“Okay. How about you, Dr. Bushman? Wanna diagnose him with schizophrenia or something too?” Tony asked.

Dr. B. laughed a bit.

“No. No, no, I’m just here to let you guys know that I’m going to be here for your sons. Not just Seth but Dean and even Roman too if any of them needs it. I’ve been working with Seth for long enough that I think those boys are pretty comfortable by now. So I want you to call me if anything comes up. This has been a very traumatic event for Dean and his brothers too, but Dean especially. I know he’s resting well right now, but once all the meds wear off and everything has a chance to sink in...just know the offer is out there,” Dr. Bushman told Lily and Tony.

This brought tears to Lily’s eyes.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“It’s my pleasure,” Dr. B. answered.

“Now Ms. Jade here,” Dr. Enderle said, “is going to help with any physical therapy Dean might need as he recovers. His muscle tone is very poor right now, both from lack of activity and lack of proper nourishment. He’s too weak to start yet but once he’s ready, she’ll take over his care.”

“Okay,” Lily murmured. “Anything else we need to know?”

Dr. Enderle and the ER doctor, Dr. Adams, exchanged glances.

“Yeah...so his spinal column is in good shape but his ribs...he has 3 fractures and several deep bruises in the bones,” Dr. Adams said softly. “Some sort of blunt force trauma...when he’s feeling up to talking to the police, perhaps he can verify how that happened but injuries like that are fairly consistent with child abuse. Usually the result   
of some pretty hard kicks.”

“Oh God…” Lily murmured. Her face...Tony didn’t have a good, accurate word to describe the look on his wife’s face. It was a combination of horrified, terrified, and just...sad. It enraged him to know that someone, very likely Dean’s own flesh and blood, had caused him those injuries.

“How...how you think he got the cuts and bruises on his back?” Lily wanted to know.

Dr. Enderle and Dr. Adams exchanged glances again.

“I...well,” Dr. Adams began, “if I had to guess, I’d say those are probably result of being whipped with a belt…”

And that is when Tony put his fist through the wall.

 

___________________________________________

 

Roman woke up to warmth. For a second, he wasn’t sure where he was or what was going on and then he realized that Dean was in his arms. Dean was in his arms, Seth was on the other side, they were all together, and there was a blanket wrapped around them. Instantly, relief and calm washed over him. 

They were together. Roman, Dean, and Seth were together again. No one was missing anymore. And by the peaceful look on his brother’s face, Roman knew that Dean was at the very least comfortable. He laid there for a moment, debating whether he wanted to get up or just enjoy the coziness he was feeling in bed with his brothers. It didn’t take him long to decide that he wasn’t ready to let go yet.

Before long, he became aware that his grandfather was in the room too, but he didn’t see Nana or his parents.

“They’re talking to the doctors,” Granddad explained when Roman asked. “And Nana went to get some snacks. You need anything, son?”

Roman shook his head; everything he needed was right where it was supposed to be. Talk about getting an early Christmas wish.

Mama came back after a bit, all by herself.

“Where’s Dad?” Roman wanted to know. His mother smiled wrily.

“He, uh---he’s getting his hand x-rayed,” Lily replied softly.

“What? Why? What happened?” Roman whispered.

“He...got a little overwhelmed while we were talking to the doctors, and he had a bit of an altercation with a wall,” Lily replied. “He’s been holding in the stress of all of this for way too long. He’s okay. They’ll fix him up.”

“How about Dean? Is Dean okay?” Roman demanded.

“Dean will be. He needs some good healing time and a lot of TLC,” Lily answered. She approached the bed and softly ran her fingers through Dean’s honey colored   
hair. “He looks comfortable.”

“Neither of them has moved,” Roman confirmed. Lily smiled at him.

“That’s because you’re the best big brother in the world and they know they’re safe,” his mother told him. Roman just smiled.

Safe was a delightful word. Dean was safe. Seth was safe. Roman was safe. 

“So, Ro...you wanna change what you wanted for Christmas?” Lily said suddenly, a wide grin on her face.

“Um...I’ll think about it,” replied Roman. “But I think you should get Dean whatever he wants.”

“Oh, done,” Lily replied. “In fact, I’m hoping that once your daddy is back up here, Nana and I can go hit the stores hardcore and get it all knocked out. Then tomorrow you and Seth can go with Dad and Granddad to get a tree. I want the house all ready for when Dean comes home.”

“When IS Dean coming home?” Dean shifted in his sleep then, a soft moan escaping his lips. Lily started to stand but Roman had it handled; he gently moved so that his brother was comfortably leaning back against him and wrapped a soothing arm around his brother’s waist. He noticed his mother’s bright smile.

“Well...we don’t know for sure, kiddo,” Mama answered. “My guess about a week? He’s got to stay on the antibiotics and fluids in his IV for several days minimum. He’s so dehydrated that it’s kind of wreaking havoc on the rest of his body, so rehydrating is a must.”

Roman nodded; that made sense. Every one of his football coaches had always stressed the importance of drinking tons of fluids throughout the day and especially during practice and games. It made him wonder if his brother hadn’t been given enough water, and he asked his mother as much. Lily sighed.

“You know---until Dean is feeling up to talking about it, we can’t know for sure about any of what happened, but the signs all point to him not being given a whole lot of anything. We know he was never allowed to bathe the whole time. He had to have been given at least a little water because you can’t survive two weeks without it, but it had to have been the bare minimum he needed,” Lily leaned over and kissed Roman’s cheek, then felt Dean’s forehead.

“I think his fever is coming back,” she said. “I’m going to grab a nurse. Be right back.”

Roman indeed could feel heat beginning to radiate off Dean, and about that time, his brother started to shiver again. This wasn’t the same kind of cozy warmth he’d been feeling twenty minutes ago, and he briefly wondered if he should get up and wake Seth, but then Lily returned with a nurse, who injected something into Dean’s IV. 

Their mother ran her fingers through Dean’s hair, which was beginning to curl at the ends. The whole time, except for the shivering, Dean didn’t move. But Seth woke up sweaty.

“Why’s it so hot in----oh. Is Dean---is he okay?” Seth murmured.

“He’s good. He’s been sleeping the whole time,” Lily replied gently. She patted the space next to her on the loveseat. Seth climbed out of Dean’s bed and scooted up next to their mother. She pulled him into her lap. Seth’s legs hung off of her and he was as tall as she was like that.

“When did you grow so much, bub?” Lily wondered.

“Well...I can’t help it and it keeps happening,” Seth said. “I need new skinny jeans.”

“Already? Didn’t I just buy you new jeans for school?”

“Yeah, but...they come up over my ankles…” Seth confessed. Lily laughed.

“Well, it’s almost Christmas. I think we can probably get you some new jeans.”

“Hey, what about me?” Roman demanded.

“Ro, you really---I don’t think skinny jeans are your thing,” Lily teased him gently.

“I don’t want skinny jeans,” Roman wrinkled his nose. “I just want new jeans in general.”

“What kind of jeans?”

“True Religion,” Roman replied.

“Those are like $300!” Seth squeaked.

“$350...but that’s what kind I want,” Roman replied, and then suddenly he was gripped with a panicky thought.

“Mom! What do I get Megan for Christmas?”

Lily laughed, which irritated Roman to no end.

“It’s not funny! It’s our first Christmas together! I have to think of something awesome…”

“Haven’t I taught you that’s not what Christmas is about?” Lily asked.

“Yes but...but...just humor me!” Roman was aware he sounded desperate, but he kind of was. He couldn’t believe that Christmas was just two weeks away and he   
hadn’t given gifts for his girlfriend a single thought.

Did that make him a crappy boyfriend? He thought it probably did, and Megan deserved much better than a crappy boyfriend. Luckily, before Roman resorted to anything drastic, Seth proposed an ingenious idea:

“Why don’t you just ask Daddy for advice?”

And Mama nodded her agreement.

“Take it from me. Daddy’s pretty good in the gift choosing department. It’s not a bad idea, Ro.”

“What did Dad give you for your first Christmas, Mom?” Roman asked his mother anxiously.

“Hmm...well, earrings, candles, and the keys to our first house. But remember, we were a lot older than you and we were also engaged by our first Christmas. So I’m not suggesting a house, and I’m definitely not suggesting you get engaged.”

Roman and Seth both laughed. 

“Don’t worry,” Roman said. “Neither of us is near ready for that. Even if I asked I don’t think she’d say yes.”

“You’d be surprised, I think,” Lily replied earnestly. “But I’m glad to hear that you’re not ready. I love Megan and I think you two are perfect for each other, but you still have your whole lives ahead of you. There’s time.”

“Yeah...I know,” Roman replied.

The truth was, Roman wasn’t sure he knew what love was; he WAS just 16 after all. But if love was what he THOUGHT it was, then he was in love with Megan. And it   
felt really, really good.

 

________________________________________

 

Twelve hours. That’s how much time had passed since Dean had been brought into the Emergency Room, and Lily still had a hard time grasping it. He was right there in front of her; she could touch him and hold him, and she knew he was there and as safe as he could be, sick as he was. But it was still unbelievable to her that he’d been taken in the first place, so the knowledge that he was where he needed to be was difficult as well.

Tony had returned to Dean’s hospital room with a bandaged right hand; nothing was broken, he had explained, but he had some bad bruises and the doctor had gone ahead and splinted him up and given him instructions to take Advil and put ice on it. So of course, what he had done instead was take Roman and Seth to find a Christmas tree.   
Under normal circumstances, this would have annoyed Lily, and she probably would have scolded her husband and called him a hot head. These weren’t normal circumstances, though. She didn’t condone him punching anything, but she also understood exactly how Tony felt. And honestly, she was kind of relieved herself. As much as she needed to shop for her sons' Christmas gifts, she couldn't bring herself to leave her baby's side just yet.

She was, understandably, desperate to know what had happened, mainly because she wanted to know who she needed to kill, but the combination of sickness, meds, and sheer exhaustion had Dean still out cold, with the exception of a few soft moans and whimpers here and there. As much as she wanted him to wake up and talk to her, she was relieved that he was comfortable and getting the rest he so clearly needed. 

Lily didn’t think that there was any worse feeling as a mother than being forcibly separated from her child. Except maybe having him returned to her in the state he was in. 

But that was dumb; she did have him back and that was supposed to be all that mattered. Lily supposed that it WAS the thing that mattered the most.

So that night, it was just the two of them. Tony and the boys were still looking for a tree, and Lily’s parents had gone back to the house after bringing her some clothes, snacks, and dinner from Red Robin. The plan was for Tony, Roman, and Seth to get the tree, put it up in the tree stand, and then they’d all shower and change before coming up to the hospital for the night. Lily and Tony had both tried to convince the boys to go home and sleep and then come back in the morning, but Roman and Seth wouldn’t have it. They’d been separated from their brother long enough.

As much as Lily loved her boys and her husband, she was pretty okay with some quiet alone time with her middle child, this precious gift that had been stolen and then by some sort of grace, returned. She spent it studying him carefully.

Bruises or not, her son still had the face of an angel. 

Lily couldn’t help herself; she crawled into Dean’s bed with him then and snuggled up beside him. And there they laid for awhile. She sang to him softly; Dream a Little Dream; Godspeed; just any song that came to her mind. Between the soft songs, and the quiet “I love you’s” whispered into Dean’s ear, eventually, his eyes fluttered open.

“Hello there, sweetie,” Lily whispered. 

Lily was gazing into Dean’s eyes; she saw the recognition, but she wasn’t prepared for what happened next.

Dean’s eyes filled with tears, and then his face crumbled and he started to cry.

“Mama...Mama…”

“Dean?”

“Don’t leave me,” Dean whimpered. Lily wiped his tears with her thumbs, but they continued to fall down her baby’s face.

“Shhh...I’m not going anywhere, baby.”

“I th-thought you were d-dead…don’t leave me…”

“No, no...I’m right here. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere, my beautiful boy. I’m right here.” Lily whispered softly, tenderly swiping Dean’s hair away from his face. She offered him her arms and he tried to hang on to her, but his grip was so weak it was barely a squeeze.

“He said that you were d-dead,” Dean repeated, deep sniffles shaking his body to the core.

“I’m okay. Dean. Oh, Dean. I’m right here. I’m right here and everything is going to be just fine, my love,” Lily rested her forehead against her son’s. It was making her heart break; seeing him so upset, feeling him try desperately to hang onto her but not having the strength to quite do it. Soothing him was not working; she didn’t have the words he needed to hear. So instead, she hugged her baby close, rubbed his shoulder blades, and murmured her strength into his ear. Then she began singing again.

_Stars shining bright above you._  
Night breezes seem to whisper “I love you.”  
Birds singing in the sycamore tree  
dream a little dream of me… 

He began to relax so she kept going.

_Say nighty night and kiss me._  
Just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me.  
While I’m alone and blue as can be,   
dream a little dream of me. 

Eventually, Dean’s body went limp in her arms; his eyes were closed and the peaceful look had returned to his round face. She didn’t let go of him though. She wasn’t sure she would ever be able to do that again. Instead, she alternated between whatever song she could think of and quietly murmuring,

“It’s okay. I love you. I’m here.”

This revelation that Dean had thought she was dead nearly tore her to pieces on the inside. She decided then and there that he was never going to have to doubt it again.


	62. Please, Daddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter...ugh, this chapter. I know it got long, and I know it took awhile, but I was stuck in grad school paper hell for a bit, and then once I started actually typing this, it didn't stop coming until it was done (those of you who write know what this is like).
> 
> Also, I know we've only really heard from Dean and Lily the last two chapters, and I promise that'll change coming up...this one was pretty integral to the process though.

Dean spent the majority of the first three days after his ordeal ended sleeping. It was easy; he really couldn’t seem to help it, which was a good thing. For one, he couldn’t feel the pain. His body had a lot of healing to do, and the simplicity of sleeping through that was welcome. For another, as long as he was asleep, or at least incredibly out of it, no one expected anything out of him. 

In fact, in the entire three days, Dean could really only remember three moments in time, possibly a total of fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes out of seventy two hours. The other roughly 4,300 minutes were lost, but that was okay. He remembered waking up startled and whimpering, but then feeling the unmistakable touch of his mother’s soft hand on the back of his neck and hearing her voice in front of him. He couldn’t move and it took him a moment, but he realized then that his father was laying in bed behind him, holding him close, and Mama was in a chair right beside him. It didn’t take long for him to succumb to his exhaustion. 

He also remembered waking up to the scent of Roman’s Axe body wash and when he opened his eyes he discovered that his face had been buried into his older   
brother’s neck, and Seth was on his other side stretched out with them. He also realized that he could hear his parents and Dr. Bushman talking. He heard Dr. B. murmur,

“He certainly doesn’t seem too frightened.”

Dean thought to himself that he wasn’t scared because he was no longer in danger and surrounded by his family, so there just wasn’t any reason to be. But instead of attempting to say so he’d gone back to sleep. 

The third thing he remembered was waking up cold. His eyes flew open and it was immediately clear that he was alone. What the hell? 

“Mama?” Dean managed to croak out, panic rising in his throat, and then...he heard the toilet flush, followed by the running of water in the bathroom sink, and moments later, he was being pulled into his mother’s arms.

“Just had to pee,” she whispered. “Daddy and Roman and Sethie will be back soon. Shhh...it’s okay, sweetie.”

And once again, Dean closed his eyes and drifted back to oblivion.

Now, three days later, he woke up and something told him that there would be no more days of napping. He tried to stretch, but pain shot down his back. Then he tried to talk, but his throat was scratchy and garbled. He opened his eyes. His parents were asleep on the loveseat together and the room was dark. It must be night time…

Indeed, the clock on the wall said 4:09; the dim room told him it was am, not pm. Ughhhh...he was too damn uncomfortable. Waking his parents was the only option. 

“Mama?” Dean whispered, unable to make his voice louder. Lily didn’t stir so Dean tried again.

“Mama?” 

Still no movement a few feet away from him, and he began to feel frantic; it really was starting to hurt.

“Mammmmma? Dadddddddyyyyyyyy!” Dean scrunched up his face with all his might and managed to wail. That got his parents’ attention.

“Wha?” Tony grunted, sitting up straight.

“Baby? Dean?” Lily crawled over Tony and took her son’s hand. Dean held onto her as hard as he could.

“Mama? Mommy, it hurts,” he moaned. 

“What? What hurts?” Lily murmured a soft response, as she stroked the side of his face.

“My back…” 

“You want to lay on your side, sweetness?” Lily asked him and Dean nodded. His parents helped him roll to the left, which took the pressure of the sores on his back, but he immediately realized this wasn’t going to work when the pain jumped to his rib cage.

“No...no, this isn’t better,” he managed to choke out. 

“How bad does it hurt, sweetheart?” 

“Seven...almost eight,” Dean replied, still clinging to his mother’s hand. 

“Let’s try the other side,” Tony said and helped Dean roll over again, but that was even worse. 

“No,” Dean moaned again. 

“Okay. Hang on, buddy.”

Tony left the room and returned with a nurse, who injected something into Dean’s IV. Instantly, he felt a warm tingling throughout his body. It still hurt, but the warmth spread until instead of a loud screaming pain, he felt just a soft hum. Dean wanted it to go away completely, but he could settle for this. Hell, he could almost relax now.

He closed his eyes, then opened them. 

“Mommy?”

“Yeah, sweetness?” Lily answered.

“I want my clothes, Mama,” Dean sighed. “I want my own clothes. Please?” 

He was abruptly aware that he was wearing a hospital gown, although at some point, someone had gotten him into clean underwear.

“Tell you what...in a little bit we’ll get you a sponge bath and change you into some sweats. Sound good?” Lily asked.

Dean nodded.

“How’s it feel now?” 

“Like...like a 5…” Dean whispered. The pain was no longer awful, but he just couldn’t get comfortable. “I want Roman. And Seth. I want Roman and Seth.”

“Aww, baby. I know you were asleep last night when they left.” Lily stroked Dean’s hair.

“They’re at home, bud,” Tony chimed in. “Nana and Granddad took them home so they could get a good night’s sleep. And it’s---” Tony looked up at the clock. “It’s 5 am. Go back to sleep, Dean. I know you’ve slept a bunch in the last few days but you still need your rest.”

“It still hurts. I don’t think I can,” Dean mumbled. He attempted to curl up but a sharp stabbing jolt up his side made him cry out.

“It’s okay,” Lily still absently ran her fingers through his hair, gently massaging the back of his head. “Just relax. Try to just relax.”

Dean tried. He really did. But he just couldn’t and soon he was feeling frustrated. He knew he was still tired, but his brain felt more awake than it had in days. He didn’t feel afraid. That much he knew; with his parents by his side, he had never felt more safe. He kind of felt like he SHOULD be more afraid; there was really nothing stopping Brad from coming to the hospital, but his parents were a thousand times tougher than Brad, and his father carried a gun. Suddenly a cold thought gripped him though.

“Mama? What if he tries to take Roman and Seth?”

“Who, sweetheart?”

“Brad...Brad might...Mama, he might steal them…”

“Shh...they’re fine, baby.”

“They’re protected, Dean. Don’t worry. There are people there with them who will keep them safe,” Tony told him quietly.

“So that’s...that’s who you were with?” Lily asked, just as quietly. Dean froze.

He hadn’t meant to say that. God knows, he knew that eventually he was going to have to divulge what he knew about where he had been and what had happened, but...he wasn’t ready yet, and he told his parents so. He was fairly surprised when they gently agreed.

“You know that until you make a statement there’s nothing they can officially do,” his father said, “but if you’re not ready to tell us, we’ll respect that.”

Dean was thankful, but he knew his father was right. 

“I’ll tell you. Later,” he murmured, deciding to wait until Roman and Seth were there too.

Dean only wanted to have to say it once.

 

_____________________________________

 

It didn’t bother Lily that Dean wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. It really didn’t.

She totally thought it would, too.

Instead, what bothered her was the pain in his eyes. Even with pain meds, he couldn’t get comfortable enough to go back to sleep. Laying on his back aggravated the cuts, which looked better with each dressing change, but were still deep and ugly; at one point, as a nurse gently rubbed some cream into them, Lily swore she could actually see the throbbing. They were no longer that furious red that they had been a couple of days ago, but even without that, they were painful and deep. If he’d gotten medical treatment immediately afterwards, they probably would have required stitches, but it was too late for that now.

Dean couldn’t comfortably rest on either side either; both sent pain through his rib cage. Again, the bruises looked better, but they were still glaringly visible, almost as though they were taunting Lily with the hurt her son was feeling, hurt that only time could fix.

The most horrible part of motherhood, she knew, was watching one of her boys in pain and not being able to fix it.

They had even tried rolling Dean onto his stomach, but that had lasted all of five seconds before he’d gasped that he couldn’t breathe very well. This was so difficult. And Lily was willing to do whatever it took to help her baby, but she couldn’t deny that it had been easier when he could sleep through it. As excited as she was that he was starting to come back into himself, she started to wonder if it was worth it yet.

For awhile, Tony had rested one hand on the back of Dean’s neck and the other on one of his hips and held him in a semi-seated position. No part of him had too much pressure on it, and it was good for their boy, but Dean was still a 16-year-old manchild, and while he’d lost quite a bit of weight, he was still heavy. Tony could only hold him like that for so long before his arms just wouldn’t do it anymore. Then they were back where they started.

It was Tony who’d had the idea.

“Hey---buddy? Think you can get to your knees for just a second?” He helped Dean up and motioned for Lily to get up on the bed. Then he helped Dean turn around and laid him against his mother. They were belly to belly then, Dean’s knees tucked under him, cheek on his mama’s shoulder. She was able to gently hold him, sure to avoid the bandages on his back, and suddenly, with no pressure on any of his wounds, he had heaved a giant sigh.

Calm. Relief. Safe. 

Those were the things suddenly radiating off her baby as she placed a kiss on the top of his head, then looked at her husband gratefully. Tony simply nodded, tucked a blanket around them, and then curled back up on the loveseat. Lily couldn’t see Dean’s face, but it didn’t take long for his breathing to even out and his body to melt against her and she knew he’d finally gone back to sleep. And eventually, secure in the knowledge that her son was finally comfy and relaxed, so did Lily.

She woke up to the feeling of someone nuzzling her arm, and she smiled when she realized her parents had brought the boys back, and Seth had crawled up into bed with her and Dean. For a moment she gazed into his huge brown eyes and he stared back at her, a hint of worry ghosting his face. Then he looked down at Dean.

“He’s sleeping,” Seth murmured.

“Yeah. He’s still doing good, bub. You sleep well?” Lily whispered. Seth shrugged and cozied up and rested his head on her free shoulder; she caught her father’s eye over the top of her son, and he shook his head slightly. So her baby had another rough night...well, that was to be expected. Lily knew this. And there was plenty of time to help him make it better.

“Where’s Ro?” Lily continued to whisper, not keen on waking Dean OR Tony. 

“He and Nana went down to the cafeteria to get breakfast,” Seth’s murmured response came as he reached across his mother for his brother’s hand. 

“Okay,” Lily replied. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Mama. Mama? When can we all just go home?”

Lily’s right hand found Seth’s hair, and her left hand found Dean’s. Dean sighed in his sleep and she could feel Seth relax.

“I don’t know yet, bub. Maybe in another day or two they’ll start seeing how he does with food. He’s gotta be able to eat at least a little before he can leave.”

“I want him to be home for Christmas,” Seth whispered.

“I know. Me too. But that’s still 10 days away, right? And if he can’t come home, why, we’ll just bring Christmas to Dean. It’ll work out. Life isn’t always ideal right? But we always manage. We’re together, bub. That’s what matters.”

“Yeah,” Seth said softly. “That’s what matters. But...Mama? Can we still celebrate Dean’s birthday?”

“Of course.”

“Did you show him pictures of his truck yet?” Lily knew what this was; this had long been one of Seth’s methods of self-soothing. She didn’t mind, not at all. It felt good to have her arms full again. 

“Not yet. He’s been too sleepy,” she whispered, planting a kiss on Seth’s forehead. “Know what? Maybe we’ll see how he’s feeling later and you guys can go home and get the presents we wrapped and we can have a little party for him right here.”

Seth nodded.

“I’d like that. I think he would too. And so would Roman.”

“I think you’re right.”

“Why can’t Dean eat?” Seth was still full of questions.

“For now, we don’t want to put any extra strain on his body. He’s still rehydrating. Plus he hasn’t eaten well for so long, it’s going to take time for him to be able to eat again. But he will. Everything takes too much time, huh?”

“Yeah. Mama?” 

“Yes, bub?”

“Are you sure Dean’s going to be okay?” Seth’s fingers gripped Dean’s hand tightly.

“Oh, baby. Yes. I’m sure Dean’s going to be okay.”

“Okay.”

Later that afternoon, it happened. Dean was ready to spill his guts. Tony summoned Pete, who showed up with a few members of the local police department, and they called Dr. Bushman in just to be on the safe side. Lily had to admit, though, that her son didn’t appear to be too unhappy or nervous about this. Pete agreed to let Tony ask the questions, assuming he kept himself under control and promised not to punch any more walls. Everyone involved agreed that being questioned by his father would be easiest for Dean.

“Buddy? Tell me what happened on Black Friday.”

Dean sighed; he was still relaxing upright in Lily’s arms, Seth still stretched out beside him, and now Roman was there and curled up at the foot of the bed. Tony sat in a chair beside them. Pete sat on the loveseat. The officers stood near the doorway with a tape recorder. And Dr. Bushman retreated to a corner and just observed.

“I...I was dumb, I guess. I left the house. I was just mad, you know? Not at Seth. Just in general. I miss Papa and I was having a hard time not going to his house on our first Thanksgiving without him.”

Tony nodded. 

“I understand, son. Believe me. So you and Seth had a spat, and you left. What happened next?”

“I got on my bike and I just rode out into the woods. I wasn’t really thinking about where I was going. I just wanted my brain to shut off but it wouldn’t. So I rode and rode and before I realized it, I was on the other side of the lake. I don’t know my way around that part of the property as well because we don’t usually make it that far.

“After a bit I started to feel like someone was watching me, but when I looked around I didn’t see anything so I kept going until I felt better about everything. I was going to come back and apologize to Seth. I kind of remember shadows moving around. And then...the next thing I know, I woke up someplace else.”

“Do you know where that was?”

“No. It was a house. A really small, old, worn out house. I...I was in a room. It didn’t have any windows. They gave me a blanket and when I woke up, I was on the floor in a corner.”

“Who is they, Dean?”

“Brad. And Tina.”

“Do you know Brad and Tina? Had you seen them before?”

“No, but...it didn’t happen right away, but I kind of figured out that Brad is my...he’s...my biological father.”

Lily inhaled sharply; there it was. Confirmation that Brad Hennigan had, in fact, been behind this whole thing, and the Tina Dean mentioned just had to be Tina Briggs. It was too much of a coincidence otherwise.

“Okay...your biological father. Did he say why he took you?”

“He...at first, he wanted to ask you and Mom for money.” Dean gripped her hand and she squeezed back.

“Did Brad ever do anything to hurt you, Dean?” Tony’s voice was gentle and calm, no doubt to help Dean open up, but Lily didn’t miss the venom dripping from his words.

“Yes. He...I don’t know when it happened. There were no windows and no clock and time...it passed really slowly but...I hadn’t been there long the first time he got mad at me. I don’t remember why, but he was all of a sudden just attacking me. Kicking mostly, and screaming and swearing. He told me...he said that Mama….that she was dead. I guess now maybe who he was really talking about was Shelby but...I didn’t know that then.” Dean looked down at his hands and began absently playing with Lily’s fingers.

“Tina made him stop,” Dean whispered. 

“What did she do?”

“She started yelling at Brad. She said that they wouldn’t get any money for me if I was dead. And she made him put me back in my room. She...I get the feeling she was used to him acting that way.”

“You think he hurt her too?”

“No, I---she wasn’t afraid of him. She said that if he ever hit her she’d kill him. But I still feel like she wasn’t surprised about the way he was hurting me.”

“Okay. You’re doing really good, buddy. Do you need a break?”

Dean shook his head and Lily squeezed him tighter. 

“I’m so proud of you, good boy,” she murmured, and Dean smiled weakly at her. 

“This is hard, Mom,” Dean whispered. He looked drained, and she certainly understood. Just hearing this was wearing her out; how must it feel to have to relive it?

“I know. You’re doing great. Daddy’s right; you can take a break and we can rest---”

“No.” Dean interrupted. “I started. I want to just finish. I---please?”

“It’s your call, sweetie,” Lily told him. Dean pressed his face against her for a moment, then looked up at her, all round cheeks and wide, sad blue eyes. But what she noticed most was that in those blue eyes, there was a faint glimmer of...something. He was starting to look like her Dean again.

“I’m okay.” Dean took a deep breath.

“Okay, son,” Tony said, voice still soft. “After Tina made Brad stop kicking you, what happened next?”

“I couldn’t catch my breath...I might have passed out, I don’t...I don’t remember. Tina...was almost nice to me. I mean she was, just more in a roundabout way I guess? She brought me water. She told me that when Brad was drunk, it was just better not to get in his way, but I didn’t.”

“So Tina did not hurt you?”

“No. Never. She tried to get me to eat sometimes, but the food was---it wasn’t good, and I was too scared and sore anyway. I wanted to. I wanted to stay strong and sneak out as soon as I could but...I kind of knew my ribs were broke and as time passed it just kind of got worse.”

“What did you do all day?”

“I...slept. Cried. Mostly just tried to make me not there in my mind.”

“Did he hurt you anymore?”

“He whipped me with his belt.”

Again, Lily inhaled sharply; she had already known this, but hearing Dean say it out loud made her shake. 

“What happened, son?”

“Brad wanted me to get up and come with him, and I tried---I tried to do everything he said. But my ribs hurt and I was weak, and---you could smell the drunk on him. He pulled me up, and I tripped and I fell onto him and he---he said he was going to teach me not to hit him. I tried to tell him it was an accident but he tore off my shirt and took of his belt and---he started hitting me with it.” Dean closed his eyes and Lily held him tighter.

“It’s okay, baby,” she murmured. “You’re safe. You’re fine.” 

Dean was clearly not fine; he was shivering and his lips trembled.

“He kept screaming at me. I couldn’t---it hurt. It hurt so bad, Daddy. I couldn’t stand anymore and he didn’t stop. I could feel the blood. I tried---I tried. I tried to behave myself and not make him mad. I tried----Mama---”

“Hey. Take a deep breath, sweetheart. Let’s stop for a minute.” 

“No, no, please, I’m okay, I just---” Tears welled up in Dean’s eyes.

“Breathe,” Lily repeated and Dean inhaled, a huge shaky breath.

“Tina made him stop,” he said after a minute. “I don’t think she was there when it started but the next thing that happened---she was running into the room and grabbing at him and then he left. She tried to clean the cuts on my back.”

“Okay. You’re still doing great, son. I know this sucks. Did he ever hurt you after that?”

“No...I started to not feel very good after that. They argued about how he still hadn’t asked you for money...Tina kept telling him that keeping me wasn’t the plan. I don’t know how much time...how many days passed but...I felt so sick, and then I heard Mama on TV.”

“They had the press conference on?”

“Yeah...I guess. She got really panicked after that. I heard Mom, and then I saw her. And I knew she wasn’t dead and I couldn’t give up. Then I think it was the next morning and Tina woke me up and made me get up. She said she...she said she wasn’t going to let me die. And she...she apologized to me. She said she never meant for it to got that far. I don’t think she’s a bad person, Daddy. If it hadn’t been for her...he’d have killed me for sure.”

“Okay. So she woke you up one morning…”

“It was still dark. She put me in a car. It...was a dark color.”

“Did you see the make or model, or any part of the license plates?”

“No, but the shape...it looked like Megan’s car.”

Oh, good boy, Lily thought. He was doing so good. So many details...her baby...Lily took a deep breath.

“How long did you drive?”

“I think maybe...an hour. A little less than an hour. The clock in the car...yeah, it was a little less than an hour.”

“Where did Tina take you?”

“I---I’m not sure. But there was a small field and on the other side were some trees. Tina said that after the trees, there was a Starbucks and people would find me,   
and all I had to do was get there. She said...she couldn’t be seen. It wasn’t very far, but I felt so sick...I didn’t think I could do it but I couldn’t quit. I just...I just wanted to go home.”

“Close your eyes for a minute. I want you to tell me everything you can about where they kept you.”

Dean complied. Eyes closed, slightly more tense, but still determined.

“I think it was a house. I---well, now I know it was. I don’t know where it was. The outside was light colored and it---the paint was peeling and the yard was full of weeds. On the inside, it was cold. I was mostly in a room with…like maybe a heater, but it was cold and damp. It smelled...it smelled like damp...like when a wet towel sits too long. And it smelled like cigarettes and sometimes like old alcohol if Brad was there. There was electricity---there weren't any lights on in the room I was in, but there---the TV worked. There had to be electricity..."

"What did the rooms look like?"

"Small. Dirty. Lots of stuff...stuff everywhere. And...a weird statue in the living room. It was like...like a gargoyle? I think..."

“Can I show you some pictures, Dean?” Tony asked him. He tensed, then nodded.

Tony placed three photos in front of their son, and when he set out the third one, Dean buried his face into Lily. 

“Dean...we’re almost done, buddy. Almost there. I need you to look at these very closely and tell me if you know any of these men.”

When Dean looked up again, tears poured down his cheeks.

“That one,” he said, pointing at the third photo. “That’s Brad. He’s the one…”

Tony laid out three more pictures. 

“And do you know any of these women?”

Dean continued to cry softly, but he nodded. He looked so forlorn that Lily felt her own tears start to fall.

“This one,” he said, pointing to the center picture. “That’s Tina, but...Daddy? Daddy please, you have to promise me nothing will happen to her. It wasn’t her fault. Please, Daddy.”

Tony stood, and then knelt at Dean’s side. Lily could tell by his eyes that he was on the verge of another explosion, and that he didn’t want the boys to see it.

“She didn’t make a good choice, son. But I can promise you that it’s over. We’re going to find them and end this and whatever is meant to happen will happen. You did so good, buddy. You’re so amazing, my son. I’m going to be back in awhile.”

And he left the room, Pete and the police in tow, leaving Lily to comfort a now openly sobbing Dean. 

“I just want to forget about it,” he moaned into her neck.

“Me too,” she murmured. “Let it go, baby. I’ve got you. I’ve got you, Dean.”

And he did. Roman and Seth snuggled up closer and Dean cried until he couldn’t cry anymore, and then he slept, safe and secure in a cocoon of family and warmth. Proud as she was, Lily felt like she had been punched. But she could deal with that later; right now, all she wanted to do was hold her baby and never, ever let go.


	63. Set Up

Three days before Christmas, Seth woke up giddy. 

The clock on his nightstand read 6:37, which explained why it was still dark outside. He knew he should try to go back to sleep, but he couldn’t. He was too excited.

Dean was coming home today!

And just in time, too.

Seth’s parents had been very open with him and Roman, and they knew that Dean wasn’t necessarily coming home because he was all better, which he wasn’t, although there had been definite improvement. His kidneys were still struggling, but the function was improving---just very slowly. He was still easily worn out and his skin was still kind of pallid yellow, and the doctor didn’t want him off of the IV fluids, although he was doing a better job of keeping things down now.

At first, Dean had thrown up anything solid. By the evening of the fourth day, he’d been allowed ice chips, and he’d taken them with the proclamation that they were the best ice chips he had ever tasted. The next day, he had savored sips of cold water, followed by Gatorade, followed by watered down apple juice and Sprite. However, for four days, anything that was even a tiny bit thicker had come back up so immediately that for a day or two the doctors were convinced that weren’t even making it into Dean’s stomach at all. 

They’d tried everything, too: applesauce, pudding, oatmeal, mashed potatoes, Ensure, milk shakes, tomato soup. He could drink chicken broth just fine, but the second there was even one noodle present, that was it. Even Dean’s beloved smoothies were a no-go. It was painful to watch, although throughout it all, Dean swore that nothing hurt and that he wasn’t hungry anyway. The kidney specialist, Dr. Woolley, and Dr. Enderle packed his IVs with extra nutrients but the adults began to discuss putting Dean on a feeding tube while tests were run to determine the exact source of the problem. But then, on the fifth morning, the eighth day after he had been rescued, Dean woke up and calmly asked their father for some mandarin oranges.

This wasn’t exactly the kind of food Dean was supposed to be eating with restricted kidney function, but Tony was willing to let him try anything at this point, and the head nurse agreed. Too much salt was the bigger problem anyway.

Seth had watched curiously while his brother had sat up on the bed and a small bowl of the canned fruit was set in front of him. He managed to eat three segments before pushing the bowl away. Their dad was right there with a bedpan just in case, and for a moment it looked like it might all have been for naught as Dean’s complexion grew pale and he leaned back with his eyes closed---until he’d let out a burp so loud that Seth swore they could hear it in Dallas.

“Whoa. Impressive,” Tony said, and Dean and Seth both dissolved into fits of giggles (because does a time ever come when boys stop thinking that bodily functions are hilarious)? Two hours later, Dean ate six grapes. Later that afternoon he managed to consume an entire scrambled egg. That night for dinner he ate four bites of cottage cheese and a small handful of Triscuits.

It wasn’t nearly enough, but his intake of solid food had increased a tiny bit each day, and he was drinking plenty of fluids, and he was finally peeing again without letting loose a string of swear words. Dean’s personality was bouncing back too; Dr. Bushman had visited with him several times, and emotionally, he didn’t seem to be harboring any bitterness or fear over it, which, Seth thought, might be the biggest miracle here. 

Plus, he was miserably uncomfortable in that hospital bed. He tried to just relax and move around as much as he could, but you’d have to be blind to miss the way Dean groaned and winced with every movement. He could get up and move around, get to the bathroom, and the like, but it wore him out and being primarily bedridden left him sore all over.

The combination of all of this, along with the fact that their mother was a doctor and could easily administer whatever Dean needed, caused the adults to have a pow wow yesterday in the hallway, leaving the three boys alone in Dean’s hospital room, dying of curiosity. When they had returned, both of their parents were grinning broadly.

“Well, pack your bags,” Tony said.

Dean raised an eyebrow.

“Huh?”

“We’re bustin’ you out of Cell Block D here in the morning,” Lily hadn’t been able to keep from laughing, and neither had Roman and Seth. The best reaction, though, had been from Dean himself, who sat in dumbfounded silence for nearly two full minutes before a massive smile spread over his face.

“I get to go home?” Dean asked.

“You get to go home. This afternoon, a nurse is going to come in and insert a port right here,” Lily explained, pointing to a spot on Dean’s forearm. “You still need fluids, but with the port there I can give them to you at home. We have to bring you back for bloodwork and a checkup. And I can’t lie, there’s a possibility that you’ll have to stay, but we all agree that you’ll be more comfortable at home, and that will probably help.”

Dean nodded.

“What do I have to do to get to stay there?”

“You have to keep eating,” Tony said. “Keep taking fluids, keep resting, keep---basically keep doing everything you’re already doing, just in your own bed. Or on the   
couch. Or wherever.”

“Okay,” Dean agreed. “Yeah, okay. That sounds fair.”

“We still have to watch your salt intake,” Lily continued. “And we have to watch your blood pressure and all of that fun stuff.”

“That’s okay...will it hurt? When they put in the port?” Seth reached out and squeezed Dean’s hand.

“It...it’s a biggish needle,” Lily began. “I can’t imagine it’ll hurt worse than anything else though. Just a big stick and it’ll be all done. That’s something else we’ll have   
to be very careful of---gotta make sure it stays clean and doesn’t get infected. But they’ll check it in 4 days. No big deal. Right?”

“Right,” Dean said, and he seemed to mean it.

Now, Seth laid in his bed reflecting on all of this information when he heard a soft tap on his door frame. He looked up and saw his mom.

“You awake, bub? I swear I could hear you thinking from my room,” she said, sitting on the edge of his bed. It was just her and Seth at home; Dad and Roman had spent the night at the hospital and their grandparents had returned to San Antonio a couple of days prior.

“Yeah...I’m awake. Excited,” Seth said.

Mom smiled.

“Me too.”

“I hope he doesn’t have to go back,” he murmured.

“Oh, I know...so do I. I think...I think...that everything will be fine.”

“Do you think they’re ever going to catch Brad, Mom?” Seth asked.

“Eventually I’m sure of it. Does that worry you?” Lily smiled at him, and it made Seth feel better. The truth was, it did worry him a little. It just seemed like it would be harder to get to Dean in the hospital, but then again...no. No, Seth knew that this was the right call. Dean needed to be at home. He decided to get up and make his brother a blanket bed on the couch. Everything would be okay. Seth just knew it.

 

______________________________________

 

Roman sat next to Dean on his hospital bed. They were both sitting up with their legs hanging over the side, listening to Dr. Woolley rattle off a list of instructions for their father. 

“You ready?” Roman asked Dean softly.

“I’m so ready,” Dean answered. “And I’m so glad it’s for Christmas. Except…”

“Except what?” Roman asked. 

“Except I don’t have gifts for anyone,” Dean murmured. 

Roman grinned. Leave it to Dean to be banged up in the hospital and worried about getting gifts for other people.

“I’m pretty sure having you home is enough of a gift for all of us,” Roman told his brother. “I know it is for me.”

“Yeah, well, address your thank you card to Tina Briggs,” Dean shot back. “Because without her that wouldn’t be possible. Rome? Should I be scared?”

“Of what?” Roman looked at his brother quizzically.

“Because they haven’t found them yet…” Dean looked down at his feet and Roman draped his arm around his brother’s shoulders.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of,” Roman said. 

“The thing is...I’m not,” Dean revealed. “It seems like I should be and I don’t know why but there’s just this feeling inside me that says everything is going to be okay now, and I’m not afraid. Not at all.”

“I think that’s a good thing,” Roman mused. 

“So...you don’t think I’m weird?”

“Oh, no, I definitely think you’re the weirdest person I’ve ever known,” Roman said with a smirk. “Just not because of this.”

Dean poked Roman in the side.

“Asshole,” he muttered.

“Yeah, but you love me.”

“Yeah. I do.”

Once they were home, Lily and Tony settled Dean on the couch. Roman noticed with a smile that Seth had put his favorite blanket in the nest of soft wraps and throws that he had set up for their brother.

A couple of Christmases ago, Lily had made each of the boys a fleece tie blanket. Roman’s was 49ers. Dean’s was a loud Hawaiian print, and Seth’s was a pattern with rich browns, reds, blues, and greens. Each fit their personalities well. They were simple, but they were the softest, warmest things ever; perfect for curling up with a book on a cold, rainy day, or to snuggle down in when you didn’t feel well. The fact that their mother made the blankets by hand just for them made it that much better. Seth loved his; they all did, but Seth particularly liked to wrap himself in it on those days when he didn’t feel quite right. It happened to all of them from time to time. 

By the time they arrived, Dean was tired, and he immediately curled up in his cozy couch domain and fell asleep. Roman wandered out to the kitchen, where his mother was stirring something on the stove. 

“What are you making?” Roman asked.

“Dean wanted baked potato soup,” she replied. “Actually, he wanted dill pickle soup, but that’s pretty salty. And I already had all the ingredients for this,” Lily gestured to the pot. 

“Do we have good bread?”

“There’s a loaf of French bread, yeah,” Lily turned to Roman.

“We need to decide what to have for Christmas dinner,” she said.

“Okay. Mom?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“Will you take me to the mall tonight? Or if Megan will, can I go with her?”

“I don’t see why you can’t go but Roman, it’s two nights before Christmas Eve. The place is going to be a madhouse.”

“I know. But...Dean said today that he feels bad because he hasn’t gotten anyone any Christmas gifts. And I already told him not to worry about it,” Roman said, noticing immediately that his mother was about to protest. “But he is, so I thought maybe if he made me a list or something, I could go pick some stuff up for him.”

“Aww...Roman, you really are the best big brother,” his mother hugged him tight. “Yes. You can go to the mall tonight. If Megan’s not free, either Daddy or I will take you. And you can take my credit card.”

“Really?” Roman hadn’t meant for his mother to pay. He just wanted to make Dean happy.

“Really. And get Seth involved; maybe Dean can tell him what he’d like to get you.”

“I don’t need anything,” Roman murmured quickly. “All I want for Christmas is Dean.”

“I know. But you’re getting that for sure, kiddo. Remember, this is more for Dean than it is for any of us.”

“True. Okay. I’ll text Megan and talk to Seth.”

“Good boy. Lunch will be ready in about an hour.”

“Okay.”

He went to find Seth, who was sitting in the chair near the couch. He had a book in his hands, but he was very obviously studying their brother instead of reading it.

“Hey. You got plans tonight?” Roman asked his brother.

“Not really. Just planned to hang out with Dean and see if he wanted to play Madden. Why?”

“Dean’s bummed that he doesn’t have any Christmas gifts for anyone. So I thought maybe I’d ask him what all he had in mind and then go to the mall. You in?”

“I---yeah, sure. Okay. That’s a good idea. But he shouldn’t be upset just because---”

“I know, I know,” Roman interrupted. “But he is a little, and this is how we can help.”

“True,” Seth replied. 

“When he wakes up, let’s ask him what he wants us to pick up,” Roman picked up Seth’s book. “What are you reading?”

“The first Harry Potter,” Seth answered.

“Again? How many times have you read the series?”

“I don’t know; I’ve lost count,” Seth confessed. “But it’s my favorite.”

“I know it is,” Roman smiled at him. “Bet Dean would like you to read to him later.”

“Think so?”

“I think I know so,” Roman sized Seth up. “I’m gonna call Megan and see if she wants to drive us. That okay?”

“Sure.”

“Okay, cool.”

When Dean woke up, he made Roman a list of things he wanted them to shop for, and they rode out to the mall with Megan and Megan’s sister Katie. Any time he could be around Megan, Roman thought it was time well spent. And they hadn’t seen much of each other lately, with Dean being in the hospital and Roman being pulled from school. 

Katie was a year younger than Dean and Seth in school, and while Seth never said so, Roman and Dean suspected he had a crush on her. 

They had fun. Roman treated his girlfriend, her sister, and his brother to California Pizza Kitchen and then they hit the mall. True to his mother’s words, it was crazy slammed, but none of them minded if the lines were longer than usual. The quartet traipsed all over: Godiva, Bath & Body Works, Pandora, boutiques, department stores. Dean, it turned out, had a pretty long list.

Which was good, because Roman and Megan had a plan, which Dean had facilitated..

Once they had purchased everything else, Roman turned to Seth.

“Hey. There’s something I need to go get, but it’s for you and Dean wants you to be surprised. You and Katie okay for a bit?”

He didn’t miss the blush that cast over Seth’s cheeks, or the way he cast his eyes to the floor and for a moment, Roman thought with a pang that he shouldn’t have asked Seth that. Then Seth smiled.

“S’okay with me. There’s something Dean wants me to pick up for you, too.”

And as Seth and Katie walked away, Megan and Roman exchanged a knowing look.

 

_____________________________________

 

Dean was in Heaven. 

After dinner, his mother had wrapped his left arm up in trash bags and tape, and had drawn him a bath. His father had helped him bathe, and then after he let out the water, he filled it back up and turned on the hot tub jets.

Now, as the hot water swirled around him, he leaned back against the tub and let out a happy moan. It felt like he was floating. Blissful. Dean closed his eyes.

He wondered how things were going at the mall.

It had been Dean’s idea have Roman send Seth and Katie off on their own. Seth, Dean knew, had a massive crush on Megan’s sister, and Dean also knew that his baby brother was far too terrified to get the ball rolling on his own. So he thought maybe he’d give Seth a gentle nudge. And besides, he really did have a gift in mind for Roman. 

Dean was ridiculously happy just then, warm, clean, and relaxed. He should have known it wouldn’t last.

He’d probably been in the tub about 20 minutes, and he was beginning to wrinkle, when his dad came back into the bathroom.

“Hey---bud?” Tony had an odd look on his face. “Ready to get out? There’s something we need to talk about.”

That never meant anything good, but Dean let his father help him get out, dry off, and dress in clean sweats and one of Roman’s old tshirts. After going two weeks without bathing, Dean wasn’t sure he would ever tire of the feeling of nice, clean clothes. 

Tony walked with him out to the living room, and the first thing he noticed was Lily sitting cross-legged on the sofa. Then he realized that Pete and a guy named Magnus Harlow were also there. Lily held her arms out and Dean scooted right into them, allowing her tight hug. He twisted in her lap so he could look at her.

“Mama? What’s happening?” 

Lily simply gazed down into his eyes. 

“Pete and Magnus need to talk to you,” she murmured. Oh, Dean didn’t like the sound of this at all.

“Hi, Dean,” Pete sat down in the chair beside the sofa. “How are you feeling?”

Dean regarded him carefully. He didn’t look angry, and for the life of him, Dean couldn’t figure this out. It HAD to be about Brad…Dean decided defensive was probably the way to go here.

“Honestly? I feel like shit,” he replied. “Tonight will be the first time in almost a month that I’ve slept in my own bed, my kidneys don’t work right, and the slices down my back have finally healed enough that I could take a real bath tonight. But...can’t complain. I feel a lot better than I did.”

Pete smiled.

“I’m glad to hear that. Dean, we have some news about Brad Hennigan.”

Dean immediately tensed.

“Where is he? Are Roman and Seth---Mom? Dad? They’re okay right?”

“They’re fine,” Tony assured him. “This isn’t about them, bud.”

“Then...what...I don’t understand…” Dean was baffled.

Pete took out some pictures and laid them in front of Dean. It was the house. The house he’d been held captive in for two weeks. Where Brad Hennigan, his piece of crap of a biological father, had beaten him within an inch of his life. He looked at his parents, then at Pete.

“Is this the house that Tina Briggs took you from, Dean?” Pete asked him gently. All Dean could do was nod.

“This morning, our agents found the house,” Pete told him. “We’ve found your fingerprints and DNA inside. And...we also found Brad Hennigan’s body.”

“He...he’s dead?” Dean whispered.

“Yes. Shot.” Pete looked deep into Dean’s eyes. “It looks like he was killed around the time you went into the hospital. Dean? I’m only going to ask you this once, buddy. The answer you give me right now is the one we’re going with so I want you to think about it. When Tina Briggs took you out of the house, was Brad Hennigan alive?”

Dean was too stunned to answer him for a moment, sure he looked like a moron, sitting there with his mouth agape. Lily started to shift him in her arms.

“Pete, I think maybe---” she started to say, but Dean slowly shook his head.

“I...I never saw him,” he whispered. “Not that morning. Tina said...I KNOW she said...that we had to hurry and go before Brad woke up and realized I was gone. I...I assumed he was asleep but...Pete, I honestly don’t know. I don’t know if he was already dead or not. Do you---you think she killed him?”

“I think it’s too much of a coincidence if she didn’t,” Pete said. “I just can’t prove it.”

“But...she’s gone. She’s gone and you said you found my DNA and prints in the house...the house where Brad...but I didn’t…” a horrible realization was hitting Dean, and it was making him dizzy.

“Mommy? Daddy? I didn’t do it. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t. Did I?”

“No, sweetie,” his mother murmured at the same time his father said,

“Of course not, bud.”

“Dean, don’t misunderstand. No one suspects you,” Pete said quickly. “We know...we have doctors that will say that you were in no condition to shoot Brad Hennigan. No one is accusing you. It’s okay. We just need to know if you know anything about what happened.”

Dean heaved a huge sigh of relief. He knew he hadn’t done anything but in the movies, innocent people got accused all the time. He also knew, in his heart, that Tina had to have done it. Pete was right. That was too much of a coincidence. Dean wondered where Tina was right then...


	64. A Very Girardi Christmas

Christmas Eve brought fun, traditions, family, and numerous surprises.

In Lily’s family, it had been done the same way her entire life: on Christmas Eve, a variety of appetizers were served and then after everyone ate, the first round of presents came. This included gifts from siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. It was also the time that children gave gifts to their parents. She had fond memories of being a little girl and tearing the living room apart with her older brothers, Thomas and Shawn, ripping the paper off boxes that had come all the way from Ireland. As they aged, it somehow became more special. Everyone took their time, watched everyone else, and just enjoyed each other.

Lily always expected that she’d carry on the same type of tradition with her own children, and they had with the many foster kids that blessed their home, but the first year with Roman was the first time it felt really real to her. And now, seven Christmases after that first one, everything was cemented; she had her three beautiful boys, and they enjoyed the same camaraderie as she and her own brothers had way back when. It was wonderful. It was perfect. And it started first thing that morning.  
She’d woken up late, which was fine; for once, there was nothing that needed her immediate attention. The gifts for the boys were all wrapped and put away in her and Tony’s closet. The groceries for that night’s hors d’oeuvres and the next day’s Christmas feast were purchased and ready to go. There was plenty of dog food and toilet paper. And of course, there was Dean.

If Lily did say so herself, he seemed to be thriving. He was two full days out of the hospital, and his color looked so much better. He no longer softly moaned when he moved. Walking seemed easier. He smiled almost constantly, and he was starting to crack jokes again. And---he was eating. He definitely wasn’t eating his normal amount; all three boys were normally human garbage disposals. But he was eating considerably more than he had at the hospital. By dinner time yesterday, she realized she probably didn’t have to write it down anymore. They had to be careful with what he ate, of course, but there was no concern with how much. Not anymore.

Lily glanced over at the clock; it was well past 8. And that’s when she realized she hadn’t heard Seth get up. Which meant he was still asleep. Which meant---he’d slept in.

Sleep, Lily had come to realize, was always going to be Seth’s enemy. He was likely going to struggle with it for his entire life. The best thing, the counsellors agreed, was to teach him how to cope with it. He didn’t have nightmares very often anymore, but he was the lightest sleeper known to man, and the few times they’d tried medication, the boy had been a zombie for days afterwards. He was almost always awake before 6, so here at about 8:30, Lily knew he’d had a good night. And when she got up to peek in at him, she got an even sweeter surprise.

Seth was in Dean’s bed, curled up around his big brother. Dean had an arm across Seth’s chest. Lily smiled. 

The bond her boys shared was a beautiful thing, and again, she thanked her lucky stars that her middle child was home and safe. What a miserable Christmas it would have been, Lily thought, if he had died. Actually, the not knowing was the absolute worst part. ut She KNEW he was out there; she’d always believe that. But not knowing what had happened or where he was...well. All of that was behind them now. It was time to move forward and celebrate the holidays, Girardi-style. 

Lily decided to go ahead and start the wassail in the crock pot; she always made it for Christmas Eve, even the ones they spent in New York. It didn’t take long before the aroma of apple cider, pineapple juice, cinnamon, cloves, and other spices was wafting through the house. She knew that would rouse Tony, and probably the youngest two boys. Roman was such a heavy sleeper that even food rarely woke him.

Sure enough, it wasn’t much longer before Lily felt a set of strong arms wrap around her waist, and then her husband’s voice in her ear.

“Don’t tell my wife, but there’s this gorgeous young woman in the kitchen right now and I kind of want to kiss her.”

Lily laughed.

“Hmm...your wife is a lucky woman,” she replied. Then she let him kiss her.

The reverie was shattered a few moments later.

“Get a room, guys!” Dean exclaimed as he and Seth stumbled, bleary eyed, into the kitchen.

 

____________________________________

 

It was the best Christmas Dean ever had.

The gifts were nice, of course. On Christmas morning, the three boys discovered that their parents had, as usual, gone overboard.

Dean was giddy over his new wide-angle lens. They’d given him a macro lens for his birthday, and now he couldn’t wait to go try them both out. There was a camera bag, and all kinds of new clothes, and a stocking stuffed with Blu-Rays, a video game, gum, candy, funny boxers, and some shaving cream and razors. His brothers cashed in similarly, and yeah, it was all great.

The best part was just being with his family though. Hands down. 

When he got tired, they took a break, watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas and The Family Man, and let Dean rest. He reclined against his mom and dozed, content to let her stroke his cheek. He woke up at the movie’s end, and the gift opening resumed. 

Dinner was amazing too. 

Roman had prepared most of it, under the careful supervision of Mom and Seth. He was trying to learn to cook, he explained, so that some day he could cook a romantic meal for Megan. So Dean sat at the kitchen table with a Gatorade and Mom hooked up a bag of fluids, and he watched the lesson. Roman fixed a beef tenderloin, tiny yellow potatoes, a vegetable casserole that consisted of carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, crushed crackers, and lots of cheese. There was also a mandarin orange salad, croissants, and a couple of Nana’s homemade pies for dessert. Dean’s appetite still wasn’t up to par, but he tasted a little of everything and they all agreed that Roman had done a wonderful job. 

Once dinner was over and the last dish was washed, Tony started a fire in the gas fireplace. It was unusually cold for Houston; in fact, there had been talk of icy weather the next day. Dean knew his parents were a little worried that it might start before they were finished with Dean’s appointment at the hospital, but they were still going. It wasn’t that Dean was nervous exactly, just...his parents had been right. Home was way more comfortable.

There were a few presents left to open. Every year, the boys parents got each of them three things: a book, a Hallmark ornament, and then one extra special gift. Were the Girardi boys spoiled? Probably. But Lily had once responded to that statement by saying,

“You know? So what? They’re good boys. They’re kind. They’re respectful. They’re never in trouble at school. They work hard. They don’t ask for much. And we waited long enough for them that we don’t feel at all bad that we can give them all of what they need and most of what they want.”

In years past, the special gift had been anything from a special memento from a vacation to books of family photos to plane tickets. This year the boxes were all square, but they were different sizes. And they rattled a little. As Lily handed Dean his, she smiled at him. He smiled back, and he smiled even bigger when Roman and Seth unanimously agreed that he could go first.

The book turned out to be a fancy, hardcover box set of Game of Thrones. Dean smiled harder; he wasn’t always a huge fan of reading, but he loved this series and he’d read it the first time with his brothers, which made it that much better. They’d read through the books the spring that Seth had been in the hospital with the spider bites, and each one of them had taken turns. Some nights they’d stayed up late and ready with flashlights; one Friday night, their parents had gone out for dinner so the boys had made popcorn and curled up on Roman’s bed and read. The box set looked wicked cool and Dean could already picture it sitting on his bookshelf. He knew amazing memories would come back every time he looked at it. Then he pulled out the first one to read the note his parents always wrote on the inside cover.

“Dean, we’re so proud that you’re our son. You are strong like many of the characters in these books, and you’re going to do amazing things in life. We want you to know that we’ll always be by your side, we’ll cheer for you the entire way, and we believe in you. Love, Dad and Mom.”

Dammit. Dean must’ve gotten an eyelash in his eye...

Then he opened the other box. It was---a board game. The boys didn’t have too many board games; none of them was terribly in to Monopoly or anything like that. But this was looked kind of interesting; it was called Fact or Crap. Dean raised his eyebrows at his mother, who just shrugged.

“Wait til they’re all open and we’ll explain,” she said.

Seth got to go next. His book set was, not surprisingly, the whole set of Harry Potter. But these were different; the covers were gorgeous red and gold, the colors of Gryffindor House, Seth’s favorite. They looked like etched leather. Seth thanked their parents profusely. 

Then he opened his square box---it was another game, Apples to Apples. Both parents just grinned again.

Roman went last, and his book set was his very favorite series of Hobbit books in collection with the Lord of the Rings series. This set was also incredibly designed and you couldn’t get the smile off Roman’s face with a sand blaster. Then he opened his square box. It was another game, one called Smart Ass. Roman laughed.

“So. We were debating what to get you guys to satisfy this tradition,” Tony started to explain. “We’ve got a family trip in the works, but that’s a surprise and we’re not ready to disclose it yet. So we thought and we thought.”

“And then we decided what we really want and need,” Lily said, “is to spend more family time together even when we’re right here at home. Dean’s home safe now and we just...we love you boys so much. So the first thing we want to do is have a family game night.”

Roman, Dean, and Seth all grinned and nodded; that sounded just fine to them.

“We want to do it on New Year’s Eve,” Tony told them. “Well make something yummy for dinner and hang out and play board games and just...have some family time. Because we’re proud to have kids that we aren’t embarrassed to spend time with. We’ve got cool kids.”

Dean laughed; sometimes his dad was just too much.

There was one more set of gifts to give, and Dean had been waiting all day for this. Luckily it had been mostly completed before Thanksgiving, and he was able to have Roman and Seth procure the finishing touches and they’d worked together to get it finished up. There were three large, rectangular presents, all the exact same size. The boys presented them to their parents.

Lily and Tony were smiling as they began to open the gifts, but their smiles froze once they could see exactly what was in front of them. Lily’s hand flew to her mouth. Then tears filled her eyes.

Each present was a pencil drawing of one of the boys. Dean had drawn them himself; he’d used the amazing profile of Roman from Hawaii and a fantastic pic of Seth in which his brother had his head tipped back in a laugh. For the picture of Dean himself, he’d trusted Seth with his camera long enough to get several closeups. He’d drawn all three images from the photos, and then Roman and Seth had taken them to be framed. Tony kept shaking his head and Lily was crying openly.

“Oh...my boys...our boys. Tony, look at our beautiful boys.”

Tony wrapped his arms around Lily. 

“Guys, this...these...come here.”

The five of them fell into a family hug, Lily kissing each of her boys and then wrapping her arms around them tight.

“These are incredible,” she whispered. “Thank you so very much. Daddy and I love you.”

Dean couldn’t help beaming.

Later that night, after the wrapping had been picked up, the boys had tried out some of their new video games, and Dean had toyed with his camera and lenses, he found himself in his bed, all tucked in, with his mother sitting by his side. She leaned down and kissed his forehead.

“It wouldn’t have been the same without you,” she whispered. “Dean? I know you’re a minor still...Daddy and I want you to know that we’ve decided that if the authorities ever do find Tina Briggs, we’re not going to press charges on your behalf. We believe she is the reason you survived, like you said.”

Dean smiled drowsily. 

“I hope she got away,” he whispered.

“I know. We may never know, but in this case I think no news is probably good news. Dean? I love you, baby.”

“I love you too. Mama?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m a little nervous about tomorrow,” he revealed to his mother.

“I understand that. But I don’t think you have anything to worry about,” Lily consoled him.

“You don’t?”

“Not really. Any fool can see that you’re feeling so much better, son. You look better. My guess is that it won’t be back to perfect, but I think you’re improving. It’ll all be fine, baby.”

“Do you really think so?” Dean whispered.

“I really, truly do.”

Dean hugged his mother then, snuggling up cozy against her, and she held him tight.

“Mama?”

“Yeah, sweetie?”

“I really do love you. You and Daddy are the best parents on the planet.”

She smiled at him.

“I’ll take that. Any day of the week. Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Merry Christmas, son.”

“Merry Christmas, Mama.


	65. Frozen

The next morning, the sky was dark and ominous. It looked like it could just open up and pour. Except the temperature right then was a whopping 33 degrees. It was unusual to get temperatures that cold in Houston, even in the winter, but every couple of years or so they’d have a rain storm that turned into ice, which would cause problems for a couple of days and then as quickly as it rolled in, it’d be gone.

Tony wasn’t TOO concerned; he and Lily had stocked the pantry and freezer when they had shopped for Christmas groceries. They’d gotten plenty of water, coffee, toilet paper, soap---everything everyone needed. So they were prepared in case they had to hunker down for a couple of days. The problem would be if the power went out.

They’d lived in their house about 15 years, and the power had gone out during an ice storm on three occasions. Twice, it was just for a couple of days and they’d managed. It had even been kind of fun. The third time, it had been over a week before the electric company had made it out to reconnect them. Although they’d toughed it out, that had been considerably less fun.

What was really bothering Tony was that Lily and Dean were on their way to the hospital at that very moment. He’d wanted to go, of course, but they couldn’t risk the three of them getting stranded in the city and Seth and Roman being stranded alone at the house. If it had been anything else, they probably would’ve rescheduled but Dean’s checkup today was very, very important. So instead Tony just hoped it didn’t take too long.

Dean hadn’t been in a very good mood when they left. He was clearly nervous, and cranky and hungry. Starving, he claimed. He had to start fasting at midnight the night before, and he was feeling better and had a lot more appetite, which meant that going without food was not going to be much fun. 

His appointment wasn’t until 9:30, but they’d left at quarter after 6. He could have his blood drawn any time after 6:45. Once his blood was drawn, he’d be able to eat while they waited for the results and he had an ultrasound of his kidneys. Tony was hoping---was PRAYING---that everything would be okay enough for his son to just come back home. 

Tony hated to do it, but at 7:30 he woke Roman.

“Son? The storm is coming,” he said, gently shaking his boy’s shoulder. “I need you to get up and help me get the horses settled. Please?”

Roman groaned, but he opened his eyes.

“Are Mom and Dean back yet?” Tony smiled at him. 

“Sorry, buddy, but it’s---it’ll be a few hours,” Tony replied.

“But...if the storm is coming…” Roman looked confused.

“I know. If they can’t get home they’ll get a hotel room in the city. But either way, we gotta make sure we’re ready here. Will you please go get Seth up?”

Roman nodded, pulling on his sweats.

The three went outside and Tony was immediately taken by how cold it was. Definitely not normal Houston temperature. In December, it was usually in the 50’s but they weathermen were all calling for a cold winter this year. Most of the horses were safe in their pens, though some were clearly confused as to why they were suddenly enclosed when they were used to roaming the vast expanse that was the pasture. Watching Roman talk to them and calm them was always a marvel to Tony. The boy definitely had his mother’s touch when it came to that sort of thing. 

Not that Dean and Seth didn’t like the big creature---not that Tony didn’t either for that matter---but Roman was a true natural. His stature made that hard to imagine if you hadn’t seen it for yourself, but right then, as Roman quietly cajoled Gee Willickers, who was stomping and snorting anxiously, out of the corner of his pen with an apple, Tony could see it clearly.

“It’s okay, big boy,” Roman murmured, and Willickers settled immediately. Tony smiled. 

It happened sometimes that one of the boys would do or say something so grown up that it gave Tony pause because suddenly that 9, 11, or 12-year-old boy that he brought home became, in that moment, a man. It hit him what a good father Roman was going to be someday. The thought made him proud. He was in no hurry, but he knew when the time was right, Tony was going to love being a grandfather.

Once the horses were in, fed, and covered in their blankets, Tony and the boys retreated to the house. Their cheeks were bright, rosy pink, and Tony went to work making them some hot chocolate. Then he had an idea.

“Why don’t we start some minestrone?” Tony asked Roman and Seth. “We can have a nice, hot lunch ready for Mom and Dean.”

“You mean...Papa’s famous minestrone?” Seth asked.

“That’s exactly what I mean,” Tony grinned. “That’ll make Dean happy; he loves that stuff.”

Seth and Roman agreed so after their cocoa he put them to work, chopping onions and celery for him to sautee. Within the hour, a pot was simmering on the stove, a delicious, spicy aroma slowly rising and beginning to fill the house. Tony walked over and looked out the window.

It was spitting lightly, but the spatter on the ground proved it to be just rain...for now. The sky was still a deep gray, and the water was thrashing. It looked desolate. Tony glanced at the clock. 9:02...they hadn’t even seen the doctor yet. As he willed them as hard as he could to hurry, Tony wondered how things were going at the hospital.

 

_________________________________________

 

Dean was just trying his best not to snap his mother’s head off.

He was so hungry when they arrived, but he wasn’t allowed to even have water. They went straight to the lab, where they had to wait to process the kidney specialist’s blood work order. Dean was nervous, so he tapped his foot incessantly. When his mom gently rested her hand on his knee, he moved to scratching his collarbone with his dull fingernails. Lily began to gently rub between his shoulder blades. That felt good, but it didn’t really help.

Once the nurse was FINALLY ready, she led them back into a small room. Dean took off Roman’s hoodie (he had pilfered it on the way out the door) and the woman began preparing a syringe. Dean took one look at all of the vials and groaned; it looked like she needed a lot of blood. Dean hated needles, and he hated having his blood drawn. He had asked his mother why they couldn’t just get it from the port that still resided in his arm.

“Sorry, sweetie,” she had replied, “but that’s designed to put stuff in, not take it out.”

The woman (her name badge said her name was Elena) began by tying a huge rubber band looking thing around his arm, and asking Dean to make a fist. Then she began poking his arm with her finger. Which hurt. A lot. And Dean was no wuss. What was it about a finger pressing into sensitive flesh that just made a person cringe?

“Hmm…” Elena said. “Are your veins usually difficult?”

Dean had no idea how to answer this. He looked to his mother for help.

“Well...he hasn’t had his blood drawn much,” Lily said, “but I don’t recall there being too many issues. He’s been dehydrated though. We’ve been administering IV fluids for about...two weeks or so now?”

“Shouldn’t be hard to get a vein then,” Elena muttered. Dean thought to himself that she had about as much bedside manner as a crocodile with a toothache. Elena stepped out of the room for a moment and he whispered that to Lily, and they both giggled. When the nurse returned, Dean tried to put on a straight face. Elena gave them a funny look, then returned to poking at his arm. She found something and rubbed a swab of rubbing alcohol over it. Then she stuck in the needle. And nothing happened.

It stung as she dug around in his arm, grumbling about how the vein was just there, before pulling the needle back out and sticking it into the orange hazardous materials bucket.

“Hmm...it saw light and it ran,” Elena said. She resumed poking. Dean looked at his mother desperately.

“It’s okay,” she mouthed. “Just relax.”

Yeah right. 

The nurse found another spot on Dean’s other arm, just up by his elbow. This was the same arm that had the port, which would hopefully be coming out later, and Dean squeezed his eyes shut as Elena stuck a new needle into him.

Immediately, he felt a sharp burn run up and down his arm.

“Oh! That hurts!” Dean grunted.

“Just a stick,” Elena said.

“No...no, it burns,” he whispered. The woman looked at him, and Dean saw zero sympathy in her eyes.

“It’s okay,” Lily patted his back. “Take a breath…”

The burn didn’t go away even a little, and Elena still couldn’t find a vein. When she pulled the needle out, bruises immediately began to pop up.

Sweat broke out on Dean’s forehead.

“Dean?” Lily’s voice snapped him back to attention.

“Huh?”

“You okay?” 

“Yeah...yeah, fine, it just burns,” he whimpered.

“Still?”

“Uh huh,” Dean looked at his arm, which was rapidly turning purple.

“Listen...Elena,” Lily began, and Dean could tell his mama was trying hard not to sound pissed.

“He had to fast all night so he’s probably a touch dehydrated and I know his veins are hard, but I think you may have hit a nerve.”

Elena looked at his arm for a moment.

“Yeah...it looks like it,” she said. “Hang on. I’m going to try one more time and then I”ll get you an ice pack.”

Lily nodded, and then she wrapped her arm around Dean.

“Ma’am, I need you to step back,” Elena said.

“Maybe, but he needs me to stay right here,” Lily replied, still sounding much more pleasant than her eyes said she felt. “He’s my son. He wins.” She smiled and Dean’s heart swelled with gratitude.

Elena rolled her eyes, but she picked up Dean’s hand and began probing again. 

“I hate to do this,” she said, “but I’m just not finding anything else.” And then she jabbed him again.

Okay, maybe jabbed was a bit strong; she was at least attempting to be gentle, but it felt to Dean like being stabbed. Or at least like what he imagined being stabbed in the hand would feel like. After working the needle around a little bit, Elena shook her head.

“Nope. That’s not going to work either,” she said as Dean’s hand began to throb. “I’m going to go find someone else and see if maybe he’ll have better luck.”

The second she left, Lily pulled Dean into a hug.

“Are you okay, Dean?”

“S’okay...hurts,” he whispered.

“I know. Let’s get through this and then you can eat and have some Tylenol before we go to your ultrasound. Hang in there.”

Elena returned shortly with a man Dean didn’t recognize, but his voice was gentle and Dean was immediately at ease with him.

“Hi, Dean,” he said. “My name is Max. Veins causing trouble today?”

Dean just nodded.

“Okay. Let me see your arm.”

Max took the arm that wasn’t rapidly swelling and bruising and gently began probing into it. There was pressure but no pain and Dean felt himself relax. Along Dean’s forearm, he stopped and swabbed a small area.

“I don’t like to draw blood here. It can be a tender spot,” Max began. “But you’ve got a nice big vein right here, and I’m going to try a smaller needle. Okay?”

Dean nodded; he had a hard time believing it could hurt worse than his elbow and his hand, which were now throbbing brutally. And low and behold, Dean felt a small prick---and blood began to flow easily. His entire body sagged with relief as Max carefully filled the vials and then gently removed the needle.

“There we go. All set,” Max said with a smile, a smile that Dean returned gratefully.

Lily thanked him, and they got up and headed for the cafeteria. Dean felt like a human pincushion, but he pressed the ice pack he had been given to his arm dutifully.

“Still hungry?” Lily asked him.

“Not really,” Dean mumbled. His arms were sore and he was tired, and he just wanted to go home.

“How about a smoothie and some toast? Just a little,” Mama said. “You need to eat so you can take some medicine.”

Dean sighed. 

“Okay.”

Lily gently sat Dean at a table and then left to order him some breakfast. When she returned, instead of sitting across from him, she sat down beside him and gave him a hug.

“Here.” Lily handed him two Tylenol. He took them and took a sip of his smoothie. 

“I’m sorry, sweetie,” Lily was rubbing soft circles into Dean’s back. “I know it hurts.” 

“M’okay,” Dean murmured. He leaned against his mom. His arm still burned but it was dulling. “You really think she hit a nerve? Is that what that feels like?”

“Usually, yeah,” Lily replied. “It happened to me once. It was like a sharp pain and then a burn that spread up and down my arm. I know it was an accident, but it still hurts like hell. Mine bruised very impressively too. Just like yours.” She smiled at him.

“Feeling okay otherwise?”

Dean nodded.

“Yeah. I’m sleepy but...I don’t feel too bad.”

“Good.”

Once Dean was done they headed to the radiology lab, where a woman in bright blue scrubs greeted them.

“Hello, Dean!” The woman smiled brightly and shook his hand. He liked her immediately.

“I’m Mandy,” she said. “You ready to see your kidneys?”

Dean smiled.

“As long they stay inside me,” he replied and Mandy laughed.

He felt completely at ease with her as she drizzled cold gel onto his side and rested a wand over it. Immediately, the screen on the TV beside her lit up. 

“Let’s see...there they are,” Mandy said. Dean could see two white masses appear on the screen. The gel and the movement of the wand tickled, and he flinched. Mandy immediately stopped what she was doing.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Dean let out a his. “It just TICKLES!”

Mandy laughed. 

The ultrasound was over quickly and soon Dean and Lily were sitting in Dr. Woolley’s waiting room. The wait wasn’t too long before another nurse, this one named Candace, called him back. He was weighed and measured, and asked about a bazillion questions, and then Dr. Woolley came in.

“Dean! How are you?” The doctor seemed genuinely happy to see him. Dean liked that.

“I’m okay. Feeling a bit better,” he replied.

“Good. Glad to hear it. How was Christmas?”

“It...was the best Christmas ever,” Dean whispered. Dr. Woolley smiled softly. Lily’s eyes filled with tears.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Dr. Woolley said. “I’ve got your test results here.”

“How’s he doing?” Lily’s voice was soft and that’s when it hit Dean: his mother was every bit as terrified as he was. He squeezed her hand.

“He looks good. His color looks great. I’m encouraged by the blood tests. Dean, your kidney function is up to 70%,” Dr. Woolley told him.

“What does that mean?” Dean asked.

“It means you’re still slowly improving. It’s a little too slow for my own liking, but the important thing is you’re going the right direction.”

“Does...does that mean I can go home?” Dean’s voice trembled a little. He wanted no part of that hospital.

“I think that you can go home,” Dr. Woolley said. “But we’re going to put a new port in and keep delivering meds and fluids intravenously.” 

That sounded fine to Dean. The port was a pain in his ass, but getting to go home was worth it. 

Dr. Woolley examined the port.

“This looks good; it’s nice and clean,” he said.

“My mom takes good care of me,” Dean answered.

“I can see that,” Dr. Woolley said. “What’s going on with your other arm though?”

“That’s where she tried to draw blood. Not my mom. The butcher in the lab,” Dean said. That made the doctor laugh.

“Got stuck a few times, eh?”

“Four,” Dean replied. 

“Hit a nerve?”

“That’s what Mom said. It burns still.”

“We’ll get you another ice pack,” he said. “You’re overall doing great, Dean. I want to see you again on December 31. Weather permitting. Now let’s get that port changed, and get you guys on home before the storm hits.”

 

__________________________________

 

Relief flooded Lily; Dean was, in fact, improving.

He was completely exhausted by the morning’s adventure by the time they left the hospital and she could tell by his slow movements that the Tylenol was wearing off. It was just starting to sleet when they headed to the parking lot. She started the Highlander and turned up the heat. The ground wasn’t too slick, and she hoped that if she was careful and vigilant, she could make the 30 minute plus drive home in good time. 

Dean crawled into the front seat and fastened his seatbelt, and Lily pulled out the blanket that she kept in trunk. That blanket, she thought. At first the boys made fun of her for it but it had served its purpose; there had been many a sick child that had been wrapped in it on trips to the doctor or home from school, and once Seth had snuggled down in it after a terrible anxiety attack at the community center had left him trembling and exhausted. 

Now Dean curled up in it and was asleep in minutes. Lily reached out and rubbed his back through the fabric, mentally reviewing the information from the doctor visit as she drove. 

Her baby was improving.

Not quickly enough.

But some improvement was definitely better than no improvement. The doctor had told them that his sodium level was pretty good considering the state of his kidney function. They were to continue to monitor his salt intake, but the most important thing was to keep up with the fluids and the meds. So that’s what they would do.

They were about a third of the way home when Lily noticed the windshield wipers were starting to freeze. The road wasn’t too slick, but she knew that since the wipers were higher up, this might happen. She cursed inwardly and glanced over at her still-sleeping son. 

You can do this, she told herself.

The truth was, driving in this weather completely unnerved her. She grew up in south Texas, for God’s sake. Briefly, she considered that she should have sent her husband, the bona fide New Yorker, out with Dean this morning, but reality was, he could drive on snow but when it came to ice, he had no clue what he was doing either. She was the one who administered Dean’s meds, she was the one familiar with the medical stuff, and so she needed to be the one to take him to this particular appointment. Besides, she thought with a smile, Dean loved his dad but for this, he wanted his mom. All three of the boys knew that Daddy meant fun but Mama meant business. She could make him feel better.

Besides, it was too late now anyway; they were where they were and all she could do was focus and get her baby home safely.

Then the Highlander slid.

Lily knew enough to not slam on the brakes even though every instinct she had told her to stomp those suckers. Instead she took her foot completely off and praise God, the highway was pretty deserted because there was no one to hit. They slid two lanes before the tires finally gained some traction again. She hadn’t realized she’d been holding her breath. Dean never even stirred.

Shaken, Lily began to drive again, tense as could be and much slower this time. It took what seemed like hours, but was really only about 45 minutes, and she was practically driving blind by the time she turned up their lane, but she had done it. She had gotten them home. 

She was so relieved that she didn’t even get Dean out of the car before she bolted in and threw her arms around Tony. 

“Whoa. You okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Tony held her tight.

“I’m fine...we slid...oh fuck,” she whispered.

“But you’re okay?” Tony pushed her hair back. Lily nodded.

“That’s what matters. Where’s Deano?”

“Asleep in the car. Will you get him out? I need to hug Roman and Seth.” Tony grinned at her.

“Of course.”

Her oldest and her youngest were playing an animated game of Madden when Lily walked into the living room. They paused their game when their mother squeezed in between them and pulled them both close.

“Where’s Dean?”

“Is he okay?”

“Dean fell asleep on the ride home,” Lily replied to their queries. “Daddy’s getting him out of the car.”

“So he’s here?” Seth asked.

“Seth. Dude.” Roman gently teased him. “Do you really think Mama would have left him there?”

Seth laughed.

“No, I guess not,” he said. 

Lily sighed a huge sigh. She was home. Dean was okay. And something smelled fantastic. This was good. 

Life was back on track to amazing again.


	66. Brotherly Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And with this chapter, we shall surpass 8,000 hits. Thanks to each and every one of you for sticking with me this long!

A month after Christmas, Seth decided he was ready to learn to drive.

Dean had recovered enough to go out and get his license; in fact, he had almost recovered completely. His kidney function was up to 95%, which the doctor proclaimed in the normal range. His back would always bear the scars of the belt attack he’d suffered but in all honesty, Dean was all better. In fact, it was Dean who convinced Seth that the time had come to get his permit.

Seth was excited, yet nervous, when his father drove him to the DMV for the written test, but he aced it. So later that day, Tony took him out to an empty parking lot. His father talked him through a few things, and slowly, Seth backed the Escalade up and put it into drive. 

That’s when things began to go sour.

He was so nervous that his hands shook. 

“You okay?” Tony asked him. Seth just nodded.

“We don’t have to do this today, son,” his father continued.

“No, I...I’m just...I’m fine,” Seth said. 

“Okay. I want you to signal right and ease over so that we’re cruising around the outside edge of the lot,” Tony said. “No---I said signal right. Seth---RIGHT.”

In his anxiety, Seth had signaled to the left before pulling to the right, and when he did, it was jerky. He hit the brakes a little harder than necessary, and they both jerked forward.

“OKay...put it in park,” Tony said. Seth shook his head but did as his father asked. 

“Now get out,” Dad said. 

Once they were both out of the vehicle, Tony gently gripped Seth’s shoulders.

“Take a deep breath,” Tony said quietly. Seth complied.

“You’ve got to relax,” Tony told him. “You’re doing fine, buddy, but you’ve got to just relax.”

“I’m trying,” Seth muttered. 

“I know. Am I making you nervous? Would you rather try with Mom?”

Yes, Seth thought in his head, but he couldn’t explain why he felt that way and he certainly didn’t want to risk hurting his dad’s feelings. So instead he just said,

“No. Of course not.”

Tony regarded him carefully, and for a second Seth was certain that his father could see right through him. Instead, Tony handed him back the keys.

“Okay. Let’s try again.”

The rest of the lesson didn’t go much better. For awhile it seemed to be, but then he wound up driving the Escalade right up over the curb. They were done after that.

When Seth got home, he retreated to his room, to ashamed to look his father in the eye.

He was curled up on his bed with Spider when heard a knock on his door, followed by Roman’s voice.

“Seth?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I come in?”

Seth paused, then said,

“Yeah...I guess...if you want.”

The door creaked open and Roman slipped in, closed the door again, and helped himself to a spot on Seth’s bed.

“You okay?” Seth’s brother asked him gently.

“I can’t do it,” Seth replied. 

“You can’t---what, learn to drive?” Roman asked him.

“No. I don’t think I can.”

“Seth---it’s been one day. Nobody learns to drive in one day. You’re so hard on yourself, Seth; you’ve got to stop that.” Roman patted his knee.

“Maybe, but did you jump the curb at YOUR first driving lesson?” Seth asked him.

“Noooo...Dean almost flipped the Highlander though.”

Seth raised his eyebrows; how had he not known this?

“Really?”

“Ha. Yeah. He was so fired up to get started that he wasn’t listening to Mom at ALL and he jerked the wheel too sharply and the whole thing almost flipped.”

“Is that why Daddy taught him?”

Roman laughed.

“Yup. ‘Cuz Mom swore she was never getting into a car with him ever again until he’s 30.”

This got a giggle from Seth; he could see the conversation in his head. Roman, Seth knew, had been taught by their mother, primarily by driving them to and from   
school. Maybe trying with her WOULD work better….

“Do you think you’d be less nervous if Mom got you started?” Roman wondered.

“Dad asked me that too. I don’t know. I don’t think it’s him; I’ve always been nervous about driving, ever since you started.”

“You know you don’t have to learn yet right? I mean the world won’t end if you don’t get your license the second you turn 16. And it’s not like you don’t have two big brothers who’d happily cart you around wherever you wanted to go. Assuming I ever get cleared to drive again.” Roman sighed.

“You will,” Seth assured him. “And I know I don’t have to. I want to. I’m just...freaking out I guess…”

“Okay. Well, no freaking out. Driving isn’t scary at all once you know how. Know what I think?”

“What?”

“I think you should start with the golf cart.”

“Really?” Seth wondered.

“Why not? I did,” Roman told him. “Dad taught me when I was nine. And it really isn’t that different, except something about the cart just feels safer. I guess because it’s smaller. Maybe you and I should take it out tomorrow.”

“You...you would teach me?” Seth was suddenly so filled with gratitude that he flung his arms around his brother’s neck.

“Of course. I’m your big brother. It’s my job.”

Seth had never loved Roman more than he did at that very moment.

The next morning, the two boys pitched the idea to their parents, who agreed that it couldn’t hurt, so Roman and Seth took off in the cart. 

“The key for right now,” Roman said calmly as he handed Seth the keys, “is going to be to just take it slow. Don’t worry about speed. Just go slow and focus on steering. Once that feels more natural, maybe we’ll take it faster.”

Seth eased the cart forward, heeding Roman’s advice, and slowly they advanced up the path. The cool air hit Seth’s face, and he finally felt like he could relax. This wasn’t so bad. He could do this. Roman talked him through twists and turns in the path, how to ease into them, and how to gently accelerate and brake. There was nothing scary about this at all; this was fun. This was wonderful.

Even when they hit a rock and started to swerve. Seth didn’t panic at all; he just slowly eased back the other direction and they kept sailing along.

“Nice,” said Roman. “That was real nice, man. You got this.”

When the boys returned to the house, Seth felt light as a feather, and he turned and hugged his brother tight.

“Thanks, Roman,” he whispered.

“You’re welcome. You got this. Just don’t let it intimidate you.”

Seth nodded. Roman was right. He could do it.

Later that week, their mother confirmed what Seth had been suspecting for some time---she wasn’t returning to work. She blamed it on their activities and things but Seth was pretty sure she just felt the need to be near them as much as she possibly could, and after everything, who could blame her? 

“What are you going to do while we’re at school all day, Mama?” Dean asked her.

“Oh...there are always things to do. Take care of the horses, clean out the closets, cook, volunteer---maybe even volunteer at your school,” Lily laughed when Dean wrinkled his nose at this.

“Don’t worry,” Lily smiled. “I won’t embarrass you, I promise. You probably won’t even see me. I guess they have a real need for people to tutor and I’ve always wanted to be on the PTA. Maybe the Booster Club. I’ll find stuff.”

“But...you’re not going to have anymore kids, right?” Seth asked her.

“Ha. No. No, no more kids for us. I wouldn’t mind this family sponsoring a foster child though.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a program offered by DCF. A family gets paired with a child in foster care and helps provide them with things like clothes, fun stuff---you know, just extras. Things like that.”

“That sounds like a fun idea,” Seth replied.

He slowly learned to drive. He just wasn’t in a hurry. What worked the best was for him to drive Roman’s Jeep and let Roman teach him. By law, someone over 18 also had to be in the front seat, so Roman would sit in the back and gently coach Seth while their mother sat silently in the front seat. After one such lesson, Lily gave Seth a hug.

“You’re a good driver, bub,” she whispered in his ear. “That was just perfect.” 

Seth beamed.

He couldn’t exactly peg why it was different with Roman teaching him, but it just was. His parents weren’t mean to him or anything but he was overwhelmed by fear of letting them down sometimes. Roman just talked to him calmly and Seth knew he was okay and that he could handle this. And it definitely helped that his vehicle was a lot smaller than either the Escalade or the Highlander.

So since Roman teaching Seth about driving had gone so beautifully, Seth decided that it was safe to broach another topic with his oldest brother, one he’d been dying to discuss but too scared to bring up.

Seth wanted to ask Katie Laird out on a date.

A real date, not Christmas shopping with Roman and Megan. 

A date where they went to dinner and a movie and he paid for everything and acted like a gentleman.

The very thought terrified him.

He knew he didn’t have to do it, either, but the thing was, Seth really did like her. So he approached Roman one rainy Saturday in February, bit the bullet, and asked him what he should do.

 

_______________________________________________

 

Roman was working out in the basement when Seth came down the stairs. He was excited because he’d been cleared of weight limits and he’d also been cleared to start running again, and while he was still taking it slow to build his strength back up, it felt natural and good, like this was exactly what he was supposed to be doing. Dr. Gartland said he was on track to be able to play football again his Senior year, which was important because that was what would help get him into a good college.

As Seth approached him, he realized that his brother looked a bit unnerved, so Roman put down his weights.

“You okay?” Roman asked him. Seth nodded, then shook his head, then shrugged.

“That’s not too helpful,” Roman told him, and Seth smiled, just a little.

“Roman? How did you know that you wanted to go out with Megan?” Seth asked him. 

Roman raised an eyebrow. This wasn’t a conversation he ever envisioned having with Seth. Dean, sure. Dean was certifiably girl crazy, and now that he was home safe and sound and back at school, he pretty much had his choice. But Seth, well...Seth had always, ALWAYS, maintained that girls were too much trouble and he wanted no part of them. Although, it was also common knowledge that he had a crush on Katie La---ohhh. Suddenly this made sense.

“Well…” Roman began slowly. “Megan and I have known each other since fourth grade, and we’ve always been friendly, you know? Like I’d say we’ve been friends since then. We never really hung out until high school, but the more I talked to her, the more I realized I thought I was developing feelings for her. But it was hard at first because I hadn’t ever felt that for anyone before, and I wasn’t at all sure that’s really what it was.”

Relief seemed to flood Seth, as though Roman had hit a chord. 

“I understand that,” he said softly. “When did you know for sure it was?”

“Full disclosure---I didn’t know THAT for sure until after I asked her out,” Roman replied with a gentle smile. “Remember how our first date was supposed to be Fifth Quarter the night I got hurt? Well, I asked her, and she agreed to go. But I didn’t know for sure until I woke up in the hospital and she had come to visit me. She was holding my hand. And that’s when I thought, yeah. I definitely have feelings for her.”

Seth sighed.

“That’s good. You and Megan are really good together,” Seth said. He stared down at his feet, and Roman began to feel like he was missing something here.

“How about you, little brother? You got a girl you’re not sure how you’re feeling about?” Roman asked him, standing and moving to sit next to Seth.

“Yeah...I don’t...maybe,” Seth mumbled.

“Anyone I know?” Roman asked innocently. Seth glared at him.

“Really?”

“Well, I figured, but I hate to assume. You know what they say about people who do that,” Roman nudged Seth, who smiled a little.

“What makes you think you have feelings for her?” Roman asked.

Seth paused as he mulled this question over.

“She laughs at my jokes,” he began. “And when we talk, it’s about me or her, not you or Dean. Do you KNOW how many girls have come up to me, only to ask about you? But not Katie. And I could be telling her about the most boring thing ever, but it always seems like she’s actually listening.”

“That’s a great start,” Roman said. “How about things you have in common?”

“Well...we both like to read,” Seth began. “We both love animals. She wants to be a veterinarian. And we’re both pretty smart. And really, she’s not that much younger than I am. Like less than six months. She likes sports. And...sometimes...don’t get mad okay? But sometimes I feel like it’s hard being the youngest. And Katie, she understands that, because she’s the youngest too.”

“Why would I get mad?” Roman wanted to know.

“I don’t know. You’re the best big brother in the world and so is Dean, and it isn’t your fault. It’s just that you guys get to do everything first, and in everything I do, the first thing I get asked is, ‘are you Roman’s brother?’ or ‘are you Dean’s brother?’. And a lot of people automatically think I’m going to be just like you guys, and I’m not. And Katie understands that.”

“Seth,” Roman began. “I think if you ask her out, it’s not---one date doesn’t have to be a lifetime commitment. You know? And in a way, you’ve kind of already been out. So ask her. Or, if it’s easier, you and Katie could double with me and Megan sometime.”

“Really?” Seth asked. A smile broke over his face. “That might be okay…”

“Just ask her. That’s all you can do, brother. But I’m pretty sure she won’t say no,” Roman told Seth. Seth grinned bigger.

“You are?”

“Yeah. Because rumor has it, she likes you too. And that comes from a fairly reliable source,” Roman winked at Seth. “And if she does---you know what? Girls may come and go, but you’ll always have me.”

Seth flung his arms around Roman’s neck then, and Roman smiled and patted his back.

“Roman? You really are the best big brother,” Seth whispered, hanging on tight.

“And you’re the best little brother,” Roman replied softly. “Just don’t tell Dean. He thinks it’s him.”


	67. The Date

The next week, Seth sucked it up and called Katie.

“Hey, Seth,” she said, sounding eager as she answered the phone. Seth hoped that was a good sign.

“Hi, Katie…” he hated how shy he sounded, but it was what it was. “Listen...I was wondering if...maybe...Katie? Would you like to go out with me?”

Silence. Dammit, no, that’s not what Seth wanted to hear...and then…

“Of course I would! I’ve been hoping you’d ask!”

“Really?” Seth didn’t expect to hear this at all. 

“Yeah, really. Like ever since Roman first started talking to my sister.”

Seth hadn’t had any idea about this, but it kind of made him feel good to know that his feelings had been mutual even if they’d been from afar.

For a few minutes, they debated what to do. Both wanted to play putt putt but no place was open in February. Paintball was discussed, but neither felt shooting each other with anything was appropriate for a first date. Seth didn’t want to do the traditional dinner and a movie; he really wanted his first ever date to be memorable. Then he had an idea.

“We could go bowling,” he suggested. 

Silence again, until Katie said,

“I like bowling! I stink at it. But I like it. Should I see if Megan will drive us?”

“I stink at it too, but it’s fun,” Seth said. “And sure. Roman said we could double if we wanted.”

“Well...bowling is probably more fun with more people. It’s just that...Megan’s kind of better than me at everything, and---” Katie didn’t have to say anymore.

“I know. Roman would wipe the lanes with me too. Okay. Just us, then. But if Megan wants to give us a ride, that’s cool.”

The night of the date, Roman and Dean sat on the edge of the bathtub and watched Seth get ready.

“Dude, how much Axe did you spray on,” Dean pretended to choke as he waved his hands around in front of his face.

Seth looked at Roman anxiously, and Roman playfully swatted Dean on the back of the head.

“Leave him alone. He’s nervous enough.”

“Um...where were you to back me up when I kissed Kala in Hawaii?” Dean demanded to know.

“That was different.”

“How?”

But Roman didn’t bother to answer.

The truth was, Seth didn’t really feel too nervous. He might have, but he’d been texting Katie all week and it was clear that she was every bit as excited as he was. That made a huge difference. Seth thought maybe he’d even be able to relax and have some fun tonight.

The evening was, for all intents and purposes, a disaster.

The nerves set in as soon as Megan dropped them off, but that didn’t stop him from leading Katie into the bowling alley, which was packed. Seth took a look around and felt his anxiety spike, but he pressed on. They rented shoes, and of course, they were out of Seth’s size. Figuring that half a size larger would be okay, he settled for those, and then they wandered over to the concessions. They ordered sodas and nachos, and then went to find their lane. 

Right away, Katie was delighted to find a sparkly turquoise ball that was just the right fit and weight for her. Seeing her smile made Seth feel funny in the best possible way---he was giddy and jumpy on the inside. He also learned something that could be important---turquoise was Katie’s favorite color. He filed that information away for later use.

Seth found a green ball that felt good weight-wise, but the finger holes were a little small. The other choice, though, was a red one with a dent in it that had huge finger holes but was so heavy that he wasn’t at all sure he could even lift it up, much less hurl it down the lane. He opted for the ball he knew he could pick up. 

The first blunder happened on the third frame. Katie, for someone who claimed to stink at bowling, was actually not doing to bad, and Seth had just bowled a strike for the first time in his life. That had him feeling a little cocky, and the next time it was his turn, he couldn’t help but try it again. 

Seth grabbed his ball and made a swift stroll down the lane, so focused on the pins in front of him that he didn’t notice that he was stepping right out of his too-big shoe. As he let go of the ball with as much force as he could muster, his feet slipped right out from under him and he hit the ground. Hard. Right on his butt.

Pain coursed through his rear end and up his back. Katie was at his side in seconds, attempting to help him up, which only caused Seth to slip and go down again. He finally made it to his feet, face burning with hurt and embarrassment, wanting desperately to flee and hide, when Katie did something he didn’t expect. 

She wrapped her arm around his waist, and led him to the chairs.

“Here,” she offered him his soda. And Seth relaxed. It was okay; she wasn’t laughing. She looked legit concerned.

“Thanks,” he replied, taking a sip of his soda. Before long, the heat in his face died down and he was ready to play again.

The second blunder happened when he went to bowl and the ball, with the too-tight finger holes, stayed attached to his hand for a hair too long, then flew off and bounced into the lane next to them. This time, though, Seth didn’t feel humiliated; in fact, he and Katie both laughed.

“Playing for them now?” Katie teased.

“I guess…” Seth replied. They both giggled again.

In all, it was not a bad first date. In fact, as they sat in his driveway, he and Katie in the backseat, he was just trying to drum up the nerve to ask her out again when she suddenly threw her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek.

“Thanks Seth! I had so much fun tonight! Can we do it again sometime?”

“Yeah,” Seth said, a strange calm falling over him. “Yeah, I’d definitely like to go out again sometime.”

 

_________________________________________

 

In March, Tony had to go to Paris, much to Lily’s chagrin. She hadn’t been to Europe since their honeymoon. For awhile, they debated whether the boys were ready to be left home alone for a week. 

“They’re responsible,” Lily said. “I think they can handle---”

At that very moment, Seth and Dean flew by her on roller blades and wielding hockey sticks. This wouldn’t have been a problem, except they were sitting at the kitchen table, and their boys were headed towards the living room. Seconds later, Lily and Tony heard a crash.

“Seth did it!” Dean called out gleefully.

“No way! It was totally Dean!” Seth hollered.

“Okay. Okay. They’re definitely not ready,” Lily sighed.

Tony kissed his wife.

“I’m sorry, babe. When I get back, we’ll try a weekend someplace closer and see how that goes, and then maybe we can venture further.”

“Okay,” Lily replied. “But I’m holding you to that.” With a sigh, she got up and went to see how much damage her beloved sons had caused.

The worst part about Tony going away in March was that he was going to be gone over spring break, which basically left Lily alone with three vital, active, bored   
teenagers. She debated taking them down to the coast for a week, but she knew it wouldn’t yet be warm enough to swim in the ocean. Then she debated a long weekend up in Dallas. Roman hadn’t been cleared to fly yet, so if they went anywhere it had to be a reasonable driving distance. She momentarily debated driving to New Orleans until she considered Dean on the loose in the French Quarter. No, that was definitely a trip better taken with their father.

By the time the break began, she still hadn’t decided what, if anything, they were going to do, but the funny thing was, they didn’t seem to mind at all. In fact, by the first Sunday, she had pretty much decided to stay home and tackle some projects around the house that they’d been putting off---things like enlarging some of Dean’s photography, rearranging the living room furniture, and organizing the cabinets in the kitchen. Plus, Seth had been after his parents for awhile now to redecorate his bedroom---he wanted to paint the walls and hang up a few pictures, and paint his desk. And all three of the boys agreed that they’d like to change the paint color of the downstairs workout room that they were slowly building.

In fact, there were a bunch of things that could be done around the house, and the boys seemed game. Lily was sitting at the kitchen table on Sunday night, drinking tea and making a to-do list. They needed to hit the paint store, order prints, pick out frames---so many things, and she wrote them all down. And then it happened.

Lily coughed.

She had always thought it curious that often, the greatest catastrophes began with the tiniest events, and that cough, the second it escaped Lily’s lips, signified something big. Lily knew the second it happened---she was getting sick.

She tried to talk herself out of it. She never got sick. Moms don’t have time to get sick. But the cough was followed by another and then another. She got up and started searching her medicine cabinet.

Lily was still coughing later that evening when she went by to check on the boys. None of them were anywhere near ready for bed, opting instead to savor their two weeks off by staying up late that night. It was Seth that noticed her cough first.

“Mama? Are you sick?”

“Nah. Just a little cold. Actually, allergies are starting to kick up right about now. I’m going to bed, though. You guys can stay up if you want. But I’m going to take a little Nyquil and lie down. Come get me if you need me okay?”

Lily knew that this was uncharacteristic of her; she ALWAYS peeked in on the boys once they’d gone to bed. And she didn’t miss the look the three of them exchanged. But she headed to bed anyway, still hopeful that some cough medicine and some sleep was all she needed and that she’d wake up the next morning good as new.

Yeah, right.

She woke up the next morning shivering, and she knew she had a fever. Her head was throbbing and the cough had returned with a vengeance. Dammit. Lily tried to sit up, but a wave of dizziness washed over her. Double dammit. This was SO NOT what she needed. 

Lily laid in bed, trying to get her bearings, wishing she had some juice. Or nasal spray. Or a shotgun. Yeah, a shotgun sounded good. Then she could blast her nose open. It’d be messy but she’d be able to breathe…

A knock on her door shattered her thoughts.

It was Roman, and he had a glass of juice. God love that boy.

“Mom? You don’t sound good.”

“I don’t feel good,” Lily admitted to her son. 

“Here,” Roman handed Lily the orange juice, and when her hands trembled, he helped her drink it.

“Mom? I think you’re really sick…”

“Nonsense, Ro. I’ll be okay. I just need to---” Lily’s denial was interrupted by a fit of coughing that rendered her nearly breathless.

“You just need to see a doctor and get some medicine,” Roman finished.

“No, I just need a little cough syrup...help me to the bathroom, will you?” Roman rolled his eyes and Lily cringed; she must look as horrid as she felt. Her son wrapped a strong arm around her waist and helped her to her feet; the dizziness returned but Roman’s grip was firm. She managed to pee and then get to the medicine cabinet and find some Robitussin. Then Roman helped her back to bed. And then, that sweet boy felt her forehead.

“You have a fever,” Roman told her.

“Yeah...I know.” There was really no point in denying it at this point.

“Do you want me to get you the thermometer?”

“Okay.”

Her temperature wound up being 103.4 and that’s when she conceded that Roman was right; she needed to see a doctor. She sighed.

“I think we should take you to the ER,” Roman told her. By then, they’d been joined by Dean and Seth. Lily wanted to tell them to just stay home and she’d go on her own, but she also knew there was no way she could drive and her boys seemed intent on making sure she was okay. Finally she agreed to let Dean drive them all out there.

She made the boys wait in the waiting room while a doctor saw her, and the doctor took one look at her and said,

“Flu.”

“What? It’s March.” Lily wasn’t sure she heard him right.

“The strain we had this last season has been hanging on longer,” the doctor explained. “That’s why even people who got flu shots are starting to come down with it. I’m going to give you a prescription for Tamiflu and a decongestant. Take Mucinex every twelve hours, drink lots of liquids, get lots of rest. You’re a doctor; you know what to do.”

“And this’ll have me down...what, a few days and then I’m good as new?”

The doctor looked at her quizzically.

“You’re looking at at least ten days,” he told her calmly.

Oh, good Lord. Ten DAYS? This was going to be a fiasco.

 

_________________________________________

 

When Dean heard the diagnosis, his first thought was, there goes spring break. But his second thought was of his mother, laying with him for hours in that hospital bed, comforting him, bringing him Gatorade and meds and holding him while he slept. And then he felt guilty for even considering the ramifications that this would have on the break.

His mother never once shirked her responsibilities to him, so he’d be damned if he was going to bail on her. And he knew Roman and Seth would agree.

Operation Make Mom Better was in full swing.

The first step was to get her prescriptions filled, but by the time they left the hospital and headed for home, she looked like she could barely sit up. So with some deliberation, the brothers agreed that Dean would drop Mom and Seth by the house, and then he and Roman would go back out to Target and get their mother’s medicine, and pick up the food on the grocery list. 

While they were there, the pharmacist looked them over.

“We need to get prescriptions for Lily Girardi,” Dean said, trying to sound as grown up as he could muster and passing the papers over to her.

“You don’t look much like a Lily Girardi,” the lady told him. Roman stepped in then.

“She’s our mother. She has the flu. We took her to the doctor this morning, and this is what he said she needs.”

“How old are you two?” 

“Sixteen,” they answered in unison.

The lady’s face softened.

“And you’re taking care of your mother?”

They nodded.

“Tell you what,” the lady said. “I’m going to fill these stat. While you’re waiting, I’m going to make you a list of things that will help her feel better. You pick those up and meet me back here okay?”

That sounded good to Dean and Roman nodded his agreement.

They picked up Vaporub, nasal spray, peppermint oil, Tylenol, more Nyquil, chapstick, and stuff for the vaporizer. Then they headed over to the grocery department, where they found everything on their mother’s grocery list, plus more orange juice, popsicles, crackers, ginger ale, jello, and honey, lemons, cinnamon, and more tea. When they returned to the pickup window, the pharmacist told them how to add some cinnamon and lemon juice to honey, warm it up, and drink it quickly, and it would help with coughing and sore throats. Roman and Dean were more than thankful. 

They returned to find their mother in bed and Seth in bed with her, spooning her.

“What are you doing?” Dean asked him.

“When I’m sick, Mama lays with me,” Seth explained. “So since she’s sick, I’m going to lay with her.”

Lily appeared to be asleep, and Seth seemed to have it under control, so Roman and Dean went back to the kitchen to put everything away. 

“Rome? Do you think Mom is going to be okay?” Dean asked his brother.

“She’ll be fine. We’ve gotta do our best to take care of her though. Dad would want us to do that if he was here, don’t you think?”

“Yes. We will. She’ll be all proud and shit as soon as she’s with it enough to notice,” Dean agreed, and Roman laughed.

Their mother had taken care of them dozens of times. The boys knew what to do. How hard could this really be?

After awhile, Seth got up and proclaimed that Mom needed soup. When Dean presented him with a can of chicken noodle, Seth wrinkled his nose.

“Would she feed this to US if WE were sick?” 

Dean had to admit she wouldn’t. 

“I can make homemade, I think,” Seth said. “If one of you will go sit with Mom.”

“Do you really think we need to sit with Mom?” Roman wondered.

“When was the last time she left your side when YOU were sick?” Seth pointed out. 

Once again, Dean couldn’t deny that his brother was right, so he and Roman retreated to their parents’ bedroom with a bottle of water, a glass of orange juice, and a bag of things from the pharmacy. 

Their mother was coughing up a storm, shivering under her blanket even though she was wearing sweats. Roman felt her forehead and sighed. 

“Mom? You thirsty?” Dean asked her. She nodded.

“Water or juice?”

“Water...will you get me a straw? Please?” Lily asked. She looked so small and weak, just miserable.

“Of course. I’ll be right back,” Dean promised.

He returned with a straw, and then tried to hand his mother the bottle, but her hands were still shivering so hard, so he held it for her. Roman was trying to figure out Mom’s meds, finally pouring some of the prescription decongestant into a little cup and fishing a Tamiflu pill out of the bottle.

“Are you sure she should take those together?” Dean asked. 

“Well...no,” Roman answered. “But wouldn’t say if she couldn’t?”

“This one says ‘take with food,’” Dean pointed out. 

“Mom?” Roman tried to get Lily’s attention.

“Mmmm,” she moaned. “What is it, baby?”

“Do you want any food?” Roman asked her.

“Not right now, love.”

Roman shrugged. 

“Okay. You should take your medicine, Mama,” he helped her swallow the pill first, then the liquid. Dean watched all of this with an approving eye. 

“Don’t worry, Mom,” he decided to try to comfort his mother. “We’re here. Seth’s making you homemade soup, and we’re going to take care of you. You’re gonna be okay.”

This made his mother smile weakly.

“I so love you boys,” she whispered, before closing her eyes and leaning her head against Roman’s leg.

See? Dean thought to himself. Taking care of Mama will be easy. This isn’t so terrible. He had no idea what they were about to be in for.


	68. The Tables Have Turned

Roman hated vomit. He recalled all of the times his mother had cleaned up his own vomit though, and so he found himself dutifully scrubbing the t-shirt she had been wearing and the sheets that had been on her bed when she threw up. Turns out the meds didn’t agree too well. He didn’t say this often, but he should’ve listened to Dean.

Dean had taken on the task of drawing their mom a nice hot bath, and she was soaking in the tub while Roman started the laundry. It was completely disgusting. Roman wondered how exactly their mother tolerated all of this when they were sick. Between the three of them, there had been plenty of times when one or more of them needed her attention. And she never once acted like it was an inconvenience to take care of them. Roman remembered one time in particular. 

It was about six months after Dean came home, and Roman had been sitting in biology learning about classifications of insects when he’d started to feel woozy. By the time school was out, he was coughing up green stuff, throwing up green stuff, and had green stuff coming out of his nose. His dear mother had taken him to the doctor (he had bronchitis), then brought him home. And no matter how much green stuff he coughed up, she was there with a cool cloth to wipe his mouth and soft words and arms that held him semi-upright all night long so he could relax but still breathe.

Roman was definitely developing a new respect for his mother and father. In fact, as he stood in front of the washing machine, he briefly let himself wonder if he and Megan would ever have a child someday. Then he snapped himself out of it. It was way too early to think about that.

Once the sheets and clothes were running, Roman met Dean in the hallway. 

“Mama wants that honey stuff,” Dean said. “Do you remember what the lady said?”

“Yeah---I’ll fix it. Is she in bed?” Roman asked.

“Uh huh. She said her stomach feels better but the coughing is worse."

“Okay.”

Roman returned to the kitchen, where Seth was stirring soup. He had to admit, it smelled pretty amazing. Seth seemed to have a natural talent when it came to cooking.  
Roman himself was getting better, but for most things Seth didn’t even use a recipe. He busied himself mixing this lemon concoction---squeeze half a lemon, dump in some honey, and add a teaspoon of cinnamon. Then microwave 15 seconds and stir it up.

It looked God-awful, but it didn’t smell half bad, and Roman brought it back to Lily.

“Thake you, Ro,” his mother sounded so stuffy. “Cad you boys fide the vaporizer?”

“I’ll look for it,” Dean volunteered.

Roman handed his mother the mug.

“The lady at the pharmacy said you should drink it like a shot,” Roman told her.

“What do you doe about shots, Robad?” Yup, Mama was stuffy, all right.

“Nothing. I was hoping you knew what that meant,” Roman replied honestly.

Lily managed a smile before drinking the lemon mixture in one gulp and then sagging back on the pillows.

“I’b sorry, Ro,” Lily murmured. “I doe this isd’t how you wadted to sped your break.”

“We don’t mind,” Roman said, and he meant it. 

Lily fell asleep again shortly after that, but Roman didn’t feel like leaving her alone, so he stretched out in the chaise and texted Megan. 

_How sick is she?_

Megan was so considerately curious about how Lily was doing that it made Roman smile.

_Pretty sick. Doc said she’ll probably be down for about 10 days._

There was a pause, and Roman gazed at his mother.

She was sleeping fitfully, shivering and pale. Her skin looked clammy. Roman had gotten his 49ers blanket and done his best to wrap his mother in it tightly, but she was trembling so hard that she kept shaking it loose. This frustrated Roman; how was he supposed to keep her warm if she kept shaking off the blanket? He voiced this irritation in his next text to Megan, who replied with,

_How do you think she must feel when she takes care of you?_

Roman grinned.

_Do you think we’re that hard to take care of?_

And he laughed out loud when he read Megan’s reply.

_I’ve met all three of you and I think you’re probably worse._

Lily started coughing again, though she didn’t wake up, so Roman mimicked what he’d seen her do and starting gently patting her back. It seemed to help. 

After a bit he got up to see how the soup was coming. Seth had just ladled it into bowls. Roman ate some and had to admit it was pretty good. Surely Mama would want some. He took a steaming bowl and went with Dean back to her bedroom. She seemed half awake.

“Mama? Want some soup?”

Lily looked at him drowsily.

“Who bade it?” Roman grinned.

“Seth, so it’s safe. He wouldn’t let me or Dean near the kitchen.”

Roman helped his mother sit up and when her hands shook too much to grip the spoon, he offered her some of the broth. She ate a few mouthfuls and then sagged against Dean, who patted her arm.

“Don’t worry, Mom. We’re here,” Dean told her thoughtfully.

“I doe,” Lily murmured. “I ab very proud of by boys. You three are so good to be...oh…”

Lily braced herself against Roman for a moment, then tried to sit up.

“Hey...it’s okay. What do you need?” Roman asked, trying to get her to lay back down but her eyes were suddenly panicked.

“I’b goig to be sick,” Lily tried to scramble out of bed. Roman and Dean both lunged for the trash can, Dean leaping over the bed to get there, but they crashed into each other and then Lily dropped to her knees on the floor and every drop of soup came back up. Roman just sighed. 

He made it to Lily, who was glassy-eyed and sweating, and without even thinking about it, he scooped her up bridal-style.

“Your turn,” he called over his shoulder to Dean as he carried his mother into the bathroom.

 

________________________________________

 

Dean was thoroughly grossed out. 

He’d spent 20 minutes scrubbing puke out of the carpet in his parents’ bedroom, even after Roman had helped Mom back into bed and pulled the blankets up around her. She’d told him not to worry about it. He couldn’t just leave it there, though.

This, Dean thought, was true love. 

Seth had cleaned up the kitchen and joined them in the bedroom, where he was laying beside their mother and holding her hand. They found a cheesy comedy on Netflix, but none of them paid much attention to it.

“I don’t understand,” Roman was looking at the pill bottles and the instructions from the Target pharmacy. “These don’t say that they can’t be taken together and why would the doctor prescribe them both if they couldn’t?”

He handed some of the papers to Dean.

“Rome...this one says take with food.”

“We gave her soup…”

“Yeah---AFTER she got sick. I think we were supposed to give her food BEFORE she took the medicine…” Dean shook his head. They were dopes.

“Well, she needs the cough syrup,” Roman mused. “It helps. The Tamiflu could probably wait until tonight…”

“It IS tonight,” they heard Seth from the bed and looked up.

He was right; it was 8:45. 

“She got sick the second time at about 5...do you think we should wake her up to eat?” Dean wondered.

“She has to have something. Even if it’s just more juice. But we can’t give her anymore Tamiflu until she’s eaten. What else do we have besides soup?” Roman asked.

“Jello...applesauce...crackers…” Seth started rattling things off.

“Mama?” Dean crawled into bed on his mom’s other side and rubbed her shoulder. Lily woke with a start.

“Mmmm?” 

“Hey, Mom, we think you’re supposed to eat before you take this medicine. We think that might be why you’re puking,” Dean was trying to be helpful, but Lily’s head lolled back and she groaned.

“It’s okay...I dod’t wadt adythig,” she muttered.

“I know but you need your cough medicine so you can rest---” Dean started, but his mother interrupted.

“It’s okay,” she repeated.

“Mom...you wouldn’t let us miss OUR medicine,” Seth reminded her. She sighed, then coughed.

“Okay, okay.”

“You want more soup?”

“Yeah,” Lily said, and Dean almost detected a slight whine in her voice. It made him smile; oh how the tables had turned.

“I made it just for you, Mom,” Seth whispered.

“I doe, bub,” Lily squeezed Seth’s hand. “Thagk you.”

“You’re welcome. I love you.”

“I love you too...all of you,” Mom replied.

Roman came back with a small bowl of soup and some crackers, and this time Lily was able to hold it and feed herself, though she was still obviously tired. 

She didn’t eat much, Dean noted, but it was a start, so Roman went ahead and gave her the decongestant. Lily sighed and curled back up.

“I haved’t beed this sick sidce I was id college,” she told the boys.

“You always manage to stay well even when we’re sick…” Roman began.

“It’s the mom antibodies,” Seth broke in. “She told me that once.”

Lily smiled. 

“You rebeber that, bub?”

“I remember everything you’ve ever told me,” Seth smiled at their mom.

It didn’t take long for the coughing to start back up, even with the medicine. Her cough was deep and sounded painful, and Seth motioned to Dean to help him help her sit up. 

“Are you okay, Mom?” Dean asked her softly. She nodded, but she couldn’t seem to catch her breath. 

“Where are the cough drops?” Roman asked.

“Ummm...in the kitchen, I think,” Dean replied.

“I didn’t see them in the kitchen,” Seth threw in.

“Well, they’re here somewhere,” Dean started to get up as Seth reached for the glass of water on the bedside table, but it was too late.

The incessant coughing made Lily gag, and---well, anyone could tell what was coming next. 

So much for cough syrup and Tamiflu.

“TIme to start another load of laundry,” Roman said, full of false cheerfulness, as Dean peeled back the blanket that was now drowning in soupy vomit and Seth patted Lily’s back. 

“I deed steab,” Lily muttered, crawling out of the bed.

“C’mon,” Dean helped her to her feet. “Let’s get the shower on really hot and make the bathroom into a sauna.” 

Lily just nodded as Dean led her out of the room, leaving Seth and Roman to deal with the aftermath.

 

____________________________________

 

The first night after Lily was diagnosed with influenza, the three boys stayed with her all night. After Dean had taken her into the bathroom to steam it up, and Seth and Roman had started yet another load of laundry, they put her back in bed. Seth resumed his post at her side, Dean sprawled out across their feet, and Roman stretched out on the chaise. None of them slept too well except for Mom. The boys were hyper-aware, waking at every cough, sniffle, and moan. Luckily, Lily slept well and never threw up again.

Seth was vigilant the next several days, not only to make sure his mom was okay also to make sure his brothers were. He watched them religiously for signs of the flu. It seemed too much to ask that no one else would get it, since it was allegedly so contagious. Seth wondered where Lily had picked it up.

It was so funny to him that she didn’t get seriously ill until AFTER she retired and raised three kids. Not that they weren’t still being raised, but they were old enough now to be careful about germs and stuff. He couldn’t recall a time when his mother had ever been knocked down so hard. She had the occasional bout with allergies, but that was really it.

Seth used this as a learning opportunity, and busied himself in the kitchen whenever he could. Anything his mother asked for, he found a way to fix. Eggs and toast, grilled cheese, various soups. She asked them to go to Target to get her some tomato soup. Instead, Seth made her tomato soup using real tomatoes.

She devoured it and asked for more, and praised him for his effort.

“This is incredible, bub.”

Even his brothers had been impressed.

“Hey, Seth,” Dean had said. “If this zoologist thing doesn’t work out, you may have a career as a chef coming.”

By the third day, all three of the boys were convinced their mom was on the bed. She still had a terrible cough and she still slept as much as she could, but she woke up that morning practically drowning in sweat and after a shower, she said she was pretty sure her fever was gone. She ate more, drank plenty, stopped shaking, wasn’t nearly as stuffy, and perhaps the most telltale sign that she was feeling better---she was terribly bored.

And a bored Mama, the boys quickly discovered, was a whiny Mama.

Seth understood; you could only sleep so much, watch so many movies, or play so many games of cards. So they decided to change her scenery.

Roman dragged a lawn chair out around to the side of the house, and Seth and Dean helped their mom bundle up. It was in the high 50’s, but neither wanted her to get cold, so they insisted she wear sweatpants and a hoodie. Once they settled their mother in the chair, they got out the basketball.

It had been awhile since the three of them had played together, and Seth loved it. It felt so freeing to run and shoot and just kind of...let go for a bit. Now that Roman was allowed to do more, and Dean was completely recovered from being sick, it was time to pick it back up.

Usually Tony was there as well, and then they played two on two, but since he was in France, they opted for one on one on one. It was a blast. Seth didn’t normally have much use for playing sports (he liked watching them but that was about it). Basketball was kind of different, though. He wasn’t as good as Roman or Dean, wasn’t as fast, and definitely wasn’t as athletic in general, but he had a damn good shot. He didn’t tell them that what he was really good at was calculating distance, force, and angles in his head.

What was he, a nerd?

Well, okay, yeah, he was, but he wasn’t ashamed of that fact. Actually, he was a little proud of it.

Nerdiness attracted Katie, after all. 

Once they were done playing, they went inside, where Lily retired to her bedroom for a nap, so the boys sort of dispersed to do their own things. Seth wandered into his parents’ room. Lily, to his surprise, was lying in bed wide awake.

“Mom? You okay?” Seth asked her.

“Hey, bub. I’m okay. What’re you up to?” His mother smiled at him, then patted the bed, and he gratefully crawled in next to her.

“Nothing,” he replied. “I’m glad you feel better.”

“You know, I do feel better,” Lily agreed. “I think it’s because I had such good caregivers.”

Seth blushed.

“No, I’m serious,” his mother went on. “I don’t know what I’d have done without you three.”

“You’d have gone to Paris with Daddy,” Seth reminded her. She laughed.

“Yes, and then I would’ve gotten sick there, which would’ve been horrible,” she replied. “Better to be here with my three favorite teenagers. I’m just glad that none of you caught it.”

“Is it too late for us to get it now?” Seth wondered.

“I mean I suppose it’s still possible,” Lily answered. “But as fast as it hit me, I think you’d probably already be symptomatic. How goes it with Katie?”

“Okay. Good. I mean good,” Seth could feel himself blush again. “It’s better than okay. It’s good.” He was thankful that his mother seemed to understand what he meant. Instead of asking, she simply wondered,

“Any plans for your next date?”

“Actually, yeah,” Seth confided. “Sometime before the break is over, I want to stash a picnic up the path and then ask her if she wants to go on a nature walk.”

“Aww, Seth. That’s sweet. Daddy and I did something like that once,” Lily kissed his cheek. “That was one of my favorite dates. Actually that ended up being the first time we ever---yeah. That’s a sweet idea.” His mother blushed too, but Seth didn’t push it. He knew better than that. Instead he cozied up closer to Lily. She hugged  
him to her.

“You’re growing up, bub,” she whispered to him then, and he nodded. 

“I know. But I’m always going to be your baby, right?” Lily smiled.

“For the rest of my life, and the rest of yours, and even after that,” she said, before falling asleep with her head on his shoulder. For once, baby or not, it was Seth holding her tight instead of the other way around.


	69. Prom

By the time Lily felt legitimately better, the spring break was nearly over but it had hardly been wasted.

Lily’s sons had spent their break entertaining her to the fullest. All of their projects fell by the wayside, but that was okay. She spent the better part of a week in bed just resting; she’d been fine as long as she was laying down, but if at any point she stood for too long, the room spun and she had to sit or fall. Luckily, the boys were happy to take turns carrying her to the bathroom (even arguing over who got to do it next). It probably wasn’t entirely NECESSARY, but she let them anyway. It felt good to be pampered a little.

And pamper her they did.

That first few days, when she had laid in bed and wished she could just die, her boys had played soft music, offered her tea, toast, and soup, and many times massaged her feet. She overheard their ends of several conversations with their father, and twice, Roman had gently held his phone up to her ear so that Tony could tell her he loved her, and how proud he was of their sons. At one point, when she had slept as long as she could sleep but was still too weak to get up, she and Dean had laid in bed together for four hours and watched Big Bang Theory reruns. It was oddly comforting. For a person who generally tried not to let her boys see her at her worst, Lily found that this time, she didn’t mind too much.

Seth, in particular, seemed to need to be near her while she was miserable. He slept beside her each night, though she suspected that there was not much sleep to be had. He kept vigil, and she appreciated it. Seth loved his father and brothers; the necessary trust was there, and no one doubted that they were close. But his bond with Lily was strongest, and that was also common knowledge. No one minded. No one cared. That was just how it was. She worried that he’d end up sick too, but he didn’t.

Once she was feeling a little better, the boys picked up their game. They read to her. They told her terrible jokes. They busted out the board games, watched movies they hadn’t watched in ages, and even spent an entire evening snuggling in the king-size bed watching the trilogy of the Disney versions of Robin Hood, The Jungle Book, and The Rescuers Down Under.

At one point, the three had dressed up as The Three Tenors and sang O Solé Mio. It was hilarious and horrible, and Lily laughed until she peed.

They also spent hours just talking, sometimes all four together, sometimes one on one. Lily learned more about Seth’s feelings for Katie and Roman’s feelings for Megan, as well as Dean’s worries that he might never the right girl for him. She reassured him that the right person was out there and that he was young, but she also offered him her empathy, because she was 16 once too and she remembered that feeling that her middle son had. No words to the contrary were going to change how he felt, and she knew what he really wanted was validation anyway.

Finally, a few days before the break ended, she decided she felt well enough to leave the house, so she took them to the mall and let them shop for summer clothes. Afterwards, they had lunch and then went to Target. Lily thought she’d die by the time they got home, but she didn’t regret it. Not for a second.

Eventually, the time came for the kids to return to school, and a few days after that happened, Tony came home. He swooped her up into his arms and kissed her.

“You have no idea how much I missed you,” he whispered to her, love gleaming in his eyes.

“I missed you too. But our boys...our incredible boys did a wonderful job of stepping up to the plate while you were gone,” Lily told him. “I’m so so proud of them, T.”

“So am I,” Tony replied with a smile. “So am I. How did we end up so blessed?”

“I don’t know,” Lily answered him. “But I can’t stress enough how thankful I am for them. Are we going to tell them about the trip we’re working on?”

“I don’t know...how fun would it be to land and they don’t find out where they are until they walk off the plane?”

“It would be completely incredible, but I think that these days, that’s damn near impossible,” said Lily. “But I think we can keep the secret awhile longer.”

A month after spring break, it was prom time.

At Creek Ridge, prom wash only for Juniors and Seniors, unless an upperclassman asked an underclassman to accompany them as their date. Megan and Roman were going, of course. Seth and Dean were irked; Seth wanted to be able to take Katie, and Dean rarely cared for any situation he couldn’t participate in. Lily shut them up quick, though.

“It isn’t Roman’s fault,” she reminded them. “Rules are rules. And Daddy and I are chaperoning, so you two will have the evening all to yourselves.”

The morning of the dance, Lily washed her hair and put it in rollers before turning her attention to Roman’s long, wavy locks.

Tony looked in on them while she was working a comb through it.

“You know, I used to feel guilty that you never had a daughter,” he teased. Lily threw a toothbrush at him.

“The only thing I can’t do with our boys that I COULD do with a girl is worry about them getting ovarian cancer,” she retorted and Tony burst out laughing.

“That’s one way to look at it,” he said.

Once Roman’s hair looked perfect, Lily went back into her own bathroom to admire her dress.

The truth was, she was terribly excited to be going to a prom with her beloved. They hadn’t even known each other when their own proms had taken place. Lily hadn’t even bothered going her Junior year, opting instead to stay home and sit on the roof and finish an English paper. So now, years later, she couldn’t wait to go.

She’d shopped for a dress, a pale green shimmery thing that was just the right style for her age---she definitely didn’t look frumpy, but she also looked older than the teenagers. At 45, this was an important thing.

Tony had helped Roman rent a tux, and Lily knew he was renting one for himself as well. She had already commandeered Dean to take some pictures of her and Tony along with some of Roman and Megan. 

Roman had been finally cleared to drive by Dr. Gartland, after he went 30 days without a single dizzy spell. However, even though their son was now perfectly capable of driving, Tony and Lily had taken the liberty of sending their boy to prom in style. They rented the kids a limo. They had called Megan’s mother Julie, and asked her to bring Megan out to their house on prom night under the guise of taking pics around all of the spring flowers, and the limo would show up and escort them off. Lily and Tony would even drive separate.

Once Lily had her dress on, she turned to the makeup, and then to her hair. She hadn’t really given much thought to that, but she settled for a simple, elegant updo. She gave herself the once over in the mirror. There was no doubt about it. She was going to knock Tony dead.

Any thought of that melted away, however, when she laid eyes on Roman.

He stood in the foyer, jacket over his arm, looking so incredibly handsome and excrutiatingly grown up. Like a man. And it hit her then that at that moment, a man was exactly what he was. 

He was a young man, taking a young lady to a dance for the first time. As she tended to do in moments like this, in the back of her mind, Lily pictured the 9-year-old little boy that had been so sullen, so frightened, so angry at the whole entire world. That little boy was about to turn 17. 

Don’t cry, Lily told herself. Your eyes will run.

That might have been the hardest thing she had ever achieved.

But when Megan arrived and Roman laid eyes on her for the first time in a gorgeous turquoise gown, when he gently slipped a corsage on her wrist, when he kissed her softly and whispered,

“You look so beautiful,”

Lily knew it was worth it. Her baby boy was a young man, and that hurt, but there was no greater sense of pride than what she was feeling right then.

 

______________________________________

 

Prom was possibly one of the best nights of Roman’s life.

Megan looked absolutely incredible. Of course, Roman thought she was beautiful all the time, but in her dress, she was a complete knockout. Her makeup was elegant and her long brown hair hung down her back in ringlets. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to keep his eyes off her.

They took pictures out in the hard, by the flowers and under the trees. His mother and father (who were looking pretty stunning themselves) joined them and Dean appeared to be in Heaven posing them, checking for detail, and snapping photos. Roman was pretty excited to see them.

And then the limo arrived.

“Did you do this?” Megan gasped when they saw it roll up. But Roman was as baffled as she was. Until he noticed his father looking like the cat that caught the canary.

“Dad?” Roman questioned. Tony just nodded.

“Mom and I wanted you guys to have the royal treatment tonight. We’re proud of you, son. Enjoy this.”

They chatted all the way to the school, and they didn’t let go of each other’s hands. As Roman gazed into Megan’s soft brown eyes, he realized something. He really thought he might be in love. Right then, he could not even begin to imagine his life without Megan in it. And he couldn’t wait to see what the future held.

They danced until their feet hurt, and then took a break to watch his parents dance like teenagers. Roman rolled his eyes in feigned embarrassment as they passed, but really he was enjoying watching them. That’s what he really wanted, he decided. He wanted to have a relationship like his parents had. He wanted someone to love him the way his mother loved his father, and he had a good feeling that he’d found her.

After the dance ended, Roman and Megan hopped into the limo (and he could get used to that) and were ferried off to the After Party, kind of a teenager carnival that was set up with the intention of keeping the students safe and not drinking after prom ended. Everything was paid for by the PTA, which his mother had joined and spearheaded a campaign to make this as enjoyable for the kids as possible.

There was Bingo, a cake walk, and quite a few other games with some pretty awesome prizes. One game, lifesize Yahtzee, offered $100 gift cards to Barnes & Noble, and Roman set his sights on that. When he finally won one, he tried to give it to Megan, but she wouldn’t hear of it. Eventually they agreed to split it down the middle.  
There were other things, too; a rock wall, a photo booth, a karaoke competition (turns out neither one of them could carry a tune). There was plenty of food, and perhaps the most fun thing was the door prizes. Megan won a Google ChromeBook, which made Roman happy because he knew she was in need of a new laptop and her mother just didn’t have the extra money at the moment.

The entire experience was a definite success, and when Roman finally arrived home at about 5 am and crawled into bed, he fell asleep with a giant smile on his face.


	70. Driving to the Third Power

In early May, Dean got a letter. It had no return address, and it was postmarked Helena, Montana. It read,

_Kid,  
I watched you that morning to make sure you got to safety. Then I watched on the news the footage of you being loaded into an ambulance. I hope you’re doing okay.  
I’ve done bad shit, kid. But I ain’t never meant for any of this to happen to you. I never had kids, never wanted some, but I think you’re a good kid with good parents. If I had known that Brad never intended to ask them for the ransom, I never would’ve let him do this. I’d have ended it before it started. I know that makes me as greedy and stupid as him. You probably already know this, but he ain’t gonna bother you anymore.  
At first, I figured that’d make you an orphan, but then I realized---you ain’t no orphan. I heard the hurt in your mother’s voice the first time we saw her on the TV and I saw the happiness in your parents’ eyes every time I saw them after they had you back. That’s a real mama and daddy. Not those junkies you got dealt when you were born.   
On that topic, I need to tell you something you probably don’t know---Shelby and I were sisters once. I guess we still are, but she kicked me out of her life when you were just a few months old when I threatened her with DHS. She cleaned up for awhile after that, and I never did follow through. I’m sorry for that. I wish I had done a better job of doing right by you. I had your whole life. I don’t know what happened but I know if she lost you, she must’ve done something bad. Goddamn, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to stop that. I got involved with Brad after we found out she was dead. I think he always loved her, or whatever his version of love is, and I think he came to me because he thought that would help with the pain. I don’t know if it actually ever did.  
I was there when you were born. I held you. You peed on my shirt. Didn’t mind one bit. You were beautiful. Just perfect. Shelby drank a lot while she was pregnant with you and I worried about that but the second I saw you, I knew you’d grow up to do amazing things.   
About Shelby. Once upon a time, she was a good person. We had no money growing up and her father, our mother’s second husband, did things to her. She wanted out of there and she realized pretty quick that selling drugs and hooking would do that. Ain’t no kind of life. Especially ain’t no kind of life for a beautiful baby boy to grow up in. I’m glad that you’ve got better parents now.   
I thought maybe you’d like to have these. I don’t know when things started to go downhill again with Shelby, but you need to know that there was a time period when you were brand new that you were surrounded by love. I know that doesn’t come close to making up for the hell they put you through, or for me not being there to take care of you, but I want you to have them anyway. I’m a wanted woman now, kid, so I’ll stay away. The difference between now and then is that before, I hoped and prayed that you would be loved and taken care of and now, I know you will be.  
Tina_

Dean read the letter five times, completely stunned at all of the revelations he had just read, and then he opened up the envelope wider and turned it over. Five photos fell out.

In the first, a much younger Tina was planting a kiss on the cheek of a tiny baby, one that Dean could only assume was him. The second and third were snapshots of a newborn with a full head of blond hair, deep blue eyes, and---yes. Dimples even then. The fourth was another snapshot, of an infant but much older than newborn, laying on his tummy, pushing his head up with his arms, a look of deep determination on his face. On the back of that one, sloppy handwriting had scrawled “Dean learns to crawl.” The fifth and final picture was of him and Shelby.

It didn’t match any of the memories he had of Shelby, either.

In this photo, she was holding him in front of a Christmas tree, indicating to Dean that he couldn’t have been more than two weeks old or so. Shelby was cradling him in her arms, staring down at him with a look on her face that said that she could just about explode with love. It was beautiful, but not true, because in the recesses of Dean’s mind, he kept returning to what he KNEW. It would take awhile, he realized, for his mind to make room for this new information. Then something hit him.

He had to show his father. Because in the letter, Tina had basically confessed to killing Brad, and he knew that now, so if he didn’t tell, didn’t that make him an accessory to murder? Even though he truthfully didn’t know where Tina was, Montana would be where they would want to start. 

Dean didn’t want to have any part of Tina Briggs being apprehended, but then again, he also didn’t want to go to jail. So with a heavy heart and tears in his eyes, he approached his mother. His father hadn’t yet returned from work.

Lily was sitting at the table working on her laptop. At first, she didn’t look up, simply addressing him with her eyes on the screen. How she always knew which of her boys was approaching her, Dean would never know. 

“Hey, sweetie. I think I want to rescue another dog. Take a look at---” Lily looked up then, and saw how distressed her middle child was.

“Dean?” She jumped up and flew to his side and enveloped him into a hug. When they were both standing, Dean was a good four inches taller than his mother, but he allowed his head to drop to her shoulder anyway. The tears began to fall.

“What happened?” Lily whispered. 

Dean couldn’t speak. He just handed his mother the letter.

With one arm still firmly around him, she took the paper and began to read. She couldn’t have gotten more than a few lines in when she stopped and took his hand.

“C’mon,” she said quietly, guiding him to the couch and inviting him to sit and rest his head back on her shoulder. He obliged gratefully. Lily tightened her arm around him and continued to read. She inhaled sharply a couple of times and when she was done, she put the letter down and wrapped her other arm around Dean too. He completely broke down then, sobbing and shaking while Lily held him close, nuzzling his cheek softly, occasionally planting a gentle kiss to his forehead or temple, but the whole time, she said nothing.

This puzzled Dean; he expected his mom to quietly reassure him that everything would be find; that they weren’t going after Tina, and he wouldn’t have to relive the whole thing once again. Instead, she picked up her phone. Her grip on him never loosened as she dialed someone, presumably Tony.

Dean’s suspicions were confirmed a moment later, when he heard his mother’s side of the conversation.

“T? Hey. Are you on your way home? Dean and I need to talk to you about something.”

At the mention of “Dean and I,” he felt a flood of relief. He still couldn’t peg what his mother was thinking, but that simple statement of unity let him know that no matter what, she was on his side.

When Tony arrived home, he read the letter. Then he turned it over in his hands. Then he read it again. Then he called Roman and Seth in to the living room. 

“I think we need to have a family meeting,” he said quietly.

After a brief description of what was going on, Tony turned back to Dean.

“What do YOU want to happen next, son?”

Dean had stopped crying awhile ago, and he sighed.

“Daddy, I’ve told you...I just want to be done with this,” he whispered. “I don’t want to hunt her down. I don’t want want to tell a bunch of strangers in court all about what happened. I know Tina shouldn’t have played any part of this, but...if she hadn’t and Brad had done it one his own, I don’t think I’d be here now.”

Immediately, Seth interjected.

“But Dean...everything he did to you…”

“He would have done anyway and it would have been worse,” Roman, ever the voice of reason, rested a hand on Dean’s knee. 

“I understand how you feel,” he told his brother. “No matter what happens next, though, we’ve got your back, okay?” 

Dean nodded.

“I think that maybe we need to sleep on this,” Lily said finally. “Let’s have some dinner.”

But Dean just picked at his food. 

 

____________________________________________________

 

Later that night, after the boys had all gone to bed, there was a discussion going on in Lily and Tony’s bedroom, and it was intense. Not heated, because that’s not how they usually did it, but they definitely were on opposite sides of this table, and who chose which side may have been surprising.

Because Tony, card carrying, gun toting letter of the law, wanted to just let it go.

And Lily, the calm, comforting, soothing Mama, wanted revenge. Or rather, she wanted to avenge her son. She couldn’t care less if Tina had killed Brad. That didn’t change her argument though.

After they placed all of their cards on the table, Lily asked the question.

“What are we teaching them about choices and consequences if we don’t try to find her?”

To which Tony responded,

“What are we teaching them about compassion if we do?”

Lily sighed.

“I get it, T. I do. But she could have easily gone to the police on the very first DAY, and then Dean wouldn’t have endured that hell and neither would we. But she didn’t. She was greedy and she went along with it, and then once he was on the verge of death, sure, then she decided that she needed to let him go and I’m thankful for that. But we don’t even know if she really did it for Dean’s benefit or if she just did it so she wouldn’t have a body on her hands.”

“IF she killed Brad, she got one anyway. I don’t really think that’s the reason she---” Tony began, but Lily interrupted.

“What do you mean, IF?”

“Lu, the letter doesn’t say that she killed Brad. It just says that he won’t bother Dean anymore. That’s common knowledge. And by the time she did let him go, he was so sick that he could just have easily died; we both know this. If that’d happened and she got caught she could have been charged with second degree murder. Here’s the thing. We can send people up to Montana. They won’t find her. It’s one of the biggest states, it has a lot of unchartered land, and she could just as easily be in Canada by now anyway. It’s a needle in a haystack.”

“But that’s not for us to decide,” came Lily’s calm rebuttal. “She broke the law and we now have a piece of potential evidence. If anyone finds out about that then we could be in big trouble.”

“If they go after her and happen to find her,” Tony replied, “all she can be charged with is kidnapping, maybe child endangerment, and Dean’s home safe. So she’s not going to do much time, and Dean’s going to have to testify and go through all of this crap again. He’s already halfway to over this, Lu. I just don’t think I can put him through that for a menial prison sentence. And that’s not even the point. I think he’s gotten a lot of new information dumped on him today that’s going to take him enough time to process. And unless Tina confesses, it’s her word against Dean’s. And Dean doesn’t even want to do this. Lu...I just...I do understand. I understand everything you’re feeling. And I do feel the same way on a lot of it. But Brad Hennigan is the real criminal here and one way or another he’s been dealt with. I don’t think it’s realistic to think Tina’s going to ever come back to haunt Dean. Let’s...let’s just be done with this.”

“If anyone finds that letter…” Lily began.

“No one is going to find it. No one will even look. And even if they did so what? There’s nothing concrete to connect it to Tina. Everything is circumstantial at best.”

They bantered a little bit more just for discussion’s sake, but it was clear by that point that the decision had been made. And the next morning early, they both crawled into Dean’s bed with him. They held him between them and kissed him and delivered the verdict.

“Dean,” Lily murmured. “We love you. It’s over, and it’s going to stay over.” And when Dean collapsed against them in exhaustion and relief, they both knew they had decided correctly.

A few weeks later Roman celebrated his 17th birthday and three days after that, Seth turned 16. Tony was aware that he was still a bit apprehensive about driving, but his brother had been an incredible teacher, and Roman went along with them when he took his driving test. He passed with flying colors. Tony knew he would, but the confirmation made what was coming that much more exciting.

Seth had, surprisingly, requested to stay home for this birthday, and he had turned down the option of a pool party. Instead he asked if they could just invite the Laird’s over and if Mom could please make him some chicken piccata. Lily agreed, of course; he could have gone to any restaurant in Houston, but if chicken piccata was what Seth wanted, that’s what he was going to get. She put Tony in charge of the cake.

Tony loved baking and cooking and while his stuff didn’t hold a candle to Lily’s, it was always still met with excitement. Granted, there wasn’t much three teenage boys WOULDN’T eat, but he still liked to think of himself as something of a master chef. He opted to pull out his Nonna’s recipe for limoncello creme and use it to top a basic white cake. The results looked delicious, if he did say so himself.

As per tradition, Dean helped his mother wrap gifts while Roman went with Tony to pick up Seth’s surprise, which by then was no surprise to anyone at all, really. A year ago, when Roman received his Jeep, his preference of vehicle had been a guess on his and Lily’s part; the fact that he loved it was a result of his mother’s intuition. They had known exactly what Dean and Seth wanted. This was largely because Dean happily told them the day after Roman’s 16th birthday. Seth was less eager, but when asked, he still jumped at the chance and simply said, “something small.” 

After doing plenty of research, they opted for a black Cadillac ATS Coupe. It only had two doors, but he and Lily reasoned that for now, that was okay. It was his first car and as the youngest, it was pretty certain that the only person he’d be carting around was Katie.

With six vehicles now residing at their house, Tony began calculating the costs of adding on to the garage, though he knew (with great trepidation) that Roman would be going off to college in a year, and in two years, the younger two would be following. He hated thinking about that. He was proud of his sons, absolutely, but he hated the idea of them being gone. Then he scolded himself. 

He was putting the cart before the horse anyway; at that point, he couldn’t really see Seth living on his own. Not yet.

That night, they celebrated. The Laird’s arrived with a few gifts and a bottle of sparkling grape juice, and they sat around the dining room table and feasted. They sang happy birthday. Seth blushed deeply, but he was smiling, and when Katie leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, he blushed and smiled even harder. Tony watched with a smile of his own on his face. No matter how much he and Lily didn’t like it, Seth was a young man now.

When he caught sight of his new car, he squealed. His reaction was much like Roman’s had been; he circled the Cadillac and kept repeating,

“You’re kidding. “You’re not kidding? This is for real? You’ve gotta be kidding.” His parents just laughed. Then Lily hugged him and kissed his cheek and motioned for Katie.

“It’s early, bub. Why don’t you take your young lady for ice cream?”

Both Katie and Seth looked at Julie, who nodded.

“Just be home by 10,” was all she said. 

Tony wrapped his arm around Lily as they watched their youngest drive away. It felt so surreal. They had three drivers. It was crazy.


	71. College Man

The summer had been glorious so far. Lily was so thankful that she’d retired; she still consulted once in awhile, and that was nice, but getting to spend the entire break at home with her sons was simply a fabulous experience.

In June, they went to the coast. For a month, this time. This year they took two cars, but one was Roman’s Jeep. Tony went out with them for the first week and then returned again the fourth week. And the Laird’s drove out for a long weekend towards the beginning of the trip.

When they first arrived, once everything was unpacked, Lily and Dean went for a walk on the beach, just the two of them. As they walked, they talked.

“Mom? Do you remember Kala? The girl I met in Hawaii?”

“Yup,” Lily replied fondly. “Your very first kiss…” 

She leaned over to ruffle Dean’s hair and he wriggled away in mock disgust. 

“MOM. Please. So anyway, Kala...she friended me on Facebook.”

“I didn’t know she was on Facebook. I didn’t know YOU were on Facebook.”

Dean wasn’t exactly known for his technical prowess.

“I’m not. I mean, I wasn’t, but then she sent me an email and asked me to join so I did.” This sounded reasonable to Lily.

“So who else are you friends with?”

“Nobody. Just her.”

This news made Lily laugh.

“I don’t think you exactly get the point of Facebook, sweetie.”

“Yes I do. I just don’t want to talk to anyone besides her.”

“Not even your dear old mom?” Lily feigned hurt, and Dean planted a kiss on her cheek.

“Of course I want to talk to you. But I see you every day and we talk all the time.”

Lily had to admit, Dean had a point.

“So...anyway,” Dean continued. “I was wondering if...like...if Kala’s family ever came to Texas, could they stay at our house?”

Lily looked at Dean, slightly taken aback.

“IS her family coming to Texas?” She questioned her son.

“I...I don’t know. I...I want her to.” Dean’s face made Lily’s heart sink a little; she hated that he seemed so sad.

“You miss her,” Lily knew she was stating the obvious. Dean just nodded. And Lily found herself conflicted.

How could she deny her son? But he was talking about putting up an entire strange family that may or may not even be coming, just so he could spend some time with a girl who lived practically a world away. And he was 16; could he really have that firm a concept of what a relationship like that really was? It seemed the older the boys got, the more their needs and wants befuddled her. So she went with the safest answer she could think of.

“I think...that this is very important to you,” Lily began. “And if it’s this important to you, we should at least talk to Daddy about it. But Dean, I don’t want you to get your hopes up okay? We never even really met Kala’s parents in Maui, aside from just a simple greeting. Even if we say yes, you have to know there’s every possibility that they won’t.”

Dean nodded again, his blue eyes hopeful.

“Okay. That’s fair,” he said softly. “I know it’s dumb, but I---”

“I didn’t say it was dumb, Dean,” Lily interrupted him and looked him in the eye. “I don’t think it’s dumb at all. I think it’s a stretch, and maybe a little impractical, but I don’t think it’s dumb.”

This made Dean smile.

“Thanks, Mama,” he said.

Turned out, there was no need to talk to Daddy.

Dean came to the table that night, eyes downcast. Lily knew immediately that that it had something to do with Kala, but she opted to try and wait and let Dean explain when he was ready. Sure enough he just picked at his dinner, a heaping plate of grilled chicken, grilled zucchini and yellow squash, roasted potatoes, and salad, a meal that Dean normally would’ve probably had three helpings of. He didn’t even look at the meringues and fresh strawberries his mother laid out. Finally, Lily couldn’t take it anymore.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” She placed a gentle hand on Dean’s shoulder, but he jerked away. 

“You were right. Her parents said no. They didn’t just say no, they pretty much said HELL NO. I told you it was dumb,” Dean jumped up and stormed out of the house and down the beach. Lily and Tony exchanged a glance. It looked like the teenage girl drama was in full swing.

 

_______________________________________

 

It ended up being Roman who followed Dean to the dock. His younger brother was sitting at the edge, angrily breaking a stick into pieces and throwing it into the water. Roman looked him over.

Dean’s blue eyes were a mask of anger and sadness and Roman sighed.

“I keep feeling like I want to ask you if you’re okay, and then I stop myself because what a dumb question,” Roman began, sitting down beside Dean and hanging his own feet off the edge of the dock.

“Mama says there are no dumb questions, but I think you’re right on this one,” Dean replied moodily.

“Dean, what did you think was going to happen?” Roman had to ask.

“Did you really think that Kala was going to just appear on our doorstep?”

Dean sighed.

“No,” he admitted. “I mean she said she’d ask. ‘Cuz she says she misses me too. But I guess I knew all along it wouldn’t work. I just...I’m kind of jealous of you and Seth right now.”

“Kind of?”

“Okay...a lot. Okay? I’m a lot jealous. Feel better?” Dean snapped.

“Not at all. Does being mean to me make YOU feel better?” Roman retorted. Dean’s face immediately softened.

“No. I’m sorry,” he whispered. Roman wrapped his arm around Dean’s shoulders.

“It’s okay, you know?” Roman murmured, but Dean shook his head.

“Maybe for you,” Dean replied. “There was never any doubt that you’d have a girlfriend first, because you’re the oldest and you’re practically Adonis. But Seth...Seth can’t even talk to strangers, but he can get a girlfriend? Why can’t Megan and Katie have a sister?”

Roman smiled at this.

“Because that’s just not how it happened,” he told his brother. “But it’s okay; even if they did, there’s no guarantee she’d be the right person for you. Are there any girls at school that you’d like to ask out?”

“I...I don’t know...maybe,” Dean looked down at his feet, a small smile on his lips, and Roman decided some light teasing was in order.

“Oh? Dean’s got a crush? And you didn’t share this with your big brother? I’m hurt! Who is she?”

“Well...I had a few classes last year with Kelsey Claremore…”

“Kelsey’s kind of cool,” Roman said. “I mean I don’t really know her but I know who she is. Isn’t she into drama?”

“Yeah...think I should do drama when school starts? See if I can get her to notice me?”

“I think you should do drama if you want to do drama. You’d definitely be good at it. And I think if you want Kelsey to notice you, you should go up to her and say hi. Believe me, it’s much faster.”

“You think I’d be good at drama?” Dean seemed surprised at this.

“I think you’re definitely the most dramatic person I know,” Roman replied and he gently punched Dean’s shoulder. “Just...remember if she says no, that doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you, okay? Her loss.”

“Allison Appleton is really pretty,” Dean said.

“Allison? She’s okay,” Roman looked at his brother quizzically. “But I think she’s dating Eddie Boyer.” Eddie was going to be a Senior like Roman, and he was also on the football team. 

“The only reason you think she’s just okay is because you only have eyes for Megan,” Dean told his brother. “She’s a goddess. But I didn’t know she was dating Eddie.”

“I think they only just started dating right before school was out,” Roman said. “How about Shaila Salazar?”

“Shaila isn’t my type at all,” Dean retorted.

“What exactly is your type,” Roman wondered. 

“I don’t know. But not Shaila.”

They kept up discussing girls for awhile until Dean was clearly feeling better, and then they went back to the house. When they got there they found Lily and Seth reading in the living room and Tony marinating steaks for the next night’s dinner.

“You doing okay, guys?” Their father asked them, looking up from his meat.

“Yeah. We’re fine,” Roman replied. 

“Good.”

The rest of the Galveston trip was so much fun. They loved it when their father was there and they had a blast when the Laird’s came out. One day they ventured to Corpus Christi and went to the aquarium, and Roman loved watching Megan watch the animals. She laughed at the otters, she made faces at the manatees, and she talked quietly to a dolphin that swam over near where they were standing. Roman put his arms around her so that his palms were pressed against the backs of her hands. He loved that Megan was the perfect height for him to rest his chin on top of her head.

“They’re beautiful, aren’t they?” Roman asked her softly.

“Yes. But they belong in the wild,” Megan replied sadly. 

“I know. But this one---see that sign? She was injured by a boat and might not be able to survive in the wild anymore.”

“Yeah...I get it,” Megan answered. She sighed softly.

“Roman?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Roman froze; they hadn’t really exchanged I love you’s yet, but he knew he wanted to say it back and he did.

“I love you too, Megan,” he murmured, and then they kissed.

Kissing Megan was an activity that Roman thoroughly enjoyed, and Megan seemed to like it as well. Having never kissed anyone else, he really had nothing to compare it with, but Megan had had two boyfriends before him and she assured him that he was, in fact, an excellent kisser. The problem with it was that it often left him wanting more, even though they both agreed that they wanted to wait to have sex. Not necessarily for marriage, just until they both felt they could handle the ramifications that could occur. Having been born to a mother who wanted no part of him, Roman understood the importance of being ready for children, and Megan readily agreed.

It was a nice agreement, actually, because it definitely took away the pressure of when their first time would be. But sometimes it was still hard, when his body started trying to take over his brain. He was a 17 year old boy, after all. It was definitely not true that that was all teenage boys thought about, but he’d be lying if he said he never did, either.

The next month, after the family was home from the coast, the boys and their mother went on another road trip. This time, they were touring college campuses. And while it was mainly for Roman’s benefit, he knew that Seth and Dean were looking closely as well. Or at least Seth was. Dean, Roman figured, would go wherever he could get a scholarship, if he went at all. He hadn’t, as far as his brother knew, even given it any thought. 

Roman, on the other hand, thought of almost nothing else.

He didn’t know what he wanted to do. He knew he wanted to play college football, and he thought he was probably good enough to get some sort of scholarship, but Roman just wasn’t sold on leaving home. Being far away from his family wasn’t even remotely appealing, and he hated the thought of being away from Megan. And sure, Roman could go to someplace close, and maybe even get an academic scholarship, and even if he didn’t, he had been told more than once by his parents that there was money for college. It just seemed to him that if a school gave him a huge chunk of money to play ball, then that was the responsible choice. 

It made his heart speed up though, and caused a lump to form in his throat when he thought about it. 

So they went on the trip. First they drove out to Waco to visit Baylor. Roman was pretty psyched, because his mother had recently gotten a brand new Highlander, and she had promised to let him drive it. When they arrived, they checked into their hotel and their mother took them out to dinner at a local Mexican place that the woman behind the counter had raved over.

Roman had to admit, the food was fairly amazing, and the queso was top notch. Dean, as per usual, managed to get it all over his face, which made their mother laugh. 

The next day, they went to Baylor. 

It was...big.

Really big.

Roman knew immediately upon stepping out of the car that there was no way he could go to a school this huge, but they had an appointment to talk to the athletics director and tour the dorms. He was pretty sure if he told his mother that he didn’t want to do it, she wouldn’t make him, but damn if there wasn’t that responsibility again.

Truthfully, it wasn’t too bad. The campus was still enormous, but the dude in athletics was really funny. He took them to the cafeteria, which even in July, was busy and serving all kinds of food. And it was pretty good. The dorm setup wasn’t too bad, either; instead of having community showers and toilets, this place had what were basically apartments. Six people could live in one unit, and each unit had a bathroom with a shower, plus an extra half bath with a toilet and sink. That could work.

But it was still just...huge.

They went out to the Dallas area next and stayed several days because their mother had a thing for Northpark Mall and also, because TCU was in Fort Worth and the University of North Texas was in Denton. Roman wasn’t too sure about a Christian university, but he was immediately drawn to UNT. It was a lot smaller than any of the other schools they were going to see, and 4 hours from home was way more manageable to him than the 11 hour drive to and from El Paso. It still seemed way too far, but then again, the name of the team was the Mean Green, and that sounded kind of cool.

The rest of the trip flew by. They went to Lubbock to see Texas Tech, Austin to see the University of Texas, and College Station to see Texas A&M. And they were all nice campuses, but after each one, Roman felt his heart grow heavier. His mother could tell something was bothering him, and he wouldn’t have put it past her to know exactly what it was, but she waited for him to open up. And on the last night in Austin, while Dean and Seth gleefully splashed each other in the hotel pool, Roman did just that.

“I don’t want to go away for school,” he whispered, not quite able to say it out loud. Lily wrapped an arm around his waist.

“You don’t?” Roman thought his mother didn’t sound too surprised.

“No...I’m pretty sure I don’t,” he answered, fully expecting her to be disappointed; why on Earth had he let her drag them all over the state for no reason at all. Instead, when he finally forced himself to look at her face, there was only love in her eyes.

“Roman...Ro...listen,” she took his hand and squeezed it. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to decide today.”

“No, I...I know I don’t,” he muttered softly. “I just...the truth is, I’ve been thinking about this for awhile and I just...Mom...I don’t know if I can.”

“It’s scary, isn’t it,” Lily said quietly, hugging him a little closer.

Roman nodded.

“I know. It scared me too,” she swayed him a little back and forth. 

“It did?” This news did surprise him a little.

“Oh God yes. I mean, I’d been away from home before but not like that. And honestly, the first few weeks...they sucked. I missed my parents. I really missed my brothers. I...yeah. I wasn’t sure I could do it either. But I did. And ultimately, I loved college. And that’s where I met your dad. And maybe you’ll decide to try it and maybe you’ll love it. Or maybe you’ll decide to go to the University of Houston and live at home until you’ve got a steady job. Or maybe you’ll decide not to go to college at all and start a zydeco band. Roman...I love you. I want you to make the best choice for you. It’s your life, kiddo. We’re going to stand by your decision.”

Roman felt like he deflated; he knew all of this deep down, but it sure did feel good to hear his mother say it out loud. With a sigh, he leaned against her and she kissed his cheek.

“Don’t stress, baby,” she whispered. “You’ve always been the responsible one and I love that about you, but the right thing is going to happen and you don’t have to know yet exactly what that is. Just...just relax. Okay?”

“Okay,” Roman nodded. “But Mom? Really? A zydeco band?”

They laughed together then, and Roman realized that his mother was right. It was his choice, he had time, and no matter what, his decision would be a good one.


	72. Pukapalooza 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is just really sick.

Lily had promised Seth he could drive on the way home, because he hadn’t had much practice driving on the highway. He felt considerably better about driving the Highlander, having done so many times since he got his license; with three drivers still perfecting the craft, Lily and Tony rarely drove themselves anywhere anymore.

So Lily got them out of Austin and they stopped at a tiny roadside diner off the Interstate for breakfast, where they ordered omelets that were loaded with meat.

Apparently, this was a colossal mistake.

After Lily tossed Seth the keys, she sat in the back with Dean and let Roman sit up front. Seth was thankful for this; he was over his jitters about driving with his mom and dad, but having his oldest brother there to talk him through this new learning experience was hardly a bad thing. Occasionally he’d catch Mom’s or Dean’s eye in the rearview mirror. Mama would usually smile at him. Dean looked...well, not so hot.

His face was sweat-damp, his eyes watery, and he was breathing funny. 

“Dean?” Seth questioned, trying to keep his eyes on the road but nervous about how icky his brother looked; was his driving making Dean carsick?

Luckily, Seth’s question got Lily’s attention, and she reached out and rubbed Dean’s shoulder.

“You okay?” Mama asked him.

“Fine. I’m fine,” Dean muttered. But he didn’t look too fine to Seth. 

It seemed he didn’t look too fine to Lily either, because after a few moments of scrutiny, she reached for him.

“Come here,” she soothed. “Lay your head on my lap, sweetie. You look awful.”

For awhile it seemed like that did the trick. Dean laid his head on their mother’s lap and she worked her fingers through his hair. He appeared to be asleep. But then Seth heard him groan.

A moment later, he heard his mother’s voice.

“Pull over, bub,” Lily sounded urgent. 

Seth wasn’t exactly sure what to do. He knew he needed to slow down first, slowly because he was going pretty fast, but his brother’s pained moans and his mother’s voice told him he didn’t have time for slowly. He couldn’t just stop. He needed to signal. He needed to look over his right shoulder. He needed---

“You’re okay,” Roman’s voice came, calm and reassuring. Seth glanced over at him, relieved to see there was absolutely no hint of panic on his face and that he was looking back.

“There’s nobody coming. Change lanes as you hit the brakes,” Seth was so glad that Roman was there. He managed then to get the Highlander onto the shoulder. He didn’t even manage to get it in park before Dean was frantically crawling over their mother and out the door, violently vomiting as he went.

“Oh---oh, sweetie,” Mama was out after him as quick as she could be. Seth looked over at Roman.

“Was I---did I make him sick?” Roman shook his head.

“You did just fine, bro. I don’t know. Dean’s never gotten carsick before, but I doubt it was you. Don’t worry about it. Put your emergency flashers on.”

Seth followed his brother’s instructions and then got out and went around to the passenger side. Dean was on his hands and knees on the concrete, a nasty puddle of puke growing under him. Lily was trying to coax Dean farther to the side of the road, cajoling him gently.

“Come on, sweetie. I know. Come on,” her voice was soft but firm, and Seth realized that with cars whizzing past, this wasn’t terribly safe. They were still almost three hours from Houston. There was nothing nearby. He had no idea what they were going to do. 

Luckily, Lily seemed to. 

“Roman, get me a pair of his shorts out okay? Or yours or Seth’s, if his bag is buried. See if you can find an empty plastic bag. Seth, I want you to look on the GPS and see how far we are from the next place we can really stop. A convenience store would be best. C’mere, sweetie. Let’s get you out of this shirt.”

There was simply no salvaging Dean’s clothes. It was by some miracle that there was no vomit in the car. The smell was so horrible that it made Seth’s eyes water, and he was relieved when his mother made the decision to just leave Dean’s t-shirt and shorts by the side of the road. Dean started a weak protest, but Lily shushed him.

“I’ll buy you new ones. You don’t wanna have to smell that all the way home. You still okay to drive, bub?” Seth nodded, and eventually, Lily helped Dean, now clad in clean basketball shorts, back into the Highlander. 

“Where’s the closest stop, Seth?” Lily asked him, as she tried to position Dean across her lap. 

“Umm...about 20 minutes east,” Seth answered. “But it looks like it’s a Buc-ee’s. They have everything.” 

Under Roman’s guidance, Seth was able to get the Highlander back onto the Interstate and they made it to the convenience store in no time at all, which was good because no time was exactly what they had. Dean had started to whimper again, and Lily was clearly doing her best to keep him quiet in the hopes that he could hold off on throwing up anymore until they stopped. They barely made it.

Dean heaved so hard his ribs were visible once he was safely on the grass. Lily looked pained, but she stepped away to give him a little privacy and called Roman and Seth over. 

“Okay. I need you guys to get my wallet and get out whatever cash is in there. We need a few things. Put this in your phone. Grab a case of water, some Dramamine, some---like baby wipes or something like that. Anything you can find that even resembles a towel, get a few. Paper towels if that’s all they have. Hand sanitizer. Oh, and the biggest ziploc bags they have and...if there’s anything like a plastic trash can or bucket. And paper lunch bags if there are any. And if you guys want anything to drink, go for it. And get me a huge Pepsi. Oh, and a couple of liters of Aquafina from the refrigerator case. And some Dixie cups or something like that.”

Roman was rapidly typing all of this into his phone while Seth found his mother’s purse.

When they came out with some version of everything their mother asked for, Seth took a good look at Dean. He looked horrible. Tears, sweat, and snot were pouring off of his face and pooling on his bare chest. His hair was soaked. Their mother had gotten him up into a sitting position, leaning against the wheel of the Highlander. As soon as she saw Roman and Seth, she reached for the case of bottled water and pulled one out, then opened it and leaned Dean forward and poured it over the back of his neck. She instructed Seth to get into the trunk and find another pair of shorts, because now the ones Dean had been wearing were drenched in water. 

There hadn’t been any towels but there HAD been several t-shirts on clearance for $2 apiece, so Roman and Seth had grabbed as many as they could carry. While Seth dug through the luggage in the trunk, Roman went to work gently drying their brother off with one of the shirts while Lily poured some of the cold water into a small cup and dug two Dramamine out of the bottle.

“I want you to take these, sweetie,” Lily soothed Dean gently. His hands shook as he accepted the cup. 

Roman looked dubious.

“Mom---” he began. “It’s a long way back to Houston…”

“I know,” their mother sat down beside Dean, draped another t-shirt over her shoulder, and then wrapped her arm around him so he could lean on her. 

“Do you think he can make it?” Roman continued to question. Now their mother just looked cross.

“What do you want me to do, Ro? Leave him here?” Roman looked at her, clearly hurt at this insinuation.

“No,” he replied softly. “I just meant maybe we should find a place to stay tonight so Dean can rest and then keep going tomorrow.”

Lily softened.

“Roman, I’m sorry,” she murmured as she smoothed Dean’s hair back from his forehead. “I...that wasn’t right of me.”

“It’s okay,” Roman replied. “I know you’re worried.”

Lily did look worried, and this whole time, Dean had not spoken a single word. He was practically laying on their mom, eyes just staring as he breathed slowly. Lily looked down at him, then up at Roman and Seth. 

“I think the Dramamine will hopefully help with the nausea and make him sleepy. We need to try and get home, guys. If he gets worse we’ll stop but there’s nothing out here---no place to stop right now anyway. So for now, I want to just keep going.”

The boys nodded, and Roman helped Dean to his feet and back into the Highlander. Lily settled him with his upper body draped over her lap, a third t-shirt now doused in water and folded up on Dean’s forehead. Seth and Roman got in too, but Seth passed the keys to Roman then. He didn’t feel like driving anymore.

They made it an hour and a half before Dean vomited again, and this time, Lily was prepared. She sat him up swiftly and held a bag over his mouth, which caught everything. All they had to do was pull over long enough to throw it in the trash. But that’s when Seth noticed something.

Roman was sweating bullets. And his eyes were glazed. And he looked pale. And...dammit.

“You okay?” Seth asked him. 

At first, he nodded. He sat in the driver’s seat, engine idling, but he didn’t put the Highlander in drive. He inhaled sharply. Then he inhaled again. And then he shook his head. Lily passed him a bag just in time.

Now with both Roman and Dean puking their guts up, Seth knew he had to step it up and get everyone home safely. Mom gave Roman some Dramamine and water and tucked him into the passenger seat with extra bags just in case, then crawled back in with Dean, who was now curled in the fetal position on the back seat. 

As he drove, he began to realize that his stomach was rolling over. At first he thought it was just nerves. But as they got closer to Houston, he knew. He tried valiantly to fight it, but he just knew. He had never been so happy to see his driveway, and as soon as he got the Highlander safely a stop, he leaped out, bolted to the grass, and puked himself. Every bite of his breakfast was all over the ground. Lily could only watch helplessly from the back seat, trying to disengage herself from Dean. 

Roman took one look at Seth throwing up and flung himself out of the car and started throwing up himself on the other side. Seth could hear it, and that only made him puke more. He was so busy emptying the contents of his stomach that he didn’t even notice that Dean was getting sick again too. And that their mother was now out of the Highlander and looking from kid to kid to kid.

“Son of a BITCH!” Lily shrieked.

 

______________________________________________

 

When Tony got home that night, he was so excited; he hadn’t seen his sons or his wife in two weeks and he was desperately looking forward to some family time. As he walked into the laundry room from the garage, his nostrils were assaulted by a putrid, unrecognizable aroma that seemed to be coming from a laundry basket sitting by the washer. 

Ugh...the kids must have gone for a run, he thought. If only he knew…

As he stepped into the kitchen, he found Lily standing at the sink with her back to him. She didn’t seem to have heard him come in. In fact, she was kind of leaning on her elbows over it. 

Odd, Tony thought. She must be exhausted. If only he knew…

He snuck up on her and spun her around, fully intending to lay a kiss on her that would make a hooker blush, but before he could, his wife leaned forward and vomited all over his shoes.

“Food poisoning...Dean...Roman...Seth...I can’t…” Lily moaned. And then she threw up again.

Once Tony had removed his shoes (that were going to have to be replaced; there was no doubt about THAT), he scooped Lily into his arms and put her in the bathtub and filled it up with warm, soapy water.

“Where are the boys, Lu?” Tony asked her gently; she was so miserable she didn’t seem to be altogether there.

“Bedrooms,” she moaned. 

“Okay. You soak and relax. I’ll take care of it.” 

He had no idea what he was in for.

Tony made it to Roman’s room first, and as he stepped in, the first thing he noticed was the smell. It hit him then that the contents of the laundry basket he had passed by earlier were not sweaty clothes. He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them and flipping on the bedroom light.

It looked like a warzone. A warzone where vomit was the weapon of choice. It was everywhere; all over the carpet, all over the bed, all over Roman himself. In his hair, on his chin, running down his clothes...Tony bit back a gag. 

“Son?” 

“Dad…” Roman moaned. “Sick…”

He was curled up in the middle of the nasty, sticky mess and Tony felt a pang. The poor kid...how long had he laid there like this?

“Mama?” Roman whimpered.

“It’s okay. She’s sick too. She’s in the bathtub. Come on, buddy. You need a shower. Do you happen to know if Dean and Seth are this sick too?”

Roman shook his head, but Tony wasn’t sure if that meant they weren’t sick or that Roman didn’t know. Deciding to proceed with caution, he sat Roman in the shower and started the water, letting it cascade over the boy. 

“Ohhhh...feels good….” Roman moaned.

“Good. You’re burning up. Just sit here and relax a minute. I need to see about your brothers.” 

Dean’s room uncovered a much more manageable scene; he’d thrown up, but managed to get it into the trash can beside his bed. He seemed to be asleep; when Tony brushed his hair back, he didn’t even stir. So he made an executive decision---leave Dean for now and get to Seth. 

And boy, did he regret it.

His poor youngest son was literally laying in a pool of his own vomit, and he appeared too weak to even hold his head up.

“Seth?” Tony approached him gently.

“Daddy?” Seth didn’t open his eyes but he could clearly hear his dad. 

“Oh, buddy,” he murmured. “Can you get up?”

“I don’t know,” Seth moaned. “Daddy, I need---I’m gonna---”

Tony grabbed the trashcan just in time.

Seth seemed to throw up forever. It was violent and awful, and tears poured from his eyes by the time he was done. Tony awkwardly patted his back.

“It’s okay, bud. Get it up,” he quietly coached his youngest. When he finally finished Tony didn’t even bother trying to get Seth to stand. He just picked him up and carried him into the bathroom and deposited him into the tub beside Roman. Then he went back for Dean, who was still asleep. He didn’t seem to have vomit on him anywhere, so Tony figured it was okay to move him. He decided that he’d put him in his bedroom for now. Having them all in different rooms wasn’t going to work. He needed an attack plan, he needed a central location, and he needed to do some recon. He could do this. 

Once Dean was settled on Lily’s side of the bed with a clean, empty trash can on the floor beside him, Tony returned to Lily. She was dozing fitfully, but she woke up when she felt him lift her up.

“My babies…” she whispered.

“I know. I’m gonna take care of this. Let’s get you dried and dressed.”

Before long, Lily was snuggled up next to Dean in the bed, and then Tony returned to Roman and Seth. One of them had thrown up again, but neither of them seemed to really know who, and ultimately, Tony figured, it didn’t really matter. He stripped each of them down to their boxers, left their other clothes in the shower for now, and one at a time, brought them into his own bathroom. Central location had been established.

Recon seemed to be the next obvious choice, so while Roman and Seth soaked in the tub, and after checking on Lily and Dean, Tony went back into the boys’ bedrooms in search of all of the clean, comfortable clothes he could find. He deposited them onto the chaise, peeked in on the boys in the tub, and then ran out to the kitchen.

He poured all of the ice in the freezer into a pitcher, then loaded a grocery bag with bottles of water and cups, straws, and a box of crackers. Tony returned to his family, relieved to find Lily and Dean still sound asleep. Then he returned to Roman and Seth. They both were relaxing in the tub, neither too keen to move, so he took advantage of the situation and washed Roman’s hair, then Seth’s. Then he tied it into tight buns, so it would be out of the way just in case. About that time, Seth gagged suddenly, but Tony managed to get him over the toilet before he actually threw up. 

“I’m sorry, Daddy,” Seth moaned as he wretched over and over.

“Shhhh, no. No apologies, buddy. We all get sick,” Tony tried to comfort his boy. He patted Seth’s back and shoulders. Finally the awful heaving stopped. Tony brought Seth some water to rinse his mouth and then he heard his son whimper,

“I think it was the eggs.” With a groan, Seth flopped against Tony.

Tony scooped him up and carried him to the bed, where Lily was now semi-awake, but both she and Dean still appeared to be okay. 

“Here, Lu. I’ve got a bub for you,” he said, gently laying Seth beside her.

“Aww....a bub? I love my bub,” Lily murmured thickly. She weakly rested an arm over Seth, who cozied right up and sighed. Satisfied that his wife and two youngest were in safe enough shape, Tony went back for Roman. The boy was now shivering in the tub, so his father helped him out. 

It wasn’t long before Tony’s bed was full and that was just fine with him. Dean was snoring on one side, Seth and Lily were sound asleep cuddled in the middle, and Roman stretched out on the other side, exhausted but awake. Tony offered him a bit of water.

“This is horrible,” he mumbled.

“I know,” Tony swept his hand over Roman’s forehead. “Good thing it’s temporary huh?”

Roman nodded, then moaned.

“Head is killing me,” he breathed. Tony found some Tylenol and offered Roman a couple. 

Tony had been in a fraternity in college, and he still had never seen as much vomit as he did over the next day and a half. Luckily Lily got past the nausea fairly quickly, although it was a few days before she had her strength back. It was okay though; she had plenty of energy to cuddle, kiss, and love on the boys when they succumbed to their illness, when the fevers spiked, or when they just needed to whine miserably. Tony had always loved watching the way Lily interacted with the kids, and he also loved they way they always accepted it, no matter how old they got. 

It was a long week, but they all made it through. The boys camped out in their parents’ room the whole time. More than once, Tony and Lily retired to the chaise together and let Roman, Dean, and Seth sleep in a pile in the bed. Often, Tony would return after starting yet another load of laundry to find Lily asleep with Roman snoozing on one shoulder, Dean snoring on the other, and Seth curled up between her legs, nestled safely with his head on her stomach. They all started eating again, too, but it would be months before ANY of them could even so much as look at an egg.


	73. Someday Is My Favorite Day

It had been nearly a year, and it was about to happen. 

It was not happening without great fanfare, either.

Roman was about to step onto the football field and play in his first game since the accident. He was elated.

In June Dr. Gartland had confirmed that it was okay for Roman to return to football with no restrictions, and Roman had been thrilled. He so loved to play. He loved to share tips with other players. He loved the roar of the crowd as they filed in, ready to cheer their Colts to victory. 

So incredible.

What made it that much better was that his parents, brothers, and girlfriend were sitting in the front row. Rarely did they sit that close; Lily had always claimed that she could see better about halfway up. Roman suspected that they were sitting there now because she and Megan wanted to be as close as possible just in case. That was totally okay with him, though.

It was amazing. It felt so good to be part of the team again. It felt good to suit up, to sweat, to run, to lift---all of it. Roman so loved playing football, even though by now, he was 100% sure that he no longer wanted to play pro ball.

He’d given it a lot of thought, actually, ever since the college visit trip that had ended in doom. He had also discussed it with his parent at length. Roman had made his decision one night when the family was lounging around the pool after they’d cooked out. Roman was lying in a chair next to Lily while Dean and Seth were in the water smacking each other with pool noodles. Lily gazed at them fondly.

“Sixteen years old and still acting like little kids whenever they get the chance,” she commented and Roman laughed.

“Mom?” He knew he needed to tell her what was on his mind.

“Yeah kiddo?” Lily seemed to be waiting for it.

“Look...school starts next week,” Roman began and his mother had smiled at him again.

“I know. Your Senior year. Roman, I just...I can’t believe how far you’ve come. I remember the first time you and I sat by this pool. Do you?”

“Yeah,” he sighed happily. “You were telling me how to swim.”

“And you were terrified,” Lily smiled again.

“But then you held my hand,” he whispered.

“And you just took off like a fish,” she finished.

“You’ve always been there for me,” Roman said. “You and Dad. I’ve never had to be afraid to learn anything new because I’ve never had to do it alone.”

“Oh, child,” his mother said. “You’ve held my hand the whole way too. You know, you didn’t come with instructions and we have not been perfect parents, but you turned out damn good. I think the three of us have done just fine.”

“Maybe not the perfect parents, but you’re the perfect parents for me,” Roman told her. “Dean and Seth, too.”

“Well, you guys were exactly what we always wanted. And here you are, about to decide on college. I’m so proud of you.”

Roman had reached for his mother then, and she had hugged him while he rested his head on her chest. His dad came out, with a tray of cold tropical non-alcoholic drinks. But Roman didn’t move from his mother’s embrace.

“Mommy? Dad? I---I really appreciate that you took me to look at schools,” Roman began. “It was a really fun trip, before we all got sick, and it was really helpful because...because they were great. They really were. But...what I really, really want to do is apply at the University of Houston. I want to play football in college, but I don’t think I want to play pro anymore. In fact I know I don’t.”

He untangled himself from his mother, sat up, and took the drink his dad offered him.

“What do you think you do want to do?” Tony asked him quietly.

Roman glanced out at the pool for a moment. Dean and Seth had abandoned their pool noodles and were now trying to play Marco Polo. However, with only two people, it wasn’t working out too well.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about that, and I haven’t decided for sure, but I think I either want to get my teaching degree and then teach high school and coach, or I want to get a degree in psychology and become a social worker or a teen counselor.”

“Yeah? You’d be great at any of those things,” Lily told him. “What do you think you’d like to teach?”

Roman smiled broadly.

“Anything except history.”

His parents laughed at this. Roman continued.

“I’ll apply at more than one school. Apply for scholarships and stuff. And like I said, I do want to play football in college. I just...I’ll enjoy it more if the pro pressure is off. And if I end up getting a really good offer and Houston is too expensive---”

But Tony interrupted him.

“No. You’re going where you WANT to go, where you feel as though you belong, son. There is money for your college education; we’ve saved for all three of you. If Houston is where you want to go, then that’s where you should go. If you somehow don’t get a scholarship, we’ll help you. That was always the plan. Even if we hadn’t been able to adopt you, we have always intended to help you with your future. Besides. Mom and I both went to Houston. I think we can pull some strings.”

Roman grinned again.

“I know. That’s the other part of my motivation. I wanna be a Cougar. Just like my Mom and Dad.” 

Tony gently punched Roman’s shoulder. “That’s my boy,” he said. 

Roman looked over at his brothers again. Dean was now trying to wrestle Seth under the water. Roman stood up.

“Besides. I can’t leave these two dorks. They need me,” he said, and then he jumped into the pool and went off to Seth’s rescue. 

Back in the here and now, Roman felt light as a feather. He knew damn well that there were scouts in the stands but he also knew that he didn’t have to impress anyone. His plan was set. And that knowledge caused him to play possibly the best game of his life that night. Coach Tarango, who had already welcomed him back with open arms anyway, went on and on about how happy he was that Roman was there, and the Colts won the game with an astounding score of 66-13. It felt great.

The best part, though, was that after the game, he was FINALLY able to take Megan to Fifth Quarter. They went with his brothers and her sister, although Dean had complained quite loudly at first about having to be the third wheel.

“And you CAN’T make me dance,” he had added.

At least half the kids there weren’t dancing, though, and pretty soon, Roman noticed that his middle brother was off in a corner flirting shamelessly with Kelsey Claremore.

Good, Roman thought. Hope he gets some confidence tonight.

Meanwhile, Seth and Katie were sitting at a table sipping sodas and talking animatedly. Soon as he knew they were both set, he pulled Megan out to the dance floor.

“Roman---I can’t dance,” she began to protest, but he just laughed.

“Me neither. That’s the beauty of it!” 

And they danced terribly together before a slow song came on. Roman pulled Megan close, and she rested her head on his shoulder.

“I love you,” he murmured.

“I love you, too,” she said back. “I’m proud of you. You were incredible tonight.”

Roman knew he was blushing.

“Thanks,” he said. 

“I’m serious. You really were. Hey...Roman?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you...ever think about the future?”

Roman smiled.

“All the time. I mean I know we have time for all of that, but we have been together for almost a year now, so I hardly think it’s too soon to think about it. Do you?”

“Are you crazy? I think about it all the time too. I think about getting married after college and travelling, and then once we’ve done everything else we want to do, having a baby or two. You know, years and years from now…”

“You want to have my baby?” This thought made Roman kind of tingly.

“Like I said...someday,” Megan whispered back.

“Someday is good. Someday is my favorite day ever,” Roman murmured, holding Megan tighter.

 

_________________________________________

 

Several weeks after the flirting at Fifth Quarter, Dean asked Kelsey Claremore out on a date, and she said yes. 

They went to Dave & Buster’s, because while it was hardly romantic, romantic wasn’t really what Dean was going for at that point anyway. He’d calmed down about being the only Girardi brother not in a relationship. Instead, he opted to just be happy. Happy for Megan and Roman, because they were so obviously in love. Happy for Seth and Katie, because while they weren’t in love, Seth did seem to be having fun. He’d come home after a date and immediately come to Dean’s room to go over all of the details. Not bragging, either, definitely not bragging; it was more like Seth could just hardly believe that he had a girlfriend and he needed Dean to affirm that it had all really happened.

Dean found he truly didn’t mind.

After all, he was proud of Seth. Dating was something he had always dreaded. And now he was doing it and he seemed to be doing it fairly well. 

And Dean, was too. 

Kelsey was a lot of fun; Dean really enjoyed it when they hung out. But Kelsey was a partier, something Dean was just not into. So after a couple of dates, they agreed that they could still go out sometimes, but neither of them minded the other seeing other people either. It was freeing in a way, and it was really cool to have a girl as a legit friend. 

It wasn’t long before Dean met Jessie.

Jessie Covian was a fellow Junior and she started at Creek Ridge High after the year began. It was the end of September the first time Dean laid eyes on her, and he couldn’t believe what he saw.

The girl was gorgeous.

She had long, brown hair that curled loosely at the ends. She was tall, maybe as tall as Lily, but not so tall that she was taller than Dean. She was thin but not scrawny, more athletic than anything, and at the moment, she was fumbling with the lock on her locker.

Dean decided right then and there that he wanted to get to know her. So he did the only thing he could think of.

He approached her.

“Need help with that?” He questioned, putting on his best smile but trying to stay respectful, because suddenly, he had absolutely no desire to flirt. He just wanted to say hi. 

The girl eyed him quizzically, with the most incredible emerald green eyes Dean had ever seen. Then she returned to her task.

“I think it’s stuck,” she said simply.

“Here,” Dean reached for the lock and she moved over, shifting the weight of her backpack. Dean gave the lock a jiggle, which did nothing at all to help. So much for being the knight in shining armor. He couldn’t get it open either. Undeterred, he flashed her another smile.

“I’m Dean, by the way,” he said, jiggling the lock again. His heart flopped a little when she smiled back.

“Jessie,” she said.

“Well, Jessie,” Dean said, “I’m afraid I can’t get this open. It feels kind of funny; I think it may be broken. Want me to show you where we can find a custodian to fix it?”

Jessie nodded.

“That sounds good...Dean,” she replied. 

They talked every single day after that. He loved every moment of that. Their first date was at Olive Garden. Dean was twitchy beforehand, nervous, but the minute Jessie walked into the restaurant, he’d never felt more calm. They talked for hours, long after the food was gone and the dishes cleared. Dean reveled in how easy it was. He felt no pressure whatsoever. Just a genuine desire to get to know this girl better. 

He learned that Jessie’s father was in the Air Force but was retired now, so they’d moved to Houston because with his military background, he wanted to become a consultant. Dean was thrilled; he understood this.

“Yeah...my Dad’s FBI,” he said. “We’ve only ever lived in Houston though. I mean...I’ve only…”

Here it came. Not at all sure how Jessie would take the adoption thing, but not feeling any desire to hide it, Dean went on.

“They adopted me. My parents, I mean. Two years ago. I was their foster son before that. But I’ve only ever lived in Houston, and I have nothing to compare it to, but I do really like it here. I hope you do too.”

Jessie smiled.

“Well, we’ve lived lots of places,” she told Dean. “But so far I like here. So you’re adopted huh? That’s kind of cool.”

The conversation flowed after that.

The next night Dean asked her to the next home football game and to Fifth Quarter afterwards, and again, Jessie said yes. This, he realized, was beginning to get markedly easier.

The plan was to sit in the stands with Dad, Megan, Seth, and Katie. Lily had done something that she’d never done before---she’d gone on that women’s weekend that she’d talked about for years.

Their mother really was a saint; Dean believed this soundly. She was ALWAYS there for them. And contrary to what some believed, this wasn’t just for Seth’s benefit. He’d made peace with the idea of her not being by his side constantly long ago. Lily said it all the time: most mothers got at least 18 years to take care of their children before they were grown. She got less than half that. With Dean and Seth, she barely got a THIRD of that. So she was determined to spend as much time as possible with them.

The truth was that Tony spent all of his time not working with them as well. It was just that he traveled several times a year for his job. 

However, sainted or not, Mama was ready for this weekend. 

It was more or less a celebration for Cici; a last hurrah of sorts because she was going to have her first baby in a couple of months (due on Dean’s 17th birthday, thankyouverymuch), so a bunch of ladies were off to Dallas for a weekend of spa treatment and baby shopping. 

His mother deserved this, Dean knew, and besides, she’d promised to bring them each a present, so could he really blame her? He’d really wanted to introduce her to Jessie this weekend, but there was plenty of time for that anyway. 

Jessie had not been to a Colts game yet. She said she wasn’t the biggest football fan, but she DID believe in school spirit, and when she realized that Dean’s brother was one of the stars of the team, she was delighted to go. She hadn’t really met Roman yet. Megan, either. They’d met for short times in passing after school, but that was it. She did have a couple of classes with Seth and Katie, and they all got along well, so Dean was pretty excited for the evening. 

When Dean met her at the stadium, she was sporting a huge yellow and black bow made out of duct tape in her long brown hair. It was awesome and ridiculous all at once, and Dean was pretty sure he loved it.

“Where’d you get THAT?” Dean asked her.

“Made it,” Jessie replied happily, linking arms with Dean as they walked in.

So this girl was gorgeous, funny, AND creative? Where had she been all his life?

Normally, he loved hanging out with his brothers and their girlfriends, but right off the bat, it was clear that Megan and Katie were unhappy with each other.

Sibling spat, Dean thought. Happens to us all the time.

As the evening progressed, the mood didn’t get much better. Katie and Megan barely spoke, and Katie didn’t seem to feel much like talking to Seth or anyone else either. The team was playing against another team with a three-year undefeated streak, and while Roman had been a bit nervous, he was also pretty excited to see what his own team could do. Luckily, the Colts were on fire; Roman and Jeremiah both ran about 300 yards each, and Creek Ridge won in what turned out to be a real nail-biter. 

Bonus: Jessie and Tony got along famously. Dean had known they would. They had a lot in common, most notably, sense of humor. They had each other in stitches most of the evening. And when Jessie screamed for Roman louder than anyone else, Dean could see the appreciation in his dad’s eyes. While she was engrossed in the game, Tony caught his eye and gave him a thumbs up. Dean beamed. 

Since Jessie had never been to a game, she had also never before been to a Fifth Quarter, and beforehand, she had confessed to Dean,

“I don’t really dance. Hope that’s okay.”

Dean scoffed.

“Oh, please. I don’t dance either. I mainly go for the food.”

She had laughed.

“Why doesn’t THAT surprise me?” Jessie had said, a fond look on her face.

Turns out, they danced anyway. It wasn’t very coordinated and it probably wasn’t terribly pretty to look at, but neither of them cared. They’d been sitting together at a table watching Megan and Roman dance to Son of a Gun, a song that had been popular about 15 years earlier, but they always played a good mix of music at Fifth Quarter. Dean remembered looking up and seeing Seth sitting alone at another table but just as he was about to suggest they go talk to him, Stay by Rihanna started pouring out of the speakers. Their eyes caught and both lit up. 

Neither of them was necessarily a big Rihanna fan, but among their many admittedly ridiculous conversations was one about how she pronounced her name (“why is it pronounced ree-AHH-na? Anna spells ANN-a, not AH-na”), and Stay was a pretty ballad. It only made sense. Dean lost count of how many times they stomped on each others’ feet. Actually, by the time the song ended, he’d forgotten almost everything, because Jessie’s head was resting against his shoulder. And damn if that wasn’t the best feeling ever.

Immediately after they exited the dance floor, Seth approached them.

“I’m going to take Katie home,” he said. “Will you let Roman and Megan know?”

“Yeah, ‘course,” Dean replied. He’d seen Megan and Roman sneak away towards the end of the song and figured by now they were engaged in a lip lock somewhere. 

“Dude, is Katie okay?”

“I...don’t know,” Seth replied quietly. “She isn’t feeling well. She says she wants to go home and go to bed. So I’m taking her.” Katie had JUST turned 16 and had her license but didn’t have a car yet.

“Okay. You going home after? You could always come back, if you want.”

“I know. That’s okay. I’m kind of tired myself. I’ll probably just go home and maybe work on my history project for awhile.”

Seth and Jessie were both enrolled in Ancient History, and both had a project that wasn’t due for another month, but that would definitely take some work. Dean had been smart; he’d watched Roman suffer through Ancient History and had wisely decided on political science to satisfy his Social Studies elective instead. He had no desire to ever be a politician or lawyer, but the class was still fun, at least so far.

Dean gave his brother a nod.

“Okay. Text me when you get home okay? So I know you got in?”

Seth rolled his eyes.

“Yes, Dean. You know Mama does that same thing right?”

“‘Course I know,” Dean replied. “Who do you think I learned it from?”

Dean and Jessie got another round of sodas and sat back down.

“So...your dad is pretty awesome,” Jessie said suddenly.

“Yeah...he is,” Dean replied proudly. “Both of my parents are pretty amazing. I lucked out the second go round.”

Jessie seemed to sense that this was probably NOT the time to ask him about Shelby and Brad. Instead she smiled.

“Mine are just okay. I mean, I love them and all. They’re good people. But like...I don’t know. They both work all the time, and they’re not really that involved and I don’t...like...I don’t know. The idea was that Dad was going to retire and we’d move here and they’d be more involved and all. But that hasn’t happened yet.”

It gave Dean a small pang. He wasn’t at all sure what to say to that. Luckily, Jessie changed the subject before he had to.

“So...you have any intentions of kissing me yet?”

Dean was floored.

Of course, he’d been thinking about kissing Jessie since the second he saw her, but that wasn’t respectful and he was really keen to wait for the right moment. His face lit up when he looked into her eyes, though. They were gleaming mischievously, and right then he wanted nothing more to lay one on her. Just...not in here.

So he very quickly sent Roman and Megan a text to let them know that Seth and Katie had gone home, and then he took Jessie’s hand and they walked out to his truck.

It was nice out and the stars were beautiful, so Dean unlocked the bed and helped her up into it. Under the stars, he figured, was probably a perfect place for a first kiss. He looked into Jessie’s eyes again, and then he smiled and leaned in.

Their lips touched and it was magic. There was just this chemistry, this feeling...it occurred to Dean then that he was falling for this girl, and that equal parts terrified and excited him. When they broke apart, they shared a quiet smile.

“So I guess...this...I want you to be my girlfriend,” he blurted out, almost shyly but not quite, and Jessie just lit up.

“‘Course I will,” she whispered. “I really like you, Dean.” And then she kissed him back.

They made out for quite awhile. Neither of them even made a move to try anything inappropriate. There was no touching or petting; just gentle kisses and before long Dean found himself with his arms around his girl. Damn, that sounded good inside his head---his girl. Of course, that was about the time his phone started to ring.

It was Roman.  
He decided it could wait and kissed Jessie again. Rome would understand. Except he didn’t. He called Dean a couple more times, and finally sent a seemingly angry text.

_Answer your fucking phone._

Dean groaned.

“Okay. I’m sorry. He’s dropping the f-bomb. I’d better call---” but before he could finish the sentence, Roman was calling again. This time Dean sighed and answered.

“The hell aren’t you answering me?” Roman sounded furious and Dean was taken aback, but before he could even answer, his brother went on.

“I’m meeting Dad at the hospital. You need to come on. Seth’s been in an accident.”

Dean’s heart skipped a beat and then another, and he immediately began to shake and tears burned his eyes.. 

“I gotta go,” he told Jessie, explaining what Roman had said.

“Oh my God---Dean,” she said. “You shouldn’t drive when you’re upset like this. Come on. I’ll take you.”


	74. Heartbroken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got into a really good run overnight; didn't sleep much but this chapter just flowed, and as you know, I don't believe in withholding fine literature (get it?) just because I posted a chapter less than 24 hours ago, so here it is. Also, because it will probably be Thursday or Friday before I can have the next one ready.
> 
> Fair warning: there is a flashback in this chapter that deals with Seth's past rapes and abuse. It's not horribly detailed but just be warned; it's there.

Every time something happened with one of his boys, Tony tended to first get pissed.

It was hard not to, really; he definitely was not mad at THEM, not even a little. It was just that he had to stop and ask himself, really? Haven’t we all been through enough?

Then he would usually pause to remind himself that they were teenage boys, and stuff just HAPPENED with teenage boys (and girls too probably but he had no experience with that). Hell, he had been a teenage boy himself once, and the amount of trouble he’d gotten himself into alone may have trumped what his own boys got up to, and his own parents had 11 sons. So really, he probably should just reckon he got off easy and let it go.

The things that occurred in the Girardi home were hardly unusual, either, with the exception of Dean getting kidnapped but that, Tony knew, was an unfortunate extension of being adopted. Virtually everything else, be it the broken bones, the accidents, the scrapes, the cuts, the skull fracture---okay, maybe he’d never actually done THAT as a teenager, though he’d had plenty of concussions. The rest of it though---Tony had done it all.

He’d never been bitten by a spider, but he’d had Lyme disease twice, the result of his older brothers throwing him into piles of leaves or dragging him through the woods at Central Park, because in the 60’s no one used tick spray or avoided fall leaves.

These were the thoughts that were rolling around his head as he flew down the highway towards the hospital and his youngest son, along with a heart full of worry. The police officer that called him had said that Seth was being taken to the Emergency Room to be assessed because they’d had to cut him out of his car, but he was clear to let Tony know that Seth had been conscious, wide awake, actually, when they loaded him into the ambulance. There was no mention of Katie, which told him that she hadn’t been with Seth when the accident happened. So Tony had high hopes that he would be minimally injured, though he knew damn well that some things didn’t present themselves immediately either.

He wasn’t entirely prepared for what he found when he got there, though.

Tony burst into the ER, which was remarkably packed even for a Friday night in Houston, but luckily they’d taken Seth in immediately upon arriving, so all Tony had to do was tell the nurse at the desk that he was Seth Girardi’s father, and she immediately led him down a hall to a quiet exam room. 

That was his first indication that something wasn’t right, actually.

The doctor who met him in that hall explained that Seth had been brought in and briefly looked over but upon initial examination, appeared to be pretty okay. He had a long, slanted bruise from left shoulder to right hip from his seat belt, the doc explained, but otherwise, he looked like he was in good shape, except---

“The only thing is, your son hasn’t spoken one single word since he got here,” Tony was told.

Yeah, this was definitely wrong.

This was Seth, who hated doctors, hospitals, strangers---pretty much everything that he’d come in contact with was on his list of worst nightmares. He should be screaming. Or crying or at the very least begging for his family. 

“We think he might be in shock,” the doctor concluded. By this point, one of the responding officers had joined them to talk to Tony as well, and he jumped in.

“I’m sure he’s in shock,” the officer said. “You’ve got a lucky kid, Mr. Girardi. That car is a mess. The fact that he made it out alive is it’s own miracle, nevermind that he’s relatively unscathed. I’m no doctor, but I’ve got a son his age and I guarantee you I’ll be hugging him tight when I get home.”

“What happened?” Tony asked quietly, in shock himself just a little at the officer’s confession.

“Seth was driving on the highway and a car crossed the center median. Right now we think the other driver may have fallen asleep at the wheel,” Officer Clarke began. “His vehicle collided with Seth’s and it basically threw Seth right off the road. Witnesses agree that his car rolled 4 or 5 times. I honestly don’t know how he didn’t break his neck. I’ve honestly never seen anything like this, actually. I’ve walked up to wrecks like this one and the last thing I expect to see is a wide eyed kid just waiting for someone to come get him out.”

“He---wasn’t panicking?” Tony asked doubtfully.

“He wasn’t doing anything, sir. Not really. He made eye contact with me immediately. I asked him his name, and he told me, and I asked him if he could breathe and he nodded. I asked him if he could move his hands and feet and he nodded again. I told him my own name and that I was going to stay with him until we got him out. And he said okay. He really didn’t speak above a whisper the whole time. I’m telling you, Mr. Girardi---your son is a miracle.”

But Tony had already know that of course. 

Despite his trepidation, he couldn’t help but feel relieved at this exchange; Seth appeared to be just fine. The doctor let Tony know that they were going to keep him overnight for observation entirely as a precaution because, Tony figured, no one actually believed that nothing was really wrong with the boy. But honestly, it could have been so much worse. 

He called Lily before he went into the room with Seth; he knew she’d completely freak out, but since Seth was apparently doing well, he didn’t want her driving back, at least not in the middle of the night. And after her initial panic, she did agree that if Seth was really okay, she’d wait until morning to drive home, but she made him promise on his life that he would call her if the slightest thing happened.

They seemed to have dodged a huge bullet with this one.

Tony stepped into the room with Seth and was immediately relieved to see a familiar face; the nurse tending to him was Reba Gregory, someone who’d cared for all of the boys at one time or another, but who had always done an exceptional job of relating to Seth. The second thing he noticed, once again, was the silence.

It was eerie. Seth was in a hospital bed. The back had been raised so he was semi-upright, and his shirt was off, and a blanket came up to his waist. He did indeed have a nasty black bruise from shoulder to hip; Tony cringed at the sight. That had to hurt. But the thing that resonated the most was that Seth...didn’t seem to be there.

Well. Of course he was THERE; he was there plain as the nose on Tony’s face, but his mind was definitely somewhere else. His eyes were wide but unseeing. It was creeping Tony out big time.

“Seth?” Tony approached his son slowly. Seth looked at him but he still didn’t speak.

“Hey, buddy,” Tony murmured quietly, still hoping for any kind of reaction. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Seth whispered. Finally, a word.

“Anything hurting a lot?” Tony continued his gentle interrogation.

“No,” Seth’s voice was still barely a whisper. Tony offered him a hand. Seth took it but didn’t squeeze. Tony sighed.

“Seth, it’s okay,” he continued to softly try and talk to his boy. “You’re not in trouble, bub. The police said the accident wasn’t your fault. It’s okay---” and then Seth quietly said five words. The words themselves wouldn’t have been so bad, but the way he said them chilled Tony to the bone.

“She broke up with me.”

This news was not at all what Tony expected to hear, and for a second he had to force himself not to laugh, not because it was funny (it definitely wasn’t) but because he just didn’t know what else to do.

He moved closer to his son. Seth made no response. So Tony gently, carefully, wrapped his arms tightly around him and pulled him close. He expected Seth to cry then, deep, wracking sobs, or maybe even quiet little sniffles, or just SOMETHING to make this whole surreal scene feel more Seth-like. But there was nothing. No tears. No shivers. He didn’t even lean his head against Tony’s shoulder. 

It made sense now.

Seth wasn’t silent because he was badly hurt or completely terrified. 

He was silent because he was heartbroken.

And that was something Tony wasn’t at all sure he knew how to fix.

 

__________________________________________

 

By the time Lily left Dallas at the crack of dawn Saturday, she already knew that her baby was physically fine, and she also knew about the breakup. Tony had told her that there was really no need to come home early, and in truth, she HAD briefly considered staying. She’d spent the night dozing fitfully in between texting Tony ( _how is bub now? How about now?_ ), and she knew that Seth was going to be okay and that it seemed that he just wasn’t ready to be comforted yet. That was okay; stuff like this needed time to sink in sometimes and she had a feeling her son was probably lost in not only grief but confusion. This was the first time that he’d ever put himself out there for a girl; the pain he was feeling would be unfamiliar and numbing. She remembered the first time she’d had her heart broken and it had been 30 years ago.

Lily had ultimately decided she needed to go home not for Seth’s benefit necessarily but for her own; she knew she was unlikely to enjoy herself anymore at this point. Cici had understood. Lily had known she was going to.

“Go,” she said, as she rubbed her belly. “It’ll be my turn soon enough to get my own son out of a mess, and then I’m gonna need your experience.”

As she drove, she thought. Back to the first time she and Tony had actually met their bub…

_Cassie was going to meet them at the hospital, and Lily found herself a bundle of nerves. She wasn’t sure they could do this, and she didn’t like keeping it from Roman and Dean, but then the fact that she didn’t know if they could do it was exactly WHY they were keeping it from Roman and Dean…_

_They were well-versed on everything this child had gone through, and they were horrified. The repeated rapes, the beatings, being tied to a bed, underfed, and more or less catatonic at this point…_

_“I don’t even know if this kiddo can be helped,” Cassie had confided to them when they met to discuss whether or not she and Tony felt like a third child was even an option. “I have to try, though. He’s so precious...wait’ll you see him, guys. This is the nightmare of my job, you know? This is the case that will make me go home and break down…”_

_And Lily understood, because they’d seen a few photos of the boy, and he looked terrible. They had fostered abused children in the past, of course; a high percentage of foster children were removed from the home because of abuse. But neither of them had ever seen anything quite like Seth._

_His entire body was littered with bruises, most of which looked remarkably like fingers. It made Lily inhale sharply; there weren’t many parts of his skin that were flesh-colored anymore. His eyes were only half open in the pics; Cassie had told them that he was sedated at first because at first, he could only scream. They’d been slowly lifting the sedation just to see how Seth would handle it, which Lily knew was the only way. The fear would still be there when the meds were gone no matter how long they waited; awful as it felt, allowing the sweet boy to be afraid was the first step on the road to healing. But he hadn’t had one single visitor except Cassie, and that was the problem. He shouldn’t have to do this alone; alone, he was never going to make it. Lily knew her answer then, but she waited to actually meet the boy first._

_The first thing that Lily noticed when she and Tony walked into Seth’s hospital room that day was something she SHOULD have considered but hadn’t._

_“Why is he being restrained?”_

_“He pulls his IVs out if he isn’t,” Cassie replied. Lily’s heart sank a little. But then she got a good look at the tiny 12-year-old before her._

_And oh GOD, was he tiny. Skinny and frail, he looked more like he was 8 or 9 than 12. Despite his restraints, he was doing his best to curl the rest of his body up and it looked horribly uncomfortable and twisted, but Seth did not seem to care. Nor did he notice immediately that people were in his room, until Lily slowly eased closer to the bed._

_“Hello, Seth,” she greeted him gently, calmly, forcing herself to make eye contact._

_Immediately a low wail slipped out of the trembling child in front of her, but she knew better than to back down just yet. She sat in a chair next to him and continued to speak quietly._

_“My name is Lily,” she murmured. Seth went quiet, but he regarded her with enormous, terrified eyes._

_“My name is Lily,” she repeated. “Cassie brought me to see you. I want to help you, Seth. Seth---that’s such a beautiful name. A strong name for a strong boy…”_

_Seth had been quietly taking her in, shaking like a leaf but silent, until he noticed Tony behind her and that was pretty much all she wrote._

_He took one look at the man in the room and began to scream. He howled and sobbed and a nurse appeared with a vial and a syringe but Tony waved her off as he retreated to the doorway. Seth could still see him, but the message had been sent and received---if you don’t want me to be close to you, I will back away. I do not want to hurt you._

_And Lily knew this action had made it’s intended purpose because as soon as Tony backed up, Seth’s screaming paused. He’d only stopped because he needed to breathe but the second he did, Lily began to heap quiet praise on him._

_“Oh, Seth. Good boy,” she told him softly. “What a good, good boy. That’s right. You’re being such a good boy. See? No one is here to hurt you. That’s my husband, Seth. His name is Tony, and he’s not going to touch you until you say it’s okay. Seth gets to have choices. That’s it. You get to make choices too, Seth. Nobody gets to hurt you anymore. You’re such a good boy.”_

_Seth didn’t relax, but he didn’t scream anymore either, and that was half the battle. After awhile, he pulled on one of his wrist restraints and whined pitifully. It was a test, Lily knew. Would she make him talk? Would she make him give her something in return for his freedom? Was he going to be forced into anything? Would she even listen?_

_Well, Lily did want something, but it was nothing unreasonable._

_“Do you want me to take that off of you?”_

_Eye contact but no obvious reply, no words, no nod, not even a sound but---eyes that were still frightened, but now also seemed to be pleading._

_Lily pointed to the IV, and then she pointed to Seth’s bandaged arm._

_“I will take this off, but you may not take this out,” she said, firm but still soft. “This is here to help Seth. I know you do not like it. I know. But this is here to help. It has to stay. You get to choose, now. Seth gets a choice. I will take the cuffs off, but you have to leave this alone. It is here to help you.”_

_Immediately Seth’s eyes clouded over and he shook his head._

_“No,” he whimpered. Lily wasn’t exactly sure what he meant but she had to justify him with a response._

_“That’s okay. Seth gets to choose. It’s your choice. I will take the cuffs off, but you may not touch this. You get to choose, Seth.” Lily’s quiet repetition was clearly working though. He needed to know that being touched was going to be his decision from now on. With a mewl, he slowly nodded._

_Lily took the cuffs off carefully. Seth never once made a move to rip out his IV again._

_The next day, he still shrieked at the sight of Tony but by the end of the visit, Tony was in the room and sitting in a chair about 6 feet from Seth’s bed, and Seth seemed completely at peace with it. The day after that, the child tentatively drank half a can of vanilla Ensure that Lily offered him, and then he let her touch his arm without so much as a whimper. The next day his IV came out. The day after that, he met Roman. And everything else had snowballed from there…_

Lily snapped back to reality when she realized that she was almost there; her daydreaming had kept her occupied for most of the three hour drive. When she arrived at the hospital, just in time to take her baby home, she took one look at him and nearly broke down. Because there, curled up and hugging a pillow, in a too-big t-shirt that had to be Roman’s, lay Seth. Looking eerily similar to the way he had the very first time she’d ever laid eyes on him. But this time was different and she knew it. They had fixed him once. They could do it again. 

 

_____________________________________

 

Seth slept all night, awakened early in a strange bed, and immediately wondered why it felt as though someone had taken a chainsaw to his chest. Then he looked around and it all hit him. His car was wreckage. His relationship was over. He was in the hospital, and there was mutiny running diagonally down the front of him. The pain was agonizing and he had no idea whether physical or emotional was worse. The sadness and anger were overwhelming; it was as though a monster was on the inside of his chest fighting to get out. In the quiet darkness of his hospital room, he allowed himself to remember the night before. 

Katie had wanted to make out. But to her, making out meant rough kisses and hands that roamed to secret places, and Seth did not WANT to do that, not yet. It wasn’t because of her and he’d tried hard to explain that, that he just wasn’t comfortable yet; they’d only been holding hands and smooching so far and he was content to keep it that way; he’d know when he was ready for more. In the end it didn’t matter though. Katie wanted more now and she didn’t want to wait. Not for him. 

And that was pretty much it, he decided, as he rolled to his side with a pained groan and squeezed one of his pillows tight. He wasn’t doing this, not ever again. It wasn’t worth it. Never again. There were four people who could be trusted from now on, and even them would be held at arm’s length for a day or so, until he had a chance to reassure himself that they weren’t going to give him up over something he had no real control over. Never again. Seth felt tears begin to well in his eyes, and he willed himself to just stop thinking.

The next thing he felt was a soft hand on his arm; it wasn’t his father’s touch, or either of his brothers’, and that’s when he realized that his mother was there. She wasn’t supposed to be there; she was supposed to be in Dallas having a good time, immune to Seth and his misery, but still---there she was. Confused, he looked at her as she gently kissed his cheek, but he said nothing.

If he spoke, he wasn’t going to be able to stop the tears and that just wasn’t something he was prepared to deal with yet. So he didn’t respond to her soft,

“Hi, bub,” nor did he move when he felt her hand gently run through his hair and down his back. 

“I love you,” he heard his mother murmur gently into his ear.

Everything began to swirl inside of him then, fear, angst, pain, all of it, and he knew he was trembling a little and he fought to keep it at bay.

Just don’t think. Just don’t think. 

He curled up on the back seat of the Escalade as his parents took him home. Dean was driving Mom’s Highlander behind them. Neither of his parents spoke, which suited Seth just fine. They made a quick stop at Panera to grab some breakfast but when they asked him what he wanted he just shook his head.

“I know it hurts, but you gotta eat, bub,” Tony had told him gently.

That’s what you think, Seth thought. Nobody forced it.

Once home, he retreated to his bed. Wyatt hopped up there with him and Seth traded in the pillow for his arms around his dog. Finally, someone he could trust. He let himself doze. 

Seth was unaware of his parents checking on him throughout the morning. He woke to his mother gently helping him drink some water, but then let himself sleep again after that. When he was asleep he could keep the awful feelings at bay. When he was asleep, it didn’t hurt anymore.


	75. What You Deserve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For 9,000 hits, I thank you.

Every time Seth woke up throughout the day, someone was there. They weren’t always aware that he was even awake, which was okay; he got some good information that way. First of all, he learned what he already suspected---his car was a total loss. Apparently his father had left shortly after they brought him home to go with the police officer to the junkyard. He came home while his mother was sitting in the chair in his room, and when he showed her the photos she broke down into tears.

“My baby was in that,” she sobbed against Tony. 

“I know. I know, Lu. But look; he’s here. He’s here and he’s hurting but he’s doing okay. Okay? Just---I know. But he’s going to be fine.”

“Tony---we could’ve---look at this. We SHOULD HAVE lost him last night...why was he spared?”

“I don’t know, Lu. I don’t know, but we can’t focus on that now. We have to focus on him, and love him, and just be thankful. Right?”

“Yeah,” his mother agreed. “Yeah...I love him, T. I just...you’re right though.”

The next time he woke up Roman and Dean were there talking quietly.

“Do you think I should break up with Megan?” Seth heard Roman ask Dean.

This got Seth’s attention.

“I think that would be a pretty stupid thing to do, dude,” Dean replied, and Seth silently agreed. “Megan didn’t do anything. Katie did.”

“I know, but Megan is her sister, and she’s gonna side with Katie and you know I’m down for Seth. It’s gonna get awkward isn’t it?”

“Only if you let it.”

Seth dozed off again before he heard Roman’s response.

But he realized something. He had been a real idiot to doubt his family. It came to a head late that afternoon when his mother returned to his room and sat quietly on the edge of his bed.

“I’d really like it if you would try to eat something,” she murmured. “I’m not going to make you. You know that. But I’d really like it if you just try.”

Seth has choices. Seth gets to choose.

Except last night, Seth didn’t get to choose. Well. He did, but his choice was either keep his girlfriend or do things he was afraid to do. What kind of choice was that?

He must have tensed or something because the next thing he knew, his mother was leaning over him and murmuring in his ear,

“Seth, I love you.”

Katie did not love him. Nine months of talking, then dating, then giving her something that he thought was sacred, only for it to just not be enough.

The dam burst then.

Sobs wracked his body, and man did they HURT but as predicted, he couldn’t make them stop. He felt his mother though, as she wrapped herself around him, drew him in, and allowed his pain. She didn’t try to calm him or tell him everything was going to be fine, which he truly appreciated. Instead she simply let him bury his face into her and weep for awhile.

 

________________________________________

 

Roman was standing in the doorway when Seth erupted into sobs. He leaned against the door jam, slightly horrified, not sure what to do, and then their mother waved him over. She didn’t speak but Roman understood and he crawled up and wrapped his arm around his brother. Tears sprang to his eyes. He felt guilty. He was the one who introduced Seth to Katie, after all. Earlier he’d had a big argument with Megan, their first fight, and he wasn’t feeling too good himself at the moment. 

“Did you know about this?” Roman had asked her, more accusatory than he had meant to sound, but this was right after he’d arrived at the hospital and he was terrified.

“I knew she was thinking about it,” came Megan’s quiet reply. “I didn’t know she actually did it.”

It pretty much all took over him then.

“Why didn’t you TELL ME? How could you just act like everything was okay?” Roman was royally pissed.

“It wasn’t my thing to tell!” Megan exclaimed. “Roman, I’m sorry, but I can’t control what Katie does. I’m mad at her for hurting Seth but she’s my sister. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?”

Roman didn’t have a good answer for that.

And now, holding onto his brother, his heart broke even more when he heard Seth utter a sob-wracked question,

“What’s wr-wrong with m-m-me?”

“Absolutely nothing, baby boy,” Lily whispered softly, stroking Seth’s hair. “You are just fine. You’re perfect. You’re my bub. If you were any different, you wouldn’t be you.”

“But she doesn’t want me…”

“Her loss,” Roman muttered, and Mom gave him The Look.

“Seth, I think you and Katie just want different things,” Lily said. “Sometimes that happens. That’s why we date instead of jumping straight to marriage.”

“But Roman and Megan…” Seth began, but Lily interrupted him gently.

“Roman and Megan are Roman and Megan. You are Seth. And if you aren’t ready for kissing and touching sex, she has to respect that. Just the way we taught you  
guys that you have to respect your own partner’s wishes. If she isn’t willing to do that, Seth, then she doesn’t get to be with you. She doesn’t deserve you.”

Seth buried his face into their mother’s neck then, still sobbing, but somehow, the sobs seemed less deep and painful than they had a moment ago. Roman shot his mother a grateful look.

“I promise you it won’t hurt forever, bub,” Lily murmured. “I know it feels like the world is over right now.”

Seth tilted his chin so that he was looking at their mother and for the first time, Roman noticed, really NOTICED, his brother’s face. Red and splotchy, yes. Tear-stained, sure. But really he looked as though he’d aged. And that’s when it occurred to Roman that Seth was experiencing grown up pain...and that meant a little bit of growing up. He sighed.

“Mommy...I just don’t understand,” Seth sniffled. 

“I know, bub.”

“I just don’t get why she wants all that right now…” Seth continued. Roman sure got it, but he also got why Seth couldn’t. He tried to snuggle closer to his brother, and he felt Seth relax just a little.

“There are no rules when it comes to this, baby,” Lily calmly swiped Seth’s hair off his forehead. “Everyone is ready when they’re ready. That’s not because there’s something wrong with you. Maybe the things you’ve been through are influencing your decision a little, but you are not the only 16-year-old who isn’t ready.”

“It feels like it,” Seth was definitely calmer now. Tears still trickled out of his eyes, but the sobs had stopped and he kind of just sagged between them. “It’s everywhere, Mom.”

“It sure seems like it,” Lily agreed. “But you’re the only one who knows when the time is right for you. I think you...maybe you couldn’t give Katie what she wants, but that also means that she can’t give you what you need. And you deserve better than that. And you’re so young...I know you guys hate when we say that, but it’s true, baby boy. It’s absolutely the truth. You have your whole life to find the right person and when you do, it’ll be amazing and fabulous and that’s the way it’s supposed to be.”

“What if I never can?” Seth whispered.

“I...think that someday, you’ll...when the time is right, bub, I think it’ll all work out the way it’s supposed to. In the meantime, don’t worry about it. I know it feels like it’s everywhere and maybe it is, but sex...kissing...it’s your choice. It might be a long time before you’re ready to make the choice or the next person you meet might make it easy. I can’t tell you that answer, you know? It’s not something that I can just know. It’s one of those things that you just have to learn for yourself.”

Seth had stopped crying completely by now and was playing with the ends of Roman’s hair.

“It never used to be my choice,” he mumbled.

“That was then. That is NOT your life now, Seth. No one can take your choices away now.”

“I know. I guess I know…”

“Here’s what else you need to know. One, I love you. Two, this family is going to support you no matter what you decide the right choice for you is, and taking your time is just fine. Three, you are strong and beautiful and you have always been a survivor, and you’re going to make it through this because you’re tougher than you think.”

Seth smiled then, a small smile, but it counted. 

“I love you too, Mama. And you, Roman. Don’t break up with Megan.”

Lily raised her eyebrows and Roman ducked his head.

“You heard that, huh?” 

“Yes. I did. And that’s dumb. Because she didn’t do anything and she makes you happy. Maybe I haven’t found the right person but I think you have. Don’t let that go. I love you for loving me enough to do that, but still...don’t be a moron. Please? For me?”

“Well, when you put it that way…”

Later that night, the family, including Seth, sat down for dinner. They talked and laughed and even the youngest Girardi seemed to be feeling a little better. Convinced now that his brother would be fine, Roman excused himself to call Megan.

And he apologized.

“I didn’t mean to blow up at you. I’m sorry. It’s just that...I’ve seen Seth hurt so many times and every time it kills me. I guess I felt like if I had known, I could have stopped it but I know that’s wrong now. I won’t talk to you like that again. Please forgive me.”

To his surprise, Megan apologized too.

“I forgive you,” she said immediately. “And I’m sorry too; I love Seth like a brother and the last thing I wanted was for him to get hurt. I told Katie that was a really stupid reason to break up with a great guy and I told her she was trashy, and then I felt guilty because that’s not it. I just...I never really thought about how it would affect everyone if they didn’t work out.”

“Neither did I,” Roman confessed. “But...I think maybe Seth is going to grow from this. Like...I don’t know. He and Mom and I talked today...well, Mom did most of the talking, but anyway, by the time we were done he seemed so much better. And no matter how much I want to, I can’t protect him from everything.”

“No, you can’t,” Megan agreed. “But I understand the need you feel to do that. I always want to protect Katie too but Katie...she does what she wants. I’m really glad Seth is okay. And I’m REALLY glad he wasn’t hurt last night.”

 

______________________________________

 

Dean spent most of the Fall Break texting Jessie, hanging out with Jessie...and riding his dirtbike.

There was race coming up, and it had been awhile since he’d entered a race, but he was determined to win it.

And it was only a little bit so he could show off for his girlfriend.

He really was falling for her, or maybe he already had. Either way he was okay with it. He figured he should be scared to death but there was something about her. She understood. 

She understood that he was fiercely protective of Roman and Seth but especially Seth. Jessie got it when he got overwhelmed by his feelings sometimes. The  
weekend of Seth’s accident, Dean and Jessie had been hanging out in his bedroom (with the door open, of course) and they’d just been talking and suddenly, Dean found himself spilling the entire story of his childhood, from being raised by a junkie, to never knowing his father, to the community center and Roman and Shelby allowing her boyfriend to use him as a plaything. He told her all about coming to the Girardi’s, Papa Angelo, his loyalty to his brothers, photography, and being kidnapped. He even told her about Brad and Tina. And when he was done, instead of backing away, she wrapped her arms around his neck.

“I wish I could take that awful stuff back. I wish that I could promise you that nothing bad will ever happen again. But all I can do is tell you from the bottom of my heart that next time someone hurts you, I’ll be there to help you feel better.”

That was plenty for Dean.

Jessie was really good to Seth, which Dean appreciated. She didn’t mind if he hung out with them sometimes, especially since they shared a couple of classes. She didn’t even mind if he came with them to dinner once in awhile, and she loved doubling with Megan and Roman.

Yup. If there was anything about this girl that wasn’t perfect, Dean sure couldn’t peg it.

They made out a lot, and Dean wanted to go further but he hesitated because she never indicated that it was something she wanted. Really he just enjoyed being  
close to her, and how she smelled, and the way she would unconsciously smooth his hair behind his ear when they studied together.

It was pretty incredible, this love thing. 

Dean also learned that Jessie’s life was far from perfect. 

About the same time as his dirty secret confession that had been his early childhood, he was invited over to Jessie’s to meet her family. Her mother, her father, and her brother.

Dean flashbacked through all of their conversations and---no. No, he definitely didn’t recall her ever mentioning a brother before.

“His name is Brett...he’s...different. He has autism.”

Dean wasn’t familiar in any fashion with autism, so Jessie explained it to him. 

“It basically is like...like he can’t handle stimuli and so he kind of...disappears inside himself. He’s verbal, but not too high-functioning. He’s the love of my life though. Well, maybe him and you. Just don’t let him get ahold of your phone.”

“Why not?”

“Because he’ll change the time on it. Time is one of his obsessions. He just...well, you’ll see.”

Dean didn’t really give any thought to meeting Brett after that. He was only focused on being the love of her life.

He brought flowers for Jessie’s mother the night he came over for dinner. It had been Seth’s suggestion and Dean decided it wasn’t a bad call. He combed his hair and wore his nicest polo and jeans that didn’t have holes, and nice shoes. When he arrived, he could smell something and it smelled pretty fabulous. Then Jessie’s father opened the door. He wasn’t smiling. In fact he wasn’t really showing any emotion at all, and Dean had to fight the urge to shrink back.

He offered his hand.

“Dean Girardi. I’m happy to meet you, sir.”

Next was Jessie’s mother, and he basically gave her the same sentiment. 

Then he met Brett who definitely looked like a short haired version of Jessie.

“Hello, Brett. My name is Dean. How you doin’?”

“Pago Pago is the capital of American Samoa,” was the reply. He looked at Jessie, confused more than anything. She just shrugged. 

“Just one of this things,” she said. Dean smiled.

“I didn’t know that, Brett. Anything else you can teach me?”

“Pago Pago is the capital of American Samoa. It’s 2 am in Pago Pago. It’s 5 am in Perth. It’s 5 pm in Houston.”

Dean had to admit, he was kind of impressed.

After dinner they went for a walk, which ended with him kissing her goodnight on the porch. 

“I like Brett,” Dean told Jessie. “He makes me laugh.” 

“He’s amazing,” Jessie confided. “I think he’s perfect.”

She looked at Dean, almost daring him to disagree, but honestly, he couldn’t have agreed with her more.

“Where does he go to school?” Dean asked, knowing that Creek Ridge didn’t have special ed.

“There’s a school downtown for students with autism,” Jessie told him. “I hate that he does that. I think he could be mainstreamed somewhere if anyone would put the effort into him. But it’s not up to me…and he’s happy there. I guess that’s what matters.”

“I’m glad. I hope I can hang out with him again...how old is he?”

“Eleven. He’s in 5th grade right now.”

“Can we take him out to eat sometime?”

The look on Jessie’s face was so brilliant that Dean almost teared up, and then she flung her arms around his neck.

“Yes. Yes, we absolutely can,” she whispered into his neck. He smiled into her hair. 

That night when he got home, he sat down at the table with his dad and told him about his evening and about Brett.

“Her parents are nice and all, Dad, but they...they just don’t really seem to interact with either of them that much. But Brett could tell me what time it was in any time zone and he was so certain that you just didn’t even doubt him.”

“I’m glad you like her, buddy,” Tony said. “And I’m glad you like her brother. You understand how important being close to your brothers is.”

Dean smiled.

“Are you getting nervous about the race?” Dad asked him.

“Not really. I’m excited. But tomorrow will you look at the bike with me? Just to make sure it’s in top shape?”

“Of course, buddy. Dean, I’m so happy to see you so happy.”

Dean hadn’t thought about it; he’d never really considered himself to be unhappy...but now that his father mentioned it, he was the happiest he’d ever been in his entire life.


	76. Crash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, funny story.
> 
> I had this all written last night, and I really wanted to have it up last night because, you know, I promised someone I would. It has also been a very long week. So I get it all ready and post it. Get up this morning. No new comments (not that I'm that vein; it's just that the people who do comment usually tend to do it around the same time; I promise I'm not that full of myself). So anyway, yeah, I got it all edited and in the box ready to go---and I fell asleep before I hit post. 
> 
> So here it is now.
> 
> This chapter was a request from a reader. I've been really trying to work in any requests/suggestions in ways that enhance the story...including one several of you made awhile back that I haven't forgotten about and am still exploring!

The day of the race was pretty perfect, at least weather-wise. Lily loved watching Dean enjoy himself, and good weather definitely helped, but aside from watching him have fun, she hated these things.  
It had been quite awhile since the last time he had raced. He still loved to ride his bike around the property, though, and sometimes he’d take off with his brothers in the golf cart behind him, and sometimes he’d go on his own, though his mother frowned on that.  
It wasn’t that Dean was reckless...exactly.  
He definitely had no fear, though. He’d wiped out on that thing dozens of times.  
The bike he rode now was black and chrome, bigger and more powerful than the one he’d been given for his 12th birthday almost 5 years ago. Lily started when that thought occurred to her; he was nearly 17. She shook her head; it was unbelievable. Sometimes in her mind, he returned to that place, a mischievous pre-teen; angry at the world but still so loving, desperate to please, emotional, with dimples that made her melt.  
Actually, come to think of it, besides pre-teen and angry, he was still all of those things.  
All of her boys were learning responsibility in various phases; Roman clearly won that battle. He fit into his roll of the oldest perfectly. Seth’s fear of letting his parents down kept him on a self-imposed short leash. Dean---well, no fear definitely described him.  
But he was always the first one to help with the dishes. He fed the dogs and cats without being asked, kept a reasonably clean room, and he polished his bike once a week. In the summer, he helped keep the pool skimmed and clean. His heart was always in the right place, even if he didn’t always make the right choices or used the right words.  
If she thought about it, Dean was the most irresponsibly responsible child she’d ever met.  
So she watched with curious trepidation as he suited up in the green and black body suit, helmet, and boots that he’d been given and proudly kissed his mother’s cheek before taking the starting line. There were about 15 teenage boys riding this race, including Dean’s friend Patrick, who he’d met the year he and Seth attended Camp Triumph.  
With a sigh, Lily leaned back in her chair and smiled over at Jessie, who was sitting beside her, and Tony, who was sitting on Jessie’s other side. Lily really, really liked Jessie so far; she seemed to really care about her son, she got on well with both Roman and Seth, and she was outspoken and talkative but not at all disrespectful. Shortly after Dean had introduced them, Jessie had confessed to Lily that her own parents more or less didn’t care about her opinion on most matters, so being in the presence of her and Tony was refreshing. Lily had told her that they raised the boys to think for themselves and that they were allowed to formulate their own beliefs as long as they expressed them respectfully, but it seemed that for the most part so far, the boys’ beliefs seemed to fall right in line with hers and Tony’s anyway.  
“It’s because they know they can talk to you,” Jessie said. “Dean told me once that he knows that no matter what, he can come to you with anything and you won’t get mad, as long as he understands that his actions have consequences.”

“Trust was something none of them had when their lives began,” Lily murmured. “We trust them, though. We know they’ll make mistakes and he’s right about the consequences, but I want them to always know that if they need me, I’m going to help them.”

Maybe it was because Lily and Tony had to fight like hell to get their boys, but it was hard for Lily to fathom that there were parents who just weren’t interested in what their kids were up to. She knew she was guilty of being overprotective, but she tried hard not to be a helicopter parent. Until Jessie, it hadn’t occurred to her really that some parents were on the opposite end of that extreme. Of course she knew it, but those parents were how she wound up with her own kids...except they clearly weren’t the only ones. It made her sad, and it made her wonder---was that was life was like for more kids than Jessie?

Lily’s own parents had always been involved with everything she did. As the youngest and the only girl, she had always been lavished with love and attention, and she’d liked it just fine. The foreignness of Jessie’s situation was daunting, but then again, Lily figured, it didn’t matter. As long as Jessie was being so good to her son, she would always have a family. The Girardi’s would see to that.

“So...how does this work?” Jessie spoke up. “I mean I know he’s riding his bike but this isn’t a typical ride…”

“No, it’s not,” Lily agreed. “There’s a whole dirt track. It’s pretty big---those bikes move fast. We opted for these seats because of the big hill right there,” she pointed. “It’s kind of like a plank or a ramp. They’ll ride up one side and fly off. Lots of twists and turns…”

“Why do you let him do something so dangerous?” Jessie asked semi-sharply, then seemed to think better of it. “Sorry…”

Tony laughed.

“It’s okay. That’s the question Dean’s mom usually asks me,” he said with a wink. “And the answer is, life is dangerous. You know? Dean is a risk taker, always has been. We don’t want him to get hurt, but we want him to be who he is and do what he loves, and he sure loves this.”

“Has he ever gotten hurt?” Jessie’s tone had softened completely, but while she was no longer demanding, now she just seemed worried.

“He’s...not seriously,” Lily said. “He’s cracked a few ribs, bumped his head once or twice, and he’s had a couple of bad cases of road rash, but for the most part, he’s a good rider and he’s risky but he’s also pretty smart about it. Most of the time.”  
“Okay...but I like his other hobby better,” Jessie said, after considering Lily’s words. “He’s incredible at it and it’s much safer.”

Lily and Tony exchanged a glance.

“Not necessarily,” they both said at the same time, and then they both laughed.

“Did he show you the pics he took of the super eclipse?” Tony asked.

“Yeah...they’re gorgeous. He’s giving me one to hang in my room…”

“You’re right. They’re gorgeous. Did he tell you how he climbed up on the chimney to get them?”

Jessie laughed at this. 

“Yeah, he did, but I didn’t believe him,” she admitted.

“Believe him. Always believe him; he’s honest to a fault.”

She smiled.

“I like him. A lot.”

“Good,” Lily said, and she laid her hand on Jessie’s arm. “He likes you too.”

 

_____________________________________

 

Seth and Roman sat on together about a fourth of a mile around the track from Jessie and their parents. Megan was with them. It had been slightly awkward between Megan and Seth at first, but then one evening, Roman and Megan had been studying together and Seth approached them and asked for help with his trigonometry homework. Megan was stronger than Roman when it came to math, and she ended up helping Seth. Everything had been fine after that.

The track for this race was about a mile around, and the bikers had to make 10 laps. It was bumpy and had a lot of hills, but it definitely wasn’t the toughest track that Dean had ever ridden, so Roman had pretty high hopes for his brother to do well. He knew it’d mean a lot to Dean if he won the race in front of his girlfriend.

It had been a good year since Dean had raced last. Maybe a little longer. He wasn’t as into it as he once was, since he’d discovered his artistic talent. These days it seemed like Dean was always drawing or tinkering with his camera and its accessories. Roman had been a little surprised, actually, when Dean mentioned competing.

“It’s just something I want to do again, Rome,” Dean had said. “I still love riding. It’s just...there aren’t enough days in a week, I guess.”

Roman could certainly understand THAT.

As the bikes lined up, Seth pointed.

“There he is!”

Roman squinted, and sure enough, there was Dean. 

He was covered from head to toe in his gear and his face wasn’t visible, but Roman could still tell that it was him. It was the way he stood slightly hunched near his bike, the way he scratched at his collarbone slightly; Roman knew this meant he was anxious, but Dean was always a little keyed up before a race.

They all mounted their bikes and they could hear the engines rev. Roman looked at Seth, a thrill suddenly running through him, and grinned. Here they went.

Dean and a few others shot out in front of the rest of the pack early, and as he flew by, Roman could swear he saw his brother flash him a thumbs up, though he was going WAY too fast to see that for sure. The first few laps were simple. Boring even. Dean, a couple of other guys, and a racer in red and white who Roman thought MIGHT be Patrick, blazed around the track. 

Then the bikers quit coming. One by one, the last one passed, and no one else came around the bend. Odd, Roman though, since they were nowhere near done. There  
were a ton of people in the crowd, but Roman strained his ears to try and hear if anything was going on.

It was Megan who noticed the commotion first.

Three ambulances had slowly entered the track. Their sirens were off but their lights flashed as they disappeared around the bend that the last biker had just rounded.

And Roman knew. 

Dean.

 

________________________________________

 

The race came screeching to a halt and Tony immediately had a feeling that it wasn’t going to be good, but he and Lily held their breath and waited. They watched the  
ambulances and then a few firetrucks entered the track. Bikers started slowly making their way back to the starting area and finding their families, but there was no sign of Dean.

“Where is he? Do you see him?” Lily demanded. Jessie looked like she was about to faint. Tony scanned the crowd.

“No,” he had to admit to his wife. “I don’t...I’ll walk around and look.”

Halfway around he bumped in to his oldest and youngest sons.

“Dad, have you seen Dean?” Seth’s voice was worried. Tony just shook his head.

“I’m headed around...you guys head back that way and meet up with Mom, okay?”

“No, Dad, I’m coming with you,” Roman said sharply. Tony considered arguing but ultimately, he nodded.

“Okay. Seth, take Megan and find Mom. Stay together, okay?” He cringed when he noticed yet another fire truck rolling onto the track. At that point, he and Roman broke out into a run. As they rounded the bend, nothing prepared them for the sight they found.

It looked like a bomb had detonated. Several bikers were strewn everywhere, being tended to by medics, but the most horrifying thing was the pile of bikes that lay in the middle of the track. There had to be at least six still piled up, a coagulation of metal that---frankly, you couldn’t tell where one ended and another began. Off to the right, Tony saw two police officers gently cover something with a sheet.

That meant---oh God.

Someone was dead.

Tony raced closer then, Roman hot on his heels. Two more officers tried to stop them, but Tony flashed his FBI credentials and they slowly stopped trying to prevent him from getting closer to the white bundle on the ground about 30 feet away.

“My son,” he mumbled. He dropped to his knees. One of the officers slowly pulled the sheet back and Tony felt bile rise in his throat.

But it wasn’t Dean. It was Patrick. Eyes still open and neck obviously broken, he lay there unmoving and Tony felt Roman go rigid beside him.

“It’s okay,” Tony wrapped his arms around his oldest. “I know. I know it’s Patrick but it’s not Dean. Dean’s here somewhere. Come here.” He led Roman out of the way of the medics and officers and firefighters.

A crowd grew around the pile of mangled dirt bikes, and suddenly, as he was rubbing Roman’s back and hugging him, he heard someone yell,

“Hey, there’s one more under here!”

Then,

“He’s alive! He just moved.”

Then a familiar howl rose above the din.

“Noooooooooooo get me OUTTTTTTTTTTTT!”

THAT was Dean. 

His voice was coming from somewhere in the pile of metal and with a pang, Tony realized his son’s foot was sticking out the bottom. Dean was UNDER all of those dirt bikes, which were tangled up like shoelaces. And he sounded terrified. Now men swarmed around it all, trying to pull things off the top of the pile, and Tony got as close as he dared.

“Dean?”

The screaming paused for a moment.

“D-d-d-daddy?”

“I’m here, son.”

“Daddy, get me out. Please, please, get me out.”

“I want you to try and relax, buddy. They’re getting you out. Dean, listen,” Tony said, taking the prompt from the EMT beside him. “Listen, bud. It’s really important  
that you try not to move.”

“Nooooo,” he moaned. “Dad, get me out. Outta here. PLEASE GET ME OUTTA HERE!”

“We are, son. We are.”

“Don’t leave me,” Dean pleaded.

“I’m not going anywhere, son. I can’t touch you, Dean, but I’m staying right here with you.”

“He was on the ground,” Dean sobbed loudly.

“Who was?”

“Patrick. He was on the ground and I swerved so I wouldn’t hit him and then they all started crashing into me.”

“It’s okay, buddy. Listen to me. Listen to Daddy. You’re gonna be fine. What hurts, Dean?” Now certainly wasn’t the time to tell him that his friend was gone.

“I don’t know...I can’t really feel anything. It’s hard to breath, Daddy, please, get me out!”

Tony turned to Roman, who had tears in his eyes but didn’t seem to realize it. 

“Go find your mother. Tell her where to go. Don’t send Seth or the girls. Just Mom.”

Roman nodded and took off in a sprint.

“Hang on, Deano,” Tony talked calmly to his son. Dean had stopped cryng and was reduced to just whimpering softly.

“You’re doing great, buddy,” he went on. “Talk to me, Dean. What happened? What happened buddy?”

Dean’s voice was no more than a whisper as he slowly tried to recount it to his father, and as they talked, Dean relaxed. By the time he was done he was breathing heavily but quiet, no longer distressed. This lasted until the final blike was removed from Dean’s chest. Tony could see immediately that something was seriously wrong with his right upper arm; upon closer scrutiny it looked like his shoulder was sticking at an odd angle. 

“They’re almost done, bud. Take deep breaths.”

The second Dean was free from his metal prison, it was like the pain suddenly hit him all at once and he started screaming again. He couldn’t even put together a coherent sentence. And then suddenly, he fell still.

“Dean?”

No response.

“Hey, Deano?”

Nothing.

The medics were placing him on a backboard. His neck was in a cervical collar. He was still unconscious.

He heard the medics talking; internal bleeding, blow to the head, hospital ASAP. Tony’s heart sank still lower.

This was serious.


	77. Dreams

Seth sat silently in the hospital waiting room, his arm around his mother. His father was pacing. Roman was laying on his chair with his head on Megan’s lap. Jessie’s parents had demanded that she return home. She was upset; she’d wanted to stay and wait for news on Dean, but Lily had finally convinced her, reminding her that if she got into trouble with her mom and dad, she might not be able to see Dean at all. There was nothing for her to do right now anyway. They exchanged numbers and Jessie left with the promise that Lily would text as soon as she knew anything.

Dean was in surgery.

An ultrasound had showed that there was blood in his abdomen; the doctors couldn’t tell where, but they had to open him up or he’d bleed to death. Seth wondered how a person could bleed to death when there was barely a drop of blood ON them, but apparently it was possible. 

He hadn’t been allowed to see Dean before he was rushed up to surgery. Only his parents were allowed back in the ER. When his father had emerged to tell them what was happening, Dean was already in the elevator. Anger was an emotion that Seth rarely felt that strongly, but he had yelled an obscenity, then stormed away from his parents and ran, ignoring his mother’s passioned texts to please come back. When he stopped, he had no idea where he was but there was no one around, so he sank down against the wall and let himself cry. 

He was terrified.

It was Roman who found Seth, elbows on his knees, head in his hands, shaking in the corner, too scared of facing his mother after his actions and too sick to his stomach to get up on his own. Roman offered him a hand, but Seth had shaken his head miserably so Roman sat down beside him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“I’m here,” he had spoke to Seth quietly. “It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. He’s tough.”

And Seth had buried his face into Roman’s shoulder then, and cried some more. Dean’s toughness was never in question. You could be the toughest person on the planet, but tough was a state of mind. And if your body stopped working…

Seth allowed Roman to help him to his feet and lead him up to the OR waiting room, where his parents hugged him and told him they loved him and weren’t mad. But Seth was still mad. He was still furious.

He was furious with Dean because the idiot always had to be doing something stupid and dangerous and now look what happened? He was incensed at his parents for allowing Dean to participate in such a ridiculous activity. He was outraged at Patrick for crashing in Dean’s way, so Dean had to try and avoid hitting him, and also for dying because seriously. And Seth was irate, absolutely abhorrent, actually, with himself for not telling Dean how much he loved him when he still had the change.

Now, sitting here, arms tight around his mom, Seth felt tears spring to his eyes again. He fought to keep them in. Then his mother spoke.

“T. Come sit down, okay?”

His father shook his head.

“You were right,” Tony sounded tired, defeated. “All those times you asked me if we should really be letting him do this---you were right. I should have listened to you. Then maybe…”

“Stop,” Lily’s voice was quiet, serious, but held not a trace of anger. Then she looked at Seth too.

“Both of you, just stop,” she repeated. “This is not your fault, either one of you. It was an accident. It could have happened to anyone. A child was lost today, but not our child. OUR child is fighting like hell to hold on. Don’t count him out yet. He’s being worked on by some of the best people in the world. Let’s just...just please. Come sit down.”

Tony obliged. Seth felt his mother was being oddly rational, but then, he supposed someone had to be.

He felt himself growing weary. The doctors had told them it could be hours before they were finished. Megan offered to drive Roman and Seth home, but there was just no way they were going anywhere. So Megan ran her fingers through Roman’s hair until he fell asleep, and Seth leaned heavily against Lily. She pulled him close and began murmuring to him quietly.

“Sleep, bub. I’ve got you. Just sleep.”

Seth did sleep. He dreamed about Dean…

_Seth Rollins was 12, tiny, and so terrified he couldn’t form a word more complicated than “no.” Every time he closed his eyes, he saw them again, the people who hurt him, who hit him and squeezed him, who pressed his face into his pillow so he couldn’t scream when they held him down and...he clearly remembered the very first time, the way the first one, Robin, had looked, sweating and moving up and down over him while Seth shrieked and screamed, too stunned from the searing pain to even attempt to fight back. It took about a year before he gave up screaming altogether. It never, ever made them stop._

_Then the people came. The good guys. The police. And the woman named Cassie who looked at him kindly but spoke to the men in the white coats in hushed tones.  
Everything swirled around Seth, and he found that it as confusing and baffling and every bit as terrifying as what he’d gone through before. So without thinking about it, he started to scream again. Only this time it worked; eventually he screamed so hard they pushed a needle into his arm and then he slept, a dreamless sleep, and for a few hours, there was nothing to be afraid of._

_So this place, this bright, sterile hospital, was different but no less terrifying than the group home, except that here, when he screamed, they listened. They backed away, they didn’t touch, and even when they tied his hands up, his screams still got him what he wanted, which was either to be made to sleep again or to just be left alone. Whichever._

_His stomach hurt. His bruises ached. He HATED the restraints even more than he hated the needle in his arm. He hated that in order to pee, a nurse would come and hold a bottle up to him and he was supposed to just go. The people at the hospital were kind to him, always, but not one of them ever told Seth exactly what it was he was supposed to DO, and that was maybe the scariest part about the whole thing._

_And then the woman with the long blonde hair came and spoke to him quietly and told him that he had a choice. She took those awful things off his arms in exchange for his agreement that he not yank out the needle anymore. And there it was; an expectation, one that he could easily follow._

_A couple of days later she brought a boy. His name is Roman, she gently explained. He’s my son. Boys terrified Seth but Roman...he came in quietly and just talked to him and told Seth not to be afraid. Another expectation, this one way harder, but something about this particular boy, his calm intensity, made Seth feel protected._

_The next day, he met Dean._

_His guard was down this time, because Roman had been so soft and gentle and hushed, and Dean was...none of those._

_Seth was curled up in bed hugging the stuffed bear that Roman had given him the day before. He didn’t care if he was too old for it; his world continued to make no sense and something soft and easy to squeeze took some of the pressure off. He heard Dean before he saw him, and immediately tensed._

_Before he could even react, though, a boy about his age but much bigger came bounding into the door, followed by the man and woman who had been visiting all week, who were trying to remind him to be quiet and easy, but he paid them no mind, or maybe he didn’t even hear them over the sound of his own voice, because instead of stopping he said excitedly,_

_“Hiya, Seth! I’m Dean! I’m gonna be your---”_

_He didn’t finish the sentence, because as he was talking he jumped right into Seth’s bed beside him and tried to get closer. Seth panicked completely, gasped for air, and backed up, then tried to dart forward just as Dean lunged toward him._

_They crashed and Seth hit the ground with a loud, painful thud, and then he began to scream, because it had worked up to this point. Dean sat on the bed, clearly discombobulated, and Seth curled up on the floor and shrieked and waited for someone to come and put him out of his misery with a shot, but it never happened. Instead, the man, Tony, scooped Dean up easily and sat down on a chair with him in his lap. The woman, Lily, crouched next to Seth and began to stroke his hair._

_Seth didn’t know what about that made him relax but it did, and after a moment she was easing him up and back on to his bed and holding him in her arms._

_“Shhh...it’s okay, bub. You’re okay. That’s a good boy, bub…” Seth liked it when she rocked him. He liked it when she held him close. And he really liked it when she called him “Bub” and told him he was good._

_Across the room, Tony was letting Dean, still mildly disoriented but rapidly realizing what had just done, cling to him while he talked to him quietly._

_“You didn’t do bad, buddy. It was an accident. You’ve gotta remember that you were here once and you were scared too. It’s okay. Look, see? Seth is okay. He’s not hurt. You have a bump though. You hit your head?”_

_Seth realized something then. First of all, the reason his elbow was throbbing because he had slammed it into Dean’s head when they collided. Second, Dean hadn’t meant to hurt or frighten him. Seth wasn’t entirely sure what Dean HAD meant to do, but he definitely hadn’t meant any harm. And by the tears in Dean’s eyes, Seth also realized that he was worse off than Seth was. He wasn’t mean. He’d just been excited. Tony turned Dean around then and wrapped his arms tightly around the boy’s middle, so he and Seth could see each other but they weren’t necessarily close. They’d talked to them both softly, and ultimately, Dean had quietly apologized to Seth and Seth, though unable to speak really, nodded his head._

_Two weeks later when Seth woke screaming from yet another nightmare, Lily, now Mama, was in the shower, so Roman and Dean had come to his aide and Dean had been unbelievably soft. Seth was still guarded but he watched as his new brother knelt down gently._

_“Do you want me to find Mama?”_

_Seth started to nod but then jerked back, horrified. A long scratch appeared down Dean’s face. His flesh began to rot. He was turning into...he looked like...a zombie…_

With a shriek, Seth sat up straight and then fell right off his chair, looking around wildly for his parents, who were no longer flanking him. He caught sight of them then, standing in doorway of the now darkened waiting room, holding each other, their expressions grim and suddenly, Seth knew. He just knew. Dean was gone.

 

______________________________________________

 

Roman woke up about thirty minutes before Seth sat bolt straight, screamed, and fell to the ground. He’d roused when Megan gently kissed his forehead.

“Babe, I’m gonna go,” she had whispered into his ear as he sleepily leaned against her. “I love you. I love Dean. I’m praying for him, okay? But I believe in him. He’ll make it. He just has to. Call me the second you hear…”

And Roman had nodded, still trying to process everything that was happening.

He’d seen the doctor come to the door, had seen his mother gently lay Seth across the chairs so as not to wake him, had seen his parents rise. Their voices were low, and he only heard bits and pieces of the conversation, his eyes still sleep-laden and distracted by his baby brother, but the parts he caught seemed encouraging.

“Made it...ICU...three blood transfusions...spleen is gone...critical…”

But the one word Roman didn’t hear was “dead,” or any variation of it.

Seth looked like he had been dreaming when he woke, and his screams brought their parents back to reality immediately.

“Bub?” Lily started, but Roman got to him first.

“Seth…” 

“No, no, I want Dean, I want Dean, bring Dean back!” Seth was hysterical, sobbing as though he could never stop and Roman’s arms around him did nothing to placate him at all. 

“Shhh…” Lily tried too, and Seth arched away from her. It was Tony who finally caught him in a firm, tight grasp, pulled him into his arms, and sat there with him on his lap, pressing his face into his shoulder. Lily knelt beside him and rubbed his back. Finally Seth raised his head and tearfully whimpered,

“Daddy, please. Please, I want Dean. I just want Dean, please, you have to get him back.” 

Tears poured off of their father’s face too as he looked back at Seth, confused.

“I know you want Dean. I know. I know you do. But he’s in recovery, buddy. I can’t go get him right now. I’m so sorry, but you’ve got to wait---”

One word caught Seth’s attention, and he interrupted Tony.

“Recovery?”

“Shhh, yes. Only one person can sit with him recovery. Mama’s going to go in just a minute. I know you want to see him, buddy---”

“He’s alive…” Seth interrupted again and his whole body went slack in Tony’s arms.

“He’s alive,” Tony confirmed. “He’s critical, guys. But he’s alive.”

“I dreamed...I dreamed...oh...Daddy...it was a dream…” Seth seemed to be struggling to speak and Tony let him bury his face into his shoulder once more.

“Shhhhh...oh, bub,” Lily’s voice now. Her arms were wrapped around Roman, but she leaned in close so she could softly soothe Seth.

“It’s okay, Seth. He’s not dead. He’s hanging on by a thread. He lost a lot of blood. The had to remove his spleen and part of his liver and give him a few blood transfusions but he made it. As soon as he’s out of recovery he’ll be moved to ICU and then you can see him. Okay?”

“But I dreamed…” Seth began to weakly protest, and Lily gently cut him off.

“I know you did. But it was just a dream, baby boy.” She kissed Seth’s cheek, then Roman’s. “I’m going to go see about him now. Okay? I promise you, as soon as he’s in a bed in ICU, I’ll let you guys know.”

Seth barely nodded a response, holding on to their father, but Roman gave his mother a tired smile.

“Okay, Mom.” And with that, Lily left, leaving Roman and Tony to comfort Seth, who was still quietly crying and clinging to their father. Tony leaned back against the chairs, pulling Seth up into his lap. 

“It’s okay,” Tony patted Seth’s back. “It’s okay.”

“I was dreaming,” Seth turned his head to rest on Dad’s shoulder, eyes wide but not quite seeing. “I was dreaming about the day Dean and I met…”

Tony smiled.

“I remember.”

“No, but...I was dreaming. And he was okay and then suddenly he started to turn into a zombie and I woke up and I thought...I thought...but he’s not dead…”

“Take a deep breath,” Tony gently instructed. “He’s not dead, buddy. I want you to take a deep breath and try to relax.” Then Tony held his other arm open for Roman, who gratefully took a spot beside Seth. His father’s arms felt strong, comforting...and he gazed deep into Seth’s eyes. Seth was breathing kind of hard, but otherwise had calmed considerably, so Roman reached for his hand and held it. No one spoke. No one needed to. Dean wasn’t dead. There just wasn’t anything more important than that left to say.


	78. Insecure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this about 6 times. I'm still not exactly happy with it...is this what real writers feel like sometimes?
> 
> And OMG, over 9600 hits. We'll be clearing 10,000 soon---how should we celebrate?

A nurse that Lily didn’t know guided her into the tiny room that Dean was now laying in. The first thing she noticed, strangely, was not her baby. It was nothing visible, actually. It was all of the sounds. The soft whoosh of the ventilator that was forcing oxygen into her child’s bruised lungs. The gentle hum of the machine that was allowing fluid to drain from his abdominal cavity. The soft, rhythmic beep of the monitor that kept tabs on his heart.

_Beep, beep, beep.  
I’m still in here, Mama._

With so many tubes, wires and cords leading off of him, Lily’s heart sank as she realized that there was no chance she’d be able to crawl into Dean’s bed and just hold  
him, which was what she most desperately wanted. Instead she found his hand in the middle of the mess and held it tight, and gazed down at her beautiful baby boy.

So maybe he didn’t look that beautiful right then. Actually he kind of resembled a mummy. White gauze was laid across the staples that held his abdomen together. More gauze wrapped his right shoulder which would need surgery eventually, and his left leg, which had a fractured tibia, though an operation to fix that wouldn’t likely be necessary. Just wrapped, not casted, because really, where was Dean going to GO? They’d keep him in a medically induced coma for a day or two, to make sure his damaged organs got a good heal started, and then they’d slowly wake him up.

And then the fun would really start.

Lily cringed and squeezed Dean’s hand tighter as the reality of the pain he was facing hit her, and not just the physical pain. He’d lost Patrick, maybe not his closest friend but then, although Roman and Dean had all kinds of friends, and Seth was slowly starting to come out of his shell, none of them had “best friends.” The three of THEM were best friends. They all protected each other, were there for each other. Roman would forego cherished time with Megan to hang out with his brothers, though he seemed to have found a good balance in that regard. 

About a year ago, Dean had gotten suspended for fighting because he punched a boy in the face. Lily and Tony were livid; not that he had done it but because he refused to tell them why. 

“This is serious, son,” Tony had said. “The school has a zero tolerance policy and this is not like you. I think the principal WANTS to help you, but you have to tell us what’s going on.” 

Dean had staunchly refused, until Seth fessed up. The boy Dean hit had been bullying Seth. Seth was trying to handle it with words, but in the locker room one afternoon after gym, the boy had taken his antics to a new extreme, grabbing Seth’s butt and squeezing it tight. Dean had walked in right in the middle of this and decked the kid straight away. When the school officials learned of what had really gone on, Dean’s week-long suspension held, but the other kid got expelled. It was just another example of what the brothers would go through to keep each other safe.

In Lily’s profession, she didn’t run across many medically induced comas, but spending time in recovery was something she definitely knew about, and she always encouraged the families of patients to talk to their loved ones, to help ease the transition out of anesthesia, because everyone reacted to the drugs differently and not everyone woke easily. Lily had no idea of Dean could hear her or not, but talking softly to him would definitely do no harm.

“Hey, sweetie,” she began. “It’s Mama...guess you probably figured that, huh? I love you, Dean. Daddy and the boys are here too. They’re going to move you soon and then they’ll come and talk to you too. They put your belly back together...dammit, you scared me, Dean Benjamin. But you’re here in front of me now. I love you so much, my sweetie. I need you to hang on for me, okay? It’s gonna be hard, I won’t lie. I know it’s gonna be hard. But you’ll get better. We’re going to help you get better. You just have to hang on.”

 

_____________________________________________

 

Seth spurned every one of Tony’s attempts to help him go back to sleep, so they sat together wide awake long after Roman had nodded off again. Tony tried to wrap an arm around his youngest boy, but Seth didn’t seem to want comfort.

He didn’t seem to want much of anything, except to see his brother.

And so, a few hours after Dean’s surgery had finally ended, at 4 am when his exhausted but still beautiful wife appeared in the door to let them know that Dean had been moved to ICU, although Tony wanted more than anything to see his boy, he knew Seth NEEDED it.

He looked at Lily.

“Can I take Seth first?”

Lily’s eyebrows raised a little and Seth looked a little surprised too, but Tony didn’t care. 

“We’ll be back after a bit and we can see if Roman will wake up. And then one of us can take the boys home,” Tony told Lily, who nodded and sat down and kind of curled around Roman, who didn’t stir.

“Thank you, Daddy,” Seth whispered softly as he and Tony walked to the elevator. Tony wrapped his son in a gentle hug.

“You’re welcome. I know,” he murmured. There was no need for any further explanation.

Dean looked awful but that was to be expected; he’d had a 6-hour, highly invasive operation, after all. It was still worse than Tony had expected though. His skin was ghost-pale, he looked gaunt, and he appeared to have tubes leading out of every orifice. Tony had been warned by the surgeon, two nurses, and his wife that Dean was in rough shape. But he still wasn’t prepared for it.

Seth took one look and inhaled sharply; Tony half expected him to scream and bolt but instead, he took a few steps closer. Then he looked at his dad.

“Can...can I touch him?”

Tony thought they’d be hard pressed to find a spot on Dean that wasn’t covered in bandage or device, but he wasn’t about to say that out loud to Seth. Instead he gently took Seth’s hand and helped him find Dean’s. Seth’s fingers slowly curled around his brother’s. 

“Do you think he can hear us?” Seth asked.

“I don’t know...Mom thinks he can,” Tony replied. Tony wasn’t at all sure he agreed, but again, not something he needed to say to Seth right then. “Even if he can’t, you won’t hurt him if you do.”

So Seth did.

“Hey, Dean. I wish you could see yourself right now,” Seth whispered, and then what sounded strangely like a laugh combined with a sob tore out of him. He ducked his head for a moment before continuing. 

“You’d have the biggest fit. You’d say you looked like Frankenstein’s monster or something...damn you. You weren’t supposed to get hurt like this, you...but Mama says you’ll get better, brother. And if Mama says it I believe her. I just...I need you to believe her too. Okay? I need you. You and Roman. I need you both. Just...just please, Dean. Just please.”

Tony rested a hand on Seth’s back; his boy was acting awfully grown up, and he knew just how hard it was for Seth to do this. Tony realized he was feeling proud as he rubbed up and down Seth’s spine and decided to follow his boy’s lead.

“Your brother’s right, buddy,” Tony murmured. “He’s absolutely right. You’re going to get better, bud. My God, you’ve fought so hard already. And now you’ve earned a rest. But you’ve got to come back to us soon, buddy. We all need you. And we’re all here for you too. Hang in there.”

“I love you Dean,” Seth continued where Tony had left off. “I love you and I promise that whatever you need, whatever it takes, I’m going to be here for you. And I’ll take a picture of how you look now so that when you’re better, we can look at it and laugh together.”

Tony smiled.

“Everything’s gonna be fine,” Seth kept murmuring softly to Dean. 

“Yeah it is,” came a low voice from behind Seth. He looked around. It was Roman and Mom.

“We couldn’t wait,” Lily murmured. 

“That’s okay,” Tony replied. “I think Dean needs his whole family now.”

“I think so too,” Seth whispered. “See, Dean? Everyone’s here. You’ve gotta rest so you can wake up and we can tease Roman about his girlfriend.” 

Roman elbowed Seth gently and smiled.

They all sat in the recovery room surrounding Dean until the sun began to come up. To their credit, any nurses that noticed left them alone. Roman and Seth were holding Dean’s hands when suddenly Seth cried out softly.

“Bub? What is it?” Lily was instantly by Seth’s side.

“He...he squeezed my hand…”

“Oh, bud,” Tony said. “He’s in a coma right now; I don’t think…”

“No, Daddy, he did it again!” Seth cried just as Roman uttered,

“He squeezed my hand too.”

Lily looked; there were no changes to the monitors that would indicate Dean should be able to move but at that moment, he did it again and this time, Lily could actually see his hands grip just a little tighter.

“Oh my,” she murmured, stepping around her boys so that she could run her fingers through Dean’s hair. “Hello there, sweetie. Thank you for letting us know you’re in there, baby boy. I love you. We all love you. You rest for now, okay? Rest for now, so that tomorrow they can stop these meds. I want to see those blue eyes again. Oh, Dean. How I love you.”

Roughly 12 hours later, when they lifted the sedation, Dean woke up calm and completely relaxed, surrounded by his parents and brothers. It would be another couple of days before the vent was removed and he could speak, and it would be a long road to recovery, but there was no one among them who doubted that he could do it, nor was there anyone who didn’t intend to be right there by his side.

 

_______________________________________

 

For awhile, the cocktail of meds Dean was on kept him suitably out of himself, so the first couple of days after the accident went pretty okay. He wasn’t able to speak at first, and even once the vent was removed, he was pretty incoherent. A moaned response or a mumbled “love you” was pretty much all they got out of him, but that was okay with Lily.

She knew it would get harder before it got easier.

And was she ever right.

Lily had taken Roman and Seth home about three nights after Dean’s surgery, a day or so after the vent came out. Tony said he’d spend the night at the hospital so they could get some sleep in comfortable beds, although Lily was sure not one of them believed that Roman and Seth would be sleeping anywhere other than Lily’s bed that night. 

The three of them picked up a Thai chicken pizza on their way home, pigged out, showered, and settled in Lily and Tony’s bed to watch Godzilla on Netflix.

Seth fell asleep on her shoulder less than 20 minutes in, so she turned the volume down on the TV and she and Roman quietly talked.

“I keep waiting…” Roman murmured.

“For?” Lily thought she knew what he was getting at, but she waited to be sure.

“I don’t know...I guess for something to go totally wrong…”

Lily hugged him.

“I know. I hear you. And Roman...something still might. But...we’re going to be patient, you know? We need to be patient and just wait and see. Pretty soon, the pain is going to hit him. The surgery he had was major. And as soon as he’s stable enough, we want to repair his shoulder.”

“Can’t that wait awhile?” Roman wondered.

“It could,” Lily said. “But the longer we wait, the more permanent nerve damage he’s going to have and we don’t want that if we can help it either. I don’t know...there’s probably not a perfect answer here. But that shoulder’s going to cause him pain too, so I think the sooner we can get it fixed…”

Roman nodded.

“I guess that makes sense. Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“Have you heard from Jessie? Like at all?”

Lily sighed.

“Aside from her thanking me any time I send her an update? No. I haven’t.”

“That...doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t want to be with him anymore. Does it?”

“It doesn’t have to mean that, no,” Lily replied. “I have a feeling her parents aren’t too excited about this for whatever reason. Remember how they made her go home the first night?”

“Yeah...that’s true. I just...if she breaks up with him NOW, it’s gonna be bad.”

“I know. But we’re in wait-and-see mode on a lot of things, Ro.”

Roman snuggled up against her and before long, he was also asleep.

Lily woke up the next morning to a text from Tony.

_I think it might be better if you came out here by yourself first._

She didn’t have to ask for confirmation of what he meant. Instead, she just responded with,

_Anything from home you think he’ll need?_

To which Tony responded,

_Anything that you think might distract him._

Lily sighed. 

_That bad?_

She ran her fingers through Roman’s hair as she waited for Tony’s response. 

_He says it’s a pretty constant 7._

Lily sighed again. 

If Dean’s pain meds were working in perfect order, his pain shouldn’t be anywhere near a 7. A 7 was pretty high, and on morphine, he should be resting pretty comfortably. Something needed to be adjusted. 

Her fears were realized when she got off the elevator and realized that she could hear her son from there. It reminded her, actually, of the time, years ago, when he’d first been hospitalized after Shelby’s boyfriend raped him and beat him up, only this time instead of screaming, it was a low, forlorn moan. The second she walked through the door, he whimpered, 

“Mommy…” 

“Hi, sweetie,” Lily cooed, taking her place beside him, taking his hand. He was so pale, and sweating profusely. Every so often, his back would arch as he moaned. 

“Mommy...it hurts,” Dean had tears in his eyes. Tony went to get a nurse, and when she came back, they consulted. 

“He needs more of...something.” Lily said. 

“Well, we can insert a morphine pump and that’ll give him a little boost but you can only do it about every 5 minutes or so. It only allows for a certain number of pumps in an hour. That might be our best bet.” 

Lily and Tony agreed. It was important that Dean be able to rest. 

“Mommy...pleeeasseeee…” a broken sob escaped her son, and Lily instantly slipped beside him, picked up his hand, and used her other hand to stroke back his hair away from his face. Over the past couple of days, she had learned how to navigate the maze of tubing and wires that were still coming out of Dean, though in truth, the tubes were also shrinking in number. 

“Shhhh...the nurse is going to give you more medicine,” Lily tried to calmly comfort her son. “It’s okay, sweetie...it’s okay…” 

“Mama…” Dean didn’t seem to be hearing her, and seeing him in so much pain was slowly cracking her resolve. She felt tears spring to her eyes. 

“I’m right here,” she stroked his undamaged arm. “I’m right here, sweetheart. I know it hurts. Gotta try and relax, baby. Can you breathe with me? Deep and slow?” 

“Uhhhhnnnnn,” Dean moaned. It wasn’t working, and Lily sighed. 

“Mama...oh Mama...Daddy? Somebody make it go away,” Dean was sobbing now, his parents’ gentle attempts at calming him seemingly in vain. Finally, FINALLY, his nurse returned with the PCA pump needed to attach to Dean’s IV. 

“Here we go,” Lily continued to soothe her baby. “This will help.” 

“No...no,” sniffled Dean. He couldn’t really move, but he was trying to writhe, to stretch, to do...something. 

“Mama…” he continued to whimper. 

“I’m here. I’m here, love. I’m right here. 

“Mama...Daddy…” Dean was near babbling now, and something occurred to Lily that she hadn’t thought of before. 

“Oh, baby...you’re scared...it’s okay to be scared, sweetie pie. I love you, sweetheart.” 

Deciding it was okay to let Dean cry for awhile, Lily kicked off her shoes and as carefully as she could, snaked her way under the tubes, and slipped right beside her Dean. 

“I’m here, sweetie,” she murmured. “Just rest. I’m here.” And Dean turned his head so that his face was nestled into her neck, and in moments, he was asleep. 


	79. What Friends (and Brothers) Are For

Dean had been in a fair amount of pain over the course of his lifetime. 

The very first time he ever remembered feeling physical hurt was when he was probably about two, maybe three, but not much older than toddler age. The burner had been a beautiful orangish red, and he’d just wanted to touch it. Back then, he had no idea that meant hot and hot meant ouch, so he went ahead and grabbed the burner.

Of course, even then he knew enough to let go the second it seared his skin, the accompanying howl enough to wake the dead but not to wake his mother, who had passed out from whatever she was using and didn’t even know she’d left the burner on.

Dean could remember it more clearly now in his drug induced stupor than he ever could when he was awake, and he didn’t want to let his brain go there but he couldn’t seem to help it.

He recalled sobbing hysterically, trying to suck on his two fingers, and no relief in sight. Actually, maybe his dosed up memory wasn’t that great because come to think of it, he had no recollection of the burn actually getting better and obviously, it had. Knowing Shelby, though, she had probably let it hurt for as long as it took to heal on its own.

There were other instances too: beatings from boyfriends, a broken arm (“he fell down the stairs,” Shelby had lied), various illnesses, and even once he’d been brought home by his parents, the only difference now was the injuries weren’t mom-induced. The worst thing Lily had ever done to him was step on his toes, and that had been his own fault anyway.

None of that held a candle to the pain he was in after surgery though.

The worst part was, aside from sobs and moans, he just couldn’t communicate very well to his parents how he was feeling. His words slurred, melted together into a liquid blend of sound that meant nothing to anyone but him. His parents weren’t dopes; they knew it hurt, and he had managed somehow to whimper “7” when his father had asked. And Lily, God love her, had the sense to hold him after they’d started the morphine pump, which was way better than any narcotic. It didn’t always help though.

As a matter of fact, the morphine, while a nice idea, wasn’t terribly practical. Technically, he was supposed to operate the thing himself; you weren’t actually allowed to have someone do it for you. Something about overdosing or...something. The problem with this was, it took the edge off just enough for him to relax, but came back within 10 or 15 minutes and then he’d have to press the button again. This made it virtually impossible to get any real sleep. 

He shouldn’t have been so exhausted; all he could do was lay in bed and sob and wail and then settle against his mama or his daddy or whoever was closest. For as badly as it all hurt, Dean was remarkably aware of his surroundings, to be honest. He knew that someone was always with him, and sometimes more than one person. His brothers held his hands and talked to him when they were around. His parents touched him and rubbed his arms and face, stroked his hair, whatever they could do. But there was only one thing that really worked.

The second night after the morphine pump was added to his IV, Dean had felt the bed move. Mom was with him that night; it was her turn, so this meant that she was going to lay with him, at least for awhile. He was surprised though, when he felt her gently pry the button from his good hand.

“Rules be damned,” he heard whispered into his ear, and then he heard the soft, telltale click of the morphine being activated. He sighed as a small wave of relief washed over him, and soon realized that his mother was going to do this for awhile. Eventually the scream of pain became nothing more than a murmur and the next time he felt it again, it was morning. 

He didn’t know how long he’d slept; he only knew that the sleep had helped, because eventhough pain woke him, he was still able to, coherently, murmur,

“Mama? I love you. Thank you.”

Lily’s eyes filled with tears as she leaned over to kiss his cheek.

“I love you too, sweetie.”

Then Dean thought of something.

“Jessie?”

Lily didn’t have to answer him for him to know that Jessie hadn’t been around. Her expression said it all. 

“I’ve texted her a few times to let her know how you’re doing, sweetness. She always replies. I wonder if the whole thing just scares her a little…”

Dean just sighed, then let his mom wrap her arm around him and smooth his hair off of his face. He didn’t want to talk about it really. He was relieved when instead of pushing it, Mama just nuzzled him gently and began to sing softly in his ear.

The other thing Dean didn’t want to talk about was Patrick. 

No one ever brought Patrick up, and Dean didn’t ask. He didn’t need to. He knew his friend was gone. He’d known since he had watched in horror as his buddy had crashed headfirst into a dirt-packed hill. He’d swerved then to avoid running Patrick over, which was dumb really, because it’s not like Dean could have hurt him worse, but running over his friend’s body just felt...wrong. 

When he swerved, that’s when it started. Dean lost control of his bike and wound up on his back with it on top of him. Before he could move out of the way, everything was on top of him and he’d blacked out. 

He wondered if they’d had Patrick’s funeral yet.

Once again, he felt tears dampen his eyes, but they weren’t tears of pain this time. His mother must’ve noticed her neck growing damp, because she just murmured,

“It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you,” before clicking the button on the morphine pump and softly caressing his cheek. Dean didn’t bother to fight the warm darkness engulfing him. Instead, he closed his eyes and just allowed himself to sleep.

 

________________________________________________

 

Seth hated funerals. 

Of course he realized that no one really LIKED them. Of course he knew that. But knowing that didn’t make going to this one any easier. 

Because this one was for an 18-year-old, and that just felt so...wrong.

Sure, Papa Angelo’s death had been sad; it was still sad even a year and a half later, but Papa had been 90. His death could hardly be called a tragedy; more like his life was heralded as a legacy, because he had lived it so fully and touched so many and experienced so much.

Patrick would never experience anything ever again. The thought made Seth’s stomach all turn into knots.

He didn’t want to go, and both Mom and Dad had made it very clear from the beginning that no one was expected to. They agreed that Mama would take anyone who wanted to attend while Dad would stay at the hospital with Dean, because they didn’t want to leave him alone either. But Seth knew he wasn’t going to miss it. He knew he needed to be there for Noah.

Noah Miller had been Seth’s very first real friend, besides Roman and Dean, of course. In fact, it was kind of because Seth and Noah became friends that Dean and Patrick had become friends, though it was probable that they’d have found each other at camp eventually. Even still, while Dean and Patrick had talked and even hung out once in awhile, Seth and Noah texted daily and often met up at the community center to play basketball or work out. Once in awhile, they even got together to go to the movies. It wasn’t like his relationship with his brothers; not even close. But Noah and Seth had a great deal in common and they understood each other.

Noah had been sexually assaulted too. He got how hard things could be. And he never judged Seth, which meant a lot. He’d even come over with sodas and video  
games a few days after Katie broke up with Seth so they could hang out and hopefully take Seth’s mind off of things.

So no, Seth didn’t want to go anywhere near that funeral, but his friend needed him, and he was going. So was Roman. Patrick and Noah’s oldest brother, Simon, had been away at college, but he and Roman always got on pretty well even though Simon was a couple of years older.

While they were getting ready, Roman confessed something to Seth.

“Do you think it’s wrong for me to feel guilty?”

“Guilty about what?” Seth was confused; Roman hadn’t done anything wrong that Seth could think of. 

“Because Dean is still alive and Patrick isn’t…”

“But...the alternative is…” Seth didn’t need to finish. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I know. And believe me, that’s NOT what I want, I just...it kind of feels like...we’re rubbing it in. That our brother is still alive and there’s isn’t.”

Seth hadn’t thought about it but Roman DID have a point…

“Still...we need to pay our respects, right?”

“Yeah...yeah, I guess. Just...this whole thing? It sucks. It sucks balls. Big hairy ones.”

Seth found himself stifling a giggle at this, because while this wasn’t funny, not even a little bit funny, that was SO something Dean would say and to hear it coming out of Roman was just...humorous.

Roman eyeballed him for a moment, then smiled softly.

“I love you, little bro,” he told Seth softly. “And I love Dean. It just breaks my heart that Simon’s never going to be able to say that to Patrick again.”

“I get that. And you can go to the hospital after this and tell Dean all day long.”

“I can tell him til he gets so mad at me for being so sappy that he says something so totally Dean and then I can tell him again…”

Seth smiled now, a gentle smirk.

“We got lucky,” he whispered to Roman, who nodded. 

 

__________________________________________

 

Dean’s recovery was slow. As soon as he was stable enough from his abdominal surgery, they went ahead and repaired his shoulder as well. This meant a lot of agonizing hours in the hospital bed begging whoever was nearby to hit the button on his morphine pump.

It took its toll on everyone, so Roman dutifully tried to do other things with Seth whenever the opportunity presented itself.

Creek Ridge High School required all seniors to put together a Senior service project. It was not due until the end of the year, but it was basically the one project for an entire humanities credit, so waiting until May to begin would not have been wise. This is what caused Roman and Megan to meet up one rainy Saturday in early November at a local coffee shop called Perks. Roman invited Seth to tag along, figuring that maybe afterwards, they could go to the mall and find a gift of some sort for Dean and maybe even do some early Christmas shopping. Perks made a mean breakfast burrito and Seth loved coffee, so he agreed to come with.

He wasn’t aware that Megan was also bringing Katie.

To be fair, Roman hadn’t told her that he was bringing Seth, though he kind of thought she would’ve figured, since Seth went with Roman pretty much all the time these days, but whatever. Seth took one look at Katie and practically latched on to his brother. 

They ordered; breakfast burritos for Seth and Roman, bacon paninis for the girls, and everyone ordered regular coffee, but Perks had a coffee bar with pretty much anything you might want to add: cream, milk, soy milk, sugar, stevia, cinnamon, honey...Seth LOVED to sweeten his coffee with honey, and he’d recently gotten Roman to try it as well. Even Dean was a fan, though he added so much honey and cream that you really couldn’t call it coffee anymore.

As Roman and Megan engrossed themselves in their brainstorming, neither of them could help but notice that Seth and Katie were eyeballing each other, but it wasn’t long before they stopped paying attention in favor of making a list of potential projects.

“It said we don’t have to spend our own money,” Megan said. “In fact, they’re prefer we didn’t, which is good because I don’t have any.”

Roman grinned.

“Me neither. I don’t want to ask my parents for anything extra. They’ve got enough right now.”

Megan nodded her agreement. 

“It’s been tight since Dad lost his job.”

Megan’s father, Jack Laird, worked in the oilfields, but that was only reliable part of the time. 

Roman nodded.

“Okay, so something that doesn’t cost anything. What if...we volunteer at a soup kitchen?”

“Just doing that once isn’t going to cut it; look at all of these requirements we have to fill.” Megan handed him the rubric. “This is hard, Roman!”

“Well, what are you passionate about?”

“You. Basketball. My family…”

“Sooo...what if you approached a girls’ home or community center and see about putting on a basketball clinic? I’ll bet you could borrow the equipment from the school. Some of the other seniors on the team might even get involved. You could do a group project…”

“Baby, that’s a really really good idea,” Megan began. “But...I sort of wanted to do something with YOU.”

Roman’s heart skipped a beat a little. She wanted to work with HIM...even a year after their first date in his parents’ dining room, it still sometimes astounded Roman that here this girl, this wonderful, amazing, beautiful girl, wanted to be with HIM.

He knew his eyes probably looked dopey but he gazed at her and grinned.

“Okay. Let’s think of something we can do together, then.”

They kicked around a few ideas but soon were approached by Katie.

“Can we please go home?” 

Megan looked at her, then over at Seth, who was sitting in a big cushy chair, staring down at his coffee cup.

“Yeah,” she finally said, shooting Roman an apologetic look. He didn’t blame her though; Katie looked distressed, and he fully intended to interrogate Seth as soon as they were in the car.

After the girls were gone, Roman stood and approached his brother, who didn’t look up, just said,

“Guess we’re going now?”

“Do you want to?” Roman asked him quietly. “I’ve got all day…”

Seth looked up then.

“She said she made a mistake,” Seth whispered. “She said she misses me and she wants us to go out again, and she promised not to touch me until I’m ready.”

“Well...okay,” Roman replied gently. “How do you feel about that?”

“I don’t...I told her that we can be friends,” Seth whispered. “But right now, I just can’t trust her with more than that.”


	80. Help

It had been a little over a week since Dean had his accident, two days since the second surgery to repair his badly damaged shoulder, and overall, Tony thought he was doing better.

The doctors had casted his fractured leg while he was still under the anesthesia from his shoulder, so that was done. Lily and Tony had been assured that it was a minor fracture, and it should heal nicely just in a cast and then a walking boot. Dean still had intense pain periodically, but the morphine pump had been taken away and a percoset at bedtime usually took care of it.

So the ball began to roll to take their boy home, which created a few problems. 

For one, getting around the house would be difficult. It would be another four weeks before he’d get a walking cast, and with his shoulder out of commission, crutches were out of the question. He’d require a wheelchair, and the house was hardly equipped for that. Tony figured, though, that he, Roman, and Seth could probably build a ramp in the garage, maybe even one down from the back patio somehow. Dean could conceivably spend the majority of his day in bed or on the couch, or snuggling with his mother, who, Tony knew, had no intention of that boy going one minute not being lavished with love and attention. He found himself, not for the first time, feeling pretty relieved that she no longer worked.

The bigger problem, though, was going to be this: how to keep Dean entertained and from going crazy for the four weeks he was confined to the house? Of course, he didn’t HAVE to be confined to the house, and on weekends likely wouldn’t be. Roman could scoop Dean up like it was nothing and then they could take him wherever. But five long days between Sunday and Saturday were likely to drive Dean (and probably Lily) insane.

There would be school work, of course, and video games, but a boy could only do so much of that, right?

And a bored Dean was...well, honestly, a bored Dean was a dangerous Dean.

He’d find a million ways to get into trouble, most of which would be nearly impossible from bed, but he’d do it anyway. That was just the way his boy rolled.

Tony would have to think about it another time, though. Right now, he was taking Roman and Seth to the batting cages. 

It was a favorite pastime of him and his boys, to run out to the cages to work off some steam and then it was usually followed by dinner at a sports grill called Hudson’s. Lily and Dean were cozied up at the hospital. Wrestling was on TV, they had the blanket from Dean’s bed, and Lily was trying to coax him into eating some of the cafeteria meatloaf he had asked for. They’d be fine. Roman and Seth, though, definitely needed to work out some frustration.

It had been a tough week for all of them.

Tony saw, for example, the way Roman went to school all day, went to football practice, came to the hospital, showered, did his homework while talking to his little brother, ate dinner, then went home to do it all over again the next day. His eyes looked tired and somehow older. Then there was Seth, who immediately raced over to the hospital the second the final bell rang; a couple of times he had looked for Jessie, but she had eluded him, so he just went on and arrived as early as he could. Most mornings, the boys got up early and stopped by to tell Dean hi before heading off to Creek Ridge. They were both exhausted.

Tony also knew, from Lily’s information and from his own observation, that Roman wasn’t sleeping very well and Seth seemed to not be sleeping at all. Lily seemed on the verge of tears almost all the time. Tony knew he was snappier than he meant to be sometimes. It was just a rough situation, and it was wearing them all down.

So with his wife and middle son settled, Tony took his oldest and his youngest off to the cages, where Roman immediately began swinging with intent to kill. Seth just watched him.

“Dude...I get you’re pissed but---”

“Not pissed.” Roman interrupted.

“No? You just took the skin off that ball and it only went 10 feet.”

“Not pissed. Just...just need to…” Roman didn’t finish his sentence, but neither Seth nor Tony needed him to. He needed to crush the ball until the anger and fear inside him withered and he felt like Roman again. Tony was more than happy to allow that, so he focused his attention on Seth.

“Go on, bub. Give it your best shot.”

Now, the boys loved the cages and they went about once a month, but Seth was far less competitive than Roman or Dean, and also had less upper body strength. His precision was spot on, but he rarely hit the ball incredibly hard. Tonight, though? Tonight he was nailing every single one of them and nailing them HARD. Tony lost count of how many times the automated pitcher yelled “homerun!” Both boys, actually, once Roman found his groove, were really letting them fly. When they were finally done, they kind of sagged against each other, sweat dripping off their faces.

“You guys feel better?” Tony asked quietly. 

Both boys nodded.

“I needed that,” Seth said calmly, and Roman smiled.

“Thanks, Dad. I don’t know how you always know, but thanks for always knowing.”

 

______________________________________________

 

Lily wondered how hard it would be to just take Dean home. He required a lot less medicine than he had the last time. Sure, the whole excess broken bones thing was a pain, but it wasn’t impossible to deal with either. A manual wheelchair could be pushed over carpet, and Tony almost seemed excited at the prospect of building a ramp with Roman and Seth. 

The doctors were concerned about basic day to day things like peeing, but Lily was sure that with some help balancing, Dean could probably pee standing up with minimal trouble. And if he couldn‘t, well, they had plastic bottles at the house. 

The hospital wasn’t really doing a better job of managing his pain than she could, either, so there really wasn’t a good argument for keeping him there. 

Except...what if he fell when she was alone with him? She couldn’t carry him; at most she could try to catch him, which could result in injury to them both. So what did she do? Dean was relaxing against her, only half awake. Wrestling had ended but they’d managed to find old Tom and Jerry cartoons. He was paying just enough attention to let out a giggle periodically. Lily found this adorable.

“I love you, sweetie,” she murmured to him softly, and he cozied up even closer to her.

“I love you, Mama. Mama?” Dean gazed up at her, blue eyes marred by mild confusion but still full of recognition.

“Yeah?”

“Why hasn’t Jessie come?”

“I don’t know, baby. Hospitals scare some people. Maybe she just...wasn’t sure she was ready to see you hurting.”

Dean sighed and closed his eyes.

“I’m ready to go home,” he confided.

“I bet you are,” Lily replied. “Daddy and I are working on that. You know you’d be pretty much confined to bed, right? For at least the next 4 weeks. I mean, we’ll get a wheelchair and stuff but for the most part, rest. Would you still be okay with that?”

Dean wrinkled his nose.

“Rest is boring,” he said, “but probably not as boring as here.”

“No, probably not,” Lily agreed. “At least at home you’ve got your books and video games and computer and stuff. Hard to use that here.”

“Cuz the WIFI is shitty,” Dean mumbled. Lily grinned. 

“That’s for sure.”

“I just hate this,” Dean whispered suddenly.

“You hate what?”

“Being here all trapped and hurt. I miss my bed. And the dogs. And good food. And being able to DO shit...we aren’t going to New York for Thanksgiving anymore, are we.”

Lily sighed.

“Probably not, baby.”

Dean cast his eyes down.

“Last year I was all mad at Roman because we couldn’t go...and now it’s all MY fault.”

“It’s not your fault, Dean. You had an accident. That’s all. And sometimes, that’s life. Do you think you’d be comfortable flying to New York right now?”

“No. I don’t. I just...it isn’t fair, Mama. I want to go home and I want this to be all over.”

Lily’s fingers found Dean’s hair.

“I know, baby boy. I know. Soon. Just rest for now okay?”

But Dean was already asleep.

During the night, Lily heard commotion in the hallway. She hadn’t really been asleep; she’d been laying with her cheek on top of Dean’s head. Dean had been given his evening meds so he was out like a light. Lily was just about to chalk it up to another patient or maybe a grieving family member when she realized she recognized one of the voices.

She got up and made her way to Dean’s door and poked her head out and although she knew who was there, she was still shocked.

It was Jessie.

A nurse was trying to explain to her that no one was allowed to visit this late; that only immediate family members could be there, and Jessie was begging, pleading to be let in.

“Hey.”

At Lily’s soft word, both of them looked up. Lily looked at the nurse.

“It’s okay.” Then she motioned Jessie over.

She looked awful.

Her face was tear-stained and her nose was running but what stood out the most were the small fingerprint shaped bruises surrounding her left forearm. They weren’t big but they were angry and purple and looked fresh. Lily had seen plenty of cases of abuse; her own Seth had similar but larger bruises around his arms after he had been held down…

Lily took Jessie’s hand and guided her into Dean’s room, then to the small loveseat and sat down beside her. Jessie was staring over at Dean.

“He looks awful,” she whispered with a soft laugh.

“You should’ve seen him last week,” said Lily without thinking, and she immediately felt guilty when she saw the crestfallen look on Jessie’s face.

“I wanted to come,” she murmured, standing and slipping to Dean’s side. She picked up his hand gently. “I just...I wouldn’t blame him if he never forgave me but...I just couldn’t.”

“You’re here now,” Lily told her quietly. “That counts.”

“Not for much,” Jessie whispered. “He’s too good for me.”

“Funny,” Lily replied. “I think he thinks you’re too good for him.”

“How could he ever think that?”

“Dean...was 11 years old before he ever really experienced what it is to be loved. I think sometimes deep down he still feels like he doesn’t deserve it, even though everything...everything we’ve provided, everything we’ve given him, every second that I have loved that boy...to us, it’s not enough. Funny right? To him it’s too much, and we wish we could give him more.”

“I’ll still never know how someone could treat him so badly,” Jessie whispered.

“Believe me, sunshine. The fact that he’s opened up to you about that definitely means that you’re just right for him.”

“Is...is he mad at me?”

“He’s...no. Not mad. A little confused, I think. But I think…Dean is wise beyond his years, girlie. I think he’ll understand when you explain.”

Jessie’s face crumbled then.

“I can’t...I don’t think I can explain,” she whispered, tears beginning to flow then. Lily held up her arms.

“Come here,” she said. And Jessie let go of Dean’s hand and slowly crept into Lily’s embrace.

“I shouldn’t be here,” she whispered. “But I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Jessie, is someone hurting you?” Lily asked her gently.

Jessie didn’t answer.

“If someone’s hurting you, you can tell me. Tony and I can help. We WANT to help.”

“Why would you want to help me?” Jessie mumbled. “We barely know each other.”

“Because you’re important to our son,” Lily told her calmly. “And that means you’re important to us.” Lily gently traced one of Jessie’s bruises. 

“These aren’t big enough to be from your dad,” she said. Jessie just looked at her and shook her head.

“Don’t,” she whispered. “Please.”

“It isn’t your fault, Jessie,” Lily started slowly rubbing her back. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to do. But you CAN talk to me.”

“How do you know it isn’t my fault?”

“Because nobody, no matter what they’ve done, deserves to be hurt as punishment.”

“It wasn’t a punishment. At least it wasn’t MY punishment.”

And that’s when it hit Lily like a ton of bricks.

“Jessie...are they doing something to your brother?”

One look told Lily that she’d nailed it, but Jessie clearly felt she’d said too much.

“I should go.”

“Jessie. Listen to me, love. Let me help---”

“No. No, you can’t help. I’ll take care of it. Just...just tell Dean I love him. Please? Just tell him...tell him he’s the best person I’ve ever met. And tell him...tell him I’m sorry.”

With that, Jessie stood up and fled the room, leaving Lily furious, slightly baffled, and knowing there was absolutely no chance that she could just let this go.

 

_____________________________________________

 

 

The day Dean came home, Roman and Seth were permitted to skip school. Coach Tarango even said that, just this once, Roman didn’t have to come to football practice, but Roman decided to go out to school for that anyway. That was cool with Seth. He loved his oldest brother, of course, but he also wanted to spend some quiet time with Dean.

They’d helped their dad build a wheelchair ramp in the garage and then another one off of the back porch, in case Dean ever wanted to go sit outside. It was the second week of November, and still in the high 50’s most days. 

The second Dean was helped into his own bed, he visibly relaxed. It was good to see. Roman and Seth huddled around him and ate a lunch of sandwiches and grapes. Mom and Dad had disappeared shortly after getting Dean settled, which Seth thought was odd but he didn’t ask questions; he was just happy to be with Roman and Dean in their own house hanging out. Dean even started throwing grapes at them with his good arm and laughing hysterically when they attempted to dodge. After awhile, Roman and Seth gave up and a complete grape war began. If it hadn’t been for all of the plaster surrounding their brother, it would have been almost just like normal.

Dean’s right side was casted from his neck to his wrist, with a layer crossing his chest and looping around his neck on the other side. He’d only have to stay like that about four weeks, their mom explained, and then he’d get that removed and be put in a much shorter cast with a sling. That would be about the same time as he was put in the walking cast, and that was when they would start to discuss his return to school.

Soon enough, Dean grew tired (another thing that made this not entirely normal) so Roman and Seth cleaned up the grapes and settled on their brother’s bed. 

“Wanna watch American Horror Story?” Seth asked.

“Dude, you KNOW I don’t,” Dean muttered. Dean wasn’t scared of much, but things that involved ghosts and such unnerved him. It was a wonder he loved  
Halloween as much as he did. 

“How about...Big Bang Theory?” Roman suggested.

“Yeah. Yeah, way better,” Dean agreed.

It wasn’t long before Dean fell asleep and Roman had to leave for practice, so Seth got up and wandered out to the kitchen to work on his homework. When he  
walked in, he noticed his father talking on his phone, and it seemed strange to Seth that Tony immediately left the room the second Seth walked into it.

Shortly after, Lily came in.

“Mom? Is Dad okay?”

“Yeah...why?” Lily asked, with a look on her face that told Seth that she knew exactly why.

“He just...looked pretty intense just now, I guess,” Seth murmured. Lily reached for him and offered a hug, which he gladly accepted.

“It’s been a long, hard couple of weeks for all of us, bub. No worries, huh? Hey---why is Dean sleeping on smashed grapes?”

This brought a laugh out of Seth.

“We sort of had a food fight earlier...I thought Roman and I got them all. Sorry about that…”

Lily laughed too.

“It’s okay. That kind of thing is good for all three of you, I think.”

“Yeah...it was fun. Dean looks pretty good…”

“I agree. It’s good that he’s home. It’s good for all of us. You know, you feel for him. The pain, the fear, the containment, just...all of it has to suck. But it’s pretty hard for everyone else too.”

“I’m just glad he’s going to be fine,” Seth said. “But I’m ready for everyone to be healthy again.”

“I know. Me too. Hey---bub, do you remember, is there a wheelchair ramp at the stadium?”

Seth immediately knew where she was going with this, and his face lit up.

“I think there has to be doesn’t there? I mean isn’t it the law? Can we really go?”

“If Dean says he feels up to it and we can get him in? I don’t see any reason why we can’t. Not too many things more Girardi than watching Roman play ball, right?” Lily rubbed Seth’s arm. “And you know what that means…”

He grinned.

“We need to make signs!” Seth exclaimed.


	81. I Hate You (but Not Really)

The game was incredible. Dean didn’t even care that he was there in a wheelchair, holding a sign with his one good hand and covered in a blanket and probably looking fairly feeble. He didn’t care in the slightest. His parents had helped him into his Creek Ridge t-shirt and some loose sweatpants that he could pull up around his cast, and they’d helped him into the Escalade. 

And now, here he sat.

There was a cool breeze that night that softly blew his hair off of his face, and the energy in the stadium was electric as usual. Dean absolutely loved it. Roman even picked him out of the crowd and made a peace sign over his heart, which Dean immediately recognized as his brother’s way of letting him know that this game was for him. He was exhausted by the time he got home, and he fell asleep the second he was laid in bed, but he went to bed happy and he woke up happy.

Unfortunately, that didn’t last.

Saturdays in the Girardi household typically consisted of family time that just usually couldn’t happen during the week. Dean loved being home alone with his mom, who helped him pass the time by drawing him pictures (she wasn’t as good as he was but she didn’t stink), watching movies with him, singing to him, reading to him, or making up long, drawn out ridiculous stories that usually involved a handsome prince named Dean who lived in a cotton candy castle and had two peasant servants named Roman and Seth. When he got tired and cranky, she never got impatient; she just snuggled with him until he felt better or fell asleep, whichever happened first. They played games. She even tried her hand at Halo, though she definitely wasn’t good at it.

Much as Dean enjoyed the one-on-one time, however, he lived for when Roman and Seth came home and they could laugh and talk and play Halo properly. They worked on homework together, goofed around, and then when Dad got home, life almost felt right again. So weekends were kind of Dean’s nirvana at the moment; he was surrounded by his entire family and that’s what was keeping him sane.

Dean should’ve guessed something was going on when his parents sent Roman and Seth off to the grocery store with a list of his favorite foods, his father insisting that it was still plenty warm to cook out, and anyway, when was the last time any of them had enjoyed a good steak? So they went off to get groceries, and once they had gone, Lily and Tony came into Dean’s room and each of them sat on the edge of his bed.

“Sweetie? We need to talk to you,” Lily began, and immediately Dean knew this was gonna get real serious real fast.

“Okay...why? Do I have to go back to the hospital? Please don’t make me go back to the hospital, Mom, I promise I’ll behave myself, just---”

“No, Dean,” Lily interrupted him gently, taking his hand. “We need to talk to you about Jessie.”

The subject of Jessie was a bit of a bone of contention lately. He’d texted her on Wednesday to let her know he was home, and he hadn’t heard a word. It bothered him a lot, but until he could figure out a way to see her face to face, he knew there just wasn’t a whole lot he could do about it. 

Still, at the mention of her name, he felt hopeful. Maybe his parents had an idea.

He was not at all prepared for what they had to say.

“Dean, she came to see you two nights before you were released,” Tony began. “She showed up at about 2 am, and you were asleep, so she and Mama talked for awhile.”

“She said she misses you, and she felt bad that she hadn’t communicated very well,” Lily picked it up. “But...Dean...when she was there she had bruises around her wrist. Looked like she had been grabbed and squeezed. I asked her if she was okay. I told her if she talked to me I’d help her. But she said she couldn’t be helped. The whole thing was weird. She kind of indicated that maybe someone was doing something to her brother.”

“Someone hurt Brett?” Rage surged through Dean at the thought of anyone causing pain to Jessie’s beautiful, hilarious brother. 

“At the time I wasn’t 100% sure but that’s what I took away from the conversation,” Lily replied. 

“So...what did you do?” Something was dawning on Dean, and not a pleasant something.

“I had a talk with Daddy,” began Lily.

“And then I called Cassie,” Tony continued. “We had to make sure Jessie and Brett were safe.”

“Okay, yes, but then what happened?” Dean demanded.

“Cassie opened an investigation and...Dean, I don’t know what was going on; I CAN’T know, but...DCF removed them from the home on Thursday.”

“TWO DAYS AGO?” Dean exploded. “Two DAYS and you’re just now telling me?”

“I know...I’m sorry,” Lily told him quietly. “I wanted Daddy to be here so we could all discuss this---”

“What happened to them?” Dean spat out, knowing he sounded awful but not really caring.

“I don’t know for sure, sweetie,” Lily was trying to placate him, which only served to make Dean angrier.

“Did they get separated?” The thought hit him like a ton of bricks; the last thing Jessie would want was to be separated from Brett.

“Dean, it’s---Brett is profoundly autistic. There aren’t a lot of foster families that are capable of giving him what he needs.”

“Brett is not autistic,” Dean snapped. “Brett has autism. He’s not defined by that. Why can’t we take care of him? Mom, Dad, why can’t they both come live here? We have room. They can share my room and I’ll sleep on the couch. They just...they can’t be separated. It’ll kill her.”

“Oh, baby, we can’t keep them here,” Lily began.

“Why not? You took the three of us in. You SAID everyone deserves a chance.”

“I know that, but Brett needs good professional help.”

Anger surged through Dean. He could feel it pounding in his ears, making his skull throb, and he could barely contain the tears prickling his eyes.

“She’d take care of him. She was willing to take care of him. Mama…”

“She’s not even 17, sweetie, I---there isn’t a lot she could do for him on her own. It’s a temporary situation. It just---” Lily started but Dean cut her off.

“But what if it isn’t? What if she never sees Brett again. What if---what if I never see HER again?”

“Dean.” Lily must’ve been able to sense his distress because she went to lay her hand on his cheek, but he pulled away from her.

“No,” he whispered, tears welling in his eyes. The one of the best things that had ever happened to Dean was being taken away from him by his very own parents.

“Oh, baby,” Lily wrapped her arms around him, stroking his cheek, totally taking advantage of the fact that Dean couldn’t get very far in his current situation. The tears began to overflow.

“I want to see her,” he sobbed. 

“I know. We know,” Tony tried to comfort him, but he wanted none of that.

“No you don’t,” Dean felt himself growing more and more upset. He wriggled out of Lily’s embrace. 

“You took her away,” Dean accused.

“Dean. Son.” Tony’s voice had a warning quality to it but Dean paid it no mind. 

“You took her away,” Dean repeated, crying harder now. “I love her and you took her away. I HATE YOU!”

Dean regretted the words the second they fell from his mouth; his mother looked like she’d been slapped and his father just looked furious.

“You do NOT speak to your mother that way,” Tony shouted at Dean, but Lily stopped him.

“Are you seriously yelling at him for yelling at me? What kind of sense does THAT make?” Lily demanded to know. “He’s allowed to be angry with me.”

Then she stood up and left the room, leaving Dean a sobbing mess and Tony wondering what the hell just happened.

 

______________________________________________________________

 

Lily was laying in bed snuggling with Stella, the schnauzer/heeler mix that she had rescued from the shelter years earlier. The dog was more than happy to get her ears scratched and lay on her back and get her belly rubbed, which was good because some unconditional affection was exactly what Lily needed.

She knew that Dean was just upset and that he did not really hate her. His words still stung, though. 

This was the first time any of them had ever said that. 

Lily knew that many teenagers had similar conversations with their parents, and she knew it was just his adrenaline talking but that really didn’t help.

And for GOD’s sake, what was Tony thinking, yelling at the boy like that? Since when did they solve anything in their family by yelling at each other? Lily sighed deeply into the dog.

“You need a bath,” she murmured to Stella, who raised her ears. The dogs all knew the b-word, and they all hated it.

“Hey, Lu?” Tony was standing in the doorway.

“What?”

“You okay?” 

“Yeah. I’ll be fine. He’s angry. He’s allowed to be angry. I just…” Lily trailed off, not at all sure how to finish that sentence.

“I know he’s angry,” Tony said. “I understand. It still doesn’t give him the right to talk to you like that. But I apologized to him for yelling. I didn’t mean to do that anyway; it just bothered me to hear him yelling at you.”

“Aw, T...I mean we dropped that bomb on him...how did we really expect him to take it? I mean to us, we got Jessie and Brett out of a bad situation. To him...we’re the reason he may never see her again.”

“But he’s going to see her again,” Tony began to protest.

“I know that but he doesn’t,” Lily replied. “And I know it’s because he didn’t let us get there, but still. He’s a teenager. He’s a teenager with two limbs in casts and a girl on his mind and raging hormones---isn’t that kind of the definition of tunnel vision?”

Tony laughed at this. 

“Okay. Yes. Yes, it probably is. Anyway, though, my point is, I apologized to him and he wants you to come back.”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay.”

Dean was still crying when Lily returned to his room, and she immediately felt a pang of guilt. She shouldn’t have walked out like she had. Apparently Tony wasn’t the only one who owed the boy an apology. Lily lay down beside him and tried to comfortably engulf him in her arms. The casts made it difficult but they managed.

“I’m sorry, Mama,” Dean moaned. “I don’t hate you. I’m so sorry.”

“Shhh...I know. I know you don’t. We’ve all said things we don’t mean when we get angry. I know you don’t hate me. It’s okay.”

“N-no, no it isn’t. I don’t hate you. I love you. I love you, Mama,” he whimpered against her, and she hugged him tighter.

“I know. I love you too. Shhhhh...don’t cry. I’m sorry too, baby. I shouldn’t have walked away from you, Dean. I know you just said that because you’re upset. I know. There’s more that Daddy and I want to tell you, sweetie. Don’t cry. It’s okay,” Lily’s heart was breaking for her boy. She knew he cared a great deal for Jessie, and she hated that everything had gotten so messed up.

“Dean?” Tony’s voice came from behind her. “I know you’re worried. So were we, and that’s why we had to make the call. Like Mom said, we don’t know exactly what was going on, but here’s what we do know. First of all, Jessie is in a wonderful foster home, and Mom and I offered to pay her tuition so she can continue to go to Creek Ridge. You’ll still see her, bud. And maybe it’ll even be better now. The couple she’s living with was never able to have children, just like Mom and me before we had you three. They’re going to love her and help her sort this out. And Brett is going to a school that is strictly for children who have autism. He’ll be exactly where he needs to be. And Jessie can visit him every day. Everything is going to work out, son.”

“What if she hates me?” Dean hiccuped.

“Why would she hate you?” Lily wondered.

“What if she blames me for all of this?”

“Dean...I’m sure she’s not too happy right now. But eventually I think she’ll understand. You know? She’s a pretty smart girl. She’ll get it. It might take time, but she’ll understand.”

“And buddy,” Tony interjected, “they’re safe now. Both of them. And I know this is easy for me to say because I don’t love her like you do, but I’d rather she be safe and angry.”

“Yeah...yeah, I guess,” Dean was slowly calming down, sagging against his parents now, exhausted from the whole ordeal, just exhausted in general. “But...you don’t think they were actually hurting HER?”

“We think...oh, buddy, it’s hard to peg,” Tony began. “But we suspect that they may have been somehow harming Brett, which in turn caused him to act out towards Jessie.”

“The bruises on her wrist that night were way to small to be caused by an adult male,” Lily chimed in. “A small woman, maybe, but I think Jessie’s own fingers were bigger than those bruises. Dean? Do you know what autism really is?"

Dean shook his head.

"A child who has autism---or an adult, it doesn't matter the age---it's like they're constantly overstimulated all the time. Something in Brett's brain just can't handle the things that go on around him, and when life gets too chaotic, he can't process like you or I can that it's temporary and pretty soon, everything will be normal and right again. Some kids have fits, some try to run, some get violent, some just kind of disappear inside themselves---everyone is different. We still don't know much about autism yet, but you know how when you met Brett he started talking about Pago Pago and you know his thing with watches and time?"

Dean nodded this time.

"That's a fairly common thing with people who have autism. They can't respond the way most people do, but they can find something that to them, somehow, makes perfect sense."

"I knew...she told me...some of that," Dean whispered, leaning heavily against his dad. "I knew he wasn't doing it to be funny, but he sure seemed happy when he made me laugh."

"That's because he may not necessarily grasp emotions, but he still knows laughter is usually positive," Tony told him.

"There are all different levels of autism, sweetie," Lily continued. "Some people with autism are extremely high-functioning. And some are very profound. Do you think Brett would ever be able to live on his own? And take care of himself?"

Dean considered this.

"No. I don't. He even has a thing on his shoelace that they attached to his sneaker that says who to call if he ever got found. Like a lost dog or something," Dean mumbled sadly.

"Oh, no, baby boy, don't look at it like that. I mean...oh, Dean, I don't know, from everything we've gathered, maybe that's exactly what his parents meant but realistically? It's a pretty good idea. It doesn't mean he's bad or dumb or anything like that. He's just different and he has very different needs from Jessie."

"Needs," Tony said, "that maybe his parents didn't understand. Maybe whatever's going on has always gone on, or maybe Brett's normal actions changed somehow, or maybe still nothing is going on, but regardless, Dean, we just had to know for sure."

"And I had told Jessie...that no one should ever be punished with violence, or something like that, and she said it wasn’t her punishment. Which immediately made me think about Brett. Cassie said they’d investigate, and then she called us yesterday and told us they’d been taken on Thursday and the parents are being looked at. I don’t think they’re in custody and it still might be nothing, but DCF found enough to at least pull the kids while they look into it.”

“I want you to arrest them, Daddy,” Dean turned to Tony. “I want them to go to jail forever.”

Lily stifled a giggle at her son’s sudden petulance, and Tony smiled at him.

“Not my jurisdiction, buddy. You know if I could, I’d put them away for life. Even if it turns out they did nothing except not provide the proper care that a child with autism needs to function, I’d still nail them to the wall.”

Dean finally smiled, a tiny little smile, but still a smile, and Lily hugged him even tighter.

“It’s hard,” she murmured softly into his hair. “It’s hard to see someone you love hurt. Daddy and I know, sweetie. We know.” 

Dean’s eyes closed and he reclined against Tony, though Lily could tell by his breathing that he wasn’t asleep. She heard the garage door open and the dogs begin to bark, so she her baby’s cheek and whispered,

“I want you to rest here with Dad for awhile. I’m going to help your brothers put the groceries away, and then I’ll fix you some lunch, okay?” 

Dean nodded but didn’t open his eyes, and Lily suspected he’d be asleep before she made it to the kitchen.


	82. Mr. Big Football Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over 10,000 hits?! Y'all are AMAZING!
> 
> Never has a chapter given me fits like this one. I'm sorry that took forever!

With Dean home, life suddenly became considerably less hectic, even with everything else Roman had on his plate. Just knowing his brother was comfortable and safe eased his tension considerably. Seth was obviously feeling better about life too, which was another huge source of relaxation for Roman. No matter how many times he was told he wasn’t responsible for his brothers, he knew, as the oldest, that he would always consider it his job to make sure they were okay.

Even when they were old men, he’d be there for them. Wild horses couldn’t keep him away.

He did currently have his own agenda, though. 

Creek Ridge made it to the Class B championship game again, and as a Senior, it was Roman’s goal, nevermind the whole TEAM’S goal, to win it. It was unlikely to be his last game ever or anything; he’d been accepted to the University of Houston on a full athletic scholarship and barring anything catastrophic happening over the course of his final year, he’d also have an academic scholarship waiting for him. It was, however, the last game of his high school career, and he was nothing less than expectant that he’d be able to perform at his highest level ever.

The other thing currently hanging heavy on his mind was that Megan hadn’t gotten an acceptance letter from Houston yet.

Her family didn’t have money like the Girardi’s did, so she basically had to have a scholarship to even go to school. Roman wished he could use his college fund to pay for her to go to Houston with him, but even if he could talk his own parents into it, he knew Megan and her parents would never agree. She’d been offered a basketball scholarship to the University of Texas, which was amazing and it made Roman EXTREMELY proud of her. But Austin and Houston were separated by 169 miles and three hours of highway, which might not seem like much, but they were two teenagers who had seen each other almost every day for their entire 13 month long relationship.

If she had to leave Houston, they’d both be devastated. It was a prospect he didn’t even care to think about.

Roman had to ride the school football bus out to Dallas for the big game, but he knew his parents and brothers were right behind it, and that made him happy. It was still hard for Dean to get around, and it was a long ride, and to be honest, Roman wasn’t totally sure how they were all going to get back in the same vehicle, because Dean’s casts required nearly as much space as Dean himself did, but Lily and Tony gently assured Roman that he didn’t need to worry about it; there was absolutely no chance that either of them was going to miss his game, and that meant Dean was coming along, because he wouldn’t miss it either.

He was kind of bummed that Megan couldn’t make it, but he understood. There wasn’t enough space, and anyway, where would she sleep? No one was sharing a bed with Dean, that much was certain. Roman wasn’t entirely sure where they were staying anyway. It was the weekend before Thanksgiving, and he knew that since the trip to New York had been put on hold, they intended to stay until Tuesday and start Christmas shopping. 

Although, now that Roman thought about it, it wasn’t like they had the extra space for that, either. 

He just had to trust his parents to work it out, though, because right about the time he knew things weren’t adding up, the bus arrived at the stadium.

The team Creek Ridge was playing this year was a Catholic school in El Paso, and actually, the Colts had played them at the very beginning of the season. Creek Ridge had won, but not by much. It wasn’t that Roman was nervous, exactly. They’d beaten this team once; they could do it again, for sure. It was more like...he always got a little keyed up at game time. But that was normal and usually it actually helped. 

As the team warmed up, Roman scanned the stands but he didn’t spot his parents. He was looking for Dean and Seth and their customary signs, but there was no trace of them yet. Nothing to worry about, though, he thought. He wondered if they were having a hard time getting Dean situated. 

The next time he managed to look for his family, he still couldn’t find them, but again, there was no cause for concern. Yet. The team disappeared back under the stadium and into the locker room to have their pre-game pep talk and take a knee before they officially took the field. Roman spoke to his team about pride, about how when he first became a Colt at the age of 9, he was scared, angry, and lonely, and now, as he was about to play his last game as a Colt, all he felt was proud. Proud, he told them, to have been able to work with such a dedicated group of guys, proud to be able to work with Coach Tarango, just proud in general of everything Creek Ridge had helped him accomplish. The tension was gone from his shoulders by the time he stopped talking, and the team was clearly ready.

They took the field, and one more time, Roman scanned the crowd for his family. Ahh, there they were. Dean in his chair down front, holding up a yellow poster sign with a custom-Dean drawing of Roman holding the football under his arm. One row behind him was Seth, holding a bright green poster that said, “Run RNG,” in similar style to the old Run DMC logo. And then, a row behind Seth, holding a neon pink sign was---wait. Megan?

The sign had black letters and said four simple words---Roman, I got in!

Roman immediately knew what this meant, and happiness practically exploded out of him. Megan was staying in Houston. They wouldn’t be separated. Everything was going to be fine. And now, he needed to truly focus on his team winning this game.

And they did.

The Colts scored a touchdown in the first 5 minutes, and while the game remained close the entire time, they never lost their lead. It was brilliant, heady, and perfect. And Roman was not at all ashamed to find himself in tears by the time it was over. 

He hugged his coach, his friends, all of his teammates, and then his family was there and first he picked up Megan and spun her around, and then kissed her and he didn’t care who was watching. Then he grabbed Seth, who was teary as well, and pulled him into a huge bearhug. Then Dean, poor Dean, he probably got a little rough with that hug, but Dean managed to give him a pretty decent one-armed hug back, and all was well after that. Until Roman finally laid his eyes on his parents.

Both of them were crying. And that was Roman’s undoing. One look at his mother and he dissolved into tears. She flung her arms around his neck.

“I can’t believe any of this,” she whispered into his ear. “My baby is a grown up now.”

By the time Roman was out of his uniform, out of the shower, and holding a bag of In and Out Burgers, it was near midnight before they checked into their hotel, an Embassy Suites in Frisco. Lily took him and Megan aside.

“Okay, guys,” she began. “The original plan was that Megan would sleep on the pullout in the suite with me and Dad, and you three boys would share. However.”

Lily flinched as Tony pushed Dean past her towards the elevator. Roman raised his eyebrows. Dean was whining like a child.

“But Daddddyyyyyyy, I don’t wannnnnnaaaaa…” Roman didn’t get to hear what Dean didn’t wanna do, because thankfully, the elevator arrived and Tony swiftly shoved Dean into it.

“However,” Lily continued calmly, “as you can see, your brother is in serious need of some quiet time. And I think it’s best that he stays near us, at least for tonight. Which means you three,” Lily pointed to Roman, Megan, and Seth, “are on your own.”

It seemed to occur to all three of them at the exact second what that meant.

“Now, I know this wasn’t the plan and I’m sorry. We didn’t account for the toll this long ass day would take on Dean or we maybe could’ve done it differently but I’m trusting you guys to make the right choices tonight.”

Roman had an idea of what she meant, and she had nothing to worry about; no way was anything going to happen between him and Megan with Seth so close by. 

It would be nice to be near her tonight, though. By then they’d all made it up to their floor and as Lily dropped the three of them off at their room, they heard the unmistakable wail of Dean a few doors down. 

“Okay. They serve breakfast from 7-10. It’s good breakfast too, guys, so I’d take advantage. We’re just going to take tomorrow easy. Behave!” 

And then their mother scurried off towards her own room.

It took Seth all of four seconds to decide that he wanted to sleep on the pullout in the other room. Roman offered Megan the bed closest to the bathroom, which she happily accepted. While she got ready for bed, he inhaled his burgers and fries and with a happy sigh, leaned back in the chair.

“I’m so glad you’re here, Meg,” he told her.

“Me too. It was your mom’s idea. She said she’d like to surprise you. I was kind of surprised my parents agreed. I mean, I’ve never been away so long before. But they really like you and your family, so they were happy to say yes.”

“They’re not upset over Seth and Katie?”

“I mean...no. Katie made her choice, and now she has to live with that. That’s life, though. Right?”

“True.”

Once they were both settled in the double beds, they lay there facing each other.

“This almost feels surreal,” Megan murmured.

“Yeah, it does,” Roman agreed. “But it’s not a bad feeling.”

Jeez. Could he be any nerdier? He wouldn’t have blamed Megan if she had said she was going to go out and sleep on the floor by Seth. Instead, she smiled at him.

“You know how they say we’re too young?”

He definitely knew he’d heard that before, but he wasn’t sure what she meant.

“Too young for what?”

“To know we’re in love. To know we want to be together forever. To feel the way we feel about each other.”

Ahh, yeah. That. 

“I know people say that,” he murmured in response. “But I guess I just figure, they’re not us. What do they know? Haters gonna hate, right?”

Megan laughed at this.

“Do you know that’s one of the reasons I love you? Here you are, Mr. Big Football Man, just crushed some guys on the field and ate half a cow in burgers, and now you’re quoting Taylor Swift. I wish...I wish we were older.”

“I love you because you do things like call me Mr. Big Football Man,” Roman said with a goofy grin. “I don’t know...I understand what you mean. But then, if we jumped to older, we’d never get to have what the next few years will bring. And I...this last one has been the most amazing thing ever, and I just don’t know that I’m willing to miss out on anything that comes next.”

“My sweet poet,” Megan pretended to gush. “But...okay. You’re right. I just...marriage and kids and forever. That’s what I want with you, Roman. Okay? Promise me we’ll always have this. I can wait until the time is right. I WANT to wait until the time is right. But just promise me. This. I never want to lose this.”

Roman couldn’t help himself then. He got up and slipped into Megan’s bed and wrapped his arms around her.

“I promise. We’ll always have this,” he whispered into her hair. She snuggled up into his neck and he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. They fell asleep like that, and they slept that way all night.

 

_______________________________________________________

 

It was a great weekend, and the group had fun. Even Dean managed to enjoy shopping at the numerous malls in the Dallas area, although Seth thought he looked a little pale by the end of each day, and he sure fell asleep early. He ended up spending every night with in the suite with their parents, and Seth, Roman, and Megan were roomies too. 

Seth always appreciated Megan. She never ever treated him like a third wheel, even when he really was. She’d been kind to him after Katie broke up with him, and she’d even remained his friend after he told Katie he didn’t want to get back together. He liked her, and she definitely made Roman happy, and so he was kind of glad to hang out with them. They stayed up late watching movies and then slept in. Seth was well aware that Roman shared his bed with her every night, but he was also sure that nothing was happening. Roman, he thought, would tell him if it did.

Tuesday evening they left Dallas after shopping all day. Megan and Roman rode with Mom in the Highlander, while Dad drove Dean and Seth in the Escalade. The idea was that the Escalade had a bit more space, so Dean should be more comfortable. But after the long weekend they’d had, comfortable wasn’t even on Dean’s radar.

He fussed and moaned most of the drive home. Seth feld bad for him; he truly did. He remembered what it felt like to be sick, when he had the spider bites, and exhausted and cranky and just generally miserable. It was different, though. 

When Seth was miserable, he tended to just try and disappear. Let his mother or whoever love on him, that was fine, but he didn’t want to talk or gripe. He wanted to be held, he wanted to sleep, and usually he wanted to be wrapped in a blanket cocoon. When Dean was miserable, he wanted everyone else to be miserable too. 

And Dean, much as Seth loved him, was very good at sharing the misery. 

Their father for the most part just ignored him, or gently encouraged him.

“I know, buddy,” Tony would commiserate. “We’re gonna be home soon. I know it hurts.” Or,

“It DOES suck, Dean,” Dad would agree. “Do you want me to stop? Let you stretch? Tell me how I can help.”

Seth admired his father’s patience. He lost his own about the fourth time Dean flung a piece of ice at him. He didn’t want to get grouchy, but it hit him right in the ear and it stung, plus when he jumped from the shock, his glasses had fallen half off his face, which made Dean start laughing. He’s lucky I love him, Seth thought, before he turned around in his seat.

“Will you STOP that? You don’t have to act like you’re three.”

His response was a chunk of ice bouncing Seth’s forehead.

They finally made it home and finally made it to bed and Seth thought he might like to sleep for a week; or at least until Thanksgiving dinner was ready on Thursday. This plan was dashed, however, the next morning, by his mother’s hand gently rubbing his shoulder.

“Seth? Bub? Wake up, baby,” Lily was murmuring. “I need you and Ro to do something for me.”

Generally agreeable, Seth groaned himself awake. He pulled on some sweatpants and a tshirt and dragged himself to the kitchen, where Roman was sitting at the kitchen table nursing a cup of coffee. 

“What’s the favor?” Seth mumbled, pouring himself a cup too.

“Well, Dean woke up with a fever,” Lily began. “I think it’s nothing, but I’m waiting on the doctor to call me back to see if he wants me to bring him in, Daddy’s at work, and---guys, we’ve been gone for 5 days. There’s no food in this house. And I haven’t shopped for Thanksgiving dinner, which is tomorrow. So...I need you two to run to the store.”

Roman and Seth looked at each other.

“Won’t the store be packed?” Roman asked.

“Do you want your turkey?” Seth hated when his parents answered a question with a question. Nothing fun ever seemed to happen when they did that. The two brothers sighed.

“Okay. We’ll go,” Roman muttered finally.

“Thank you. I knew I could count on you. Look, guys, I’m sorry; I know the stores will be packed but that’s why I woke you up early. And here, I know it’s a lot, but seriously, all you have to do is just follow the list and everything will be fine. Oh, I love you both. Thank you so much, boys.”

It was hard to be annoyed with their mother when she was acting so...thankful.

Seth looked over the list. It WAS long, but he didn’t see anything on it that he didn’t recognize, and Roman wasn’t completely useless when it came to cooking, so maybe they could do this. 

On the way there, they stopped at Sonic for drinks, and the first thing that happened was Roman accidentally poked a hole in his with the straw. Dark, sticky liquid dribbled everywhere, including all over Seth and...their mother’s list.

“I think it’s okay,” Seth said, analyzing it carefully. There were just a couple of places that smeared. At the moment, he was more annoyed about his sticky sweats.

Despite the fact that it was 7:30 in the morning, Seth was irked to realize that Target was still very busy. This was going to take forever. 

Seth quickly surmised that groceries weren’t the only thing on his mother’s list. She needed several things from the pharmacy area, some stuff for the dogs, and a few cleaning supplies. 

“Okay. Let’s start with the meat. What does it say on there, Roman?”

“It says 1 turkey and below that it says 1 ham, but the size has smeared,” Roman replied. 

“Okay. Let’s look.”

Seth THOUGHT it might have said a 10-12 pound turkey, but that didn’t seem right when Roman held an 11 pounder up. It looked like they’d barely get any turkey at all. He handed the list back to his big brother and studied the bird. 

“Does this look like enough to you?” Seth asked.

Roman shrugged.

“I don’t know; you’re the one who’s so good at cooking,” he answered.

“Yeah, but I’ve never done one of these before…” Seth thought. Then he started to dig through the bin. “What do you think about this one?”

Roman looked up and down at the bird in Seth’s arms.

“Now THAT is a turkey,” he said with a grin. “And anyway, leftovers are not a bad thing.”

It took both of them to heave the beast of a Butterball into the cart, and it took more than a little extra oomph to push it, but together they managed. They added a ham to the mix, then went after the produce department. Celery, onions, mushrooms, green beans (“2 POUNDS of green beans? Are you sure that’s right? They hardly weigh anything; that’s like a million of them!”), apples, oranges, cranberries, potatoes. Real ones that would be mashed with butter and milk; their mother didn’t believe in mashed potatoes from a box. Then they arrived at the lettuce.

“This says two bags of lettuce,” Seth informed Roman.

“Well...shit,” Roman said. “They don’t really have bags...I mean besides these plastic ones, but you can’t fit much into these…”

“I wonder what kind of lettuce,” Seth mused. “There are a million kinds. Iceberg, romaine, green leaf, red leaf, endive, butter…”

“How about cabbage? It’s cheaper,” Roman said. Seth considered this.

“I’ve never made cabbage, but it sure does look like lettuce. I don’t know why we couldn’t get that instead…”

“Maybe we should get both just in case.”

Each of them picked up a plastic bag and crammed as many heads of lettuce and cabbage that would fit into them.

“Brussels sprouts look like tiny heads of lettuce,” Roman pointed out. 

“Yeah, but don’t you hate them? I do.”

“I hate the smell. I’ve never really been able to get past that to decide if I like the taste.”

It looked like a lot of leafy greens, but Seth figured that was okay. They were healthy right?

Next the boys perused the aisles of canned goods and baked goods. They really didn’t run in to much trouble again until the came across the stuffing.

“This says one bag of stuffing, but it doesn’t say what kind,” Seth looked at the rows and rows of stuffing. “There must be about a dozen different kinds!” 

There was chicken, and sage, and turkey-flavored, and herb seasoned, and just about anything else you could think of.

“The list doesn’t say,” Roman told Seth. “It’s not perishable. Let’s just get one of each.”

Seth agreed that this was probably the best option.

They continued adding canned goods and boxed goods and everything else on the list to the cart (and maybe were guilty of throwing in a few extras). Seth had a soft spot for ice cream, and there were a couple of new flavors. When they made it to the baked goods aisle, Roman had a question.

“What’s the difference between baking powder and baking soda?” Seth looked up.

“Which one is on the list?”

“That’s just it, I can’t tell. It’s smeared. But what’s the difference?”

“They do different things,” Seth told his brother. “Here, let me see that.”

Roman was right, though. The writing on this part of the list was completely indiscernible. It could have said anything. 

“I guess get one of each. I don’t really know what the difference is but I do know you can’t substitute them.”

The cart was near overflowing by the time they managed to haul it up to the checkout. Seth was just beginning to worry that they’d overdone it when the total flashed on the screen: $683. 

“What did we BUY?” Roman groaned, looking over the receipt as they walked to the Jeep.

“Well, just the turkey was $70. And the ham was $50. That’s a big chunk of it right there.”

“I don’t know, Seth. I’ve been shopping with Mom a lot of times and the only time she’s ever spent that much is when she’s buying everything for the coast…”

“Well, we can’t take it all back. We’ve been here too long as it is. I just want to go home.”

Roman was in complete agreement.

They stopped at Panera on the way home at their mother’s behest. She wanted them to get rolls for dinner the next day, some pastries for breakfast, and today’s lunch.  
So they ordered a variety of soups, salads, and sandwiches and when their order was ready, they FINALLY got into the car and headed for home. 

When they arrive at the house, Mom met them to help them carry things in, but when Roman opened the back of the Jeep, it was...well, sort of like the stories you read in the comics where a kid stuffs everything in their messy room into the closet, and then when it opens, everything sort of cascades out. 

Canned goods and boxes came flying out. Apples and onions rolled everywhere. And Lily wound up in the middle of all of it, with 7 bags of lettuce and cabbage piled at her feet.

“What,” their mother said softly, “did you BUY?”

“Well…” Seth was beginning to realize that maybe their philosophy of getting some of everything hadn’t been a good one. “We weren’t sure about some of it…”

“And you didn’t call me because…?”

Roman stepped up to answer that one.

“Because Dean is sick and we didn’t want to bug you OR him, and we figured it was not a bad thing to have some leftovers…”

“Some leftovers...oh Lord.” Lily looked slightly stricken, but at least her eyes were smiling. 

The two boys helped their mother carry the groceries in (which took quite awhile), and then they offered to help put them away, but instead Lily shooed them out to the living room, where Dean was propped up on pillows on the couch, and told them to eat their lunch and help their brother with his. But as they were leaving the kitchen, arms laden down with Panera bags, they both heard their mother moan out,

“Oh, God, what in HELL am I gonna do with a 36 pound turkey?!”


	83. Deja Vu

Somehow, as things often do, it just worked out.

Yes, there WAS a lot of ham and turkey leftover and yes, they WOULD go on to eat it for a very long time. But the Saturday after Thanksgiving, Lily and Seth spent several hours making things with it that they could put in the big chest freezer in the garage, like turkey soup, the filling for turkey pot pies, turkey tetrazzini, ham casserole, ham and scalloped potatoes, and then they cut the rest in chunks and slices and just froze it in bags. 

“You never know when you might just get hungry for a hot ham and cheese sandwich,” Lily said, and Seth agreed.

Soon the break was over and the boys went back to school, except for poor Dean. He was completely over his predicament, Lily knew. Bored out of his mind, he often got moody and snippy, which wore his mother out, even though she knew he didn’t mean it. She worried, actually, that he was becoming depressed. She made him get up and into his wheelchair every day, made him bathe, made him eat, but rarely did he want to leave the house anymore. Unfortunately, it was a struggle for her to get him into the car anyway, so she didn’t push him on that one too often. More than once, she held him while he cried. A few times, she had to step away so that she wouldn’t get angry and yell at the boy. It reminded her of way back when Dean had first arrived in the family…

_…”I don’t want to be here!” A sobbing, 11-year-old Dean had shrieked at her, curling himself into a ball on his bed and completely breaking down. “I fucking hate this place! I just want to be left alone! Get the hell away from me!”_

_Fists of fury lashed his pillow as he screamed and sobbed._

_His baffled foster mother had seen plenty of angry kiddos before, but Dean’s reaction, she thought, was kind of extreme._

_“You’re allowed to feel angry,” Lily told him quietly. “You’ve been treated horribly, Dean. I’m not upset with you, and I’m not going to hurt you.”_

_“JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!” A shrill scream, and then a flying pillow._

_She sighed._

_All of this over a glass of spilled orange juice at breakfast that morning._

_Lily had jumped to her feet perhaps a little more quickly than she should, not realizing that Dean perceived this as a threat, a threat of punishment for making the mess. No one had ever been understanding with him before. No one had ever explained that messes happen and it was just fine, and all that was going to happen was they would clean it up together._

_Instead, the boy was immediately on the defensive._

_“Hey, yeah, so I spilled juice. So kill me.”_

_“No one is going to kill you, sweetie,” Lily told him gently. “Will you please hand me a rag---”_

_“Spilling isn’t a fucking crime,” Dean muttered. Lily looked at him, not too surprised but more than a little heartbroken. Not at the way he was talking to her, but at the way he felt he had to._

_“No, it isn’t,” she agreed, still rational, but Dean’s eyes flashed. “We just have to clean it up.”_

_“I don’t have to do ANYTHING,” Dean told her flatly. “Clean up your own damn kitchen.” Then he had stormed off._

_Now, Lily knew he was pushing her to see if he could get her to break down and scream, hit, harm, or just get rid of him. She wasn’t going to do any of those things,  
but she also wasn’t going to clean up that mess either, at least not by herself. Roman tried to offer, but Lily softly stopped him._

_“Dean will do it when he’s ready,” she told her older boy. “Don’t worry, Ro. This is kind of part of Dean’s healing process.”_

_“I don’t see how---” Roman was shaking. He didn’t have tears in his eyes but his face looked as though it would crumble at any moment. Lily wrapped him up in a hug and kissed his forehead._

_“Shhh, Ro. Do you remember when you came home and you were so angry at Lisa?” By then, Roman had long ago stopped referring to his biological mother as anything other than her first name. Roman sighed and nodded._

_“Dean’s mother allowed something happen to Dean that is possibly the most horrible thing that could happen to a young child. And she LET it happen. It might have even been her idea. I know it’s hard for me and you to understand, because we’ve never experienced it. Dean has to learn to sort out everything it’s made him feel, though. He has to learn how to work through it. And he has every right to be angry, Ro. Every right in the world.”_

_“But he doesn’t have the right to treat us like we did it,” Roman whispered._

_“No, you’re right, he doesn’t. But think about how you feel when you’re angry. Would it be better to handle it right then, or is is better to let everyone calm down and then discuss it?”_

_“Yeah. Okay. It’s better to wait,” Roman agreed._

_And that was how Lily came to be standing in her youngest foster son’s doorway, watching as he screamed and cried into his pillow. She quietly folded her arms but she didn’t touch him and she didn’t speak for a long time._

_A break came in the fit, finally. Actually it looked as though the boy may have fallen asleep. But when Lily went around the side of his bed, his eyes were open and he was staring off at the wall. The poor kid was clearly spent. Lily sat on the floor with her back to the wall, so that Dean could see her but so that she wasn’t too close to be misconstrued as a threat to him. When Lily spoke, it was softly._

_“I love you,” she murmured._

_“Don’t love me,” Dean whispered._

_“I do. I love you, sweetie,” Lily replied. “There is nothing you could do that would ever make me leave you alone. I understand, Dean. I know that’s what you’re used to. But I’m going to show you. I’m going to show you that you’re worthy and special. Some day. I know it’s hard. But you will learn what love feels like, sweetie. One day you will. I'll be patient with you. We’re going to show you. Right now, I’m going to go watch TV with Roman. If you feel like you would like to talk, you are welcome to come and join us. We’ll be in my bedroom.”_

_Dean didn’t move and didn’t answer._

_Roman had retreated to his bedroom, so Lily tapped on his door._

_“C’mere, beautiful boy.”_

_He got up with no hesitation, followed his mother to her room, and allowed himself to be loved on while they watched Despicable Me._

_It was a favorite of theirs. They’d watched it probably three dozen times, sometimes just the two of them, sometimes with Tony, and soon, Lily hoped, Dean would join them in their love of Minions and silliness._

_She didn’t have to wait as long as she thought she would._

_About 30 minutes into the movie, Lily heard a soft sniffle behind her. She peeked out of the corner of her eye but said nothing as her younger son slowly crept into the room. As desperate as she was to just grab him up and hold him tight, she knew that wouldn’t help. She expected him to just stand there, or maybe get angry again, but she wasn’t too prepared for what the boy actually did next._

_She could feel him slowly ease onto the bed behind her and then she felt a small, young face press itself under her arm, until it was buried into her. Knees dug into her back, and then she realized her shirt was getting damp. Dean was crying again, and this was a silent apology. Lily knew he was waiting now, probably terrified, to see what the fallout from his earlier actions would be, but she also knew that his decision to approach her anyway and face it had to mean that somewhere deep down, he knew she had no intention of causing him pain._

_So she lay silently, right arm tight around Roman, left arm shielding Dean from the world. Eventually she bent her elbow just so, enough that her left hand could find his unruly reddish blond hair. None of them spoke for the rest of the movie. In fact, other than Roman’s giggles and Lily’s soft laughs, none of them made a sound. She could feel Dean relaxing as it went on though, and when it was over, Dean stood up and guardedly reached out for her hand._

_“Will you please help me clean up the juice?” He whispered, barely looking her in the eye._

_She gave his fingers a little squeeze._

_“Yes. Of course I will. Come on.”_

_He never had another tantrum quite like that again...._

Until now, over six years later, in circumstances that were completely different and yet totally the same.

She heard the crash before she heard anything else, and she immediately bolted to Dean’s bedroom. Her son was laying on the floor, moaning, while Gator and Honey Badger circled him, as though they were intent to protect him from danger. In fact, when they heard her, Gator’s hackles raised for just a split second before he caught Lily’s scent and realized it was safe. Once she entered the room, the dog immediately stood down and retreated to Dean’s side, where he began to lick the boy’s face.

Lily could see just a tiny trickle of blood running down Dean’s nose. Then she heard it; the mournful wail that began low but rose slowly until the sobs began to wrack his war-torn body. 

She couldn’t get to his side quickly enough.

And then suddenly she was scooping him into her arms and smoothing his hair off his face and trying to carefully hold him and he was pressing himself into her neck and blood was smearing all over him and all over her and getting on her clothes and she just didn’t care because this was her Dean, and he needed her, and the fact that there just wasn’t much she could do to help him right then practically sliced her in half.

Blood and snot mixed together and dribbled down his face, and his expression...it was so compounded. Sadness, anger, maybe fear? He just looked...lost. Lily gently used her own shirt to wipe Dean’s eyes and nose, and he looked up at her with teary eyes.

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” he whispered. “I feel like I’m trapped inside myself.”

“I know it’s been a long time,” Lily replied quietly, beginning to gently rock Dean back and forth.

“I want out. I want to leave and just...Mom, I want to run. I want to run, ride, swim...I just want to MOVE. I want Jessie,” the tears began to overflow again. “I want to go back to school. Mama, I just...I can’t DO this anymore. Please. Help me, please.”

Lily held and rocked him while she thought. She couldn’t carry him. But maybe if she could help him back onto his bed, help him change, and then get him to the Highlander...a thought came to her then.

“Come here.”

She eased them to his bed, careful to avoid jarring his shoulder or leg, and then she eased herself up.

“You’ve gotta use your good leg to give yourself a boost...that’s it.” And then Dean was seated on the bed. 

“Hang on. Here,” Lily handed him a box of tissues. “I’m going to go change my clothes and then we’re going to get you into some sweats. I have an idea.”

Dean nodded; he looked so tired and she wondered if maybe a nap wasn’t a better idea, but no...no, he was so desperate that she had to make this work. The second she was out of her son’s line of vision, Lily began making phone calls.

 

_____________________________________________

 

Dean had no idea what his mother was up to, and right then he wasn’t sure he cared. He was reclining on his bed trying to relax, but his whole body had tightened right up after he had accidentally on purpose flung himself off his bed. It wasn’t that he wanted to end up in a bloody pile on the floor. He just really wanted to be able to stand. Just for a minute or two. It sure didn’t work though.

And then he’d just lost it, because sometimes frustration was the most overwhelming emotion ever. 

When his mother returned, it was with a warm wash cloth, which she wordlessly handed to him. Both of them knew how humiliated he was at not being able to bathe himself yet, so the majority of the time, Lily let him do the best he could and then waited for Dad or Roman or Seth to be home to help him out. He was grateful for that. She was his mother; she’d seen him naked more than once, but those were times when he just was too sick or hurt. For some reason, this felt different.

“Come on,” she said once he was freshened up a bit and wearing clean clothes. She parked his wheelchair next to his bed.

“Where are we going?” Dean asked his mother wearily.

“You’ll see.”

He had no real choice but to trust her. 

Sure, he could’ve thrown a big ass screaming fit again, but she was only trying to help him now, he knew that. And maybe a change of scenery would be nice. He helped her hoist him up into the front seat of the Highlander and then leaned back against the headrest while she put his chair in the trunk. Dean had no clue where they were going, but he wasn’t entirely sure he really cared. Lily handed control of the music over to him.

Dean had sort of inherited his mother’s eclectic taste in music. Her iTunes account had thousands of songs of every genre imaginable, and Dean loved that. He was partial to oldies and country, a fact that earned him copious teasing from both brothers, but Dean didn’t care. You never knew when you needed some Bluegrass, or maybe some Blues. He settled on Pam Tillis for now, because he knew that she was one of his mom’s favorites and he was secretly hoping she’d sing along. Dean always thought his mama had a nice voice.

She indulged him a little while squeezing his hand, soft notes escaping her lips in between talking to him gently.

“I know you’re over this, sweetie,” she told him. “I’m so sorry, Dean. Like…I know it’s easy for me to say. You know? It’s only 10 more days until the casts come off, but I get that to you that’s an eternity. I understand, baby. But I need you to help me out. What are some things that we can do to help you get through that time?”

“I don’t know,” Dean whispered, and for a moment there was no sound other than his mother quietly singing along to Mandolin Rain. “I feel like I’m sick of everything. I don’t want to give up.”

Lily smiled at him.

“Oh, I’m not allowing that,” she said. “Baby, you know I’ve never been real strict with you three, but my darling, that’s not an option. I don’t care if you scream yourself into oblivion.”

Dean smiled a little.

“I didn’t want to scream, I just…” he trailed off.

“You just felt like you were drowning and you panicked. I know. Dean, I do get it. Like I said, I know it’s easy for me to say but for heaven’s sake, boy, just look at you. My vital, active, beautiful boy. You’re gonna be okay. We’ve just gotta hang on, kid.” Lily 

Dean sighed. He knew his mother was right. 

He was startled when the Highlander came to a stop in front of the Hard Rock Cafe, his absolute favorite place to eat on the planet. 

“What are we doing here?” Dean asked Lily, who grinned at him.

“Eating.”

Dean rolled his eyes, but he found himself returning her grin.

The surprise grew when his mother pushed him up the ramp and into the restaurant, and it grew again when his mother told the greeter,

“We’re meeting people here. I believe my husband is already waiting for us.”

And the girl replied,

“Girardi, table for four?”

“Yup, that’s him!” Lily replied happily as she turned Dean around to follow the waitress.

Huh?

Seconds later it all made sense.

There, seated at a table towards the back, was his father. And there, sitting beside him, was…

“Jessie…” Dean breathed. 

And it was. She was right there in front of him, and she looked at him with an unreadable expression. At first, Dean couldn’t tell if she was actually happy to be there, although she had to know that he’d be coming too, and she surely hadn’t been brought here against her will. Then she stood up, walked around to him, and burst into tears, and any doubts Dean had vanished.

“Dean. Dean, I’m so sorry,” Jessie flung her arms around his neck and sobbed. He awkwardly patted her back with his good arm. Her tears and the sadness and pain in her voice was breaking Dean’s heart, but he didn’t know what he was supposed to say. He wasn’t angry with her. He was sad she hadn’t been there for him, but he did understand. Finally he just went with a quiet,

“I love you.”

This seemed to just make Jessie cry harder. Dean looked up at his mother helplessly. He didn’t want Jessie to let go of him, but he didn’t want her to cry anymore either. Luckily Lily seemed to understand. Dean felt her hand come to rest on the back of his head and realized she was wrapping her other arm around his stricken girlfriend. WAS she still his girlfriend? Dean wasn’t sure.

Then he realized his mother was quietly talking, his father leaned over with his own hand on Dean’s back.

“It’s okay, sweet girl,” his mother was saying. “Both of you. It’s okay. Shhh....you’re both okay.”

That’s when Dean realized that he was crying too. He let his head drop forward until he and Jessie’s foreheads touch. 

“I do. I love you,” he whispered to her. “Just...everything’s going to be okay now. Okay? It’ll be okay. I promise.”


	84. Jessie's Guy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bear with me, friends. I know a lot is going on in this one! All necessary to lead up to the end, though!

They spent Dean’s 17th birthday at home by Dean’s request. He asked his father to make Papa Angelo’s famous cannoli instead of cake and Tony was happy to oblige. The change in Dean since being reunited with Jessie was nothing short of incredible. He would still be casted for a couple more days, but his eyes began to sparkle again and his sense of humor rebounded. With the permission of Jessie’s foster parents, Margo and Eddie, Jessie began stopping by each day after school, which seemed to benefit them both.

Most of the time they’d lay on the couch, belly to belly, with Dean on his back and Jessie’s head on Dean’s shoulder, and they’d just talk. Often, Tony joined them when he arrived home from work. They learned that Jessie’s parents had been charged with child abuse. Apparently, as Brett approached puberty, he became more and more difficult to handle. Tony understood this. He remembered too well pre-pubescent Roman and Dean. The raging hormones, the attitude...and that must have been ten times harder on Brett, who had no real idea of what was happening to his body. 

So the Covian’s had handled it by locking the boy in a closet. Jessie would find him so distressed that he would lash out against her. And Jessie admitted that she’d come to the hospital that night because she had hoped that Lily would figure it out. 

But then Jessie also let them in on some happy things. For example, she loved her foster parents, especially Margo. Margo was a stay-at-home mom, and she gave Jessie far more attention than she was used to, but when Tony asked, the girl blushed.

“It’s nice,” she murmured.

Tony bet it was. 

A few days after Dean’s birthday, his father took him to his mother’s old practice to get his casts removed and get his limbs x-rayed. Ideally, Lily was to meet them there but she hadn’t made it yet when they got called back. 

Dean had been casted a couple of times, and the part he dreaded most was the saw that removed the plaster. He always said he hated the sound of it, and for this, he was going to hear it quite a bit. He’d been very uncomfortable the past few days, though, claiming the itching under his shoulder cast was unbearable, and Tony knew the skin was probably irritated. It wasn’t an area of the body that was well-known for staying dry.

The second the saw began whirring, Dean squeezed his eyes shut tight and executed a death grip on Tony’s hand and let out a soft whine. He was trembling slightly. They’d sawed through half of the leg cast when Lily arrived.

“Hi, sweetie,” she said calmly, taking her place by Dean’s head, immediately resting her hands on his cheeks and rubbing circles with her thumbs.

“Where were you?” Dean whimpered, eyes still squeezed shut but visibly more comfortable now that both his parents were present. 

“I was with Cici,” Lily murmured. “The baby came today.”

“He was supposed to come on my birthday,” Dean muttered. Lily laughed gently.

“I guess no one told him that,” Lily replied. “First time of many that he won’t listen to his Mama, I’m sure.”

“What’s his name?” Dean’s voice was relaxed now.

“Alfie,” Lily replied. “His name is Alfie, and he’s beautiful. He has so much hair, sweetie. And Cici said that tomorrow we can all come visit.”

By then, the technician was ready to tackle Dean’s shoulder cast, and this, Tony knew, would take longer, so he followed his wife’s lead and continued to help her distract their son.

“Alfie huh? This is...what, Alfred the Fifth?”

“Fourth,” Lily replied. Dean chimed in without opening his eyes.

“I want to name my son Dean the Fourth,” he said.

Lily and Tony both laughed.

“What the about the second and the third?” Tony asked, still chuckling. 

“That’s what I’ll name my daughters.”

“And what does Jessie think of this plan?” Lily asked him.

“Dunno. Haven’t told her yet.” 

Dean began to tense as the saw inched closer to his neck, but Lily’s gentle grip kept him still. She leaned down so she could talk into his ear.

“You’re doing great, sweetie, I’m so proud of you,” she murmured.

“Mama’s right, Deano,” Tony agreed. “You’re almost done, buddy. Almost there. Just hold on.”

Soon enough, the blade stopped spinning and almost the nanosecond that the tech pulled it away, an awful tremor coursed through Dean. Lily immediately began dropping kisses on his forehead. 

“All done. All done, baby boy. You did it. Just lay still, Dean. Oh, my baby. I love you.”

As soon as the cast was cut completely off, a terrible smell met Tony’s nose, and Lily sucked in a sharp breath. Dean had a huge, beet red, bumpy rash that ran across his right pec, under his armpit, and down around his back. 

“Heat rash,” Lily murmured. “All the sweating you did in there...no wonder it itched.”

Seconds later the doctor came in and took a look. He agreed that it looked like heat rash. 

“So...I think we maybe need to let that heal up a bit before we put it in the mini-cast,” the doctor began. “You’re going to have to be super careful. Lily, do you think you can keep it dressed and dry for a few days?”

“Oh, yeah,” she replied calmly but Tony could see a flicker in her eyes. She gazed down at Dean. “We can rest a couple more days while that dries up. Right?”

Both of them knew “rest” was the last word Dean wanted to hear, although he also was well aware that he’d be leaving today in a mini-cast and a walking boot, and therefore would be running no marathons just yet. 

“Do I have to stay in bed?” Dean looked dubious.

“Well...I don’t especially want you walking on that leg until your shoulder is casted,” began Dr. Calhoun.

“So you’re basically staying I either have to stay in bed or stay in the wheelchair,” Dean said.

“Just until we get your skin healed up, sweetie,” Lily was practically cooing and fooling no one. “It’s gonna be okay, baby. It will.”

Dean sighed.

“What’s a few more days?” He mumbled.

“That’s my good boy,” said Lily.

“I’m proud of you, son,” Tony immediately chimed in. 

“Everything’s going to be fine,” Lily softly stroked Dean’s cheek.

“I’ll take the next few days off,” Tony decided. “The three of us can hang out. And pretty soon school will be out for winter break. Then we’ll all be together.”

Dean sighed.

“When do I start physical therapy?” He wanted to know. 

“Soon,” Lily replied. “We’ll have to wait a little longer now, but we’ve got an appointment to meet with Miss Jade next week. I think we’ll keep it. No harm in consulting with her even if we can’t start just yet.”

Tony knew Dean liked Jade. She was a great PT. She was in her mid-20’s, which made her the perfect age to work with teenagers; she was still young enough that she knew what they liked.

“Okay,” Dean whispered. Tony noted that he looked sleepy.

A nurse slathered Dean’s rash in some sort of cream and then loosely wrapped it so it wouldn’t get all over his shirt, but gave them instructions to let it breathe as much as possible. He was also given strict instructions to make sure he slept on his back, and to stay in a resting position as much as possible. Then he was fitted with a walking boot and then they were free to leave, though Dean clearly didn’t feel all that free.

Tony’s offer to take them out to lunch was quietly declined, and he and Lily shared a look. The poor kid. This had to feel like a huge setback, however minor. 

“Gotta eat, sweetie,” Lily tried to coax. “Want to go to Cracker Barrel and get some pancakes?” Dean just shook his head.

When they arrived home, he asked to go straight to bed.

“I’m tired,” he said. “I just want to rest. I’ll be fine by dinner time.”

“Anything in particular you’d like for dinner?” Lily asked him softly. He shook his head again. Then he nodded.

“Something I can eat with my good hand that doesn’t require anyone to feed me,” he said softly. 

Once Dean was settled in his bed with a biker magazine, the remote, a bottle of Gatorade, and a dog on his feet, Lily looked at Tony sadly.

“Not what he wanted to hear,” she murmured.

“No...obviously not. Poor guy...make sure Jessie comes over after school today. I’ve got to go back to the office to get stuff together for the rest of the week, but he’d like to see her I bet. She’ll cheer him up.”

 

______________________________________________________

 

Seth desperately needed his brothers.

There was something on his mind, something he needed to talk about, and it wasn’t something he could tell his parents, at least not yet. It was something that had been weighing on his mind for awhile now, but lately instead of just a tiny niggle in the back of his brain, it had turned into a massive siren that screamed so loud Seth was shocked no one else could hear it.

And it was going to break his mother’s heart. Seth was sure of it.

It had reached a fever pitch when Dean had gotten hurt and Seth was able to keep it squished on the premise that no one wanted or needed to hear about his problems with his brother hurt so badly, but the past few days had been torture.

So after school that day, he sought out Roman.

He’d had class with Jessie earlier and he knew that she was going out to their house as soon as school was over, so he figured she could keep Dean entertained for a little while. He felt bad for not going straight home to his brother, but he had to get this off his chest. After the last bell rang, he found his oldest brother talking to Megan near his locker.

“Roman?”

“Hey, Seth! How you doin’, brother?”

“Fine. Good. I mean...you got a minute? I need to talk.”

He didn’t miss the look that Roman and Megan exchanged. Megan gently rested her hand on his shoulder.

“Seth? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah...no...yeah...I don’t know,” Seth whispered, staring down at his feet. He didn’t see the new, more concerned look that Megan and Roman shared, but he did hear Megan softly say,

“Go on,” before she leaned in to hug him gently.

“Let me know if you need me, okay?” Megan said softly into his ear. Seth nodded gratefully. 

“Wanna go to Hudson’s? I’ll buy you some fried pickles,” Roman said after Megan was gone. Seth nodded gratefully again.

The ride to Hudson’s was silent. When they got there Roman asked for a booth and he ordered them fried pickles, wings, and two Dr. Peppers. Once the food had arrived, after they’d eaten a little, Roman finally broke the quiet.

“Okay, Seth. I’m here and I’m listening. What’s going on, little brother?”

And Seth poured out the whole sordid story, barely able to look his big brother in the eye.

When he finished he managed to look up at Roman, whose expression was more or less unreadable. 

“Am...am I awful, Rome?” Seth whispered, scared to death of what Roman’s answer would be. But Roman’s face immediately softened.

“Awful? Seth. Of course you’re not awful,” Roman began. “But you...you have to tell Mom and Dad.”

“No...Roman, I can’t. I don’t want to upset them; it isn’t that serious, I’ll just---” he began but his brother interrupted.

“If it’s bothering you this much, then it IS that serious,” Roman said. “And besides, we’re just not the kind of family that keeps shit from each other.”

“I know that, but---Rome---you don’t think they’ll be upset?”

“I...no. I don’t think they’ll be upset. I think if anything they’ll wonder why. But upset? Seth, you know them. You know they’ve always been open with us and they just want us to be open with them. I think if you don’t tell them what you’re feeling, that’ll hurt them more. Especially Mom.”

Seth hadn’t thought about that.

“Roman, what’s wrong with me?” Seth whispered. “I shouldn’t feel this way.”

“Listen, for what it’s worth, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. And there definitely isn’t anything wrong with you. Just because it’s not something that Dean and I would be curious about---”

“Don’t say it like that,” Seth interrupted. “That makes it sound like this is something I want.”

“Don’t you?”

“Not...no. I don’t know. Maybe. But it’s not like I just woke up one day and DECIDED I needed to do it. I just...it won’t get out of my head. It’d be easier if I’d never thought of it, believe me.”

“No, I know,” Roman replied. “I get it. I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant you’re curious about it, and that’s okay. We don’t have to be curious about it because   
we already know. That’s what I meant.”

“You don’t think Mom and Dad will hate me?” Seth whispered, staring down at his plate.

“I think that no matter what, they will never ever hate you or any of us. And what you want---it isn’t wrong, brother,” Roman said gently. “Like I said, they may be surprised but they won’t be angry. Have they ever once gotten angry with you over something like this? Actually, how often can you remember them being truly angry with any of us anyway?”

Seth had to admit, Roman was right about that. Their parents were not the type to get mad over something that Seth had no real control over.

“Listen, if it’ll make you feel better, why don’t we talk to Dean later tonight and get his opinion? But I really think...I think if this is what you need, Seth, then you owe it to yourself first and foremost to tell them and look into it. And I also think they deserve a little credit.”

Seth nodded.

“Yeah...that’s a good idea. Roman?”

“What?”

“Thank you. I feel better. I’m glad you’re my brother.”

“I’m glad too, Seth. I’m glad too. That’s what brothers are for.”

“You should do a workshop on how to be a good big brother for your service project,” Seth told him. Roman laughed.

“That actually is a really good idea,” Roman said. “But I think Meg and I have decided that we want to start a book drive and figure out ways to get kids reading. Did you know that you can usually tell by third grade what a kid will read like when they get older?”

“You can?” Seth hadn’t known that.

“Yeah. And a huge percent of adults are functionally illiterate. So what Meg and I thought was if we could figure out how to get a bunch of books donated, we could maybe go into some of the really impoverished schools and read to kids and when we leave, make sure everyone gets a book or two. We’re working on the research right now.”

“Wow,” Seth was impressed. “That’s a really good idea. Can I help you?”

“I was counting on it, little brother. I was counting on it.”

 

___________________________________________________

 

Dean was depressed. There was no better word for it. He’d had such high hopes for his appointment that morning, and now here he was, back in his bed. Wallowing. He tried to remind himself of what he had said back at the office---what was a few more days, after all---but that didn’t help. Because a few more days wasn’t all that long, of course, but to Dean it felt like an eternity.

He was so over all of this shit.

The highlight of his day was when Jessie showed up after school and his mother followed her into his bedroom.

“Guys, I need to run to Target and get a few groceries. I thought we’d do chicken strips tonight, Dean, does that sound good?”

“Yeah,” Dean muttered.

“Roman and Seth aren’t home yet. Will you two be okay?”

“Yeah,” Jessie said. “We’ll be fine. I won’t let him do anything dumb.”

“Lucky boy,” Lily said with a smile. “Text me if you think of anything you want from the store, okay, sweetie?”

“Yeah. Okay,” Dean answered sullenly.

Jessie got up, started digging in her bag, and came up with a copy of Jurassic World. 

“Have you seen this yet?” She asked him.

“Yeah. Saw it in the theater with my brothers. It’s awesome though. I’d see it again.” 

“Okay…” Jessie hesitated. “Dean, are you okay? I don’t know, you just seem unhappy.”

It’s because I’ve spent the worst month of my life without the love of my life, Dean wanted to say, but he didn’t. That wouldn’t have been fair. It hadn’t been her fault. And it had been an awful time for her too. That didn’t stop Dean’s mind from reminding him though. You’d have been there for her if she’d let you, it told him. Dean sighed. Then he told Jessie about the mess of an appointment.

“But you got your boot,” she pointed out. “And maybe it’s a good thing that you can’t walk on it quite yet. Maybe it’s good that your leg will have some time to adjust first.”

He knew Jessie was only trying to make him feel better, but he appreciated it anyway.

“How’s Brett?” Dean asked her, keen to change the subject. He knew that Jessie went to see her brother every evening at 7, a structured thing that was necessary for his autism---he needed that routine. 

“He’s…” a shadow fell over Jessie’s beautiful face and she looked down at her hands. “I don’t know, he’s not freaking out anymore. At first the second he’d see me he’d start to scream and cry. He hasn’t done that lately but he just seems so...subdued. I can’t make him smile. It’s been days since he’s even mentioned Pago Pago one single time.”

This made Dean’s heart sink and he was immediately sorry that he’d felt so bitter about her not being around when he was first hurt.

“We’re pitiful,” he murmured into her hair, and she nodded. 

“Yeah, we are,” she agreed. “But it’ll get better.”

“I’m just so fucking tired,” Dean suddenly burst out. “For most of the last year I’ve been either sick or hurt or both. I hate being such a whiny grouch but I just...Jess, I don’t want to DO this anymore. I want to get out of this house and run and jump and...you have no idea how much I just want to be able to MOVE.”

“I know. I know how hard this must be. My God, you’re the most active person I know. This has got to be awful. It’s...Dean, it’s...okay. I know something that’ll help….”

She pressed her lips to his and instantly, Dean felt his frustration begin to melt away. It wasn’t long before Jessie was laying on top of him and they were full-blown making out. A voice in the back of Dean’s head tried to reason with him, tried to tell him this wasn’t a great idea, and that he needed to be careful, but then she brushed her hand against his crotch and all of his thoughts went somewhere else. Dean moaned a little; it felt good. There was that voice again but…

“Just relax, baby,” came Jessie’s soothing voice and a moment later she was straddling him, leaning in closer, deepening the kisses until instead of soft and sweet, they were hungry. Dean had no idea that he could feel the things he was feeling right then. The voice in the back of his head was screaming at him that they needed to stop, but he just didn’t want to.

“I’ll make you feel better,” she crooned.

It was as clunky and awkward as you would expect two 17-year-old virgins to be on their very first attempt at having sex. And since Dean’s only real experience with this was on his own in the shower, it didn’t take very long, either. And he wasn’t at all sure that Jessie had gotten anything much out of it, except...once they had fixed their clothes and made sure there was no lasting evidence, she flopped down at his side and rested her head on his shoulder. 

“I love you, Dean. I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Dean whispered, mind still reeling---had they really just done that? But he heard Jessie’s content sigh as she cozied up beside him, and he felt her thread her fingers into his, and yes. Yes, it sure had happened. He gave his virginity to the girl of his dreams, and he didn’t regret it for a single second.


	85. Perfect

For Christmas, in addition to their usual gifts, under the tree were skis, poles, boots, and heavy winter coats for each of the boys. The boxes were simply signed “from Santa” and buried under them was a tiny box. When they opened it, it was a picture of mountains, a map of New Hampshire, and plane tickets. 

“We’re going skiing?!” Dean shrieked, dropping his mug of wassail in his lap. Luckily it wasn’t too hot anymore.

Lily and Tony laughed.

“Well. See, we know none of you has ever really seen snow before,” Tony explained. “And we knew that you guys wanted to try skiing, and we haven’t been skiing ourselves in a lot of years, so we figured now is as good a time as any.”

“We’ll go over Spring Break,” Lily took the conversation over. “That way Dean will be 100%.

Dean had gotten his new shoulder cast right before the Winter Break began, which was a huge relief to all of them. Once he was in the cast, he was allowed to be more mobile around the house. He had slowly gotten the hang of his boot, and now he was able to take short walks around the property and going places was so much easier. He began physical therapy too, which at least helped him get some extra movement. The thing Dean hated more than anything else on the planet was holding still. It made him twitch.

He just looked happier, and that made Tony happy too. His cheeks were rosy again and his eyes had their old mischievous glint back. He managed to get his camera back out for the first time in almost two months. It was hard to balance it; he still didn’t have full use of his shoulder, but he was able to grip it with his good hand, and then all he had to do was focus and snap with his bad arm. 

One morning during the break, Tony woke him up early. It was still dark out but just beginning to lighten off to the east, and Tony knew Dean would appreciate this.

“Hey, buddy,” he whispered. No one else in the house was anywhere near stirring yet. 

“Mwhmfph…” was the only response he got.

“Come on, Dean. Let’s get up. I want to show you something.”

They drove Dean’s pickup out east of town with hot chocolates, then sat in the bed together and watched the sun rise. Tony helped Dean hold the camera, and he got loads of photos, and they talked for awhile. This was what Lily would call male bonding. 

“Dad? Something’s bothering Seth,” Dean tentatively told Tony as they were reclining against each other, watching the last of the sun rise.

“Oh?” Seth HAD seemed a little distracted lately, but Tony and Lily usually liked to wait until the boys were ready to discuss problems and approached them. It didn’t appear as though his youngest son was struggling, just pensive, so they were willing to let Seth take his time to decide he wanted to talk.

“Yeah. He is,” Dean replied.

“Do you know what’s up?” Tony asked Dean. Dean looked down for a second.

“Yes. But I can’t tell you. It’s his thing to tell you. But---Dad, he’s worried and it’s so stupid.”

“Why’s he worried?”

“Because he...he thinks that you and Mom are going to be angry with him. Actually, I don’t know if he’s worried that you’ll be angry as much as---I think his exact words were, ‘this is gonna break Mom’s heart.’ Roman and I have tried to tell him that’s dumb but...you know Seth.”

Tony did know Seth; his youngest was highly intelligent and emotional, easily the most empathetic of the three boys which was a good thing most of the time, but it also caused him to overanalyze everything, which usually caused him nothing but stress. Tony couldn’t think of one single thing that Seth could tell him that would be worth him worrying over it. It wasn’t like he was going to confess to a murder.

“Do you think that Mom and I should try and talk to him, or will that make it worse?” Tony asked Dean.

“I don’t know. If you and Mom talk to him, don’t tell him I said anything.”

Tony laughed.

“Don’t worry, buddy. I’ll be discreet.”

“Okay. Thanks, Dad. Like I said---he’s worried over nothing. I mean I guess it’s not NOTHING; to him it’s a really big deal. It’s just not the sort of thing that you and Mom are really going to find that upsetting, at least I don’t think. But Seth is so scared he’s going to upset you.”

“It’ll be okay. We’ll work it out. Thank you for letting me know, buddy. So how about you? Anything new going on in your world?”

“Well…” Dean seemed to consider the question. “Dad, you know I love Jessie, right?”

“I know. I’m happy for you. I think she’s a great girl and I think she makes you happy.”

“She does. Listen, Dad...I think...will you help me get some...protection?”

Tony looked at his son. Dean was looking at him with almost a childlike expression, almost like a little boy who was hopefully asking his mother for one more cookie. He bit back a laugh; it wasn’t funny, but in a way it kind of was. But when did his kid become so grown up? 

“Yes. I will see what I can do to help you get some protection. What did you have in mind?” The boy heaved a sigh, as though he was relieved.

“Condoms I guess. I mean I can’t get her pills right? She’d have to see a doctor?” 

“Yes, that’s right,” Tony replied. “Condoms are a smart idea. Wanna stop at Walgreens on our way back into town?”

 

“Yes. Yes, please. Dad? Thank you. For understanding.”

“I was 17 once, buddy.”

“I know you were,” Dean said. “But still...just thank you. Dad?”

“Hmm?” Tony looked over at Dean and smiled again.

“Could we...maybe...not tell Mom about this?”

This request was harder; he and Lily typically did not keep things from each other, and he told Dean this. 

“I know, I just...will she be mad? That I want to have sex?”

“You’re mom was 17 once too, Dean, and she remembers what it was like. And contrary to what some believe, teenage boys aren’t the only ones who want to experiment. She won’t be upset. She will want you to be careful. How about this. I won’t keep this from Mom, but neither of us will nag you. Okay? You’ve made a pretty responsible choice by asking for help. I think we can probably trust you to ask us if you have any questions. Fair?”

Dean paused for a really long time, and if Tony hadn’t been practically melting from pride, he wouldn’t have totally missed his son’s delayed response. When Dean finally nodded, Tony wrapped his arm around his boy’s shoulders.

He had no idea that ship had sailed already.

 

___________________________________________

 

Seth was terrified, sick, and pissed. Not necessarily in that order. 

He was pretty sure his rat fink brother Dean had let on to his parents about his dilemma, because suddenly they were extra attentive. Normally, Seth didn’t mind this. He liked the closeness he usually felt with his parents; the warmth and caring and trust that felt like home. But right now, it felt stifling. It felt hot, stuffy, like he was in a sauna of diligence provided by two people who wanted to absorb him. 

If he thought they’d still feel that way after he said what he needed to say, he probably would’ve minded a lot less.

In addition to that, his throat was sore and his glands ached. When he woke up that morning, his mom took one look at him and went for the thermometer. When it beeped at 101.5, she sent Dean and Roman on to school and wrapped Seth up in a blanket for a trip to Urgent Care. 

Seth HATED Urgent Care. He was better with strangers, until it involved them touching him. Dr. Enderle was pretty full, though, and his mom had told him she wanted to get him there and home quickly, so off they went. The minute the nurse walked in, he started to shake. Luckily she just thought it was chills from the fever. 

She listened to his chest and took his blood pressure and temperature and finally left with the promise that a PA would be in soon. Lily wrapped an arm around him, and he let himself rest his head on her shoulder. 

“It’s okay, bub,” she murmured. “You’re okay. We’re gonna get you some medicine and then you’ll be fixed right up.”

Seth sighed. This felt good. The safety of his mother’s arms ALWAYS felt good. Was he really about to mess all of that up? But he had to tell them; Roman and Dean had been absolutely right. It was dragging him down. He couldn’t focus at school, and at home he spent as much time as he could in his bedroom, waiting for an interrogation that never came. He also, though, couldn’t get the look on his mother’s face out of his head, the one she was certain to make when he told her...told her what had been eating away at him.

When they finally were finished, Lily took Seth to Schlotzky’s for some potato soup and a sandwich, took him home, made him eat, and then tucked him into her bed. He’d been diagnosed with strep, which was running rampant at school, so his mother said she wanted to keep him away from Roman and Dean to see if they could avoid catching it too. He was dozing fitfully when he felt a cool, wet cloth come to rest on the back of his neck, and another brush over his face. His Mama stretched out on the bed beside him, wrapped her arms around him, and nuzzled his cheek gently.

“Gonna be better soon,” she murmured. “I love you, my bub. My sweet baby bub. I’ve got you. I’m here. Mama’s right here.”

And Seth began to cry. He was startled to realize that his mother didn’t seem surprised about this. She didn’t ask him questions immediately. Instead she drew him close against her and wrapped her arms around him good and tight. 

“I’m sorry, Mama,” he whispered through his tears. 

“I know. I don’t know why. But I know. Shhhh….you’re exhausted and sick, Seth. For now just rest. If you’re feeling better later, you and Daddy and I will talk together. But no matter what is going on, everything is gonna be okay, my baby. We’ll fix it.”

Seth wanted to tell her that it wasn’t something that COULD be fixed, but instead he just twisted around so he was facing her and could snuggle up against her tighter. She was warm and she smelled so quintessentially like Mom, and she started slowly moving her fingers through his hair then, and Seth found himself dozing off into a peaceful sleep.

When he woke up, he wasn’t wrapped around his mother anymore, but he was cocooned in a blanket and he could feel a hand on his back. He could also hear a low voice exchanging with his mother’s higher, soft one. Dad was home. Seth debated staying still to see if he could hear anything they were saying, but his body hurt and he couldn’t help the moan that escaped. 

“Hey, buddy,” Tony leaned over so that he was in front of his boy and smiled.

“Still puny, huh?”

“Yeah...thirsty,” Seth managed to whisper. His throat felt as though he’d opened his mouth and someone had tossed in a lit cigarette. 

He felt his father get up and then he returned moments later with a cup of cold juice. 

“Here, son,” Tony murmured, holding the straw to Seth’s lips. Seth drank it in a few swallows, settled back against the pillow, and sighed. It felt good to be sandwiched between his mom and dad. If they still wanted to BE his mom and dad after...he shook his head. They noticed.

“You want to talk about it, bub?” Lily asked him gently, and he shook his head again, but he turned his body so that he could see his mother. And that’s when Seth realized that her eyes were intent on his face. She could read him like a book, and right now, she didn’t look angry or annoyed in the slightest. She just looked worried, which only made him feel worse. He buried his face into her stomach.

“Mama, I don’t know what to do,” he said, which came out sounding like mmmmmmmmdntttttttnwph, but somehow she understood.

“About what?” 

“I just...I’m...promise you won’t hate me.”

“Seth,” Tony interjected. “You’re our son. No matter what, we aren’t going to hate you. Is something wrong? Are you in some kind of trouble, buddy?”

“No…”

“Then what? What’s gotten you so upset?” Lily whispered to him softly.

He pressed his face into her again and breathed slowly. Then he looked up at his mom and dad.

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately about...about Adria,” Seth began. His mother tensed slightly. Seth could feel it. 

“Lately I just...I feel like...I need to meet her. I’m just...there’s so much I don’t KNOW, and I can’t...I just...I just want to see,” he whispered. The look on both their faces morphed immediately from concern to something...else. Something unreadable. Something that instantly told Seth that he’d said the wrong thing. 

“Okay,” Lily said. Her voice was quiet, but it sounded strange.

“I want to know why,” Seth was trying to hold back. Neither of his parents looked very happy, and he was beginning to think that the best thing for him to do was just stop talking but he babbled on anyway.

“Of course you do, bub,” Lily said, and she still didn’t sound right.

“It’s just...it’s just that I don’t know why she didn’t want me. I want to know why I wasn’t good enough for her. Maybe my life would’ve been different if she’d taken care of me. Maybe none of that stuff ever would’ve happened, and I never would have had to suffer through that. Was she really that sick, or did she just not care enough to keep him from...to keep him from hurting me? And letting me get hurt? All of the times I wished I’d never even been born...does she feel bad for any of it? Does she even know? Does she even CARE? She could’ve saved me from all of it.”

And then his mother said the words that froze him, tore his heart in half, and made him despise himself. 

“If she had done that, we wouldn’t have this,” Lily whispered.

How awful and ungrateful he must seem to his mother and father right then.

“ I mean...I mean...no, that’s not...I’m sorry,” Seth sniffled, emotions completely overtaking him again. “I’m sorry.”

“Seth,” Tony said quietly. “Come here.” 

He crawled closer to his dad, who wrapped an arm around him and hugged him tight and finally Seth succumbed to the aching sobs that had been threatening explode out of him. He felt his mother abruptly get up from the bed, which only made him cry harder onto his dad.

“I’m sorry, Daddy,” Seth sobbed, completely forgetting that he was practically an adult and shouldn’t be carrying on like this. But he’d been right; he just knew it.

“Shhh...there’s nothing to be sorry for, bub. Nothing at all.”

“But I hurt Mama...I hurt her feelings…”

“What? Oh, Seth, son. No. She went to...oh, bud. Stop crying, buddy. It’s okay.”

Seth hiccuped. 

“She isn’t angry, Seth. I know your mama better than just about anyone else and I know when she’s angry. I think we’re both just...taken by surprise. Not even really that; we knew...well, we had a feeling that you might like to find her someday.”

“You...you did? But...but how? Daddy?”

“Everybody wants to know where they come from, Seth. We understand that. That’s not wrong, buddy.”

“But Mama---”

“Needs a minute, I think. That’s all, son. Give her a minute. We know we’re your parents and we know you know that. Just give her a second to take it in.”

“Dad...I shouldn’t have said anything…”

“No, Seth, you were right to tell us. We knew...like I said. We knew you’d probably want to know about her. I mean if any of you was going to want to meet a biological parent, it’d be you. Dean and Roman, they know where they come from. You have a father that’s in jail and a mother that you have not seen since infancy.”

“I-I know,” Seth mumbled into Tony’s shoulder. 

“It’s okay to want to know about them,” Tony continued. “As long as you never forget that here at home, you also have a father who would die for you. You have a mother who adores you and everything about you. And you have two brothers who love you more than anything else.”

“I won’t forget that,” Seth yawned. “I won’t forget any of that. I didn’t mean I don’t want to be here with you, I just meant...Daddy, you know I didn’t MEAN it like that…”

“Hey, hey. I know. Seth, you know, I think it’s okay to wish things had been different when you were young.”

“No, because if things had been different THEN, I wouldn’t have you NOW. And that’s not what I want; I want to be part of THIS family. Because you guys love me and you never would’ve let me be hurt like that. Daddy, I just...I just want to understand.” The last part came out as another sob and Seth felt Tony’s arms tighten around him again.

“I want to understand too, buddy,” came his father’s soft reply. “I want to understand why all of that happened to you, and to Dean and Roman, and to all of the other kids who get hurt by the same people who are supposed to protect them. I wish I did, Seth. I really really do.”

Seth was starting to feel bad again, physically anyway. It was hard to imagine feeling worse mentally. He was stuffy and his throat ached, and he wasn’t sure if he was trembling from fever or just because he was so upset. He wanted to ask his father for some Tylenol or something, but he didn’t want to be let go of. He was afraid if his father let him go, the thread that was holding him semi-together would snap and then he’d REALLY be a mess.

His dad seemed to notice. Seth felt his hand rest on his forehead for a minute.

“I need to get you some medicine,” he said quietly, and Seth shook his head.

“No...don’t let me go,” he mumbled.

“I’ll be right back, buddy. But your fever is back. C’mon. Let me---”

“Here,” came a soft voice. Mama’s voice. “I’ll take him. You go get him some NyQuil and more juice, okay?”

Seth felt his father nod, and then he felt himself be shifted, and then he felt a cool, soft hand on his face as warm arms engulfed him.

“Oh, my baby. You’re burning up again,” Lily whispered. 

His whole body was aching now, but Seth had only one thing on his mind.

“Mommy. Mommy, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t have to go meet Adria, I just want you. Please, I’m sorry.”

“Shh…” his mother commanded him softly. “It’s okay. It’s okay, bub.”

“No, no, I didn’t mean to make you angry, Mommy. I’m sorry. Please, don’t...please…”

“Seth. Seth William. I’m not...I’m not angry, Seth. It’s just...sometimes I forget. You are so much my son, you and your brothers, all three of you are SO MUCH MINE that sometimes I honestly forget that I didn’t give birth to you. I push all of the bad stuff that happened to you to the back of my mind so I can focus on all of the good stuff, and I forget. I’m sorry, Seth. Bub, I’m not angry. I’m not angry at all. Of course you can meet Adria. You can meet Adria and I’ll help you find her and I’ll even come with you if you want. Let’s just get you better for now. Cassie can find out where she is, I’m sure. But baby, you’re so sick. Let’s just get you better. And when the time is right, I’ll support you. I promise I’ll support you and help you. I’ll do anything you need me to do, Seth William. I love you, bub.”

“I wish you had,” Seth whispered. He felt his dad sit back down on the bed, felt his parents help him drink the medicine and choke down some juice to wash away the awful fake cherry flavor. 

“You wish I had...given birth to you?”

“Yes.”

“Me too. Every day of my life.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Because then your whole life would’ve been perfect.”

The medicine was working quick. Seth felt warmth spread through him and his eyes closed again, but as the world was fading away, he snuggled close to his mother and whispered,

“My life IS perfect.”


	86. Camaraderie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For prittyspeshul, who coaxed me through the last chapter, suggested this one, and I know is looking forward to the next one!

Lily wasn’t lying when she told her baby she wasn’t angry; she wasn’t. She had known all along that one of her boys wanting to learn about his biological parents was a huge probability and who could really blame them? She also knew that the likeliest suspect would be Seth; Roman and Dean knew Lisa and Shelby and knew exactly what they weren’t missing, but Seth had no real memories of Adria. She thought she’d been prepared for this.

What she wasn’t prepared for was how badly it hurt.

And wasn’t that just stupid?

After all, SHE was Seth’s mother. Lily. She was the one who had held him, cared for him, spent long nights offering comfort while he screamed and cried and did his best to fight off demons no child should ever have to face. And every time, he’d called out for her, NOT Adria.

She cleaned up his vomit, bathed him, crammed herself into hospital beds with him, drove him anywhere he needed to go, tended to his broken heart, taught him to cook, taught him to love, taught him what love felt like because he’d had no clue when he arrived here---

Lily stopped when she realized there were tears streaming down her face. She looked around the room.

They hadn’t managed to keep the two older boys from catching strep, though she suspected they’d picked it up at school and not from Seth. Of course, there was no way to know for sure. But rumor had it that officials were considering closing school for a week to allow the sick kids to get better and the not sick kids to stay that way.

Now she watched her boys, who were all napping. Seth was curled around a pillow, Roman was curled around Seth, and Dean had his arms wrapped around Roman’s waist. 

Three alike, Lily thought. She knew that really, Adria was no threat to her. And Seth had every right to be able to ask her why things had happened the way they had. Lily had no idea what those answers were, but she desperately hoped that Seth would be able to handle them. 

It had been a long day and she was tired, which she knew explained, at least partially, why she was so emotional. Lily had already been planning on taking Seth in to see Dr. Enderle because after 3 days on antibiotics, he was really no better than he had been the first day he was sick. Then the school had called to tell her that Roman was running a fever and they were sending him home, and by the time Roman arrived, they’d called again to tell her the same about Dean. Dean wasn’t cleared to drive   
yet, but Lily figured enough was enough so she loaded Roman and Seth into the new Highlander (the old one had been traded in for a newer model). 

Taking her three sick teenagers to the doctor together was always an adventure. As usual, her typically kind, pleasant, polite boys were like Jeckyll and Hyde when they weren’t feeling well. There was plenty of whining to go around on the ride to the clinic, but once they finally DID arrive, not one of them was keen to actually get out of the nice warm car.

“Let’s just go hooooooooome,” Dean moaned. Lily sighed.

“Guys. Come on. I know you all feel like crap. Don’t you want to start getting better?”

“I don’t want a shot,” Roman piped up. “I hate shots.”

“You’re almost 18, Ro, I’d think---”

“Wait. We’re getting shots?” Seth’s ears perked up. “I don’t want a shot, Mommy. I don’t like shots. Don’t make me get a shot!”

“Guys,” Lily’s patience was waning. “Will you listen to yourselves? I understand this is unpleasant but I really need you to try and act like the grownup boys you are. Please get out of the car.”

“You shouldn’t yell at us when we’re sick, Mama,” Dean said, trying to bury his face under Seth’s arm. “That isn’t nice.”

Lily rolled her eyes. 

“That was not yelling, Dean Benjamin, darling. Yelling can probably be arranged though, if you don’t get out right now…”

“Okay, okay,” Roman grumbled. “You don’t have to be mean.”

She rolled her eyes again, but her boys slowly began to untangle themselves from each other and drag themselves out of the Highlander.

“Thank you. I’ll get you all ice cream when this is done,” she promised, not quite believing that she was bribing her teenagers but just thankful that they were finally semi-cooperating.

“I don’t want ice cream. I want a smoothie,” Dean groused.

“Smoothies, then. Just come on, you three.”

Dr. Enderle confirmed what Lily suspected; they all had it now.

“It’s a really nasty strain going around right now,” the doctor said. “I’ve seen so many kids come in with it and the vast majority of them are in the boys’ age group. We’re talking extreme sore throats, swollen glands, high fevers, aches and pains, chills, the whole nine. And even once they’re doing better, their immunity is still low, so we’ve also seen a lot of recurrences.”

“Oh God, I don’t even want to think about it,” Lily said, looking the boys over. Roman was still sitting on the exam table holding his head in his hands and Dean and Seth were poking each other with tongue depressors. 

“Your best bet is to keep them out of school until at least 3 days after the last fever. Lots of rest, LOTS of fluids, vitamin C, and go ahead and alternate Tylenol and Motrin to try and keep those temps in check. I’d stick with two per dose for Dean and Seth. Roman can probably have three. I’m going to go ahead and give them each a round of steroid and a shot of rocephen, and probably Augmentin all around. You can stop Seth’s z-pack. Augmentin isn’t always pretty but I think it’s time to bring in the big gun. They’re going to be sore where they get the shots for a couple of days but heating pads will help.”

“Okay,” Lily took it all in. “Got any remedies for crankiness?”

“We aren’t cranky,” Seth whined.

“Of course you’re not,” said Dr. Enderle with a wink. “The steroid shots will definitely help them start to feel better. You can give them a little Nyquil or Robitussin at night to help with the sore throats so they can sleep.”

Then Dean piped up.

“But Mama, I don’t WANT a shot.”

“I know. But you’re going to feel better. Wanna be a big boy and go first?”

“You’re teasing me!” Dean fussed, and both Lily and the doctor stifled a giggle.

“It’s okay, guys,” Dr. Enderle said. “It’ll be over before you know it and you’ll be home eating all the popsicles you can stomach.”

Two shots apiece, three prescriptions for Augmentin, and three smoothies later, they were home and snuggled up together in their parents’ bed, sound asleep. As Lily watched over them, she sank down onto the chaise and texted Tony.

_You’re on dinner duty tonight. Think of something good. Kids probably will just have soup._

A few moments later a response arrived.

_What’s this? A romantic dinner with the woman I get to call my wife? What suits you, my darling? Escargots? Steak tartare? Shrimp a la Tony?_

Lily laughed in spite of her self. Her husband sure did know how to kill a bad mood.

_Whatever we can eat in between catering to the whims of our three sick children. Who are probably never going to sleep tonight since they’re all out cold right now, but I haven’t sat down all day._

She laughed again when his next text came.

_Pizza then. I’ll be home in an hour._

Followed by,

_I hope you know you’re the best mother in the world. I love you so much._

She sighed. Okay, maybe it hadn’t been the worst day ever. 

A few moments later, she was startled when a hulking figure approached her, until she realized it was Roman. Her oldest was creeping towards her, dragging his 49ers blanket behind him, and he didn’t say anything as he crawled into her lap. She smiled and kissed his forehead. It never ceased to amaze her how grown up he was, and at 6’4” and 250 pounds, that went for physically as well as his age, but even so, he still fit perfectly in her arms when he needed her. Which, Lily thought with a pang, was less and less these days.

“Hey, you. You okay? Any better?”

Roman shook his head but then muttered,

“I’m okay.”

“Need anything?”

He sighed and nuzzled closer.

“Nope.”

Lily sighed too.

“Good. I love you, Roman.”

“Love you, Mama.”

Dammit, she was as real a mother as anyone else.

 

___________________________________________

 

Within a few days, they were all feeling better enough to get cozy in the living room instead of spending the majority of the day in bed. It was a Saturday and both parents were home, which was exactly how Roman liked it. It was cloudy and cold outside, but there was stew in the crock pot and a fire in the fireplace and warm fleece blankets piled on top of them. Mama was making dough to go into the bread maker, and Dad was sorting laundry. The boys had a movie on, but none of them was watching it. Instead they were talking.

“Know what I miss most about my life before now?” Dean asked randomly. Seth and Roman both looked at him expectantly.

“What?” Seth asked.

“Nothing!” Dean exclaimed and laughed gleefully.

“Dude. I think you’ve been hitting the Robitussin a little hard,” Roman said, but Dean shook his head.

“No, man, I’ve been thinking about it. We have it made here.”

“Hell yeah we do,” Roman said. “But what made you think of that?”

“Seth.”

“What about me?” Seth stretched.

“Like...dude, I get it, you wanting to meet Adria,” Dean said. “But I was just thinking that for me, I’m good. My first parents sucked. No need to see them ever again.”

“Your first parents are dead,” Seth pointed out. Dean shrugged.

“Good riddance.”

Roman couldn’t help notice the dull tone in Dean’s voice. None of them spoke for a moment.

“Am I wrong?” Seth suddenly asked quietly.

“About what?”

“Wanting to meet her. Mom and Dad said it’s okay. They said they don’t mind and they understand and all of that and I believe them, but...I know eventhough Mom   
understands, she’s still sad. And I hate that. I don’t want Adria to be my mother. She could never be my mother if she tried. She had her chance. But I need to know why I was so expendable.”

“Seth, you’re not expendable. You were a baby. There was nothing you could’ve done; you can’t possibly be the reason she left. And if you were, that’s on her. But you’re here now, and that’s what matters most.” Dean’s words were heartfelt, which actually kind of surprised Roman, although it shouldn’t have.

“I used to get so angry at Lisa,” Roman confided. “When Mom and Dad first brought me home, I was angry at the world, but especially at Lisa, because she was supposed to protect me. And then when I was in foster, I’d dream about her sobering up and coming for me. Plus, back then, I was just sure Mom and Dad didn’t really want me. Like they were just taking pity on me because they were supposed to, or something.”

“I was too scared to be angry,” Seth told them. “It like...it never occurred to me to be angry with Matt for starting all this, or with Adria for walking out on me. And it really never occurred to me to think Mom and Dad didn’t really want me either. Like I never thought about whether they did or didn’t. I was too busy trying to trust Mom and avoid Dad.”

“I remember,” Roman murmured, and he did. Seth had been so fragile back then. In some ways, he still was, but for the most part he’d changed and learned to trust.

“When I first came here, I was angry too,” Dean said. “At Shelby. For letting that guy use me like that. Just so she could get high. Like...like, I don’t remember a time when she was ever not using. She’d get these like...fits of conscience or something, where she’d hug me and cry and beg me to forgive her and promise me that it was going to be different. And then the first tremor would hit and it would be back to whatever the drug du jour happened to be. And I’d be right back to where I started.”

“Did Shelby ever hit you?” Roman asked.

“Nah, not...not like the boyfriends did. Shelby was always too high to hit me. She couldn’t have caught me anyway. She just yelled and screamed and told me what a mistake I was.”

“Ohhhh...the mistake bit,” Roman said knowingly. “Whenever Lisa drank, she’d say that the reason she was an alcoholic was because my father left, and the reason he left was because he never wanted me.”

“Yup. And every time Shelby reminded me about that, I wanted to laugh. Well, okay, at first it cut like a knife. But eventually I just wanted to laugh.”

“You wanted to LAUGH?” Seth seemed shocked.

“Well yeah. Because I always wanted to be like, I was such a mistake for you, but it’s not like your blunder has been any picnic for me, lady.”

Roman laughed at this. Seth looked thoughtful for a moment.

“I don’t think Matt ever said I was a mistake. He used to bash Adria a lot, and he did tell me I was useless like my good for nothing mother pretty often…”

“Do you think he beat her too?” Roman asked his brother and Seth again looked thoughtful.

“I mean...I don’t know. How could I? She was gone long before I was even aware that she was missing. But...I guess it wouldn’t surprise me. The way he talked about her? It definitely wouldn’t surprise me,” Seth replied. “But...like, if I found out he was hurting her too and she left me behind KNOWING what was gonna happen---that’d be the worst.”

Roman knew what Seth meant, sort of. He didn’t have any clear memories of his own biological father but Lisa had never had much good to say about him either. 

“When I was younger, I used to wonder if I’d been such a horrible baby that my father couldn’t take it. Like maybe I cried all the time, or spit up a lot, or maybe he just hated changing diapers so much that leaving me was a better choice. But now that I’m older, I’m pretty sure he was just an asshole,” Roman said with a laugh.

“I have no idea what kind of baby I was either,” Dean smiled too. “I mean I’m smiling or at least content in the photos Tina sent me, but I don’t think---I mean I don’t know anything about babies, but I don’t think any of them are miserable ALL the time. Are they?”

“I don’t know anything about babies either,” Seth said. “Alfie’s the first baby I ever held.” 

His brothers both nodded. Baby Alfie was the only baby Roman had any experience with either, and that was limited. They’d visited Cici in the hospital when he was born, and they’d gone over two or three times, but that was it. Alfie didn’t cry too much when they were around. He mostly slept, actually. But Cici looked tired and he’d heard his mother tell her that although she’d had her share of sleepless nights with her boys, for the most part, she didn’t know what to do about it.

“I never thought about that then, though,” Roman said, turning the conversation back to bio parents. “She never wanted me around until I wasn’t there. And even then, she never...she always missed visitation. Like always. Very infrequently did she actually show. When she did, she was all gushy and mushy and ‘oh, baby, I miss you so much, I’m gonna get you back’ and blah blah blah. But she didn’t mean it. All she would’ve had to do was get sober. And after so many times of claiming I was this horrible gaffe on the part of my father...I’m pretty sure she was really glad that I wasn’t around.”

“Shelby once told me I was the posterchild for condoms,” Dean reported. Roman sighed. Seth looked horrified.

“I’m beginning to think that maybe I didn’t miss out after all,” he whispered.

“You know, Seth---I know your life was hell without her around,” Roman began. “But maybe...I don’t know. There’s not a way to say that’s how it was meant to be because I don’t think any of us was meant to be treated the way we were. But...Seth…”

He paused. He honestly didn’t know how to explain what he meant. Roman hated what had been Seth’s life before but he honestly couldn’t imagine his own life without his youngest brother. It wasn’t right to be okay with everything, but it wasn’t true to say he wasn’t glad Seth was there.

“You guys know it’s okay to want it both ways, right?” Dean said suddenly.

“Huh?” Seth looked at him, brown eyes wide.

“It’s okay to wish it had been different, and also to be happy how it is now.”

“But we can’t have one without the other---” Seth started to protest, but Dean silenced him.

“We also can’t change the past so what does it matter? We’re right here right now. I hate how I was raised before but it’s not like I can go back and make it different. And no, I’m not sure I would, knowing what I’ve got now but it’s not like I have to decide. It’s not like I can MAKE that choice.”

Roman nodded; this made perfect sense and while leave it to Dean to be the one to point it out, he was definitely on to something. Hard as it was, he was right, and it helped to sit together and talk about it.

“I know I can’t change it. I still want to know why it happened,” Seth said. “And I want to know...like, Roman knows his biological father is Samoan, and he knows Lisa is Italian. Dean, you know both your first parents were as white as they come. All I have is a picture of Adria. I don’t remember Matt really; all I remember is what he did to me. I know I have her eyes, but why is my hair curly? Why do I tan so easily? And...did she ever love me? Was there ever a time when she thought to herself, I wonder whatever happened to Seth?”

“That’s all good,” Dean said. “But how are you going to feel if the answer is no?”

“The truth?” Seth asked and Dean nodded.

“I’ll be devastated. But...I’ll come home and OUR mother---the real one, not the ones who gave birth to us---and OUR father---the real one, not the sperm donors---and my brothers, my REAL, honest to God brothers, will help me. And eventually I think I’ll be okay. But at least I won’t have to wonder anymore.”

This made Roman pretty proud, and he told his brother so.

“It’s just...how it is,” said Seth. 

Before long, they all settled back in to watch the movie and then Roman noticed that Seth was asleep, but the flush was returning to his face and he was moving as he dozed. It looked like the fever was coming back, and to be honest, Roman was beginning to feel lousy again himself.

“I should go get Mom for Seth,” he mumbled.

“Don’t worry, Rome. I’ll handle it,” Dean said. “MOM! DAD!”

Lily was by their sides in an instant and she felt each of their foreheads before turning to their father, who had also come running at the sound of Dean’s bellowing.

“Are we on Motrin or Tylenol?” Lily asked Tony, who took a turn at the forehead feeling before replying,

“Tylenol. I’ll get it.”

“Bub? You want to go back to bed?” Their mother smoothed Seth’s hair and Seth softly mumbled,

“No...I wanna stay with my brothers…”

“Okay,” she soothed. “How about you two? You okay, kiddo? Sweetie? Do you guys want to---”

Dean interrupted her, though.

“We’re okay. We just want to be together, I think.”

And Roman had no choice but to agree.


	87. The Eyes, They Are Inherent

Meeting his biological mother ended up being both worse and better than Seth expected, and how that was even possible, he had no idea.

It turned out that Adria was in a state-run psychiatric facility in Austin. His mother had called Cassie, who had done some digging, and she found the address and phone number of the place. So Tony called, explained the situation, and it turned out Adria was willing to meet with Seth, so the plans were made. They wound up getting a hotel for the weekend. It had an indoor pool, so there would be something to do, and that way they didn’t have to cram the visit plus seven hours of driving in to one day.

This was good, too, because it made it easy for Roman and Dean to come along. They weren’t coming with them to meet Adria; that would be just Mom, Dad, and Seth, but having his brothers there helped him feel better about the whole thing.

Because the truth was, he was terrified.

In fact, Seth even honestly considered trying to back out. He knew he couldn’t do that, of course. Too many people had done too much to make this whole thing possible. But the more he thought about it, the more he just wasn’t sure he could go through with it. He hadn’t stopped wondering. Dean had made a good point though. If the answers to his questions were awful, could he really live with it? For a long time, he’d thought he could, but as date had drawn closer, and time had absolutely refused to slow down, Seth began to think that maybe he wasn’t as strong as he thought he was. 

Was living in ignorant bliss really such a bad thing? 

He could go home right now. He knew that. He could tell his parents that he’d changed his mind, thanks anyway, and they would respect that. Unfortunately, that couldn’t happen.

He couldn’t live with it if he learned that she had never wanted him in the first place, but he couldn’t live with it if he didn’t even try to find out. What a quandry.

In the end he went, and it was pretty painful. His parents had warned him ahead of time that there was a possibility that she would be so highly-medicated that she might not be able to communicate at all, and that was more or less what happened, at least at first.

Seth and his parents were met at the front by a caseworker---it was strange to realize that sometimes, adults needed those too. He listened absently to the grown ups talk about meds and symptoms and how she had to be medicated to keep her from attempting suicide, but he wasn’t paying very close attention. He kept tapping his foot and picking at his cuticles, until his mom gently trapped his hands in hers without saying a word. 

Then they’d been led to a small room with several chairs, a small table, and a sofa. Soon enough, an orderly guided Adria in and helped her sit down.

Seth took her in. Her eyes were dull and lifeless, but they were the same dark brown, wide eyes that he himself had. Her hair was short now, and it wasn’t too curly; there was maybe a slight wave to it. His nose was broader than hers, but the shape of them was the same. She had higher cheek bones, and his face was maybe slightly thinner. 

Aside from that, he looked just like her.

The deep brown coffee colored eyes, the dark brown hair, ears, the slope of their foreheads, the angle of their chins---even their body types. She wasn’t quite as tall as Lily but she still seemed to be on the tall side for a woman and she was very thin. He’d filled out more as he’d grown up and discovered weights and did more athletic things with his brothers, but he was still long and lean. They both had slender lips. They even had the same tiny gap between their front teeth, the one that everyone agreed wasn’t worth putting Seth through braces just to fix.

Their eyes crinkled the same way when they smiled. 

So his heart fell to his ankles when the caseworker said,

“Remember what we talked about, Adria? This is Seth. Seth is your son.”

And Adria replied,

“No. I don’t think so. I don’t have any children.”

His heart skipped a beat. She didn’t...remember?

Although he understood that she didn’t know any better, because she was sick and hadn’t seen him in so long, those words practically sliced him in half. Worse was knowing that no matter what the questions were, he wasn’t going to get any answers. Because that was the most painful thing he could think of, and he hadn’t even considered it until now. He’d been sure it would either be “oh, Seth, thank God, I’ve been desperate to see you again” or “sorry, Seth, but I had to get out while I could. I never wanted you.”

How can you deny me, Seth wanted to scream. But he didn’t.

Instead, he sat down across from Adria and started to make conversation.

It was like speaking to a total stranger, but it was pleasant enough. He felt like he had to keep talking, because if he stopped talking, he’d start crying. So he told her a little about himself, about his family and his school and she absorbed this knowledge, but she didn’t really add much. She smiled politely here and there, nodded once in awhile, and that was it. 

The visit basically ended when Adria, in what Seth originally thought was a moment of clarity, suddenly asked him,

“You say you’re my son?”

“Yeah, you...you gave birth to me,” Seth softly replied. 

“Oh, I don’t think so,” Adria smiled broadly at him. “I’d remember having a baby, I think. You seem like a really good boy, Seth. But I’ve never ever had children.”

“Have you ever wished you did?” Seth couldn’t stop himself from whispering the question.

Adria’s expression changed for a moment. It was almost as though she felt conflicted, like she was going to say something that didn’t mesh with how she was feeling. 

“No,” she said finally. “Look where I wound up. I don’t think I’d have been much of a mother.”

It felt like being punched in the stomach and Seth suddenly just really wanted to leave, to flee, but instead, he asked her another burning question.

“Were you...ever married?”

“Yes.”

“What’s his name?”

“Matt. Matt Rollins. He’s not a good man, Seth. He wouldn’t have made a very good father either.”

“Do you know where he is?”

“Hell.”

She gave no other indication of what she meant, and he didn’t ask. 

The meeting ended shortly after that.

But as he was leaving, his heart pounding in his chest and his hurt like a vice around his lungs, Adria spoke up.

“Seth...if I ever had had a son, it would have made me proud to have one like you.”

“Thank you,” Seth whispered, not entirely sure how he was supposed to respond. 

The youngest Girardi glanced back at his parents then, and they were both looking at him with a similar expression, but it was hard to read. It looked like a combination of caring and...pity. He decided he was ready to leave, so he started to thank Adria for the visit, but without warning, she reached out and grabbed his arm. Seth found himself staring into his own deep brown eyes, except they were still hers, but now, for the first time, they appeared to be missing their haze.

“I love you,” Adria mouthed. There was no voice to go along with that, just simply the spoken yet unspoken words that took Seth by such shock that he almost fell over.

The screaming in his head reached a fever pitch then, and he simply asked her if he could come visit her again some time, and then he couldn’t get out of there fast   
enough. He felt as though he was drowning.

Seth’s parents weren’t right behind him, and when they finally caught up to him, as he was leaning against the Escalade dry heaving into the bushes, he didn’t notice at first that Lily was carrying a medium-sized black leather box, which she passed off to Tony the moment she noticed he was in peril. He just felt her hand on his back, the other gently grabbing his hair and smoothing it away from his face.

He hadn’t eaten breakfast and nothing was really coming up but he couldn’t stop retching. But his mom didn’t stop her tender onslaught of support. She wasn’t really speaking, just murmuring soft sounds that Seth knew were meant to soothe him, but right then, all he wanted was to curl up in a ball and not exist.

He didn’t say a single word the entire 45 minute drive back to the hotel. He couldn’t. If he opened his mouth, he was sure he was going to explode. 

Emotions raged inside him. Angst. Fury. Fear. Desperation. His lungs felt constricted. Why? Why hadn’t she been able to give him more? Why hadn’t he figured she probably wouldn’t? Why had he expected that he’d walk away this morning knowing everything he’d ever wanted to know about his life? Why was he such a fucking   
idiot?

Because that’s what it really came down to, wasn’t it? Seth was an idiot. He had allowed himself to believe that he’d get what he wanted from a woman who had done the exact opposite of what a mother was meant to do, who he hadn’t really ever even known and who had never made an attempt to find him. 

But...she loved him?

Had she really meant that, or had she just figured that was what she was supposed to say? And why hadn’t she actually said it? Like out loud? Why was EVERYTHING so fucked up?

The tornado of emotions inside him began whirling faster.

They slipped into their hotel suite. Dean and Roman immediately began to crowd around him. Seth knew they were curious and worried and they wanted to help, but besides his mother’s soft hand that never left his back, he didn’t want to be boxed in, surrounded, or touched in anyway. He flinched when Roman tried to rub his arm, and he didn’t miss the hurt look on his oldest brother’s face, but he didn’t care.

Then he heard his dad quietly tell his brothers that they should go get some lunch and explore for awhile. 

But he almost didn’t make that out over the sirens inside his head.

The lather of agitation and turmoil was more than Seth could take anymore. He felt his body clench, his head bow down, and then he heard his dad’s voice.

“Hey. Hey, bub. Seth, you gotta breathe.”

He hadn’t even realized he’d been holding his breath but that was when he noticed that his lungs were screaming for air. He exhaled---and a mournful sob practically fell out of him. And then the explosion finally came.

“Why?” This was all Seth could get out at first.

“I don’t---” Tony started to reply but it all just came spilling out of Seth then.

“No, no, no, why? Why, Daddy? Mama? Why didn’t she----why couldn’t---why?” Sobs began erupting from his chest and gut, but when his parents attempted to hug him, he pulled away. Then he melted to the ground.

“Why?” Seth repeated. He didn’t see his parents exchange a look, but he felt his mother’s soft hand on his back once more.

“Seth...bub...come on,” she murmured into his ear. “Get up.”

“No...no, no, I can’t. I can’t. Why did I do this?”

“Seth, it’s okay,” Dad’s voice now, near him, above him, but Seth couldn’t see for the torrent of tears pouring down his face. His father tried to lift him up to the bed, but Seth violently twisted around and back to the floor.

“No!” The scream that came out of him made both of his parents back up.

“Okay. Okay, bub. We’re here, baby. Get it out.”

And he did. He lay on the floor and sobbed and occasionally beat his fists against the carpet. He didn’t know how long he was down there, but eventually exhaustion began to overtake him, and his sobs slowed. He didn’t stop crying, but he was reduced to tears and sniffles and when his father tried again to help him up, this time Seth allowed it. Tony gently guided him into Lily’s waiting arms, he didn’t protest. 

To their credit, neither of Seth’s parents tried to talk him out of it, opting instead to quietly support him. Their words, they seemed to realize, wouldn’t have helped. Seth needed this release. 

For a long time, he allowed himself to lay on his mother, head on her shoulder. Even after the tear tracks dried on his face, even after his brothers returned and began asking questions that Seth couldn’t answer, and their father softly directed them to the adjoining room. Even after his body finally stilled and all he could do was slump onto her and stare off into space. 

He had no idea how long, but he felt like it had to be hours, and the whole time, she never moved, save for soft fingers smoothing his now ridiculous, unruly hair. 

“Mama,” he finally whimpered. “Daddy…”

“We’re here,” Dad’s gentle voice. 

“We’ve got you, Seth,” Mama added. 

Seth felt the tension in his chest start to ease as he realized something then.

He craned his neck so that he could look up into the eyes of his mother and father. 

They were there. They were by his side, holding him, ready to help him get back together, and they always had been, and perhaps most important, they always would be. He didn’t have the answers he craved and maybe he never would, and maybe Adria had no memory of him, but Seth had parents. Two parents who would do anything for him. Who loved him. And as he looked up at them, he knew.

Light brown and bright blue eyes looked back at him. Not his eyes, no. But eyes that yielded more love than had ever been given to him in his life. Adria gave birth to him, whether she knew it or not. But today, the one piece of information that Seth COULD confirm was that she was not fit to be a parent. 

“I love you,” Seth whispered to his mom and dad. 

“We love you too, bub,” Mama murmured.

“Love you, Seth,” said Daddy.

Seth gazed up at them. He wasn’t looking in to his own eyes. But that didn’t really seem to matter anymore.


	88. Best Wrong Choice

Eventually Seth fell asleep on Lily, and then Lily dozed off too. Tony got up to check on Roman and Dean. They had plenty of questions and Tony did his best to answer them.

“So...he really doesn’t know anything?” Roman seemed flabbergasted, and Dean was crestfallen.

“No wonder he’s so upset…” Dean whispered. 

Tony nodded.

“He’s pretty...I don’t know. Mom was afraid he was in shock, but I think all of that had just built up. He’s sleeping for now. We’re gonna let him rest tonight and then we’re going to help him through this, as the strong family we are. Why don’t you guys go on down to the pool for a little while? I’m going to make sure Mom and Seth are settled and then I’ll come down and join you.”

“You probably don’t want to do that, Dad. I’m in the mood to dunk someone…” Dean grinned at Tony, who grinned right back.

“In your dreams.”

Dean had recently become cast-free and was in physical therapy daily. Swimming was one of the only things he was really able to do for exercise yet, so he’d been doing a great deal of it and he was getting pretty fast. 

Once the older boys were gone, Tony wandered back into the room he was sharing with Lily and apparently now Seth. Both were still asleep, though her fingers were still resting in his hair. He had always, always been comforted by his mother stroking his hair. Tony thought back to when he had first arrived home…

_Seth had been home all of three days, and Tony’s nerves were frayed. He flattered himself to think that he wasn’t the only one; indeed, it had been difficult for both Roman and Dean as well, and Lily---well, she had to be exhausted._

_The boy was terrified, yes. And you couldn’t blame him after everything, but for the first two nights, he had done nothing but scream. All. Night. Long. Lily never left his side; he screamed harder if she did, but they tried everything and so far none of it worked. During the day, he slept, because, Tony surmised, he was probably exhausted from all of the wailing he did at night. He refused to eat most of the time. The only word anyone had ever heard him utter was “no.”_

_In truth, Tony had never seen anything quite like Seth._

_And as things progressed, and seemed to be slowly getting worse instead of slowly getting better, he was beginning to wonder if this had been a good choice._

_Tony would rather put sticks in his eyeballs than tell this to Lily, though._

_She got less sleep than anyone else but he had yet to hear her complain. Instead, the second the youngest boy fell asleep, she got up and roused Roman and Dean and fixed them breakfast while the got up and dressed like zombies (they weren’t sleeping well either). She packed their lunches. She hugged them and kissed them and hugged them again, and told them that they were the two most amazing, patient, wonderful big brothers. Then she gently put them in the Escalade so Tony could take them to school._

_He returned to the sound of Seth shrieking again, but when he went to check, his wife waved him off._

_“What happened?” Tony asked her wearily._

_“I woke him up,” Lily murmured. “He’ll be okay.”_

_And that was pretty much how the first three days and two nights went._

_So on the third night, yeah. Tony was definitely questioning the decision they’d made. They couldn’t save them all. Could they save this one? Maybe he was too far gone…_

_And then the screams started again._

_Great, Tony thought._

_The screaming got closer, though, and the next thing he knew, Lily was leading the sobbing, frightened child into the living room, sitting on the couch, and scooping him into her arms. Her fingers found his hair and somehow, magically, Seth stopped wailing. Tony looked over at them._

_He was still a sad sight. He was crying and his nose was running and his eyes were puffy and red. In fact, his whole face was puffy and red. But what Tony noticed the most was the look in his wife’s eyes when she gazed at the child in her lap._

_That look---it was the exact same look she gave Roman and Dean._

_She already loved Seth. In her mind, there was no other way that this could go. Nope. Definitely couldn’t tell her his doubts._

_Eventually he realized that Lily was speaking and he looked up._

_“Doing just fine, bub,” she was speaking slowly, clearly, fingers still working through Seth’s crazy hair. Seth was...calmer. Still trembling slightly, still sniffling, but he was curled up in Lily’s embrace, cheek resting on her shoulder as she heaped praise on him._

_“Look at you, being such a good boy. You’re a good boy, Seth. Yes. I know you’re scared. That’s okay. But you’re safe, bub. You are safe. You are loved. You are safe.”_

_And Seth murmured,_

_“Safe?”_

_Lily and Tony both froze for a second. He could speak?_

_“You are safe,” she repeated. “You are very, very safe. Daddy and Mama are going to make sure Seth is safe. Daddy and Mama are going to make sure you are safe and loved and we are going to take care of you.”_

_“Mama?”_

_She sucked in a sharp breath._

_“That’s right. I’m going to be your Mama. I’m going to do everything that a Mama is supposed to do, bub, you’ll see. You’re being such a good boy. You have a place here, Seth. Daddy and Mama are going to keep you safe.”_

_And although the boy was fading, sleep seeping into him, eyes heavy, breathing beginning to even out, Tony heard him, clear as day, mumble,_

_“Daddy and Mama...safe…”_

He never had told Lily about his reservations, because it wouldn’t have mattered and right there that night, he realized he was being a schmuck. 

And now, looking down at his wife and child, he knew that Seth had been worth every single sleepless night, every ear-splitting shriek, every concern, every pang of sadness when the boy hid from him---he’d do it all again, for Seth.

Lily stirred. Her eyes opened, confused at first, and then as she realized she was holding their son, there was clarity.

“Doing okay?” Tony asked her quietly.

“Yeah. Really gotta pee, though. Wanna switch?”

Hell yes, Tony wanted to switch.

The moment his arms were around Seth, the child mumbled in his sleep,

“Dad?”

“Shh...yeah. Everything’s fine.”

“K…” Seth relaxed again. Lily came out a moment later and perched beside them on the bed. 

“This hurts,” she murmured, gently rubbing up and down the boy’s back, and Tony nodded. 

“Why is it of all of the things that have happened, the most painful things are the ones their own parents caused?”

“Because they’re not their parents,” Tony said quietly. “Not anymore.” 

Lily leaned over and buried her face into Seth’s hair for a moment before looking up at Tony with tearfilled eyes.

“I was sad when he told me,” she whispered. “I got it; I swear, I got it, why he wanted to know---who wouldn’t? But I was still...just...I had this nagging thought, you know? Like what if she’d been amazing and he’d loved her so much and...and…”

“And he’d wanted her instead?”

“No...no, I definitely know he’s my bub and he wouldn’t have wanted her instead but...I guess I just didn’t want...to…”

She trailed off, clearly struggling with what she wanted to say.

“Is it wrong that I prayed for this? For things to go...I swear I didn’t want them to go like THIS, I just...I wanted him to know that he’s better off with me. That there’s no better mama in the world for Seth than ME.”

“Oh, Lu...he knows.”

“No, I know. I know he does, it just...I didn’t want him to get hurt like this. I knew...I KNEW that nothing good would probably come from him meeting her but I didn’t think it would be like this.”

“I still think...I think he got what he needed, though,” Tony said slowly. “I know he’s hurting now, but did you...did you see the look in his eyes as he was falling asleep? I know he wanted answers and he didn’t get much there, but I still think he got a good dose of recollection. That his parents adore him, would halt the world for him, would love him until their dying breaths and even longer than that. Not that he ever forgot, but you know how sometimes you just...need a reminder?”

Lily smiled.

“I told him that sometimes I just forget. You know? Because they’re so much mine. Ours. Our beautiful, amazing, wonderful boys. And I couldn’t love him any more if I’d given birth to him myself. And sometimes I just forget. I want to help him, though. I know today was more or less a disaster, but I still...I want him to know about himself. What can we do? Any ideas?”

“I could run a background check on her...all that’ll give me is criminal past though…”

This made his wife laugh.

“Okay, Mr. FBI. A fun idea but not all that helpful. Did you notice the look on his face when he first laid eyes on her?”

“Yeah, like he’d seen a ghost, but man, to me it was like looking at two reflections.”

“He looks so much like her,” Lily smiled fondly. “That part is fun to know. And how proud were you when he asked her if he could visit again?”

“I’m VERY proud. I’m proud of him for having the guts to even ask us and I’m proud that he wants to keep trying. I wasn’t sure how YOU’D feel about that…”

“I wasn’t either before it actually came up, but now...I don’t know. If it’s something Seth needs, it’s something he’ll have. Period.”

Tony looked his wife over. Her eyes looked tired, but genuine and resolute.

“You know...I’m pretty proud of you too, Lu. I know this hasn’t been easy for you either and you could’ve told him no or at the very least tried to talk him out of it. But did it even occur to you to do that?”

“No. Did it you?”

“Nah. I don’t want him to resent us.”

“Exactly.

At that moment, Seth let out a soft grumble.

“Dad?”

“Hey, bub,” Tony gently loosened his grip on his youngest, and Seth shifted, so that his face was buried between Tony’s pecs. The boy was still, calm, still sleep-altered and a little exhausted but Tony could feel him breathing evenly and the way he was laying, he could also feel Seth’s strong, steady heartbeat. There as a time when the child would have hidden behind his mother the second he woke up and here he was now, resting on his father, taking comfort in his embrace, and then Tony felt his eyes begin to well up. 

Lily leaned in and kissed Seth’s cheek, and he turned his head to face her. When his eyes met hers, he smiled. She smiled back.

No one spoke for awhile.

Then Lily got up, went to the table in the hotel room, and came back with the box, the black leather box that Tony had forgotten about the second Seth had broken down.

“What’s that?” The boy mumbled, reaching one hand out for his mother’s soft hand. 

“This...the social worker gave me this. He said it...he said he wasn’t entirely sure he should, but he thought maybe you might like to see the contents. He said she saved this for you. I haven’t looked at what’s in it.”

“Is...it’s Adria’s?”

“Yeah. It’s Adria’s. Are you ready to---”

Lily’s sentenced ended prematurely when Seth sat straight up and grabbed the box with both hands, set it in his lap, and took a deep breath.

‘ “She saved it---for me? But she didn’t even remember me.”

“Seth…” Tony began. “Adria just didn’t remember you today. It’s been a lot of years since she last saw you, though. I don’t know a lot about schizophrenia but I   
imagine she wasn’t always as bad off as she is now.”

Slowly, Seth opened the box. He began pulling out notebooks, eight of them, all dated, the oldest one on top. Underneath that was a manilla envelope.

Seth opened the first notebook.

“Ohhhhh…” he whispered, gazing down at the first page.

Tony leaned over Seth’s shoulder to see that this was clearly a haphazard journal. The date at the top of the first page was the December before Seth was born. Tony felt his boy begin to tremble.

“Do you want to read it, Seth?” Lily asked him gently. Seth shook his head frantically.

“N-no...not yet,” his voice was barely a whisper. He started to twist himself around towards Tony again, then stopped and turned to reach toward his mother, before going completely still. They both heard his soft cry. Lily gently pulled the notebook out of his hands before crawling up beside him and Tony and drawing him tight between them.

“That’s okay,” she crooned quietly. “There’s already been a lot today, my baby. It’s okay, Seth William. Another time. Daddy and I will help you when you’re ready.”

Tony sat tentatively, waiting for another breakdown, but it didn’t come. Instead the boy shuddered out a sigh and relaxed, snuggling down in between them. He turned so that he could help his wife enclose their son into a Seth sandwich. But then, Seth slowly reached his hand out and picked up the envelope. Without a word, he opened it.

Dozens of pictures fell out.

A soft sound escaped Seth, but while it sounded uncertain, it didn’t seem distressed, so his parents took that as a cue to go ahead and look. 

They were baby pictures, mostly and while a handful of them featured other people, the majority of them were just Seth. As Tony took them in, he found himself amazed at how much his son had grown but also at how much he still looked like the infant in those photos. He guessed Seth was just one of those people who always looked like his baby picture; he knew people like that. He could’ve picked the boy out of any baby lineup.

It was the eyes that gave him away every time. 

They looked through the photos together, and every so often, Lily would inhale sharply. She grinned at Tony before kissing Seth’s forehead.

“This...this is such a gift,” she murmured. “Every once in awhile, I wish I had known you boys as babies. Now I feel like I kind of did. You were the most beautiful baby, bub.” 

And Tony couldn’t help but agree; he figured he was a bit biased, but baby Seth had been stunning. He picked one of the photos up. Wild curls, huge eyes, soft lips, round cheeks...and he looked cautious but not unhappy. It was an expression Tony had probably seen hundreds of times, that gentle, easy, curious face that was so unequivocally Seth. 

“Mama? Daddy?” Seth whispered.

“Hmm?” Lily replied.

“Do you think...maybe...we could give Adria a picture of me now?”

Lily and Tony shared a smile over Seth’s head.

“Of course we can,” Lily told him at the same time Tony answered,

“Damn right we will.”

“It seems like such an uneven trade, though,” Lily said suddenly.

“What do you mean?” Seth asked her, and she smiled at him.

“Uneven. So uneven. We give her a picture. She gave us you.”

 

___________________________________________

 

By the time Roman and Dean got back from swimming, Seth was awake and sitting on their parents’ bed and looking through a veritable sea of baby pictures. But he was smiling, and all signs of distress were long gone. Dean was relieved. He’d been feeling guilty all afternoon, because here he had spent so much time trying to convince his brother to go through with this, and then he had and how had it ended? Some brother he was. But Dad had explained that he’d been in need of that breakdown to help him let some of the hurt out, and now tonight he looked pretty normal.

And he stated that he was starving, which was DEFINITELY normal.

So after the older boys pulled off their bathing suits and put on sweats and tshirts and Roman and Seth had put their hair up, the five of them went out to Cracker Barrel.

Dean loved Cracker Barrel. Actually, Dean was a reasonable guy and he loved just about any food out there (except sushi, who had time for that?) but he was pretty much crazy about Cracker Barrel. Breakfast was one of the three most important meals of the day, after all, and Cracker Barrel’s breakfast was incredible. And plus, the shop attached had all kinds of old-time candy, and cute gifts and all of that. Maybe he could find something for Jessie.

The next morning when they woke up, their parents suggested they go for brunch. 

It’s not like Dean needed much convincing to partake in all you can eat breakfast and it turned out that Roman and Seth didn’t either, so before long, they found themselves seated around a table in the restaurant at the Marriott. From his chair, Dean eyeballed the buffet.

It looked incredible.

There was a vast array of salads, soup, peeled shrimp, and what appeared to be smoked salmon. Across from those, an array of breakfast foods---bacon, scrambled eggs, sausage, French toast, eggs Benedict, and potatoes. Beside that row was a gentleman making omelets and waffles to order. Covered heating bins of what Dean could only assume were delectable lunch foods were laid out after that, and on the very end of the whole spread was a guy slicing ham and prime rib. 

The very first time his parents had ever taken him and Roman to a buffet, Dean had made the mistake of loading up one plate with as much of everything that he could fit on it and then stuffing himself. Only after he’d done so was he made aware that he could go back as many times as he wanted to, but by then, he’d left no room. He was no fool, though, and he’d never made that mistake again.

The first time all three boys had been taken to a buffet, Dean took it upon himself to impart his wisdom on Seth.

“The salad is there just to fill you up. You can eat salad any day of the week, can’t you?” Dean had asked and Seth had nodded, wide-eyed. “So you skip that, unless there’s just something that you can’t live without, and get straight to the good stuff.”

Making sure his little brother did this right was part of his civic duty as a big brother.

By now, though, they were all old hat at this, so Dean left Seth to his own devices and began loading up on the shrimp and salmon, then put in an omelet order (one with everything, of course) and retreated back to the table to begin to slowly engorge himself and take the rest of the place in. 

Dean loved people watching. He thought maybe it was because of his eye for photography, but he took pride in noticing others and the details that surrounded them. For example, on the other side of the buffet sat an elderly couple. They had to be in their 80’s, but they were still holding hands. Dean figured that when his parents were that age, they’d be cute like that too. They’d hold hands and help each other get around and of course, their three sons would be around to make sure that they stayed comfortable and happy in their old age. 

A few tables away from the older couple was a young couple. Dean looked them over. He was too far away to see if she was wearing a ring, but by the googly eyes they were making at each other, he decided that they were recently engaged and celebrating this with breakfast. He wondered if that’d be him and Jessie someday. He hoped so.

Aways from them was a young family---two parents and three children. Actually, it could have been his own family in a different time, except all of the children at this table were girls. One of them caught Dean’s eye, smiled sweetly, and waved at him. He popped a shrimp into his mouth and waved back. 

Dean had always liked little kids. They were cute. He just didn’t have many of them in his life. But one day, he figured, Roman and Meg would have a houseful of them, and when the time came, he was going to be the best, coolest uncle. Way cooler than Seth.

He was just about to get back up and go for the next round when something caught his eye.

Standing next to the table with the three little girls stood---a clown? 

Huh?

Oh God.

Dean hated clowns and everything they stood for; he’d seen It, for crying out loud, and that had been enough for him. What in God’s name was a clown doing at brunch?

The pallid-faced, red-nosed weasel began rooting around in his pocket, but Dean couldn’t tell from where he was seated just what it was looking FOR. Did he have a gun in there? A knife? A rubber chicken? Was he going to joke the little girl to death? 

He hadn’t realized he was still and tense until he felt Roman’s hand on his shoulder, and he jumped. 

“You okay?”

Dean shook his head and Roman followed his gaze, and then burst out laughing. Seth glanced up. 

“What’s so funny?” 

“Look.”

Seth looked and then began giggling himself. Dean gave them both a look so cold that he was sure they’d freeze, and was irritated when instead they only laughed harder. 

“He’s just making balloon animals, Dean,” Seth pointed out. Dean watched for another minute and then heaved a giant sigh of relief; it appeared as though Seth was exactly right. The clown finally pulled a long, pink balloon out of the offending pocket and proceeded to fashion a poodle out of it, before handing it to the delighted little   
girl.

“Never shoulda let you watch It,” Seth muttered, and Dean glowered at him and went back to the buffet.

Before much longer, the young family of five got up, but the little girl broke away from them and made her way toward the Girardi’s table with her little balloon poodle and stopped right in front of Dean.

“Hi,” said the girl.

“Hi,” said Dean.

“He didn’t make you one,” the little girl pointed out.

Dean smiled.

“No, he didn’t. Think it’s because I’m a big kid?”

“Yes. Do you want mine?” And she held out a sticky little hand to offer Dean the poodle. He froze. 

What was this, a test? First a clown, and now a kid? Was she going to start spitting pea soup next? Dean looked at his parents for help, but they were watching him, baffled and lovestruck. He was on his own.

“Nah, you can keep it,” Dean finally said. “I think pink’s your color. Thank you though. Maybe next time, I’ll see if he can make me a sword.”

“Okay!” The little girl happily scampered away.

“Whoa,” Roman said once she was out of earshot. “Since when are you a kid magnet?”

But Dean didn’t answer. He couldn’t, around the lump that had formed in his throat from this exchange. He hastily stood up and went for another plate.


	89. Girl Talk

It was skiing time.

Roman had never been skiing before, and neither had either of his brothers, and he was completely psyched. 

Their parents had reserved a townhome in a resort and to the boys’ surprise, invited Megan and Jessie to join them. Megan had never seen snow or been skiing before either, but Jessie proclaimed to be an expert. 

“It’s hard at first,” she told them on the flight. “Because you have to find your balance. But once you do that it’s pretty easy and really freeing.”

Freeing sounded good to Roman.

He’d been working almost non-stop on school work. The Senior year, he’d figured, would be a breeze but yeah. No. Sure wasn’t. Not even a little. There was project after project, and then you added on the Senior service project, which there technically wasn’t even a class for, and---well, Roman was ready for Spring Break. And he knew that he’d be doing a good bit of work over the break as well, but that would come the second half. This first half? This was for fun. Fun, family, and some much-needed down time.

On the plane, Roman sat between Megan and Seth. He thought Meg seemed...shifty. She was having a hard time holding still.

“Excited much?” Roman asked her teasingly, and she gave him a mock glare but then grinned.

“SO excited. So happy,” Meg reached across Roman’s lap and touched Seth’s elbow. “Are YOU excited, Seth?”

Seth had been engrossed in a book, glasses sliding down his nose, so lost in the pages that he jumped at Megan’s contact, but then he smiled.

“I’ve never seen real snow,” he murmured. “I bet Dean’s going to wriggle in it.”

Roman and Megan both laughed; Seth was probably right. In fact, across the aisle, he was talking animatedly to Jessie.

“Snow angels, snow ice cream, snowball fights, snowmen, snow dogs, snow elephants, snow EVERYTHING!”

That was all of the conversation that Roman needed to hear to know his brother was becoming giddy. 

They landed and gathered everything from the baggage claim. Their parents had rented two SUV’s for the week, so Dean and Jessie piled in with Mom and Megan, Roman, and Seth joined Dad. The hour’s drive from the airport to the resort was nothing short of stunning.

Snow. Snow as far as the eye could see. Pristine and white and sparkly and perfect. And more was expected to fall. When the Girardi’s and the girls arrived, they were checked in and informed that they were expecting another 8 inches overnight. When Dean heard this his ears perked up. He was already looking forward to playing with the snow more than anything else. 

In fact, the second they got to their rooms, Dean disappeared into the bathroom to change into his snow clothes. 

Meanwhile, the girls were checking out the sleeping arrangements. The condo they were staying at in the resort could technically sleep 8, so there was enough space. There was a king-size bed loft (that was for Mom and Dad though), two queen-size beds, and a pull out. The floor-plan was pretty open, and with the parent loft directly above them, no one was going to try anything, so Roman had planned on sleeping with Megan in one of the queen beds but Megan and Jessie were eyeing Seth.

Finally, Jessie pointed to him.

“You’re the youngest,” she stated.

“Every day of my life,” Seth responded.

“Bet you always get stuck with the pullout.”

“Nah, I...well. I mean yeah, but I don’t mind, honest---”

“Dean and I will take it. You take a bed.”

“No, it’s okay. I don’t know if it’s big enough for two people to be comfortable---”

“Jeez, Megan, will you listen to those Girardi boy manners?” Jessie teased. “Can’t believe no one has snatched you up, Seth.”

“He doesn’t want to be snatched,” Dean said, emerging from the bathroom. “Ha. Get it? Snatched?”

“You’re crude. This is your brother. You and I are sleeping on the pullout,” Jessie said, though she stifled a giggle at Dean’s ridiculous pun. 

“But I hate the---” Dean was silenced quickly by the look his girlfriend gave him. 

“Okay, okay. We can sleep on the pullout. But come ON! I wanna go outside!”

They all bundled up, except for Lily and Tony, who opted instead to sit in the lounge of the resort and watch from the inside with coffee. It was glorious.

The snow was perfect for snowballs, and for rolling around in, so the first thing Roman did was tackle both of his brothers to the ground and begin to try and bury them. Seth wriggled away pretty easily but Dean was stuck, so Roman sat on him and gathered up an armful of snow to dump on his brother’s face. Dean came up laughing, face already beet red, and finally managed to crawl out from under Roman. The girls, meanwhile, were rolling a ball into the bottom of a snowman, singing the song from Frozen.

Then Roman tackled Megan from behind, laughing, and rolled her over and kissed her passionately. 

Seth rolled his eyes.

Dean gave Jessie a hungry look.

Roman and Megan didn’t notice, though. They were too busy with their eyes locked, thoroughly enjoying each other’s company.

 

_____________________________

 

From the lounge, Lily looked up.

“Roman and Megan are going to melt the snow,” she observed to Tony, who was holding Lily’s hand as they watched their three children experience this wonder. Tony laughed.

“They’re cute,” he said. Lily gazed at him.

“So are you,” she murmured. “Do you remember when we were young like that?”

“We’re still young,” Tony replied. 

“Well...we’re not dead anyway,” came Lily’s response, and Tony laughed again.

“We’re both pushing 50,” she reminded him.

“We’ve got a couple of years yet,” he said. “And you’re as beautiful now as you were at 21 anyway. Believe me, baby, you have nothing to worry about.”

Lily grinned.

“Good answer, Agent,” she spoke with a smile in her voice. “God, how I love those boys, T. They look so happy.”

“You know? They ARE happy. I remember worrying about that when they each came home, whether we could make them HAPPY. Not necessarily if we could keep them safe, just whether we could make them happy. You know?”

“Does every parent worry about that?” Lily wondered.

“Ha. Nine years later and we’re still asking if they way we feel is what parents are supposed to do,” Tony smiled at his wife.

“Nine years. Nine YEARS. God, Tony. You know we’ve now had Roman roughly half his life?”

Tony looked out the window again at their oldest son, who was helping his girlfriend up and brushing her off. Their wrestling had stopped a bit ago, and they’d been making snow angels, but soon all five of the kids were working on that snowman together.

“We’ve done damn good,” he said.

That night, something woke Lily up. A noise below or something---the kids had settled down pretty nicely and it wasn’t long before they all were sound asleep---  
before Lily and Tony. She had made sure everyone was warm and cozy before climbing the stairs to the loft. She really liked this arrangement---the open floorplan gave   
everyone some privacy while still allowing her to be able to tell right away if someone needed her. 

It also enabled her to hear that noise, so she got up and crept down the stairs. 

Dean was awake, sitting by the window and watching as the sky dumped buckets of snow onto the earth. He acknowledged his mother without looking up.

“It’s beautiful,” he whispered. She wrapped her arms around him.

“It is. Are you glad we came?”

“I’m so glad. I’m glad we’re here, and I’m glad Megan and Jessie are here, and---and---and Mama? I’m in love with her.”

Lily felt her heart swell. Her boys sure were happy. There was no better feeling than this, sitting by the window with her arms around her middle child, watching the   
snow and listening to him confess his deepest feelings.

“I’m happy for you,” she murmured. 

“Do you love her, Mama?” Dean whispered the question.

“Oh, Dean. I think that you and Jessie fit together. You know? You bring out the good things in each other, and that’s exactly what a couple is supposed to do.”

“But do you love her?” Ah. The boy was looking for affirmation.

“I love her. I don’t love her the way I love you. The love I have for you is reserved for just three amazing boys. But yes. I do love her. Because she’s made your heart happy. I feel thankful to her, too.”

Dean leaned back against her and sighed. Within moments he was asleep. But Lily would never have dreamed of moving from that spot.

The next morning came the first ski lessons. 

Tony proclaimed that he could teach everyone himself, much to Lily’s chagrin. But he insisted, so she caved, and that morning found the seven of them at the top of the simplest bunny slope. 

Roman, Megan, Seth, and Jessie managed to get themselves up there and were patiently awaiting the lesson.

Dean was having a hard time moving in his skis.

“You can’t take regular steps, sweetie,” Lily tried to show him. “You have to glide, like this.”

The boy tried to glide, and wound up falling over.

Seth and Roman attempted to help him up, and they wound up falling over, too. 

Tony gave a valiant effort at getting the three of them to their feet and he wound up on top of the pile.

The girls all stood around them and tried unsuccessfully not to laugh.

Dean fell roughly two dozen times that first day, but it was all in fun, and he was always surrounded by people to help him back up, and he didn’t cause an avalanche, and he didn’t seem bummed at all that by the time it grew dark, he hadn’t actually made it down a trail yet, so Lily counted this as a massive victory for the first family ski trip.

The next day went considerably better.

The day after that went better still. 

By then, they had settled into a routine; they’d sleep in each morning, then get up and eat some lunch in the townhome, then hit the slopes. They’d ski for a few hours (praise God for warm winter clothing) and then stop while it was still light out to get in some quality play time before dark. Then, the seven of them would go up and change and meet downstairs. 

The resort had four restaurants, so there was really no need to leave, though by the fourth day, Megan, Jessie, and Lily were all beginning to need a change of scenery, so they hopped a shuttle into town and went shopping. The guys stayed back to no doubt make as much mischief as they could. The ladies found it hard to worry about that though.

The strip in town had plenty of shops; everything from old-fashioned candy bin shops, to vintage decor, to posh boutiques, to antique stores. Lily was in Heaven; shopping had always been a favorite pastime. The boys liked to go to the mall, particulary if they were shopping for them, but they’d never have gone for this. Megan and Jessie, however, had a blast.

The very first place they stopped was one of several vintage boutiques, were Jessie claimed she hoped to find a prom dress.

“Dean and I aren’t terribly traditional,” she told Lily and Megan. “I don’t want a bridesmaid gown. I want something that’s ME.” 

Lily had to respect that. 

“Prom is soon,” she said, and Jessie grinned.

“I know. I’m so excited.”

“So am I. Do you and Dean have plans yet?” Megan jumped in.

“Other than that we’re going? Not really,” Jessie replied as they all searched the racks. “Dean says he wants to wear a white tux and a top hat and carry a cane.”

His mother couldn’t help but laugh.

“Yeah...that sounds like something Dean would want,” Lily said. “I don’t think he OR Roman has given any thought to tuxes yet. Think white is what he’ll end up with?”

“Oh, I don’t care,” Jessie said. “Dean can wear whatever he wants as long as he has comfortable shoes. I don’t care how bad he is at dancing; we’re gonna anyway.”

Lily laughed again.

“Don’t tell him that,” she said. “You have no idea what he’ll come up with if you do.”

“I don’t mind. I like Dean’s creativity. It’s one of my favorite things about him...well. I mean, everything’s my favorite thing about him,” Jessie blushed. Lily smiled.

“I’m really glad to hear you say that,” she said softly. And she was. Dean was such a free spirit and he was so young; she was thankful that Jessie had no desire to   
clip his wings and instead, encouraged him to fly.

“It’s the truth,” Jessie said. “Art is power, and he’s so good...I think for him the worst part about being hurt after the accident was not being able to draw or shoot his camera or anything like that.”

“I know,” Lily agreed. 

“Plus, his heart is pure gold,” Jessie continued to confide in Lily, who already knew all of these wonderful things about her son but who relished hearing them anyway. “Brett loves him.”

Dean had been going with Jessie to visit Brett at the facility he now lived at, and he always came home with a story about the boy. But Lily got the feeling that as much as Dean enjoyed the visits, the real reason he went was to spend some extra quality time with his girlfriend.

“We should go to prom together,” Jessie said to Megan.

“Are you and Tony going to chaperone this year?” Megan asked Lily.

“I...don’t know,” Lily began. “We’d love to; we had a really good time last year. But I think this year, we’ll probably stay home and spend the evening with Seth.”

“You don’t think Seth will go?” Jessie seemed to feel this odd, but Lily shook her head.

“Seth isn’t terribly in to stuff like that. If he had a girlfriend I think he’d go, for sure. But I’m fairly certain he won’t just go by himself. Even if he’s with you guys. I think...don’t get me wrong, he loves his brothers and he really likes you girls a lot, but I think sometimes he feels like a fifth wheel.”

“Aww...he shouldn’t feel that way. We should find him a date for prom, Megs,” Jessie said.

“I’m not sure he wants one,” Megan replied. “I’ve known Seth a long time; he’s just not the type to get all crazy over a dance.”

“I wouldn’t say Dean is either,” Jessie retorted. “But this is prom…”

In the interest of keeping things from getting heated (and because really, there was no point in arguing; Seth wasn’t going to date anyone just because someone else wanted him to), Lily grabbed a dress off a rack and held it up to Jessie.

“What do you think of this?”

The dress was a rich burgundy color, lace lined, and totally vintage. Jessie’s eyes lit up.

“It’s GORGEOUS!” She squealed. “Do you think the color is okay with my red hair?”

“I think it’s a deep enough shade of red. I wouldn’t go with like firetruck red, but this? Yeah, I think this is good. What do you think, Megan?”

“I like the color,” Megan agreed. “You should totally go try that on.”

Jessie disappeared into the dressing room, and Lily and Megan exchanged a smile.

“See anything YOU like in here?” Lily asked.

“Oh...no. I mean, yes, but not for prom. Some of the clothes are really cute but I’m traditional. For prom, I’ll take a bridesmaid gown.”

They both laughed. Then Jessie emerged from the fitting room.

She looked stunning; radiant. Her skin actually seemed to glow. The dress was absolutely lovely on her, and Lily told her so.  
Jessie blushed as red as her hair. 

"Thank you,” she murmured, almost shyly. “It’s really expensive, though. I don’t think I can buy it…”

“Nonsense,” Lily replied. “Tony and I will take care of it.”

“I...I can’t let you do that,” she whispered. “You already do so much for me…”

“Jessie,” Lily began, “it’s okay. We do things for you because we WANT to, not because we feel we have to. You look absolutely gorgeous and I can tell you feel good in it.   
This is THE dress. And you shall have it. Go change.”

The tone in Lily’s voice left no room for argument, so Jessie threw her arms around Lily and squeezed. Lily kissed the top of her head, and sent her off to the fitting rooms, and turned to Megan.

“We’d like to get yours, too,” she said softly. “I know your dad’s hit a rough patch with the oilfields, so if you need some help with your gown, please just let me know. Tony and I would like to do that for you.”

Megan grinned.

“I’ll talk to my parents,” she said.

As they were checking out, Megan’s eyes fell on something up near the cash wrap, and she squealed softly.

“Ohhhhhh…” 

It was a simply adorable, purple lace romper---for a baby. 

“This is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen,” she murmured, a lazy smile on her face. “Someday, Roman and I are gonna have a little girl and I’m gonna dress her in clothes like this.”

Lily had to admit that it WAS pretty precious, both the outfit and the fact that Megan thought about having babies with her son someday. 

“So you and Roman want kids?” Lily asked, signing the card receipt for Jessie’s dress.

“Oh, yes,” Megan said. “Lots, maybe...I mean, not now or anything, of course, but after college...we want so many kids.”

“I know he’s always wanted to be a dad,” Lily replied. “He’ll make a good father, Roman. Don’t you think?”

“Oh, I know he will,” Megan said. “He’s incredible with kids. Sometime, you should watch him when he’s reading to a class of first graders. He’s so big and tough but when he gets around a little one he’s like putty. I love it.”

“How about you, Jessie?” Lily asked. “Do you and Dean want kids someday?”

“I...I don’t know,” Jessie paused. “I mean, yeah, I DO want kids but...Dean and I, we both have...a history. With parents. So...like...I don’t know how that’s gonna happen yet.”

“That’s okay. You’re both 17; you don’t have to decide anything now. You know that right?” Lily placed a hand on her arm. “Just concentrate on being teenagers for right now.”

“We are,” Jessie said softly. A shadow had crossed her face, though, and it made Lily feel bad. Here the girl was, fairly new to foster care, and Lily was asking her about her future like that. 

“Hey---are you girls hungry?” Lily asked, hoping to lighten the mood. “I noticed a cafe up the road. It looks like a 50’s diner or something.”

This made Jessie brighten.

“Yes! I’m famished! I’m dying for a greasy burger!” 

Lily laughed and she linked arms with both girls, silently thanking God for these two sweet souls that made her boys so very happy, and who would happily satisfy her need for some girl time.

 

__________________________

 

If you sat Dean down, put a gun to his head, and forced him to say whether he liked skiing or Hawaii better, he’d never have been able to do it.

It was just fun, skiing, and this trip was so special because it was his first time ever to see the snow for real, and because his family was there, and because so was his girl---he wasn’t sure he could thank his parents enough for inviting them along.

Skiing was getting easier with practice. Roman was a natural at it, of course, but that was just Roman---pretty much everything he ever did turned out perfectly. More surprising to Dean was how well Seth did, and fairly effortlessly. Which sounded terrible and Dean knew it, but Seth just wasn’t very athletic, although he HAD been working out and he did like to play basketball and whatever else he and Roman wanted to do so maybe this was no longer a fair assessment.

Both Megan and Jessie had taken to it as well. It only took Megan a few tries to master the art, and Jessie had clearly had some practice.

This left Dean as sort of the odd one out, but he didn’t care. He stopped falling after about the third day, and by the fifth day he made it down a more difficult slope without killing himself or anyone else, which was a definite bonus. 

The other bonus was the way Jessie fawned over him every time he got it right. He never would have thought he would actually LIKE being babied by anyone other than his mother, but something about Jessie’s obvious pride at his improvement had him kind of giddy. 

“Wow, you were amazing! I’m really proud of you, baby! You’re so good at this!” 

It practically made him wriggle like an excitable puppy. He was so whipped and he knew it and he loved it, that was the thing.

He wished there was such a thing as tandem skiing. He wanted to sail down a slope hand in hand with her, but steering was hard enough on his own. Instead he settled for holding hands on the lift, and stealing a kiss every so often when they were high above the ground.

One day about 6 days in to their vacation, he decided he was ready to attempt an even harder slope along with his brothers. The girls opted to watch from the bottom, and Seth went first. He sailed down beautifully and gracefully, kind of like a gazelle, Dean thought. Roman let him go next.

It would’ve been perfect, except the end of his right ski caught a rock about two-thirds of the way down. One moment he T upright, navigating the slope and the next, he was rolling down it. He came to a stop at the bottom, not really hurt but with the wind knocked out of him for sure.

As he lay there gasping and trying to figure out if all of his limbs were still attached, Jessie’s face came into view above him. She was saying something, but he couldn’t make it out, and then she rested her hand on his cheek and time stood still. He slowly became aware that he was surrounded, by family and strangers alike. A ski coach who had witnessed him wipe out carefully helped him to his feet and passed him to his dad, who wrapped an arm around his son. 

They went back to the lodge for the day after that.

The next morning, Dean was sore but definitely not out, and he knew they only had two days left, so while his mom and dad encouraged him to rest, he declined. He wanted one more go at the slopes.

They all started off easy that day, working their way up to the tougher stuff. By the time they reached one of the more difficult slopes, Dean’s neck and back were aching something fierce, but he still soared down the slope and made it all the way to the bottom without incident.

Seth came next, and they bumped fists when he reached the bottom.

“That was awesome, brother,” Seth said to Dean, his face flushed with cold and adrenaline. Dean grinned.

“You too. Check out Rome.”

And right as Dean said it, Roman slid right up to them. 

“Is it bad that I don’t ever want to leave?” Their oldest brother asked them, and Dean and Seth both laughed. 

“We gotta do this again,” Seth agreed and Dean nodded. “This is way too amazing to never come back.”

“Bet we will,” Dean said, watching as Jessie got ready to take off. “Bet we could even talk them into going to the Rockies or something next.”

“Maybe,” said Roman, who was watching Megan, who was also getting ready to take off. “Are they too close?”

“Nah...I think they’re okay,” Dean said slowly, watching as both girls took off at about the same time. 

For a moment, they both looked fine, but then Jessie lost control and veered sharply to the left---directly into Megan’s path. They collided, HARD, it looked like, and Dean felt his heart skip a beat.

“Megan!” Roman yelled as both Megan and Jessie went down in a heap and slid the last hundred feet or so. Dean had his skis off before they even stopped moving and was racing to Jessie’s side.

He vaguely heard Seth yelling for their mom and dad, but the only thing his tunnel vision could see was Jessie, still as a stone in the snow. He got to her, knelt down, freeing her of her goggles and taking her hand.

“Dean,” she whimpered softly.

“It’s okay, Jess,” he whispered back. “It’s okay, I’m here. Just try not to move.”

“Dean,” she whimpered again, tears beginning to fall now, and the sight broke Dean’s heart.

“Shhh...Jessie,” he murmured. Lily was kneeling beside them now too, soothing Jessie’s hair back off her face and trying to talk to her.

“What hurts, baby?” Lily asked her calmly, though they could clearly see the problem.

“My ankle,” Jessie wailed, a sob escaping her. “My ankle---Dean, I think---I think it’s broken.”


	90. The Things You Just Can't See

It hurt. That’s all Jessie could think of as they placed her on a backboard and carried her over the snow, placed her on a gurney, and loaded her into an ambulance. They’d splinted her ankle by that point, but still, every bump, every movement, every breath sent excruciating pain through her. 

She wished she knew if Megan was okay.

Dammit, she’d been dumb. She knew Dean was watching and she wanted to look impressive, and it really wasn’t in her nature to care if anyone was impressed at her or not, but man, she was crazy nuts about this boy. Him and his whole family, actually; they accepted her so honestly. She was more at home with them in six months than she had ever been with her own parents in her entire life.

Jessie was vaguely aware of people speaking around her, but she was having trouble making out what they were saying. She didn’t know where Dean was, and she was beginning to panic. She HATED doctors with a passion. She was scared and hurt and all she really wanted was for Dean to hold her hand.

“Dee,” she murmured softly and then she heard a voice. It was speaking to her directly and through her agonized haze, she understood. It wasn’t Dean, but it was almost as good. It was his mother.

“Hang on, girlie,” Lily’s voice was soft. “Just hang on. We’re almost there.”

“Dee...Dean?” Jessie wailed again. 

“Shhh...he’s coming. Dean’s coming. He went to get your purse and stuff, and he and Tony are meeting us there. It’s okay.”

Jessie let the tears start falling again then. She was so scared, in so much pain, and...and...she just wanted it to go away.

Lily seemed to sense this.

“I know,” Jessie felt soft hands gently wipe her tears away. “I know, baby. Pretty soon we’re going to get you fixed up. Get your ankle all fixed and make sure nothing else is going on, and get you into a comfy bed to rest. You gotta hang on for me, though.”

She wondered what Lily meant by “make sure nothing else is going on.”

As soon as they arrived in the tiny local hospital ER, she found out.

Before she even knew what was happening, she was out of the ambulance and being poked and prodded and it fucking HURT, dammit, and she was still crying, too hard to coherently communicate. And where the hell was her boyfriend?

Suddenly, she felt him, all rough skinned and gentle, holding her hand and saying something that she couldn’t quite make out.

Jessie had never really understood why people thought of Dean as a tough guy. Sure, maybe on the exterior, but she’d seen him cry, for God’s sake. She’d held him the night he poured his guts out about his past. And besides all that, he’d never been anything but soft to her. Every time they kissed, every time they made love, every time he simply touched her, he had always been extremely tender. Almost to a fault; she wouldn’t have minded him being a little firmer on occasion, but right then, his voice and his gentle hand in hers was exactly what she wanted, exactly what she NEEDED. The screaming inside her head began to quiet.

“They think your ankle is broken, baby,” Dean was explaining, which Jessie had already known. 

“I know,” she whimpered, finally able to speak. A nurse immediately began asking her questions.

“Do you know your blood type?”

“Um...A negative…”

“Have you ever had an allergic reaction to any medications?”

“N-no…”

“Any history of heart disease or high blood pressure in your family?”

“I-I don’t think...I don’t think so,” she could hear her voice shaking as she spoke. “P-please, it hurts…”

“I know,” the nurse’s voice was soothing. “We’re going to run some routine tests and take you for an x-ray, but the doctor will order you something for pain. You’re going to be just fine, Jessica.”

“Not Jessica. Jessie,” Dean murmured, placing a chaste kiss on her lips before resting his forehead against hers. “My beautiful, perfect Jessie.”

The nurse, whose own name tag read Sylvie, smiled.

“Okay, beautiful, perfect Jessie. This your boyfriend?”

Jessie felt herself smile through the pain.

“Y-yeah,” she couldn’t stop shivering, but still, having Dean nearby made her feel calmer.

“Bet he takes good care of you,” Sylvie said, squeezing Jessie’s other hand. “Hang tight. I’ll be right back.”

“You’re doing great, baby,” Dean told her as soon as they were alone. “Mom’s checking on Megan, but it looks like she’s sprained her shoulder or something but otherwise she’s okay.”

“I’m s-sorry,” Jessie murmured, trying hard not to start crying again. Sylvie came back and Dean waited to reply. The nurse carefully exposed Jessie’s hip, then injected something into it.

“There you go, sweetheart. This’ll help. Try and relax, okay? Just try and relax. We’ll be moving you to radiology soon.”

After Sylvie had gone, Dean quietly asked,

“Why are you sorry? Baby?”

“Ruined the vacation...ruined everything,” she murmured. Her body was starting to feel strangely warm all of a sudden, like she’d drank some hot coffee. She realized then that while she could still feel her ankle throb, it didn’t exactly hurt anymore. Her limbs were beginning to feel kind of heavy, but it wasn’t a bad feeling. Not at all.

“Jess...you didn’t ruin anything,” Dean whispered as he kissed her again.

“Did too,” she mumbled. She wasn’t going to be able to stay awake much longer; this much she knew, but she needed to tell him...she needed him to know.

“I love you…” Jessie knew her voice was barely audible, but Dean seemed to hear her just fine, and as he leaned over her, he whispered,

“You haven’t ruined anything. When you’re with me, everything is perfect. It’s okay to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up. I’ll protect you. I love you so much.”

Jessie felt her eyes close, and she didn’t remember anything after that.

 

______________________________________________________________

 

Roman was pacing the waiting room. 

Megan had been taken upstairs for an MRI of her shoulder, and he was NOT dealing with the separation well at all. 

She’d only cried a little, and Roman was pretty sure it was because of worry over Jessie, but the people from the lodge had insisted she go to the hospital anyway, so they took her via ambulance. He was allowed to ride with her, and she protested the whole way.

“Roman. This is silly,” she complained. “I don’t think I’m hurt, just bruised up.”

At that moment, the ambulance had hit a bump that jolted her, and she flinched and cried out a little. Roman raised an eyebrow at her.

“Okay, okay,” Megan conceded with a sigh. “I guess getting my shoulder looked at can’t hurt.”

He couldn’t settle down. The love of his life was separated from him, hurting and scared and surrounded by strangers, and he was helpless, absolutely powerless, to fix it. He wondered if this was what his own parents felt like when HE was hurt or sick. 

Roman felt his father’s hand on his shoulder and he jumped and looked around.

Seth was slumped into a chair in the waiting room. He looked tired. Their mother was next to him with her arm around his shoulder. And Dad stood beside Roman, who hadn’t noticed how hard he was breathing until his father’s hand on him brought him back to reality. Tony engulfed him into a hug.

“You know she’s okay,” he quietly reminded his son. “She’s just getting checked out. Just...come sit down. Okay?”

It felt like someone had let the air out of Roman than, and he sagged against his dad.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. Is Dean with Jessie?”

“Dean is with Jessie,” Tony confirmed. “She’s resting; they’re pretty sure her ankle is broken but they’re waiting on some tests before they x-ray her. She was in a lot of pain, so they gave her some meds. Mom looked in on them a moment ago, and she was asleep while Dean sat with her.”

“Okay. Okay. That was just...scary.”

“I know, son,” Tony said softly. “I know.”

Roman sat down next to Seth, and his mother reached across his baby brother’s lap to grasp his hand.

“They’re both going to be fine. Just some healing to do. I hate that our trip will end on this note, but before this, did you guys have fun?”

“Yeah,” said Roman, and Seth nodded. They sat quietly for awhile.

“Daddy?” Seth said suddenly.

“Yes?”

“I think I know where I want to go for my bucket list trip.”

Roman looked at him, grateful for the change of subject. 

“Where, Seth?” Roman asked his brother.

“Well, I’ve been reading Much Ado About Nothing for English Lit, and I’ve read some other Shakespeare and I really kind of like it, so I was sort of thinking I’d like to go to the UK.”

“Okay…” Tony said slowly. “I think we can make that happen. Very beginning of the summer? I think we’re planning on going to the coast for the Fourth this year, and we have a big trip planned for early August.”

“For our Famiversary?” Seth asked hopefully.

“Yup. We were thinking about surfing maybe down in Costa Rica. They’re supposed to have really good waves.”

Roman grinned.

“That’d be awesome,” he said. “Kind of my last hurrah before I start school.”

“Yes. That’s true,” Lily said. “We’ll still take trips though. Just have to work them around your schedule.”

“I’m glad the three of you turned out to be such good travellers,” Tony told them. “Mama and I travelled a whole lot before you guys came along, and we always loved it.”

“I’m ready to go home though,” Roman said, turning serious. “Get Megan home and take care of her. And finish up my service project. We have a couple more schools to go to.”

“Do you want me to help next week? I don’t have anything going on, really,” Seth volunteered.

“Sure, that’d be great.”

The wait continued, until a nurse came to the door. 

“Roman?”

He sat up straight.

“Yeah. Me. I’m Roman. Is Megan---” 

“Megan’s waiting for you. Come on. I’ll take you to her. Are you her parents?” The nurse, Tonya, turned to Lily and Tony.

“No,” Tony said. “We’re his parents. Her parents are in Houston; we were here on vacation when the girls collided.” 

“Okay. Well, since Megan’s 18, we can’t disclose any medical information but she’s asking for you, Roman. Is there a number where we can reach her parents?”

“We’ve already contacted her parents,” Tony said, scrolling through his phone, “but yes. I can write down their phone numbers for you. Is everything okay?”

Tonya hesitated. 

“Let me just bring Roman to her for now.”

Lily and Tony exchanged glances, an action not lost on their oldest son. Something was going on, Roman realized, and it couldn’t be anything good.

The second he saw Megan he sprinted to her side. She was crying, or she had been; Roman could tell by the tear tracks on her cheeks. Odd, he thought, because she really hadn’t cried much before she’d gone up for her MRI. Her shoulder was in a sling. He wondered if perhaps she was in worse shape than she first thought.

Minding her shoulder, Roman hugged Megan close. 

“What is it, babe? Is it broken?”

Megan buried her face into Roman’s shoulder and shook her head. For awhile, neither of them spoke while he held her, her body shaking with sobs.

“I love you,” Roman whispered helplessly. He was hoping his words would help, but the beautiful girl in his arms only cried harder.

“Listen...it’s okay, you know? If you need surgery, I know my mom can find someone really good to fix you up. Maybe even in time to start playing basketball next year. Don’t worry, Megs, it’s okay. I’m here. I’ve got you, I---”

“No...Roman,” she whispered, interrupting his attempt at consoling her.

“It’s not broken. It’s not dislocated. There’s a bad bruise, but...but the MRI...it showed something that shouldn’t be there.”

“What? Is something torn? Baby, it’ll be okay, I promise.”

“Roman…” Megan’s voice was barely audible. “There’s a lesion. And there’s a lump under my arm.” She raised the sling to show him, and there was indeed a raised, bruised lump. It looked very different from any bump or bruise Roman had ever had, but that was hardly cause for concern. As he looked into Megan’s eyes though, he saw fear that suddenly made no sense for a shoulder injury, and what she was trying to tell him suddenly began to click.

“Okay,” he said quietly, taking her hand. “What exactly is it that they think is happening here?”

“They told me...that when I get back to Houston I...need to see my doctor pretty fast.”

“Why?” Roman knew his voice sounded stony, but he had a feeling he knew now where this was going.

“They drew blood...my white blood cell count is high...they think I might have…” Tears filled Megan’s eyes again and threatened to overflow. “Roman...they said it might be nothing but they also said that sometimes...some blood...cancers...manifest...like this.”

It felt like Roman’s heart stopped beating. Cancer? Wait a minute. She’d been in a skiing accident, which as far as Roman knew did not cause cancer. He voiced this to Megan, who looked at him through tear-filled eyes, but with a soft smile on her lips.

“No, baby...what they mean is that if I have it, I had it before the accident.”

“Okay...so what do we do?”

“We?” Megan asked.

“We. You and me. Don’t think for one second that I’m gonna let you do any of this on your own.”

Megan smiled a genuine smile then.

“I love you, Roman,” she whispered. “So...I guess what we do is talk to my parents when we get back to Houston. The doctor said I’ll need to see my doctor for a full blood workup and maybe a PET scan...I’m so scared.”

Roman hugged her tighter.

“I know. I know you are. But Meg, I promise, no matter what happens, I’m going to be there for you. I love you. You’re my girl. And whatever you need....I’m going to make sure you get it.”

Megan was still crying softly into Roman’s neck, but she tilted her face up towards him. 

“I don’t have a damn clue how I got so lucky,” Megan began. “But I don’t think you’ll ever know how thankful I am for you.”

“Mutual,” Roman said, and he pulled her in tight again, so that she wouldn’t see the tears that were threatening to begin to fall.

 

____________________________________________________

 

Dean sat by Jessie’s bed, her hand in his.

She was dozing fitfully, the pain meds helping just enough to keep her as comfortable as possible, but not quite enough to allow her to really sleep.

He wasn’t sure what was going on with Megan, but he hadn’t seen hide nor hair of his family since they arrived, and he hoped that didn’t mean something was seriously wrong. 

The other thing Dean wasn’t sure about was why no one had come to x-ray Jessie’s ankle yet. Maybe they wanted to let her rest first?

As long as she wasn’t crying anymore, he was fine with whatever. But seeing his girl cry...it was more painful than anything else he’d ever experienced. His mother had told him once that part of parenthood was hurting whenever your children hurt. Dean decided that must be a big part of boyfriendhood, too. 

He hadn’t realized how tired he was until he found himself dozing in the small plastic chair he sat on. This tiny small-town hospital definitely lacked the comforts of the hospital in Houston that he’d spent so much time becoming acquainted with. 

Dean’s calm, peaceful reverie was shattered when Sylvie, the nurse from earlier, came almost storming back into the room and began gently patting Jessie’s cheek.

“Jessie? Can you wake up and talk to me? There’s something we need to discuss.”

Jessie groaned softly and turned her face away from the onslaught, clearly none too keen on waking up. Dean stood, leaning protectively over his girlfriend.

“Listen,” he knew he needed to not sound like a jerk right now, even though he was more than a little irritated at the moment. “I get you need to talk to her but she’s comfy and this is taking forever. Can’t she just sleep until it’s time for her x-ray?”

Sylvie gave Dean a look he couldn’t decipher.

“Well...maybe...can you answer some questions for me?”

“MORE questions? What could you possibly need to know that you didn’t ask her before?”

Sylvie still had that odd look on her face; she didn’t look angry, exactly, but she did look...serious.

“What I need to know is how far along she is.”

Dean stared at her, clueless. How far along she was....at what? 

“Well...she’s a Junior...we both are...but what does that have to do with anything?” Dean asked, mistakenly thinking Sylvie meant school.

“No, Dean,” Sylvie said firmly. “I need to know how far along she is in her pregnancy.”

Dean burst out laughing; this was ludicrous. There was no way.

“Jessie isn’t pregnant,” he managed to choke out between giggles.

“I have a pregnancy test that says otherwise,” Sylvie looked him dead in the eyes, and Dean stopped laughing.

“But...she never...no. No, there’s just no chance,” Dean gazed down at the beautiful sleeping figure beside him---and for the first time, he noticed the tiny, almost imperceivable curve on her usually completely flat stomach and he knew.

“But...but…but…” Dean was stuttering now and he knew it, shamelessly trying to buy time. His head was spinning; this had to be a mistake; it just HAD to be a mistake. 

“Here. Sit down,” Sylvie offered him his chair and he collapsed into it. “Take a deep breath. Don’t you hyperventilate on me.”

Dean did his best to suck in a breath, then another, but his heart felt like it was going to pound out of his chest. He would not pass out. Dammit, he would not pass out. He could feel Sylvie patting his back.

“How---I mean, you---you took a test?”

“Yes---when a young woman comes into the ER, especially in need of x-rays, it’s standard procedure. Your reaction...you really didn’t know?”

Dean shook his head, a little too fast, and he felt himself get slightly dizzy.

“There’s...I mean we use protection. We use….oh God...oh SHIT.”

Sylvie sighed.

“What’s the likelihood that Jessie doesn’t know either?”

“I don’t...how could you not know? But...but I can’t believe she wouldn’t tell me…”

“Sometimes you don’t know, especially if it’s very early. And sometimes you...kind of...force yourself not to think about it.”

“I think she’d have told me...no. I KNOW she’d have told me. So...so either she doesn’t know or...that other thing you said.”

Sylvie patted Dean’s arm. 

“That’s why we need to wake her up. Are you okay? Do you need some water?”

“No, I---I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m...but you...you gave her medicine. Did it hurt the baby?”

Sylvie smiled at him.

“No. The medicine we gave her was just enough to take the edge off, and it wasn’t one that will cause any side effects to the baby.”

A baby. Dean and Jessie were having a baby. He was going to be a FATHER. He felt himself start to panic again.

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay,” Sylvie said. “Do you want me to go get one of your parents?”

“NO,” Dean said, more forcefully than he’d meant to. He wasn’t at all sure why but right then, telling his parents was the absolutely last thing he wanted to do.

“Then you’ve got to calm down. I’m sure you and Jessie will be able to work it out. But right now she needs you to be there for her. Because baby or no baby, her ankle’s gotta be fixed first. Come on. Help me wake her up.”

Dean leaned over his girlfriend so that their faces touched and he placed a soft kiss on her cheek.

“Jess? Baby? You in there?”

“Mmmm, no, Dean, I’m sleeping…”

“I know...baby, I know. But we really...there’s something we need to talk about.”

Jessie’s eyes snapped open.

“Am I dead? Am I dying? Oh, God, is MEGAN dying? Dean?”

Dean squeezed her hand, then rested his head against her shoulder and looked at Sylvie expectantly.

“Jessie, we need to talk about your test results. Your pregnancy test came back positive.”

Jessie began to laugh, much like Dean had at first, but after looking from the nurse to her boyfriend, the giggles rapidly turned to sobs.

“No…” she whispered. 

“I can test again if you’d like,” Sylvie said quietly. “But we rarely see a false positive on a blood test, and your HCG level was pretty high, and that means...the test was probably accurate.”

“No…” Jessie whispered again, the word piercing through Dean’s heart like an arrow.

“Jess,” he began.

“No...Dean? She’s wrong, isn’t she? She’s got to be wrong. We use protection. We...we always...I can’t have a baby,” she looked stricken, terrified, and Dean gathered her into his arms.

“I know. I know, babe. I know,” Dean murmured. “We’ll figure it out. We’ll talk...we’ll talk about it when you’re feeling better. Just...it’ll be okay.”

“No it won’t!” Jessie sobbed. “We’re 17. How are we supposed to do this?”

“We don’t have to do anything now,” Dean said quietly. “Just figure out what’s wrong with your foot. Once we’re home we’ll...I don’t know, we’ll find you a doctor that delivers babies and...and…”

He didn’t know what else to say. Jessie was absolutely right; this was ridiculous and neither of them had any clue what to do. But he knew one thing for certain, and now he had to clarify with her.

“Jess? Do you want to have an abortion?”

Jessie froze.

“I...I...no. No of course not.”

“Are you sure?”

“Dean...I’m absolutely terrified right now, but...but this is our baby. We made it together. I can’t...I can’t do anything to hurt it. I’d never do anything to hurt it.”

Dean let his head drop back to her shoulder.

“I love you. We’ll make this work. We’ll think of something. Just...I love you.”

Jessie looked down into Dean’s eyes.

“I love you too,” she said.

Dean was still in shock. A baby. A BABY. He and Jessie had conceived a BABY. He didn’t have the first clue what to do with a baby, but he had a funny feeling that it wouldn’t be just a whole lot longer before he found out. And he also had a feeling that when his family found out how badly they'd screwed up, there was going to be hell to pay.


	91. Alfie

Lily’s boys had a knack for doing things in threes. They never failed to all manage to get sick together. One year, they all struggled through lice together. One year, they’d all broken bones within two weeks of each other---Dean had cracked two ribs after crashing his bike, Seth broke three fingers playing basketball at the Community Center, and Roman had broken his nose after misjudging one of his weights. ]

So when, as prom loomed, the three boys all started acting strange, Lily was hardly shocked, although she couldn’t quite figure it out. Roman’s closed off, hackles-raised demeanor made sense. Megan had been diagnosed with acute lymphocytic leukemia shortly after they’d arrived home from the ski trip. It had been caught early; she was considered at Stage 1. With chemo, her oncologist declared an 80% success rate. As promising as that sounded, though, Lily knew how terrified Megan was, and Roman’s anxiety was tangible. 

He never once complained. He never once broke down. Even though he clearly needed some sort of release, he just dutifully battled through whatever he was feeling so that he could be strong for her. More than once, Lily had sat by his bed and watched him not sleep, determined to be there if he needed her, but he remained steadfast. Her oldest son was going to let the pressure build until one of two things happened: the stress would begin to abate and it would release like a slow leak in a balloon, or the boy would explode. Lily didn’t really care for either option, but she also knew there wasn’t anything she could really do about it, except be there for him no matter what the outcome was.

Roman’s recent behavior made perfect sense. Dean and Seth, though, had her baffled.

Dean was hiding something. She could absolutely tell; he was lousy at hiding it. She had absolutely no idea what was going on, but when she asked, the response was simply,

“I’m fine.”

No, you clearly aren’t, she wanted to say, but she wasn’t going to push just yet. She didn’t want to point out his dishonesty. That would only make him balk. Instead, she just wrapped her arms around her middle child.

“I love you, Dean,” she’d told him quietly. He had looked at her with pained blue eyes, but he hadn’t cracked. Instead he’d said softly,

“I love you too, Mommy. I love you. Is it okay if I go to Jessie’s?”

It hurt. It hurt that he was running to the arms of his girlfriend instead of into the arms of his mother, though it was bound to happen eventually. Lily sighed and let him go. Sooner or later, he’d spill it. 

That left her Seth, her baby, who had suddenly become so sullen and moody that just being around him, frankly, annoyed her. Was that terrible?

Seth was always the cautious child, that was true. Analytical, brooding, the boy rarely spoke without giving his words great thought. But lately, he was outright cranky.

“We’re out of milk,” he practically accused on morning. “Are you ever going to the store?”

Taken aback by his sharp tone, Lily felt her hackles raise a little.

“I don’t know when I’m going to the store again, Seth, but you have a car, you have car keys, and you have two legs that work.”

“All I want is some freaking milk,” he muttered. “Is that too much to ask?”

“When you ask like that it sure is,” Lily answered. “And furthermore, this is unlike you. Is there something you’d like to talk about, Seth?”

“Nope. The only thing I want to talk about is milk,” Seth grumbled, before disappearing into his bedroom. Lily heaved a sigh of relief.

The emotion in the Girardi house was running so high that when Tony had to leave for Washington, Lily very nearly begged him to stay. She didn’t. But she wanted to.

“I love you. Hang in there,” Tony told her before he left.

“Eh. We’ll be fine. I have an ace up my sleeve,” Lily replied with a smile.

Then she got out her phone and called Cici Baldwin.

“I need to borrow your baby,” she explained. “Spirits are down around here and I’m hoping Alfie might cheer us all up. How would you like some quiet time?”

“Quiet time? Quiet time doesn’t exist,” Cici replied. She sounded exhausted.

“Then it sounds to me like the choice is easy. You let me take him for the day. You sleep. Win/win for all involved.”

“This is why I love you,” Cici replied.

And it ended up working out well, although at first, it appeared as though it was going to be a colossal disaster.

Baby Alfie was 4 months old at that point. He had chocolate skin and chocolate eyes and a thick shock of curly black hair. He was absolutely beautiful. The boys, who   
had seen Alfie before of course, were instantly drawn to him. Roman held him first.

“Hi there, buddy,” Roman cooed, gently bouncing the baby up and down. Seth approached, radiating his usual innocent curiosity.

“You wanna hold him, Seth?” Roman asked.

“Not yet. Is he heavy?”

“Not really,” Roman replied.

Seth nodded and paused, and then…

“Roman?”

“Yeah?”

“What does he eat?”

“Milk.”

“Just that?”

“I don’t know, maybe some cereal. We’ll ask Mom when it’s time to feed him.”

“Where does the milk come from?”

Roman looked at Seth with such an incredulous look that Lily had to stifle a giggle.

“Seth, you know more about animals than anyone I know. How do mammals feed their babies?”

Seth’s eyes grew wide.

“But...but Cici isn’t even here. How are we supposed to---”

“Didn’t anyone tell you, Seth? You’ve gotta make him milk yourself. You’ve got nipples, right?” Dean drawled, a gleam in his eye but otherwise looking as serious as a   
heart attack. Seth scowled and threw a pillow at him.

“Cici left us milk,” Lily intervened. “And yes, a little cereal. He’s just started on that and some mashed avocado. Haven’t you, Mr. Handsome?” The baby grinned and kicked his feet.

“Why does he eat avocado?” Seth’s line of questioning continued. 

“Lots of babies start with avocado when they start eating solid food. It’s pretty bland so it’s easy on their tummies.”

“Bet his poop is nice and green,” Dean piped up. “I call Seth to change him first.”

Seth looked mortified.

“No worries,” Roman said. “I can do it. But I don’t think he needs it yet.”

“How do you know?” Seth wondered.

“Well, he doesn’t smell bad and he’s not crying and he hasn’t turned beet red and started straining yet…”

“Why does he turn red when he poops?”

“Why do you turn red when YOU poop?”

Seth glared as his brothers both howled with laughter. 

“Now, guys,” Lily warned. “It’s okay; it’s a good question, bub. I wondered the same things when I was first exposed to a baby.” 

“Who was the first baby you ever held, Mama?” Seth asked. She smiled.

“The first tiny baby I ever held was when your cousin James was brand new,” Lily said. “I’d babysat for older babies as a teenager, but I got to hold James on his very   
first day.”

She noticed with a smile that she had Dean’s full attention too, now.

“Was he tiny?” Dean asked softly.

“He...honestly? No. He was 9 pounds, which by brand new baby standards is big. But at the same time, yes. He was tiny. All new babies are tiny. And they just lay on you. They’re fun at that age.” 

“Mama? Do you ever wish you’d gotten to have us as tiny babies?” Seth laid his head on her shoulder, still carefully watching Roman interact with Alfie. 

“I wish I could have held you and cuddled you and bonded with you. And you know I wish I could’ve prevented all the other stuff,” Lily smoothed Seth’s hair. “On the other hand,” she continued, as Alfie screwed up his face and let out a pitiful mewl, “One of the best things about you guys is that you came to me already knowing how to communicate.”

“Why is he making that noise?” Seth’s eyes were full of concern.

Lily glanced at her phone. 

“Are you getting hungry, buddy? Is it time for a bottle?” Lily crooned. “Ro, can you hang on to him and I’ll go warm up some milk?”

“Of course. Of course I will,” Roman was babytalking to the infant gently, and Lily figured he’d be okay. Dean followed her into the kitchen.

“You want to feed him, sweetie?” Lily asked him.

“Naw. Roman can do it. He’s practically dying to.”

“Not impressed by the baby, huh?” Lily smiled at Dean.

“No, it’s not that. I just...I don’t really know what to do with one.”

“Well, watch and see. You might learn something.”

“How come you’re running it under the sink?”

“You can’t microwave breast milk,” Lily told him. “It has air bubbles and some parts might get too hot and burn the baby’s mouth. Running it under hot water gets it just warm enough and it heats it more evenly.”

Dean nodded.

As soon as the milk was warm, they returned to the living room, where Roman was doing his best to cuddle baby Alfie, who wasn’t screaming yet but who was definitely growing more desperate by the minute.

“Seth wants to feed him,” Roman told their mother, and Seth nodded. His curiosity was clearly getting the better of him.

“Okay. Do you know how to hold him? He’s bigger now than the last time you saw him...there. Keep one hand under his neck to help him support his head. Good. You’re good at this, bub. There you go. Okay, now offer him the bottle.”

Alfie clearly knew exactly what to do; he slurped the nipple right into his mouth and began to suck. His fussing immediately stopped and he reached his tiny, dark hand up and wrapped it around Seth’s thumb. Seth looked at Lily, eyes wide. She smiled at him.

“He’s making all of these little noises!” Seth was clearly delighted.  
“He was hungry. You’re a natural. Think you ever want to have kids, bub?”  
“No. No way. He’s cool but I think I’d rather just be an uncle someday.”

“You’ll make a really good uncle, bub,” Lily rubbed his arm and watched as Alfie slowly ate himself to sleep.

“Okay...now what?” 

“Now we put him down in his Pack N Play for a nap,” Lily replied.

“But...I kind of want to keep holding him,” Seth said. “He smells so...soft.”

Lily smiled again; you didn’t often think of soft as a word to describe smell, but Seth was absolutely right. 

“Well, then,” Lily said, grabbing the blanket off the back of the couch and wrapping it around Seth and the sleeping Alfie. “You two hang out here and you just let him sleep. Cici says he power naps so he probably won’t be out too long. Let me know if your arms get tired.”

“Please, he weighs like nothing,” said Seth.

Lily went into the kitchen to find Dean and Roman talking at the kitchen table.

“Seth doing okay?” Roman asked. Lily nodded. 

“He likes the baby,” she said. “He’s just not quite sure what to make of him.”

“I like the baby too,” Roman said. “He smells...soft.”

“That’s EXACTLY what bub said!” Lily laughed. “How about you, Deano?”

“I mean...he’s a baby. They’re all the same, right?” This was all Dean had to say on the topic.

Right about then, they all heard a howl from the living room, followed by Seth’s voice.

“Help!”

Lily rushed out there, Roman and Dean hot on her heels, to find the youngest Girardi trying to hang onto Alfie with one arm while trying desperately to get to his feet with the other. He appeared to be gagging slightly, and as she got closer, Lily could see why. So did Dean and Roman, who once again began howling with laughter at Seth’s expense.

“Aww, Sethie---didn’t you notice his face turning red?” Dean managed to choke out through his guffaws. 

Indeed, poor baby Alfie had had what could only be classified as a blowout. The (bright green, to Dean’s sheer delight) poo had gone up his back and down his legs, pooled on Seth’s shirt, and dribbled down to the baby’s socks. And it smelled...rank. 

“Get him---get him off me---” Seth begged, trying to hand Alfie to Roman, who had clearly forgotten his previous offer to change the baby when necessary.

“Oh, no,” the oldest brother said. “You wanted him so bad earlier, you get him right now.”

“Oh, good grief,” Dean interjected. “It’s just baby poop.” He lifted Alfie out of Seth’s arms. “Bet you feel better now, huh, little guy?”

Lily started to offer to take the baby, but Dean just shrugged her off, instead grabbing Alfie’s diaper bag off the chair and heading into the bathroom. Lily smiled as she heard him talking to the baby.

“My God, all of this over some poop. What a bunch of wimps.”

Her smile turned to a laugh when she heard her son’s next words:

“Hey! Watch where you’re aiming that thing!”

 

__________________________________

 

Roman felt like it had been weeks since his last good night’s sleep, but honestly, it really had been.

Every time he closed his eyes, all he saw was his life without Megan. 

That wasn’t fair and he knew it. He couldn’t help it, but he knew it. It was way too early to consider this a death sentence. Roman had been there when the oncologist told Megan and her family that it had been caught early, that with chemotherapy and other meds, the prognosis was good both in the short term AND the long   
term.

He had also been there, though, when she had whimpered in pain while nurses had installed a port for her treatment. He had sat in agonized silence in the waiting room while the doctors did a bone marrow biopsy and afterwards he had stood by, helpless, while Megan’s mother held her hand as she cried from the pain. 

And he’d been there for a serious talk they had about two weeks after her diagnosis. She was slated to start her chemo treatment the next day, and she sat him down and said, very seriously, 

“I think we should break up.”

“WHAT?!” Roman had been floored, sickened. It felt as if someone has pulled a rug out from under him, only instead of landing hard on the ground, he was falling into an abyss of nothingness.

“Ro...the chemo...it might ruin me,” she had whispered in response.

“What the hell are you talking about Megan?” Roman had demanded, perhaps a little angrier and more desperate than he’d intended.

“The chemo. There’s a really good chance that...that...I might not be able to have babies,” Megan had whispered miserably. “And I know how much you want kids, and---”

He had silenced her with a kiss.

“Do you love me?” Roman had asked her, and she’d looked at him, confused.

“You know I do.”

“No. I need to hear you say it. I need to hear you say that you don’t love me and you don’t want to be together anymore.”

Megan had burst into tears.

“I c-can’t. I can’t s-say that. It’s not t-true,” she sobbed. He drew her into his arms.

“Then I’m not going anywhere. Megan, I’m not in love with your reproductive organs. I’m in love with YOU. You. The only person on my radar is you. It’s you I can’t live without. If you really want me to leave then I’ll leave but that’s not what you want, then don’t every say it again because I love you, and the only place I want to be right now is by your side.”

“But I can’t....I may not be able to give you what you need,” she whispered.

“Are you listening? I just said I need YOU. Megs. I need you. It’s too soon to say that we won’t be able to have babies and even if we can’t, so what? We’ll adopt. Or foster like my parents did. Or maybe we’ll decide we’re happy just us two and we’ll buy property outside of town and just rescue a bunch of animals. I don’t know. I don’t care, as long as I get to walk into the future with you.”

Megan was still crying, and Roman didn’t let her go. 

“What if I can’t play basketball?” 

“Then you can’t play.”

“No, Roman, I’m going to Houston on a scholarship. If I can’t play they’ll give it to someone else. I can’t afford to go without that scholarship, and I can’t not go because if I don’t stay in school, I can’t stay on my parents’ insurance. This is already costing a fortune. I can’t take all of this. I had PLANS, DAMMIT.”

“We can still have plans, babe,” Roman whispered into her hair. “Right now I plan to be with you forever. Whatever it takes. I know it’s so hard but...please, don’t worry. Not yet. It’s too soon to worry about what might not even happen. We need to live in now, Meg. Not later. Will you try with me? Please?”

She didn’t stop crying, but Roman felt her nod slowly against his shoulder.

“I’m just so scared,” she whispered. “I don’t want to die.”

That statement nearly killed him. Roman didn’t want that either; in fact, he more or less forced himself not to even consider it, because if he did, he’d lose it, and if he lost it now, he’d never get it back. So he tried his best to acknowledge Megan’s fear when what he really wanted to do was scream, don’t SAY shit like that!

“Of course you don’t,” he murmured. “Oh, babe. I know. It...it scares me too. But you’re so strong, and I’m so proud of you...dammit, I wish I could take your place.”

“My hair is probably going to fall out…” Megan buried her face into Roman’s neck again. 

“Or it might not. But I’ll still love you if you’re bald. Hey...you want me to shave my head if you lose your hair?”

At this, Megan smiled a little. She reached up and tangled her fingers into Roman’s long, wavy locks, tugging at it just a bit, before looking straight into his eyes.

“Don’t you fucking DARE,” she said.

He’d have shaved his head for her. He’d have taken all of the pain off her and had cancer himself in her place. But since he couldn’t do that, there was something he DID intend to do.

Megan was, despite her illness, determined to go to prom, even though she started chemo about a week before it. Roman had wanted desperately to go with her to her first treatment, but in the end, he figured that the first time, she’d probably feel better if she was with her mother. He knew he probably would. He did text her the whole time, though, and she went on about how prom was in a week and she still didn’t have a dress. He was about to respond that maybe they’d be better off staying home with Seth when she sent him another text:

_And don’t even THINK about suggesting we stay home with Seth. I love Seth, but this is our Senior prom._

It made him laugh, the way they had similar thoughts. They were even beginning to finish each other’s sentences, something his parents often did but something that Roman never quite understood until now.

So he set out to make it the best prom ever.

He made reservations at an incredibly fancy restaurant and just prayed that Megan wouldn’t be too sick from the chemo to actually enjoy it. His parents agreed to help him pay for it; they wanted her to have a special night as well. Then, when she lamented that she was too tired after treatment to go dress shopping, Roman approached his mother.

“I see,” she said after he had explained the problem. “Come on. I think I know what to do.”

They got into the Highlander and rode into town to the nearest Dillard’s, where Roman searched the racks (and did not care one bit that he was the only guy in the entire department). He came out with four dresses: one a deep plum, one a sort of sea green, one black, and one silver. 

Then he and Lily headed out to the Laird’s house, where he presented Megan with what he’d found.

“You---you did this for me?” She whispered, and she looked near tears again, until her mother urged her to go into her bedroom and try them on so she could choose the one she liked most. Before she went to join her daughter, however, Julie Laird threw her arms around Roman’s neck.

“Thank you. Thank you for being so good to her.”

Megan modeled all four dresses for him and their mothers before deciding on the purple one, which had been Roman’s first choice. It was floor length, strapless, and fit her perfectly. It was absolutely stunning. Well. SHE was absolutely stunning. But she would be stunning in a gunny sack. 

He didn’t want to get a limo again since they’d done that the year before, but he still wanted to drive her to prom in style. He’d have to think on this.

It came to him while he was helping his mom shovel shit out of the horse stalls one evening. Roman never did mind mucking stalls or anything that had to do with any of the animals, actually. And while he was quietly talking to Gee Willickers, he began to wonder---could he get a horse-drawn carriage for prom? 

He asked Lily, who shrugged. 

“I don’t see why not. Surely someone in the city offers that service. Why don’t you look online?”

Roman did, and he found exactly what he was looking for.

He couldn’t wait to see the look on Megan’s face. No way was he going to let this night be anything other than incredible. 

 

_____________________________________________

 

Almost a month since Dean and Jessie had found out about their little stowaway, and still, neither of them had told their parents. The second they’d arrived home in Houston, well, okay, not the very second, because first they’d taken Jessie home to rest and see Margo and Eddie. 

It turned out that her ankle was miraculously not broken. It was a bad sprain, but the doctor that x-rayed her gave her a walking boot, similar to the one Dean had worn for so long. Within a week, she could hobble around without crutches, and within two weeks, she could get around with just a slight limp. 

But back to their stowaway. They really rarely spoke about it. They never discussed what they were going to do; they just seemed to have an unspoken agreement that they were going to raise a child together. A few days after they returned home, Jessie texted Dean that she’d made an appointment at Planned Parenthood for her first   
prenatal care visit. He knew it was because neither of them could afford to go to an obstetrician otherwise; Planned Parenthood would help them find someone to care for her for free. Jessie had insurance through the state but if she tried to use it, there was no chance Margo and Eddie wouldn’t find out. 

Both Dean and Jessie knew they couldn’t hide their baby forever. And Dean understood her reluctance to tell her foster parents. Would they reject her? Send her somewhere else? They didn’t HAVE to be responsible for her, after all, and it was six months before she turned 18. If Margo and Eddie decided not to let her stay, God only knew where she’d end up, and Dean just couldn’t let that happen.

While Jessie’s hesitation made perfect sense, though, Dean didn’t quite understand why he couldn’t tell his own parents. He knew they’d be disappointed, maybe even angry, maybe even devastated. But by now he also knew that there wasn’t anything he could ever do to cost him their love. And he did have an overwhelming urge to protect Roman and Seth, but he knew they would eventually understand. And yet...he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. So he didn’t.

He was terrified. He knew Jessie was too. But they were going to manage, somehow.

At the appointment, they learned that Jessie was about 14 weeks into her pregnancy, and they were given a referral to a free clinic in Houston. The first time they went there, Dean nearly walked out. 

The place was full of drug addicts (something he definitely knew when he saw), and it smelled like body odor and sterility (which was just WEIRD). As he looked around, he knew they didn’t belong there. They had loving families, and his parents would never allow anything to happen to Jessie---but he’d have to tell them. He looked at his girlfriend helplessly She smiled at him. She seemed to be able to read his mind.

“I know,” she said softly. “But it’s going to be okay.”

The doctor that saw them definitely put Dean’s fears at ease, though. Her name was Dr. Karla Johnson, and she was obviously a hardass, but funny. She spoke to them as if they were grown ups instead of two dumb kids who had royally screwed up.

“Look, I’m gonna be honest with you,” she began. “You can be successful parents, absolutely, but it’s going to be a whole lot easier if you have the support of your families. Jessie, you’re not going to stay this tiny. And you’re gonna do the bulk of it during the summer, so baggy clothes won’t be all that comfortable. Are you afraid they’ll hurt you if you tell?”

“No,” Dean said immediately and Jessie vehemently shook her head

“Well, I get it, it’s normal to be scared, but having a child and raising it are two very hard things that are difficult enough when you have help. Don’t make it harder.”

“You can make us,” Dean pointed out. “You know neither of us is 18.” 

“Actually, I can’t,” Dr. Johnson replied. “I wouldn’t if I could, but I’m under no obligation to divulge any of your information to anyone unless a judge asks for it. Like I said, I wouldn’t. Gotta be able to trust your doctor. You know how far along you are?”

“Well, the lady at Planned Parenthood said 14 weeks and that was about a week ago,” Jessie began. “But she calculated it off my last period, and those have never actually been all that regular, so...I’m not totally sure.”

“Is irregular periods why you never suspected it until now?”

“I never expected it at all. I had a routine test done when I sprained my ankle and it came back positive, so we went to PP when we got home.”

“Have you had any symptoms?”

“Like what?” Dean asked.

“Sore boobs, nausea, fatigue, dizziness, swelling…”

“Pregnancy can cause all that?” 

“All that and more. Jessie?”

“Umm...I got sick around New Year’s but I just thought it was a stomach virus. It went away after a day or so. I don’t think I’ve really been all that tired. I’m really sore the last couple of weeks but I kind of think it’s from the skiing accident.”

“Okay. We’re going to do an ultrasound to have a look. Your bloodwork looks great. Come on back with me.”

“Wait, hold up,” Dean said. “An ultrasound? As in we get to see the baby?”

“Yup. That’s exactly what it means.”

It was one of the most incredible things Dean had ever seen. Dr. Johnson showed them the baby’s heart beating, and tears sprung to his eyes. He squeezed Jessie’s hand tightly.

“Right now it’s about the size of an apple,” the doctor explained. “Oh---hey. Do you guys want to know the sex?”

“You can TELL that?” Dean exclaimed. He could hardly believe it.

“It’s a little early so I wouldn’t stake my career on it, but I can give you a pretty good idea and you can always confirm it later on.”

Dean and Jessie looked at each other. 

“Do you want to know?” Jessie asked him softly.

“I...I mean yeah. I just never even realized it was possible. Do you?”

“More than anything.”

“Okay,” he squeezed Jessie’s hand even harder. “We want to know.”

“Looks like a little boy. See that? He’s letting his freak flag fly.”

Jessie burst out laughing, but all Dean could do was stare.

A boy.

They were going to have a boy.

A boy he would love and cherish, a boy he would teach to catch and play ball and ride a bike, but...he wasn’t sure he trusted himself to be a good father to a boy.

He wasn’t sure he could be a good father, period, but what if he turned out like Brad?

More than anything, he wished he could go home and talk to his mother and father. He wanted that more than his next 90 seconds of oxygen. But he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.


	92. Blown Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"There's not enough rain in Oklahoma to wash the sins out of that house..."_  
>  \---Carrie Underwood

Prom went as perfectly as Roman could have asked for and although Megan was completely exhausted by the end, she was so happy she was gleaming. 

Earlier that day, he’d bore witness to an exchange between his grouchy youngest brother and their parents, at which time Lily, while she was working conditioner into Roman’s hair, asked him if he’d given any thought to what he’d like to do that night.

“Um...well, I thought I’d go to prom,” said Seth, not petulant at all. In fact, he was almost hesitant, like he wasn’t sure this revelation was going to sit well. Lily tore her eyes away from Roman and shot Seth a look.

“That’s just fine, bub. I had no idea you intended to go to prom.”

“You never asked,” Seth answered. 

“Do you have a tux?” Lily asked.

“Yes.” Roman could feel his mother tense.

“I wish you’d told me, Seth,” she said quietly. “Daddy and I would have liked to chaperone tonight, but we thought you’d like to hang out instead.”

“Well, you thought wrong,” Seth snapped impatiently, the impudence rearing its ugly head now. “I don’t have to tell you everything.”

Lily sighed.

“No. No, I guess you don’t. Do you need help getting ready?”

“Nope.”

Seth left the bathroom and Lily groaned, burying her face into Roman’s hair for a moment.

“What crawled up his ass and died?” Roman wanted to know.

“Well...I know he’s been reading the journals that Adria gave him,” Lily began. “I can’t say for 100% sure but I think they’ve got him on an emotional roller coaster.”

“That...makes sense I guess,” Roman began. “Has he told you what they say?”

“He hasn’t told me anything. I don’t know; he’s just in a rough mood. Maybe since Dad and I suddenly have no plans, we’ll snoop through them.”

“You’d do that?” Roman stifled a giggle and instead feigned disappointment. “Mom, shame on you, I’m shocked!”

“Well, Daddy IS FBI,” Lily laughed too. “What’s the point of having all of his skills if I can’t use them to spy on my kids?”

She twirled his hair up into a bun and kissed his cheek.

“This is gonna be so gorgeous when you take it down later. I can’t wait to see the waves. I love your hair, Ro.”

“Sometimes I think you love my hair more than me,” Roman teased.

“Sometimes I think you’re right,” his mother teased back. 

Just then, Tony knocked on the door.

“Did you know bub is going to prom?” Roman’s father asked his mother.

“I do now,” Lily replied. 

“Did you know he has a date?”

“Hmmmm...why no. No, that part got left off.”

Tony raised his eyebrows.

“Well, first of all, he says he does. I have no reason to doubt the boy. Is Claudia Danner a real person, Roman?”

“Oh...wow. I mean, yeah, she is, but she’s kind of…” Roman trailed off.

“Kind of?” Mom persisted. 

“Kind of...I don’t know, I don’t want to use words like slutty when I barely know the girl but...a lot of the guys, especially the Seniors, have claimed that they’ve...you know. And she’s not even a Junior. She’s a Sophomore.”

“So she wouldn’t be going to prom at all unless a Junior asked her…” Roman noticed his parents exchange a glance, the look that usually meant we don’t like this, but what can we do?

Lily sighed.

“What is happening in this house?” Her voice was murmured but Roman still heard it, and it made him feel a little guilty. Clearly his mother and father had enough to worry about right now. He could be stronger. 

Oh, but prom.

Roman had never seen Megan laugh so much. She even cried a little when the horses and carriage pulled up. Then she threw her arms around Roman’s neck and whispered, 

“I love you.”

Roman had sighed and felt almost at peace for the first time in a month. 

And as far as he was concerned, Megan had never looked more beautiful than she did that night in her purple gown and sparkling silver shoes, long hair in loose curls and her makeup just so.

They all looked nice, actually.

Dean cleaned up very well in his tux (Jessie had talked him out of white, but he insisted on the top hat and the cane, and even Roman had to admit, it was rather dashing). Jessie’s lace dress was very nice, though something about it didn’t seem to fit her quite right and Roman couldn’t exactly place it, but he decided early on that it didn’t really matter. Seth didn’t have a tux but he was wearing his good suit with a pink shirt underneath that matched Claudia’s pink dress. Roman kept his eye on Seth throughout the night. He danced awkwardly with Claudia, determined to keep up, but as the evening waned, she seemed to want to spend less time with him and more time flirting with other guys. This bugged Roman; he still wasn’t sure what Seth was up to but he deserved better than that. Still, he’d have to wait before he could fix it, so he focused his attention back on Megan.

Who, while still beautiful and still laughing and having fun, was growing more tired by the minute. At one point, he had to wrap his arms around her to keep her upright.

“Hey...you want to go?” Roman asked her gently, a whisper in her ear.

“No,” Megan whispered back, although her eyes were beginning to conceded defeat. “I want tonight to last forever.” 

“We have the rest of our lives for forever,” Roman whispered back, and Megan had pressed her face into his lapel before smiling at him.

“Yeah, okay. We can go. Maybe we can watch a movie or something…”

As they drove, Megan turned to Roman.

“Thank you. For tonight.”

Roman grinned.

“You’re welcome. Did you have fun?”

“I had a blast,” Megan replied. “Did you have fun, or...or did you just spend the whole time worrying about me?”

“Was it that obvious?”

“I can hear you think, baby.”

“Okay. I admit, I did keep an eye on you. Not because I was worried but because I was having so much fun seeing how happy and gorgeous you looked. But to answer your question, yes. I had a great time.”

“Good. Jessie looked like she was having fun, and Dean looked over the moon. Except...do you get the feeling something is going on with them?”

“Oh, yeah, something is definitely going on, with Dean anyway. And it wouldn’t surprise me if it had to do with Jessie.”

“I think she’s pregnant,” Megan said. Roman was so shocked at this he had to fight not to swerve.

“What? Nah. Dean would’ve told me that.”

“Roman…” Megan began, in that knowing voice. “Think about this.”

“Think about what?”

“Now, first of all, I know you weren’t there when she first tried on her dress, but I was, and it fit perfectly the but tonight it was looking a little...tight.”

“Well, her foot’s in a boot...she can’t work out or do anything too strenuous. Maybe she’s put on a little weight.”

Megan giggled.

“Oh, Ro. Ro, Ro, Roman. You’re such a boy.”

“Yes. I kind of thought that was one of the things you liked best about me.”

“Damn right I do.”

Megan wound up falling asleep about three houses from her own, so he gently scooped her up and carried her from his Jeep and up to her house. Julie Laird met them at the door.

“Is she okay?” Julie’s voice was concerned; Roman knew she hadn’t been too thrilled about them even going tonight.

“She’s tired. But she had a lot of fun. And she looks more beautiful than I’ve ever seen her…”

Julie smiled softly.

“Can you carry her to her bed?”

“Of course.”

Roman gently laid Megan onto her bed and kissed her cheek, and she stirred.

“Sorry...no movie I guess…” she whispered.

“It’s okay. I’m tired too. I’ll call you tomorrow okay?”

“Okay...love you…”

“I love you too,” Roman whispered.

He waited until he was safely in his Jeep again before he let out a roar of fury.

This wasn’t fair.

Megan had never done anything to hurt anyone, not ever. She was good to everyone and now her very life was being threatened. It was 10:45 on Prom night. They should’ve been still out dancing. It wasn’t fair, dammit. It just wasn’t fair.

But he couldn’t be strong for her by screaming and ranting; that much was sure. So he forced himself to shape up and began the drive home.

It didn’t really surprise him to discover Seth’s car in the driveway. The way it looked like HIS evening was going, Roman had kind of figured he wouldn’t want to stay much longer. He was equally unsurprised to find that Dean wasn’t home yet, but he did find his mind straying back to the statement Megan had made a bit ago.

_“I think she’s pregnant.”_

Could it be? It would explain a whole lot. Dean had been so quiet and secretive lately and Jessie’s dress HAD been a bit tight...and Roman did tend to be dumb about that kind of thing but Megan was a girl. So if she was right…

That meant that Dean was going to get the thing that Roman might never be able to have.

No, no, no, he thought. No, don’t go there. There’s no real reason to think that this is even right. And if it is, it has nothing to do with you. 

Panic was setting in on him though, stifling him like a blanket thrown over his head. He could breathe but it was stuffy. There was no way. There was just no way. 

Then he saw Dean’s headlights coming up the drive, saw his brother park his truck, saw the look on his face when he got out, and Roman knew. He didn’t know how he knew, but he knew. He knew that Megan was right.

The second Dean reached him where he was standing by the garage door, Roman took his arm sharply, more sharply than he meant to.

“I need you to tell me the truth, and I need you to tell me now. Did you get Jessie pregnant?”

If Dean had even been thinking about lying, his eyes would’ve given him up in a second and he seemed to know this, so he looked at Roman and nodded slowly.

“How’d you know?”

“Doesn’t matter how I knew. I just knew. You...have you told anyone?” Roman asked.

“Nope.”

“Nope?”

“Nope.”

“Dean.”

“What? It’s no one’s business.”

“Have you lost your mind?” Roman nearly exploded. “It’s no one’s BUSINESS? We’re your family---they’re our PARENTS---it---”

“And it’s OUR baby,” Dean snapped, interrupting Roman’s rant, which only served to irritate Roman further. 

“I’m telling Mom and Dad,” Roman said and before Dean could even react, he opened the door and bolted into the house.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Dean shrieked, racing in after him.

“MOM!” Roman hollered, and as he did it he thought about what a giant baby he was being but something inside him had snapped.

“I’m warning you, Roman Girardi, if you do this, you’re no longer my brother,” Dean’s voice dripped with venom. 

“You have to tell them. You owe it to them to tell them. You do it yourself or I tell them for you…”

“Tell us what?” Tony appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, smiling pleasantly, until he caught sight of the looks on his oldest two sons’ faces. “Guys?”

“Dean has something he’d like to say,” Roman said, voice soft.

“Fuck you, Roman,” Dean murmured, so quietly that Roman wasn’t sure his father had heard it, until Tony said,

“Hey, Dean, buddy, Roman, come on. Whatever’s going on, why don’t you come into the living room and let Mom and me help?”

Roman allowed his father to take him by the arm and gently guide him into the living room, where Mom was already sitting with Seth---had he been crying?---but she looked up and when she saw them coming, she frowned.

“What’s going on? You boys look furious. Are you okay?”

“Dean’s got something to tell you,” Roman said smugly, refusing to sit down and instead glaring at his brother.

“Dean?” Lily asked gently.

Dean gazed at her, then at Tony, before turning his face to Roman.

“You’re jealous,” was all he said. Roman felt his blood ignite. Of course he was jealous, but how dare Dean point that out?

“Yup. I am. Because you don’t deserve this,” Roman managed to snarl.

“Don’t deserve---what doesn’t he deserve?” Tony questioned.

“It doesn’t matter if you don’t think I deserve it,” Dean actually laughed. “I’m getting it anyway, bro.”

“Getting what? What does Dean---guys?” Their mother was as baffled as their father.

“You’re only gonna fuck it up,” Roman growled. “You’re gonna fuck this kid up the way your parents fucked you up. You don’t even know any better.”

The room went silent; everyone froze.

“Dean?” Lily spoke up first.

“What kid?” Tony asked, but he looked---well, puzzled but also kind of eerie. 

“Jessie’s pregnant?” Seth blurted out.

Again, the entire room froze.

Then their mother.

“Dean...ohhhh, sweetie...tell me you didn’t,” she whispered.

“He did,” Roman confirmed. Dean’s eyes were shooting daggers in Roman’s direction.

“Dean,” Lily’s voice was desperate now. “Dean, baby, this isn’t funny.”

Dean looked defeated as he finally met Lily’s gaze.

“It isn’t meant to be.”

“Jessie’s having a baby…” Tony whispered.

Dean turned to Roman.

“You scumbag. How dare you?”

“How dare I? You’re the one who was keeping this a secret. You’ve got some nerve.”

“This wasn’t your place, dumbass, how could you? Just because you’re jealous?”

“Boys,” Tony’s tone was sharp. “Dean, sit down. We need to calmly discuss this. Roman, Seth, why don’t you---”

“I’m not going anywhere,” they both said at the same time.

They’d reached an impasse, really, Roman glowering at Dean, both their parents looking stunned and pissed, Seth looking like he wanted to scream, Dean looking as though he wasn’t sure whether to fight or flee. Instead he finally spoke.

“It’s not my fault that Megan’s broken, man,” Dean finally said.

“Dean. This isn’t about Megan,” Lily interjected. “Please sit down.” Her voice was tight, the voice she reserved for serious talks. The Mom Voice.

“I don’t want to sit down,” Dean said. “We’ve made a baby. We’ll take care of it. What more is there to say?” 

Lily looked at him, incredulous.

“What more---Dean. We’re talking about a BABY.”

“I know what we’re talking about.”

“When were you planning on telling us?” Lily’s voice was rising. “When Jessie starts crowning?”

Ordinarily, this would have made Roman laugh, but he was so furious that he kind of lost it instead.

“He’s above us,” Roman roared. “He doesn’t think we deserve to know anything about his little fuck up. He’ll just expect us all to take care of it later.”

Roman regretted his words the instant they left his mouth, but he couldn’t take it back so instead he stood there, arms folded, staring his brother in the eye. Dean’s fists were balled at his sides and Roman had never seen him look angrier. He expected Dean to scream right back, but when he spoke his voice was cold as ice.

“You can be jealous. That’s okay. Your girlfriend is broken. She can’t give you what Jessie can give me. Envy me, that’s fine. But we’re talking about my son. Do not EVER, EVER, call him a fuck up.”

The words hit Roman like a battering ram to the chest; how dare he? How dare he refer to Megan as---broken. He was seconds away from tackling Dean to the floor and punching that smug-ass face, but then he heard his mother croak out,

“Your...son. You...she’s far enough along that you know the sex of the baby?”

“We found out two weeks ago,” Dean said softly.

“Two---two weeks…” Roman had NEVER seen THIS look on his mother’s face, but he thought it likely that she might explode so instead of start a physical fight he just  
looked his brother square in the face.

“You say what you want,” Roman said. “I don’t care what you think about how I feel. I don’t care if you think I’m jealous. What I know is that you can’t be a father. Just you wait.”

And he stormed out of the house without another word, got into his Jeep, and drove off.

 

________________________________________

 

Their father tried to chase after Roman but when he came back inside alone, Dean knew his brother had gone. He didn’t care though. His insides felt like molten lava; he was so angry he thought he might puke and to make matters worse, he felt guilty. Guilty that now his whole family knew even though he and Jessie had agreed. Guilty that they’d found out in this manner; he knew he had to tell them eventually but he hadn’t bargained on it being like this. And what about Margo and Eddie? Dean had a feeling he could beg and plead with his parents, but there was no way that Jessie’s foster mother and father wouldn’t find out now.

Not to mention the look on his own mother’s face.

Lily’s eyes were slits; he could just barely see the blue and he could’ve sworn they were glowing. Her mouth was turned into a sort of half smirk but it definitely wasn’t a happy one. Dean, to be honest, was a little afraid of her right then. And while he knew that what he needed to do was throw himself at her mercy and confess everything, the way she was looking at them just raised his hackles further.

“I want you,” Lily said slowly, “to tell me why.”

“Well, when two people really love each other…” Dean began, but his mother yelled at him then. Loud, and possibly for the first time---had she ever really yelled at him before? He didn’t think so; there had been times when she’d spoken sharply, so sharp that her words slice at his skin, but she had never openly yelled. Even Seth shrank back into the corner of the sofa.

“DEAN BENJAMIN GIRARDI! ENOUGH!” Lily shrieked. “I’ve had ENOUGH. How could you treat this so flippantly? THIS IS ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, BOY! A human being that YOU are RESPONSIBLE for. You think you can do it alone? HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME?”

“Quit acting like I owe it to you to tell you every little detail about my life!” Dean had had enough too. “I got her pregnant. We’re dealing with it. It’s not that big a deal, Mom, I swear---”

“Not that big...Dean. Dean, Dean, Dean,” Lily’s voice was soft now but no less furious. Dean saw his father put a hand on his mother’s shoulder, an unspoken warning, one that apparently, Lily had no intention of heeding.

“Have we taught you nothing? Did I really fail you as a parent THIS badly?”

“Why is it about you? You didn’t do anything. It was me and Jessie. We made the decision and now we’ve made another one.”

“Yes. Yes you have, but you don’t seem to understand the weight of your choice. You’re 17 years old, Dean. You have one more year of high school left, then college, and babies cost MONEY.”

“I’ll get a job.”

“You’ll get a...son...you’ll...oh God…”

“WHY are you acting like it’s the end of the world? It’s not the end of the world. It’ll be okay. Why are you...just stop,” Dean pleaded.

“You haven’t even thought this through,” Lily accused. “Nevermind keeping it from your family...oh by the way, I’ve fathered a child and it’s a BOY! You understand  
why I’m not leaping for joy right now. WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL US?”

“Because I don’t HAVE to!” Dean shot back. “I knew you’d do this; I knew you’d make a Federal case out of it and look, I was right. Some things are none of your business.”

“We gave you everything,” Lily said softly. 

“What do you want, a cookie?” It was the wrong thing to say; Dean knew it but once he started he couldn’t stop. “Yeah, you decided to be my parents and then you did what parents are SUPPOSED to do. Congratulations. I didn’t realize that meant I had to throw myself at your feet for the rest of my life.”

“Dean,” Tony’s voice was sharp, a signal to stop.

“So that’s how you feel then?” Lily said, suddenly calm and Dean wondered if they were in the eye of the hurricane.

“Yes, that’s how I feel; I love you, both of you, and I’m thankful every day but I’m not grovelling.”

“Well, let me tell you what I’m not doing,” Lily answered. “I’m not raising a baby. I’ve raised three kids already, and apparently not all that well. I’m not doing it again.”

“Who asked you to?” Dean snapped. But he felt his panic rising because in truth, nothing his mother had said so far had been incorrect. He and Jessie had so much to  
discuss.

“Okay,” Tony stepped in and this time his voice was serious. “Dean, Lily. Stop. Just stop. Emotions are running too high right now. We need to discuss this obviously. But now is not the time. Just...look, Dean, go on to your room and get ready for bed. Lu, come here.”

Tony engulfed Lily into his arms and she suddenly began to cry, which hurt Dean worse than any of the words that had been spoken this entire evening. He had done wrong. He had disappointed his mother---not just his mother; his father’s voice and face said it all as well---and now...now he’d done it. He felt all the fight drain out of him. The urge to flee returned, and Dean spun around and headed for the garage.

“Dean. Stop.” Something about his father’s voice made him obey, but he didn’t turn around. He couldn’t. He didn’t want any of them to see the tears in his eyes or the look that was likely on his face.

“Where are you going?” Tony said quietly.

Dean shrugged. His dad was right. He wasn't going anywhere. There wasn’t a hotel in the world that would rent a room to an unruly teenager who looked as though he’d been through the ringer. His grandparents lived too far away and he was in no condition to drive all the way to San Antonio. He couldn’t go to Jessie; it was well past one in the morning now and he wasn’t about to try and sneak in when they were already on thin ice and who knew how Margo and Eddie were going to react. There it was; the real reason he couldn’t tell anyone; why hadn’t he just said so instead of saying awful things to Roman and making his mother cry. He was so trapped.

So he let his father gently lead him back to his bedroom, and he didn’t miss his mother and Seth sitting on the couch. His youngest brother was clinging to her and looking nothing short of terrified; Lily had her phone to her ear and after a moment, it was clear she was talking to Roman.

“Listen, kiddo---no, just take a breath and listen to me. I want you to come home. It’s okay. I promise you, it’s okay. It’s late, we’re all drained---just come on back. Please come back to me, Roman…”

Dean didn’t wait around to hear the rest of the conversation. 

His father deposited him in his bedroom, then wrapped him in a hug. 

“Get some rest, buddy,” Tony said softly. “We’ll sort this out.” 

Dean refused to look at his father, and with a sigh, Tony left the room. As soon as Dean heard the door click shut, he let the tears come. He laid down on his bed. He had no idea what he was going to do now.

He pulled out his phone to text Jessie.

_They know._

Her response only made him feel worse.

_You TOLD them? WHY?_

What was he supposed to say?

_I didn’t tell them...it’s a long story...I just...I’m sorry._

His girlfriend never responded. 

How was it that he was going to be a father, yet he felt so completely alone? He had expected his father to be the one to flip his shit, but Lily...she was supposed to understand. Dean felt himself begin to shake. It was all fucked up. Everything was soooooooo fucked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I can't even breathe after writing all that! Everything is falling apart...


	93. Repentance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have very much enjoyed the dialogue we've all shared over the past couple of chapters; I'm thrilled that I've managed to bring forth so many emotions and yeah, I hate myself a little because I'm feeling it just as much as everyone else, so, if the previous two chapters have elicited emotion from you, I leave this disclaimer:
> 
> Bring a bucket to this one. I cried so much while writing it that I think I legit may need to rehydrate. Hoping for another one by tomorrow---I love this Thanksgiving break thing---the muses have been so good to me!

From Seth’s perch on the sofa, he watched as everything fell apart. 

He’d suspected what Dean might be hiding, but he knew enough to not bring it up, especially considering everything else. And he’d been having enough of his own issues lately, so keeping quiet about Dean was easy.

Now he wished he’d made a different choice. 

If he’d said something to Dean calmly when they were both in a good place, surely it all would’ve gone differently.

Roman was stressed enough worrying about Megan; of course he didn’t take well to the news that Dean was going to be a father. In fact, Roman was clearly so stressed that Seth didn’t want to do ANYTHING to make him feel worse. 

But the explosion that he’d just witnessed was too much for him; he’d already felt miserable. Prom had been awful. He should’ve known, back when he agreed to take Claudia Danner, that he was just going to be her ticket to a hookup. In truth, deep down he probably HAD known, but when she came to him and mentioned it, he didn’t turn her down. The idea that he could get a date on his own without his brothers’ help or knowledge was enticing, so enticing that he was able to look past exactly WHO was asking, or what she would likely expect from him, or what she’d probably do when he said no.

And he could tell it was too much for his mother, too; the way she began to cry after the blow up told Seth that. Of course he’d seen his mother cry before. But never like this.

So he snuggled up to her and buried his face into her neck and listened as she tried to convince Roman to come home. When she hung up the phone, he couldn’t tell if she’d been successful or not. Then she pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“I’m sorry, bub,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean for you to get lost in all this.”

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Seth mumbled.

“I know. And believe me, I don’t blame you if you don’t want to. But if you DO still want to, I’m right here.”

Seth just shook his head. Right now, his own problems seemed tiny and obsolete compared to Roman and Dean.

His mother heaved a sigh and hugged him tighter.

“Seth William, listen. I think maybe you’re trying too hard,” Lily said quietly. “Did you even really WANT to go to prom tonight?”

He shook his head; he couldn’t speak, but he couldn’t lie.

“You know that you could’ve turned her down?”

“Yes, but...sometimes it’s just hard,” he whispered. 

“What’s hard, bub? What’s going on?”

Seth just shook his head; he couldn’t tell her about this now.

“Is it okay if I go check on Dean?”

His mother stiffened at his brother’s name but after a moment, she nodded.

“Yeah...yeah. I think that’d be good, baby,” she murmured. “Tell him...just...tell him...no. Nevermind. You go see if he’s up to talk. I’ll...I’ll try later…Seth?”

“Yeah, Mom?”

“I love you. Will you do me a favor?”

“Of course…”

“Whatever’s bothering you, I want to help. Please don’t let it spiral out of control like what has gone on here tonight. Okay?”

“I...okay. I promise. Just...not right now. I love you too, Mom.”

Lily smiled weakly at him, then waved him off, so Seth hurried out and down the hall. When he got to Dean’s room, the lights were out, but Seth didn’t let that stop him. He opened the door, then tapped on the door jam, not at all surprised when his brother didn’t answer. Seth crept forward. 

“Deano?”

No reaction, but Seth could tell by his breathing that his brother wasn’t asleep, so he continued until the reached the edge of the bed. By moonlight, he could see that Dean was laying on his side, back to his youngest brother. Seth didn’t wait. He slowly crawled into Dean’s bed, wrapped his arms around his brother’s middle, and pressed his face between Dean’s shoulder blades.

“What happened?” Seth whispered.

“I got her pregnant,” Dean muttered, his voice void of emotion.

“No, I know that---everyone knows that---but what HAPPENED?” 

“I don’t know. I don’t know, Seth. We’ve used condoms every time except the first time. The doctor thinks we conceived sometime after the first time. I thought...I thought I was doing something right for once.”

Seth cringed.

“Don’t say that. You do lots of things right.”

“No...no, Roman pretty much nailed this one on the head. I’ve fucked it all up. I didn’t even mean to not tell, just...we’re afraid of what will happen when Margo and Eddie find out. We couldn’t have an abortion, you know? Just...we couldn’t,” a sob escaped Dean, and Seth tightened his grip on his brother. 

“We couldn’t have an abortion,” Dean whispered again.

“No one thinks you should have,” Seth replied.

“Roman does. Mom too, probably,” Dean mumbled.

“Mom definitely does not. Dean. How long did she and Dad try for a baby? Do you really think she thinks you and Jessie having an abortion---she’s upset because you’ve never hidden anything like this before---none of us have---she’ll come around. She’s MOM. And Roman...look. He was wrong. He said some terrible shit but he doesn’t think you should get rid of your baby. He just...he messed up, Dean. He just messed up.”

“He’s not the only one,” Dean said softly.

“No...listen to me,” Seth whispered. “I know this wasn’t what you planned for but...Dean...it’s still...like I get why you’re excited. And for what it’s worth I don’t care what Roman says---I think you’re going to make a great father.”

Dean tensed and then sighed and rolled over to face his brother. Seth didn’t let go, just snuggled closer.

“It’s worth...it’s worth a whole lot, little bro,” Dean whispered. “It’s worth a whole lot.”

Neither of them spoke for awhile, and gradually, Seth could feel Dean’s heart stop pounding and his breathing begin to slow. 

“So...a boy, huh?” Seth whispered finally.

“Yeah...a boy. A bouncing baby boy. Terrifying huh?”

Seth had a feeling he knew what Dean meant, so he didn’t push it. Instead he said,

“Well, I’ve always wanted a nephew, so I’m down. Hey---I’ve got some money saved up and it’s only about 6 weeks til my birthday---anything you need for him? I want his first ever gift to be from Uncle Seth.”

Dean smiled softly.

“We don’t have anything. Uncle Seth sounds really good,” he said. “I don’t know, Mom’s probably right---I don’t know how we’re going to do this. I guess I just figured it would all fall into place but...maybe she’s right. Maybe they’re both right. Maybe Roman has a really good point. What if Brad didn’t manage to beat the bad out of me, Seth? And what if I pass it on to him, and what if all I can think to do is try to beat it out of him too?”

“Hey...stop.” Seth patted Dean’s shoulder. “I’m not going to make excuses for Brad and I’m not going to say it won’t be hard, and I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you have a really good support system. We’ll all be there for you. And him. He got a name yet?”

“We haven’t even talked about it,” Dean replied. “We found out he’s a boy like two weeks ago.”

“Think you’ll stick with Dean the Fourth?”

Finally, Dean smiled.

“No. Discussion or not, I’m fairly sure there’s no way Jessie will let me go with Dean the Fourth. I think she was hoping for a girl.”

“Don’t all girls kind of hope for a girl?” Seth wondered.

“Maybe. Mom says not. She says she never once wished she had girls instead of us,” Dean replied. “Jessie’s just...I think she’s worried that he’ll have what Brett has.”

“Autism isn’t hereditary,” Seth pointed out.

“They don’t THINK autism is hereditary,” Dean corrected. “There’s still a lot about autism they don’t know. And it...boys have it like 5 times more often than girls…”

“I understand how she feels,” Seth said quietly. 

“Yeah?” Dean asked.

“Yeah, I...so you know how I told Mom that I don’t want to have kids of my own?”

“Yes. I was surprised you said that, honestly,” Dean said, looking Seth in the eyes for the first time since Seth came into his room.

“That’s because it wasn’t true,” Seth confided. “I really do want kids someday, but...the thing...the thing that Adria has? I’ve been reading her journals and then I did some searching online and anyway. The schizophrenia? Her mother had it too. Her mother---my grandmother---committed suicide when Adria was diagnosed with it. It runs in families and...and I’m about the right age that if it’s...if I’m going to have it too? I’m about at the right age for it to show up. And even if I don’t get it, my kids still might.”

“Wow...Seth,” Dean said softly. “Why haven’t you said anything?”

“Because I guess I just...if I am going to get it, there’s no way to stop it. And Roman’s been under so much stress lately, and you---no offense, bro, but you suck at hiding shit; I didn’t know what was going on but I knew SOMETHING was...I guess maybe...Mom’s bad at letting shit out, right? I guess we’re all like her in that regard…”

Dean sighed.

“She wasn’t bad at it tonight.”

“I know but...okay. Dean. You gotta like...just try and understand how it must seem to her. You’ve never hidden anything from her and this...this is a huge something. I mean kind of epic, to be honest. Do you think she’d have gotten so angry if you’d just sat them down and told them?”

“Probably not,” Dean sighed again. “I don’t know, Seth, it’s just...I don’t know. Like I knew they wouldn’t be HAPPY, but I guess a little part of me hoped they would because he’s MY baby. You know?”

“I know.”

“Seth?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you stay in here tonight?”

And then it was Seth’s turn to smile. There had been many times when he’d begged Dean to stay over the years, but this was the first time the roles were reversed. Seth decided he didn’t hate it.

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. So when’s he due?”

“Early September. Labor Day. How crazy is that?”

Seth couldn’t help but giggle. 

“Labor Day. Of course. That’s perfect.”

The clock on Dean’s nightstand read 3:30, which explained why Seth suddenly felt like passing out. He tightened his grip around his brother’s waist.

“I love you, Dean. No matter what happens, you’re my brother and I love you. And I really do think that it’s going to take some time but everything is going to be okay. Just take a breath. You know?”

Dean yawned and nodded.

“Jessie’s pissed,” he murmured sleepily. “I texted her that the secret is out, and she basically just asked why I told and then hasn’t responded again.”

“It’s probably scary for her too. Give her some time.”

“Seth?”

“Yeah?”

“If...if you ever do get that… that disease?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m still going to love you. And I promise I’ll always take care of you even if it gets really bad.”

Seth didn’t reply. Instead he squeezed his brother as tightly as he could and buried his face into him and hoped that the tears now filling his eyes didn’t soak through Dean’s shirt.

 

____________________________________________________________________

 

Tony was in shock. He had never seen his family (or any family for that matter) come unravelled so quickly and with so much anger. He knew his wife could have a lot of spunk (that was one of the things he loved most about her), but tonight she’d been downright angry, which was unlike her, at least with their boys. Actually, the only times Tony had ever seen her as angry as she seemed tonight, it had to do with things their childrens’ biological parents had done. 

He didn’t blame her for being upset with Dean. He wasn’t too thrilled with Dean himself. And the truth was, he probably would’ve screamed and carried on himself if his wife hadn’t beaten him to it.

And didn’t she have every right? To tell him that she wasn’t going to raise that child? Tony had long assumed that part of their lives was long gone; he was 47 and she was 46 and he just didn’t WANT to raise babies at his age. Although he’d never really considered becoming a grandfather at his age, either. Actually, there was nothing that Lily had said that Tony didn’t agree with, just...he wished more than anything that it had all gone down differently. 

Dean...oh, Dean. There was no denying he was in for a struggle and based on the conversation, he legitimately didn’t seem to grasp exactly how much trouble that was. Tony could not believe he was treating it so casually. Did he honestly believe that it was no big deal? Maybe Lily was right; maybe they’d failed him. Although Tony suspected that what was really happening was that their son wasn’t in denial as much as he was trying to hide.

And what the hell was with Roman? How had he not seen that his son was in so much pain that he was on the verge of such an explosion? Where was he, anyway? He’d stormed out hours ago, and Lily had tried to talk him into coming home. Tony had texted him a few times too. He had a feeling that his son thought he was in trouble. Either that or he was afraid he’d blow his top again; Roman had never been the type of child to avoid a consequence. On the other hand, he’d also never been the kind of child to behave the way he had. Lily might feel like they’d failed Dean, but Tony was pretty sure it was Roman they’d let down.

And then there was Lily herself. Tony knew she wanted him to validate what she’d said but he couldn’t, because while he totally agreed, he couldn’t stand the image of the rage in her eyes that he couldn’t quite get out of his head. Nor could he forget the sight of Seth, huddled up in the corner of the sofa, almost but not quite trembling. There was a time not so long ago that he would’ve taken off and hidden in his room, Tony knew. They’d been discussing his evening when the twister blew through.

Seth's prom night had been miserable. lt seemed that Roman had been correct; Claudia was just using Seth to get into prom. It didn’t take long for him to admit he hadn’t been that attached to her anyway, but that didn’t seem to make him feel any better. If any of their children was an overthinker, it was Seth every time. 

The situation with Seth and girls---Seth and relationships in general, actually---was a hard one for Tony. There was no good way to fix it; it was just something the boy was going to have to grow into, and like any good teenager, he was impatient. So many things about Seth made him stand out in good ways---his hair, for example. When Tony had first come home and seen his son with a third of his dark brown hair dyed blond, he’d felt a wave of annoyance, but one look from his wife had silenced any comment he might have made. So he’d simply said,

“Wow, it’s different!” 

That response had made Seth beam, and later Lily had told him that the whole reason he’d done it was because he WANTED to be different, especially from Dean and Roman; Seth didn’t want to blend into his brothers. And that knowledge had made Tony soften, because as a guy with 10 brothers himself, he could certainly understand that. His and Lily’s philosophy had always been to not judge their sons, at least not until they’d had a chance to explain their choices. It wasn’t always easy, but Tony felt like they’d done a pretty good job of it.

Until that night.

Tony could feel his head pounding and for the first time in a lot of years, he wished he kept beer in the house. He glanced at the clock; 3 am. Seth had disappeared into Dean’s room awhile ago, and Lily had proclaimed she was taking a bubble bath, code for “I just want to be alone right now.” There was still no sign of Roman.

And then suddenly he was there. His tux was rumpled, his hair in an absolute state of disarray, but his eyes had lost that wild, angry quality. In fact, now that Tony looked at his son, all he saw on his face was...despair.

“Why are you still awake?” Roman asked him, his voice hoarse, probably from all the yelling.

“Well...my son was out and I didn’t know where he was or if he was even okay, and I’ve been kind of worried because I love him very very much. Call me crazy.”

Roman looked at him, eyes growing even more desolate, if that was even possible. 

“I’m sorry,” he said simply.

“I think we both know that I’m not really the one you owe an apology to,” Tony answered him. He wasn’t angry. Frankly, right then, he was just relieved that his boy was right in front of him in one piece. But it had to be said.

“Are...are Mom and Seth okay?” Roman whispered.

“Yeah. Mom’s taking a bath and Seth is in Dean’s room.” At the mention of Dean’s name, Roman blanched, but Tony could tell it wasn’t out of anger anymore.

“Is...is Dean…” Roman didn’t finish the question. He didn’t need to.

“I don’t know,” Tony murmured. It was the truth. “Why don’t you go change into something more comfortable and then we’ll talk?”

His son nodded. Tony got up and made some tea. When he returned, Roman was wearing pajama pants and a tank top. His hair was down around his shoulders. He looked at his father gratefully when Tony handed him his mug.

“Thanks,” he whispered, still hoarse.

“You’re welcome, buddy,” Tony murmured. He squeezed the boy’s arm a little and was surprised when Roman took a shuddering breath and then leaned in to lay his head on Tony’s shoulder. How long had it been since he’d last done THAT? Tony kissed the top of the boy’s head---almost a man, but yet so much still a boy---and before he could even say anything else, Roman started talking.

“It’s not that I mind that Dean is having a kid,” Roman began. “I mean, yeah, okay, so I’m the oldest but seriously? It’s by like six months. That might’ve mattered when we were younger but for something like this? I’m not ready for babies yet. I know he’s not either but honestly, normally, I’d be like, better him than me. You know?”

Tony considered this. So perhaps jealousy wasn’t Roman’s only motivation. He waited; he knew his boy would continue. 

“About two weeks ago, though,” Roman continued, “Megan told me that the chemo might make it so she can’t have any biological children. And she...she um...she said we should break up. See, the thing I want the most is a family. Well, more family; I love you and Mom and Dean and Seth so much, and the one thing that I want out of life is to marry Megan and have kids together. Not now. When we’re ready, and we’re definitely not ready, but I never even thought about that. But she said...she said if she couldn’t give me what I want, then I was probably better off finding someone who could.”

A light went on in Tony’s brain.

“Oh, son…”

“Of course I told her no way. I told her that I love HER and while yes, I do want kids, there are other ways to get them, and anyway, that’s so far off that it’ll be a long time before we even KNOW. She might be just fine. But the thought that she was willing to break it off, end everything we have, it just…” Roman trailed off. Tony tightened his arm around the boy.

“So then Dean’s been acting so weird and tonight, Megan made the comment that she wondered if Jessie might be...something about her prom dress being tighter than it was the day she bought it or some kind of thing that only a girl would noticed and at first I teased her but then I started to wonder. And then she fell asleep. It’s prom night, she’s supposed to be happy and staying up late dancing and the cancer has just made her so tired that she couldn’t even...so I carried her into her house and kissed her goodbye and left and I was just already so mad because it’s not fair, Daddy…”

The boy’s voice was trembling now, and his body was shaking to match. Tony set down his tea so that he could wrap his other arm around Roman’s shoulders and hug him close. Everything was falling painfully into place.

“So then I got home and I asked Dean flat out,” Roman was crying now. “And I know I was maybe too rude about it but he didn’t deny it. And he said I was jealous and then he called Megan broken and...and...I just lost it, Dad.” 

Roman sobbed brokenly into Tony’s shoulder for awhile, and neither of them spoke. Tony just had no idea what to say; clearly, Roman needed to let this out and his father had a feeling that words would be of little comfort. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the shaking and heaving stopped and Tony could feel his son sniffling against him. He sighed.

“That’s a lot of hard stuff you’ve been carrying around,” Tony finally said quietly. “I know letting it out isn’t going to make it go away, and damn...son, I don’t know. Okay? If I was you and I faced losing your mother I’d be a train wreck. I don’t fault you how you’re feeling, buddy. And Roman, you’re not the only one who messed up tonight. Dean had no right to say anything about Megan. No right. And rest assured, I’ll be having a discussion with him too. You both said things you didn’t mean---”

“But Daddy, I did. I did mean it. At least part of it,” Roman said, tilting his head to look at Tony’s face. Tony felt a pang; the boy’s eyes were read and puffy and bloodshot, his nose running, and it had been a lot of years since his father had seen him so heartbroken. Tony waited a moment before gently asking,

“Which part?”

“I don’t think he’ll fuck the baby up,” Roman whispered. “I don’t think he’ll be just like Brad. But I don’t think they should keep the baby. Not because he’d ruin it. He’d be a good dad. Someday he’ll make a really good father. It’s because he’s got so much life left to live, Dad. He had things he wanted to do, things you just can’t do with a kid. He’s still a kid himself, Jessie too. And he’s right; I AM jealous. Not because he’s getting a kid first, but because it’s...all I want is Megan and family and I might lose both those things, but that’s not Dean’s fault.”

“It’s not your fault either, Roman,” Tony had an inkling, and he was right. With no warning at all, Roman began to cry again, and this time the tears came in torrents.

“What if I’d noticed?” Roman finally sobbed. “What if I’d been more intimate with her, touched her differently, held her closer, what if I’d found the lump sooner or what if I’d just LISTENED to her? I knew she’d been sore and I wrote it off as a hundred different things. I’m her boyfriend, I’m supposed to protect her and keep her safe. And now she has something that might kill her and I just want to know why but no one can tell me that. No one can tell me why.”

Tony thought for a moment, choosing his words very carefully.

“Sometimes,” he began, “we don’t get a why. You know how people say everything happens for a reason?”

Roman nodded.

“Well, I, for one, think that’s bunk. Bogus. Not everything happens for a reason. Some things just happen because they happen. It’s one of the hardest things about being alive. Because it’s just so uncertain, and uncertainty is one of the things that makes life terrifying. But as hard as it is, I don’t think why is the question we’re meant to ask ourselves.”

Roman stilled. His heart was beating fast and his breathing came in sniffles, but he rested his head over his father’s chest and listened.

“What then? If not why?”

“Start with who. Who do you have in your life to make you happy? What are the gifts you’ve been given and what gifts can you share with others? Notice I say what, not what if; there’s a huge difference, son. How are you and Megan committed to each other, how do you complete each other? Where do you see yourselves in ten years? And you don’t have to imagine life without her. For God’s sake, buddy, I know it’s hard, near impossible even, but don’t do that to yourself. You wanna know where I see me in 10 years?”

Roman sniffled again, but he whispered,

“Where?”

“Right here,” Tony replied. “Sitting around a Thanksgiving table with your mother and you and your wife Megan, and Dean and Jessie, and Seth and whoever he finds that will make him happy the way he needs to be happy, and my grandchildren. Granted I always imagined they’d be fairly young, but tonight the picture changed. So I’ll have a 10 year old grandson by then. It’s...the image is no less happy. It’s different. But it’s still happy. You deserve that, Roman. Don’t imagine your life without Megan. That might not even happen. We don’t know, and we won’t know, and so you have a choice. You owe it to her and to yourself to enjoy whatever time you have together, whether that’s one year or 80.”

Roman heaved a shaky sigh.

“You’re right,” he whispered. 

“And dammit, boy---you gotta quit being so damn responsible. I’ve been sitting here now for almost a month waiting for you to come talk to me about how you’re feeling. You’re a fixer; you’re just like your mother. But you deserve some peace so let the nasty out sometimes and before it just gets worse. Okay?”

“I love you, Dad,” Roman murmured.

“I love you too.”

“I’ll apologize to Dean,” he continued.

“I know you will, ‘cuz you’re a good boy and a good brother. And Dean---mark my word, he’s feeling bad about the things he said too. We’re still a family, Roman. That’s one thing that can’t be dissolved no matter how badly we may hurt each other.”

Roman sighed again and closed his eyes, and was asleep in minutes, just as the sun began to rise. Tony’s arms were falling asleep---when had his boy gotten so huge?---and he knew he should probably just lay him down on the couch, cover him up, and head to bed himself. He didn’t though. He knew he couldn’t protect Roman from everything, no matter how much he wanted to, but for now, he COULD protect Roman from himself, at least for the next little while, and that’s exactly what Tony intended to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At which time, Daddy begins to put the pieces back together...


	94. 10 Things You Need to Know

Lily heard Roman come in. She knew Tony was out there though, and she could hear snippets of their voices and she heard her son begin to feel upset. Everything in her started screaming at her to go to him but for this, she had a feeling Daddy might be the better choice. She wasn’t sure she had it in her to advise anyone tonight.

She pulled on some pajama bottoms and one of Tony’s t-shirts and decided to brave checking in on her two youngest. It didn’t surprise her at all to find them both in Dean’s bed, sound asleep, Seth with his face burrowed under Dean’s arm and into his side. She tucked a blanket around them and kissed them both, but neither of them stirred, and Lily was kind of glad. 

Exhausted. That was the only word to describe how she felt right now. Funny, because you’d think angry or royally betrayed would be up there, but no. Lily wasn’t angry. She wasn’t sure how she felt but she knew she wasn’t angry.

In your face, boys, she thought to herself. You aren’t the only ones to get confused about your feelings.

She was allowed to feel blindsided, dammit. She was allowed to feel hurt that her baby had hidden something so huge from her for an entire month. She was allowed to be scared out of her wits, too, because for all that was good and holy, how did Dean expect to raise a baby?

That was it, wasn’t it? Dean was impulsive, always had been, and Jessie, too, thought with her heart. And maybe she was wrong, but by the way Dean had spoken of things tonight, Lily was fairly certain that he hadn’t thought this through at all. 

She wanted to support them, but she didn’t want to do it FOR them. It had to be a mother’s greatest curse.

Lily lay down on her bed with no real intention of falling asleep, but the next thing she knew, Tony was tucking Roman in next to her and she was rolling over, half awake, to wrap him up in her arms. It was instinctive to do that by now.

“He okay?” Lily asked, gently tracing a line of muscle that crossed her son’s back.

“He’s carrying some heavy stuff,” Tony murmured. “He’s tired. But he knows he needs to apologize to Dean.”

“Okay,” Lily murmured with a nod. “Good.” She knew Roman was struggling, but the way her sons had treated each other the night before was even more disturbing than the bomb that had been dropped. She planted a soft kiss on her son’s temple. He mumbled something incoherent, but she shushed him gently and he slept again.

“I don’t know what to do next,” Tony said. 

“Me neither,” Lily whispered. “But I think we need to just...take a step back. You know? We ALL need to talk, but we need to make sure it’s when no one feels threatened or angry, and I don’t know if we need to talk as a family or one on one with the boys, or---”  
“Babe. We don’t need to do any of that right now, okay? Go back to sleep. It’s 6:30 am. Dean and Seth are still out cold. Let’s all just rest for now and when everyone’s up and about, we’ll figure out when and how to discuss.”

Lily nodded with a yawn. 

“Okay,” she murmured, and with another kiss to Roman’s head, dozed right off again.

When she woke up next, she could feel a second kiddo sandwiching her.

Dean? 

Seth.

Then she scolded herself for reacting that way. Her baby was curled up with his head on her arm snoring, looking positively angelic. She reached up to smooth his curls away. He’d worn his hair down to prom the night before, and he’d obviously gone to bed without giving it much thought, because now it was a riotous halo of dark brown and bleached blond. Her movement caused him to stir.

“Mama?”

“Morning, bub,” she murmured. 

“Dean’s really scared,” Seth whispered. “Will you please talk to him and tell him you’ll help him? Please?”

“Oh, baby...I’ll talk to him in a bit. Okay?”

“And tell him you’ll help him?”

“I’ll tell him what I can do to help him, yes,” Lily kissed her son on the nose.

“Mama?” Here came 20 questions.

“Yeah, bub?”

“You don’t hate him right?”

“Seth...baby boy, of course I don’t. Of course I don’t hate Dean. I love him as much as I always have. I’m just...startled right now. That’s all.”

“Do you love the baby?”

This question took Lily by surprise and she began to wonder what all of this really meant.

“Of COURSE I love the baby,” she said quietly. “The baby is a part of Dean and Dean is a part of me. But I also want what’s best for the baby and only Dean and Jessie can decide that.”

“Do you wish she would have an abortion?”

“No, sweet love. I do not wish she would have an abortion.”

“Does Roman?”

“Roman and I haven’t discussed it but I highly doubt he wishes that.”

“Because Dean’s afraid you do.”

“I don’t.”

There was a pause for awhile, a sleepy silence as Roman continued to breathe deeply on one side of her and Seth was still and quiet on the other. Then:

“Mama?”

“Hmmm?”

“Is Roman still upset?”

“I don’t know, baby. Probably. Daddy talked to him early this morning. Don’t worry so much okay?”

“Okay...Mama?”

Lily planted a kiss on Seth’s forehead.

“Yes, my darling?”

“If I get schizophrenia like Adria, will you still love me?”

“Of course I will. I should think you’d know that by now…”

“I do...I just wanted to check. Will you keep me anyway?”

“Well, I’ve kept you this long…” she smiled at him. “You know I will. You’re my bub. I can’t live without my bub.”

Seth gave her the sweetest smile ever then, right before he ducked his head into her side again. When he surfaced he whispered,

“Good. Because you’re my mama and I can’t live without you either.”

“That’s good because you’re stuck with me.”

“Forever?”

“Until you’re really old, and even then, I’ll be with you always. So yes. Forever.”

“But you’re going to die someday…”

“Everyone does.”

“I know that but...when Adria found out she was pregnant with me, she wanted to kill herself.”

“Oh Seth…”

“It wasn’t because she didn’t want me,” Seth confided. “She wrote about it. She said she thought about it because she was so afraid that I’d end up like her, and she was so miserable, and she thought if she killed herself, we’d both be spared.”

Lily paused.

“What do you think about that?” She looked at Seth quizzically.

“I’m glad to know she cared about me enough to think of it, but I’m glad she didn’t do it.”

“Yeah? So am I.”

“But I might get it you know?”  
“A lot of things might happen to a lot of people, baby love. We don’t know what’s going to happen til it gets here so why worry about it right?”

“It’s hard. I’m scared.”

“I know. But no matter what, I’m gonna love you and I’m not going to let anything bad happen to you.”

“That’s pretty much what Dean said too.”

Lily smiled; leave it to Dean.

 

____________________________________________________________________

 

Dean woke up feeling as though he’d been gutted.

It took him a minute to figure out why his chest ached and his eyes were dry and sore and he felt congested. Just as he was about to decide he’d caught a cold, everything came flooding back.

The whole night. Everything from prom on. Roman’s absolute betrayal, his own awful words that had been stupid and mean and he hadn’t meant them; he loved Megan. And then his mother’s anger and disappointment. Her tears...dammit…

He grabbed for his phone, praying there was a text from Jessie but instead he found absolutely nothing. With a sigh, he sank back down onto his bed. It seemed that, for now, at least, Seth was his only ally, and his only ally had disappeared. 

Probably fraternizing with the enemies, Dean thought, though he knew he couldn’t expect his little brother to shun their mother or even Roman.

Ugh, why had he let himself go there?

Dean had known Roman was upset; everyone did. And he understood. The fact was, they both stood to lose the women they loved, but death was so much more permanent than Jessie getting new foster parents for a few months until her 18th birthday. And for God’s sake, the shots he’d taken at Megan...but....did Roman really believe that Dean was going to mess up his baby?

The whole world was going to look at them, him and Jessie, and say, nope. That kid doesn’t have a chance. He’d been preparing himself for that since the day he found out. But he didn’t care what the whole world thought. Roman’s opinion, however---Roman’s opinion meant a great deal. The idea that his usually totally supportive older brother had already decided he was going to fail at the most important thing he could ever do before he’d even gotten started---tears sprang to Dean’s eyes again.

What he really wanted right now was his mother.

And yeah, he knew he’d screwed that up, too. He hadn’t thought about how it would hurt his parents to have this kept from them, when they loved him and only wanted the best for him. He hadn’t thought about how it would look as though he did not trust them, when not trusting them had never been on his radar. 

Lily and Tony would never try to separate Dean and Jessie. Never. He knew that. He should’ve been upfront from the start. The thing was---he didn’t know how they’d react to their decision to parent their son.

He knew they’d be supportive, or before last night he’d thought they would. His mother’s words stung him a little.

_“I’m not going to raise that child.”_

Part of him still felt defensive; when had he asked her to? But then again, if he was honest with himself, was that what he’d expected? For her to immediately offer up her time to babysit while they were in school? Or let Jessie move in? Or stay up for late night feedings and diaper changes? Dean wasn’t sure...he was so mixed up.

Yes, he definitely wanted yesterday back. He wanted the whole month back. He wanted to have sat down and told his parents the very night they found out, so he could cry on their shoulders and beg them to help him sort it all out. He and Jessie couldn’t do it on their own. They never should’ve tried. And if they hadn’t tried, none of what happened last night would have even surfaced. 

Now Dean couldn’t take any of it back.

The weight on his chest was crushing; he knew more fearful and frustrated tears were coming and he was SO TIRED of crying, and he wished Jessie would just answer him, and then all of a sudden, his father was sitting beside him on the bed, calmly patting his back.

“You’re okay, buddy,” he said softly. “Get some of it out. My God, how scared you must be.”

Dean rolled over and Tony held his arms out, and Dean, still sobbing pitifully, crawled into them. He felt his father gently lean his head against his shoulder, felt his arms tighten around him. 

“I’ve got you, buddy,” Tony told him. “I’ve got you. Let some of it go.”

And so Dean did.

After awhile, Tony spoke again. 

“The first thing that you need to remember is that I love you,” he began. “Not just me, your mama too, no matter how angry or hurt she feels right now. Absolutely nothing will ever prevent us from loving you.”

He rested his hand on the back of Dean’s neck and squeezed softly.

“The second thing you need to know is that it’s okay to be afraid of what’s happening to you. Having children is scary. In fact, the third thing you need to know is that it’s pretty much always going to be that way. You’ll start to think that’s getting better, changing, and then someday he’ll be 17 and find himself in desperate need of your love and support and you’ll realize that, yeah, you’re still scared of steering him wrong, even though by then you’ll be old hat at the daddy thing.”

Dean shuddered out a sigh.

“The fourth thing you need to know is that your mother was absolutely right when she said that she and I are not going to raise your baby boy, but she did NOT mean that we aren’t going to help you and support you, because you never stop being a parent and your children never stop needing your knowledge. You’ll understand that when he’s older.”

“The fifth thing you need to know is that you have options. You and Jessie have options and you should explore them, and no matter what you decide together, we’re going to stand behind you. We have no opinion one way or the other, but we’ll stand behind your choice.

“The sixth thing is, you’ll get angry with him. And that doesn’t make you a horrible parent. What makes or breaks you as a parent is how you handle that anger, but not that you never ever get mad. He’s a human being too and he’s going to make mistakes and his mistakes don’t define you as his father.”

Dean had just started to relax in his dad’s arms when he heard a familiar female voice from the doorway, and caught the scent of apple Chapstick.

“The seventh thing,” came Lily’s soft voice, “is that you are not Brad. You are brave and caring and you have the biggest heart of anyone I know. You’re not going to do everything right every time, that’s true. But abuse is not hereditary and you are going to be the one to break that cycle because you’ll be the one who really wants to.”

Dean took one look at his mother and burst into tears again and reached for her. As soon as she engulfed him into her soft, warm arms, he began to feel whole again. 

“The eighth thing,” she whispered, “is that the best parents? The best parents aren’t the ones whose days and lives are flawless. The best parents are the ones who reflect every day on what went well and how they can make themselves even better. They’re the ones who watch their children while the sleep and think, you know, a million things went wrong today, but we’re okay.”

Tony spoke again.

“The ninth thing? The ninth thing you need to know is that you’re never going to love another person the same way you do your son. Even if you have a bunch more children, your love for them will all be different. Not less, not worse, just different.”

“And the tenth thing, Dean? The tenth thing, sweetie, that you need to know is that no matter what you and Jessie decide, for the rest of your life, you are going to love this little boy with your whole entire heart, no matter what he does, no matter what he says, no matter the choices he makes or doesn’t make, no matter how you approach his decisions, you’re still going to love him. You’re going to love him so so so much. Just the way Daddy and I love you.”

Dean dissolved then, a melty, sobbing, sniffling puddle, cradled between his parents, face lost in his mother’s neck. He looked up at her and realized that there were tears on her cheeks too. In fact, even his father’s eyes were watering.

“I’m so sorry, Mama,” he moaned. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t...I’m so sorry…”

“Shhhhh...I know. I wish I had handled it differently too. I wish I knew how to make you understand how much I will always love you no matter what you do. I wish I would’ve listened instead of talked. I can’t take any of the hurt feelings back, though, yours or mine, so the best that we can do now is move forward. Dean, I’m going to help you. Daddy and I are going to help you. You’re not alone, okay?”

Dean sighed. 

“I didn’t mean to hurt Roman,” he began.

“I know. Roman didn’t mean to hurt you either. But that’s something that the two of you are going to have to work on fixing, and everything is still so raw that it might be better to just let some time go by.”

“Okay but listen...you need to know...I’m not sorry that I made the baby. I’m sorry for the way I told you guys; I wish I’d been better about that but I’m not sorry for him. I don’t regret that part, not at all.”

“Good. You shouldn’t regret it.”

“I shouldn’t?”

“No. You need to understand what all has to go into it. But you shouldn’t regret it.”

“Good because I don’t. I’m scared out of my mind, but I don’t regret it.”

“I bet you’re scared.”

“There’s just so much...he’s gonna need so much, and we still have to tell Margo and Eddie and just…” Dean sighed.

“For now, let’s focus on that, okay? He’s going to be born in Houston in September. All he really needs is a place to sleep, diapers, and onesies.”

This made Dean laugh.

“You have a lot of decisions to make, son,” Tony said. “But Mom and I aren’t going to let anything awful happen. You hungry?”

Dean was; his stomach rumbled. It’d been a long time since the last time he ate.

“Then let’s go make some sandwiches, my son, my son. We’ll talk more, but let’s just get through today first okay?”

“Okay. I love you guys.”  
He did, too. Dean knew this was far from over; there was still so much to do and he had to make things right with Roman, but for the first time since he’d found out about the baby, he began to feel like maybe he really could do it.


	95. Taking the Edge Off

It was a good four days before Dean and Roman both worked up the nerve to talk to each other, and even after it was over, Roman still felt their relationship was strained. Well. Their brotherhood was back intact but their friendship felt strained. 

Before talking to Dean, Roman called Jessie and told her exactly what happened.

“Look, just...please, don’t be mad at him. It was all my fault,” he told her.

“I’m...not mad at him,” Jessie had murmured. “But thank you for telling me.”

And she had finally called Dean back.

Earlier that week, he’d gone with Megan to chemo for the very first time, and unfortunately Dean’s awful words were fresh in his mind when he sat down to talk to his brother, though that didn’t stop him.

“I’m sorry. I don’t think you’ll mess the baby up, I didn’t mean that. I was just upset but I...that’s no excuse, I don’t...I don’t have a good excuse. I love you, Dean.”

“Rome...look, I’m sorry too, okay? I...I was mad at YOU, not Megan. And even...no matter how mad I got, I should’ve been better. I love you too, okay?”

“I know,” Roman had whispered. He could feel a lump rising in his throat and the last thing that he wanted to do right now was cry any more over this. “Listen, I really feel awful. Dean, I think you’ll be an awesome father. You’ll be just like our dad.”

This statement seemed to resonate, because Dean beamed at him.

“You really think I’ll be just like Dad?”

“Yeah, you...yeah. Yes, I do. And I’m excited to have a nephew, I just...I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was such a shithead. I just...I can’t lose her…”

Dean had rested his hand on Roman’s knee and squeezed.

“You aren’t going to,” he said quietly. “I feel it. She’s going to get better and someday you’re going to be a father too, I just know it. And in the meantime, hey, you can borrow mine anytime you want.”

Roman knew this statement was meant to make him feel better but for some reason he did not understand, it made a pang of hurt run through him and his eyes began to burn. So he’d smiled at Dean, a smile he knew wasn’t completely genuine, and excused himself.

He’d gone to his room and laid on his bed and taken deep breaths until the urge to break down no longer plagued him. 

The next day Megan was too sick to go to school, which worried Roman that much more. So when his buddy Jeremiah met him at his locker at the end of the day and invited him out to a party, it didn’t take a whole lot of convincing, though he did halfheartedly attempt to turn his friend down.

His Senior project had to be finished up, he had a history test the next week, he had a mountain of calculus homework, and between all of that, his concern for his girl, and his stress over his relationship with Dean, he REALLY didn’t feel like being around other people. But when he told Jeremiah this, his response was simple:

“Dude, it’s Friday. Just a little while, huh? You’ve got the whole rest of the weekend to worry about that stuff. And maybe if Meg rests tonight, tomorrow she’ll be feeling a little better and you guys can hang out.”

His friend had a point.

“Will there be parents there?” Roman asked.

“Umm...dunno,” Jeremiah told him.

“Well, find out. That’s the first thing my parents are going to want to know.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay, Golden Boy, I’ll find out. I’ll text you and let you know.”

Thirty minutes later, just as Roman had pulled into his own driveway, he received the message:

_It’s all good, Brother. See you about 9._

Roman found his mother in her office looking at a set of MRI results on her iPad. Although she no longer went to the office, she still enjoyed consulting and as he plopped down on the sofa next to her, she showed him the screen.

“This is what the inside of a blown knee looks like, Ro,” she said, pointing things out. “Torn ligaments and tendons...yeouch. That had to hurt.”

Roman looked at it. He had a fairly good working knowledge of how the body worked, but it was from football and from paying attention in health class. How his   
mother could so accurately read these things was beyond him. 

“I got asked to a party,” he said nonchalantly.

“Oh? When?” Lily asked him.

“Tonight. In a few hours,” he replied.

“Will there be parents there?” That was the million dollar question, wasn’t it? He was glad he’d asked his friend to find out.

“Jeremiah says yes. I don’t know the kid hosting it all that well, he’s new to Creek Ridge, but I guess he plays ball. He’ll be trying out for the team come fall.”

“Yeah? You’re going to miss it, aren’t you.” It wasn’t a question.

“I am. But I’m excited to be a Cougar and play at college. But I still want to go to the Creek Ridge games. Gotta support the alma mater.” 

Lily smiled at him. 

“Just write down where you’ll be and keep your phone on, just in case we need you, huh? And have a good time. You need a break, Ro.”

“Yeah...yeah I do. I do. That’s what Jeremiah said too; he said the homework and studying will still be here tomorrow.”

“I guess that’s the beauty of weekends, kiddo. Let me or Daddy know if you need any help studying. I already promised Seth I’d help him balance chemical equations for advanced chem. I’ll be in homework mode.”

Roman rested his head on his mother’s shoulder for a moment, an action he knew she’d never tire of and to be honest, neither would he.

“I love you, Mom,” he said softly.

“I love you too, kiddo,” she said, just as softly. “It’s been a rough week, hasn’t it.”

Again, not a question, and Roman could feel the lump rising again, so he just nodded.

“After you study and stuff, you wanna go out and grab lunch on Sunday just me and you? Have some quiet time?”

That sounded exactly like something he wanted, so he nodded again, then stood.

“I’m gonna go change. I’ll let you know where I’m going, don’t worry.”

“I’m not,” she replied, engrossing herself in her scans again.

That night when they ate dinner, it was only Mom, Dad, Roman, and Seth at the table.

“Where’s Deano?” Seth asked.

“Jessie’s,” Tony said, passing Seth a platter of pot roast. The spread on the table was incredible, not surprising since Lily was home full time now. She always made sure to get good meals ready for them, but since retiring, she’d turned it into an art form. She’d made a ridiculously savory, tender pot roast and gravy in the crock pot, mashed potatoes, and a variety of vegetables. It would be time to plant things for the summer garden soon. Roman really enjoyed helping her with that.

With all the deliciousness surrounding him, he was legitimately annoyed with himself that he wasn’t hungrier. Instead he picked.

Once the dishes were done, leftovers put away, Mom and Seth settled at the table to work on his homework, and Dad out in the garage cleaning his Glock, Roman decided it was time to go ahead and go. He passed Tony on his way to the Jeep.

“Love you, son!” Dad called to him cheerfully. “Did you write down for your mother where you’ll be?”

“Yes. And my phone is on, in case you need to get ahold of me for anything.”

“That’s my boy. Roman?”

“Yeah, Dad?”

“My phone’s on too. Just in case.”

“Okay…” Roman felt this a bit strange but what did he know? His parents could be strange people.

When he got to the party, one thing became immediately clear---there were no parents around. Roman almost got right back in his Jeep and left, ready to send Jeremiah a scathing text, but then he saw another friend of his, Willis Laughlin, who waved him over to where a group of football players stood talking.

“Roman!” 

“Hey, Will, what’s up?” Roman looked around. It wasn’t a huge gathering; mostly guys with a few girls, girlfriends of football players mostly. He felt a pang; it made him miss Megan.

“Nada, man. Just hanging. Glad you’re here; Miah said he wasn’t sure you’d make it.”

“Yeah, where IS he anyway?” Roman asked.

“Kitchen. Helping get together some refreshments,” Will replied. Pretty soon, Jeremiah appeared with a plate full of something...odd. 

It looked like little tiny cups of...Jello?

“Have one, bro,” Jeremiah offered the plate to Roman, who eyeballed him suspiciously.

“Jello? Seriously?” Roman looked up at his friend.

“Jello shots, bro,” Jeremiah told him nonchalantly. “Have one.”

“Jello shots? Like...like with vodka?” Roman asked, and Jeremiah nodded.

“Uh, dude, no,” Roman said, groping his pocket for his keys. “You know I’m not into that kind of shit---”

“Dude, just one,” said Miah. “You’ll like it; I promise. Just one. It’ll just take the edge off a little; you deserve that.”

Roman considered this. He’d sworn off alcohol years ago after watching his biological mother destroy both of their lives because of her inability to put down the bottle. He knew what it did to people and he wanted no part of that; even his parents never kept alcohol around. They’d drink wine once in awhile at a restaurant but that was it. On the other hand...he felt like he was drowning in stress, worry, sadness, fear, and taking the edge off sounded really, really good.

Jeremiah shoved a blue one into his hand.

“C’mon, dude, everyone likes blue Jello. Just one. Try it.”

And Roman, who had never before in his life succumbed to peer pressure, did just that.

And yes, it WAS good. It tasted just like regular blue Jello, but it left a trail of warmth down his chest and other than that, he really didn’t feel that different. 

So he tried another, peach this time, and still, he felt just fine, so he had a couple more, green apple and strawberry. They were tasty, light and refreshing, and he honestly   
wasn’t sure what the big deal was because honestly, he felt okay. In fact, he felt better than okay; Roman was beginning to feel like...well. Like the edge was definitely off.

And maybe he was laughing a little too hard at stuff that wasn’t really that funny as he downed his fifth and sixth little cups of utopia, but he deserved to laugh, right? It had been a long time. So what would a couple more hurt?

The next thing he knew, someone was putting a bottle in his hand and without reading the label, he took a sip. God, it was awful, bitter and kind of sour and then he read the front. 

Corona.

This was beer; inexperienced as Roman was, he knew this, but 8 Jello shots had him not caring too much. In fact, when someone handed him a lime wedge and told him to squeeze it into the bottle, he did and when he tasted the Corona again, this time it was almost good. He drank it anyway.

It occurred to him that suddenly, nothing seemed that serious anymore, that he could relax, and he loved that feeling. It’d been way too long since he’d had that feeling.   
He stopped thinking about Megan dying. He stopped thinking of much of anything, actually, as he took two more peach shots and accepted a second Corona. 

A couple of hours later, Roman had lost track of the Jello shots and the beers, and a lot of the kids at the party had left, and he suddenly realized that he was drunk, so beyond drunk, to be honest, and shit. He couldn’t feel his arms and legs too well. As he stumbled to his Jeep and climbed inside, he couldn’t even make sense of the letters and numbers on the dashboard.

He couldn’t drive like this. Drunk as he was, he knew there was no way he could drive. God, he was fucked; walking home wasn’t an option and everyone else was at least as gone as he was so riding with them wasn’t much of a choice either. Roman got back out of his Jeep. The world abruptly began to spin; this wasn’t fun anymore. He sank down to the ground and leaned against one of the tires. And then, somewhere in the back of his mind, he just managed to grasp a memory.

_My phone’s on too. Just in case._

Dad.

If his parents found out about this he’d be in big trouble for sure; even in his dulled state he knew this, but he wanted his bed and...God, his stomach was beginning to roll. 

He needed home. Roman pulled out his phone and fumbled through the numbers til he found the one that said “Dad.”

“Hey, Roman,” he heard his father’s voice, which was a little too loud and a little too cheerful. “Having fun?”

“Need a ride,” he managed to say, though with the way his words slurred, he had little faith in his father’s ability to comprehend them.

“Roman? Is everything okay?” Tony’s voice was concerned now.

“Need a ride…” Roman managed to slur again, and it must’ve been a little more clear because this time, his father got the picture.

“You need a ride? Son, are you drunk?”

“Yup.” No point in hiding it.

“Oh, buddy,” Tony sighed. “Okay, son. Stay right where you are; I’m coming. You did good to call and not drive, Roman. Just hang on.”

His father did not sound furious the way Roman had thought he would, although Roman was pretty trashed and it was a real possibility that he wasn’t catching social cues the way he normally would.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there leaned against his Jeep, staring up at the stars, until he heard his father’s voice again. Confused, he looked at his phone. Had he dialed him?

“Dad?” Roman pressed the device to his ear? “Daddy?”

“I’m here son,” his father’s voice came again, more clear. Roman was baffled; he peered down at his phone again. Where was his father coming from?

“Roman.”

With a start, Roman looked up and realized that his father was crouching beside him. He grinned.

“Dadddddyyyyyyy! Whatcha doin’ here?”

“Driving your drunk ass home, son. You called me. Remember?”

“I did?” At that point, Roman noticed that Seth was there too.

“SETHIE! Didja come to party?”

“No, I came to drive your car home, brother.”

“Ohhhh, yeah, can’t drive too good. Don’t think. Here ya go,” Roman sloppily tossed the keys to his brother as his dad helped him to his feet. He stumbled a little, which for reasons even he didn't understand, caused him to giggle uncontrollably. His father and brother exchanged a look, and it wasn't entirely a happy look, and then Roman thought of something.

“Am I in trouble?” Tony looked over at Roman, as though considering his question.

“We’ll talk about that later when we get home to Mom,” Tony said slowly. “But I have a feeling that by the end of tomorrow, we’ll all agree that you’ve suffered enough.”

 

_________________________________________

 

Tony remembered his teen days. He’d snuck in the house drunk a handful of times, fully aware that if he got caught he was a dead kid walking, and while he certainly didn’t condone Roman’s decisions this evening, he was determined to handle it differently than his parents would have. 

To be honest, and Lily agreed with him on this, they were prepared for one or more of their kids experimenting with alcohol. THIS was normal teenager misbehavior; they knew that. THIS was the kind of stuff they thought they’d be handling at this point in their lives. So when Tony arrived at the address Roman had written down and saw his oldest slumped against his Jeep, he didn’t feel angry, really. Actually, he felt relieved that Roman hadn’t even attempted to drive that night. 

When they arrived home Roman was pretty much incoherent, despite Tony’s attempts to talk to him and get him to take small sips from a bottle of water. Lily met them at the door and took a whiff of the boy. 

“Whew...Jello shots and Corona?”

Roman looked at her with slightly unfocused eyes.

“Howjaknow?”

“Oh, kiddo. I was your age once.”

“That’s what I figured too!” Tony exclaimed, and Roman winced. Yup, the boy was gonna learn his lesson, all right, but it wasn’t going to be one that his parents would have to impose.

They helped him to the bathroom and helped him to bed, which he basically just flopped on and was asleep before he hit the pillows. Lily removed his shoes and socks and covered him up, and the whole time, Roman never stirred. 

“Better get to bed ourselves,” Lily smiled at Tony. “I’d like to get a few winks in before the explosion starts.”

“Are you gonna sit with him when he starts puking?” Tony asked.

“Well, better that than not. At least if I’m with him I can make sure he’s aiming into the toilet instead of all over the bathroom.”

“Touche.”

About the two hours after they put Roman to bed, Tony began to hear the tell-tale sounds of distress coming from the vicinity of Roman’s room. He jumped up and dashed down the hall, intent on making sure is boy didn’t drown in his own vomit but instead he found Roman clinging to a pillow for dear life, and no vomit to be seen. Yet.

“Daddy,” the kid moaned, and Tony picked up the trash can.

“C’mon, buddy, get it out. You’ll feel a lot better when some of it’s out.”

He sat the can on Roman’s lap. By then, Lily had joined them and she was holding Roman’s hair back from his face and patting his back, patiently waiting for what they all knew was coming.

And man, was it awful. It smelled like a disgusting mix of peaches, beer, and something Tony couldn’t identify, mixed with the sour aroma of stomach acid and bile. Roman retched and retched, tears and snot pouring off his face, while his mother continued to calmly pat his back.

“Ughhhhhhh,” wailed Roman.

“I know,” Lily, determined to be quiet and gentle, soothed their son. “Daddy’s right; you’ll feel better when it’s out.

Eventually the heaving slowed and then stopped, leaving Roman gasping and hiccuping and sniffing, but his mother continued to soothe his back, even after Tony helped the boy to his feet.

“You’re not gonna want to be too far from the toilet tonight, buddy,” he told Roman, and he heard a noise that almost sounded like a snicker come out of Lily.

“You mean...there’ll be m---oh God,” Roman gagged again. Tony got his head over the toilet just in time.

“Oh, darlin’,” Lily murmured. “There’ll be so much more. Do you have this for a second, Daddy? I think there’s something we need to do.”

Tony caught the devious glint in his wife’s eyes and he nodded.

“Yeah, we’re good,” he told her over his son’s horrible attempts to rid his stomach of...everything. “Hurry back. I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you more,” Lily grinned and scurried down the hall. She returned five minutes later with a very drowsy Dean and a half awake Seth in tow. The two perked right up, though, when they realized what they were seeing.

“What happened to Roman?” Dean demanded.

“He got drunk,” Seth informed his brother. “I had to go with Daddy to pick him up and drive his car home.”

“Man...I miss all the good stuff,” Dean complained.

“This looks good to you?” Seth asked incredulously.

“Well...no. This looks miserable. Smells miserable too. Like mega vomit.”

“Now, boys, you see all the fun that your brother is having?”

Both boys gave their mother weird looks, but they slowly nodded.

“Does this make you want to EVER have the kind of fun Roman is having?”

It made sense then, and both boys shook their heads.

“Because when you get drunk, this is the end result. Does this look like something you would enjoy doing?”

Again, both boys shook their heads.

“So am I ever going to catch either of you drunk off your ass like this?”

More shaking of the heads.

“Thank you, my loves,” Lily smiled sweetly. “You may go back to bed.”

Then she knelt back down by Roman’s side and offered him a cold wet washcloth to wipe his mouth on, morphing right back into the strong, caring, gentle mama that she usually was, but as the boys left, Tony overheard Dean say to Seth,

“I am never drinking. Doesn’t look worth it.”

And Seth mumbled some words of agreement.

“Well done,” Tony murmured. Roman had stopped vomiting for the time being and was lying on the bathroom floor with his face pressed against the tile.

“Mom...this is horrible…” he whimpered. “Daddy...ugh…I’m never doing this again.”

“I know, baby,” Lily got another wet cloth and dabbed at Roman’s sweating face with it. 

“Don’t be mad at me,” he begged. “I’m sorry.”

Tony and Lily looked at each other.

“Well...looks to me like you’ve learned your lesson. What do you think, Mama?”

Lily smiled.

“I think that if this is the consequence, there’s little else that you or I could do to make the point any stronger, Daddy,” she replied, still wiping sweat from Roman’s forehead. 

Roman groaned then and his head shot up. He wrapped his arms around the toilet seat and hauled himself up over the bowl.

“Yeah...this is definitely punishment enough. This time,” Tony murmured, trading places with Lily to wet a third cloth for the back of the boy’s neck. 

“This...is...the...only...time,” Roman managed to gasp out between pukes.

 

__________________________________________

 

The boy had to lay on the floor for a good hour after that, though he seemed to be done vomiting. Neither of his parents left his side, and neither spoke much. Lily all too clearly remembered this. She’d done her share of partying in her high school and college years, and she definitely recalled the feeling of nausea slicing through her, when just one simple word sounded like a bullhorn, the slightest movement feeling as though it would rip her head to shreds. 

Instead, she softly rubbed her baby’s back while Tony continued to dab at Roman’s face, bathing it in the cool water. 

Every so often, he’d kind of groan, but he made no move to get up, and when he finally moaned,

“Bed...please?” Lily and Tony helped him sit up then helped him to his feet and into his bedroom. Lily went to the kitchen to get him some water while Tony got him into shorts and a t-shirt, and she was surprised that when she got there, she found Dean sitting at the kitchen table.

It was nearly 3 am, after all, and while Dean was a night owl, this seemed late even for him. He was nursing a root beer and he looked positively wistful. Lily glanced at the glass in her hand---Roman would be okay for a few more minutes---and pulled up a chair beside her middle son.

“Sweetie?”

“Roman’s really sick…” Dean said softly. Lily gently laughed.

“Oh, no, baby. Roman is really hungover. Hungover and sick aren’t quite the same.”

Dean looked at her, not a hint of mirth in his blue eyes.

“Did I do this?” The boy asked her softly. “Is this because of me?”

“Aww, sweetie…” Lily wrapped her arms around Dean and hugged him tight. “Roman is...he’s under a lot of stress, you know? He’s worried about Megan, there’s a lot of school stuff, and...yeah, he’s still pretty upset with himself. It’s not because of you. Someday, you’re gonna be plagued with this choice too, whether to drink at a party, and you’ll have to decide for yourself whether or not you want to do that, just like your brother did tonight. Think he regrets it?”

“I think he’ll never touch another drop again,” Dean revealed. “And I meant what I said; no thanks.”

“Good call,” she smiled. “Daddy and I have both been there, and it isn’t fun.”

“You and Daddy drink?”

“Not so much these days,” Lily said. “But when we were your age? Oh, son.”

“But that wasn’t even legal!” 

“Neither is what Roman did tonight, technically,” Lily pointed out.

“Daddy doesn’t have to arrest him, does he?” Dean’s eyes widened.

“Nah. Daddy’s only an agent part of the time. He’s a daddy 100% of the time, and that trumps everything else. Roman made a mistake, hopefully he’s learned from it,   
and it’s up to us to be parents right now.”

“So...he’s not even going to be grounded?”

“Do you want him to be?”

“Well...no, but I do want him to stay home and talk to me once in awhile.”

“Have you thought about asking him to do that?”

“I don’t think he likes me too much right now…”

“Dean, Roman loves you. I think he might love you more than anyone else on this planet, even me, and he loves me an awful lot. I mean, who wouldn’t?”

This got a giggle out of the boy, finally.

“We all love you an awful lot. ‘Cuz you’re the best mom on earth,” Dean told Lily.

“Aw, shucks. Great kids make great parents, though, and Dad and I have the three best.”

“You’re biased.”

“I am, it’s true. Dean, listen. Roman made his own choices, and there comes a time in all of our lives when we don’t get to blame our choices on other people anymore. You know? You don’t blame Brad or Shelby for your decisions anymore right?”

“Well...no. You’re right; I don’t, because that part of my life is over now, but this isn’t the same thing, is it?”

“Not exactly the same, no, but it’s not altogether that different either. Roman will talk to you. Maybe not tomorrow. Tomorrow he’s going to spend the day wishing he could saw his own head off. But by Sunday? I think you guys SHOULD sit down and have a heart to heart. Know what I can almost guarantee?” Lily asked Dean, who shrugged.

“What’s that?”

“I’m betting he thinks that you don’t much want to talk to HIM.”

Dean sighed.

“Well, that’s a problem.”

“It’s a vicious cycle, isn’t it? Tell you what. Take this glass of water to him. When you leave, very very quietly, tell him that you love him. Get the ball rolling.”

“I don’t know, Mom...that’d be awfully mature of me…”

“Hate to break it to you, buddy, but you’re gonna be a parent soon enough yourself; if there was ever a time to mature…”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re right. You’re pretty much always right. You’re awfully good at this…”

“Well, as one of my sons so perfectly put it, I’m the best…”

Dean and Lily walked to Roman’s room arm in arm, and after Dean set the glass on the nightstand, Lily and Tony looked on as he leaned over his brother’s prone form and murmured,

“Love you, Rome. Feel better.”

And no one missed it, either, when Roman whispered a response,

“Love you too, Dean.”


	96. The Name Game

Seth was becoming outright pissed at his family and how things seemed to be spiraling out of control. He wanted to scream at his parents.

“Can’t you MAKE them love each other?” Seth had asked his mother, who smiled and shook her head.

“They do still love each other, bub. They both just have a lot to sort out right now.”

She was right, but that didn’t make it easier. The night Roman came home drunk, Seth had watched helplessly as his brother got sick over and over and he couldn’t do much to intervene. He had never really had the urge to drink, although he also had never been invited. No. That wasn’t true. The very beginning of prom night, Claudia Danner had mentioned going to a party and getting wasted afterwards, but Seth had shot that down so quickly that he suspected that might have been the real reason she wasn’t interested in him after that.

He continued to read Adria’s journals, but for the most part, he wasn’t ready to share them with his family just yet. What became immediately clear when he began was that long before Adria had disintegrated into the condition she was currently in, she had been intelligent, funny, quirky, and not a bad person, not at all, just someone who was in a difficult place.

As she aged, her symptoms grew worse. She attempted suicide twice to evade the voices in her head. The first time, she was in highschool and she had just been diagnosed. The second time, it was a week after she married Matt Rollins. She’d had a bit of a nervous breakdown (the journal said she didn’t remember the details) and when she woke up, she was in the hospital, with nurses quietly asking her what had happened. She’d been beaten to a pulp. She knew Matt had done it, but she didn’t remember, so she couldn’t prove it.

Then she got pregnant, which was actually where the first journal started. Everything was addressed to “you”, and she clearly meant for Seth to read them someday. The very first entry read,

_Today, I found out that I’m carrying you inside me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such a conflict of emotions. My first thought was total elation. Despite everything, despite the disease ravaging my brain, I have always wished for a child someday. I know I’m damaged, and I know that Matt isn’t the best choice to raise you with, but still, part of me is so desperate to hold you in my arms that right now I feel I can overcome anything._

_On the other hand, little one, I’ll cause you nothing but pain and I know that. I can barely care for myself; what business do I have attempting to nurture another human being? You’re barely the size of an almond in my womb, and I don’t even know if I’ve already caused you damage due to the medications. There’s been discussion of taking me off of some of them, but ultimately I know my doctors won’t allow that. They say I’ll harm myself. They are probably right.  
If only love was all that you truly need. In that sense, I’m afraid, the great John Lennon was entirely incorrect._

_I can promise you this. Whatever happens, I will make the decision that is truly the best choice for you, not me or anyone else. And then I’ll pray that my decision was the right one._

He cried himself to sleep after seeing that, but hard as this was to read, it did help Seth understand a few things.

First of all, Adria hadn’t just abandoned him. Right or wrong, she truly believed that he was better off with Matt than her, which was a terrible thought. However, after he did some research, he realized that way back then, there really weren’t any resources for a woman with schizophrenia, a baby, and an abusive husband. What he did know, what he was sure of now, was that if he ever DID end up with the same disease? He had a family who would make 100% sure that he had what he needed, a luxury that, it seemed, Adria had never had.

And once Seth was over the initial pain, he found he really loved reading what she wrote. It made him wonder if she’d liked to read, or write, or something, because sometimes her words were absolutely poetic. He also began to think that maybe he’d like to go visit her again, now that a lot of his questions had been answered by her journals and the pressure was off. He decided to approach his mother.

“Mama?” Seth found her in her office working at her computer.

“Hi, bub,” she said fondly, smiling at him. “What’s up?”

“I...I was just wondering if maybe I could go visit Adria again. I mean, I know, two birthdays and Roman’s graduation are coming up, but I just...I think I want another visit.”

Lily’s smile broadened.

“Okay. I think we can probably arrange that. Do you want to go with everyone again?”

“No, actually, I was hoping that you and I could just go. That won’t hurt Daddy’s feelings, will it?”

“Seth, Daddy gets you all to himself for an entire week when you two go to England. I think he can let me have you for a weekend without getting his nose out of joint.”

Seth laughed.

“Okay, then. Just me and you. Just in case...I think I’ll be better this time. I think now I know what to expect, so I think it won’t be so hard. But I’m not 100% sure. Can   
we take her a picture of me?”

“Of course we can. I’ll find out what weekend is good to go up there and in the meantime, we can get a photo. Do you want to give her your school picture?”

“Um, no. I look like a bat in my school picture. Can we see if Dean will take a picture of me?”

“Of course we can.”

“Mama?”

“Yeah, bub?”

“Thank you for being so supportive of me. I know...it’s not the easiest thing in the world for you…”

“Well...it’s not but that’s more for fear of you getting hurt than anything else. But I think you’re right; I think you’re ready to see her again, and I’m definitely okay with that.”

“Can we stay at a hotel with a pool?”

Lily grinned.

“You know it,” she said.

 

____________________________________________

 

“How about Beckett?” Dean suggested, growing more annoyed by the moment. He and Jessie were sitting at the Tropical Smoothie Cafe, because she just HAD to have one of their Thai chicken wraps and a mango smoothie. This was fine with Dean; he loved a good smoothie and besides, this would give them some time to sit and talk names. They hadn’t done that yet, and Dean had gone out and rather proudly purchased a baby name book. Jessie’s mild reaction to it had hurt his feelings just a bit, but he knew he needed to cut her some slack. For as long as it had taken for her to start to change, her body was now morphing at lightning speed, and he knew she wasn’t very comfortable.

“No...I don’t think I like Beckett,” Jessie replied and Dean sighed. She’d shot down the first 20 or so names he’d suggested; why would this one be different?

“Reese?”

“For a boy?”

“Well...maybe Homer? Like from Cider House Rules?”

“Ooh, I like Homer but...babe, no one but us is going to think about that movie. They’re all going to think of---”

“---The Simpsons. Right.”

“I want to name him Brett,” Jessie said softly.

Dean sighed.

“Middle name? I don’t want to name him after anyone. I just...I want him to be himself.”

Jessie smiled.

“I know,” she said.

“Elvis?”

“ELVIS! I love it!”

“Really?”

“Yeah, let’s make that our decoy name.”

“Decoy name?” Dean was confused.

“Yeah, the name we TELL everyone we’ve chosen so that when he’s born and we tell them his real name, they’ll all just be relieved that we didn’t really name him Elvis.”

“That’s brilliant,” Dean leaned over and stole a sip of Jessie’s smoothie. “How’d I get the smart girl?”

“You charmed her,” Jessie grinned back.

“What about Finn?”

“Finn seems...incomplete. Short for something? Finnian maybe?”

“Finnian is cool. Finnian Brett Girardi.”

“I like that. Write that down,” Jessie said.

“Okay. Finnian. That’s a start. What about...Amos?”

“You mean like Amos and Andy?”

“No,” Dean said with a grin. “Like Famous Amos, the cookies.”

Jessie giggled.

“Amos is very cool,” she said. “Write down Amos too.”

“Well...we have a whole list of two,” Dean said. 

“All we need is one,” Jessie reminded him.

“I know, but...how about Owen? Owen’s a good name…”

“Owen IS a good name, but we can’t name him Owen Brett.”

Dean sighed.

“You’re right.”

“This is hard,” Jessie said.

“I know. Can you imagine having to name more than one?”

“Good thing we’ll never have to again.”

“What do you mean?” Dean asked.

“I don’t like being pregnant,” Jessie said. “I don’t think I ever want to do this again, Dee.”

“Oh…”

“I know we said we’d have a few kids but...this is the pits.”

“I know. I’m sorry I can’t make you feel better.”

“Aww...just you being here with me makes me feel better,” Jessie leaned across the table and kissed him. 

“I’m ready to feel him kick,” Dean said. 

“Yeah, me too. The book says any time now.”

“Do you think it’s time we start doing some shopping?” Dean asked.

“Do you have any money?” Jessie asked.

“No but...we’ve gotta find a way to get some, because he’s gonna need a lot of shit.”

“Yeah...yeah, he will. But I can breastfeed, so that’ll help some, and there’s that big box of clothes we got from Cici…”

When Cici had found out that Jessie and Dean were having a baby, she had hugged him tight for a long time, something he appreciated but didn’t quite understand, and then she had said,

“You know, Alfie has outgrown his newborn stuff. He’s in 6-9 months now.”

“But...he’s 5 months old…” Dean was puzzled.

“I know, but you dress them in the size they need, not the age they are.”

Damn, he had a lot to learn…

“But...won’t you need them for your next baby?” Dean asked Cici. Cici and Lily exchanged a glance.

“Honey, right now, I’m pretty sure Alfie’s gonna be an only child,” Cici replied. “I’ll pack them up and you and Jessie can help yourselves.”

Now in the cafe, Dean smiled at Jessie.

“The box is massive. Let’s go back to my house and look through it.”

Jessie’s face actually lit up, which made Dean happy. He ordered her another smoothie to go and returned to the Girardi house, where Lily helped him drag the box into the living room and open it up. It was crammed full of large ziploc bags, and each was marked with a size. 

There was so much stuff. Onesies, pajamas, tiny one piece suits, all so soft, all in various shades of blue, green, and yellow. Dean held a pair of booties in his hand and had a hard time imagining that ANYONE’S feet could be that small. He started to point this out to Jessie, until he realized that she was crying silently.

“Jess?” Dean tried to wrap an arm around her but she pulled away from him and covered her face with her hands.

“Mom?” Dean called, and Lily appeared in the doorway.

“Oh, goodness,” she murmured, perching herself on the edge of the sofa between Jessie and Dean. “I was wondering when you were gonna break down, sweet girl.”

Jessie allowed Lily to pull her into her arms and when she buried her face into his mother and began sobbing in earnest, Dean’s heart tightened. 

“It’s okay,” Lily was talking to Jessie quietly. “I know it’s a lot, isn’t it. There’s a lot. I know.”

“I-I’m sorry,” Jessie whispered, sniffling. Dean went for a box of tissues, and when he returned, Lily began softly dabbing at Jessie’s face.

“No reason for sorry,” Lily replied.

“I don’t know how to do this,” Jessie’s voice was still a whisper. “I don’t know how to be a mommy.”

“Well of course you don’t. You’ve never done it before. You know what I think about mommyhood?” Lily asked and Jessie shook her head.

“I think that most women are born equipped to be mothers. We have the parts but that’s the science. You don’t learn how to be a mommy until you’ve got your first in your arms and then you kind of have to learn together. Your first child is the guinea pig. They don’t come with instructions; Roman sure didn’t. And I even had experience in the parenting department from all of the fosters before him, but it wasn’t until I was holding him one night---he’d been sick---he was about 10 and a half or so---that I thought, you, precious boy, I may never get to have you legally, but I’m never going to let you go to anyone else. And that was when I started to learn how to be a mommy. A mama. And he, bless him, began to learn how to be my little boy.

“By the time Dean came along, I was better at it. And by the time we brought Seth in? Old hat. But man, that first few months---you know, I knew his basic needs. I knew he needed clothes, food, shelter, a warm bed, school, love, structure---but all the other stuff was a lot of guesswork at first. You’re gonna get it, sweet girl. And you too, my beautiful boy,” she leaned over and kissed Dean’s forehead too.

“We’re here to help,” she went on. “You’re not alone. It’s okay to be scared; it’s normal to be scared, but it’s---don’t think for one second that you’re alone. Huh?”

Jessie nodded, and Dean rested his head on his mom’s free shoulder.

“Everything going okay with the Thibault’s?” Lily asked Jessie softly.

“Yeah. They’re being really nice to me, I just...I’m not sure what’s going to happen when I turn 18.”

“What do you mean?” Lily continued to rub Jessie’s back with one hand and the back of Dean’s neck with the other.

“I mean...they haven’t said anything about the baby and me staying with them and I don’t know...like, when I turn 18, I age out.”

“Ohhh…” It was clear from the look on Dean’s mother’s face that she hadn’t considered this, which was strange to Dean, because these days it was one of the few   
things he thought about.

“I don’t know how I’m going to finish school…” Jessie whispered. “With a baby, I mean…”

“Well, darlin’, people do it,” Lily reassured. “We’ll figure it out. You two will definitely qualify for DHS assistance on daycare, so there’ll be someone to watch him   
while you’re both in class.”

“Yeah, but I have to have a job,” Dean put in. “We probably BOTH need jobs so we can afford a place to live, and I don’t even think I can get my name on a lease if I’m not 18.”

“And I’m due to give birth the day before school is supposed to start,” Jessie’s voice wavered again. “I’ll miss too much, and I’m not sure...I’m not sure they’ll let me make it up…”

“Well, don’t worry about that,” Lily murmured. “Dean’s missed plenty of school. The only thing the school was concerned about was that he made up the work and his grades held steady and I worked with him, and he was able to take all the tests so the absences didn’t count against him. I’ll just work with you too, baby girl. Tony and I said we’ll help you and we meant it.”

“But I can’t stay with Margo and Eddie after I turn 18…”

“Have you asked them?” Lily questioned, and Jessie shook her head.

“No...no, I haven’t, I just...I’m too afraid of what they’ll say,” Jessie hung her head. “I’ve caused them so much trouble already…”

“Sweetheart, all kids are trouble. Foster kids, adoptive kids, biological kids. They’re all the same at heart. Margo and Eddie adore you, and sweetheart, they knew what they were getting when they opened the box. I know you hear horror stories; just talk to Roman and Seth. But the Thibault’s aren’t like that. You know what I think we need?” 

“What?” Jessie’s voice sounded more even now, and that made Dean happy.

“I think we need a Parent Summit. Tony and Dean and I need to sit down with you and Margo and Eddie. We need to determine what you guys will need and what we can contribute, and what you’ll be responsible for providing for yourselves. Sound good?”

“Yes. Yes, that sounds great,” Jessie murmured and Dean agreed. Thank God for his mother and the way she was just able to make the impossible seem doable.


	97. He Can't Save Her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...painfully close to chapter 100...just sayin'...
> 
> :)

Unlike the first time Seth wanted to see Adria, Lily was actually fairly excited this time. She knew her son was ready now; he was only about a third of the way through her journals, and he’d only shared bits and pieces of them with her, but that was okay. He would tell her all about it when he was ready, and she knew it would happen eventually.

Some of it happened on the three-hour trip to Austin. 

“Adria went to college,” Seth confided. He was sitting in the front seat of the Highlander, happily munching on a bag of Doritos and drinking an energy drink. They’d stopped at a 7-11 before leaving Houston, though Lily still promised him that he could choose anywhere he wanted to eat for dinner.

She actually intended to let him make those decisions for the whole weekend. It wasn’t often that she got to spend time with her baby, just them two. 

“Oh? I didn’t know that. What did she study?”

“Well...she was going to study geneology...but she dropped out…because she was sick...”

Lily gently took Seth’s hand.

“Adria had a hard life, didn’t she.”

Seth nodded. He looked morose, like he was seconds away from crying, but then he smiled.

“Mommy, do you know where Armenia is?”

“Far western Asia, right? Along the European border? I know OF it; I’ve never been there. Why?”

“Adria is Armenian,” Seth told her proudly. “100%. Both her parents were born in the U.S., but before that, all of her grandparents were immigrants. That means I’m half Armenian too!”

Lily loved how tickled Seth was by this; how refreshing it must be to finally know a few things about his heritage. She squeezed his hand with a smile.

“That explains the dark hair and eyes, then,” she said. “Are you happy to know that, bub?”

“I just like knowing more about who I am,” Seth replied. “I’d only ever heard about Armenia before in school, but ever since I read that, I’ve been researching a little. There’s a whole language, and a lot of the traditional foods sound similar to Mediterranean food. Maybe someday, I’ll go see it…”

“You should, Seth,” Lily told him softly.

“She loved me once,” Seth whispered.

“What?”

“Adria, she...when she wrote about me a long time ago, she...she said she was happy. Excited, you know? To be a mom. Even though she also said she knew she’d hurt me...but when she wrote about the day I was born---”

“She wrote about the day you were born?” Lily tried to fight down the pang of jealousy that threatened to work its way out. “Seth, I...I would love to hear about that sometime...I’ve never known any of your birth stories.”

“The journal said that...that it took me 37 hours to come…” Seth began, and oh, the feeling that overtook Lily...she was really going to get to hear about this. She had always, ALWAYS, wondered about the births of her sons, and this was...just such a gift. It occurred to her then, for about the millionth time, that she really owed Adria Rollins so much more than a photo.

“Whew...I think that’s a long time...you were in no hurry, huh?”

“Guess not. The doctor wanted to induce her labor---what does that mean, Mama?”

“It means sometimes the baby is physically ready to come out before labor starts, and sometimes the doctor doesn’t want the baby to stay in any longer---and there are numerous reasons why that might be the case---but anyway, they give the mother some medicine to get the labor started.”

“Ohhh...well, Adria said no. She said they weren’t going to rush me, and then when she finally did start to have me, the doctor wanted to take me---is that a c-section?”

“Usually.”

“Okay. Well, the doctor wanted to take me but she said no again because she said no one was going to rush her son. And the whole time, Matt was saying, no, no, it’s a girl, it’s a girl, I know it’s a girl, but Adria said she knew all along that I was a boy and that she was going to name me Seth. And then when I finally came out, she said she cried and cried because she was so happy that I was there and healthy...and that she loved me. So I know. She did love me.”

“She loves you now. How could she not? She has a disease that changed her a bit, and she can’t really express it anymore, at least not the same way you or I would. But she still loves you. I’m sure of it.”

“How can you be sure?”  
“Because I know how lovable you are.”

When they arrived in Austin, Seth chose a seafood restaurant and both he and Lily agreed that the food was GOOD. Once they were good and stuffed and sleepy and in their pajamas, Seth invited himself onto his mother’s bed, and Lily let him because why not? 

They snuggled for awhile. She could tell he was beginning to feel a little anxious, even though he was excited too. He hadn’t started asking his customary questions yet, but he was trembling just a little. Lily kissed his cheek.

“What are you thinking right now?” 

“I...I was...you know the reason she left?”

“No...I don’t…” she began to softly stroke her son’s hair, knowing that would help whatever battle he was fighting inside of him.

“She hurt me,” Seth murmured.

“She hurt you? How?” Lily’s words were far sharper than she wanted them to be, and she immediately regretted that.

“It was an accident,” Seth was instantly defensive, and Lily realized that no matter what he was about to tell her, he needed her to not judge. She also realized that her reaction to what was coming next would be instrumental in determining how comfortable her baby would ever be again with discussing this stuff with her. She forced herself to calm, burying her nose into her son’s hair and breathing in. He smelled like Old Spice; his father had always used Old Spice and he had passed that down to all three of the boys. As Lily relaxed, she felt Seth relax too. His shoulders and arms began to slacken again as he rested his cheek on her shoulder.

“Tell me about it, bub,” Lily requested quietly. “Tell me what happened.”

“I was five months old,” Seth whispered. “And I’d had a cold. The journal said I was clingy, just wanted to be held. She said she rocked me for hours but she couldn’t make me feel better. Then Matt came home and I was still crying and he started yelling at her and hitting her, and then she kind of blacked out. Like she did whenever she had a hallucination, she didn’t know what was happening while it was happening, but when she was aware of her surroundings again, she...said I was screaming and laying on the bed, and Matt was yelling at her and hitting her, still, only this time he was screaming about...that...that she threw me.”

“She...threw you?” Lily was horrified, but rather than say so, she simply hugged Seth a little tighter. “Did she say what she hallucinated?”

“She never really seemed to remember afterwards. But...but that’s the night she left. After Matt took me and left the room, she put a few things in a bag and left. She said she took...pictures of me, the first journal, the little money she had, and the writing...it sounded so desperate, Mama, like, Seth, Seth, I’m so sorry, you aren’t safe with me, I have to leave before anything worse happens to you.”

A single tear slipped down Seth’s cheek. 

“You were a tiny baby, bub,” she murmured into his ear. “I have a feeling I know what you’re thinking but...you were a tiny baby, you were sick, you wanted to be comforted. And she...it sounds like Matt triggered that more than anything. Not you.”

“Yeah...yeah, I guess...I just…” Seth trailed off. 

“Bub, listen. All babies cry. All babies fuss. All babies go through times when they just can’t be consoled. But none of that ever upset Adria. Nothing happened until Matt harmed her. You are not the reason she left, Seth. You know what I would bet on, though?”

“What’s that?” Seth whispered.

“I would bet my life,” Lily stated, “that you are the reason she stayed alive.”

The hope in Seth’s eyes right then made Lily wilt a little, because no way should her baby ever have had to endure this, but she believed wholeheartedly in what she said. 

The visit the next day went beautifully. Adria, though apparently still not clear on who exactly Seth was, still appeared to be happy to see him, and she was much more talkative. At one point she looked over at Lily, in what looked like a moment of clarity.

“This is your mother,” Adria said calmly. 

“Yes. Lily is my mother,” Seth agreed, and to their surprise, tears sprang to the younger woman’s eyes.

“You take care of him?” 

She was asking, not stating, and Lily felt herself softening. She smiled at Adria.

“I do,” she said softly. “I love him very, very much. He’s my bub.”

“Bub?”

“Bub is what I’ve just always called him. Ever since the day I first met him. My beautiful baby bub.”

“He’s your baby?”

“He’s my baby,” Lily confirmed. “My youngest.”

Adria turned to Seth.

“But she takes care of you?” How agitated she was beginning to sound…

“Yes,” Seth’s voice didn’t waver. “She’s taken care of me since the very beginning. She and Dad have given me a wonderful life, Adria. I go to school and I have friends. I have the two most incredible older brothers on the planet. Their names are Roman and Dean, and they’re just the best. They protect me and teach me and help me when I need them. My parents, they take me places. I’ve been all over. Hawaii, New York, Chicago, the coast, skiing...Dad and I are even going to England next month. I get really good grades. We have dogs and cats, and Dean has a salamander. Its name is Killer. My cat’s name is Spider, and my dog is Wyatt. Well, the dogs are mainly everybody’s, but Wyatt sleeps with me at night. Mostly, I’m just really, really happy.”

Tears still shone in Adria’s eyes, but they were happier now. Lily reached into her bag and handed Seth the wrapped gift that they had brought.

“Here. I want you to have this. Maybe you can put it in your room,” Seth softly handed it over to her, and she took it and stared down at it. Then slowly, she peeled off the tape. When she had the paper off, she inhaled sharply as she gazed down into Seth’s smiling face.

“It’s you,” Adria said.

“It’s me,” Seth’s voice was gentle. “My brother Dean took it. You gave me all of those pictures of me when I was small, and so I thought, maybe, you know...maybe you’d like to have a picture of me now.”

“I like it,” Adria’s voice was slightly husky now. “I like it a lot. But...but I don’t have any children…”

Lily held her breath; she saw Seth tense just the tiniest bit, but then he reached out and took Adria’s hand.

“I know. It’s okay. I know. But you don’t have to have any children to be my friend.”

“You’re a good boy,” Adria murmured, and Lily silently agreed. “I don’t...I don’t have too many friends either…”

“Well...now you have one more,” Seth replied. “Could I maybe...sometime...write you a letter?”

“I can write; I like to write,” Adria’s eyes instantly lit up. “Yes, you can. You can write me a letter if you want.”

Shortly after this exchange, Lily and Seth went back to the hotel. On the way there, Seth broke down into tears, but it wasn’t anything like the awful emotion that had been the aftermath of their first visit. The second Lily parked the Highlander, she reached over and hugged her son.

“I want you to know,” she spoke softly into his ear, “that I’ve always been proud of you. I’m proud of you every single day. But I’m not sure there’s ever been a time when I was more proud of you than I am right now.”

Seth looked at her with watery eyes, and he sighed. 

“Is it always going to hurt?”

“Honestly? Probably. But I do think that as you learn more about Adria, and as you visit with her more, it’ll get a little easier. You’ll know what to expect.”

“So you want me to see her more?”

“Is that what YOU want?”

“I just...I don’t know if it’s helping her at all, but I think it helps me. I just wish I could do more for her… but I can't save her,” Seth leaned into Lily.

“I know. Let me know about anything you think you want to do for her, bub.”

“Yeah...yeah, okay. I will. Thanks, Mama,” Seth snuggled against her. 

They sat in the car like that for awhile, and before long Lily realized something---she had no anger or jealousy over Adria. Not anymore. No matter how often Seth saw her, he was still going to end the day in Lily’s arms, because that was where he knew he truly belonged. And Lily knew she could share him now; she was positive that he had enough love to go around.

 

_________________________________________________

 

The morning of graduation, Roman woke up to find himself in Dean’s bed. He vaguely remembered hearing his brother crying out in his sleep the night before, so he got up and went to check on him. He hadn’t been able to wake Dean, but when he stretched out next to him and draped his arm across his brother’s knees, Dean had relaxed and slept peacefully again.

Their relationship hadn’t been the same ever since they fought, and Roman hated it. It wasn’t that they were uncomfortable, exactly. A little awkward and way too cautious, though. Like they were each afraid of saying the wrong thing again. So when Roman heard his brother in peril, he’d gone to him because...it felt like something he would’ve done before.

Before Megan got sick.

Before Jessie got pregnant.

Before they’d both been forced to grow up a little bit, and they could still just be innocent brothers and best buds.

It took Roman a minute to realize that Dean was playing with the ends of his long hair; his brother was awake.

“Dean?”

“Hey...morning, Rome.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah...why?”

“You sounded pretty upset last night,” Roman told him. “You were yelling and moaning…”

“Awww, hell. Yeah...I was having a crazy dream. You ever just know you had a weird dream? Like you can’t remember the details really, but you wake up and you know you dreamed and it wasn’t scary but it WAS kinda creepy...whatever it was?”

Roman considered this.

“Well, yeah...I don’t usually remember my dreams, just that I had one. Sometimes I do...the ones I remember in detail are usually the wet kind…”

Dean laughed.

“This feels good...this feels...better,” he mumbled, closing his eyes. Roman looked at him. 

He still looked like Dean, but he’d changed somehow. He looked older, wiser, worried, and it began to dawn on Roman for the first time how hard all of this must be for him, too.

“Everything’s fine, brother,” he told Dean softly. “Everything’s okay. Better than okay. Everything is great.”

“Rome? I’m really glad you decided to stay in Houston,” Dean confided.

“Me too,” Roman replied. “I don’t even want to think about leaving now. Not with everything so uncertain and you and Seth are here and Mom and Dad...I’ve never wanted to be away from my family.”

“Man, I have,” Dean said, then laughed again. “Wait, that didn’t sound right; that’s not how I meant it.”

Roman gave Dean a gentle punch.

“Good thing; you ‘bout had me insulted.”

“What I meant was...I wanted to go to Africa. Take pictures of wild lions and hippos and native tribes. I thought maybe I’d spend some time around the world examining other cultures, do some projects for like magazines or whatever...” Dean trailed off.

“You can still do that,” Roman told him.

“Yeah? Who’s gonna babysit the kid?” Dean asked, and Roman immediately saw the issue.

“Well...he does have a mother, Dean…” Roman knew this was kind of a crappy thing to say, but he also knew that Jessie wouldn’t want Dean to give up on his dream, and anyway, this kid was going to be so surrounded by family that there would be no shortage of support for her if Dean ever did want to chase that dream.

“I know,” Dean murmured. “But I can’t ask her to stay behind while I’m out living and anyway...she was going to come with me…”

“They raise babies in Africa…”

“RICH people raise babies in Africa, Rome. Rich people and native people. Two broke young people backpacking through the wilderness to take pictures and write for National Geographic don’t raise babies in Africa.”

Roman didn’t have a great response for this; his brother wasn’t really wrong. He decided to change the subject.

“So...is that what you want to do, then? Be a professional photographer?”

“I dunno...maybe,” Dean said. “Jessie’s always wanted to be a writer, so she wanted to to go college and get a degree in journalism, but...college has never really been my thing, you know? School at all, really. But I thought maybe if I went to like tech school and learned more about photography and maybe also learned about...like...like I like to work on my bike and do mechanical stuff, so I thought I’d do that while she was finishing up school, and then we could go together but now...I guess...God. I don’t know anymore, Rome. I just don’t.”

“That’s okay. You have time to decide. I still don’t know what I want to do at college either, and I’m starting in August. I enrolled in all basic courses for now. None of them sound like a whole lot of fun either but I guess they’ll buy me some time.”

“So like...not going to school has never even occurred to you, huh?” Dean asked.

“Well...no.”

“Because you want to go, or because you know that’s what Mom and Dad expect?” Dean seemed honestly curious.

“I do want to go,” Roman said slowly. “Because I want to have a career and be able to provide for Megan and our...for our future.” 

He purposely didn’t mention children, but he could tell by the look on Dean’s face that he definitely got the point.

Graduation was a week before Roman’s birthday, and he and his parents had sat down and discussed this. They wanted to throw a big graduation party for him and Megan. Invite family and friends from both sides, and simply celebrate their achievement. They also figured that he’d want to do something special for his 18th, though, and they were right.”

“I was kind of hoping for another party,” Roman told them. 

“Like we did when you turned 16?” Lily asked him, and he shook his head. “No, way smaller, but I was kind of hoping we could maybe go to Six Flags.”

“How many kids are we talking about?” Tony had found a piece of paper and a pencil.

“Umm...well, me and Megan of course. And Dean and Seth, obviously, and Will, and…” Roman rattled off several other people, including his cousins in San Antonio if they wanted to make the drive up to Arlington.

His mother and father agreed, and so the plans were set in motion.

The graduation ceremony was incredible; walking across the stage and accepting his diploma was one of the proudest moments of his life. He thought back to when he first arrived in Lily and Tony’s home just eight years earlier, how he’d fought his mother tooth and nail over going to school, how terrified he’d been. He’d felt dumb, stupid, useless. But he had also never been encouraged OR challenged before.

His fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Vaverka, had changed all that. She was still teaching at Creek Ridge Elementary, and she remembered him. Every so often, the football team would go to the lower school for a pep rally, or to push a fundraiser, or even just to talk about the importance of sticking with your dreams. So every time he went, he stopped by to talk to Mrs. Vaverka. And the most recent time, he’d stopped by to offer her and her family an invitation to his graduation party.

Which turned out to be HUGE.

Like, roughly 200 people milling around his parents’ property, but it was okay because it was a lot of space. And lots of FOOD; his parents and the Laird’s had really gone all out for this. There was fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, and corn. Deviled eggs, barbecue, fried okra, and macaroni and cheese. Buns and lunch meat and cheese for sandwiches, along with trays of pickles, olives, tomatoes, and lettuce. Then a separate table with dozens of cupcakes and one large cake shaped like a graduation cap that said “Congratulations Roman and Megan!”

Round tables dotted the lawn, and lights had been strategically set up. Basically, his yard had been transformed into an outdoor ballroom. Only minus the dance floor.

And it was a lot of fun to be in the center of the attention for a reason other than football. His Nonna had even flown in from New York, and even though she was looking very thin and frail, she still snatched him up into the tightest hug ever and gushed over him, and then demanded to meet Megan.

Roman was proud to show her off.

She was looking gorgeous as ever, too; she had changed out of her graduation gown and into a black cocktail-type dress that was short but not TOO short, tight but not too revealing. Her hair was down and loose. It was thinner, but it really hadn’t actively started falling out, and Roman prayed it wouldn’t. Even though Megan clearly cared more about his hair than she did her own, he still thought that anything that could remain normal was good for her.

Actually, she probably wasn’t supposed to be at this party, technically. Due to her compromised immune system, the doctors didn’t like her surrounded by tons of people but they had agreed with her parents that since the party was outdoors in the open and it was just this once, it would be okay. And all Roman wanted was to be close to her. 

“Are you having fun?” Megan squeezed his hand and kissed his cheek.

“I am,” he said. “I’m really proud of us, Meg. Can you believe we did it?”

“Gotta be honest, there were times this last year that I wasn’t sure I would. I can’t say I ever doubted you, though, Mr. Big Football Man.”

Roman leaned over and kissed her. 

“Are you kidding me?” After their lips separated, he looked her over ask he asked the question. “I’d have given up on quite a few things if it hadn’t been for you. BUt none of that even matters now. I love you.”

Megan grinned at him.

“I love you more,” she said.

“We could argue THAT all night,” Roman kissed her again and smiled broadly. “Let’s agree to disagree...for now.”

“Fair,” Megan replied. “So I was thinking about something...you’ll be like a real adult soon, you know.”

“Yes…”

“So what if you and I were to...maybe...go somewhere for a weekend?”

Roman’s eyes widened.

“Do hotels rent rooms to a couple of 18-year-olds?”

“Probably not but I was thinking more like we go pitch a tent somewhere and sleep under the stars, like we did that time after you got hurt Junior year...that was a nice night…”

Roman agreed; it HAD been nice, just to lay there together and stargaze and not have to think. Thinking had to be one of the most painful things about all of this.

“Sure,” he said. “Just name the weekend. Or...hey, since school’s out, it wouldn’t even have to be a weekend, would it?”

“No...no, it wouldn’t. I’d be better off going on a Tuesday and coming back on a Wednesday since chemo is on Thursday.”

“Well...like I said, name the time,” Roman repeated. “Hey---I gotta go say hi to Cici.”

Megs nodded, and Roman took off, but he never really took his eyes off of his girlfriend.

Dean and Jessie had made it to Cici first, and he was bouncing Alfie up and down on his hip. For his part, the baby was giggling hysterically, his tiny laugh musical and innocent. When Cici saw Roman, her whole face lit up.

“There he his,” she said, engulfing him into a hug and holding him tight. “How are you, baby?”

“I’m good,” Roman blushed; he loved the attention all right, but for whatever reason, it still made him feel just a little funny. He reached for Alfie and smiled at Cici.

“I’m proud of you, Roman,” Cici went on. “I remember the first time your mama brought you out to the office. You’ve grown up so much...kind of gives me hope for this guy.”

Alfie was drooling and trying to eat his fingers, but when his mother poked his belly, he grinned. 

“Hey---still no teeth? What’s up with that?” Dean asked, grabbing the baby’s toes and tickling. Alfie giggled again.

“He’s working on them,” Cici revealed. “That’s why he’s a slobber fountain.” Roman passed Alfie back to her as Dean and Jessie got swept up into a group of friends. Cici looked Roman over again.

“You’re going to do amazing things, Roman,” she told him. “You already do, and you’re going to keep on, and I cannot wait to see what you accomplish next.”

He smiled at Cici.

Then his eyes fell on Megan. 

She was across the yard from him, and she was holding her head; no one was nearby her, and Roman suddenly felt his stomach clench. This wasn’t right.

He started to move towards her when she looked up at him, an odd expression on her face. 

When she caught his eye, she smiled at him, waved---then she collapsed.


	98. Meltdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, I am so so so sorry that I ended the last chapter on a cliffhanger and then took forever to update.
> 
> On Monday morning I lost my grandmother; we were fairly close, and it was several days before I even felt like LOOKING at my story again, nevermind adding to it. I'm doing better now, but I really gotta shout out to prittyspeshul, who was there for me when I really needed a friend. I haven't told anyone in my real life yet, mostly because I don't want to talk about it, because talking about it makes me cry.
> 
> This is not a light chapter, guys, but we're only two chaps away from 100!!!

Tony had watched Roman sprint towards Megan, which is why he noticed that she went down, and he took off himself, yelling for his wife.

“LILY! Lu, come here!”

By the time he got to Megan, Roman was on the ground, cradling her upper body and begging her to talk to him, tears streaming down his cheeks.

Megan didn’t look good. Her eyes were open but glassy, and she was moaning but not really speaking. As Lily and Cici converged on them, Tony stood and started to make a path through the crowd that was beginning to surround them so that Megan’s parents could fight their way through.

Julie Laird was an RN too, but all she could do was kneel beside her daughter. Tony saw Jack slip his arms around his wife, but they stayed back a bit so that Lily and Cici could look her over. Tony gently took Roman by the arm.

He tried to fight his father off, but Tony shushed him.

“Mom and Cici know what to do. Let them look her over,” he said quietly, and then his son had flung his arms around him and sobbed.

Now they sat in the waiting room at the ER, Tony with his arm around Roman’s shoulders. Lily had wandered out to join them.

“Mom?” Roman’s eyes held nothing but fear, and Lily’s weren’t too soothing right then, but she sat down and offered her ar ms anyway.

“It’s okay, kiddo,” she murmured. “She’s breathing well and her heart is strong. Her blood pressure is low. That happens sometimes on chemo. Her doctor is looking at her now. Try...Ro, I know it’s impossible, but just try not to be scared, okay?”

Roman just shook his head. He was no longer crying; the fight seemed to have just drained out of the boy. He offered Roman his hand, and he was slightly surprised when Roman took it. None of them spoke for awhile, until Julie Laird appeared in the waiting room doorway. It was late by then, at least 1:30.

“She’s stable,” she said. “They think she just overdid it today---I knew we shouldn’t have had the party but I can’t stop her from living---Roman, thank you for being here, but she’s so tired...I think you should come see her in the morning, okay?”

A flicker of anger fired through Tony; could she not see how badly upset his son was? He noticed Roman’s eyes flash too, but then Lily spoke.

“Give her our love,” she said calmly. Then she stood, crossed the floor, and hugged Julie.

“Thank you,” Julie whispered. “If you hadn’t been there---”

“---she still would’ve been just fine,” Lily gently interrupted. “And no matter what, I don’t think preventing her from the party would’ve made a difference, so don’t say that; don’t do that to yourself. The cancer made her sick, not the party. YOu’re right; you can’t prevent her from having fun and enjoying her life. That’s not healthy either. I want you to call me if you need anything.”

Julie nodded, and then approached Roman and hugged him around the neck.

“You have to know how much she loves you,” Julie whispered. “I really think you’re the biggest reason that she fights.”

The ride home was silent, and when Seth and Dean met them at the door despite the late hour, Roman still didn’t speak as his mother guided him towards their bedroom. Tony went outside and took a look around.

His younger two sons had made a valiant effort at cleaning the place up, and Tony was thankful for that. He made a mental note to reward them later on. Then he decided that even though they were practically grown men now, he was going to tuck them in to bed. 

He was proud of his boys; they’d dutifully given up all three of their bedrooms and setting up camp in their mother’s office so that everyone coming in for Roman’s graduation would have a place to sleep. It was a tight squeeze, but it worked; Nonna got Seth’s bedroom, Nana and Granddad took Dean’s, and Uncle Thomas and his wife took Roman’s. Uncle Shawn and his own wife slept on the pullout in the living room (which Tony could vouch for as being ridiculously comfortable) and the boys’ six cousins slept on air mattresses (the four boys, James, Travis, Cameron, and Carter slept in the basement workout room; the two girls, Aggie and Madison, slept in the living area too).

While Tony was happy that so many family members had made it out, having such a full house was taxing, especially now, because while normally they would have put Roman in his own bed, it appeared as though he’d be bunking with his parents that night.

So when he stepped into Lily’s office, Tony wasn’t at all surprised to find that Dean and Seth were stretched out on the air mattress together, even though there was a perfectly good, comfortable sofa.

“How’s Roman?” Dean asked.

“Tired. Okay. Megan’s doing alright. They think she just over-taxed herself. Everything’s going to be fine, guys. Get some rest, okay?”

He sat with them for a long time after they slept.

A week later it was Roman’s 18th birthday. School was out and so was Megan; she’d spent two nights in the hospital and got sent home with instructions to take it easy. Roman had spent the majority of his waking time over at her house, and then he’d come home and lay in his bed and typically, sleep never came to him. Lily or Tony would stay with him, but neither of them was getting much sleep either. 

The day before Roman’s birthday, Tony asked him if he wanted to cancel his party at Six Flags, and he was shocked when Roman said no.

“Megan said she’d kick my butt,” he explained. “She said I’d better not give up something I really wanted to do just on her account, and she said I only turn 18 once, and that I’d better go and have fun and bring her back a present.”

Tony smiled at this.

“Okay, then,” he said. 

It ended up being a much smaller group than originally anticipated---their three boys, Roman’s friends Willis, Ashton, Carlos, and Ryder, and Roman also told Seth to invite Noah. Then their four male cousins, James, Travis, Cameron, and Carter drove up from San Antonio to meet them in Arlington. In all, it was a dozen teenage boys, which some people would have dreaded. Tony absolutely loved it.

In the end, Roman seemed to love it too.

They left Houston before dawn so they could get to the park right as it opened, and once inside, the boys went nuts. They rode every roller coaster imaginable; in fact, they rode just about every ride from the wildest thrills down to the bumper cars. They gorged themselves on (ridiculously expensive but you only turn 18 once) junk food. Dean, never one to miss out on nachos, was particularly excited at the variety of things to eat, and all of the guys enjoyed a hearty meal of sausages and sauerkraut at a German stand before they left.

Roman looked more relaxed than Tony had seen him in weeks.

And after they packed the kids back into the cars and headed back to Houston, Tony glanced over at his wonderful son, his newly minted 18-year-old, a real, true man now---and smiled broadly when he realized that the boy was sound asleep.

Three days after Roman’s 18th birthday, Seth turned 17, and the day after that, Tony and his youngest child headed off to London.

Seth had, over the years, developed a deep appreciation for Shakespeare, which wasn’t something that had ever really interested Tony, but what did he know? When the boy had requested to go to Shakespeare’s birthplace for his Bucket List trip, his father felt no recourse other than to be thrilled. There was a part of him that had never believed Seth would ever WANT to go somewhere just the two of them.

They arrived in London late, and got a taxi straight to the hotel. The flight had been nice, hardly any turbulence, and they’d had some great conversation.

“Mom mentioned you want to visit Armenia someday,” Tony said and Seth nodded.

“Yeah, I...I kind of do. That’s where Adria’s grandparents came from.”

“Adria is a really cool name,” Tony smiled at Seth. “Do you know what her maiden name was?”

“Vartan,” Seth replied. “I like her name, too. Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay with this?”

“With...you seeing Adria sometimes?”

“Yes...that. Mom says she is. I believe her but sometimes I still feel a little guilty.” Seth looked at Tony with wide, concerned eyes. 

“What do you feel guilty about?”

“Because...because I know she abandoned me but...the more I read about her, the more I know she didn’t want to and also because I can’t fix her.”

“Bub...it isn’t your job to fix her, okay?”

Seth didn’t reply at first.

“Hey...listen to me, son,” Tony spoke softly but firmly. “I am happy that you found her. I’m happy that some of your questions have been answered, and I’m even happy that you want to keep visiting with her, but you have to do that because it’s something you want. Not because you feel obligated.”

“No, I do, I want, I just...the truth is I keep hoping that she’ll remember. Even just a tiny bit. I want...I want to hear her say it, it’s stupid, I know, but---” Tony cut Seth off.

“It’s not stupid. I want her to be able to do that too.”

“YOU do?” Seth was astounded.

“Of course I do, son,” he murmured, wrapping his arm around the boy. “I want only happiness for you. But you...Seth, you have to understand, buddy. Just because she can’t access it---may never be able to access it---the feelings are in there. She didn’t forget you, she didn’t stop loving you. She just doesn’t live in the past because she can’t.”

 

“I don’t know if she’s happy, Dad,” Seth whispered, and he looked near tears. “I don’t know...it seems like they’re taking care of her there. She seems peaceful but it’s...I don’t think it’s the real her.”

“Well...it’s not,” Tony said. “Not really. I don’t think. She’s on serious meds, bud. Anti-psychotics. They’re keeping her as close to sane as possible. I don’t think she’s miserable, buddy, but I can’t measure her happiness. I know it would give you some peace of mind if we could but...my precious boy, my son, you need to know that it’s not your fault. Not even a little.”

“But if I’d never been born…”

“Absolutely nothing about her would’ve been different. Except for that little bit of happy you did give her? She never would’ve gotten to experience that. And that great big bit of happy you give me? I never would’ve been able to experience that either. I’d give anything to fix her, Seth, but I’d give even more for you. I’m so glad you came into my life. I can’t even imagine it without you.”

Seth buried his face into Tony’s shoulder then, and Tony softly rubbed his back. He loved this boy overwhelmingly now; who ever would’ve thought that once upon a time, he questioned whether it would even work?

Before long, with his son close and sound asleep on his shoulder, Tony dozed off as well.

The first morning of the trip, Tony and Seth took the train to Stratford-upon-Avon, to the birthplace of William Shakespeare. Seth was enthralled, and he told his father so.

“I could stay here forever…” he whispered. Tony just grinned. 

After they toured Shakespeare’s house, they stopped at a gift shop and Seth picked out several books (including one for Adria), t-shirts for himself, Roman, and Dean, and a bib for the baby that featured a quote from Shakespeare’s Seven Ages of Man in As You Like It:

“At first the infant, mewling and puking…”

“I think Dean will really appreciate this,” Seth said and Tony had to agree.

Seth and Tony also picked out matching ties, with Shakespeare’s face and several insults from his plays, and they laughed together when they read them.

“Next time Dean makes me mad,” Seth confided to Tony, “I’m going to tell him he’s a cream faced loon.”

“Peace, ye fat guts,” Tony replied and they both dissolved into giggles again.

They ate dinner at a pub, where Seth sampled authentic fish and chips for the very first time, and Tony enjoyed steak and kidney pie. It was delicious, and when they got back on the train, tired but happy, Tony suddenly felt a bond with his boy that he’d never felt before.

Of course, he loved his Seth. He had ALWAYS loved Seth. And he’d even always felt close to Seth but now it was different. Now it was better. Now...it felt right.

________________________________________________________________________

 

_They were lying together under the stars, Megan’s head on Roman’s shoulder, when she sighed._

_“I love you. I love you more than the Earth. I love you more than all of those stars. I love you more than that amazing moon. And when I’m gone, I want you to come out here and look for me. I’ll be the brightest star shining in the sky just for you, Roman. Just for you.”_

_“What do you mean? When you’re gone? You’re not going anywhere. ‘Cept home with me in the morning…” Roman gazed at his girl, the most beautiful girl in the world. He used to think his mother was the most beautiful woman in the world...well, he supposed he still did but that was very different._

_“Oh, Roman...we can ignore it if that’s what you need to do, but...I’d rather get all of it out now while we have time.”_

_“But Megan, I don’t...we have plenty of time,” Roman was confused and also growing slightly annoyed; why was she acting like that?_

_“I’m dying, Roman,” she murmured simply._

_“No. No, you’re not,” he whispered, and all of his annoyance turned to panic. Had something happened? Did she know something she hadn’t told him yet?_

_“I am,” she said simply. “I’m so sorry. I love you, and I’m so very sorry.”_

_“No…” Roman breathed._

_“I wanted to be everything for you,” Megan was oddly calm and peaceful as she spoke. “I wanted to be your wife and your best friend and the mother of your babies, and I wanted us to be forever. And then I had to go get sick and ruin it and...Roman, I’m just so sorry.”_

_Considering the devastating nature of Megan’s words, Roman was becoming increasingly agitated over the way she was speaking so...placidly. Like they were talking about the weather._

_“Megan...please stop. Please don’t do this now,” he knew he was pleading but he didn’t care._

_“But now is the only time,” Megan replied._

_Roman fought against the tears in his eyes; he hadn’t cried in front of her once yet and he really didn’t care to start now, but frightened thoughts and angry words were beginning to bubble inside of him._

_“No...please...you can’t leave me...I need you,” Roman whimpered, tears slowly leaking from his eyes._

_“I know you do. But I have to go, Roman, I’m so sorry. I’m always going to be with you. Always. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”_

_“No…” Roman was openly sobbing now, clinging to his girlfriend as she gazed at him with deep brown eyes._

_“I’m so sorry,” she repeated. She laid her head against his shoulder. And then she stopped breathing._

_Roman was horrified; he hadn’t told her what he needed to say yet and dammit, what the hell, she’d been fine 30 minutes ago._

_“NO! Megan, no, please baby, please, wake up,” he was screaming, shaking her gently, but she didn’t respond and he knew he was too late._

_“NO!” Roman screamed again, didn’t stop screaming as he tried repeatedly and in vain to wake his girlfriend. But Megan was gone; no amount of shaking her as going to make her open her eyes one more time._

_He continued to scream, sob, and shake as he fumbled for his phone; they needed help. But they were in the middle of nowhere and his signal was shoddy and he wasn’t even sure he could explain where they were to the paramedics. He tried to pick Megan up, drag her to his Jeep, do something to help her, but as he lifted her limp body into his arms she was already cold and he screamed again and dropped her back down._

_She was gone. She was never coming back. He was all alone and she was gone. He screamed again._

“Rome! Rome!” Roman could hear Dean’s voice over the sound of his own screams and for a moment he wondered when Dean had arrived. He started to try and explain.

“She’s dead, she died, we need help, please, Dean, we need help, we need to do CPR or something, she’s dead, please!”

“Rome...you were dreaming. You were just dreaming, she’s not dead, you were just dreaming. I’ll get Mom, it’s okay. You were just dreaming.”

Roman’s eyes were still closed and he still shook and screamed because he hadn’t been dreaming; he couldn’t have been dreaming, it had been so very real.

He felt Dean touch his back and nearly jumped out of his skin.

“It’s okay,” he heard his brother murmur. “It’s okay. I’m going to get Mom. It’s okay.”

But it was not okay.

Because he could hide from it. He could pretend he was fine. He could pretend he was strong. None of that mattered.

He wasn’t strong, he wasn’t fine, and he couldn’t hide. Not anymore. 

The love of his life was dying. She had a disease that was in all likelihood going to kill her.

If she was in the 80% success rate and went into remission, there was a 50/50 chance the cancer would come back. Roman knew it, Megan knew it, they all knew it. And she’d fight again, only to have much worse odds, because every time it came back, the chance of her beating it again waned lower and lower.

Megan wasn’t going to be okay.

 _Megan was dying._

The love of his life, his best friend, the woman he wanted to be with forever, was dying.

The dam inside him didn’t burst. It simply exploded.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Roman wasn’t even aware that he’d screamed as he flew out of bed, grabbed the nearest object, and flung it against the wall. 

“NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,” and then the lamp on his desk went flying, and then a strong arm cleared a shelf and still, Roman was trapped inside himself, a whirlwind of hurt, of anger, of fear, of insecurity. He screamed and threw things and overturned his desk, and he had no real concept of what was happening.

He had snapped.

His mattress, overturned, flung into the book shelf, knocking books, the game ball from his final game as a Colt, and his autographed 9ers helmet to the ground. The small shelf of trophies above where his desk used to be went next.

He barely made out the sound of Dean hollering at him to stop, stop, just please stop.

Roman couldn’t stop.

He wasn’t even really aware of what was happening. 

All he could thinking about was Megan. Megan was sick. Megan was dying. With a roar, Roman flung one of his pictures of him and her at the window and he wasn’t sure which one of them was the glass he heard breaking. He didn’t care.

He didn’t notice that something hit his mother in the face as she tried to approach him. He didn’t notice his brother standing in the doorway sobbing hysterically. He could barely hear anything over the freight train in his head.

Dying, dying, dying, his brain chanted.

Alone, alone, alone.

And suddenly, Roman just stopped.

He looked around. His bedroom was destroyed. His mother and brother stood in the doorway. Dean was still crying and Lily had her arms wrapped around him and she just looked...strange. Not angry or sad or afraid but just...a strange amalgamation of all of those things. Strange. An awful feeling took over Roman than. A feeling of deep, agonizing sadness.

_Megan was dying._

Roman felt himself sink down to the ground, felt sobs began to rack his body, felt himself curl up into the tiniest ball he could make in the midst of the mess on his bedroom floor.

_He was going to be alone._

He sobbed and sobbed and before too long, his mother tentatively stepped over the debris and cleared a spot so she could sit beside him. He felt her loving hand on his shoulder, and that only made him feel worse. Roman cried harder.

_His future was gone._

There would be no wedding. No travels. No life together. No children. It would all be gone, if Megan died.

A wail built up and exited Roman’s throat then and he allowed his mother to pull him into her arms. She didn’t say anything, just cradled the back of his neck with a soft, soothing hand, allowing him to bury his face into the crook of her neck. He felt himself pull his knees up to his chest as he felt the gentle motion of his mother slowly rocking him. He couldn’t stop his tears.

He had no idea how long they sat there; it barely even registered to him when his mom held out an arm to Dean, who scrambled into the pile on the floor. It barely even registered to him that they were all crying together.

He was completely exhausted by the time his mother and brother gently helped him to his feet. He was offered water and he drank but he didn’t really even realize that he was thirsty. His limbs were numb. He could barely move. But Roman allowed himself to be gingerly guided around the mess that was his bedroom, Mom holding his hand to lead, Dean behind him to catch him just in case.

He’d fallen already though. It was too late to catch him. 

Megan was dying.

Roman felt his mother softly tuck him into her bed, and he felt Dean lie down behind him and drape himself across his older brother, protective, gentle, not willing to let Roman hurt anymore.

He couldn’t keep Roman from hurting, of course; they were way beyond that. But Roman still appreciated it. He wanted to tell his brother again that he was going to make the most amazing dad, but he was barely there anymore. Although he didn’t want it, sleep was imminent, and he couldn’t make his mouth move. Instead he groaned softly, then shuddered, and then he felt more than heard Dean whisper in his ear,

“I’ve got you, Rome. I’ve got you.”

______________________________________________________

 

Dean had been through his share of hell in his lifetime, that was common knowledge. But he didn’t think he remembered a time when he had EVER been as scared as he was when he stood in his brother’s doorway and watched him tear everything apart. Nor had he been so afraid when he saw his mother attempt to approach his brother, only to be nailed in the face with one of Roman’s trophies. Dean leaped forward and caught her and pulled her back into the doorway. Together they sat there, helpless to do anything but watch.

It seemed to go on forever before Roman just kind of melted to the floor, curled up, and cried and cried, something else Dean wasn’t privy to. He’d seen Roman cry, of course, but never like this.

Now all he could do was hold his brother.

Roman had long since succumbed to the exhaustion of his emotional release. Lily was curled up on the chaise. She had a bruise on her cheek and she held an ice pack over it, but she was fine and she and Dean both knew that. Neither of them spoke. What was there to say? To be honest, they probably should have seen this coming. His brother was notorious for shouldering the world, and this would have been too much for anyone. 

It scared the piss out of him.

What if his own kid got cancer? And they couldn’t afford treatment? 

Oh, sure, the baby would get on state insurance and Dean knew his parents would help. At the parent summit, they agreed that in the event that there was something the child absolutely required for his own well-being, they would do whatever needed to be done. That had helped Dean’s anxiety a little. 

Also, the Thibault’s had said that Jessie and the baby would stay with them until she graduated from high school, because everyone agreed that both of them finishing was very important. Lily and Tony thought they should also meet with Cassie to see what kind of resources were offered via DFS; the state offered many different programs designed specifically for young parents, to help them learn and to help prevent some of the big mistakes that caused kids to wind up in foster care in the first place.

Cassie, they hoped, would also be able to help them set up daycare, though Dean was hoping they wouldn’t need it.

Neither of them felt good about leaving their baby with a stranger when he was tiny, but neither of them knew what to do about it. Then one morning Dean broke down over his waffles, sniffling and sobbing and he poured his fear out to his mother, who took his hand.

“Now, Dean. I said I wasn’t going to raise him. I never said I wouldn’t help you. I understand. I’ll keep him during the day while you guys go to school; I know Margo works and I have all the time in the world. It’ll be fine, son. It’s going to be okay. When he’s older, we can see about daycare.”

“But...we can’t pay you…” Dean had whispered. Lily had smiled.

“I know. You can pay me in baby snuggles.”

With that huge weight off, there was only one more huge obstacle (and many smaller ones) but this one was a biggie. Because while Dean was thankful that the Thibault’s were going to allow Jessie and their son to stay with them, that meant Dean wouldn’t be living with them until they graduated, which was about the first 9 months of their baby’s life, and that...that wasn’t okay with him.

It was way, way, way better than the alternative, and he knew he couldn’t ask his parents to let Jessie and the baby move in, and that he needed to just suck it up and let go of it. 

But he couldn’t.

Dean wanted to be woken up all night by tiny cries; he wanted to have to help decipher what the baby boy needed. He wanted to participate in 3 am feedings, the multiple diaper changes, the fussing, the first cold---this was his responsibility too, dammit, and he was desperate to handle his responsibility, but it seemed like no one else wanted him to.

He didn’t know what he was going to do, but he couldn’t worry about that right then. As Jessie’s belly grew, so did the list of things the baby would need.

Carseat, stroller, diapers---so many diapers, a bassinette or bed of some sort, wipes, clothes---well, Cici had helped immensely with the clothes. There had been at least 25 outfits in that box, many of which featured things like dinosaurs. Dean was delighted. 

The baby even had a name: Finnian Amos Brett Girardi. They never could decide between Finnian and Amos, so they went with both. Dean liked it because his initials spelled Fab. They agreed that he would go by Finn. And Dean had finally felt him kick.

Whooo, boy, that was a strange feeling. It was almost like Jessie was having a muscle cramp, but when he asked, she smiled softly and shook her head.

“Nope, that’s him,” she had murmured, looking as serene as Dean had ever seen her. 

Now, lying with Roman, Dean was pulled from his reverie by a soft groan from his brother. He looked up and realized they’d been resting for several hours and Roman was waking up. Dean looked him over.

Roman’s still-swollen eyes were red and puffy. When he realized Dean was watching them, he sighed.

“Where’s Mom?” Roman muttered.

“She’s out in the kitchen,” Dean quietly replied. “Starting dinner. Roman, are you okay?”

“I was having a dream,” Roman’s voice was barely audible.

“Yeah, I know,” Dean replied. “You don’t have to talk about it.”

Roman nodded, then winced.

“My head hurts like a bitch.” 

“I’ll get you some---” Dean began to offer Tylenol, but Roman grasped ahold of his brother.

“No, don’t go. Don’t...please don’t go.”

So Dean didn’t go. Instead, he wrapped his arms around his big brother even tighter and just held onto him, doing what he could to reassure Roman that everything was going to be fine. 

And he talked. Softly, because he knew that loud would be too much for his brother just then. He rattled on about the baby and the chosen name, the upcoming Famiversary to Costa Rica. He questioned whether he’d remember how to surf.

“Do you think it’s like falling off a bike?” Dean asked Roman, who almost smiled.

“I think the expression is like riding a bike,” the eldest Girardi son corrected but Dean shook his head.

“I was always better at falling off…”

A silence fell between them, but it was comfortable. Companionable. They sat together silently for a long time before Roman spoke.

“So Finn...cool name,” Roman said when Dean told him of their choice. 

“Thanks. She only wants to give birth once. But we agreed that later on, we’re going to adopt twin girls. Like when Finn is 10.”

“Oh yeah?” Roman looked like he was close to a smile again. “And what’re you going to name them?”

“Katniss and Khaleesi,” Dean replied. “It just seems like the right thing to do.”


	99. Decision Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slowly getting back on track...the holidays are killing me. 
> 
> It's been just over two weeks since I lost my Gran, and I really want to thank everyone who offered condolences. She was the most beautiful woman in the world and I'm still hurting every day, but support comes in the most unexpected places some times so again, thank you. Thank you all.
> 
> Oh, and we're just 5 kudos away from 300, so---TELL YOUR FRIENDS! LOL

Meanwhile in London, Tony and Seth were having a ball with absolutely no idea of the angst that was happening back home. 

The day after Stratford-upon-Avon, Tony surprised Seth with tickets to see Hamlet at the Globe Theatre. 

Seth was too stunned to speak for a moment, and then he flung his arms around his dad.

“For real?” 

“For real. Dinner afterwards. What do you think?”

“I think it sounds perfect,” Seth whispered, just thrilled and shocked and excited all at once.

“I had to get seats with another father and son,” Tony explained. “It’s basically like season tickets back home; patrons will buy tickets and not make every show, so they sell the rest.”

“I guess you probably only need to see the play once, right?” Seth replied. “At least, just once a season...Dad?”

“Yeah, bub?”

“I’m thinking about trying drama next year.”

Seth noticed the look of shock that passed over his father’s face, though to his credit, Tony recovered quickly. Seth really didn’t blame him though; it was kind of hard for him to believe it himself. It wasn’t that Seth necessarily wanted to be in the center of the attention (because that would probably never happen), but the idea of being able to disappear into a character, just be someone else for a little while, sounded vastly appealing. He had no idea whether he’d be good at it or not but he wanted to try. And he relayed all of this to his dad.

Tony paused thoughtfully.

“You know, Seth, actually---it does surprise me that you’d want to do something with a lot of people watching, but your logic makes sense, and I think you’ll be really good at it. You have a great memory, some great expressions---yeah. Yeah, I think I can totally see you acting. If it’s something you want to do, you definitely need to try   
it.”

His father’s words made Seth feel good; he was pretty excited for his Senior year, and he was also excited to try something new. 

Hamlet was spectacular.

Seth enjoyed reading Shakespeare a great deal but he’d never seen a performance before that night, and the whole thing was captivating. The two people that shared their balcony were a father and son named Josh and Blake. Blake was about two years older than Seth, and before the play had begun, they’d talked briefly.

“So you’re from the U.S., then?” Blake asked and Seth nodded. 

“Yes. Texas. Where are you from?” Blake had an accent that Seth couldn’t quite place.

“Scotland,” Blake answered. “Outside of Glasgow.”

“So you must come to London like all the time?” Seth was curious, but Blake smiled.

“Not so often as you’d think,” he replied. “It’s a bit of a trek, but Dad and I decided to take a holiday this weekend. Get out from Mum and my sisters for a bit.”

“I don’t have any sisters,” Seth said. “Just two older brothers, but this is on my bucket list.”

“Ah. You’re having fun, then? With your dad?” Blake asked and Seth nodded. 

“Yeah. I really am.”

Seth didn’t really notice that throughout the performance, Blake kept looking him over from his seat.

The theatre offered an intermission, and Seth told Tony he needed to use the restroom, and asked if he could get a bottle of water. Tony offered Seth some cash, and he headed off to find the rest area.

Seth’s insecurities had always prevented him from using urinals, so he slipped into a stall. The washroom, he was surprised to find, wasn’t all that busy. When he was finished, he stepped out to wash his hands---and practically collided with Blake.

“Oh---hey---” Seth began but he was silenced when Blake pressed his lips to Seth’s. 

Panic rose up in his throat; what was happening? Was he---being kissed---by a boy? His kneejerk reaction was to try to push the bigger boy away, except...he didn’t.

What was happening?

Seth’s heart was racing and he thought he might faint. He definitely didn’t want to be standing here doing this, being kissed by this stranger that he’d known for an hour, which wasn’t nearly enough. So why was he feeling the way he was suddenly feeling? Why were his legs shaking? Why was he tingling in places he’d never---why---

What was happening?

He was terrified. But it didn’t feel awful.

It actually...might’ve...felt...good.

With a cry of anguish, Seth finally managed to push Blake away and wriggle out from between the larger boy and the bathroom stall and flee. His insides were a frenzy; none of this made any sense whatsoever, and he didn’t know what to do. He had to go back to the box and to his father, but Blake would be there. But he couldn’t just hide all night; Dad would worry and then Seth would probably have to explain what’d happened and he couldn’t do that, not when he wasn’t at all sure what HAD just happened. 

Was he?

Had he really just been kissed by another guy---and liked it?

 

______________________________________

 

The Texas Turmoil didn’t really die down. Roman had settled into Lily and Tony’s bed and gone immediately to sleep. Then, Lily knew, once he woke, he laid calm and comfortable with Dean. She also knew that Roman was probably not aware yet that some of his flying debris had bruised her face, and her fear was confirmed when she casually went into her bedroom to tell her boys that dinner was ready.

“Mama?” Roman seemed confused at first. “What happened to your face?”

Lily gently rested her son’s hand against her cheek.

“I got too close,” she said quietly. Roman pulled away from her touch as though he had been burned.

“I did that?”

“It was an accident---”

“I did that?” The boy repeated, and Lily didn’t even have words to describe the look on his face. She didn’t even try to decipher it.

“Shhh...Ro...I’m okay, kiddo. It doesn’t hurt---”

“I did that?!” Roman said it again for the third time, and now, while his voice hadn’t reached a scream, it was definitely more shrill and Lily could see he was   
beginning to devolve back into the sobbing mess that he’d been that morning.

It would do her no good to lie.

“You threw something,” Lily told her son quietly, so quietly that he had to slow his panicked breathing for a moment so that he could hear her. “You threw something, and it hit my face.”

Roman let out a soft, tormented wail and curled up in a ball on the bed. His face was hidden by his hair, and when he felt Lily’s hand on his back, he jerked away. Lily and Dean shared a look. 

But no matter what his behavior indicated he wanted, she absolutely refused to leave his side. Instead, she rubbed his back in soft circles.

“Nooooo...Mama....” Roman moaned.

“It’s okay. I’m okay. It doesn’t hurt. I’m just fine, kiddo.”

“But I did that,” her son was sobbing openly now, disconsolate, and still she rubbed his back. 

“Shhh....you didn’t do it on purpose. I’m not hurt, Ro.”

She was slightly surprised when Roman twisted around then, to allow her to craddle him against her so that he could rest his face against her neck.

“Everything is wrong,” he sobbed. “Everything is wrong.”

“I know. I know that’s what it feels like right now. Ro. Roman.”

Lily gently took his hand and ran it over the bruised area of her cheek.

“I’m okay, Ro. It’s just a bruise; it’ll go away like bruises do. You didn’t hurt me. It’s okay, sweet boy.”

Roman was allowed to cry it out into his mother’s neck, and he cried for a long, long time.

Fortunately, by the next morning he had definitely improved---an evening in bed watching TV and talking to his brother, followed by a good night’s sleep in his   
mother’s arms and a hearty breakfast at IHOP helped. By the time he, Dean, and Lily returned home, Lily could see a remarkable difference. 

Dean, on the other hand, picked at his food. 

“What do you say you two call Megan and Jessie and see if they want to hang out by the pool for awhile?” Lily suggested. Roman jumped at this chance. Dean balked.

Yeah, something was definitely up with her middle child, and whatever it was, Lily didn’t like it. 

She approached him quietly after Roman had left to get Megan.

“What’s going on? Don’t say nothing. I can tell you’re unhappy and I want to help you. Let me help you, sweetie.”

Tears immediately filled Dean’s eyes. Lily wrapped her arm around him.

“It’s okay, baby. It’s okay, my baby. What is it? Talk to me. Are you upset about yesterday?”

Dean nodded, but then he whispered,

“A little bit. It was scary but...Roman needed that.”

“Yeah, he did. He’s been trying to carry it all and he can’t. It’s too much. It’s too much for anyone to carry. But...Dean, that’s Ro’s burden. He’s always had it in his mind that he needs to suffer alone for the betterment of everyone he loves. And yesterday he finally blew. That’s not especially healthy.”

“No...no I guess not,” Dean whispered. Lily gently took his chin and guided his face until he was looking into her eyes.

“I love you,” she said simply, and that did it.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” Dean’s voice was barely audible, but Lily heard him loud and clear. He didn’t need to explain. She knew exactly what he meant.

“Can you tell me what makes you feel that way?”

“Mom, I’m 17,” Dean began. 

“I know that. That’s...oh, baby. I want to tell you that you’re young, but you can still be an amazing, young father, because I honestly believe that. But I don’t want   
you to feel like I’m influencing your decision. Is that the only reason you’re having doubts?”

“No,” Dean confessed. “Mommy...Jessie and I don’t agree on ANYTHING. And I mean anything. Little things, important things...anything. We argued in Toys R Us the other day over which Boppy cover to get. We can’t decide on a car seat. Or what kind of , diapers he’ll wear, or what he’s going to eat. Or WHEN he’s going to eat. She doesn’t want him to be on a schedule. She says he’ll sleep when he’s tired and eat when he’s hungry and like...I don’t mean that if he’s starving I’d make him wait until whatever time to feed him, but...we’ll be in school. And Mom, he’ll be a brand new tiny baby. What if he doesn’t KNOW that he’s hungry? But when I asked her that, she just laughed at me...she thinks it will be okay to spank him, and I don’t WANT to do that...nothing feels right anymore, Mom. Nothing feels like it’s supposed to and I don’t know what to do. I’m not gonna abandon my baby; I’d never abandon my baby. But I don’t know how I’m gonna make it like this. Because...because the truth is, if Jessie and I had discussed any of this before she got pregnant, I don’t know...I don’t know if I would’ve wanted to have kids with her. I mean it doesn’t make me not love her, just...we’re running out of time to make these decisions and she doesn’t want to talk about it and we NEED to.”

Lily took her son’s words all in. She hated to say it, but he needed to hear it, so she phrased her next words carefully.

“It feels a little bit to me like you’re not so much doubting your ability to be a father as much as you’re doubting your ability to parent with Jessie.”

Dean looked at her, eyes red. 

“I can’t leave her, Mom. I can’t, because then I’ll never get to see my son and I’m IN LOVE WITH HER.”

Lily held Dean close.

“I’m not suggesting you leave her, sweetie,” Lily murmured. “I’m not suggesting that at all. But you have to think about a few things. First of all, parents don’t always agree. Your dad and I don’t always agree. But we always, always talk together and discuss all the options. I don’t like that she laughed at your concern. Although I will tell you that you’re right that he won’t know that hunger is what he’s feeling, but he WILL be able to alert you that he needs a feeding, so please don’t worry about that. That’s why babies cry. Because he can’t say, hey, Daddy, pass the cereal.”

Dean laughed softly.

“This is really happening, Mama,” he rested his head on her shoulder and allowed her to snuggle him.

“It really is,” she replied. 

“God...Mom...how is it possible to be so excited for him and at the same time feel like I’m making a huge mistake?”

“Well, let me tell you about parenting, Dean. Sometimes, everything feels like a mistake. Sometimes you feel like everything is wrong and you haven’t done anything right. And then other times, you peek in to check on your oldest, because he’s just had a major emotional breakdown, and you see your middle son wrapped around his brother just talking to him to help ease his pain. And then you think, damn. I may not be perfect, but I’m not fucking everything up.”

“I’m so scared, Mom,” Dean’s voice was once again barely audible, but Lily could hear it waver. 

“I know. Scared is okay, sweetie. Scared is probably good, actually, because scared is realistic. And I’d imagine fear is why Jessie’s having a hard time talking about this. You have to though, you know that, right?”

“Yes. I do. And I don’t know where to start.”

“Well, start with the carseat. Because you can’t bring him home without that. Wait on the rest. Cici says a diaper is a diaper, and she got several different brands as gifts and she used them all when Alfie was tiny. But she says the brand won’t matter so much until he’s mobile, which won’t be for a good while yet.”

“Yeah...yeah, I guess...but some of the other stuff---”

“I know. So the schedule thing. In a way, you’re both right. Because he needs some structure and he’ll just be generally happier if he knows he can expect stuff to just happen and he doesn’t have to worry. On the other hand, you kind of have to customize your schedule around your particular baby’s needs. So that’s something that can’t really be decided until he’s here and honestly, until he’s just a little older than newborn.”

“Okay...but the other thing…”

“Yes,” Lily agreed. “That’s something that you need to get on the same page about, and if you’re not comfortable spanking your child, then you definitely shouldn’t do it. Here’s the thing though. It’s gonna be a long time before he’s old enough to understand the relationship between choices and consequences. So you have time to work that out. You definitely do need to work it out...but you don’t have to do it today.”

Dean sighed; it kind of felt to Lily like he was melting against her.

“I don’t regret him,” he told his mother candidly. “I love my son. But...but loving him isn’t enough. I wish I could change it. I would make it so that this happened five years from now. Because it isn’t fair to him, Mom. It isn’t fair to Finn. He deserves to be born into a family that’s prepared for him.”

“Dean, every child deserves that. You, Roman, and Seth all deserved that. You didn’t get it but you’re doing just fine, and you’re going to make mistakes, sure, but they’re going to be a completely different class of mistakes from the ones that Brad and Shelby made. Let me ask you something. What do you want for Finn?”

“I want him to be happy,” Dean didn’t hesitate. “I want him to never wonder why no one loves him. I don’t want him to EVER be afraid of being hurt. I want him to know that no matter what, I’m always going to love him and be there for him. I want...I want what you and Dad give me.”

“Then son, he’s gonna be the luckiest little guy in the whole world because you already know how to give him all of that,” Lily smiled and kissed Dean on the forehead. “Now go call Jessie.”

“But I can’t make her talk about---”

“No. You can’t. And if you have to make her, then it’s not going to be the right discussion anyway. Just tell her you love her and you want to talk about the other love of your life---the one you two are going to share.”

And Dean did just that.

 

______________________________________________

 

It wasn’t a terrible conversation.

Jessie agreed to come out to the Girardi’s house and when she got out of the car, the first thing Dean noticed was that dang, she had gotten bigger. It’d been less than 48 hours since he last saw her, but it looked as though her size had doubled. He was smart enough to know better than to say that, though.

“God, you’re gorgeous,” was his chosen phrase instead.

“I’m a beached whale,” Jessie answered, returning the kiss he offered. 

“No. You’re beautiful and you’re beautifully carrying our son,” Dean replied, and he kissed her again. “I love you. You know that right?”

“Of course I do. I love you too. But that’s not why you want me over here.”

“No. I mean, I want you here because I want to be with you. But Jess...if we can’t communicate now...this isn’t going to work. And I...I want it to work. I need it to work,” Dean whispered. Jessie looked at him.

“Listen,” she began. “I want to be together too. Of course we’re going to be together.”

“But we’re NOT,” Dean replied. “There are a lot of things that we’re not together on, babe. And some of it we don’t have to be, at least not now, but some stuff...we   
can’t pretend this isn’t happening. We can’t just let whatever happen.”

“Dean Girardi,” Jessie said, almost teasingly, “are you telling me that you actually want to...plan some stuff?”

“Look...I know. I know I don’t usually but...this is so important. And like I said, we can’t...this is gonna happen. He’s coming. Finn is coming. I’m terrified, Jessie. I’m absolutely, positively terrified.”

Jessie’s face softened. She rested her hands on Dean’s cheeks.

“Dean...Dee. Oh, Dee. I had no idea...oh, Dee.”

She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, then pulled back and murmured softly,

“I’m terrified, too.”

“You are?” Dean wasn’t too surprised to hear this, even though they hadn’t discussed it before.

“Hell yes I am. My God, Dee---we’ve made a child. A living child. And I have to give birth to him. What if I can’t do it? What if I’m not physically capable of birthing this baby?”

“Then you’ll have a c-section,” Dean was trying to be soothing, but Jessie wrinkled her nose.

“Dee. That’s MAJOR surgery. I don’t WANT a c-section.”

“Baby, I don’t want that either but what I mean is that if for some reason you can’t deliver him naturally, they’ll do a c-section and you’ll both be fine. And I’ll take care of both of you.”

Jessie sighed.

“Listen...I’m sorry I was a jerk the other day,” she whispered.

“I know...it’s okay. We’re both afraid. We just...we’ve got to remember that we have to work together.”

“No, I know,” Jessie replied. “I know. I’m so sorry, Dee.”

“Jess...it’s okay. But...listen. I don’t care about car seats. I don’t care about formula or breast milk. But...my biological mother slapped me around. She didn’t beat me but she didn’t care for me either. I don’t want that to happen to Finn. I’m willing to discuss how we’ll handle discipline, just...I can’t hit him. I don’t want to. My mom and dad don’t hit me, and I’ve never wanted to do wrong for them. Please, Jess...please. I don’t want to do that to Finn.”

Jessie’s eyes sparkled with tears.

“Okay,” she whispered, wrapping her arms gently around Dean’s neck. “I didn’t think about it like that. My parents spanked me, and I just...but you’re right. I’ve thought about it and you’re right. The only thing I ever learned from that was that I didn’t want to get caught.”

“EXACTLY!” Dean exclaimed. “Exactly. I know he’ll do stuff that’s wrong. And I know it’s up to us to teach him how to do right. But he has to understand why he   
was wrong. We can’t just yell and scream at him and hurt him...we have to teach him. I WANT to teach him. Jessie...I’m scared, absolutely, but I’m also...I’m kind of   
excited. No, I’m REALLY excited. Can you believe we’re starting a family?”

“No. Sometimes I have to pinch myself,” Jessie confessed.

“I know it’s gonna take some time before we can really be a family...and I hate that. But once we are...it’s gonna be awesome.”

They sat together for awhile, silent, with Dean rubbing circles on Jessie’s belly, when she suddenly sat up and turned to him.

“I don’t want to keep living with the Thibault’s if I can’t be with you,” she whispered.

“I know...I know. But we have to do what’s right for Finn and we have to stay in school and the only way we can be together is...is if we get married,” Dean replied softly.

The realization seemed to strike them both at the same time.

They could get married.

“Surely we’re old enough to do that without anyone’s permission...aren’t we?” Jessie said softly.

“I...I don’t know,” Dean replied. “Do you want to get married?”

“I mean...yes. I do. But...I want a wedding. A wedding and a honeymoon and all of that. I don’t want to get married because that’s our only option. But...I need you with me.”

“I want to be with you,” Dean said softly. “I don’t want Finn to spend his first year without me.”

“But Dean...if we do just go get married...where will we live?”

“I...I don’t think my parents would abandon me. No. I KNOW they wouldn’t. I don’t know if they’d be very happy at first, but they’d help. Mom is already going to watch him while we’re at school, and it’s not like we’re just going to dump him off on them once school is done for the day. They can’t keep us apart if we’re legally married. Jessie...I love you...let’s do it. Let’s get married.”

“Okay. I love you too, and I want to be your wife,” Jessie replied and then she smiled. “Jessie Girardi. I like it.”

“I love it,” said Dean with a smile of his own. “As soon as I get back from Costa Rica, we’ll see what we need to do and we’ll get married.”


	100. Famiversary (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's here, it's here, it's here!
> 
> It's unreal to me that here I am, with the support of all of you, about to hit Post on chapter 100, titled Famiversary, because what could be more appropriate for the 100th chapter? 
> 
> This chapter is long, because I really wanted a POV from each of the five main characters. Also, each character has a flashback, so yeah...it got kinda big.
> 
> There's only a year (in Girardi time) left on the story, so I kind of consider this chapter to be the swinging door into the final year. Thank you all so much for being a part of this. I hope you love it---I hope it was worth the wait. A lot of painstaking hours went into this one!

**Lily**  
In the month following Roman’s breakdown over Megan, Dean’s discussion with Jessie, and Seth’s trip to England, the family dynamic seemed to Lily to change.

It wasn’t necessarily a bad change, and she couldn’t quite pinpoint it, but all three of her sons seemed to be growing on an emotional level that didn’t seem quite fair for any of them, but then, they’d all had to grow up at unfair rates and if they didn’t complain about it, surely Lily could work through it herself.

When Seth and Tony had returned, Tony had sat down with Lily and told her about Seth’s experience at the Globe Theatre. Seth had told Tony about it; about how another boy had kissed him, which had taken him by surprise and frightened him a little. Lily had then approached her son, who repeated it and burrowed his face into his mother.

“He apologized afterwards. He said he thought I...I’d like it,” Seth whispered.

“But you’re okay?” Lily had asked him quietly, analyzing his face.

“I...yeah...I’m okay,” Seth had replied, and she had realized right away that he was leaving something out. She didn’t press him though; she just hugged him tight and murmured,

“Okay, then. I love you.”

Roman was still struggling some with Megan’s illness, but he’d stopped bottling things up and instead seeked her out more than once when he wanted to talk about things. It helped that Megan seemed to be doing better since she collapsed. She wasn’t at all happy; Lily knew her mother was basically insisting that she take it easy most of the time. But with that rest came some relief, and with relief for Megan came relief for Roman, which led to relief for Lily.

She was most worried about Dean.

Her middle son seemed overall happier once he’d sat down and discussed things with Jessie, but stress still radiated off of him. Lily knew he was still scared of fatherhood, of all of the responsibility it would bring, and of the uncertainty of the future. She tried to offer him reassurance, but she knew that unfortunately, a lot of it Dean would just have to figure out on his own. And that was hard for a mom.

Lily had to admit, though, that she was impressed at the way Dean was tackling some of the things that needed to be done before Finn’s arrival. 

On the flight to Costa Rica, he pulled out his laptop and opened a spreadsheet. The document resembled a business plan, beginning with the things they absolutely had to have right away and how much each item was going to cost. Then it chronicled what he and Jessie could afford at the moment and a request to borrow money from Lily and Tony. The proposal was completed by a schedule for payback, with a combination of money and odd jobs. 

“You’ve put a lot of thought into this, Dean,” Lily told him with a smile. “I’m proud of you.”

Dean smiled and blushed.

“Well...I just...like we can’t sit and pretend we don’t need it. We can’t avoid the fact that our money is limited. And I know you’ll help and I appreciate that, but I want to make sure you and Dad know that I’m serious about paying it back.”

Lily’s smile widened.

“Okay. So let’s look at this. First of all, why do you need three extra car seat bases?”

“The seat only comes with one. So Jessie’s car. I need one in my car, and I thought it’d be good to have them in your car and Dad’s car since you’ll be keeping him during the day…”

“Okay. So let’s say we scratch two of those off the list, because Daddy and I can buy the ones for our cars ourselves. Anything that Finn will need in our care, we’ll foot the bill for.”

“You don’t have to…” Dean began, but Lily stopped him.

“I know. We want to.”

Dean sighed and rested his head on Lily’s shoulder.

They went over Dean’s stuff a little more as the plane glided peacefully at 30,000 feet, before Dean turned back to her.

“Mom? What do you want him to call you?”

“Finn?”

“Yeah.”

“You know...I’ve never really thought about it,” Lily considered this question. 

“Well, Margo wants Nana, which we figured would be fine with you since we call our own grandmother Nana…”

“Yeah, no, not Nana,” Lily agreed. 

“I was thinking maybe Grammy. Or Gigi; you could totally pull off Gigi.”

This thought made Lily giggle; Grammy didn’t seem quite right either, but Gigi...Gigi had potential. She had a question first though.

“If I went by Grammy, would Dad be Grampy?”

“I’m going to be Papa,” her husband piped up from the other side of the aisle, where he was wearing a sleeping Seth across his upper body. Lily grinned; after all of these years and countless trips, her baby still couldn’t stay awake on a plane. 

“Papa, huh? Papa Tony?”

Tony nodded. 

“Yup, Papa Tony. Sounds Italian, right?”

“Yes it does. Sounds like I’m gonna find you in the kitchen making pizza at any moment.”

“Mama Mia!” Tony stuck his tongue out at Lily. She, Dean, and Roman all laughed.

“So Grammy or Gigi?” Lily asked her husband.

“How about Mama Lulu?” Tony suggested.

“I...I don’t think Jessie would like that,” Dean said. 

“No, of course not,” Lily smiled gently at her son. “And not Nonna either, since I’m not technically from Italy.”

“Well, I like Gigi,” said Dean. “But if you like Grammy better, then we can go with that.”

“No...you’re the daddy,” Lily said. “Gigi it is.” And the more she thought about it, the more she realized she didn’t mind. She leaned her head back against the headrest and closed her eyes, thinking back to a time when another child was trying to decide what she should be called…

_He was eleven, hurt, and scared. He’d been living in the Girardi household for just over three weeks, since being released from the hospital after the first surgery to repair his broken wrist. He was still angry, confused, and often malevolent. Lily wondered how it was possible to love a second child as much as she loved her first. Because that’s what it was; she loved Dean so much already that she had a hard time envisioning her life before him. Roman turned out to be a model child, practically. Of course, he wasn’t without his faults, who was? But in all, raising him had thus far been relatively routine. He was respectful, helpful, loving, caring---and Dean just wasn’t. Not any of those things, really, although Lily could tell that he longed to be. He didn’t trust them yet. That was okay; that would change. In the meantime, she could be patient. Lily was very very good at patient. That morning, she’d taken the day off because they were taking Dean back to the hospital to have the pins in his wrist removed. He’d been cranky, indicative of his fear; he didn’t want to be touched, and he’d be awake this time. They were going to give him local anesthesia. The night before he’d been plagued with nightmares but wouldn’t let her near him to offer comfort. He trembled the entire way to the hospital. Once they arrived, the anxiety and anger were radiating off of the boy in strong waves. In fact, the look on his face showed none of the progress he had made in the last three weeks; instead he looked...well...mean. Tony noticed, and offered a hand on Dean’s shoulder, which Dean instantly shrugged off. Lily and Tony exchanged glances. “Dean, it’s gonna be fine,” Tony told him quietly. “It’s just fine, buddy. We’re going to be home again with Roman before you know it.” The anxiety attack was setting in though; Dean began to gasp and shudder, and then he swore before turning to Tony. “Fuck. No. Fuck. I can’t do this. Please, I can’t do this.” Tony opted to ignore the child’s choice of words for now, and instead murmured calmly, “You’ve gotta do it, bud. Can’t walk around with pins in your arm forever. We’ve talked about the procedure; you know what to expect. Thirty minutes and it’ll all be over.” “No...no, please, I can’t,” Dean was babbling now, tears forming in his eyes, and as a nurse entered the room, he threw himself at Lily, flung his arms around her, and clung. “Please, please, don’t make me.” Lily sat stunned for a moment; Dean had never initiated any kind of physical contact before, and while she hated the circumstances, she was still a bit pleased. Slowly, she brought her hand up and rested it on the boy’s back. “Shhh...sweetie,” she murmured, knowing she needed to make him go back but wishing she could be the hero for him right then. Dean turned his head and looked up at her, eyes pleading. “Don’t make me,” he repeated, a most desperate look on his beautiful face and Lily sighed. “If we don’t do it today, we’re just putting off the inevitable,” Tony’s voice was still calm and soft, but Lily could detect a hint of annoyance now. In a last ditch effort, Dean squeezed Lily tighter. “Come with me,” he begged. “You’re a doctor, right? So you can come with me, right? Don’t make me do this alone.” Lily hugged him right back and debated. This was her opportunity to begin teaching this amazing child that she and Tony could be trusted, that they wanted nothing more than to give him what he needed, and she looked at her husband over Dean’s head and shrugged, then looked over at the nurse. “Any reason I can’t?” Lily asked. The nurse, Sammie, shook her head. “Just scrub in fast. They’re ready to start.” Lily gently rested her hands against Dean’s cheeks, so his eyes had to meet hers. “Dean. Listen. This is Sammie. I want you to go with her and do exactly what she tells you, okay? I’m going to go put on some scrubs and wash up and I will meet you in there before they start. Can you do that?” Dean took a deep breath. Then another. And then he nodded. “Okay...okay. You promise you’re coming?” “I promise, sweetness. I promise. Go on, Dean. I’ll be there.” The child hesitated and Lily could see that he was weighing his options, but then he nodded again. He said nothing more, but he released his grip on her, and she smiled at him before leaving to scrub in. When Lily arrived in the operating room, Dean was already strapped to the table, shaking violently. A white curtain was all that separated him from the operation about to begin on the other side. She sat down beside him and he jerked his head to the side, took one look at her---and began to cry. “You came,” he sobbed. “You came. You really came. I need you and you came.” It brought tears to her eyes, but she simply leaned in to softly stroke his cheek. “I came,” she reassured. “I’m here, Dean. I’m here, son. I’ve got you.” Lily held Dean’s good hand and stroked his cheek, and with every step of the procedure, she calmly talked him through it, until it was over and the nurses were gently bandaging his arm up. By that point, Dean was so relaxed that he was nearly asleep, so Lily kissed his forehead and told him to rest while they moved him to recovery and she took off her scrubs. She heard him though, as the nurse attending to him asked him if he was feeling okay. “I’m good,” the boy murmured drowsily. “I just needed my mom.”_

 **Roman**  
Roman glanced over at his mother, who was resting against the headrest, Dean leaning against her from the other side. Seth was still sound asleep across the aisle, draped over their dad. Only he and Tony were awake, it seemed. He caught his father’s eye.

“Gonna rest, son?”

“Nah...it’s not that long a flight,” Roman replied. In truth, it wasn’t; less than 4 hours actually. It took way longer to get to Hawaii than it would to Costa Rica.

He was beyond excited; he had surfed a little in Galveston but it wasn’t the same as Hawaii and he was told the waves off of Costa Rica were really big. Roman was down for any outdoor activity that required his total focus. Anything to keep his mind off of Megan. 

Who, all things considered, was actually doing really well. She still had chemo weekly, and it still wore her out, but it rarely made her vomit and thus far, her hair had thinned a little but she was far from bald. Her oncologist was optimistic, and every time she returned home from treatment, he’d meet her at her house and they’d lay together on her bed and talk; sometimes she’d nap on his shoulder. Those were the moments he cherished; when they could just be together and enjoy being in love and he didn’t have to think about what the outcome still might be.

The nights taunted him, though. 

Roman struggled to sleep normally; when he did manage to nod off, nightmares crept in and he’d often wake up shaking and sweating. Many nights, he’d wake to the sound of his mother’s voice trying to soothe him, and he knew he must’ve been crying out in his sleep. Then he would curl up against her and allow her to hold him tight, because even though it wasn’t going to fix anything, he still was thankful for her love and comfort. Eighteen be damned.

He struggled with how much he loved Megan. It was hard for him to fathom loving someone so much that the very thought of losing her brought tears to his eyes and impeded his sleep. He wondered, actually, if that was healthy, until he’d mentioned it to his father one night. Tony had taken him out to the back porch, gently guided him by the arm into a deck chair, and then they talked for hours. His father’s voice even wavered when he confessed to Roman that the very thought of losing Lily was enough to make him shut down, so he had no reason to feel guilty or odd over the concept of losing Megan. Roman felt slightly better after they had that talk. 

Roman had also made peace with becoming an uncle. Actually, he was pretty excited about it. Having a baby around would be fun, and it made him proud to see Dean in full on Daddy planning mode. He’d even taken a Daddy Boot Camp course that was offered by DCF and had not only passed, but the instructor said he was at the top of the class. Roman didn’t think he’d ever forget the look of unmitigated confidence on his brother’s face when he came home with that certificate, claiming that he could change diapers with the best of them. He was frightened but excited, feelings that Roman felt highly appropriate given the circumstances.

He looked across the plane at his family. Dean was beside him and their mother was in the aisle seat. Across from her sat Seth, still draped over Tony to his right. They were amazing. They were fantastic. And there was a time when he never would’ve entertained that he might someday need more than them but...then he’d met Megan. 

And shortly before he left, she’d given him the most amazing gift ever…

_...She must’ve been feeling spry because it was a Wednesday. Wednesday meant it had been 6 days since chemo and the next day would be a down day after her standing appointment at the hospital. Roman didn’t mind; as much as it disturbed him to see the girl he loved hurting, he did enjoy the quiet time they spent together just laying still and chatting.  
So when she called him first thing on Wednesday morning, proclaiming there was something she really, really wanted to do with him that day, he was slightly taken aback.  
Then he heard her idea.  
“Roman, you know, I might die,” she said calmly. It was kind of a joke to her at this point; I might die soon, so let’s do what I want. They’d crossed a few minor items off her bucket list by starting a conversation that way. It creeped him out hearing her talk like that but as long as she felt well enough to make the joke, he could handle it. He could even play along.  
“Well, you might,” he agreed. “So what goal would you like to accomplish today then?”  
“I’ve decided I do not wish to die a virgin,” Megan replied.  
Roman felt like his heart stopped for a split second. Had she just...yeah. She had.  
“I see...and you want my help with that?” Roman said, half teasing, half serious.  
“Can’t think of anyone better,” Megan answered cheerfully. “Just don’t tell my boyfriend; he might get jealous.”  
Roman laughed at this.   
“You’re secret’s safe with me, ma’am,” he said goofily, but then he sobered. “Megs...are you sure that’s what you really want?”  
“More than anything,” she replied. “I love you, Roman. I’m in love with you, and I think I’m ready to make love. But if you don’t think---”  
“No, no, no,” Roman quickly interrupted. “No, I definitely want to, you know I do. You know how important it is to me to wait until we’re both ready though.”  
“I know. And it’s one of the many, many reasons I love you but Roman...I can’t think of a better time than right now.”  
“Okay,” Roman’s voice softened and he smiled to himself. “Where? My mom is home, and Seth too. And anyway, after Dean I’m not so sure…” Roman trailed off.  
“Don’t worry,” Megan said. “My parents are at work and Katie’s in Dallas with friends for the day. I’ve got the house to myself until about 3 or so.”  
It was just about 9. Roman figured that’d be more than enough time.  
“Then I’m going to stop for protection and I’ll be over. Megan? I love you, baby.”  
“I love you too. I can’t wait to explore us together.”  
Her words left Roman tingling, and he made it to Walgreen’s and then out to Megan’s house in record time.  
She answered the door wearing nothing but a smile.  
The moment Roman saw her, he knew that this was right, not because there was a rush to get to this point but because they were both 18, both consenting adults, and most important, because they loved each other. He wasn’t going to question her anymore; she was just as capable of making this choice as he was. Instead, he was just going to enjoy it.   
And enjoy it he did---and she seemed to as well, if the noises she made were any indication.  
Roman had been sure to pick up a tube of KY jelly to go with the condoms he’d purchased, but even though Megan had put herself on display for him---and oh God, was she beautiful---he was in no hurry. Instead he slowly undressed and stood facing her, knowing he was aroused, not caring. Slowly he took her hands and drew her close to him and kissed her, deep but tender. Now Megan almost looked shy as he gently held her at arm’s length and studied her.  
He’d always known she was the most gorgeous creature he’d ever seen, but now...oh, now. There was no part of her that was not perfect, and he stood and admired her before kissing her again and leading her to the bed.   
It was everything that Roman had hoped for and even more. He had no real experience with a woman’s body, and not too much experience with his own, but he’d read enough websites to have a rough idea what his girl might like. So he offered soft touches with his hands and mouth to various parts of her body, and her soft moans and sighs guided him.   
When the time came, her resistance startled him a little; he was terrified he’d hurt her, but she just drew him closer.  
“Just hold my hand and go slow,” she whispered.   
Which is exactly what Roman did, and he murmured his love into her ear as he went.  
It was incredible.   
Afterwards, they’d laid together, wrapped in each other’s arms and a blanket, Megan’s head on Roman’s chest, when Megan let out a contented sigh.  
“I’m the luckiest girl in the world,” she murmured. “Because I’ve got the most wonderful guy.”_

**Seth**  
Seth was tired and he didn’t know what to do.

He’d never felt like he had a particularly strong handle on who he was or what was meant from him out of his life, which was part of why he was so invested in finding and learning from Adria. He’d THOUGHT that maybe he was getting closer upon learning some of the details of his heritage. Then the kiss happened.

The stupid, idiotic kiss. Who DID that to an almost total stranger? It was a good thing he was on a plane to Costa Rica right now, where he could (hopefully) take his mind off of it and focus on something else…

The thing he hadn’t told anyone about that night was how it actually felt. His family was happy to be disgusted for him, because of course, who would believe that Seth might actually want to be touched by anyone, not just another male? Despite everything, he couldn’t honestly say he had any experience with this, neither with girls nor guys...why couldn’t something in his life just be simple? Why couldn’t something just make sense?

_He was being kissed by a virtual stranger of the opposite sex. And it was terrifying but not embarrassing. Shouldn’t he have been at least a little humiliated? Instead his head was just throwing out the agonizing mix of “stop, stop, stop” and “keep going.” Which was another thing. After...after everything...wasn’t he supposed to be revolted by this?_

_But he wasn’t. Blake’s lips were soft and inviting and the taste was sweet and slightly salty. Seth had never been kissed like this before. Katie had tried on several occasions but her kisses were rough and pushy. It almost made him laugh, actually, to think about it. Here was Blake kissing him without his consent and Katie was the one who’d seemed pushy. Nothing about Blake’s kiss was rushed or harsh. Or invited, he reminded himself, and that’s when his brain took back over and he managed to push Blake away._

_“What the---we just MET…” Seth sputtered. It would be at least two hours later before he realized that what he didn’t say was, “I’m not into guys.”_

_“Oh...man...I’m sorry…” Blake murmured, backing away. “I thought...we were hitting it off. Dammit. I’m sorry.”_

_Seth didn’t want to hear anymore though, so he turned and fled out the door of the washroom and down the corridor. He turned down an empty hall and stood against the wall trembling and gasping for a moment. His brain was desperately trying to process what had just gone on._

_He had to calm down, he knew. He needed to just take a few deep breaths and go back to the box. His father would be wondering where he was. That meant facing Blake, but Seth just couldn’t figure a way around THAT; if he disappeared the rest of the evening he would really have some explaining to do and he had a feeling Tony would already be wondering what had taken so long._

_So he quickly bought a soda and sneaked back in right as the next act was beginning. Tony looked over at him quizzically but Seth just mouthed “sorry” and turned his attention to the actors and actresses on the stage. He actually managed to get engrossed in it once more, but when it was over and he felt his father lay a hand on his shoulder, it startled him so badly that he jumped about a foot. Dammit. He was going to have some explaining to do._

_They went to dinner afterwards, and sat in a quiet booth, and before Tony could ask, Seth spilled the whole thing out. His father was furious._

_“Oh, buddy---I’m so sorry. Imagine backing someone into the corner and…” Tony paused and got up and went around the table to wrap his arm around Seth._

_“It’s not your fault,” he said, voice suddenly soft, and Seth heaved a sigh and leaned against his father. Neither of them spoke for a moment. Then Tony spoke again, not angry this time, just gentle._

_“It’s not your fault,” he said again. “You didn’t ask that boy to kiss you. It isn’t your fault he misunderstood.”_

_And that’s when Seth realized something. First of all, he hadn’t told Blake he wasn’t interested in guys---it had never even crossed his mind. He was too busy enjoying what was going on while simultaneously fearing it._

_Second of all, his father never said it was okay to like it. So Seth simply left that part off. He desperately wanted to tell his dad but...he couldn’t risk it._

Seth jolted awake as the plane began to descend. It startled him just a little until he realized his dad was resting his arm on Seth’s. With a deep breath, he relaxed a little.  
“It’s okay, son,” Tony said. “You must’ve been dreaming, huh?”

“I...yeah…” Seth squirmed a little and the same thoughts he’d been trying to squish for the last several weeks began to sneak back in.

What had happened?

Why had he liked it?

Was he...was he gay? 

And if he was...how could he possibly tell his family?

 **Tony**  
The first thing Tony saw when he stepped out of the airport was ocean that was so blue, it almost put his wife’s eyes to shame. Almost, because nothing could beat the beauty that was Lily. But man...he couldn’t wait to get to that water.

And challenge his sons to a surf-off, because that was the deal. 

They liked to harass him because he was older, and he was intent to show those brats, much though he loved them, that he still had it.

And it was their third Famiversary (which was very much a thing now), and he was delighted that they were there together and doing it right. He noted with a pang that since Dean was going to be a father soon himself, this was probably the last time they’d be able to have an adventure just the five of them. Soon Finn, at the very least, would be joining them and probably Jessie too. 

It wasn’t a bad thing; Tony loved Jessie and he already loved Finn and couldn’t wait to cradle that precious baby in his arms. But he was still a little sad that his boy Dean had grown up so fast. Still...there was much change coming, but it was mostly to be excited about.

At times like this, though, Tony really really missed his own father. 

It occurred to him more than once to at least wonder if he and Lily had somehow failed Dean; becoming a father at 17 was not in the plans they had for him and it definitely wasn’t in the plans that he’d had for himself. Tony often wondered if, as his parents, they could’ve somehow done something differently. For the life of him, he couldn’t figure out what; Dean and Jessie were young and curious and they were going to try things and the most important thing to Tony had always been to just be there for his boys, because, if they were going to do it anyway, at least he wanted to know they were safe. 

He and Lily had the Talk with all three boys years ago, or rather an updated version of it, because he’d discussed it with Roman when he was 10, but Dean and Seth were already frighteningly in the know when it came to their past life experiences, so the Talk was no surprise to either of them. Instead of telling them the mechanics, they discussed the way they expected their boys to treat other people with respect. 

“That includes no means no,” Tony had said, and Lily had nodded. “You two know what it feels like to say no and be violated anyway, and I don’t expect to ever hear of any of you doing that to anyone else.”

All three had nodded seriously and there had never been an incident, but now Tony wondered if perhaps they should’ve spent more time on how to respect themselves as well.

Because here Dean was with a baby on the way and Seth had been more or less violated on his bucket list trip...okay, maybe violated was a bit strong but the thought of someone kissing his kid without Seth’s permission still made Tony feel like committing a felony. Of course, he also knew what Seth had been through.  
Tony sighed. He refused to let this ruin his trip, though. He loved that as soon as the car came to a stop, his three boys piled out of their rented SUV and made a beeline for the surf. 

“Dad! Look at those WAVES!” Dean shouted gleefully, and it was like all of the stress he’d been under had melted away. Seth had a dreamy look on his face, and Roman didn’t stop; he just walked straight out into the water, clothes and all, and then sat down in the surf. And the boy totally relaxed. Totally and completely just RELAXED. Tony grinned now. This had been a good choice. 

_It was mid-June, and the Escalade came to a stop at the beach house that the Girardi’s time-shared._

_The boy sitting on the backseat didn’t speak, he only stared, and his expression was difficult to read. He might’ve been a bit scared, but Tony knew that this was just yet another new experience that he was going to have to take in. He’d never ever seen the ocean before.  
Roman had turned 10 less than a month ago, and he’d been in the Girardi home for about 4 months. And his life was good. He was happy, it seemed. They rarely saw the anger anymore; he still got overwhelmed by new experiences sometimes, and today was the beginning of a biggie---this was Roman’s first vacation. The first of many, Tony hoped, because dammit, he loved this kid and he prayed every single day that he would get to raise Roman to adulthood. _

_They always took in foster children knowing full well that their stay with them might be brief. And that never stopped Lily or Tony from loving that child as much as they possibly could, nor did it stop them from grieving when it was time for the child to go. But knowing Roman’s history, it was unlikely that either of his parents would take him back, so the only reason he’d have to leave was if it didn’t work out and...it was definitely working out._

_Tony had only felt so bonded with a child one other time, and that was with the twins that they had been slated to adopt._

_Lily had given up all qualms too, which he knew had been difficult for her._

_So that day, as Roman stared uncertainly out at the water, Tony’s excitement only grew, because here he was with his beautiful, amazing wife and the first child he’d ever considered his true son._

_“I’m not sure I...can…” Roman whispered when his bathing suit was on and Tony offered to walk with him into the water._

_“It’s okay,” Tony gently cajoled. “You just hold on tight to me. I won’t let you go.”_

_They walked into the surf together hand in hand, but the waves were slightly rough and soon enough, Tony found the 10-year-old in his arms, long limbs wrapped around him, clinging tight._

_“I can’t do it,” Roman whispered._

_“It’s okay,” Tony repeated. “I won’t let you go.”_

_The water was to his waist by then, lapping at the boy’s rear end, and Roman held on, and so did Tony, because he was never going to let this kid go. And even if God blessed him down the line with more children, he was going to love them all the same, and he was going to protect each of them with a fierceness that he could only feel but not describe. Before he even really realized it, he and Roman were neck deep in the Gulf. Roman was still holding on for dear life, but Tony didn’t stop his gentle reassurance, and before long, the boy began to relax. And Tony never ever let go._

_Not even when a particularly rough wave knocked into them and took him off of his feet for a moment. He didn’t panic, just held his boy close and waited a moment until he could get his feet under him. It was once he was standing again that Tony realized that he hadn’t even loosened his grip on Roman._

_And Roman hadn’t let go of him._

**Dean**  
“Everything is going to be okay.”

That’s what they all kept telling Dean, and he didn’t buy it for one second.

How could anyone know that?

There were so many things that could go wrong, so many things that could harm his son, and not least of which were Jessie and Dean himself. And wasn’t that just the scariest part?

But God, he loved that baby in his girlfriend’s belly. He didn’t know how it was even possible to love a person who wasn’t even here yet. He did, though. He did and he felt an overwhelming desire to teach and protect his baby boy. 

Which left him in a quandary. 

Because he loved Jessie, too. He truly, honestly did. And he really did want to marry her, someday. Just not before the baby arrived. It was just the only thing he could think of, the only way he could guarantee that he could be with this baby from the very beginning of his life. 

When Dean had been tiny, no one had been there for him. No one had rocked him in their arms, or sang to him, or just snuggled him when he cried for comfort. And no matter what, he couldn’t let the same thing happen to Finn. He wanted his son to always know that he was going to be there when he was needed. And the only way he could think of to do that was to marry Finn’s mother, because then the law said they couldn’t be kept apart. 

But he just wasn’t sure he could. It felt like a hopeless case; he didn’t know what else to do. He knew that getting married for the wrong reasons right now was a huge mistake, but he had absolutely no idea what might be a better solution. Dean felt caught; if he called the marriage off, what if she broke up with him and then tried to keep him from his son? And he didn’t REALLY believe that Jessie would do that, but it was still a mean, cranky thought in the back of his mind.

Man, he needed this vacation. 

As he put on his bathing suit and waded into the water (his parents had promised surfing tomorrow), he willed himself to just let it go, just for right now. Who knew when he’d have a chance like this again, once Finn came? Dean glanced up and saw Seth, who’d jumped on Roman’s back and was cheering as Roman ran them both out into the surf and then dumped Seth off into the water, and he couldn’t help but laugh then. Those were his brothers. Maybe not by blood, but that didn’t matter, and he knew that there was no way he was making it through the coming months without them.

_They sat on the edge of the doc together, Dean in the middle, flanked by Roman and Seth. It was late, well past midnight, and the summer heat had just started to wane._

_“I can hear the bullfrogs,” Seth said softly, and for a few long moments, the boys sat together and listened. As much fun as it was to play sports and be active together, sometimes it was also still nice just to sit and enjoy the silence._

_“Think Mom’s awake still?” Roman asked, and sighed. Dean knew he still felt deep guilt over hitting her in the face, no matter how many times he and Lily reassured him that she was just fine and it had been an accident._

_“I think she’ll stay awake until she knows we’re back in,” Dean replied, because that was his mother’s place in the world, to make sure her beloved sons were safe._

_“Think she’ll ever stop being so protective?” Seth asked._

_“Don’t think I ever want her too,” Roman replied and Dean nodded his agreement._

_In a few days, they were leaving for Costa Rica to celebrate their Famiversary. Dean had a hard time fathoming that it had been three YEARS since they’d all been officially adopted. Well, not quite; they were about 6 weeks or so away from the actual date, but they were celebrating the Famiversary early this year due to Roman beginning college mid-August (and, Dean suspected, because neither of his parents wanted to keep him that far from Jessie that close to her due date, though no one actually said so)._

_“I’m excited,” Seth said suddenly. “I”m excited to surf again, but I’m also excited to just go somewhere else for awhile and not have to think.”_

_“Think about what?” Dean asked._

_“Anything,” came the soft reply, and Roman nodded._

_“I wanna just clear my mind too,” the oldest Girardi confessed. “The only thing I want to think about is surfing, eating, family...all of the good things.”_

_“I think this’ll be the last one,” Dean said quietly, and Seth looked up, startled._

_“The last...what? Famiversary?”_

_“Yeah...because of me. Because of the baby…” he hadn’t realized he’d been thinking about that but it just kind of spilled out._

_“Dude...our Famiversary is always going to happen,” Seth replied. “It’s about us, about the day that we became officially a family, and nothing is going to stop that. Mainly because we were already a family before it was made legal, but also because adding family members isn’t going to make us five less of a family.”_

_Roman raised an eyebrow at his youngest brother, but then he slowly nodded._

_“Seth’s right. So what if we don’t get a big fancy vacation next year? We’re still gonna celebrate because we love each other and it doesn’t matter if we each have 20 children. The five of us are still gonna be a family. Just...a family on crack…”_

_“Whoa...20?” Seth swallowed hard. “I can’t even think about having one…”_

_“That’s because you’re young, and you haven’t found the right girl to share it with,” Roman said gently, and if he noticed Seth stiffen slightly, he didn’t let on. “And anyway, 20 was a liberal prediction. I might not get to have any either, but that’s okay. We’ll spoil the hell out of Finn instead.”_

_Seth grinned._

_“Let’s do that anyway,” he said. This made Dean smile too._

_“He’s gonna be the luckiest kid,” Dean whispered._

_“Why? Because he’s got the two most incredible uncles on Earth?” Roman asked._

_“No...because he’s gonna get what Mama always wished WE could have,” Dean answered. “He’s gonna be born into all of this love and family and support without having to go through all of the shit we did.”_

_Roman and Seth nodded, and Dean fell silent and sighed, his brain giving him a reprieve for the first time in awhile. He felt Seth’s light arm across his lower back, Roman’s heavier one falling around his shoulders and together they sat in silence again._

_But silence has words, and right then, Dean knew that no matter what, he was right. Fuck his early upbringing and that of his brothers; that had happened and it was over. He wasn’t bringing his son into a mess like that. He was bringing his son into a world where he would be loved, cared for, and cherished from his very first second in the world, until his dying day. And that, Dean knew, was something he could be proud of. Because if he didn’t do anything else right in his son’s entire life, at least he was surrounding the boy by loving, wonderful people. And Dean knew, too, that with those people helping him raise this baby, there was absolutely no way he could fail._


	101. Famiversary Part 2 (Once Upon a Sloth)

Although Megan desperately hoped that Roman was having a good time in Costa Rica, she missed him. A lot.

A couple of days after he left, he emailed her some pictures, no doubt from Dean’s camera, of the family apparently on a hot air balloon ride. This was something   
Megan had always wanted to do. She’d have to see if Roman would go with her when he got back. Surely they had balloon rides in south Texas. 

There were so many things that she wanted to do; some of them she knew were probably not destined to happen unless she went into remission. For example, she didn’t see herself deep sea diving any time in the near future, and mountain climbing was probably, at least for the time being, off the table. But there were other adventures that were definitely possible. Things like...she wanted to get a dog. Her parents had never thought too highly of animals in the house, and she wasn’t too sure she could convince THEM, but she had a feeling that if she told Roman she wanted a puppy but couldn’t keep one at her house, he’d probably ask his parents, and they wouldn’t care. 

Megan wanted to do other things too. Like eat Cajun food in New Orleans, and go to the Grand Canyon---and once she was well, if she ever got well, she wanted to hike down it. She wanted to learn to crochet, and fly an airplane, and make homemade ice cream. She wanted to get a tattoo. She wanted...to live. Tears filled her eyes.

That was the thing...she could do all of these things, except the one she wanted the most. That one she had no real control over. She tried---how she tried---to keep positive, because in truth, everyone said she was doing well. And tired as she was of wearing out so quickly, she didn’t feel all that horrid. She napped most every day, and she did have the occasional bout of nausea, but otherwise, she couldn’t complain.

Sure, most of her friends treated her differently these days, if they still wanted to be around her at all. Even her own sister began treating her like glass. Not the Girardi’s, nor Jessie, and there were a few girlfriends that made it clear that they were putting Megan before her cancer. Jessie had said that she figured that sometimes people just didn’t know what to say, or if they were supposed to say anything at all, so sometimes, avoidance felt like the best choice. 

You find out who your real friends are, Megan guessed, when something like cancer happens.

When she was first diagnosed, the oncologist had talked to her and her parents about how it might affect her psychologically. He mentioned the stages of grief and that she might go through all or some of them. Anger hit her the hardest. She went home and began taking stuff down in her bedroom and throwing it away. She wouldn’t need it if she was dead.

She kept a file of wedding clips, of dresses, flowers, venues, menus, and such. She threw that in the trash.

But then she got it back out again and sat in the middle of the floor and cried.

Whatever dreams she was going to have to give up, she wasn’t willing to give up Roman. And in the weeks that would follow, he more than proved that he was going to be with her until the end, no matter when that happened. Megan found herself again wondering how she got so lucky.

And she was so very lucky. She loved that boy---man---more than anything else in the world. Because no matter what she was feeling, what she wanted or needed, he tolerated her. He tolerated all of it, and he loved her just the same, and he was strong and hard and sturdy. And Roman loved Megan. She knew it, he knew it, everyone knew it. Some things were just meant to be. So she fought. She didn’t give up. She tried to be strong, and when she couldn’t be, Roman was always there to just help her hang on.

Megan never parted with her wedding file again. Because of all the dreams she had, marrying Roman and having a family with him was the one she just refused to let go.

 

____________________________________

 

Meanwhile, Roman was having a blast in Costa Rica---during the day. 

There was no shortage of fun things to do, although surfing was still the best part. His brothers and his dad and he all rented equipment for the two week duration of the trip. They didn’t bother with wetsuits this time, but they did get some pretty ridiculous amazing boards. Each morning they got up early and surfed for a few hours, then went back to the condo, which was also fairly incredible. It had three bedrooms, a comfy pullout sofa, and the best part? The best part was the privacy pool out on the balcony. It was small, of course, but sitting in it and staring up at the stars once it grew dark out was a great way to try and unwind.

Then there was food. No self-respecting Girardi boy ever turned down food, even when they probably should, but once they landed in San Jose and then drove to Mal Pais, Roman very quickly figured something out. Costa Rica wasn’t necessarily known for their cuisine, but they DID, because of the rainforest, boast a selection of fruits and vegetables that put any other place Roman had ever been to shame, and the fresh seafood selection was very near a miracle.

The other activities were awesome too, of course.

They hiked in a real rainforest and saw animals that Roman couldn’t believe were living in the wild. There were strawberry poison dart frogs crawling on logs (the guide swore that as long as you didn’t pick one up, you were in no danger), and an abundance of tree frogs, which took Roman by surprise more than once when one fell or jumped out of a tree and landed right in front of him. Capuchin monkeys, clearly unconcerned by the humans, hung out up high in the branches. 

Seth, Roman knew, was hoping to see an ocelot, though since the cats were nocturnal, Roman wasn’t too sure that’d happen, but then the three boys were introduced to something better.

Each was permitted to hold a sloth.

There was a wildlife refuge on the edge of the rainforest, and when the family returned from their second hike, they were approached by one of the people who worked there, and of course, none of them were going to turn down this opportunity. When the lady who at the refuge proclaimed “this is Joshua” and placed the furry bundle into Roman’s arms, it made his heart feel kind of warm and fuzzy. The animal immediately wrapped its front legs around his neck and laid its head on his shoulder, and began to lightly scratch his back with its long claws.

Beside him, Dean was as still as a stone as he cuddled with a much smaller sloth than the one Roman was holding. Seth was baby talking the one he was holding, and he appeared to be about a decibel away from a squeal. 

“Stand together and let me take a picture,” Lily softly requested; of course, the boys complied.

They snuggled the three critters for at least half an hour and listened to the people that worked there explain that each of the sloths were there for different reasons.

“Joshua was abandoned at birth by his mother,” Ava said. “We had to hand feed him and teach him how to eat leaves and roots and sometimes, a special treat of fruit. But as you can see, he’s pretty big and hefty so he’s doing well. He would never make it in the wild. Now you,” she turned to Dean, “have Matilda, who was unfortunately hit by a car. Luckily the people driving stopped and picked her up and brought her in so we could help her. They just can’t move too quickly on land.”

Ava turned to Seth.

“Now you, I’m afraid, are holding a very sad story, though she has a happy ending. Annabelle was found bloody in the rainforest. We think someone clubbed her. And why anyone would do that is beyond me, because they’re the most peaceful animals…”

Roman noticed that Seth hugged Annabelle a little bit closer, and his eyes looked a little misty.

“Would you like to give them some oranges?” Ava asked. It was a dumb question.

Roman offered the fruit to Joshua, who immediately released his grip on Roman’s neck in favor of holding the orange in his paws. He began to nibble, but then he took his claws and started to---peel it. It was actually peeling the fruit. Incredible.

Once Joshua had stuffed the naked orange into his mouth, he resumed hugging Roman, though Roman did notice that he was also gazing longingly at Annabelle and Matilda and their treats.

He immediately knew that somehow, he was going to have to devise a way for Megan to experience this. Not necessarily in Costa Rica but somewhere. She would’ve loved it. Seth was near giddy, and even Dean, though attempting to act tough, was clearly melting.

Roman parasailed for the first time in his life, which was unbelievably freeing. And the boys had a blast flying down zip lines through the rainforest.

Yeah...the days were pretty good. There was always time for the beach, and Roman made sure to collect plenty of seashells. Two years earlier, Megan had been delighted with the necklace that Roman had made from shells from the beach in Maui. He wanted to kind of replicate it, or perhaps do something completely different but still with seashells that he picked up himself. Most of the shells he found were not as colorful as the Hawaiian ones, but there were dozens of sand dollars and conches and the kind that looked like maybe a hermit crab could live in it.

Night time, though...night time was tough.

Because he missed his girl and no matter how relaxed he was from the trip, he still worried. 

 

They’d Face-Timed twice and emailed daily, and she seemed enthralled to hear what all he was doing. But she still looked tired and gaunt, and just...not quite herself. That had to be normal, of course. He just went round and round in his head, which made sleep near impossible. So one night about a week into the trip, Roman headed out to the patio pool---and was surprised to find Dean already out there.

“Hey,” Roman offered, too tired and anxious to fake happy.

“Hey,” came the reply. Dean didn’t sound to peppy himself.

“You okay?” Roman asked.

“Yeah...just...can’t sleep. Thinking about...everything.”

Roman sat down in the chair next to Dean’s and sighed.

“I get it. I feel like I can barely hold my head up.”

Dean turned and looked at his brother.

“If I tell you something, do you promise on Papa’s grave that you won’t ever tell anyone else?”

Roman didn’t like this game at all; Dean knew, though, that he’d keep a lot of secrets depending on what they were. So he didn’t really reply, but Dean continued on   
anyway.

“So...before we left, I...told Jessie that we should get married.”

“You...married? Dean...listen, I don’t want it to sound like I’m second guessing you, but...is married really a smart thing?”

“No. No it’s not. Which is why I can’t do it, Rome. I can’t get married now. And for sure not for all the wrong reasons…”

 

_________________________________________

 

Dean gazed at his brother, who was looking at him quizzically. Kind of with a hard expression, too, like he wanted to admonish Dean but was thinking better of it.

“I love her, Roman,” he said quietly. “She’s having my baby.”

“Dean…” Roman’s gaze softened. “I know you love her. I know you’re having a child together. I know. But...don’t you think the baby is a big enough life-long committment for right now?”

“Yes,” said Dean dully. “Which is why I have to tell her I don’t want to do it. But Rome...what if she breaks up with me? What if she doesn’t let me see Finn? I only brought it up because I thought that was the best way to get to be with my son, but...oh God. What’ve I done?”

Roman sighed and let his arm come to rest around Dean’s shoulders, an act that Dean knew was meant to be comforting but instead, he found himself drawing his knees up to his chest and trying desperately to fight back tears that suddenly burned his eyes. He didn’t want to cry; he just...felt so hopeless all of a sudden. Did he really believe Jessie would do anything like that to hurt him?

No, he didn’t, he realized, but that knowledge didn’t help. 

“Listen,” Roman began softly. “I know I haven’t been the best when it comes to this. I know that at first I wasn’t supportive and I will always regret that. And I can’t know what the future holds---for either of us---but here’s what YOU need to know: I will always be here for you, Dean. No matter what happens next, I’m gonna help you get through it. You’re my brother, man. And I also think that everything is gonna be okay. Have you talked to Mom and Dad about any of this?”

Dean tearfully shook his head.

“I just...if I tell them Jessie and I are planning to get married...they’ll be so mad at me, Rome.”

“If you and Jessie just run off and get married then yeah, they probably will. But if you talk to them and explain how you’re feeling, I don’t think they’ll be mad. I think they’ll want to help. No matter what, Finn is yours and I don’t think that Jessie can take him away from you. You may have to be willing to fight for him, but I don’t think anyone wants you to not be part of his life. You just...you gotta decide what’s most important.”

Like it was just that easy, Dean thought. 

“So...basically, here’s what it is,” he told Roman, voice shaking a little. “I don’t want to miss out on the first 9 months of my son’s life. I don’t...Rome, I don’t EVER want there to be a time when I’m not there for him. If I leave the arrangement the way it is now, I’ll only get to see Finn a few hours a day during the week. That’s just not okay with me. I’m so thankful that Mom will have him during the day but I want to help the rest of the time when I’m not in school. The only way I could think of to make it so they had to let me stay with them is to marry Jessie. And I DO want to marry her, but...not now. I feel like a total asshole even worrying that she’ll break up with me over this but I just can’t help it. So what do I do? I feel like…like all of our choices have been taken away with this.”

Roman looked at him.

“Okay...so it DOES feel that way. I get it; I totally see what you mean. WHY do you feel like you don’t want to marry Jessie?”

“Because we already aren’t ready for any of this,” Dean didn’t hesitate. “We made the choice to have sex, sure. But everything after that has been outside of our control. And I want to marry her because we both WANT to be married, not because it’s the last option. Rome, I love her so much and I want to spend the rest of our lives together but I feel like...like we have a better chance of making it if we wait.”

“Do you think there’s any possibility that Jessie feels the same way?” Roman asked. The question gave Dean pause; he hadn’t really considered this.

“I...don’t know,” he whispered. “Maybe.”

“Then I think that you need to talk to her,” Roman said. “But before you do that, I really, really think you need to talk to Mom and Dad. Tell them you’re not okay   
with the arrangement. Tell them you know this is one solution, but you don’t feel it’s the right one. Ask them to help you figure out another option. There has to be something, Dean. There has to be another way. Maybe they could help you guys with an apartment, or SOMETHING. But you shouldn’t have to choose and there’s...yeah. Talk to them, Dean. There’s GOT to be something else.”

Dean sighed and nodded. It did feel good to talk to Roman about this. His brother could almost always help him calm down and consider everything.

“So---hang gliding in the morning?” Changing the subject sounded good then too. 

“Oh hell yes,” Roman replied. “I’m dying to do that. Even Mom wants to.”

Dean laughed.

“Mom’s shaking in her boots,” he replied. This made Roman laugh too.

“Yeah, she is,” he said. “It’s funny how nothing scares her until it’s something like this.”

“It’s because she’s a control freak,” Dean said knowingly. “She doesn’t like to do stuff that she can’t guarantee she can control. That’s why us surfing worries her. Just who she is. So...how about holding those sloths?”

“I didn’t even know that was a thing!” Roman exclaimed. “I kind of wouldn’t mind doing that again, though, before we leave. And I KNOW Seth would be down. He didn’t want to give his back.”

“I didn’t either; it was like it was hugging me back. And smiling. Think we could have one as a pet?”

“Dean, I highly doubt you’re allowed to keep a sloth as a pet in Texas,” Roman, ever the responsible party, shot Dean’s idea down pretty quick. 

“You’re no fun,” Dean teased back. “No fun at all.”


	102. Operation Hide Issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for bearing with me, friends. I swear I'm trying to crank them out faster. Two grad classes along with my full-time job are brutal. I promise the updates will keep coming, even if they're at a more spread out interval.

All the Italian food on the planet wasn’t going to make Jessie feel better, but she agreed to meet Megan at Olive Garden for lunch anyway.

All of the compliments Dean offered up weren’t going to make Jessie feel better, but she accepted them graciously as she could, because she knew he really meant it.

The only thing that was going to make Jessie feel better was getting her life back together, and that didn’t appear as though it was going to happen any time soon.   
Jessie had always figured on having kids. But some day, not right now. She knew she was in a relationship that she wanted to be in forever. Dean was a goldmine; he was kind and caring. He was fun. He was the furthest thing from boring ever. He was creative and artistic, could take even the most boring every day objects and make them look new and useful and beautiful. He treated her with a respect that in her whole life, she’d never really known. Every single time they spoke, whether they were in the same room or not, she could immediately hear the love and admiration in his voice.

Dean looked at her the way his father looked at his mother, and Jessie really wanted that. 

Her own parents...well, Jessie wasn’t exactly sure what they were all about. Nor did she know if they even cared if she ever learned. In fact, she honestly wasn’t sure why they’d ever gotten together in the first place. 

She always thought they loved her, and that they loved each other, but then she got close to the Girardi family and the realization hit her like a freight train---whatever had been going on in her family her first 17 years, it hadn’t been love.

Sure, they never really yelled or screamed or cursed. Until they’d completely lost control of Brett and begun locking him up, they’d never done anything remotely abusive. But Jessie couldn’t remember ever being hugged and kissed the way she watched Lily hug and kiss her sons every single day, for no reason at all. She didn’t remember her father ever once saying he loved her, but Tony told Dean all the time. 

Dean never even got into trouble, and it wasn’t because he never did anything wrong. He told her once that there had been times when he’d done something wrong on purpose just to see if he could get his mom and dad to get rid of him, because in the beginning he was certain they someday would. Instead, they talked to him, explained why he’d made the wrong choice, and asked him how he thought he could decide differently next time. Jessie knew they seldom raised their voices, and Dean had said that it didn’t make him want to misbehave more. On the contrary, it made him really truly trust his parents, and the last thing he ever wanted to do was disappoint them.

And that was the kind of parent she wanted to be to Finn. 

Except she had absolutely no idea how to do it.

And she really didn’t believe that she even could.

It plagued her, this knowledge. She couldn’t sleep at night anyway because at 33 weeks pregnant, there was no sleeping on her stomach. She was supposed to sleep on her side, but she woke multiple times a night flat on her back, and that was if she even managed to fall asleep at all.

So while Jessie was awake at night, she’d constantly worry. She just didn’t think she was mommy material. Not now. Not yet. Not with Brett rotting in an institution and a whole year of highschool left and parents who went to jail and left her in foster care with people who were really nice to her and took care of her, but who didn’t love her. Not like that.

The more she worried, the more she understood---she was not meant to have this baby.  
This was a problem, since Dee was planning on getting married when he got back for the sole purpose of making this parenting thing work. The thing was, Jessie was thrilled at the idea of marriage. She loved him, God she loved him, and she knew that with him, she could overcome her reservations about most things---except parenting. She did; she wanted to be a mom. Some day. Some day wasn’t supposed to be coming this quick.

She couldn’t tell Dean. He was so excited and he was doing absolutely everything he could to make sure he would be the most amazing father to Finn. And she was proud of him; she was honestly so proud of her boyfriend.

Fiance?

Whatever.

As Jessie drove to meet Megan at Olive Garden, those were the thoughts that plagued her. Along with the massive bra she’d had to buy; ever since she’d found out she was pregnant, it seemed as though her girls were trying to take over the world.  
What a mess you are, she thought to herself.

Megan was a breath of fresh air, as always. The second Jessie walked into the restaurant, she was practically tackled into a hug.

“Hey! How are you? You look amazing! How do you feel?”

This always seemed like a trick question to Jessie. The honest answer was she felt like crap. Everything hurt, nothing worked right. She hadn’t seen her feet in weeks and Finn liked to play kickball with her bladder. But it never seemed like it was quite appropriate to say all of that. Wasn’t she just supposed to be grateful for a healthy baby and a thus far easy pregnancy?

So she settled for,

“I’m okay. I’m really missing Dee. Thank you for asking about ME first instead of about this little thing.” Jessie smiled and pointed at her belly. No matter what Dean said, she knew she was massive, but again, it didn’t seem appropriate to complain.

“Yeah? You sure you’re feeling okay? And you’re welcome. You exist too, girlie,” Megan’s reply almost brought Jessie to tears, but she knew she couldn’t cry or she’d have to explain so she tried to smile instead.

“I mean I feel like I’m supposed to feel at almost 8 months along,” she kept her tone playful as they were shown to their seats. She had a feeling Megan wasn’t buying it, but to her credit, the older girl said nothing. She didn’t even raise her eyebrows when Jessie ordered a peach bellini iced tea; screw the caffeine rules for right now.

“And how is an 8-months-pregnant woman supposed to feel?”

“Like a cow,” Jessie laughed. “Okay, the truth? It’s miserable, Meg. I mean I had an appointment last week and he’s good. They think he weighs about 3 pounds. His heart sounded perfect. And my blood pressure’s good and they tested my pee and that was good and...so yeah. Everything’s good, I just...I’m tired all the time but I can’t sleep too well. His head’s up by my stomach and his feet are down by my bladder. So I basically have to pee all the time. I’m always starving but it’s hard to eat. And yeah...I’m pretty over it.”

Megan smiled sympathetically.

“Well, 7 more weeks isn’t so awful, though I know that’s not really all that helpful,” she said. “What did the doctor say about that stuff?”

“To eat lots of small meals each day and try to lay on my side, which---I can do it but I sure can’t seem to stay that way.”

“Pregnancy isn’t too glamorous, huh?” 

“I mean I’m not complaining because that’s just part of it but...since you asked. Anyway, how are YOU feeling? You look awesome, Meg,” Jessie said as she munched on a breadstick. Finn must’ve really liked those, because he went crazy kicking almost as soon as she began eating it.

“Well, cancer definitely isn’t too glamorous either...I don’t know. I’m trying to just be thankful for catching it early and that chemo seems to be working but...God...I’m still so scared.”

Jessie felt a pang; she really had no business feeling so mean about her pregnant body. At least she was healthy and so was her son. She didn’t quite know what to say to   
Megan right then; no words could really help. She reached across the table and took her friend’s hand.

“I know,” Jessie said softly. “I know you’re scared. You’re allowed to be scared, Meg. Scared is...it’s totally acceptable.” Megan gave her a small, thankful smile.  
“We’re both gonna be okay, Jess,” Megan replied. “That’s what I have to believe.”

Shortly after, they finished their lunch and as they were leaving the restaurant, Megan reached out and pulled Jessie into a hug.“I’m so glad we got together,” she said. 

“We should do it again before our guys get back. I needed some girl time. You’re doing a great job, Jessie. Finn’s healthy and strong and it’s all because you’re doing so good.”

Then she leaned over and gently rubbed Jessie’s belly.

“And you, little man. Be good to your mama, okay? Not too much longer before you get to come out to play.”

Finn responded with a massive kick, one that almost knocked Jessie off her feet, and Megan giggled.

Later that night, her phone buzzed. It was Dean, via FaceTime.

“Hey, Dee!” Jessie greeted him enthusiastically; God, how she missed him.

“Hellooooooo, gorgeous! How are you?” Dean looked very...tan. He was the palest of the three Girardi brothers, but his skin was now sun-kissed and beautiful. 

Everything about him was beautiful. Jessie sighed happily.

“I’m hanging in there but Dee, I miss you so much,” she said. Dean smiled back at her.

“I miss you too. Jess, I love you so much and I miss you too.”

“Are you having fun, though?” Jessie asked him and he nodded.

“Yeah, it’s pretty amazing. Someday you and Finn and me, we’ll come back. Someday I’ll teach him how to surf---I’ll teach you both. And we can come back and…”  
Dean rattled on but Jessie was suddenly having a hard time paying attention. She didn’t want to ruin his thoughts, but she knew deep down that everything he was talking   
about was a pipe dream. Their lives were about to become a spiral of diapers and poop, of being constantly broke, and struggling just to get by. There would be no tropical vacations or surfing lessons or anything like that for a very long time----if it ever happened at all.

“...Jess? You there?” Dean had noticed her silence.

“Yeah...sorry, I just...he’s kicking really good today,” this was not untrue; almost the moment Dean’s voice had come over the phone, Finn had started up again. 

“That’s my boy,” Dean said. “I found him a present today. I’ll show you when I get back. I’ve got some stuff for you too, baby. God damn, I miss you. I miss you and I miss feeling the little man moving around in there.”

“He’ll be here soon enough…” Jessie said quietly and Dean’s face sobered for a moment.

“Yeah...I know,” he said. “Listen...I love you. I love you, Jessie. I’ve gotta go but...I’ll call tomorrow okay?”

“Okay...I love you Dee,” Jessie whispered. She waited until she could no longer see his face to let her tears begin to fall.

It was just too hard. The whole thing. She was trying; she really was but Jessie would’ve given anything, right then, to be in Costa Rica with her boyfriend/fiance, rather than sitting alone in her bedroom almost 8 months pregnant and with a huge sigh, she rubbed her belly.  
“Wanna kick for me?” Jessie whispered, but for once, baby Finn was still.

He’d kick for Megan, and he’d kick for his daddy and he’d kick for almost anyone else, but not for her. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get a reaction. Why couldn’t she bond with her baby?

 

___________________________

 

Seth was happy. Just calm and relaxed and happy.

Every time he started to realize that he was noticing the hot guys on the beach every bit as much as the hot girls, all he had to do was hop on his surfboard and make another run.

And the waves in Costa Rica were glorious. 

Seth was nervous at first; he hadn’t had many opportunities to practice in the two years since he’d been in Hawaii, but it didn’t take long for him to surmise that surfing wasn’t the sort of thing one forgot how to do. And after a few rounds of practice, in which he wiped out a fair amount, he finally felt his confidence grow and he had no problems after that. Seth was sure he was doing at least as well as Roman. 

In between waves, he laid on the beach with his mom or chilled in the condo for awhile and tried not to think about everything else, and surprisingly, it worked.

Halfway through the trip, he found himself laying on his belly on his bed reading a book called Where Things Come Back, when Dean tapped on his door and then came in   
with his camera.

“Look at you,” he said, and the image that popped up on the LCD screen made Seth grin.

It was him, alright.

He was standing on his surfboard riding a wave, sort of crouched, arms out to the side, a look of incredible intensity on his face. It was awesome.

“Wow,” he said softly. “That’s...wow. You’re so good at this, Deano.” Dean smiled and blushed just a little.

“Well, I’m trying to hone my craft,” he said. “I’ve been thinking and maybe...like maybe I could get a few photography jobs after Finn gets here. Contribute, you know?   
‘Cuz I appreciate everything everyone’s gonna do to help us but I can’t...I can’t just let them handle it all. What would I be teaching my son?”

Seth gently rested his hand on Dean’s shoulder and looked right into his blue eyes.

“You’d be teaching him the value of family,” he said quietly. “You’d be teaching him that there’s no shame in accepting help when you need. But I totally respect you not wanting to let them do it all too.”

Dean grinned and blushed just a little deeper.

“I wanna do your senior pictures,” he said. “And I’m going to get lots of experience in baby portraits pretty soon. And...look.”  
Dean scrolled through the camera and stopped on a photo that was obviously Jessie. She was turned to the side and the sun was behind her, so all you could see was the silhouette of her and her pregnant belly. It was breathtaking. 

“I’m trying to put a portfolio together,” Dean explained.

“That’s a really good idea,” Seth replied. “Think you’ll make a career out of photography then?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know if you can make a respectable living and I’ve got a family to provide for now, but...I’d sure like to try. Maybe take some business courses when we start college, I guess. Wouldn’t hurt anyway. I just don’t...like...everything’s so up in the air, you know? Kind of have to...wait and see. That’s hard,” Dean murmured, and Seth completely agreed. 

“I can’t wait to meet him,” Seth confessed.

“You...you’ve been so supportive,” Dean began and stopped for a moment to collect his thoughts. “You---I know Mom and Dad are okay with it now and I know Roman and I are where we need to be again but you’re the one who’s been positive about this from the very beginning. I appreciate that. You’re a great brother, Seth. You’re gonna be a great uncle too.”

“Just as long as you let me help you teach him how to surf when he’s old enough,” Seth said and Dean laughed.

“Oh, believe that,” he said.

It bothered Seth a little when they went down to the shops in town and Roman and Dean both got to get presents for their girls, but he tried not to show it. He was a little jealous, sure, but it was what it was; no point in stressing about it. Instead, he bought several postcards for Adria. 

It was an odd thing. He and his mom had gone to Austin to visit right before they left. He’d told Adria he was going to Costa Rica prior to going, but when they arrived and he tried to talk to her about it, she had no recollection of what he’d said at all, or at least, she claimed she didn’t. 

He didn’t always believe that she didn’t remember stuff. Something in her eyes told him that somewhere, the memories were in there. But what good would it do him to push it? They were friends. And that, Seth had come to learn, was plenty. He HAD a mother; Lily gave him everything in the world that he needed. He didn’t feel any ill will towards Adria anymore, and that was somehow like a huge weight had been lifted off of him. She always seemed happy to see him. They’d talk, sometimes for hours, about everything except the fact that she’d given birth to him 17 years ago. He’d finished her journals by then. It’d been oddly comforting.

Things in general were feeling better. As long as he didn’t think about the potentially gay thing.

The problem was, Seth wasn’t sure if he was really attracted to boys or if it was just that now it consumed his thoughts so much that perhaps it was all in his head. He knew he had the ability to play horrible mind games with himself. And gay or not, he had no intention of ever doing ANYTHING with another guy. The thought of doing it with anyone made his skin crawl. So maybe he didn’t even need to worry about it, but how could he not? For the time being, as long as no one else found out, he was going to be satisfied with that. And he’d decided on a plan to help prevent that from happening.

He was going to start kissing girls.

As many girls as he could, in front of as many people as he could. In truth, that thought made Seth’s skin crawl a little bit too, but it was absolutely better than the alternative. 

In fact, he started before he even left Costa Rica.

The family had been on the beach for an hour or so and Seth had already ridden four perfect waves and he was ready for a rest. He was on the way back to the condo when he saw her.

She was pretty. Her hair was long and black and her skin was the color of warm caramel, and she was sitting on a bench outside with a cell phone in her hand. With a pounding heart and a dry throat, Seth approached her, his most convincing smile plastered on his face. 

“Hi,” he said shyly, and she smiled at him.

“Hola. Hello,” she said. 

“I...saw you sitting here alone and I thought...I thought maybe...I’d like to introduce myself,” he was stammering a little, but her smile didn’t falter. “I’m Seth.”

“Hmmm...Seth,” she murmured. “Seth was in the Bible, si? One of the sons of Adam and Eve? The only sane one, I think.”

“Well...I don’t know about THAT,” Seth replied with a laugh and the girl laughed too. She had a very thick accent. Her laugh was deeper than it seemed it should be for a girl. But at least she hadn’t gotten up and left.

“My name is Guadalupe,” she told him. “But you call me Lupe. Seth.”

The talked for over 30 minutes and Seth got her number and asked her if she wanted to go surfing the next day. Lupe happily agreed.

“I should go now, Seth,” she told him, but then she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. He couldn’t believe it; he didn’t even have to try and here was a girl giving him a kiss. Maybe this could really work.

It looked like Operation Hide Issues was in full swing.


	103. Ready or Not

Nothing ever made Tony happier than when his sons laughed, and he’d seen plenty of that in Costa Rica. He’d seen moments of bonding and moments of strength, and he wasn’t sure if they even knew how closely he’d been watching them, but he had. Because they were the reason for everything. Not just the vacation (which was brilliant, and Tony knew they’d come back some day), but everything---he and Lily had been happy just the two of them, but back then they didn’t know what they were missing and he sometimes wondered what it would have been like if they’d never met their boys.

Obviously Lily never got pregnant (they never really did anything to prevent that, though they stopped actively trying when Dean entered the mix), and if they hadn’t had their kids, he wasn’t sure they’d have ever stopped feeling empty. 

And now here they were, almost all grown up. Tony knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that although Roman was staying at home and going to school, eventually he was going to marry Megan and move out and Dean and Seth only had one year of high school left. Who knew where any of them would wind up? Luckily Dean and Jessie were having the baby.

Yeah, luckily. It seemed like an odd thing, to be the father of a 17 year old having a child and finding it lucky. Tony wasn’t at all sure it was right to feel that way, and maybe at first he was shocked and a little dismayed, but once the news sank in and he and Lily really talked about it, he realized that he was really, truly excited to be a grandfather. It would be an extension of what they already had. In a way, it was almost like starting over, just with less responsibility, because while neither of them had any intention of interfering with Dean and Jessie’s parenting, they both did intend to spoil Finn completely rotten. What was the phrase? What happens at Papa’s stays at Papa’s? 

In a way, he thought becoming a grandfather at 48, almost 49, was a great plan. He’d be young enough to really enjoy his grandchild. Tony and Dean were so close that he fully expected to be asked for advice and included on first fishing trips, first camping trips, first...everything. Maybe he’d even coach Finn’s soccer team one day…

And someday, they’d take Finn on his very own bucket list trip.

Tony realized he was grinning like a fool when he looked up and saw his wife eyeing him. Lily, he knew, was enjoying their Famiversary every bit as much as the boys were, and that made the whole thing that much more worth it.

She was as relaxed as Tony had ever seen her, reclining in a chair on the beach as their three boys shrieked with laughter and chased each other through the surf. It was about 4 pm and they were leaving in the morning to head back home to Texas, but they had definitely made the most of the final day.

Tony and the boys had surfed from dawn until about lunch time. They’d eaten lunch at the condo, finishing up the leftovers that they’d accrued throughout the week, and relaxed in the balcony pool for a bit before showering and getting dressed for dinner. They’d enjoyed all kinds of food in Costa Rica, but for their last meal, they were going out in style.

There would be an enormous buffet, complete with plenty of fresh seafood, something every member of the family appreciated. True, Dean and Tony may appreciate a thick juicy steak slightly more, but when there was shrimp involved all was forgiven. Lily, Tony, and Roman each ordered a fruity cocktail, and Dean and Seth ordered theirs alcohol free. In Costa Rica the legal age to drink was 18, but Roman hadn’t forgotten his first encounter with alcohol, so while their parents probably would’ve let him order several drinks, he opted to stick to the one before switching to tropical fruit sodas. They all sat together laughing, talking, and eating, when Roman spoke up.

“Listen...Mom, Dad, I just want to tell you guys...I want to tell you guys how thankful I am. That we got to do this and that we have each other and that---Dean, quit giving me that look.”

“I can’t help it,” Dean said with a laugh. “You’re being sappy.”

Seth elbowed Dean in the ribs while Lily raised her eyebrows.

“Oh, come now,” she said. “Roman, baby, you’re welcome.”

“Yeah, Mom, Dad, thank you,” Seth piped up, and he and Roman turned to Dean who sighed and nodded.

“I’m not gonna be sappy,” he said, “but I am thankful. I’m thankful for a family to take care of me no matter what, and I’m thankful that I can help take care of you guys too, and if I’m going to have a child, I’m extra thankful that he’s going to be born surrounded by love.”

“Not gonna be sappy, huh?” Roman asked, and this time, it was Tony’s turn to raise his eyebrows.

“You know, there was a time, a practically ancient time, when Mom and I thought we’d never have this,” Tony said quietly. “We weren’t sure we’d ever have children of our very own, that we’d get to keep forever and always. We weren’t sure we’d ever get to become grandparents. I didn’t know if I’d ever get to stand up for my son on his wedding day or give my daughter away.”

He had to pause then; was that a lump in his throat? Surely not; surely he’d just swallowed wrong. He took a deep breath and continued.

“But ever since we very first came home with Roman, the road forked. It’s been some journey. I, for one, am looking forward to seeing where the journey leads next, just with more wonderful family members to love and appreciate and support and lean on.”

Lily wasn’t even bothering to hide the tears in her own eyes.

“You three have enhanced our lives in very different ways,” she murmured. “Nobody has it easy all the time, but we wouldn’t trade any of it. I’m so very proud of this family.”

Tony raised his glass and grinned around the table at the four people he loved more than anyone else in the world. Roman caught on first and raised his glass as well, and soon all 5 were clinked together.

“To the Girardi family,” he said. “Here’s to many more Famiversaries.”

“To the Girardi family,” they all repeated in unison.

 

_______________________________

 

Megan woke up the morning of the day that Roman was to return home near giddy. She was so glad that he and his family had been able to have this time together, but she missed him terribly. And to be honest, she was patiently waiting for a time when she would be invited on the Famiversary too. 

She figured they’d probably have to be married or at the very least engaged in order for that to happen, but she knew that she would be soon enough and it’d be worth the wait. 

Roman had emailed her the night before. He said he’d had the most amazing time in Costa Rica, but he was happy to be coming home because he just couldn’t wait to see her. It had made Megan’s heart melt and her eyes tear up.

They were supposed to arrive back in Houston at about 4 pm, and Megan figured they’d all be exhausted, so she wasn’t really counting on seeing Roman until the next day, but that was fine. The very thought of hearing his voice from the same town made her so overwrought that she realized she needed a distraction or she might not make it. So she called Jessie.

“Hey! Our boys come back today!” Megan said happily when Jessie answered the call.

“Yeah...I know they do…” Jessie sounded odd. 

“You okay?” Megan asked her. She thought she heard Jessie sigh, but she wasn’t sure, and Jessie simply answered,

“I’m okay. I’m so tired.”

“Well...if you’re up for it, I was thinking maybe we could go out today. Get our toes done, have facials, just relax a little...what do you think?”

“Yeah...yeah, that sounds good. Just...let me shower and try to shave my legs. Otherwise no one is going near my feet.”

This made Megan laugh, though she still couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t quite right with her friend.

“Tell you what,” she said. “I’ll come and get you in say an hour and a half? That way you don’t have to drive and you can just do nothing but relax this entire day.”

“Yes…” Jessie murmured. “Relaxing sounds good. I know it’s been about two weeks since you last saw me, and you won’t believe how much I’ve ballooned up. Megan, it’s awful. Now I REALLY can’t see my feet, and I’m pretty sure my ankles are like melons. BUT. He’s been wiggling around a lot and at least I can breathe again now. And eat; my God, suddenly I’m starving again. It’s nuts.”

Megan giggled.

“Lunch afterwards then?”

“You read my mind.”

When Megan arrived right on time at the Thibault’s house, Jessie was waiting on the porch.

“What are you doing out here? It’s like a million degrees.”

“It’s hotter in the house,” Jessie said softly, and Megan caught the note of distress in her voice. She waited until they were both in the nice cool car before she reached over and took her friend’s hand.

“Okay...I can tell something isn’t quite right. Tell me what’s going on.”

Jessie bit her lip.

“They...Margo and Eddie...they had a big fight last night, and I’m pretty sure it was about me,” Jessie whispered.

“What do you mean? How was it about you?”

“I don’t...I don’t think either of them really wants me to keep the baby,” Jessie mumbled. “Like...when they first found out, they were so nice and supportive and they’ve given me everything I need, but they’ve always really talked up adoption. Even now, the closer we get, they still remind me that I can change my mind. I keep telling them, I know I’m young and I know this maybe isn’t ideal but this is DEAN’S baby. And I love Dean, and I want to be with him, and I’m not giving his baby away. I know I’m not ready for this, but honestly, is anyone ever really ready?

“So anyway, last night, Margo and I were looking through all of Finn’s stuff and Eddie came home and Margo mentioned to him that we still don’t have a bassinet yet, and he just kind of got all cold. He said he thought they agreed they weren’t spending any more money on this baby. Margo looked all horrified, and she told Eddie they’d talk in the bedroom, but I could hear them yelling and it lasted forever. I was so embarrassed, Meg. I heard him say that he wasn’t going to keep blowing his hard earned salary on a kid he isn’t even going to get to keep...I know this wasn’t what they bargained for when they agreed to take me in…”

Megan sighed and squeezed Jessie’s hand, then backed out of the driveway. She didn’t like the sound of this; Jessie was already upset and terrified (so was Dean, for that matter), and the last thing she needed 5 weeks from her due date was more stress. That couldn’t be good for the baby, could it? She took a deep breath and carefully considered what she needed to say. There were a couple of things that were really resonating with her.

“Look...the main thing I think you just have to remember right now is that this is temporary,” Megan began. “You aren’t going to be here forever. It’s just one more school year and I know that seems like an eternity. I know. The year it took for Roman to recover from the skull fracture was impossibly long, and I wasn’t even the one injured. I kind of get it. But it isn’t always going to be like this. Right now you need to do what you need to do to keep Finn happy, healthy, and safe. And I know that it sucks having to do that. I know it does, Jess. Soon enough, though, you and Dean will be done with school. And I’m not saying that’s going to suddenly make everything easier, because it won’t. But I do think that it’ll help in the sense that you’ll finally be free to not feel like you have to justify your choices. Plus...you never know. Maybe Eddie just had a bad day at work or something and then he came home and one more thing...straws and camels, right? But I understand what you mean; it’s got to be uncomfortable to hear them argue and get angry.”

“I just don’t want to be the reason for it,” Jessie replied. “Like...I’m already scared enough of messing my own shit up. I don’t want to be the reason something goes wrong for them too.”

“They aren’t going to divorce each other over it or anything, if that’s what you mean,” Megan said.

“I don’t know...they were pretty pissed.”

“Then just remember---temporary. The second you graduate, you’re free. And yeah, then you guys will have a whole new set of things to consider, but at least you’ll get to decide for yourselves.”

They got to the nail salon and set up for pedicures and as soon as her feet hit the water, Jessie sighed. 

“Feel good?” Megan asked with a grin; Jessie’s feet DID look pretty swollen. And she’d missed a few spots shaving, but no way was Megan going to bring THAT up.

Jessie nodded and groaned a little.

“Dee rubbing my feet is the only thing I can think of that would feel better,” she answered.

“Okay...so here’s the other thing that I heard you say that concerns me,” Megan began. “Is the only reason you’re parenting Finn because Dean wants to?”

“I...no. No, I just...I don’t think I would be parenting if Dean had bailed or whatever but...like...it’s really hard to explain.”

Megan turned to Jessie.

“Do you want this baby?”

“I want him. I just...I want him about 10 years from now,” Jessie’s voice was barely audible. I want to be a parent when I’m ready. But he’s coming and I have to make the best of it.”

 

_________________________________

 

Seth sat on the plane, restless. He couldn’t give up the deep rooted feeling that something was about to happen, but he had no idea what that might be and furthermore, he had no idea how he might find out. He tried to read. He tried to sleep. He tried to just lean back and listen to his songs. When none of that worked, he turned to his father and sighed.

“Fidgety, bub?” Tony asked him, and Seth nodded.

“I”m just...unsettled, I guess.”

“Well, flying has never been your most favorite thing,” Tony replied. “Can’t sleep though?”

“No...and Dean is. How screwed up is THAT?”

Tony laughed.

“Pretty screwed up,” he agreed. “Is everything okay, son?”

It was an opening. Seth could open up and let everything just pour out to his dad right then and there. He didn’t know what he expected to happen if he DID just say it, but then again, hey, I think I might be gay didn’t exactly seem like an appropriate conversation for an airplane---better wait til he was on solid ground again. Up there neither of them had anywhere to run.

Seth, for the life of him, could not peg why he just couldn’t discuss this with his mother and father. He’d never once heard either of them say a single thing negative about anyone’s sexuality, not even in jest. He had heard other kids at school refer to things as “gay” in a way that was less than complimentary, but it had never even occurred to him to do it and he suspected Roman and Dean felt the same. 

It definitely wasn’t family pressure. His father had a gay brother, Seth’s uncle Paul, who lived in Boston. Uncle Paul was about as flamboyant as a gay man could come, and his dad loved him all the same, even when he wasn’t around. It wasn’t exactly something that was discussed. In fact, until Seth had actually met his uncle, he hadn’t even known.

He’d been too young and scared to question it back then, but as he aged he wondered if it was never brought up because it was taboo, or if it was simply because it didn’t matter.

Seth sighed, and nodded.

“Yeah. I’m okay. Just like...too tired to sleep. I never used to believe that was real, but now I think it really is a thing, Dad.”

Tony smiled.

“I think it is too. But honestly, bub, you...if there’s anything you want to talk about, no matter what it is, Mom and I are here for you. Do you know that?”

He buried his face into his father’s shoulder then, so that he could try and force back the tears that were threatening to well up in his eyes. Then he looked at Tony and smiled.

“Of course I know,” he whispered. “Not like you’ve never told me before.”

Tony smiled ruefully back. And suddenly, Seth felt the need to say...something.

“I just want to make you and Mom proud,” he whispered. Shit, where had THAT come from?

“You always make us proud, Seth,” his father replied. 

“Always?” Seth could hear his voice shake a little as his father’s brown eyes pierced his own.

“Always,” Tony said and his voice was firm. “No matter what.”

You can do it, Seth said to himself. Be brave, for once in your life, just open your mouth and say it. ‘Dad, I think I like guys.’ It’s not like he’s gonna throw you off the plane.

But he just couldn’t do it. There was the opportunity, plain as day, and Seth couldn’t fucking take it. Instead he rested his head on his father’s shoulder and closed his eyes, and hated himself just a tiny bit more.

 

___________________________________

 

It was while Jessie was sitting in Buitoni eating her third bowl of gelato (blueberry this time, to follow down the strawberry and the salted caramel she’d already sampled) when she first felt the twinge.

Around her midsection, a tiny little tightening. Just a tiny bit, and she probably wouldn’t have noticed it, except immediately afterwards Finn gave a kick that had her practically blowing her bladder.

She excused herself and waddled to the restroom to pee for what was probably the fifth time since she and Megan had arrived at the restaurant. Being able to breathe again was nice, but the downside was that now the baby was using her urinary tract as a pillow. It wasn’t very fun.

Jessie really hadn’t had any odd cravings the whole time she’d been pregnant. She had a healthy urge to eat hard candy and sliced cucumbers (not at the same time), but neither of those things were that out there. There were no pickles and ice cream, weird things on pizza, or other wild desires. Never had she awoken in the middle of the night wishing she could send Dean out to get her something. Once she’d been grocery shopping with Margo and her eyes had fallen upon a watermelon, but Margo had given in long before Jessie even had to resort to begging, so that really didn’t seem all that exciting either.

However. Italian food. Oh. Yes.

It wasn’t even really like it was a CRAVING, exactly. It wasn’t like a gotta-have-it obsession. But if Jessie was given her choice, she would almost always choose pasta. The weird thing was, it had to be from a restaurant. The jarred sauce suddenly grossed her out.

So when Megan had mentioned Buitoni for lunch after they’d gone for their pedis and facials, who was Jessie to turn THAT down?

Fifteen minutes or so after the first one, she felt the twinge again, and again, she probably wouldn’t have even noticed, except that this time, it kind of hurt. 

Just a little. Like a tightened muscle, or a slightly-too-long stretch, or...a cramp.

Wait.

Nah, couldn’t be that. 

After they ate, Megan took her out to the mall, where they window shopped and then, at Land of Nod, Jessie found the most adorable thing ever.

It was a small stuffed bear, gray with red, blue, orange, and green spots, and it had a pacifier attached to its own mouth. The design with such that Finn could suck on the paci while snuggling with the bear, which was so unbelievably soft that it almost made Jessie feel good about the whole baby idea. The stuffie was called a WubbaNub, and she pretty much couldn’t wait to show Dean. Megan bought it for her.

"Tell him it's from Uncle Roman and me," she said with a smile.

She was growing more and more uncomfortable as they shopped, and the tightening around her belly kept happening. Damn salty food and not enough water---but she could feel Finn kick, so that was good. Jessie was just about to suggest to Megan that they go back home and watch a movie or something---it was nearing 2 pm and it would only be a couple of more hours before the guys were home---and then it happened.

Jessie dropped her purse, and when she tried to crouch down to pick it up, her pants were suddenly afloat.

She’d been wearing these soft, stretchy yoga-style things, because they were all that fit anymore, and suddenly they were flooding.

“GodDAMMIT! I just pissed myself,” Jessie said to Megan, stricken, embarrassed. How had this happened? She hadn’t even realized she needed to pee for once. Luckily her companion wrapped an arm around her shoulder and gave her a gentle squeeze. 

“It’s okay, Jess. It happens. You can’t tell. I promise it’s okay. C’mon, I’ll take you home.”

As they walked out to the car, the flood grew. Jessie was baffled; it STILL didn’t feel like she was peeing, but it kept on coming like a waterfall down her legs, and just as the got the car, pain gripped her.

Her belly tightened again but this time instead of being a little twinge, it felt like a giant hand wrapped around her and squeezed. She leaned against the car and swore.

“What’s wrong? What is it?” Megan asked, alarmed.

“Don’t know. Hurts,” was all Jessie could get out, but then just as quickly as it hit her, it stopped. Then she peed a little more and was so disgusted with herself that she burst into tears. 

“Jess? Jessie, listen,” Megan’s voice was quiet, gentle, soothing, and Jessie looked up at her, still hunched against the car but at least she could breathe now. “I don’t   
think you’re peeing. I think...maybe...your water broke.”

Jessie actually laughed.

“No it didn’t. That doesn’t happen until the baby comes and he’s not due for another month.”

Megan looked at her.

“Girlie, he may be due in a month but he comes when he’s ready to come.”

This was becoming annoying. 

“No, honest, he’s not coming yet. He can’t. Dean’s not here.”

“I know that, but I don’t think he does. Jess, it doesn’t smell like pee. It doesn’t smell like anything. I have no idea how you’d know this, but I really think that maybe you’re starting labor.”

“No...no, I can’t...no,” Jessie could feel herself beginning to panic; this wasn’t right, it was too soon, and she needed Dean. She couldn’t do it without Dean. She didn’t WANT to do it without Dean. Actually, she didn’t want to do it at all, but she couldn’t deny that it was happening when, a few moments later, pain gripped her again.

Baby Finn was coming.


	104. Special Delivery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer. I have given birth exactly zero times. So while I did attempt to research for accuracy, what I basically learned is that every delivery ever recorded has been different, and basically, there is no baseline here.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Megan was trying not to panic. Here they were, sitting in the parking lot of the Houston Galleria. Jessie was freaking out and in pain, and Megan knew she had to get her friend to a hospital. She just didn’t know which hospital.

“Jess, it’s okay. It’s okay, just tell me where to go and I’ll take you there. Everything will be just fine.”

“It’s not just fine,” Jessie sobbed. “I need Dee.”

“He’s almost here. Not much longer. We can have him meet you there.”

“But what if it’s too late?” Jessie’s sob morphed into a wail. “I can’t do this without him. I’m not gonna do it without him.”

Megan knew better than to try and reason with her hysterical friend right then, so she instead focused on what she COULD do.

“Jess. Breathe. I need to take you to the hospital. But I need you to tell me which hospital.”

“I don’t know...I don’t know which hospital,” Jessie moaned. “I don’t know.”

“Shhh...hey, hey,” Megan, not really understanding why Jessie was freaking out quite like this, got out of the car and went around to the younger girl’s side. She reached out and drew Jessie into a hug. Jessie cried and cried, hiccuped, sniffled, moaned in pain when another contraction hit, and finally just wrapped her own arms around Megan’s neck. Megan continued to whisper to her softly. She had no idea what else to do. 

“Don’t be afraid,” she crooned. “I’m here. I know you want Dean but he’s coming. He’ll get here. Everything is fine.”

“No, no, no, it’s too soon,” Jessie whimpered. “It’s too soon, he’s not supposed to come yet. I’m not ready; I don’t even have a bassinet and Eddie’s mad and Dean and I are supposed to get married first and I don’t WANT to have a baby today. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HAVE A BABY. I don’t know what to do.” And Jessie’s sobs returned.

Poor girl, Megan thought. I bet she hasn’t even had a childbirth class or anything yet…

Megan continued to hold Jessie with one arm while maneuvering for her friend’s phone with the other. She managed to get it out of Jessie’s purse and began scrolling through the contacts until she found the one she was looking for: Margo Thibault.

As she dialed, she could feel Jessie’s body stiffen with another contraction, so she tried to rub her back soothingly, but she had no idea if it helped. The truth was, Megan really didn’t know what to do, either. She was kicking herself mentally; of course it had never occurred to her that she might be in the situation, but she and Jessie were friends so it should have. Luckily, Margo knew where to go and after a moment’s conversation, Megan at least had a destination in mind.

“Listen,” she said calmly to Jessie. “It’s going to be okay. I’m going to drive you and Margo’s going to meet us. Dean’s landing in less than an hour. We’ll text him and he’ll get it as soon as he gets off the plane, and he’ll be there before we know it. I know this is scary; I know you don’t know what to do but there are going to be people there to help you. Jessie, I’ll be there to help you. You’ve just got to let us help you through the hard part, and then you’ll have Finn in your arms and it’ll all be over. I know this is terrifying, but you’ve gotta try to not panic.”

Jessie looked at Megan with wide, green, tearfilled eyes and whispered,

“You’ll help me?”

Encouraged by the way Jessie seemed to be settling, Megan nodded. 

“I’ll...Jess, I don’t know how to do this either, but I’ll do anything you need. Just name it and I’ll do it.”

Jessie didn’t speak for awhile after that, even as another contraction gripped her---were they about 5 minutes apart now?---and then she finally whispered,

“Thank you, Megan.”

“It’s okay,” Megan whispered back. “It’s okay. You’re welcome.”

Fifteen minutes later they arrived at the hospital and things started moving quick after that. 

When Megan told the people in registration that Jessie’s water broke, and that she was only 35 weeks along, suddenly nurses converged upon them, put Jessie in a wheelchair, and whisked her away, leaving Megan to try and explain that, no, she was not related to the patient, that the patient was in foster care, and that no, Megan was not going to be able to fill out any insurance paperwork. 

Thank God Margo showed up right away.

They wouldn’t let her see Jessie at first, not until Margo was finished and it made Megan angry, because she knew how upset Jessie really was. And while they were separated, she had time to think about everything that Jess had shared with her, and it really began to sink in---Jessie was truly not ready for this baby, and Megan was beginning to realize that it had nothing to do with his early arrival.

And what was this business about her and Dean getting married?

She wasn’t able to ask though, because when she and Margo were FINALLY led back to Jessie’s exam room, Jessie was clearly still panicked as a nurse calmly tried to explain things to her.

“You have to make it stop,” the fact that her friend was still sobbing broke Megan’s heart. “He’s not ready and I’m not ready and my boyfriend is on a plane and I just can’t do this!”

“He IS ready,” the nurse said gently. “He may need a little help at first and he’s going to be on the small side, but your water has broken and we can’t stop labor now. Can you hear this?”

The nurse placed a doppler on Jessie’s belly and suddenly a steady swooshing noise could be heard. Jessie immediately stilled.

“It’s his heart,” she whispered.

“That’s right. It’s his heart and his heart sounds great. I can feel him moving around. Jessie, I know you’re scared and that’s okay. Every mom is scared when they deliver, especially the first timers, and I know it doesn’t help that he’s early. But 35 weeks is still considered full term. Your son is ready. He’s going to be fine, but you’ve got a big part coming up and I need you calm and steady. The next part is the hard part. You’ve gotta calm down.” The nurse looked up and noticed Megan and Margo then. 

“Is this part of your support team?”

Tears still glittered in Jessie’s eyes, but she nodded. 

“My foster mom and my friend,” she murmured. 

“Okay. Let’s get you out of those wet clothes and into a gown. I’m going to check your dilation and we’re going to keep monitoring the baby---does he have a name?”

“Finn,” Jessie whispered. “His name is Finnian Amos Brett Girardi, and we’re going to call him Finn, and I’ve seen the 4-D ultrasound and he has his daddy’s nose.”

The nurse, whose name badge, Megan could now see read Tisha, smiled.  
"  
“Okay, then. Finn. I like it. This is much better, Jessie. Let’s get you checked out and then we’ll help you get more comfortable."

 

_______________________________________

 

Dean slept almost the entire flight home; in fact, the gentle bump of wheels on tarmac was what woke him up. He was settled between his mother and Roman, head on Mom’s shoulder but hand on brother’s arm, and as he opened his eyes, he could see across the aisle that Dad had his arm around Seth, who Dean surmised would never love flying either.

Once the family deplaned, they gathered their luggage and loaded the back of the Escalade. It was nearly 5 pm on a Thursday, so of course, the Houston rush hour traffic was horrible. While his parents sat in the front seat complaining about the standstill and debating the merits of stopping to get dinner on the way in, Roman and Seth sat on either side of Dean, all three boys in varying stages of exhaustion and post-travel euphoria.

Only then did Dean remember his phone was still turned off in his backpack.

He dug around to retrieve it and gave it a moment come back on, nodding his head in response to a question Seth asked, when the phone began to buzz in his hand. He looked down at it.

And his heart began to race.

“MOM! DAD! STOP THE CAR!” Dean shrieked, and everyone fell into momentary silence.

“Dean, the car IS stopped. What the heck are you screaming about?” Tony asked, annoyed.

“We’ve gotta get off the highway…” Dean could barely get the words out, and his hands began to shake.

“What is it, sweetie?” Lily, more forgiving than Tony, turned around in her seat. “Dean, you’re so pale. Are you okay? Do you feel sick?”

“No, no, but...I have texts...Mom, Jessie’s at the hospital. She’s having the baby! My baby is coming, Mommy, I have to get to the hospital!”

The mood in the Escalade immediately changed.

“He’s coming?” Roman asked incredulously at the exact same time that Seth exclaimed,

“Right NOW?”

“It’s still pretty early, isn’t it?” Tony spoke but then Lily touched his arm and murmured,

“Nah, it’s not TOO early. Finn must be in a hurry.”

“Okay, son, hang on,” Tony said. “I’m gonna get to the next exit and I’ll get you to the hospital.”

Roman and Seth continued to chatter; his parents continued to exchange banter themselves, but Dean found he couldn’t speak. Finn was coming. He was going to be a father. This was it. This was really it.

It felt like it took hours to get to the hospital; Dean tried to call Jessie but instead Megan answered.

“She’s in the middle of a contraction,” Megan explained. “She can’t really talk…”

“But is she okay?” Dean demanded.

“She’s scared,” Megan immediately replied. “She’s scared and she’s really ready for you to get here. The contractions hurt. But Finn is doing really good; the nurses all said he’s tolerating labor really well. But Dean, when you get here, tell Jessie it’s okay to get an epidural, seriously.”

“I just want to make it in time,” Dean’s whispered response drew a soft giggle from Megan.

“She’s dilated to about 5 centimeters, Dean. Unless something dramatic happened, you’ve got some time.”

Dean relayed this information to his mother, who soothed his nerves.

“It sounds like Finn’s handling things well, which is really the most important thing,” Lily said calmly. “There’s no way to tell how long a woman’s labor will last, sweetie, but 5 centimeters is only about half way there, so Megan’s probably right.” Then Lily reached back and offered her hand to Dean, who took it and squeezed gratefully.

“Gonna be a daddy soon,” she murmured. “Gonna be okay.”

Dean felt Roman and Seth wrap their arms around his shoulders.

They finally made it, but when Tony put the Escalade in park, nobody moved at first.

“Okay, who’s doing what?” Tony finally asked, and then everyone started talking at once.

“I need out,” said Dean.

“Let’s go in,” offered Roman.

“I don’t WANT to watch this,” muttered Seth. Dean and Roman both shot him dirty looks.

“Hang on, hang on,” Lily said. “Dean, sweetie, you need to get out. We’ll go home, get you a clean change of clothes, you just focus on Jessie, okay? Daddy and I will come back in a bit…”

Dean didn’t like this at all.

“Mommy...I need you to come with me...please?”

“Baby, Jessie’s the one having the baby. Does she even want me there?”

“I don’t know...but I do.”

Lily and Tony exchanged another glance.

“Okay...guess it can’t hurt to wait in the waiting room,” Lily’s face radiated understanding and Dean heaved a sigh of relief. He and Jessie hadn’t really talked about who would be present in the delivery room besides him (he was about to learn there were a lot of things he and Jessie hadn’t really talked about), but he was scared and he wanted his mother. 

She held his hand on the way into the building, and at the reception desk, Dean nervously blurted out,

“I need to know where to go. I’m having a baby! I mean...I mean I’M not, but my girlfriend and I...I mean…”

Lily rested her hand on his back.

“This is Dean Girardi,” she informed the lady at the desk. “We’re here for Jessie Covian. She was admitted to labor and delivery earlier.”

The lady gave Dean a comforting smile and told them where to go. When the arrived on the correct floor, though, Dean paused at the elevator doors.

“Mama, what if I can’t help her?”

“What do you mean, sweetie?”

“I mean...she has to do all of the hard work and I...I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“Oh, Dean...I’ve never done this before either, baby, but I think what you need to do is hold her hand. Do your best to help her stay calm. Understand that she’s in a lot of pain and be gentle. And above all, it’s okay to be scared. But you know her needs better than anyone in there, so you’ve got to advocate for her and for Finn. Okay?”

Dean slowly nodded.

“I’m here for you,” Lily hugged him close and he felt his fear ease slightly.

When he stepped into the door to Jessie’s birthing suite, she looked up---and dissolved into tears. Dean practically leaped to her side.

“Dee...Dee, I thought...I thought you wouldn’t make it…”

“It’s okay. It’s okay, I’m here,” Dean tried to be soothing even though he was terrified, terrified to see his girl in pain, terrified to meet his son, just terrified of life in general right then. “I’m here, baby.”

Jessie buried her face into his neck for a moment before her body tensed and a soft cry left her. This horrified Dean---was this what it was like?---and for a brief moment he considered letting go of her and just fleeing, because what good was he to her if he couldn’t help her make this manageable. Then he caught his mama’s eye.

She gave him a gentle, encouraging smile. 

A calm slowly came over him.

“Breathe with me,” he began gently instructing Jessie. “In and out. In and out. Just like that. I’m here now. I love you.”

The contraction ended and Jessie went limp against him. 

“How far apart are they?” Dean asked her softly. Jessie looked at Margo expectantly.

“That one was about 4 minutes since the last one,” Margo murmured.

Dean gazed into Jessie’s beautiful eyes.

“Do you want any meds, baby?”

Jessie shook her head.

“No. No, I...they said they’d have to put a needle in my spine. I don’t want to do that. I just...no, thank you.”

“Okay. Then, Megan, Mom, will you please let the nurses know? She’ll ask if she wants meds. Find out what we can do instead. Tell them we didn’t get to go to any kind of childbirth class yet. Jess, why don’t you lay down and try and relax?”

“Don’t wanna lay down,” Jessie was still lying against Dean, her head on his shoulder, allowing his arms around her. He clasped his hands over the small of her back and applied gentle pressure, the way the book he’d read suggested.

“Okay. You don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna do,” he murmured. 

“No needles,” she whispered.

“None if you don’t want them.”

“I’m thirsty…”

“What would you like? Water? Juice? Clear liquids are okay, I think.”

“Water. Please.”

Dean nodded to Margo, who left the room as well. 

“It’s okay,” Dean repeated. “You can do this. I’m going to help you. I promise, I’m going to help you.”

“Deeee…” Jessie left out a soft wail as her arms tightened around his neck once more. He could feel her belly tighten as she leaned into him and he struggled to remember what he’d read in the book. He mentally cursed himself for not insisting they take a class together BEFORE he’d left for Costa Rica; he’d suggested it, but Jessie had balked. He should have put his foot down. But even as he had that thought, he knew there was no way he would’ve tried to make her. It was Jessie’s body and he had no right to tell her she had to do anything. Still, maybe it would have helped…

Dean gently began to sway them back and forth, trying to counter the pressure he knew now that Jessie was feeling. She groaned again into his neck. 

“Ohh...oh, that helps. Don’t stop doing that…” she moaned.

“Anything you want, baby. You just tell me what you need.”

It went on like that for a few hours, contractions increasing both in frequency and intensity. They walked the halls. Lily requested a rocking chair and Jessie rocked her way through several contractions. Each check revealed that she was getting a little closer. And finally, her nurse, Tisha, offered up a smile as she pulled off her rubber gloves.

“Okay, Jessie. You’re at 10. Finn’s still happy in there. So on the next contraction, it’ll be time to push!”

 

________________________________________

 

Pain, hurt, hurt, hurt, pain, pain, hurt, pain, hurt.

That was all that ran through Jessie’s head as yet another contraction gripped her and held on tight. She was exhausted and she hadn’t even actually DONE anything yet.

It was horrible.

And yet...there was Dean, who seemed to channel everything that was happening, who told her nurses what she needed, who held her hand and helped her focus. There were people who would claim that their partners did nothing but annoy them while they were in labor. This was not the case here.

Dee was amazing.

So much so that when Jessie tried to push for the very first time, even though she felt week and inadequate, he couldn’t stop crowing about how amazing she was, and that made her feel stronger. Maybe even...almost...strong enough to do this.

In fact, while Jessie couldn’t exactly say she LIKED pushing, she did find it made her feel empowered. Like she was finally able to do SOMETHING to get herself out of this predicament.

After an hour or so, though, it began to lose its luster. She had tried in every position imaginable. She and Dean had walked some more, hoping gravity might encourage little Finn, who appeared to have decided he changed his mind and had no real interest in coming out tonight. Nothing she was doing was working and instead of that feeling of power, she was beginning to feel nothing but frustrated. 

“Take a break...rest…” Dean coached after what had to have been the 15th attempt to get their baby out. He hadn’t changed any of his tactics, but Jessie was beginning to understand now those women who found their partners unbearable. Did he have to be so perfect?

Thirty minutes after that, she knew she couldn’t do much more. No part of her body was obeying her anymore. Finn’s heart was still strong and he’d moved a little; it still seemed as though it might be awhile. Jessie was determined not to give up, was determined to get this right when she’d already done so much wrong, but...tired. She was so very tired.

Thirty minutes after that, she couldn’t stop herself from crying as she slouched against Dean and bore down with all her might, fueled now only by desperation, the desire to hold her child, make Dean proud, and everything else just gone. It was too much. Two hours? How much more was she expected to endure?

You can quit, she told herself. You can tell them you’re done. They’ll take you away from Dee and cut you open and pull out the baby like you’re nothing more than a receptacle, but you can quit. And then it’ll be over and you can sleep.

She didn’t want to quit. She wanted to deliver her baby. She already felt so disconnected from him; if she managed to just DO this, maybe then they’d finally be able to bond. A c-section would ruin the whole thing---

And then she heard Dean practically squeal,

“Jess! Jessie! I can see his head! I can see his head; you’re doing it; he’s almost here. AND HE HAS RED HAIR!”

Her tears immediately went from tears of frustration to tears of relief.

On the next contraction, Jessie waited until it felt right and then she pushed again. Megan was holding one of her legs, Margo the other. Dean was holding her up,   
arms around her, gripping her hands and looking over her shoulder. Jessie had begged Lily to stay, and she was hanging out to the side, not a distraction but ready to jump to anything Jessie needed. She was surrounded by support, by strength, and she tried to let all of that wash over her as she gave it everything she had and then---

“Jessie. Jessie, look. Look, his head is out!”

And Jessie looked down, and was met with the most ridiculous incredible sight.

Between her legs, face down, there was in fact a tiny head, and it barely registered that this tiny head had just emerged from inside her body (nor that the rest of him was still in there). A tiny hand scrunched up in a fist resting beside a tiny ear and she barely registered the doctor say,

“No wonder he took so long. He’s been trying to fight his way out.” 

The wonder gave way to a stretching inside her, and she realized she was just about to finish this incredible feat.

“One more push should do it,” someone, Jessie couldn’t tell who, and she clung to Dean’s hands as hard as she could and pushed and---

“You did it,” she felt more than she heard Dean’s soft, amazed whisper in her ear. “He’s here.”

Something damp hit her neck then and Jessie turned her head and in her haze she realized---Dean was crying. So was Megan, and Margo, and Lily, and then Jessie realized that everyone was crying---except her baby.

They had rested the newborn on her belly, and his arms and legs stuck out and his face was scrunched up in a silent scream and he was red as a lobster and wrinkly to boot. Jessie thought she had never seen anything so beautiful. But why wasn’t he crying?

“It’s okay,” she heard. “He’s a little stunned. He’ll cry. Give him a minute.”

She still had no idea who was talking. But then Dean reached around her and helped her cradle Finn in her arms and finally, finally a tiny little mewl escaped, like a newborn kitten, and Jessie was flooded with relief.

Dean was still crying and Jessie cried too, because even though she was exhausted beyond measure, even though her nether regions were waving the white flag, even though she knew she couldn’t be a mother---she had done it. She and Dean had created a life, and she had brought him into the world. As she gazed down at her son, her   
son, THEIR son---Jessie allowed the tears to flow.

They let them hold him for about 5 minutes before they whisked him off to check him out, amidst reassurances that it was just policy and that Finnian Amos Brett Girardi looked small but wonderful and appeared to be perfectly healthy, and promises that they would bring him back soon.

She had gotten a good look at him though. He did indeed have Dean’s nose, light red hair, and right before they’d taken him off, he’d opened his eyes and looked at her. Jessie had never seen a shade of turquoise more brilliant. She had a son. She and Dee had a healthy baby boy.


	105. Brand New Kid

Megan bounded into the waiting room, with, Roman noticed, an extra flush to her skin. When she saw him, her face lit up even more.

“He’s here! Finn is here!” Megan announced, and then she flung herself into Roman’s arms. 

Roman felt relief wash over him; if Megan was as happy as all this, the baby must at least be okay, if not wonderful.

“He’s so perfect,” she gushed. “He’s teensy weensy!”

“How teensy weensy?” Seth wanted to know.

“Teensy. I don’t know for sure; they haven’t weighed him yet. Jessie and Dean got to hold him but since he’s early they took him to get checked out. But he looked just perfect!”

Roman wrapped his arms tighter around Megan and sighed. He was happy for Dean, relieved for him too, and not even a little bit jealous, but he still couldn’t help but wonder if he would ever get to have this himself. He shook his head and scolded himself; now was not the time. 

“When do we get to met him?” Tony demanded. “I want to see my grandson.”

“I don’t know,” Megan confessed. “I mean, I’m not even sure WHERE they took him...the NICU maybe? He was crying though. Well, sort of. I mean, he WAS but it wasn’t like screaming his face off or anything like that, but no one seemed worried about it. The nurse even said that some babies don’t cry when they’re born.”

“So what are they checking him for, then?” Tony wanted to know. “I mean, if he’s breathing well? What else is there?”

“Well…” Megan was clearly beginning to second guess her excitement, something that Roman DEFINITELY didn’t want, so he offered his dad a smile.

“They know what they’re doing,” he reminded his father. “He IS kind of early. I know he’s not TOO early, but still, five weeks...I mean if babies were meant to be born at 35 weeks, wouldn’t they all be?”

Tony finally smiled.

“Of course you’re right, bud,” he said. “Everything’s probably just great. So, Megan. Teensy Weensy and what else can you tell us about him?”

Seth interrupted though.

“Was it gross?” 

Megan laughed.

“Was what gross? The delivery?”

Seth nodded.

“It was...wet,” Megan began slowly. “And it definitely made me realize that I don’t want to do it myself for a very long time yet. But...no. It wasn’t gross. You can’t really describe it but it was like...like one minute he wasn’t here and then suddenly he was. I know it’s cliche but it was a miracle.”

“Did Dean cry?” Seth asked. “Roman and I had a bet.”

“He cried buckets,” Megan giggled. “It was soooooooooo sweet. And he was so good to Jessie, and so soft with Finn. He’s gonna be an amazing dad. You’d have been proud of him, Tony.”

“I AM proud of him,” Tony murmured. “Pretty excited to see him and tell him.”  
Eddie Thibault spoke up then.

“And Jessie is okay?”

“Of course,” Megan said. “Tired. So tired, but she was just...AMAZING. So strong. She pushed for a really long time. At least it felt like a long time. I guess I don’t know what’s standard. But it was like two hours.”

At that, everyone else in the waiting room (all men of course) flinched. 

“That...does seem long,” Eddie mumbled, and Tony nodded. 

There was a brief silence before Seth began his line of questioning again.

“What does he look like? Finn, I mean.”

“Well...I didn’t get a great look at his face or anything. Dean and Jessie were holding him and I wasn’t about to intrude, but somebody said he has red hair and I could kind of see it. But it’s not red like Jessie’s. But then again, it’s not like strawberry blonde. But it’s not the dark auburn like Dean’s either. Light red/orange? I guess? And lots of it; I could definitely tell that.”

“And all of his fingers and toes were in the right place?” Tony asked. Megan nodded again.

“Looked like it. Fingers, toes...I heard Jessie whisper to Dean that he really does have Dean’s nose. Oh, Roman...I can’t believe he’s really actually here.”

Roman rested his head on Megan’s shoulder for a moment and let his grip tighten around her. Yep, he definitely wanted this someday.

Just then Lily darted into the room.

“Gigi!” Tony cried, clearly delighted; Roman knew he’d been waiting to call Lily by this name. Lily grinned.

“Hey! Dean wants his camera. I’ve gotta take it to him up in the NICU. I’ll have pics to share as soon as I get back!”

 

______________________________

 

The second the doctor laid Finn on Jessie’s chest, Dean began to understand. 

He understood the way his parents always forgave him, no matter how awful he acted sometimes.

He understood the way his mother constantly wanted to baby them; suddenly it made perfect sense to him that she wasn’t coddling. She just wanted to keep them safe.

He understood how his father went from a hard, tough, man of the law one second to a soft, tender, warm set of arms that embraced him when he really needed it in moments flat.

He understood what true love really was.

He loved Jessie. He absolutely loved Jessie, and he was so very happy that they’d found each other and were going to be together forever, but the moment Finn was out in the world, he understood that fatherhood was his destiny. And this was a different kind of love altogether.

The baby was tiny, so very tiny, and Dean felt the most overwhelming urge to protect him. So when the nurses gently took him and told Dean and Jessie that he was going to the NICU to get evaluated, it only made sense to Dean that he needed to go along.

To protect his son.

Jessie was terrified, and she begged him not to leave her, and he felt bad but his baby needed him too and he couldn’t be in two places at once. 

“I know…” he tried to comfort her. “I know you’re afraid; I know. I am too and that’s why I have to go with him. So that I can find out what’s going on and hopefully bring him back to you, so then you won’t have to worry anymore and we can be together again. I don’t want him to feel alone, Jess, don’t you see?”

Jessie just bit her lip and nodded and Dean softly kissed her.

“Everything’s gonna be okay,” he whispered into her ear, and then he and Lily left the room.

“Mom? Will you get my camera?” Dean asked her. His mother had been more than happy to.

Per Jessie’s request, Dean had not brought his camera to the delivery. He hated that, but on the other hand, he also had to respect her desire to not be photographed while she was in agony. The deal had been that as soon as the baby was born, his mother or Margo or someone would get it so that they’d have pictures of Finn as soon as possible. Dean had desperately wanted just one photo of the 3 of them immediately after the birth, but when Finn had decided to come early, a lot of things got thrown by the wayside.

He was hoping, though, to get some nice newborn photos now, but more than anything else, he was desperate to see that his little boy was okay.

When the neonatal nurse guided Dean into the small exam room, he couldn’t help but gasp; his baby was a terrifying sight now that he was on display under the harsh lights instead of the dimly lit delivery room. He was naked, flailing, and screaming bloody murder. The doctor looking him over took one look at Dean and began to object, but the nurse quietly explained,

“This is Dad.”

Dad. Dad, Dad, Dad. Damn, could that sound any better?

Immediately, the doctor softened and she motioned Dean over and gently began to explain what was happening.

“I’m Dr. Elliott,” she introduced yourself. “And you are?”

“I---Dean. I’m Dean. What are you doing to him?”

“Have you ever heard of an APGAR score?” Dr. Elliott asked.

“I...yes, it was in one of the books but...but I don’t...remember…”

“There are certain things we look for,” Dr. Elliott said, “that indicate to us how healthy a newborn is immediately after birth. While you and Jessie held him, the nurses were watching his respiration, his color, his cry---all of that stuff. Finn’s first APGAR score was a 5.”

“Is...is that bad?” Dean whispered, his heart both racing and sinking at the same time.

“It...is on the low side,” Dr. Elliott said slowly. “However. When a newborn comes early, we expect a lower APGAR too. Because at 35 weeks, his lungs are developed enough to get him by, but at 40 weeks, his lungs are developed just that much more. Or at 35 weeks, we know he’s going to be little, because by 40 weeks he’d have that much more time to gain weight. Weight isn’t an actual APGAR factor, but low birth weight CAN influence the other factors. When he’s first born, we’re looking for 5 things, and we give them a score of 0, 1, or 2. Finn scored a 1 on each of the 5 things at birth but---” Dr. Elliott looked at the clock.

“He’s almost 30 minutes old, and I can already tell you that on his next official test, at about the hour mark, he’s going to score 2’s in a couple of categories. That is a very very encouraging thing.”

“Then how come he scored low?” Dean knew his voice was nothing more than a whisper, and he could feel his hands tremble just a little, but at that moment his mother walked in with his camera bag and he felt a little relieved.

“Because...okay. So one of the things we score on, for example, how his limbs are moving around immediately after delivery. Finn’s arms and legs were stiff. That doesn’t have to be an indicator of anything terrible or anything at all. But we can’t know the second he’s born, so we say, okay, he’s a little stiff so that’s a 1 but that could be caused by any number of things. Finn was born with his arm up alongside his head, which instantly puts him in the category of a traumatic delivery. But think about it; if you’d spent that much time with your arm over your head and squeezed in a vice, you’d be a little stiff too. And look; he’s definitely wriggling around better and moving his arms and legs. His reflexes are normal. And you can hear that his respiration has improved; listen to that voice.”

“Takes after his daddy,” Lily murmured with a soft smile. Dean looked at her in adoration. 

“Can...can I touch him?” Dean murmured softly, happy that his boy looked really good but wanting more than anything to comfort him, to quiet his shrieks. Nobody needed to arrive into the world quite like this.

“Of course you can touch him,” Dr. Elliott replied. “He’s yours. Come stand over here. Oh! He weighs just under 5 pounds. I think 4 pounds, 14 ounces was the official weigh in. Seventeen inches long.”

So tiny, Dean thought as he rounded the side of the exam bassinet. He reached out his hand, extending a pinky to softly stroke the palm of Finn’s hand, and Finn   
immediately squeezed, an action that made Dean cry out from excitement. 

“See? That’s a great sign that his reflexes are in good working order,” said Dr. Elliott.

Dean softly stroked Finn’s temple with the index finger that wasn’t getting squeezed. He had no real idea how to console the newborn, but he thought about what his parents would say and do, and he settled for quietly murmuring,

“I’m here, Finn. I’m here.”

“He knows,” Dr. Elliott said with a smile. “Look. He knows your voice.”

“I...I talked to him. All the time. When he was still inside Jessie,” Dean admitted. “We read to him too. He’s---is he okay? Can I take him back to his mama soon?”

“I really want to monitor him for a couple of hours yet,” Dr. Elliott told Dean gently. His face must have fallen, because she quickly went on,

“But listen. You can hold him, and if Jessie is feeling up to it, she can come up here whenever she’s ready and you guys can stay with him the entire time. He’s doing so well and we want to make sure it stays that way. I’ll see if they can bring Jessie up but in the meantime, you should hold him. Skin to skin. It’s really good for babies.”

“Skin to skin…” Dean had read about this too, but he thought the whole purpose was to get the baby to nurse. “But...she wants to breastfeed and...and shouldn’t she do this first?”

“She’s getting stitched up, sweetie,” Dean heard his mother’s voice somewhere behind him. “They’ll bring her up once she’s cleaned up and ready but for now, I think Dr. Elliott is right…”

That’s when Dean realized that he had no confidence in his ability to actually hold this itty bitty thing that was still loudly complaining from the bassinet. By now he’d been diapered (the diaper was ridiculously tiny as well), and someone had put a tiny preemie cap on his head, but he was whining pitifully and it occurred to Dean that he was probably cold.

“Okay...okay. What do I do?”

“Have a seat in the glider over there and take off your shirt.”  
Dean did as he was told, barely noticing that Lily was getting his camera out of it’s bag. A nurse named Penny picked Finn up (and he practically disappeared in her arms), and they advanced on Dean.

“I’m going to lay him on your chest,” she said. “Just relax and lean back.”

And then Dean and his son were chest to chest.

And it was like magic.

Finn’s whimpering stopped instantly. As Penny covered them both with a blanket, Dean offered his finger again, and again, Finn took it. Without even thinking about it, Dean began softly rocking the glider as he gazed down at the perfect little baby relaxing on his pec. Finn opened his eyes and Dean could’ve sworn he was looking straight at him. Those eyes were a perfect blend of Jessie’s green and Dean’s blue.

This felt so good and right. Apparently Finn agreed because he nuzzled just a little closer. 

Dean couldn’t even believe that he was holding his son, finally, after long, agonizing months. He continued to rock and stare into Finn’s eyes, and for the first time since he found out that the baby was coming, he felt that sharp stone of worry that had resided in his chest begin to fade. For the first time, he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything would work out, so long as he had his boy in his arms. He knew he’d stop at nothing to protect Finn.

Finally, Dean understood.


	106. Reaiity

It felt like forever before Jessie was allowed to get up.

Being separated from her baby almost immediately after the delivery was just awful; she’d barely gotten a good look at him before he was lifted out of her arms and wrapped up in a blanket, nurses talking about APGAR scores and monitoring, even amidst their reassurances that he was doing just fine. If he was just fine, why hadn’t she been able to keep him with her? She hadn’t studied up much on the bonding process or anything, but it seemed to Jessie that it would be difficult to bond with her baby when they weren’t even in the same room.

Finn had ripped her up on his way out, and getting stitched was a nightmare---she needed Dean, but he went with the baby, which Jessie knew was the right choice, but that didn’t make it any easier. Lily had gone off with Dean, which she tried not to resent. She WAS Dean’s mother, after all. And wouldn’t Dean be just as worried as she was, and didn’t he deserve the support of a family member too? So Jessie just tried to put it out of her mind that some other mother might be holding her baby before she could.

She hadn’t realized she was still crying as the doctor worked between her legs, until she felt Margo’s lips on her forehead.

“It’s okay. You did so good, Jess.”

No, I didn’t, Jessie wanted to blurt out, because if I did, he’d have stayed in there longer like he was supposed to and no one would’ve taken him away from me. Instead she just sighed and closed her eyes. 

It felt like a storm was raging inside her head. But whining about it wasn’t going to fix anything. 

More than anything, she wished she could sit Dean down and talk to him about what she was feeling---all of her reservations. Her fears, her pain, and oh God, what were they gonna DO? She wanted to hold her baby, too, to tell him how sorry she was that she couldn’t keep him safe, that she couldn’t keep him inside her long enough to   
prevent him from being so fragile. 

That was it, wasn’t it? If she had just spent more time relaxing and less time walking around, running errands, and eating stupid Italian food…

Finally, finally, finally, her nurse, Tisha, back on shift, helped her into a wheelchair. She really wanted to walk, but even the four or five steps that she took made it feel like her stitches were going to rip right out.

When they got up to the NICU, the sight that met Jessie’s eyes both took her breath away and made her heart sink.  
Dean was sitting in a glider chair slowly rocking their son, who looked even smaller when engulfed in his father’s arms, just his head peaking out from under the blanket. 

They looked so calm, so comfortable, that she almost felt as though she was intruding.

“Hey...hey, can I have a turn?” Jessie asked uncertainly.

When Dean saw her, his face absolutely lit up.

“Jess! Baby! You’re here. I’ve been so worried, I just...are you okay? Do you feel okay? Jessie, you did so good, baby. Did I tell you how proud I am of you? Oh, Jess, look...look at Finn. He’s so perfect, and it’s all because you---Jess? Jessie? What’s wrong?”

Sobs wracked Jessie’s body again as she stared down at her hands. Lily jumped to her feet and ran to her side, kneeling down beside her in the wheelchair, and Margo knelt next to Lily. Together they wrapped their arms around her. Out of the corner of her eye, Jessie could see Dean struggling to figure out how to stand up with the mini-bundle in the crook of his arm. 

“Mom,” he murmured and Lily looked over at him, and seemed to understand. She approached Dean and ever so gently lifted Finn out of his arms. Dean immediately leaped up and was at her side in seconds. She felt Margo let her go as Dee pulled her tight, and then she really let the floodgates open.

He didn’t say anything, just held her close, rocking gingerly back and forth. Finally, through her tears, Jessie managed to choke out,

“I didn’t do so good. I was supposed to carry him another month. And now he’s too small, and---”

Dean immediately made a noise to hush her.

“Shhh...no. No way. He came because he was ready to come. You didn’t do anything wrong. Jessie, baby. Oh, baby. I’m so sorry. I guess none of this went the way you envisioned it either…”

He buried one of his hands into her hair and let her continue to cry, which she did, because he was right.

She hadn’t written it down or anything, what she hoped for in a delivery, but none of it had included any of what had happened, except for a healthy baby at the end, and even that she wasn’t sure she’d gotten. When Jessie had envisioned giving birth, she had seen herself in a calm, quiet environment with Dean there from start to finish. Soft music, a comfortable bed, without people hollering at her how and when to push. She wished she had looked into birthing centers or midwives or really done ANYTHING to prepare herself for the process. But she’d been in denial. Actually...she kind of still was.

Still, she was here now, aching vagina and all but otherwise pretty okay. She had her Dee. And her baby, her son, was small but strong, so maybe...maybe.

Dean motioned Lily over then, though he only unwrapped one arm from Jessie’s back. With the other, he laid Finn on her and sat there and held them both.

“Look,” he whispered into her ear. “Look what we’ve created.”

The baby was, in fact, gorgeous, and Jessie was certain she wasn’t just biased. He looked so much like Dean; the slope of his nose, the round cheeks, the thin, pouty lips, but he also appeared to have the shape of Jessie’s eyes and the color was unlike anything she had ever seen before. She knew they’d probably change as he grew, but for right then, it really did look like someone took Jessie’s green eyes and Dean’s blue ones and mixed them together to make a lovely shade of teal.

Finn was wide awake and just watching, and he never made a peep when the transfer was made from his father to his mother. He blinked a little and then stuck his tongue out. Jessie noticed with a pang that he had a big bruise on the side of his head and she pointed this out to Dean.

“That’s because he came out with his arm up by his head,” Dean explained. “He wasn’t supposed to do that but it would appear our boy is something of a rebel. Coming early, then trying to swim out...what’s it gonna be like when you’re a teenager, buddy?”

Jessie laughed and then immediately wished she hadn’t, as pain coursed through her, but it was okay, because she was finally holding her baby. She slowly, hesitantly slipped the hat off of his head.

Now that Finn’s hair was dry, Jessie could get a good look at it. It was a soft orangeish red, kind of the color of peaches, and so silky when she touched it. And he had a LOT of it too; it was straight and stuck out all over the place. Jessie tearfully looked up at Dean.

“He’s beautiful.”

Dean grinned at her. 

“I know. He’s beautiful, and we made him together.”

A nurse Jessie didn’t know approached them then.

“He hasn’t eaten yet,” she said. “Would you like to try and feed him?”

Jessie nodded; she wanted that more than anything. Dean lifted Finn into one arm, and helped Jessie to her feet and into the glider with the other. Once she was settled, he tenderly rested the baby on her breast. She didn’t have a damn clue what she was supposed to do, but she thought---she hoped---that together, she and Finn would figure it out.

 

________________________________

 

Dean watched, mesmerized, as the love of his life cradled his child against her chest. He could tell immediately that breastfeeding wasn’t going to work right away---Finn’s mouth looked awfully small. But the way he rooted against Jessie, Dean could also tell that they both had the right idea and that was a start.

He knew from reading one of his books that the smell of Jessie’s milk would trigger both Finn’s ability to feel hunger and his desire to eat, although he also knew that getting the hang of nursing could take forever. Dean was prepared for his. He hoped Jessie was.

He was worried about her.

Dean just loved her so much, and seeing her cry was never fun (nor was it something he saw all that often, to be honest) but the idea of her blaming herself for Finn’s early arrival was almost enough to make Dean break down into tears himself.

Now, though, as they sat there together, a newly minted family of three, she seemed to be feeling considerably better. She was gazing at their son, a soft smile on her lips. Finn hadn’t fussed or made any type of noise, really, other than the soft sounds of a brand new kid learning that he could smack his lips or grumble a little. They covered Jessie’s chest with the same blanket that Dean had used to snuggle up with the baby.

For a long time they rested together, just admiring their son, before Jessie began to fidget. 

“You okay?” Dean asked her softly.

“Just...just sore,” she mumbled. “Why isn’t he doing it?”

“I...don’t know,” he replied honestly. “He isn’t even really trying...maybe he’s just not ready yet…”

“Maybe…” Jessie’s eyes looked far away all of a sudden. “Here, you take him. I can’t...I can’t sit anymore.”

“Do you want me to find you some pillows?” Lily offered. “Or maybe there’s a cushion somewhere for---”

“No,” Jessie interrupted sharply, then looked sheepish. “I’m…I mean...it’s okay. I really need to just lie down for a little bit. Here.” 

She hastily passed the baby back to Dean and then tried to force herself up, but she couldn’t quite get the momentum going and she fell back to the glider with a whimper.

“Jess?” Dean asked, alarmed.

“I’m fine. I’m fine,” she repeated. “I’m fine, I just...I’ll be back, just...please…”

Dean wasn’t entirely sure what Jessie was asking him for then, but reassurance seemed as likely as anything else.

“It’s okay,” he told her quietly. “You’ve been through a helluva ordeal today too. I’ll stay with Finn. It’s okay. You need to get some rest.”

And Jessie’s gaze met his, and her eyes were pleading.

“Will you come with me? Please?” Her voice was no more than a whisper, and Dean was torn. He didn’t want to leave Finn but Jessie clearly needed him too…

“Mom? Will you please stay with Finn? Just for a bit? So I can help Jessie get settled?”

“Of course,” Lily replied. “I’ll see if Finn can leave the NICU later so he and Jessie can hang out where she can be more comfortable…”

Dean nodded. 

“Yeah...thanks…” Dean couldn’t figure out what was going on with Jessie. She was hugging herself and staring at her lap. She wasn’t crying, but she did have a slight   
tremor. He tried to put himself in her place.

She must be in a lot of pain; he’d watched the delivery closely and it HAD looked just terrible. Things were stretched in places that never should stretch that far, and she’d looked like she was expending a lot of energy, and he realized that she’d very likely not slept since the night before, which---well, it was well after midnight now, so over 24 hours. 

Dean realized that he was going to have to figure out a more efficient way of taking care of both of the loves of his life.

So he went with Jessie back to her room, where her nurse offered her an ice pack (and didn’t the thought of an ice pack THERE just make him shudder?) and some pain meds and she was finally able to sleep. But even after she dozed off, Dean held her tight for a long time. No matter what Jessie said or how she felt, Dean would never be able to do anything other than worship her. She had carried their son to term, she had brought him into the world, and without her, there would be no them.   
Once she was sound asleep (and with assurance that she would probably sleep very deeply for awhile), Dean got up and returned to the NICU. 

 

______________________________

 

Seth was worried and a little bit disappointed. Here his brand new nephew was nearly three hours old and he still hadn’t been allowed to meet him yet. He understood, of   
course. The baby had to stay in the NICU to be monitored just in case, and only certain people could go in there, and Dean and Jessie definitely needed to have top priority. But Seth was still kind of bummed.

He was ready to see what all of the fuss was really about.

But since their mother came down and told them that he and Roman wouldn’t be able to see the baby until morning, he accepted his oldest brother’s offer to drive him home so they could get some rest.

The drive gave him time to think.

Things were going to change; he knew that much. Seth didn’t much care for change. 

But still, being an uncle was going to be fun.

After a great deal of discussion, Seth had decided that he wanted to buy baby Finn his stroller. That would be his baby gift. So prior to the Costa Rica trip, he and Dean had gone to Babies R Us, where they had found a wonderful black stroller that was compatible with the carseat that Dean and Jessie had already been given. Dean had looked so happy and if Seth had happened to toss a couple of toys into the cart as too, well...why not?

Now that baby Finn was here, Seth knew, Dean was going to need a lot of extra support, and Seth was kind of excited about being able to offer that. He thought maybe it might make him feel a little better. He was thinking about that as he brushed his teeth, found some clean shorts (he made a mental note to do the laundry from the trip the next day to help his family out) and went to the kitchen for a glass of water. On his way back to his room, he passed Roman’s bedroom and noticed his brother was laying in bed texting on his phone, so he tapped on his door.

“Roman?”

“Hey, brother,” Roman looked so tired, and Seth could totally relate; after travelling all day and then the excitement of the baby’s arrival, Seth was exhausted too, but his mind was reeling and he didn’t hold out a lot of hope for getting much sleep.

“You’re still awake,” Seth said.

“So’re you,” Roman answered. “You okay?”

“I guess...are you?”

Roman patted his bed, a silent invitation for Seth to come join him, and Seth was more than happy stretch out beside his brother.

“What’s this ‘I guess’ business, Seth?”

“I mean...yeah...I’m fine.”

“Okay,” Roman looked Seth over. “But you know you can talk to me about anything right?”

Seth nodded; he knew he could. And most of the time he would. But there was one topic that he just didn’t want to discuss.

“Good,” Roman murmured. “You ready for this uncle business?”

“Yeah. I wish we could’ve seen him.”

“I know. I do too. But we will. In the meantime, have you checked your phone lately?”

Seth realized then that his phone was in his jeans pocket and probably dead.

“No...are there pictures?”

“Yup. Look.”

Seth did look, and his heart melted a little. 

His nephew was here. And he looked small, but he still looked...normal. Seth had been worried in spite of everyone’s claims that Finn would be just fine. When he thought about it, he envisioned tubes and wires and a baby hopelessly screaming from pain and fear but what he saw in the photos on Roman’s phone was...nothing like that. There was a very close photo of Finn in a tiny blue hat. A picture of him still gooey and stretched out (and yes, he was crying in that one but he also had clearly just popped out of the chute). Best of all, though, was the one of him and Dean. Baby Finn was cozy against Dean’s chest and Dean looked the calmest that Seth had seen him in months.   
Seth smiled.

“He really is gonna be a great father,” he said quietly and Roman nodded. 

“Yes. He is.”

“But Finn does look REALLY little. I bet he’s too small to fit any of his clothes.”

“Probably. But tomorrow, Megan and I are gonna go find him some preemie clothes. Wanna come?”  
This made Seth perk up.

“Yeah! Yes, I do. I’ve got some money left from the trip…”

“Nah. Don’t worry little bro. I talked to Dad. We’re getting the credit card!”

 

____________________________________

 

Jessie woke up disoriented and in a lot of pain and desperate for Dean. When she opened her eyes and saw just Margo asleep on the pull out bed in the room with her, she couldn’t help the groan that escaped her lips. She wanted him, not Margo. 

After a bit she couldn’t ignore the way she hurt or her intense need to pee, so she pressed the call button. The nurse that came in was not Tisha.

“What do you need?” Her tone was harsh and Jessie flinched.

“I just...um...could you help me to the bathroom?”

The nurse looked annoyed, but she helped Jessie up.  
Nothing and no one had prepared her for how incredibly agonizing it was going to be the first time she went to the bathroom after the delivery. So bad, in fact, that she couldn’t help the shriek that escaped her lips.

“Don’t scream, you’re fine,” Nurse Awful said sharply. “Here.”

She passed Jessie some toilet paper.

Which led to something else Jessie hadn’t been prepared for---all of the blood.

“What...what’s happening?” 

“You’re going to bleed like a period for awhile---didn’t you take any classes?”

“No, my...my baby came early…”

“I’d get a book then. Or get online or do SOMETHING so you know what’s happening with your body. You’re in for some changes, kiddo.”  
Jessie decided she really didn’t care for this nurse.

By the time she got back to her bed, Margo was awake.

“Morning, sweetheart,” she ran a hand through Jessie’s hair.

Morning?

“How long...wait...where’s Dean? And Finn...where?”

“Upstairs,” Margo said gently, taking Jessie’s hand. “In the NICU. They’re just fine. Do you want to go up there?”

Jessie really didn’t. But she agreed, because what else was she going to say?

They arrived upstairs and immediately, Jessie could hear crying and somehow, instinctively, she knew it was Finn before she even got through the door. When she saw Dean, here suspicion was confirmed.

Finn was in his daddy’s arms just wailing.

“What’s wrong with him?” Jessie demanded.

Dean looked at her with tired eyes.

“I don’t know,” he said. “We’ve been trying to feed him but he just doesn’t seem to know what to do with the nipple. How are you feeling? Do you want to try?”

It didn’t seem appropriate to tell him that she felt like shit. It also didn’t seem appropriate to tell him that the very thought of trying to feed Finn filled her with fear and dread, because it was just so stupid, but she couldn’t help it. Instead she just agreed.

She didn’t think she had much milk yet; her boobs really didn’t feel any different, but she took Finn into her arms anyway.

“Hey...hey. None of this,” she whispered. “You’re fine, little fella.” 

Jessie slowly offered Finn her breast, but he just screamed louder. 

“No, hey, now, little man,” she tried to keep her voice even, but she could feel her anxiety rising. “Just...just eat, Finn. I promise, you’ll feel better. Just eat…”  
But Finn wanted nothing to do with nursing and he kept his cries steady. Jessie sighed. She was his mother after all; surely she’d be able to comfort him. She tried to cuddle him, to talk to him, to rub his back, but the baby only cried louder. 

“We should try a bottle again,” Dean said wearily over the furious squeals. 

“No...no, I’m...I don’t want to bottle feed,” Jessie said. 

“I know. But he’s gotta eat, babe, and he’s too little and anyway, we’ve already tried a bottle and he did eat a small amount of formula. They said because he’s so little he’s got a tiny tummy and it can’t hold as much so he’s going to want to eat more often.”

“That makes sense,” Jessie whispered, “but I’m supposed to feed him.”

“Baby,” Dean began, and Jessie could tell by his voice that he wasn’t going to listen.

“No...Dee…let me keep trying.”

“You can keep trying til the cows come home,” Dean said. “He’s got to grow a little before he’s going to be able to nurse.

Jessie felt like she’d been slapped. Of course Dean was right---of course he was.

Determined to at least make her son stop crying, Jessie accepted the tiny bottle that Dean handed her and offered it to Finn. He quieted----and then he started crying louder.

“Oh, buddy,” Dean murmured with a sight. 

“Finn…” Jessie tried to soothe, but the babe was not interested in Jessie’s comfort. He arched his back and flailed his arms and Jessie nearly dropped him. She quickly passed him back to Dean. 

“Oh, buddy, buddy,” Dean murmured. “It’s okay. Hey. It’s okay...Jess? Are you...what is it?”

For Jessie sat there feeling stricken. Her baby didn’t want her. He didn’t want her milk, he didn’t want her to feed him, and he didn’t want her to soothe him. He didn’t want her.

She’d often thought over the course of her pregnancy that she was not at all ready for this baby, that this wasn’t what she wanted. It never occurred to her until she was right there with Dean and Finn that Finn might feel the same way.

Jessie began to feel like the walls were closing in around her. Her head spun, and it was hard to take a deep breath. She shook her head and looked Dean in the eyes. Tears sprung into her own, as she said the words she never wanted to say but could no longer deny.

“I don’t think I can do this.”


	107. Fight or Flight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew. That got long.

Dean sat there stunned, not at all sure how he was supposed to respond.

“I don’t think I can do this.”

What did that mean, exactly?

Dean knew, from reading and the research he’d done on the Internet, that Jessie would probably be overtaken by hormones for the first few months. He also knew that many babies had a hard time nursing. He’d prepared himself for that, and Finn was so small…

But nothing prepared him for hearing Jessie say she couldn’t do it. Her eyes clouded over the moment the words came out of her mouth and she looked as though she wanted to run away. It scared him a little, because what if she left? What if she left him? What if she left THEM? Then sure, he’d get his wish; he’d be allowed to be a part of Finn’s upbringing from the very beginning. He’d get his sleepless nights, his 3 am feedings, his first colds, everything that he so desperately wanted to be a part of. But never had he thought he wanted to have all of that alone.

And yes. It was going to be hard right now; Dean was scared too. They’d already been told by NICU nurses and Dr. Elliott that if Finn didn’t get nourishment, he could get very sick very quickly and since he was so tiny, they didn’t have a lot of time to wait and try different methods. A feeding tube seemed imminent.

So he paused, knowing damn well that whatever he said next was going to make or break this. He couldn’t say nothing. He couldn’t say anything that would single her out. His head swam, but ultimately, Dean decided that empathy was the best route to take, simply because it was the most honest.

“I don’t know if I can either,” he told her quietly. 

Jessie looked up at him then, her eyes full of...well, Dean wasn’t entirely sure, but he thought it looked like doubt.

“This is nothing like I thought it would be,” she finally spoke again, and Dean looked down at the squalling bundle in his arms. No. No, it certainly wasn’t anything like he had thought either. But…

“I know,” Dean murmured, his voice soft, every bit for Jessie’s benefit as Finn’s. “I figured we’d have a baby, go home the next day, and start this great new life, but...I guess I just keep trying to remind myself that it won’t always be this way.”

“But Dee, what if it IS?” Jessie whispered. “What if he’s always miserable and we can never ever make him happy no matter what we try? And then he gets in trouble at school, and then the next thing we know he’s at the top of a bell tower with a sniper rifle screaming about how if only his mother had fed him properly when he was a day old---”

Dean silenced her with a hug. He lay Finn in his bassinet---holding and snuggling him wasn’t working anyway---and instead, wrapped his arms tightly around Jessie.

“Listen,” he said, voice still soft but firm now. “He’s upset right now because he’s hungry. You heard the nurse; sometimes babies need practice at suckling. We will find a way to get him eating; we just have to be patient.”

“But Dr. Elliott said if he doesn’t eat he’ll get dehydrated and then they’ll have to put him on tubes and if I could just...if my nipples weren’t too big---”

“Hey. Watch it; I love those nipples. Don’t be insulting your nipples. They aren’t too big. Finn’s mouth is just a little too small. Jess, remember, we also tried a smaller nipple on a bottle and he wouldn’t eat from that either. But he’s going to grow. Maybe you don’t have to nurse just yet. I read a book that said your milk doesn’t come in right away anyway. Maybe we keep trying other things and let him get a handle on learning how to eat before we try nursing again. Or maybe he gets the hang of it soon. I don’t know, okay? But I do know this. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault, it’s not my fault, it’s not Finn’s fault, and it’s going to get better. Okay?”

Jessie buried his face into his neck then.

“Dee, I’m trying…”

“I know. So am I.”

Then he turned to pick up his still fussy infant and held him upright against his shoulder. 

“C’mon, Finny. Let’s try it again.”

At that very moment, Lily and Margo appeared in the doorway with a woman that Dean didn’t recognize.

“Guys, this is Brady Shea,” Margo said, reaching for Finn from Dean, who turned the baby over with a feeling of guilty relief. “Brady’s a midwife, but she’s also what’s called a lactation specialist.”

“Cici recommended her,” Lily took the explanation over. “She’s got some ideas for how we can try and get Finn to eat.

Brady Shea gazed at the baby. 

“May I?” 

Margo looked expectantly at Dean and Jessie, who both nodded. She passed Finn to Brady, who gently unwrapped him and held him up. 

Dean hadn’t gotten a great look at him like that, and he realized with a pang just how little his son really did look. His legs were scrawny, like chicken legs almost. Tiny thighs stuck out from a onesie that was very small, but way too big for Finn. In fact, the whole outfit kind of billowed around him. As soon as the blanket was taken away, the baby began to shiver slightly, and it was all Dean could do not to grab him back and cocoon him against his chest, to hold and rock and cuddle his baby. But Finn had been crying for hours now, and no one could pinpoint any problem other than that his discomfort stemmed from hunger, so while it made his hands shake, Dean said nothing.

He did, however, accept the arm his mother wrapped around him; she seemed to sense his tension.

“You’ve got a healthy set of lungs,” Brady purred to Finn, who kicked his legs in fury. “Okay, okay. I know.”

She gently re-wrapped him, then turned to Jessie.

“Has your milk dropped yet?”

“I don’t...I don’t know...how would I know?” Jessie whispered, and Dean braced himself for a degrading, “why-don’t-you-know-anything” response. It never came. Instead, Brady smiled at Jessie warmly.

“You’ll know,” Brady said. “They’ll gradually begin to feel really heavy and hot. All mammals, including humans, create milk for their offspring, but it can take awhile for that milk to be produced. At first, your body makes what’s called colostrum. It won’t be enough to satiate him but it’s not supposed to be. Let’s see if we can get him interested in it though.”

“But...but my nipples are too big...that’s what they said…” Jessie’s voice was filled with hope even as she protested.

“Maybe for actual nursing,” Brady said. “But I promise you, honey, if Finn---awesome name by the way---won’t latch, it’s not because of your nipples or anything else about you. We always think that eating is instinctive and in some ways it is, but most of the time, this is what I see. A baby is born and doesn’t immediately understand that what he’s feeling is hunger, and latching is the quickest way to stop that. It happens, especially with tiny ones. So he screams, because what else can he do? He can’t just say, ‘yo, Mom, Dad, pass the fries’. The screaming causes tension, especially for the new mom, because who wouldn’t be frustrated? It’s a vicious cycle.”

“Do you...did that happen to you?” Jessie’s voice was still hopeful and for the first time in several hours, Dean began to feel hopeful too.

“I’m still nursing my youngest, and he was a breeze,” Brady began. “But by the time I had him, I finally knew everything I needed to know. I had twins my first pregnancy. They arrived just a little bit earlier than Finn. My daughter went straight to the breast and nursed until she was 14 months old. My son ended up on a feeding tube for the first few days. I was devastated. I thought he didn’t love me or that I’d done something wrong and my husband, God love him, didn’t understand. He figured only having to nurse one twin would mean less work for me. He didn’t get to that to me, our son was rejecting me. But after a few days on the tube, we both got a chance to relax and I began feeling pretty successful at breastfeeding my daughter. When the time came to try it with Thatcher again, it worked. And he self-weaned at 8 months, but I didn’t mind. We’d done it. You ready to give it a try?”

Jessie nodded determinedly. Dean felt proud.

“Okay. So because he’s early and his mouth is smaller, the first thing we’re going to try and do is syringe feed him to see if we can’t get him used to the yummy taste.”

Brady reached into her bag and pulled out a small syringe, sans needle of course, unwrapped it, and handed it to Jessie.

“Let’s see if we can get any colostrum into this.” She showed Jessie how to squeeze her nipple and to Dean’s surprise, a yellowish liquid dribbled out and into the syringe.

“Is that NORMAL?” Dean questioned and Brady smiled.

“Yup. That’s exactly what colostrum is supposed to look like. Great job, Jessie. See what you can get out of the other.”

Jessie’s left breast contributed almost twice as much as the right one had, which Brady seemed to think was an excellent sign. 

“Okay, now the next thing is, since he seems to be not quite sure about suckling, you want to hold him as upright as you can so he doesn’t choke on it. So let’s lean him against your chest...just like that.”

Dean watched in awe as Jessie cradled Finn with his back to her chest, and Brady gently offered him the tip of the syringe. 

At first, Finn balked. He didn’t like the feel of the syringe in his mouth; that much was clear, but then Brady allowed a drop of the shiny liquid to seep onto his lips. He stuck out his tongue then, working his mouth, making a sort of grumbling noise that made Jessie giggle.

“Easy, lil fella,” she murmured. “There’s more.”

Brady allowed a few more drops to fall into Finn’s mouth before motioning Dean over and indicating that he should finish.

“Just go slow. Don’t give him too much at once. A few drops at a time...just like that. That’s perfect, you two.”

The second the colostrum was gone, Finn let out a mighty wail; he wasn’t done, apparently, and Brady laughed. 

“See? Good stuff, huh?” She cooed to the baby. “Here. Let’s just offer him the nipple now. Don’t put it in his mouth. Just position him so he can find it if he wants it.”

And low and behold, Finn continued to fuss, but he also started to root around and then...he grabbed onto the very tip of Jessie’s nipple. It wasn’t perfect but it was, Dean thought, a start.

 

_________________________

 

Her newborn trying to grasp her tender flesh made a sharp pain run through Jessie, but she didn’t move. Instead, she just watched her baby try to nurse. There wasn’t much in there, but what little he got seemed to satisfy Finn, at least for the time being.

She knew it wouldn’t last, though, and then what? What would she do when she didn’t have the advantage of a specialist to help her feed her own child? 

Nourishment was the most basic thing that Jessie was supposed to be able to provide for her baby, after all, and she didn’t have the tools to do it. You couldn’t feed anyone if you had no milk. As much as she didn’t want to formula feed Finn, she REALLY didn’t want him to wind up on a feeding tube either, and as Brady had said, first and foremost, feed the baby.

Not being able to breastfeed, she’d confided to Jessie, did not make you insufficient. The most important thing was that Finn ate. No matter how that happened, as long as it did happen, she wasn’t failing him. She was taking care of him.

Jessie didn’t buy it, though.

The next few days were nearly impossible. 

Her milk came in right around 36 hours after Finn’s delivery, and boy, had Brady been right when she had said that Jessie would know. Her boobs felt like they were on fire from heat and oh, the pain, never mind that they suddenly weighed about a thousand pounds each. She went from not being able to produce anything for Finn to being absolutely desperate for him to eat more.

Luckily, he was pretty much hungry around the clock. 

Jessie was released from the hospital two days after giving birth, but they were told by Dr. Elliott that she wanted Finn to stay until he gained half a pound. As often as he wanted to eat, she would’ve thought that couldn’t take more than half a day, but while he wasn’t losing weight, he wasn’t gaining it too rapidly either. She nursed as much as she could, but sometimes she had to sleep. So they did end up supplementing a little bit of formula, but she also was introduced to a medieval torture device known as the breast pump. 

It hooked up to her nipple and did exactly what it said: it pumped. Jessie developed a new respect for cows.

She and Dean took turns leaving the hospital to rest and shower, with Margo and Lily and Tony and Dean’s brothers stopping by throughout the day to help. Jessie knew Dean was completely overwhelmed and exhausted, and this was illustrated by her arriving back at the hospital one evening to the sight of her beloved sound asleep on his father’s shoulder, their baby snuggled up against Tony’s neck. 

This should have made Jessie happy but instead, it made her feel threatened. Why didn’t Finn ever just settle into her arms and sleep like that? 

Over the course of the first 4 days of Finn’s life, Jessie watched him with Dean’s family and every time, she knew she should have been filled with tranquility but instead, it made her feel paranoid. Especially the way the little one instantly calmed when Lily picked him up. It was like Finn just didn’t care about how hard she was trying. That wasn’t a fair assessment and Jessie knew that, but she couldn’t really help it. 

Every day Roman and Seth and usually Megan showed up, and every day, they brought something new for Finn: a blanket and a hat with a guitar on it; a stuffed tiger; a hilarious navy blue onesie with a green and blue owl that said, “Whooooooo’s your daddy?”

“We got that one in every size,” Seth explained. “We liked it best.” 

Jessie knew she should be thankful but instead she found her mind wandering to her own brother in his “home for autistic children”. He was every bit an uncle as Roman and Seth, but he’d never truly be able to understand the weight of this. In fact, he wouldn’t be able to even meet Finn for at least another month. Brett couldn’t be brought to Margo and Eddie’s house, and Finn wouldn’t be allowed around concentrated groups of people until he was bigger and stronger. 

All week, ounce by ounce, Finn gained a little at a time, until on his fourth day, Dr. Elliott proclaimed that he would be observed one more night, and then he could go   
home the next morning. This was when Jessie finally felt the relief she’d been craving. Because she finally understood the best thing for her to do.

 

_________________________________

 

Tony woke up with a jolt the morning that Finn was to be sent home; it took him a moment to understand why he was excited and then he remembered. 

He had slipped into his role of Papa, he thought, rather naturally; as he lay next to Lily in bed, he let his mind wander to the very first time he’d seen his new grandson in person.

That moment.

They would be close, Tony knew. Maybe not as close as Tony and Dean were (because was it even possible to have that kind of close relationship with anyone else besides Roman and Seth?), but they would be as close as any grandfather and grandson out there. There were so many things that Finn would need to learn, and Tony absolutely could not wait to be a part of teaching him.

At that moment, Lily rolled over and smiled at him.

“Mornin’, Gigi,” he grinned back at her. 

“Mornin’, Papa,” she replied, and leaned in to kiss him. Then both of their phones buzzed.

Lily got to hers first, and as she read the text, her face paled. 

“What is it?” Tony yawned, not concerned until Lily grabbed his wrist.

“Look…”

It was Dean.

_Mama? Dad? Come to the hospital. Please, I need you._

The plan had been that they’d get up at their leisure, because while Finn was being released, Dr. Elliott said it would probably be early afternoon. Tony’s mind immediately went into survival mode. Had something happened to the baby?

They threw on their clothes as quickly as they could, roused Roman and Seth, and took off in the Escalade, Lily texting Dean as they went, but he didn’t respond. Tony’s panic mounted.

The elevator didn’t move near quickly enough, but when he and Lily and the boys flew into Baby Finn’s room, Tony wasn’t sure what he’d expected, but what he saw both broke his heart and confused him.

Dean was sitting in the glider cradling Finn in his left arm. His right hand was covering his face, and his body was racked with sobs.

It didn’t make sense at first; Finn was asleep but clearly just fine. He was snuggled up against Dean, his little mouth making soft sucking motions, and Tony wondered if he was dreaming about food.

Lily approached Dean slowly.

“Sweetie?” 

Dean just shook his head, but he didn’t look up.

“Baby, we’re here,” Lily continued to murmur. She gently pried Finn out of his arms. The baby’s eyes flew open and he squealed softly, then seemed to realize that staying awake was optional. Lily passed him to Tony, who passed him to Roman. Together they embraced their son, and that’s when Dean really broke down.

“She’s gone,” he choked out.

“What? Shhh...calm down. Calm down and talk to us, Dean,” Lily’s voice remained soft and even. She slowly rubbed the back of Dean’s neck, and Tony held tight to them both. But even though Lily had asked for clarification, Tony somehow suddenly knew what Dean meant.

“Oh, son,” he whispered.

“She l-left us…” Dean managed to moan before burying his face into his mother.

They held him like that for a long time. Roman paced the floor with Finn in his arms, and Seth stood near the door, stunned. No one seemed to know quite what to say. For a bit, the only sound was Dean’s muffled crying, but then baby Finn let out a wail. 

“Mom?” Roman sounded alarmed. “Mom, he’s trying to suck on my---Mom, help!”

Lily looked at Tony.

“Do you want this one or that one?” She asked him quietly.

Tony looked down at Dean’s tearstained face, and he sighed softly. It was time to set a fatherly example.

“I’ve got Dean,” he said. “He and I are going to talk. Why don’t you guys take Finn for a little walk?”

“Okay,” Lily leaned over and kissed Dean on the cheek. 

“I love you,” she murmured before gently disengaging him from around her neck and steering him into his father’s arms. She stood and rescued Roman from the baby, who was indeed trying to root around for a bite to eat. It would’ve been funny if Dean hadn’t been so upset. 

Tony turned him around and let Dean bury his face into his father’s neck. His tears were slowing, but he was still clearly shattered and Tony gently coaxed him to speak.

“Tell me what happened,” he said.

Dean took a deep breath, then another, and began to speak, voice shaking.

“She...Jessie...she went home last night. She was supposed to get a good night’s sleep and...and then come back this morning but...when I woke up...I had a t-text and...it s-said...that she loves me b-but...b-b-but…” Tony could feel Dean begin to shake again, and he pulled his son closer.

“Oh, son...Dean...oh, buddy. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Dad, what am I gonna do? I can’t raise him without her. I can’t do it by myself. I don’t know the first thing about raising a baby but Dad...Daddy...I can’t give him up. Not now. I love him. I love my son. I just want...I just...what do I do, Daddy? I d-don’t know what I’m supposed to do now…”

Tony pressed his nose into Dean’s hair and didn’t respond for a moment. He thought carefully about what to say next before finally murmuring,

“Do you think that she’s really gone? As in not coming back? Is it possible that she’s just struggling and that if we get her some help---”

Dean interrupted.

“She sent me a text,” he whispered. “She said she talked to Margo and Eddie, and she decided she just isn’t cut out to be a mother. She said she knows I can take care of him but she knows she’d just mess up and she said Finn has all of us but Brett, her brother Brett, he doesn’t have anyone to look after him. But I don’t know what she thinks she gonna do about that because he’s in that place and she’s not even 18 yet...I don’t know, Daddy. I don’t know…”

“Okay...shhhh...okay,” Tony closed his eyes. “Listen. It’s...there’s time for you and Jessie to talk about things. It doesn’t have to be today. But she’s been through a lot and maybe she just needs some time.”

“She said I should come over and get all of Finn’s things,” Dean whimpered miserably and Tony sighed.

“We’ll take care of that. You don’t have to, son. We’ll...figure it out. We’ll do...something. But Dean...no matter what happens? You’re not by yourself, buddy. No one is going to raise Finn all alone. Mom and I are here, son. We’re always going to be here for you. You don’t have to decide anything today, bud. Okay? Let’s just...we’ll take Finn home to our house. We’ll take him home and love him and love you and just...I think you need to just take a step back.”

Dean drew in a raspy breath.

“It isn’t fair,” he said softly. “I don’t know what I did wrong…”

“I’m willing to bet almost everything I have that it isn’t you,” Tony replied, rubbing Dean’s back now. “She’s overwhelmed and terrified and I know you are too. But she doesn’t have the same support system you do and...Dean, I don’t want to get your hopes up. The truth is I don’t KNOW what’s going to happen but...what I do know is that you and Finn? You and Finn are gonna be just fine. Because your family? Your family is gonna take care of you. Okay? We’re gonna take care of you and we’re gonna help you take care of him.”

Dean’s teary gaze met Tony’s then.

“I can’t let him go. I...he’s my son.”

“Of course you aren’t going to let him go.”

“But am I enough?”

“You’re gonna be the best thing that’s ever happened to that little boy,” Tony said fiercely. 

“I hope so,” Dean sagged against his father. Now he just seemed tired. “I want to be a good dad. Just like you. I want to teach him all of the important lessons that you taught me…”

Tony smiled.

“And what’s been the most important lesson that I’ve ever taught you?”

And Dean didn’t hesitate as he sat with his head on Tony’s shoulder.

“That the best things in life aren’t things.”


	108. Your Crib Is My Confessional

Lily was certainly no stranger to life just not going the way she’d planned.

Really, nothing about her life was how she’d thought it would be even just 10 years ago, so by now, you’d think she’d stop being shocked. But she just wasn’t prepared for Jessie leaving Dean and Finn.

And it appeared she had no intention of changing her mind.

The day Finn got out of the hospital, Lily drove him and Dean home. Dean sat in the back seat of the Highlander and watched the tiny infant like a hawk.

“It’s his first car ride ever,” he explained. “What if he needs me? What if he gets scared? I have to stay near him.”

The whole exchange was adorable and it made Lily very proud. Her son definitely had some strong parental instincts, and he was doing, in her estimation, an amazing job thus far. 

While she took them home and got them settled in the living room recliner with a blanket and a bottle, Roman, Seth and Tony went over to Margo and Eddie’s and picked up all of the baby’s things. Dean was dozing when they arrived back at the house, but Tony motioned Lily into the kitchen.

“Eddie was outright cold,” he said quietly. “Margo says right now Jessie doesn’t even want to go back to Creek Ridge. She didn’t come out of her room. I don’t know, Lu...this may be for real…”

“Right now, the most important thing is to support Dean,” Lily replied. “I love Jessie; I love her very much, but Dean has my heart. He’s our son and he needs us more than he ever has. I won’t let my baby go through this alone.

“Still, though,” Lily added, “maybe in a few weeks when everything has died down, it would be a good idea to contact Margo and Eddie and just see if there’s anything Jessie needs or anything we can do...because no matter where she is in all of this, she’s given Dean the most precious gift.”  
And Tony wholeheartedly agreed.

Together they wandered back into the living room, where Dean was half awake and staring down at Finn. He had tears in his eyes, but he wasn’t exactly crying. Tony rested a hand on his shoulder. 

“I’m in love with her,” Dean said quietly. “I’m in love with her, and she left…”

“Listen...sweetie…” Lily began. “I don’t want you to feel like we’re just brushing this off because we’re not. Your pain is real and sharp and acceptable. And Daddy and I...we’re going to walk through this with you, no matter what. But I think...I think right now, the best thing you can do is just take a deep breath and remember that Jessie...I mean you read the books. This whole process takes it’s toll on a woman in the best of circumstances. And there was a whole lot more stress on her than most first-time moms.”

“There’s a lot more stress on ME too,” Dean whispered. 

“Yes, there is,” Tony agreed. “But that’s why Mama says we don’t want you to feel like we’re just brushing this off. You have to grieve and that’s okay and it’ll take time for all of us to get into a groove here, and that’s okay too. But what we’re trying to tell you is, Jessie’s choice? It was Jessie’s choice. It didn’t have anything to do with you. And it didn’t really have anything specifically to do with Finn either. It’s not that she doesn’t love you. I really think that in her mind...in her mind? She did what was best for everyone.”

“Well, she was wrong,” Dean spat furiously. “She was WRONG. He needs his mother. Because I don’t know what I’m doing. We were supposed to be a family; we were supposed to figure this out together and how could she just give up?”

Lily took Dean’s hand as a couple of tears fell off of her son’s face and onto the tiny sleeping infant’s blue beanie, the one with the elephant that Dean had loved.

“Baby, I don’t know,” she murmured. “I think Daddy’s right; I think she just...right or wrong, I think she thinks she’s doing the best thing for Finn, and for you. But we can’t change any of that. This is a learning curve, Dean. For all of us really; Dad and I have never raised a baby before either. I wish I could give you all of the answers but here’s the truth: I’m relieved to hear you say that you don’t know what to do, because you’re right and that’s scary and yet...it’s also honest. You’re gonna learn, baby. You’re gonna learn and we’re gonna learn and Finn’s gonna learn...try not to harbor any resentment. Hard as that’s going to be, Dean...your son? This beautiful child? He’s only going to be this size right now. One day you’re going to wake up and he’s going to be 18 and you’re going to be like, I just tucked him into bed and now he’s grown. Enjoy this time. Enjoy building this bond. Enjoy all of his firsts. Enjoy teaching him, and be aware of the things he can teach you. Don’t waste time being angry, my baby. Grieve. Be sad. That’s okay. But don’t waste time on anger. You’re only going to get this time with Finn once.”

Dean looked up at her and sighed.

“He’s really perfect, isn’t he?”

Lily smiled.

“All bias aside? He’s the most perfect, wonderful, amazing tiny little person that I’ve ever seen.”

Dean laughed softly.

“But that’s with no bias right?”

“Nope. None. Not even a little.”

 

_______________________________________

 

Finn’s first five days or so at home were difficult. Like many newborns, especially preemies, he had a sensitive tummy, and they had a hard time finding a formula that agreed with him. Add to that Dean going through the grieving process, and there was a lot of crying in the Girardi household during that time. 

Tony did his best for his boy and his grandboy (one of the numerous nicknames Finn was beginning to accrue), but it wasn’t easy. Finn cried the majority of the time; in   
fact, he’d cry for hours and then more or less pass out from exhaustion. He was hungry but he was gassy. One of the formulas Dr. Elliott suggested constipated him. The next one unclogged the plumbing all right, but he pooped his way through seven diapers in one afternoon. 

The whole thing stressed Dean out, and that broke Tony’s heart. His son was trying so hard to make the right decisions and do the right things, and he really was a genuinely good father. He was gentle and soft. He’d pace the floor for hours, trying desperately to comfort his son, patting Finn’s back, swaying back and forth with him. His parents tried to help, but whether it was instinct or just keen hearing, Dean always knew when Finn was in distress, even when they were at opposite ends of the house.

“Sweetie, I told you,” Tony heard Lily coax over Finn’s anguished shrieks. “Go lie down for a bit. Get some sleep. I’ve got him; he’s fine.” 

And Dean responded,

“I’m his father. He needs me.”

How could anyone argue with that?

In a show of solidarity, Roman began getting up during the night so Dean would have some company no matter what. Seth could often be found calmly reading to Finn while he cried and cried. None of them got much sleep that week, but Tony figured pride was better than rest any day.

It wore Dean down, though. By the afternoon of the fifth day, with Finn’s wails, shrill and agonized, punctuating the air and his little belly distended from gas, his father finally caved.

“I’m sorry, buddy,” Dean began to cry right along with Finn. “I’m sorry. I suck. I’m sorry. I can’t make you happy. I’m sorry, buddy.”

Tony lifted Finn into his own arms and then placed him on his back on his legs and began to very gently rub the baby’s tummy. Shortly after, Lily emerged from her office.

“I’ve been looking online,” she announced. “There’s a message board that swears by a new organic formula, and Trader Joe’s carries it. It’s got to be worth a try. Dean?”

“What?” Dean was sitting in the recliner by then, arms over his head. Finn’s screams had been reduced to mewls; the soft massage seemed to be helping.

“You want to come with me, sweetie? Get out of the house for a bit? Have some peace and quiet?”

“No. He’s my son. He’s my responsibility…”

“Yes. Yes, he is, and baby boy, you’ve done so good, but it’s okay to take a break…”

“I don’t need a break,” Dean muttered huffily. “I need to help my kid.”

Lily looked at Tony, eyes pleading, and Tony nodded at her. He had this.

After she left, he held up an arm for Dean. Finn had finally let out a massive fart, which probably would’ve been funny if the baby hadn’t been so miserable. But now instead of screaming, he was sucking on his WubbaNub pacifier bear and stretching his tiny feet.

“He can sense things, you know,” Tony quietly rubbed Dean’s shoulder. “He doesn’t know why you’re frustrated, but he can tell you’re stressed. It’s been a long week. I know. It has. But we’re going to find something that works. In the meantime, Mom’s right. You and Finn both need a break.”

“And what do you recommend I do?” Dean asked dryly.

“Lean on me.”

Tony drew Dean into his arms, then rested Finn on Dean’s chest. The baby protested slightly at first and Dean tensed, but Tony murmured,

“Hey, hey. Just relax.”

And low and behold, Dean did.

Finn sighed against Dean then---a huge, comical sigh---and closed his eyes.

“That’s a good boy,” Dean began to softly croon. “That’s my boy. I love you, Finny. Such a good boy. Not your fault. Not your fault you don’t feel too good. We’re gonna make it better for you.”

Dean offered Finn an index finger, and Finn wrapped his itty bitty fingers around it---and fell asleep.

In fact, when Lily arrived home an hour later with the new formula that would become their savior, she found Finn asleep on Dean, who was asleep on Tony, who was looking down at his boy and his grandboy with the most genuine look of contentment on his face.

 

_____________________________________

 

By the time baby Finn was a full two weeks old, the new formula had done its job and once he could eat without being in pain, it turned out that he was actually a pretty laid-back little dude. It probably didn’t hurt that he was virtually ALWAYS in someone’s arms---Seth wondered if you could spoil a baby, really---but then again, Seth was every bit as guilty as everyone else.

He just loved his nephew.

He hadn’t been sure he would, wasn’t sure he WANTED to, but he did.

Seth didn’t know exactly what it was. Possibly, it was the way Finn looked at him. If he happened to be awake when it was Seth’s turn, his gaze held nothing but trust and innocence. He was so new and untested and had nothing to fear. This baby knew nothing of the real world yet, and Seth figured if he had his way, Finn never would.

The baby slept ALL the time. Sometimes he even seemed to eat in his sleep. Seth asked his mother about this.

“Well, he spent way more time than he should’ve crying before we got the new formula,” she began. “Usually preemies don’t cry too much because they need to save their calories.”

This made Seth giggle a little; who knew a baby would be concerned with calories?

He enjoyed reading to Finn more than anything else, and not little baby books either. He figured that, for now anyway, Finn didn’t understand no matter what he chose, so he opted for stuff he’d like to read too. He began with the first installment of Harry Potter.

One afternoon while reading, he realized Finn was wide awake, so Seth stopped what he was doing and instead looked down at the baby. 

“You’re worth all the trouble, you know,” he said quietly. “I didn’t know it was possible to love you so much. But I do. I don’t think I can ever have kids. But you’ll be Uncle Seth’s boy, right?”

Baby Finn continued to stare at him. It was as though he was sizing Seth up, so Seth decided to size him up right back.

Dean couldn’t have denied him even if he wanted too. The nose, the lips, the slope of the forehead...and Seth had noticed lately that there was now some expression in Finn’s eyes. 

“Do you know that you are already two weeks old?” Seth asked his nephew. “You are. You’re already two weeks old and that’s just bizarre because it feels like I just met you yesterday. But then at the same time, it also feels like I’ve known you for my entire life. Feelings are a crazy thing, Finn. You’ll learn that. Sometimes they hurt but mostly they’re good. I’m still learning about them, really. I don’t know how old you have to be to understand. But you will, someday. There are lots of things you’ll know about someday. Like going fishing and camping. Swimming...playing XBox...reading great books. I can’t wait until you’re old enough for Harry Potter and Game of Thrones. Oh, the conversations we’ll have. You’re gonna have a great life, bud. You really are. You’ve got a really awesome daddy. He loves you more than anything. Even with all the hard parts, I still don’t think I’ve ever seen him so happy as he is when he holds you.”

Finn yawned and then he stretched. He was still soooooo little (but according to Dr. Elliott earlier that day, he’d gained 4 ounces since being sent home). 

“You gonna go back to sleep?” Seth asked him with a smile. Why did holding a baby feel so natural? He’d noticed it with Alfie too. It felt good. Finn was small and soft and he smelled like baby lotion and Johnson & Johnson shampoo. He was wearing a plain gray sleeper that felt so smooth against Seth’s fingers, and he also wore a teeny little beanie cap that matched his sleeper. It covered his light red hair, but one of the most important things about caring for a preemie was keeping him warm.

He was content. He wasn’t really sleeping; the little man’s eyes occasionally opened lazily and he looked up at Seth, only to slowly close again and then he’d sigh. But he was definitely happy and settled, and that made Seth feel accomplished. He’d done that. 

“When you’re bigger,” Seth murmured quietly to the baby, “you’re going to need people that you can confide in. I know it’s early but I want you to know...you can always talk to me, Finn. Anything. Anything at all you need to say and I’ll be there for you. I mean it’s important that you trust in your dad too; he loves you and he’ll always be there for you but...I know that...some things...there are some things that are just too scary to talk to your parents about. Even when you know they love you more than anything. And it’s not because you’re afraid they’ll be angry because you know better than that. But they can still be disappointed without being angry, and...well, you’ll learn, buddy. Sometimes your parents being disappointed is way worse than them being mad.”

Finn’s eyes opened then and he let out a soft little noise. It wasn’t a cry or a mewl but a contented little mumble, and Seth thought it was crazy but if felt like the baby was really listening to him.

“Oh, I know,” Seth went on. “I know they’ll always love me. Just the way your daddy will always love you. But...I guess...I guess I’m just scared, Finn. Scared of how they’ll react. Scared that they’ll be disgusted or...just...the thing is, I’m pretty sure I like boys. I mean not boys; that’s gross, but other guys...see, I can’t even adequately explain this to you. How am I supposed to explain it to Gigi and Papa?” 

A tiny sigh escaped Finn, and he opened just his left eye and looked up at Seth. 

“Am I disrupting your sleep, little man?” Seth asked with a smile. “Okay. I’ll shut up now. But I’m serious, buddy. I’m always going to be here for you, okay? No matter what.”

Seth began to rock Finn, who soon enough began to breathe deeply and Seth knew he’d fallen asleep. It felt good to be able to confess his sins, even to someone who didn’t have a clue what he was talking about and probably was more interested in the sound of his voice than anything he actually had to say anyway. And he’d meant every word he said; he was always going to be there for his nephew, no matter what he did, no matter what happened.

He was so engrossed in his “conversation” with the newborn, though, that he never noticed Roman standing in the doorway, or the expression on his oldest brother’s face.

Creek Ridge High School had a procedure in place for welcoming new students and getting them oriented. A few weeks before school started each year, any new entrants were to come to school and meet with a sort of mentor. The mentor would show them around, talk to them about their course schedule and activities that the school offered, and just generally answer any questions they may have. Seth had never mentored before but his senior year, he decided it might be a fun idea.

He woke up early that morning, kind of excited. If anything he’d probably make a new friend today, always a good experience. Seth bid his mother and Dean good morning in the kitchen; Roman’s classes at the University of Houston began the next day, and he was taking advantage of his last opportunity to sleep in. 

When Seth got to school, he immediately noticed two of his friends, Sam and Ellie, standing just inside the gym talking. Unlike Roman, Seth was far from the most popular kid in school. He didn’t trust easily, but he did have a lot of kids that he talked to and had discussions with, particularly in class. Most other students just seemed to understand that he was a little different and that was okay. No one really expected much from him emotionally, but they were happy to socialize with him and make small talk. He would never be the guy that wanted to party or get together in a huge setting, but he’d taken place in plenty of study groups and the like, and he knew who he could really get to know and who he more or less wanted to stay away from. Sam and Ellie were safe. They were both nerds too.

“Hey,” Ellie greeted Seth as he approached. “How’s your summer?”

Seth grinned.

“Went to London and Costa Rica and a little over two weeks ago, my nephew came,” he said proudly. “So in all? No complaints.”

“Whoa! The baby’s here? Thought he wasn’t coming til later?” Sam asked, motioning for Seth to get his phone out.

“Guess no one told him,” Seth called up the pictures of Finn that he had on his iPhone. “But here he is. Finn.”

“Ohhhhh he’s so little!” Ellie practically squealed. “Dean looks really happy…”

This made Seth smile harder.

“Yes he is little, and yes, Dean is happy. Dean is tired, but he’s happy. He’s a really good dad.”

As he was chatting his pals up, debating asking them if they wanted to go for coffee after they met with their new students, his eyes fell on the doorway, or more specifically, who had just walked through it.

Adonis.

The boy was tall, taller than Seth, who had grown a great deal since his days of curling up real small and hiding under a blanket. At roughly 6’2”, he was taller than quite a few of his classmates, but he couldn’t say this about the kid that he had just set his eyes upon.

The guy was well-muscled but not bulky. Not scrawny but thin, healthy looking, and he had a beautiful dark-toned skin that Seth couldn’t begin to adequately describe. Hair that wasn’t long, but long enough to be pulled into a short ponytail. Amazing lips. The boy had made his way across the room to the folding chairs that were set up facing the stage and sat down. Seth continued to take him in. Even from where he was standing, he could tell that his eyes were dark, nearly black, and although the boy wasn’t smiling, he had unmistakable dimples. 

The only word Seth could even come up with for this boy was hunk.

His heart began to pound just a little, at the same time his brain began to scold him.

Don’t look. Even if you were supposed to notice, which you aren’t, a kid that looks like that is out of your league. Don’t even go there.

“Hey, Earth to Seth?” Sam’s voice.

“You okay? You kind of zoned out there…” Ellie rested her hand on Seth’s arm, and he nodded.

“Yeah, yeah, just...not a lot of sleep going on in my house right now,” Seth murmured, and Ellie nodded sympathetically.

As the principal began to call everyone to order, Seth and his friends made their way to the chairs and sat towards the front of the room. After a brief introduction and explanation of what was to happen next, Dr. Cordero began rattling off names. First the current Creek Ridge student, then the new one that was to be their mentoree. Sam and Ellie both had last names that began with B, so they were paired off before Seth was, Sam with a nervous looking blond boy and Ellie with a girl who appeared to be glued to her cell phone. Then his name got called.

“Seth Girardi...Valentino Dawson.”

The hunk stood up.

Huh?

Seth’s heart beat harder and his brain screamed louder, but he managed to stand and make his way over to the new boy, torn between nervous inadequacy and hardly believing his good fortune. He stuck his hand out.

“Hey, I’m Seth,” he said, immediately wondering just how dumb he sounded, but instead, Hunk smiled and returned the handshake.

“Valentino,” Hunk replied.

His smile was smooth and thick, like honey, and it was also contagious. His teeth were nearly perfect and Seth had been right about his dimples; they were so deep he thought he could pitch a tent and set up camp in them.

“Valentino...that’s a mouthful,” Seth said shyly, and Valentino Dawson smiled again.

“Yeah...my Mami named me. My father wanted something short and simple but she’s really passionate about stuff so she pretty much gets her way on those things. Sometimes they call me Vali…”

The conversation flowed easily from there.

Seth had never before been so compelled to talk to someone he had met just moments ago.

He showed Valentino all around the building and they talked as they went.

“So...Valentino Dawson. Ethnic variety?” Seth asked, and it didn’t feel weird at all when Valentino grinned and nodded.

“Mami is Mexican,” he explained. “She was born in Chihuahua and came to Houston when she was like five. My Pop is black and he’s been here since he was born. They’ve been married 20 years and he says it’s ‘cuz they can’t talk to each other.”

Seth laughed.

“It’s not true,” Valentino continued. “Mi Mami can speak English just fine, but she prefers Spanish. Pop can speak enough Spanish to get by if he has to, but he’d never make it in Mexico. I’m bilingual. But how about you? Seth Girardi? Girardi sounds Italian?”

“Yeah, it is. My father is Italian and my mother is German and Irish but I’m adopted so I guess I’m more of a mix. You ever been to Mexico?”

“Yup. You ever been to Italy?”

“No. But I’ve been to the U.K. My dad took me. We went to the Globe…” Seth could hardly believe how easy this was.

“Ahh, Shakespeare’s theatre. I’m jealous,” Valentine replied. “At my old school, I was Black Hamlet. Actually, that pissed a lot of people off, which is why I’m starting over my Senior year.”

“So...you’re into drama?” Seth asked hopefully, and Valentino nodded. 

“Yeah...are you?”

“I’m into plays and literature,” Seth began. “I’ve never actually acted before but...yeah. I was kind of thinking about trying drama this year.”

“What else are you into? Do you do other stuff at school?”

Seth shook his head.

“No...not really. Just never found my niche I guess…”

Adonis...Hunk...uh, Valentino nodded.

“Well, maybe, you and me, we try out together when the time comes.”

“Yeah...maybe we could.”

Seth finished up the tour and he and Valentino exchanged phone numbers and agreed to meet at school for the next week’s orientation session on curriculum.

“I’ll help you with that,” Seth said. “I know which teachers to avoid.”

Valentino smiled that smile again and held out his hand.

“Okay...sounds good. It was good meeting you...Seth.”

The look in his eyes said something, but Seth wasn’t entirely sure what. His heart felt ready to explode out of his chest, though.

What the HELL was going on?


	109. I'll Tell You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies in advance for any grammar errors but it's very late and I'm very tired and I didn't spend a lot of time on edits.

Strangely, when Roman overheard Seth tell Finn that he thought he had a thing for guys, he wasn’t shocked. Nor was he dismayed. It was clear to anyone close to Seth that he just was not interested in the opposite sex. Roman figured they could write it off as his childhood for only so long, but didn’t everyone eventually need to meet their soulmate? He’d found his. His parents had each other. Dean...well, Roman supposed sometimes it might take more than one try. But Seth really hadn’t made much effort.

What bothered Roman was that his brother was afraid to talk about it.

It annoyed him, actually. After everything, was Seth ever going to truly trust their family

Because that’s what it boiled down to, wasn’t it? Seth didn’t trust their parents. He didn’t trust them to love him no matter what, even when he said he did. Even when he said he was more afraid of them being disappointed in him---how could he even feel that way? As long as Roman could remember, no one had ever said that being gay or bi was negative. Actually, he couldn’t even recall sexuality ever really being discussed. Just the way race wasn’t really discussed, or gender, or anything else like that, because it just didn’t matter. How could Seth not know that?

Roman had every intention of sitting his brother down soon and setting him straight, but at the moment he had bigger issues.

It was his first day of college.

He was alternately giddy and terrified.

He was also relieved that Megan was going to get to go too.

She wasn’t going to be able to play basketball anymore; it had been too up in the air and the school needed to fill the spot on the team. By the time they realized, all of the academic scholarships were pretty much gone, and Megan began to get nervous. No, panicked was more like it.

“I have to go to school, Roman,” she’d sobbed one night shortly before he left for Costa Rica. “I can’t stay on my parents’ insurance if I don’t go to school, but we can’t afford to just pay for me to go, and we can’t afford my treatments without insurance. I barely qualify for any financial aid because of what my parents make, and I don’t want to go into debt...”

Roman had held her, at a loss for what to do until an idea began to form.

He’d gone home that night and sat his parents down and by the time he went to bed, the plan was in place.

Two days later, the three of them went out to the Laird’s house. Megan had just arrived home from her chemo treatment and was curled up on the couch looking exhausted, until Roman pulled out an envelope and handed it to her.

Megan opened it up and looked it over before raising an eyebrow at Roman.

“What...is this?”

“It’s a grant,” Roman had quietly replied. “My parents are alumni, and they’re both on a committee. My dad went to the board yesterday and told them what’s happening, that you’d already been offered scholarships but you had exigent circumstances, and the alumni board voted to pay for your first semester. You’ll have to reapply each time but...it’s a start.”

Megan flung her arms around Roman and wept.

Now weeks later they were beginning the journey together. Roman was taking five classes his first semester: college algebra, early literature, and U.S. history on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays; psychology and biology on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Plus football practice in the evenings, of course, but overall, he thought this seemed like way less work than high school.

He and Meg had algebra, history, and psychology together, so they figured riding together to campus only made sense. They’d be out of class by eleven or so; going out to lunch to celebrate their first day as college students only made sense.

That morning, his mother made him eggs and bacon for breakfast, and then she made him stand by the door while she snapped a few pictures. 

“Mom, save it for when Finn goes to pre-K,” Roman mumbled, feigning annoyance, but really, he was tickled that she was so excited for him. He was her oldest child, after all, and he was the first to have this college experience. So when she hugged on him for about the 50th time and told him to think about what he wanted for dinner that night because it would be his pick, he grinned a little.

“Can we make steaks?” 

“Whatever you want,” Lily responded.

“Can Megan come over?”

“It’s your night, Ro.”

“Okay. Steaks, asparagus, baked potatoes and corn? That okay?”

“Absolutely. Oh, Ro...you’re a college guy now. I’m so proud of you, baby boy.”

Roman grinned again, bigger this time. 

“I love you, Mama,” he whispered. “I’ll be home this afternoon to tell you all about it.”

The first day, Roman and Megan quickly discovered, was introduction day. As in, in all three classes, they said their names and majors (Roman was surprised how many students were undeclared), went over the syllabus, and were dismissed early with a reading assignment for the next class. Once their three classes were over, they went out to Chili’s and compared syllabi for the two classes they didn’t share. 

Where he had early Lit and biology, Megan had opted for chemistry and speech. 

“Look at all of these presentations,” she exclaimed, looking over her speech syllabus.

“Well...babe...I mean that’s pretty much what speech is right?” Roman dipped a tortilla chip into his salsa. “It’ll be okay. You can practice for me.”

“I hate speaking in front of people,” Megan muttered. 

“You? But you’re so good at it.”

“Thanks...but I still don’t like it.”

Roman smiled at her.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “You’re still amazing at it and you’re a good writer. I’m not so sure about biology. I’ve never actually dissected anything and this says we’ll have to dissect fetal pigs…”

Megan wrinkled her nose.

“Why don’t they just use the computer programs like at Creek Ridge?”

“I don’t know,” Roman replied. “Look at all of these history assignments! Ughhhhhhhh…”

“Don’t worry. I can help you with that while you’re helping me with speeches.”

Roman grinned.

“It’s a deal,” he said. 

 

________________________

 

He may not have been growing like a weed, but baby Finn was strong and growing stronger all the time. When he was two weeks old, his Uncle Roman began college and Finn weighed in at a whopping 5.4 pounds. By three weeks old he slept in two hour stretches---thank God, Dean thought, because before that he’d wanted to eat every 45 minutes. At three weeks Finn also gifted his daddy a smile, and Dean was absolutely certain it was real and not gas. He’d been holding his boy and baby talking him and then without really thinking about it, he cooed,

“Finny, who’s your daddy?”

And the smile that followed lit up everything. Sure it was a fluke, Dean tried again---and Finn smiled again. Dean’s mother found him holding his son, tears streaming down his face.

“Dean? Sweetie? What’s wrong, baby, what happened?” Lily, concerned, embraced him, but he managed to stutter out,

“N-nothing. He s-smiled at me, Mom.” Lily’s face softened and she hugged him tighter. 

“He loves his daddy,” she whispered.

“His daddy loves him,” Dean mumbled back.

At four weeks, Finn took his first field trip out of the house for something other than a doctor visit. Well, in truth, they went for a doctor visit first (and he gained another half pound) but afterwards, they took him to the Hard Rock Cafe for the very first time. Roman was in class, so it was just Mom, Dean, and Seth, but that was fine; Finn slept in his carseat the entire time and basically missed out on the whole experience. But he’d done it; he’d taken his son out in public, thereby overcoming one of the many hurdles that Dean feared.

And there were lots.

Every doctor visit, Dean was afraid that Dr. Elliott would say that Finn just wasn’t thriving, that obviously Dean had no idea what he was doing, and that the baby would be better off without him. It never happened; all of his visits with the doctor were always positive.

“He looks really good, Dean,” was what Dr. Elliott had to say. “His weight gain will be slow at first and that’s okay. The main thing is that he’s gaining, and he is. His breathing is good, his pulse is normal...he’s a healthy baby. Just small. But he’ll catch up.” 

Finn was in the 0 percentile on weight for his age and just the 3rd percentile in length. Dean had no idea what this meant, but he supposed Dr. Elliott would tell him if he needed to be concerned.

He never once heard from Jessie, which both frightened and angered him. Rumor had it she wasn’t coming back to Creek Ridge, but that suited Dean fine. He wasn’t ready to confront her.

Probably the scariest thing though? The scariest thing was that in four days, the day Finn officially turned one month old, Dean had to go back to school.

He dreaded it.

Dean knew his mother would take exceptional care of his son while he was gone, but he just didn’t want to leave his baby behind.

What if something happened and Lily couldn’t get ahold of him?

What if Finn got sick?

What if LILY got sick and couldn’t care for him?

What if Finn thought Dean was never coming back?

What if Finn FORGOT him?

Deep down, he knew he was being nothing but silly; he just couldn’t help it. Finn was only a month old and he’d already been abandoned by his mother. He needed his daddy. But not going to school was just not an option, and Dean knew this. 

“I could drop out and get a job,” he’d posed the suggestion to Seth one morning. Seth was feeding Finn his morning bottle and he wrinkled his nose in distaste.

“And what will he do while you’re working? You’d see even less of him if you worked full time.”

Dean hated to admit that his brother was right, but his brother was right. 

“It’s a fact of life, brother,” Seth continued. “Just relax. We’ll go, we’ll come home, and you can change diapers and sing lullabies while you study.”

Dean heaved a huge sigh.

“I never knew it was possible to love him so much,” he murmured, taking Finn from Seth’s arms. Seth smiled.

“Me neither,” he mumbled.

Dean had noticed that in the past few weeks, Seth seemed different. Where he had been clearly feeling overwhelmed and sullen, he suddenly was relaxed. It wasn’t like his usual self, but it was a nice change. Dean figured he could thank Finn for this; there was something about Seth that baby Finn clearly just liked. Not that Finn disliked anyone else; he was perfectly content to be passed from family member to family member and it didn’t matter if he was being dwarfed by Roman’s massive arms or cuddled up into his Papa Tony’s neck. But whatever it was, if Finn got fussy, Seth could almost always calm him.

If you’d told Dean this up front, he would have thought this would make him jealous but strangely he didn’t mind. The hardest thing about the whole ordeal was being a single father; it felt great to have the support of his entire family. It took him a little bit, but before long, he no longer felt guilty when he needed to place Finn in someone else’s care so he could pee or eat or just step back and breathe for a second.

Because happy or not, a newborn, particularly a preemie, was still hard work.

Even though it was the end of summer, Finn was so small that he had trouble regulating his temperature, so he had to be wrapped up in blankets most of the time. But they had to be careful, because if he was out in the heat it could easily become too much. This was one of the reasons that Dean hesitated to take him anywhere at first, unless it was to visit with Dr. Elliott to be weighed. 

The night before school began, of course, Finn decided to be grumpy. Dean wondered if he was imposing his own concerns onto the baby; he tried to keep his anxiety at bay while he gave Finn a bath, dressed him in a cozy little one piece with a monkey and a banana on it, then wrapped him in a blanket. At a month old, his preemie clothes were just beginning to fit correctly, so Dean hoped he’d be able to move onto newborn sizes soon. He had a lot of Houston Cougars outfits and so far they were all way too big, but soon enough he’d be going to watch his Uncle Roman play ball, and Dean hoped to dress him appropriately. 

But right now, football wasn’t his biggest concern. 

“What’s up, buddy? Why you trippin’?” Dean murmured as he rested Finn on his shoulder and patted his back. The baby continued to grumble; he wasn’t really crying as much as he was just sort of whiny. 

“Seriously. Your belly is full. Your booty is dry. Whatsa matter?”

Finn whimpered in response. Dean looked into his eyes and sighed. For as much as his son looked like him, sometimes, all Dean could see in him was Jessie. And sometimes, for a split second, he wondered how much her being gone was going to traumatize his son.

“It’s okay, Finny. It’s okay,” Dean murmured softly, pacing the floor with the baby in tow. “It’s okay. I miss her too.”

 

___________________________

 

Seth very clearly remembered his very first day of school after his parents brought him home.

_He was 12 years old and had been living in the Girardi home for roughly six weeks, give or take. There had been a lot of talk about the whole thing; expectations and rules, a thing called an IEP, which allowed him to only go half of the day and why he was still allowed to start 7th grade even though no one really knew exactly how much HE knew. He had taken plenty of placement tests, and he didn’t get the big deal. Sure, it had been several years since he was last in the classroom, but he wasn’t an idiot._

_It didn’t take his new parents very long at all to discover that he could talk; he just didn’t unless he had something important to say. So when they met in the office of the middle school principal, along with the school counselor, the vice principal, the four teachers he would have, and his psychiatrist, Dr. Bushman, Seth couldn’t figure out why his mother kept exclaiming,_

_“Oh, bub. Look how smart you are!”_

_More concerning to him was all of this attention, and all of those strange people, so he did what, at the time, seemed the most natural to him. He hid under the table._

_The adults all let him and nobody tried to coax him out, but he could hear them talking above his head._

_“Of course we knew Seth was very intelligent,” he could hear Dr. B. saying to the group. “Just look at the survival skills he’s developed. We want to start him out with just the basics---math, reading, science, and social studies. We’ll reassess the week before Thanksgiving. What do you think about that, Seth?”_

_Under the table, Seth didn’t move, but he could feel his mother reach down and run her fingers through his hair. He sighed; that always calmed his nerves, but this time he started to shake._

_The truth was, smart or not, tests or not, half days or not, he didn’t want to do this. Nothing scared Seth more than other kids. Nothing. Those first few weeks he’d been home with Lily, adjusting and coming slowly out of his shell; they’d done all kinds of things together. They’d gone outside and put Mentos in different kind of soda and measured how high it spouted. The diet Coke had shot over 15 feet in the air and they’d laughed and laughed when their feet got soaked. They had looked through books and websites with math problems and he’d learned about Texas and democracy and a whole slew of other things and wasn’t that enough?_

_Turns out it apparently wasn’t._

_His mom and dad were actually going to leave him alone with these strangers._

_Seth could feel panic rising in his throat, could feel tears welling in his eyes, but then something odd happened._

_One of the adults that had been sitting at the table got up out of her chair and crawled under the table with him._

_He hid his face at first, but she didn’t get too close and instead, she started to talk to him._

_“Hello,” she murmured. “My name is Mrs. Coffman, Seth. I was thinking, I’d sort of like to be your math teacher. I heard that you and your mom have done some math.”_

_Seth didn’t look at her, but he slowly nodded, head still resting against his mama’s leg._

_“I was wondering about something,” Mrs. Coffman continued. “I have a problem.”_

_She began writing a combination of numbers and letters on a piece of lined paper, and then she slid it across the floor. He didn’t reach for it; there was no need. He could see it just fine, and he knew what it meant._

_“Four,” he whispered._

_“Four?” Mrs. Coffman quietly asked._

_“The X. It means four,” Seth whispered back._

_“That’s right,” the woman’s eyes were smiling now, although her face still looked serious. “Can you explain how you know that?”_

_Seth did, and by the time he was done, Mrs. Coffman was grinning from ear to ear. “Why don’t you come out,” she suggested. “I’d like to show you my classroom.”_

_It was with a great deal of trepidation, but Seth did it. The next morning when his mother brought him back, with both brothers this time, Seth shivered and clung to her but she quietly promised him that she was going to wait in the office until it was time to go, but that she really wanted him to just try it out._

_“You can come down here,” Lily had soothed, as she smoothed his hair back from his face. “Any time, you can excuse yourself and come down here. “I love you, Seth. I’m so proud of my bub. Just give it a try.”_

_Seth buried his face into her, fully intending to never let her go, but then Mrs. Coffman appeared in the doorway. She was every bit as encouraging and kind as she had been the day before, and with a sigh, Seth let his mama let him go. He was absolutely certain he’d see her before long anyway._

_Except he didn’t need to._

_Everything flowed. He had two classes with Dean, who gently introduced him to other kids, and each teacher was calm and easygoing, and really, he found that he could do it; he already knew or had at least heard of most of the material._

_Right before noon, Seth returned to the office and true to her word, his mother was still there. He crawled into her lap, but he looked up at her, eyes enormous._

_“Can I come back tomorrow?”_

Five years later, Seth was a senior in high school. He was at the top of his class. He had friends. He was far more mature. And he was every bit as scared as he had been on his first day of 7th grade.

Because he had a crush on a boy, and if that wasn’t terrifying…

He’d met up with Valentino Dawson two more times prior to the first day, and each time he reminded himself that it was just to show him school stuff, but each time, he got butterflies in his stomach. 

Seth tried to tell himself none of that meant anything, but each time, just when he almost had himself convinced, he caught sight of Valentino and...yeah.

You are not doing this, he scolded himself. And then Valentino saw him, and his already gorgeous face lit up, and...yeah.

Fuck.

They had four classes together so he couldn’t be avoided and in truth, Seth didn’t really want to avoid him anyway. He just didn’t know what he was really supposed to DO now. He couldn’t even say for sure that Valentino felt the same way he did, and yet, somehow, Seth knew he did. The whole situation was weird and scary, but by the time the day was over, it wasn’t unfamiliar anymore. 

What was he supposed to do?

What did he want? 

What did Valentino want?

Seth didn’t know the answer to any of this. That is, until they met up at the end of the day.

“So...what did you think?” Seth asked him. After all, as his mentor, it was up to him to make sure that Valentino was comfortable with everything. Valentino smiled.

“Good...I think it was good. I’m pretty sure history’s gonna kick my ass and you’ll have to tell me more about this senior service project because I’m totally clueless...Seth? You with me?”

Seth was drowning in this guy’s eyes. He tried to shake himself back to reality.

“Yeah. I’m with you. Wanna go get a coffee?”

Valentino smiled again.

The Bluebird Cafe was, surprisingly, not very busy, and as the two sat together chatting about the first day, Valentino suddenly leaned across the table.

“So...Seth…” he began. Seth looked up at him. 

“Yeah?”

“Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?”

Seth was startled.

“Yeah, my mom tells me all the time---” It hit him like a ton of bricks then. He was , being flirted with. Seth felt himself blush as he hung his head.

“Hey---hey,” he heard Valentino’s voice, much softer now. “Seth?”

Seth looked up.

“They don’t know, do they? Your family?”

Seth felt his eyes fill with tears then, which absolutely infuriated him, because what would Valentino think of him now? He couldn’t answer, so he just shook his head and looked back down at his hands and waited for his friend to get up and leave. Instead, he stood and came and joined Seth at the other side of the table.

“How long have you known?” Valentino asked him softly. Seth took a deep breath. This would mean admitting it to someone other than his tiny nephew, but something about the way Valentino asked...made it feel okay.

“I...I never really thought about it one way or another until a few months ago,” he finally whispered.

“It took me a really long time to be able to face my parents,” Valentino confided. “God, I was so scared. Because I didn’t WANT to be gay. I didn’t want to have to go through all this, I didn’t want to tell anyone, I didn’t know how it might change things...and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But...I know it was the right thing. You have to be ready though.”

There were so many things Seth wanted to say then. He wanted to blurt out everything, how he’d been abused, how horrible it had been in the group home, how much his parents’ approval meant to him, what it had been like in London when Blake had kissed him unexpectedly and he hadn’t hated it and how ever since he’d been doubting everything he thought he knew about himself, but he found he couldn’t speak. Luckily, it seemed he wouldn’t have to.

“I really like you, Seth,” Valentino murmured. “But I get it. I know how hard this is. So...promise me something. I’ll make you a deal. Sometime, when you’re ready, talk to me about this. If you promise you’ll talk to me about this, I promise I’ll listen and I’ll help you if you need it.”

Finally Seth looked up.

“Why?”

“Why?” Valentino seemed confused.

“Why would you help me?”

“Because we’re friends now. Because I do, Seth, I like you a lot, and because...I know how you feel. I’m not going to tell you not to be afraid because damn if I don’t know that’s impossible. But...it WILL be okay.”

Seth inhaled shakily and looked at Valentino.

“Thank you,” he mumbled. “Thank you. I...I’ll tell you. Sometime I’ll tell you...everything.”


	110. Connecting the Dots

Dean’s first day of school was very, very, very different from Seth’s. 

First of all, he was pretty much certain that if one more person asked him where Jessie was, he would probably vomit, but the rumors seemed to be true. She wasn’t there. He hadn’t been all that worried about seeing her, honestly, although the idea did leave a bitter taste in his mouth. 

The main thing was though, he missed Finn. It didn’t help that, after a fussy night, the baby woke up happy, but then started to cry the second Dean handed him over to his Gigi. It was agonizing, the drive to school. He wasn’t sure he heard a word that any of his teachers said. He texted his mother and waited anxiously for her response between every single class. And every single time, her response was similar:

We’re just fine, sweetie. Relax and enjoy your day!

Relax. Enjoy. Right.

She just didn’t get it; how could she? 

A couple of times, though, her responses included pictures. In the first, Finn was sound asleep, mouth slightly open and little fist resting under his chin. Dean melted a little. In the second, he was wide awake and smirking just a little bit. This gave Dean an idea.

He’d never really done a photo shoot with Finn. OF COURSE there were tons of pictures, but Dean was a photographer after all---why shouldn’t he take a few pics? The baby boy was a month old that day, and it gave him something to think about while he sat and waited not so patiently for the clock to move faster. 

The second the final bell rang, Dean bolted to his car. He was met at the door by his mother, holding his sleeping son in her arms. She handed him over and grinned at Dean.

“He was such a good boy, sweetie. He was a little grumpy after you left so we went outside and took a little walk and then he settled right down. How was your day?”

Dean tried not to burst into tears, and he thought he did a rather good job of not showing what he was feeling, but there was just no fooling his mother.

“Oh, baby...what is it?”

“I...don’t think I can do it, Mom,” he whispered. “I can’t...my day was miserable. I couldn’t stop thinking about Finn. I was so worried, all day long, and it’s not that I don’t think you take good care of him---you take great care of him---but I’m his father. It’s my job to...and then everyone kept asking about Jessie. Jessie, Jessie, Jessie. I don’t even know where Jessie IS right now. And I wouldn’t want to talk about it even if I did. It’s nobody’s business but everybody knows. Kids, teachers, the principal---everyone. I hate the way they all looked at me. Like they felt sorry for me. Or like I’ve done something wrong. I don’t want to go back. I just want to stay home and take care of my kid.”

Lily looked at Dean squarely. He fully expected her to get tough with him then, at least to tell him that quitting school wasn’t an option, but instead she actually grinned at him.

“Welcome to parenthood,” she began. “Let me ask you something. When I still worked, all of those times that we sent you to the Community Center after school, did you ever once feel like I’d abandoned you, didn’t love you, or anything of that sort?”

“I---no,” Dean replied slowly, already seeing where she was headed with this. “I was with Roman and Seth, I was having fun, I was safe, and I knew you’d come for me.”

“So you were just fine,” Lily said calmly. “Meanwhile, I was riddled with guilt. Every damn day.”

“You---were?”

“Dean, listen. Every family has their own situation that’s unique for them. Some parents really want to work, and some really want to stay home, and some want to stay home but can’t. I loved my job a lot. I helped a lot of people. But once you boys were here...I didn’t stop loving it, but I did start to resent it, because no matter how badly I wanted to, I just couldn’t be in two places at once.”

“Well...why didn’t you quit sooner?”

“Because you kids aren’t free, for one. Daddy gets paid well, but there are always expenses especially with three college-bound kids. And someday, he wants to retire too. By the time Seth came along, I’d worked long enough to go part-time and still put back money for when we retire, as well as contribute to family vacations and things. Now we’ve invested wisely and I’m comfortable with not working financially, and above all else, you guys need me. But I really did love my job, bud. I was good at it. It just...It’s one of those things that makes being a grown up so hard.”

“Because you have to do things you don’t want to do…” Dean murmured, gazing down at the sleeping baby in his arms. He wanted a wonderful future for Finn, more than anything. And that would, in all likelihood, mean going to college and getting a degree and a good job, or going to a trade school so that he could learn that, or something. It was starting to make sense.

“We all have to do things we don’t want to do sometimes,” Lily replied. “That’s just a part of life. What you have to do as a grown up is juggle all of it and decide what’s most important, and find a way to make it work. But Dean, we will make it work. I guess what I’m trying to get at is, I understand how you feel. I didn’t want to leave you kids at the Community Center even though I knew how much fun you had. I waited so long for you guys that I really felt I was losing time. But it needed to be done, and in the end, I’ve always been thankful that I found a safe place for you guys to go. Now you have responsibilities too and baby boy, so far in the last month, I’ve seen you step up to the plate and make me more proud than I have ever been. You’ve taken this responsibility on like a champ and this baby right here is thriving because his daddy loves him and understands that he’s gotta take good care of him. But you’re still a teenager, Dean. You’ve gotta find a good balance.”

“It’s hard,” Dean whispered. Lily smiled at him.

“Damn right it’s hard. But you can do it; I know you can. And Dean? You don’t have to answer one single question about Jessie if you don’t want to. It’s totally okay to say that’s not anyone else’s business.”

“I know, I just...I feel like if I don’t answer their questions, they’ll make their own wrong assumptions.”

“Well...let them. Or set them straight. Just know that you don’t owe anyone anything, baby boy.”

Dean sighed. He did feel a little better after talking to his mother; Finn was just fine and yes, he was in a safe place. Dean knew that his mother would give him everything he needed, and he trusted her to keep him involved and just work together. 

“Hey---Mom?”

“Yeah, sweetie?”

“I want to do a real photo shoot with Finn tonight. Will you help me?”

Lily’s eyes lit up then.

“Yeah---of course. What did you have in mind?”

“Well, I was thinking about it and I think a lot of stuff can be done while he’s sleeping. Is that lame?”

“Nope. Sleeping baby pictures are adorable and odds are he’s going to be awake every other time after this first one.”

“That’s what I thought too. So listen, I want to see if I can kind of...like fold him up and nestle him in my bike helmet and stuff. I want a good picture of him in his who’s your daddy onesie...and then I kind of want something to take a pic with him that I can do every month to show how he’s grown. I was thinking about that soft teddy bear that Seth got him…”

“All lovely ideas, Dean. This is gonna be fun.”

Together with his mother’s help, Dean took all of the pictures he wanted and more; the bike helmet shots were fantastic but his favorite, he thought, was what he did with the bear. Since Finn was still so tiny, they ended up laying him on the bear so they were belly to belly. Finn slept through the whole thing. He even took a few pics of Finn naked; booty shots, as his mother called them. When they were finished, he showed them to Lily on his laptop and she got tears in her eyes.

“You really do have a knack for this, sweetie,” she murmured. “I’d buy every one of these. Have you given any more thought to your portfolio? I really think you could market yourself. At least start building a customer base. You could honestly have a career in photography if you wanted to. I really believe that.”

Dean just smiled.

 

___________________________________________________

 

Adjusting to a new baby in the house wound up easier than Tony could ever have dreamed. 

Dean was a good dad. No, a great dad. It wasn’t that Tony had doubted this, ever; he knew that his son would love his baby, and do everything he could to nurture him. But Dean was just a kid himself, and he had no real experience with babies. It had occurred to Tony more than once that he and Lily may have to step in frequently, just because they knew what to do. And it wasn’t that Dean wasn’t without his questions, but he definitely took his responsibility seriously. Tony didn’t remember him growing up, but he sure had.

Finn was clearly happy and healthy. As he grew, he began to smile more. He was still small; Tony suspected he always would be, but by six weeks old, he finally managed to fit into 0-3 month clothes, though there was plenty of room to spare. He got into a good routine. Dean didn’t put him on a schedule but Finn sort of made his own. He’d usually fall asleep at night around 8 while he ate, and then he’d almost always sleep until about midnight, at which time he’d usually wake and demand a snack. Dean would give him a bottle and lay him back down, and he’d fall asleep again with a full belly. Most nights, he’d sleep until between 5 and 6, which gave Dean a good rest as well.

Then Tony got to take over and he’d give Finn a bottle while Dean got ready for school. A lot of mornings Seth would join him, and they’d talk about school or girls or just whatever his youngest wanted to discuss. Lately his boy seemed alternately withdrawn and happy; moody was probably the right word, and while he didn’t ever disclose why, Tony used this as an opportunity to remind his youngest that he loved him and that he was there. Seth would always smile.

“I know,” he said one morning. “I just...sometimes I feel so mixed up. Like...I’m not unhappy. I’m not, Dad, I’m really not. It’s just that I feel so confused sometimes.”

“What about?” Tony had asked him, as he lifted baby Finn up to his shoulder for a burp.

Seth appeared to carefully consider the question before answering,

“School. Relationships. Who I really am. And who I’m really meant to be. I don’t know; just...everything. Life is baffling.”

“Well, growing up can be complicated,” Tony replied. “You’re coming into your own, son; you’re not a little kid anymore and with that comes a whole new set of responsibilities and expectations and yeah. I can agree, that can definitely be baffling. You’ve got big decisions to make about college and there’ve been some huge changes at home...is there anything I can do, Seth? Anything at all that I can do to help you sort things out?”

His son looked pained for a moment, like for just a split second, he wanted to say something but wasn’t sure he should or could. Tony offered him the baby, and Seth gladly scooped Finn up.

“I don’t...I don’t know. Some things...but then there are some things that...that I just think I have to figure out on my own,” Seth whispered. Tony smiled at him.

“You don’t EVER have to be on your own, Seth,” he said. “But I get what you’re saying and I respect it. You’re becoming a man, son. You’re becoming a man that I am so incredibly proud of and you are going to do amazing things and it’s okay to be uncertain. Your mom and I love you and we’re always here for you, and as long as you know that you can come to me for absolutely anything, then you take your time figuring it out. There’s no hurry, buddy.”

Seth offered a small smile and Tony had hugged him and planted a kiss on baby Finn’s cheek. 

He headed off to work without ever seeing the pained look on his youngest son’s face.

A few nights later, the family suited up and went out to Roman’s first home game.

They all wore their Cougar gear, including Finn, who was a gem the entire time (he slept through most of it). It was oddly satisfying to watch his son play football on the same field Tony and his wife had sat and watched so many years earlier. As per tradition, Dean and Seth made posterboard signs and Megan joined the group. Everyone took turns passing the baby around and when Roman ran for a touchdown, they all screamed and hollered. It was just like when their oldest had been in high school. 

Another newcomer also joined their midst: Seth had asked the night before if he could invite a friend from school. 

Of course Tony and Lily both knew of Valentino; they knew that Seth had decided to mentor a new student that year and they had encouraged it because while Seth got along well with most people, he didn’t have very many true, good friends. When he’d come home after the first day with a big smile on his face, they’d both hoped that perhaps this new boy would become someone that Seth could pal around with, go to parties with, double date with, and just generally enjoy the high school experience with. Of course there was always Dean, but with Finn here, neither of them was too sure that their middle child was going to be all that interested in school functions. They’d decided to just wait and see.

But Seth and Valentino seemed to become fast friends; Seth had come home and explained that his new buddy was into drama and that rumor had it the fall production was going to be Othello, and they both intended to try out for the play. Valentino, Seth proclaimed, wasn’t terribly excited to play sports but did enjoy watching them, so when he had asked if he could invite him to Roman’s game, neither parent had hesitated to say yes.

Now, Tony couldn’t help but notice how relaxed Seth seemed and it made him happy. And even Valentino took a turn cradling Finn, proclaiming that he was an only child but had many younger cousins and was no stranger to infants. Tony enjoyed talking to him, too. Although he didn’t have any brothers or sisters of his own, his extended family was large. He’d transferred to Creek Ridge because, he’d claimed, his prior school had become a bit too “cutthroat for my liking.” 

Tony wondered what that meant but he didn’t pry; he’d just met the kid after all. 

 

___________________________________________

 

Roman really liked college---mostly. 

He didn’t have to be there until 9 am so he got to sleep in an hour later than he had in high school. He loved the fact that he was done with class by noon most days   
and that gave him a two hour break before football practice began to go out to lunch with Megan, or to sit in one of the many common areas and study or do homework. It meant that most evenings, he was done by the time football practice was over, and he could go home and play video games or hang out with his brothers or Finn, or go over to Megan’s, or take her out. 

He wasn’t a fan of football games being on Saturdays now; an afternoon game took up the whole day, especially if it was an away game. But that was a small price to pay.

One sunny Tuesday afternoon in the middle of September, Megan showed up at his football practice.

She’d been to see the oncologist, Roman knew, and he almost left the field the second he saw her but instead he patiently waited until the coach dismissed them.   
Then he skipped the showers and hopped up into the stands. Megs didn’t say anything at first, but he could see by her eyes that whatever it was, the news wasn’t terrible.

“So,” Megan elbowed him playfully, and he pretended to elbow her back.

“So,” Roman replied and he smiled at her; he couldn’t help it. 

Five months of chemo and her hair still hadn’t fallen out; it was thinner and she had cut it into a much shorter style, which actually made her look older and sexier so Roman found he didn’t mind a bit. He’d offered again to cut his hair too and had been met with threats of violence, which had made him laugh because Megan was getting her feisty back; indeed, despite treatment, she did seem to be feeling better these days.

“So...I had my blood drawn,” she began solemnly, but with an unmistakable gleam in her eyes.

“Oh yeah?”

“Uh huh. My white cell count is 3,500…” Megan grinned at him sideways.

“That’s...but...that’s...low...right?” Roman’s eyes grew wide; he thought he knew what this meant.

“Yup!” Megan said gleefully. “That’s the lowest it’s been since this whole thing started. And that means the chemo is working.”

Tears immediately sprang to Roman’s eyes and he pulled his girl close.

“I have to go have a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow,” Megan continued, quieter now. “Roman...if...if there’s no more leukemia cells in me, then...I’ll be in remission.”

He couldn’t help it; the tears began to fall and the dampness on his shirt told him that Megan was crying too. After a moment, he lifted her chin so he could gaze into her eyes.

“I love you,” he whispered. “I’ve always loved you and I always will but remission...Megs…”

“I know,” she murmured. “I’m scared, though, Roman; I’m so scared because what if it’s not? What if it’s just that the chemo is killing all my cells and the cancer is still there? Dr. Gordon seemed so hopeful but what if...and the biopsy hurts…”

“Do you want me to go with you?” Roman asked her quietly, remembering that last time, her mother had gone in with her and he’d been forced to wait in the waiting room, and then listen to her pained cries afterwards.

Megan nodded.

“Yes. Yes, please, I do.”

“I’ll do whatever you need, baby. I’ll go find Coach Wilson right now and tell him I can’t go to practice because you need me. Don’t worry. No matter the outcome, I’m still going to love you more...more than anything or anyone, ever. Everything’s going to be fine, baby. You’ll see.”

The next day Roman found himself eating those words. 

Sitting with his girl, holding her hand while she cried from the pain, softly stroking her cheek and trying to soothe her---it all tangled his heart into a painful knot. But he was still thankful that he could be there for her. Afterwards, as she dozed in recovery, her mother joined them and they held her hands together. Julie looked tired, and Roman reached for her hand.

“It’s gonna be good,” he said softly. “It’s gonna be good. I can just tell.”

The next day, Roman got up and went to class. Meg was supposed to stay in bed and still for 24 hours after the procedure, but he went with the promise that he’d take really good notes in psychology and algebra for her. As he settled into his usual seat in the psychology classroom, he found himself looking around to really take it in.

Twice a week, he sat in this room but Megan was always with him, and until now, he’d never really observed any of the other kids in the class. He wouldn’t be able to pick them out of a line up, or anything like that. Shortly after he sat down, a girl came in. 

He’d noticed her before; she usually sat in front of him and Megan, but he hadn’t caught her name. This time when he caught sight of her, a strange thought hit him. 

She looked familiar. 

Well, of course she does, you dope, Roman told himself. You’ve had class together for over a month now. Really you should have introduced yourself ages ago.

So when class was over, he walked up to her.

“Hey...you usually sit in front of my girlfriend and me, and I don’t know a whole lot of kids yet,” he began. “I’m Roman. I noticed the syllabus says we’ll have to do a group project pretty soon. Have you given it any thought yet?”

The girl smiled at him.

“No, I haven’t,” she replied. “I don’t know too many kids yet either; most of my high school friends went to school out of town. Roman...you play football, don’t you?”

Roman nodded.

“Yeah...I’m on the team,” he said.

“Well, I’m Natalie. Natalie Flores. It’s nice to meet you. Where is your girlfriend?”

“She’s out sick today---had a medical procedure done yesterday and she’s still recovering but she’ll be back on Tuesday next week. We should get together and find another person to group with us. It’d be nice to have a group in place when the assignment actually gets handed out…”

“Yeah...you’re right, it would,” Natalie smiled at him and for the millionth time he swore he’d seen that smile someplace before. He couldn’t figure it out and it was going to drive him crazy. 

Once home that evening, Roman called Megan, who said she felt a lot better. They made plans for him to pick her up on the way to class in the morning and chatted a bit, and then he got up and went to find his mother. She was sitting in her office working on something he didn’t recognize.

“Hey, kiddo,” she said. “How are ya?”

“I’m okay...how’re you?”

“I’m great. Daddy and I are talking about going to New York for Christmas and I’ve been researching flights. But what’s up? How’s Megan?”

“She sounded a lot better. I’m going to get her in the morning on the way to class. Mama?”

“Yes?”

“You’re a doctor...if it turns out that there are still leukemia cells in her, what will happen?”

Roman’s mother smiled at him softly and offered him a hug.

“She’ll stay on chemo for awhile then,” she said gently. “And Ro, you’ve gotta know, that’s still a pretty good possibility and if that happens, that doesn’t mean she isn’t going to get better, okay? She’s young and strong and really doing pretty well. As bad as it sucks, five months on chemo really isn’t that long. We’ll just have to wait and see. Why don’t you take her out tomorrow night? Have some fun? I’ll bet it takes your mind off of everything.”

“Actually, I was thinking...I was thinking maybe she and I could volunteer to watch Finn for the evening and maybe you and Dad could take Dean out. Just to get him a break, you know? Go to a movie or something. I think between us and Seth we could probably handle it.”

“If you can even get Seth,” Lily replied with a smile. “He’s been spending a lot of time doing guy stuff with Valentino.”

Roman hoped his face didn’t betray him.

“Well, either way, I think we can take on Finn. I just want to make sure Dean’s still getting to have a life.”

“You’re a good brother, Ro. I’ll talk to Dean and see what he says. In the meantime, would you go start dinner? There’s hamburger and seasonings in the kitchen and we need to put some burgers together.”

Roman nodded and as he stood to go, his eyes landed on something.

A photograph. Of two little girls, both smiling, and all of a sudden it hit Roman like a ton of bricks that he knew where he’d seen that smile before. Natalie Flores. The twins his parents had almost adopted years ago were Natalie and Audrey. Could it...could it be?


	111. Look What the Cat Dragged In

“What do you mean, you think you’ve met Natalie?” Seth looked at Roman, incredulous. 

It was Friday night. Their parents had gone on a date. Roman, Dean, and Seth were sitting around the kitchen table with three half-eaten pizzas in the middle. Dean was holding Finn. As a rule, they tried not to hold him while they were eating, lest anything hot fall on the baby, but they were basically full by then. They could still pack it in, though, and the leftovers would be gone by the end of the weekend.

“I don’t know, I just...her name is Natalie Flores,” Roman began. “She’s in my psychology class. I don’t know a lot of kids in the class really but I started talking to her yesterday and the whole time I kept thinking I knew her from somewhere. Then I went into Mom’s office when I got home and saw that picture---you know the one, she keeps it on her shelf, they’re wearing the matching yellow dresses…”

Seth was familiar with it.

“So...but why do you think it’s them?” Dean wanted to know.

“It was the smile. She smiled at me yesterday and it was the same smile...dammit, maybe I’m wrong, but what if I’m not? What do we do?” 

The three brothers paused. Seth mulled the question over.

“I don’t know…”

“I feel like I need to know for sure before I say anything to Mom and Dad,” Roman said quietly. “Because what if I’m wrong? Worse, what if I’m right and Natalie just doesn’t want anything to do with them? I mean I don’t even know if she HAS a sister, but I just can’t not say anything. They would’ve been our sisters. Mom was so devastated that she waited years before fostering again, and that’s when they got me.”

Seth considered this, too, but a terrible idea was forming.

What would’ve happened if his parents had never lost the twins?

Obviously, they never would have adopted HIM. 

Seth figured they probably would have still gotten Roman; he’d been the first of the boys and probably they still would have taken Dean in, because Dean still would’ve met Roman at the Community Center, and he probably would have completed the family nicely. But what about Seth? 

Where would he have ended up?

And maybe even worse: what if the twins wanted to reunite with his parents? He’d just decided it was time to tell them about his sexuality and that he wanted to ask Valentino out on a date, but now he more or less couldn’t, because what if in their disappointment, they concluded that they were better off without him?

Seth felt his heart begin to race; this whole thing had disaster written all over it and he knew he had to say something.

“I don’t think you should say anything,” he finally spoke up. “You’re right; if it goes badly, Mom will be devastated all over again. I don’t think any of us wants that. I mean, it was years ago when all of this even happened. Who’s to say the twins even remember Mom and Dad? Wouldn’t Natalie have made the connection if it was really her? Girardi isn’t exactly a common last name…” 

Roman looked at Seth. Dean raised his eyebrows. But Seth tried to look confident in his statement, and eventually, Roman nodded.

“I guess it would be smart to keep quiet, at least until I can figure out some more information...I won’t say anything. For now.”

“Okay, then we won’t either...for now,” Dean said. “But if it IS them, I really think Mom and Dad deserve to know.” He looked down at Finn, now sleeping in his arms. “Maybe it’s just because I’m a father now too, but...if I ever lost him, I think I’d be a wreck if I didn’t at least know that he was okay. That would be worse than never seeing him again.”

This gave Seth a pang of guilt, but he still knew he couldn’t risk his parents finding this out.

Later that night, a horrendous thing happened, one that rocked Seth to his core and further solidified his sentiment that his parents not ever find out about Natalie Flores.

His mother and father arrived home, and the first thing Lily had done was run to the baby. 

Seth was already feeling fragile, and he wasn’t proud of it, but he was also feeling a little bit...it wasn’t that he was jealous of baby Finn. He wasn’t. He just needed   
his mother for him right then, and seeing her pass him by to get to his nephew hurt just a little. 

That was bad enough, but it wasn’t the worst part. 

Finn’s face lit up the second he saw her, and he wiggled his arms and legs. Then he smiled, and it made Lily laugh. It was cute when he grinned, all toothless and gummy and sometimes he smiled so big, his tongue stuck out. Seth understood that Finn was irresistible, but...couldn’t she have tried just a little harder?

Lily picked the baby up and cuddled him.

“How’s Gigi’s boy? Hmm? Are you Gigi’s little man? Why yes you are!” 

Finn was grinning like a dope now, and Dean began to laugh.

“Guess he knows who loves him, huh?” Seth heard his brother say.

“Oh, I do. I love those cheeks. I love to smooch them,” Lily grinned and Tony did too, and Finn’s smile never wavered.  
“There you are,” Lily cooed again to the baby in her arms. “There you are! I missed you! How are you, my little bub?”

Seth recoiled instantly, horrified; what the HELL? HE was his mother’s bub. Him. Seth. NOT baby Finn. What did this mean? Did she know? Was she trying to replace him already? Surely not, but then...but then…

As far as Seth could recall, he had only seen that look of adoration on his mother’s face once before, and that was when she first saw pictures of Seth as a baby...did she wish she had another baby, one of her own?

You’re overthinking it, the voice in his head told him. She wasn’t thinking about it; she was just excited to be home. No one could ever replace you. You know that. Just calm down.

And then Seth heard a different voice in his head.

What do you mean, CALM DOWN? She called the new baby the same thing she called you because you’re disgusting and she obviously wishes you weren’t around. You need to start distancing yourself now…

He didn’t know what to do. And worst of all, his mother didn’t even notice her slip. 

So Seth went to his room, curled up on his bed, and fell asleep.

The next morning, he had a text from Valentino:

_I’ve been thinking about you a lot. Wanna go to the movies tonight?_

A date?

With another guy…

Seth’s heart began to pound again. 

On one hand, he really did want to go out with Valentino and he was actually kind of annoyed that Valentino had asked him first. But on the other hand, that meant...that meant not only admitting that he was gay, but accepting it and he sure couldn’t do that. Why did it all have to be so complicated?

Before he could even really think about it, he texted back:

_Listen...I’m sorry. But I’m just not ready yet…_

Seth turned his phone off before Valentino could send a response.

Now he’d done it.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Like any mother, it bothered Lily when one of her children was troubled. It bothered her more when she couldn’t fix it, and it bothered her the most when she didn’t even know what was wrong to begin with.

But perhaps more than anything else, it bothered her when her baby wouldn’t talk to her about it.

Seth was clearly conflicted about something, and Lily had absolutely no clue what. She tried to talk to him; she slipped into is room on Saturday morning to find him curled up in a tiny ball, holding his pillow, face hidden behind his hair.

“Baby?” Lily murmured, sitting down beside him. “Bub?”

He’d stiffened then and somehow curled up even tighter.

“I don’t want you to call me that. I don’t want to be called that anymore,” he whispered. “My name is Seth.”

“Oh, bu-Seth...I’ll call you whatever you want me to call you, baby, but that’s not what this is; what’s wrong?”

He was quiet for while, but he let her lay beside him and run her fingers through his hair. Lily could sense his confusion; he seemed angry and sad and maybe a bit afraid, but he made no move to explain. 

“I’m here,” she murmured quietly. “Please talk to me.”

Seth rolled over and looked into her eyes. He seemed to be searching for something. She smiled at him softly, but her son remained stoic.

“I messed up,” he simply murmured.

Lily offered him her arms, but for the first time in years, Seth stayed where he was. What WAS this?

“Seth, you know that no matter what you do, your Dad and I love you so much and no matter what you do, nothing will ever change that,” she whispered softly.

“I...know. I know that, I just...you wouldn’t understand…”

“Well, of course not; you haven’t told me,” she whispered. Seth just shook his head.

“What can I do? What do you need? Do you want to go see Adria again?” Seth just shook his head.

“No. Mama?”

“Yes?”

“I’m going to try out for the school play soon. It’s Othello. Do you...do you think I can get a part?”

Relief flooded Lily; was this all? Her baby was nervous? It hardly seemed as though this could be all there was to it, but it had to be a start.

“Seth, I think that if you work on it, you absolutely can get a part.”

“But Valentino is going to try out too and he did drama at his school before.”

“So?”

“And I’ve never tried out for anything before…”

“So? Just because you never have doesn’t mean you never can. Everyone has to start somewhere. Did I ever tell you that I played Bianca once?”

“You did? Who played Iago? Dad?”

“Nope, this was before I met Dad. Iago was a kid named Brian and Othello was a guy named Joseph Woodward. I never thought he was very good, but the real star was Desdemona, who was played by Colleen Brody, and Joseph was Colleen’s boyfriend.”

“Were you in high school?” Seth asked.

“Yes I was. That was my Sophomore year, I believe. I’d done drama before, like speech contents and stuff but that was my very first play.”

“I like speech,” Seth said suddenly. “I didn’t think I would and I don’t really want to compete, but I do like putting presentations together. And Valentino’s in my class. We’re going to work on a humorous duet next month.”

“Oh yeah?” Seth had slowly begun to snuggle closer to her, and Lily was feeling even more relieved. “Valentino is a good friend for you.”

“I think...yeah. I think he is,” Seth replied quietly.

“You’re going to be amazing, my baby,” Lily spoke quietly into her son’s ear. “I love you so much, Seth William. So very much.”

“I love you too, Mom,” Seth’s demeanor had almost completely changed; he was calm and relaxed, settled against her, and she smiled down at him.

“It’s been kind of hard around here lately, huh?” Lily decided to venture a little further. “With the baby and all...do you feel like it’s been kind of stressful?”

Seth sighed deeply.

“Everything is changing,” he said.

“And that’s not easy,” Lily replied.

“No but...I love Finn. I didn’t know I could love him so much, but I do. I love him. It’s...it’s everything else.”

Lily could sense a breakthrough coming, perhaps some inkling of what was truly bothering her baby---but then Dean burst through Seth’s bedroom door.

The mask came back over Seth’s face once again as he once again curled up, away from his mother.

She started to ask Dean to give them some time, until she noticed the look on his face, and that he was cradling Finn, who was whimpering.

“She’s here,” he whispered.

“Who’s here?” Lily was confused. Seth looked on, wide-eyed.

“She’s...Jessie. She’s here. She’s here and she can’t have Finn. You have to hide him. You have to hide him while I go tell he that she can’t have him.”

Dean’s eyes were wild, terrified, and Lily reached for Finn, then handed him to Seth.

“It’s okay, Dean. She can’t take him. It’s...did she say anything?”

“No...I don’t know, I didn’t wait, I just...she can’t have him. Right Mom? She left us. She can’t have him? Can she?”

The truth was, yes, Jessie probably could have baby Finn, but Lily would be damned if she’d allow that. Not now. Not today.

“Seth,” she said quietly, gently lifting Finn from Dean’s arms. “Seth, can you hold him? Please? Just keep an eye on him for a little bit? Dean, come on.”

Seth nodded and while Lily noticed the look that pained his face, she simply kissed his forehead. As important as Seth was, and he was, at that moment, she knew she had to help Dean.

 

_____________________________________________

 

Dean had been up for a few hours, had fed Finn two bottles, had changed three diapers, read two picture books, and had numerous baby snuggles, all before the doorbell rang.

The last person he expected to see was Jessie Covian.

He was alone with Mom, Seth, and the baby; Roman was with Megan and Dad had gone grocery shopping. As he stood there, face to face with the girl who had given birth to his son, the girl that in spite of himself, he still loved, she gazed back at him, and at the bundle in his arms.

“He’s gotten big,” she whispered. 

The truth was, Finn was not big; he was still at the bottom of all the size charts, but he’d definitely grown in the six or so weeks since Jessie had last seen him, so Dean had to give her that. What he didn’t have to give her was the time of day, and in his anguish, he opted not to.

“What do you want?” This was his only response.

“I...Dee...I just…”

“You can’t have him,” Dean interrupted.

“I...what?” Jessie seemed confused.

“In fact...wait here,” Dean whispered. He took the baby back to Seth’s bedroom so he could leave him with his mother.

When he returned, Lily in tow, Jessie was still standing in the entryway.

“Okay. So what...why are you here? You can’t have him,” Dean reminded her again.

“Dean,” Lily’s voice was way calmer than it should be. “Why don’t we go sit down in the living room. Jessie? Would you like something to drink?”

“No...no, thank you,” she murmured. “I can’t believe how he’s grown…”

Dean was floored; was she really here doing this? Was she really here, looking him in the eye and making small talk after she’d abandoned him with their tiny child?

“What do you want?” Dean asked her again. This time, Jessie’s eyes filled with tears, but Dean couldn’t find it in him to feel sympathy, even though there was still a part of him that wanted to just hug her.

“Dean,” Mom’s voice was still soft, gentle, and he shook that thought off. Jessie had betrayed him, and she had betrayed Finn, and she didn’t deserve a damn thing from him.

“C’mon, Dean,” Lily repeated. “Jessie, come on. Let’s go sit down.”

Reluctantly, Dean agreed.

Once seated in the living room, he and his mother both looked expectantly at Jessie.

“I...I didn’t come to take him…” Jessie whispered. “I just...I just wanted to tell you...that I’m going to be leaving Houston for awhile. Brett and I are going to live with our great-aunt in Florida...I just wanted to see him one last time. That’s all, I swear. I have no intention of taking him away from you. He looks like...you’re doing a good job, Dean. He’s where he needs to be.”

“Save it,” Dean said flatly. “You’re right; he’s exactly where he needs to be, no thanks to you, and you can say whatever you want to say but you’re not going to butter me up.”

“I’m not trying to butter you up. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.”

He snorted.

“Sorry? You abandoned our son and all you’ve got is sorry?”

“I can’t...give him what he needs,” Jessie answered him. “I can’t give you what you need, I...I can’t.”

“Would’ve been nice if you’d tried. You know, this whole thing has been terrifying,” Dean accused. “I wasn’t supposed to have to do this without you.”  
Jessie looked down at her hands.

“I know,” her voice was soft. “I just...I didn’t come here today to upset you. I just wanted you to know that I didn’t...it’s not because of you. It’s not because of Finn. It’s because of me, because I couldn’t handle it.”

“So basically what I’m getting is it’s not you, it’s me...and that’s it?” Dean was incredulous. 

“It’s all I have, Dee,” Jessie replied. “I love you. I will always love you and I will always love him but I’m not cut out for this and I can only do him wrong. Brett   
needs me too and he only has me; Finn has you and everyone in your life. Dean, please...please. I want...I just want you to understand. Dean, please.”

“Well, I don’t,” Dean snapped petulantly. “And I don’t forgive you either, in case you even care. So you go off to wherever and just leave us alone.”

He was bitter. He knew deep down he shouldn’t be, but he was, definitely, because how dare she?

“I know you don’t forgive me,” she said. “I don’t expect you to forgive me. I just wanted you to know that...that you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Dee. Can I please...please can I just see him? Just once? I swear, I’ll stay out of your hair after that.”

Dean knew he was letting his heart speak for his head, but he looked Jessie straight in the eyes.

“No,” he said coldly. “You could’ve seen him every day for the last seven weeks. You chose to bail. So go on.”

Guilt consumed him as he noticed Jessie’s eyes fill with tears, but he couldn’t do it. No way was he going to drag his son into this. If Jessie wanted absolution, she wasn’t going to get it. Not today, and maybe not ever.


	112. Big Brother, Baby Brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feels alert! Because apparently, some people don't like having feelings in public. ;)

Megan and Roman went to IHOP for breakfast; the idea was they’d have a study date over French toast, eggs, bacon, and pancakes, but in truth, there was not much studying to be done. Instead, Megan listened as Roman told her about his suspicions about Natalie Flores.

“Babe, you’ve got to tell Lily and Tony,” Megan immediately said. “So what if you’re wrong?”

Roman looked at her, resignation etched in his face.

“I just...I know I’m right,” he murmured. “I can just feel it. I just don’t know how they’ll take it or what they’ll say, or what the twins might want or say and my mom will be so devastated if they don’t want anything to do with my parents after all of these years.”

“How long has it been?” Megan asked him softly. 

“Well..let’s see...in February it’ll be nine years since they brought me home…”

Roman paused, and Megan could see emotion course through him.

“Wow,” she whispered. “Nine years? That in itself seems like forever.”

Roman smiled softly.

“Yeah. It does. The best kind of forever. I think all of that went down about two years before me, so that makes it 11 years? Roughly? I mean, I don’t know the exact dates, but that seems right.”

Megan got up, rounded the table, sat down next to her boyfriend, and hugged him.

“I understand that you’re concerned. I would be too. I just think that if it was me, I’d want to know that they’re okay. I mean I know you have no idea what their life has been like but Natalie’s in college so that says something; it has to.”

“Yeah...yeah, you’re right. And Dean said it too; he said the worst thing that could ever happen to him would be not knowing if Finn was alright. Seth though...Seth says we shouldn’t say anything. He’s worried about how Mom might take it.”

“I’m sure he is. He’s...Roman, you know I love Seth, very much, but he’s insecure himself. How do you think he feels about all of this?”

Roman shook his head.

“I don’t know. I don’t think...Seth has something else on his mind lately. Megs...I think he’s gay.”

Megan arched an eyebrow; this was new.

“Okay...why do you think that?”

“I heard him, a few weeks ago, telling the baby that he thinks he likes boys.”

Forget arched eyebrows; now Megan’s jaw completely dropped.

“Did you talk to him about it?”

“No, of course not,” Roman replied.

Megan sat stunned for a moment before continuing.

“Oh, babe, why NOT?”

“Because I don’t think he wants to talk about it or wouldn’t he have brought it up?”

Megan sighed.

“Rooooommmannnnnnn...think about this,” she said. “Think about Seth for a minute. How would you feel if you thought you were gay?”

“I don’t know; I’m not. Gay, I mean.”

“I know but just...humor me. Let’s say that you’re Seth. You’re the youngest. The oldest is a total stud, the middle has a baby, and then here you are trying to compete with that. You’ve been through what can only be described as hell in your early childhood. You know you’re predisposed to schizophrenia. And THEN you start having feelings for people of the same sex. What do you do?”

“I…” Roman seemed to be considering the question, and Megan reached out for his hand. “I guess I hide it as well as I can until I just can’t anymore.”

“Bingo.”

“But first of all, who says he has to compete? No one expects him to do that.”

“No one except him.”

“But why?” Roman seemed baffled; such a boy. 

“I don’t know, but it’s something siblings do. Katie hates being younger than I am; she always says she never does anything as well. Personally, I just don’t see it; first of all I don’t think anyone has ever expected her to do things the way I do them, and second, she has plenty of things that she’s better at. But she feels like she’s somehow inefficient because she’s the youngest. And I’m pretty certain she’s not the only youngest child to feel that way.”

“Well no, it used to be like that with Dean,” Roman mumbled. “But I don’t think Seth has ever...unless he’s been trying and we just haven’t been listening.”

“Maybe he’s afraid to try; I don’t know. My point, though, is that if he’s been hiding THIS? This is huge, it’d have to be. He needs to know his big brother is there for him.”

“Of course I’m there for him. I don’t give a rat’s ass who Seth wants to go out with as long as they treat him good…”

“I know. But he needs to know it too, Roman. That’s all I’m saying.”

Roman sighed.

“I guess you’re right, I just...I don’t know if I’m necessarily the one he’d even want to talk to. Considering how great a job I did of keeping Dean’s secret…”

“And maybe he’ll decide to say nothing. All you can do is give him the option, but at least he’ll know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s got an ally. He needs that.”

This time, Roman nodded.

“You’re awfully good at this,” he said with a smile. “Someday we’re going to have some damn lucky kids.”

Megan laughed.

“Well, I hope so,” she said. “But either way, we’ll always have Katie and Seth. I’ll talk to him with you if you want…”

Roman nodded. 

“Yeah...yeah. If he seems okay with it, then I think that’s a good idea.”

 

__________________________________________

 

Roman wasn’t too sure about this but Megan seemed certain and when he really thought about it, it did make sense. So he drove them out to his house, where the first thing he saw was Dean on the couch, holding Finn and sandwiched between their parents. His eyes were red-rimmed but he wasn’t crying. Roman looked to his mother, the question unasked but still shining in his eyes.

“Jessie was here,” she said simply, calmly. “Everything’s fine now.”

“Where is Seth?” Roman asked. 

“His bedroom,” she responded. 

Except he wasn’t.

His room was empty, so Roman returned to the living room.

“Are you sure? He’s not there.”

“He went outside,” Dean spoke up.

Roman nodded to him gratefully, and then he and Megan retreated out back.

Seth wasn’t hard to spot. He was sitting at the end of the dock, hugging his knees to his chest. Megan and Roman looked at each other and then she elbowed him gently.

“Meg, I don’t know,” Roman began. “I screwed everything up with Dean and the baby...what if Seth doesn’t WANT me to know? What if he doesn’t trust me?”

“But you DO know, Roman. You know whether he wants you to or not. I get it. But you still owe it to him to offer him an out. I just can’t imagine keeping that bottled up and who knows how long he’s realized how he feels?”

With a sigh, Roman forged ahead and when he reached the end of the dock and sat down, Seth didn’t even look up.

“Hey, brother,” Roman said quietly. Megan joined them.

“Hi, Seth. What are you doing?”

Seth didn’t respond for a minute, instead staring out at the water, before he finally said,

“She called the baby ‘bub’.”

“Who? Your mom?” Megan asked.

Seth nodded, eyes trained down to his feet. 

“I’m her bub.”

“Oh, Seth…” Roman hadn’t been prepared for THIS admission. “I’m sure she just wasn’t thinking. You know? Sometimes stuff just pops out.”

“I know that,” Seth whispered. “But it just...I needed to talk to her about something important, and then she did that, and then she kind of bailed on me when Jessie showed up and...I know Dean needed her but I did too…”

“Things are different lately now that the baby is here,” Roman wrapped an arm around Seth’s shoulders and was encouraged when Seth leaned into him. “But you got me right now. You got Megan and me right now, and Seth, honest, Mom and Dad haven’t forgotten you or anything. They’ve gotta adjust to the changes too, you know?”

“Maybe it would be better if they did forget me,” Seth’s voice was still soft, but he looked up towards his oldest brother and for the first time, Roman noticed the sadness in his eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“I just...there’s something I have to tell them. And I don’t know how they’re going to take it.”

“I can’t really think of anything you could tell them that would drive them away, Seth.”

“No, I know. I just...I don’t know.”

Seth went back to hugging his knees and staring out over the water, and behind his back, Megan rested a hand on Roman’s arm and shot him a meaningful look. Roman knew right then that he had to say it. He couldn’t let Seth suffer.

“Seth...brother...listen,” Roman said to him softly. “A few weeks ago, I...I heard you talking to Finn.”

Seth instantly tightened his grip on his knees and his entire body went rigid.

“I heard you tell him you think you might be gay,” Roman hurriedly went on. “And I think...I heard you say that you’re afraid of how Mom and Dad will take it. So what I wanted to tell you...what you need to know? I’m 100% certain that Mom and Dad aren’t going to care. I mean they’ll care of course because they love you and they want you to be happy. But they won’t love you any less. They won’t be disappointed. You’ll always be their son. But most importantly? I’m not any less proud of you, brother. I don’t love you any less. I’m not ashamed of you. And I don’t want you to hide from who you are. Nobody should have to do that.”

Seth turned to face Roman then and Roman could see the tears in his eyes.

“How do you know that they won’t be disappointed?”

“Because that’s just not how they are, brother,” Roman softly replied. 

“But I’m...after everything...I’m like the last kid who’s supposed to like boys. What if they’re as disgusted with me as I am with myself?” Seth moaned. Roman noticed that Megan was now softly rubbing Seth’s back, an action that Seth seemed okay with, so Roman went ahead and wrapped an arm around his brother and drew him close.

“Okay, first of all, being gay isn’t something that you choose, Seth. It’s not something that you can decide. Not really. You can fake it. You can fake it either way. But in the end, all of us are who we are. And there’s nothing wrong with who you are. You’re Seth. Seth, who is the smartest person I know. Seth, who is brave even when he’s afraid. Seth, who stepped out of his comfort zone to help a new student not be nervous. Seth, who is funny and easy to talk to. Seth, who can calm the baby with just one look. Seth, who can cook the most amazing food. Seth, animal whisperer. Seth, who’s always had my back. Whose back I’ll always have. Who puts others first. Who has a million wonderful qualities. Being gay or straight or bi or whatever---none of that is a negative, brother. What matters is that you are happy with whoever you choose---and it has to be your choice---and that you can make that person happy, too. And that doesn’t have anything to do with gender either. That’s just being a good person. And Seth, you ARE. You are a good person. I know there’ll be people who look down on you but there will always be people who do that for any number of reasons. The people who matter love you and we don’t want you to be anything you’re not. We just want you to be happy.”

Seth completely gave up on holding back at that point. The tears in his eyes overflowed and he buried himself into Roman, who wrapped his other arm around him and hugged him tight while his brother cried. Eventually he realized that Megan was hugging them both, and he could hear her softly whisper,

“It’s okay. Everything’s gonna be okay.”

Before long Seth inhaled shakily and turned to face them. The look on his face made Roman’s heart sink; had he made an impact on his brother at all? Indeed it appeared not at first, because Seth whispered,

“I just feel like such a freak.”

Roman sighed; he didn’t know what to say, but then Megan spoke up.

“Oh, Seth. Baby. Why does being a freak even have to be a bad thing, first of all, and second, why does it have to be decided by this?”

It was Seth’s turn to sigh.

“I know. I know you’re right, I just...why is it so scary?”

“Because sometimes being different is scary,” Megan replied. “And while I’m by no means saying your sexuality is wrong, I do understand why the idea of being with another guy might frighten you more than the average person. That’s why it’s important that you find someone who will take care of you and who you can be honest with and who will understand.”

“He asked me out. Valentino.”

“He did?” Roman’s curiosity was piqued; anyone who wanted to date his baby brother was going to have to live up to some pretty high standards but Megan, apparently recognizing his tone, gave him a gentle look.

“How do you feel about that, Seth?” Megan murmured.

“I...I told him I’m not ready,” Seth whispered.

“Was that true?”

“I...I don’t think it was...I just panicked. I haven’t even...I don’t know how he responded. I turned off my phone.”

Roman intervened.

“First of all, you know that you can date someone without it getting physical. Second of all, you know you like Valentino. And he seems like a nice kid. Does he know?”

Seth shook his head.

“No, he...he knows there’s something. And he said when I’m ready to tell him about it, I need to tell him and he’ll listen. And I believe him. Because he IS a nice kid. So maybe I should, but...but Roman?”

“Yeah?”

“I still don’t think I’m ready to tell Mom and Dad.”

“I’m not going to tell them, Seth. It’s okay---”

“No, I didn’t mean that,” he said, leaning his head against Roman’s shoulder again. “I just...like...I hate that I sound so jealous of Finn but he takes up so much of their time now and I get it, but I want to talk to them when they can really listen. You know?”

“Well, we need to just make it so they’ll listen,” Roman replied. “You deserve that; you’re their kid, and Finn has a father…”

“I know that but it’s okay, I just...I don’t like hiding things from them but I’m serious. I need their full attention. So I will tell them, I will, just...when I’m ready.”

“I won’t tell them, but you have to promise me you won’t let this shit eat you up. Because if you ever get hurt, I’m going to have to say something. And if you ever do get hurt, you’d better come to me. Because I’ll kill whoever does it.”

Seth smiled then for the first time since Roman and Megan had found him on the dock.

“It’s a deal,” he said. “I think I’m going to go call Valentino.” 

He got up and walked back towards the house and as he did, Roman and Megan watched him go. When Seth was out of sight, Megan turned to Roman with a soft smile on her face.

“You did good, big brother,” she told him quietly. “You did real good.”


	113. A Relationship Is Born

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: If you are a Seth hater, this is probably not your chapter.
> 
> I feel it vital to the growth of his character that he get the whole POV on this one. Dean's next!

When Seth turned his phone back on, he had just one missed text. It said,

_You can’t do this until you’re ready. I know I couldn’t. I’m here for you when the time is right._

It was from Valentino, of course. Seth smiled as he read it. Then he took a deep breath---and called his friend.

“I’m sorry,” he said immediately as soon as Valentino answered the phone.

“Seth, you don’t have anything to be sorry for,” Valentino began, but Seth interrupted.

“No, listen. Listen, I...I didn’t turn you down because I’m not ready. I mean I’m scared, yeah. But not of you. I’ve just...I’ve only dated girls before and honestly, that’s never gone that well. Especially considering all of that happened before I ever began questioning...stuff. I guess I just...I guess I need to work on my confidence.”

“Well, yeah,” Valentino said. “Seth, I haven’t dated a bunch either but it’s not something to be ashamed of, okay? It’s an adjustment. Like I’ve just kind of known. That I’m into guys, I mean. Even before I could admit it or say it out loud or anything. I’ve never even kissed a girl who wasn’t related to me.”

“I’ve kissed girls,” Seth admitted. “I even had a girlfriend once. Sometimes now I wonder if maybe it was because deep down I knew all along, but I don’t know.”

“How could you know? And maybe you’re bi; it’s a real thing and that’s okay,” Valentino told him quietly. “Listen. Let’s just get together. We don’t have to go out yet. We can find someplace to go talk. I swear, I’m never going to ask you to do anything you don’t want to do. It’s okay to tell me no. I won’t get mad at you. I’m just...I’ve said it before. I like you, Seth. You’re fun to talk to. You’re nice to everyone. You respect your family. You took a chance on being my friend before we’d even met. All I’m asking for right now is...just talk to me. Like really. I’m not gonna judge. ‘Cuz I know...dammit, I know what that’s like. Know why I came to Creek Ridge? I mean the real reason?”

Seth had to admit, he didn’t.

“It’s because last year, at my old school, I tried out for the spring semester play. The first semester we’d done Grease, which, I can’t sing, Seth. I mean it’s bad. So anyway, when I only got a minor part in that I wasn’t too surprised or even that bummed out. But the spring play was Dracula. And I nailed that audition, even though they were clearly shocked that I’d even shown up after the whole Hamlet thing the year before.. I don’t think I’d ever acted so well in my life. So like...like I figured I had to get like at least Van Helsing, right? So when the parts were posted, the part I’d gotten? A dead guy. That’s it. I asked the drama coach what I’d done and he told me...he actually told me that my audition was the best of all of them, but they just couldn’t have a black Mexican Dracula.”

Seth almost burst out laughing, except that he was blinded by fury.

“That,” he said, “might just be the most stupid thing I have EVER heard.”

“Right?” Valentino replied. “My Mami made a huge stink because she was already pissed off that they let me play Hamlet and I got messed with for it. The fit was huge enough that they ended up giving me a big role in the play. Except...they all pretty much singled me out after that. Even my boyfriend. Apparently sometimes gay is okay but only if you’re the right color.”

Seth considered this. It was one thing to fear discrimination, but here Valentino had actually been discriminated against, and for something he literally could not control. Roman was right; Seth could hide his sexuality all day long but how do you hide your race? And anyway, why should you have to? He voiced this much to Valentino, and he could practically hear the smile in```a the other boy’s voice.

“See, that’s why I like you. You get it. I really think you do. And I really think that everything’s going to be fine. Look, the absolute last thing I want to do is pressure you, Seth. Honest I don’t. If you don’t want to go out with me it’s okay, but I still want to be friends. Is that cool?”

“It’s cool but...but I do.”

“You...do?”

“I do want to go out with you, Valentino. I do. I had a long talk with my oldest brother today and he helped me realize some things and...I’m not ready to come out. I hope that’s okay. I need to decide how and when I’m going to tell my parents. But Roman knows, and so does his girlfriend, and they have my back, and for now that’s enough. I want to try. As long as...you’re okay with taking things slow.”

“I’m more than okay with taking things slow,” Valentino’s voice was gentle, hopeful, and for the first time since they began talking Seth felt hopeful as well. Hopeful that maybe this could work out, that maybe he could be truly happy, that maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t a freak after all.

“Listen, though,” Valentino continued. “I meant what I said. Instead of going out tonight, can you get away? Is there any place we can go to just talk? I can bring a pizza or something and we can just hang out.”

“That sounds good. But I don’t really know where…” Seth thought for a moment.

“You’d be welcome at my place, but I don’t know if you’re ready for my Mami just yet. She likes to talk, and I’m thinking maybe we need to talk just us first.”

“There are too many people at my house,” Seth replied. “I don’t know if I can get rid of them. Oh! But we have a lot of property and there’s a tree house...I think Roman would keep everyone away if I asked. I can’t imagine why they’d go out there anyway.”

“That sounds good,” Valentino replied. “What can I bring? Will it get cold? Should I bring blankets, or...oh God. Here I am promising you I won’t push you and then in the same breath I offer to bring blankets for us...shit. I’m a rat.”

Seth began to laugh, then, and after a moment Valentino did too.

“It’s okay,” he said. “I know what you meant. Why do I get the feeling you’re as nervous as I am?”

“Because I am,” Valentino said simply. “Because I meant what I said about taking things slow, but that doesn’t mean I don’t really want to try this out, and I don’t want to screw it up.”

“As of right now,” Seth confessed, “you’re in no danger of that. Just bring a pizza. I’ll get some sodas and flashlights and stuff. And blankets, if you insist.”

Seth kept his tone light and was delighted when Valentino busted out laughing.

“Well, well, well. Guess I’m not the only one. Okay. What time should I show up? And what kind of pizza do you like?”

“I don’t discriminate when it comes to pizza,” Seth replied. “Except for pineapples; that’s just gross.”

“Agreed. So like fajita or all meat or anything else?”

“It’s all good,” Seth replied. “I guess...about 8? Is that okay? I’ll tell my parents we’re hanging out. I just won’t mention where. Then it’s technically not a lie.”

“Okay. 8. Sounds awesome,” Valentino said.

As the time neared, Seth found himself a bundle of nerves; what if he’d made a terrible mistake?

What if he embarrassed himself?

What if----

“I can hear you thinking from the highway,” a familiar voice gently teased him. Seth whirled around and smiled. There he stood. Still Adonis-like but no longer intimidating. Valentino was wearing sweatpants and a tshirt and carrying a pizza box and a six pack of Aquafina. 

“Here...I’ll help,” he quickly grabbed the pizza and led the way down the path.

The treehouse was fairly spacious; Roman and Dad had built it years ago and there were many times throughout the years that it had become a haven for a boy or two who wanted some quiet time or needed a place to think or study. There were a couple of old beach chairs up there, and that was about it. Seth had stashed away a few flashlights for once it got dark, and there were in fact two blankets. He’d also brought some cups and some ice, paper plates, and napkins.

“It’s nice up here,” Valentino observed.

“Yeah. It is. Sometimes you get lucky and you spot some cool birds or other animals. Once we had a woodpecker right outside. It wasn’t too good for sleeping in that year, but it was fun otherwise.”

“Your property is like amazing,” Valentino continued. “You grew up here?”

Seth paused for a moment before answering.

“Yeah, I...for how long I’ve actually lived here. It’s been five years…”

“So if you’ve lived here five years and you’re 17 that’d put you at 12 when you got here?” Valentino asked and Seth looked down at his feet.

“Yup,” he murmured as he thought to himself, here we go.

To his surprise, Valentino didn’t ask him anything more about it. Instead he simply changed the subject,

“What’s it like having brothers?”

This was a topic Seth could easily share his wisdom on, so he went into a monologue about how at first it had been scary but how they were now as close as three people could be. Except…

“I love my nephew, but I miss Dean. And Roman...his girlfriend is awesome and I’m really psyched because I think they’ll get married, someday. And she goes out of her way to include me, which is nice. But stuff just isn’t the same as it was and I mean Finn is incredible. I look at him and I just know he’s gonna grow up and change the world and I love him, I know I said that, but I do love him, it’s just...I guess I’m having a hard time adjusting. But really I guess we all are. That’s why I don’t feel like I can tell my parents about me or us or any of that yet.”

“Because you want them to be able to listen?”

“Yes. And because honestly? I deserve for them to be able to listen.”

“Your parents seem so cool,” Valentino said. “How do you think they’ll react?”

“I honestly don’t know,” Seth replied. “I know they won’t get angry. They won’t kick me out or anything. I guess my worst fear is that they’ll be disappointed.”

“Mine just didn’t understand at first. Like they weren’t pissed or even disappointed really but I heard a lot of ‘Vali, why would you choose this lifestyle for yourself?’ It was a long time before they learned that I didn’t choose anything, anymore than I didn’t choose to have dark skin or brown eyes or curly hair or a deep voice. And at first Mami was like, ‘this better not mean I get no grandchildren.’ I was like 13 when we had that talk so it was pretty funny. Now I’m 18 and they’re so into it. Every time there’s a court decision or a march or anything to support gay rights, they’re all about it. So that’s cool.”

“I don’t even know anything about being gay or gay rights or lack of rights or any of that,” Seth mumbled, suddenly feeling a bit odd. Not ashamed exactly. More like horribly ignorant.

“It’s cool though, Seth, because at first I didn’t either. But now sometimes my parents go with me to rallies and things because they want me to have what everyone else has. I hope by the time I’m ready for marriage it won’t be such an issue. I guess you never know. But my Pop says as long as there’s something to discriminate against, there will be people to discriminate. And that it’s their problem, not mine, so I damn well better just be myself.”

“I’ve heard my parents mention stuff like that,” Seth said. “But it’s not something we’ve ever really actively discussed. They’re big on the right way to treat people, they’ve just never really specified who so we always just figured that meant everyone, no matter what. They’re huge on animal rights too; once when I first came home, my mom was talking to me, trying to calm me down, I think, because man, as much as a mess as I am now, I was REALLY a mess back then. But anyway, she was telling me that she loved me and that I was safe here, because she chose me. And she chose me because everyone deserves a chance. No matter what, no matter who.”

“Are you and your mom, like, super close?” Valentino wondered.

“We...used to be,” Seth whispered, and he silently cursed as he realized that tears were beginning to sting his eyes. But then he felt Valentino hesitantly take his hand, and it startled him to realize that the moment wasn’t cringe-worthy. In fact, talking to Valentino, being here beside him, felt like the most natural thing in the world. So he kept talking.

“I mean we still are, it just...is different now. My mom was like...before I even got here, she was the very first time I ever felt love. And at first I didn’t even know what that was. It was all so weird and different. My father terrified me, not because he’d done anything wrong but because up to that point, there hadn’t been one single male that I’d ever met that I could trust. But she’s always been my...like the cornerstone of my life, you know?”

“I sure do. My Mami...she’s the strongest person I know. I love my Pop like crazy; he’s taught me a lot but I’m seriously a Mami’s boy. And I’m not even a little ashamed of that.”

“Oh, I’m a total Mama’s boy. And I’m not ashamed of it either. I didn’t HAVE a mother for the first 12 years and my mother ALWAYS says that she wants to make up for lost time.”

Valentino looked into Seth’s eyes.

“So what’s changed?”

Seth sighed.

“Finn,” he said quietly. 

“Do you feel jealous of him?” Valentino squeezed Seth’s hand a little, and Seth squeezed back.

“Not exactly. He doesn’t have a mother either, and I just...Dean’s a really awesome dad but for some reason I always feel compelled to protect him. I don’t ever want him to struggle. With anything. I love him to pieces. I don’t think I’m exactly jealous, but I sure do miss my mom.”

“Know what?” Valentino said after a moment. “I bet you’re right; you said everyone’s still adjusting. I bet that once you’re all in a routine, everything will get back to normal. And in the meantime, I’m here. And anyway, your baby nephew is totally adorbs!”

Seth burst into giggles.

“Adorbs? Seriously?” He croaked once he could form words again.

“Nah. Not seriously. I just wanted to hear you laugh.”

Seth felt himself blush. He realized then that Valentino hadn’t let go of his hand. How long had it been since they first touched? By now it was dark, but the moon and stars lit the air in a soft glow, and Seth was completely at ease.

“So…” Seth began shyly. “Awhile back, you said that...that if I ever wanted to tell you what my life was like before...that you’d be here to listen…”

“I did say that,” Valentino agreed. “And I meant it. I wanna know all about you, Seth. I want to tell you all about me. But I’m not going to pry. If that’s a hard topic, we can start with like...what else is on your bucket list besides going to Stratford?”

“Umm...well...I want...I want to go to Spain,” Seth began. “Own a home. Learn to play guitar. Try every Ben  & Jerry’s flavor ever. Climb a mountain. Someday, I want to be able to help my birthmom. Like I think she’s okay where she’s at, and I don’t think I can handle taking her in or anything, but I think somehow, I at least want to move her to a closer facility. I don’t know if I even can do that. I’m technically her next of kin but I’m not 18 yet. Oh! I definitely want to go to college. I wanna like...like once I have a solid career and a lot of money, I want to buy land near my parents and have my own dog refuge. No one gets turned away.”

Before Seth could continue, Valentino let out a giggle.

“That’s what I want too,” he said. “Bucket list for sure.”

Seth grinned.

“So...what else is on yours?”

“Umm...I’ve never been out of the country except to Mexico. So I guess I’d like to go someplace like Indonesia or someplace in Latin America. And Alaska; I’ve always wanted to go to Alaska. And like someday...I’d like to see everyone be allowed to get married to whoever they want. I know they say it’s happening now but with so many people against it...it’s not enough. Not yet. And maybe I’d like a kid or two.”

Seth flinched at this, and he was certain Valentino noticed. 

“Seth…” he murmured quietly. “Talk to me…”

And Seth did, because for the first time in his entire life, explaining about his past didn’t feel like something he should fear. So he told Valentino. He told him everything, beginning with how he had no real memories of Adria until recently. He told him about his father’s abuse, foster care, the group homes (and Valentino squeezed his hand as he walked back through the worst parts). Seth told Valentino about being taken to the hospital, and about the day he met Lily and Tony. He told Valentino about arriving home, about getting adopted, about finding Adria, and about beginning to question his sexuality. He finished with the story of Blake kissing him on the bucket list trip.

For his part, Valentino listened, and interjected with soft words on occasion, but for the most part, he remained silent.

When Seth finished pouring it all out, he immediately felt as though the air had been drained out of him and he kind of sagged back into his chair. Now was the moment of truth, he thought. This is the opening Valentino needs to decide he’s done, that he can’t handle this, that I’m too much for him. What actually happened, though, left Seth astounded.

He felt Valentino move in front of him, and when he looked up, piercing brown eyes met his own gaze.

“Is it okay if I hug you?” Valentino murmured quietly. 

It took Seth a full minute to slowly nod his head, but when he did, he felt strong arms wrap around him and a hand gently pat his back. There was nothing uncomfortable or scary about it.

“Thank you for listening,” Seth heard himself say, and Valentino let out a noise that sounded like a stifled laugh mixed with...a sob.

“It’s okay,” Valentino whispered. “I had no idea...I’m so glad you were able to tell me.”

“You don’t...you’re not...freaked out?” Seth mumbled, and he felt Valentino nod slightly, but he didn’t let go and to his surprise, Seth didn’t feel threatened. Instead he waited for Valentino to explain.

“I am. But you...you’re a real true survivor,” he murmured. “And I am just...glad you were able to tell me all of this. And I want to just...I still want that date.”

“You do?”

“I do. I do, and I want you to know that absolutely nothing is going to happen before you’re ready, and also, I promise you that the next time you get kissed, it won’t be without your permission.”

Seth sighed deeply then, completely at peace. Valentino didn’t stop patting his back, and he found he really didn’t want this boy to let go of him. It didn’t feel strange at all. It felt right. In fact…

“Vali?” Seth whispered, trying out Valentino’s nickname for the first time.

“Hmm?”

“That kiss that I can give permission for? Could...can I have it now?”

Their eyes met again; it almost felt as though Valentino was searching for something but then he smiled.

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

Valentino smiled again and leaned in and slowly pressed his lips to Seth’s. They were warm and soft, just slightly probing but not aggressive whatsoever. It was a few moments before he pulled back, and when he finally did, their eyes met again.

Seth smiled.

There was absolutely nothing awkward about this. It felt completely perfect.


	114. Protection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has officially been one year since I sat down and began writing this fic. The idea had been floating around in my head for awhile, but until one year ago, I'd never written anything in my life, and I wasn't at all sure i could do it. I'm so glad I tried. I wrote for about a month before I actually got up the guts to post, so we'll celebrate that in May but for now, here's Dean's POV chapter.
> 
> I am now in state test prep hell, plus my final projects for my masters classes are coming due, so I'm trying to update but it IS getting harder and it might lag for awhile. Things will slow down by the beginning of May. Just know that I haven't forgotten it and no way would I ever abandon it!
> 
> Towards the end, there's a scene that was requested by two different readers. Hope everyone enjoys!

When Finn was exactly two months old, he got his very first ear infection. 

Unfortunately, as a small infant, he didn’t have the means to express himself by doing anything except crying, and that went on for almost a full 24 hours before a cause was determined. 

It was Lily who figured it out.

Dean was rocking Finn that night. His son had been miserable for nearly a day and Dean already had a call in to Dr. Elliott to try and get Finn in for a visit the next morning, but in the meantime he wanted to do whatever he possibly could to comfort his baby boy. So he’d swaddled him loosely in a soft blanket, offered him a bottle, and just cuddled him, stroked his cheek, and murmured quietly as the motion swayed them back and forth. Dean was rapidly learning that if he wasn’t sure what to do in any given situation, if he just sat back and considered what his mother and father would do, he could almost always make his baby happy.

Lily came into his bedroom while he was in the process of this, to offer him some juice, and then she sat on the bed across from him and smiled gently.

“Another sleepless night, huh?”

Dean nodded wearily; two nights in a row was going to do him in, but no way was he going to school tomorrow. Not while his son was in distress. 

“You’re doing a great job, Daddy,” his mother patted his arm. “I know this is hard. But you’re doing everything you can and I’m so proud of you.”

At that moment, Finn whimpered, which caught Dean’s mother’s attention.

“Sweetie? How long has he been rubbing the side of his face on your shoulder?”

“Umm...I guess since we sat down? He’s so restless I didn’t really notice it…”

But he was paying attention now, and as he watched his son, he realized that his mama was absolutely right. Finn would quiet for a few moments, and then with each groan or wail, he would turn and rub his head against Dean’s shoulder. Dean looked at his mother.

“Ear infection?” They both said it at the exact same time. 

“But how; he hasn’t had a cold or anything…” Dean wondered.

“Well...you had a few spontaneous ear infections when you were a little younger. And maybe...his immune system isn’t as strong yet. It’s definitely possible. Poor little one. Does he have a fever?”

“I don’t think so…” Dean ran his thumb across Finn’s cheek. 

“I’m going to get the forehead thermometer and then we’ll see about baby Tylenol. Or maybe I’ve got some drops.”

It turned out that Finn had a very low fever, but it wasn’t high enough to be a true concern. Dean was leary of giving him medicine that was meant for toddlers and older, though his mother was able to get ahold of the emergency nurse at Dr. Elliott’s practice, who told her the correct dosage. Unfortunately it didn’t really seem to help.

Dean stayed up most of the night with his boy, because that’s exactly what his parents would do for him. He rocked. He bounced. He paced the floor. He made an honest attempt at singing to soothe his little one, although Dean knew no lullabies and he really had no singing voice to speak of, so he was pretty sure that just made it worse.

By morning, Finn had slept a grand total of 43 minutes. 

Lily had come into Dean’s room at about 5:15.

“Listen, his appointment isn’t for a few hours. Why don’t you let me take him for a little while and you sleep, okay? I know you want to be here for him and you know I admire that but you’re both exhausted and you can’t be the best Daddy you can be if you can’t function.”

Dean agreed, because she was right, but he hated it. It was the first time he’d ever just passed his kid off to his mother, but he was just so tired and nothing he had done was helping anyway.

When he woke up a few hours later, he was relieved to realize that he didn’t hear any screaming. Dean got up and went to the kitchen and was met with a sight that made him burst out laughing.

Tony, who Dean had no idea would even still be home, was holding Finn in a football carry, little booty wedged up under his arm, head ably supported with a strong hand. The baby was face up wearing nothing other than a diaper, and Tony was using his other hand to stir something on the stove. There was 70’s rock music playing (Sweet Home Alabama to be exact) and as Tony stirred, he also swayed his hips and moved his feet with the beat. Dean wouldn’t call it dancing; it for sure didn’t look like any dancing HE’D ever seen, but Finn sure seemed to be enjoying it. He wasn’t crying anymore; he was still wide awake, but he was gazing up at his Papa with what Dean could only describe as an almost-smile on his face. 

Dean wished he had his camera. Was he ever going to learn? With a baby, you pretty much just needed to carry a camera at all times. 

“Having fun?” 

Tony startled slightly but grinned widely when he turned around and saw Dean standing in the doorway. 

“Absolutely! Lynyrd Skynyrd fixes all, right, Finn?”

Finn responded by sticking his tongue out.

“That means yes,” Tony assured his son. “You feeling okay?”

“Yeah...better. I’m ready to take him to see Dr. Elliott and get this moving though.”

“Bet you sure are. This has gotta be the hardest part about parenting, when your kid is hurting and you can’t just fix it,” Dean’s dad murmured, and Dean nodded his silent agreement.

Turns out, though, little Finn handled his doctor visit like a boss.

He did in fact have an ear infection. Because of his age and size, the doctor explained, he would need antibiotics.

“Some ear infections clear up on their own,” Dr. Elliott said. “Especially when drainage isn’t the culprit. But he’s so young and so small that I don’t want to risk this blowing up either. He’s due for vaccines soon right?”

Dean confirmed that the appointment had been previously set for the next week.

“Then I think we should go ahead and vaccinate him today and sneak an antibiotic into the injection. I’ll prescribe some drops too so he can rest. He looks sleepy.”

“Yeah...not much sleeping last night,” Dean agreed. He loved Dr. Elliott. He loved the way that, although he was just 17, she treated him like a grown man who was perfectly capable of caring for his infant child. 

Even when he cried far harder than Finn did when his baby got the shot.

Finn was obviously tired, so he didn’t put up much of a fuss when Dr. Elliott’s nurse gently took hold of his leg. He let out a pitiful whine when the cold alcohol swab brushed against his skin, and an even more pitiful mewl when the needle pierced his skin, but that was it. Dean buried his face into his mother’s shoulder to hide his tears.

Watching his son hurt was easily the most awful kind of torture, and knowing that he had helped inflict it, no matter how necessary it was, was a thousand times worse. The more he ventured into this fatherhood thing, the more respect he had for his parents. 

Once the appointment was over, and Finn was fast asleep in his carseat, Lily took Dean out to lunch. The waitress, apparently presuming he was older than he was, flirted with him shamelessly. The idea of talking to girls again hadn’t even occurred to Dean; it had been well over a year since he had first said hi to Jessie in the hall. But why shouldn’t he start dating again? Jessie had made her choice; she wasn’t coming back and even if she did, it’s not like he could trust her. And Homecoming was coming up. Surely someone would be looking for a date.

On the other hand...he had a baby now. Finn was his responsibility and did that leave any time for dating? Dean didn’t know. It was a huge conflict actually. He often wondered what the balance was between being a teenager and being a father. Could he go to Homecoming, or did he need to stay home, give the baby a bath, and put him to bed? He desperately wanted to try out for basketball again, but was it fair to ask his parents to spend more time watching Finn when they already did so much? And could he even handle being away from Finn that much more?

Sure, after a month, going to school got easier but Dean still got a little twinge of sadness and maybe even guilt every time he handed his son off to his mother.

It turned out that question was answered for him a couple of days later, when he was approached by the new basketball coach.

“You’re Dean Girardi?” Coach Lawrence walked up to Dean as he was exchanging books at his locker between fifth and sixth period.

“Yeah…” Dean paused.

“Jared Lawrence,” the coach stuck out his hand, and Dean, still baffled, shook it.

“Hi…”

“Listen, I know you need to get to class so I won’t keep you. I just wanted to let you know that the team’s going to have a few openings this year---we had a lot of graduating seniors last year, it seems---and you’ve got a reputation for being fast and smart on the court. Tryouts are next week. I hope I’ll see you there.”

Dean stood frozen for a moment. Two years ago, this was everything he wanted. But since then, so much had happened, and now he wasn’t sure. He thought he did. Okay. He knew he did, but he also knew that now, there was even more to lose. It was probably not a great idea, really; Finn needed him and he just wasn’t really interested in giving up any more precious time with his son. On the other hand, how cool would it be to play with his son in the crowd? Of course Finn was far too young to understand any of it, but some day Dean could tell him. And maybe...it wasn’t like he was married to the idea of college, but he knew he had to do something so he could provide the best life ever for Finn, and if basketball could lead to a scholarship…

Only if you can go to Houston, he told himself, because there’s no way you can live away from Mom and Dad right now. You’d better just swallow this one.

Still, at dinner that night, Dean found himself bringing it up anyway.

His family immediately began showering him with support.

“You totally should!” Roman exclaimed. “You’ve always been an awesome player. And you love it.”

“Basketball is how you and Roman met…” their father mused. “Son, I know you’ve got a lot on your plate, but it’s okay to still want to be a kid, and I think you’ve had to grow up way too fast, but there’s no real harm in wanting to still do high school stuff too.”

“But what about Finn? I want to take care of him. I want to be there for him. You and Mom already do so much, I just don’t know if I can…”

Lily smiled at him.

“Dean, do you want to?”

“I don’t think I can,” Dean repeated, but Lily shook her head.

“No, sweetie, I’m asking, do you want to?”

Dean sighed and looked down.

“Yes. I mean, he basically just offered me a spot. But I just figured that kind of thing would be over for me, since Finn is here now. And I’d have to rearrange my school schedule. But I guess that wouldn’t be TOO difficult; I could just switch weights to basketball second quarter...what if I don’t make it?”

“Then you don’t, baby, and that’s okay.”

“Don’t worry, Dean,” Seth piped up. “I’ll help Mom watch Finn after school and we’ll bring him to all your games so he can watch his dad be a star.”

Dean’s heart swelled.

A week later, Dean did try out and he made the team. He was still filled with reservations, but the support from his family had been overwhelming and the truth was, he was pretty excited. 

He wanted to do as many things as he could to make Finn proud of him someday, but he also wanted...he wanted just a tiny slice of his old life back. 

Dean knew it could never been laid back and carefree as it had been before; he knew that and he didn’t want it to be. He wouldn’t have traded Finn for anything in the world. But that didn’t mean he didn’t miss it, and this would be a nice change of pace. 

It didn’t stop him from being the best dad he could be. He went to school, stayed for practice, came home, ate dinner, and studied while he rocked his son to sleep. He’d read tedious notes, tedious text, and do tedious assignments until the wee hours, but he had never worked so hard on school work in his life. He had to do the best he could for Finn. 

And he found that there was still plenty of time for fun.

One Saturday afternoon, about a week before Halloween, Dean and his brothers were sitting around the living room discussing Halloween plans. Seth was going to a party with Valentino on Halloween night, but Roman and Megan wanted to come with Dean to take Finn Trick or Treating for the very first time, and all three of the boys had volunteered to Trunk or Treat at the Community Center. Dean was stressing; he didn’t have a costume for Finn yet, and time was running out to order anything. Nothing in the stores inspired him; indeed it all just looked heavy and uncomfortable, and although Finn was growing and thriving, they still had to be careful with things like his temperature. 

“What if you got a white onesie and painted it like a roll of Livesavers?” Seth suggested. 

“Hey, that’s a thought,” Roman chimed in. “Or a Tootsie Roll, or anything like that really.”

Dean shrugged.

“I don’t know; it’s his very first one. I want it to be something perfect. And anyway, we still need to figure out what we’re going to do for Trunk or Treat. What are you dressing as for your party, Seth?”

“Ummmm…” Seth looked down at his hands for a minute, then shrugged. “I don’t know, I guess Vali’s got an idea. But…”

He trailed off, and Dean looked at Roman, confused, until he realized that Roman had a knowing look on his face. 

“You need to tell him, Seth,” their older brother said quietly. “It’s okay.”

Dean was surprised to see that when Seth looked back up he had tears in his eyes. He reached for his younger brother’s hand.

“What’s wrong, Seth, what is it? Whatever it is, it’s okay. You can tell me what’s wrong…”

“I…” Seth’s voice shook a little. “Dean...please don’t be mad at me. I’ve been waiting for the right time to tell you, that...that I’m...I mean I think...Dean, Valentino is...kind of...my boyfriend.”

Dean froze.

“I…” tears were falling freely now, Seth taking Dean’s silence for anger. “I’m so sorry, Dean. I’m just so scared; I haven’t told Mom and Dad yet, I’m not out to anyone, Roman overheard me talking or he wouldn’t have known either, and now I just...I’m just trying to make things work in my head. Please don’t be mad…”

Seth’s monologue ended when Dean abruptly stood, crossed the room, and engulfed him into his arms.

“Don’t you EVER,” Dean whispered fiercely, “not EVER think that I’d be mad at you for being yourself. Don’t you EVER.”

Dean felt Seth wrap his arms around his neck then, could feel his brother shaking as sobs escaped.

“It’s okay,” Dean murmured. “It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong. No one is angry, Seth. Just let it out.”

Seth’s frustration and fear were almost palpable, and Dean just couldn’t believe it; how could he have thought...but it didn’t matter, did it? He knew now, and Seth was dealing with that the best way he could, and Dean would have to be patient.

“You...you don’t...you’re not...you…” Seth sputtered, trying to catch his breath.

“I’m not what? Seth, my brother, what did you expect me to say? That I don’t love you? That we’re not brothers anymore? That I don’t want you touching my kid? Or that I don’t want you around? That’s not how we do shit, Seth, that’s not how we were raised, and I don’t care who you fall in love with and I don’t care what the rest of the world thinks either. He just better treat you good…”

“That’s what Roman said too,” Seth whispered, finally calming down. 

“You gotta relax, brother,” Dean continued to murmur. “Everything’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with you, Seth. Is Valentino good to you?”

“Y-yes…” Seth murmured. “He knows I’m not out yet and he’s so patient. This party we’re going to is...Vali does a lot of things to advocate for equal rights and he knows a lot of people who are just like...just like us, so…”

“So it’s a gay Halloween party?” Dean asked incredulously. Roman elbowed him, but he meant no harm by that statement, and he smiled at Seth so that Seth would know too. “That’s awesome. So then what’s your costume. C’mon, I wanna know.”

“Thor and Loki,” Seth said. “I get to be Thor. Even though he’s bigger.”

Dean grinned.

“That’s perfect. That’s definitely perfect. So you’re covered for your party. Now we just need costumes for Trunk or Treat.” Seth rested his head on Dean’s shoulder and nodded, his shoulders sagging with relief.

“Guys…” Roman suddenly grinned. “I think I have an idea.”

After they agreed on Roman’s suggestion (and it WAS a pretty grand idea), Seth went to his room to get ready for a shower, and that left Roman and Dean to discuss the latest development.

“I can’t believe he was afraid to tell me,” Dean knew he was kind of pouting but he didn’t care. He picked Finn up and hugged his baby close.

“It...I don’t think it’s you that he’s been afraid to tell. He really doesn’t want to tell Mom and Dad. He says he will when the time is right, but...I don’t know what to say or do to help him.”

“Maybe there’s nothing we CAN do, Rome,” Dean told his older brother. “Maybe Seth’s just gotta do it on his own. I’ll tell you one thing, though. I like this Valentino guy but he needs to know that if he’s going to date our brother, there are a few rules.”

Roman grinned menacingly.

“I see what you did there,” he laughed a little. “Okay. I like Valentino too, but it wouldn’t hurt to put the squeeze on him a little. Just to make sure he knows that he better treat Seth right. Or else.”

“Or else,” Dean agreed with a smirk.

They got their chance three days later, when Valentino came over after school to practice lines with Seth for the upcoming Othello audition. Lily had taken Finn and gone grocery shopping, and Tony wasn’t home from work yet, so when Seth left Valentino alone in the living room while he got them something to drink, Dean and Roman took that as their opportunity.

Dean tried to make his eyes look as wild as possible. All Roman had to do was fold his arms and glare, and Dean was certain that would make anyone wet their pants as they ran away.

“So...you wanna date our baby brother,” Dean began. Valentino, unaware of their presence, jumped slightly.

“I...yeah,” Valentino said slowly, confused, likely because Dean and Roman had never approached him quite like this before. “That...that okay?”

“Depends,” Roman rumbled from behind Dean. “You gonna take care of him?”

“See, Seth, he’s fragile,” Dean took over before Valentino could answer. “He’s been through a lot of shit and it’s our job to make sure that he never has to go through any more shit ever again. You get what I’m sayin’?”

“Ummm…” was all Valentino managed to say before Dean continued.

“What were sayin’,” he went on, “is that we like you, Valentino. We like you. You seem like a nice enough guy. And since we do like you, we’re gonna give you a chance, you know, for Seth’s sake. But also, because we like you so much, we also reckon it’s best to give you fair warning. You take good care of our Seth. Or else.”

“Or else,” Roman confirmed.

“Or else?” Valentino’s voice was questioning and, to Dean’s sheer delight, seemed just a little higher pitched than it had moments ago.

“Or else we make it so that Seth never has to worry about being hurt by you ever again,” Dean finished up, and he caught the look of death on Roman’s face as his brother ended the conversation:

“Believe that.”

They barely made it into Roman’s room before they dissolved into fits of laughter. 

On Trunk or Treat night, Dean got himself dressed and then carefully lifted Finn up out of his bassinet. He’d been really worried that the baby wouldn’t recognize him and completely freak out, but although Finn could clearly see that something was different, he didn’t act as though he was too bothered. Instead he looked Dean up and down, and then reached out to pull on a piece of his costume. It snapped back when he let go, which elicited a bright grin from the baby boy.

“Just you wait,” Dean scolded. “You’re not in yours yet.”

He proceeded to dress his son in his very first Halloween costume ever and carry him out to the kitchen, where his mother nearly dropped a stack of plates she’d been about to wash.

“Oh my GOD!” Lily shrieked happily. “You two are just about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen! The kids at the Center are going to LOVE it.”

“I hope so. And I hope he keeps being so good; he hasn’t made a peep.”

Lily giggled.

“Ha, a peep, that’s funny. Hello, little boy. Are you gonna have fun? Yes, you are. Do you guys need anything, Dean?”

“No...Roman and Seth are already out there decorating the Jeep. Finn and I are about to go join them. Are you and Dad coming out?”

“Yeah, we’ll be along in a moment. We’re greeting people at the entrance this year. Oh my goodness, you’ve got to get pictures of this.”

“I will, when I do his three month photos next week,” Dean promised. “Tell Gigi you’ll see her in a little bit, buddy.”

When Dean and Finn arrived at the Community Center, they turned quite a few heads as they headed to join Roman and Seth. The Jeep, Dean had to admit, looked amazing, and their mother had been right----the kids loved the get up. 

“What made you think of this?” One parent asked as Dean dumped candy into her child’s bucket.

“It was my brother’s idea, but it definitely worked out,” Dean said with a grin. “My son is doing his part like a champ.”

“I don’t know how you did it,” she continued to gush. “It all looks so real.”

Indeed, it did. Roman and Seth had done an incredible job of decorating the Jeep to look like a ship. It had sails and a telescope, a plank, and waves rolling behind it. Roman, Dean, and Seth were all dressed as pirates, and Finn was in costume as the most adorable parrot that anyone had ever seen.


	115. Uncle Bub

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, y'all, I hate that it's taking me so long between updates right now. Both my graduate classes are over on the 26th and school is out May 25 and that'll free up a ton of my time. In the meantime I'm afraid the process is going to remain painstakingly slow. Just stay tuned; I promise there's plenty more coming up soon!

The more time passed, the more Roman knew he had to to talk to his parents about Natalie, but he just didn’t know how. It seemed like there were half a dozen wrong ways and one right way that eluded him at every turn. He hated it.

“You need to just come out and ask her,” Megan pointed out one afternoon while they were lazily walking around the Girardi property. Megan had recently been declared in remission, and her energy level had shot up tenfold. “Who cares if you’re wrong? And anyway, you know you’re right and I think so too.”

He’d shown Megan the picture, and she had agreed that the resemblance was too uncanny to be a coincidence. 

He just couldn’t do it though. As much as he knew he needed to do it, he just couldn’t. And he could come up with a string of excuses, most of which Megan would easily refute.

“Okay, so you’re wrong and she thinks your cuckoo. So what?”

“If you’re right and she doesn’t want to see your parents at least you’ll know, and you can decide at that point what to do next.”

“Do you REALLY think your parents not wanting to see them is going to be an issue?”

“I know...I know it’s probably going to be painful for your mom. And I know you love her and you don’t want her to hurt, but Roman...she was going to be their   
mother. Their MOTHER.”

“How do you think it would make them feel to know that you suspected this and didn’t tell them? Right or wrong, since when do you keep secrets from your parents?”

Checkmate. There was absolutely no chance that Roman could argue with that. 

Roman and Megan had partnered with Natalie and a guy named Roy on their psychology project, and while they worked, Roman watched her closely. More than once   
she caught him staring, at which time he hurriedly looked away. He knew she was probably going to think he was nuts before much longer, but every time he looked at her, his resolve was steeled. This was definitely one of the girls in his mother’s photo. This was THAT Natalie. Roman began to wonder where Audrey had wound up.

He got his chance two hours later when Roy glanced at his phone, then proclaimed he needed to get going.

“I should probably---” Natalie began but Megan interrupted.

“Roman...come on,” she murmured softly, and Roman looked down for a moment but then looked up at the girl.

“Listen...this is probably going to sound like a really...REALLY...crazy question but...I have to ask…” he began.

“Ask what?” Natalie asked uncertainly.

“I...don’t even know how to put it,” Roman confessed. “But...did you...did you ever know two people named Lily and Tony Girardi?”

Natalie froze for a full thirty seconds, the expression on her face a toss up between stunned and stricken, and finally she spoke.

“Roman...Girardi. You’re Roman Girardi...you...you’re their…”

“I’m their son,” he confirmed quietly. “And...and you were gonna be their daughter, weren’t you.”

Roman couldn’t stand the look on Natalie’s face; it was impossible for him to read, and he felt Megan squeeze his hand.

“It’s okay,” he finally said. “It’s okay, I just…”

“How did you know? Do they talk about me?” Natalie interrupted. “How could you possibly know? That was so long ago.”

“She has a picture. She...my mother keeps a photo of you in her office. And it took me a bit to figure out where I’d seen you before but then I saw the picture. And I knew.”

“They...they still have a picture?” Natalie whispered. “Of me?”

“Of you and your sister, yeah. It’s the one where you were standing together outside and you were wearing---”

“The yellow dresses…”

“Yeah. I didn’t...I didn’t mean to spring this on you; I’m sorry, I just...my parents love you too. They always have. After you guys were taken away she...it was two years before my mom was ready to try again and then they got me. They’re the best parents in the world. And I think...no. I know they would like to see you.”

“So...you’re adopted then?” Natalie murmured. 

“Yes. They took me into foster care when I was nine and were able to formally adopt me---all three of us, really, I have two brothers---but anyway, I was 15 when I was adopted.”

“So they have three? Kids?” Natalie’s voice sounded almost as strange as her face looked. Strained. Pinched. Almost...angry?

“Yeah. There are three of us. Are...I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I sprang this on you, but are you okay?”

She just shook her head. Then she choked out,

“I’m glad y’all are so happy. I’m glad Lily and Tony are so...so happy.”

Then Natalie stood up and left the room without another word.

Roman looked at Megan.

“Now what?” Panic rose in his throat. “What the hell just happened, Megs? What did I do wrong?”

“I don’t think you did anything wrong,” Megan’s voice sounded calm, which Roman found maddening. “I think...this is a lot to process. Let her think about it. Maybe she wants to talk to Audrey.”

A horrible thought occurred to Roman.

“She never even mentioned Audrey. What if something happened to her?”

“Roman. Listen,” Megan’s voice came again, still calm but this time she wrapped both arms around his neck and rested her head on his chest. “It’s going to be okay. You did the right thing. Let her process it; let her think it over, and just be patient. I know it’s hard, baby. Can you skip practice today? Do you want to do something? Go for a drive or something?”

Roman shook his head. 

“I want to go back to 30 minutes ago before I ever brought it up,” he whispered. “What do I do now? What do I tell my parents?”

“You don’t have to tell them anything yet. Baby, I’m telling you, just wait a few days and let Natalie sort it out. I bet you she misses them and she’ll decide she wants to see them again. Just be patient.”

“Okay. Okay. I can be patient, I just...I can’t miss practice but tonight can we go out? Take a drive or something, like you said?”

Megan nodded. 

“Of course. I love you, Roman. I still say you did the right thing.”

But Roman wasn’t at all sure.

 

_____________________________________

 

Seth thought he’d never tire of being an uncle. Even if Finn WAS the cause of most of the changes that were making everything so hard. Seth didn't want to love the baby. Actually, he didn't care if he loved the baby as much as he didn't want the baby to love him. He'd corrupt him somehow, he just knew it. The problem was, the baby was sweet. The baby was soft. The baby smelled like powder and lotion, and he completely radiated...innocence.

And Seth, whose innocence had been stolen years ago, was gonna be damned if he'd ever allow anything like that happen to Finn. 

He got home from school one afternoon to his mother calmly pacing the floor with a very angsty infant. Finn, who typically was pretty laid back, was clearly fussy today. 

Great, Seth thought. Because this is exactly what he wanted to listen to all evening.

"Hey, bub," Lily approached him and leaned over to kiss his cheek, an action that Seth stiffly accepted, even though he did not really want to. He wanted to be left alone, but something about the way Finn cried kept him from leaving the room. 

"Doesn't he have a father to look after him when he's like this?" Seth demanded. He knew he sounded mean. He didn't much care though. Lily gave him a look.

"Dean's not home yet. He’s still at basketball practice. I don't know why the little man is such a grouch. He's been kind of cranky all day. Haven't you, sugar plum?" 

Finn's face was red and contorted and a thoroughly pissed off howl was the only response his Gigi got. Lily sighed. 

"I promise it's okay, little one," she crooned. "You don't have to be so mad. What's wrong with my little precious? Hmm? Can you tell Gigi what's wrong?"

Seth rolled his eyes.

"Ugh...bub, I know baby wrangling isn't really your thing, but I've really gotta pee. Can you take him for just a second? Please?"

“Mom...seriously?”

“Seth William. Bub. I have been home with this baby all day. I don’t know what’s wrong, I can’t make him happy, and I HAVE to PEE. Now TAKE HIM.”

What could he say? No matter how he was feeling, acting like a jerk would only clue his mother in even more, so with a groan, he reached for the baby and decided to continue to ignore the way she continually forgot his request to no longer be called “bub.”

"Now what's this mess, huh?" Seth rested Finn up on his shoulder and patted his back the same way he'd seen his parents and Dean do. He tried to sit down, which elicited another ridiculous howl from the baby, so he quickly got back to his feet.

"How can someone so little scream so big? Huh?"

He began to slowly walk back and forth, still patting Finn's back and talking to him quietly and then something weird happened. The baby stopped crying. He continued to whine and mewl, but he definitely wasn't shrieking anymore. So Seth braved sitting down in the recliner and this time, Finn didn't seem to mind.

"It's okay," Seth murmured. "You're okay. See? See that? Everything's okay..."

About that time, his mother returned, holding one of the small bottles.

"He didn't eat too long ago, but sometimes you get hungry between meals right?"

Seth reached to hand the baby back to his mother but at the movement, Finn's screams started right back up. Lily looked at the screaming bundle in her arms, and then she looked back at Seth. And then she passed Finn back. Finn immediately stopped screaming. She lifted him out of Seth's arms. Again it was like they were trying to torment him. So with an authoritative laugh, she handed Finn back to Seth.

"Hey---what'm I supposed to do with him?" Seth protested, but Lily just laughed.

"That's up to you, Uncle Bub, but he clearly likes you a lot better than me right now, and I'm not gonna let him scream if he's content with you."

No. No, Seth didn't mind. In fact...he kind of liked it. He could almost feel his Grinchy heart growing three sizes as he leaned back into the recliner and cradled his nephew against his chest. Finn, though still whining and clearly still unhappy, was settling down. Lily offered Seth the bottle and then left the room. Seth gazed down into the blue-green eyes of the bundle snuggled against him---oh the innocence---and sighed. As soon as he did, Finn sighed too. By the time Dean got home, the baby was fast asleep and Seth was pretty relaxed himself.

"Looks like Finny's playing favorites," Dean softly teased as he ran his fingers over his son's red-blond hair. He leaned down and kissed the baby's cheek but made no move to take him. Seth was pretty okay with that. He wasn't sure he'd have given the baby up anyway.

Later that night, while he was studying, he texted Valentino.

_Do you think I would make a good father?_

Valentino immediately responded.

_I think you would make a great father. Would I?_

Seth smiled to himself.

_Of course. Do you want kids?_

Another quick reply:

_Someday? I want so many kids. Do you?_

Seth paused. This was such a loaded question.

_I...yes. I want kids. I want them a lot but...I don’t know if I ever can or should._

Valentino quickly texted back:

_If it’s because you’re gay, quit it. Gay people can be amazing parents._

It made Seth grin, because Valentino’s passion made him proud and it definitely made him feel better.

_Not because I’m gay. Because of the schizophrenia thing…_

 

A long time passed before Vali replied. Seth was just about to start worrying that he’d said the wrong thing when finally his phone buzzed.

_Then we’ll adopt! But you can’t let something that might not even happen decide your future. Dude, I gotta get to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow!_

It took Seth a few moments to realize that Vali had said “we”, but when he finally managed to wrap his head around it, Valentino wasn’t answering anymore. 

Seth lazily leaned back in his bed and pictured what it would be like if he and Vali ever did start a family. He knew it wouldn’t be easy; there were plenty of people who would happily stand in their way simply because they were gay. But...Vali had a way of making everything seem like it would be okay.

He was feeling unnerved the next morning; it was just two more days until Othello tryouts and Seth really, really, really wanted a part. Not just any old part, either; it didn’t have to be Othello, but he definitely wanted a speaking part. A part that was fairly significant. He’d never done anything like this before, and he knew the odds were not necessarily in his favor, but he was still excited to try.

After Seth got up, he went to the kitchen, where Finn was crying---again.

“Oh, look, it’s Uncle Bub!” Lily looked up at Seth hopefully when he came into the kitchen. 

“Mom, please. I asked you not to call me that anymore,” he said softly, reaching for the baby, not really wanting to but knowing he’d get no peace if he didn’t.

“Yeah, well, I can’t help it,” Lily murmured. “I’ve been calling you that for five years and it’s never been a problem before now. It’s going to take me a bit.”

Seth didn’t miss the hurt in her eyes and for a brief moment he felt guilty, until he remembered the sharp pain in his chest that he felt when he heard her call Finn that. When he realized that he was being replaced. 

Finn didn’t settle down this time, although he did rest his head on Seth’s shoulder as he wailed. 

“He’s rubbing his ear again,” Lily said suddenly. “I wonder if he’s got another...come here, little lamb.”

She reached for the baby, whose wails turned to shrieks, and pressed her lips to his forehead. 

“I think he’s got a fever,” she murmured, just as Dean came into the kitchen. He lifted his son from his mother’s arms and planted a kiss on his angry little cheek.

“Buddy,” he soothed. “Hey now.”

Seth watched as Lily shared the information she’d just discovered to Dean, whose face fell.

“Oh...okay,” Dean murmured. “I’ll skip school. Is it too early to call the doctor?”

“Maybe a little,” Lily responded. “But you don’t have to miss school. I’ll take him.”

“No...no, I’m his father; he needs me. It’ll be okay. I’ve got a test this morning but they’ll probably let me take it after school.”

“But then you’ll miss practice,” Seth interjected. “If you miss too much practice what will happen?”

“My son is more important than practice, Seth,” Dean said sharply, so sharply that Seth recoiled just a little; he was surely not accustomed to anyone in his family snapping at him like that. With wide eyes, he just nodded and looked down.

“Well...good luck,” he whispered, and he headed out the door for school.

 

__________________________________

 

Tony came home from work early a couple of days later hoping to surprise his wife.

He knew she was tired; his entire family seemed tired. Finn, although being on antibiotic drops for his current ear infection, still wasn’t sleeping too well and didn’t seem to be getting much relief; he seemed to have acquired to his very first cold, though the cough and runny nose hadn’t shown up until after the ear issues. By the third night of fussing, Dean was reduced to a babbling mess; he’d barely slept since the baby first got sick. So Tony had calmly taken his whimpering grandson into his and Lily’s bedroom and plugged in the vaporizer while instructing Lily to put Dean to bed and get some sleep herself. Unfortunately, she only complied with the first part.

The steam combined with sheer exhaustion had helped a bit. Finn dozed between whining and fussing, and his cough seemed to get better. It became clear pretty quickly, however, that putting him down wasn’t going to be a viable option. Lily knew this the second she came back into the bedroom. So despite Tony’s claim that he’d be fine, she stayed up too and eventually they took turns bouncing, rocking, patting, and snot-wiping. By morning the poor little guy’s nose was as red as a cherry, but he did seem to be perkier and his eyes were definitely brighter.

It’d taken its toll on Lily, though. Dean woke up feeling considerably better and spent a couple of hours holding and rocking his son by the steam before he had to leave for school; he said he’d stay home with the baby and Tony could tell he really wanted to, but both he and Lily encouraged him to go to school anyway.

In the end he went. Tony commended him for his desire and determination to take care of Finn; Dean’s father skills never ceased to amaze either of his parents. But all three of them knew that if Dean was to build any kind of life for himself and his little one, he was going to have to finish school, and that meant Lily and Tony helping out as much as they could. Or Lily, rather, since Tony had to go to work himself. He, too, considered playing hooky that day, but he had been consulting on an important case and you just don’t miss a conference call with the governor. 

So he went to the office and soon learned via text that the little man had fussed for quite awhile but was finally sleeping peacefully, and that’s when he decided he’d leave early and try to surprise Lily with a kiss and a Starbucks iced chai. 

All day, Tony had felt an odd feeling. It wasn’t dread, exactly; it was just that something felt off. As an FBI agent, he knew the value of hunches, and as a married man, he absolutely knew the value of a mother’s instinct, but he just wasn’t the type of guy to worry about something that wasn’t right in front of him. Still, though, as he pulled out of the Starbucks parking lot, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something different was coming. He’d only had a feeling like this one other time, and it was the day they found out that Finn was on his way.

He had no concerns about another grandchild coming. Although Seth was moody and secretive lately, Tony honestly didn’t think he’d be able to hide a girl. Dean simply didn’t have time, and while Tony knew Roman was sexually active, he also knew that even without the chemo, there was a very slim chance that either his son nor Megan would misuse birth control. So where this feeling was coming from, Tony didn’t know, but it kind of ebbed when he arrived home and went to find Lily.

She was sound asleep in the recliner, Finn snuggled semi-upright against her chest. She had moved the vaporizer out to the living room, and Finn was cozy in one of his blankets. It was adorable and Tony’s heart melted all over again.

He couldn’t believe how much he loved this woman, and that he got to walk through the stages of his life with her. 

Tony went and changed and when he came back out both his wife and his grandson were still asleep, so he decided to lay down on the couch. But he didn’t sleep. Instead, he watched them and thanked God for about the millionth time for this amazing family he and Lily had made.

An hour or so later, Roman came home, which was odd, because he usually didn’t come home before practice. Odder still, Megan was with him. Even more odd than that was the look on his face. And then he spoke the words that no parent wants to hear:

“Mom? Dad? We need to talk.”

Immediately second guessing his responsibility/chemo theory, Tony caught Lily’s eye for a moment. Her eyebrows were raised, but she stood and carried Finn to his Pack & Play in the living room and carefully laid him down before returning to her chair and saying,

“Okay...let’s talk. Are you two okay?”

“Well...we’re fine,” Roman began, clearly debating what he wanted to really say. “I mean, we’re both healthy and…”

He trailed off, so Tony took his opportunity.

“Is Megan pregnant?”

Both Megan and Roman burst out laughing, and finally the tension began to ebb, so Lily and Tony laughed too. Megan shook her head.

“No. No, I’m most definitely not pregnant. In fact, this doesn’t have anything really to even do with me, at least not directly. I’m here for moral support.”

With a smile, Tony patted her hand.

“Well, when the time is right we welcome another grandbaby. But what’s going on right now? Roman, are you in trouble? Are you having trouble with a class?”

“No. No, nothing’s exactly wrong with me.”

“You’re sure?” Tony continued to pry. Lily was oddly silent. “Football is still good?”

“Yeah...yeah. Dad, football is great. Listen, it’s nothing like that, honest. Nothing is wrong with me, I swear. But I...there’s something I need to tell you, and I don’t know exactly how to say this. Or how you’ll feel about it. I wasn’t even sure telling you was right, but...you deserve to know this.”

“Know what?” Lily finally spoke up. “Out with it, kiddo. What’s going on? What is it?”

“Well...Mom? You and Dad...you know Natalie and Audrey Flores?”

Lily smiled softly. 

“Of course we do,” she murmured. “I often wish I knew how those two turned out. Remember when they were here, T?”

“Remember? How could I forget?” Tony grinned. “It’s been so long…”

“It has,” Lily agreed. “You know, if they had stayed, there’s a real possibility that we’d be a family of 7. Well, 8 counting that little stinker.” She smiled fondly in Finn’s general direction.

Roman had seemed as though he was about to say something but at that comment, he paused.

“You mean...you mean if you’d adopted them, you still think you would have adopted us?”

“Roman, of course we would. You and Dean and Seth are the kids we're supposed to have,” Tony said quietly and Lily nodded her agreement.

“That’s not the way it worked out, and we love you three boys; you know we do. And keeping them wouldn’t have changed anything when Cassie asked us about each of you.”

“What made you think of them, Roman?” Tony asked, suddenly feeling that feeling stronger than ever. “You didn’t even get to meet them…”

“Well...that’s what I want to talk to you about,” Roman said, almost nervously. “Because Natalie Flores...she’s in our psychology class. And she knows who I am.”

And Tony and Lily froze.


	116. Overlooked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel I need to give a HUGE ENORMOUS shout out to PrittySpeshul here, because her creative suggestion showed up more than once in this chapter. I can't believe that in about a week, it'll be one year since I posted the very first chapter of this story!

_Finally, finally, Tony could call himself a legitimate parent, and it was honestly the best time of his life. One child of their own was all he and Lily had ever wanted and then they’d been blessed with twins. Beautiful twin girls. They were so much fun.  
Natalie Eve and Audrey Jane had closed the family circuit. Of course, the Girardi’s intended to continue fostering for as long as they could, and they wouldn’t say no to another adoption later on down the line if it came up. In the meantime, though, they spent their days getting into a groove with their daughters---damn, did that sound good?   
At five they arrived, tiny and abused and terrified, no concept of how to trust, but in the past two years, Lily and Tony had worked hard to overcome this, and the girls had really blossomed. Although shy, Audrey was also artistic and sensitive; she’d sit for hours coloring or letting her mother fix her hair and nails. It had taken her longer to warm up to Tony than it had her sister, but eventually they’d bonded over a tea party. Yes, he HAD worn a turquoise feather boa. Yes, he HAD offered a tiny cup of tea that was really water to each of Audrey’s stuffed animals. Yes, he HAD held his pinky up as he sipped his own “tea”. And he was ashamed of NONE of it.   
Although the twins were fraternal, they resembled each other quite a bit, but as much as they looked alike, their personalities could not be more different. Natalie was Audrey’s polar opposite. A true tomboy, she was spunky and sassy. She loved nothing more than to watch whatever game was on with Tony, and the first time he took the girls fishing she had caught a fish before Audrey had even drummed up the nerve to touch a worm. She was also the animal whisperer; the dogs and cats followed her around as though she was the Pied Piper of Hamlin.   
While both girls loved both parents, and both parents adored both girls, it was clear from the beginning that Audrey was drawn to Lily, and Natalie was going to be Tony’s little lady.  
By the time they were seven, they were well-adjusted and happy. Long gone were the nightmares. So Lily and Tony signed the adoption papers with great delight and prepared to go on with their lives. And then 88 days later, it happened.  
They’d been called down to Cassie’s office at Social Services, but neither of them felt anything was amiss, until they arrived and realized that Cassie wasn’t alone. Her supervisor was there as well, but perhaps most concerning, the Girardi’s attorney, Amos Vaughn, joined them at the table.  
“Lily, Tony,” he began. And Tony knew. Amos didn’t have to say anything else. He knew. So did Lily, if the wail that rose up from Tony’s left was any indication.  
“Justin Flores has decided to parent,” Cassie told them gently.   
It felt as though Tony had been punched in the stomach.   
He had never felt more helpless, never felt more unsure of what he was supposed to DO. So he didn’t do anything except sit there, stunned, as Lily sobbed beside him. Finally, he croaked out,  
“We’ll fight. We’ll...he can’t do this. Can he?”  
“You know he can,” Lily whispered hoarsely. “The law says he can.”  
“But...but we have to try. Don’t we? We have to try; we can’t just let them go.”  
“There isn’t anything we can do,” Lily began to sob again.   
“We can petition the court,” Amos said. “We can petition for shared custody. The thing is, Flores never actually did anything to harm those girls, so we have no grounds for terminating his rights. He had 90 days to change his mind. He’s changed his mind. I wish I could come up with something better.”  
“When?” Tony whispered.  
“The day after tomorrow,” Cassie answered quietly. Lily dissolved into sobs again, and Tony had nothing left to do but wrap his arms around her. There wasn’t even anything he could say.  
It was probably the most horrifying experience of his life.  
He went and picked up the girls from school that day and took them to Chuck E. Cheese, just the three of them, idea being that Lily would go home, pull herself together, and then that night they’d explain to the twins what was going on. He didn’t count on looking at them in the rearview mirror and tears beginning to pour from his eyes.  
And forget about Lily calming down.  
“Why is Mommy crying?” Natalie demanded as soon as she caught sight of her mother, and Audrey’s face fell.   
They sat them down in the living room, Natalie on Tony’s lap and Audrey on Lily’s, and explained the whole thing. They didn’t understand at first.  
“Well...I suppose going to visit him will be okay,” Natalie said hopefully, which only made Lily cry harder.  
“No...baby,” Tony whispered. “No, that’s...when you go with your father, you’re going to live with him now.”  
“For...forever?” Audrey seemed stunned. “No, Mommy, I don’t wanna go!”  
“You’re our father!” Natalie clung to him.  
“We’re so sorry, babies,” Lily reached out for Natalie too, and then Tony wrapped his arms around all three of his beautiful girls. “We’re so so sorry. We love you so much. This is NOT what we want.”  
“Nuh uh,” Natalie’s voice was murderous. “If you love us than why are you giving us away?”  
How do you explain the law to a seven-year-old?  
“We aren’t giving you,” Lily whispered softly. “This isn’t what we want. We’re both very sad and very angry too, and that’s okay. But sometimes you...you sometimes have to do things that you wish more than anything you didn’t have to do. Your father didn’t do anything wrong. He loves you too. Daddy and I will never ever stop loving you girls. But we got to have our turn. We had our turn and it was the most wonderful time of our lives. It’s your dad’s turn now.”  
“But what if he doesn’t like us?” Audrey whispered. “What if he’s mean? What if...what if he’s like...our old mommy?”  
“I don’t think he will be. But if he is, you tell Cassie. You tell Cassie right away and we’ll fix it together.”  
Natalie clearly wasn’t convinced, but she didn’t say anything else, apparently in the interest of not further upsetting her sister.   
Two days passed far too quickly, and before Tony knew it, it was time. It seemed as though all of the tears that could be cried had been, so that morning when Cassie arrived, he and Lily hugged and kissed the girls, told them how much they were loved, and then Natalie turned to him and whispered,  
“Don’t forget me.”  
“Never. Never, ever, never. You’re always going to be my little leading lady. Take care of your sister okay? And remember, if anything...you can call Cassie. If you need us, call Cassie and we’ll be right there.”  
The child had nodded. Tony strapped her into her booster seat, closed the car door, and then they were gone.  
Lily made it into the house before the torrents came, but she wouldn’t let him anywhere near her. Instead she balled up her fists and said,  
“Call Cassie. I want you to call Cassie and tell her we’re taking our names out of the pool. I can’t do this, T. I’m never doing this again.”_

Let the records show, however, that they had, in fact, done it again. Three times. Three amazing, incredible times, and now one of those times was sitting in front of them telling them that he had met one of those twins. 

Could it be? That maybe…

“She knows who you are?”

Lily broke the silence. Roman nodded slowly.

“I...I recognized her from the picture in your office.”

“You recognized...but she was so young then. They were both so young and they’re your age now…”

“I know. But her smile hasn’t changed a bit.”

Lily covered her face with her hands for a moment, and Tony fully expected tears to begin, but when she looked at him her eyes were dry and happy.

“How did she react?” Lily asked Roman softly.

“She...was surprised. Shocked I think. Like she didn’t stay around to talk about it but I don’t think she was angry; it didn’t feel like anger. I don’t know, it’s hard to say. I don’t know where to go from here. But I had to tell you. I wish I could’ve just brought them both here but I just wasn’t sure…and...Mama...I’ve suspected this for awhile. I noticed a few weeks ago and I wanted to tell you then. I even talked to Dean and Seth about it but then we agreed that I needed to find out for sure before I said anything to you. I’ msorry I didn’t tell you. I just didn’t want you to get hurt again.”

“It’s okay,” Lily gently rested her hand on Roman’s arm. “It’s okay, kiddo, it’s fine. I mean...it’s been years. I’ll bet she was pretty stunned too . And it’s not up to you to get them here. I just...T, what do we do now?”

“I...don’t know,” Tony was feeling fairly stunned himself. “Do we wait to see if she asks to see us or do we make the first move? You know it’s highly possible that she doesn’t want to go back to that place...and could we blame her?”

“No...no, that was a hard time for us. We have to assume that she and Audrey did okay. I’ve always had to believe that for my own sanity, just...Ro? Baby, do you have her email address?”

“Yeah...we do,” Roman murmured, looking at his mother. 

“Are you comfortable giving it to me?”

Roman nodded.

“So...then I’ll email her,” Lily told Tony softly. “I’ll email her and let her know that the ball’s in her court and if she doesn’t want to get together I completely understand, but I just want them to know...I want them to know that we never stopped loving them. We never forgot them.”

“She seemed really surprised that you still have her picture,” Megan spoke suddenly. “Like she didn’t expect that. I think...I think she thought you guys forgot all about her. But I bet she’ll want to see you once she’s had some time to think about it.”

“What about Audrey?” Tony asked. 

“We’ve never met Audrey,” Roman confirmed. “And...I don’t think Natalie’s ever really talked about her, but I don’t know what that means.”

“The only time we’ve really spent with her was working on school projects; until Roman asked her if she knew you, none of us had ever really discussed families,” Megan added.

At that moment, Dean walked in.

“Hey! What’s for dinner, I’m star---guys? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Roman murmured. “I told them about Natalie. Mom’s going to send her an email and then we’ll just see…”

Dean’s face softened. 

“Good,” he said quietly. “Good. I’m really glad, Mom, Dad. I hope that everything works out okay. I think not knowing how he was doing would kill me.”

Dean walked to Finn’s bassinet and picked him up.

“Yeah…” Tony said. “I think that was the hardest part. Not necessarily losing them. I mean that was horrible, sure, but the not knowing…”

“I had nightmares,” Lily recalled. “I knew their past and I’d wake up shaking. I really didn’t truly begin to heal until...until you, Ro.”

“I remember we talked about it once,” Roman smiled at his mother. “I’d been sick and I asked you, why me?” 

“That’s right,” Lily smiled too. “Listen, Roman, Dean, you know, you three boys---I truly believe that you were the kids we were meant to parent. And we love you so much. You know that. No matter what happens with them going forward, you three will always be our number one. Wait. That sounds funny.”

Dean laughed.

“We know what you mean though.”

The four Girardi’s and Megan sat together in silence for awhile, Dean still cradling a sleeping Finn, when they heard the garage door. Seth came bounding in, followed by Valentino, both wearing huge grins---until Seth caught sight of the rest of them.

“Did I miss a family meeting?” 

“Oh, baby, no,” Lily stood up and hugged him. “We only just found out...Roman’s met Natalie. Remember, Natalie, who we’d intended to adopt?”

A noticeable shadow fell over Seth’s face; it almost seemed to Tony like all of the air deflated out of him. 

“Yes,” he whispered, then he looked at Roman quizzically. Roman just nodded his head.

“I told them,” he said, voice gentle and almost apologetic.

“Oh...oh...well, good,” Seth murmured softly. He offered his mother a smile, but Tony noticed that it didn’t reach his eyes anymore. 

“Mom’s going to email them,” Dean sounded excited, but Seth’s expression darkened slightly.

“So you want to meet them then,” he said slowly, and Tony nodded.

“Yeah. Yeah, we do. We want to know that they were taken care of. This is going to, hopefully, be a very exciting time for this family.”

“It sure is,” Lily was still grinning from ear to ear, one arm wrapped around Seth. “They’d have been your sisters, bub. What do you think of that?”

“I think that’s awesome, Mama,” now Seth seemed uncomfortable, as though his mother’s embrace was hurting him or something. Tony raised an eyebrow, and then something hit him in the gut like a freight train. Seth’s audition had been today, his very first drama tryout ever. And in the excitement, they’d completely forgotten. Tony began to ask him about it. Then Valentino interjected.

“Tell them your good news, Seth,” he said. 

“What news, bub?” Lily asked him.

“I...um...I got a part. Iago. I’m going to play Iago,” he said slowly. Then he turned and slipped right out of his mother’s arms and out of the living room, followed by Valentino. And as they walked away, Tony distinctly heard Valentino mutter,

“If anyone else even cares” under his breath.

 

________________________________________

 

As tough as it was to balance everything, Dean never regretted playing basketball. He found that it made for a nice release; he could forget about everything else while he was on the court and just let it all out, while being much safer than riding his dirtbike. He hadn’t ridden since his accident last year, and no way was he going to start again, not with Finn to consider. In fact, his wrecked bike had never even been replaced. 

The first time he played a game knowing his son was in the crowd being tended to by his parents, even though Finn surely didn’t understand any of it, Dean still felt the most satisfying sense of pride. He also, for the first time in his life, finished the first quarter of his senior year with six A’s and a B. 

He wasn’t at all sure what had come over him, actually.

He just knew that no matter what, he had to put 100% of himself into everything he did now, because he didn’t just have his own future to consider. 

They established a pretty solid routine, Dean and his family, and every one of them stepped up to help him out, which made him feel honored, loved, valued...and guilty.  
It wasn’t like he wanted his parents to pay for everything, but if he was going to play basketball, an after school job was off the table. He considered getting something on the weekends, but then...when was he going to see Finn?

So when his mother gently reminded him for the hundredth time that she and Dad were happy to help, and not to stress over it too much, Dean was thankful---but still guilty.

Not only did they pay for everything, they also stepped up to help care for the baby while he went to practice and studied. After Finn’s second ear infection, they insisted Dean sleep tonight because he had a huge science test the next morning. Finn was feeling better, clearly, but he was still restless and whiny, and Dean knew it would be a long night. He reluctantly agreed; his grade in biology 2 was right on the cusp of an A and he knew this test would probably be the precursor for the final. He needed his sleep. But he wanted to be there for his son.

If Dean went to college, he reckoned, it would take him at least five years to get a job that was decent enough to provide for Finn, which meant a long time living with his parents. Actually, it wasn’t the living with his parents part that bothered him so much; just the financial burden. So when Dean got a call from Cici one Friday afternoon, he was intrigued.

“Dean? Listen, I hate to ask you this on such short notice but my cousin is getting married tomorrow and her photographer just cancelled---she has the flu. It’s not a huge wedding and they don’t have much of a budget so they couldn’t pay you too much, but I was hoping you’d consider it. I’ve seen your senior portraits and your baby pictures and you’re just so talented; you were the first person I thought of when Amara called me crying. What do you think? Can you do it?”

But Dean was hooked on just one part.

“Pay me?”

He could practically hear Cici smile.

“Yes, pay you. Honest, it’s not a ton of money; they just don’t have a huge budget but they just want some nice photos of the ceremony and the reception and of course the usually poses on the altar and stuff. They can only afford about $500, but I’m certain she’d be okay with you using the photos to add to a portfolio if you have one---”

“Cici, of course, for you, I’ll do it,” Dean interrupted. “Just---I’ve never done a wedding. They know that, right?”

“They know. They don’t care. Baby, I know you and I know you’ll do an amazing job, so please don’t take this the wrong way, but they’re so desperate they’d ask just about anyone. So when I told them I’d call you and that you’d never done a wedding, but that everything you HAVE done has been exceptional, they were completely down. Hopeful even. So you’ll do it?”

“Of course I’ll do it. Where and what time?”

Cici began rattling off information, and Dean wrote it all down, but it was hard to pay attention. He was already calculating in his head how many diapers he could get with $500.

Dean spent the night scouring the Internet for wedding pose ideas, but he found that the second he got there, everything he’d seen flowed out of his head. This wasn’t a bad thing though; it was almost like someone else took over the controls in his brain, and every single pose and candid just came to him. Thirty minutes in, he’d forgotten he was ever even nervous. At the end of the evening, Cici hugged him profusely and thanked him over and over, and he left with promises of a CD within a week---and a check.

The pride Dean felt at being able to actually provide Finn with something on his own was ridiculous and addicting, and without really looking the photos over, he knew they were good. Maybe even amazing. He couldn’t wait to get home and sit down at his computer, and do some serious editing while he snuggled with his son.

 

____________________________

 

Lily was still, several days later, walking around in a state of hopeful shock. 

She hadn’t emailed Natalie yet---she hadn’t yet decided what to say, but one thing was certain, and that was that she wanted the girls to know that she had always loved them. She’d never stopped; she’d never stopped wondering, or worrying, or even hoping for some kind of reunion some day. 

Of course, her biggest worry now was that Natalie and Audrey would want nothing to do with them, which was was a very real concern, but she somehow had a feeling that it didn’t need to be. She couldn’t expect them to just drop their family, whatever family they had, and run on over and become Girardi’s again (though she’d welcome them with open arms if they did). She just didn’t think that a simple email could hurt anything.

It was all Lily thought about all weekend, and she knew that she wasn’t really focusing on anything else. She put Finn’s diaper on backwards. She put the milk away in the pantry. Her husband and sons teased her lightheartedly, although Tony did seem slightly annoyed when he had to race to prevent her from dumping bleach in a load of baby Finn’s dark colored clothes.

And something was on Tony’s mind, something else that Lily hadn’t even noticed. When he brought it to her attention, in fact, she kind of brushed it off.

“I really think we need to talk to Seth. I'm worried. He seems bummed. And he needs to know he's still ours and we’re not going to forget about him.”

“Seth?” Lily murmured absently, more focused on what she was writing than on what her husband was saying.

“Yeah. Seth. Remember Seth? Curly-haired kid? Reads a lot?”

The dripping sarcasm in her husband’s voice was what finally caught Lily’s attention and she looked up to find him almost-but-not-quite glaring at her. His gaze did look slightly disapproving, but for the life of her, she couldn’t understand it.

“Oh, don't be silly, of course Seth knows how much we love him. He's having the time of his life with the play; he's fine.”

Tony just shook his head.

“I’m not sure he’s fine, Lu. Watch him sometime. He’s frustrated about something, and I really think we need to make sure he understands that this is not a threat to him. I really do.”

“Okay. Okay, of course you’re right. Let’s go talk to Seth. Just---let me send this first.

Natalie,  
It’s hard for me to believe that here, after over 12 years, I have the chance to communicate with you somehow. I guess things work in strange ways sometimes; when Roman he’d met you, I realized what a small world it truly is.  
Ugh, scratch that. I hate that phrase. I don’t even believe that and I’m not sure when I became a walking cliche. Instead, let’s say that you meeting him was meant to be. Fate, maybe. I don’t know; what I do know is that since the last time I saw you, there hasn’t been a single day that I haven’t thought of you and Audrey, wondered how you were, and prayed that you were getting along well.   
First and foremost, you need to know how proud I am of you that you’re in college! When you were five you wanted to be a ballerina, a chef, and President. At six you said you’d grow to become a veterinarian. By seven, you said you couldn’t live without becoming a horse trainer. I wonder what you decided on---maybe even a combination of these things.  
I’m writing this to tell you that Tony and I have always loved you and your sister very very much; if I’ve learned anything in this journey I call motherhood, it’s that there are many things I want to change and more things that I can’t. I want to change the way things happened, but I would never ever change the time we did have together.   
You have no obligation to even respond to this, which I suspect you know. However, something else I want you to know is that if you can’t or don’t want to, it’s okay. This whole thing is overwhelming and asking a lot and if it’s too much, I’ll understand. I would ask you to take some time to think about it before deciding though. That’s all I ask. Just think it over. If you want to meet up, Tony and I will always be here and ready for that. I don’t want you to feel pressured in any way. No matter what you decide, we will still always love you. No matter what you decide, we will always miss you. But we will also be thrilled that we know that you’re alive and (hopefully) happy. I’ve enclosed my cell phone number, in case you ever need it. Please don’t hesitate to call.  
Tell Audrey we love her and miss her too.  
Love,  
Lily

She sighed and closed her laptop and just as she was about to get up to go find Seth, he appeared in her doorway. Lily patted the spot next to her, and he gratefully climbed up into her lap and wrapped his arms and legs around her. She was surprised at this.

“Hey there,” she murmured, pressing a soft kiss to his temple. “What are you up to?”

Her baby shrugged and didn’t answer, but he did snuggle up tight and rest his head on her shoulder. She rubbed his back softly; it was beginning to seem that   
perhaps Tony had been right. Here he was, clearly seeking out comfort. There were so many things right then that she realized she wanted to say to Seth.

I love you.  
What’s wrong?  
You will always be my bub, no matter how much you tire of hearing it.  
I promise, it’s going to be okay.  
You’re the very best baby boy there ever was.  
I’m so happy to be your mom.  
Don’t be sad.  
How can I help make it better?

Yes, so many things. But before she could get a word out, her computer chirped like a bird. She snatched it up and opened it and her heart leaped.

Natalie had responded.


	117. Mami's Boys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorty, but necessary to bridge Seth's angst over his sexuality in the direction it needs to go. 
> 
> As always my apologies for taking forever but the good news is school is out for the summer in just about 2 more weeks.
> 
> This chapter is Seth heavy. If this is a problem, feel free to skip it! 
> 
> It has been just over a year now since I posted the first chapter---crazy!
> 
> It's about time for Baby's 1st Thanksgiving!
> 
> Also, new POV this time---let me know what you think about hearing from Valentino!

Seth’s mother sighed and he felt himself tense; here it came. She was going to drop him for this email from this child she hadn’t seen in years anyway. He just knew it. Except...she didn’t.

Instead she murmured to him,

“Shhhh...relax, bub. I’ve got you.”

He instantly did as he was told. It felt so good to just rest in her arms and feel protected and safe again. It had been so long. So so long. And yet…

“Don’t you want to read that?” He whispered, so softly that he half hoped Lily hadn’t heard him, but no such luck.

“I do,” she replied, and Seth moved to get up, but Lily wrapped her arms around him and hugged him close. 

“Don’t go, bub,” she murmured. Seth collapsed back against her.

“But you want to read...you want to read your email,” he knew his voice was barely audible. 

“Not as much as I want to snuggle with my bub.”

He couldn’t help it then---Seth began to cry.

He had no idea why, or what was really wrong. It just seemed as though months of anguish had been building up and were now oozing out of him. And as much as it seemed like his mother didn’t even notice him lately, she sure didn’t seem surprised. Lily didn’t say a single word, but she held onto him tightly with one arm while softly stroking his hair with the other. Seth didn’t cry long---just a few minutes---but as he sniffled and hiccupped his way to a shaky deep breath, he nestled closer to his mother and sighed.

“I love you, Seth,” Lily murmured, still running her fingers through his hair. 

Seth paused for a moment, trying to collect himself, before mumbling,

“I know.”

Another pause, as he continued to try to catch his breath, and then,

“So. Iago?”

Seth nodded against her shoulder.

“That’s a big part. I’m really proud of you, Seth. Shakespeare isn’t easy. Who’s playing Othello?”

Reveling in his mother’s pride, he smiled just a little.

“Vali. Who else?”

Lily laughed gently.

“He’s a drama guy too huh?”

“Yeah, he’s really, really good. I watched his audition. I knew right away they’d cast him as Othello; they’d have been dumb not to. I don’t think I wanted that part anyway; I’m just happy I got any part.”

“You want to know the truth though? Othello’s a good guy. Anyone can play him. Iago, he’s a true villain and that’s not an easy role. They must have a lot of faith in you. I know I do.”

This admission made Seth’s eyes well up again; he knew that, by not telling his parents about himself, he was essentially being dishonest but he just couldn’t help it. Especially now; especially knowing that them reuniting with their twins was a very distinct possibility.

And he just didn’t want to risk losing this. This closeness, cozy in his mama’s arms, safe, warm, and just...just normal. Right. Almost how it used to be.

“You’ll be there, right? You’ll come and watch?”

“Are you kidding me? I’ll be in the front row for every performance.”

Now Seth grinned, a real smile, and he turned to look up into his mother’s eyes.

“It was kind of scary, Mom. Auditioning. I wasn’t too sure that I could do it, but Vali said I could, I just had to focus. So I tried to block everything else out and I just did it and I knew I’d done well. It felt really good.”

“There is nothing like being on stage,” Lily kissed his forehead. “You know Daddy and I want to support everything you guys want to do and we have, but I’ve always sort of hoped that ONE of you would get into drama.”

“I’m glad you’re proud of me, Mama,” Seth whispered.

“I’m always proud of you. I have always been proud of you, I will always be proud of you. You’re a good kid...no, you’re a great kid. And...Seth William? Look at me.”

He obliged his mother, because she sounded serious but also because he liked the way her eyes smiled too.

“No matter what happens with the twins? You are my baby.”

His eyes filled with tears yet again but happy ones this time, and then he reached for her laptop. 

“You should read it.”

“You think?”

“Yes. As long as I’m still gonna be your baby.”

Lily laughed. 

“Always,” she said. Seth sat up and crawled over beside his mom as she slowly opened her computer, but as soon as she clicked the keyboard, he could tell that the response was not what she wanted.

“What does it say?” Seth asked cautiously.

“It...umm...it looks like...they just want to be left alone…”

Seth felt guilt constrict his chest; this was what he wanted but the look on his mother’s face made him feel anything but happy. She looked as though she wanted to cry, and seeing his mother cry was one of the worst things ever.

So Seth did the only thing he could think of. He wriggled closer and snuggled up under Lily’s arm, rested his head on her belly, and said,

“I’m sorry, Mama. But you’ll always have me.”

He felt Lily’s arm tighten around him and then, although her voice still sounded sad, it also sounded resolute as she said,

“I’m so glad. I’m so, so, so very glad.”

For the next couple of days, life almost felt normal to Seth. He spent the rest of the weekend hanging out with his family; Lily seemed subdued but not devastated or anything like that. She even helped Seth begin to practice his lines, and each time he recited, she’d get a starry look in her eyes.

“Oh, baby,” she said more than once. “I knew you could do this, but you’re just so natural.”

It made him happy. Spending time with his brothers made him happy---they played a Call of Duty marathon on Sunday, sprawled all over the living room, and although Roman occasionally fielded texts from Megan, and although they passed little Finn around the whole time, it still felt like a regular old afternoon. It was mid-November but still in the 50’s outside, so their father grilled burgers and they had an awesome meal. Seth went to bed Sunday night feeling the most content he had felt in months.

He should have known it wouldn’t last.

When he got home from school the next day, his mother was a buzz. Dean was at basketball practice and Roman was at football practice, and Seth had been looking quite forward to spending some time with his mom again; he intended to ask her to help him work on his lines some more, but the second he walked through the door, it was clear that something had happened.

“Sethie!” Lily practically shrieked when he walked through the door. He was taken aback; was she that happy to see him? But...no…

“I heard from Audrey!” Seth froze.

“You...did? But I thought it was Natalie who you emailed…”

“It was! It was, I don’t know how she got my email, Natalie must’ve given it to her, but she emailed me today. She said that Natalie is really overwhelmed by all of this, but she was our daughter too and she wants to see us! She wants to get together with me and Daddy and she wants to meet you boys!”

He felt his heart sink. And Seth knew he was being a giant idiot, but he felt himself beginning to wither under his mother’s excitement. She said, though. She said no matter what that he would always be her baby. He was being a moron. Everything was fine. He just needed to chill.

“Bub, watch the baby, okay? I need to write her back. Oh, Seth. I’m so excited. Are you excited? You’ll get to meet her. She would’ve been your big sister.”

“I...I’m glad you get to see her. I...yeah. I’ll watch him.”

Lily dashed off, presumably to her office, and Seth picked Finn up into his arms. The baby offered him a dazzling smile, one that Seth normally couldn’t resist, but today...today it just made him feel that much worse.

 

____________________________________________

 

Valentino Dawson had never cared for someone so much before. Of course he’d dated, had had a few serious boyfriends, had lost his virginity at age 16, and had definitely had feelings or other guys. But he couldn’t remember a time when he ever felt for anyone what he felt for Seth Girardi. 

For one thing, the boy was beautiful. You could see to the center of the earth in those eyes, so expressive and wide, except when he laughed. His real laugh. Seth had two laughs; one that was kind of an uncomfortable cackle/titter, a sure sign he was feeling insecure, but his real laugh was beautiful, melodious, and it made Vali want to laugh too.

His lips were oh-so-kissable too, and while Valentino knew he would never be anything but a gentleman (his mother had raised him better than that), he did desperately hope that some day Seth would be ready for more.

In the meantime, they had a whole lot of fun making out.

They made out in Valentino’s car before school. They made out in Seth’s car after school. They made out in the tree house, Vali’s garage, and Starbucks. They tried to make out in the locker room at school, but that didn’t work too well with so many people moving in and out. There were definitely times when Seth’s anxiety became palpable; he’d break out in a sweat and begin to shiver and breathe erratically. Valentino always slowed things way down and sometimes stopped kissing Seth altogether and instead he’d wrap his arms around his guy and just hold on. Seth always relaxed, and afterwards they talked about it and it always seemed as though they were both better for it once it was over. 

At school, they weren’t officially together, although Vali didn’t think there were too many people who didn’t know that they were a pair. And at Valentino’s house there was nothing to hide. Only when Seth’s parents were around did they have to act like just friends. 

And that bothered Vali. Seth was very self-conscious of his sexuality, and a large part of that was due, as far as Valentino could tell, to his inability to talk to his parents about it. Seth swore up and down that he wasn’t afraid that they’d be upset with him, but Valentino wasn’t at all sure Seth was being honest, or maybe he thought he was and just didn’t realize that he wasn’t. No, Vali wasn’t sure. But either way he didn’t like it.

His own parents, at first, had been uncertain. But his mother made it clear that, no matter what, they loved him. It wasn’t, she explained, that they did not like the fact that he was gay. It worried them, because his race made his life harder than the average kid already and his sexuality was sure to make it harder. She worried about him, would always worry, but their love was unconditional and they would support him. Eventually Valentino’s parents began attending equal rights events and bringing him along and giving their blessings when he began to look into finding out more about equality himself.

But Seth, for all of his insecurity, was an incredible person. Besides being gorgeous, he had a sensitivity about him that made him caring and tender. One afternoon they’d been playing Frisbee in the park when they happened across an injured bird. Valentino had been weary, because didn’t birds carry diseases? Seth though, had picked the tiny thing right up in his hands, stroked its head with his finger, and talked to it quietly. It had died on the way out to Seth’s parents’ house (Seth insisted his mother could fix it), and Valentino’s heart had melted when tears welled up in his boyfriend’s eyes. 

They’d buried the little bird in the woods near the treehouse and afterwards, Vali had hugged Seth tight.

“You’re amazing,” he had murmured.

“I couldn’t fix it,” Seth whispered sadly, and Vali hugged him even closer.

“But you cared enough to try,” Valentino replied. “That’s something.”

Seth was also funny and brilliant. It seemed he knew something about virtually any topic Valentino wanted to discuss, and they could go out, spend hours talking, and then go home and spend a few more hours texting until they both realized it was 4 am and they’d have to get up for school soon. 

He had a strong need to save everyone and everything, even considering all of his fears, there was no doubt in Valentino’s mind that someday Seth was going to change the world. Fate must’ve been what brought them together at the school that day, but what kept them together was mutual respect, trust, and love.

Yes, love.

Valentino was in love with Seth. And he was pretty sure that Seth was in love with him, though he didn’t know how long it would take for Seth to say so. It was okay though. Seth was definitely worth the wait.

As much as Vali hated hiding who they were from Seth’s mother and father, he did like Seth’s family a lot. Lily and Tony, although clearly oblivious to Seth’s anxiety lately, were still incredibly kind, loving parents. There were many afternoons when Vali went over there to study with Seth, and Lily always greeted her son with a hug and an “I love you” and a “how was your day?” Once, Valentino was having a horrible time with his calculus homework, so Lily passed Seth’s nephew to him and sat down and explained it in a way that was MUCH easier to understand. 

Seth’s brothers were pretty cool too, once Vali understood that they were (probably) just messing with him when they threatened his life over Seth. One afternoon Lily was out and Valentino just couldn’t help but to lean over and gently kiss Seth’s lips in the kitchen, until he looked up and saw Roman in the doorway silently flexing his muscles. Valentino froze for a moment, but then Roman grinned and flashed him a thumbs up and he instantly knew that it was (mostly) in jest.

Vali had no qualms about introducing Seth to his parents, either, although he did consider that his mother might be a little too much for Seth. Araceli Dawson was a tiny, Hispanic ball of dynamite, and she adored her son. She was protective, sharp, extremely intelligent, and had very little filter when it came to keeping things to herself. But she had a huge heart and she believed there was good in almost everyone, and she would do absolutely anything to help another person. 

When Seth first came out to Vali’s house, Valentino made no bones about it:

“Mami, Pop, this is Seth. My boyfriend.”

He’d told his parents about Seth already, of course, so the first thing his Mami did was envelope him into a massive hug, even though Seth was considerably taller. He stiffened at first, unsure, but it didn’t take long for him to realize that Mami was safe.

“Vali, he’s GORGEOUS!” Mami had exclaimed, and Seth blushed. “Come, sit, tell me all about you.”

So Seth did. He told her about his family, school, his hobbies. He told her how he loved to cook, and she immediately perked up.

“Vali, he’s no chef,” she said, Spanish accent thick but full of love. “He try, he does try, he just...it’s bad.”

Seth laughed.

As the weeks progressed, Valentino could tell that Seth was growing fond of his Mami, though he was also clearly intimidated by his imposing Pop. Ezekiel Dawson was tall, broad, and definitely not someone to mess with. But Vali knew he was also a giant teddy bear; his father’s large hands had never provided him with anything except comfort and support, and eventually Seth grew used to him. 

It all went well until Mami found out that Seth wasn’t out to his parents.

“Your Mama gonna be mad?” Araceli asked him one day as the boys studied at the kitchen table. 

Seth shook his head but a shadow cast over his eyes.

“No...no, she won’t be mad. My dad won’t either. It’s just...I’ve got a new nephew. My brother’s not even 18 yet and my parents...they’ve been trying to help him as much as he can because he’s a senior too. And there’s so much else happening right now. They’re all so busy. I want to tell them but...I’m not ready yet.”

“But they’re your parents,” Mami protested. 

“Yes...yes, I know.”

“They love you...they still gonna love you, bebé.”

“They will,” Seth agreed. “But...now isn’t the right time. My mother loves me but she doesn’t need this right now.”

Araceli’s eyes narrowed any time Lily’s name was mentioned after that.

But Seth was always welcome in the Dawson household. Occasionally Mami would catch them smooching and she would just smile. One night she came and sat on the edge of Valentino’s bed. He was reading his part of Othello for the school play, but he set it down on the bed and turned to look at her.

“Seth...you love him?” Mami asked softly, and Vali nodded.

“Yeah...I do. I do love him. He’s special...Mami, I really think maybe he’s the one for me.”

Araceli smiled.

“Then I love him too, mi hijo. I love him too.”


	118. Joy to the World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My darlings! School is OUT. Updates should begin coming much more frequently again! Thank you to those of you who have been so very patient with me!
> 
> Not in any way Christmas themed...wait for it...

Tony was worried about his family, and his wife, much as he loved her, wasn’t helping. Ever since she’d heard from Audrey, learned that Audrey wanted to reunite, it was as though Lily had tunnel vision. It was all she talked about, and to a certain extent he didn’t blame her. She’d loved those girls. She’d been broken when they were taken away. But...so had he. 

He was past worried about Seth by now; how anyone could deny that something was going on was beyond Tony. Seth was rarely home. He was almost always out with Valentino, and if he wasn’t out with his friend, Valentino was usually at the house. It wasn’t that Tony didn’t like Valentino; he just didn’t really KNOW him and this weird change in his son had seemed to begin shortly after the two boys met. But suddenly he was an entirely different person.

When Seth was home, unless he was playing with Finn, he was brooding. Although Tony never actually saw his son cry, he often had the red-eyed, puffy look that accompanied tears. He didn’t seem to be on drugs or anything of that sort, and Tony was fairly sure that he wasn’t doing anything else illegal, but his behavior was still so unusual. His midterms came in and he was pulling a perfect GPA, balancing play practice with school work so Tony could hardly complain, and if he was honest, yes, Seth had a natural tendency towards moodiness anyway but...he’d been a parent long enough by now to know that his instinct was trustworthy, and this was different.

Whether he had an inkling of what was going on or not, Tony just didn’t know how to broach the subject with his son. Close as they were, it was still sometimes hard for Tony to relate to Seth. It seemed he loved that boy more with every passing day, just the way he loved Roman and Dean, but of the three boys, Seth was the one who was hardest to understand.

It didn’t take long for the opportunity to talk to his youngest to arise, though. 

He arrived home from work one day to find the entire house tense. The first person he ran into was Roman, who muttered,

“Watch out. Mom is on a warpath.”

Tony looked at his son wearily.

“What do you mean?”

“She’s just freaking out, Dad. She’s so worried about meeting Audrey on Sunday that she’s been cleaning all day, and now she’s out grocery shopping AGAIN. No one’s allowed to touch anything, and we’re not allowed to eat anything either…”

“She’s not letting you EAT?” Tony was incredulous; he knew that Lily was stressing herself out but this seemed completely excessive.

“Well...she’d probably let us eat. But she won’t let us eat any of the stuff she’s cooked for Sunday…”

Tony laughed then.

“Roman...son...I know you boys love it when she cooks but in this case, I think you need to give her a pass. It’s two more days. You and Dean and Seth won’t waste away if you make yourselves a sandwich instead of digging into the other stuff. Anyway, isn’t there leftover caprese chicken?”  
Roman’s face brightened.

“Oh! Yeah, you’re right, I’ll go fix that.”

“Save some for your brothers, buddy. But I’ll talk to Mom…”

“I’ll save some for Dean. He’ll be home late. But I don’t think Seth wants anything,” Roman responded.

“Why’s that?” Tony asked.

“He’s in a mood. He went straight to his room when he got home. He and Mom argued because he wants to invite Valentino over when Audrey comes over, and she said no…”

Tony sighed.

“Don’t worry about it, son. Just go fix yourself a plate. I’ll take care of Seth too. You’ve got an important game tomorrow.”

It was true. Roman’s team stood to make it to a Bowl game if they won on Saturday. It wouldn’t be a huge Bowl, probably untelevised, but no matter which one it was, Tony was going to take the entire family to whatever the destination. 

Seth was curled up on his his side, practically drowning in a hoodie Tony didn’t recognize when he knocked on his son’s door.

“Bub? Hey, buddy, let’s eat. I’m going to heat up some dinner,” Tony offered, but Seth shook his head. 

“I’m not very hungry.”

“No? Everything okay? You feel okay?” Perching himself on the edge of Seth’s bed, Tony reached a hand towards his youngest, who flinched slightly. Tony frowned. It had been a couple of years since the last time THAT happened. 

“I’m fine,” Seth murmured listlessly.

“No, you’re not,” Tony replied quietly and Seth finally turned to look up at him.

“How would you know?” 

Taken aback by the sharp tone of Seth’s voice, Tony sighed.

“Seth, come on. I know you’re mad at your mother. I get it. Valentino’s your friend; you want him to be here when you meet your sister, but this---”

Seth, in one swift movement, leaped to his feet, and Tony for the life of him could not put to words the expression on his boy’s face. There was anger for sure, but also sadness, and...something else...something…

“First of all, she is NOT my sister,” he hissed. “No matter what either of you says, she’s NOT. I don’t have any sisters. I have two brothers and I miss my old life. I don’t want a sister. I’ve never wanted one. So what, am I supposed to be excited? Because I’m not, Dad. I’m not. I’m just NOT. 

“Second of all, you guys can write off my relationship with Valentino, sure, because you just don’t GET IT. And I don’t know how to tell you, or how to explain it, and it fucking scares the SHIT out of me. Okay? That what you want to hear? I’m scared shitless, Dad, because I don’t know what’s wrong with me but Valentino...he’s not my friend. He’s not JUST my friend. He’s...he...I…” Seth trailed off, but for the first time during the whole conversation, Seth’s deep brown eyes met Tony’s light brown eyes and Tony could see, really see, into them. Neither of them spoke for a moment but neither of them needed to, as the realization hit Tony like a freight train.

Suddenly it was like someone poked Seth with a pin and deflated him; all of the bravado faded from his eyes and fear took its place, a fear that was still painfully familiar even though it had been ages since Tony last saw it, and he thought he could feel his heart crack.

“You love him,” he said simply, and Seth recoiled.

“No…” he whispered, but Tony nodded his head.

“You do,” he murmured again, and this time Seth shrank and began shaking his head.

“No...no, no, I’m sorry,” he began, almost begging, shrinking down even further as Tony reached for him.

“Seth,” Tony tried to speak calmly as he let it sink in; his son was in love with another boy, but that hardly seemed pertinent right now, because before his very eyes, Seth began to break down.

“No...no, I don’t. I don’t. I’m sorry, Daddy, I didn’t---I’m not---I won’t be---”

“Seth. It’s OKAY,” Tony finally managed to pull Seth close, speaking firmly, almost too firmly, but God DAMMIT, he needed his boy to hear him right now. 

“It’s okay,” he repeated, and Seth froze, still pulled back away from his dad, but no, Tony wasn’t going to let go, couldn’t let go now, because now was the pivotal moment. He sensed it, sensed that the way he handled this right now was going to be the defining moment in his relationship with his youngest son. He didn’t even think, just let the words fly out.

“I’ve got you. I love you. It’s okay.”

Seth sagged against his father and Tony drew him in tight, arms strong, and they were both crying by then but he just didn’t care, and he suspected Seth didn’t either. For a few moments they just held onto each other, Tony softly patting Seth’s back, Seth’s arms wrapped tightly around Tony’s neck, and while they sat together silently except for the occasional sniffle, Tony tried to remember what it was like to be 17.

He’d been a cocky teenager, the youngest of 13, after all, and no one had ever told him no, not really, not over anything serious, so he had no reason to ever doubt himself anyway but still, the thing that 17-year-old Tony had wanted more than anything was approval.

Now here he sat, cradling his kid in his arms, this child who’d just unleashed a huge burden, who was desperately clinging to him, and Tony knew that Seth needed his approval more than anything right then, so he leaned down and said softly into his son’s ear,

“There’s nothing wrong with you. Never think that. You’re just fine, Seth. Son, you’re just fine. You’re better than fine. You’re amazing, buddy. It’s okay. I should’ve known…”

This was clearly the wrong thing to say, as Seth stiffened in his arms.

“You should’ve known...how could...you know, that kid in London? He knew. He knew before I even knew. By the time I met Vali I knew but I couldn’t admit it, not even to myself, but you should’ve known. How is that? How is it that everyone knew before I did?”

Tony couldn’t help it then; he smiled down at Seth.

“No, no, you’ve misunderstood, let me finish,” he said quietly. “There’s nothing specific about you, son, I just mean...I should’ve known because now I think about it, you look at Valentino the way...the way I look at your mother.” 

“Please don’t tell her,” Seth’s reply was so automatic that it took Tony by surprise.

“Don’t tell her...what?”

“That I’m gay, don’t tell her, please Daddy, please don’t tell her.”

“Seth...she’s your mother. Do you honestly think---what? What’s going on here?”

Seth took a deep breath.

“Dad, please, just...just please. Don’t tell her. I’m gonna tell her, I promise, just...just please let me do it when I’m ready. Please?”

Tony looked Seth over. He never kept things from Lily, but at the same time, he knew that Seth’s relationship with her was fragile just then, and he also knew that his youngest was feeling vulnerable. As much as it killed him to know that Seth was afraid to talk to his mother, he knew that he needed to respect him, at least for now.

“It’s your thing to tell her, buddy. I’m not going to but I want you to think about how hard it is to carry around this secret, okay? Think about how much better you’ll feel when you have that talk. Do you feel better now that I know?”

Seth nodded slowly.

“Yes, but...but I didn’t…” his voice lowered to a whisper. “I didn’t know I was going to tell you tonight…”

“I know. You know what though? Seth, you’ve gotta understand, we’re your parents. Your sexuality isn’t...it’s not a choice, you know? It’s not like your mom and I have ever thought, damn, we’d better not ever have any gay kids. I know it’s...it’s a hot button issue, right? But in this family, there is no judgement, Seth. None at all. It’s just part of who you are and who you are is damn awesome, and she’s not going to be mad just like I’m not mad. Son, don’t be afraid. It’s been...tense. I know that; we all know that.”

“I know. I just...you don’t...Dad, it just feels like...like everything I do is wrong. Ever since...I don’t know. I feel so stupid for feeling like this but I just can’t help it. I just want...I love Finn but sometimes...I wish everything could just go back the way it was.”

“I get it,” Tony replied slowly. “It’s not easy.. But here’s the thing you’ve got to remember, buddy. Finn isn’t always going to be little and helpless, and Dean isn’t always going to be a student who needs as much help as he does. You’re always going to be your mama’s baby boy, though. Even when she’s 90. She doesn’t love you any less, I promise. She’s distracted lately, true. And I imagine it feels 10 times worse when you’re carrying around this secret, which is exactly why you need to talk to her.”

Seth sighed.

“I promise I will. But not now. I don’t think she’d have time to sit down and listen to me anyway…”

It hit Tony in the gut that his son was probably right. His mother was far too distracted by everything else, which couldn’t continue; not at the expense of their kid. He’d keep his promise to his son to let him talk to her about Valentino. But he knew he was going to have to have a chat with her about everything else. And soon.

 

_________________________________________

 

After years of wondering, Lily was going to find out the answer to one of her life’s most burning questions: what had become of Natalie and Audrey?

She was excited about this, and dammit, wasn’t she allowed to be? She didn’t understand why, after the initial frenzy of happiness, everyone else in her family had completely cooled off to meeting Audrey the next day.

Lily almost understood Seth’s mistrust of the situation; he was always cautious anyway. It annoyed her that he’d thrown a fit like a child over not being allowed to invite Valentino for this, but he was under pressure too and Lily tried to remember that. And she could maybe get Roman and Dean’s hesitation too; did they worry that they’d be replaced? That was dumb, and surely by now that wasn’t the case, but she’d decided to sit the three of them down and have a long talk tomorrow anyway, except then she remembered that Audrey had always loved chocolate, so she’d have to make a from-scratch cake for Sunday. 

Then when she’d finally returned from the store, Tony had picked a fight.

Lily and Tony rarely fought; it just wasn’t in their nature. Every so often his Italian side and her Irish side clashed, but they were both reasonable people, and they usually wound up laughing. In the beginning when tension arose between them, it made the boys nervous but by now they understood that it wouldn’t last.

This, however, did not end in laughter.

It began when Lily arrived home from Target. It continued after Roman had taken Finn and disappeared into Seth’s room and closed the door. It kept going as Dean returned home, elated from the team’s away game win, and disappeared into Seth’s room with his brothers and son. It ended with Lily slamming the bedroom door and Tony sleeping on the couch. 

She was disappointed and infuriated to the point of insomnia, and she remained that way when she woke up on Saturday morning. 

Lily knew that by now they were acting childish, but dammit, what was his problem? Did he not want this? Tony had seemed excited at first, to reconnect with Audrey, but now that it was almost time he acted downright inconvenienced, and it pissed her off, to the point that she didn’t speak to him the entire way to the university to watch Roman’s football game, and she used Seth, Dean, Finn, and Megan to distance herself from him once they arrived at the stadium.

The whole time, he didn’t even look at her. Dumb as it was, that made her even angrier.

But she wasn’t going to dwell on it; Roman was out on the field and he was incredible. 

It had taken Lily a couple of games to adjust to the red and white Houston Cougars uniforms after seven years of seeing her baby in the black and gold donned by the Creek Ridge Colts, but her college boy was still an amazing player regardless of the colors he wore. He was still a good teammate, still dedicated, still a hard worker, and Lily had never been more proud.

That morning he had sent her a text.

_If we win this game, we’ll play in the Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl!_

When the topic of a Bowl game had first come up, Lily and Roman had sat at his computer looking over all the list of games that would be played in December and January, and they’d had fun laughing at some of the names, but Vegas sounded like a fun time to Lily. 

It shocked no one when the Cougars won. 

The tension was still thick when the Girardi’s arrived home, and with only one more day before seeing Audrey again, there was plenty to do, so Lily busied herself with cleaning and baking, completely oblivious to everyone else around her.

But her thoughts kept nagging, returning to the night before and the words she and her husband exchanged. What if...he was right?

No time to concern herself with that though.

On Sunday morning, Lily woke up surprisingly calm. Seth was up early too, so the two sat and enjoyed cups of coffee together in the kitchen. Aside from some circles under his eyes, her baby looked just fine. She reached out her hand to take his.

“Bub? I mean, Seth? How’s play practice coming?”

Seth looked up at her, a look of surprise in his eyes.

“It...good. It’s good. Why?”

Lily smiled.

“Because I want to know. Do you feel comfortable with your part? Learning the lines okay?”

“Yeah,” he murmured. “Yeah, I’m getting there. Valentino and I practice every day.”

“So...you’re enjoying it then?” Lily squeezed Seth’s hand and after a moment, Seth squeezed back.

“Yes. It’s fun. And I’m good at it, Mom. I’m actually GOOD at it.”

Lily laughed softly.

“You sound surprised, bub,” she said. Seth’s response quieted her though.

“I...I am. I’ve never been good at something. Like Roman and football...well, all sports really, and Dean with photography and drawing and now fatherhood.”

“Oh, Seth William...that’s not true at all. You’re good at so many things. Things that are every bit, if not more, important than sports and art. You just...listen. Seth. I owe you an apology, I think.”

“For...for what?” Seth looked surprised.

“For...I don’t think I’ve been paying you the proper attention lately. I know...I know I’ve been really focused on Audrey, and I just don’t know what to say or do to make you understand that she’s not replacing you. I just...just because I’m excited to see her again, to catch up---I can’t be her mother. Not anymore. And I don’t want to be. But you’ve got to understand, Seth---I can’t just shot off my concern for her, and for Natalie, and I don’t want to do that either. That doesn’t mean I have to choose between the two of them and the three boys I have. I’m just...I’m only one person, bub. But I’m still sorry. I can’t promise it’s going to be any less crazy around here for awhile, but I can promise that when it’s all settled, I’m still going to be your mother.”

Seth frowned. 

“Mommy?”

“Yeah, bub?”

“If...if you had kept them...would you have wanted more kids?”

“Well…” Lily sighed. “We never put a number on how many children we wanted. The timing worked out perfectly for all three of you boys, it’s true. But I like to think that we got the kids we were meant to get. And I can’t say for 100% sure what might have happened, but it doesn’t matter anymore anyway does it? These girls can’t change the way our lives worked out. So there’s no point to worrying about it. However, I think it’s fairly likely that we’d have wound up a family of seven.”

This news seemed to placate Seth, who sighed himself, a look of calm falling over him. 

“Mom? I’m sorry too. I haven’t been very understanding. It just...I don’t know if I’ll ever stop being afraid of losing all of this. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should have more faith in you and Dad but it’s still hard sometimes.”

“I know that, baby. I know. It’s okay. I think we can both work on this. Listen...I need to start marinating the chicken, bub, but let’s go out just the two of us one night soon okay? I haven’t had enough one-on-one time with any of you guys lately, and I miss that.”

“Okay. Okay, I’d like that. Can I help you? With the chicken?” Seth asked hesitantly. Lily grinned.

“Yes. I’d like that. Want to practice your lines while we do it?”

Seth’s whole face brightened. 

“Okay! Okay, I’d like that.”

The reunion was nothing short of incredible.

Right on time, at 4 p.m, the doorbell rang. Lily had been pacing the foyer, shivering just a little, and she saw a red car pull into the driveway. She watched a girl with long dark hair climb out, and---it was her.

She threw the door open and stood there. Audrey Flores stared back at her, and it was almost as though they hadn’t missed a moment in the past 12 years. Lily felt tears well in her eyes as she took in this girl, this beautiful child. She was taller, true, definitely a grown up now, but she still looked like she did at age seven. Slowly she held up her arms, and Audrey fell into them. Lily didn’t even mind when Tony approached them from the side and held tight to them both. No one spoke, until Audrey pulled back.

“They said we had to come with them,” she whispered. “We...they gave us a good life, they really did, but I never really stopped resenting my dad. I always wondered why we were never allowed to see you again.”

“But they took care of you?” Lily whispered.

“Oh, yeah, we...we didn’t want for anything,” Audrey replied, still clinging tight to Lily and Tony. “Except for you guys. We always wanted to know you. We always wanted to see you again. Natalie is...she’s afraid right now. She got really mad at me when she found out I was coming over. But I had to know. I had to hear you say what you wrote to her in that email.”

“Oh, precious girl,” Lily hugged Audrey close once again, and Tony murmured softly,

“It’s okay. Your...Lily. Lily was right. We never stopped loving you. We always prayed that we’d see you again someday. You girls left a place behind in our hearts, and we had to heal too. But we did. Do you want to meet our sons?”

Audrey nodded slowly. By then the boys and baby Finn were lined up in the hallway entrance, watching this whole exchange. 

“This is Roman. He’s our oldest,” Lily offered as Roman stepped forward and held out his hand.

“I’m glad to meet you,” he said softly. “I hope that this didn’t cause you too much trouble…”

“Oh, no,” Audrey reassured. “Natalie will come around...I think...but this is exactly what I wanted.”

“Next is our middle son, Dean,” Tony continued the introductions. “And this is our grandson, Finn.”

“Ohhhhhhhh...he’s darling!” Audrey squealed as she shook Dean’s hand. 

“Thank you,” Dean said, smiling. “He’s a flirt so watch him close. Aren’t you buddy?”

Finn grinned and a river of drool flowed out of his mouth. Audrey laughed.

“You’re a slobber monster!” She exclaimed, and then she turned to the youngest Girardi, who was holding back and looking pensive.

“And you must be Seth, then,” Audrey murmured. Seth nodded.

“Yeah. I’m Seth. It...it’s nice to meet you finally, Audrey.”

Audrey smiled. 

“It’s nice to meet you too, Seth. Lily told me all about you guys and every time she said one of your names she sounded so very happy. I---I’ve missed your parents. So very much, but...but I’m so happy they didn’t give up on having children of their own.”

Once dinner had ended, as she and Tony cleared the table, Lily listened to the kids as they sat and talked. 

“So you play football, you’re the artist, and you’re the actor? That’s cool. Natalie’s into theater. I played basketball in high school but now I just like to watch. I go to Houston too. I’m majoring in biology. Pre-vet.”

The conversation seemed so natural that an outsider wouldn’t know that there was an extra person their.

Then she heard Audrey let out a delighted squeal.

“Oh my gosh, is this Honey Badger? Oh my gosh, it IS. Hi there, beautiful. Man...how old is she now?”

“She’s about 16,” Lily answered making herself comfortable on the sofa next to Dean. “Getting up there. Still a good girl, though.” 

In all, Lily felt good about this. She felt solid, happy, like something had just clicked. Of course she hoped that eventually Natalie would want to come along. Of course she did. But this was still a dream come true, seeing her Audrey, and uplifted wasn’t even the right word to describe her heart right then.

 

_______________________________________

 

Dean couldn’t believe how quickly the weeks were turning to months. His baby boy would be four months old before much longer, and he was about to experience a very important first.

It was the Sunday before Thanksgiving, and the family was about to board a flight to New York. It would be Finn’s first time to fly, leave the state, and meet extended family, besides Nana and Granddad, who had visited when Finn was about two weeks old.

Traditionally, there was a great deal of hanging out, shopping, chilling, and eating. Although Nonna was approaching 95 years old, Dean was told that she was still as spritely as ever and could still cook a fair game. The very thought made him happy; his Nonna, his Nana, and his Mom were the best cooks on the planet. 

Dean hadn’t seen Nonna since Roman’s graduation, and although she’d been sent numerous pictures of Finn, she hadn’t met him. This would be the family’s first trip out to New York since Papa Angelo’s funeral. For two years straight, either he or Roman (or both) hadn’t been healthy during the holiday season, and their parents insisted on going as an entire family. No Girardi Left Behind was a common phrase in their house.

There was plenty to be nervous about on this trip. They’d be travelling all day. Finn had never been in his carseat for more than 30 minutes or so, but the flight into Philadelphia was about three and a half hours. Then there would be a two and a half hour layover, and then the last part, Philly to NYC, wasn’t too bad at about an hour flight time. Once they made it into Philadelphia, they could take turns holding Finn, walking him around, and letting him stretch. Dean wasn’t worried about that; the little fella had reached the age where he was becoming very aware of the world around him and he loved people watching. But Dean was afraid that the 3.5 hours on the plane would be brutal, and he was right.

Lily had told him they would play things by ear, and that it was okay to get him out of his carseat when the fasten seatbelt sign was off. Dean didn’t care for this idea at all, but he also wasn’t excited about leaving his baby in the carseat to fuss and cry for so long. So he packed a large variety of things: plenty of diapers and wipes, Finn’s Wubbanub plus several extra pacifiers, extra bottles, a container of formula, two blankets, three extra outfits, burp cloths, toys, a changing pad, and that was just in the carry-on. 

He didn’t miss his mother’s gentle laugh, but she didn’t try to correct him, and he wouldn’t have unpacked a thing anyway. As excited as he was to show off his son in New York, travelling with a young infant was stressing him out.

The first thing Dean noticed was the disapproving looks of the other passengers when he and his family showed up with a carseat. Dean had wanted to just hold the baby for the duration of the flight, but his father had convinced him that they would pay for a sixth ticket because it was safer for Finn. Dean appreciated this, but he knew his little man wouldn’t be a fan of the takeoff or the landing, and he was worried about Finn’s ears. Two ear infections in less than four months was already a concern. What if it was hard on him to fly?

The takeoff went great. They got the baby settled in his carseat between Tony and Dean, while Lily, Roman, and Seth sat across the aisle. Finn was fussy; he was hungry, and Dean had opted to hold his bottle just a little bit longer, hoping that if he popped it into the little one’s mouth during the ascent, it might help his ears pop. Sure enough, as the plane began to climb, Finn began to wail---until Dean offered him the nipple. Finn slurped it up so quickly that you could hear it, and his turquoise eyes were clearly relieved. As soon as he was done eating, he offered his daddy an enormous grin, followed by a massive burp. This got laughs out of several other passengers, and as Finn settled into his carseat, content for the moment, Dean found himself flooded with relief as well.

Finn dozed for about an hour and a half before waking up cranky. By then the fasten seatbelt sign was off, though Dean wasn’t sure about getting the baby out of his carseat. It didn’t take long for Finn to make that decision for him.

First his little face grew distressed. Then he began to whine pitifully, completely uninterested in his WubbaNub or his toys, or anything else that Dean tried. So finally, just as the little man began to wail again, Dean picked him up.

Finn smiled.

Dean set him back in his seat.

Finn’s face crumbled.

Dean picked him up again, and the baby let out a frustrated growl.

“Hey---you mad, bro?” Dean asked him as Finn nuzzled against his shoulder. 

“He’s bored, I bet,” Tony said, reaching across the seat to tickle Finn’s chin.

“Me too,” they both heard Seth mutter from across the aisle. 

Dean dug around for one of Finn’s board books, sat him on his lap, and began to read.

“This is a circle. The circle is red. This is a square. The square is green. This is…”

“Dude, could you read him anything more mundane?” Seth asked.

“What? It’s colors and shapes,” Dean replied defensively. 

“Both important, but he’s a baby. He doesn’t understand yet so why not read something you like?”

“Because---he’s---I mean…” Dean had to admit, he didn’t have a good answer for this.

“I know he’s got to learn all of that stuff but he’s not going to until he’s a toddler. You should read him Tolstoy.”

“Can’t,” Dean retorted. “I don’t read boring novels for fun like SOME PEOPLE.”

Just then, Finn whimpered.

“Aww, buddy, it’s okay. See? He doesn’t like when you’re mean to me, Dean,” Seth teased. “Better tell him you didn’t mean it before he starts screaming.”

“I’ve got a better idea,” Dean replied smugly, handing the baby across the aisle to Seth just as he began to cry in earnest. 

“Work your magic, Uncle Bub.”

Seth snorted, but he lifted his nephew to his shoulder and Finn almost immediately began to root around against him.

“Is he hungry?” Seth asked.

“Shouldn’t be already but there’s no telling. Here,” Dean handed Seth another bottle. 

Finn fell asleep his uncle’s arms and stayed that way until the fasten seatbelt sign came back on. They didn’t manage to keep him that way as Seth passed him back to Dean. The baby startled awake, realized he was being strapped in, and began to howl.

“Shhhh...hang in there, dude. Hang on,” Dean tried to calm the infant. “I know you want out, buddy. I know. Not much longer.”

His little man began to turn red in the face, rejecting both his WubbaNub and his bottle, and when he realized that this time it wasn’t going to get him back out of the carseat, he screamed harder. Dean found he didn’t care in the slightest about what the other passengers thought now; he just wanted to comfort his little boy. He tried everything. He tried to talk to him, read to him, pat him, rub his hair, but it was to no avail---until his father leaned over.

“Jeremiah was a bullfrog,” Tony began quietly, and Finn froze, mid-screech.

“Was a good friend of mine,” he went on, and the baby’s face began to return to a more normal color.

“I never understood a single word he said, but I helped him drink his wine. And he always had some mighty fine wine…”

It was working. Dean couldn’t even believe this; his son had gone from tantrum to nothing after 30 seconds of Three Dog Night. Could this kid be any cooler?

When they finally, FINALLY, landed, Dean scooped Finn right into his arms and didn’t wait for Tony to grab the carseat and follow. He made it into the terminal cradling his boy, and together they walked in a large circle, Dean gently bouncing the baby as he went.

“See? See, now? You’re okay. It’s okay, Finny. See?” 

Roman caught up with him then.

“Here,” his older brother said softly. “Let me take him while you go to the bathroom.”

Everyone was starving, and they had the time, so they went to a Chili’s inside the airport, although it didn’t take long for Finn to make it clear that he intended to scream each time he was laid in his carseat. Not usually prone to fits like this, he would squeal and yell and arch his back, face red and angry, until someone would take pity on him. They ended up passing him around the table while they ate.

There was still an hour to go, and Dean knew that Finn was going to have to be in his seat the whole time, so he decided the best thing to do was try to get the baby to fall asleep before they even boarded the plane. This proved to be easier said than done, though. Although clearly exhausted, Finn was also enthralled with all of the people and every time he’d slowly begin to lower his head to Dean’s shoulder, he would inevitably pop right back up again as someone new walked by. 

Eventually, he couldn’t fight it anymore, though. Once Dean was certain his son was sound asleep, he gently put him into his carseat with a pacifier and a blanket. Finn never stirred.

They made it through the takeoff and it was as the plane began its descent that Finn woke up, angry as ever once again, but this time Dean was ready with a fresh bottle, which he popped into his son’s mouth. They weren’t quite on the ground yet when Finn finished eating, but once he was done, all he did was lay in his seat and hiccup. When the baby got the hiccups, it always made Dean laugh; it was just so cute. He looked for all the world like he was in a milk coma.

Dean lifted the carseat up and deboarded the plane, never so relieved in his life.

They’d made it through the tough part. Now it was time for Finn’s very first vacation to truly begin.


	119. Elfed

By the time the family gathered their luggage, got their rental, and drove out to Nonna’s house in Brooklyn, Finn had somewhat returned to his normal, jovial self. Nonna had taken one look at her great grandson and lit up like a Christmas tree. It didn’t take long for Dean to understand that while she may be moving a little slower these days, she was still quite capable of holding a baby. 

“Oh, Dean,” she gushed. “Your Papa Angelo, he woulda been proud of you. You takin’ responsibility for your little boy? Oh, yes, he’d a been proud.”

Dean beamed. 

“Except for this name,” Nonna continued, and Dean’s smile faltered. “Why you gotta give this baby an Irish name, huh? Whatsa matter with you? You’re not Irish.”

Dean shot his mother a panicked, “help-me” look, but then he heard his Nonna gently laugh.

“It’s okay, mio amore, I’m teasing,” Nonna looked down at Finn again, who was watching her carefully. “Maybe he IS Irish, he even got the red hair, but we love him anyway, and we love you. Now give your Nonna a smooch, you get it?”

Dean was more than happy to oblige.

He and his father went the next day to visit Papa Angelo’s grave, which was an emotional affair. It was cold in New York, so they left Finn back at the hotel with Lily, Roman and Seth, and they set out to walk to the cemetery. 

“Your Nonna’s right, you know,” Tony said as they walked, rubbing his hands together. “Your Papa would be really proud of you. Your Daddy is really proud of you, too.”

Dean sighed.

“It’s hard, Dad,” he murmured. “Balancing everything just...it’s hard.”

“I know,” Tony said quietly, and he wrapped an arm around Dean’s shoulders. “It IS hard. It’s hard for everyone; it’s gotta be harder when you’re so young, but Dean, you are a wonderful father. Yesterday when Finn was going nuts on the plane, you didn’t get frustrated or upset. You NEVER get upset with him. Which isn’t to say you never will but he’s a baby; he can’t communicate clearly yet and that’s the hardest thing in the world I think, but you just...you should probably hold a class.”

Dean could feel his chest begin to swell a little; his father’s praise was welcome. He and his father often talked, but it seemed they had their best talks when there was no one else around. As they sat together near Papa’s grave, it felt good to let some of his nerves out.

“Sometimes I wish I hadn’t done basketball,” Dean confided. 

“Why’s that?” Tony asked.

“It’s just...I mean I’m really really thankful that you and Mom and Seth and Roman love him so much and I’m so thankful that you help take care of him. I WANT him to be close with you guys. But sometimes it’s just hard to think that I leave him with other people so much. I know there’s not much I can do about school, but…”

He trailed off, but he felt his father’s arm tighten around him.

“You had to grow up awfully fast,” Tony reminded him. “Don’t worry, buddy. We like helping with him, and you...your obligation as a father is to make sure that he is taken care of. That doesn’t mean you have to shoulder it all by yourself. You get the job done by any means necessary, and sometimes that means swallowing your pride for the good of your son.”

“Have you?” Dean mused. “Ever had to swallow your pride, I mean?”

“Oh, God,” Tony replied. “So many times. So many...you want to be the person who fixes it all for them. And it’s hard to realize that there are sometimes other people better equipped to do that. But you have to. All of the therapy Seth has needed, I wanted to be able to help him with that, but I wouldn’t have even known where to begin. I had to trust Dr. Bushman to be able to do what I couldn’t but you know what? It was the best thing for Seth, so I did it. Same with you. Every time one of you has been hurt, I wanted to be the one to fix it, to make it all better, but you needed doctors to do that so I had to let them. There just comes a point, Dean, where it’s no longer about pride.”

Dean sighed and rested his head on his father’s shoulder. Tony gazed down at Papa Angelo’s headstone, and then he added,

“I sure do wish he was here to see it, though.”

Dean couldn’t disagree. But at the same time, he had a feeling that Papa was still seeing it.

“Do you know...I always kind of think of Papa Angelo like...like Finn’s guardian angel. I mean, he was born early. I know not THAT early but still. There could’ve easily been complications. There are so many things that could’ve gone wrong, but they haven’t...I think it’s because of Papa.”

“You may well be right,” Dean’s father agreed. “Because that boy...I have a feeling he’s going to be just like his daddy in the fearless department…”

They finished at the cemetery, and got into a cab to meet the rest of the family back at Nonna’s. Although they were staying in a hotel for convenience, Nonna had insisted that she was going to make a huge Italian dinner that night, and she also was determined to whip up a traditional Thanksgiving. So what if she’d need extra help? She had plenty of people around. Indeed, the first person Dean noted in the kitchen was Seth, donning an apron that read “bacia il cuoco” on the front (kiss the cook in Italian). 

“Look, Dean!” Seth, clearly excited, was stirring sauce. “She taught me how to make it!” 

All Dean could do was smile.

Until he got to the living room. 

Where he found his mother holding his son---in an elf suit.

“What did you do to him?” Dean demanded, and Lily laughed.

“Look! Doesn’t he make the cutest little elf?”

“Sorry, dude,” Roman piped up. “I tried.” 

“Not hard enough,” Dean shot back. “Mom...come ON…”

“Oh, Dean, live a little. It’s freaking adorable,” Lily smiled gleefully. “Your cousin Serena found it for him. You have to admit, he looks just like an elf.”

Finn DID look just like an elf, and although Dean found it heinous, his son didn’t seem at all distressed. In fact, he seemed to be quite pleased with all of the attention he was getting.

And it was easy to draw attention.

Huge, red and green, pointy toed shoes with white tassels adorned Finn’s feet. Red and white striped leggings led up to a green suit, complete with a belt and a hideous gold buckle, buttons shaped like peppermints, a massive white collar, and a red bowtie. A red and green hat with another white tassel completed the ridiculous ensemble. 

“Come on, Dean,” his cousin Nina exclaimed! “He looks soooooooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuute! He should wear it when he goes to see Santa!”

Seeing Santa wasn’t something Dean had even considered but he realized that Nina was right; baby Finn would need to see Santa ASAP. Just...in that outfit?

The girls vastly outweighed the boys in the house, so Dean got voted down pretty quickly. 

Finn spent the entire ride out to the mall trying to take his hat off. Dean tried to discreetly encourage him.

“C’mon, buddy, throw it out the window,” he whispered more than once. 

It didn’t end up being so bad, though. Finn drew attention wherever he went, and with it came girls. Lots of pretty girls who wanted to flirt with Dean. (“Is he really your son?” “Of COURSE he’s really his son; they look just exactly alike!”) It had occurred to Dean before that ladies would be more interested in him simply because he had a baby, and he wasn’t sure what to do with this information. He had a feeling it was supposed to make him feel heady, but really it just made him miss Jessie. 

He’d been thinking about her a lot lately, actually.

Dean had no desire to reconcile or get back together, but he did wonder how she and Brett were doing in Florida. And...he loved Finn so much that it was beginning to make him feel guilty that he hadn’t allowed Jessie to see him one last time. It must have been painful for her. He didn’t want to her to hurt. He just wanted to be left alone. 

Finn, luckily, LOVED visiting Santa. He stared up at the bearded man, carefully tried to grab his facial hair, and grinned hard at Santa’s customary laugh. Dean couldn’t help but by the pictures, although he knew darn well that he could take better ones himself. 

Thanksgiving dinner was amazing. The whole trip was amazing. The family celebrated an early Christmas the night before Thanksgiving. Finn got some of his very first gifts, including a space-themed boppy cover, clothes, teething toys (Dean didn’t even want to think about teething), an amazing quilt in shades of red, green, blue, and brown, and a rocking horse that Dean had no idea how they were going to get home, but that Uncle Paul assured him could be shipped. 

“He’s too young for it,” Uncle Paul said, “but he’s gonna grow, right?”

They even took Finn to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. 

Dean bundled him up in a long sleeve footed sleeper, tiny mittens, a nice, cozy green cap, and lots of blankies, then pulled his own jacket around him to boot. They didn’t stay long (it really was cold), but Finn gazed at the floats. When the giant turkey glided by, Finn began to babble at it, which made Dean laugh.

In all, baby Finn’s first vacation could only be described as a success. Even the return flight went much more smoothly; the baby was a perfect angel until the plan began to descend in Houston, at which point Tony began to sing Take It Easy, and Finn settled right down with his WubbaNub and didn’t make another peep. 

He’d gotten his kid through a very important first, and it hadn’t been a total disaster. Dean finally allowed himself to sit back and relax---maybe he really WAS a good dad.

 

____________________________________

 

Opening night arrived and Seth was positively terrified. 

They’d rehearsed for weeks; Seth had repeated those lines over and over. He read with Vali, his mother, his father, his brothers. Sometimes he read, one-sided, to Finn. 

Backstage, he paced. The dress rehearsal had been seemless, Seth knew what he was doing, and there was really no reason to be so afraid, but he couldn’t help himself; what had he been thinking. Then he felt a strong hand on his shoulder. 

He looked up into Valentino’s brown eyes.

Seth didn’t even need to say a word.

“It’s okay,” Vali murmured, drawing him in for a loose hug. Valentino could give one hell of a hug, but he always, always, let Seth initiate that. “You’re going to be amazing.”

With a deep sigh, he felt himself relax into his boyfriend. Vali was right. Everything would be fine.

“Your family is here, right?” Valentino continued.

“Yes,” Seth said, letting his breath out slowly. “Yes, they’re out there. I saw them come in. Dean even asked Cici to watch Finn so that everyone could be here opening night.”

“Good. That’s good. So here’s the trick,” Valentino was rubbing soft circles into Seth’s neck. “It’s not easy, especially when it’s your first ever performance---crazy proud of you, by the way---but just pretend that you and the other people on stage are the only ones there. Like I said, not easy, but it will help. The stage lights make it hard to see the audience anyway. I promise you, you can do this.”

Seth knew he was right.

The play was scheduled to run two weekends with a total of seven performances, which at first seemed crazy to Seth---it was such a small school---but then he’d been informed that the audience wouldn’t just be students, teachers, and their parents. All kinds of people would be in attendance and yes, that many shows were necessary---opening night was completely sold out and there were only a few seats left for the first weekend.

“Listen,” Valentino pulled him out of his thoughts. “I was thinking, there’s a civil rights rally downtown at the Helbert building next Sunday. Want to go? The flyer said they’ll be discussing marriage equality.”

Seth nodded.

“Yeah, I’d like that. I’ve never been to anything like that before…”

Vali grinned. 

“I know. Thanks, babe. Oh, before I forget, Mami and Pop said to tell you break a leg. I need to go get ready but I’ll see you out there, okay?”

Seth nodded again.

“Okay...Vali?”

“Yeah?”

“Love you…” 

Valentino paused; this was the first time Seth had said it. Then he walked back and this time enveloped Seth into a huge bear hug, before leaning down and whispering into his ear,

“I love you, too.”

It was nothing short of wonderful.

Vali had been right; the audience was hard to see while out on stage anyway. It didn’t take long for Seth to kind of just morph into Iago and cliche or not, he really did become his character. And after he spoke his final line, he exited the stage but stayed close, eager to watch Valentino, who was stealing the show. 

Seth had rehearsed this with his boyfriend at least a hundred times. He knew exactly what was going to happen next, but as Othello stabbed himself on stage, it felt so real that he got a lump in his throat and goosebumps pricked his skin. For a brief moment, he forgot that none of it was real, and when the curtain closed, he couldn’t help but throw his arms around his guy.

“That was awesome,” he whispered, not sure why he felt so breathless.

“Thank you. C’mon, there’ll be a curtain call.”

The audience was on their feet clapping and that was a rush. Seth knew already that he could do this, that he wanted to do this, a million more times. 

 

__________________________________________

 

Roman had to admit, he was impressed. 

Five years ago, if anyone had told him that Seth would complete a huge role in a Shakespeare play, he would have laughed. Yet here, Seth had done it, and continued to do so.

Roman had no real interest in Shakespeare, but he thought that watching his brother perform made it that much more interesting, which was nice, because he had a lot on his mind. In fact, he was so distracted that he kept mistakenly referring to Othello as Hamlet, though Seth was always quick to correct him.

It was finals week, and all of that cramming was killing him. He knew that his football scholarship would be contingent upon his grade point average, and although he knew he was doing well enough in all of his classes, he was still nervous. The first test up was psychology.

He’d been having a bit of a hard time with psychology, and it had little to do with the content. Every time he had class he saw Natalie. It got a little easier after Audrey came out to the house; his parents had perked up and it seemed as though everyone’s emotions had begun to return to normal. But it was still awkward at school; Natalie wouldn’t even look at him.

It was hard for him to focus on his test, but he did, and was confident he had at least passed it, so he turned it in and headed for the commons to meet up with Meg. She’d finished before he did, and they had agreed on a late breakfast afterwards. As Roman rounded the corner, he saw his girlfriend at a table and he couldn’t help but break out into a wide grin---then he noticed who she was sitting with.

Natalie.

He hesitated; this didn’t seem right. She’d been sending out mental daggers ever since he first brought up the topic of his parents. Megan saw him and waved him over.

“Hey, babe! We’ve been talking!” She stood on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek, and he returned the favor with a chaste kiss on the lips.

“Ugh,” Natalie groaned, but anyone could see she was teasing. Megan laughed.

“Can’t help it; I know he’s kind of your brother but look at those lips. So kissable.”

Roman blushed a little, but he looked at Natalie closely.

“Almost your brother? Uh uh. You made it pretty clear you don’t want to be my anything. I’ve tried my best to respect that, and now you want to be my sister?” It occurred to him that he was maybe a little angry. 

Natalie glared at him.

“Hey, don’t start that shit with me. This is on you, pal. You approached me.”

“I approached you because I THOUGHT maybe my mom and dad meant something to you once,” Roman snapped.

“Roman,” Megan rested her hand on his back and he sighed and pulled up a chair.

“Look,” he began again. “It wasn’t...they didn’t put me up to it. They didn’t even know. They just...it’s hard for me to fathom how much losing you guys hurt them, especially my mom, so when I saw you...I didn’t mean to start anything. Audrey said you were overwhelmed and I get that. But so were they…”

“How can you think they don’t mean anything to me?” Natalie replied softly. “They mean the world to me. But they also represent...have you ever been molested, Roman?”

Roman froze. What was she trying to say?

“No,” he finally replied. “I haven’t.”

“Well, I have,” Natalie said, her voice still quiet. “I was really little, and it went on for a really long time, and it stopped because of Lily and Tony. Your mom and dad. They were the first people to love us, Audrey and me. And then we got snatched away from them. We were given to a father we’d never even really met that often, and we were terrified of him. We didn’t know what was going to happen to us, and we were too young then to understand why our parents didn’t keep us. It was months, MONTHS, before Audrey stopped asking me if I thought maybe we could go home if we were really good.

“I never believed that they didn’t want us. But I cried myself to sleep every night. I prayed until I couldn’t pray anymore that someday they’d show up and get us. And they never did, and now that I’m an adult I understand, I really do, but when I was seven...I thought they didn’t love me anymore, Roman. 

“So when you came to me? I WANTED to remember the good things. I wanted to remember sitting by the window on my very first plane ride out to New York. I wanted to remember Lily teaching me to ride a horse---do you know I still ride horses to this day, and I own several, all because of her? Prize money from riding competitions is paying for part of my education. I want to remember standing on a chair in the kitchen so I could reach to frost sugar cookies for Christmas, and snuggling with Maggie May and Honey Badger. I even want to remember the time I got sick, because it sucked but Lily and Tony held me and snuggled with me the entire time.

“Those are the things I want to remember,” Natalie’s voice was barely audible by now, and Roman felt about an inch tall. “But what came flooding back when you first approached me was anger, and fear, and confusion. And I just couldn’t stand it at first. So I gave your mom---MY mom’s email address to my sister and I tried to wash my hands of the whole situation. But I’ve had some time to think about it, and I can’t do that anymore.”

Megan had tears in her eyes, and Roman could barely even breathe around the lump that was in his throat, but as he gazed at Natalie, his “almost sister?”, he understood what she was saying. 

He reached for her hand. 

“She’s home right now,” Roman said. “She takes care of my nephew; she retired from her job, and we could go see her…”

“No, I...I do want to see them, Roman, I truly do, but I don’t want to just show up. I’m going to email her today and set up a meeting, but I don’t want to just appear.”

Roman pulled a piece of paper and a pen and wrote something down before sliding it across the table.

“Call her,” he said quietly. “Just call her. Everything will be fine. Just call her.”

He knew when he got home that evening that Natalie had done just that. His mother wrapped her arms around him and whispered into his ear,

“Thank you, Ro. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Mama,” he whispered back.

This is how they found themselves sitting in the Creek Ridge Auditorium, about to watch Seth’s fifth performance. Natalie had done drama all through school, and so Lily had suggested that maybe the play would be a fun outing to start with. Audrey was just curious to see Seth perform, so they gathered in the audience to watch the cast deliver yet another stellar performance. Roman gave careful glances to his mom and his dad, who were holding hand sand smiling softly, and Audrey and Natalie both looked relaxed. Roman sighed softly and relaxed back in his chair.

Maybe this can work, he thought, and he turned his attention back to Seth onstage, who was delivering his final line:

_Demand me nothing: what you know, you know: From this time forth I never will speak word._


	120. Sins of the Mother

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T GO WITH VALENTINO TOMORROW?”

Seth’s shriek of fury radiated down the hall in the Girardi household, and Tony immediately jumped to his feet.

His son had just finished his final performance of Othello. In fact, they’d been home less than 30 minutes. 

The production had, again, been nothing short of amazing, and after the matinee was finished, he and Lily had met Seth backstage with hugs, congratulations, and promises of taking him out to dinner that night to celebrate his achievement; they were both so proud of him. Seth had seemed pretty proud of himself as well, radiating a confidence that Tony had never really seen from him before.

“The spring play is always a musical!” The boy had proclaimed gleefully. “I don’t know what the production is yet and I can’t sing to save anything, but I think I want to try out again anyway. At the very least I can help with sets or something. I just...I can’t believe I didn’t try this sooner.”

Tony laughed.

“It’s never too late, bub,” he replied, and Lily smiled too.

“You have a real knack for this, baby,” she reached out to hug him again, and Seth had practically melted into her arms, hugging her back as tight as he could. Again, Tony felt a jolt of happiness course through him.

It had been a long time since his wife and their son had seemed so close. Tony knew that Seth hadn’t told Lily about his sexuality yet; he was trying not to nag his son, but he did on occasion remind him that he’d feel so much better once he let her in. Seth had confided in him that as soon as winter break began, he intended to take his mama out to lunch, someplace quiet and just the two of them, so that he could explain the whole thing. Tony felt this was a grand idea.

But clearly, the camaraderie between them had shattered.

“Seth William Girardi, don’t you DARE yell at me!” Lily’s voice, angry but not loud, though as Tony approached the kitchen he could hear her loud and clear. 

“Mom, please,” Seth protested, desperation in his voice. “We have plans, it’s not something that I can reschedule, please don’t make me cancel on him.”

“Baby, I get that you want to spend time with Valentino, but your family comes first. Natalie and Audrey are coming out tomorrow---” this, apparently, was all Seth needed to hear to completely lose it.

“Oh, I see,” he snapped. “They finally decide to give you the time of day, so now I don’t get to have a life anymore? Nice.”

“Seth William,” Lily started again, but Seth interrupted.

“Stop. Just stop, Mom. I’m sick of being sloppy seconds.”

“Seth, that isn’t fair!” Lily’s face looked strained, and Tony spoke up quietly.

“Buddy, come on. This is the second time in your life we’ve asked you to get together with them.”

“I don’t want to get together with them. I don’t even like them.”

“Baby, you don’t KNOW them yet,” Lily almost sounded as though she was pleading, and for the first time, Tony felt a pang of guilt. Maybe he’d been too hard on her the other day; all she wanted, after all, was for all of her kids to be under one roof. It suddenly didn’t seem like too much to ask.

“I don’t WANT to know them. They don’t want to see me anyway. They just want to hang out with the baby; that’s all anyone wants anymore. I’ll just be in the way. I’m not gonna do it.”

“Seth, it’s not negotiable. I’m sorry, son. I understand, but you can hang out with Valentino almost any other time.

“But Dad, Vali and I are...there’s a thing we want to go to and it’s only tomorrow afternoon. Please? Dad, please?”

“Seth, your father isn’t going to tell you yes after I’ve said no,” Lily still sounded pretty mad, though she still hadn’t raised her voice once. “What’s with you? It’s not like we put too many demands on your time and the one time we do, you act like a spoiled brat. That’s not like you at all.”

“Well, maybe I don’t HAVE to tell you every little thing I want to do,” Seth snapped. “I’m almost 18; I can do what I want.”

“No, you can’t just do what you want,” Lily retorted. “You’re a part of this family, Seth, and tomorrow is a family event. I want you there, Daddy wants you there. There will be plenty, and I do mean plenty, other times when you can hang out with Valentino. Now go change, huh? Get ready for dinner?”

“NO!” Seth practically exploded. “I don’t want your dinner. I don’t want to eat out, I don’t want to be around you, and I DON’T want to spend tomorrow afternoon with the kids you would have rather had!”

“Oh, God,” Lily moaned. “This again? How many times do we have to tell you that Natalie and Audrey are not replacing you? How many times? We just want to get to know them again and make sure they’re okay. They seem like nice kids, bub, and they’re no threat to you! They HAVE parents; we don’t...we know we can’t be their parents. We just want to be their friends. We loved them too much to let them go, but they’re not the new kids. They’re not the new you. I swear, Seth, I don’t understand why you’re so insecure about this!”

 

“Oh, you don’t understand,” Seth’s voice suddenly dropped.

“I don’t,” Lily said. “I honestly don’t; you’ve been given everything, every opportunity, and just because there are more people in our lives now, you know that doesn’t mean that we love you any less.”

Clearly defeated, Tony watched Seth’s shoulders slump, the color draining from his face except for his cheeks, which remained beet red. As though when he realized he wasn’t going to get his way on this one, something inside him broke. Or a switch flipped. Or something. His next words were soft, barely audible, but still murderous. Tony hadn’t worked many hostage negotiations, but this definitely reminded him of that calm quiet right before the shooting started. Like a powder keg.

“Well, I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you,” Seth’s voice dripped venom now, almost rage, and Tony realized that he was taken aback, but he couldn’t just stand by and allow this to happen.

“Seth,” Tony said quietly, hoping to just calmly catch the boy’s attention, to remind him that his father was an ally here, although he was beginning to realize that this had absolutely nothing to do with being gay OR Valentino; not really.

“You’re supposed to be on my side, Dad.” Still that tone, that tone that emblazoned Seth with anguish and fury, but that was hardly more than a whisper. The look on his son’s face was now treacherous. His eyes flashed, his lip curled into a sneer, and he was trembling.

“Seth, I AM on your side, buddy, and that’s why I think the best thing to do is just stop right now and maybe take a step back---”

“Oh, I’ll take a step back, if that’s what you want. Right out the door. You can’t make me stay.”

“Seth, I love you. Daddy and I both love you very very much, but if you defy us you have to know that there will be consequences.” Lily was starting to get pissed now; Tony could tell; she was too far gone herself to see what he saw. This was going to blow up even larger in a big hurry. He HAD to put a stop to it.

It didn’t help that Seth actually LAUGHED then; not his normal laugh but more of a hysterical kind of cackle. 

“There is NOTHING you could do to me that’s worse than what you’ve already done,” the boy hissed.

“WHAT?” Lily finally blew her top, raising her voice, shrugging off the hand that Tony tried to rest on her shoulder. “What have I done? What have I done to you, Seth? Short of love you, take care of you, give you the world on a damn silver platter, and apparently turned you into an ungrateful, obnoxious kid? What is it that I’ve done?”

“You really don’t know?” Seth snarled. It occurred to Tony that he barely even recognized his son right then.”

“No, bub, I’m sorry, but I really don’t---”

“How many times have I told you NOT TO CALL ME BUB?”

Tony and Lily both froze then as they stared at their youngest child, eyes ablaze, almost breathless. Tony couldn’t remember a time he’d ever seen any of his sons so angry, nevermind Seth.

“You’re not going to talk to me like that. Go sit on your bed. I’ll come talk to you when we’ve both calmed down,” Lily said quietly, after a moment of painful silence.

“What do you---” the boy began to argue, but was silenced when his mother shouted,

“GO!”

“NO!” Seth exploded. “NO, I am not going to go to my room just because you told me to, and I’m not going to hang around here just because you want me to, either.”

“You’ll do what you’re told,” Lily responded, every bit as furious as their son now. “Because we’re your parents and we said so.”

Tony cringed; “because I said so” was definitely not something he EVER thought he’d hear his wife say.

Seth let out that awful, Joker-like witch-esque cackle once more. 

“How you gonna make me? Gonna tie me up like the people before you? Gonna be that kind of mom? Seth has choices. Seth gets to make a choice. Liar.”

No warning at all and Lily’s hand flew up in the air as though she intended to slap the boy, but froze just short of actually swinging. Seth shrank back away from her, hand grasping his cheek even though no contact had been made. A look of sheer terror replaced the blind fury in his eyes. Lily stared at her hand as though it had somehow acquired a mind of its own, acted of its own accord. Never had Lily EVER raised her hand to any of their kids, no matter what they had done. Tony just stared at her, incredulous.

For a long time, no one spoke, the only sound Seth’s heavy breathing, his hand still pressed against his cheek. Finally Lily dared to speak.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured. “I shouldn’t have done that. That’s not...I don’t...that isn’t how we do things in this family. I’m so sorry, Seth.”

Seth just shook his head. He opened his mouth as though to speak, then closed it, then opened it again. Tony offered his arm, but his son jerked away from him, still holding his face.

“Hey...c’mon,” Tony murmured calmly. “C’mon, buddy. This is way out of hand; you’re both done. Take a deep breath, bud. Let’s just settle down. Lu, let’s just...why don’t you go take a hot bath. Seth, let’s just---you and I, why don’t we go get something to drink someplace and just settle---”

“I would’ve deserved it,” Seth spoke up suddenly, interrupting Tony’s speech, still clinging to his cheek as though he just couldn’t believe it.

“No, baby,” Lily reached out for Seth then, fight all drained out of her, tears pooling in her eyes. “No, you wouldn’t have, no matter what, that’s not okay; I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so, so sorry.”

“I---I’m...not the son you wanted, Mama,” Seth whispered, ignoring his mother’s apologies, STILL holding onto his face. Tony wondered if his son even realized that his mother had stopped short of actually slapping him.

“Seth William, don’t,” tears began to slide down Lily’s face, but Seth didn’t stop.

“I want to go with Valentino because...because he’s...he’s my boyfriend, Mama,” Seth’s voice shook, eyes cast down, and Lily inhaled sharply.

“I’m gay,” Seth continued. “I’m in love with a boy. And he loves me, and I just want to be with him right now. That’s all.”

Without another word, Seth turned and fled from the kitchen, the sound of his door slamming seconds later the only response he gave. Lily turned to Tony.

“He’s gay,” she repeated quietly, looking back and forth between her husband and the direction her son had run.

Tony closed his eyes for a moment, then looked back at his wife. 

“He is,” Tony replied.

“And you knew…” Lily shook her head.

“I knew,” Tony confirmed. “I haven’t known very long, Lu, and I hated not talking about it but he really wanted to tell you himself; he planned on doing it privately when the break started.”

“And Valentino is...they’re dating.”

Tony nodded silently.

“And he...he c-couldn’t tell me,” Lily sank down into a chair and covered her face with both hands.

“He’s been trying. He’s afraid. He’s afraid of who he is, of who he might become. He’s still adjusting to the whole idea.”

“But he couldn’t tell me...he’s...he tells me everything, T. Everything. This is the most important self-realization he’ll ever make and he couldn’t tell me...why? What...what did I do? What did I do wrong?” Lily wasn’t even bothering to wipe her tears away.

“Lu,” Tony began, determined to find a way to talk to her, to make her understand, WITHOUT starting another fight. “Just...just think about it for a second. Seth has been the center of your universe for the last five years.”

Lily opened her mouth, as though to protest, but Tony spoke again first.

“No, babe, he has. He has. And I’m not saying it’s your fault or even that it shouldn’t have been that way. He needed that. After the first 12 years of his life? Having someone he could latch onto, someone he could trust from the very beginning, he needed that, because he damn sure wasn’t gonna trust me. It was necessary if he was ever gonna heal. You gave him that, and you did it without neglecting the other two or me or this house...babe. You’re a hero. To these boys, you’re a hero, but now...try and look at it from Seth’s perspective.”

A glare was the only response he got at first. Then she flung herself into Tony’s arms, sobbing openly now.

“He has no idea what I’ve been through. Or you for that matter. He has no idea what we’ve given up. I gave up my career for those boys. I gave up having more kids because we knew that we could only give so much and he needed a lot. And I wanted to, Tony, I did, because they needed me. They don’t need me anymore. Not the way they used to.”

“Oh, God, Lu, no,” Tony replied. “Seth needs you more than ever right now. He...he’s on that line, you know? Where he’s both a child and an adult. He’s Schrodinger’s Kid. He’s confused and he needs support.”

“So what am I supposed to do, then? What’s threatening him? I’ve told him I love him, that I’ll always love him, and that he’ll always going to be my baby because he IS, T.”

“Like I said,” Tony reached for Lily, and she allowed his embrace. “Just...try and look at it from Seth’s point of view. There are so many things. He’s used to being the baby, the one who got to soak up most of the attention, and Finn came and...Lu, are you aware that you called Finn ‘bub’ awhile back?”

“What? When?”

“We went out one night, and when we came back, Seth was waiting so patiently to talk to you about something and you went straight to Finn and called him your bub and told him how much you’d missed him…”

“Oh, my God…” Lily breathed. “You’re right. I did. I did do that…”

“You didn’t mean it; I know you didn’t. Not the way it seemed to him. But...and then we all forgot the day of his audition. It was the same day Roman told us about Natalie.”

“God dammit,” Lily murmured. “He was so excited when he came home and all I did was go on about the girls…”

“Again, not your fault. At least not entirely; we were all guilty. But just...think about it now. Seth’s the youngest, your baby, a role that he’s growing both into and out of as he gets older, which has got to be hard enough on him, but then other things start popping up. So he knows he likes boys, he’s pre-disposed to schizophrenia, and he’s terrified that you’ll be disappointed in him.”

“He’s always so afraid we’ll be disappointed in him,” Lily sighed. “I know he can’t help it. But it’s exhausting. Tony, I don’t care who he falls in love with. That’s...that’s just so minor compared...compared to who he grows up to be. It’s minor. I need to talk to him.”

“It’s not minor to him, Lu. Give him a bit,” Tony advised. “Let him calm down. It’ll be okay.”

“What’s this thing he wants to do tomorrow?”

“I don’t know. He didn’t say anything about it to me,” Tony replied. “Must be important to him though.”

“Am I wrong? To want him to be a part of this?”

“Wrong to want him to be a part of this? Not at all. Wrong to force him? I...don’t know. I mean we’ve always given them a choice. But they’ve usually chosen what we wanted. And for what it’s worth, when he made that jab about you being a liar---that was a low blow. He never should’ve said that.”

Lily forced out a laugh then.

“It’s true, though. I took away his choices.”

“It’s not the same thing and you know it. Asking him to spend some family time when he wanted to go do something else and holding him down while somebody else rapes him? Not even in the same universe. Not even close. Don’t...he got mad. Just like you did, and he’ll regret that just like you do. I know neither one of us is that accustomed to it, but I hear Pete talk about his kids all the time and let me tell you, I’m pretty sure we’re damn lucky.”

“Aside from Dean having a baby at 17, which...let’s be honest, that was one of the best blessings, you’re right. They almost always do what they’re asked. They’re good boys.”

“They ARE good boys. And we need to give them some credit. Seth just...I don’t know, Lu. I really don’t. I think we have to stand our ground here, because he IS a part of this family, but maybe we could work it out so that he can go out afterwards. Or we could make dinner into brunch…”

Lily looked at the clock.

“It’s getting kinda late for that,” she said. “But I guess...well. Like you said, I’ll give him a little time to settle down and then I’ll talk to him. I just don’t...there is no way on God’s green earth that I could ever be disappointed in that boy just because he wants to be with another boy. I don’t even get where he got that. I’ve never done or said anything to give him the impression that being gay is somehow wrong, or that being straight is better. Have I failed him? Do I suck as a mom?”

“You’re a great mom. He made choices too and he’s let fear rule him. That’s not so much a reflection of you as it is a reflection of everything he’s been through. Oh, babe. Don’t think like that. You’re a great mom.”

“I’m tryin’,” she muttered. “But they don’t always make it easy.”

“That’s their job,” he answered. “And sometimes, they’re really, really good at it.”

They sat down on the couch together and Lily curled up against him, and sighed and relaxed. An hour or so later, she got up and slipped down the hall. Tony smiled to himself; she could fix this. He knew she could; they were both just stressed out and neither of them had done a great job of trying to understand the other. It happened sometimes in families. He’d never been especially argumentative himself, although Tony did fully admit that by the time his parents got to him, there wasn’t much raising left to be done. He’d done plenty of stupid shit as a teenager, but he’d turned out---

His thoughts were shattered when he heard Lily scream,

“TONY!”

He bolted to Seth’s room, where he found his wife, stricken, wringing her hands.

“T, he’s gone. He’s not here. Seth is gone!”

 

____________________________________________

 

Seth got into his car and just drove. 

He knew without even thinking about it that he was going to Valentino’s house and it never even occurred to him to call first. He was just so stunned; he felt like he was on autopilot and to be honest, he wasn’t even sure how he was navigating right then.

He’d called his mother a liar. 

She’d raised her hand to him. She’d never ever done that in over five years. Seth must have made her furious and right then he couldn’t blame her, really. What was he thinking, talking to her like that? He’d just felt trapped and instead of talking about it calmly, he’d lashed out. 

The youngest Girardi didn’t realize he was crying until he walked up to his boyfriend’s front door, and Araceli answered.

“Seth! Why you here so late, mi chico? Aye! You crying? What happen? Come in here. VALENTINO!” 

Vali appeared in the foyer wearing nothing but a pair of pajama pants, hair still in a tight ponytail from the earlier appointment. When he saw Seth he immediately drew him into his arms. Seth was so distressed that he didn’t even enjoy being pressed up against Vali’s bare chest as Valentino hugged his hysterical boyfriend tight.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” Vali asked him quietly. Araceli had already begun to lead them into the modest living room, patting a space on the sofa for Seth to sit down. 

“Here,” she said, offering Seth a box of Kleenex. “You blow your nose and I’m gonna get you a glass of water. Vali, help him blow his nose.”

“He can blow his own nose, Mami,” Vali replied. “Here. Just...just...shhh...I’ve got you. It’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s okay. I’m here now. What’s going on, Seth?”

“I-I told my m-mother,” Seth moaned, fresh sobs racking his body as he recounted in his head the way it had gone down. 

“Ohhh...and she got mad?” Vali murmured softly.

“N-no...she was already m-mad,” Seth proclaimed. 

“Why? Did you have a fight?”

“Y-yes,” Seth sniffled. 

“Okay. Not an ideal way to tell her, huh?”

“Tell her what?” Araceli re-entered the living room with a glass of ice water, including one of those bendy straws, which she handed to Seth to sip. “You tell your Mama you gay?”

“She knows,” Seth affirmed. Araceli’s face darkened.

“And what, she kick you out?” Seth couldn’t help but puff up just a little at her indignance; it felt good to know he had someone else on his side. 

“She didn’t kick me out. I l-left,” Seth whispered, finally calming down enough to try and explain.

“They had a fight,” Valentino supplied, and Araceli reached out to pat Seth’s back. 

“So you run away?” Her tone was far from accusatory.

“I didn’t know what else to do,” Seth replied softly. “I can’t even look her in the eye. I behaved terribly. And then I just blurted all of this out...she must hate me…”

“No, bebe, no,” Araceli crooned, resting her arms gently around Seth then. He still had his back to her, but he felt her lean into him and he also felt himself begin to relax. It was almost as though Lily was there. It was exactly what she would’ve done.

“Your mama loves you,” she continued. “Don’t ever be afraid about that, mi chico. Your mama, she loves you more than anything. I know, ‘cuz I’m a mama too.”   
Araceli looked fondly at Valentino.

“Sometimes Vali, he make me so mad I could spit,” she kept talking, and Seth kept listening. “But I always love him. Amo a mi hijo. We got feelings. And even mamis make mistakes. But it’s okay. You hear me? Esta bien. It’s okay. Your mama, she loves you.”

“She was so mad,” he murmured, deflated now, sagging against Vali’s chest, still sniffling but definitely able to speak clearly now. 

“What you think, mamas never get mad? We get mad. Sometimes we say stuff we don’t want to say, just like our kids. You gotta talk to her, Seth.”

“I can’t,” he whimpered. “I can’t. How can I even look at her after the way I talked?”

“C’mon, Seth, you know your mom’s not like that,” Vali cajoled soothingly. 

Seth told them then, told them everything. Beginning with his agitation at being told he couldn’t go to the gay rights rally the next day (“but she didn’t know what I wanted to do; maybe if I’d just been honest with her”), continuing on to the rude comments about her forcing him to do things and taking away his choices (“I told her she was just like the people who hurt me when I was younger”), finishing up with his confession of his sexuality (“that wasn’t how I wanted to tell her. I really didn’t. It just started coming out”). The tears fell freely throughout the entire ordeal. 

Once Seth finished talking, he took a long sip of his water and for a few moments no one spoke. Then finally, Araceli gave him a little squeeze.

“Here’s what we gonna do, mi chico. Escuchame. Listen to me. Tonight, you stay here. You stay here, you get a good night’s sleep, you calm down. You call your mami and let her know you okay. She gotta be worried sick. You tell her you gonna stay here for tonight and you safe, estas seguro, y then in the morning you can talk to your mama. Really talk to her, mi chico, the way a son needs to talk to his mama.”

Seth nodded slowly. 

“Okay...okay. Thank you.”

“C’mon, Seth, I’ll show you where you can sleep---” Valentino began, but his mother interrupted.

“Valentino Dawson, you better not be taking your boyfriend to your bedroom, me escuchas? I raise you better than that.”

“Relax, Mami, I’m going to show him the guest room and get him some towels so he can take a shower if he wants after he calls his parents.”

“Aye, such a good boy, que bueno,” Araceli replied, and she got up and disappeared into the kitchen.

Vali led Seth to a bedroom that had a twin bed set up in the corner and a huge painting of the Virgin Mary hanging on the wall. He eyed it cautiously, and Valentino laughed.

“Sorry about that,” he said. “Mami, you know, we’re Catholic…”

“So’re we, technically,” Seth replied. “But I can’t imagine my mother hanging that in the house.”

“Must be a Mexican thing,” offered Vali. “Now the bathroom is down the hall on your right. You call home, let them know you’re okay, take a shower if you want. You know where my room is if you need me. Pop’s working late tonight but Mami will be here too, in case she can help you with anything.”

“Vali...thank you…” Seth whispered, and Valentino swept him up into a hug.

“It’s okay,” he murmured calmly. “I love you; I’m not gonna make you do this alone. Tomorrow I’ll go with you to talk to your parents.”

“Okay...after the rally,” Seth agreed.

The call home was every bit as painful as Seth expected.

“Seth? Baby, where are you?” Lily’s panicked voice over the line. 

“I’m at Valentino’s for now. I’m fine. Can...can I please talk to Dad?”

The phone was passed to Tony.

“Are you okay, son?” Seth’s father sounded calm but Seth recognized that note of concern in his voice.

“I’m okay. I went to Vali’s and his mother said I should stay here for tonight and rest a little. So I think I’m gonna do that and then...and then tomorrow, I think we all need to have a talk.”

“I think so too,” Tony agreed. “I definitely think so too. What time can we expect you home?”

“We’re still going out,” Seth informed his father. “There’s a civil rights rally downtown on marriage equality. That’s what we want to go to. After that I’ll come home.”

“Okay. Seth, I love you. Your mother does too. I think staying at Valentino’s house is a good idea for tonight, but remember that you’re welcome to come home. We WANT you to come home.”

“I know, I just...tomorrow, Dad. I promise. Tomorrow.”

“Okay. Take it easy, son. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Seth took a quick shower and then crawled into the small bed, but he knew it would be a long time before he was able to sleep. Indeed, almost as soon as he laid down, the tears started again. He just couldn’t believe any of this. Then he felt the bed dip.

“Shhh…” Vali’s voice. In the dark Seth could feel Valentino slowly wrap his arms around him. “I’m here.”

“But your mami said no,” Seth began to protest, but Vali just smiled. 

“She said I couldn’t take you into my room,” Vali replied. “She never said I couldn’t come in here. Anyway, I’m not going to try anything. But I don’t think you should be alone tonight.” 

Seth felt Valentino settle in, felt himself be drawn against his boyfriend’s chest once more, and with nothing left to hide or be ashamed of, Seth eventually cried himself to sleep.


	121. Blindsided

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are potential triggers in this chapter. Please proceed with caution.

Dean and Finn hunkered down in his bedroom the second the yelling started. He was keen not to get involved, even though he knew how his little brother was feeling and he suspected he had an idea of what his mother felt like as well.

As angry voices got louder, Finn began to whimper. Dean paced with him for a moment, patting him on the back, whispering,

“It’s okay, buddy. It’s gonna be okay.”

There had been plenty of times that Dean had been angry with his parents; admittedly, they mostly happened in the very beginning when Dean was still mad at the entire world, more specifically, at Shelby for allowing him to be raped and beaten. It often manifested as anger at whoever was closest, and it took some time for Dean to be able to harness that, but eventually he had learned that these parents were real. This family was understanding, loving, and understood that he was going to make mistakes sometimes. 

As the yelling got even louder, Dean gave up, turned on some music, and turned the volume up. He sat down in the glider his parents had surprised him with when he first brought Finn home and began to rock the agitated little guy. With the stressor eliminated (or at least covered up), the baby went to sleep in his father’s arms. Dean knew he should put him in his bed, but he decided to rock him just a little longer.

In truth, it scared him a little that Seth seemed so at odds with their parents. And while he would always have his brother’s back, he was a parent now too, and he prayed that Finn would never have anything he wanted to hide. 

Once the yelling had ended, Dean laid Finn gently in his bassinet and crept out of his room. Seth’s door was closed, but Dean knew that if he knocked his brother wouldn’t answer anyway, so he quietly opened it and stepped inside.

Seth was laying face down on his bed, shoulders shaking, although he was making no sound. Dean really didn’t know what to do (why in GOD’S name did Roman have to be out with his girlfriend on a Saturday night?), so rather than really do anything, he simply sat on the edge of Seth’s bed and rested a hand on his little brother’s back.

“What happened,” Dean asked softly.

No response. No spoken answer, no muffled sobs, not even a whimper. Just his brother, still trembling like a leaf, and Dean with no words to adequately help him.

Once again, Dean thanked God that it would be a lot of years yet before he had to deal with a situation like this like a dad. As the big brother, he could pay no heed to what Seth had or hadn’t done wrong; it didn’t matter. He spread himself out over his brother’s back, so that he was nearly on top of him, and spoke quietly into Seth’s ear.

“It’ll be okay,” he said simply, and finally, Seth’s dam burst.

“No it won’t. No, I really don’t think it’s going to be okay,” his brother sobbed, punching his pillow. 

“Tell me what’s going on,” Dean murmured.

“I blew it,” was the only thing Seth said in reply. “I just blew it.”

“You blew it?” Dean didn’t understand.

“I blew it,” Seth repeated. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

“What wasn’t?”

“I was so bad to Mom,” Seth hiccuped; no relief from the tears in sight.

“Mom will forgive you,” Dean soothed. “Go tell her you’re sorry.”

“I can’t.”

“You can. If you don’t want to just say so. But don’t say you can’t.”

“No, I really, I can’t,” Seth was crying harder than Dean had ever seen him, and he realized that maybe talking wasn’t the best activity just then.

“Okay. It’s okay. You don’t have to. Just...just relax, bro. Just relax. Try and sleep. Do you want me to stay with you?”

Seth looked up at him then, and Dean could clearly see the agony in his eyes.

“No,” his little brother whispered. “I’ll be okay. I just need...I just need a bit.”

Already regretting it, Dean stood and sighed.

“Okay. I’ll be in my room if you need me. If you wanna come sleep there tonight or whatever. Just...don’t worry about Mom. Whatever you said, they’re just words, Seth, okay? And you’d hardly be the first one of us to say something you didn’t mean. Just talk to her. And Dad, talk to him too. You can fix it. Just talk to them.”

When Seth didn’t respond, Dean sighed again and left his room.

Thirty minutes later, Dean was sitting at his desk making a list of Christmas photos that he wanted to take of Finn when he heard his mother scream that Seth was gone.

It would be, of course, Finn’s first Christmas, and it had to be good. He’d be a bit shy of five months old at the time of the actual holiday, but as far as Dean was concerned, that meant nothing. He had a list a mile long of gifts he wanted to buy for his son, although he hadn’t the slightest idea how he’d get the money to pay f or it all. Cici was about to pay him $100 to take Alfie’s first birthday photos, but all of the wedding money had gone to pay for diapers and formula despite his mother’s protests. 

It wasn’t that the baby needed much, but Dean was all about the photo ops. 

Finn really didn’t have many toys yet; really, what baby needed them at his age? But Dean really wanted to get him a set of soft blocks, a teether (he had several teethers already and no actual teeth, but…), a mesh feeder, a real crib (the baby was FINALLY outgrowing his bassinet), a music class (technically it was called “Mommy and Me” but Dean reckoned they’d make an exception), and some new clothes. 

The baby was finally growing quickly, though he’d probably always be in the 10th percentile, and at four months, he hadn’t yet outgrown his 0-3 month clothes, but he was getting close. 

As for Christmas portraits, Dean had some big ideas. Finn could hold his head up pretty steadily now, so he definitely intended to lay his son on his belly sticking out of a wrapped present. Traditional headshots in his Christmas outfit, all wrapped up in cool-bright lights, and Dean was debating how he could pose the baby by the Christmas tree when he heard his mother’s anguished cry.

Moments later, his father charged into his room.

“Dean? Have you seen Seth?”

It was so fast that he could barely think, but he managed to murmur,

“I left his room maybe a half hour ago?”

“A half hour? You’re sure?”

“Pretty sure. He was laying in his bed. He...I asked him if he wanted to come sleep in here tonight but he said no...Dad? What’s going on?”

“I’m not sure, son. Do you know how to get ahold of Valentino?”

“No, I...I don’t think I have his number...I can message him on Facebook. Is Seth with him?”

“I hope so,” Tony murmured, motioning Dean to join him in the hallway. 

“Listen, son, I want you to think for a minute. Seth had plans with Valentino for tomorrow afternoon, and he got very upset when your mom and I said he couldn’t go. Do you have any idea what they were planning?”

“I...Seth mentioned something the other day about...a gay rights rally? Downtown?”

“Okay...okay, good, that’s what he told me, too. Do you know where downtown, buddy?”

“I...no. I don’t think they ever said, I’m sorry, Dad, but I don’t think…”

“It’s okay, son,” Tony replied, wrapping his arms around Dean for a quick hug.

“I’ll text him,” Dean volunteered. “I’ll text him and tell him to just come home.”

“Okay. Yeah, do that, huh? Tell him that Mom and I aren’t angry; we just need to know that he’s safe.”

At that moment, Lily appeared, holding her phone, her face pale.

“Seth...it’s Seth,” she murmured softly. “He wants to talk to you.”

Then she handed the phone to Dean’s father and walked away.

From his dad’s side of the conversation, it became clear pretty quickly that Seth wasn’t coming home, at least not tonight. Dean texted him anyway.

_Baby brother? Come home. You’re not in trouble; Mom and Dad are just worried about you, and so am I. Please come back. Come back and we’ll talk. Nobody’s angry, Seth. Come back and I’ll help you._

A moment or two later, Dean’s phone buzzed. He looked down at it. It was Seth’s number, but it was definitely not Seth sending the text.

_This is Valentino. Seth is taking a shower. He’s going to stay at my house tonight._

Anger coursed through Dean; did this guy not understand that what Seth needed right then was his family? 

_He shouldn’t be there. He should be home with us. He never had problems like this til he met you._

Dean knew it was wrong to blame Valentino, because the truth was, he had absolutely nothing to do with any of this. He was just providing Seth with an out, a place to go to hide for awhile. But Dean was overcome with worry for his brother and fear that someday this scenario would involve Finn, so right then, he didn’t feel too terribly bad.

_We both know that this isn’t because of me. I love your brother. I want him to feel safe, too. He’s okay here. We’re just giving him a chance to calm down. I’m going to bring him over tomorrow._

He wanted to argue, wanted to demand his brother’s return, or an address so that he could drive out and pick Seth up, but deep down Dean knew that Valentino was right. On the verge of tears, he simply ended with,

_Just tell him I love him._

And then Dean broke down.

 

______________________________________

 

Long after Seth cried himself to sleep on his shoulder, Valentino remained awake.

He couldn’t help but stare at the tearstained face resting on his shoulder, and although the situation felt awful, Vali smiled anyway. 

He really did love Seth. And he really did understand his turmoil. He just wanted his boyfriend to feel comfortable in his own skin, and he didn’t really have a great method of managing that, but Valentino knew that no matter what, he was going to try. 

Twice during the night, Seth woke up. 

The first time he was startled, crying out softly, body stiff, clearly afraid and unaware of his surroundings, but Vali murmured softly into his ear,

“It’s okay. It’s me.”

And Seth, sleep-altered and groggy, mumbled,

“Why’re you here?”

Valentino paused for a moment; he didn’t want to remind him of everything that had happened. Finally he settled for,

“Because I love you and I’m going to be here for you.”

That answer seemed to satisfy Seth; before long, he relaxed again and Vali stroked his cheek as his breathing evened out.

The second time, it was Seth’s hot tears that alerted Vali that he was again awake.

Valentino said nothing this time, just held on tight, tears stinging his own eyes, but determined to just be strong for Seth, at least for now.

Eventually sunlight streaming through the windows alerted Vali to the fact that it was morning. He could smell...Seth. Seth mixed with his mother’s cooking wafting up from downstairs. He blinked himself into consciousness, aided by Seth’s voice.

“You...stayed with me all night?” Seth questioned quietly, and Valentino nodded.

“‘Course I did,” he mumbled, burying his nose into Seth’s hair for a moment to block out the invading bright intruder. “And I’d do it again.”

He was rewarded by hearing and feeling Seth let out a contented sigh. 

“Thank you,” Seth mumbled into his chest, and Vali was just about to respond when one of their stomachs rumbled. Seth laughed softly.

“Just when I was thinking I could wake up like this every morning for the rest of my life,” Valentino sighed. “But we may as well get up; Mami’s obviously got something going down there. Seth nodded.

 

_______________________________________

 

They ventured downstairs together, not touching, just side by side. Seth could practically taste the smells in the air, and the second he and Vali went into the kitchen, Araceli shoved a cup of coffee into his hands.

“Here, mi chico, you drink this. You like coffee?”

“I love coffee, thank you,” Seth said shyly. He wasn’t entirely sure what he was supposed to call Vali’s parents; it had never been discussed. He knew that his own mother and father would object to being referred to as Dr. and Mr., far preferring to go by Lily and Tony, but Vali’s mom seemed like a person who would highly value proper manners, and his father rarely spoke. Opting for now to just busy himself with his coffee, he took a sip---and moaned happily.

“Is this---?” Vali simply nodded.

“Chocolate and cinnamon added,” he said. “Mexican coffee.”

Seth seriously contemplated throwing himself at Araceli’s feet.

Breakfast was even better.

“Here, Seth. I make you chilaquiles. You too skinny. Eat,” she proclaimed, shoveling food onto his plate. The chilaquiles, he quickly surmised, involved eggs, chilis, cheese, chicken, some kind of savory red sauce, and tortillas. Seth took a bite, and thought maybe this might be heaven.

It almost made him forget everything else.

He felt his eyes grow teary as he thought about his own mother, who’d be getting lunch ready to serve to Natalie and Audrey right about now. Did she even really realize that he wasn’t there? Did she even care? Could he blame her if she didn’t?

Araceli must’ve noticed his angst, because she set everything down and hugged him.

“Thinkin’ about your mama?” 

Seth just nodded. Araceli hugged him tighter.

“Esta bien, mi chico,” she crooned. “No worries. You gonna see her tonight and fix all this. No tiene miedo.”

He looked over at Valentino helplessly.

“Don’t be afraid,” his boyfriend supplied. “We gotta work on your Spanish, bro. And your English, ma, c’mon now.”

Araceli looked at Valentino with nothing short of adoration.

“I can’t help it, Vali, you know I get so excited sometimes. Now eat, or it gets cold and then I gotta heat it up.”

They finished breakfast in silence. When he was done eating, Seth went to clear his plate from the table but Araceli stopped him.

“Such a good boy, mi chico, pero no dishes for you. It’s late. It’s almost noon. What time you gonna go talk to your parents?”

“Mami, remember, there’s a civil rights thing at the Helbert Building today? I’m going to take Seth to it before he goes home. He’s never been to one before.” 

Araceli’s eyes lit up.

“That’s my boy! Nobody gonna tell my baby he can’t get married just because he’s in love with a boy. Okay, you go on. What time you be home, huh?”

“I’m not sure. I want to go with Seth when he talks to his parents…”

“So later then? You got school tomorrow.”

“I know. I won’t be late. I promise.”

“Okay. You boys go get dressed.”

This presented a problem; Seth had no clothes. Vali was good two inches taller than he was but luckily had a similar slender build; his shirts were maybe a little two long and wearing his underwear made Seth feel a little funny, but his own skinny jeans would work for another day and this would be okay.

“So like...what do I expect when we get there?” Seth asked, after Valentino had come out of the bathroom.

“I mean...it’ll be a bunch of people there with signs and stuff, demonstrating that we deserve the right to get married too,” Vali replied.

“But I mean...I mean do we need signs? Or rainbow stuff? I don’t...I don’t really…”

“Seth,” Vali said quietly. “Look at me.”

Seth did, and he found that staring into Valentino’s eyes instantly calmed his nerves.

“We don’t have to do this,” he said, calm, patient. “But baby boy, there’s nothing to worry about. There’ll be people there that look extreme. But there’ll be more people who look just like us, who just want the same things that every straight person in the world is allowed to have. It’s okay.”

Seth nodded.

“Okay. Okay, then...let’s do this.”

 

________________________________

 

Vali had never been to one of these things before, not without his parents, at least, and in truth, he felt just a little intimidated. He was never going to let that on to Seth, though. Seth, who radiated nervous excitement.

“Don’t let go of my hand,” he demanded after they’d parked and gotten out of the car. Vali was happy to oblige. 

There were way fewer people there than any other gay pride event that Valentino had ever been to, and honestly, he was surprised. The Helbert Building was kind of ramshackle-looking, but the lawn was enormous; it seemed like the perfect place for this. Seth clung to Vali’s hand.

“But...I thought that bans on gay marriage are unconstitutional,” Seth said as they walked among the groups of people.

“They are,” Vali answered. “But that doesn’t stop states from trying. Even though all they can hope to get from it is prolonging the inevitable. But on the other hand, all it would really take is a couple of Supreme Court Justices in the wrong places to overturn everything...it’s a battle we shouldn’t even have to fight, Seth. That’s the thing. People are starving. Rapists and murderers are going free, public education is in the toilet in a lot of states. And all we want to do is get married to the people we fall in love with. Seems like a no-brainer, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah...I guess…” Seth replied.

“You guess?” Vali said, perhaps a little more sharply than he wanted. “Don’t you want to get married someday?”

“Vali, until a couple of months ago, the idea of getting married wasn’t even on my radar,” Seth answered firmly. “Because the idea of being in a relationship of any kind with anyone wasn’t on my radar.”

Valentino smiled at him gently and then wrapped an arm around him. 

“I know. I’m one lucky guy,” he said, kissing Seth on the forehead. 

Vali thought the rally went well; lots of people had plenty to say, but everyone kept it pretty respectful. It was just beginning to get dark when people began to disperse. Hand in hand, he and Seth began to walk back towards where they’d parked. Valentino realized too late that he’d made a grave mistake.

They were the only ones walking down that street away from the Helbert Building. But they weren’t alone.

Six men were advancing on them. Vali instinctively stepped in front his boyfriend, praying that there would be no trouble, but if the looks on their faces was any indication…

“Look at the little twink,” one of them spoke maliciously, and Seth took a step behind Vali. 

“Valentino?” He could hear the fear in Seth’s voice, feel it in the way he gripped his hand, and he was just about to whisper to him to stay close and it would be fine when the group converged and before Vali could even react, Seth was wrenched away from him.

“Let me go!” Seth immediately began to try and writhe away, an anguished moan sound beginning to escape from his throat, but one of the men near him punched him in the face and then he was still but far from quiet. Seth’s anguished whimpers filled the air.

“C’mon, man,” Valentino yelled then, struggling for all he was worse but there were now two people holding him back while two more held Seth up. 

“‘C’mon, we’ve got money, you can have everything, just let us be.”

This was a lie. He had no money, not really; he was just hoping to buy time, but one of the men laughed.

“We’ve got money too,” he said, and his next words made Valentino’s blood run cold. “We want your twink.”

This admission caused both Seth and Vali to struggle harder.

“Let him go,” Vali repeated quietly, over the sound of Seth’s cries, still on his own feet but now keenly aware that this was bad. This was very, very, very bad.

“We haven’t done anything to you; just let us go and we’ll leave. We just want to get home.”

“They just want to get home,” one of the thugs mimicked.

Snickers erupted from the group of goons, and then one of them reached out to stroke Seth’s cheek. Seth cried out and pulled back.

“I mean it, don’t touch him,” fury coursed through Valentino. He knew damn well that he was powerless to stop whatever was about to happen, but he damn sure wasn’t going down without a fight.

He launched himself at the men holding on to Seth, so quickly that the two guys holding his arms were knocked off their feet, throwing punches blindly. Vali had never been in a real fight in his life, but he had to do something. 

But four on one was hardly a fair fight. It took them no time at all to subdue him, and then he saw the knife.

“Now look,” Lead Thug snapped, brandishing the weapon in front of Vali’s face, but Valentino didn’t hear a word he said after that. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Seth, the guy he loved, and fear ran through him. Seth was shrieking now, calling for his mother, and his eyes no longer seemed focused. A hard slap to Vali’s face jerked him back to attention. 

“Don’t worry,” Lead Thug said with a sickening grin. “He’s crying for his mama right now but by the time I’m done he’ll be begging for more.”

And then Valentino’s legs were kicked out from under him, and he went down hard, snapping his head against the curb as he went. Everything immediately began to fade, and the last thing he saw before he blacked out was Seth being dragged into the alley.

 

_______________________________________

 

Seth was feeling jumbled, woozy, and so scared. He couldn’t control the sounds he was making, or his arms or his legs or anything, really, but he saw. He saw the man with the knife in Valentino’s face and he saw Valentino hit his head on the curb and he saw the blood start to pool under his head. He didn’t see the man behind him yank his pants down, but he sure did feel it, and he screamed.

A hard kick to the back of his knee took him down, only to be hoisted back up again and slapped and he didn’t process the pain at first because the next thing he felt was a hand, rough and harsh, squeezing his butt and he couldn’t help it; he screamed again and again, he got the same treatment.

More pain, more groping, and out of the corner of his eye he saw someone begin to kick Vali in the ribs. 

“No, no, no,” Seth wailed, “no, please, Mama? Mama, help!”

He vaguely heard them laugh, but he couldn’t really make sense of what that meant.

Then he felt the most horrifying thing yet. 

Someone stuck their hand inside his underwear and began to grab at him. 

Seth knew what this meant.

_He could feel cold hands rubbing up and down, pressing, prodding, and there was nothing he could do except lay there and take it, over and over and over again…_

No, a voice inside him yelled. Don’t quit. Don’t give up. Seth has choices. Seth gets a choice. Don’t give in.

He caught sight of Vali again, laying there helpless and then he realized that the man with the knife was right in front of him now, and Seth’s arm was free. 

He didn’t know if he could control it, and his knee hurt so much now that he wasn’t sure if he had the strength to stand.

_Seth has choices._

He was drowning in his own terror, so unclear and wobbly but right then he knew it was this or nothing, and nothing meant having his choices taken away.

_Seth gets to have a choice._

He screamed then, loud and hard, until his lungs hurt, and lunged for the knife.

He could feel the person still holding his one arm grab on tighter, but he kept fighting. He felt something in his shoulder give, felt pain yet again, but his hand closed around the knife and he swung around and as soon as he did, the guy let go. 

Seth fell backwards onto his butt, pants still around his ankles and his shirt ripped; he knew he was done, but he kept the knife up so that they could see it and then he began to scream again. Loud and long and every time someone tried to come near him he swung and they jumped back and he tried to back up away from them and towards Valentino---was he even still breathing?---and suddenly they were all gone. 

Suddenly it was just Seth and Vali alone in the street. Seth kept screaming for good measure, but he dropped the knife and began frantically searching for something else. 

And then he found it.

His phone.

He shook so hard he couldn’t hold onto it, dropped it four times before he managed to find the number he wanted, all the while screaming lest the attackers come back, but he draped himself over his boyfriend. His right knee and shoulder were fairly useless but he was able to press call, that was all that mattered, and he quieted when he heard the voice he’d been desperate to hear.

“Hello?”

“Mama? Mama, please, I need help!”


	122. Loss

Roman was sitting between his mother and Megan at the dinner table when Lily’s phone rang, and he knew immediately that it was Seth. 

“Baby? What’s wrong? What’s happened, Seth? Where are you?”

This didn’t sound good.

“Hey, hey, hey. Seth William, I need you to calm down. Just breathe, bub. What’s happening? You’ve gotta calm down so I can help you. Seth?”

The conversation was clearly not going very well, because moments later, Lily turned to Roman. 

“I need you to talk to your little brother while I get Daddy to track his phone.”

Roman placed the phone on the table and turned on speaker, and he was immediately met with the sound of Seth in a blind panic.

“Mommmyyyyy? Mommy, I don’t know where I am, please, just come get me, they’ve hurt Valentino, Mama, they hurt him, just please.”

“Seth,” Roman murmured, trying to keep calm. His brother was clearly sobbing.

“R-ro-roman?”

“It’s me, baby brother, it’s me. Listen. Mom went to get Dad. They’re going to help you. Listen to me. Do you know where you are?”

“No...no...nononono,” Seth wailed.

“Shhhhh, brother, listen to me,” Roman was surprised at how firm his voice sounded. “Listen, Seth, just listen. I want you to take a deep breath, as deep as you can, and then blow it out slowly. That’s good, now again. And again.”

“Roman, it hurrrrttttsssss,” Seth wailed, and Roman cringed.

Whatever was happening, his brother was terrified AND in pain. ‘ 

“I know, listen,” he tried to calmly instruct his brother. By then their father had come into the kitchen, along with Dean, who looked confused and upset.

“Just think, Seth, just think, don’t cry, just think. Where are you?”

“I don’t know,” Seth hiccuped.

“Yes you do. You’ve gotta focus. Where are you?”

“I d-d-d-don’t know, we were at the Helbert Building and then we were trying to find the car and I don’t know where I am right now. I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“Shhhhhh…” Roman tried to soothe his brother. “Look around you, Seth? Are you in front of the Helbert Building right now?”

“N-no,” Seth whimpered, still in peril but seemingly a little calmer. 

“Can you see any street signs? You’re doing great, Seth, just focus. Look around. What you do you see?”

“Th---there’s a b-building across the street,” Seth stammered. “It says United American P-packaging.”

“Good,” Roman said, trying to maintain his calm, but that was impossible because God only knew what was going on. Still, he elbowed Dean and mouthed, Google that.

“Roman...Roman, I’m cold. I’m c-cold and it h-hurts, please, come get me, please.”

“It’s okay. We’re going to come get you. Mama is on the phone with 911 and Daddy is tracking your phone. Look really closely at the building, brother. What else do you notice about it? Can you see a street number?”

“N-n-no, just...11th Street. It says 11th Street.”

From out of the corner of his eye, Roman saw his father make a silent ‘yes’ motion with his arm, then cricked his finger at Roman, beckoning him to follow. Their mother was already on her way out to the car and Megan stood and rested her hand on Dean’s shoulder.

“I’ll stay with Finn. You just go.”

“Hang on, Seth,” Dean’s voice came as he and Roman climbed into the back of the Escalade.

“D-dean?” 

“Sure is. You gotta hang on. Do you know what happened?”

“They-they-they-hurt-m-m-m-me,” a terrified sob erupted from their brother. “And Vali-Vali is un-c-c-c-conscious.”

“Calm down, little brother,” Dean’s voice was focused and firm yet also soothing, and Roman reached for his hand.

“I c-c-can’t calm d-d-down,” Seth was absolutely bawling. “There’s b-b-blood. There’s blood and those m-m-m-men t-t-t-touched meeeeeeeeeee…”

Everyone in the car stilled; what did that mean?

Lily spoke first.

“It’s okay, my baby. It’s okay. The ambulance is almost there and there’s a police car just up the street. Look up, baby. Can you see it?”

“Y-yes,” Seth whimpered. He sounded completely spent.

“He’s going to park and come over to you, bub. Just hang tight okay? Help is there, Seth William, and we’re coming. You’re doing just great, my angel boy.”

“Mommy! Mommy, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, this is all my fault,” Seth’s sobs intensified then and Lily was clearly crying too

“Shhhh...bub...you and I will talk soon, baby, I promise you we will, but the most important thing to me right now is that you are safe. We need to get you safe first, baby boy.”

They heard a voice in the background then, heard Seth cry out, heard him shriek, and then Lily spoke quietly.

“The police are on the scene.” Then to Seth, “bub, calm down, baby, they’re going to help you. They’re going to help you and Valentino.”

Terror filled Seth’s voice as he began to sob again. 

“Roman? ROMAN! Roman, help, Roman, HELP ME!”

“Hey, hey, hey, listen,” Roman was having a hard time keeping himself together but for Seth he knew he had to. 

“You need to do what he says, baby brother, okay? He’s there to help you. Do whatever the police and the paramedics say and we’re going to meet you at the hospital. Daddy and Mama and Dean and I, we’re all here and we’re coming. You just gotta do what they say and we’re on our way. I love you Seth. I love you so damn much and everything is going to be okay now. Just do what he says.”

But Seth’s voice remained high-pitched and fearful as everyone in the vehicle could hear the unknown medics and police officers try to talk to him calmly. 

“No, no, no, I want my brothers, I want my brothers, I want---I want my brothers, please, Roman, Dean, help, help, HELP ME!!!”

There was another shriek of anguish before Seth went silent and then a different voice came over the line.

“Dr. G? My name is Ramon. We’ve got Seth loaded in the ambulance and we’re taking him to St. Mary’s. Is he allergic to any medications?”

“No,” Lily murmured. “Tell him we’re coming. Tell him we’re going to meet him there.”

“He’s in good hands, I promise,” Ramon said, and then the line disconnected and Roman finally buried his face into his hands and let out the tears that he had been holding in since this whole awful mess started.

 

___________________________________

 

“I want my brothers!”

That’s what Seth had been screaming.

Not “I want my parents.”

Definitely not “I want my mother.”

Lily knew it didn’t really matter, as long as her baby was safe, but it still felt like a punch in the gut. She’d done this. This was her fault. Whatever had happened, it was all her fault and she knew it and she had absolutely no idea what had happened, except---

Someone had touched Seth. 

Lily wasn’t stupid; she knew what that meant. And they’d been two kids at a gay rights rally, which had to bring out the bad people as well as the good.

What if Seth had been raped?

What if Valentino had?

What if they were both hurt so badly that one or both of them died?

Lily knew this was probably a stretch or the medic would have said so, but still, the very thought that the last conversation she’d ever had with her baby was in a fit of anger cut Lily to her core. 

She had to fix this. Somehow, some way, she had to fix this.

When they got to the hospital, Seth was still screaming. Lily knew this because she could hear him almost the second she walked through the ER doors. It was heart-wrenching. She needed to be with him, needed to touch him, needed to understand what had happened, so that she could help him understand what had happened. It wasn’t as easy as all that though.

Eventually Lily and Tony were escorted into the exam room and Lily finally got a good look at her baby. 

He was shaking like a leaf and sobbing harder than Lily had ever seen him. His right arm hung limp at his side, and he had a gash on his left cheek that still oozed blood. Angry bruises already began to form around his wrists and left eye, and because he was in a hospital gown, Lily could tell that his right knee was swollen.

Nurses were attempting to calm him, start an IV, and settle him onto the exam table. Seth was trying to run away. Lily approached him slowly.

“Hi, bub,” she murmured. “What’s goin’ on?”

Seth took one look at her, shrieked, and tried to get up.

“No, no, no, Roman. Dean. Roman,” he wailed.

“They’re out there,” Lily soothed, trying desperately to reach out for Seth, but he squealed when she touched him and recoiled as though he’d been burned.

“Seth William, it’s okay,” she began but then the screams began again.

“No, no, NO, NO, NO,” her baby shrieked and with a shattered heart, Lily retreated. What was going on?

Tony made an attempt, and didn’t fair much better, although Seth did allow his father to rub his back.

“Does he always react to stress like this?” A nurse wanted to know.

“He has post traumatic stress disorder,” Tony tried to explain. “He’s never reacted quite like this, but I don’t have any idea what kind of stressor he’s had here either…you’re okay buddy. C’mon, bud, just breathe.”

Their efforts to soothe their son were completely useless; he just could not calm down. It was almost as though he was having some sort of psychotic break; in fact, Lily began to wonder if that was exactly what was happening. 

Seth’s face was beet red, and he still pleaded for his brothers. It sounded horrid, like he was desperately trying to catch his breath between words but couldn’t for the sobs that erupted instead. 

“R-roman! (sob-gasp) Dean! (sob-gasp)” Over and over and over, until finally Tony turned to Lily.

“Just go get the boys,” he said, and one of the other nurses began to protest, but Tony interrupted.

“I don’t know what else to do. I already told you, we’ve never seen him like this. I think it’s better to give him what he wants right now; what’ll it hurt?” Tony asked above Seth’s sobs. 

“We need to examine him,” the nurse argued, and Lily shook her head. 

“No, he’s right,” she said. “Just let me go get Dean and Roman. I agree that it can’t hurt anything. If it calms him down enough that you can at least sedate him…”

Begrudgingly, the nurse finally agreed. Lily slipped out of the room. When Roman and Dean saw her they both jumped to their feet.

“Mom?” Dean questioned, but Lily just shook her head.

“C’mon,” she said quietly. “We need you.”

They returned to Seth and Tony, and although Seth was no longer screaming, he looked as though he was about to cry himself to sleep sitting up on the table. Tony was still softly rubbing the boy’s back, but Seth’s eyes weren’t focused and he really didn’t seem to be aware of anything going on in the room. Lily eyed the nasty gash on his cheek and wondered if he had a minor concussion. He did seem calmer---until Lily stepped in front of him. 

Deep brown tearfilled eyes met hers, long black lashes practically tethered together from all the sobbing and then…

And then her baby let loose the most horrifying scream yet.

“Nooooooooooooooooo!”

The look in his eyes told her what she had already begun to suspect---he didn’t seem to recognize her. Lily’s heart shattered just a little bit more, but then Dean and Roman swooped in.

Seth was growing hoarse by now but the second he saw his brother in front of him he flung his left arm around his neck.

“Roman. Roman. Roman,” he cried between gasps and hiccups. 

Roman came and stood in front of Seth and just wrapped him into a hug. Seth, exhausted, draped himself onto his oldest brother. He never stopped crying, but everything he’d gone through had clearly been debilitating.

Lily stood back and looked at her boys.

Seth still sat on the examination table, good arm wrapped weakly around Roman’s neck, cheek resting on his biggest brother’s shoulder. He sniffled and gasped but the screams and shrieks had stopped. Blood was smearing all over Roman’s hoodie but he didn’t seem to care. Dean had taken Tony’s place behind Seth, resting a hand between his little brother’s shoulder blades and talking to him so quietly that only the three boys could hear what he was saying. Eventually he motioned a nurse over and gently disentangled Seth’s arm from Roman’s neck, offering it so that an IV could be started. Lily could hear Dean quietly murmur, 

“It’s okay, brother. Just a stick, Seth. Just a stick and then they’ll give you something to help you relax.”

Seth whimpered when the needle went into his arm, but he didn’t move a muscle against Roman. Dean turned to his parents then.

“I think his shoulder is dislocated,” Dean murmured quietly, so as not to startle Sethf. “I can feel it when I touch his back.”

A nurse wrote something down in Seth’s chart.

“This is much better, she said quietly. 

All of the fight had drained out of Seth and the Ativan the nurse had given him was definitely beginning to take ahold of him; he sagged against Roman, eyes heavy. 

“Everything’s okay now,” Roman told Seth quietly. “We’re all here with you and you’re gonna start feeling better. Let’s lay you down.”  
Roman and Dean gently arranged Seth on the exam table with no protest at all from the youngest Girardi. Lily was just glad that he’d be able to rest now, especially when the nurse took her and Tony aside.

“He came in with his pants down around his ankles. He has some mild bruising to his groin---finger marks. A doctor will be in shortly to read his blood tests and take some x-rays, and she’ll probably order a CT scan but we also are of the feeling that a rape exam may be necessary.”

“He’ll freak,” Tony said immediately. “There’s...I’m not saying no as in you can’t or whatever. But this is a child who was so severely sexually abused when he was younger that it’s taken us five years to get to this point...I just don’t see this working unless you plan to knock him out.”

“He’s pretty out of it right now,” the nurse replied. “If you guys consent, I can go ahead and knock it out. Then we’ll get all of his tests run and get him into a room. Depending on his injuries he may have to stay longer but I’m fairly certain he’ll be admitted at least for the night.”

Lily and Tony agreed, because what choice did they really have? Lily was beginning to feel sick to her stomach and lightheaded, and while she didn’t understand it, Seth definitely didn’t seem to recognize her. She knew he wouldn’t want her there for this; not in the state he was in anyway, so she decided to go get some water and just clear her head in the ER waiting room, but it wasn’t long before she was joined by Dean.

“How’s it going in there?” Lily asked him quietly, and she was thankful when her middle son rested his head on her shoulder.

“He’s miserable,” Dean whispered in response. “It’s awful, Mom. He can’t really move but he keeps moaning like...like he knows what’s happening but he can’t get away   
from it. Do you...do you really think they raped him?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what happened,” Lily replied, hugging Dean tight. “I pray not. But until he’s settled down and able to explain...we can’t know.”

Dean snuggled closer.

“Have you heard anything about Valentino?”

“I---no. No, I haven’t. I haven’t even thought about it honestly; I’m not even sure who I’d ask. I mean I don’t know if they can tell me.”

“Seth hasn’t asked about him. I don’t think he’s with it,” Dean sighed and Lily rubbed his arm.

“Right now it’s probably better, sweetie, huh? For now I think it’s best if he just stays calm and gets some rest. You and Ro...I’m so proud of you, stepping in like you did.”

Dean blushed.

“I don’t know; it’s just what you do I guess? I mean when he’s crying and begging for me how can I not? Mama, I swear, if I’ve ever been jealous of Seth and how much extra attention he gets, I swear never again.”

“Oh, baby,” Lily kissed Dean’s forehead. “You and Ro...you’ve never lost track of what’s most important and you’ve never expected anything from your baby brother that he wasn’t able to give. I lost sight of that, I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ve ruined everything with him. Daddy thinks Seth is having a psychotic break and I don’t know, maybe he is, but I think he’s got selective amnesia.”

“Mama? He hasn’t forgotten you. He just…” Dean trailed off and Lily laughed ruefully.

“He’s definitely got some kind of block against me right now, sweetie. That’s why we called you and Ro back there. He was begging for you two; he didn’t want anything to do with Daddy and he REALLY didn’t want me to touch him. It was like 5 years ago, only the roles were sort of reversed. I just...wasn’t expecting...but I probably should’ve. I haven’t been a good Mama to him. This is all my fault, Dean.”

“Yes you have. You’re a great mom to all of us. You’re the best mom and Gigi in the whole world. You’re only mistake is that you tried to do too much. What happened to Seth tonight isn’t your fault, Mama. It would’ve happened no matter if you’d argued with him or not. You’ve got to know that. I hope I’m a fourth the parent you and Dad are.”

“You are an amazing father, sweetie,” Lily told Dean. “You’ll make mistakes just like I have, but you’re still the very perfect father for that little boy. You clearly love him so much, Dean. It’s wonderful to see---”

Lily would’ve continued, but at that moment Tony approached him.

“Lu? Seth is asleep. They’re transporting him to a room. Come on.”

On the way up, Tony explained to Dean and Lily what was going on.

“It looks like he has NOT been raped,” was the first information Tony disclosed, and Lily felt all the air leave her. She didn’t realize she’d been holding her breath. 

“Thank God,” she murmured. “The rest is bad enough.”

“His shoulder is definitely dislocated. They stitched his cheek. The cut wasn’t long but it was deep. I think they’ll want an MRI on his knee but he’s done for now. I think the odds are that they’ll want to keep him for a couple of nights. They’re watching him for signs of a concussion…” they arrived at Seth’s door to find Roman already in there with his brother.

“So I guess this is home for the next few days,” Tony finished.

Now that Seth was sleeping, he looked completely different. The redness had left his face. A black sling held his shoulder, now wrapped in white bandages, still and the bruises were blooming on his face, neck, and arms. He was wearing a hospital gown and a blanket was pulled up to his waist. His eyes were closed and his breathing was even, but he looked far from serene.

He looked terrified.

Lily felt tears fill her eyes, and a moment later she felt her husband, Dean, and Roman surround her.

“He’s gonna be okay,” Tony said quietly. “A few days, we’ll take him home...I talked to Valentino’s dad. He’s got a few cracked ribs and a concussion but he’s gonna be okay, too, Lu, they’re fine. Our boys are going to be just fine.

But Lily had to seriously question Tony’s definition of fine; after all, a few weeks ago they had argued and he’d said something similar himself. Seth might not have lasting injuries. But she doubted whether they would ever be fine…

_“Why can’t you see what you’re doing to him?” Tony yelled and Lily blanched. She wasn’t accustomed to such treatment._

_“I’m not doing anything to him!” Lily couldn’t help it; she yelled right back._

_“Lily. Think about this. Ever since you found out the girls are around, that’s all you’ve thought about. That’s all you can focus on. Why WOULDN’T Seth feel insecure right now? And I’ve got news for you, it’s not just Seth. He’s just the only one who’s having a hard time hiding it.”_

_“What the hell, Tony? Just what the hell? Those boys are fine, and if I didn’t know any better I’d say YOU are the person who’s jealous. Didn’t you love them too? Haven’t you wondered how they turned out? How can you say---”_

_“How can I say? How can YOU SAY ANY OF THAT?” Tony bellowed, and from somewhere in the house, Finn began to cry. “How dare you imply that I didn’t love those kids?”_

_“Then why are you acting like this? Why? Why are you acting like us meeting with them is such a bad thing?”_

_“Because you can’t DO THIS at the expense of the children we already have!”_

_“Excuse me, but has there ever been a time when I’ve ever done anything but put them first, Anthony? Name one single time. I defy you.”_

_Tony’s face softened then, and Lily’s hackles went down just a little. But instead of conceding, all Tony did was shake his head._

_“Listen, you don’t have to be reasonable. You don’t have to listen to me. I love you, and I’m telling you that you’re not considering what’s best for this family. I’m not saying this can’t work. But I am saying that it’s not gonna work the way you’re doing it. And mark my words, Lily, you’re gonna lose Seth. Keep this up the way you’re doing it and you’re gonna lose our son. He needs us more than ever right now. And he needs to be a priority over the girls. I can’t fight with you anymore. You’re going to have to just decide. I’m going to sleep in the office tonight.”_

_For the first time in their 20+ year marriage, Lily went to bed alone because Tony had opted to sleep on the couch…_

And now here she was. She’d lost her Seth. It was a nagging feeling so strong in her soul that she just, deep down, she knew. Lily glanced over at Roman, who was asleep on the little loveseat in Seth’s room; Dean and Tony had gone home to take care of Finn and get some things together. It was late now, about 3 am, and as Roman softly snored, Lily pulled a blanket up around him, kissed his forehead, and then went off in search of some decent coffee. 

What she found was not decent, but it WAS coffee, and she decided that for this time of night in a hospital, it would just have to work.

But when she returned to Seth’s room, she saw something that made her heart pound.

Roman was still sound asleep on the loveseat, but seated next to Seth was a woman Lily had never seen before. She was small and slightly heavyset, tanned skin, dark hair and dark eyes. She could only be Valentino’s mother.

Seth seemed semi-awake, although he was clearly still out of it, and Araceli Dawson held his hand and spoke to him in a quiet, calming voice.

“Esta bien, mi chico,” she murmured, reaching out to gently brush a tear from Seth’s eye. “Esta bien. You gonna be okay. Valentino, he’s gonna be okay. It’s all gonna be okay, mi chico, just wait. You’ll see.”

Lily stood frozen in the doorway for what seemed like forever, watching as someone else’s mother comforted her son before slowly beginning to back away. Tony, it seemed, had been absolutely right.


	123. Mama vs. Mami

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got a little creative/chaotic in the middle; I'm hoping it adequately describes what it's intended to describe. Let me know what you think!

Megan turned on the TV shortly after Dean left, and the first thing she found was breaking news of a potential hate crime in downtown Houston. She shuddered; that had to be Seth and Valentino. The reporter said that two teenagers whose names hadn’t been released were transported to the hospital after being attacked shortly after a civil rights demonstration. 

What the fuck is wrong with people? Megan wondered silently. 

She wandered into Dean’s room to peek at Finn, who was sleeping peacefully with his WubbaNub bear pacifier in his mouth. Megan remembered fondly the day she bought that for him, from her and Uncle Roman, and she briefly wondered where Jessie was and how she was doing. Although Megan definitely didn’t approve of Jessie running out on Dean and Finn, she also knew it wasn’t her place to judge, and she DID miss her friend. She hoped everything was okay.

With a sigh, she wandered back down the hall, gazing at all of the pictures that Lily had hung on the walls. There were so many; the hallway was basically a giant gallery. She noticed with a smile that two of her and Roman’s prom pictures were now hanging there, along with a photo of her and Roman holding Finn around the time of his birth, and there was also a skiing photo. It felt kind of good, like being part of a second family. 

God knew she loved these people, every single one of them. There had been no formal proposal or anything like that, but Megan had no doubt that one day she’d carry their last name and further down the line, one way or another, she and Roman would have children of their own that would get to call Lily and Tony their “Gigi” and “Papa.”

Megan glanced at her phone. By now it was well past 10 pm, and still no word from Roman or anyone else about how Seth was doing. She was starting to get hungry. Megan knew full well that she was welcome to anything the Girardi’s had, but it still felt strange to just go into their kitchen and start cooking; some rummaging in fridge revealed some leftover zuppa toscana soup that she knew Lily had made a few days ago, so she heated herself a bowl and decided to throw Roman a text.

_Thinking about you guys. The little man is sleeping like an angel. Let me know how it’s going. Love you._

Fifteen minutes later her phone buzzed; she had a text but it wasn’t from Roman. 

_Dad and I are on our way back to the house. Is Finn behaving?_

 

Megan grinned; of course he was. 

_Finn is great. How is Seth?_

Dean didn’t answer, but it wasn’t long before headlights flashed in the window and then Dean and Tony came in through the garage. Dean went directly to the kitchen table and rested his head in his hands. Megan carefully sat down beside him, and they were soon joined by Tony, who looked sheerly exhausted.

“That good, huh?” Megan asked quietly, and Dean just shook his head.

“Valentino isn’t conscious and Seth isn’t coherent,” Dean began. “So we can’t say for sure, but based on what we do know, the police think that they were walking back to the car and they were jumped by several men.”

“Oh God…” Megan murmured. “Are they---I mean I know this is a really dumb question but are they okay? Or will they be?”

“Physically they’ll heal,” Tony said softly. “Seth...his injuries are minor but...damn, I know he’d just been through a huge ordeal but...something isn’t right.”

“Like...what do you mean?” Megan asked.

“He only wanted me and Roman,” Dean said. “He didn’t want anything to do with Mom at all. Dad...he didn’t completely freak when Dad was around him but he didn’t want much to do with him either, but it wasn’t even that. It was like...he was like...kind of like...like he was when he first came home.”

“Do you think...did they say why they thought that was?” 

“He had absolutely no symptoms of a traumatic brain injury,” Tony replied. “So they decided to sedate him and let him sleep tonight and see how he does tomorrow morning. If he’s still screaming and incoherent when he wakes up they’re going to do an MRI of his brain to make sure there’s nothing wrong there. His CT scan was clear; he has no concussion. If there’s nothing wrong with his brain, it might be...well. There are still a lot of things it might be. Dr. Bushman is going to come out tomorrow either way but it may end up being to assess him.”

“But he’s been really traumatized, so it could be totally normal, right?” Megan could tell that there was something Tony wasn’t saying.

“It...like I said, it could be a lot of things. None of them are terribly good. But I don’t think there’s any point in getting all worked up right now. Best case scenario he’s reacting to trauma the best way his subconscious knows how. Worst...worst case is...we know he’s predisposed to schizophrenia.”

“You can get schizophrenia from emotional trauma?” Megan felt dubious.

“No, not if you weren’t going to get it anyway, but Seth’s biological mother has it and as far as we can tell it’s got at least some genetic properties. He can’t just get it from being stressed. But if he’s going to get it anyway, or if he already has it and it just hasn’t started manifesting yet, a stressor could definitely trigger the beginning of it.”

Dean looked up at his father.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said determinedly. “I made a promise to Seth once that if he does get it, I’m taking care of him for the rest of his life anyway so whether he has it or not---”

“Dean,” Tony said softly. “It’s okay. Your mother and I aren’t going to abandon Seth if this is what’s going on, and anyway, that’s only one scenario. But rest assured, buddy. We’ve planned for this. Don’t worry.”

Dean yawned then. 

“Bud, why don’t you go to bed?” Tony suggested. “I’m going to get some things together and go back to the hospital but you can go on---”

“Like hell I’m staying here. Seth needs me.”

“What are you gonna do, take Finn to the hospital?” Tony asked, not a hint of maliciousness in his voice. 

Dean froze; he clearly hadn’t thought about that but Megan spoke up.

“Why don’t you lay down for just a little bit? I’ll run home and get some pajamas and some stuff and come back and sleep here.”

Dean looked at Megan gratefully.

“Really? You don’t mind?”

“Of course not. Finn’s just going to sleep anyway right?”

“There’s no guarantee,” Dean replied ruefully. “He’s usually pretty good but not every night.”

“Well, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. I have a final in the morning at 10 and that’s all I’ve got so if you want, if someone can just get here by 9:30, I’ll come back after it’s over and spend the day with him if you want.”

“You are the best. The absolute best,” Dean whispered, flinging his arms around Megan. “Thank you. So so much.”

“It’s okay,” she murmured in response. “You’re right. Seth needs you.”

Two hours later when the baby woke up crying, Megan picked him up. From that point on, every time she tried to sit down with him, he would arch his back and wail, but the second she stood back up, he’d lay his head on her shoulder and agree to suck on his pacifier.

“You’re a little turd,” Megan gently accused Finn, who smiled at her around the paci. “Yeah, and you know it too.” 

When the baby finally fell asleep, she looked down at his sweet, innocent little face, considered all of the day’s events---and decided to hold him just a little bit longer.

 

________________________________________________

 

_Traces of blue and green, yellow and gold, floating through his vision---he could only feel in color. Scent, sight, taste, touch, sound---all color and in his head a song he sensed wasn’t really there_

_\---”well they showed you a statue, told you to pray”---_

_the voice beside him was a sort of sky blue and he minded it less_

_\---”aww but they never told you the price that you pay for the things that you might’ve done”---_

_he didn’t know what it meant or why or who or anything but the sound was blue and the touch was green and blue and green meant okay_

_\---”the stained-glass curtain you’re hiding behind never lets in the sun”---_

_but Seth could make neither heads nor tails, if Seth was even still his name? What was a name? He thought maybe he was gray or brown or even white and then another shadow-color-orange-fear_

_\---”you got a nice white dress and a party on your Confirmation”---_

_shadow-color-orange-fear_

_\---”you got a brand new soul mmm and a cross of gold”---_

_orange-fear red-anger what’s happening no no no no nonononono and the blue green_

_\---”but Virginia they didn’t give ya quite enough information”---_

_loudloudloudloud so loud blue green red orange loud_

_\---”you didn’t count on me when you were counting on your rosary whoa whoa whoa”---_

_clash. Blue green red orange crash what why? He couldn’t. He couldn’t, he can’t, he hurts, hurt is yellow, hurt is yellow, loud, loud, loud, loud, blue green red orange clash loud_

_\---”they say there’s a heaven for those who will wait some say it’s better but I say it ain’t”---_

_was he being punished? Seth gets choicesSethgetstochooseSETHISABADBOY_

_\---”I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun”---_

_blue green red orange clash loud stop stop stop nonononono stop stop what why? Blue green red orange angry loud angry loud...purple_

_\---”sooner or later it comes down to faith, I might as well be the one”---_

_purple better purple better so much loud purple better purple better_

_\---”only the good die young, woo hoo, only the good die young”---_

_purple better purple better dark dark dark…_

 

______________________________

 

Lily was sitting in the waiting area drinking tea when Tony and Dean returned to the hospital with (admittedly probably too many) things from home for Seth, including pillows and blankets from his bed, one of Finn’s numerous stuffed animals, clothes, books, snacks (these were more for everyone else), Seth’s iPad, headphones, laptop, and two of his favorite beanies, because Tony just hadn’t felt like arguing with his son that inside the hospital, Seth probably would not need a beanie.

There were all of the standard toiletries, too, including a roll of toilet paper because, once again, Tony hadn’t had it in him to explain that the hospital provided that.

It made Dean feel better to be so prepared, so why take that away from him?

Tony and Dean were right behind Lily when she finished her tea and went back to Seth’s room, and the second Tony saw Araceli Dawson seated next to Seth’s bed, holding Seth’s hand, he knew there would be a confrontation. Checkmate. No way to avoid this. 

“What are you doing here?” Lily spoke first, and quietly, not a hint of malice in her voice, but Tony had been married to those eyes for a long time, and he knew they were not happy. 

“Your baby was all alone,” was Araceli’s simple response. Tony tried to intervene.

“I’m Tony Girardi, Seth’s father. You must be Araceli---” Lily interrupted though.

“Don’t you have your own son to take care of?”

“Lu,” Tony warned, but Araceli just shook her head.

“Valentino, he’d want me to stay with Seth. He wouldn’t want Seth to be all alone.”

“Seth’s not all alone,” Lily’s voice was slightly colder. “We’re all here.”

“Funny, the only person I see here is sleeping,” Araceli murmured. 

Lily snorted.

“Well, luckily enough, we don’t have to explain ourselves to you,” she replied and there was definite malice in her voice now. Tony wrapped an arm around her.

“Lu,” he murmured again, but she shook him off. Hackles raised and face tense, Lily approached Seth’s bed. 

Seth was still very out of it; his eyelids had fluttered a few times, but Tony would hardly say he was awake. He hadn’t made a sound, hadn’t moved a muscle, but when Lily rested her hand on his arm, he visibly shuddered.

“It’s okay, bub,” she murmured quietly, but her soothing voice did nothing to calm Seth, who continued to shake.

“He doesn’t want to see you,” Araceli said simply. “He’s been hurting.”

“I know that,” Lily replied.

“You do? Mi chico se escapo de su casa. El tenia miedo. He’s afraid. Afraid you don’t love him anymore,” Araceli squeezed Seth’s hand then, before turning her attention back to the boy.

“Esta bien, mi chico,” she crooned and Lily’s eyes flashed.

“He is NOT your little boy,” she snapped coldly. Araceli looked up, slightly startled, and Tony wasn’t sure if it was from the venom of Lily’s voice or the fact that she understood Spanish perfectly. Either way, Lily took that pause as her opening.

“You’ve done absolutely nothing to earn the title of his mother. Did you spend hour upon sleepless hour holding him in your lap because he had horrific nightmares about being raped and beaten? No, pretty sure that was me. Did you stay by his side when he was deathly ill in the hospital after being bitten by black widows? What? Me too? Oh, yeah. Did you take him to visit his biological mother because he NEEDED that even though it tore you up inside? ‘Cause I don’t remember you being there for that, either. I may not be perfect; no, wait, I KNOW I’m not perfect, but at least I can admit it and not cast judgment on others. Regardless of what you think of me, he is NOT your little boy. This child is MINE.”

“So what, you want a reward? You want someone to pat you back and tell you, ‘good job, mama?’ He too old for that now? He stop needing his mama? Nope. Nope, he didn’t but you stop being one. Why? He too old? He too gay?”

Araceli’s temper was beginning to flare too, and Lily looked like she was about to hit the ceiling.

“I do NOT care that he’s gay,” she shouted and at that moment Seth jumped, startled, and let out a squeal. 

“Oh, bebe,” Araceli murmured, but Lily snapped,

“Don’t you touch him. I don’t want you in here making things worse. Just get out.”

“Ladies,” Tony took Lily by the elbow and guided her out of the room, motioning for Araceli to follow.

“Now, listen,” he said. “Araceli, I understand that you’re worried about your son, but you have to understand that we are too---”

“Are you? Your son, he gotta hide who he is from his parents? Maybe Seth never felt he had to run away, none of this woulda happen, you think?”

“Now THAT is the first correct thing you’ve said,” Lily said, eyes narrowed with fury. “Because I may not have known, but if I had, there’s no chance in hell that those boys would have been down in a terrible part of town without an adult with them. And then this DEFINITELY would not have happened.”

“Let me tell you somethin’,” Araceli’s voice was raised. “My son, he loves your boy.”

“That doesn’t mean that you and I have to be friends,” Lily replied. 

“No, but it mean I’m a part of your life now,” Araceli said, “and you a part of mine, if I like it or not. If my Vali love your Seth, then I love your Seth too, so you better treat your child with respect. He show up crying on my porch again, I don’t make him go home. Comprende?” 

Before Lily could respond, Araceli Dawson spun around and stormed away. 

“How DARE she?” Lily snapped, and Tony wrapped his arms around her, figuring he was going to have to talk her down. 

He was surprised when instead, her shoulders began to shake. He gently turned her chin so she was facing him, and she began to cry even harder.

“She’s right,” Lily whispered, all the fight drained out of her. “She’s right. She’s absolutely right. This is all my fault. My baby...this is all my fault.”

Then she buried her face into his chest and sobbed. Tony held her tight and patted her back. He didn’t agree with Lily right then; it definitely wasn’t entirely her fault. But he didn’t have the words to explain that to her, so instead, he just held on.


	124. Go Ask Alice

Monday morning wasn’t good.

Of course, Roman hadn’t really had high hopes for it anyway; he had his first ever college final at 8 am. On a Monday morning. Seriously. He envied Megan, who at least got to wait until 10; they did have several finals together later that week, and he’d intended to study with her later that afternoon but of course, getting back to Seth was his first priority now.

He drowsed through his early lit test; no amount of coffee was going to get him going. Roman was a fairly sharp student usually, and his grades on all of the coursework were good, so he knew that even if he completely flunked the final, he’d still carry a B in the course. But his goal was to finish his first semester with a 4.0; between football and academics neither he nor his parents had paid a dime for his first semester and he intended to keep it that way. He never had developed a love of history, but by now he knew he never would. Luckily that was one class he and Meg shared, and her organized note-taking had helped him immensely. 

If he could just focus, he might even manage the straight A’s he wanted, but staying focused was next to impossible.

All he could think about was Seth.

It scared him. Roman could very clearly remember what things had been like when he very first met his baby brother; the fear, the screaming, the awful nightmares, all of it, and he didn’t want to go back there again. Ever. 

On the other hand, that had been temporary and schizophrenia would be permanent…

Roman left his final to a text from his mom:

_Meeting with Dr. B at 11. Do you mind running by the house and picking up Dean and Finn? Meg said she would come by the hospital and get him after her final._

So Roman ran out to the house to get Dean, and then on the way back in they stopped by Starbucks because he figured by then they’d all need some caffeine.

It was Dean’s 18th birthday that day, and although the real party was coming up, Roman knew they had been planning on cooking him dinner at home that night and letting him open presents. Then, at Dean’s request, a ski trip was planned after Roman’s Bowl game in Vegas. Lee Canyon wasn’t far from the Strip. So Lily and Tony had planned two nights at Mandalay Bay and then a week at Lee Canyon. This was to be Dean’s 18th birthday gift.

Now, though, no one seemed to feel much like celebrating. Roman wished his brother a happy birthday when he picked him up, but Dean just slumped glumly in his seat.

“Hey---no fair bottling shit up,” Roman said quietly as they listened to Finn happily babble in the back seat. “Tell me what you’re feeling.”

“Honestly? Right now? I’m so fucking pissed, Rome. So fucking pissed.”

“Okay…” Dean had more to say; Roman could sense this.

“I’m pissed because how many times did we tease Valentino about not ever hurting Seth, and if he’d never taken him out there none of this would’ve happened.”

“Valentino didn’t know---” Roman began, but Dean interrupted.

“I’m ROYALLY pissed at Mom for letting this go on for so long, and I’m pretty pissed at Dad too because seriously? Where some goddamn pants.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Roman demanded.

“It means that the second he realized how much this twins thing was upsetting the family he should have fucking called it off.”

“That isn’t fair, Dean,” protested Roman, now feeling fairly pissed himself. “It’s just...a lot of poor timing that couldn’t have been avoided and if you’re gonna be mad at them over the twins, you might as well be pissed off at me and yourself too, because I was the one who even brought it up and you were the one who was like, ‘I think not knowing would be awful, blah, blah, blah.”

One scathing look from Dean let Roman know that, in fact, Dean had already considered both of these points.

“Don’t think either one of us is off the hook,” he snapped, and Finn whimpered from the backseat. 

“See?” Dean said, and now he sounded near tears. “Finn’s heard more yelling in the last week than he’s ever heard in his first four months and I hate it. I grew up in a lot of yelling and I never wanted that for him. But that’s what he’s getting and it’s just not fair. And you know what, Rome?”

“What’s that, Dean?” Roman was still seething slightly but he tried to keep his voice neutral for the sake of not completely losing it.

“I am so fucking, fucking, FUCKING PISSED AT SETH. And I fucking hate myself for it but I can’t HELP it. I know none of it’s his fault but if he’d just told us. If he’d just TOLD us...I’d have gone with him yesterday. I know you would’ve. Maybe even Mom and Dad. Maybe even they would’ve put lunch on hold if they’d known how important this was. You know they would. Rome...why? Why couldn’t he trust us?”

Dean couldn’t stop the tears anymore and Roman didn’t have much to offer by way of words. But he reached across the console and took his brother’s hand. 

“Listen,” he said softly, all traces of anger gone. “It’s okay to be pissed. I am too. And I don’t know what his thoughts were, and I have a feeling that will be something that’s discussed at length here pretty soon, and the thing is...Dean, our family is in crisis and we have some healing to do. But it’s happened before right? More than once. And we pulled together and helped each other and it got better. Right now I think we just…”

“Don’t say we have to be patient,” Dean said immediately. “I KNOW that but that isn’t going to help me. Mom and Dad are great parents and they couldn’t prevent this from happening. So I don’t have a prayer of being able to keep Finn safe.”

“Finn will be fine. Sure he’ll run into his share of bumps, Dean. But that’s not anyone’s fault; that’s just LIFE.”

They’d parked in the hospital parking garage by then and before Dean got Finn out, Roman wrapped his brother in a hug. 

“Let’s just take this one day at a time,” he said softly. 

“That’s the only way I know to take days, Rome,” Dean replied ruefully, as together they walked into the hospital.

 

____________________________________

 

\---One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small---

It was kind of like being inside a box, but senses still came as colors. Red orange fear shifted to orange yellow kind of okay but then there was a big green shadow and it smelled like pink, plus purple and purple and...a tiny bit of midnight blue. 

\---And the ones that mother gives you don’t do anything at all---

Lime green, lime green, nononono, wrong. It’s all wrong. Seth gets choices Seth gets to choose

\---Go ask Alice when she’s 10 feet tall---

Rainbow cacophony so many voices nothing makes sense SETHISABADBOY

\---When the men on the chessboard get up and tell you where to go----

Where to go? Where, where, where is he, why, colors, rainbow colors, NOTHING MAKES SENSE nothingmakessense nothingmakessense

\---And you’ve just had some kind of mushroom and your mind is moving low---

Low. Low low low low. Pain is lime green. Lime green is all over midnight blue loud loud midnight blue loud

\---Go ask Alice, I think she’ll know---

He can’t. He can’t know. Seth makes bad choices. Seth is a bad boy.

\---When logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead, and the white night is talking backwards and the red queen’s off with her head---

And then, a memory…

_Seth was 12, home now for about a month, and he was to learn to swim. It was part of his occupational therapy, but also, his mother signed him up for private lessons through the Community Center and he was promised that Roman and Dean would be there too.  
Because they had a pool as well as a lake on property, Lily was adamant that all three of her kids learn to swim well, just in case. So while Roman had, at that point, been taking lessons for about 4 years and Dean about 2, they also had to take them. They just were in different stages of the process. Seth actually really liked the pool at OT, so he found himself fairly amenable to trying it at the Center as well, so long as his family was there. Except…  
“Okay, Seth!” His instructor was Maura and she was super nice, but she also expected him to put his face in the water and no way was that gonna happen. No way.  
“Goggles? Please goggles?” Seth whispered, still not speaking too much at that point, just enough to communicate his needs.   
“No goggles, bud,” Maura explained. “Gotta learn without them first”  
“No,” he whispered, feeling panic rise. No way was he going to be put in a position where he couldn’t see.  
“Yes, because here’s why---what happens if you only know how to swim with goggles on, and then you fall in sometime with no goggles? Sometimes if that happens people don’t know what to do and then they’re in trouble. So what we’re going to do today is just play in the water and doggy-paddle a little. Once you’ve practiced that for awhile, we’ll use goggles for actually swimming strokes and stuff. Will you try for me please?”  
Seth groaned inwardly. The thing was, even though he didn’t know Maura well, he did like her. She was kind to him and up until now she’d never asked him to do anything he was truly uncomfortable with. He sighed.  
“I don’t want water in my face,” he said steadfastly, and Maura smiled.   
“I promise not to splash water in your face. Now let’s practice floating.”  
Floating was fun. Seth liked floating. Floating made him feel like nothing bogged him down. He was free.   
“Think you can float on your belly now?” Maura asked him, and he flipped over without thinking about it---and immediately his face was in the water. He sputtered and spit as Maura lifted him up. Before he could even panic though, she began to heavily praise him.  
“Look what you did! You said you couldn’t do that and you did it! Great job, Seth!”  
Seth looked over to his mother, who was sitting with her feet in the pool and giving him thumbs up.   
“You tricked me,” he said quietly to Maura.  
“No I didn’t, buddy,” she said softly. “You just flipped over so fast because you’re ready. And sometimes we don’t always realize we’re ready to do something scary. Tell you want. How about instead of floating on your tummy, you move your arms like this---” she demonstrated a pulling motion---”and see how that feels?”  
Before Seth knew it, he was doggy paddling all around the pool, even in the deep end. When it was time to go home his arms were practically numb from all that work, but he was so happy with himself that he’d been able to do something right even if it had been an accident at first. His mother wrapped him in a towel.  
“You were really doing it, bub!” Lily smiled at him. “That was awesome. You’ll be a pro before you know it.”  
Seth sighed and grinned. He could do something on his own. He wasn’t completely helpless. Maybe there was hope for him yet…_

Water---pressure---relief

\---Remember what the doormouse said---

 

___________________________________________-

 

Lily, Tony, Dean, and Roman sat together in the waiting area on Seth’s floor. Dr. Bushman was in Seth’s room observing him. He’d gone to get an extensive MRI early that morning, which had turned up no brain injuries. Tony had gone with him, but it was still a rough experience. Seth had moaned and tried to get up. He still seemingly had no idea where he was, what was happening, or who was around him. In fact, the first thing he’d done that morning was tear out his IV.

Lily had argued with a nurse for ten minutes about why it was important to them that they not put Seth in restraints, finally threating to check him out of the hospital and taking him somewhere else. The nurse listened, but the tension remained. 

Now her baby was curled up on his hospital bed moaning. The needled had been re-inserted in his arm but the bandage was heavy duty---no way was he getting out of it without someone catching him. Whenever she tried to comfort him, he just shrieked. More than once she had to step out of the room to cry in private. 

He clearly couldn’t be left alone but he also didn’t want anyone there. It was all painfully familiar. 

After about 30 minutes Dr. B came out and joined the rest of the Girardi’s at the table. Tony wearily began to stand, unwilling to let Seth cause more destruction to himself, but Dr. B rested her hand on his arm.

“He’s asleep,” she said. “I’ve ordered him Ativan round the clock for the next 24 hours. He seems to doze off and on but I don’t think he’s getting any actual rest.”

Tony nodded. 

“So...what do you think?” The question was almost reluctant.

“Guys, I’m sorry, I know you want answers, but it’s just way too soon for me to tell whether Seth is in a schizophrenic state. He hasn’t actually done anything for me to go on.”

“But he doesn’t even know who we are,” Roman protested.

“No, he doesn’t know who THEY are,” Dean’s rebuttal came sharp as he indicated towards his parents. 

“Guys,” Tony warned softly. 

“Hey, hey, listen,” Dr. B cut in. “Dean, listen, this isn’t anyone’s fault. But here’s the deal. The main reason that Seth has been so successful at overcoming his obstacles has always been the strong support network he has at home. No matter what is happening right now, and it could be almost anything, the most IMPORTANT thing is that he doesn’t lose his support.”

“So there’s just no way to know yet what’s going on?” Tony murmured.

“Not right now. He’s got to actually exhibit some behaviors for me to go, oh, it’s this or oh, it’s that. Right now it seems more like he’s just having a break from reality. It’s a defense mechanism. His conscious mind can’t handle or process everything that’s happened. His subconscious is trying to protect him. Don’t take personally anything he does or says right now, okay?”

Lily nodded absently. 

“Any idea how long it’ll take for him to come back to us? If he does?”

“No way to say for sure. I suspect it’ll be sooner rather than later but we just can’t look into the future.’

“So what do we do? To comfort him, to help him relax? What do we do when he can’t even grasp that it’s us in the room with him?” Tony seemed perplexed.

“Well...what did you do last time?” Dr. B asked. Lily and Tony looked at each other.

“We read to him,” Lily said softly. “Sometimes I sang him little silly songs. Or I’d play the radio. Back then music almost always calmed him down…”

“Then do those things now,” Dr. B replied softly. “I don’t know if it’ll work but it can’t hurt him, that’s for certain. And talk to him. Even if he’s asleep, even if he seems distressed, just talk to him in an even voice. In the beginning you had to condition him that no matter what, no matter how hard he screamed, you weren’t going to leave him. You wouldn’t touch him or hurt him or anything like that, but you weren’t leaving. And we may have to start all over again or he may snap out of it but I can say with relative certainty that he’s not going to be like this forever even if he DOES wind up with schizophrenia.”

“Dr. Bushman? Did you know...that Seth is gay?” It was a question that had been burning a hole in Lily since Saturday; how many people had known and for how long? How long had Seth avoided coming to her just because was afraid of her feelings instead of focusing on his own?

Dr. B hesitated.

“Seth began talking to me about this back in June. Right after he got back from England,” she said slowly. “At the time, he wasn’t feeling one way or the other for sure; he was just very confused. And that’s a normal thing for a lot of people, abuse or not, gay or not---many, many people question their sexuality at some point in their life. I think by about August it was pretty much cemented. And he speaks so highly now of his boyfriend.”

“All the times that Valentino was in my house, I had no idea,” Lily whispered, tears beginning to fall again. I had no idea…”

“Listen...if it’s any consolation, Seth wasn’t not telling you because he was mad or scared or anything like that. He just was waiting for a time when just the two of you could sit down and talk about it. He said you deserved to hear it from him when you could completely concentrate on what he was saying, and he also said that he deserves that too. Do you know what a breakthrough it is for a kid like Seth to be able to compartmentalize that? He’s still exploring his place in the world, and it hasn’t been easy for him but he’s come farther than I ever would have expected 5 years ago. We didn’t give up then and we’re sure not giving up now.”

“No...no, we’re definitely not,” Lily murmured, and Tony, Roman, and Dean all nodded.

 

___________________________________

 

Dean’s feelings were all swirling around inside of him and he didn’t know what to do. He texted Megan to let her know that he was taking Finn home so she wouldn’t need to watch the baby. 

He just couldn’t do it, even though he knew that Seth needed him badly. But Dr. B had said he’d probably be out for about a day, and Dean needed a break.

He felt like all of the fire had been drained out of him.

No matter what Roman said, he couldn’t shake it; he was terrified that he would never be able to keep his own son safe when the world itself contained so much evil.

Eighteenth birthday or no eighteenth birthday, he didn’t care. All he wanted was some peace of mind. All he wanted was Seth to get better. 

When he got home he got Finn out of the car and brought his baby boy inside. It was about time for a nap, and Dean thought the house felt cold, so he decided to change Finn into warm pajamas early and then snuggle with him in his mother’s favorite recliner. Ordinarily, unless Finn had an earache, Dean didn’t sleep with Finn. He wanted his son to develop healthy sleeping habits, and he had no intention of sharing his bed with a toddler or even an older child. But he was tired and stressed and he knew that this was all reflecting on to Finn, because his baby seemed stressed too. So once he was warm and snuggly in is jammies and a blanket, Dean fixed him a bottle and then they sat together in the recliner. Dean rocked Finn as he ate, and sure enough, the little one was sound asleep before much longer. 

As Dean stared down into his beautiful boy’s face, he felt tears well up in his eyes, but he refused to cry anymore. So instead he rocked his boy and closed his eyes and thought.

Finn had turned four months old the day before. He was still a teensy guy but growing more each day. He hated laying on his back but loved tummy time, so he’d recently figured out how to roll from back to belly. Once on his belly he was content to look around and coo, always wide-eyed and wonderous. He smiled all the time but had yet to giggle or laugh. He loved to watch the animals roam around.

He slept through the night most of the time, and he was about to start eating cereal. He got very excited when Seth was around, but there was no shortage of love and attention for this baby. And his daddy was still his very favorite.

It took Dean a second to realize that the tears were falling against his will. 

Was this was parenting was? Constant worry, constant fear? But so much love and happiness and wonder and amazement all mixed in with it? Had this always been how his parents felt too? Because of him? And because of his brothers? 

From the time he’d been invited into the open arms of Lily and Tony Girardi, Dean had never felt more loved. He’d never even known love before then. But as he stared down at his child, the child he helped create, the child that he was going to raise, he realized a few things. 

First of all, he couldn’t fathom the pain his parents must be feeling right now, and he’d been pretty unfair back at the hospital. So maybe his mother had made some mistakes but she loved them and Dean himself was far from perfect.

Second, no matter what, he would see to it that Seth would be okay.

But third, and perhaps the most profound---how was Jessie feeling right then? With a pang, he remembered that she’d asked to see Finn one last time before she left for Florida, and he had told her no. She hadn’t wanted to keep him. Just see him. And Dean had sent her away. Was that right? He was beginning to wonder. He considered how he’d have felt if the tables have been turned, how devastated he would have been if she had stayed and they hadn’t worked out and somehow he’d lost his son. Even just seeing him on the weekends would never have been enough. 

And that’s when Dean decided something.

He’d intended to take Christmas/4 month photos of Finn later that week. And it was high time he send a few out to Florida. Because no matter how hurt Dean was, how hurt he always would be, Jessie was still Finn’s mother. And maybe she deserved to at least know that he was happy and healthy and loved and safe. He wished he could give his own mother that peace of mind right then. He wished that...more than anything.


	125. We Got This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soundtrack of Seth's psychosis brought to you this evening by Panic! At the Disco
> 
> The song is called The Emperor's New Clothes.

Seth wasn’t much better when he woke up the next day; he laid in his hospital bed, wide-eyed but still unseeing at first. Tony knelt down in front of him so they were at eye-level.

“Hiya, buddy,” he said quietly to his son. “You’ve been asleep for about the last day. Can you tell me how you’re feeling?”

Seth just blinked.

An hour or so later, the youngest Girardi began to try to get out of bed. He whined and moaned and writhed and attempted to drop his legs over the side but he didn’t seem to have a lot of control over them. 

“Hang on, bud,” Tony tried to console him but Seth just kept trying to get up. He never touched his IV, but Tony could tell that it was pulling against his arm. The monitor that had been patrolling Seth’s vitals began to beep.

“Buddy, hold still. I need you to use words and tell me what you need. You can have anything you want, buddy, but you have to tell me---”

Seth began to whimper, which escalated to soft squeals as he continued to struggle, rapidly shaking his head. A nurse came in and then another and then his bed was surrounded and he started to scream.

“Listen to me,” Tony’s voice rose, trying to compete with Seth’s shrieks of---well, to be honest, he couldn’t exactly tell if this was fear or frustration or what it was, but what Tony knew for sure was that this wasn’t going to help. 

“We need to sedate him,” one of the nurses told Tony, who shook his head.

“No---please. He’s trying---he needs something. He’s trying to communicate what he needs, just...just give him a minute.”

“He’s in distress and he’s disrupting other patients. Mr. Girardi, I’m sorry, but we’ve got to calm him---”

At that moment, the sour, bitter smell of urine met their noses and Tony looked down at Seth, who was now lying in a puddle. The screaming stopped and Seth curled up in his own pee and began to cry.

“Buddy---buddy, it’s okay,” Tony murmured, reaching out for his shivering kid, who whimpered again at his touch but didn’t scream OR try to pull away. “Accidents happen, Seth, and you tried; I know you did.”

Tony turned to the nurse who seemed to be in charge. 

“No sedatives yet. He was trying to get there. Just...get me some stuff to clean him up and move out of here,” he said quietly.

“Mr. Girardi, look,” came the nurse’s rebuttal. “Seth isn’t...none of his injuries really warrant a hospital stay anymore; his shoulder will heal. I don’t know how much longer we can use hospital resources when what it really seems he needs is a psychiatric facility.”

Tony’s blood ran cold.

“Luckily,” he said, tone icy, “that isn’t up to you. Dr. Bushman has been Seth’s psychiatrist for five years and Seth will be moved if and only if SHE sees fit. Now please, I need to take care of this. I won’t let you degrade him. Please just get me some towels and fresh sheets and I’ll deal with it myself. Since your resources are so goddamn limited.”

Seth cried the entire time Tony washed him up and got him into some loose shorts, despite Tony’s best efforts to soothe him.

“I promise it’s okay, buddy,” he murmured. “It’s fine, it happens, honest. I know you tried. I’m proud of you. Gotta be a good sign, right? I love you, Seth. It’s okay.”

Seth stopped crying after awhile and seemed to be succumbing to exhaustion, but right before he closed his eyes, Tony, who was holding his son’s hand, swore he saw a flash of recognition before he drifted off to sleep.

He couldn’t help feeling excited, and he told Lily the whole thing when she came up with lunch later that morning. She’d spent the night at the hospital and then gone home for a shower and a nap. 

“You’re right, it’s not up to that nurse,” Lily said slowly, “but they won’t keep him here forever either, T. He was malnourished before and that’s why they kept him in pediatrics instead of pysch. But now...we probably need to talk to Dr. B.”

“She’s coming out here this afternoon to re-assess him,” Tony replied. “We can ask her then. But Lu, he’s...this is progress right? This has got to be progress?”

Tony knew he sounded overly hopeful, and he could tell by Lily’s expression that she wasn’t feeling quite the same but she nodded with a sigh.

“It’s definitely not a setback,” she finally agreed. Then she sighed again and softly ran her hand down Seth’s back.

“What’re we gonna do with you, bub?” Lily asked him softly. “Just...what are we gonna do?”

A couple of hours later, Seth began to fidget in his sleep, moaning softly and trembling. His parents tried to soothe him, but his agitation grew and grew until suddenly his eyes flew open and he screamed.

 

_____________________________

 

\---”I’m taking back the crown”---

RUNRUNRUNRUN

\---”I’m all dressed up and naked”---

Shadows closing in they’ll catch you they’ll catch you and then

\---”I see what’s mine and take it”---

Red orange yellow green blue purple red orange yellow green blue purple

\---”Finders keepers, losers weepers”---

Please

\---”So close I can taste it”---

Whereamiwhereami

\---”welcome to the end of eras”---

SethSethSethSeth c’mon, Seth, c’mon

\---”Ice has melted back to life”---

MAMA! Pleasepleasepleaseplease Seth makes bad choices

\---”Done my time and served my sentence”---

You are a bad boy! This is for your own good!

\---”Dress me up and watch me die”---

Why? Why? Why? 

\---”If it feels good, tastes good, it must be mine”---

Angry slashes, oohhhhhh, no, no, hurt, it’s hurting, it hurts, please, please, I’ll be good, Seth is a good boy, Seth will be good please please please

\---”Dynasty decapitated”---

MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA I’m sorry I’m sorry i’msosorry

\---”You just might see a ghost tonight”---

I’ll be the boy you want

\---”And if you don’t know, now you know”---

Just don’t let him hurt me.

\---”Finders keepers, losers weepers”---

Just love me again

\---”Finders keepers, losers weepers”---

________________________________________

 

Lily slowly approached Seth, not sure why he was screaming but pretty damn sure she needed to get him to stop before Nursezilla came back. 

“Seth,” she said softly but firmly, reaching out to touch him. He wailed and arched away. 

“C’mon, Seth William,” her voice was still even but a little bit louder. Seth still sobbed and shrieked and tried to get away.

But something inside Lily clicked then; she remembered way back, almost five and a half years ago, to another time when her child was screaming from fear and pain and confusion, without the faintest idea of what might happen to him next. And she remembered what she did that day, and she realized that maybe the best thing to do right then was...start from scratch.

So she reached out to him and began to stroke his hair.

“I know,” she murmured. “I know. I think you’re in there, Sethie. I think you’re in there and you’re struggling, and I’m going to help you fix this, all of this, I promise. I promise, my baby boy. We can do this together. But it doesn’t have to be right now. Right now I just need you to breathe.”

The moment Lily’s fingers found the boy’s hair, he stopped fighting. He still screeched and hot tears poured down his face, eyes wide, filled with terror. But he stopped fighting.

“I love you,” she murmured. “I know it’s been hard. I know you’re so scared, bub. I know. But you’re safe now. This is fucking scary. Someone hurt my baby. I know. But you’re safe now and no one is going to hurt you again. I need you to breathe, Seth William. That’s it. You’re such a good boy. Just breathe.”

Tony chimed in.

“Good job, buddy,” he said, not crowding but just sitting in a chair beside Seth. “That’s good. We’ve gotta calm down. Just like that.”

Seth continued to sob and the anguish radiating off him made Lily’s eyes fill with tears as well. However, the screaming stopped. So she sat on the edge of Seth’s bed and when he didn’t shrink away, she moved just a little closer.

“Good boy, bub,” she crooned. “Good, good, sweet boy. We can do this, Seth. We’ve done this before. We can do this again. Mama’s here. Daddy’s here. Mama and Daddy are going to keep you safe.”

And then Lily slowly lifted Seth into her arms.

He was way too big now for her to scoop him up onto her lap like she’d done when he was an undernourished, tiny 12-year-old. He was longer now, packing a little bit of muscle, but he was just the right size for her to cradle his upper body against her and rock him gently. She softly began to wipe his tears away with her thumb. 

“It’s okay, bud,” Tony got up and poured some water into a cup and offered it to Seth. He drank a few sips and then he laid his head against his mother’s shoulder.

“That’s right,” Lily whispered. “Seth William, I love you so much and I’m so sorry I haven’t been there for you but baby boy, I’m here now. I’m here now and I’ve got you and you’re safe. Daddy and I are going to keep you safe.”

Seth never spoke a single word, but by the time Dr. Bushman arrived early that afternoon, he was sound asleep in his mother’s arms, wrapped in a blanket. Dr. B’s face just lit up. 

“This is good. This is better,” she said, taking Seth in. 

“I---I hope,” Lily murmured. “I sure hope. I don’t know what upset him.”

“He might not know,” Dr. B replied. “But look at this. Yesterday he didn’t want anyone near him and today he’s letting himself be held. That could very well be a sign that his subconscious has started to relax. This could be a wonderful thing.”

“We’ll take it,” Tony said with a soft smile. Lily looked down at her son’s sleeping face. She’d stay like that for as long as it took.

 

___________________________________

 

Roman had just arrived at the hospital when a nurse came in, followed by a police officer. They addressed his mother and father.

“Agent Girardi, Dr. Girardi,, we’ve got some information on your son’s case. A witness came forward. One of the men who attacked the boys came forward and turned himself in.”

Roman felt himself stiffen, and his parents exchanged a look. Lily was still holding Seth in her arms and he was still sound asleep. Dean was at home with Finn, though he planned on coming up to the hospital that night. Roman hoped his parents would go home and get some rest while he and his brothers hung out, even if Seth wasn’t aware that they were hanging out.

As encouraging as it was that Seth apparently no longer feared their mother, it still bothered Roman to no end that he wasn’t really all that responsive. It scared him.   
So when the officer arrived, Tony and Lily agreed that Tony and Roman would go talk with the police while Lily stayed with Seth. She just didn’t want him to be by himself.   
What Roman hadn’t considered was that Valentino’s parents would be there too. He realized then that it was probably good that Lily had stayed with Seth; he knew that the meeting between his mother and Araceli Dawson hadn’t gone well.

If he’d been thinking things through, Roman might have been able to piece together in his head that this would not be an easy conversation to have. But he just wasn’t prepared for what the officers told them.

“Sam Osborn, age 24, came forward this morning and turned himself in for his part of the assault on Seth Girardi and Valentino Dawson,” Officer Danforth began. “The suspect has given up the names of the other 5 men involved in the attack and has given his full cooperation in exchange for a lesser sentence.”

Roman’s heart sank; 6 attackers?

“I cannot yet release the names of the other 5 suspects,” Officer Danforth continued. “But according to Mr. Osborn, the group attended the civil rights rally at the Helbert building but left early. He claims he doesn’t know if they went there looking for trouble or if it was a random act but as of right now this case is being treated as a hate crime. When they saw Seth and Valentino walking up the street, they formulated the plan to separate and then rape them. They incapacitated Valentino first, knocking him to the ground in a manner that caused him to hit his head on the curb.”

Valentino’s mother gasped audibly, then demanded,

“But his ribs? How his ribs get broken?”

“According to Mr. Osborn, he and another member of the group began kicking Valentino in the chest and abdomen area while the other four suspects pulled Seth back towards the alley.”

“I kill him. I KILL HIM, I kill him, I kill him!” Araceli shrieked. Her husband, Ezekiel, rested his hand firmly on her shoulder but in truth, she wasn’t saying anything that Roman didn’t feel. 

“The intent,” Officer Danforth said, “was to neutralize Valentino and then pull him back out of view along with Seth. The suspects had pulled Seth’s pants down and were groping him and threatening him with a knife. But Mr. Osborn claims that when Seth looked up and saw him and the other suspect beating Valentino, he caught the suspects off guard when he screamed and lunged for the weapon. He fell to the ground and brandished it, he continued to scream to scream and then he crawled to Valentino and waited by him until all of the suspects took off. Then he found his phone and called 911.”

“Seth...defended himself,” Tony murmured softly.

“He save my baby,” Araceli was sobbing now. “Your boy, he save my baby, he save our Vali, oh that sweet, wonderful young man.”

Tony continued to shake his head.

“So he was sexually assaulted but not raped. That’s what the ER suspected as well.” 

“Yes sir. Now I understand of course that neither of the boys is able to tell what happened, and so until they can corroborate Mr. Osborn’s story, we have to take it with a grain of salt but thus far, the evidence does appear to back him up.”

Tony and the Dawson’s thanked Officer Danforth for his time, and the officer promised to keep in touch. Then he turned and left the room.

“Mr. Girardi,” Araceli turned to Tony tearfully, “I know your wife and me, we don’t make friends the other day, but please can I see Seth? We need to thank him.”

Ezekiel spoke up.

“Araceli, maybe it should wait until Seth’s doing a little better…”

“No, no, I want to tell him now,” she argued and Tony smiled softly.

“Actually Seth is doing a little better,” he said. “How’s Valentino?

“He’s still very out of it,” Ezekiel replied. “Head hurts him a lot. He took a pretty heavy blow; had to get staples and has a concussion. Sleeps mostly. And just begs for Seth when he’s awake.”

“Seth is struggling,” Tony revealed. “Right now it seems like the trauma from all of this was just too much for him. He doesn’t speak much. He just...sort of seems to be in shock still.”

“They be okay,” Araceli said resolutely, and then she turned to Roman and smiled.

“You Seth’s big brother?”

Roman was taken aback; after the argument between the mothers, he didn’t exactly expect to be addressed at all, much less kindly.

“Yes, ma’am,” he murmured. “I’m Roman; I’m the oldest.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Araceli repeated approvingly. “Your Mama teach you manners. That’s a good thing. My Valentino, he never got no brothers or sisters but he says you love Seth and you...give them...what’s English word, eh? Apoyo? Support?”

“Oh, yeah,” Roman perked right up. “I was the first person he told and yeah. Yes, we all support Seth. In everything, not just this. And Valentino has been good for him. He makes Seth happy.”

“Seth, he make Vali happy too,” Araceli smiled. Roman couldn’t help but smile back.

They arrived at Seth’s room and Roman was happy to note that his brother’s eyes were open. Lily was still in his bed with her arm around him, but now a movie was playing. Lily appeared to be watching Seth’s eyes to see if he was following what was on the screen. And Seth appeared to be paying attention. 

“Lu, we’ve got a hero on our hands,” Tony greeted his wife, smiling at her.

“What?” Lily asked, confused.

“He save my baby,” Araceli cut in. “He save Valentino. I want...I want to thank him. That okay with you?”

There was no malice, only genuinity in Araceli’s voice. Lily looked guarded but she nodded slowly. Araceli pulled up a chair.

“Seth?” Valentino’s mother murmured quietly, reaching for his hand.

“I talk to the police, Seth. They tell me and Zeke you protect our boy. I don’t know how I thank you, mi chico, but I thank you. You gonna be okay. Valentino, he misses you.”

At the sound of Valentino’s name, Seth whimpered. Lily immediately soothed him.

“Do you miss Valentino?” Lily asked. Seth whimpered again.

“Soon, mi chico, soon,” Araceli said gently. “You need to rest with your mama right now, Seth. You rest with your mama and feel better and you see Vali soon okay?”

Seth’s eyes flashed. He still didn’t speak---but he did wriggle closer to Lily so he could lay his head on her.

“So you took care of Valentino, bub?” Lily murmured. “That makes me so proud of you. So strong. Mrs. Dawson is right; we’re going to keep resting and then we’ll let you see Valentino.”

“You call me Araceli,” Valentino’s mother looked into Lily’s eyes. Roman watched them soften a little.

“Okay. Araceli. I can do that,” Lily replied.

“We’ve got to get back to Valentino, Seth,” Ezekiel Dawson addressed Roman’s brother. “But from the bottom of my heart, thank you.”

Seth heaved a huge sigh and relaxed into their mom.

“Okay. He needs his rest,” Tony stepped up. “C’mon. I’ll walk you back to Valentino’s room.”

As his father left, Roman looked over at his youngest brother, then at his mom.

“He really does seem better today,” he observed.

“Yeah. Yeah, Dr. B was happy. He’s been trying to communicate and he’s way more open to touch today. Plus, look at him now.”

Seth, indeed, was almost melted against their mother, more content than Roman had seen him in weeks. He moved around the bed so that he could look into Seth’s eyes.

“Listen to me, little bro,” he said. “We got this.”


	126. Please Come Back to Me

\---”Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup”---

Seth felt confused.

\---”They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe”---

He was warm. Nothing hurt. There was no fear, no sadness. Nothing anymore. Why? What had happened? Was he dead? But no, he couldn’t be, because there was music in his head and something...something...

\---”Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind”---

He could almost hear too. Nothing was in color now. Low voices, soothing voices, swirled around him. He struggled to understand.

\---Possessing and caressing me”---

Mom?

\---”Jai guru deva omm”---

NO! A voice inside him exploded. No, no, she’s gone, you’re bad. You made her go away.

\---”Nothing’s gonna change my world”---

But Seth felt himself battle back. His mama was there, she was nearby, he just knew…

\---”Nothing’s gonna change my world”---

And why would she waste her time with you?

\---”Nothing’s gonna change my world”---

Dunno. Dunno but she’s here. I KNOW IT.

\---”Nothing’s gonna change my world”---

Nope. You’re dumb. You like boys. You’re a disgrace.

\---”Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes”---

I’m not a disgrace! Daddy promised. He promised me that Mama wouldn’t care.

\---”They call me on and on across the universe”---

He lied.

\---”Sounds of laughter, shades of life are ringing through my open ears”---

He wouldn’t!

\---”Inciting and inviting me”---

They all do. 

\---”Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns”---

NO! No, I’m not listening anymore. Mama? Daddy? I want to come back.

\---”It calls me on and on across the universe”---

They don’t want you back.

\---”Jai guru deva om”---

Yes. Yes. They’re waiting for me, I’m going back.

\---”Nothing’s gonna change my world”---

Nope. They’ll hate you now. Your mother’s so disappointed in you. Your dad and your brothers say it’s okay because what else are they supposed to do? But on the inside…

\---”Nothing’s gonna change my world”---

You’re lying. I don’t want to stay here! I want to go back!

\---”Nothing’s gonna change my world”---

You don’t get to decide.

\---”Nothing’s gonna change my world”---

Seth shook his head. No. Seth has choices.

\---”Jai guru deva”---

Seth gets to make a choice.

\---”Jai guru deva”---

Seth has choices.

\---”Jai guru deva”---

Seth wants out.

\---”Jai guru deva”---

 

______________________________________

 

The next morning, Seth was restless. He whimpered and moaned and tried to move around his bed. She couldn’t tell if he was afraid or uncomfortable or what the deal was, though she did figure this could be a positive sign. He’d been like this now for four days, but he was definitely moving around more. He just didn’t have the words.   
The only thing she could think of to do for her baby was talk to him, so that's what Lily did. She murmured her love into his ear. 

"It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay, bub. Please come back to me, baby."

No one knew how long this near-catatonic state he was in was going to last, or how much he would remember once he was out of it. Lily knew, consciously, that he'd be okay; stuff like this didn't typically last but as she looked at her baby, heavy from the mild sedative he'd needed, eyes open but hazy, unseeing, unable or unwilling to speak---it looked like he'd given up.

It was her fault.

WHY hadn't she taken more time to listen to him?

Early in the morning, when they were alone and Seth appeared to sleep, she allowed herself to cry. 

So much time trying to reconnect with Natalie and Audrey. So much time spent worrying about Dean and how young he was to be a father, how much support he would need---and Lily had neglected to remember that her other two sons were also very young, and that they needed her too.

"I'm so sorry, Seth," she sobbed into his hair. "I'm so very sorry. Never ever doubt that I love you, my beautiful boy. I love you."

Before long Tony showed up with a stack of family photos because, as he put it, "I didn't have a better idea and what could it hurt?"

Oh, it could hurt, Lily thought to herself. Probably won't hurt Seth, but it's agonizing for me.

They looked through them anyway. Lily lay with her arms around Seth. Tony lay with his arms around them both. 

Seth's eyes were open, but it didn't seem as though he was seeing the photos in front of them as Tony slowly went through each one: the three boys at the beach. Seth curled up on the couch, just his face and Wyatt's nose peeking out from under his blanket. Roman and Seth in the golf cart while Roman taught Seth to drive. So many photos, each a moment in time that immortalized the family history, but then one in particular caused the tiniest reaction.

On the plane to Costa Rica, Seth sound asleep on Lily's shoulder, her lips gently pressed to the top of his head. Her hand was resting in his hair and her eyes were closed too. She remembered that photo; how much she loved him, and her eyes began to water again, but Seth, her sweet Seth. Seth stiffened, then a soft moan escaped.

"C'mon, bub," Lily heard Tony say softly. "C'mon, buddy. Look at this. Look at you and your Mama. See? We love you, buddy. C'mon. Come back to us."

Nothing more, but Tony was clearly undeterred. Lily just buried her nose into Seth’s hair as Tony next showed him a photo taken the day Finn came home from the hospital. The tiny newborn was swaddled up tight and snuggled in Dean’s strong arm, and both were fast asleep. Seth jerked again, but made no sound. Tony looked at Lily. She nodded. This, it seemed, was getting somewhere.

“Finn misses you,” Lily murmured quietly. “He’s ready to see you soon. I know you’re in there, Seth William. Please come back to me.”

“Look,” Tony soothed, offering Seth yet another picture, him on stage performing Iago. The boy sighed softly. So Tony next set in front of him a picture of him with Valentino, arms linked, still in costume after the final performance of Othello. Seth tensed again and Lily noticed a single tear slide down his cheek.

“Valentino’s gonna be okay,” Tony told him. “His dad says he asks about you. I know it’s hard, buddy, my son, but you’ve gotta come back to us. So many people need you.”

Lily could feel Seth’s heart beating a little faster and she was beginning to wonder if maybe they weren’t pushing a little too much, when Tony placed one more photo in front of their son’s face. 

One of the Girardi cousins had taken it in Brooklyn on Thanksgiving Day. All six of the immediate Girardi’s smiled back at them from the photo. Even baby Finn had a massive, toothless grin on his face, but all of them looked so happy. They looked so...well...like themselves.

Seth let out another moan, shook his head, and then a whimper, and then a shudder, and then...and then.

"D-Daddy?"

Tony practically leaped out of bed and Lily squeezed Seth tighter. His father crouched down and then his eyes met Lily's. He smiled.

"Hi, buddy. Mama and I are right here."

"M-Mama?"

"I'm here, bub," she whispered. Seth began to struggle and Lily began to let go, but Tony softly murmured,

"Hey. Hey. It's okay," and then he helped Seth turn over, and the second he laid eyes on his mother, he relaxed...and then he began to cry.

Lily tightened her arms around him.

“Shhh, baby. It’s okay,” Lily murmured as Tony leaned forward to embrace them together.

"Mamaaaaa," Seth moaned.

"Oh...oh, bub. Oh Seth...Seth, I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I'm so so very very sorry. I love you so much."

"M-Mama, I'm s-sorry t-t-too---" her baby tried to speak, but she quickly shushed him.

"Shhh, no. No, Seth William. No. You haven't done anything wrong."

"B-but I'm g-gay," he moaned into her.

"I know. I know. Oh, bub. I know. And you've been trying to tell me for so long. And I haven't been listening. I haven't been hearing how badly you need me, my beautiful boy, but I promise you, from now on, I'm going to hear every single word. I love you, Seth. I love you. I know this isn't how you wanted me to find out, but baby boy, it doesn't matter. I don't care. Daddy and I love you no matter what and there's nothing wrong with you and...oh Seth. Oh bub. I love you so much. I love you...baby...oh bub..."

She knew she was rambling and Seth was still crying but so was she, and even Tony had tears streaming down his face, and right then, none of that made any difference. She may have to spend the rest of her life making this up to him, but she had her bub. She had her baby bub back. And if all she got for the rest of her life was this past few minutes, she’d cherish it. However, in the next moment, she began to realize that he really seemed to be coming out of it.

“I wanna go home,” Seth whispered.

His voice was almost inaudible, so soft and shaky, and he was still sandwiched between his parents, though his tears had dried. 

Tony smiled at him.

“We’ll work on it, Seth. We’ll work on it. Dr. B will be by later no and we’ll talk to her about that, okay?”

Seth didn’t answer verbally but he relaxed against Lily and sighed again. This sigh, though, was long, calm...and content.

 

__________________________________

 

Dean’s kneejerk reaction to the news of how Seth and Valentino had been assaulted was to devolve into outright fury---at Valentino. 

That may have been unfair but ambivalence won out at that point.

If Seth had never gone with Valentino…

It made Dean’s heart pound, his face flush, and his muscles clench from anger. But he refused to let it get to him right now; he’d deal with Valentino later. Today, right now, he was going to have fun.

Because it was his son’s first Christmas soon enough, and today Dean was intent on taking Finn’s Christmas pictures.

He wasn’t entirely sure what he was going to do with them yet, because his mother always sent out a family card that this year would certainly include his son, and he had no real desire to make Christmas cards of his own, but the very first Christmas was incredibly important. Especially to Dean, who loved Christmas more than was probably normal for a guy his age.

So he made a list and he checked it twice and then he took Finn shopping. He found all kinds of fun props and a couple of outfits, and by the time they got home, Dean put Finn down for a nap so he’d be extra ready and happy when the time came.

Meanwhile, Dean got out his trusty beanbag and a few different colored blankets, and set to work opening packages and sorting things out. By the time Finn woke up and had an afternoon bottle, the living room had been transformed to a Christmas wonderland.

The tree had been up since they got back from New York from Thanksgiving, and Finn was completely fascinated by it. But of course he was; it had lights and bright colors and sparkling tinsel and all kinds of wonderful hanging ornaments that would be great fun to try to stuff in his mouth, if only someone would bring him close enough to it. 

He was about to get his wish.

First, Dean stripped Finn down to his diaper. Then he pulled out a box that he’d wrapped in red paper with a silver ribbon. He laid the box under the tree, and then laid Finn on his tummy inside the box, so that only his upper body was sticking out. Finn adored tummy time and he was pretty jazzed after a good rest, so getting him to smile was simple. 

The next few poses required not only tummy time but also Finn’s other favorite thing, which was being naked. Dean wasn’t sure if it was the soft feel of a blanket against his bare legs or the coolness of air on his booty, but this boy sure did love it when he had no clothes on. It made bath time a breeze. 

Dean wrapped him up in multicolored cool bright lights but every time he tried to plug them in, Finn aimed to stick one in his mouth. He hadn’t counted on this and for a moment he considered forgetting all about it, until he caught sight of the box. The lights were made for outdoor use and could withstand water from the elements. Still...he didn’t want his baby sucking on them. Then a box of candy canes caught his eye.

“Ooooh, look, buddy!” Dean exclaimed, gently tapping the floor in front of his son, who immediately pushed up on his hands as he gazed curiously at the red and white striped candy. 

“Finny. Who’s your daddy?”

Finn lit up even brighter than the lights.

An hour and close to 200 photos later, Finn was clearly over it, but Dean had one more thing he wanted desperately. He’d found a giant Christmas stocking and he thought it would be hilarious to have Finn sticking out of it. Unfortunately every time he tried to set his baby boy down in the bean bag, Finn would immediately screw up his face and start shrieking. After about the fourth attempt, Dean was ready to give up. He scooped Finn into his arms.

“Okay. It’s okay. We can be done. Or we can try again later, that’s fine, just don’t be pissed. I’m right here. Yeah. Tell Daddy. Tell me what’s got you mad.”

Finn growled, a sound that made Dean crack up every time. His little man gave him a slightly bewildered look, as though he couldn’t decide if his father’s laughter was an insult, but he ultimately must have decided that it was a positive thing because after a moment, he smiled brightly.

“How come you couldn’t do that when you were in the sock? Huh?”

Dean sat back on the floor against the couch, and he seated Finn facing him.

“What do you think, huh, buddy? What did you ask Santa for? A teething toy? A stuffie? How about a bike?”

Finn blew bubbles at Dean, which made Dean laugh again. 

“You’re a ham and a half, bud. Don’t worry about the stocking. I still love ya,” and then he lifted Finn to his shoulder. The baby immediately cozied up against him and sighed deeply.

“That’s right, buddy. Always gonna love ya. Even on those times when we want different things. You’re still gonna be my boy, okay? Don’t you ever forget that. I’m gonna spend your whole life making sure you know.”

Finn cooed softly, his body growing more and more limp as he slowly fell asleep. And once he was out cold, Dean gently slipped the stocking back on him and laid him in the bean bag. So what if he was 4 months old? One more sleeping pic would hurt nothing.


	127. Have I Ever Told You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't you hate it when you sit there for a week with almost nothing and suddenly the muses are your friends again in a day and a half you write 10 pages? 
> 
> The next chapter should be a lot quicker, mainly because part of it's already written because someone gifted me a section, but I'll get into all of that later!

Lily went home that night exhausted to her very core. Roman had volunteered to spend the night with Seth so that both parents could go home and sleep, and she’d taken him up on it until she remembered that he had a final the next morning. 

“No, Ro, listen. Dad will stay. You need to come home, study, get a decent meal and a good night’s sleep. And spend some time just relaxing with Dean.”

Ultimately Roman agreed which was good, because she wouldn’t have been able to carry him out.

After Seth woke up that morning, REALLY woke up, the rest of the day had been decent. 

He napped a lot. When he was awake he seemed almost obsessed with looking through the pictures Tony brought. His demeanor seemed...hazy. Lily wasn’t entirely sure that was the correct word but it was the best she could think of to describe him. He spoke slowly, moved slowly. He could stand but he needed assistance to walk. He just seemed drowsy all the time, which she supposed wasn’t the worst thing ever.

Seth really didn’t speak unless someone asked him a question, but he was completely coherent. It wasn’t hard to understand him at all, and he seemed to not have any comprehension problems. 

“Do you want to try and eat something, bub?” Tony had asked him.

Seth’s eyes were just slightly unfocused, but he managed to nod and mumble,

“Can I have some macaroni and cheese?”

“You sure you don’t want to start with something a little lighter? A scrambled egg or some yogurt?”

“Macaroni and cheese. And coffee.”

The nurse (not the awful one, the good one) had nixed the coffee, much to Lily’s relief, but within 15 minutes a small bowl of macaroni and cheese, a cup of lukewarm tea, and a cup of cool water showed up. Seth only managed a few bites, but the nurse, Tracy, seemed encouraged anyway.

It wasn’t until Lily started getting ready to leave that her baby began to seem anxious. He shifted in his bed and groaned, then began to mumble.

“What’s wrong, bub?” Lily asked him softly, perching herself on the edge of his bed.

He just shook his head.

“No,” Tony sat down on Seth’s other side. “C’mon, buddy, you’ve done great all day. Use words. It’s okay. Is something hurting?”

Seth shook his head again, but then he whispered,

“Mama, don’t go.”

“Oh, bub,” she murmured. Her eyes met Tony’s. It wouldn’t hurt anything for her to stay but she was so tired and she desperately wanted a shower and a warm bed. Her fingers found Seth’s hair. Then she pulled him against her. He rested his head on her belly. 

“Listen,” she said quietly. “Seth, you’re gonna get some medicine in a little bit to help you sleep, and Daddy’s going to stay with you. No one’s going to leave you alone. I need a shower, bub. And Roman needs some rest too. I’ll stay here with you if you really need me. But you’re going to be asleep the whole time and once you’ve gotten a good night’s sleep, I’ll talk to the nurse about taking you in to see Valentino in the morning if you feel up to it.”

“Vali?” It was the first time all day that Seth had really asked about his boyfriend. His...boyfriend. Man, that felt odd.

“Do you want to see him, Seth?” Lily murmured. Tears filled Seth’s eyes and began to leak slowly down his cheeks.

“I...want to see him,” he mumbled, snuggling closer to her. “I want to see Vali.”

“So then you get a good night’s sleep, bub. I’ll stay until you’re sleeping and if you wake up and you need me, Daddy will call me. And then tomorrow, we’ll figure out how we’re going to get you and Valentino together. Okay?”

Seth nodded. Then he mumbled,

“Can I see Finn?”

Lily paused; they hadn’t really talked much to Dean today. He’d been up for a bit that morning but then he’d gone home for the day early. In fact, Lily was a bit concerned, and she intended to talk to him that evening. She had no reason to assume Dean wouldn’t want Finn to see Seth, but Lily still had a feeling there’d be some hesitation on his part.

“I’ll talk to your brother,” she said softly. “Bringing a baby to the hospital isn’t always the best idea, but we’ll see. Okay?”

Seth nodded, and Lily and Tony helped him get settled on his side, head on his pillow. Tracy came in and administered Seth’s evening meds into his IV, and as Lily rubbed his back, it didn’t take her baby long to fall asleep.

When Lily and Roman left, she looked over at her oldest. Exhaustion was etched into his face as well. She hadn’t done a very good job of connecting with him or Dean this week; she knew this. It wasn’t as though they hadn’t had kids in the hospital before, obviously, but this was kind of different. This hadn’t been an accident. Lily knew that for as great a day Seth had, there were no guarantees that he’d continue to improve or that his improvement would be steady. 

It had taken its toll on all five of them.

“Hey---you hungry?” Lily asked her son softly. He’d been staring out the window and at the sound of her voice he startled just a little before looking over at her.

“I could eat,” he said. 

“Is there anything in particular that sounds good?” 

“Sushi but...I can’t eat that without Seth,” Roman replied. 

“Well, at this rate he’ll be asking for that tomorrow,” Lily said with a laugh. “Mac and cheese and coffee for lunch? Really?”

Roman smiled.

“Yeah, and he wanted Mexican food for dinner,” he mused.

“Yeah, and I think he was a little bummed when we told him not yet and then Tracy presented him with a can of Ensure and some Jello.”

Both Roman and Lily were giggling now, the slightly confused look on Seth’s face still etched in both their brains. Then Roman turned to Lily.

“He’s gonna be okay---right?”

“You know, Ro...honestly, up until this morning I wasn’t sure but now...now I think he’s definitely going to be okay. I’m glad that he’s asking for Valentino and Finn and he seemed pretty content all day. He’s still so woozy, but I’ll take it. For now I’ll take it. Sayuri’s is still open for a couple of hours yet; call Dean and ask if he wants to join us.”

Dean had just put Finn down to bed, so Lily ordered their sushi to go and she ordered teriyaki chicken as well, and before long she and Roman were home.

“I’m just SO MAD,” Dean confessed at dinner as they sat around the kitchen table. He’d been picking at this meal with his fork, although Roman practically inhaled his sushi rolls. 

“Oh, sweetie,” Lily said. “I know. I’m mad too; I’m furious.”

“So am I,” Roman offered, setting down his chopsticks. “Because dammit, we’re supposed to protect him. We’re his big brothers. We’re supposed to look after him.”

“But how can we look after him if we don’t even know where he is?” Dean lamented. “Can we install GPS on him somewhere?”

“Guys, he’s not a dog,” Lily was smiling though. “I get that you’re both angry; how could you not be? The baby of our family was attacked. And it’s 100 times worse for Seth because of everything else he’s been through. I wish I could find the people who did this and just tear them to shreds but then...I don’t know. I want to be able to rationally say that I know that won’t help Seth any. I just…”

Lily trailed off, thinking.

“This is all Valentino’s fault anyway,” Dean blurted out suddenly. Lily raised an eyebrow.

“How is this Valentino’s fault?”

“We told Valentino he’d better take care of Seth or else,” Dean muttered. “He didn’t hurt Seth but if it hadn’t been for him Seth never would’ve GOT hurt…”

“Wait a minute, wait a minute,” Lily said. “You two threatened Valentino?”

“No---we were just kidding,” Roman said.

“I wasn’t,” Dean said.

“Dean,” Roman elbowed his brother.

“I’m serious!” Dean’s anger surged out. “He took Seth someplace that wasn’t safe. And look what happened! And anyway, if Seth would’ve just TOLD us where he was going, I could’ve gone with them and I could’ve...I could’ve stopped...but I didn’t...”

Lily realized then that Dean may be angry with Valentino, but he was far more furious with himself.

“Oh, Dean,” Lily rounded the table so she could wrap her arm around him, but he just stiffened.

“Hey---it’s okay---Dean. Take a deep breath. My goodness, you’ve been holding this in. Look at me.”

Dean slowly turned his face so that he could make eye contact with his mother.

“I know,” she murmured slowly, “that you guys---both of you---feel very protective of Seth. And I understand, because I feel the same way about all of you. But Seth is more or less a grown up now. And you KNOW how much it kills me to say that, but he is. And he’s got a lot of time spent coming up learning more about himself. And I’d imagine Valentino probably does too. But...guys? I’m trusting your judgement on this, because I’ve only just learned of Valentino’s true role in Seth’s life. Does he make your brother happy?”

Neither brother spoke for a moment, until Roman slowly nodded.

“I think he really does,” he said softly. “They hang out together all the time. You can hear them just laughing. And I think...I think Seth feels safe letting his guard down. And they kiss. It’s adorable.”

Lily’s heart sank just a little. 

“So...how long have they been together?” 

“Well…” Dean mused. He’d clearly calmed down a little. “I guess...I mean they met at school orientation which was in August. And I think they clicked right away, but I know it took Seth a little while to admit his feelings. They’ve been hanging out all the time though. I mean they’re always together at school. During the play they were constantly rehearsing together. You know how much he’s around the house and if he’s not here, odds are they’re at his place.”

“Yeah...yeah, I know he’s around a lot, I just honestly never noticed…” Lily sighed. It would do no good to dwell on this; she had to learn to make peace with her transgressions because she couldn’t change any of it.

“Mom,” Roman seemed to be reading her mind. “Relax. Valentino’s a good kid. I don’t think he’d hurt Seth; they seem to really like each other. They might even be in love.”

Lily smiled. 

“Seth found someone…”

“Yeah,” Dean said softly. “Looks like he did. Are you okay with it being another guy?”

“Oh, God,” Lily laughed. “I’ve spent a lot of time wondering whether each one of you would find the right person. To have what Dad and I have, to make a family of your own with, and I never really worried about the two of you. I know, Dean, that Jessie broke your heart but I’ve never once doubted that eventually...you’re so young. There’s plenty of time. Seth though, I really wondered if he even cared. And with all of you, I’ve never even considered that the special person might be a guy. But believe me, sweetie, I don’t care one single bit. I’m just happy for him.”

“I want to see him tomorrow. I want to take Finn. Think that’d be okay?” Dean asked.

“I think,” Lily said, “that’s exactly what Seth is hoping for.”

 

_______________________________________________

 

So the next morning, after Roman left for his final, while his mother was getting red beans and rice started in the crock pot, Dean got Finn dressed for a trip to the hospital. Finn was still nowhere near caught up in size to other babies his age and he was still in 0-3 month clothes, so he opted for a long-sleeved one-piece outfit with frog feet and a frog on the chest. Was there anything cuter than a baby snuggled up in an animal outfit? Dean didn’t think so.

When they arrived at the hospital and Finn saw Seth, he balked momentarily and it took Dean a second to figure out why. His brother hadn’t shaved since Saturday, and now here it was Thursday. Dean hadn’t noticed because he’d been there every day and the change had been gradual, but now his brother was sporting a fairly acceptable beard, or at least the strong beginning to one. 

“Talk to him, Seth,” Dean instructed and Seth, who was still sounding just a tad woozy, offered Finn a smile.

“Hey, buddy,” he mumbled. “Look at you. Did you get bigger?”

Finn regarded Seth solemnly for a moment before breaking out into a wide grin. Lily laughed and Seth smiled too. 

“Do you want me to lay him on you?” Dean asked and Seth nodded, so he rested Finn on his belly on Seth’s chest. Lily helped him get a good grip around Finn’s back and the game began. Finn immediately lay his head down for a cuddle, before popping his head up. The second he did, Seth faked a gasp and said softly,

“There he is!”

Finn beamed, then laid his head back down.

“Where’s Finny?” Seth murmured, and the cycle repeated. 

They played several rounds of this game, one of Finn’s current favorite activities, before both nephew and uncle began to yawn. 

“You want him back?” Seth mumbled.

“‘Sup to you, my brother,” Dean replied. “If you want some snuggle time---”

“I do,” Seth whispered and Dean smiled at him gently. Seth nuzzled up to Finn, who by then was barely awake, and closed his eyes. Within moments they were both sound asleep.

Dean stayed close, just in case Finn wriggled out of Seth’s arms, but they seemed cozy and settled---for about an hour. Then Seth’s eyes flew open and he gasped.

“Dean?”

“I’m here. I’m right here, Seth.”

“Dean, I dropped the baby,” Seth looked stricken, and Dean felt confused.

“No, Seth, you didn’t. He’s right here in your arms; you’re doing great with him.”

“No, no, no, I dropped...I dropped the baby. Take him. Please.”

“Okay. It’s okay,” Dean kept his voice soft as he lifted Finn into his arms and placed him into his carseat.

“I know. I know, I just…” Seth trailed off and shook his head. Lily was by their sides now, smoothing Seth’s hair. He didn’t seem horribly distressed, just anxious, but their mother was intent on soothing him. 

“Can you talk about how you’re feeling right now?” Lily asked him gently. He shook his head again.

“I don’t know...I don’t know what’s the right answer. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I just...I’m just…I don’t wanna hurt the baby.”

Dean and Lily exchanged looks; Seth was clearly confused. 

“I know you don’t,” Lily offered him her hand, which he gripped onto. “You aren’t gonna hurt the baby. The baby is just fine, bub, see?” 

“But…” Seth continued to fret. 

“No,” Lily murmured. “Everything is okay; we’re all just fine.”

Seth whimpered; it was obvious that his episode was escalating, until just as Dean was going to suggest he take Finn and head out, Seth moaned “Mama” and began to cry. But it was different this time; this time when Lily wrapped him in her arms, instead of screaming and pulling away, he sagged against her and closed his eyes. It appeared the crisis had been averted for now.

“I should take Finn to Megan,” Dean said. “I’ve got to meet up with Cici and do Alfie’s one year pics today.” 

“Wow...it’s been a year already…” Lily murmured. “Time sure flies by, doesn’t it?” 

He nodded his agreement. But this was exactly what Dean didn’t want to hear. Finn's first 4 months were gone---couldn't it slow down just a little?

 

________________________________________________

 

The first thing that The noticed was Lily, who was curled up in Seth’s bed and letting him just cling to her. She was rubbing his back with one hand and stroking his hair with the other, but the second Tony walked in the door, Seth’s head popped up.

“Daddy? Daddy, I can’t find the baby.”

“You can’t find---Finn? Baby Finn?”

“I lost him,” Seth whimpered. Tony raised an eyebrow at Lily. 

“We’ve been talking about how Finn is at home with Megan,” his wife began. “And that Dean took him there, and everything’s just fine. But Seth has been a little confused today.”

“Ohh, hey, buddy, it’s okay. Do you want to see of Megan will text us some pictures of him?”

Seth nodded, shivering slightly. 

“Has he been worried about the baby all day?” Tony asked Lily.

“No...well, most of the day. He started off just fine. He and Finny played peekaboo for awhile and then they napped for a bit and ever since he woke up, Seth’s been concerned about the baby. Like even when Finn was here sound asleep in his seat. We just haven’t been able to convince bub that he’s okay.”

Tony considered this.

“I wonder if Finn isn’t the baby he’s been worried about…” he murmured quietly, crouching next to his son. 

“Hey Seth?”

“Daddy?”

“Buddy, are you worried about Valentino?” Tony kept his tone even, but at Valentino’s name Seth’s face crumbled. 

“Oh, baby. Oh, bub,” Lily murmured, tightening her arms around Seth.

“Can you talk to us about him?” Tony reached his hand out to rub Seth’s shoulder. 

“He...he...I love him,” Seth sniffled. “I can’t find him.”

“Do you remember what we talked about? About him being a patient in the hospital too?”

“He’s...he’s hurt. I let him get hurt. It’s all my fault,” Seth was making a motion against his mother, almost like he was treading water minus the pool. It didn’t seem as though he was trying to escape her, but he was very clearly growing distressed now. 

“I let him get hurt and now he’s gone and I can’t...I can’t find...I can’t find Vali.”

 

“You think you let him get hurt? That’s not what I heard,” Tony murmured. “That’s not what I heard at all.”

“It’s not?”

“Nope. Not even close. Do you think you can try to remember, bub? Close your eyes a moment and think. After they pulled you away from him, after Valentino fell down, what happened next?”

Tony saw Lily’s arms tighten again; this was going to be hard for Seth, if he could even do it, but Tony wasn’t sure what else to do.

“They...the men...tried to make me...tried to make me do something. And I didn’t want to...Seth has choices…”

“That’s right. So what did you choose, buddy?”

“I...I stole his knife.”

“Why’d you do that, bub?” Tony could feel his old agent instincts kicking in, though he kept the tone light anyway.

“I...I...because Seth has choices.”

“Yes. You do have choices and you made a choice. What choice did you make?”

“I...I…” Seth’s voice was rising, angst pouring from his child.

“You did it, bub,” Lily soothed, and although tears were streaming down her face too, Tony could see that she knew where he was taking this and she was prepared to help him get there.

“Seth. Why did you take that knife away from those men?” Tony kept probing.

“Because...because I didn’t want them to touch me,” Seth wailed out. “I wanted them to STOP. They were gonna...they were gonna make me...and I don’t ever want to do that again unless I SAY I WANT TO. I don’t want anyone to make me do that anymore.”

“I understand,” Tony murmured. “So then you took that knife...to protect yourself?”

“Y-y-y-yes,” Seth sobbed, barely able to catch his breath.

“Do you understand what that means?” Tony asked his son. “That means that you---Seth---took care of yourself. You stood up for yourself and you fought back and you were so brave and strong. Even though you were hurt and it was scary. You did all of that, Seth. You made a choice. And you know what else? What else happened when you took the knife?”

“They...they went away,” Seth was calming now, voice still strained and still speaking around sobs but definitely settling back against Lily. 

“Okay...why is that good?”

“Because...because they...they wanted...but they went away.”

“Exactly. You made them go away. So who besides you did you help?”

“They were gonna hurt Vali.”

“When they went away, did they stop hurting Vali?”

“Y-yes…” Seth hesitated. “They stopped hurting Vali.”

“Because you made a choice.”

“Because...because I...no…”

“Yes. You saved yourself and you saved Vali, son. YOU did that. You saved yourself AND Vali because you made the right choice.”

“I saved...Vali?”

“You saved Vali. You called for help, you did everything right. This. Is. Not. Your. Fault.”

“Seth has choices…” Seth mumbled.

“That’s right. You helped yourself and you helped Vali,” Lily broke in. “And everything’s gonna be okay now.”

“But I can’t find...I can’t find Vali,” Seth still seemed weary, but Tony knew what he needed.

“I know. He has to heal too, just like you do. But I tell you what. I want you to look at the menu with Mom and decide on something for dinner and eat a little and rest a bit, and I’ll go talk to Vali’s parents. I bet he’s missing you too.”

“I need to see him,” a sob erupted from Seth again, and Lily shushed him.

“Shhh...I know. Let’s just...let’s just do what Daddy suggested, okay? Hang out, you haven’t eaten all day, what sounds good? Anything?”

“Pizza,” Seth whispered. Lily grinned. 

“That’s my Seth William,” she murmured. Tony slipped out the door as she was explaining that the nurses might prefer he go with something milder, lest his stomach not quite be ready for too much just yet.

He slipped down the hall and around a few corners and when he got to Valentino’s room, he found the door closed, just open a crack, so he knocked and a deep voice spoke.

“Hang on,” Tony knew it was Ezekiel. “Valentino Guillermo, that’s enough.”

When Mr. Dawson got to the door, he smiled slightly when he saw Tony standing there.

“Mr. Girardi,” he said. “How are you?”

“I’m well, thank you, and it’s Tony, if you don’t mind. How are you guys doing down here?”

Then Tony looked past Ezekiel to see Valentino, spread out on his bed with an arm over his face.

“I JUST WANT TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND,” came a muffled yell.

“You can pretty much see how we’re doing,” Ezekiel replied helplessly, standing aside so that Tony could come in. “He’s been throwing this fit since his mother went home.”

“Well, I think I have a resolution, if you’re comfortable letting him move. Seth needs to see him too.”

Mr. Dawson looked at him.

“It’s fine with me. He’s been up and about, so says Araceli, she’s exhausted so she went home but I doubt she stays there all night. We just...can’t stand being away from him.”

“If you loved me you’d let me see Seth,” came a contrite voice from the bed. Valentino was still hidden under his arm, but Tony could tell he was listening.

“Valentino,” Mr. Dawson warned. 

“Hey, no, I get it,” Tony said quietly. “Did I hear your dad call you Valentino Guillermo?”

Finally the boy uncovered his face.

“Yes. It’s my middle name. I hate it.”

“Do you know that Seth’s middle name is William?”

This gave Valentino pause.

“No. We’ve never discussed our middle names.”

“Well, William is the root of Guillermo. You guys have the same middle name, basically. Kinda cool huh?”

“Nothing’s cool,” Vali muttered. “Not until I see him. Is he okay?”

“He’s still struggling with some things,” Tony said honestly. “He’s a little confused, a lot anxious, and he’s having nightmares at night but...overall he’s doing great and the reason I’m here is to see if you want to come see him.”

Valentino sat up so fast that he fell right back over.

“Son,” Ezekiel said exasperatedly as he helped him slowly. “You’ve still got a concussion, boy. Slow the hell down.”

“I want to see Seth,” Vali’s eyes were wide and brown. A bruise surrounded one of them, and at that moment, he looked as though his face might crumble. “I need to see him.”

“I know,” Tony said softly, and it struck him that the look on that boy’s face when he talked about Seth was the exact same look on Seth’s face when he talked about Vali, and right then he knew that they were supposed to be together. 

“C’mon. We’re gonna go---you’ve just got to take it easy.”

Tony and Ezekiel helped Valentino ease to his feet and carefully step to the door, at which point Vali carefully opted to walk without help. They let him go a few strides ahead, and then Ezekiel put his hand on Tony’s arm.

“Thank you,” he said, and Tony understood.

“You’re welcome, Mr. Dawson,” Tony replied.

“Zeke,” the larger man said with a smile. “Call me Zeke.”

The second they got to Seth’s door, Valentino started to cry. 

“Oh, baby...what’ve they done to you?”

Lily moved over to make room, though she stayed close.

“Vali? Vali, Vali, I thought I lost you, I thought...I thought…”

“Here. Scootch, bub,” Lily murmured, glancing at both Zeke and Tony as though requesting permission, but Tony knew neither father would say a word. She gently took Valentino by the arm and guided him into Seth’s bed. Vali immediately wrapped his arms around Seth, who couldn’t quite reach to do the same, but it didn’t seem to matter because then both boys were resting, foreheads together, facing each other, and Valentino was repeating,

“It’s okay. It’s okay, you didn’t lose me, I’m here. I’m here. You’re gonna be fine and I’m gonna be fine and it’s all gonna be okay now, Seth. It will.”

Seth held onto Valentino for dear life for a couple moments before whispering,

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” Vali murmured his reply. “I love you so much. Have I ever told you that you’re beautiful?”

This seemed to resonate with Seth, because as he looked up at his boyfriend, a term that Tony now knew he could be completely at peace with, his eyes seemed to focus and then he smiled softly at Valentino.

“Not today,” Seth replied quietly. Then the two boys snuggled up against each other and slowly fell asleep.

“I’m going to go back to his room to get my phone,” Zeke said quietly, “so I can text his mother and let her know that he’s bunking in here tonight.”


	128. I Wanna Be Your Bub

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all are in for a huge treat, as we have a guest author for part of this chapter. 
> 
> Our own Prittyspeshul, my dear friend, my beta reader, and my partner in crime asked me awhile ago if she could write something for me. The second I read it I knew it had to go IN the story. So the first section is all her, and I love it so much and I hope you enjoy hearing a fresh voice in this piece. The second section is back to my writing. I'm so very excited and honored that she wanted to take part on this journey with me! Enjoy!

The next morning, Seth woke up feeling more clarity than he had since...he didn’t know. 

He remembered falling asleep in Vali’s arms and was acutely aware that Vali was suddenly no longer there.

“Mama? Where---?” Seth didn’t even get the question out before his mother pressed her hand to his cheek. 

“Relax. He went to get a repeat MRI to check his concussion. He’ll be back, bub.”

Seth dozed off again, and when he woke up, he still felt completely clear---and he felt something else.

He felt guilty--no, not guilty, exactly, it was more that he felt ashamed. He was ashamed of himself for questioning his position with the family that so clearly loved and wanted him, for even thinking that there was the slightest of chances that his sexual orientation could possibly change how they felt. Tears were building in his eyes, he could feel it, but he kept them at bay until he caught sight of Vali, scrunched between his brothers at the foot of the bed, looking exhausted and worse for wear with one of his big brown eyes blackened, but there for him anyway, like he had been ever since they started dating. 

"I'm sorry," he choked, the tears leaking traitorously from his eyes and dripping off his nose, "I'm so, so sorry..."

Lily swept in and wrapped her arms around him, making soothing noises, but he just sobbed harder. A floodgate had burst, and the words held behind it were pouring out of him and filling up the hospital room.

"I was just so scared that--that with Natalie and Audrey back in the picture, maybe you and Dad would regret getting stuck with a therapy case like me instead of having them. And I was feeling so mixed up about being gay and I was feeling terrible about feeling bad about it, because Valentino was being so sweet--" 

He paused for breath, scrubbing at his face with a free hand and leaning into the warmth of his mother. 

"I panicked when it all became too much, and instead of turning to anybody, I just bottled it up until, well. You know." 

"Oh, bu--Seth," Lily breathed, cradling him closer and pressing her face against his hair. 

"That's an awful lot to deal with all by yourself. We should have reached out--we sort of knew there was something going on, but we thought--we thought you'd come to us when you were ready."

"Well, here I am," Seth said, a weak attempt at a joke, but Lily just held him more tightly and his brothers each grabbed hold of one of his feet. 

The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur of doctors, nurses, and his family crowding close. It was wonderful to have their support, but Seth was feeling a little claustrophobic, too, and he breathed a very quiet sigh of relief when Tony announced that it was dinner time and they were all going to the cafeteria to give Seth a break. Valentino hung back, however, and made a beeline for the side of the bed once everyone's steps had faded in the hall. 

"Hey, handsome."

Seth reached out and took his hand, interlacing their fingers. "Hey, yourself, handsome." 

Vali snorted and tapped his black eye, shaking his head. "Not quite so handsome anymore, hm?" 

Gently, Seth reached up and traced the puffy outline, face crumpling into a frown. "I'm sorry--"

"Save it," he cut him off, tilting his head up to plant a kiss on his forehead. "It wasn't your fault. And if it hadn’t been for you it would’ve been a million times worse. Maybe even the ultimate worse..."

With some surprise, Seth realized that Valentino's shoulders were shaking, and he looked up to see him wipe his eyes. Tenderly, Seth took his face in his hands and brought him down for a long, soft kiss. 

"But it’s over now. And I'm okay, see?" He waved one of his hands, trying to indicate that he was, in fact, okay, but he unfortunately chose the hand with the IV in it and therefore tangled the broad shoulders of his boyfriend into the IV drip line. They both broke down laughing as Seth tried to untangle it, until he finally gave up and just relaxed against Valentino's chest. 

The boys were startled by a throat clearing in the doorway, and Seth felt his face heat up when his mother and Araceli entered the room. They were smiling, though, and Lily simply lifted the line and freed the taller boy. 

"I thought you may have given us the slip and stayed here," she laughed, gesturing toward the door. 

“It’s okay, honest, I’m not really very hungry.”

“Vali,” Araceli scolded. “You still gotta eat and get your rest. C’mon, mi hijo, I take you back to bed and then you see Seth later.”

Valentino smiled and squeezed Seth's hand one more time before disentangling their fingers and leaving with his mother, casting one long look back at the pair on the bed. 

Lily settled back against the pillows and leveled a Look, one of the kind that mothers have mastered, at Seth, until he squirmed and had to break eye contact. 

"So--you really like this boy, huh?"

"Mooom," Seth whined, covering his face with his hands and doing his best to shrink under the blanket. 

Lily laughed and dragged his body closer to hers on the bed--he may have been just about 18, but she had Mom Strength on her side, and he wasn't resisting all that hard. 

“Well, we like him too." 

"You do?" Seth was embarrassed at how fast he came out of hiding, and his face flushed as he dove under the blanket once again. 

Lily laughed again, reaching under the blanket and finding his hair. It was still one of the most soothing touches known to man, and Seth practically melted into her lap. They stayed that way for a while, until Lily was sure he was asleep, but as she went to pull away, his tiny, half-awake voice held her up. 

"Mama?"

"Yes, bu--Seth?"

"You can call me bub, again, if you want to," he drowsed. 

Lily leaned down to kiss his forehead peeking out of the blanket, and sighed softly, "Of course, bub."

 

_____________________________________________

 

Valentino’s head hurt and his ribs ached when he moved, but the only thing he wanted was to be near Seth, so he sucked it up. 

The next three days passed agonizingly slowly, with each of the boys undergoing various exams and checks and Seth having daily visits with his counselor. It bothered Vali, that Seth still seemed so out of it, but everyone, the adults anyway, all swore that he was doing just fine.

After the night he spent in Seth’s room, his mother insisted that the hospital move him so that he and Seth could be next door to each other. 

“It’s just easier, Vali,” Araceli told him, and he couldn’t help but agree.

He didn’t want to spend one single second away from his boyfriend.

Because the only time he truly felt at peace was when Seth was laying against him, head on Vali’s chest, their fingers entwined. Then Valentino could feel Seth, his breathing, his heartbeat, just the weight of him right there in the bed, and he knew he could relax. 

Vali was still having a hard time wrapping his head around what had happened.

He’d been out for several years by then, and it wasn’t a secret at all. He wasn’t as flamboyant as some, it just wasn’t his nature, but he made no attempt to hide his sexuality from anyone. He’d been harassed for a lot of things before; being of mixed race was definitely a big thing in some places, and there were people out there who didn’t seem to find drama the most masculine thing ever either. At the school he’d gone to before Creek Ridge, he’d gotten taunted relentlessly for having a Hispanic mother and a Black father; in fact, since switching, no one had ever made a single comment. And it didn’t feel like it was because the school had zero tolerance. It legit felt like it just didn’t matter, and that was a breath of fresh air.

He’d been to probably 50 civil rights events, and he couldn’t recall anyone ever even looking at him sideways.

Why in God’s name did this have to happen NOW? Now, when Seth could get hurt too?

Nobody blamed him, or at least, he didn’t think they did. And he tried hard not to blame himself, but that wasn’t easy. 

And God knows, Vali wanted to talk to Seth about all of this, but in private. Privacy was almost impossible to come by. Their mothers wouldn’t leave them alone. On the rare occasion that they DID get some peace, it was almost always because their fathers were there, and Tony and Ezekiel seemed to understand that hovering would do them no good.

“Vali?” Seth asked during one such time. They’d been resting in Valentino’s room, snuggled close and Tony had thrown Seth’s blanket over them, then summoned Ezekiel to go get something to eat.

“Yeah?” Vali replied, only semi-awake.

“What is a twink?”

Vali sighed deeply, an action that Seth misunderstood.

“Sorry...I’m sorry. I’m just...I guess I’m not very good at this.”

“Not very good at what, babe?” Vali wondered.

“Not very good at being gay...I don’t know ANYTHING,” Seth sighed too.

“Oh, Seth, no, that’s...that’s actually really kind of silly, baby. Being gay isn’t a skill, first of all, so don’t say that huh? A twink is...there are different definitions but it’s a slang term. I think they meant that you looked young. Which I mean we are, so that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Although,” Vali gently began to stroke along Seth’s jaw and the thick, dark hair that was growing there.

“You’re not looking so young with all of this,” he teased gently. Seth smiled.

“I think I like it but it just looks weird.”

“Not weird at all. Just different. And it definitely makes you look older. And kind of sexy.”

Seth blushed under his beard. 

“You think I’m sexy?”

“Good God, I think you’re the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen, and beautiful to boot. Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?”

Seth giggled.

“Not today,” he said.

Vali reached up and swept soft dark curls away from his face.  
“You,” he murmured, leaning in to gently place a kiss on Seth’s lips, “are the most beautiful human being I have ever seen.”

Seth hummed as he rested his head on Vali’s chest again. 

“No, that’s you,” he replied.

“Nope. I don’t hold a candle to you. You’re gorgeous. And you know what else?”

“What’s that?”

“You’re my hero.”

“I’m not a hero, Vali,” Seth’s voice wavered just a little and Vali pulled him tighter.

“You are. I don’t remember much but they’ve all told me, and you...you saved us.”

“I didn’t try to save us. I just wanted it to stop.”

“Baby boy, whether you meant to or not, you saved us. We’d have been done if it hadn’t been for you,” Vali murmured against Seth’s cheek.

“I wasn’t thinking about that though,” Seth whispered.

“What were you thinking?” Vali wanted to know.

“That they were trying to take something that I only want to give to you.”

Valentino’s heart swelled.

They both had nightmares. Seth’s typically featured not being able to find Valentino while Vali’s almost always involved being forced to watch those people brutalize Seth. Sometimes Valentino could hear Seth sobbing next door, and he’d try desperately to get up and go to him, only to be thwarted by his own parents.

He thought it would be better once they both went home, but he hadn’t factored in the fact that they lived 30 minutes from each other.

This had never been a problem before; they’d go to his house after school or they’d go to Seth’s, and hang out and study and talk (and yeah, make out, because why not?).   
It’d be awhile before either of them could drive though, and with Christmas coming there wasn’t a whole lot of time for their chauffeurs to drive them around. A lot of FaceTime was happening, though two days after they’d both been released, Valentino’s mami offered to drive him out to Seth’s. He readily agreed.

“Can we take his Christmas gifts?” Vali begged. “I don’t know when I’ll get to see him in person again.”

Mami agreed; before this whole mess had even begun, she and Valentino had gone shopping together and Vali had painstakingly chosen a few gifts for Seth. It would be their first Christmas as a couple, Seth’s first Christmas in a relationship with a boy, and anyway, Vali loved Christmas. He remembered with a smile when he and Seth had had that conversation.

_“Yeah, you’re the type. Dean loves it too,” Seth had said with a grin._

_“Don’t you?” Vali asked, thinking this might be a dealbreaker._

_“Oh, no, I do,” Seth said. “I just...I celebrated my first real Christmas 5 years ago, and it was so overwhelming that I hid behind my mom. It’s gotten better. We have a lot of fun traditions.”_

_“Us too,” Vali replied. “What do you guys do?”_

_“On Christmas Eve, we open gifts from relatives---sometimes stuff comes all the way from Ireland---and that’s also when Roman, Dean, and I exchange gifts,” Seth began, a dreamy look in his eyes. “We eat a ton of appetizers and Mom makes wassail---”_

_“Wassail?” Vali interrupted. “What’s wassail?”_

_“It’s...like a hot punch. It’s pineapple juice and apple cider and cloves and cinnamon sticks and spices. It tastes like Christmas.”_

_Vali’s mouth watered._

_“None of us was really young enough for Santa,” Seth went on. “This year will probably be different. Dean swears he won’t go overboard with Finn, and he probably won’t because he doesn’t have any money, but my parents have made no such promise.”_

_“What are YOU getting Finn?” Valentino asked._

_“I don’t have a clue what I’m getting anyone,” Seth replied, “except you. And for me the gift giving and family time are the best parts of Christmas. I love Christmas morning and everyone is all bleary-eyed but up anyway and there’s more wassail and we take turns opening gifts from our parents and they open gifts from each other. My dad is always trying to think of a gift for my mom that outdoes what he did last year, and it always seems to work. She always cries. One year he gave her a necklace with me and Roman and Dean’s birthstones on it. Another year he bought gift cards for all of her favorite places and set it up like the 12 days of Christmas.”_

_“Did you know the 12 days of Christmas are actually the 12 days after Christmas?” Valentino asked, and Seth shook his head._

_“No---really?”_

_“Yeah, the way the Bible tells it, the night Jesus was born, the Wise Men saw the star up in the sky and began to travel towards him bearing gifts, and it took them 12 days to get to him. The day they got there is called Epiphany.”_

_“I didn’t know that. That’s kind of cool,” said Seth, a gleam in his eyes that Vali couldn’t quite read._

_“You’re thinking about something,” Vali accused._

_“Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. Anyway. What else does your family do?”_

_“Well, we have a lot of extended family here,” Vali said. “So we also get together and exchange gifts on Christmas Eve and eat posole and then we all go to Midnight Mass.”_

_“I love posole,” Seth murmured. “We really only go to Mass when Nana and Granddad are around...or when we’re in New York with Nonna.”_

_“Mi Mami and Abuelita and my aunts cook it all day, the posole. And on Christmas Day, we all get together at mi Abuelos and there’s turkey and all of that good stuff.”_

_“Now I’m hungry,” complained Seth._

_“Me too. Let’s go get lunch.”_

Now as he rode in the passenger seat, Valentino found himself nervous. Four neatly wrapped gifts sat on the backseat, but this was the first time he’d ever given Seth a present, unless you counted flowers after the play, but Vali didn’t. Almost all of the actors and actresses were given flowers by someone; it was a theatre tradition. These were gifts he’d actually put some serious thought into. And while he understood that it was the thought that counted, Valentino hoped his thoughts had been in the right place.

When they arrived at the Girardi house, they were greeted by the usual melodious barking.

“How many dogs they got?” Mami asked Vali cautiously. Araceli didn’t especially like dogs. Vali wished he’d have thought of this.

“Um...four…” he said slowly, watching the look on his mami’s face melt from concern into dread. 

“But it’s okay,” he said hurriedly. “They’re nice dogs and they’re getting on the older side so they’re not rambunctious or anything.”

Mami looked unmoved, but she got out of the car anyway and walked around to help him. He was feeling much better but she still insisted that he hold onto her arm whenever he walked anywhere, an act that he secretly loved so he didn’t complain. 

Seth’s brother Roman answered the door. 

“Hey, Valentino, Mrs. Dawson,” he said in greeting, just as Lily sidled up behind him.

“Valentino! Hello, Araceli, come in, come in,” she seemed so genuine that Valentino could feel his mother’s grip relax on his arm. 

“Your house, it’s so pretty,” Araceli said and Lily smiled.

“Thanks! We’ve lived out here for quite some time now. I love it when it’s all done up for Christmas.”

Indeed, it was ALL done up for Christmas and Vali looked around in awe. 

There was a live Christmas tree in the foyer that was glittering with white lights and trimmed with gold ribbon and red ornaments. Santas were on display everywhere, even as they were escorted through the kitchen and Vali noticed off to the right in the formal dining room, an entire snow-covered village was set up and lit up as well. 

The tree in the living room was massive and gorgeous as well, but by then, Vali only had eyes for Seth.

And talk about gorgeous.

His boyfriend was sitting up on the sofa, blanket around him and holding his nephew. Seth’s face lit up when he saw him. Finn’s face crumbled.

“Ohh, hey, what’s this about, buddy?” Seth immediately crooned, rubbing the baby’s back. 

“Here. I’ll see if he needs changing,” Lily said, scooping Finn into her arms. “C’mon, Araceli, let me give you a tour of the house.”

And just like that they were alone.

Vali leaned over and pecked Seth’s cheek, keeping it as chaste as possible, lest one of their mothers or Roman came back. Seth seemed to have other ideas though. He practically leaped across the sofa and buried himself into Valentino’s chest.

“Hey, now,” Vali murmured, feeling Seth’s heart pounding, feeling his love shaking just a little. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just...just...this sucks,” Seth whispered, turning his head to the side so his cheek was resting against Vali. “I miss you. And it’s hard to sleep and I know...I know it takes time. I know. I’m trying to be patient with myself but it’s not easy.” 

“I know,” Vali soothed. “I know. I’m not sleeping so well either and you’re absolutely right; it takes time and that’s the most frustrating thing in the world. But by the time school starts back...you look really good. The bruising is almost gone. How do you feel? I mean physically?”

“Tired,” Seth said immediately. “But otherwise not too bad. How about you?”

“Same,” Vali replied. “If I try to move too fast I get dizzy, but really I think I’m a lot better. And everything else, we’ll get there.”

“I don’t get to ski,” Seth mumbled against him. “I can still go on the trip but I can’t do anything too physical.”

“That sucks,” Vali agreed. “But it’s still temporary, so cheer up. Hey...I brought you something.”

“You did?” Seth perked up. “What? Is it a present?”

“They’re presents. For Christmas. Do you want to open them now or do you want to wait until---”

“Wait? Why? Christmas is still a week away. I wanna open them now! And I’ve got some for you too.”

Seth hopped up and practically bounded to the huge tree, where he rooted around for a minute or two before producing a small pile of gifts. 

“You wanna go first?” Vali asked him.

“Yup!” Seth said happily. “But which one should I start with?”

“Ummm...here,” Vali said, passing Seth a gift. He practically tore through the paper and opened the box.

“Ooh, Glamour Kills!” Seth exclaimed, pulling the t-shirt out of the box. “I really like their clothes but I’ve only just found them. How’d you know?”

“Tasha Taylor told me about the line, and then I got online and looked and I knew you’d be into it.”

“I love it. Thanks, babe. Here, you open this one first.” Seth passed Vali a box.

It was a photo of the two of them. They were standing near the stage after the final performance of Othello. Vali had his arms around Seth’s neck. They were both grinning. Vali stared at it.

“What is it? Is it wrong? Do you not like---” Vali gently stopped him with a soft kiss to the lips. 

“Seth. I love it. It’s just that...well...here.”

Vali placed another gift in Seth’s hands and he opened it to find another framed photo of them both, also from the play but arm in arm and grinning like fools.

“We had the same idea!” Seth exclaimed.

“That we did,” Vali responded by offering another kiss. 

“Hey, now,” Lily’s voice came from behind him and they both jumped and looked up. “Let’s keep it PG for the baby.” 

But she was smiling, and beside her, Araceli sported a huge grin. Finn, in a fresh onesie, joined them as they opened the rest of their gifts. While Vali and Seth and their mothers talked a little bit, the baby played with tissue paper and a ribbon. 

“I know what you’re getting for Christmas, Little Man,” Seth told the baby and Vali laughed. 

It seemed as though Finn had an amazing connection with Seth. Seth would hold him and play with him and the baby would be all smiles, and then he would get passed to Vali and there was an instant pout. 

“I don’t think he likes me much,” Vali complained, passing Finn back to Seth for the third time.

“Oh, don’t be silly. He’s a baby. He doesn’t know how to not like someone. And besides, what’s not to like about you? He just hasn’t seen enough of you yet.”

Before long they both grew tired and then Araceli announced that it was time to go. Seth got up and handed Lily the baby and walked with them out to the car.

“I love you,” he whispered into Vali’s ear.

“I love you too,” Vali whispered back.

As they drove home, Valentino barely heard his mother’s banter beside him. All he could think about was Seth.


	129. Merry Christmas

“‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse…”

Lily was watching Dean read to Finn with a smile on her face. As far as Christmas Eve went, this one had been pretty perfect. It was late now, easily after midnight. In fact, Dean had tried twice to put the baby down to sleep, but apparently he could sense the excitement in the air, or maybe he was just overstimulated, but either way, Finn wasn’t having it. So Dean got up and sat by the tree and gently read him a story while Tony sat on the floor and struggled to put together the gift that Santa was bringing the baby.

It was a brand new big boy crib. 

Lily and Tony had sat down with Dean a few weeks back and asked him what kind of things he would like for Finn to have for Christmas. They’d already agreed to help him purchase gifts for his son, and Dean had seemed grateful when they made the offer. Finn was finally beginning to outgrow his bassinet, so that was the first thing Dean asked for. Quite a few things were thrown around, but finally they agreed that a combination of want and need was the way to go, so Tony took Dean to Babies R Us, where they picked out the crib, a huge box of diapers, a play mat that Finn could lay on his tummy to play with, a rattle, and a teething toy. There were also some bath tub toys; Finn had graduated awhile ago from being bathed in the kitchen sink to a bath tub seat. He loved bath time, and was beginning to want to grab at the wash cloth, the shampoo, and anything else he could reach. 

A surprise was in the works as well, but it was every bit as much for Dean as it was for Finn, so Lily and Tony kept that to themselves. 

The night before Christmas Eve was the first night since The Incident that Seth hadn’t woken up screaming, so Lily was hoping this became a new trend. In fact, some peace for her baby was all she really wanted for Christmas. 

Three nights after they brought Seth home, Lily had awakened in the night to a cold bed. She got up and went looking for Tony---and found him in the living room stretched out in the recliner, holding their 17-year-old son. There was soft music playing, and Seth was sprawled across his dad, sound asleep. Tony was rubbing his back.

“I was trying to get to him before he woke you,” Tony explained. “You’ve done so much, and then we sat down and he was shaking and crying but then THIS happened and it makes me remember when he never would’ve wanted me near him, much less let me comfort him and I just don’t want to move.”

Lily smiled, ran a hand through Seth’s unruly hair, and got up to get them a blanket. 

In truth, he seemed to be doing okay. Not perfect yet. Definitely not back to normal, but his progress was excellent. Every morning he spent an hour talking with his psychiatrist, and every few days she would meet with Lily and Tony. Seth was allowed to attend these meetings but he typically opted to curl up in a beanbag and listen to music on his phone.

“When I first heard about this, I was sure he’d regress years,” Dr. Bushman confided in them after a therapy session one day. “He so clearly knows he’s safe at home with you. I’m just so pleased right now.”

They discussed his sleep patterns and agreed that given the circumstances, the nightmares and sleep disturbance was more than acceptable. Dr. B even dialed down Seth’s Ativan. 

“He’s really only distressed at night; I see no reason to medicate him during the day unless he truly needs it, so let’s just see.”

Now Seth sat snuggled against Dean’s side, listening to his brother read the story. 

And then there was her Roman.

Roman had finished his very first semester of college with a perfect 4.0 GPA, which made Lily plenty proud and even more happy for her boy because he had been SO excited when grades were posted online.

“I did it, Mom!” Roman had practically squealed with delight. “I did it!”

She’d hugged him tight and whispered her pride in his ear. And he had clung to her for a moment, as though he was savoring this little bit of attention, and that’s when Lily realized that she needed and wanted to spend some one-on-one time with each of her sons. So she and Tony had made a schedule and agreed that in February, Lily would take Roman and Tony would take Dean away for a weekend. In March Lily would take Dean and Tony would take Seth. In April Lily would take Seth and Tony would take Roman. The boys would be permitted to choose the location, within driving distance. Lily had a feeling Tony would be doing a lot of camping coming up, and she couldn’t wait to hear what her boys decided to do with her. 

Now Roman, too, was curled up on the couch next to Seth, resting his head on Seth’s shoulder while Seth played with his hair. Finn fell asleep right as the story ended, and Ro appeared to be just about out. 

Lily smiled at Tony.

“Looks like our boys aren’t gonna stay up for Santa tonight,” she murmured and he laughed. Together they untangled their sleepy brood. Lily went to help Dean tuck Finn in for what would be his last night in his bassinet. Once the baby was down, Dean yawned.

“Can’t believe he’s growing so fast,” Lily’s middle son mumbled, drowsy, into her neck when she gave him a hug.

“I can’t believe my three boys have grown so fast,” Lily soothed her agreement, then pulled Dean’s blanket up to his shoulders.

“I’ll get Finny in the morning. You sleep in. Might be the last Christmas morning ever that we don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn,” Lily went on, smiling fondly at the sleeping infant. Dean chuckled.

“I sent Jessie a Christmas card,” Dean heaved a sigh. “I just...it just felt like the right thing. I just hope she doesn’t see it as an invitation to walk back into our lives.”

“What did it say?” Lily asked cautiously.

“It just...I wrote it from Finn,” he said. “I just wrote about how big he is and his favorite things, and his milestones, and then I put in some of the Christmas pictures.”

“That was nice, sweetie,” Lily responded, kissing Dean’s forehead. “I like that you’re setting a good example for Finn.”

“I don’t want to keep her from him, I just don’t want her to take him from me,” Dean explained. “I don’t think she ever WOULD, but I can’t...I didn’t think she’d ever leave us either...anyway. I got to thinking she might be worried about him or whatever, and I just wanted her to know he’s doing great. She might throw it away for all I know…”

“She won’t. Trust me on this, sweetie. She won’t.”

With Dean settled, Lily slipped next door into Seth’s room. Her baby was snuggled down under his blanket, Spider on his pillow and Wyatt by his feet. Lily knelt beside him so she could kiss his cheek, and his eyes fluttered open.

“Mama?”

“Yeah?”

“Merry Christmas,” Seth whispered. 

“Merry Christmas, bub. I love you. Did you have fun tonight?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Go back to sleep, precious boy. Tomorrow will be a good day.”

Seth smiled, almost asleep.

“It sure will,” he murmured.

That only left Roman, who was lying on his bed looking at his phone when Lily knocked on his door.

“Hi, kiddo,” she murmured.

“Hey, Mama,” Ro said, setting his phone aside. Honey Badger, who was snuggled against Roman’s legs, raised her head, and Lily absently scratched her ears.

“Merry Christmas, kiddo. I love you.”

At these words, Roman rolled over and buried his head into her side. 

“I love you too. I...Mom?”

“Yeah, Ro?” 

“I’m nervous. About the game.”

The Royal Purple bowl took place on December 28. On the 26th Roman would leave with the team, the next day the rest of the Girardi’s would fly out, and then they’d spend a couple of days exploring Vegas. Neither Lily nor Tony was keen to still be in Vegas over New Year’s though, so on the 30th they would drive on to the ski resort. It was a plan everyone seemed amenable to. 

“Oh, Roman, baby,” Lily murmured. “I understand. It’s a big deal.”

“It is,” Roman agreed. “And a lot of people are counting on me. We have to do well, Mom.”

“Baby boy, you’re going to do fine. You’ll be great. Try not to stress, huh? Because win or lose, you’ll never let your family down. Can’t happen.”

“No?” Roman was smiling softly now, though.

“Not a chance. Get some sleep okay? And sleep in a little; Santa plans to.”

Now Roman laughed.

“Santa?”

“Well...when you have a baby you take on a lot of jobs, and this is kind of one of Dean’s. It’ll be more when Finn’s older.”

Roman heaved a huge sigh and relaxed against her. Lily sat with him and stroked his hair until he fell asleep.

As she walked to her own room and slipped into bed next to Tony, Lily heaved a sigh of her own; a contented sigh, because for once, everything just felt right. Audrey and Natalie were coming over for Christmas dinner the next evening and everyone seemed excited about it. And it was Finn’s very first, so of course it would be special. Everyone was safe and relatively healthy. It was...normal.

 

________________________________

 

When Dean woke up the next morning, his mother had indeed kept her promise---the clock on his nightstand said 8:43, long after Finn would’ve been ready for his first bottle and a diaper change. Dean yawned and stretched and then rolled out of bed; sure he could’ve slept a little longer but it was Finn’s first Christmas, after all, and he was pretty excited.

So he got up and made his way down the hall. Seth was sprawled out on the couch nursing a mug of coffee and admiring the tree. At 18, Dean still hadn’t developed a taste for coffee, so he ventured into the kitchen to see if there was any more wassail.

His father was sitting at the kitchen table holding Finn, who was wearing red and green striped pajamas with a reindeer on the chest. He’d been blowing raspberries at his papa, but when he saw Dean his face lit up into a grin.

“Hey, buddy,” Dean said, reaching for his child. “Merry Christmas, little man.”

“He sure is a happy guy today,” Tony said smiling. “But then I guess he’s happy a lot. Aren’t you?” 

Finn grinned and slobber oozed down his chin as Dean lifted him up to his shoulder. 

“Did you eat?” Dean asked the baby, absorbed in the way his little one was grabbing fistfuls of his t-shirt and squealing gleefully.

“He did. He’s really happy to see you!” Lily smiled over at Dean as she pulled a pan of Runaway Rolls out of the oven.

Runaway Rolls were essentially the same thing as monkey bread: frozen rolls, butterscotch pudding, cinnamon, sugar, and butter. However, once the pan was put together it was to sit out overnight so the bread could rise. The very first time Lily had ever made them, she’d put in too many rolls and when they’d gotten up the next morning, the rolls had...well...rolled. All over the counter and a few down on the floor. The boys had called them Runaway Rolls ever since. 

With a happy sigh, Dean carried Finn into the living room.

“Hey, Merry Christmas!” Seth looked up and Dean grinned. 

“Merry Christmas, little bro. Ready to see what Santy brought you?”

Seth pointed to the fireplace. There, where once three stockings had hung, now four dangled, stuffed to the brim. They were embroidered with one of the boys’ names; they’d been ordered from Pottery Barn after each boy had come into the family and this year there was one for Finn. It was dark green with patches of red and light green gingham and a snowman sewn on it. Dean couldn’t help but notice the giraffe-shaped teething toy and the baby dishes poking out the top.

“MOM! Can we open? Can we wake Roman up, please?”

Tony appeared in the doorway and smiled. 

“Roman’s sleeping pretty hard,” their father said. “Go on back there and if you can wake him, we can start.”

Dean and Seth smirked at each other and set off down the hall, baby in tow.

When they got to Roman’s room, he was laying on his back snoring lightly. Dean and Seth exchanged a glance. Then Dean slowly laid baby Finn on Roman’s chest.

“Uncle Romy…” he called softly in a squeaky baby voice.

“C’mon, Uncle Romy, it’s my first Christmas, my very first one, and Papa says everyone’s gotta be up before we can start.”

Roman didn’t even make a peep. Seth reached for Finn and laid him up next to Roman’s chest. Finn began to reach for Roman’s shirt and try to pull himself up onto his uncle’s large frame.

“Pweeeeese, Uncle Romy!” Seth was baby-talking too. “There’s a big sock with my name on it and I think it might have...new toys!!!”

Nothing but a grunt from Roman, so Dean reached across and pulled Finn up so that they were chest to chest.

“Uncle Romy! C’mon, there’s presents for you too and I promise I didn’t drool on a single one of them---”

With a funny, mock roar, Roman came to life, grabbing the baby up around his waist and holding him up high at arm’s length.

“Who disturbs my slumberrrrr,” he growled, and Finn just grinned and grinned. Roman lowered him to give him a kiss on the cheek before raising him up high again.

“Look up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No! Ittttt’s SUPER BABY!”

Then a great stream of slobber fell out of Finn’s mouth and down onto Roman’s chest and he laughed.

“Looks like Super Baby sprung a leak,” he remarked, and Dean and Seth began laughing too. Finn looked around at the three laughing teenagers, smiled, and then began blowing raspberries all over again. Roman passed him to Dean, who quickly wiped his mouth with his shirt.

“Wow,” said Seth. “You really ARE a parent.”

“Yeah…,” Dean said with a soft smile. “He’s my boy for sure.”

Roman sat up. 

“Okay, little man,” he said to his nephew. “Let’s go celebrate your first Christmas.”

Fifteen minutes later the entire family sat around the living room. Each had a warm Runaway Roll and a drink, and Dean held Finn on his lap. At nearly 5 months old, he had mastered the art of head control, and now he could sit up straighter and look around the room, although Dean had a feeling that it wouldn’t be long before he was squealing to be laid on his tummy. He’d deal with that when the time came.

Christmas morning was always reserved for gifts from Mom and Dad, gifts to Mom and Dad from the boys, and Mom and Dad’s gifts to each other. Now the tradition would expand to include Finn’s gifts from “Santa”. As the stockings were passed out, Dean faced a dilemma: did he open his first or Finn’s first? The question was answered when Finn leaned forward and pulled the giraffe right out of the sock, and began chewing on its face. Everyone in the living room laughed.

“Wow, you really couldn’t wait, huh?” Roman sprawled out on the floor beside Dean. “Look, lil man, what’d Santa bring you?”

In the end, they all took turns passing Finn and his stocking around and showing him the contents. Besides the giraffe and the set of bowls (Finn would start eating cereal soon), there were also two stuffed animals, a soft ball, a container of formula, some wash cloths, and a bag of tub toys down in the toe. Dean reveled in all of it as Finn inspected his stash, picking items up and turning them over and analyzing all sides, and occasionally waving something around and squealing. He seemed to be having a ball. 

There was no end to the showing of love in that room that morning.

Finn fell asleep about halfway through, so Dean laid him on his tummy on his brand new, super soft blanket with his new stuffed turtle, and he dozed for about an hour. Shortly after waking up, the doorbell rang.

The boys exchanged looks; it was too early for Natalie and Audrey but who else would it be on Christmas Day? But their parents just smiled as Tony got up to answer the door.

He returned with a laundry basket that was covered with a beach towel. 

“Special delivery!” Tony said with a cheerful smile. “Santa’s got a late drop off for Finn.”

And with that he set the basket down on the ground next to Finn, who was laying on his side playing with his feet.

The basket began to whine. 

Finn looked up and reached out for it.

Dean took the blanket off the top and it...was a puppy.

A wriggling, whimpering, fluffy little puppy.

It was strange-looking. Its fur was longish and it was mostly white with black and brown markings all over it, but it had an orange spot on top of its head. Dean didn’t think dogs had orange markings; wasn’t that a cat thing? But here this puppy did, and it was the exact same color as...Finn’s hair. 

It began making sense after that.

Finn was desperately trying to get closer; to check out this tiny, furry bundle that was making a squeak that was similar to his own, so Dean reached in and lifted the puppy up. Not one to be too concerned over animal germs, trusting his parents, he sat the little dog down on the blanket. It scurried right up to the baby and licked his nose. Finn shrieked happily as he touched the puppy’s fur gently, then rested his head on the dog’s body. It was like it was meant to be. He looked at his parents expectantly.

“Every kid should grow up with a dog,” was his father’s only explanation, but Lily smiled.

“I hadn’t exactly planned this, though I’ve been thinking I’d like a puppy for a long while. Then Cici called me. She had this box of tiny puppies and their mama just dumped off on her property and she didn’t know what to do. This was...8 weeks or so ago; they didn’t even have their eyes open yet. I gave her our vet’s number to call and she’s kept them ever since.”

“How many puppies were there?” Dean asked.

“Nine. But the second I saw the markings on this little girl, I knew Finn had to have her.”

“What kind are they?” Seth wondered.

“The mama is an Australian shepherd mix. We don’t know who’s the daddy.”

At this, Dean began to laugh.

“Who’s your daddy,” he choked out. This got everyone else laughing too.

“She needs a name,” Tony pointed out after a moment.

“Pippi,” Seth said immediately. “Because of that red hair.”

“Pippi,” Dean echoed. “I like Pippi. It’ll be easy for Finn to say…”

“Pippi it is,” Tony smiled. 

Later that afternoon, after all of the gifts had been opened and thank you’s exchanged, Dean and Tony moved Finn’s new crib into the bedroom, where Dean began to try and put Finn down for a nap. That’s when he came across a problem he hadn’t considered.

The baby was obviously tired; he rubbed his eyes and whined and laid his head on his father’s shoulder. But every time Dean tried to lay him down in the crib, Finn immediately screwed up his little face and began to cry. It wasn’t normal crying, either; real tears formed in his eyes and he shuddered and shook. It seemed he was terrified of his new bed.

This was a problem.

They still had the bassinet, which he was rapidly outgrowing, so they could make it work for maybe another couple of weeks but then what? Finn had always been a reasonably good sleeper; Dean never had to do any sort of sleep training, and it would’ve been one thing to let him cry it out if Finn was just being stubborn, but his son was so obviously afraid that he couldn’t bear to leave him in there to his own devices. 

Both his parents tried. So did both his brothers. But Finn continued to sob and try to cling to whomever was attempting to lay him down. And then Dean had an idea.

He picked up Pippi in one arm and Finn in the other and sat in the rocker right beside the crib. The moment Finn was close to the pup his screams abated and he was reduced to sniffles, which broke Dean’s heart. Dean rocked them both until Finn was calm, and then he gently lifted Pippi into the crib. She immediately came over to the side so she could see Finn, and Dean held him up so they could see each other through the slats. 

“Look,” he murmured in the soothing, controlled voice he’d learned to use when Finn was upset. “Look. It’s your doggy.”

Finn pressed his face up against Pippi’s and she licked him, which brought out a tiny smile. Then he reached out to touch her. 

“It’s not scary,” he told Finn softly. “Pippi likes it. See? It’s okay. It’s your new big boy bed. It’s just for sleeping, buddy.” Then he picked the puppy up and began rocking them together again. But an idea was forming.

As Finn’s eyes began to droop, Dean slowly, so slowly, lifted Finn and Pippi together and laid them down in the crib. Finn whined for a moment but then the puppy snuggled up against him and he was quiet after that. Dean stood beside them and rubbed Finn’s back for a few moments until the baby was sound asleep. At that point, Pippi was out cold as well.

He knew better than to leave them in there unattended, but right then Dean didn’t want to disturb them either, so after snapping a few pictures, he pulled up the glider and settled into it so he could supervise. And as he stared into the crib at his baby boy and his puppy, he couldn’t help but smile. As far as first Christmases went, this one had been damn good.


	130. Hazing

Roman knew this Royal Purple Bowl game was going to be a disaster when he woke up the day after Christmas with a sore throat and kind of snotty, but he got up and got his stuff together anyway.

When he picked at his breakfast, his mother raised an eyebrow but didn’t say a word. 

“Now you know if you forget anything, just let me know,” she reminded him as she helped him pack up his toiletries. “We can bring it with us when we fly out tomorrow.”

“I know,” he said, not quite keeping his voice even. Lily wrapped her arms around him.

“No matter what, I love you. I know you’re nervous, but everything is going to be fine, Ro. We’ll get through the next couple of days and then it’s family vacation. We’re gonna make it.”

He sighed into his mother’s embrace, but in truth he didn’t really feel any better. There was a lot of pressure to win this game---a lot. His teammates were mostly decent guys, but there were a couple of real jerks too, and they liked to remind Roman that the only reason he was on the team at all was because his mommy and daddy got him there.

Of course Roman knew this wasn’t true, and he reckoned most of the rest of the team knew that too, but sometimes, it felt as though any time the team made a mistake, it was all on him. Even if he wasn’t involved in the play. Even if he was on the bench at the time.

Roman didn’t complain and he didn’t get mad; it wouldn’t make any difference and he knew this. His experience with his biological mother taught him that some people weren’t worth trying to reason with and it was easier to move forward. It was exhausting, though, and so when he woke up that morning not feeling well and already a bundle of nerves, he couldn’t quite shake the feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach, and he knew it was going to be a rough trip.

He was right. 

There was one Senior on the team who particularly seemed to dislike Roman. His name was Jackson Devoll. He was big and mean, and totally entitled. His parents were rich, which was good for him because while he was an excellent football player he wasn’t very smart, and he seemed to think he should have a lot of liberties. Roman took no issue with him, but Devoll was a real asshole. Roman’s friends on the team seemed to think that it was jealousy; Roman was a fantastic player and he could upstage Jackson without really even trying. Regardless of why, Devoll had it in for him and everyone knew it.

Jackson was a little bigger than Roman, something not many others could say. It all started out innocently enough, a shoulder bump that was a little harder than it needed to be, or a stick of deodorant disappearing and in its place a note that read “you stink.” Childish pranks and such, and Roman downplayed it because it just didn’t seem worth it to fight back. He didn’t want a conflict. He just wanted to play ball.

So Roman let it go, but doing so became progressively harder as the season went on. Jackson could go weeks without doing a thing, and just as soon as Roman would let his guard down there would be something else. And then, about halfway through the season, something happened that rattled Roman to his core.

They’d been practicing hard and it was particularly hot for late October, so everyone was exhausted and cranky by the time Coach Miller finally let them head to the locker room for the night. Roman was at his locker talking to a guy named Oliver Allison about their college algebra test the next day when Jackson staggered by. Roman wasn’t even sure if it was on purpose, because they were all just spent, but as Jackson passed, he bumped into Roman and it caused him to trip a little.

“Hey, sorry, man,” Roman started to say, but Jackson interrupted him.

“Hey, watch it---Reigns.”

Roman’s mouth dropped open and he shook his head; where the hell had that come from? How did Devoll even KNOW his former surname? He’d never gone to Creek Ridge; sure he was from the Houston area but Roman was pretty sure he’d gone to some ritzy private school in the suburbs, a large place that wouldn’t have been in the same class as Roman’s 2A high school. Roman was so stunned that he couldn’t even respond and by the time his voice worked again, Jackson was long gone.

“You okay?” Oliver asked him uncertainly. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Yeah, I’m good, I just...I don’t know what I ever did to him,” Roman muttered, unwilling to explain.

“Devoll’s an ass. He’s just jealous. Don’t let him get to you,” Oliver advised. “C’mon. Let’s shower and then call Megan and Laney and see if they want to meet us and study.”

Laney was Oliver’s girlfriend, a friend of Megan’s and a girl whose company Roman genuinely enjoyed, so he agreed and tried to forget that somehow Jackson Devoll knew more about his past than Roman cared for him to.

After that incident, it seemed as though Jackson lost interest in Roman, and the team continued to kick ass and take names on the field. 

Until the practice three days before Christmas, the second to last practice before the team flew to Las Vegas.

Roman was a defensive tackle, which essentially meant his job was to prevent anyone running with the ball from scoring. There were plenty of defensive tackles out there who were bigger than he was; at 6’5” he was a solid 250 and all muscle, but it was lean muscle. Still, he was strong and fast, and he could very easily nab a quarterback once he was locked in.

Jackson Devoll was an offensive tackle. He probably had 30 pounds on Roman, so he was slower but he definitely hit harder. In fact, the coaches often discussed switching their positions, but in order for Jackson to tackle a player, he had to be able to catch them. It didn’t help Roman’s case that Coach Miller mentioned this right in front of him and Jackson...more than once.

So on the field, it didn’t happen often that either one of them took possession of the ball. Generally the instructions, if that ever did happen, were to get it to the closest open offensive lineman, or run like hell. Roman could handle either. But what happened that day definitely took him by surprise. 

Practice was pretty much over by then and some of the guys were horsing around with the ball, which ended up getting kicked up high in the air and landing right in Roman’s hands.

“Run, man,” he heard Oliver yell with a laugh in his voice, so he did. He took off towards the goal with a grin on his face; it felt good to run. He’d never be fast enough to be a quarterback and his size made him too conspicuous, but he was definitely good in his role. He nearly made it to the goal line when he was hit by what felt like a Mack truck. 

A Mack truck in the form of Jackson Devoll.

Jackson plowed into him, and Roman landed hard on his right shoulder.

The first thought that went through his head as he lay there was that he wasn’t in pain. It should hurt, he thought, but that was quickly overtaken by a new thought---fury.

“The HELL, man?” Roman heard Oliver shout as half the team converged on them, and Roman leaped to his feet, adrenaline pumping.

“Hey, whoa, calm down,” Devoll replied, snickering. “I was just testing the boy. Right, Reigns?”

“My name is Girardi,” Roman snarled, rolling his shoulders, rage coursing through him. “What the hell was that for?”

“It’s my job keep the opposing team from keeping the ball,” Jackson replied innocently, though his gaze was anything but innocent. “Got a problem with that?”

“What I got a problem with is you. Your attitude sucks, you keep picking on me, and I’ve just about had it---”

Jackson interrupted him.

“Gonna cry about it, freshman? Gonna run home to Mommy and Daddy and tell them that big bad Jackson Devoll knocked you down? Gonna do something about it?”

They were face to face by then and Roman knew in the back of his head that he needed to just walk away, let it go, NOT stoop to this creep’s level but his adrenaline was flowing and he also knew that if the coaches hadn’t shown up just then to separate them, he would’ve decked the asshole.

Instead he went to the locker room, showered, changed, and drove home. When he got there, he had dinner with his family and then curled up on the couch and read to Seth. By the time he fell asleep that night, he still wasn’t in any pain and he was feeling a whole lot better.

When he woke up the next morning, he felt the ache.

It wasn’t terrible, just annoying, and so Roman didn’t really give it any thought. Instead he got up and went about his day, went to practice, came home, and helped Seth and Dean wrap their Christmas gifts for their parents. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were relaxed, uneventful, and fun, and even though Roman felt growing dread in the pit of his stomach, he managed to swallow it down. The pain in his shoulder had subsided, and now he just felt a not entirely unpleasant little tingling sensation every so often, which he barely even noticed. To be honest his scratchy throat bugged him more. 

After an uneventful flight, the team got straight onto a charter bus and went out to the practice field. 

Even practice was routine, almost boring, and while Roman half expected fireworks with Jackson again, by the time they were done and on the bus out to a restaurant, it pretty much seemed as though Devoll was going to let bygones be bygones. He hadn’t spoken a single word to Roman, hadn’t even so much as looked in his direction, so there was nothing to indicate that anything was amiss. Still...Roman just couldn’t shake that feeling.

The team ate at an Italian restaurant on the strip, and then the bus delivered them to their hotel. It was within walking distance of the casinos, but only about half the team was even old enough for that, so Coach Miller advised them all to just go to their rooms and go to bed. This sounded pretty good to Roman.

He’d hoped to room with Oliver or Aaron Henry, or maybe Justin Burke; all of them were friends of his. Instead, he’d been paired with Matt Collier, who was a Junior and already 21. Roman didn’t know him well; they obviously wouldn’t have any classes together and all they really seemed to have in common was football, but it could always have been worse. He could’ve wound up with Devoll or one of his cronies. 

Matt was already in their room when Roman made it up, and it wasn’t long before he’d dumped his bag onto his bed and headed back down again. He regarded Roman with a shrug.

“May never make it back to Vegas. Gotta take advantage,” he said as he headed towards the door. “You comin’, Girardi?”

“Naw, too young and I don’t feel so hot anyway,” Roman replied. “Got a cold or something, but you have fun. I’m gonna shower and watch SportsCenter. Order a pizza, maybe. Gotta rest up.”

“Okay...well, feel better, bro,” Matt said on his way out the door. “Don’t know what time I’ll be back in but I’ve got a key.”

Roman heard the door click as Matt left the room, so he opened up his duffel on the bed and began digging around for some pajama pants. The majority of his vacation clothes were coming out with his family the next day, but he’d still need a few things. 

As he stepped into the shower, he thought he heard the hotel room door close, but he couldn’t be sure. Collier must’ve forgotten something, he thought, as the hot water cascaded over his hair and down his back. It felt great; the steam loosened him up. Roman was ready for a little relaxation time. Glad he’d thought to bring his pajamas in with him since Matt was apparently in the room now, Roman toweled himself off and looked in the mirror.

He flexed his arms and his muscles danced; he was built and he knew it, not that he ever cared to flaunt it. Still, as he looked himself over, he wondered if he should perhaps get a tattoo. Maybe something to reflect his Samoan heritage. He knew his parents wouldn’t care and anyway he was old enough. How much did things like that cost? 

None of the Girardi boys were required to work; their parents were extremely generous and when they were younger, the purchase of things like new video games or expensive shoes came in exchange for doing chores around the house. Big things were generally saved for birthdays and holidays, although both parents were known to splurge every once in awhile. If there was something they really, truly wanted that their parents wouldn’t buy ($300 shoes, for example), they saved birthday and Christmas money. But Roman, Dean, and Seth had everything they needed and most of what they wanted, so generally Roman saved his money for things like taking Megan out, or buying new 49ers swag, or on things for his Jeep. 

He had about $500 saved up at that point, and he was considering what sort of tattoo that would buy him when he stepped out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, where immediately, there was a huge weight pressing against him, and then he was thrown onto his bed and something was on top of him.

“What the---Collier?” Roman managed to choke out. This wasn’t fucking funny. And then he heard a voice mutter,

“Nope.”

Devoll. 

“The fuck are you doing, man?” Roman tried to squirm but Jackson Devoll had a knee in his back. 

“I’m giving you a head’s up,” Devoll replied, and he connected his knee squarely into Roman’s ribs. It knocked the wind and the fight out of him, and he laid there struggling for breath.

“You know this is my last year to play,” Devoll went on. “And this is my last bowl game. And you, freshman, aren’t going to ruin it for me. You may have everyone else fooled but you and I both know that you’re going to crack under the pressure and if you do, I’m gonna take care of you.”

Roman coughed and sputtered, still unable to speak or even catch his breath, only able to moan and pant. Anger coursed through him, and finally he was able to inhale again as Jackson Devoll stood up, only to be brought back to a sputtering, breathless mess when another knee connected in the same place. Pain coursed through his side, and he briefly wondered if his ribs had cracked..

“I’m serious, Reigns,” he snarled again. “You better not go running to Mommy and Daddy on this, either, or there’ll be consequences.”

With that, Devoll tossed a key card onto the bed and sauntered out of Roman’s room.

It never occurred to Roman to be afraid until long after Devoll was gone; instead he laid on his bed for close to an hour, trying to catch his breath and calm himself down. Every time he moved, pain coursed through him. Hunger pangs gone, he looked down to see a huge, angry bruise already forming on his right side. It took him three tries to sit up. He didn’t quite know what to do now. 

He clearly needed at the very least ice, but if he went to see a trainer he’d have to explain what had happened and ratting Devoll out was the last thing he wanted to do. Roman didn’t think he could get his shirt on to go to the ice machine, but he figured he had to try. His family wasn’t there yet; they wouldn’t fly out until the next day and even then he didn’t know if he could show this to his mother. He never had mastered the art of hiding things, although he had tried many times. Lily always knew. She didn’t always press him, but if he showed up with a massive bruise on his rib cage, she was unlikely to let that go. 

Roman still couldn’t draw a deep breath and he couldn’t stop coughing, but he struggled his way into his tank top and dragged himself to his feet and down the hall. When he returned to his room, he curled up on his left side with the bag of ice, wrapped in a towel, resting on his rib cage. Every cough sent pain through him, and he had no cold medicine, but he did have Advil. He’d take some, he decided. At least it was something. 

It took Roman a long time to fall asleep after that. Every noise made him jump. Matt came in at about 2:30 am, and he used his own key card, which confused Roman even more. How had Jackson Devoll gotten in? How had he gotten a key? Clearly it hadn’t been from Matt if Matt still had his. 

He woke up startled to find that sunlight was streaming through the windows. His cough felt worse, deeper, or maybe that was just the bruises running down his side. The two things hardly went together. Matt was still asleep, so Roman opted to drag himself out of bed and inspect his injury.

The bruises were spreading and they were dark, almost black, but he was able to walk okay and aside from the color, he thought he looked pretty normal. There was no swelling and nothing sticking out where it shouldn’t. Roman sighed with relief. If he could just get his hand on some cough medicine, he might even make it through today. 

The team was to go work out at 9 am and then practice from 2-6. Roman was hoping that by then he could get ahold of one of his parents to get him some Robitussin or something. The bus was going to dinner at 7. His family’s flight would be in by 3, and he knew that Megan, at least, wanted to come out and watch the practice. There would be no opportunity to get help from his family until that evening. 

And by the time that evening rolled around, he really needed it.

Aching, cursing himself, he told Coach Miller that he didn’t feel well and begged for permission to go with his family back to the hotel instead of go out to eat with the team.

“Please, Coach...I just need some rest,” he groaned and his coach agreed, possibly because he felt sorry for Roman but more likely because he knew he needed Roman to play if he wanted to win. 

He’d felt relief when he looked up into the stands halfway through practice and seen Megan, Seth, and his father waving at him. Once it ended, the second he was within speaking distance, he called out to his dad,

“Hey, do you think we could go get me some Robitussin or Nyquil or something?”

Megan reached out to hug him and he sagged against her as his father considered him carefully, and then replied,

“Son, you sound awful. What’s going on? Is your cold worse?”

It wasn’t the cold so much as the pain in his ribs, but the coughing was exacerbating it, so he figured it wasn’t really a lie when he mumbled,

“Yeah, can’t stop coughing and I’ve gotta sleep tonight before the game.”

“Buddy, if you’re sick, maybe it would be better if you didn’t play---” Tony started to suggest, but Roman interrupted.

“No! No, I---I want to play, Dad, I’ll be okay, I just...I just need some Nyquil or some Robitussin or something. I’m sorry, I know you guys just got here, I was just hoping…” he trailed off.

“It’s okay, Roman,” his father said softly. “Let me call Mom, huh? I’m not sure what she brought. Hang on.”

As his father spoke to his mother, Roman could hear baby Finn crying in the background and he instantly began to feel sort of guilty. Here was his family, just off a flight, and he was being needy. He could walk somewhere; there had to be a convenience store. Just as he was about to tell his father never mind, though, Tony turned to him.

“Okay, Roman, we’ve got stuff. Why don’t you come back to our hotel and rest? You can hang out with us for a bit. Do you feel like eating? We were just going to go get some pizzas.”

Roman really didn’t feel like eating but no way was he going to pass on a chance to relax with his family. So he climbed into the back seat of the rental his parents had picked up at the airport. Megan reached across the seat and took his hand, and he offered her a weak smile.

“You sure you’re okay?” Roman’s girlfriend murmured soothingly. He sighed.

“I’m trying to be. I just...I’ll be okay.” 

Megan gave him a look. He could tell she didn’t buy it and she was about to open her mouth to speak but then Seth turned around.

“What kind of pizza sounds good? This place is supposed to have nearly everything!”

Upon arriving at the hotel, Roman was practically attacked by his mother, who hugged him so tight it hurt, and then he picked at his dinner. Dean and Seth peppered him with questions about the next day’s game. Before he knew it, it was time for his father to take him back to his own hotel. He didn’t want to leave, but it wasn’t really a choice; the game began at 11 am, and the bus would be leaving at 7 to head to the field. He’d have to get up by 6 if he wanted to snag some breakfast, so bottle of Nyquil in hand, he resolutely got up and followed his dad to the door. But before he left, Lily wrapped her arms around him and held on for maybe a moment longer than usual, and then she whispered,

“Roman, I want you to call me if you need anything. Do you understand me? Absolutely anything. I love you.”

He nodded into her neck and whispered,

“Love you, Mama.”

The next morning he woke up terrified.

He was still in pain; his ribs hurt, his shoulder ached, and his stomach whirled, although that was just nerves. The enormous bruise covering his abdomen was spreading out, which he knew was normal, but the look of it just freaked him out a little. He’d slept pretty well, thanks to a dose of cherry Nyquil, but he still felt like he’d just rather stay in bed. 

That was definitely not an option, though, so instead he dragged himself up and into the shower, then managed to get down some oatmeal and a banana before boarding the bus. Once the team arrived at the stadium, though, a ripple of excitement coursed through Roman. He was here. His very first bowl game, the Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl. There was already a ton of media there, largely, Roman figured, because it had been announced a couple of weeks back that this was the last year Royal Purple would sponsor a Bowl game. 

The team warmed up and as he got loose, Roman realized he was beginning to feel a little better; in fact, he was coughing less, although the cough still made his side hurt. It was a start, though, and he was happy for it. It wasn’t long before people started filing into the stadium and Roman was surprised to see all of the red and white; just how many Cougars fans had made the trip to Vegas anyway? Eventually he saw his own personal cheering squad, complete with their posterboard signs. Dean and Seth were jumping up and down and Megan was waving, and even Finn was all decked out in Cougar gear and he had his own tiny sign that Roman could just barely make out. It said “My uncle ROARS!” Roman grinned. 

As soon as the game started, it was tough. The University of Connecticut Huskies were a tough team, but Roman knew his own team wouldn’t be there if they didn’t deserve to be. It stayed tight until the end of the second half, when the Huskies pulled ahead by a field goal. Roman hadn’t had much rest time and he was tired and in pain by then, but one look at his family had him ready to give that extra push. 

There were seconds left on the clock when the coach pulled them into a huddle. 

“We can’t win on a field goal, guys. We have to try to set up for a touchdown; it’s the only way we can win. I know it’s a tough shot but it’s our only shot, so let’s do this.

Jackson Devoll, who’d not even made eye contact with Roman since the night he’d broken into Roman’s hotel room, stalked right up to him as soon as the huddle broke.

“This is your last chance, freshman,” he said fiercely before walking away without giving Roman a chance to respond. Seriously, what did Devoll expect him to do?

And then it happened.

Just like in the practice where Devoll had taken him down, potentially injuring his shoulder, the ball got away from the opposing team---Roman looked up and watched it and was startled to see that it was sailing right into his open arms. The clock was ticking and this time, it wasn’t just in fun. This time it really truly counted.

So just like in practice, he ran like hell.

Only now, he was doubly injured; he knew he didn’t have a good grip on the ball and his damaged ribs were screaming for mercy, and then the next thing he knew, the worst possible thing happened.

Roman began to cough.

He coughed with such force that he lost his footing and fell to the ground a mere 10 yards from the goal line. In doing so, he dropped the ball.

The game was over.

The Cougars had lost.

It was all Roman’s fault.


	131. Fallout

The team traipsed back to the locker room, sullen and silent. 

Roman couldn’t remember a time in his life when he’d felt more defeated; what had he done? He hung his head, unable to look anyone in the eye, trying to avoid having to talk to anyone. How could he face them? They’d all had such high hopes and Roman had dashed them. He’d dashed them all.

And you’d think his mental anguish would’ve been enough to distract him from his physical pain, but alas, such was not the case.

Roman’s entire body seemed to be screaming; he was having trouble drawing a deep breath from the pain in his abdomen, his shoulder throbbed, his head ached, and his eyes burned. He was biting back tears (Roman absolutely REFUSED to cry) as he opened his locker door and reached inside for a towel when he suddenly found himself being projected halfway into it, a heavy weight pinning him against the cold metal.

“I told you, freshman,” came Jackson Devoll’s voice. “I told you you’d better not fuck this up and now you’ve gone and done it. I’m gonna kick your ass.”

That was when something inside Roman just snapped. He didn’t know where this sudden burst of strength came from, but in a rush of muscle, he spun the both of them around and backed himself into Devoll hard, then turned and landed a punch right to the bigger player’s nose. But he didn’t stop there.

He grabbed Devoll by the jersey and slammed him into the lockers again. Devoll’s head bounced off the door with a satisfying thunk, but Roman didn’t stop.

“What. Is. Your. Problem?” Roman grunted, landing a punch with each word. He could feel other players trying to grab hold of him now but he shrugged them off. 

“I don’t know what I ever did to you, you fucking asshole,” Roman yelled. He brought up a knee into Jackson’s side.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve all of the special attention you’ve been giving me,” Roman continued, shoving Devoll back into the lockers again, “but it stops. RIGHT NOW.” 

Roman planted one final punch right into Jackson’s jaw before finally allowing the hands gripping him to pull him away. He could see that Devoll’s face looked like hamburger; bruises were already blossoming and blood leaked from his nose. He’d never been in a serious fight before, nevermind beat someone up, but Roman felt absolutely no remorse. This is what he SHOULD have done the night Devoll broke into his hotel room.

He saw Devoll sort of sprint away, followed by a few of his cronies. Roman barely registered that his knuckles were bloody, or that he was gasping for air, or that the rest of the team was standing there with their mouths open in shock.

As was...his coach.

“Come with me, Roman,” Coach Miller said quietly, tone dark. Adrenaline gone, Roman hung his head once more and followed the older man down a hall and into his makeshift office.

“One of you go get Devoll,” he motioned to one of his assistants, Coach Linck, who nodded and took off.

Roman sat down with his hands folded in his lap and waited.

“I know that this game was disappointing,” Coach Miller began and Roman nodded. “But you, Roman, are the very last person I’d expect this extreme lack of sportsmanship from. You’ve never been anything but a leader on this team and I know that’s hard when guys like Devoll seem set to wreck you. If Jackson decides to report this to the university you’re going to be in deep shit, son. So if there’s anything you’d like to tell me right now, you need to spill it.”

Roman sat there for a moment, stunned that his coach apparently HAD noticed that Devoll was a piece of shit. Why hadn’t he said anything? Hell, why hadn’t Roman---well. Roman knew his own reasoning. And what was he supposed to do and say now? It wasn’t as though he could make up a story, but he couldn’t just say nothing---he knew how much trouble he was potentially in---however, would his coach believe the truth?

With a deep breath, Roman slowly lifted his jersey to reveal the bruises.

Coach Miller looked him over.

“Devoll did this to you?”

Roman nodded miserably.

“Why didn’t you come to one of us? Or a trainer? That looks bad, son.”

“Because...he broke into my room, only he didn’t break in because he had his own key. He got me from behind, kneed me in the side, then just left. It sounds ridiculous even saying it now; I didn’t think anyone would even believe me,” Roman’s voice was barely above a whisper. “And I knew Jackson would just deny it; it’s his word against mine.”

“You still should’ve said something, son,” Coach Miller said gravely. 

At that moment, Coach Linck showed up with Jackson Devoll in tow. A kind of quiet pride flowed through Roman when he saw the state of Devoll’s face. He really had pulverized the asshole.

“What’s he doing here?” Devoll snapped at the sight of Roman. “After what he did to me he needs to be arrested."

Panic coursed through Roman then; would he really be arrested? He HAD assaulted someone and he WAS 18…

“Devoll, you’re more than welcome to call the police right now and ask to press charges against Girardi,” Coach Miller proclaimed and another wave of nauseating fear swept over Roman. “Of course, you do that and Girardi here will have no choice to tell them about how you’ve been hazing him all semester and how you broke into his room and assaulted him.”

“Huh?” Jackson Devoll stood there, mouth slightly agape, and Roman honestly thought for a moment that he was going to pretend he had no idea what the coach was talking about until the older boy continued,

“He can do that?”

“You’ve been harassing him, Devoll,” Coach Miller said. “Breaking and entering is a crime. And just look at him; his ribs are mush. That’s assault too. Not to mention this school has a strict hazing policy. Seems to me that you’re better off working this out on your own than getting the cops or the administration involved. Your call, though.”

Jackson Devoll looked as though he’d been knocked down a few pegs. 

“I’ll---I’ll think about it,” he said, before turning and practically running out of the office. The coach looked at Roman.

“He’s a good player but he’s as dumb as a box of rocks,” he said and for the first time, Roman smiled a little.

“He’s been messing with me since I started,” he told his coach quietly. “I don’t know why; I’ve never done or said anything to him, he just---”

“But you did, son,” the coach interrupted. “You came in with all of your talent and charisma and confidence and you scared him. And he responded...well, the way any big dumb animal would respond. He tried to get you. And you let him.”

Roman sighed.

“You knew?”

“I didn’t know details but yeah. Because Devoll’s done this before and you’re his type of target. But I figured if it got bad enough you’d tell me. Sometimes it’s better for me to just let players work their own stuff out. It’s a lot like parenting that way.”

Roman laughed openly now.

“So...how much trouble am I in?”

“I’m going to have to suspend you, Roman. The NCAA has rules and I’m honor bound to follow them. Lucky for you the season is over so you’ll likely just sit the first game or two next season. Devoll won’t be around anymore; he’s graduating. You’ll probably lose your scholarship though…”

“Oh, that’s okay,” Roman said without thinking. “I mean...I mean, it’s not okay, and I deserve that, I just mean that I’ve got academics too so...so I get it. But...I’m not like...off the team or anything?”

“Off the team? Girardi, you’re one of the main reasons the team made it this far. And you...look. Guys like Devoll are a dime a dozen. They come in, they play, they’re good for just that---playing. Guys like you I can’t get enough of. You’ve got talent, sure, but you’ve also got guts and the right attitude and you’re a natural leader. You may have screwed up today, but today’s over when it ends. Tomorrow is a clean slate. If I were you, I’d go home. I’d talk to your parents, enjoy the rest of your winter break, and then come to my office the first day back so we can discuss specifics. But I wouldn’t worry too much about it and I wouldn’t worry too much about Devoll.”

Relief washed over him; he knew he wasn’t out of trouble, far from it, but his coach’s assertion that he would be okay meant a great deal. Suddenly aware of how much everything still hurt, he wished his coach a Happy New Year and excused himself. He gathered his things and headed out to his father, who was patiently waiting.

“Everything okay, son?” Tony asked him quizzically.

“No...no, it’s not,” Roman admitted. “But I think it will be. C’mon. I’ll explain in the car.

 

____________________________

 

By 3 pm that day, the family was back at their hotel. Roman got straight into their parents’ bed, pulled the comforter up around him, and went to sleep. Dean watched, pained, but he knew that what his brother needed the most was just to be left to sleep and that he’d probably feel better once he got to rest. So he focused his attention elsewhere.

Namely Finny and his new bathing suit.

Dr. Elliott had told Dean that it was okay to take Finn in the hotel pool for short periods of time. Of course, he had to watch closely to make sure that he didn’t get too cold or have some sort of reaction to the chlorine, but Dean wasn’t terribly concerned, and Finn absolutely loved water. 

Dean really felt as though Finn was meant to be born under the water sign, Aquarius, actually, because of his son’s comfort in water. He had always loved his bath. He’d had two ear infections and a minor cold since birth and putting him in the tub never failed to soothe him. 

In fact, just two nights ago, Dean had opened up Finn’s brand new bathtub toys, the ones that had been in his stocking for Christmas, and allowed Finn to check them out. They were jungle themed, and Dean couldn’t help but make the animal sounds as he handed each one to Finn.

“Ooooh oooh ah ah!” Dean squealed as he offered Finn a small monkey. Finn’s face lit up; if this was a new game, then he was going to be ready to play it.  
He squeezed the monkey and then stuck it into his mouth before waving his hands around and letting go, causing the monkey to fly through the air and land in the water with a splash.

Dean wondered for a moment if this would frustrate his son, but indeed, all Finn did was strain to reach the next toy. 

So Dean offered him a tiger and roared along while Finn smiled and smiled and man, those dimples, and as Dean played with his son, it hit him for about the trillionth time how lucky he was.

And then it happened.

As Finn, enthralled now with the elephant he was holding, inspected his new toy, his daddy made a loud, ridiculous elephant-style trumpeting noise.

At first Finn looked up, eyes wide, and Dean was sure he’d gone too far until...his baby erupted into laughter.

Dean froze. Finn had never laughed before. But the second Dean stopped, Finn stopped too, and Dean loved his baby’s laugh so much that he didn’t ever want it to stop so he made another elephant noise and once again, Finn cracked up.

“SETH!” Dean hollered quickly. “Come quick and BRING YOUR PHONE!!!”

“What! What’s happening?!” Mere moments later Seth burst into the bathroom, to find Dean excitedly sitting beside the tub.

“Watch this. Record it!” Dean commanded and Seth obliged.

Dean made the elephant sound again. Finn paused and then a huge belly laugh began to tumble out of him. This made Seth laugh so hard he sank to his knees, camera rolling, and when Finn saw that he had the power to cause THAT, it was over.

Peels of baby laughter rang out through the room, punctuated by uncontrollable giggles by Finn’s father and uncle, which caught Lily’s attention and she wandered to the door. 

“What on earth?” Their mother asked, to the sheer delight of her boys.

“You’ve gotta see this, Mom!” Seth exclaimed, and Dean made the elephant noise yet again. A moment later, she was laughing too.

“Oh, my goodness, little man,” she cooed. “Is that so funny? Huh Finn? Is your daddy so funny? Hey, Tony!”

Before long every available member of the Girardi family was crammed into the bathroom watching a show starring the one and only Finn. And the baby was eating it up.

Now, back at the pool, Dean laid him on a towel and tried to wrestle him into his swimming suit. Finn may not have been born under the water sign, but he WAS a Leo, so his suit had a lion on the rear end, which Dean found irresistible. 

His tiny trunks barely covered the bulky plastic swimming diaper he had to wear, which was funny enough, but then Finn began arching so his booty was sticking up in the air, almost like he was trying to crawl like an inchworm. Getting Finn dressed into anything tended to be a chore; the boy liked being naked almost as much as he enjoyed water, but you had to really careful with that because leaving him uncovered too long was almost always good for a shower.

About the time Finn was ready to get into the water, Megan appeared at the pool.

“Oh my GOD, how adorable is he?” She was gushing, but she still seemed a little cross. 

“Yeah...he’s pretty damn adorable,” Dean agreed with a grin. “Handsome devil, he is. Right, buddy?”

Finn was paying no attention to his father, though. Instead he had his eye on the water and was whining and reaching his arms out towards it.

“He knows what that is,” Tony grinned too. “Here. Give him to me. You get in and I’ll hand him off.”

As fun as Finn’s first swimming experience had been, his very first snow experience a couple of days later was just as good. 

Lily and Tony had bought him a new blue snow suit and once he was bundled in it, he resembled a small, blue Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, a fact that had Dean laughing. Finn grumbled a little, until Dean stood him up so he could see himself in the mirror, and then he was instantly curious. He reached towards the mirror and tapped it, confused when the baby in the reflection mimicked his movements but couldn’t actually be touched.

The family had made it to the second leg of their trip. There would be no skiing until the next day, but no way was Dean going to miss out on a chance to play in the snow with his boy and his brothers. Even if Seth couldn’t ski, he could still make snow angels and help build a snowman and he was happy to keep Finn when everyone else hit the slopes. Everyone was excited. Even Roman seemed to be feeling considerably better. 

So they all bundled up in their snow clothes, Finn in extra layers because Dean didn’t want him to get cold, and out they went. The cold air hit his face and his cheeks immediately became rosy, but he didn’t cry or even whimper. Dean passed him to Roman for a moment, then laid down in the snow and began to move his arms and legs up and down. 

“Look, Finny,” he called. “Come make a snow angel!”

At first, Finn didn’t at all care to be on his back in the snow---he still hated laying on his back---but then Dean grabbed his legs and gently wiggled them side to side. This caused Finn to giggle just a little, so he went for the arms next. Pretty soon a tiny snow angel was there in the snow next to Dean’s larger one. 

Dean just grinned.

Later that night after dinner, the family sat together. This time their parents had rented a cabin, and Tony had a fire going in the fireplace. They’d made popcorn and hot chocolate, and they took turns passing around Finn, who was completely exhausted and sound asleep.

“I can’t wait for tomorrow,” Roman said suddenly, and he smiled. He’d been reserved the past couple of days, but Dean didn’t think that was too bad. He knew the game had been a terrible blow for his brother, but it was over now. 

“I’m so glad we did this,” Lily agreed. “I wish you could ski, bub, but honestly, it’s just nice being here all together.”

“Agreed,” Tony said. “What do you guys think about upcoming trips? Anything anyone wants to do? Have you been thinking about your weekends away?”

“Wait, what’s the schedule again?” Seth wondered.

“In February, I’m taking Roman the weekend of the third and Daddy’s taking Dean the weekend of the 17th,” Lily began. 

“Yes, and then in March, I’m taking you, Seth, the first weekend, and Mom is taking Dean the last weekend. We need to decide what we’d like to do over Spring Break though,” Tony chimed in.

“And then for April, I’m taking Seth the third weekend, and Dad is taking Roman the first weekend. And Easter falls in between,” Lily finished.

“Which, we’ll talk about that,” Tony said. “I know we haven’t always done much around Easter since you boys have always been older, but we kind of thought it might be fun to have a celebration this year. Maybe invite the Baldwins out and do an egg hunt with the little ones.”

Dean laughed.

“Dad, Finn won’t be able to walk yet. I mean I think it’s a good idea but he’s not going to be hunting for eggs.”

“You’ll help him,” Tony rebutted. “And he’ll have fun no matter what.”

Dean nodded.

“That’s true. So I know that for my weekend with you, Dad, I want to try tent camping again. It might be a little cold but we’ve got all the equipment and it doesn’t usually rain in February. We can still hike and stuff and make a fire. It’ll be fun. Roughin’ it,” Dean grinned up at Tony, whose expression seemed pleased.

“Now for Mama,” Dean paused for dramatic effect; he’d really been thinking about this. “With Mama, I want to decide on a city, the where part doesn’t really matter as much, and I want to take our cameras and go on a photography excursion.”

“A photography excursion? I’m intrigued…” Lily grinned at him. “What does that entail exactly?”

“We just decide on a location and then pick places around the area to go and try and find cool photography,” Dean replied. “If you want we could even make a competition out of it, like the rest of the family could be the judges or something when we get back…”

“Sweetie, that sounds so fun!” Lily laughed. “But no way am I competing with you in photography.”

Dean blushed.

“How about you, Roman, Seth?” Tony asked them. Seth smiled a little.

“Well, I kind of...on my weekend with you, Dad, the Spurs are playing the Thunder in Oklahoma City…”

“And you want to go?” 

Seth nodded.

“I thought maybe...I mean I’ve never been there, and it might not really be within driving distance, but I was thinking that we could go up...the game is on Friday night. The arena is right near this thing called Bricktown which looks like it’s like the River Walk only much smaller, but there’s all kinds of hotels and restaurants. Then there’s this city called Stillwater about an hour north of there that has this restaurant called Eskimo Joe’s. They’re supposed to be famous for their cheese fries…”

“So Seth wants to go to Oklahoma for basketball and cheese fries...I love it,” Tony’s eyes sparkled. “Let’s do it.”

Throughout the conversation Roman remained attentive but silent and Lily rested her hand on his arm.

“How about you, kiddo? What do you think you’d like to go do or try?”

“I...don’t know,” Roman said softly. “I haven’t really...I guess I figured I’d better get through that game before I started thinking about it…”

“Totally acceptable,” Tony agreed, and then he smiled at his sons.

“This is gonna be wicked. I can’t wait.”

The next day was wicked as well, though not quite in a way that any of them anticipated.

They got up early the next morning after a great night’s sleep and Lily, Tony, Roman, and Dean went off to the slopes. When they left, Seth was still in bed, a little bleary-eyed, but watching cartoons and Finn was snuggled up with him. Both seemed content to stay where it was warm and cozy.

They did a few practice runs first, and it all went well. Lily and Tony were teasing each other as they coasted to a stop at the bottom of the slope, and Dean, who had gone first that run, pretended to break it up.

“Too old my ass,” crowed Tony, while Lily pretended to punch him, and Dean dove in between.

“Play nice, kids!” 

They were laughing together as they watched Roman take off from the top of the hill. There was nothing to indicate anything was wrong; he’d taken several runs by then and looked just fine. But as he picked up speed, he seemed to lose his balance, and then, to Dean’s horror, his older brother flipped forward and rolled, head over heels, the rest of the way down the slope.

He was already trying to struggle to his feet when his family got to him, a great sign, Dean thought with relief, but still...still. That was something Dean would’ve done or maybe Seth, but Roman’s athleticism usually prevented blunders like that. 

“What happened, Rome?” Dean asked, expecting to hear something like a loose ski or hitting a rock. He was a little disconcerted when Roman simply muttered,

“I don’t know.”

“Does anything hurt, kiddo?” Lily asked him gently. “Can you move everything?”

“Yeah...I...yeah…” Roman shook his head, as though trying to get rid of the cobwebs. Then he leaned over and spit blood into the snow.

“I think I bit my tongue,” he said.

Tony and Dean helped him out of his skis.

“C’mon,” Tony said, wrapping a steady arm around Roman. “It’s a good time for a break anyway. Let’s go get Seth and Finn and get some lunch. We can regroup this afternoon.”

Roman nodded and stumbled along with Tony, Lily and Dean hurrying behind them, all the way back to the cabin.


	132. Correspondance

Shortly after Finn turned 5 months old was about the time he realized that if he laid on his back, he was flexible enough to actually stick his feet into his mouth. Lily realized this by accident one day when she left Finn on his tummy playing with his soft squishy ball. She was gone long enough to put the last load of laundry into the dryer, and when she came back, there was her grandson stretched out on his back sucking on his toes. 

If a person could actually die laughing she probably would have. 

“Enjoy this,” she warned him as she sat down next to him and patted his booty. “There will come a time when this is no longer socially acceptable. And your daddy is going to want you to do this for your next photo shoot, too, so make sure you get lots of practice.”

As much stress as this new little family member had added to the mix, Lily wouldn’t have changed it. Not any of it. She cherished this time with her grandson; she knew Dean hated being away from him, but it gave her a quiet sense of pride that he trusted her with his little boy. And she knew that these moments wouldn’t last forever; some day they’d be out on their own and while Lily didn’t think any of her boys had any long term plans to leave the area, one could never know. 

It was about this time that she also began to realize that something wasn’t quite right with Roman.

Lily and Tony knew all about his problems with one of his teammates; before they even left Las Vegas, they sat with him in their hotel room and listened as he spilled his guts.

“Oh, Roman,” Lily had murmured, taking his hand. He’d squeezed it and hung his head.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I know...I know you guys don’t want us fighting and I swear I didn’t plan it or anything like that; it just happened, and I wish I could change it. I’m sorry I disappointed you…”

When he looked back up at them, there were tears in his eyes, and Lily felt her eyes well up too.

“Roman, it’s not that, buddy,” Tony began. “I mean you’re right; fighting isn’t a great answer, but I think you know that. Sometimes we all lose our cool. Us trying to shame you isn’t going to fix any of this, and we don’t WANT you to be ashamed, it’s just…” he’d trailed off and looked over at Lily.

“You should’ve told us, Ro,” she finished quietly, reaching out to gently wipe away the tear that had trickled out of his eye. “You’re 18. You’re an adult, it’s true. But Dad and I are ALWAYS going to be your parents and no matter how old you get, there will never come a time when we aren’t going to help you.”

“I know. I know that, but at first it really felt like nothing,” Roman explained. “At first it was just dumb little stuff that honestly if you think about it was kind of funny, or it would’ve been if it wasn’t happening to me. I mean it was pranks. Nothing ever hurt me; I’d pull some of it on Dean and Seth. Some of it I HAVE pulled on Dean and Seth. I guess the difference is they know it’s all for fun. But it didn’t start getting bothersome until right before Christmas and we were all so busy, and it all happened so fast once we got there. I wish I knew how my last name used to be Reigns but aside from that, it didn’t seem like any big deal. Seniors mess with Freshmen all the time.”

“When you’re a Senior are you going to pick on a Freshman?” Lily asked him gently, and his face had gone slack for a second. For a few moments there was nothing but silence, but then he whispered,

“No. No, I wouldn’t. Not like that.”

“Exactly, so if you wouldn’t treat someone that way, why should you be treated that way?”

“I know. I know I should’ve said something; that’s what Coach Miller said too. I’m...I’m really so sorry, Mom, Dad, I really am.”

Lily hugged him then, careful to mind his ribs that still looked pretty painful.

“It’s okay, Ro. It’s okay, baby. Everything’s gonna be fine.”

“Are we going to need to hire you an attorney, Roman?” Tony spoke up then, and Lily glared at him.

“No...no, I don’t think so,” Roman whispered. “Because Coach Miller told Devoll that if he pursued legal action against me, I’d have to press assault charges too, and that it’d be a waste of time and we just need to stay away from each other. But...I’m probably going to lose my scholarship.”

“When?” Tony still seemed harsh; Lily understood but at the same time, Roman was clearly remorseful.

“I...don’t know,” his voice was barely coherent now. “I can still apply for academics for next year. But I don’t know about the Spring semester...am I going to have to drop out?”

“No, of course not,” Tony replied. “We’ve got a college fund. We’ll take care of it.”

And that had been the end of the conversation.

Since then, Roman had seemed a little less like himself every day. He’d taken that horrible spill while skiing, but by the next morning he was just fine, save for a little sore. He even skied a little more, though Lily did notice he was also keen to spend some extra time with Seth and the baby on occasion. 

They were home now, though, and about to go back to school, and Roman was definitely slipping.

It was small things, mostly. 

For example, Roman had always been meticulous about taking care of his hair. He still washed it and kept it clean, but Lily began to notice that slowly, his bun would become messier and loose. 

He’d sported a goatee for almost a year now, but suddenly a full beard began to grow.

It took him 5 times as long as usual to help care for the horses and other animals. 

It took him 10 times as long to tie his shoes.

The final straw came when she heard him in the kitchen one morning, cussing up a storm. When she went to investigate, she found him desperately but unsuccessfully trying to peel an orange.

“What’s wrong, Ro?” Lily approached him and took the fruit from his sticky paws. 

“I can’t...it’s like I can’t get a good grip on it,” he muttered, shaking his right arm. 

Lily peeled his orange for him while he washed his hands, and then she motioned him over to the table. 

“Roman, let me see your hand,” she commanded, and he offered it up. “Good. Now I want you to squeeze my hand as hard as you can.”

When he did, she could barely feel it. 

“Give it all you’ve got, buddy,” she instructed gently. 

“I am,” came the frustrated reply.

“Baby, you’re barely touching me…”

“Well, it’s like...it’s not numb. I can feel it just fine, I just can’t...like...control it very well.”

“How long has this been happening, kiddo?” Lily asked, already thinking she knew where this was going.

“Since I fell skiing. I mean a couple of days later I guess? I thought it would go away as it healed but it’s just getting worse,” Roman sighed weakly. “What’s wrong with me, Mom?”

“I don’t know, baby...seems like you may have damaged your brachial nerve. Or maybe your trapezius...we need to get you to a doctor though I think.”

For the first time, Roman looked genuinely scared.

“No...I don’t think it’s that serious, is it?”

“I don’t know, kiddo, but we need to check it out,” Lily began. She was surprised when Roman jumped to his feet.

“No, I’m sure it’ll be fine, Mom. Thanks for worrying about me, but...I’ll be fine.” 

With that, he left the kitchen.

Lily sighed. 

He was a bonafide adult now, and she couldn’t force him to see a doctor. But she knew she’d have to keep working on him, because if she was right and he had a nerve injury, it was unlikely to heal on its own. Neither Lily nor Tony had ever been the “our house, our rules type.” But it seemed as though suddenly, it may be time.

 

_____________________________________

 

Megan could feel tension radiating off of her boyfriend, and she hated it. 

She knew his arm was bugging him. She knew he was having trouble getting a firm grasp on things, ever since he’d apparently fallen while skiing, although he admitted to her one night that in truth, it had started bothering him after that idiot Jackson Devoll had tackled him, and since his fall it was getting worse and worse.

His stubbornness didn’t help. 

“WHY aren’t you listening to your mother?” Megan asked him, frustrated, one evening while they ran together. It had been a couple of months since her final chemo treatment, and she was feeling really good, but it was taking forever to get her strength back all the way. She and Roman went on jogs frequently; it was one of the things she could easily do. Sometimes she tired easily but for the most part she could hang with her boyfriend for at least half an hour. 

“My mother overreacts,” Roman grumbled, focused on his breathing. “You said so yourself.”

Megan inwardly cringed. It was true; she had said that. After the bowl game, when Roman had returned to his parents’ room and crawled into bed, Megan had wanted nothing more than to lay beside him and comfort him. Unfortunately, his mother wanted the same thing. 

_Roman sat silently on the back seat next to Megan. He’d just given them the Cliff Notes version of what had happened and Megan was raging on the inside, though outwardly she tried to appear calm. She picked up Roman’s hand and squeezed it gently. Roman didn’t squeeze back. Megan sighed.  
She knew he was ashamed and that stung, because in her mind, he was a hero whether the game was won or lost. And even if you wanted to place blame for the loss, it hardly fell to Roman. But Megan knew he would never see it that way._

_No one would ever be able to place more pressure on Roman than he placed on himself._

_When they returned to the hotel, he went straight to bed, hidden in the safety of the blankets. His eyes closed instantly, but Megan knew he wasn’t really asleep. As the others around her began to change into their swimsuits, she prepared herself instead to sit by Roman’s side. Throughout their relationship they’d seen each other through plenty of obstacles without complaint. This, she knew, was probably relatively minor compared to her cancer or him nearly losing both Dean and Seth, but she still wanted give him an outlet for his pain. She wanted to gently rub his back, hold his hand, and watch over him while he slept, the way he had done for her so many times._

_Instead, she got shut down. She was sitting on the floor beside the bed, gently rubbing the back of her boyfriend’s hand, when his mother came in from the bathroom._

_“Hey, Meg, why don’t you go on down and swim?” Lily suggested, and while her voice held no malice whatsoever, Megan could also tell that this wasn’t going to be open for discussion._

_“Well...I thought I’d stay with him for a bit. Just so I know he’s okay,” she murmured, smiling softly at her beloved._

_“Mmm’okay,” Roman groaned, and then he began to cough again. Lily got up and came back with a bottle of Robitussin. She measured some out and then handed it to Megan to help Roman drink. He grumbled at the taste but drank it all down, and then settled back into the bed._

_“I love you,” Megan whispered to Roman, and he sighed._

_“Love you too…”_

_Lily’s smile was soft._

_“You two make me so happy,” she murmured. “I’m so happy you found each other.”_

_“Me too,” Megan whispered._

_As Roman dozed, she continued,_

_“We’ve talked about getting married. Some day.”_

_Lily smiled again._

_“Some day...some day is good. Like...after college?”_

_This startled Megan a little; they hadn’t really pegged an exact time, but she really wasn’t sure she wanted to wait until they finished college. Why wait when you know? On the other hand, while they discussed it frequently, there had been no actual proposal…_

_“I...don’t know,” Megan admitted._

_“Well...you guys are very young yet,” Lily leaned over and kissed Roman’s forehead. “I’m happy you guys have each other, but I admit the thought of my baby getting married is just...daunting.”_

_“I bet,” Megan whispered. “But he’s not a baby anymore…”_

_“He’s not a baby,” Lily agreed, and her tone was difficult to read. It wasn’t threatening by any means, or angry, or anything like that. More like it was...determined._

_“But he’s always going to be my baby,” she continued. “Until the day he dies, he’s going to be my child.”_

_Megan just nodded, and then she got up and changed into her bathing suit. She was confused though. Although the conversation had been pleasant enough, she still couldn’t help feel as though she had been somehow challenged._

 

_________________________________________

 

Right after the winter break ended and everyone headed back to school, Dean got a letter from Jessie.

Or rather, Finn did.

She’d written it to their son, although Dean wasn’t sure he really appreciated the idea of the use of the word “their.” He hardly felt like he shared this child with her anymore. It was something that he battled with himself on almost daily. Sure, Jessie had carried Finn but it should come as no surprise that Dean believed that you had to do a lot more than that to be a mother. 

At the same time, all she’d done was left. She hadn’t done one tenth of the awful things to Finn that Shelby had done to Dean. She wasn’t a raging alcoholic who constantly endangered Finn, the way Lisa had Roman. And she’d left Finn with his loving father, incredible grandparents, and amazing uncles, not an abusive tyrant, the way Adria had left Seth. So if she was going to leave, at least she’d gone with the best possible web of family love for Finn. 

Speaking of Finn, he, at that very moment, was trying his hardest to roll from his front to his back.

He had mastered rolling from back to front months ago, when he’d realized he hated laying on his back, but now that he had a newfound love of sucking on his feet (and Dean wasn’t sure that was all that sanitary but who was he to interfere in the baby’s happiness?), he’d begun to try to roll the other way. Only he stunk at it.

This frustrated Finn to no end. He could lift himself up on his arms, but his lower half just would. Not. Move. No matter what he tried. So he’d get kind of twisted and then he’d lay there half on his side, half on his belly, and squeal until someone came to his rescue.

Dean watched this as he re-read the letter for what had to have been the 100th time.

_Dear Finn,_

_Merry Christmas!_

_The last time I saw you, you weighed less than 5 pounds. You’re growing into such a big, beautiful, handsome boy. You’ve had your first Christmas, sweet pea, and I know how much that means to a Girardi. I’m so glad your daddy sent me those photos. I can’t believe how much you look like him._

_I know you’re too young to remember who I am or to recognize me, but I’m sending you a pic of me too, just in case you wonder when you’re older what I look like. I also know that explaining things to you is useless at this point in time, but I’m going to because I pray you keep this letter and read it again when you are older._

_You need to know that I didn’t leave because of you and I didn’t leave because of your dad. I love you more than the world itself, both of you, and that will never, ever change. But I had no idea what I was doing, Finn, and I was so afraid that you’d end up getting hurt. I knew that it would be better for you if you never even knew me. And the truth is I also felt it was better for me if I never got to know you. I know that makes me a coward, and that’s a badge I’ll have to wear every day of my life, and maybe I didn’t do the right thing but for right now, it is. It’s right._

_That doesn’t mean I don’t love you, or that I don’t want to know all about you, Finn. I hope that someday we’ll get to a point where we understand each other. I know that won’t be for a very long time, baby boy, and I have no intention of ever trying to interfere between you and your daddy---he loves you so intensely that sometimes I think it actually hurts him. I could see it in his eyes the second you were born. You have a wonderful father, and he’s the best person in the world to be your dad._

_I don’t know if you know this, but you have a third uncle. His name is Brett and he has autism. He’s another part of the reason I couldn’t stay, baby boy. It was an awful choice but you have so many people to love you and care for you. Brett just has me. And maybe I’ll end up being as awful for him as I’m convinced I would’ve been for you, I don’t know, but I had to try because for him, no one else would have._

_Another thing you need to know: when all of this starts to make sense, you have every right to be angry with me. And your dad does too. I deserve that. And I know there are not adequate words to explain. You don’t have to forgive me. I pray that someday when we’re both adults we can sit down and talk about all of this, but if you never want to give me the time of day again I’ll certainly understand. I’m apologizing anyway. Finn, I’m so, so sorry. I wish things could be different. I wish I could be different. But you’re going to have the most amazing, jubilant childhood. Never forget that I love you. And tell your daddy that I love him too. I hope to see more of you, my baby boy. I have so many hopes and dreams for you, but the thing is, I know you’ll grow to be anything you want to be, because you’re your father’s child, and if you’re one tenth as determined as he is, you’ll have no other choice but to succeed._

_I love you.  
Love,  
Jessie_

With a sigh, Dean folded the letter back up again and stuck it in his pocket. He knew damn well that it was every bit as much for him as it was for Finn, and he was feeling...well, completely mixed up. 

He was furious, first of all---how dare she just apologize like nothing really happened? How dare she try to justify her actions? How dare she try to butter him up? But then...she was probably right about Brett. He resented that she hadn’t talked to him about it; surely they could’ve come up with something together. And the most frustrating part was, he still loved her. He was not supposed to love her anymore. 

But he did.


	133. Valentino's Day

Shortly before Valentine’s Day, Tony sent Lily out with Cici and several of their other girlfriends to one of those drink-wine-and-paint parties that were all the rage these days. Lily argued that she was useless at painting, and furthermore, she didn’t like wine, but Tony insisted and it didn’t take much for her to cave. 

Much as she loved looking after Finn during the day, she needed some adult time and Tony knew this.

As soon as she was out the door, Tony gathered his boys around the kitchen table. 

“Family meeting, guys,” he said.

Dean was already there, feeding Finn rice cereal. It’d been a few weeks since this began, and the baby absolutely loved it. He’d sit like a tiny baby bird with his mouth open, and if Dean didn’t stuff the spoon in quickly enough, Finn would grab it and do it for him. Except he wasn’t really too skilled with a spoon yet, so he usually wound up smearing it all over his face instead. It was super adorable and incredibly messy, but Finn always looked so pleased with himself that you could hardly get annoyed. 

Dean looked up.

“We can’t have a family meeting without Mom, can we?” He quickly turned his attention back to the baby, who happily took another mouthful. A tiny bit oozed back down his chin.

“Not under ordinary circumstances,” Tony said. “But this family meeting is ABOUT Mom. More specifically, how we’re gonna surprise Mom.”

“You can’t surprise Mom,” Seth had joined them and was seated across from Dean, Bears cap backwards on his head. Tony smiled at him; with his full beard and long hair, he looked like an adult now instead of a 17-year-old.

“Mom always knows when we’re up to something.”

“That’s for sure,” Roman agreed, pulling up a chair beside Dean and making a silly face at Finn. Finn giggled, and cereal shot out of his mouth.

“Hey, dude!” Dean exclaimed, and Tony had a feeling it was at both his son and his brother. With a laugh of his own, he grabbed a towel and handed it to his middle son.

“Okay, guys, here’s the deal,” he began, taking his own seat between Roman and Seth.

“We have a very busy, special month of May coming up. Two birthdays, two graduations…”

Seth cut in.

“And you and Mom’s anniversary!”

“Twenty-five years!” Dean added.

“Is that what this is about, Dad? Are we going to try and surprise Mama for your anniversary?” Seth was practically bouncing on his seat.

“Yes. Yes, we are. In fact, I’m counting on your mom to be so focused on those other things that she doesn’t really give our anniversary a ton of thought, so we should be able to put something fun together. I’ve been thinking about a surprise party.”

“Big or small?” Dean immediately wanted to know, and Tony looked around the table at his captivated sons. Even Finn, mouth wide open, seemed to have paused to hear the plan.

“Well big, but the problem with big is that the more people who know, the harder it’ll be to keep it from her,” Tony said. “But I was thinking we could find a venue and book a band. Dean, I’ll want you to take pictures of course, but I’ll also want another photographer on hand to help fill in the gaps because we’ll need you in the pictures too. If you know of anyone I’m all ears. We’ll have food and a dance floor and I was thinking maybe we could renew our vows.”

“How will we lure her there?” Roman mused.

“Wait...your anniversary is before the rest of the stuff...what if...OOOH!” Seth jumped up. “We could tell her we want to celebrate the end of Roman’s first year of college! We can figure out how to go separately so some of us can be there ahead of time or maybe we get Megan to ask her to get their nails done beforehand? OR we ask Natalie and Audrey. Or all three.”

“Yes!” Dean exclaimed. “How do we decorate?”

“Glad you asked, Deano,” Tony replied. “Phase one of the plan is this: we need to take family pictures. Do you guys realize that we’ve never had family pictures done? Save for what we’ve gotten someone else to take for us on vacations or whatever?”

“But...who? I don’t think I know anyone I would really trust…” Dean mused.

“Well, I kind of thought maybe you could take all of the photos that you’re not in. There’ll be plenty; I want group pictures but I also want just me and Mom, Roman and Megan, Seth and Valentino, me and Mom with Finn...just as many breakdowns as we can think of. Then I’ll blow them up all different sizes and we’ll hang them on the walls of wherever we do this. So Mom is handy with a camera; she can take pictures of you boys and you and Finn, and then maybe if you pose the family pics, Megan could snap them?”

“Yeah...yeah, that could work…” Dean was grinning from ear to ear now. “I’ve got to hand it to you, Dad. This is a damn good idea.”

“Mom will faint,” Roman added.

“God I hope---I mean not that she faints; I just hope we can really pull this off. Your mother is pretty astute...and none of us are great at keeping things from her. It’d be the party of a lifetime...and then, get this, in June? After all of the other big events are done? I’m going to take her to Paris.”

All three boys grinned.

“She’ll love it, Dad,” Seth laughed. “But are you really going to trust us three back here alone?”

“Hmmm...no, but I do trust Megan and the twins,” Tony shot back with a mischeivous grin. “They’ll keep you three in line.”

At that moment, Finn picked up his cereal bowl and tossed it into Roman’s lap.

“Is this your way of telling us you’re done?” Roman asked the baby, tickling his belly. Finn chirped out a giggle before turning red in the face and straining.

“Ooooh, daddy, that’s your cue,” he said, passing the baby to Dean.

Dean just shook his head.

“Every day is Christmas around here,” he said with a laugh.

Meanwhile, Seth was sitting in his chair looking dreamy. 

“Daddy, if Vali and I are ever allowed to get married, will you and Mom help us have a wedding?”

Tony felt his heart soften.

“Seth, if you and Vali decide that you want to get married? Mom and I will find a state where you can do that without any sass and we’ll throw you the wedding of your dreams. Do you think about that much?”

“Not...well...sometimes,” Seth murmured. “It’s just so frustrating to know that we can’t do something so basic without a lot of drama. It’s daunting. But a lot could change by the time we’re even ready to get married.”

“That’s true. Just know you’ll always have the support of your family...how about you, Roman? Any proposals on the horizon?”

“Well...actually...yeah,” Roman smiled softly. “Since you’re treating to the tattoo next week I’ve been thinking about ring shopping...maybe. The thing is, I’ll have to dip into my savings.”

Tony noticed Seth was smiling at this revelation, and just then, Dean returned from changing Finn. Now clean, the baby was clutching one of his teething rings and gnawing at it, a trail of slobber running down his chin.

“What’d I miss?” Dean asked.

“Roman’s going to propose to Megan!” Seth exclaimed.

“Whoa! That’s awesome! When?” Dean wanted to know.

“When I can afford a nice ring,” Roman replied.

“You know, buddy, you don’t have to go out and get a giant rock,” Tony reminded his son. “Your mother’s engagement ring wasn’t huge. We were both just starting our careers back then and we’d bought our first house. Crappy little thing but we made it into a home. But anyway, we didn’t have any money really and I couldn’t afford anything huge or expensive.”

“It doesn’t have to be huge,” Roman said, smiling himself. “I don’t even think Megan would like a giant diamond. It does have to be good quality though. Nothing but the best for my girl. And neither of us can afford a place to live right now, but there’s nothing wrong with a long engagement...is there?”

“No, of course not,” Tony agreed. 

“I know I want to marry her. And I know she wants to marry me. And I know she’s kind of jonesing to make it official, so why not?”

“I completely agree, son. Completely.”

“I’ve just got to think of a good idea on how to do it,” Roman revealed to his dad and brothers. “I want it to be special and I want it to be a surprise.”

“There’s time,” Tony said with a grin. 

“So Dad, do you really think you’ll renew your vows?” Seth asked Tony.

“I’d like to,” Tony murmured. “I’d kind of like to propose to her again too. I mean I’m pretty much 100% sure she’d say yes.”

The boys all laughed.

“The thing is I’d want to have everything all set up for the vow renewal, so I don’t know how the proposal would work.”

“So what if you have us all positioned and then Mom walks in and the first thing she sees is Finny with like...a small treasure box. So you know she’ll check him out and inside the box you could have a note that says ‘Gigi, will you marry Papa again?’ Then she turns around and you’re down on your knee with a new ring, and you know she’s gonna say yes. Then you can walk down the aisle together and renew, and then the party starts?” Seth suggested.

Tony grinned harder.

“I love it,” he said.

 

________________________________________

 

By Valentine’s Day, Seth and Valentino had known each other for six months and been officially dating for four months, and Vali couldn’t remember a time when he had ever been happier. 

It was their first Valentine’s Day together, and Vali wanted to do something really special with his boyfriend, so he’d polled his parents, Seth’s parents, and Seth’s brothers and had come up with a whole list of meaningful activities. 

He and Seth had so many common interests that it really wasn’t hard. Their day would feature coffee, food, art, writing, and theatre. 

So first, they were going to lunch at A 2nd Cup. This was a favorite place of theirs that Vali knew would exploit Seth’s love of good coffee a little, but he figured that was just fine. They’d sit and talk over coffee and sandwiches, then walk around for awhile before going to an art gallery nearby that Vali knew Seth had always wanted to check out. At first Valentino hadn’t realized Seth was into art much, and Seth admitted that at first, he really wasn’t.

“Until Dean started getting into drawing and photography,” Seth had confided one day. “I don’t really have any interest in painting or drawing myself but I’ve definitely got a new appreciation for people who do.”

That was the day that Vali confessed that he loved to paint, himself. He didn’t think he was especially good at it, but he still really enjoyed doing it. One of these days, he really intended to get Seth to pose for him. 

“So then someday, we’ll hang some of your paintings on the walls in our home,” Seth had said gently, with that soft smile that made Vali just melt into a puddle. He just loved it when Seth referenced the future.

After the gallery, there was a poetry reading at a different cafe, a place called Boomtown Coffee. Vali fully intended to share a poem he’d written, and of course, there would be more coffee. In addition, he decided to bring along a copy of one of Seth’s works, one that he had written for Valentino, that Vali kept framed in his bedroom, just in case his beloved felt like sharing as well. Vali honestly wasn’t sure if Seth would go for it or not, but he wanted the opportunity to be present. 

He was maybe most excited about their dinner plans, though.

In the historic Houston Heights area, there was a renowned dinner theatre. It was said to have incredible food and high quality acting, and it just so happened that over Valentine’s Day, they were performing the Lion King. Valentino was DYING to see a theatre production of this. In fact, he’d been on the drama committee that determined the spring musical at Creek Ridge, and he’d really pushed for the Lion King. In the end, they’d decided the costumes and sets would probably be too costly to make, and they had decided on Aladdin instead. Vali was excited for this too but that didn’t change how much he wanted to see the Lion King Live.

Even better would’ve been to see it on Broadway, but that was out of the cards for now. He knew that someday, Seth would love to see a few shows. And maybe they’d make that trip eventually, but for now, it was Valentine time, so he sat Seth down and laid it out.

“What are we gonna do?” Seth asked cautiously.

“That’s a surprise, babe,” Vali had replied, and that mask of anxiety almost immediately rolled over Seth’s face.

“Oh, hey, no, no, no, baby,” Vali took both of Seth’s hands. “There’s only one rule, and that’s you don’t get to stress. We’re gonna go out, be together, and have fun. Just me and you. No stressing.”

Seth relaxed immediately. 

“Okay,” he said softly, squeezing Vali’s hands a little. “What do I wear?”

Valentino considered this; the dinner theatre was pretty nice, and they weren’t doing anything that would make dressier clothes uncomfortable.

“I don’t know---slacks I guess? Chinos? I mean you don’t need to wear a suit, but you probably want something a little more formal than skinny jeans…”

Seth pouted a little.

“You like my skinny jeans,” he grumbled.

“I LOVE your skinny jeans,” Vali agreed. “But babe, this is a nice evening. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable but where we’re going is a little fancier than jeans of any kind. Please?”

Of course, Seth agreed.

The morning of Valentine’s Day, Valentino got ready in his bathroom. He almost always wore his hair in a short ponytail, but he decided that for this occasion, he’d wear it down. This always required a little extra time; his hair was a combination of kinky and wavy, and he didn’t want it to look like an Afro, but he did want it to surround his head. As he slaved over it, his Mami tapped on the bathroom door.

“You need help, Vali?” Araceli asked. Valentino nodded.

“I remember your Papi and me on our first Valentine’s Day,” Araceli gushed as she combed gel into his hair. Vali smiled; he’d heard this story before. 

“Where did you go?” Opting to indulge his mother a little, Vali leaned back so he could hear her better. She smiled happily.

“We went to a carnival,” Araceli let out a content little sigh. “Your Papi, he win me un perro that was full of stuffing.”

“A stuffed dog,” Vali supplied. There was an idea; Seth loved animals more than most people, ESPECIALLY dogs and cats. He wondered if he had time to go find one before they began their epic date.

Turned out he didn’t, because fixing his hair took longer than anticipated, but he guessed it didn’t matter; he had the rest of his life to surprise Seth with little gifts and he felt like it would mean more if it was one of those “just because” things. Vali headed out to the Girardi’s feeling thrilled but also slightly nervous.  
THAT was silly. He knew that.

He was greeted at the door by barking dogs and Seth, who looked---incredible.

He wore khaki colored slacks and a white button up shirt. It was long sleeved but the sleeves had been rolled up to about his elbow. And, Vali noticed immediately, his hair was down. 

Valentino LOVED it when Seth wore his hair down. Just a little bit of gel brought out the dark curls, which perfectly framed his beautiful face. Vali just couldn’t help but kiss him softly.

Seth smiled. 

“You ready, baby? Not stressing?” Vali asked him with a coy little grin of his own.

“No stressing. I’m ready. Let’s go.”

And what a fabulous day they had. 

Over coffee and sandwiches they talked about graduation and college.

“I’m not leaving Houston,” Seth proclaimed. “I can’t. My family...I don’t want to live with my parents forever or anything but my parents and brothers are here. I don’t want to be away from them. I want to be around to watch Finn grow up. I’m serious about studying zoology or maybe marine biology but the coast is close enough if we end up out there eventually. For now, though, I don’t want to leave Houston.”

“Me neither,” Vali agreed. “I’m my parents’ only child. I don’t think they’d try to stop me from going anywhere else but I’m sure my mother would be devastated if I did.   
And like...I know I’m 18 now, but I still need them.”

Seth nodded.

“Exactly,” he sighed. “I still haven’t heard from any of the schools that I applied to. I wish I knew what’s going to happen.”

“We’ll be okay,” Vali was resolute. “Even if we don’t end up at the same school, we’ll still be here together. Seth...do you ever think about moving in together?”

The look in Seth’s eyes told Vali that he thought about it plenty.

“I just...don’t know how we’d pay for it. My parents aren’t going to give me that kind of money when I can live with them for free. Nor should they. But I don’t know if I can balance the kind of job I’d need to support myself with school either.”

“What about dorms? Or campus apartments; those can be included in tuition right?”

“At some schools,” Seth replied. “Houston has campus apartments that can be covered by scholarships. I guess I’ll worry about that once I know for sure where I’ve been accepted. Then maybe we could live together, but we’d both have to go there.”

After lunch they held hands and checked out the shops, then browsed through the art gallery, which they both enjoyed, and then at the poetry reading, Vali almost had to stop when he looked up while reading to see tears flowing down his boyfriend’s face. As soon as he finished he didn’t even wait for the applause to die down before he flew to Seth’s side and held him close.

“I love you,” Seth sniffled. “I love you so much.”

“Shhh...I know, babe. I know. I love you too. Seth, I’m so glad that I found you. I was so angry about having to switch schools senior year, but...obviously that was meant to be.”

Seth nodded against Vali’s shoulder, but Valentino kept Seth drawn up tight against him the entire way to the theatre.

By the time they arrived, Seth had calmed down and was just leaning into Vali as they walked up to the ticket counter. Vali had reserved a small booth right in the center of the seating area, and it was a very cool set up. There was a buffet at the back and it opened about an hour prior to the show. Waitstaff travelled around refilling water and soda glasses as people went to the buffet to eat, and when the lights dimmed the show, Seth snuggled up against Vali’s shoulder and stayed that way for the entire first act.   
During intermission they went to use the restroom when Seth turned to Vali and looked at him, scrutinizing, before he burst out laughing.

“What?” Vali asked quizzically.

“You’re hair,” Seth replied snickering. Vali felt his heart sink a little.

“What about my hair? It’s been like this all day, Seth, don’t you like---”

“No, no, no,” Seth interrupted. “I love it; I think you should fix it up more often. It’s just that it occurred to me that here we are at the Lion King, and your hair makes you look like Mufasa.”

At this, Vali cracked up too and wrapped his arms around his guy, peppering his cheek with kisses as they returned to their seats.


	134. Gonna Be Okay

The weekend Dean and Tony went camping was the last weekend in February, and Friday night found neither Roman nor Seth with any plans, so they decided to cook dinner for their mother and help her watch Finn. 

Seth had been practically walking on air since his Valentine’s Day date with his boyfriend, which had Roman and Dean in stitches. He was just so cute. Neither one of them dared tease him, though; no chance were they going to risk shooting down his confidence, so instead they laughed together when he wasn’t around and in person, listened to him regale them with the story of the date over and over.

This was Seth, after all, their baby brother, and so Roman didn’t find it at all hard to be patient.

He chattered happily while they worked in the kitchen side by side. Seth was browning pork chops that they were going to smother in mushrooms, onions, and cheese. Roman had sliced a loaf of bread in half, smeared each side with butter, and sprinkled it with garlic salt, and then he set that aside and began washing sugar snap peas. By the time the pork chops went into the oven, he was working on a kick-ass salad when Seth suddenly got quiet.

“Roman?” He looked up to find Seth gazing at him, eyes wide and a little...he couldn’t peg the emotion, actually. Seth almost looked sad, which wouldn’t make much sense since he’d been happy as a clam just moments prior. Roman gave him his full attention.

“Yeah?”

“Do you...do you think that you and Megan will ever have kids?”

Not sure where this had come from, Roman slowly nodded.

“We both definitely want kids,” he replied. “Neither of us knows for sure how that’ll happen since she’s had chemo in the past, but if we can’t make them on our own, we’ll adopt a few. Like Mom and Dad did; I think that turned out pretty well.”

Seth smiled, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“How many do you want?”

“Lots. We haven’t set a number. But if all we get is one, we’ll be happy. Why?”

“Just...wondering. I don’t know if Dean will have any more. Do you?”

“No...I mean I’m sure he’d like for Finn to have a little brother or sister but right now I think he’s got his hands full. We haven’t ever talked about it though.”

Seth sighed.

“Is everything okay, brother?” Roman asked him gently.

“I just...I’ve just been thinking,” he began. “I know I said I never want any kids but that’s not really true. I honestly don’t know how we’d even be able to, though. I mean I can’t imagine there are too many people lining up to give up their babies to a gay couple here in our lovely Red state, first of all.”

“You never know, though,” Roman replied. “I’ll bet there are plenty of people who don’t give a shit about that so long as you and Valentino can provide a good, loving home, and some day you’ll absolutely be able to do that.”

“Maybe,” Seth mumbled darkly. 

“There’s always surrogacy too,” Roman continued, but that made Seth scoff.

“No...no, I don’t think that will work either.”

“Why not?”

“Because...it just...it just wouldn’t. Anyways...it’s dumb. I guess there’s no point to worrying about any of this yet. We’re too young.”

There was so much Roman wanted to say about this, but he could tell that the conversation was over so instead he just hugged his brother and then turned back to his salad.

After dinner, they all retired to the living room. Finn was rapidly approaching 7 months old, and in such fashion, was trying his damnedest to sit up by himself. He could do it if you put him in a sitting position---he’d last about 5 seconds before he’d start weaving back and forth like a buoy and then tip over. Even though he was tiny, less than fourteen pounds, his head was still the heaviest part of him, Roman guessed. 

Dean had been really worried about this, concerned that the infant wasn’t proportioned properly, until his pediatrician reminded him that his weight had nearly tripled since birth and that he would probably be behind on the growth curve until mid-toddlerhood. 

“Most babies only double their weight by 6 months,” Dean had touted proudly after receiving this news. “Way to grow, kid!”

Although he was small, Finn was completely in the normal range for milestones. He ate cereal and baby food along with his formula. He LOVED the fruits, like plums, peaches, apples, and bananas. He was a fan of green beans and avocado, but so far despised the orange veggies like carrots and squash. 

On this night, Roman and Seth were seated on the floor with Finn between them, taking turns catching him as he toppled. Every time he would smile and shriek---he had kind of a banshee scream, and they only heard it when he was either really excited or really upset. He seemed to know that he was safe with his uncles though, and whenever he’d sit alone with no help, Lily would cheer him on. 

In all, Roman was down with this baby thing. 

He and his mom and his little brother talked about school, and Megan and Valentino, and just life in general. Roman thought it was nice, a quiet evening at home. At some point his stupid arm had begun to feel funny again, which aggravated him; it had been at least a week since the last flare up, and he’d honestly thought it was beginning to get better finally. Roman tried to put it out of his mind.

Eventually Finn began to yawn and his eyes drooped a little bit. Lily scooped him up to kiss his forehead, and he began rubbing his face against her shoulder, a sure sign he was getting sleepy. 

“Here,” Roman stretched out his arms for his nephew. “Can I put him to bed?”

His mother nodded and smiled.

“Here you go. Good night, sweet boy.” Finn, though practically asleep already, still managed a tired smile for his Gigi.

Roman took Finn to Dean’s room and changed his diaper and put him in his pajamas, and the whole time, he talked quietly to his baby nephew. 

“Hey, big guy,” Roman murmured gently. “You’re so sleepy, huh? Ready for bed? I hear that, buddy. You’re a good boy, Finn. Such a good baby. You make your daddy and your Gigi and Papa and your uncles so happy. Are you happy too? Yeah?”

Finn smiled again, still tired, but he looked up at Roman and babbled just a little.

“Oh?” Roman indulged him. “Is that so? Tell me all about it, buddy.”

Once Finn was all ready, warm and cozy in footed pajamas with blue and green stripes, Roman sat down in the glider, content for a moment to just rock his nephew softly.

“I want this too you know,” he said. “Someday. Your Aunt Megan is gonna be an amazing mom someday. Someday we’ll have a baby too and I hope he or she is as cool as you. Now no offense, and if you tell anyone I’ll deny it, but I kinda sorta wouldn’t mind having a little girl first. I mean of course I’ll be happy with whatever we get, don’t get me wrong, but...yeah. We got enough testosterone around here for now. Wish I could convince your uncle Seth not to give up on this too. He’d make an excellent dad. But I guess we got plenty of time. Right?”

Finn was nearly asleep in Roman’s arms, and he smiled down at his nephew’s serene little face. It was true; every word. He’d be lucky to have a baby like Finn, eventually. 

As he leaned over Finn’s crib, gently lowering the baby into it, it happened.

Pain shot through Roman’s right shoulder and then it went numb. He didn’t mean to, but as he lost feeling in his hand, he let go of the baby with a gasp. Finn fell the last 6 inches, maybe 8, flat on his back onto his mattress. His eyes, no longer drowsy, flew wide open the second he landed with a thump and he laid there with an unrecognizable expression on his face. Roman stared at him in horror as his mouth contorted and his eyes screwed up into a silent scream for what had to be a good 30 seconds, before Finn inhaled and let out a mighty wail.

That was when Roman burst into panicked tears himself.

“Finn? Buddy? Are you okay? God, what’ve I done? It’s okay. Finn, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry...MOM!!!”

 

________________________________

 

Lily didn’t bat an eye when she heard Finn start to cry; he didn’t always go down easily if Dean wasn’t there to do it, but she and Seth both leaped to their feet and barreled towards the bedroom when they heard Roman’s anguished cry.

She couldn’t get there quickly enough, and she wasn’t at all prepared for the sight she found.

Roman, on his knees peering into Finn’s crib, sobbing and begging for forgiveness.

Finn screaming, beet red in the face, and flailing his arms and legs.

“Roman, baby, what is it, what happened? Is Finn okay? What’s wrong?”

She approached them as fast as she could, and her son’s answer couldn’t come fast enough. Lily rested on hand on Roman’s right shoulder and the other on Finn’s belly, but as soon as Roman flinched away from her touch with a grimace, she began to understand.

“I d-d-drop...I d-d-d-dropped him,” Roman practically wailed and Lily heard Seth draw in a sharp breath behind her. 

“You dropped him where, baby? On the floor?” Lily gently leaned into Finn’s crib and lifted him into her arms. She’d never heard him shriek like this, but she was already beginning to realize that this was a cry of fear, not pain. 

“No, into his crib, into his...into his crib. I couldn’t...my hand...Mama, I dropped him,” Roman hiccuped. Lily passed Finn to Seth, who immediately rested Finn on his shoulder and began rubbing his back and crooning.

“From how far?” Lily focused on Roman now, it all clicking into place. She motioned to Seth to take the baby out of the room.

“I don’t know, I don’t...like this,” Roman spread his hands to demonstrate the distance and Lily crouched down beside him and engulfed him in her arms. Her boy buried his face against her.

“Shhh,” she murmured quietly. “Shhh, Ro, shhh...I’m pretty sure Finn is okay. Just startled is all but he’s not hurt.”

“How do you know?” Roman’s voice was barely above a whisper.

“Oh, baby, he barely fell at all and he landed on a mattress. It’s not like you dropped him off the roof, kiddo, I’m more worried about you. C’mon. Take a deep breath and just...let’s calm down. I’ve got you, Roman.”

It didn’t take long for Roman to settle against Lily, and she gently stroked his hair.

“Okay. That’s better. What happened, Ro?”

“I...I was getting ready to put him to bed and...and I was leaning over to lay him down. And then it just...my shoulder hurt but my arm...I couldn’t control it. He just fell right out of my hands.”

Lily sort of lifted herself up off the floor and onto Dean’s bed, bringing Roman with her. Again, he flinched and she turned his chin towards her.

“And it still hurts?”

Roman looked down.

“Yes,” he whispered. “But...I don’t know what happened, Mom. It really hasn’t hurt until now. I mean it ached the day after it happened, and I was sore all over after I fell skiing. But this is different. It’s...it’s not as intense now but it was like a knife slicing into my neck, right where my neck and shoulder meet.”

She reached out and softy touched the area,

“Does this hurt?” Lily asked her son, applying gentle pressure.

“No...no, that doesn’t hurt,” he mumbled.

“Can you shrug your shoulders?”

Roman did, and then said,

“That...like I can feel it when I do that, but it’s not pain like when I was holding Finn...Mama? Mom, are you sure he’s okay?”

“I think he’s fine, Ro. We’ll go check on him in a minute, baby. Can you hold your arms out to the sides?”

Again, Roman complied, but this time pain lit up his face.

“Okay,” Lily murmured. “Roman Nicholas, are you with me now? You need to see a doctor, baby boy. Please? I get it; it’s scary, but buddy, this isn’t getting better by itself, is it?”

Roman shook his head and let out a defeated sigh.

“No. No, I guess it’s not,” he replied. “I just...Mom, what if something’s really wrong?”

“Then we’ll get it fixed, kiddo,” she said. “You know, Roman, you’re 18 now and I can’t make you, but it’s...you’ve rarely been anything other than responsible. And one part of growing up is taking care of yourself. And that includes making the decision to get checked out. Right?”

Roman nodded and sighed again.

“I guess. I guess you’re right. I haven’t been too smart about this. You know, before tonight I hadn’t had any trouble in so long that I kind of just...well. You’re right though. You and Megan both. What do you think is wrong with me?”

“My best guess? There’s a big nerve system that runs down here,” Lily explained, drawing a line across Roman’s neck with her finger. “It’s called your brachial plexus, and it's made up of several different nerves. No way to tell exactly what’s going on, but I think you should start by calling Dr. Calhoun on Monday. He’s probably going to want an MRI and then depending on the results, either he’ll treat you or he’ll refer you to a neurologist.”

“Like...Dr. Gartland?” Roman asked hopefully.

“Well...yeah, except Dr. Gartland specializes in brain neurology. I don’t know if he’d treat an ortho-neurologic injury or not. We can always find out. Roman, listen. I love you. You know I do. And no matter what I’m gonna help you. Okay? C’mon. Let’s go make nice with Finn.”

They walked side by side to the living room, where Seth was laying on the couch with Finn on his chest.

“How’s he doing?” Roman asked him tentatively. Seth smiled at his brother.

“Ah, he’s arright. Stopped crying almost as soon as we got out here. He grumbled at me for a few minutes but then he went right to sleep. I think it just scared him a little is all. Are YOU okay?”

Roman caught Lily’s eye before smiling gingerly back at Seth.

“No,” he said softly. “But...but I will be.”

 

__________________________________

 

Ed Calhoun was a trusted family friend, one of the orthopedic specialists that Lily had worked with for so many years before retiring. He had looked after the boys for several injuries, most notably Dean’s broken wrist when he’d first come home, so Tony had no objections to taking Roman to see him as well.

Lily and Tony had taken Roman in and invited Megan along, and as they sat in the waiting area, Tony noticed his son had a slight tremor. He reached out and rested his hand on Roman’s good shoulder. Roman looked over at him gratefully.

“Don’t be afraid,” Tony said quietly. “Whatever’s wrong, son, we can fix it.”

“You can’t know that,” Roman whispered back. He shook his head.

“I was so dumb, Dad. I should’ve just gotten checked out that first day. Just like I should’ve told my coaches what Jackson was doing.”

“Can’t change it, though,” Tony replied. “Gotta move forward.”

At that moment, Roman’s name was called. He turned to his father with a sigh.

“Okay...see you guys in a bit,” he murmured before going back with Cici.

Immediately Tony turned to Lily and Megan.

“What do you think?” 

They looked at each other.

“I’m scared for him,” Megan said quietly, immediately, and Lily nodded.

“It was so much easier when he was still a minor,” she murmured. “I’m so frustrated with him for waiting so long.”

“Would you have forced him?” Megan asked.

“I...would’ve been more forceful. I would have told him that unless he could come up with a better choice, then he’d have to go. Roman’s never really challenged me before…”

“He’s a Mama’s boy,” said Megan fondly and Lily laughed.

“All three of them are. Even Dean to some degree. Is that bad?” Tony thought his wife sounded just a tiny bit defensive.

“No…” Megan murmured. “It’s not bad. I’m so thankful he has such a good relationship with you, with both of you. It’s one of the things I respect most about him. It just...it also makes it hard to be his girlfriend sometimes.”

Lily softened.

“Why’s that?” 

“Because...this is really dumb. I know eventually we’ll be married and parents ourselves. But I...I want to be the one he needs the most, and I’m just not. Not yet. I’m just so impatient.”

“Well...you’re in love. And don’t think for one minute that he doesn’t need you,” Lily took Megan’s hand and Tony smiled at her.

“Lily is absolutely right,” he agreed. “I kind of remember feeling like that though. Like when do you merge between your own individual families into the family that the two of you will make? It’s hard sometimes, and scary too. But you...are one of the reasons Roman gets up in the morning. He’s planning his entire future around you. He’s in love, Megan, he truly is, and I know I’m not saying anything you don’t know already.”

“No…” Megan, clearly placated, sighed deeply. “And I’m planning my future around him too.”

“What’s in your plans?” Lily asked softly.

“When we graduate we want to travel for a year or so, just around the world,” Megan confided. “We’re saving money as we can. And then we’ll start our careers. I know he’s still on the fence about what to declare as a major. He really wants to teach but he has this crazy hangup with making enough money, which...I mean in Texas the salary isn’t too bad and if he gets his Masters as he goes that’ll help, and right now I’m planning on being a nurse like my mom.”

“You’ll be such a good nurse, Megan,” Lily smiled and took the girl’s hand and Tony nodded his agreement. Megan blushed.

“I want to work either with oncology patients or in the transition unit,” she said quietly. “When I was still on chemo, my nurses were amazing and so caring and I want to give that back. I want to be able to sit with a teenage girl or anyone, really, and say, ‘listen, you can fight and beat this. I know because I did.’”

Tony wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“You know, Megan, Lily and I love you like a daughter,” he began. “I know that if I’d had to choose a girl for Roman, I can’t think of anyone better than you. It’s gratifying when your kid picks someone you’d have picked yourself. Makes us feel like we did something right for him. Since we are clearly still working on responsibility…”

Megan and Lily both laughed, and at that moment Roman returned to the waiting room, arm now in a sling. All three of them stood to meet him.

“I have to have an MRI. Like today,” Roman said quietly. “And then I have to have this thing called an Electromyography. They’re going to put tiny needles in my muscles...I’m scared.”

Lily and Megan wrapped their arms around him, and Tony managed to squeeze all three of them tight.

“Everything’s gonna be okay, son,” he murmured, feeling Roman shiver slightly. “We’re all going to help you. When do they want to do these tests?”

“The MRI later today,” Roman mumbled. “They’re using that to determine where the damage is and how to fix it. I might have to have surgery. The EMG is to see how much the nerves are actually damaged. I really screwed up…”

“Listen to me,” Tony said quietly, resting his hands on Roman’s cheeks, so that he could look his boy in the eye.

“I’m not kidding, son. No matter what happens, in the end it’ll all be okay. Just take a deep breath, Roman. You’re not alone, buddy. We’re never going to leave you alone.”

Roman just nodded and Tony sighed. He looked, frankly, terrified, and defeated to boot. It occurred to Tony for about the millionth time that he would do anything to take this pain away from his kid, even if it meant shouldering it himself. Would this roller coaster of parenting ever slow down?


	135. Not What You Wanted to Hear

The day that Roman went to visit Dr. Calhoun, Dean was home from school with an ailing Finn. 

His shrieks pierced the air and his little back arched; he sobbed and wailed and Dean didn’t know what to do for him. It had started the night before, with the little guy feverish, whining and pulling at his ears. He’d dozed fitfully for awhile, but began to escalate around 2 am.

He had an appointment with Dr. Elliott in a few hours, because he clearly had another ear infection. Upon the doctor’s instruction, Dean gave Finn a small dose of baby Tylenol. And there were still some numbing drops from the last time he’d had an infection, but getting those into his ear as he flailed around was near impossible. He needed someone to help him, but his parents were still at the doctor with Roman and Seth was at school, so Dean was on his own.

You wouldn’t think holding onto a sick baby long enough to drip some eardrops into his ear would be so tough, but Finn suddenly seemed to have the strength of the Hulk. Dean was near tears himself by the time he got the deed done, and it didn’t help that Pippi, clearly sensing Finn’s pain, was circling his feet trying to grab his socks. Finally, finally, he sat in the glider and cradled his baby boy.

“Shhhh...I know,” he murmured, trying to keep his voice even. “We’re gonna make it all better soon, buddy. Just hang in there.”

As he rocked his son, he sang softly, which didn’t really seem to help. Dean thought this must be the worst feeling in the world. Absolutely nothing he tried made a damn bit of difference. Eventually Finn’s screams reduced to whines and moans, but anyone could see that this was due to him growing tired, not because he was feeling any better.

And then Dean remembered something---corn bags.

His parents had several fabric bags with deer corn sewn in. They could be microwaved to the desired warmth and held against whatever body part ached. They had heating pads too, but the corn bags were better for night time relief, since there was no risk of those catching fire while you slept. And the temperature could also be better controlled...yes. That was what Finn needed.

Thirty minutes later, with a bag over his ear, not too hot, just warm, the little man finally slept. 

It wasn’t long after that that his parents and Roman returned home. Dean could tell by the look on everyone’s face that the news from the doctor must not have been good, but he could hardly worry about that right then. No way was he going to move and risk waking his boy.

He slowly rocked the baby and before long his mother came in.

“How’s he doing?” Lily whispered, reaching out to rub Finn’s foot.

“This sucks,” was Dean’s only response. His mother offered him a sympathetic smile.

“Yes, it does,” she agreed. “But look at you; Tylenol, ear drops, even a warm compress---you’re doing everything right, Dean. You’re doing everything you can. It’ll be time to take him soon.”

Dean glanced at his phone. 

“Yeah...will you come with me? Please?”

Tired though she looked, his mother nodded.

“Of course I will,” she said.

“Mama?” Dean said softly.

“Yeah, sweetie?”

“Does this ever get easier?” Dean knew the question was vague, but he could tell by the look on his mother’s face that she knew exactly what he meant. Slowly she shook her head.

“No,” Lily said quietly. “No, the part where he hurts and you can’t fix it...it never gets any easier. But he’s a lucky guy, because he’s got a dad who’s willing to do absolutely anything it takes.”

The news from Dr. Elliott wasn’t great.

“Dean, I hate to say this,” she said as she peeked inside the once again sobbing baby’s ear, “but 4 ear infections in less that 7 months is pretty excessive. I think it may be time to refer him to a pediatric ENT.”

“A...huh?” Dean had no clue what she meant.

“A pediatric ENT. Ear, nose, and throat. It’s a doctor who specializes in maladies that affect his ears and other things.”

“But...I want you to be his doctor,” Dean mumbled.

“Oh, I still will be for everything else,” Dr. Elliott reassured him. “But at this point we need to do two things, first being try to figure out why an otherwise healthy baby keeps getting ear infections. He doesn’t seem to have allergies. He’s not exposed to secondhand smoke. He’s had one cold, but no bronchitis or pneumonia or any other respiratory problems. And all of those are great things, but they don’t help explain his ears. So we’ve got to do the first thing before we can do the second, which is prevent it from happening because this is no fun at all. Is it, Finn?”

The baby whimpered.

“Oh, I know,” Dr. Elliott murmured. “You’re a good boy. Do you know I’m trying to help you? Hmm?”

Finn let out a soft squawk.

Dean sighed.

“Who do we see? And when?”

“When is your spring break?” Dr. Elliott questioned.

“Umm...in about 3 weeks, I think,” Dean said. “I’ll be off for two weeks.”

“Okay...the doctor I’m going to refer you to is Dr. Martin,” Dr. Elliott mused. “I really don’t want to wait 3 weeks but there’s no telling whether she’ll be able to see him before then anyway. I’ll have a nurse call and see. I’m going to go ahead and give him the antibiotic shot, and you alternate Tylenol and Motrin and keep using the drops. We’re gonna get you feeling better, little fella.”

Dr. Elliott turned to Finn.

“Yeah. We’re gonna get you all better.”

As luck would have it, Dr. Martin had an opening the next day. Dean already had no intention of going to school while Finn was still miserable, so he asked Seth to pick up his missed work and hunkered down that night. 

It was rough.

Dean half hoped that his mom would stay up with him, but when his father came in to say goodnight, he told Dean that she was laying with Roman. 

“He didn’t get great news today either,” Tony said, and a pang of guilt hit Dean. He’d forgotten to even ask.

“What’s wrong?”

“Pretty sure he’s going to need surgery. His MRI didn’t look too good, but we’re seeing a neurologist first. Mom doesn’t think it’s anything too serious, just a simple repair, but he’s scared.”

Dean sighed.

“We’re falling apart, Dad,” he whispered and Tony nodded his agreement.

By then, Dean’s arms were tired; Finn was sleepy and kind of grumpy, but the screaming had stopped as long as Dean didn’t put him down. He didn’t want anyone else to hold him either, not even Seth, which made Dean just a little happy, but he had to pee eventually. The moment Tony took the baby, he began to cry again. When Dean took him back he was reduced to whimpers, and no matter how much his daddy rocked him, he couldn’t seem to sleep. He’d turned his nose up at his cereal and fruit, not even interested in his beloved apricots. Finn drank about half a bottle before beginning to fuss again.

It was 4:30 am before he finally fell asleep on Dean’s chest. 

Dean didn’t sleep, though. He couldn’t. He was too busy feeling terrified of what Dr. Martin might have to say.

 

___________________________________

 

Why did things always seem to go wrong at the same time? 

Seth had always wondered this, and as par for the course, it seemed to be happening again. 

Roman had been given the news that he had damage to his brachial plexus. Several of the nerves, including the radial nerve, had been compressed due to a partial separation of his shoulder, which also had a bone spur. He’d need an operation to shave the spur, as well repair the tendons that had allowed his scapula to slip. Once that happened the pressure on his nerves would be gone, but only time would tell if the nerves themselves would begin working at full capacity again or if the damage was permanent.

The operation would take place at a surgical center the Friday before Spring Break began. According to his class syllabus, his projects could be completed prior to that day, so it didn’t matter much if he missed class. However, Roman had never had surgery before, not of any kind, and he was terrified. 

Seth had never had surgery before either, so he really didn’t have any comforting words of wisdom for his big brother. Except,

“Think of how much better you’ll feel. We’ll have the whole break to hang out and relax. I’ll help Mom and Dad take care of you. I know everything is going to be okay.”

Seth could tell Roman was thankful for his attempt, but he could also tell that it hadn’t really helped. 

The brother that DID have experience with being operated on was Dean, and unfortunately, he was no help at the moment.

The youngest Girardi brother had been home from school barely 15 minutes when he heard cars pull up and dogs start to bark, and seconds later, Dean stormed in, followed by their mother and then their father, who was carrying Finn’s carseat.

“I’m not going to do it,” Dean was shouting. “He’s too young, Mom. He’s not even 7 months. He’s just a baby, and I’m not going to let them put him to sleep. I’m not doing it.”

This was followed by Dean storming down the hall and shortly after that, his bedroom door slammed shut. Seth looked at Tony quizzically.

“So the doctor recommended that Finn get tubes in his ears,” Tony said casually. Seth looked into the carseat. The baby was semi-awake, and when he caught sight of his uncle he offered a woozy smile. Seth leaned over and unclipped the carseat straps and lifted Finn up.

“What’s that, bud? Is Daddy afraid about that?” Finn nuzzled Seth’s neck and sighed.

“He’s sure in a better mood,” Seth remarked and Tony nodded.

“Dr. Martin gave him a shot of something to make it not hurt. He’s feeling no pain right now,” Seth’s dad grinned. “Sure is rough, though.”

“Is Dean okay?” Seth wondered.

“Dean is scared to death,” Tony replied. “But I think when he calms down...I don’t know. The operation takes less than 15 minutes, but it’s still surgery and he’d still have to go under for it. And that’s a little riskier for an infant, but still. The doctor wouldn’t have recommended it if it wasn’t the best thing for Finn. Chronic ear infections can cause him to have permanent hearing loss. The doctor said they can also affect his balance and cause him to be delayed in walking and crawling, plus if he keeps getting them he may become resistant to antibiotics.”

“But...Dean says no?”

“Dean...needs some time to process all of this, I think. I know it’s not what he was expecting to hear today.”

Seth sighed. 

“Little troublemaker,” he said, tickling Finn’s belly a little. Finn offered him another dopey grin.

A few minutes later, Lily came into the kitchen. When she caught sight of Seth, she hugged him and planted a kiss on Finn’s cheek.

“Hey, bub. Dad tell you all the good news? Looks like our Spring Break trip is going to have to wait.” The family had been planning on driving out to New Orleans, but that hardly seemed important right now.

Seth nodded.

“Yes, but it’s okay. It’s not like it won’t still be there when everyone’s feeling better. Maybe we can go in the fall. Is Dean really not going to get Finn’s tubes?”

Lily sighed.

“He’s not budging right now. But I think once he’s had a chance to think about it…” she trailed off. “It’s an impossible decision, bub. He’ll come around.”

Seth had an idea.

“Well...why don’t you and Dad take him out to dinner tonight and talk about it? Vali and I could watch Finn…”

“Not a bad idea,” Tony spoke up. “Maybe take him out to Hard Rock or Cheesecake and just talk it out. Let him calm down a little bit first.”

“Yeah...yeah, that sounds good,” Lily mused. “I feel bad for him. I think the closest we’ve ever come to having to make such an awful choice was giving you the antivenin for the spider bites, bub. That was an agonizing choice.”

“It was? Why?”

“Well, because...I know you don’t really remember it, but you were SO sick. So, so sick, and we knew we had to do something, but that medicine can cause such extreme allergic reactions that I was terrified we’d lose you trying to make you better.”

Seth considered this; it’d been 4 years since that had happened and his mother was right; he didn’t remember it much. He’d had no idea that it had been so hard for his mom and dad.

“Dean’s a good father. He’ll do what’s best,” Seth finally said, and his parents nodded their agreement.

This was how Seth and Vali wound up at the Girardi house that Friday night, eating pizza and watching Inception while Seth rocked Finn in the recliner. They’d tried passing him back and forth but the baby cried every time Vali tried to love on him.

“Dude, your nephew hates me,” Valentino complained, when despite his attempts, Finn wailed when he picked him up.

“He doesn’t hate you. He’s a baby. He just doesn’t feel good,” Seth responded with a smile. 

“Well, I’m jealous,” Vali shot back. “Wish you’d hold me like that.”

“Maybe later if you’re a good boy,” said Seth with a laugh. Then he grew serious.

“So auditions for Aladdin are next week.”

“Yes. I know,” Vali answered. “I can’t sing so I’m not expecting much but there’ll be plenty of non-speaking parts. Or maybe I could be Jafar; he doesn’t sing.”

“You’re a shoo-in for Jafar,” Seth murmured. “There’s nobody better at acting than you.”

“Uh, have you met you?” Vali smiled and leaned over to kiss Seth on the cheek. Seth blushed.

“I’m...I can do it,” he said. “But I don’t hold a candle to you. Anyway, I really can’t sing either. But maybe I can be the guy that catches Aladdin and Jasmine in the market.” 

“Well, you’re awfully skinny, but you’re too tall to be the Sultan. Hey...you could be Iago! Not often you get to be Iago twice in one year.”

They both laughed.

“Think we’ll always have this? Acting?” Seth asked after a bit. Finn was sound asleep by now, so he got up and laid him in his Pack N Play before returning to the couch and snuggling up against Valentino.

“I hope,” Vali replied. Then he sighed. “Know what though? As long as we have us, that’s all we need.”

Seth sighed.

“That’s true,” he said quietly. 

Snuggling quickly turned into making out, complete with some serious petting, which went on until they were interrupted by a very angsty Finn.

“He’s hungry,” Seth murmured, gently breaking himself free from his boyfriend and smiling just a little at the way Vali’s eyes flashed with disappointment. He knew Vali wanted to take things further, and he didn’t blame him; it wasn’t like Seth never thought about it. But he also knew that Vali would never ever push him, and he appreciated that. He liked knowing it was his call. And no WAY was anything happening on his parents’ couch with Finn in the room.

Once the baby was fed, Seth decided it was time to change him and see if he’d lay down in his crib. Satisfyingly enough, he only fussed a little bit before sighing and closing his eyes. With Aladdin on his mind, Seth gently patted Finn’s tummy and softly, he began to sing.

“I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid…”

He made it through the whole song and by the end, the little man was sound asleep. When Seth turned around, though, he was startled to see Valentino standing in the doorway, a look of...well, surprise...on his face.

“I thought,” he said quietly, opening his arms to hug Seth close, “that you said you couldn’t sing.”

“I...can’t?” Seth replied, a question in his voice, and Vali held him out at arm’s length. 

“Says who?” Vali hugged him again and murmured into his ear. “Your voice is incredible; I had no idea you sounded so amazing. Who says you can’t sing?”

“Me. I guess...I mean I never really have…”

“Well, my beautiful boy, you can. You can and you should. And if you sing that song at the audition as wonderfully as you did just now? There’s no way anyone else will be cast the part of Aladdin.”


	136. In Your Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took a minute to write this little gem: http://archiveofourown.org/works/8787217/chapters/20143435
> 
> Now back to regularly scheduled programming!

Lily had always known her youngest son loved music, but she had no idea he could really sing. So when he was cast as Aladdin in the school play, she felt equal parts thrilled, shocked, and guilty.

“BUB!” She’d squealed when he crashed through the door after school that day to share the news. “Come here! I’m so proud of you!” 

And she’d given him the tightest squeeze she could.

Talk about growing up.

She regarded him now, as he sat beside her in the waiting room of the surgery center. Roman had just been taken back to the OR, and on the other side of the building, Finn had just come out. The tubes had been successfully implanted and Tony had sent her a pic of Dean snuggling a clearly still woozy little guy in a rocking chair, so that was one weight off. The plan was for Dr. Martin to observe him for a few hours, and then Tony and Dean would take him home.

Roman’s operation was longer and considerably more complex, but she hoped it would be finished by the time Finn was discharged. Ideally he’d be going home that day as well, though it completely depended on how he handled the anesthesia and what they needed to manage his pain. 

They’d been sitting maybe an hour, Megan on her left, Seth on her right, when a nurse appeared in the doorway. 

“Dr. Girardi?”

Lily jumped up. It was way too early to be finished. She knew that if something were seriously wrong, Cici would’ve come to get her but still…

“Relax,” the nurse, Christi, said with a gentle smile. “I can tell by your face---he’s handling anesthesia well. He’s fine; but they sent me out to tell you that they’ve opened him up and there’s more damage than they initially thought.”

Lily groaned.

“Okay…”

“We’re not sure if it was hidden from the MRI or if something moved around since the MRI but his shoulder has shifted. He’s going to need a bigger incision to reach it, and more tugging and pulling and stuff. You know the drill. Dr. Calhoun said probably an extra hour and a half to two hours, and since it’s going to take longer, he’s probably going to need to stay the night tonight. I’m sorry; I know this isn’t what he wants or what you wanted to hear…”

“No, no, you’re right though, gotta do what needs to be done. Okay…” Lily paused. “Thank you for coming out. I’ll let my husband know. Just take care of my baby for me.”

Christi smiled.

“I will,” she promised before disappearing behind the doors. 

Lily sighed and headed back to Megan and Seth to explain the situation. 

“I’m going to go check on Dean and Finn and tell Dad. Maybe send him back here for a bit since it looks like I’ll be staying tonight.”

“You don’t...I could stay with him,” Megan offered softly.

Lily considered this.

“You’re welcome to stay,” she finally replied. “I guess we’ll just see what happens.”

Megan sighed and Lily high-tailed it to the other side of the building, where she explained to Tony what was going on.

“Damn,” he muttered. “So then we’ll need someone to go get him an overnight bag.”

“Yeah, and one of us will need to stay here too, but I think someone also needs to go home in case Dean needs us,” Lily said. “Megan offered to stay, and that’s fine, but I still want one of us here too.” 

Tony grinned at her.

“You’re a worry wart,” he said, but then he offered his arms and she let him fold her into a hug.

“I know,” she replied softly. “He’s my baby though.”

“I know. You’re still the best mama,” Tony’s embrace grew tighter. “But he’s a tough fucking kid, Lu. Just like his mother.”

“Yeah...his dad’s no slug either,” Lily smiled too. “Where’s my second baby?”

Tony smiled.

“You wanna talk about a Daddy who’s no slug. I’m goddamn proud of that boy. Kinda proud of us too for raising him. I know he struggled with this but Finn’s going to feel so much better once all the drugs wear off.”

“Doesn’t he feel good?” Lily asked, taking his hand as they walked together back into the recovery room.

“He loves me right? Like under any ordinary circumstance he’s happy to come to me, let me love on him, hold him, play with him, whatever. Not today. Today I even look at him sideways and it’s like a tragedy,” Tony laughed suddenly. “It almost reminds me of Seth in the very beginning. And then Dean was rocking him and he dropped his turtle on the floor and it was over.”

“Aww, but no wonder he’s grumpy,” Lily laughed softly too. “Poor little man. He probably doesn’t know what’s even going on.”

Tony headed off to wait on Roman for awhile as Lily slipped behind the curtain separating Dean and Finn from the outside world.

Dean was sitting in a comfy looking recliner in the recovery room. Finn was resting on his shoulder with his little arm around his stuffed turtle, and he appeared to be sound asleep. Dean himself didn’t look as though he was entirely awake. Lily rested her hand on his arm and he jumped.

“Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you,” she murmured, pulling up a chair beside him and giving him a sort of half hug. “How are you? He doing okay?”

“Yeah,” Dean yawned. “Yeah, the nurses say he’s doing really good.”

“That’s fantastic. When can he go home?”

“I think they want...what time is it?”

“It’s not quite 10,” Lily rubbed Dean’s shoulders. 

“About two more hours, then. But Mom, Rome---how’s Roman?”

“Roman’s going to be a bit longer than we thought at first,” Lily confessed. “Dr. Calhoun says now he probably will have to spend the night.”

“That sucks,” Dean mumbled. He looked down at his sleeping baby. “Mom, I’ve gotta pee.”

Lily laughed.

“I’ll take him for a minute,” she said.

“Okay, but we gotta pass him off carefully or he’s gonna get pissed. He only wants me.” 

It didn’t work though. Finn’s eyes flew open. He whimpered, groggy, for a moment or two before devolving into a full blown scream.

“Oh, buddy. Oh, Gigi’s little man,” Lily crooned, swaying slightly and patting his back. “You’re okay, baby boy. I know you feel yucky. I know. Shhhh…”

She couldn’t soothe him, though. Dean emerged from the bathroom as fast as he could and scooped his son out of his mother’s arms. Finn immediately dropped his head to his daddy’s shoulder and sighed, sniffling. 

“Poor little one,” Lily murmured as Dean took his place in recliner once more, positioned Finn on his shoulder, and pulled his blanket around him.

Finn’s eyes were slightly unfocused and he had kind of a dopey look to him, but he appeared otherwise unscathed. 

“Dean…” Lily began. “Dad and I were talking, and we’re just...we’re proud of you. I know this was a hard decision to make but you did the best thing for your son even when it was scary...that’s the definition of good parenting. Sometimes we have to make really awful choices for our kids. Now that it’s over and he’s fine, are you glad you went through with it?”

“If it works,” Dean’s response was murmured as he gazed down at his sleepy baby boy. 

“You know...I was regretting it the whole time. Like the entire time we sat and waited and believe me, Mom, it was the longest 45 minutes of my life. Every second that passed I was just sure they were going to come out and tell me that something had gone terribly wrong, you know? He’s so small and so young and...but something...I had to do SOMETHING. So then they come and get me and take me back and he was laying in a bassinet asleep. I leaned over and ran my hand over his hair. His eyes popped open and he started to cry, like real tears. It was pitiful. He sounded drunk from the medicine. But when he saw me, really saw me, he smiled. Even through his tears, he saw me and smiled with his eyes all wet and all confused and scared, but seeing me made it better. I think I’d kind of been afraid he’d wake up hating my guts or something, but once I saw that...yeah. I’m glad it’s done. If it works, then I’m glad I did it.”

“You’re a good dad, Dean,” Lily told him quietly. Finn let out a little sigh in his sleep, almost as though he was agreeing, and Dean looked up at her and smiled.

“Thanks, Mom.”

 

_______________________________________

 

Roman remembered being hooked up to an IV, and then he remembered someone gently placing a mask over his face, and the last thing he remembered was being told to count backwards. And then...he dreamed.

_He was three years old and had no idea that other children didn’t have similarly miserable lives._

_Actually, he didn’t know he was miserable._

_It never occurred to him that other kids had fathers. Or that most parents didn’t leave the cereal boxes close to the ground so that their children could reach, rather than actually feed them. He didn’t know that most kids bathed every day._

_He didn’t know, anyway, until the first time a person came and knocked on the front apartment door._

_Mama was asleep on the couch, the brown bottle she always kept near her tucked into the crook of her arm. Roman hated that bottle. Whenever it came out, his mother was fun for awhile but then she started crying a lot. Then she’d start yelling at Roman, things that he couldn’t understand._

_“I was in love with him and he left us and it’s all your fault.”_

_“Stupid little fucker.”_

_“Never shoulda been born.”_

_Roman didn’t have to understand what those words meant to understand that Mommy didn’t really like him very much, but he didn’t really know any better anyway. And then things got worse._

_She’d leave him alone. She couldn’t take him with her, she’d say, “because kids aren’t allowed in the lick-er store.” Fine with him; why anyone wanted to go to a store to get licked was anyone’s guess. Except she’d leave him home by himself. Sometimes it was just a little bit. Then she’d come back with a box that made clinking noises when she set it down, but she was usually happy and she would sometimes walk with him to the park to play and once she even pushed him on the swings for awhile before going home and then sure, she ignored him after that but he held on to how much fun he’d had._

_But sometimes, she’d be gone a long time. Sometimes she’d be gone so long that the sun would go away and come back again and she wouldn’t return until long after Roman had sobbed himself to sleep, scared of the dark and stomach aching from hunger but there was nothing he could really do about it._

_The doorbell rang one day. Mom was asleep on the couch with her bottle. He wasn’t supposed to answer the door, but he was so hungry and crying, he’d long ago learned, got him nowhere. So he slowly answered the door. Maybe whoever was on the other side could get him some cereal. There was a man in regular clothes and behind him stood two police officers. Roman knew about police. They came by sometimes, and he would watch them from the apartment window, red and blue swirling._

_“Hello there,” the man knelt down. “Is your name Roman?”_

_Roman nodded slowly._

_“My name is Greg,” the man said. He seemed nice. “Is your mom home, Roman?”_

_“She’s sleeping,” Roman whispered. “I’m a’posed to be quiet.”_

_“Ah, well, that makes sense if she’s sleeping,” Greg smiled at him, and Roman, ever the trusting child back then, smiled back._

_“Hey, so, someone told me that you and your mom might need some help,” Greg continued. “And that’s my job, is to help kids and their parents. Are you hungry?”_

_Roman nodded vigorously. He’d heard adults say things like they were so hungry they could eat an elephant. He didn’t think he could do that, but he was definitely hungry enough to eat something big. Like an entire chicken, or maybe even a turkey._

_“Tell you what, Roman,” Greg offered his hand and Roman took it. “Why don’t you come sit in my car? We’re going to let your mom know that you’re coming with us, and then I’ll take you to get something to eat.”_

_“Is Mama coming too?” Roman wondered quietly._

_“Not this time, buddy,” Greg told him, every bit as quietly, and Roman just nodded._

_He was five years old and screaming his head off._

_It had been two years, two long years since he’d first been removed from his mother’s care and it felt like he didn’t belong anywhere, but his young self had no way to articulate this. He wasn’t used to feeling angry but…_

_“Roman!” This foster mother was impatient. Not the worst he’d ever had, but she just snapped at him and fired off instructions without really helping him understand what she actually wanted, and then when he didn’t get it, she got angry._

_“Quit it! Quit that! There’s no screaming. Indoor voice, Roman, indoor voice!”_

_He tried to explain that his ears hurt, but she couldn’t be bothered to listen._

_“Big boys don’t scream,” she snapped, taking his hand and leading him to what had to be the 8th different bed he’d slept in the last two years. “When you can talk like a big boy you can come out.”_

_But he couldn’t talk like a big boy, so he didn’t come out. Instead he screamed until he was too exhausted to scream anymore, and laid on his bed and tried to sleep. It never came. It hurt too much. And he wasn’t surprised anymore. He’d not met an adult yet who was interested in taking care of him._

_He was seven years old and back with his mother for the second time. He had no idea how many foster homes he’d been in now (13, for the record), but he wished more than anything that now things could be different._

_She’d promised that they would be, but at this point he knew better. Unfortunately he was right._

_The first week or so had been good. His mom had played with him, helped him with homework, and cooked every single night. It wasn’t fancy, just grilled cheese or Chef Boyardee, but it was night and day better than before, and Roman felt himself begin to let his guard down. Which was how he came to be so broken when it couldn’t last._

_It started with a beer._

_“Just one, baby,” she promised as she squirted ketchup for his hot dogs onto his plate. “You want milk or juice?”_

_“Milk,” Roman replied happily; she was in a really good mood and what could one hurt?_

_But one turned to two, then four, and within a few days, the old brown bottle was back. Mommy stopped playing and went back to sleeping. She stopped cooking. Luckily Roman had watched her, so he managed to microwave his own hot dogs. He also got himself dressed in the mornings and walked to school._

_Roman couldn’t wash his clothes, and it didn’t occur to him to shower regularly. He also didn’t know what to do about underwear; he wore the same pair for over a week. He had no idea that smell was coming off of him, but the other kids at school began to avoid him and even the adults looked at him strangely._

_And then he nearly burned the apartment down._

_All he wanted was dinner. He didn’t know that his mother had spilled liquor all over the range, nor did he know that it was flammable, so he got out a pan like he’d seen her do and opened a can of spaghetti. Then he turned on the stove---and the entire thing lit up._

_He screamed; the heat was so close and awful and he knew from school that he was supposed to stop, drop, and roll, except HE wasn’t on fire so that wasn’t right. He tried to get to the sink for water but it was too hot and then he could vaguely hear his mother behind him and she was screaming too._

_“FIRE! What’ve you done, Roman? What’ve you done?”_

_And then a neighbor was kicking in the door, fire extinguisher in hand, and another was picking him up and carrying him out the door and despite himself, all he could do was cry for his mother. He was absolutely terrified._

_That was the last time he lived with Lisa. And after that, something in him snapped. It would never change. It never, ever did._

_He was nine years old and crying himself to sleep in the 18th foster home he’d lived at in his short life._

_Arms around a dog with a cat on his feet and no idea that one of the people who was going to teach him how to trust again was sitting right outside the door, Roman sobbed._

_How had everything come to this? What was he supposed to do? His heart ached. His head hurt. He couldn’t think, didn’t want to feel, just didn’t want to exist anymore, but he kept on waking up in the morning. Did he have a purpose? Was the only thing he was meant to do in his life was get passed around from one set of parents to the next because he was clearly unloveable?_

_Except...they did._

_Lily and Tony loved him._

_He acted like an ass the first 24 hours and instead of getting angry they took him out to lunch at a real restaurant, and after that Lily took him to Target and the mall. She bought him jeans that fit and shoes that were free of holes, socks that were soft and white and shirts that had no stains._

_She also asked him real questions, which felt odd. What kind of snacks do you like? What’s your favorite meal? What foods do you just not like? Oooh, spicy barbecue chips? These are my favorite! You like these too? So what do you think is your best subject in school? Reading? Why do you like it? Tell me about the best book you’ve ever read._

_Nearly every conversation with his new foster parents was real and thoughtful and usually required him to contribute more than “yes” or “no.”  
Every night one or the other of them read to him before bed. They began with The Hobbit, which grew to become his favorite book ever, and he had no idea then that one day he’d have a little brother who was similarly afraid to trust, and he himself would help that brother overcome all of his fear, because they were a family. _

_And he learned what being loved, truly cherished, felt like. And he even stopped wondering why it had taken so long._

_He was 18 years old and more frightened than he’d ever been, because he was having surgery in the morning and he had enough to live for now that he didn’t want to risk losing it all._

_In the last nine years he’d grown so much, physically AND emotionally, and he had so much love in his life now that he could hardly believe that it hadn’t always been that way._

_Parents that gave him everything._

_Brothers who looked up to him and made him feel strong._

_A woman he knew he was going to marry._

_A nephew he adored._

_Friends who made him laugh._

_It was good. It was more than good; it was outstanding._

Roman was ready to get past this and get on with life again. His father had sat with him the night before and talked to him calmly, reminded him just how much he was loved and that everything would be okay. But Roman knew. He knew better. And as he lay, prone on the table, it began to slip away…

 

___________________________________

 

Finn was given a clean bill of health after surgery, so Dean and his dad packed him up and took him home. 

He’d bounced back after a couple of hours and was even almost kind of smiley, until he realized he was hungry. Then he’d gotten grumpy, but Dr. Martin came in and looked into his ears while he sat on Dean’s lap, and she smiled.

“Looks perfect,” she said. “Feed this boy, Dad.”

A bottle later and Finn was his normal, jovial self.

Once home, Dean sat Finn in his high chair and mixed up some cereal with bananas and gave him a bite to eat. Finn sighed comically and leaned back in his chair and relaxed.

“You look comfy,” Dean told him, and the baby smiled toothlessly. “Happy to be home, huh? Me too, buddy.”

His dad came in then. He’d changed into a pair of pajama bottoms and Yankees t-shirt and he sat at the table across from Dean and Finn.

“So I was thinking,” Tony began, and Dean grinned.

“Dangerous,” he said. Tony laughed.

“Okay, touche, but just hear me out. So I know two surgeries kinda messed up our vacations and our weekends away, and I know you never quite got into baseball as much as I am---”

“Sorry Dad. We’re just a football family I guess,” Dean broke in. 

“Yes, we are,” Tony agreed. “But football doesn’t start again until fall.”

“I know. Think Roman will be able to play?”

“I...probably. That’s what....5, 6 months? Til the college season starts again? Actually I don’t know now, since his injury is worse than they thought, but---dude, this isn’t about Roman, that’s not where I was going. What I was thinking about was that I was looking at the Yankees schedule and guess who’s playing at Texas on opening day? So I was thinking, wanna take this guy to Arlington for his first pro game?”

“Hell yeah!” Dean grinned. He maybe wasn’t a huge baseball fan like his parents, but any opportunity to do something fun with Finn was welcome. “Bet he’d love it. Lots of people to watch.”

“Exactly,” Dad smiled too. “Just something fun to do. That’s only about 3 weeks away. Not even that. I don’t know if Roman will be up for it and I don’t know if Seth will be interested, and your mother wouldn’t walk across the street to see the Yankees play unless it was against the Cubs, so maybe just us three? I mean I’ll ask your brothers of course…”

“Of course,” Dean agreed. But just them three sounded fine to him.

“So what would Finn like in his Easter Basket?” Tony wondered. 

Dean considered the question. Easter had never been a huge deal in their family, but he suspected that if the boys had around when they were younger, it probably would’ve been. Mom and Dad hid baskets the first year or two but after that, typically, they’d just wake up on Easter morning with their baskets sitting on their desks. Generally they got some candy and maybe a gift card or two but that was plenty. 

“I mean he doesn’t really NEED anything,” Dean finally concluded. “You guys do so much for us already.”

“I know, but it’s our privilege to be able to,” Tony replied. “And your mom really wants to give him a stuffed bunny, so yeah.”

Dean laughed.

“He’s got a zillion stuffed animals,” he said. “They’re taking over.”

“Well, he’s a kid. What kid doesn’t---oh,” Tony sighed, remembering. Dean hadn’t had any stuffed animals growing up. By the time he arrived and became a Girardi he was a little old for that. Seth had held onto a stuffy that Roman had given him in the very beginning, but even that eventually wound up being something that just sat on his shelf. 

“It’s okay,” Dean said softly. “I WANT his childhood to be the exact opposite of mine. Let Mom get him the bunny. And...I mean he should start teething soon I think? And everything I’ve read said he’ll be crawling any minute. I’m not so sure; he just isn’t too interested in that yet…”

“Glad you’re okay with it, because I’m pretty sure she already did,” Dad was smiling again. “How about a couple of boxes of cereal?”

“We can always use that,” Dean agreed. “Formula too. Whatcha think, buddy? What should the bunny bring you? Long as he brings me some jelly beans I’m good.”

Finn was half asleep in his high chair by now, exhausted from the day’s events, but he still managed to blow bubbles at Dean, which never failed to make Dean laugh. When Dean laughed, Finn laughed, which in turn made Tony laugh, and then Finn realized he was, as usual, the star of the show. So he blew bubbles again. 

Dean scooped him up and started smooching all over him.

“You’re a mess, buddy,” he said. 

“He’s a ham and a half for sure,” Tony reached across the table to tickle Finn. “Have you ever considered a mesh feeder?”

“A...huh?”

“It’s like...kind of like a bubble made of soft mesh. You put fruit in it, maybe some cooked veggies, and then he can chew on it and juice comes out but no big chunks of anything that could choke him.”

“That sounds...messy but like a good way to start him on real food, but Dad, how do you know about something like that?”

“You’re not the only one who did his research, son,” Tony replied. 

“He’s growing too fast,” Dean sighed. “It’s like he was just born last week and sleeping on my chest all tiny and then I turned around and now we’re talking about real food and crawling and he’s gonna grow up before my very eyes. I don’t think I like it.”

“Yeah,” his father replied dryly. “I know exactly what you mean.”

Finn yawned a giant yawn right then and began to whine a little.

“C’mere, you,” Dean stood and patted his baby on the back. “Let’s go change your butt and take a nap. Maybe you do still sleep on my chest once in awhile.”

They both fell asleep in the glider, though not before Dean realized something. Finn had always been kind of a noisy sleeper. He didn’t exactly snore but he’d make grumbly sounds, almost as though he was clearing his throat. But today, his sleep was quiet. Perhaps getting his ears fixed had helped?

He woke up who knows how much later to his father gently patting his shoulder.

“Dean? Buddy, listen. Mom called. I need to go back to the hospital. She said there’s no reason to panic, but something went wrong with Roman.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends, whatever you celebrate here coming up or past, I hope it's wonderful.


	137. Let's Talk About Sex

It’s not like Seth was any stranger to fear but when Cici and the nurse from before, Christi, had appeared in the doorway of the waiting room, one look at his mother’s face brought the awful feeling crashing back.

“Lily…” Cici murmured.

“What happened?” His mother’s voice sounded stricken. Both she and Megan had leapt to their feet. “What’s wrong, what is it?”

“Listen,” Christi spoke next. “The first thing you need to know is that right now he’s absolutely fine. But there was a problem. His blood pressure tanked.”

“Oh God,” Mom whispered. Seth looked up. What did this mean?

“It dropped extremely low,” Cici continued for Christi. “And that caused his respiration to slow considerably.”

“How low? And how slow?” Lily was shaking slightly now as she sat back down, and that was probably the scariest thing to Seth. He wrapped his arm around her and squeezed Megan’s hand.

“At it’s lowest point it was 40/0,” Cici replied quietly. 

“That’s...that’s not...but he’s okay now?”

“Yes. His BP is normal again. His heart never actually stopped. He never actually stopped breathing. Ed gave him Orvaten in his IV and we elevated his legs and he stabilized very quickly, within a few minutes. Ed thinks it’s okay to continue with surgery. It’s almost finished now anyway…”

“Yeah. Yes. Okay,” Lily whispered, sagging back against Seth. Cici hugged her tight, and then both she and Christi left the waiting room.

“What does that mean,” Megan looked near tears. “Lily...what does that MEAN?”

“It means he...so like...when your blood pressure is high, your heart has to work too hard to pump. When your blood pressure is that LOW, your heart is barely pumping at all,” Lily’s voice sounded fake, controlled, as though what she really wanted was to scream but she was trying to keep herself together.

“But...his blood pressure was zero. Zero. So his heart was almost not beating a all. So he almost died,” Megan whispered.

“Not...not if it got fixed that quickly. It...the body can correct low BP on its own a lot of times and like...she said they elevated his feet. They do that so that blood can flow back to the heart more easily. Have you ever stood up too fast and gotten dizzy?”

Megan and Seth both nodded.

“That’s because the sudden change pulls blood away from your heart which makes your blood pressure drop. But anesthesia can affect it too, because it cuts off a lot of body sensors so you sleep through an operation. It...it sounds awful I know but...I trust Ed, and Cici would do absolutely anything for my boys. If they say it’s okay to finish...oh Roman…”

Lily shook her head and Seth saw a few tears trickle down Megan’s cheek. 

“I hate this,” she whispered. 

“I know, baby,” Lily whispered back. “I hate it too.”

It was probably less than an hour later when Dr. Calhoun came in. Dad had arrived by then, with an overnight bag, and the doctor assured them all that Roman had bounced right back.

“We’ve got a close eye on him but his blood pressure’s perfect right now,” the doctor told them. 

“Go on home, bub,” Lily told him as she hugged him close. “Get some rest, baby. Roman’s gonna be fine now.”

Seth called Valentino on the way, who agreed to meet him at the house, and when he did, Seth allowed himself to be enveloped into a hug and he let himself cry for awhile.

That hug kept him grounded these days, something he really truly needed.

_His audition for Aladdin had been exceptional and he knew it and honestly, Seth didn’t get to brag on himself too often, so he didn’t mind saying it this time._

_He read for several parts and he opted to let Vali watch. His boyfriend actually had tears in his eyes by the time Seth was done, something he didn’t really understand, until he got pulled into that hug again and he could feel Vali’s heart pounding._

_“I can’t help it,” Valentino had explained. “I just...watching you do something you so clearly love makes me all emotional and crap.”_

_“That sounds like something Dean would say,” Seth had teased but he rested his head on Vali’s shoulder anyway and just stood with him like that for a long time._

_Seth was ecstatic beyond words when the results were posted the next day. They posted guy’s parts and girl’s parts on separate lists, so he read down his list first of course and it’s possible he shrieked a little. And right after his name, Vali was listed as Jafar. In fact, the entire cast list of guys looked perfect to Seth and he was feeling really good about it---until he looked at the list of girls who’d been cast._

_Playing the part of Jasmine was---Katie Laird._

_Huh?_

_Seth hadn’t even known she was excited about theatre, never mind that she’d actually auditioned, so his ex-girlfriend playing the female lead WITH him gave him pause. Actually it made him panic._

_“Seth. Calm down. You knew you’d have to kiss a girl in this play right?” Vali and that hug tried to help him settle, but he was too busy freaking out._

_“Yeah. Yeah but I really...I just didn’t THINK about it. I can’t...I don’t wanna DO this anymore.”_

_“It’s just a stage kiss, Ali. Breathe.”_

_“No, no, no, you don’t understand, I can’t do it. I’m gay. I’m a gay guy. I have a boyfriend. GUYS WITH BOYFRIENDS DON’T KISS GIRLS!!!!”_

_“I don’t understand, huh?” Vali repeated, amused, and Seth froze and then sagged against him._

_“I’m sorry,” he whispered._

_“You’re not upset about kissing a girl,” Vali said plainly. “You’re upset because it’s Katie.”_

_Seth nodded into Valentino’s neck._

_“You’re upset because you’ve kissed her before.”_

_He nodded again._

_“Are you afraid you’re gonna like it?”_

_Seth wrinkled his nose._

_“I barely liked it when I did it last time,” he said finally. “And that was before I knew I wasn’t into girls. I just...I’m not comfortable. She broke up with me because I wouldn’t...because I wouldn’t have sex with her. And then she wanted to get back together…”_

_“Well duh. Who wouldn’t? This guy I’m holding right now is pretty fucking awesome.”_

_“He’s a fucking mess,” Seth mumbled into Vali’s neck._

_“Nah. He’s just still figuring out who he is, which is hard because he seems to feel like that needs to happen overnight, but it’s just not like that. I’m here though. I’m gonna help him. Because he’s worth it.”_

_“He wants to be.”_

_“He is. Do you know when I first met him he would never have even tried to audition for a musical and now here he is singing the lead? I just hope he always knows how much I love him and how proud I am.”_

_“Bet he does. Bet you tell him all the time. Bet you’re the best boyfriend in the whole world,” Seth could feel himself calm down. Valentino pressed his lips to his forehead for a long moment before whispering,_

_“Second best."_

Now at Seth’s house he was a wreck again, but as always, Vali’s hold on him was strong and safe and it didn’t take him long before crying turned to kissing. It was a welcome distraction, to be honest. He knew Roman was okay now. The surgery was over and he was resting and pretty comfortable thanks to pain meds. Their parents were with him and Seth was confident they’d let no harm come to Roman. He still felt shaky and weak though, and he welcomed Vali’s lips pressed to his.

It made him feel good. And lately it made him want more. The thing was, Seth didn’t really think he was sure what “more” meant, or even how to ask for it. He knew all too well what sex was, sure. He also knew that wouldn’t happen for awhile yet, but did that mean he couldn’t want to be touched and things like that?”

He sighed into Vali’s mouth, and Vali rested their foreheads together.

“You’re thinking hard,” Vali murmured softly.

“I can’t help it,” Seth sighed again. “Vali? Do you ever think about us having sex?”

This clearly gave Valentino pause. He looked into Seth’s eyes for a long while, as though he was searching for...something.

“Yes,” he said finally. “I do.”

“You...so you want to?”

“Yes,” Vali repeated.

“But...why?”

Seth expected a mildly sarcastic comment in return, perhaps “I’m 18. Why do you think?” Or something similar to that. But he got no such thing.

“Because I love you and I want to show you what it’s supposed to be like.”

Seth stilled against Vali’s chest. 

“I want the intimacy, babe. I want to feel you so close to me that we become one. I want...that trust.”

“But I do trust you, Mufasa,” Seth was worried now. This conversation wasn’t going the direction he thought it would.

“I know you do. But I’m not sure you’re quite ready to trust me with this. And I wouldn’t blame you.”

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to treat me with kid gloves,” Seth whispered.

“Baby boy, listen to me. It’s not for your sake that I’m saying this. It’s for mine. I’ve never been with a person who’s been through the kind of things that were done to you. It isn’t your fault and that’s not what I mean. I need to know that your trust is in me so that I can trust myself not to hurt you in any fashion. That’s all.”

“What is it like?” Seth whispered.

“Hmmmm…” Vali hummed. “It’s like the ultimate intimate act. I mean I think laying here holding you is pretty intimate too so I’m sure not complaining. But it isn’t only about physical stuff. And I haven’t done it much either. But to be honest...I just like to be close to you, Seth. I like right now when I’m holding you so close I can feel your heart beat. I like when I lay my head on your lap and you play with my hair. I like holding hands. I like when we’re watching a scary movie and you jump so that you’re closer to me, even though I know damn well you aren’t afraid of scary movies. Intimacy comes in many forms, babe. Not just sex.”

Seth felt himself relaxing against Vali.

“I know. You’re right. And I love all those things too. But sometimes I think about...about what it would be like. Not even just SEX but...but…”

“Foreplay?”

“Yeah...maybe…”

“Well...look, babe. We can try anything you want. You don’t jump to sex anyway. Nor do we have to have sex after we’ve tried other stuff. You know, if it doesn’t feel right or even if it’s just enough for one day. I’m down with whatever, baby, I just want us to both be happy.” 

Seth snuggled up against Vali’s chest. 

“I want more,” he whispered. “I’m not ready for all of it, and I don’t know what there is or what to even try, I just…”

He trailed off, but he looked up into Valentino’s eyes to find his boyfriend smiling gently down at him. 

“Tell you what,” Vali murmured, holding him close. “Tonight I’m just going to touch. Okay? We’ll keep making out but I’ll let my hands move around a little. Nothing too big. You just have to promise you’ll let me know if it starts getting uncomfortable.”

“Okay. I will,” Seth agreed and he leaned into Vali’s kiss before whispering softly,

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” Valentino whispered. “Don’t be afraid, babe. I’m gonna take care of you.”

 

_________________________________

 

“Mmmmmmmmmmmm,” Tony sat beside Roman as his son moaned. He was semi-awake, semi-aware, and clearly in a lot of pain. 

“You’re doing good, buddy,” he soothed. “I know it sucks, bud. Try and relax.”

“Daddddddyyyyyyyy,” Roman managed a wail as he clung to his father’s hand. Megan was standing up by his head, stroking his hair and face and trying to console him. Lily was out in the hall discussing exactly what could be done to manage this agony.

“I know, buddy,” he murmured softly. “I know. We’re working on it, son.”

“Want another ice chip?” Megan gently rubbed the ice over his lips and he parted them slightly to accept it into his mouth.

Roman groaned and screwed up his face and tried to flail his arms. The problem was, the entire right side of his upper body was immobile. White bandages swathed his shoulder and he was wrapped up in a black sling that held his entire arm in place. Tony worried, for a moment, that his movements would cause more damage, but he wasn’t strong enough at that point to move too hard anyway.

“You’re gonna be okay, Ro,” Megan spoke to him softly, voice firm but tender. “Your dad’s right; it sucks right now but it’s not gonna last forever.”

“Megs,” he whimpered in response.

“I’m right here.”

“Megs,” he repeated desperately. 

“Baby, I know. I know. I love you.”

Roman’s reply was a sob.

Right then Lily returned to the room.

“Okay, kiddo,” she murmured, leaning over to kiss Roman’s forehead. “Just hang tight.”

To Tony and Megan she said quietly,

“We were hoping just some percoset would do it but that clearly isn’t the case. They’re going to go ahead and give him some morphine so he can rest tonight. Tomorrow they’ll wean him off of that.”

“Morphine isn’t good for his blood pressure is it?” Megan questioned.

“It’s something they’ll be monitoring very closely. If he can just settle, that’ll help a lot.”

Thirty minutes later Roman was still. He breathed deeply now, eyes just slits, and every so often he’d mumble incoherently but he was no longer moaning and writhing and his vital signs were stable.

Lily and Tony had sent Megan to pick up some dinner. The surgical center had no cafeteria and they hadn’t been planning on still being there. In fact Lu was still in her jeans from that morning. Tony had managed to shrug himself into a pair of sweat pants that didn’t have the batman logo all over them before coming back, but he wondered if he should try to talk his wife into going home. 

She was sitting beside Roman, elbows on his bed, squeezing his hand. He was looking at her, sort of, eyes barely open. Tony smiled at the exchange between them.

“I love you, Roman Nicholas,” she told him gently.

“I love you, Mama,” their son mumbled slowly. 

“Do you feel better?”

“Ya.”

“Good…”

“Mama?”

“Hmmm, baby?” Lily sat up a little and regarded their boy.

“Megs is gone?”

Lily’s face softened.

“She’ll be right back,” Lily pressed a kiss to Roman’s fist. “She’s gonna be right back, my love.”

“I love her,” Roman whimpered.

“I know you do. She loves you too.”

“Wanna...wanna get married.”

Lily sighed softly.

“I know, baby boy. Some day.”

“Soon,” Roman’s voice was barely a whisper now and Tony could tell he was about to fall asleep.

“We’ll see, baby,” Lily gingerly smoothed Roman’s hair back. “You have the whole rest of your life for that though, huh?”

“Not...can’t wait,” Roman was in no distress, but he was still trying to talk to his mother. “Almost...almost died.”

Tony froze for a moment; as far as he knew no one had discussed that incident with Roman yet, so how could he possibly know?

“No, listen to me,” Lily’s tone had changed slightly too. “You didn’t almost die. You’re just fine now. Roman, rest, baby. Okay? Try and sleep for me? Megan will be right back and you’re gonna get a good night’s sleep and in the morning everything is going to be better.”

Roman sighed.

“Better,” he mumbled before dozing off.

 

____________________________________

 

When Megan returned, arms laden with bags of takeout from Chen Garden, she parked herself and her cashew chicken beside her boyfriend. He was asleep, snoring slightly, and both of his parents assured her that he was much more comfortable now, but she checked him over thoroughly anyway. She thought she detected a hint of a smile on Lily’s face as she did this, but she paid no mind. 

She totally despised this whole thing, and she knew that in her lifetime, there were no guarantees. Nothing to promise her that she’d never have to go through something like this with him ever again. Nothing to promise that she wouldn’t get sick again. Megan was in love with Roman; that much she was certain of. But they were meant to take care of each other no matter what and this was so awful. Could they do it?

Roman let out a soft rumble beside her and she jumped a little before turning to him. It had just been a snore. She sighed and rested her hand on his forearm. 

Lily stood up.

“Okay,” she said softly, kissing Tony. “I’m gonna go home. Change, check in with Dean, try and get some sleep. Megan? You sure you can stay tonight?”

Megan felt her heart pound; she was so sure she was going to be asked to leave when the time was right, yet here...here.

“Yes. I’m fine,” she said. 

“Okay,” Lily replied. “You and Tony stay here. Call me if you need anything okay?”

Megan and Tony both nodded.

She and Roman’s dad chatted for awhile, then Tony pointed to the love seat.

“You want it?”

Megan thought for a moment before deciding.

“No. No, I...I want to stay close to him. If that’s okay?”

“That’s just fine,” Tony grinned. “I think he’d like that too. But wake me up if you need me or if you want to switch. Promise me you will?”

Megan smiled back. 

“I promise.”

Not much later, Tony was asleep on the loveseat when Roman let out a soft moan.

“Ice?”

“Of course,” Megan grabbed the cup and the spoon and gently let a small piece slide between his lips.

“More?”

“Yes,” she murmured, trying to be soothing. Roman sucked on several ice chips before whispering,

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. How do you feel?”

He paused for a long moment.

“Weird.”

“Weird? Weird...how?”

“I can’t...I can’t feel my body…”

Megan giggled softly.

“Under the circumstances I think that might be a good thing, baby.”

“It...it’s really bad, isn’t it.”

He wasn’t asking. Megan got up so she could sit on the edge of his bed and take his good hand. She smoothed his hair away from his face.

“It’s worse than we thought,” she confirmed. “But all that means is a longer recovery time. Dr. Calhoun said that everything is fixed now and you’ll have to rehab it but it will heal completely.”

“There goes football,” he sighed.

“It’s too early to tell that, baby, and you’re not getting an athletic scholarship for next year anyway right? So we’ll just have to wait and see.”

He nodded and closed his eyes, then started back.

“I died,” he said softly. Megan felt a jolt to the pit of her stomach.

“No. You didn’t die, baby,” she replied, squeezing his hand hard. “Your blood pressure dropped but you didn’t---”

“No, Megs. I really...it was like...like I was outside my body. I’d been dreaming. I’d been dreaming about my...my past. And then suddenly I was watching. Cici freaked out. Dr. Calhoun asked for some drug and then they put my feet up. And for just a split second, my heart wasn’t beating.”

“The doctor said your heart never actually stopped, baby,” Megan told him gently. “I think maybe you were still dreaming?”

“Maybe...maybe,” Roman looked sleepy, but then his eyes shot open.

“I want to get married,” he said. She grinned.

“I want that too.”

“No but...I want to get married soon. Soon. Just in case...just in case something else happens. I love you.”

“Shhhh, babe,” Megan crooned. “I love you too but you’re really doped up right now. We’ll talk about this again soon, I promise, okay? But let’s wait until your head is clear and we’re both more awake.”

“Okay...soon,” he mumbled. It didn’t take long for Roman to fall asleep again. But Megan sat there for a long time afterwards. Did this proposal really count?


	138. Stand With Me

It had been a long time since the last time Seth saw Adria, and he was feeling pretty guilty about that. 

They’d written letters back and forth for awhile, but as time went on, Seth began to realize that for every 4 letters he sent her, he maybe got one back, and the ones that came were beginning to sound a little...well, Seth didn’t like the word crazy, but they weren’t making as much sense these days. 

It scared him.

Even still, he wanted Valentino to meet her. He was still too young to know if he’d end up with schizophrenia himself, and it would be years before he could be considered in the clear. And the last thing Seth wanted was for Vali to commit to him, only to realize too late that Seth was insane too.

And even if that didn’t happen, Seth still wanted Vali to meet her. His boyfriend had become such a huge part of Seth’s life after all; he could see no future without Valentino, and Seth’s relationship with Adria, whatever it was, was important to him too. He wanted Vali to see that, to understand it, or at least to try. 

Seth hadn’t seen Adria since he came out. He’d told her about his feelings in a few of his letters, and she had at one point responded by letting him know that love is what it is, and he deserved true love just like anyone else no matter who he fell for. He hadn’t been sure what kind of response he was expecting, though it hadn’t been that. Seth actually had a feeling that once upon a time, Adria had probably been quite liberal, so he wasn’t sure why her reaction surprised him a little. In his mind he could see her advocating for civil rights or the environment or ethical treatment of animals. They’d never discussed these things; she was just too far gone. But still, somewhere in the recesses of Seth’s mind, he could imagine Adria not caring one single bit about his sexuality.

Even if she hadn’t left him.

Seth loved her. Not like a mother, not even close. She could never hold a candle to Lily, even if she wasn’t doped out of her mind most of the time. It was just...she HAD given birth to him. And he did regard her as a friend. Her happiness and comfort were important to him; he wanted to know she was being taken care of at the facility. And he really did enjoy her letters, even if they WERE becoming a little odd. 

But as much as he loved her, and he did, he still couldn’t quite forgive her.

Nevertheless, it would do him no good to hold a grudge against someone who wasn’t sorry anyway, and the beauty of their current arrangement was that he didn’t have to let it go, but he didn’t have to guard himself anymore either. Even if she was capable of hurting him at this point, there was nothing she could do to harm him that was worse than what had already been done, and that was water under the bridge now. 

So he asked Vali over coffee if he’d go with him to Austin to meet Adria, and Valentino hadn’t even hesitated to say yes.

“It’s hard,” Seth warned. “I haven’t...I’ve only visited her a handful of times and it doesn’t get easier.”

“How do you mean?” Vali asked.

“She legit doesn’t remember any of it,” Seth murmured. “I always...like I don’t want her to feel guilty or relive it or anything like that. I just...want her to tell me that she loved me. I know she’s written about it, and I have pics that basically show that she did, but I still...I just want to hear her say it. Just once. And she can’t. Because she doesn’t know she did. Or does or whatever. I don’t know; it’s hard to explain.”

Valentino took Seth’s hands.

“I know it’s hard; it couldn’t possibly not be hard. Just from what you’ve told me, I know it’s gotta be so tough. I really admire that you make a solid effort. I don’t know if I could. It’ll be okay, Seth.”

Seth doubted this, but at least his boyfriend was going into it with an open mind.

“Do you want me to come?” Lily had asked him the night before they left. “It’s probably not too late to get a hotel room; we could stay ‘til Sunday and then drive back.”

Seth considered this but ultimately decided against it.

“I mean if you want to come, that’s cool,” he told his mom. “But like...I have a feeling his parents wouldn’t agree to that anyway, and I kind of just want to go and get back.”

“Well...okay,” she had been hesitant. “It’s just...those visits can be hard on you, bub. If you need me…”

“I think I’ll be okay,” Seth replied. “I’m kind of used to it now. But thank you. I love you, Mama.”

“Love you too, bub,” Lily hugged him. “And I love you too.” 

She reached for Valentino. He happily returned her hug before grabbing Seth’s hand. They went back to Seth’s bedroom then, and stretched out on his bed, though Seth left his door open out of courtesy to his mother.

The next morning it was raining when Seth went over to Vali’s to pick him up. That probably should’ve foreshadowed how the visit would go, but they rode out to Austin after stopping at Subway for some breakfast sandwiches. 

On the way they talked about prom.

“It’s coming quick,” Vali reminded Seth. “Do you want to go?”

“Uh, yeah,” Seth joked. “Last year I went with Claudia.”

“Danner? But isn’t she...kind of...I mean you don’t DO that with girls…”

“I know,” Seth giggled. “But she didn’t. And back then I really didn’t either. It was miserable anyway, though, so I kind of want one more chance.”

“You’re comfortable going with me?”

“What kind of question is that?” Seth was confused now. “I mean everyone knows we’re together and no one cares…”

“I know,” Vali reached across the console and took Seth’s hand. “I guess I just...you know what? You’re right. It was a dumb question. Last year’s prom was fairly miserable for me too. That was the night J.D. broke up with me over the race thing. After, you know, we went to the dance and barely spoke to each other. It left a bad taste in my mouth. But that was then. I’m in love now. What do you want to wear?”

Seth grinned; this banter felt good and Vali’s casual affirmation of his love felt better.

“I don’t know,” he replied. “But you have to buy me a corsage.”

Valentino broke out into a giant smile.

“Oh, don’t worry,” he answered. “I’ll go you even better than that.”

The good mood between them lasted until exactly 15 seconds before Adria joined them in the visiting room, when Seth could hear her voice from the hall.

“Seth? Seth who? Who is Seth? Why do I have to visit with Seth?”

He could feel his face grow pale. Vali took his hand under the table, and then...she was standing in the doorway.

Adria looked pretty horrible, in all honesty, not that she ever looked especially vibrant or healthy. It was a comparison that Seth often made between her and Lily; where his mother always just looked alive, Adria tended to appear gaunt and sickly most of the time. But today, she looked worse.

She was thinner, which was hard to even imagine. Her hair had grown a little but it hung limply and there were grays that hadn’t been there before. Her cheeks and eyes appeared sunk-in. This was also the most emotion she had ever shown, and her voice sounded angry. No, her voice sounded...venomous.

Seth stood as she entered the room and Vali followed, and he reached out for her hand, but she shook him off.

“Hey, Adria,” he murmured. “How are you?”

“Oh. It’s you,” she muttered in response. 

It startled him. She may not remember him, but she’d never been unhappy to see him before.

“Yeah, I---it’s me. You...you said we could come. Remember?”

“No,” she said coldly. “Who is this?”

“This is Valentino. I wrote to you about him. He’s my boyfriend.”

“Your boyfriend? But you’re a boy.”

“I know. I’m gay. I tried to date girls but that didn’t work too well and then I met Vali and...I’m in love with him.”

Finally, finally Adria smiled a little.

“Love is good. I’m glad you have love in your life. Seth...you said your name is Seth?”

“Yeah. Seth. Seth Girardi.”

“Not Seth Rollins?”

He shook his head.

“Not anymore. I was adopted.”

“My name is Adria Rollins.”

“I know.”

“How do you know?” Adria’s voice shifted back to anger. “How do you KNOW? Have you been watching me? Have you been tracking me? HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?”

Seth could feel himself beginning to shake; this wasn’t right. It wasn’t normal. 

“No,” he said quietly. “I know that because we’re friends. I know it because I’ve been coming to visit you for a little over a year now and we write to each other and...and...because you’ve told me.”

Something in Adria’s expression changed slightly, relaxed somehow, and for a moment Seth thought maybe she was beginning to understand, was beginning to clear, when instead, she uttered more cold words.

“Is the sex good?”

Stunned, embarrassed, fully aware of the tension in Valentino’s shoulders, Seth hung his head. He was surprised to feel Vali squeeze his hand.

“No sex,” he said calmly. “And that’s a pretty private question to ask someone you say you don’t even know.”

“He’s a little liar,” Adria retorted. “He says he’s my son, but I don’t have children.”

“Well, you’re a liar too,” Vali answered her, still calm and firm. “You obviously remember more than you let on. Do you have any idea the hell you’ve put him through? How convenient to just let him believe you’ve forgotten all about it. But I don’t lie, and I’m not letting you hurt him. C’mon, Seth.”

But Seth sat frozen, an entire range of emotions running through him. Relief, anger, fear, sadness...he couldn’t even catalog it all. Had she really been lying about all of it? Had she really known all of this time? Was it possible? 

“Seth,” Vali said again, softer this time, and Seth jerked out of the trance he was in and looked at his boyfriend, who to his surprise, had tears in his eyes.

“Let’s go,” Vali repeated, gently tugging Seth’s hand and this time, Seth stood up and allowed himself to be lead from the room, the sound of Adria yelling and swearing behind them ringing in his ears.

In the parking lot, Seth rounded on Valentino.

“Why did you DO that?” Hot tears stung his eyes too, but he refused to let them fall. “Now she’ll never want me to come back.”

“You WANT to come back?” Vali sounded incredulous and more than a little angry himself. “After the way she treats you?”

“She’s sick, she doesn’t know what she’s doing!” Fury enveloped Seth; how dare Valentino...how dare…

Even he couldn’t finish the thought though. He may be feeling stubborn and angry but he couldn’t deny that Vali was right. He just wasn’t about to admit it. There was no way Vali could understand what this was like, when Seth didn’t even understand it himself. He said as much.

“Seth, she is toxic to you,” Vali murmured, making a clear attempt to soften.

“She isn’t like this,” Seth insisted. “She’s just...having a bad day, or something, but I swear she’s never been like this and I can’t just walk out on her.”

“And I can’t sit there and listen to someone lie to you and make you feel three inches tall. Seth, I love you. I love you too much to sit back and let that happen. Just...baby, I love you. I’m sorry if I overstepped. But you’re too important to me.”

With a huff, Seth got in the car after passing Vali the keys; no way did he feel like driving and he definitely didn’t want to talk. Instead he drew his knees up to his chest and hugged them and tried to fall asleep.

It didn’t work, though, and with an hour to go before arriving back in Houston, sobs started escaping him. Vali offered his hand but Seth ignored it, turning to the side and leaning his head against the car window. 

“Hey. Hey, baby. It’s okay. I promise it’s okay,” Valentino murmured, but Seth wanted no part of his consolation. Then he felt the car begin to slow.

The movement stopped and the next thing Seth knew, Vali was at his side, opening his door and pulling him to his feet and into warm, tight arms. He stopped fighting it then. It was too much, and he was too confused and all he wanted was to just feel better.

“Let it out,” Vali was quiet, his voice low and soothing. “You can’t hold all that in, babe.”

“I’m sorry,” Seth moaned. “I didn’t mean to get angry.”

“No. No, baby, it’s...I probably didn’t handle that right. I could’ve done it differently. It’s just...you couldn’t see the look on your face.”

“I’m not going to stop visiting her,” Seth whispered into Vali’s shoulder. “I just can’t. I just...I know I don’t owe her anything but I just...it’s hard to explain.”

“You shouldn’t stop visiting her,” Vali’s murmured response came with a soft kiss to Seth’s cheek. “I’d go back with you tomorrow if that’s what you wanted to do. Seth, I know she can’t help it and I’m not saying she could. But that doesn’t mean you have to sit there and take that treatment either. If she’s having a bad day that’s not on her but it’s definitely not your fault either and all I’m saying is it’s okay to take a step back and try again some other time.”  
Seth nodded; he knew this and Vali wasn’t wrong. 

 

_____________________________________-

 

The spring break had been okay, but just okay. Dean loved it when he could spend guilt-free time at home with his boy, and the little man made a full recovery within two days. So naturally Dean had to spend as much time playing with his son as he could possibly fit into a day. 

It sucked seeing Roman so miserable though. And he was definitely miserable. He had to keep his shoulder immobile for awhile before he could even start rehab, which was bad enough. He had to sleep in a recliner to keep him from moving around too much, and he wasn’t allowed to actually shower, so more than once either Dean, Seth, or Tony helped him with a sponge bath. Plus, Dean was fairly certain that NONE of them anticipated how much pain his brother would be in.

He and Seth did what they could to help keep Roman entertained and comfortable. Dean took to reading Finn his nightly bedtime story on the couch so his big brother could listen in. Neither of them hesitated to hop into the car and run to Sonic, lest Roman want a shake or a vanilla cream Coke. And Dean knew Roman enjoyed watching them play with the baby. It also helped that Megan came by frequently, and both parents were there to step in when Roman needed it.

Finn mastered sitting up just in time to take seven month pictures, roughly a week prior to the surgery, but afterwards Dean couldn’t help but notice that he seemed even sturdier. Could this be an example of his balance improving because his ears were getting better? Dean thought it must be. So one of the first things they did was play a game Dean liked to call “Roll the Ball.”

This was a simple as it sounded. It basically consisted of Dean sitting on the floor a few feet across from the baby while someone else sat behind him. Then Dean would roll Finn his soft fabric ball. In the beginning the person behind Finn’s main job was to help him catch the ball and roll it back, but it didn’t take the little guy long to figure out what to do. He couldn’t actually roll the ball but he could smack it with his little hand and beam at his daddy when it rolled back towards Dean, who always cheered.

Soon enough, Finn also figured out that he could do something else.

He’d grabbed the ball in one fist and was happily shaking it around when he let go. Dean never did figure out if he let go on purpose or by accident, but the second the ball went flying and Dean scrambled after it, Finn laughed so hard he tipped over. Luckily Seth was there to catch him.

This elicited a giggle from Roman’s chair, and Finn never was one to miss an opportunity to get a reaction, so he did it again, and then again, until eventually Dean was out of breath from chasing the ball, Seth and Finn were out of breath from laughing, and even Roman had a grin plastered to his face. 

“Could he be any more awesome?” Dean asked, laying on his back on the carpet and plopping Finn down onto his chest.

“Don’t see how,” Seth replied. 

Babies were the best kind of medicine, something Dean had known for awhile but it certainly didn’t hurt to have Finn around to help lift Roman’s spirits. 

March in Houston tended to be decent, weatherwise, so one day Dean bundled Finn into a jacket and went off with Seth and Vali to take the baby for his first ever trip to the zoo. They brought the stroller just in case but Dean opted to just hold the baby instead. Finn was completely delighted by the whole experience, babbling and squealing whenever he saw something that caught his interest. He was especially engaged by the chimpanzees, one of which appeared to be very young itself. Dean held Finn facing away from him so he could peer into the enclosure, and the baby chimp pressed its own face against the glass and made what could only be described as a grin. Finn took one look and giggled. 

Really he was fascinated with all of the animals. He watched the tigers with a certain wild-eyed fascination. His eyes grew enormous when a giraffe got close. Finn even wrinkled his nose in distaste when they went inside to see the elephant enclosure, the smell apparently offending the little fella.  
Dean knew they’d have to come back often. 

Even Valentino noticed all of this, and he laughed and said,

“He’s so funny. He’s starting to look and act more like a real kid than a baby!”

Dean didn’t like this at all; Finn was definitely growing up way too fast. Did anyone really have to call attention to it? 

But he couldn’t really fault Valentino when later on in the break, it happened.

It happened exactly two weeks after Finn’s ear tubes went in.

The break was winding down and the boys were gearing up to head back to school. Roman had been given an emergency absence pass to his Monday, Wednesday, and Friday classes so that he could take an extra week. Seth was anxious to get back to drama rehearsals, and even Dean was kind of excited, because as much as he missed Finn, he was also painting sets for Aladdin, which he found he really enjoyed.

He’d been doing his best to help out while he was home because his mother did virtually everything while he wasn’t, so that Friday afternoon while Finn napped peacefully in his crib, Dean brought all of the dirty laundry into the living room to sort while he and Roman watched TV together. Then once sorted, he opted to go ahead and start a load, except he forgot he’d left a few of Finn’s onesies in the diaper bag. So he silently slipped down the hall and into his bedroom, where he discovered something kind of shocking.

Finn was wide awake, babbling.

And standing in his crib, clinging to the railing, sure, but still, standing. 

In fact, Dean didn’t really register it at first. He snuck in, glanced over, saw the wide awake baby, and said,

“Hi, buddy!”

Then he started to turn and head back to his laundry when it hit him.

Wait a minute.

Dean slowly turned around and looked at his son.

“What,” he said, “are you doing?”

Finn smiled a huge, toothless grin.

“Oh my God,” Dean laughed. “Look at you. Look at you! What a big boy!”

Loathe to miss this getting his Canon ready, he slowly pulled his phone from his pocket, clothes forgotten, and snapped a few quick pics. Then he approached the crib.

Finn still stood, tall and proud, holding tight to the crib rail but he appeared to be pretty steady this way. 

“Finny...I’m so proud of you!”

He was still in a state of shock. Finn was closer to 8 months than 7 at this point, but this still seemed awfully young to be standing for a baby who hadn’t even seriously considered crawling yet.

Finn must’ve sensed his father’s uncertainty, because he let go of the side of the crib and reached his arms up for Dean---and promptly fell over. He toppled backwards onto his back and stared up at Dean for a moment before his face crumbled and he began to cry.

“Hey...hey, buddy,” Dean scooped him up and hugged him tight. Nothing about him appeared to be hurt, save for his pride, so they sat together in the glider and Dean rocked him, all the while crooning.

“Guess we aren’t running any marathons yet though, huh? Man, you gotta stop growing up so fast. I love you so much, buddy. We have plenty of time to learn all of this stuff. There’s no hurry, bud. I’ll help you. Don’t be upset.”

Eventually Finn’s wails dissipated into sniffles, but then Tony tapped on the door.

“Little guy mad?”

“Yeah...he’s okay though. But Dad. Dad. Look.”

Dean handed over his phone with the picture on display and Tony’s jaw dropped.

“Wait. Is he---whoa. Getting a little big for your britches there, huh, buddy?”

“Yeah...yeah he is,” Dean replied. Tony smiled and sat down on the edge of Dean’s bed.

“These are the kind of moments in your childhood that Mom and I missed,” he told Dean softly. “This---these moments. Finn’s giving us that. Remember that okay? The next time you’re worried about who’s going to pay for his Easter basket or how much diapers cost. It’s...kind of a trade off. Son, we help you because we love you, but you share this with us and we’re pretty damn thankful for him too.”

Dean grinned then; he couldn’t help it. Because sometimes, he DID feel guilty that his parents did so much and he could do so little, no matter how much he appreciated it. Appreciation, he supposed, went farther than money. But that knowledge didn’t always make things easier.

“Your mom is gonna flip when she sees this,” Tony laughed.

“Is she back yet?” Dean asked. 

“Nope. But we mysteriously go through a lot more food when you boys are home from school on a break. So I know the grocery list was long. Anyway, I’m headed out. I’m about to do something either really stupid or really genius. I’ll let you know when it’s done.”

“What?” Dean wondered. What could his father possibly have up his sleeve?

“Well, you know the anniversary party is coming together nicely,” Tony began. “And I’ve got a few gifts for Mom, including a trip to Paris like we said. And now after all of this with Roman, we’ll see if she’s actually willing to go.”

Dean laughed a little; it was true. Their mom was so overprotective, but he was fairly sure she wouldn’t pass on Paris.

“Anyway, there’s one thing she’s always really wanted,” Tony went on. “See, we have baby pictures of you and Seth now, and we even have a few pictures of the twins as babies. But we have nothing of Roman. I know Mom wants to do that thing people do where they hang a baby picture and a graduation picture side by side. So...I asked Cassie to try and contact Lisa Reigns and give her my email address. I knew it was a long shot. But a few days ago I heard from her. I explained what I want. I told her I know like...we aren’t friends or anything, never will be, but it’s over and done with now and all I want is just one photo.”

“And...she’s going to give you one?”

“Says she will.”

“When?”

“I’m meeting her in about an hour.”

“Whoa!” Dean was excited suddenly. “This is crazy, Dad! Does Rome know?”

“No. No, he doesn’t, and I don’t actually think now is the time to tell him. I mean I’m not going to keep it a secret. Not like he won’t know where I got it the second he sees it anyway. But right now he’s resting and he’s still pretty sore and tired so I’m going to wait until he’s feeling a little bit better.”

“Good call. But Dad. This is epic. Do you want me to come with you?”

“No, uh…” Tony trailed off before sighing. “The only place she’d meet me is actually a bar, so yeah. Guess she never managed to kick that habit. But anyway, couldn’t get you in if I tried.”

“Well...okay,” Dean said. “But be careful okay?”

His father chuckled.

“Listen to you. Telling ME to be careful. You sure are a dad, Deano. You sure are one hell of a dad.”


	139. Borrowed Time

Tony wasn’t at all sure about this. The bar Lisa Reigns had opted to meet him at, the Regal Hooligan, was seedy at best. At worst, he figured it was a good thing he always carried his Glock. He kind of figured the actual meeting would be somewhere in the middle.

Inside it was dank and smelled of stale beer and sweat. A few bikers sat at a table in a corner smoking. Four people sat spread out at the bar, all nursing drinks and a youngish couple sat at a booth off to the side. Tony looked around, but Lisa wasn’t there so he walked up to the bar and ordered a beer.

Tony wasn’t sure he really grasped the weight of this; he wasn’t a fan of places like this one and if Lisa wasn’t going to show up (and what else was new really?) then he didn’t especially feel like he wanted to wait around. Except...the look on Lily’s face if he actually managed to get this would be so worth it.

Thirty minutes later, he was still sitting alone and he was just about to figure he’d been stood up when a woman came through the door. If Tony hadn’t known exactly who he was looking for, he would’ve missed her.

Now, if Tony could use only one word to describe Lisa Reigns, that word would be big. Not overweight exactly, but she was tall, thick-boned, and even her hair had always been big. He’d never seen a picture of Roman’s biological father but he’d always figured that Roman was built a bit like his mom. Tall. Then again, really, all three boys were about the same height. Roman just had weight on both of his brothers. He came by it naturally though. He worked out often, mainly weights, but he gained weight so easily. Seth could lift weights for a year and struggle to maintain muscle.

The woman hobbling towards Tony now, though, was not big.

She was hunched over, using a cane that wasn’t quite tall enough. Her skin and eyes had that awful yellowish color of someone whose liver wasn’t functioning well, and as his eyes travelled upwards he realized. 

Lisa’s hair was gone.

“Bet this isn’t what you expected to see,” she said in lieu of hello as she stumbled to the table. 

It never even occurred to him not to jump up and pull out her chair for her, and this made Lisa chuckle.

“Ever the gentleman,” she remarked.

“Yeah, I...my mother is absolutely tiny, but she’d kick my ass if I forgot my manners. Trying to instill the same stuff into my own kids,” Tony replied quickly, and a shadow passed over Lisa’s face.

“How long has it been?” Her voice was quiet. It was kind of low, raspy, not that different from what Tony remembered, except it had none of the malice it used to have. It occurred to him that he hadn’t seen her since that day at the courthouse years ago.

“I think...God. Almost 5 years? Damn. I’d ask how you’ve been, but uh…”

“But you just don’t really care that much?”

“That’s not it at all. I just...I’m looking at you and it seems like a really dumb question.”

“Should I be insulted?” Lisa asked. There was a glint in her eyes now, a look that was almost mischievous, a look that was so Roman. 

“I suppose that’s your own choice,” he murmured. 

“Well. I’m not. I’ve got liver cancer. I guess I finally did myself in,” Lisa said candidly.

“I’m...sorry?” Tony wasn’t sure of the appropriate response.

“Don’t be,” Lisa replied. “I earned it.”

Again, he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say, though he knew he probably needed to say SOMETHING. Luckily he was spared when Lisa went on.

“You came for this.” And she reached into her bag and pulled out a huge photo album.

Tony gasped as Lisa slid it across the table. He’d been expecting one photo. Lisa looked at him expectantly, so he opened the book. The very first page was a hospital photo of Roman, straight out of the chute. Wet, sticky, screaming, undeniably a boy, and he was laying on a scale, which read “10 pounds, 7 ounces.”

“Oh, wow, he was huge,” Tony murmured.

“Fuck yeah he was,” Lisa laughed. “They had no idea. Even with my hips back then, if they’d known how big he was they’d have cut me for sure. I couldn’t walk for days.”

Tony felt himself flinch a little. Sounded painful.

“He was a beautiful baby,” Lisa went on. “That hair. He looks so much like his dad.”

This made Tony cringe; HE was Roman’s dad. He knew that it was just semantics right then, and so many people couldn’t even believe his boy was adopted. It still stung though, and Lisa seemed to sense this.

“I’m sorry. I know you’re his father. That’s not what I mean. Just...I don’t know how else to put it.”

“It’s okay. It’s just been a really long time since I’ve heard that put that way.”

Lisa nodded.

“It feels kind of funny to me, too. After I lost him...I screwed up royally. Chose liquor over my own kid, and that’s unforgivable. When I lost him for good, it was so bittersweet. When you get the best thing that’s ever happened to you taken away because of your own damn negligence...but at the same time, I was happy for him.”

“You were? I mean you were right to be. We’ve given that kid one hell of a good life. But I never really figured you’d think so.”

“It took me a long time,” Lisa said quietly. “But eventually I realized that he got two parents to shower him with everything I couldn’t and wouldn’t give him. Roman deserves that.”

“Yes. He does,” Tony agreed. He was having a hard time categorizing how he felt right then. Maybe it was because he never expected any of this, but he was actually enjoying Lisa’s company and he was beginning to genuinely feel sad that she was dying.

“This one is my favorite,” Lisa went on, thumbing through the album. “I say he was beautiful and he was, but with that olive skin and that hair, and he was so stoic at first. He was about four months old before he smiled, I swear. So anyway, we called him Buckwheat. But then he started smiling. At first he smiled all the time. It wasn’t until he was older that he started walking around with a constant frown on his face...I did that to him...ruined him…but yeah. Anyway. He um...he used to love animals and books.”

“He still does,” Tony said gently.

“He...how is he?” Lisa’s face began to crumble. “Dammit, I’m sorry, Tony, I wasn’t going to do this. I was just going to give you the pictures and leave. It’s not like we have much to say to each other. It’s just that however horrible a mother I was, I always loved him. I always will. I know I can never make it up to him and I can never even ask him for the opportunity, but---”

And Tony held a hand out and touched Lisa’s wrist, before offering her a napkin to wipe her eyes. They sat that way for a few minutes, Lisa sobbing and Tony just waiting quietly. Eventually her tears slowed.

“Listen,” Tony said quietly. “Roman’s okay. Roman’s great. He’s in college now. About to finish his freshman year. Doesn’t know what he wants to do yet. He says he either wants to teach or become a counsellor for children, or maybe a social worker. He’s played football all along and his team went to a bowl game in December. Didn’t win but he’s such a true leader and we know he’ll be successful at whatever he puts his mind to. He has a wonderful girlfriend, his highschool sweetheart, and he’s planning on proposing to her. His life is good. He’s happy. You didn’t ruin Roman, Lisa. I know you did the wrong things when he was young but you didn’t ruin him. He’s grown into a confident, strong, stubborn, compassionate young man.”

“Stubborn, huh?” Lisa laughed a little. 

“Oh my God,” Tony lamented. “That boy. He’s recovering from shoulder surgery right now because he never told us he was hurt until recently. If he has one character flaw, it’s that he tries to carry the world on his own. My wife is the same way though so I’m sure that’s where he learned it from. But Lisa, my point is, whatever you did or didn’t do or think you should’ve done---it’s all in the past now and Roman turned out just great.”

“He still loves books?” Lisa sounded hopeful now.

“When we brought his youngest brother home, he was in awful shape,” Tony confided. “Just a trainwreck in every way. Roman read to him. And they still, to this day, will sit and read together often. In fact...at his high school seniors have to do a service project. So last year, he got in contact with low income schools in the area and then he and his girlfriend drove around to every used bookstore in Houston. They gathered over 11,000 books and then went to the schools and gave them away to kids who can’t afford them. Some of those kids---a lot of them actually---still keep in contact with him. He’d do anything for anyone.”

Again they sat quietly for awhile, Lisa sipping her water and Tony taking a drag off of his beer before Lisa spoke again.  
“My doctor says I have less than 3 months,” her voice was quiet. “Maybe a lot less; there’s no way to know. And I...I know this is probably an awful lot to ask but...I would really like to see him one more time. I don’t expect him to forgive me but I want to apologize anyway.”

Tony paused.

“He’s almost 19,” he mused. “I mean I wouldn’t stop him even if I could, but it’s his decision. But I’ll ask him. I’ll talk to Lily tonight and then we’ll sit down and ask him.”

“That’s...that’s all I can ask, that’s---thank you. Tony, thank you. I know I haven’t exactly made your lives easy either.”

Tony laughed.

“No. No you haven’t. But I don’t think you really grasp the gift you’ve given us, and Roman has been worth every feeling, every tear, every sleepless night, everything. I’d go back and do it all over again, for him. For all three of them really. He’s an amazing, fantastic kid. I wouldn’t trade him for anything.”

And Lisa laughed too.

“Well good,” she said. “I know I said this already but it bears repeating---I’m just so thankful that when I dropped the ball, Roman found you.” 

 

_________________________________

 

Roman was the most humiliated he’d ever been in his entire life.

It wasn’t just the heavy drugs making him woozy, or the sleeping in a chair, or even the fact that at first he could barely feed himself. 

No, he adjusted to all of that, however begrudgingly, because it was amazing what he could make himself do when he simply had no other choice.

He didn’t so much mind that his mother had to put his socks on for him.

He could live with the fact that bathing, especially washing all of his hair, required the help of at least two people. And also that the actual shower couldn’t be involved.

Hell, Roman could even make peace with the way he learned, the hard way, that drinking an entire Gatorade immediately before taking his pain meds ended up not being so smart. He offered to pay to re-upholster the chair, but his mother waved it off.

“It happens, kiddo,” Lily had said with a smile that Roman had to admit, looked pretty real. “We’ll figure something out.”

Roman did notice that, despite her reassurance, there were extra towels down wherever he was sitting after that.

Yes, Roman accepted that he would have shortcomings and setbacks, however temporary. But he just couldn’t believe that he’d proposed to Megan under the aid of a massive dose of Morphine.

“Look,” his father had sat with him one night while he fretted. “You know you want to propose anyway. I’m sure Megan understands that you were pretty out of it. And to be honest I think you’re still not thinking as clearly as you maybe usually do.”

“I know,” Roman sighed. “I just...I know she wants to get married. It’s not like we’ve never talked about it. But Dad, I’ve thought of about a million ways to propose to her and none of them were like that.”

“Life happens how it happens, though,” his father reminded him, a look on his face that Roman couldn’t quite put a name to.

“I guess.”

“And I proposed to Mom with a ring off a milk gallon, because I thought I was about to be sent to Mexico for a year and I couldn’t bear to leave without reserving her.”

“Reserving her? Dad, that’s crass.”

“I...okay, but you know what I mean.”

“Yeah. I do.”

“Anyway, didn’t end up going to Mexico but I hung onto that girl anyway.”

“And she tolerates you.”

“Oh, she finds me very tolerable. Chauvinism and all.”

“Why is that, do you suppose?” Roman kept up with the teasing, because it made him forget how desperate and anxious he was.

“Hmmm. Well, one thing both men and women look for in a mate is the other’s ability to help raise young. I reckon she must appreciate my parenting skills,” Tony mused.

“Please,” Roman grinned. “You just got lucky with us.”

“That’s damn true. Although,” Tony lightly tapped Roman’s sling. “My boys get themselves into plenty of trouble with the best of intentions. So it’s probably a really good thing we don’t have a bunch of bad attitudes on top of it.”

“Ha, that’s for sure. Good thing you and Mom have awesome insurance.”

Tony laughed.

“Now THAT’S a grownup statement if I ever heard one. Boys will be boys, right? Mom and I ALWAYS said we’d never say that. Boys will be boys. We always said that boys or not we’d expect you to behave with dignity. But I reckon that doesn’t apply to stuff like this. Listen...Roman.”

“What?” Roman groaned inwardly just a little. 

“Why don’t we look at rings online? I can help you if you want.”

“I---really Dad?”

“Really truly. Your choice of course. But it seems to me that you’re probably not going to feel better about this until you’ve proposed in a manner that you perceive as correct. That does NOT mean I think you should run out and do this if you’re not ready.”

“I’m ready,” Roman whispered. 

“Yeah,” Tony replied quietly. “I think so too.”

They logged onto a diamond website together, and Roman was immediately horrified at the prices.

“These are SO EXPENSIVE! WHY are they so expensive? I know you eventually gave Mom a real engagement ring, Dad. Was it outrageous?”

“Well...Roman, 25 years ago nothing was as expensive as it is now. But you’re looking at 5 carat diamonds here, bud.”

“But what’s the difference? They all look alike,” Roman, still baffled by the price, looked at his father expectantly. Tony smiled.

“Remember, you’re just looking right? I don’t think you want to buy a diamond online. The difference is the size. A 5-carat diamond is massive. And it’s a nice idea right? But I get the feeling you don’t want to shell out that money.”

“I couldn’t even if I wanted to. She’d kill me anyway. I mean we’ve kind of talked about rings. I have an idea of what she’d like.”

“What does she have in mind?” Tony positioned the laptop so he could mark specifics for Roman, who smiled at him gratefully.

“Well, first of all, she doesn’t want me to spend a fortune. I think she’d like a nice ring but I know for a fact that she’d rather spend money on travelling later.”

“Okay. So how much are you comfortable spending, buddy?” Tony asked him. Roman considered the question.

“I think...I would be comfortable spending $500, but that would be the high end of what I’m willing to pay. I’ve got about $500 that I was going to spend on our tattoos but that’s tabled now anyway. I’ve also got about $1,000 in my savings account. I don’t really want to drain that though. But it’ll be my birthday soon and that’s usually good for some money.”

“I’ll talk to Mom,” his father told him. “I’ll bet we could help you with a loan. I think that’s a reasonable amount. Not ridiculous. But I’m not sure what it will really get you. Then again, it’s perfectly acceptable to start out quaint and then later on if it’s something that interests you both, you can always upgrade.”

“Are you going to get Mom a new ring for your anniversary?” Roman wanted to know. Tony paused.

“Hmmmmmm…” he mused. “That’s a really good idea, son. I hadn’t even thought about that. We had her wedding and engagement rings sautered together for our 10th anniversary. But a bigger diamond is a nice idea. Or something different altogether.”

“Mom likes jewelry,” said Roman. 

“Yes but she’s never really expressed an interest in a new diamond. Doesn’t mean she wouldn’t WANT one. But you know your mother; she likes things colorful.”

It was true. Lily tended to prefer beads or bright stones; Finn was constantly trying to pull on her necklaces when she wore them.

“Still though. 25 years is a huge deal,” Roman sighed. “I can’t even imagine it. I mean I CAN or I wouldn’t be asking Megan…”

Tony laughed.

“I know what you mean though,” he murmured. “Tell you what, Roman...let’s get you a little more steady on your feet and then next week I’ll take you out looking.”

Roman smiled and then yawned; he was getting tired and he was due for a nap. His father seemed to read his mind.

“Want to take a rest?”

He nodded. 

“Yeah. I do. But will you help me to the bathroom first please?”

“Of course,” Tony gently got Roman to his feet. “I’m really proud of you, son. I think Megan is awesome and you two are very literally perfect for each other.”

“I just want what you and Mom have,” Roman replied. “I just want to have that kind of relationship. Trust and respect, and you still love each other after so many years. It’s scary how many people get divorced now, Dad. But I really feel like we’ve both got pretty good examples in the parent department and I know we can do it.”

“I agree,” Tony affirmed. “You guys will do fine.”

Roman sighed happily as he settled back into his chair. His dad tucked a blanket around him and helped him recline just a little, but he didn’t leave. Instead he rested his hand on Roman’s arm gently.

“That’s it, bud,” he murmured. “You get some rest. When you wake up...I’ll be right here.

Confused, Roman smiled.

“I know. You always are,” he mumbled quietly.

“And I always will be, son. No matter what.”

Roman just sighed. He fell asleep easily and dreamed about the look on his beloved girlfriend’s face when he eventually redeemed himself.


	140. The Next Step

Lily shed a few tears when Tony sat her down and told her about Lisa Reigns’ situation.

“You mean she actually seeked you out to ask you if she could see Roman?”

Tony had hesitated for a split second before answering.

“I mean she’s dying, Lu. She looks pretty sick. She also seems to have changed. Two hours in that bar and she didn’t drink anything but water and she cried. She cried a lot. She said she’s always loved him and she seems to feel so much remorse. I’m probably not the best at reading people but I think she’s serious.”

“We can’t say no,” Lily pointed out. 

“Would we anyway?”

“No. Of course not. I just mean...I don’t know what I mean. I don’t know why this is so hard for me, T, but it is. I’m afraid he’ll get hurt. What do you think he’ll say?”

“Well, I’m hoping he says yes. I think that he knows none of his past was his fault but I think it would still do him good to hear it from her, and I think eventually if he doesn’t say yes he’ll regret it. Plus, and God knows this is selfish of me, but plus I REALLY don’t want to have to call her and tell her that he doesn’t want to see her. But if he did say no way, I wouldn’t blame him a bit either.”

“So when do you want to tell him?” Lily asked, reaching across the bed to entwine her fingers with her husband’s.

“I almost did tonight,” Tony confessed. “He and I were talking about proposals and looking at rings and it all was so grown up that I almost broke down. But I really wanted to talk to you first.”

“I’m glad you did. So he’s really ready then huh? Looking at rings is a big deal.”

“Yeah, but he’s freaking about money.”

“He’s only 18. He doesn’t HAVE any money.”

“He has a little money,” Tony rebutted. “But he shouldn’t be spending a ton of money on this.”

“Probably not at this stage of his life,” Lily agreed. “You didn’t.”

They both laughed.

“But now...how do we discuss Lisa with Ro? Should we have a family meeting?”

Lily considered this; she had a feeling that her oldest may have a bit of a volatile reaction to this news that not only was Lisa dying, but she wanted to see him again first. She knew Roman was long over the pain his biological mother had caused him, and he held no emotional attachment to her anymore. But she also knew her son. He needed some semblance of control over his life, and his recent injury had already robbed him of that. This bombshell would likely cause him a little bit of an upheaval and he tried so valiantly to be a pillar of strength.

“I’m not sure sure we should tell him with the other boys around,” she mused. “I think maybe this needs to be just us three, so he can react any way he needs to react without having to worry about an audience.”

“Good point. What about Megan?”

“I’m not so sure she needs to be there either,” Lily murmured. “I really think it might be better if it’s just the three of us. I’m telling you, T, I think...I mean he’s been burned so badly by Lisa. Do you remember when he was 9? And she’d not show up month after month for her visitation and he’d be such a wreck?”

It was true. 

“Why would I want to see her?” Roman demanded blatantly when they sat him down and talked to him. 

“You don’t have to see her,” Lily calmly rubbed his arm. “But we had to tell you what she said---”

“I know I don’t HAVE to see her,” Roman interrupted. “I’m 18. I don’t have to do anything. But why would I want to?”

“I don’t know, son,” Tony replied calmly. “I don’t know why you’d want to but you need to know you have the option.”

“I don’t want the option. I don’t---I don’t want that to be my life anymore. Never again. She never showed up for me. Now I’ve moved on and I’m not showing up for her.”

“Roman, I understand that, but she’s dying. She’s dying and you’ll never have another chance to hear her tell you that she loves you and that she’s sorry---”

“I DON’T CARE IF SHE LOVES ME NOW! She never loved me when it counted. She was never there for me when it counted. Sorry doesn’t go very far. Sorry doesn’t mean ANYTHING. She’s apologized before and she still pulled the same crap and now that she’s dying I’m supposed to just forgive and forget? I don’t forgive her! I can’t. What would’ve happened to me if it hadn’t been for you guys, because of her? Huh? I don’t owe her anything.”

Tears poured off Roman’s cheeks and his breathing was heavy, and as far as Lily was concerned the conversation, for right then, was over. 

“Okay,” Lily offered Roman a gentle hug, silencing Tony with a look when it seemed as though he might be about to object. “That’s fine, Ro. We can drop it.”

He burrowed his face into her shoulder and continued to cry, and all she could do was hold him carefully and remember...

_Lily painfully recalled being called to school one Friday around noon when her son had been home less than two months._

_“We broke up a fight,” Miss Katie, one of the secretaries, explained and Lily didn’t even wait for more. She knew when Roman got up that morning that it wasn’t going to be a good day._

_At that point, he was supposed to have had two supervised visitations with his mother Lisa, and at that point, she had stood him up both times. The whole drive to school, she worried. Was Roman okay? Had he been hurt? How badly had he hurt the other boy? Would he be suspended? Expelled? Katie hadn’t made it sound TOO serious, but…_

_She should’ve kept him home. Surely between her and Tony they could’ve worked something out._

_Still kicking herself, she got out of the Highlander and practically ran into the building._

_The principal met her at the door._

_“Lily.”_

_“Where’s Roman?” Lily knew her voice was forceful, but she just wanted to see her kid._

_“He’s in my office,” Mrs. Cruz patted her arm. “Pacing like a caged animal. We’ll sit down and talk to him in a moment but I want to talk to you first about what happened. Okay?”_

_“Okay.”_

_They sat together at a table in the small conference room in the office, and Mrs. Cruz laid it out: Roman had been agitated and angry most of the morning. He’d come to the office twice to watch the fish and calm down, but at lunch time he had reached that point where he couldn’t take it anymore. So in the cafeteria, carrying his tray to his table to sit by the handful of friends he’d so far made, a fifth grader bumped into him, and Roman dropped his lunch. It went everywhere and everyone in the room turned to look._

_The other student had snapped,_

_“Hey, watch it!”_

_Roman had replied with an expletive, which turned into a shouting match, which turned into the older kid throwing the first punch, but then Roman whirling around and flying right at the kid and knocking him to the ground. It didn’t take long before all of the other kids buddies were in the fight too, and Roman never stopped swinging, but it wasn’t a battle he was ever destined to win._

_“So we’re clear, the school has a zero tolerance policy on fighting, which you know. I really adore Roman; I think he’s a great kid with so much potential, but this is not something that I can let slide. The other students involved will have consequences as well, but I think that a two day suspension is appropriate and fair.”_

_“I agree,” Lily felt mildly relieved. Two days sounded more than reasonable; Roman had, after all, left bruises on several different boys._

_“But what I need you to do, if you can, is help me understand,” Mrs. Cruz went on. “I’ve tried to talk to Roman and he’s completely shut off right now. I can’t get him to come down. My guess is that he’s putting on a front. I know we’ve seen this before from other students.”_

_“He’s afraid I’m going to send him away,” Lily murmured, nodding. “He...was supposed to have visitation with his mother last night, but she didn’t show. No call, no reschedule, just flat didn’t show up. This is the second time that’s happened. He couldn’t sleep last night. I really should have kept him home today; it wouldn’t have hurt anything---”_

_“No,” Mrs. Cruz disagreed. “I mean that would’ve been totally your prerogative of course, but I think it makes more sense to help him learn how to work through his feelings, you know? Instead of just let him avoid them.”_

_“True. Fair point. But,” Lily replied, “I think I’m going to call his social worker this afternoon and see if we can’t get visitation switched to Friday afternoons. That way he’d have the weekend to work through whatever feelings he has before he’s expected to function again.”_

_“Okay. Good. Lily, I want Roman to succeed and I know that’s what you want too. I think that given his history, so far he’s done a phenomenal job and I know there will be bumps in the road. I’m going to let him know that once the suspension is over, this is over. He takes a few days to settle down and feel better about things and when he comes back on Wednesday, it’s a fresh start. In fact, that’s what I’m going to tell all of the boys. C’mon. Let’s see what we can’t do for Mr. Roman.”_

_Roman was still pacing the office, a look of caged animal desperation in his wild eyes, until he laid those eyes on Lily and then the fury dissolved into panic._

_“Mommy,” he whimpered. “Mommy, I’m sorry, I won’t, I won’t do it ever again, I won’t fight anymore, I promise I won’t, Mommy, but PLEASE don’t make me go away!”_

_Lily crossed the floor in two strides and engulfed the trembling boy into her arms. As soon as she did Roman burst into tears and buried his face into her neck. The fact that he was calling her “Mommy” was a huge indicator of his fear; he’d dabbled in calling them “Mom” and “Dad” recently, but they were still Lily and Tony most of the time. Lily couldn’t help but notice the rips in his shirt and the bruise on his cheek. Her heart broke a little._

_“Please,” he kept repeating as she squeezed him tighter than she ever thought she could and swayed them back and forth together._

_“You made a mistake, Ro,” she began, once he began to calm down. “I think you know that and I think you know right from wrong. Your actions have consequences, yes. But I’m not sending you anywhere. That’d be punishing ME, don’t you think?”_

_Tearfilled gray eyes met her blue ones; the boy didn’t even crack a smile, just stared up at her._

_“You...you’re still keeping me?”_

_“Kiddo. Roman. We don’t give up on you just because you made one mistake. That might have been how other families handled things but that’s not how we do it here. We don’t give up. We get better. We grow. We learn. But we don’t give up. You can’t give up either, though.”_

_“I didn’t mean to,” Roman mumbled. “I’m sorry. I really am sorry.”_

_“I know. And we’ll talk about how we can try and fix things later when we get home.”_

_“Do...do we have to tell Tony?”_

_Lily and Mrs. Cruz both laughed a little._

_“What do YOU think?” Lily asked him, and she could feel the boy sigh._

_“He’ll be disappointed in me.”_

_“Nah. I mean maybe a little but he pretty much feels the same way I do about mistakes. They happen, Roman, and nobody expects you to be perfect, but we do expect you to control your temper and think before you act. Here’s the thing though. We’re here to help you learn to do those things. You’re not alone in anything, baby. Right now I’m going to take you home and we’ll spend the weekend thinking of some ways we can do this. Together. Okay?”_

_“Okay,” the boy seemed pretty relaxed now. He turned to his principal. “Mrs. Cruz? I really am sorry. I really like going to school here and I hope I get to come back. I’m gonna try to be better, I promise.”_

_“Oh, Roman,” Mrs. Cruz smiled at him. “I’m so glad you like it. I happen to agree with your parents that you can grow from this and I know your feelings just got the better of you today. We’re here to help you. Promise me something though, will you?”_

_“What?” Roman asked, and Mrs. Cruz grinned and turned to Lily._

_“You’ve got a heck of a tackle, kid. Get your parents to sign you up to play football somewhere. No reason why you can’t put that strength to more productive use.”_

_Lily burst out laughing, and then she thanked Roman’s principal, wrapped her arm around her son, and together they walked to the car. He fell asleep on the ride home, but she knew that with the proper guidance he’d be okay and she even fell fairly confident that she could give him that. He really was a good kid…_

With a sigh, Tony stood up and watched Roman as he left the room before turning to Lily.

“That could’ve gone better,” he said quietly.

“Probably,” Lily agreed, but she wasn’t surprised at her son’s reaction. Not at all.

“I don’t know how I’m going to break it to Lisa,” Tony went on.

“I think maybe you should hold off on telling Lisa anything just yet,” Lily replied calmly.

“I think he made his feelings pretty clear, Lu,” Tony told her and Lily smiled softly.

“Yes. Yes he did. But I know our boy, and I think...let’s just give him a few days to process this. Give him opportunities to talk through it. I’m not saying I think he should or he shouldn’t give her the time of day; as long as she doesn’t hurt him I don’t really even care, but we kind of just dumped this on him, and now we have to let him have some time to process all of this. I don’t know if he’ll change his mind, but it kind of wouldn’t surprise me.”

“It’s just not like him to explode like that,” Tony reminded her. “That’s a Dean thing.”

“It is like him when it involves her,” Lily could feel herself getting just a little angry. “And anyways...Tony. T, I don’t wish this on anyone but I can’t really advocate for a person whose track record for hurting Roman is so long. Plus, I’m not so sure I like that you seem more concerned about Lisa’s feelings than Roman’s right now…”

“Oh, babe, no. It’s not that,” Tony wrapped his arms around her and she melted into his embrace. “Lulu, I know he’s gotta have reservations but here’s what I’m feeling. If he agrees to see her one last time, I don’t think he’d regret that. But I DO worry that he’ll regret it if he doesn’t.”

“Well...I can see that,” Lily sighed. “But I still say we need to just give him some time to think things through. Let’s just...I’m going to go check on him. Maybe in a few days after he’s had some time to calm down a little, we can revisit the conversation. But it has to be his decision, T. No matter how we feel about it---we can’t influence him. That wouldn’t be fair.”

 

_______________________________________

 

“Are you EVER going to crawl?” Dean asked Finn one rainy afternoon at the end of March. 

He hadn’t stood again, and the baby still apparently had no interesting in any kind of mobility other than being carried around, bounced, and rocked. All of which were actions carried out by everyone else, but not Finn himself. At that moment, he was perfectly content to lay on his tummy and squeal happily while he watched Pippi chase her ball around. 

Finn could sit up like a champ by then. Every so often he’d get excited, wave his arms around, and lose his balance. The first time this happened he burst into hysterics and Dean had scooped him up, certain he’d hurt himself somehow. After checking him over, he determined the little guy had probably just been startled, but Finn clung to Dean for a good 30 minutes afterwards, which Dean didn’t necessarily dislike, but he realized that eventually his son was going to have to self-soothe. That didn’t mean just ignoring him when he was in peril, but if he wasn’t hurt there was nothing to cry about. 

So second time Dean changed tactics.

Finn flopped over and screwed up his face. Dean resisted the urge to pick him up and instead laid down beside him on the floor. 

“You’re okay,” he told the baby calmly. Damn, it was hard not to baby talk and try to comfort his little guy, and no way was he gonna let the tantrum go on too long, but it wouldn’t hurt to try. And sure enough, the second Finn saw his daddy laying on the ground, he perked up with interest. What kind of new fun game was this?

“I seeeeee you!” Dean cooed. “Achoooooo!” 

A fake sneeze was almost always good for a huge toothless grin. Okay, maybe not a grin mid-fit but a definite smirk. Distracted from his humiliation, Finn rolled to his side to reach for Dean.

“Hiya, buddy,” he continued to talk calmly to his son. Finn growled a little as he rolled all the way over, but as soon as he did Dean started to clap.

“Yay, Finny! See? You’re just fine! Let’s sit back up!”

Before much longer, Finn was back in a sitting position and he’d gotten there with Dean’s encouragement and nothing else. Dean was pretty psyched. 

“Good boy,” he said to his son, who beamed. 

Dean cherished this time with Finn, who insisted on growing by the second, it seemed. In fact, every chance he got was spent hanging out with his baby. When the weather was nice, Dean often spread a blanket on the ground and they would play with Finn’s ball, or his soft blocks, or sometimes they would read books. They took long walks around the property when the weather was nice and Dean showed Finn the birds and bugs and trees and told him stories about how one day when he was bigger they’d go camping and hiking together.

He took him everywhere he could. 

They went to the zoo two more times and once Dean and Seth drove out to the mall looking for an anniversary gift for their parents. They didn’t find one, but they DID find some hilarious onesies. And once again, Finn was a girl magnet. 

The library did story time on Saturday mornings and they rarely missed it. Dean would sit on the floor cross-legged with Finn in his lap, surrounded mostly by moms, and bounce Finn along with the story. He loved it when the childrens’ librarian used funny voices and sounds. Each week Dean checked out a pile of new picture books and he’d read them at bedtime every night.

Perhaps the most fun thing, though, was Gymboree.

For Christmas, Roman and Megan had given Finn a membership to a Gymboree class that they often went to after story time. It was basically a Mommy and Me sort of deal, and sure, Dean was usually the only dad there, but he didn’t care one bit about that. The classes were grouped by age, so Finn got to hang out with about 10 other 7-9 month old babies, and they would sit in a circle and practice stretching, singing, and dancing. Often Dean would stand Finn and the baby would bend his little knees and flail his arms around along with the music and he would laugh and laugh. There were plenty of age-appropriate toys and Finn interacted pretty well with the other babies.

Not only was Dean the only dad, he was pretty sure he was also the youngest. Most of the women there wore wedding rings and some had gray hairs, and referenced older children as they spoke in their circles of friends. It wasn’t that they snubbed Dean; many of them told him how much they admired that he was making such a solid effort to spend time with his son, but as nice as that was, they just didn’t have much in common.

Until…

One Saturday Dean was seated on the mat-covered floor at Gymboree. The instructor was showing the parents how to roll the babies onto their tummies and then gently lift them by the waist into a crawling position. It turned out Finn was definitely NOT the only baby who wasn’t yet ready to crawl. Unfortunately, he WAS the only baby loudly objecting to being manhandled in this fashion, and he began to scream quite angrily. Dean sighed and rested him back on his belly and was about to pick him up and comfort him when suddenly there was another baby directly in front of Finn.

By her clothing, Dean could tell this baby was a little girl but he didn’t think he recognized her. She had dark curls and tan skin, possibly bi-racial? She crawled right up to Finn and sat and babbled at him.

Finn looked up at her, stopped screaming, and babbled right back, then struggled into a sitting position of his own and reached for his new friend.

The little girl reached back, then smiled, then reached out and grabbed Finn’s face.

“Lucy! Be gentle!”

A woman’s voice and then Dean looked up and saw---

“Hi! I’m Clarissa. Sorry about Lucy; she’s just learned this crawling thing and so she’s gotta try it out.”

The girl kneeling down next to Lucy looked to be about his age, and she was seriously pretty. Blonde hair, blue eyes, an incredible smile---for a split second, Dean forgot that his son was even in the room.

“I’m Dean,” he murmured a response. “This is my son, Finn. He’s almost eight months. He doesn’t crawl yet. I think he probably could but he just doesn’t seem like he WANTS to…”

Clarissa’s smile lit up brighter.

“Oh, Finn, I LOVE that name,” she said. “It was on my short list with Lucy until I found out she’s a girl. It was between Finn or Flynn and Ellis, but she wound up Lucille Alice instead.”

“We never even discussed girl names,” Dean confided. “We---I mean his mom isn’t around now, but we found out he was a boy pretty early on so there was no need. Finn is short for Finnian---Finnian Amos Brett.”

“Cool, his initials spell FAB!” Clarissa laughed. “My last name is Davis so hers spell LAD. Not that fun but not bad anyway. Her dad wasn’t too excited about this baby thing either. I...I’m still in high school…”

Her tone turned shy and something about that felt endearing to Dean.

“Me too. Senior. Wasn’t planning on him but now there’s absolutely no way I’d change anything.”

“Yeah...me neither,” Clarissa looked fondly at Lucy and Finn, who were jabbering away in some strange baby language that only they could understand. “Hey...they seem to be hitting it off. You want to go to the park or something?”

Dean just grinned.

They talked for a couple of hours that day in between holding their babies on slides and swings. In fact, Finn was passed out cold before they left, but they agreed that they needed another play date sometime soon.

“Lucy doesn’t have any cousins or any other kids around really. The whole reason I begged for Gymboree was to let her play with other babies.”

“Well, mission accomplished,” Dean smiled. “Give me your phone.”

He programmed his number into it, then said,

“Call any time. Our weekends are usually pretty free. And uh...maybe sometime, we could go out without the babies…”

“I’d like that,” Clarissa said softly.

It was only after they’d separated and he’d begun to drive away that it hit him what he’d done---he’d asked a girl out on a date. Immediately Jessie flooded his brain.

So what, he thought angrily to himself. She made her choice. I can’t wait forever.

But in his heart he knew that he was still in love with her. Would that ever go away?


	141. Baby Steps

About a million emotions swirled around Megan’s head. 

Three weeks out from Roman’s shoulder surgery and he was still in a lot of pain. Too much pain, as far as she was concerned; he’d been given a prescription for Vicoden and he took it at night so he’d be able to sleep, but Roman didn’t like taking medications, so he tried to make it through the days on just Advil. It wasn’t working very well.

Megan picked him up every day and they went to class, and then she drove him to meet Lily and Finn at rehab. After that it just depended. Some days Roman didn’t mind having them stay and watch. Some days his mood was sketchy, and he wanted everyone to leave, which Lily tried to respect even though Megan could tell that her instinct fought against it. Megan was the first to admit that Lily had a tendency to be over-protective but the longer that she watched Roman struggle, the more that began to make sense. Some days he seemed to feel clingy and he’d demand that either she or his mom stay with him, and the other would take Finn back home. 

In the evenings, all Roman wanted to do was lay in bed. 

She spent as much time as she could with him, but she still sometimes felt as though Lily found her presence to be a challenge of sorts. Megan got it; Lily was always going to be Roman’s mother, and she would always want to comfort him and she would always want to be the person to make it all better. 

And Megan also knew that someday they’d be on their own, just the two of them, and that as long as they were each still living at home, their mothers were still in charge.

But she couldn’t help it; she wanted to be the one to help him too. He’d done so much for her; he was ALWAYS there for her and she just wanted to offer him the same love and comfort.

It was all hard enough, but then one night Roman called her practically hysterical.

“They want me to see my biological mother,” he’d moaned into the phone. “She’s got cancer and apparently she wants to see me before she dies or something. I can’t say no but I don’t want to say yes. I don’t...what do I do? Megs? What do I do?”

She drove out to the Girardi house that night. He needed her and she was going to be right there for him. But it wasn’t fun. Megan hadn’t seen Roman cry very often, and there was nothing she enjoyed about it.

“It’s okay,” she murmured, as she held him awkwardly. His shoulder made proper cuddling difficult.

“No it isn’t.”

“Oh, babe. Yes it is. What’s the worst thing that could happen?”

“You mean besides one, I deprive the person who gave birth to me of her dying wish, or two, she somehow hurts me yet again?”

“What could she possibly do to hurt you NOW?” Megan was trying to be reasonable.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what she could do but if anyone could think of something it’s her. You don’t know, Megs. You don’t know what it was like. You don’t know what SHE is like. Does a person ever really change?”

“I think people can change,” she replied. “I mean, we all do as we get older, right? None of us is the same person we used to be---”

“It’s not the same,” Roman interrupted. “It’s not the same thing at all.”

Megan sighed.

“Let’s talk about something else,” she suggested, snuggling up against her man and threading her fingers into his hair. “You don’t have to decide right now, baby. I get why your mom and dad needed to tell you but I doubt they expect you to just know immediately what to do. Let’s just...you know what?”

“What?” 

“Chicken butt!”

Roman snorted out a giggle before looking at her soberly.

“Nope. That’s wrong. You’re supposed to say ‘guess what.’”

“You laughed anyway,” Megan pointed out.

“You took my by surprise is all,” Roman sighed and rested his head on her shoulder. “You clearly have no brothers.”

“I always wanted a brother,” Megan confided. “But Katie, as usual, just didn’t cooperate.”

“Dean and Seth don’t either. If we have boys someday, they’ll cooperate. Right?”

“Doubt it,” Megan began to rub the side of Roman’s cheek. “You think we’ll have boys? Someday?”

“Someday? Probably,” Roman replied, slowly relaxing. “I’d be okay with that.”

“Me too. Girl drama is the worst.”

“Yeah.”

“Can’t take us anywhere without us wanting something,” Megan went on. “We’re expensive.”

“Damn right you are,” Roman agreed. “Mouthy, too. Always gotta have your way.”

“And you’ll learn once we live together that girls are messy,” she murmured. She could tell Roman was getting sleepy. “Katie and I share a bathroom and there’s makeup all over it all the time. Mom is ALWAYS on our case. But hers is worse, I swear. So I reckon it’s genetic? By the time it gets to OUR daughter it’ll probably be over. Especially if she gets your hair.”

“My hair is the only trait I have that I’d want to pass on to a girl,” Roman smiled a little. “If she gets my nose it’ll be a shame. She should look like you.”

“Okay,” Megan agreed. “Your hair, the rest like me. Our boy can look like you. I’ll make sure to put that order in when the time comes.”

“‘Kay,” Roman’s eyes closed, lazy, but then popped back open. “What’s her name?”

“Who?” Megan whispered softly. 

“Our little girl. Our daughter.”

She felt her heart flutter. She absolutely loved this conversation.

“I don’t know. I like a lot of girl names. What do YOU want to name her?”

“Evelyn,” Roman said immediately. “And we’ll call her Evvie.”

“Evelyn Girardi,” Megan tested this. “I approve. Okay, someday you can name our daughter Evelyn if I can name our son Wesley.”

“You can,” Roman was beginning to nod off again. “As long as someday I can call him Wes.”

“Of course, shhh,” she soothed, still stroking his cheek, and she was quite for a moment before quietly murmuring,  
“Shhh, sleep. Just sleep. Rest. I’ve got you. It’s just a rough patch right now, baby, but I’m here. Things are going to get better. Someday.”

 

____________________________________

 

It wasn't unusual for Dean to wake up with Clarissa on his mind. 

He was seriously considering asking her to prom.

The thing was, he really liked her. She was funny, easy to talk to, clearly an awesome mom, and obviously they had something pretty huge in common.

“She was born the end of June,” Clarissa told him fondly while they watched their two babies play together at Gymboree. ‘Playing’ still consisted, mainly, of passing a ball back and forth or wildly waving around some blocks but Finn and Lucy seemed to have developed their own method of communication. 

Lucy would grab a toy and shriek and shake it all about and Finn would belly laugh hysterically. Then he’d babble something, unintelligible only to another baby, and Lucy would make a silly face and hand him the toy. Or Finn would flop on his tummy, chattering away, and Lucy would follow suit. Then they’d stare at each other, face to face and play with one another’s fingers. Lucy even taught Finn how to blow bubbles, and they would sit together with rivulets of slobber running down their chins. They just played so good together, and they were pretty fun to watch.

Finn, it seemed, had made his first friend.

Unless you counted Pippi, of course, which Dean definitely did but it seemed very different. 

And the best part was that even if Dean and Clarissa didn’t share parenthood, there was no shortage in things they did have in common. 

She had two sisters, and she was also the middle child in her family. She was also adopted, although at birth. It turned out she loved to paint and draw, she had an affinity for sports, and she was a little fussy about foods.

“I like comfort food,” she confided. “Mac and cheese, mashed potatoes and gravy, soups. Or like steak or a good burger. Just about anything on the grill.”

“How do you feel about sushi?” Dean asked and Clarissa made a face.

“No thanks,” she replied. “I don’t mind seafood like shrimp and lobster. I LOVE crab legs. But I don’t like fish that tastes like fish. How about you?”

“Same,” he agreed. “My whole family is like all foodies. They’ll try anything and like most of it, and I’m just like, can we please just have pot roast and spaghetti?”

Clarissa giggled.

“I hear that,” she grinned. “I’m kind of at my parents’ mercy since I’m living with them. And I try to help with cooking and stuff, I really do, but unless it’s breakfast I can’t cook anything palatable.”

“I can make a killer sandwich,” Dean replied. “And I can steam fruit for Finn. Oh, and I make a damn fine bowl of cereal.”

Clarissa couldn’t stop laughing, so Dean went on.

“My specialty is salad.”

“Oh, wow, that’s awesome. I LOVE salad. Do you really make Finn’s baby food?”

“No,” Dean started. “I mean, not like that. But he’s starting to get into veggies and fruits that are really overcooked and soft, so sometimes I’ll make carrots or steam some apples just to let him try it. I don’t want him to choke of course, but bananas and pears and stuff can mush up pretty easily too. He seems to like it better.”

“Lucy just wants whatever’s on my plate,” Clarissa glanced over at the babies. “Aw, Dean, look.”

Finn and Lucy were lying on their sides facing each other and holding onto each other’s fingers, and they were sound asleep. Dean smiled.

“He’s the best thing that ever happened to me,” he confessed quietly. “I mean no, we didn’t plan on having a baby but I don’t regret any of it. Sometimes I don’t even regret that Jessie left. I just don’t know. I feel like Finn’s life is awesome. Right now I don’t feel like his life is lacking just because she’s not around. I mean he’s so young and sure that could change later but for now...we’re good.”

“I think…” Clarissa’s expression looked conflicted. “I think that I’d rather Lucy have a dad, but I’d rather her have no dad than the dad she got. He’s not a father. He doesn’t want to be and even if he DID I don’t think he’d be good at it. He was a mistake but she definitely isn’t.”

“I don’t even know what I’d do without him anymore,” Dean murmured. 

“Do your parents help you a lot?”

“Oh, yeah. God, yeah. I’m not sure I could do it without them,” he responded earnestly. “My mom was already retired but now she watches him while I go to school, and I try to make as much money doing odd photography jobs as I can but they help out financially so much. They said the most important thing is for me to finish school and get into college, so that I can make a future for us. And school has never really been my thing. Like ever. But I’m trying like Hell for him.”

“I feel that,” Clarissa answered. “I’ve got so many more interesting things to do than go to school but I have to do something. My mom and dad aren’t really...like they love me and they love her. And they’re good to us, but they don’t really...help. Like they feed us, and they watch Lucy in the evenings so I can go to work but when I’m home she’s my responsibility. I’ve had to learn a lot of things on my own.”

“What do you want to do after high school?”

“I think I want to go to beauty school,” said Clarissa. “How about you?”

“I’ve been accepted to the University of Houston,” Dean was stoic. “It’s where my older brother goes. It’s not what I really WANT to do but I don’t know what I really want to do anyway. Is that weird? I mean I feel like there’s no point to going if I don’t know where I want to end up, but I applied and I got accepted and there’s a scholarship. Roman swears the first two years are just basic courses anyway so there’s no reason to be in a hurry. But I don’t know. That stuff seems like a waste of time but what can I do? I have to get a job that will provide for my kid.”

Clarissa grinned at him.

“I love that you understand,” she told him quietly. “Most of the time, it doesn’t seem like anyone else does.”

Dean did understand. He understood all too well. Putting another person before himself was HARD. And it had taken some serious getting used to, but by now he felt like it came a whole lot more easily. He couldn’t help but feel uneasy though, about college. The thing was, he wanted to provide for Finn more than anything. And he understood that a solid job was the only way to do that, since he was unlikely to win the lottery. But the rest of his life was a long time, and it was an especially long if he was roped into doing something he hated for 50 years…

His camera flashed into his mind then and he sighed. Clarissa noticed.

“You okay?” 

“Yeah,” he murmured. “I’m good. I just...before Finn, I was gonna be a photographer. Travel to exotic places and meet exotic people. And not just take pictures but learn more about the world. Maybe even change it somehow. I always figured that was the real reason I’m here. To do good in the world. To make it better.”

“Oh, Dean,” Clarissa rested her hand on his. “First of all, I get it. The dream changed right? I was going to be a dancer. I seriously had my eyes on Juilliard. Auditioning, anyway, but I haven’t danced a step since I gave birth. But listen, you’ve gotta realize...look at him. You DID change the world. And you did make it better. Because the world will be a better place because Finn is in it. So maybe the big plans will have to wait until he’s a little older and doesn’t need you so much and maybe they’ll never happen but you know what? As far as I’m concerned, we’ve both done our part. I dream about Lucy graduating from medical school sometimes. All of my dreams, the ones I can still chase and the ones I can’t, they live on in her.”

Dean was struck at the poignancy of this. She was right of course. Because Finn was the greatest gift he’d ever been given, but he was also the greatest gift that Dean could ever give to anyone else. He smiled at Clarissa.

“Fair. You’re right. And I haven’t given up on photography anyway. It’s not easy to make it as a photographer but I’ve made a little money so far.”

“See? So maybe world travelling comes later, but that doesn’t mean you can’t keep working on photography right now. Do you have a portfolio? I’d love to see your work sometime.”

He grinned.

“Well...I’d love to show you sometime. I’m working on my portfolio. I’ve done a lot of different things. Only a few paid though.”

“Still, experience is experience,” Clarissa pointed out. “You can practice on Lucy any time you want.”

“Actually, that’s not a bad idea,” Dean replied. “I don’t have anything in my portfolio of a girl. Just Finn and my mom’s friend’s little boy, Alfie. Maybe we can do some fun stuff sometime. Maybe we could even do pics of the two of them together. Hey...Clarissa?”

“Yeah?”

“My prom is coming up in three weeks. Would you like to come with me?”

Clarissa giggled, then sobered.

“I would love to go with you but it’ll depend on whether I can find a babysitter.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” Dean reassured her. “My parents are chaperoning the dance but my older brother and his girlfriend are already watching Finn, and I’m 100% sure they wouldn’t mind if Lucy was there too. I’ll ask him of course, but I really don’t think it’ll be a problem.”

“Okay, then,” Clarissa smiled. “It’s a date.”

A date. Yes, it WAS a date. And Dean was pleased that he’d found the courage to ask. He really liked this girl. And he wasn’t sure there was anyone on Earth who understood his current reality better than Clarissa did. Hanging out was fun, sure. But he couldn’t help but wonder how much more fun it would be to spend time together without Lucy and Finn.

 

____________________________________

 

The day before Easter was exciting for Seth, though not because of the holiday.

It was five days until the opening night of Aladdin.

He knew his lines back and front by now, could recite them in his sleep, and rehearsals couldn’t have been better. The sets looked amazing thanks to Dean and the other students painting and building, and everything was pretty much ready to go. Seth had even made peace with kissing Katie Laird. After the first couple of times they practiced it became fairly routine and it really didn’t mean a damn thing.

It didn’t hurt that after every single practice, Vali scooped him into his arms and planted a giant smooch right on Seth’s lips.

“What are you doing?” Seth had giggled between smacks, and Valentino had grinned down at him.

“Gettin’ that girl taste out of your mouth,” his boyfriend replied, and Seth couldn’t stop laughing.

The night before Easter, the family gathered around the kitchen table to dye eggs, a Girardi tradition. Megan and Valentino joined them for this, and everyone crowded around the kitchen table and laughed and talked as the eggs steeped in dye. Finn sat in his high chair and took it all in, wrinkling his nose at the sour smell of vinegar, but babbling all the same. Dean took a white crayon and wrote Finn’s name on one of the eggs before sticking it into the cup of red egg color.

“Do you like red, buddy? Daddy likes red. Red like my truck. Hey---Mom?” 

“Yeah, sweetie,” Lily had been attempting to help Roman, who was still one-handed, fish a green egg out of the coffee mug in front of him.

“We need to take family pictures. Like soon.”

Ahhhhhh, yes. This was the plan. Mom and Dad’s anniversary was less than 6 weeks away, and the boys had been tasked with asking their mother if they’d ever have a family picture made. Luckily, Lily took the bait immediately.

“Oh, wow, yeah, we do,” she agreed. “We’ve never had a professional family portrait done. And I wouldn’t mind some of you boys, and the baby, and Roman and Megan and Seth and Valentino. And I don’t have a good formal portrait of Dean and Finn. But do you know anyone who’d be good? Anyone who’s as good as you?”

Dean grinned wide.

“No, but I reckon Megan could hold the camera long enough to actually take a photo if I posed it. Or maybe we could ask Clarissa; if she’s got the time I bet she’d help out. I could probably trade her for some photos of Lucy or something.”

“Good idea. You really like her, huh?” Lily’s face was serious but held a hint of a smile and it made Seth smile too. 

“She’s pretty fun. I’m not like diving into anything huge yet. But I do like her. I mean I enjoy her company. And Finn definitely has fun with her little girl, so that’s a plus.”

“You should invite her over sometime,” Tony said as he fished a lime green egg out of the dye. “Doesn’t have to be serious but if Finn’s got a friend he should ask her to come and play.”

“Dean should ask his friend over to play too,” Roman smirked, and beside him, Seth could feel Vali stifle a laugh. Dean gave Roman a dirty look.

“You’ll meet her on prom night,” he grumbled.

“Yes we will,” Lily cut in calmly. “And it’s up to Dean whether he wants to subject her to you before that, and we’ll respect whatever he decides so hush, Roman Nicholas. Let’s get cleaned up, guys, huh? I know you probably have more interesting ways to spend your evening than watching eggs dry.”

Vali elbowed Seth gently and Seth leaned over and kissed his cheek. Then Vali turned and planted a kiss on Seth's lips. 

 

“Wanna take a walk?” Seth asked.

“Yeah. I wouldn’t mind that.”

They excused themselves and headed out the door, hands intertwined, and as they walked, Vali leaned over and brushed his lips against Seth’s neck.

“I want you to know that I love your family,” he murmured. “I love that I kissed you right in front of them and none of them even so much as blinked. I love that.”

“I kind of feel like an idiot for ever doubting that they’d still love me,” Seth blushed a little and looked down at his feet. But Vali gently tilted his chin up and gazed into his eyes.

“Coming out is the scariest thing in the world. Even the most supportive straight parents don’t tend to consider that their kid might be gay, or how they’ll handle it. You’re no idiot, baby.”

Seth rested his head on Vali’s shoulder, comfy in his boyfriend’s embrace, the feel of his fingers softly rubbing up and down between Seth’s shoulder blades. They stayed that way for a moment. Before Seth looked back up at Valentino.

“We’re both lucky,” he said quietly. “We have great supportive families, and we have each other. I just feel like I’m in a really good place right now you know?”

Vali smiled.

“I do know. Now if we can just both get acceptance letters to the same place…”

Seth squeezed Valentino tighter. It was true; it hadn’t happened yet. Both had been accepted several places but none of them were the same. He wasn’t going to worry about that just yet though. No matter what happened next with school, he knew they could make it work.


	142. Prelude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unchartered territory for Seth and Vali here. Let me know if you think tags should be added or ratings changed.

“I’ll do it.”

It was 5:30 am the day after Easter, and Tony had already left the house, but as per usual, Dean and Seth didn’t have school that day. Although Creek Ridge was not a parochial school, they still had a small break that weekend, with both Good Friday and the following Monday off. Roman didn’t have class on Mondays til 10, so it surprised Lily to find him awake and crawling into her bed that morning. He was back to sleeping in his own bed with pillows strategically placed around him to keep him from rolling over onto his bad shoulder, but Lily knew he was still having trouble falling asleep. Often he wouldn’t pass out until 3 or 4 a.m. He usually would’ve slept until 9 and then thrown on some clothes in time for Megan to pick him up at 9:30. 

Lily positioned herself so that he could comfortably rest on her with no strain on his shoulder. She knew her son was struggling with a lot right then. The rehab process was painstakingly slow and he still wasn’t allowed much use of his arm, which just made everything more difficult. He’d given up on shaving and a full black beard was coming in. The boy had never looked more like a man, yet here he was, crawling into her bed for comfort.

“You’ll do what, kiddo?” Lily murmured, as she held him tight. She already knew the answer.

“I’ll see Lisa,” Roman whispered.

“Yeah?”

“Yes...I will,” her son was quiet, stoic. He rested his head on her shoulder and just breathed softly while she rubbed his shoulders. He didn’t seem anxious or afraid or even angry. He just seemed...exhausted. Lily knew she probably should just give in and let the conversation be finished, knew that Roman was on the edge right now and very likely didn’t feel like explaining himself, but there was one thing she needed to know.

“Okay...it’s your decision, baby. I’m going to stand by you no matter what. But I’m curious...who are you doing this for?”

“What do you mean?” Roman asked.

“I mean...why? Why do you want to see her?”

“Oh, I don’t,” Roman replied quickly. “I don’t want to see her.”

“Then why are you agreeing to do it? Roman, baby...you don’t have to. You don’t have to do it for Dad and you certainly don’t have to do it for Lisa---”

“I know,” Roman interrupted. “I don’t...it’s not for them.”

“Good,” Lily responded gently. “But then why? I’m not trying to talk you out of this, baby. But I really am curious.”

Roman was silent for a few moments, and Lily took that opportunity to massage his temple and kiss him on the forehead. Finally he sighed.

“To be honest, I don’t know,” he answered. “I just...I don’t want to see her. But at the same time I do. Because...I guess because I want her to see that I’m fine. I kind of...it’s wrong of me right? Because she’s going to die and it’s really her own fault. And all I want is to know if it was worth it. She’s lost everything. Her husband, me, and now her life. She did everything she could to screw me up, Mom. And maybe I’m a little screwed up, sure. All my life I’ve heard that it was because of the alcohol and it didn’t have anything to do with me but it DID. It did. I don’t care what anyone says. I don’t care if she meant it or not. How am I supposed to forgive her? But on the other hand, I feel like if she’s going to die anyway then is there any harm into just telling her all’s well and leaving it at that? What if I just let her have that and get on with my life? Am I a sellout?”

“No one is asking you to forgive her, Ro,” Lily replied plainly. Her heart ached for her son. “I’m not sure even Lisa is asking for that.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. How the hell do we know what she really wants? Just because she says so? She said she’d do better for me. She said she’d get sober for me, she said she’d take care of me, she said a whole lot of things and it was all lies.”

“I know. Roman, I know that.”

“I wasn’t enough,” he whispered then. “I was her son. And I wasn’t enough.”

Lily sighed into Roman’s hair. For once she had no idea what to say; she didn’t even bother to point out that Roman’s words sort of contradicted themselves, because she kind of thought he already knew that. Instead, she spoke from her heart.

“Baby, I don’t know what I need to say to help you right now. I wish I had the words to explain to you what I feel in my soul.”

“There’s nothing TO say, Mommy,” Roman drew a ragged breath. 

“Your feelings aren’t wrong,” she went on, oblivious to his statement. “You don’t have to forgive her and you don’t have to like her and you don’t even have to love her. You’re right to be conflicted. It’s an impossible situation, Roman.”

“She didn’t deserve me,” the oldest Girardi shifted slightly so he could rest his face in the crook of his mother’s neck. And because she understood that what he really needed was reassurance, she conceded.

“Nope. She never did,” Lily murmured, placing a kiss on her son’s forehead. “She just got lucky.”

“Yeah. She was lucky.”

“But how are you screwed up?” Lily wondered.

“I’m too stubborn,” Roman answered immediately. “I don’t ask for help when I should. I don’t trust people. I’m too hard on myself and I’m pretty damn dumb.”

“Oh, Roman, don’t say that. You’re not dumb.”

“I peed on your chair. I’m 19.”

“It was the meds, kiddo, c’mon. And you’re not 19 yet; please let’s not speed up time. Ro, listen to me, son, think about it. Don’t you think we’re ALL just a little screwed up?” Lily asked him.

“Well…”

“I mean think about it,” Lily repeated. “I’ve got control issues and I don’t handle stress. Dean’s emotional and Seth’s immature, and Daddy’s biggest character flaw is that he thinks he’s perfect.”

Roman laughed at this and nodded his agreement against her shoulder. 

“Do you think Dad is in love with himself, Mama?”

“Oh, nah. Your dad has a great deal of wonderful qualities, Roman, qualities that I see in you boys every single day and you have no idea how happy that makes me. But he doesn’t listen and he can be a hothead, and he’s pretty much the leader of the stubborn parade. None of us is perfect, Ro. But we’re good people. We try hard. We love each other. That’s kind of the beauty of family, you know? Where one of us lacks there’s usually another who can help fill in the gaps and all together, we may not foolproof but we’re totally acceptable.”

Roman laughed again.

“Okay, okay,” he wriggled even closer. “So maybe she didn’t ruin me.”

“Nah, you’re just dented at worst.”

“Mom? I love you. You’ll come with me, right?”

“Oh, Roman. I love you too and I would never dream of letting you face this without me. But there’s something I need you to do.”

“What’s that?” Roman asked, and Lily could almost feel him looking at her quizzically in the dark.

“You gotta let yourself off the hook, son,” she told him gently. “The time for guilt and self-loathing and anger and all of those things---it’s long passed. You didn’t do a thing wrong and she still wasn’t the mother you deserved and that’s hard but it’s done. You cannot blame yourself and you’ll feel a lot better if you let go of blaming her. That’s not your life anymore, Roman Nicholas, and no matter how hard things are right now, you can’t go back to that place.”

“I know,” he yawned, then whispered,

“I want to just let go. I want to forgive her and be done with it. But I can’t…”

“Don’t misunderstand,” Lily corrected. “As far as I’m concerned, she hasn’t earned your forgiveness and never will but I think there’s a difference between forgiving someone and simply accepting their apology. Also, I read somewhere once, it was Brian Andreas, he wrote ‘no hurt can last forever without our help.’ So what you really need to decide is this: do you want to tell her she screwed you up? Or do you want to tell her, hey, regardless of what you did, I turned out great anyway?”

“I guess...maybe…”

“No maybes. You’re fantastic, faults and all. I wouldn’t change you. Well, I maybe would’ve told me a long time ago that your shoulder was bugging you. But anyway. And you also have to ask yourself, Roman, what kind of person do you want to be? Do you stand to gain anything by placing blame? I mean I’m not saying there’s a right or wrong answer here. Only you can know this. And here’s my next question: can you let this woman go to her grave knowing she, at least claims, that she wants to tell you how sorry she is? And would it hurt to just tell her it’s okay just to put her soul at ease? You don’t owe her that; you don’t owe her anything. But I don’t think you’re selling yourself out if you give her a little bit of peace, son. I think that just makes you...a decent person.”

“Am I a not decent person if I don’t do that?”

“No. No, you’re no less decent. You’re human, baby. You’re human and she hurt you. That’s what makes this an impossible situation. Everything we do, we have to live with it and worse, we have to die with it. That’s what’s happening with Lisa right now. She’s gotta die with all of her transgressions and I think, I just have this feeling, that while she really does want to tell you she’s sorry, I really think that also, she wants to see for herself that you’re a wonderful person. So she can know that she didn’t completely fuck you up and that you’re going to make something of yourself.”

Roman drew in a breath.

“Okay. Yeah, okay. Maybe you’re right. Guess we won’t really know until we see her, just...okay. Thanks, Mama. Mama?”

“Yes, my love?”

“Thank you. For never putting me through this.”

 

____________________________________________________

 

Opening night of Aladdin was amazing and Valentino had never ever been more proud of anyone than he was of Seth that evening. 

His performance had been brilliant.

Both of them had large groups of family in attendance; Seth had his parents, both brothers, his Nana and Granddad, Megan, Natalie, and Audrey there to watch. Valentino’s parents were there, of course, along with both paternal grandparents, his abuela (Araceli’s mother), three aunts, and two cousins. 

After the performance, which took place on a Friday night, they entire group went to a local pizzeria. Vali tried to keep himself in the conversation, tried to remember his manners and keep his tone light, but he was struggling insanely hard with something that was pretty embarrassing.

That night was the first time he’d seen Seth in his whole costume. During the last few dress rehearsals, he’d run through in sweatpants. Apparently, Vali’s boy had been working out a little in preparation for spending part of his role shirtless, and that required his jacket to need letting out. It wasn’t ready until about 15 minutes before the show began, and yeah...Vali was woefully unprepared for the effect that Seth would have on him.

He was hopelessly aroused.

It wasn’t the first time that Seth had done something to get Vali’s motor going; actually it happened a lot. Regardless of his boyfriend’s disregard for his own physical beauty, Vali noticed all the time. And there wasn’t much about Seth that wasn’t sexy, but Seth on stage in just a vest and poofy pants, abs and chest bared, completely radiating confidence---it was more than Vali could handle.

Normally he’d just excuse himself and to someplace private and take care of business, then go about his day. But surrounded by that many people, privacy was an impossibility, and if Vali was sure of anything, it was that Seth would want to go to the treehouse after they ate to make out.

He was right.

Valentino didn’t want to handle Seth with kid gloves in situations like this, but he also knew that the only way to do this was at the pace that Seth could handle, whatever that was. Seth, Vali knew, was definitely interested in sex. Lately their makeout sessions had become more urgent, almost desperate, and often ended with lots of heavy petting and panting, but the closer Seth got to a climax, the more he hesitated. The hard thing was that Vali knew Seth was ready. He just couldn’t quite get past the anxiety of what it might feel like.

It was frustrating, and the worst part was that Seth was clearly frustrated over it too, if his tendency to apologize was any indicator. Vali usually just held him tight, whispering over and over that everything was okay. That they’d get there when the time was right and not to worry, that there was nothing wrong with him, that he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to do. Sometimes, though, Valentino distinctly got the impression that he was saying the wrong things, because sometimes, it was clear that what Seth WANTED wasn’t the issue here.

This night was different though, and Vali could feel it right away. It was in the way Seth moved, the way he pressed his body against Vali’s as their lips met, the way he placed Vali’s hands strategically upon his own body. It was in the way he used his own hands to press against Vali’s own erection.

“Mmmmm,” he sighed softly into Seth’s ear. “Keep doing that, huh? Please?”

Seth nodded and then gasped as Vali bit gently on his neck. 

“I love you,” Valentino breathed softly. “I love you so much.”

It took him a moment to realize that Seth was trembling a little, which was usually a sign that they’d soon need to stop but instead of tensing up, he slid Vali’s hand beneath his shorts.

“Touch me,” he murmured.

“Yeah?” 

Seth nodded, so Vali did. He spit into his palm and gently took his boyfriend into his hand. He half expected Seth’s reaction to be volatile, and he prepared to let go quickly. Seth did tense and moan, but then he whimpered softly.

“Oh...Vali…”

“Okay?” Vali murmured softly into his ear, pressing soft kisses onto his lobe. 

“Y-yeah...yes.”

Vali tightened his grip and began to stroke, paying close attention to Seth’s body language and the way he breathed in sharply and exhaled slowly. His eyes were lidded, his head tipped back, and his back arched just a little as Vali slid down his body. He had an idea.

“I want to suck you. Is that okay?”

Seth’s eyes flew open and he regarded Vali. 

“It won’t hurt,” Valentino hurriedly went on. “I think you’ll like it. But if you don’t, baby, if you don’t for even one second, I’ll stop. I just want to make you feel good.”

“Okay...yeah...okay,” Seth whispered as he leaned back and clearly tried to relax. 

“You’re okay,” Vali murmured and then he slowly sucked Seth’s dick into his mouth.

Seth shuddered but then relaxed and his legs parted and Vali smiled as he worked his way up and down the shaft.

“Good, yeah? That feel okay?”

“Mmmm...it does. It feels really...like...fire.”

Vali giggled.

“That’s a good way to describe it. You’re doing so good, baby.”

Seth was handling this extremely well, so well in fact, that another idea began to form in Valentino’s mind, only this he knew may not be well received. He kept on sucking and licking on his boyfriend, until his body language signaled that he was getting close.

“Seth?”

“Mmmmmm,” Seth let out a whine, apparently irritated at the sudden lost of stimulation. 

“Noooooo, I like this, don’t stop,” he mumbled and Vali crawled back up so that they were lying side by side again.

“You want more, baby?” Vali murmured, voice soothing, into Seth’s ear. “I wanna give you more.”

He offered his finger to Seth’s lips and Seth immediately sucked it in.

“How do you feel?” Vali went on. 

It was as plain as day how Seth felt. He was rock-hard and shivering, his hips still trying to move with a rhythm that was no longer there, madly sucking on Vali’s finger.

“I don’t know,” he moaned. “I just...I don’t know. What’s gonna happen?”

“Look at me, Seth,” Vali said quietly and their eyes locked and immediately Vali could tell that Seth knew what he was about to suggest.

“You can say no,” he went on. Seth lay silent and still, although he still held Valentino’s finger in his mouth. “But I can make you feel so much better, baby. Do you know what fingering is?”

Seth slowly nodded, eyes wide, but he didn’t seem fearful. 

“Can I baby? Just to try?”

The pause that followed was long and tense, but then Seth whispered,

“I can say no?”

Taken aback, Vali wrapped both arms around his boyfriend and held him tight.

“You can say no. Of course you can say no. I will never take away your choices, baby.”

“What if I don’t like it?”

“Then we’ll stop. But I think you’ll love it.”

Vali added his own saliva to his finger and slowly, gently reached down to circle Seth’s rim. He whimpered at the touch but didn’t freak out or beg Vali to stop, so he continued to softly rub the area. Then Seth spoke.

“O-okay...okay. I think...I think I can try.”

“I promise I’ll stop if you don’t love it, Ali,” Valentino leaned down over Seth and kissed him slowly. “Just relax. Just one finger; that’ll all for today.”

Seth nodded, eyes squeezed shut.

“Can you look at me?”

He took in a ragged breath but gazed up at Vali, who continued to circle his tightly clenched hole.

“Take a breath, babe,” Vali coached, and Seth did. “Slow and easy…”

The second Vali’s finger was inside Seth up to the first knuckle, Seth’s entire body clasped around it and he moaned. 

“Does it hurt? Baby, tell me if it hurts,” Vali murmured.

“Doesn’t hurt,” Seth choked out. “Just...just feels huge.”

“I know,” Valentino kept his voice as even as he could. He could sense Seth’s discomfort, but he also was fueled by determination, both Seth’s and his own, to show him how good this could feel.

Seth couldn’t relax, though. Vali tried his best to soothe him, but both of their frustration continued to mount, until, right after Seth had gasped,

“Dammit, I just want to LIKE this!”

Vali’s finger found something. A small, slightly raised spot, and when he touched it Seth arched up with a soft groan.

“What? What’s…”

“Your prostate,” Valentino drew his finger over the area again, and again, Seth arched and then he whined,

“Oh my God…”

“Good?”

“God yes…”

Once Vali knew the spot, it didn’t take long to reduce Seth to a puddle of moaning bliss, completely incapable of stringing words together, so Vali whispered sweet nothings into his ear and it wasn’t long before…

“Uhnnnngggg, oh Vali, oh please!”

And then Seth was flying.

Vali didn’t stop his tender onslaught, but he used his other arm to cradle Seth close, letting him cry out and grunt and plead as he slowly came back down from the high that his first orgasm ever had sent him on. He was short of breath by the end of it, gasping and clawing at Vali and only then did he withdraw his finger to hold Seth tight.

“What...What happened. What was...did I just…?”

“You sure did, babe. It’s okay. You did it. We did it. I’ve got you.”

Seth buried his face into Vali’s pecs and for a moment it seemed as though he might cry, but Vali encouraged him to take a few deep breaths and after a few moments he went limp in Valentino’s arms. But he tilted his head and his eyes caught Vali’s own erection, now raging from all of the heat.

“How...how do I make you feel like that?”

Vali laughed gently and planted a kiss into Seth’s hair. 

“Someday soon I’ll show you, babe, but tonight is all about you okay?”

His answer didn’t seem to satisfy Seth, though, who continued to gaze at Vali’s hard-on. A few moments later, still breathing a little bit heavy, he looked up at Vali again with wide brown eyes.

“Can I touch it?”

What Vali had meant to say was, if you really want to, or even, you don’t have to, I’m good. What came out of his mouth instead was, 

“God, I wish you would.”

So Seth did. 

And sure, it took a little coaching; his inexperienced hands trembled at first and he continually questioned if he was doing it right, but it took very little time for everything that had happened that night to catch up to Valentino, and before long he was letting out a lusty groan of his own.

Seth gazed at him in awe. At first Vali wasn’t sure what he was so focused on, until he realized they had accumulated a pretty big puddle of cum, especially to a guy who had never actually---Vali smiled.

“What do you think?”

“I think I’m not sure how you’re going to fit that whole big thing in my ass…”

He couldn’t help but laugh.

“Let’s try not to worry about that; when the time is right we’ll figure it out. And anyway, who’s to say I don’t want yours in mine?”

“DO you want that?” Seth seemed incredulous.

“I mean I wouldn’t say no,” Vali replied earnestly. “I’ve done both ways; they’re both good. Don’t you want to try that eventually?”

“It...I mean I guess I never really even considered that possibility,” Seth replied quietly, nuzzling closer and sighing. “Tonight...tonight though...why am I so sleepy?”

“It’s a guy thing,” Vali replied. “You can rest. I’m not gonna let you go. I love you so much, Ali. So very much.”

Seth sighed and let his eyes drift closed, but then he opened them again.

“I love you too. My Mufasa…”


	143. How Honey Badger Got Her Name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically 100% angst. It's short. Also, warning. It ends on a small cliffhanger. Because I needed a break from writing it.

Honey Badger had been Roman’s very first friend.

Years ago, when he had first come home to live with his parents, his life had been a cauldron bubbling with uncertainty. But from the very first night, Honey had been by his side through virtually everything, from nightmares to illnesses to injuries to broken hearts. Many times, he’d cried himself to sleep with his arms around her neck, hot tears falling on soft fur, the feel of her heart beating against him the thing that finally lulled him into relaxed complacency. 

She was always with him, when he was home. They studied together, went on romps through the woods, went swimming, and every night, every single night since Roman first came home 9 years earlier, Honey Badger slept in his bed with him.

By the spring before Roman turned 19, Honey was pretty old herself; a good 20 years, his father claimed, although Lily said she reckoned it was more like 16. Either way, Roman didn’t want her to start slowing down, though he knew she wouldn’t live forever. But he put it out of his mind and tried not to think about it. 

And with everything else going on that was pretty easy. When he laid in bed in the dark cursing himself for his idiocy and letting his arm go as far as it had gone, Honey would hop up next to him and nestle close and rest her big shepherd-esque head on his side, up under his bad arm, so that he could rest his hand on her neck. She loved her some neck scratches. And she loved to have her booty scratched too. And she gave the best stinky kisses in the whole wide world.

If Roman was honest with himself, the first sign of trouble had occurred a couple of months prior, right around Valentine’s Day. Honey went an entire weekend without eating one bite of her kibble.

“Well,” Lily had mused when Roman expressed his concern. “She’s getting old, baby; she might be slowing down…”

“She’s not slowing down; she’s just...she’s older,” Roman argued. “Maybe she’s tired of eating the same stuff. Don’t they have food for older dogs?”

Lily looked at Roman sympathetically, but then she smiled at him.

“Tell you what,” she said. “I’ll go out to Petsmart tomorrow and look, okay? I doubt she’s just tired of her food, but you’re right that they do make dog food for furbabies her age. We’ll try something different. She seems okay otherwise, huh?”

“Yeah,” Roman conceded, watching Honey bounce through the tall grass near the pasture, intent on making sure squirrels stayed clear of the yard. “I mean...look at her. She doesn’t LOOK sick. It’s just...when have you ever known her to miss a meal?”

“Well...she was finicky as a baby but not since she’s been older,” Lily mused. “Listen, I’ll get a senior formula and we can try it and if she doesn’t eat it we’ll make an appointment with Dr. Lusby, okay? Try not to worry, Ro. She really does seem fine.”

The next Monday, they started feeding Honey kibble for senior dogs. Roman hated it, but she went back to eating immediately, so he decided to just be happy, even though the new kibble gave her orange poop. When he’d consulted his mother on this, they both had agreed that it would probably take her digestive system a little bit of time to get used to a new formula. Her appetite returned with vigor and with everything else going on, it was easy to forget that the weekend of hunger strike ever even happened.

Fast forward two months, however, and something was clearly very wrong with his dog.

The first thing Roman noticed was that she seemed to have weakness in her back legs. He’d tripped over her a couple of days ago, and he was really concerned that maybe he’d hurt her back. They’d been walking down the hall together towards his bedroom when Honey Badger stopped cold, and he just couldn’t stop quickly enough, and he plowed into her back end. She walked gingerly after that, and when she tried to jump up to greet him, she fell right back down to her butt. Lily agreed that something seemed off, so they made an appointment with the vet for the following Monday.

But over the weekend, Honey Badger just got worse. 

By Friday she’d stopped eating again and she still had difficulty walking. Roman begged Megan to come out with a bag of Chick-Fil-A, and Honey happily lay by his side and ate sweet potato fries and grilled nuggets, but she wanted no part of her kibble. His father was in Washington, but he pestered his mother incessantly.

“Should we take her to the emergency vet?” 

“She has an appointment Monday, kiddo, I think we just need to watch her…”

Saturday morning Honey’s walk was so stiff that Roman would have, if he could have, picked her up and carried her anywhere she wanted to go. Since he couldn’t do that, he begged Dean to help him drag out the wheelchair ramp that they’d built after Dean’s bike wreck years earlier; Roman figured that would be easier on Honey than the steps. He walked with her down to the grass so she could squat to pee, but then she began to slowly meander towards the water. They’d had a lot of April rain and the level of the lake was a good bit higher than usual, but Honey found a sunny spot in the damp sand and gingerly laid down. So Roman went and sat beside her and softly stroked her back.

“I need you,” he told her quietly, not sure where the words were even coming from. “I’m not ready to say goodbye to you yet, Honey, okay? Please be okay. Just...please.”

Eventually, they both got up and hobbled together back into the house.

But that night, she couldn’t jump into his bed anymore. He had to go get Dean to lift her up.

Honey didn’t move much all night or anything like that, but she seemed extremely restless and she didn’t really sleep. Roman knew this because he didn’t sleep either.

By Monday morning, Roman was damn aware that Honey Badger’s condition had absolutely nothing to do with her getting tripped over or anything else; something was seriously wrong with her. Her gums were nearly white, she panted almost non-stop, and she had to be carried outdoors to go to the bathroom. 

He knew he was losing her.

The worst part was she wanted to be wherever Roman was, but moving around at this point was clearly miserable for her. Her vet appointment wasn’t until 1, and he was beginning to understand that he wasn’t going to come home with his dog that day. He didn’t know how is mother would feel about having Honey put to sleep, but it finally, finally dawned on him that she was suffering. And he couldn’t let that happen. Not after everything she’d given to him. 

Honey followed him into his bedroom and plopped down beside him on the floor and immediately stretched out on her side. Roman had been determined to keep his emotions in check, knowing his dog hated to see him hurting, but he just couldn’t help himself anymore, and he laid down beside her and rested his head on her side.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, tears pouring down his face. “I love you so much. I don’t know if you know, I don’t know if you get it, but there were days in the beginning...like the only reason I didn’t run away was because I knew you would never understand. This isn’t fair though. So if it’s time for you to go, it’s okay, Honey. I’ll be okay.”

They laid together for a very long time.

As her appointment loomed, Dean and Seth helped lift her into the back of the Highlander, their expressions clearly speaking for them. Lily held Roman’s hand the entire ride to Dr. Lusby’s office. The receptionists, clearly noting that this was a bad situation, went ahead and put them in a room to wait for the doctor to arrive and when she did, she looked Honey over solemnly. 

“I’m going to draw some blood,” she said quietly. “We’ll see what her CBC is and then we’ll go from there.”

It meant more waiting and Roman, although he’d made peace with the fact that he was probably going to lose his buddy today, was anxious and twitchy. He sat on the floor and let Honey rest against his lap while his mother sat in the chair beside him and rubbed the side of his head. By now he was exhausted; he’d skipped therapy and class but all of the emotions pouring out of him had worn him down. When Dr. Lusby returned to the exam room, her face was grim.

“Honey Badger is very sick, guys,” her voice was gentle. “There are a lot of tests we’d need to run if we were going to try to diagnose and treat her, and she’s extremely anemic right now and also very dehydrated. Her red blood cell count is just so incredibly low that she’d need blood transfusions to keep her alive long enough to find out what’s causing her to be so ill.”

It struck Roman like lightning; this was not what he’d expected at all. He’d expected the doctor to come back in and tell him she was sorry but there was nothing she could do, that she had cancer or something and really all that was left was euthanasia.

“You mean...she might get better if we can figure out what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know that,” Dr. Lusby told them, reaching out to stroke the dog. “It’s very expensive to give a dog blood, but that’s what has to happen next if we’re going to do anything to try and save her. There are no guarantees, though, guys.”

“How expensive,” Lily’s voice sounded strange to Roman but he couldn’t quite place what it was.

“About $400 a unit. And she needs at least two units to start.”

Roman’s heart sank back down to his feet. Surely his mother wouldn’t pay so much money just to keep Honey alive long enough to find out if she could even be saved at all. Except...

Lily looked down at Honey Badger, who by then was so exhausted from the whole thing that she could do nothing but lay on the table and pant. Then she looked at her son.

“Is that what you want to do, Roman?”

His eyes filled with tears of a new kind; there was hope. He nodded his head quickly.

“Please, Mommy,” he choked.

“What...do you have any inkling of what might be wrong with her?” Lily asked the doctor.

“It’s impossible to know without running tests. Could be tick diseases, could be something autoimmune. I don’t feel any tumors on her but I can’t completely rule out cancer.”

“And those things are treatable?”

“I also can’t make any promises. If it’s cancer and she’s progressed so rapidly I don’t think there’s anything I could do. If it’s autoimmune it would depend on the disease. I honestly can’t say yes or no without knowing the cause of all of this.”

Lily closed her eyes for a long moment and squeezed Roman’s hand before she looked over at him. Her gaze seemed to be searching for something, though he had no idea what.

“Let’s do it,” she finally said and Roman felt his entire body sag with relief, fresh tears falling down his face. He burrowed himself into his mother’s side.

“Okay,” Dr. Lusby murmured. “All of her blood counts are low but I’m going to give her two units of blood, some IV antibiotics and lots of fluids. She’s going to have to stay here tonight.”

“Can I stay with her?” Roman asked thickly. The doctor offered a kind smile.

“No. But don’t worry; there are people at the vet hospital 24 hours a day. She won’t be alone. We’re gonna do everything we can for her.”

Lily paid up front for the treatment and Roman cringed when he saw the total. Lily led him out to the Highlander. Roman buried his face into his one good hand and simply broke down into sobs. His mother quietly rubbed his back. They sat like that for a good thirty minutes before Lily turned to him.

“Have I ever told you,” she began, “how Honey Badger got her name?”

“N...no,” Roman hiccuped. It seemed like the sort of thing that would’ve come up at some point, but he honestly couldn’t recall ever having that discussion. 

“When she was a tiny puppy, before we met her and brought her home, she was very, very sick.”

“She had parvo,” this part Roman knew.

“She did. And somebody dumped her entire litter off at the vet and just abandoned them there. A whole pile of Rottweiler/Shepherd mixes. Every one of them incredibly sick and all of them died except for one.”

“Honey.”

“That’s right. She’s been a fighter since puppyhood, Ro. I can’t promise you that this will end well. And I have my doubts about even doing this to her but...I’m not ready to give up on Honey if she’s not ready to quit. If we get a diagnosis and try a treatment and it doesn’t work then you know we’ll have to end her suffering.”

“I know, I...I really thought for sure today we’d be doing that. I even told her goodbye, back at the house.”

“Oh Ro...I know this is hard, baby.”

“It is...but you didn’t finish the story.”

“The...story? Oh, how she got her name, right. So Daddy and I had a beautiful Westie mix named Maggie May, and she was our baby but we were ready to add another so we called around some rescues. Daddy wanted a German shepherd but he wanted to rescue one, definitely NOT purchase one. Honey’s not purebred of course, but the second we laid eyes on her we fell in love. But she was really skittish at first and nervous, didn’t want to eat or play or go outside. You know the phrase ‘honey badger don’t give a shit?’”

“Yeah…”

“Well, for about the first four days after she came home, neither did Honey Badger.”

Roman paused a moment and then burst out laughing and Lily laughed too, and he had to admit, it felt good to let some of that tension out. 

“Let’s go get some dinner, huh? Just us? Chili’s?” 

Roman only nodded.

They sat together somberly in a booth. Roman wasn’t really hungry, but he also hadn’t eaten all day. Still, he picked at his chicken and he noticed his mom wasn’t too jazzed about her salad either.

“Do you...do you think she’ll be okay?” Eventually he drummed up enough courage to ask. Lily sighed.

“I don’t know,” she told him softly. “I think it really depends on what’s wrong. And maybe it was cruel of me to agree to do this; maybe...but I’m not sure if I could live with myself knowing I didn’t even try.”

“That’s how I feel too,” Roman whispered, gazing down at his plate. “I just...that was a lot of money, Mom…”

“I know. But I suppose in a lot of ways, Honey Badger is my baby just like you are. I’ve had her longer. She was one of our first babies, you know, Roman, and Daddy and I love her too. And I know...I know she’s your buddy. I know she’s been with you through thick and thin, but the thing is, Ro, she’s been with me, too. When I thought I was never ever going to be a mother, I was a mother to her. When we lost the twins, for awhile it was too hard to talk to your dad because he was hurting too and I didn’t feel like it was fair to burden him with my pain on top of his own. But I could always talk to Honey. I could always talk to any of them. And eventually it helped.”

He’d never even considered any of this. They’d lost two cats since Roman moved in, and Roman also knew his parents had a terrier mix named Maggie who had died before he even arrived. But if he could consider Honey Badger to be his friend, of course his mother could consider her a child. She had to make it. She just had to.


	144. What It Takes to Forgive

The next morning Lily called Dr. Lusby’s office filled with dread. It had been a rough night; all three of the boys were depressed and the baby, sensing the mood, was whiny and fussy all evening. Tony wouldn’t be back until Wednesday, and she had no idea what he’d come home to. However, when she spoke to the doctor, she was encouraged.

“Honey Badger has perked up a lot, and she’s feeling tons better this morning. I don’t have any reason to suspect cancer. We’ll keep working on a diagnosis but I think she can go ahead and go home today.”

So Lily, Roman, and Finn headed out to the clinic, where Honey Badger, although clearly still not 100% herself, still looked miraculously better.  
Her tail wagged furiously the moment she saw Roman and she ran straight to him and sat by his feet. 

“We’re going to prescribe a special wet food for now,” Dr. Lusby told them. “It’s gentle on her tummy and high in calories so hopefully we can get some weight back on her and help her resume her strength. As you can see, two units of blood and 6 bags of fluids have her feeling much better today. She’s eaten a little. I’m still waiting on the tick panel and the autoimmune tests we did. We did a repeat CBC this morning and her anemia is much better. I want to see her again in two days for another CBC, and I’ll hopefully know more tomorrow about her test results. The good news is she really doesn’t have any indicators of cancer so I think we can safely rule that one out for now.”

Roman’s smile said it all when Lily dropped him off on campus for class before taking Honey and the baby home.

Once there, Finny rolled around on the play mat the Easter Bunny had brought him, and Honey Badger slept in the living room by the window. The other dogs dozed lazily and a few of the cats seemed content to sleep on the backs of chairs. Lily sprawled out on the sofa. Now that Honey was home and seemed to be on the mend, she had every intention of sitting down and looking through the family photos they’d taken just over a week prior.

They were nothing short of amazing.

She was already imagining all of the ways she could arrange prints. She’d been planning since her family first brought the idea up to create a sort of gallery wall in the front foyer, so that anyone who came to visit her home would see it first and foremost upon entry, and it could be properly admired. 

Dean had suggested Clarissa come out to shoot the photos, promising he’d pose them himself, but he couldn’t quite understand why his parents insisted that he invite her out to the house the night before so she could meet the family. 

“Seriously?” Lily and Megan shared an amused look. “Would you want to meet her family the day you were basically coming out to do an important job for them?”

“Why not?” Dean wanted to know. 

“God, you’re such a BOY,” Megan lamented and Lily laughed.

“Sweetie...I know you’re just friends, but I think just in case she’s nervous, let’s just ease her into us.”

“But why would she be nervous? You guys are fine.”

Lily laughed again.

“Thanks for your approval. Especially considering you’re one of ‘us guys.’”

In the end, she got her way and she had to admit that meeting Clarissa was an enjoyable experience. She was no Jessie, that was for sure. But considering how that relationship had ended, Lily reckoned that was probably a good thing. She spoke easily with Roman and Seth, joked with Tony, and offered Lily a shy hug.

“It’s good to finally meet you,” she’d said. “When Dean talks about you guys, you can tell he feels like he’s home.”

Now, looking through their first EVER family portraits, it was difficult not to break down into sobs. Her sons looked so grown up and her handsome husband was every bit as stunning now as he’d been almost 25 years ago and then of course there was the little man. She had a snapshot that she would always cherish; a photo of her three babies sitting in front of the fireplace on Seth’s very first Christmas morning. He’d been 12, Roman 13, and Dean had just turned 13 barely two weeks earlier.  
Although Seth had been hopelessly overwhelmed that Christmas, he’d come out from hiding behind his mama to crawl in between his brothers. In the photo, he was snuggled into Roman’s side with Dean wrapped around them both. Seth’s eyes were wide and questioning as always, while Dean and Roman grinned goofily. Lily compared this to the photo of her three sons staring back at her from the computer screen.

There were several poses of just the three boys but she was immediately drawn to a close up. They’d done the pictures outdoors and they were framed by green leaves, but Lily immediately noticed that Seth’s inclination was still to lean into Roman, while Dean’s arm reached across both of his brother’s backs. So much had changed in almost six years, but some things, it seemed, never ever would. Would there ever be anything that broke the bond her sons shared? Lily certainly hoped not. 

She grabbed a pen and began writing down a list of different pictures and sizes that she couldn’t live without. Honey Badger had moved from the window and hopped up on the sofa beside Lily and was sound asleep at her feet. Finn, too, had succumbed to a nap and Pippi was sprawled out beside him. In fact, all of the dogs and most of the cats were still snoozing lazily, but Spider and Monkey were running around. 

This wasn’t exceptionally unusual; they WERE cats after all. Except they’d race across the floor and then screech to a halt and leap up into the nearest window sill. They’d stop and stare out at the sky for a moment, then repeat ad nauseum, occasionally hissing at each other.

Lily wondered if they were bird watching, or perhaps there were bugs in the window; the cats (and the dogs for that matter) adored catching bugs. But when Lily went to the window to see for herself, the sight was very different.

Massive, charcoal gray clouds were beginning to loom. They billowed up and out and were fairly intimidating. Lily paused.

They’d had plenty of rain in the past month or so, but a storm was definitely brewing now. She checked her phone; 2:30. Her boys would all be leaving school within the hour. Roman may already be on his way. Lily’s phone sat on the coffee table; it hadn’t buzzed or done anything to notify her that bad weather was coming so surely this was nothing serious. She opened the Weather Channel app anyway.

Rain in view, it read. Lightning strike 3 mi SE. 

It didn’t look too serious, though Lily suspected it was about to get loud. So after a quick “be careful” text to each of her boys, she settled down on the sofa with a cup of tea and sighed contentedly. She loved a good storm. The sounds, the smell, the way the air felt---she loved everything about it. Unfortunately, she quickly learned that someone else didn’t.

With the first clap of thunder, Finn stirred. He stretched his little arms and legs, then flopped onto his back, eyes confused. What had woken him? Lily smiled at him from her perch on the couch.

“Heyyyyyyyy, lil man! Did you have a good snooze?”

Finn started to grin at her but a second thunder clap rattled the house. The baby’s reaction was almost funny. Almost. Mid-grin, his face began to morph. His eyes screwed up and his mouth opened wide and then a wail began to emerge.

Lily had no way of knowing what had made Dean and Seth fear storms when they were younger; she suspected that for Dean, they brought back memories best forgotten, and Seth was skittish and jumpy around big noises anyway. But she didn’t want Finn to be afraid of them too. She remembered reading something in a book, way back from the days when she was still trying to get pregnant, about exposing infants and toddlers to things that frightened them. It seemed a little silly now but she didn’t have a better idea, so what could it hurt?

She picked up the crying little one into her arms and hugged him against her. She patted his back but didn’t really say anything to soothe him. Instead she took him over to the window and sat in the nearest chair. The sky was outright angry now, spitting hard raindrops and billowing, so it wasn’t much longer before the next clap of thunder hit. Finn jumped and started crying harder but Lily was prepared.

She lifted him up and blew a raspberry on his belly.

Now, this was something that Finn ordinarily LOVED and he and Dean would giggle for hours when Dean blew on his tummy. So although he clearly still felt as though he was in peril, he also paused a moment. Lily wasted no time doing it again. A tiny, teary, pitiful giggle escaped the baby.

“See? It won’t hurt you! Yay, Finny!”

She stood him on her lap and held him so he could “jump” up and down, though all it really was was rapidly bending his knees, and then she began to sing.

“Gigi has a grandbaby and Finny is his name-o! F-I-N-N-Y! F-I-N-N-Y! F-I-N-N-Y! And Finny is his name-o!”

The baby was clearly enjoying this attention, and he seemed to be far less concerned by the storm, so she gently moved them back down to the floor on Finn’s blanket. Then she laid on her back and used her feet to lift Finn up into the air.

“It’s super baby!” 

This got giggles, smiles, and a great string of slobber right in her face, so she plopped him down on his back next to her and began to gently tickle him. Finn laughed and laughed, and Lily laughed too, until she realized she really had to pee and bolted for the bathroom. 

When she returned Finn was still all smiles, nevermind that the pouring rain sounded like a freight train flying past or the thunder was rattling the house. Although Finn was normally content to play with his toys while she supervised and caught up on housework, Lily found she really enjoyed just playing with him right there on the carpet. The laundry would still be there later.

“Oh, little man,” she cooed as Finn sat himself up. “You are getting SOOOOOOOOOOO BIG! What are we gonna do? We need to slow you down.”

Finn blew her some bubbles.

“Yeah, I know. You’re not Peter Pan; you’ve gotta grow up eventually. But not today, okay? You know, your dad’s first Father’s Day is coming. You and I, we gotta come up with a great idea for him huh? Wanna help?”

He let out a screech.

“Okay. You think about it and Gigi’s all ears.”

For the rest of the afternoon, they hung out. They read books and played with Finn’s toys and when he got hungry and sleepy, she rocked him while he ate his bottle. The storm raged on, but when Dean got home later, panicked and worried that his boy had been in peril, Lily just smiled.

“We did good. He’s fine. He probably wants a snuggle though. Go hang out with him for a bit.”

This Gigi thing was never going to get old.

 

___________________________________

 

Two days after Honey went to the vet, her blood test results came back. Lily sat Roman down at the kitchen table.

“She has tick diseases,” his mother told him.

“TICK diseases? Plural?” Roman was stunned. “But we use that Frontline stuff. I thought she couldn’t get tick diseases.”

“The thing about those things is, they prevent her from getting infested and they prevent the ticks from multiplying and jumping from dog to dog. But in order to die, a tick has to bite her. So the icky diseases still can, in theory, infect her. And she must’ve come across a particularly nasty one.”

“So then what does she have? Lyme Disease?”

“Actually, no,” Lily replied. “That’s the one thing she doesn’t have. She has Ehrlychia canus, anaplasmosis, and Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.”

Roman looked over at Honey Badger, who was sprawled out beside him on the kitchen floor. She looked a little tired and a little scraggly, but she was watching him with clear, bright eyes and her ears were perked up. It was as though she was listening to the conversation, though in reality, she was probably just making sure he didn't have any food.

“Is she going to be okay?” Roman whispered.

“She...is obviously feeling a whole lot better,” Lily said slowly. “She’s alert. She’s eating a little more. She’s drinking water well. So those are all positive signs. The blood transfusions helped. They’re going to keep giving her antibiotics and steroids and keep checking her blood. We don’t know, Ro. But so far she’s holding her own and these are all good signs.”

Roman made sure to spend as much time with Honey as he possibly could. They took a lot of short, slow walks over the next couple of days and they snuggled in his bed every night and it didn’t take long for him to come to a decision on a different issue that was plaguing him.

Against everyone’s better judgment, including probably his own, Roman decided to make the call to Lisa himself. 

His parents didn’t exactly try to dissuade him, but they did strongly recommend he let Tony do it.

“I’m a grown man,” he told them, maybe a little sharply. They both sighed and agreed, though he saw his father shake his head slightly and he didn’t miss his mother muttering under her breath.

He took shelter in Lily’s office and with slightly unsteady hands, dialed the number his father had written down.

It rang twice and then he heard a voice he would never in his life be able to forget.

“Hello?”

“Lisa?”

“Yeah?”

“This...is Roman.”

There was a long pause, so long that he began to wonder if they’d been disconnected but after several agonizing moments he heard,

“Damn. When did your voice change?”

The response took Roman by surprise, so much so that he actually let out a laugh. He could feel the tension begin to melt away from him; was it possible that this could end anything other than horribly? After a pause of his own, he finally responded.

“Um...when I was 14 or 15 I guess? I wasn’t really paying attention…”

And Lisa laughed too.

“Sorry. Sorry, of all the things I want to say to you...it just took me by surprise. In my head you’ll always be that big-for-his-age toddler that I screwed up so bad---”

“You didn’t,” Roman interrupted. “I’m not...screwed up. I’m fine. I’m great actually. I have a family that loves me. Parents, brothers, girlfriend I plan to marry. In fact, the second half of my life has been...maybe not perfect but pretty damn picturesque compared to the first half. I called to say I’ll meet with you. On my terms. I didn’t call so you can feel sorry for yourself for what you’ve done.”

“Fair. You’ll meet with me huh?” The voice coming through the phone sounded skeptical.

“I’ll meet with you,” he repeated. “My dad told me what you want. I’ll meet with you and you can say your piece. And I’ll decide later if I believe it or not.”

Roman wasn’t sure if that was too harsh. He didn’t want to torment or ostracize Lisa, but he did want her to know that she wasn’t getting off scott-free. 

“Yeah...okay,” her voice was soft now. “What are your terms?”

“First of all, you come to me, I don’t come to you. My parents said you’re welcome to come out to the house. They might even make you lunch.”

“Yeah. Yeah, fine,” Lisa retorted after a moment. “What else?”

“My mom and dad get to be there if they want to. Megan too.”

“Megan’s the girlfriend?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. I’m good with all of that. Anything else?”

“I don’t think I’m free for like three more weeks. You gonna live that long?”

He KNEW that comment was callous, and he didn’t even have a good excuse. He just couldn’t believe how easy this was, and he was trying to see how far Lisa could be pushed.

“I’m planning on it,” she responded without missing a beat. “Guess we’ll find out, huh?”

“Yeah, well, it’s hard to meet during the week. This is my brother's last weekend of play performances. Next weekend is prom and we’re babysitting my nephew. So it’ll have to be the Saturday after that. And I want you to tell me about my biological father.” 

“Aleki…” Lisa sighed.

“Aleki? That’s his name?”

“That’s his name. I haven’t seen him since he left us and that was...17 years ago, give or take? You were two. I thought he was the greatest thing in the world. Love is blind right? So I got pregnant with you and I was like 17, almost 18 and my parents were pretty crappy anyway, but they kicked me out. Didn’t really seem to have much choice but to marry Aleki but I was in love with him anyway.”

“So you really didn’t want me.”

The statement didn’t beat around the bush.

“I...don’t know how to answer that,” Lisa replied.

“Try the truth,” Roman tried to keep the poison out of his voice.

“I didn’t want kids. At least not then. And I thought about getting an abortion, but Aleki was really happy. He seemed so excited and I was in love with him and I was pregnant with his baby and I just...I was irresponsible, Roman. I don’t have a great excuse. And I was pretty stupid too. I was already drinking even then. Never had a drop from the moment I found out I was pregnant, but that made it that much harder. I just kept making one bad choice after another. I was scared to death.”

“But you kept me. Why? Why if it was so bad to be a parent?”

“Because Aleki, at first, he was so excited. We knew you were a boy about halfway through and he was all about having a son. It was cute and like I said, I loved him. I couldn’t just get rid of you. You were his baby too. Then you were born. You came out all huge and soft and you had all this thick black crazy mad hair, and your lips were perfect, and I looked at you and I loved you. Knew right away that I could never let anyone else have you.”

“What happened then?” Roman whispered. 

“You were...a serious baby,” Lisa began slowly. “You didn’t smile a lot. You didn’t cry much either and you were an awesome sleeper, but your little face was just always so...worried. Except for when your...when Aleki was around you. You still didn’t smile but you’d see him and your eyes lit up.”

“And you were jealous?” Roman demanded.

“No, I---well, yeah. Okay, yeah, I was, a little, but more like...I couldn’t make you happy. All the people at the hospital said breastfeed, you can bond with him. That didn’t work. God knows I tried. So we had to buy formula and THAT was so expensive and then Aleki came home one day and announced he didn’t want to work anymore. So here I was, still recovering from a delivery, with a husband who had no desire to contribute even though we had formula and diapers and all this shit we had to buy. I’m trying to piecemeal work together for me, and I’ve got a baby who clearly prefers his father, and I just…”

She trailed off and her voice sounded so sad, and Roman suddenly understood.

“You started drinking again,” he whispered.

“Yeah,” she murmured in response. “Yeah, I...I wasn’t nursing you. I just couldn’t cope with all of it. Couldn’t hold down a job. Went on welfare because I had no other way to feed you, and all the while Aleki started spending less and less time at home, and it was making you cranky. Found out later he was cheating. Then on your second birthday he came home with a cake. You loved it. Let you get all messy but how could I get upset, looking at you with your little frosting face and a huge grin that I just never saw enough of. He, Aleki, he was real attentive and he seemed like his old self, gave you a bath and put you to bed. And then he came out and said he didn’t want to be a husband or a father anymore, and he was leaving.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that. You cried for days. ‘Daddy, Daddy, Daddy’...nothing I did comforted you. I wasn’t who you wanted. So to cope I drank. I tried to give it up dozens of times and I’d always start off good with great intentions. We didn’t have a damn penny but we lived in subsidized housing and it actually wasn’t too bad. Food stamps covered it. WIC. We’d paint. Or I’d tell you stories. We’d make KoolAid and sit on the porch. But eventually...something would always happen. You’d get hurt or a bill would come that I couldn’t pay, or I’d see Aleki in your smile...and I’d start with just a beer, and I would always escalate.”

“So you’re blaming me,” Roman accused flatly.

“No. No, I’m not blaming you at all. I should’ve done better. I should’ve gotten help. None of it was your fault. Not even a little of it, Roman. You were a toddler and you acted the way toddlers act. I just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do and Aleki was gone. I was overwhelmed and tired and...oh, Roman. Here’s the God’s honest truth. I wish I could change it. I never regretted having you. I regret a lot of stuff that happened TO you. I miss you a bunch. I’ve been missing you for most of the last 16 years. But I couldn’t be more happy that you’ve got the family you have. Your parents love you so much. They’ve given you more than I could ever have hoped to. I wish you hadn’t had to go through all of that foster care. But...are you happy?”

“Yes,” Roman whispered. It didn’t even occur to him to lie. “I’m really happy. My life is awesome.”

“Good. That’s...all I ever wanted for you. I wouldn’t blame you if you could never forgive me and I’m not even going to ask you to. I just don’t want to die without telling you that there was never a time that I didn’t love you. I just didn’t...I was really lousy at making sure you knew.”

Roman’s head was swimming; this was a lot of information. Right at that moment his phone beeped. It was going dead. They had been talking for almost three hours.

`Listen...I’m really glad you talked to me,” Roman told Lisa. “My phone is about to die, so I’ve gotta go. I don’t...I’m gonna need some time to think about all of this.  
But...I don’t hate you. That’s what I need you to know for now. I don’t hate you, and I...I’ll tell you more when we get together.”

“That’s fair," Lisa sounded a little tired. “I feel like I should be thanking you for talking to me, but...yeah. Yeah, I’ll see you soon, huh? That sounds good.”

They disconnected and Roman laid on the couch in Lily's office for a long time after that with thoughts swirling. He didn’t know if he’d ever be able to forgive Lisa, but a lot of what she said made sense. He thought about Jessie and her inability to bond with Finn and how that ultimately led to her taking off. Being a young parent was hard work. Maybe, just maybe, Lisa’s intentions HAD been good. Maybe she’d just been overwhelmed. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to forgive her or not...but it felt good to have some of his questions answered.


	145. Straight Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been two years since I posted the very first chapter of this fic. 
> 
> We've got some to go yet but it's going to have to start winding down eventually. If anyone has anything else they'd like to see for me to consider adding somehow, now is the time! I've tried to honor every single request in some way, shape or form. I think your thoughts and ideas have only made the story better, and I'm just so honored for all of the support!
> 
> Due to reader feedback, I've added tags. It's primarily because of the content of this chapter, but really there are probably scenarios in previous chapters that I should've addressed a long time ago!

Over eight months old and Finn still wouldn’t crawl. 

He’d get up on his hands and knees and gleefully rock back and forth, squealing and growling. He would even pound his hands on the ground with all his might. But he wouldn’t trudge forward. Not even a little.

It worried Dean.

“He’ll crawl when he’s ready, sweetie, don’t worry,” his mother tried to placate him through a mouthful of bobby pins. Natalie and Audrey had come over for brunch that morning; that night was the last performance of Aladdin, and everyone was going, including Clarissa. She had a friend who was going to watch Lucy, and Dean had decided to try and take Finn to the play. It was probably overly ambitious, but music and Seth were two of Finn’s favorite things, and he kind of thought his son might be captivated. There would be plenty of other people there to pass Finn around if it went south, though, and if he got loud, well, Dean could just take him out to the lobby. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen the production before.

The truth was, he was pretty proud of Seth, sure, but he was also pretty pleased with himself. The sets were good. They were REALLY good, and Dean knew it. He’d taken pictures of them, keen to add them to his art portfolio, but the truth was, he was pretty psyched to show them off to his girlfriend.

Was that what Clarissa was?

It felt good to think it, but Dean didn’t know. How was he supposed to know? He tried to remember what it had been like with Jessie, but that had been getting close to two YEARS ago now and he tried to remember Jessie as little as possible anyway. He knew she’d always be there; they’d created a life together but as far as he was concerned, Finn was his. He wouldn’t want to erase Jessie from his past. But that didn’t mean he had to hold onto her either. 

At that moment his mother was fixing Audrey’s hair, something, Dean knew, that they’d both always loved years ago. And he knew she was probably right; Finn was hardly delayed. He was still in just the 25th percentile in all of his size groups, but at his 8 month appointment Dr. Elliott was thrilled with his progress, and she basically had said the same thing Lily was saying now.

“They’re all different, Dean,” she’d assured him. “And Finn’s in great shape but he was still a preemie. It’s perfectly acceptable for him to not crawl yet. Some babies never do crawl. They just skip directly to walking. He seems pretty…” 

The doctor trailed off as Finn grabbed her stethoscope and pressed it to his lips. She began to laugh.

“You’ve almost got it, smarty pants,” she told Finn as she handed him back to Dean. “Seriously. Try not to worry okay? I know it’s easier said than done but I promise I’d tell you if there was anything to be concerned about.”

Now here he sat, watching his son. It was true; he didn’t seem even the slightest bit behind. At that moment he was watching his Gigi like a hawk while she worked on Audrey’s locks with near precision. Every so often Lily would stick her tongue out at him and he would giggle, then stick his tongue out right back. It made everyone laugh.

Finn was always at his best and brightest when he had an audience to captivate. 

He took his stuffed turtle and waved it around and then let it go. It landed a few feet away from him. Finn reached for it and then looked at Dean and whined pitifully.

“Nope. I’m not gonna get that for you. You do it,” Dean told him. Finn screwed up his face.

“You’re a little shit,” Dean told his son.

“Dean!” Lily exclaimed, but she was smiling. “Language.”

“You’ve never cared about swearing,” Dean reminded her.

“That’s true, I haven’t, but do you really want his first word to be shit?”

Dean looked over at Finn, who was still whining but clearly not truly distressed.

“Nah. His first word won’t be shit. It’ll be Daddy for sure. Or ball. Or Pippi,” he replied, reaching out to stand Finn up. “Right, buddy?”

Finn held fast to Dean’s hands, rapidly bending his knees as if he was trying to jump. Dean picked him up and kissed his cheek.

“Love you, bud,” he murmured and his heart warmed when he felt his little guy rest his head on his shoulder. His mom and the twins all awed.

“His first word will be Daddy for sure,” Lily smiled, abandoning Audrey’s now finished hair to wrap her arms around them. 

Dean and Finn met Clarissa and Lucy in the park a little later on and Dean was stunned to learn that Lucy had started to walk.

“She took about five steps earlier,” Clarissa lamented. “She’s barely 10 months old.”

“Why is this bad?” Dean asked her. “Maybe now Finn will follow her.”

“First of all, he doesn’t follow her anyway,” Clarissa reminded him. “He sits and shrieks at her when she crawls away and she comes back. Second of all, because she’s already into EVERYTHING. She grabs stuff and chews on it and it drives my mother crazy. Now it’s gonna be worse.”

Dean sighed; he’d forgotten. Clarissa’s parents weren’t as open and understanding as his were, not even close.

“Look,” he tried to be comforting. “It’ll be fine. Can you...like...contain her somehow? Like make a room that’s just for her to explore that’s baby safe?”

“Doubt it,” Clarissa muttered. “I miss tiny baby Lucy.”

“I know,” Dean smiled at her. “I understand. Sometimes I miss when Finn was brand new. But he’s just so fun right now. He’s really interacting more and communicating and he thinks everything is hilarious. He’s got a ton of personality.”

Clarissa smiled sweetly at Dean, sour mood apparently lifting a little.

“He sure does. He’s just like you.”

“He is?”

“Dude. You smile and laugh all the time. You’re super inquisitive. You love to interact with people. You make people laugh.”

“So you’re saying I’m an 8-month-old,” Dean said, trying to sound annoyed but really nothing about Clarissa was annoying, not even a little. She giggled.

“No. No, you’ve definitely reached at least toddler status, but what I’m saying is, Finn isn’t afraid of people. He’s happy. He makes all of these great expressions and his laugh is infectious. He’s you. Just in a tiny baby body. And he’s not mobile yet. Believe me, you need to just enjoy THAT while it lasts.”

Dean considered this.

“Okay,” he reasoned. “I guess you’re right.”

“I know I’m right,” Clarissa teased. “He can’t stick his fingers in electric outlets if he can’t get to them.”

Dean sighed, content now. Without really thinking about it, he wrapped his arm around Clarissa. She froze for a moment before relaxing against him. They looked at each other.

“I really like you,” Dean told her quietly.

“Yeah...I really like you too,” Clarissa replied, every bit as quietly. He gazed into her eyes and found himself wondering what kissing her would be like, but then one of the babies shrieked and both of them turned to look.

It was nothing. Just normal baby babble, but Dean was loathe to let the moment pass. He leaned over and gave Clarissa a soft peck on the lips. As he drew back, she grabbed him by the chin.

“Oh, no,” she giggled. “You’re not getting off that easy.”

And she kissed him back. It felt good. It felt...normal. Like they’d always been doing it, and Dean gave her his best smile.

“You know, if Lucy hadn’t crawled up to us that day, we might never have started talking,” he reminded Clarissa. “So as hard as it is, just remember she brought us together. I think we should give her a reward. Like a cookie or something. For being awesome.”

“She’s nosy,” Clarissa grinned. “But yeah...she’s a keeper. It won’t always be this way. Hard, I mean. Someday I’m gonna make something of myself and Lucy and me, we’re gonna be out on our own and I won’t always have to rely on my parents.”

Dean agreed. And in his head, he wondered if, when Clarissa made something of herself, he and Finn would fit into that.

 

__________________________________________-

 

And just like that it ended. A few last lines, curtain calls, applause, flowers, and then Seth’s high school drama career was done.

He already missed it and if he had a regret in the world, it was that he hadn’t tried it sooner. But Seth knew better than to mourn this fact; things happened the way they happened and he’d never want to do anything that altered his high school history because if he did, what if he never met Vali?

After they’d met up with and hugged their parents, who had practically drowned both of them in hugs, congratulations, and affection, Seth motioned Vali over.

“Wanna go get some food or go for a drive or something? Or maybe take a walk?” Seth knew it would be awhile before he was able to sleep. His adrenaline was running practically off the charts.

Valentino nodded.

“Yeah, I’m with you; I’m all amped up. A walk sounds nice. At your place?”

Seth nodded.

“Yes, but let’s get food first; I’m starving.”

Vali just laughed.

They told their parents what they intended to do and each of their fathers gave them a knowing smile.

“Just be careful, yes?” Araceli nervously hugged Valentino. 

“I’ll be fine, Mami. I love you. We’re just going to walk around and talk,” Vali soothed.

With a happy sigh, both boys got into Valentino’s car. Seth relaxed, practically melting into the seat, and then he let out a laugh.

“That was incredible,” he murmured.

Vali grinned.

“YOU were incredible,” he agreed. “My Aladdin.”

It made Seth feel practically giddy, and yet…

“What if we never get to do this again? I mean perform on stage together? I mean since we’re going to different schools…” Seth chewed on his bottom lip, but Vali just smiled.

“There’s always the Community Center, babe,” he reminded Seth. “They do productions all the time. We can always find time for that.”

Seth nodded; it was true. And in truth, he figured he would love performing with the Center, as well as, maybe, working with the children’s theater that the center offered in the summer. 

They went to get dinner at a small diner near the Creek Ridge campus that served breakfast all day and was open all night, but they didn’t talk about anything of real substance. They were happy to just shoot the breeze for awhile before returning to the Girardi’s property.

It was a cool night, but not so cold that they couldn’t spend a little time outdoors, and when Vali noticed Seth shiver a little, he wrapped his arm around him and pulled him close. It was a little hard to walk that way but Seth didn’t mind. After almost 8 months together, Valentino’s touch had matured into something that Seth no longer merely accepted but longed for, expected, and cherished. It was a little bit like being held by his mother when he was younger; Vali’s embrace simply radiated safety. 

They were in love. They both knew it. And now with graduation less than two months away, they’d begun to slowly discuss what life would be like after high school.

They both wanted to live together, but neither could afford it.

But that was a problem for another time. Tonight Seth just wanted to enjoy his boyfriend’s company, and it wasn’t long before they wound up at the treehouse.

It was rapidly becoming Seth and Vali’s secret hideaway of sorts; they spent a lot of time up there snuggled up kissing, and recently, going a bit further. 

Valentino made it abundantly clear that absolutely nothing was going to happen until Seth was ready for it, which made Seth happy and a lot more willing to try things. They really hadn’t discussed the act of actually having sex yet, but Seth was getting more and more bold. Vali insisted upon safe practices, which Seth didn’t mind at all, though he was really beginning to hate the taste of latex.

They climbed up together and although the air was mild, Seth wasn’t cold at all as he found himself wrapped in Vali’s arms, soft lips pressing against his and gentle hands beginning to lazily roam over his body. By now, Seth knew that this would end the second he started to feel uncomfortable with it, so he made no move to stop it because the truth was, he loved it. He loved this. He loved being so close to Vali that he could feel his heart beating against his own chest. He loved the security he felt when he was in Vali’s arms, and even though it still made him just a tiny bit anxious, he loved feeling Vali become aroused. Seth did that to him. Seth made him feel that way. There was something about it that made his confidence soar. 

Tonight, there seemed to be an urgency in their kisses, and then Vali murmured into Seth’s ear,

“Can I undress you?”

Seth nodded and Vali slowly peeled off his shirt, then trailed kisses down his chest as he unbuttoned Seth’s jeans. Before long, Seth was naked, on display for the boy he loved, and he didn’t feel the slightest bit self-conscious, nor did he attempt to hide his growing arousal, nor did he even feel it necessary anymore. It wasn’t like Vali hadn’t seen him before.

Vali shifted over him so that he could look Seth over and he let out a content sigh.

“I swear I don’t know how you could be more gorgeous, baby,” he murmured, leaning in to press his lips back against Seth’s. His hands were softly caressing Seth now, down his ribs, over his hips, and without really thinking about it, Seth found his own hands drifting slowly to Vali’s own zipper and carefully undoing the clasp and pulling the zipper down. Vali moaned into Seth’s mouth.

“I love you,” Valentino’s voice was soft but sincere. Seth knew by now that it wasn’t lust-driven. They’d fooled around enough with absolutely no pressure from Vali to convince Seth to go any farther than he was ready for, and something about that knowledge made Seth feel empowered and in control. 

Never in his wildest dreams had Seth ever thought that sex, at least his first time willingly having sex, would just happen. Stuff like that didn’t just happen, and he had always figured that at some point in their relationship they would choose a day and then spend weeks preparing, and stressing (at least Seth would be stressing) because while he, in theory, had way too much experience with this, he also knew absolutely nothing about it.

About how it was meant to be, anyway.

But right then, as Vali continued to whisper his admiration into Seth’s ear, as he began to ever so tenderly rub his still-clothed groin, it hit Seth that there was just no reason for that. Because even if he did all that, it wouldn’t make him trust his boyfriend any more than he already did. 

And right then, Seth was ready to place all of his trust in Valentino.

It was time.

“Vali…” Seth murmured into his boyfriend’s mouth.

Valentino, focused, didn’t reply at first, so Seth tried again.

“Vali,” more urgently this time and then Vali groaned a little.

“Mmmm...yeah. Yeah, baby, s’okay. I’ve got you. We can stop…” he leaned down so their foreheads touched, but Seth immediately shook his head.

“No...don’t…” Seth whispered.

“Don’t...what? Don’t...stop?” Vali gazed deep into Seth’s eyes and Seth offered him a soft smile before he nodded.

“I don’t want to stop.”

“You don’t want...to stop?” Again, Vali questioned Seth, but Seth just gazed up at him.

“I’m ready, Mufasa...my Mufasa,” he murmured. Valentino leaned down and gave him the most tender kiss in the world before lifting himself up again and looking deep into Seth’s eyes.

“Are you absolutely sure, Seth? Baby?”

“I’m sure. I...I trust you. I want this,” Seth reached his hand up and buried his fingers into Vali’s hair. Valentino grinned down at him.

“I’ll take care of you. I promise,” he whispered.

“I know.”

Vali began to mouth his way down Seth’s body, soft kisses, tender nibbles, followed by kitten licks, and Seth felt like melting into a puddle. As his erection grew, he felt himself begin to tremble. This was really going to happen. He could feel his boyfriend reach for something, Seth assumed the tube of KY they’d stashed with the condoms that they used when they’d fooled around in the past. He tensed a little.

“Relax, baby,” he could hear Vali murmur, back up by his ear now, hot breath ghosting over him. “I’ve got you, Seth. We’re gonna take this so slow.”

And Seth did relax, because nervous as he was, it also still felt incredible, and he wanted to know what it COULD feel like, what it was SUPPOSED to feel like. What it would mean to give this over, not have it just taken from him, but to be in absolute control. 

It took Vali all of three seconds to shed his clothes and slide over Seth again and this time when their erections touched, Seth let out a moan. 

“Yeah,” Vali leaned into Seth’s ear. “I like that too.” 

He could feel it, then. Cold wetness between his cheeks. It startled him and he jumped a little, but his boyfriend was right there.

“It’s different, I know. We need it though. Just relax, babe. Are you scared?”

“No,” Seth sighed as he felt Vali press fingers into him. It was true; he felt no fear. He couldn’t place what he WAS feeling, but he knew this was right. Moments later he felt himself buck involuntarily as a surge of pleasure coursed through him.

“Mmmmmmm…”

“Here?”

“Yessssssss,” Seth groaned. He could feel himself stretching around Vali’s fingers and then he felt them brush against his sweet spot.

“Oh!”

Vali chuckled. 

“You’re the sexiest thing in the world right now,” he mumbled hoarsely and Seth bucked again; he could feel the pressure but it wasn’t enough to worry him. It felt too good for that.

“I wish you could see your face,” Vali continued. “So hot. Babe...that’s three fingers. Think you...are ready?”

Seth gazed up at Vali.

“Will it hurt?” Suddenly he wasn’t sure; it made no sense. Just seconds ago he’d been on the verge of begging.

“It might,” Valentino pressed his lips against Seth for a long moment, still stroking inside him. “We don’t have to do this yet. I promise I’m going to take care of you, though. I’m gonna give you everything you need.”

“No, no, I…” Seth broke off and sighed deeply. “I want you. Just...slow? Please?”

“So slow,” Vali bowed his head and pressed their foreheads together again. “Look in my eyes, baby. Pull your knees back a little...like that. No, babe, don’t close your eyes.”

And Seth could feel it then. A slow build of pressure. He didn’t remember Valentino being so big but at the moment it felt as though he was going to split in half.

“Ohhhhhhhhhhh,” he grunted as the tension inside him continued to mount and he could feel himself begin to fade a little. It didn’t exactly hurt but it wasn’t exactly comfortable either; the pressure. So much pressure. Why was there so much pressure? 

Then he heard Valentino’s voice and he came back to reality a little.

“Stay with me, Ali, I’m in. I’m in you, babe. Keep those beautiful brown eyes on me, Seth, okay?”

Seth gurgled a response, sort of. He couldn’t make words form. In the recesses of his mind he knew he could just say something, anything really, and Vali would pull away, just end it all and hold him for as long as he needed but the truth was, he didn’t want to stop.

“I love you, Valentino,” he managed to choke out. Vali hadn’t moved an inch, allowing Seth time to get used to this new feeling, but he smiled.

“I love you too, Seth Girardi. I couldn’t love you any more. Breathe, babe. Just relax and breathe and let me give you this. I want to take care of you.”

Seth gradually reached his arms up around Vali’s shoulders. 

“I’m ready,” he whispered. And he was. And with slow movements and sweet words and soft hands, Valentino gently accepted everything Seth was willing to give, until with a soft wail of Valentino’s name, an orgasm swept over him and much like his acting career, his first time ever to have sex on purpose was over.

Afterwards, Vali held him tight for a long time, hours maybe, until he stopped trembling and pressed his face against his boyfriend’s side. Neither of them spoke. There were no words to properly express it, but Seth snuggled close, content with the silence.


	146. Now What?

He woke up shivering, cold and not sure where he was.

Seth let out a whimper as his eyes popped open and he frantically reached out and grasped for...anything he could find. The second he moved, a semi-sharp pain shot up through him; it gave him pause. What?

“Shhhhh...I’m right here,” Vali’s voice came from somewhere in the dark and then it all flooded back. 

He slowly blinked to awareness and he realized he and Valentino were in the treehouse on a blanket and Vali’s arm was draped gently across him, but he must’ve loosened his grip once they’d fallen asleep. He was just an inch or so away but they were naked---well yeah, duh, they’d just---of course they were naked, but the temperature must’ve dropped at least 10 degrees, and---

“Hey,” Vali’s arms pulled Seth in tight and from somewhere another blanket was produced. “I can hear you freaking in your head. It’s okay, baby. You good?”

“Y-yeah, I just...sorry, I woke up and...yeah, I’m good,” Seth mumbled, although in his head he was silently asking, am I good?

He felt his boyfriend gently smooth a lock of hair away from his face.

“Yeah? That was a huge deal, last night…”

Seth burrowed his face into Vali’s neck. WHY was he trying to talk to him right now? He just needed some time to process, to warm up, to...panic.

They’d had sex.

On purpose.

Wasn’t he supposed to feel fantastic after this? All warm and fuzzy and ready to just jump his boyfriend and do it all over again?

Wasn’t he supposed to be happy?

He didn’t think he regretted it. At the time it had felt so incredible. And there was no one in the world he would have rather had the experience with than Valentino Dawson. It had been great. So then...why?

Seth fought back tears for a moment; this was dumb and he was being foolish. Here he’d found this amazing guy. One he was inevitably going to want to sleep with, one who knew his history and didn’t judge or shun or patronize. Vali had done everything RIGHT. And here Seth was, all ungrateful. 

Valentino’s gaze pierced him. Even with his face buried he knew his partner was looking at him, half expectant, half concerned, probably with puppy eyes and waiting patiently for him to answer. He didn’t know what to say but he knew he needed to say something, but…

No words came out. Seth could feel himself shivering and Vali softly rubbing his back. Then he felt his boyfriend sigh softly.

“It’s okay, babe. It’s okay to be overwhelmed. I’m gonna get you home, huh?”

It was the last thing Seth wanted, to be separated from Vali right then, but he found himself simply nodding his head. He didn’t miss, though, the sad look in his love’s brown eyes as he helped Seth get dressed and climb out of the tree.

 

_____________________________________-

 

Lily wasn’t horribly concerned when she heard Seth come in at just about 4 am. She’d developed kind of a Mom Sleeping Habit over the years; she could wake up from a dead sleep at even the slightest moan or cough. So of course when she heard the back door close quietly, she was instantly awake. The dogs barking was another clue. 

She heard her baby slip quietly down the hall, past her open bedroom door and into the bathroom. Water ran, the toilet flushed, and then she heard Seth’s own bedroom door open. She started to roll over and sneak out of bed, keen to check on him but then she felt arms slip around her waist. 

“Baaaaaaaaabe,” Tony mumbled sleepily. “Let him be.”

“It’s so late. I just want to know if he’s okay,” she whispered, running her fingers through her husband’s hair.

“It IS late,” Tony whispered back. “He’s had a huge night. Let him go to bed, babe, huh? Talk to him in the morning. I’m sure he’s fine.”

With a sigh, she sank back to the bed. 

“Yeah. Yeah, okay,” she turned to face her husband. “He’s gonna be 18...in like 6 weeks.”

“I know. It’s nuts. It’s also...it’s 4:15, babe. We’ll talk about this but just go back to sleep.”

Lily smiled in spite of herself. He was right. Everything was fine. It didn’t take her long to drift off.

Her alarm went off at 8, and Lily forced herself awake. She could hear the distant sounds of the TV quietly murmuring and if she didn’t know better she could swear that somewhere in the house, Finn let out a giggle. The aroma of coffee wafted in and Lily was just beginning to pick up on hints of bacon cooking when she heard something else.

It was soft, but unmistakable: the kind of desperate cough that, without fail, precedes vomit.

With mom-like speed Lily leaped out of bed and flew down the hall. Tony and Dean and Finn were up already; that only left two. 

A quick peek at Roman confirmed that he was sound asleep and snoring like a bear, so Lily darted across the hall and into Seth’s room.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

He didn’t even seem aware that he’d thrown up; Seth was curled up in a tiny ball on his side, mumbling a little but eyes shut tight. A trail of puke pooled under him and ran down the side of the bed just a little. Lily sat down beside him and brushed her fingers down his spine, batting Spider away from the mess. It actually didn’t LOOK all that disgusting. But still. Puke was puke.

“You sick, bub?” With a sigh she gently tried to turn him, guide him out of the mess, but he cringed and she pulled away slightly.

“Hey...it’s okay, Seth. Seth William? You in there?”

A hand to his forehead was no help at all; he didn’t SEEM feverish, but then, sometimes it was possible to have a stomach bug and no fever. Seth groaned.

“I know. It’s okay,” Lily repeated. Seth’s eyes flew wide open then, awake now, and he shied away from the mucousy puddle of ick. 

“I...got sick,” he sputtered.

“Yes, I see that. C’mon, get up, bub.”

His hair had been up in a bun so luckily it had been spared. Lily sent him to the bathroom to wash his face and rinse his mouth while she stripped the bed and went looking for carpet cleaner.

When she returned, Seth was back on his bed, curled up tight again with his blanket over him. Lily crouched so she could look into his eyes.

“Does your stomach hurt?”

Seth shook his head faintly.

“Do you feel stuffy?” Lily was wracking her brain trying to figure out what could have made Seth vomit. He shook his head again.

“Why don’t you get up and take a shower? And I’ll fix you something to sip on?”

“Mm’tired,” Seth mumbled. 

“I know, baby. But still, you go shower and let me make your bed and then you can sleep.”

“Cold,” was all Seth said in response. It worried her. But she decided to just leave him be for now. 

“Okay,” Lily soothed softly. “Close your eyes, bub. I’m going to get you some water.”

He was asleep when she came back. 

She knew that she should leave him be. She should let him rest, recover. Obviously Seth was sick, and sleep was the best thing for him. Instead, she sat cross-legged on the floor, mindful of the damp, freshly scrubbed carpet, and leaned in and stroked her baby’s hair. Maybe getting close to him wasn’t the smartest thing; he definitely wasn’t giving off “hug me” vibes and she certainly didn’t need a stomach bug of her very own. But she did it anyway, because in her heart, she realized that Seth wasn’t sick. Not really. Something else was happening here.

 

______________________________________-

 

Seth could hear his phone go off throughout the day and without even looking at it he knew it was Valentino. But he couldn’t bring himself to even look, nevermind respond. He honestly had no idea why he felt this way. He didn’t regret any of it, but he just had thought...had hoped...that doing this would erase the stuff that had happened in the past, or at least cover it up. He’d hoped it would connect him with Vali on an even higher level. 

Well, he supposed it HAD done that; during and immediately after sex Seth had never felt more cherished. And nothing had changed overnight. So WHAT IN THE HELL WAS HIS PROBLEM?

Was he just ungrateful? Had his expectations been too high? Had he really thought that having sex would change him, fix him? What an idiot. It was clear to Seth now that no matter how many times he did this with his beloved boyfriend, the past was always going to be there. He was always going to be Seth Who’d Been Raped Repeatedly. He was ALWAYS going to be Seth Who Could Never Be Normal.

That’s when he buried his face into his pillow and cried. 

To their credit, though Seth’s family checked on him periodically, none of them tried to make him talk. He knew that they all assumed he had the flu, even though he never vomited again, and that was fine with him. He didn’t necessarily want to hide what he and Vali had done from them; he wasn’t ashamed of the act itself. He just didn’t know how he could possibly explain it to them, how he was feeling now. 

So he let his mother take his temperature and rub his back and slip a straw between his lips. He let his dad, at about 8:00, help him to the tub where a hot bath was waiting already. He let Roman set up shop on the chair in his room and read The Merchant of Venice aloud. 

Around bedtime he realized that his phone had been silent for a couple of hours now. Good. Hopefully Vali had given up. Seth wasn’t ready to talk to him. He knew somewhere deep down that he needed to, and that he would eventually have to, but he didn’t know what to say or how to make his boyfriend understand. In fact, Seth was fairly sure Valentino would NEVER understand. How could he?

At 4 am, Seth woke up sobbing hysterically. 

It had been a nightmare the likes of which he hadn’t had since he was 12 years old and sleep guaranteed flashbacks to when he’d been nothing more than a human sex toy. He didn’t WANT to remember that. He’d spent so long working towards putting that behind him and if he’d known that it would all get dredged back up NOW…he began to dry heave. Nothing really came out, since he hadn’t really eaten anything. 

Seth felt his parents’ near him as he cried and cried, felt his mother pull him tight, felt his father rub his back and then Lily’s fingers found his hair. Neither spoke except for the occasional “shhhh” and “we’re here, bub” and still he sobbed and gagged and then he realized that in just a few short hours he was going to have to go and face Vali and that made him retch even harder.

A trash can was placed under his face and still, nothing came up. But Seth still struggled and between bouts of heaving he managed to choke out,

“Please, I can’t, I can’t go to school…”

He felt his mother shift a little and felt a cool cloth come to rest on his face and somewhere in the dark he heard his dad’s voice.

“You’re sick, buddy. You’re definitely not going to school. Dean will get your homework, it’s fine. Don’t worry about that.”

He wasn’t worried about that. But at least if that’s what they thought, he wouldn’t have to explain. 

Eventually, as it always did, his mother softly stroking his hair lulled him and he felt himself begin to go limp against her. Lily didn’t let him go, and Seth listened to his parents talk.

“Can you take the baby to the office today?” Lily asked Tony. “I don’t...I’m not sure this is a stomach bug, but he’s obviously sick. I don’t want Finn to catch it.”

“I can take him this morning, but I’ve got a meeting this afternoon. Think Roman and Megan would watch him after class?”

“Ask. Just til Dean gets home. Then I can look after bub.”

“Do you think he needs a doctor?”

“I don’t know. He didn’t really throw anything up...I’m going to try and get him to drink lots of fluids and…”

Somewhere during the conversation, Seth went back to sleep.

When he woke again the house was quiet. His bedside clock said 10:14 and he was thirsty. So thirsty. Why was he home again?

Oh...right. Seth cringed back into the bed and tried to just close his eyes and block the world out. Then he felt a soft hand on his cheek.

Mom.

“Drink this, bub,” Lily’s voice was tender, concerned. Would she still feel that way if she knew? Seth didn’t think she’d care, but then he hadn’t considered his own reaction so maybe she’d be completely grossed out. The taste of cool water met his tongue, and he drank as much as he could stomach. 

“Good boy,” his mom continued to soothe. “Gotta get some fluids into you. Do you feel any better, baby? How’s your stomach?”

He wasn’t sure. Physically, maybe. He still felt sore when he moved, and his arms and legs ached, but he supposed that was from spending over a day curled up in bed. Speaking of that…

“I need...the bathroom,” he whispered. 

“Bet you do,” came Mom’s murmured response. “Do you think you can do a shower, bub? Wash your hair and clean up? It’s just me and you today, baby. We can hang out all day. Or you can sleep some more if you need to. But it might feel good to get up and stretch…”

She was right, and he was a little wobbly but he managed to stand and get himself to the bathroom unattended. The hot spray felt wonderful and he set it on high pressure, trying to beat the tension out of his muscles. All he'd really done in the tub the night before was soak; it felt good to really scrub. 

By the time he got out of the shower, clean pajama pants and a worn t-shirt were waiting for him next to the sink, along with another glass of water. He drank it down gratefully.

Even better, when he returned to his room, his mother was just finishing putting clean, fresh sheets on his bed. 

“Hey there,” she said with a soft smile when she caught sight of him. “You look ten times better, bub. Are you hungry at all? Even a little?”

Seth had to admit that he was, a little. 

“Can I have some toast?”

“You can have anything you want,” Lily smiled at him fondly. “Why don’t you come lay on the couch?”

Seth agreed. He was beginning to find that the shower had done him wonders; he could think now. Eventually he would have to talk to Vali. Eventually he would have to explain. This probably meant that they would never be able to have a normal sex life. Could he really ask his boyfriend to give him that?

Lily brought him toast and Gatorade and he nibbled at the bread despite his stomach wildly protesting. He didn’t manage to eat much. His mom assured him that it was fine. 

“Just do what you can. Lots of liquids are more important anyway. Bub...please, will you talk to me?”

Oh, Seth didn’t like the sound of this, not at all. His eyes met Lily’s and it hit him like a ton of bricks----she knew. 

He had no idea how she knew. But she knew. He felt tears prickle his eyes.

Lily settled beside him on the couch and took his hand.

“Seth...Valentino called me,” Lily told him calmly. Seth’s heart practically stopped. What? Why? Seth immediately began to try and sit up but he was weak, so weak, and his mother had an arm around him. 

“Sorry...I’m sorry…” he choked out, trying desperately to pull away from her.

“Seth. Seth William, listen to me. I don’t care---I don’t care that you had sex. Did you use protection?”

“Y-yes,” he stuttered. 

“Then I don’t care that you had sex. Don’t run away from me, baby. I’m here. I’m here and I love you and I want to help you sort some of this out. Vali called to see if you were okay. He said you weren’t returning his calls and he was afraid that he hurt you.”

With nowhere else to go, Seth did the only thing he really COULD do---he sank into his mother’s embrace and buried his face into her neck.

“Shhhh...it’s okay,” Lily soothed. “It’s okay, Seth. I just want you to talk to me, bub. Everything’s okay. ARE you hurt? Do you need a doctor?”

Seth shook his head against her shoulder. 

“I’m just...a little sore,” he whispered. God, how embarrassing was THIS conversation? But on the other hand...maybe...maybe. Maybe talking about it...maybe his mom could help him sort some of this out.

“Tell me how you’re feeling,” Lily cajoled gently. “I know...this probably isn’t the easiest conversation to have with your mother. And if you want to wait for Dad I’ll understand, I just...you’re so sad. Bub…”

Seth wiped his eyes.

“No. No, it’s okay,” Seth let out a shaky, sniffly laugh. “It, um...I’m not ashamed. Of you or of Vali or of doing it. It...I WANTED to, Mom. I very badly wanted to.”

“Okay...that’s a good thing, I think,” Lily said slowly. Her voice was a little strange, but it wasn’t a bad strange. She didn’t sound angry or upset. She did, however, sound like she might cry herself.

He should’ve felt relieved that she wasn’t pissed off, but the way she sounded...somehow it just made Seth feel worse. 

“Why are...you sound sad?” He knew his voice was tiny.

“That’s because YOU are so sad. At first I thought you were sick but when Valentino called me...and said you’ve been avoiding him and he was so scared, bub...oh, Seth. Baby, I don’t know what questions are even right to ask you right now. Can you tell me what’s going on? Do you...I know you said you’re not ashamed and you shouldn’t be, but now that it’s done do you wish you could take it back?”

Seth thought hard. No, he didn’t. That much he was sure of. He told Lily so.

“I don’t understand. I woke up and it just suddenly was all wrong. And it’s because...it didn’t change me. I hadn’t really THOUGHT about it; I guess I just assumed that doing it the right way would like...make it like none of the rest of it had happened. But it just made me remember and I don’t like that part.”

“Well no...I imagine that part is hard. But probably to be expected, don’t you think?”

Seth sighed.

“I thought it would fix me…”

“Oh, baby,” a tear trickled down Lily’s cheek and Seth nuzzled close to her. “You’re NOT broken…”

He took his mom’s hand and squeezed. She squeezed back.

“Seth William, I don’t know how to explain this so it makes sense. Your needs are just different, sure but really aren’t everyone’s? And I think...I think that sex can be intimidating under the best of circumstances. And it’s like anything else; it’s...it takes practice? I know that sounds weird, right? But it’s the truth. I mean it’s like acting or sports or even...like Finn trying to crawl. None of us are born knowing what’s right for us or how to do it or anything like that.”

“So...you’re not disappointed?” Seth began tracing the outline of his mama’s fingers.

“In you? Oh, child, whatever.”

“Are you sure? Because...I don’t have regular sex. I’m gay. I’m...like I knew I was gay but then we did this and it was like, okay, wow, yeah, I really am. Gay.” Seth laughed wryly.

“I mean, bub, you KNOW that Daddy and I don’t care if you’re gay or straight or what.”

“I DO know. But still. Does it freak you out?”

“Yes. Thinking about you having sex does freak me out. But it’s not because you’re gay. It’s because you’re my baby. And no matter how old you get, you’re always gonna BE my baby. Does it freak you out to know that Dad and I have sex?”

He wrinkled his nose.

“No...yes. Like I never thought about it.”

“Well, that’s what we do when we know you boys are having sex. We make sure we’re available to help you if you need it and then in the meantime, we try not to think about it. Roman does it. Dean...I mean come on. We have genetic proof that Dean’s done it at least once.”

They both laughed.

“Pretty sure it was more than once,” Seth said and then it was Lily’s turn to wrinkle her nose. “How do you know that Roman does it?”

“Do you really think Roman doesn’t talk to me about stuff like this too?”

He considered this. He knew Roman and Megan were sexually active. It was hard to imagine Roman and Mom having this talk, but then again it also wasn’t. They had a close relationship. Not that she didn’t have a good relationship with Dean of course, but Seth could definitely see THAT talk more likely to happen with their dad.

But Lily always had her way and as he often did, Seth felt better as their conversation went on. He leaned against her.

“I’m not ever going to be normal, am I.”

He was only mildly annoyed when his mother laughed.

“Of course not,” she said, kissing his forehead. “But seriously, Seth, between you and your brothers I don’t even know what normal IS anymore.” 

Seth grinned.

“Fair enough,” he said.

He knew he needed to get himself up, call Valentino, and explain. But somehow he also knew that everything was going to work. Normal or not.


	147. For Better or Worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I'm not going to add tags for this one, but I will say, don't read it in public. If you are prone to emotion, bring a box of tissues. Or a bucket. Or something.

For once, Roman thought that life was maybe going to settle down. He had only two weeks of classes left before his freshman year of college would be in the books. It had been full of ups and downs and he knew his football career was still in jeopardy, but academically he couldn’t have asked for better, with a 4.0 his first semester and a 3.9 the second. He couldn’t bash himself for that. 

He’d even enrolled in the fall semester with a potential degree field in mind: he wanted to be a physical therapist. This was largely in part due to his good rapport with his own physical therapists, Tinna Osland and Erin Jordan. 

Tinna, or “Oz”, as she preferred to be called, was short, round, middle-aged, and nothing about her screamed strong, tough, or even particularly demanding. She looked a little like Roman’s grandmother. But damn, was she stubborn. She wasn’t even a little intimidated by him even though he was a good 16 inches taller than she was and probably weighed twice as much. She got in his face more than once and it infuriated him, but in the best possible way. 

Erin was a bit younger and a bit taller. She was a single mom of 4 kids, and she told Roman more than once that giving up wasn’t an option. Once, he’d fallen to the ground in a fit of frustration and pain, and she’d given him about 30 seconds, then literally hauled him to his feet.

“Nope. Sorry, kid. I know this sucks ass but you’re gonna do it. You’re 18 years old and you’ve got a long life ahead of you so we’re doing this. Me and you. Come on.”

The thing was, it worked.

A little over a month after surgery and Roman was definitely feeling improvement. His range of motion was improving daily, his coordination was returning and best of all, there had been no numbness, tingling, or anything else that would indicate permanent nerve damage. So he had to admit, he admired these women and he realized pretty quickly that he wanted to be able to do the same for other people. 

Roman knew that he wanted to work with people recovering from sports injuries too. And he was pretty sure he wanted to work with pre-teens and teenagers, but that wasn’t a decision that needed to be made right then

Dean was happy and exploring a new relationship. Seth had come clean to his brothers the night before about sleeping with Valentino and how he felt about it, but Roman had done his best to be objective, mostly because he KNEW that Seth hated it when they treated him like a baby. That wasn’t easy but he really did like Valentino and so he felt confident that sooner or later his baby brother would be just fine.

And he was getting ready to propose to Megan.

Properly, anyway; they’d discussed his ridiculous drunken anesthesia-induced proposal and both agreed that it counted but neither was opposed to a do-over.

“I know you love me and I know we’re going to get married eventually, and I’m not upset about it,” Megan had told him. “But if you want to plan something and you know...find a ring, I won’t say no the next time you ask.”

They’d both giggled and then he kissed her, because that seemed like the right thing to do.

It came up occasionally. Roman just wanted to do something special for her, because she was wonderful. And she deserved it. He really hadn’t talked to his parents any more about getting help with a ring, but he was still putting money back here and there and he had a birthday coming up. 

He’d debated a few ideas but nothing really stuck. So for now, he mainly just focused on spending as much time as he could with her.

In fact, at that moment, they were sitting at Pei Wei eating honey chicken and lo mein and laughing because this weekend they were going to watch Finn and Lucy together, and didn’t that just make them seem like an old married couple?

“See, we’ll get to see what it’s like!” Megan exclaimed, dipping a spring roll in peanut sauce. “Two babies? One for each of us! I hope Lucy is as easygoing as Finn.”

“You think Finn’s easygoing?” Roman questioned, eyeing his own spring roll and laughing when Meg stuck out her chopsticks and snatched it. 

“You don’t?”

“He’s a ham and a half, that’s for sure. But he can be demanding.”

“I think that’s just a baby thing. You know? I mean, what else can he be but demanding when he can’t talk or tell us what he wants?” Megan mused. 

“Will you at least share that spring roll?” Roman asked and Megan shook her head, but then she tore it in half and popped it into his mouth.

While he was chewing his phone rang and “Mama” popped up on the screen. No biggie. He’d call her back after lunch. 

“I’m pretty sure that Lucy is pretty happy,” Roman said after he swallowed. “Dean says so. But she can walk now. So I don’t think she’s gonna be cranky or anything but I don’t think it’s gonna be an easy night, either.”

“What do you think of Clarissa?” Megan had met her just once. 

“I like her. But I think I’m guarded. I liked Jessie a LOT. A lot, a lot. I really thought they’d be together forever. I think I’m starting to understand it a little, especially after I talked to Lisa. But I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive her for hurting Dean. I just...I do think that right or wrong, she thought she was doing what was best.”

“I know it was awful for Dean, but she left him with something amazing,” Megan replied. “I think it’s kind of cool that he’s met a girl his age who also has a child, though. I think they get each other. I’ve noticed he seems...different? But good different. Not that he seemed unhappy before now but now he just seems...I don’t know, it’s weird."

Roman’s phone buzzed again and he glanced at it; it was, again, his mother. 

“Do you need to answer that?” Megan asked. But before he could, it stopped. 

“I’ll call her back when we leave,” he murmured. “So is Katie going to prom?”

“Yeah, a senior asked her. I think she may finally be over Seth,” Megan snorted. “Good thing, right?”

“Damn right,” Roman felt his eyes narrow. “And I’m gonna...I like Valentino, I think he’s a good guy. But he better be damn careful---”

At this point, the insistent buzzing of his phone interrupted them once again, only now it was a text---and it was his father.

_We need you to call us, buddy._

A shiver of...something...crept down Roman’s spine. His dad was supposed to be at work. He was doing more and more consulting and spending less and less time at the office, especially since Lily had retired, but still...on a Tuesday afternoon, it was weird to hear from his dad.

“Call them. C’mon, we’re about done anyway,” Megan urged, patting his arm, sensing his sudden anxiety.

Lily’s phone barely rang once before she picked it up.

“Ro? Where are you?”

“Meg and I just finished lunch. We stopped at Pei Wei after class---”

“Baby, I think you need to come on home. Honey Badger isn’t doing too well.”

Roman froze.

“What do you mean? I saw her this morning; she was fine,” Roman couldn’t help the note of panic in his voice. Megan looked up, concerned.

“Ro, please, just come on home,” Lily said softly. 

“I am, we fucking are, but what the hell is going on, Mom?”

“I love you, Roman. I’ll see you soon.”

And then the line went dead. 

Megan sped towards the Girardi house. 

When they got there, Roman thundered into the kitchen and the first person he came across was his dad. Tony was holding Finn, who was fussing, and the look on his face said it all. Roman knew right away that Honey was gone.

He shook his head but couldn’t speak as Tony handed Finn off to Megan and then engulfed Roman into a bear hug. Roman let out a shuddering breath; he didn’t even know he’d been crying but suddenly he felt like he was in a tunnel. He could see his dad and his girlfriend but their expressions didn’t...make...sense.

“Come on,” Tony said quietly, wrapping an arm around his son’s shoulder.

In his parents’ bedroom, his mother sat on the floor, cradling Honey Badger’s head in her lap. She was petting the dog, but Honey wasn’t moving. Not even a muscle. Roman cried harder. This was really real. Honey was really dead.

Lily looked up.

“Come here, Roman,” she choked; she’d clearly been crying too. 

At first, he shook his head sharply; he didn’t know WHAT he was supposed to do but standing there made as much sense as anything. But then, his dad nudged him forward. 

He fell to his knees beside his mother, who wrapped an arm around him and drew him in close. Neither spoke a word; they just cried together and held each other. Roman reached a hand out to stroke Honey.

“What happened?” When he was finally able to speak, his voice sounded strange to his own ears.

“I don’t know,” Lily’s own voice sounded weird too, a little too high-pitched, like she was trying to pinch off sobs and only barely succeeding. 

“She ate. She went outside. She was moving a little slow but I mean...these days that’s not really abnormal. She was following me around. Up and down. But then...she came in here and lay down and she wasn’t breathing right. It’s called agonal breathing and it typically means that...that she’s dying. Oh, Ro. Baby, I don’t think she suffered.”

“But we did so much,” Roman sobbed openly. “We did so much and she was getting better. She was supposed to be okay. She was supposed to...but she...and I wasn’t...I wasn’t here for her.”

And Roman broke down completely then. His tears fell on Honey’s fur. 

Had he let her down?

He sort of collapsed over her, half over his dog and half on his mom. 

“I know,” Lily murmured, rubbing his neck. “I’m gonna miss her so much too, Roman. I know how much you love her.”  
Roman reached out and stroked his dog’s back. She was already starting to get stiff, and that made everything seem that much worse. Before he even knew what was happening, Megan was next to him with a hand on his back, resting her face against his shoulder.

“Shhh...babe. It’s okay,” she murmured. 

“Is this my fault?” Roman hiccuped. “I shouldn’t have let her get so sick; we shouldn’t have waited, maybe we could’ve---”

“Oh, Roman. Oh, no. Honey was old and sick. She...we did everything we could for her, baby, but she just...I mean...Ro...it is not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. She’s at the Rainbow Bridge now. And she’s running around with no pain and she’s feeling good. And you’ll see her again someday…”

“You mean in Heaven?” It seemed so ridiculous to him. It was all too raw and painful and he just couldn’t make it work in his head.

“Do you know the story about the Rainbow Bridge, Ro?”

He shook his head, still crying hard.

Lily repositioned herself so she could hug both him and Megan. 

“Because pets don’t live as long as people, so the story goes that when they die they go to the Rainbow Bridge, which is the last stop before Heaven. And up there, they’re healthy and safe. They have food and treats and toys. Nothing hurts them or makes them sick. And that’s where they wait for us. And someday we’ll be reunited with her in the afterlife. She’ll wait there for us. I know she’s very special to you, kiddo. I KNOW this hurts. I just...I’m sorry, baby boy. I’m so sorry I can’t make it easier.”

He let himself sag all the way down to the ground and wrap his arms around his dog. He wasn’t sure if he was being stupid, feeling so awful over a dog, but Roman just couldn’t stop crying. Neither his parents nor his girlfriend made any move to try and talk him out of it though.

Probably an hour passed, maybe a little more, when Seth came home, followed by Dean, and eventually, Tony knelt down in front of Roman.

“Son, I need to take her now, okay?”

“No...no, where? Where are you going to take her?”

“Mom and I want to have her cremated, buddy. Seth and I are going to take her...there’s a place that does that. Are you ready?”

The last thing Roman wanted to do was let his Honey go, but it didn’t really seem like he was going to get a choice and realistically, he knew that she wasn’t going to come back, no matter how tightly he held her and willed her to return. 

“I love you,” he told her desperately, before finally resting her on the ground. He let Dean help him to his feet and to his parents’ bed and then he watched, shaking, as Dad and Seth wrapped Honey Badger in a sheet and lifted her up. As they carried her out, it hit him even harder. She was really dead. He was never going to see her again. 

Sandwiched between his mom and his girlfriend, Roman buried his face into his hands. He wasn’t sure his heart had ever hurt more than it did just then. Why did it seem lately as though so many things were going wrong in his life? Was it realistic to think that he could get past this? Would he ever stop losing things? And...what could possibly be next?

 

_________________________________

 

The rest of the night was rough.

Megan approached Lily. Roman was taking a shower and was still rather miserable. 

“Is it okay if I stay tonight?” Megan asked quietly. 

Lily looked at Megan and offered a sad smile.

“Of course it is. I think that’d be good for him. I’ll see if I’ve got some pajamas that might fit.”

Relief and gratitude washed over her.

Tony and Seth returned with several pizzas from a local place called Upper Crust that was known for their chicken fajita pizza. The whole family sat around the table together but the mood was somber and none of them really spoke much. Roman’s nose was stuffy and his eyes were swollen, and he pretty much just picked at his food. 

By 8 he was ready to go lay in bed.

Megan was really at a loss here. She knew she wanted to comfort her man, but she’d never had pets so she couldn’t claim to understand how he was feeling. One thing she DID understand was that for Roman to have such a raw, guttural reaction to all of this, he must be really hurting. His attachment to Honey Badger had never been in question; it just seemed like there was no way to make him feel better. She had no earthly idea what to do now.

Now she sat beside him on his bed and quietly rubbed one of his pecs. 

“You can leave,” he told her dully. 

“Is that what you want?” 

Roman didn’t even look at her. 

“No.”

“Okay, then,” she murmured, kissing his cheek. “Your parents said I can stay. So I'm staying. I’m going to go get you some water okay? Be right back?”

He just nodded.

Megan went to the kitchen, where she found exactly who she was looking for. Lily sat at the kitchen table with a cup of tea, and Tony was standing at the sink rinsing dishes. She cleared her throat, and they both looked up. Both just looked so sad. Megan offered a small smile.

“I love you guys. And I love him so much and I’m so sorry everyone is hurting right now. I wish...I wish there was something I could do. IS there anything I can do?” 

Lily patted her hand.

“You can keep on doing exactly what you’re doing. This is hard. I know there’ll be people out there who say she was just a dog. But those are the people who just don’t understand. We had her before we had any of our boys. She was a huge comfort to us when we lost the twins and then Roman...oh, Roman. She helped teach him to trust. You know, she couldn’t judge him. She couldn’t hurt him. All she did was love him unconditionally and he never had to question it. So yeah, it...she’s not just a dog. It’s truly like losing a member of the family. And since Roman’s gotten here...I don’t know. We’ve lost pets but he’s never been attached to any of them the way he is to Honey.”

Megan felt tears well in her eyes and Tony came around and hugged her.

“Just go be with him,” he murmured, and she nodded.

She took a glass of water and set it on Roman’s nightstand, then sat down beside him. 

“You’re still here,” he sighed, his voice still lifeless.

“You said you wanted me to stay,” she reminded him, and finally, finally, he turned and looked her straight in the eye.

“I want a lot of things,” he answered quietly.

She felt a pang.

“Sit up.”

She was all set to sort of tough-love him, because yes. Yes, he was allowed to hurt. There was no shame in his feelings, but he needed to understand that she was there because she loved him and she wasn’t going to let him give up. But then Roman hoisted himself into a sitting position with a soft groan. It reminded Megan that his arm was still injured, reminded her that he was hurting all over, both physically AND emotionally, and maybe tough-love wasn’t what he needed just then.

Instead she wrapped her arm around him and drew him close to her and kissed his forehead.

“What can I do? How can I help?” It was the same question she’d asked his parents, but he responded a little differently.

“Nothing can help. Nothing can fix this. I just can’t...like I’ll start to think maybe I’m okay and then…” his face crumbled. “And then I remember and I don’t even know where the tears are still coming from. I’m sorry, Megs.”

“What? Why? Roman. Oh, Roman. You’re allowed to hurt. Baby, you’re allowed to be devastated. It’s been a HARD year. And it’s April. When I was sick, you were my rock. You took care of me and loved me and made me feel beautiful when I wasn’t and gave me every reason to believe that I could beat it and I did. Because you were there for me. I might have given up a million times but I just couldn’t give up on us. So this is different. You’re in pain and you have to grieve and it’s okay. Roman. That’s OKAY. I’m gonna be here for you and I’m gonna get you through all of this. Your shoulder and Lisa and Honey and everything, because we’re in love. That’s what relationships and marriage and all of that, that’s what it’s for. When it’s good, we love each other. When it’s not so good we love each other even harder. Absolutely no apologies allowed.”

He nodded and buried his face against her, and she rubbed the side of his head. Eventually Roman stopped crying and 30 minutes or so later, when Lily peeked her head in to check on them, he was asleep. In fact, Megan barely noticed she was there. She was too busy thanking her lucky stars that she had this boy in her life, determined to walk by his side no matter what life threw at them.


	148. Bonding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last few chapters have been pretty heavy, so let's lighten this up a little!

“Remember the time she jumped into the pool to save Dean?”

Roman, Lily, Tony, Dean, and Seth were all hanging out together that evening. Finn had fallen asleep in Dean’s arms an hour or so ago and was passed out on his daddy’s shoulder with his paci in his mouth. Dean sat beside Tony in the big chair in the living room. Lily sat on the couch with Seth on one side and Roman on the other, Roman resting his head on her abdomen. It was calm and comfortable and something all of them very much needed.

It had been three days since Honey died and Tony knew Roman was slowly beginning to feel better, even though he sometimes still shed tears. It would be a slow process and grieving was hard, but the boy had a support system and that night they all relaxed in the living room sharing stories and memories of Honey. 

“Wait, what? When did Dean drown?” Seth sat up from where he’d been resting on Lily’s shoulder, concerned.

Tony just laughed.

“He didn’t. But you know Dean, right? When he first came home his arm was in a cast and he wasn’t able to use the pool for awhile. He kept swearing he knew how to swim but it wasn’t like we could know that for sure or even like we could get him lessons right away because he was hurt. So the day after the cast came off, he decided it’d be real funny to jump right into the deep end and then come up screaming and thrashing like he was sinking. Only before Mom or I could even react, Honey Badger leaped right into the water and swam under him and pushed him to the surface. Damn, he was so shocked I think for a minute he forgot he COULD swim and he took a mouthful of water and started coughing and then she kind of towed him to the edge. Your mama was pisssssssssed.”

Dean blushed. Everyone else cracked up.

“Was I THAT bad?” 

“You weren’t bad, sweetie. None of you were ever really bad. But you were definitely...let’s see…”

“Crazy?” Roman supplied, and they all, even Dean, laughed again. 

“You definitely pushed the envelope a little more than Roman or Seth,” Lily finally came up with an honest response. “But you’ve always had a huge heart and you never had any malicious intent. You did stuff just to see what would happen and thought about what might happen after the fact. But you learned a lot of good lessons.”

“Yeah I did,” Dean snorted. “Like don’t pretend you’re drowning with Honey Badger around.”

“She’s never gonna be around again,” Roman whispered, beginning to tear up but Lily reached out and hugged him right as Dean patted his knee.

“Now let’s not get that started again,” she soothed. “Did you guys know that Honey was our first puppy?”

“Really? But you had other dogs,” Roman reminded them, distracted at least temporarily.

“Yes. They were all a little older though.”

“What was Honey like as a puppy?”

Both parents paused, and then answered at the same time.

“She was sweet,” Lily murmured at the exact same time Tony grumbled,

“She was terrible.”

The boys all giggled. 

“She wasn’t terrible. She was a baby!” Lily exclaimed. Tony rolled his eyes.

“She ate everything. EVERYTHING. Shoes, newspapers, dog toys, furniture, clothes, pool toys, any kind of toy, honestly, garbage, crayons...for awhile I thought we’d really adopted a baby goat.”

“Oh good Lord, you make it sound so bad,” their mother scolded. 

“It was awful. We swore we’d never have another puppy and we didn’t until Pippi.”

Lily laughed then.

“Okay, okay. She was pretty wild. But she grew up. She was so good with kids. All of them. The ones we couldn’t keep AND the ones we did,” she gazed fondly at the boys and Tony couldn’t help but nod.

“But why didn’t you get any puppies before Honey?” Seth was in question mode.

“For the same reason we weren’t foster parents to any human babies,” Lily answered. “Everyone wants them. I mean if Cassie, or anyone, had ever come to us and asked us if we wanted to take on a baby with special needs because they couldn’t find foster parents, we’d have jumped all over it but it never came up. But then again, we had it in our profile all along that we mainly wanted age 5 and older because there just aren’t enough good foster homes for older kids.”

“THAT’S the truth,” Roman muttered and Seth nodded. 

“It’s kind of the same with animals, I guess. Lots of people just don’t want to take a chance on an older pet. But then again, we kind of thought that very few families would want to take a chance on a Rottweiler with parvo either.”

“She was only half Rottweiler,” Dean pointed out.

“I know. But my point is, she needed a chance if she was going to get better and grow up. She’d been just a tiny pup and so sick and she was terrified of everything. Maggie May. Her own shadow. The cats. Me.”

“YOU, Mama?” Seth sounded stunned and Tony laughed. 

“I know because your mom’s so scary, right? No, but yeah, baby Honey just wasn’t sure about anything. But the other thing about Honey Badger that made her super special to Mom and me is that we adopted her about the same time that we began to realize that getting pregnant may never happen, so what did we want to do? We’d just had our second miscarriage, after fertility treatments, and nothing was working but we just weren’t willing to give up yet. So while we were sorting that out, I think we just needed something to love and take care of and I had wanted a German shepherd forever.”

Lily grinned at him fondly and he stared back at her, captivated for a moment by the surrealness of the situation. Recounting these struggles in the presence of their very own sons felt strange in a wonderful way. Here sat his wife, his beautiful wife, his hero...he coughed. Suddenly there was a lump in his throat. None of the boys noticed but Lily squeezed his hand and nodded.

“It wasn’t a concession. We still kept trying but we also kept exploring options and then someone told us about Cassie. We met with her and it seemed very simple after that. We’d foster. We’d keep trying to get pregnant but we’d foster and hopefully change some lives in the process.”

“We got our very first foster son about a month after we adopted Honey Badger,” Tony chimed in. 

“That was Draven, right?” Dean asked. 

“Yeah. That was Draven. He was as tiny and terrified as Honey. And they took to each other. We kept Draven for about six months before he got sent home and I think Honey actually grieved when he was gone. She didn’t understand,” explained Lily.

“So it was back to just me and Mom and Maggie and Honey, and the cats, and the house was just too damn quiet all the time, so the obvious thing to do was call Cassie.”

“It was a vicious cycle,” Lily laughed.

“She helped us heal,” Tony said softly. “And she helped kids trust. And she got nothing but love in return for her efforts. She was a good girl. We’ll all miss her. But she definitely earned her wings.”

Roman sighed.

“She was the best. Like...I don’t even think I can ever do it again. Get another dog, I mean. I don’t ever want to hurt like this again.”

“Roman, the thing is,” Tony began, pausing. “The thing is, that’s exactly what Mom and I said too, after we lost the twins. And...look around, son. You can see how well THAT worked for us.”

“Your heart will heal. We all will,” Lily hugged their son. “And in the meantime...we’ve got each other.”

The next night was Friday, and the second Tony walked in the door after work, Lily passed him the baby and took off out the door.

“WHERE are you going?” He called after her.

“Don’t worry about it,” she hollered back before hopping in the Highlander and taking off.

Unusual, he mused, but she’d been happy so he opted not concern himself with it. It had been a rough week for everyone. Seth and Dean’s prom was the next day, and on Sunday he intended to tackle the task of cleaning up the pool for the warmer months. They’d had so much rain in Houston that it was beginning to resemble a swamp. He had plenty to do. So if Lily wanted to go run around and get stuff done, who was he to question her?

Besides, the absence of his wife gave him an opportunity to do something he’d been neglecting.

“GUYS!” Tony yelled down the hall for Roman and Seth, who were both in their bedrooms doing homework. Dean was already in the living room editing photos on his computer. “Family meeting!”

Seth and Roman emerged and they all sat.

“So the party,” Tony began. Dean perked up immediately.

“Yesssssssssss! So I’ve been working on this,” he turned his computer around to show his brothers. Their faces lit up. 

The screen showed what seemed to be walls, decorated in galleries of family photos. 

“I’m getting these printed and ordering the frames,” Dean explained. “Then after we hang them at the party, we just take them down and she can bring them home and they’re ready to go. So that’s gift number one.”

“Have you booked your Paris trip, Dad? That’s gift number two, right?” Seth asked.

“Yeah. We’re gonna go the second week in June.”

“Will you be back by Father’s Day?” Dean looked up.

“Of course. Your very first one. Wouldn’t miss it,” Tony smiled broadly. “So here’s what we still have to work out. First, the logistics of how we’re gonna get her to the hotel for the party in the first place. I was thinking maybe we could somehow get her, Megan, and Clarissa to go for pedis and then make up like...we’re gonna all meet for dinner at the hotel restaurant? I know she’d go for it; she really wants to get to know Clarissa better.”

Dean beamed.

“The caterers are pretty flexible,” Tony went on. “But we need to tell them what we want and pretty quick. Any thoughts?”

“Mom’s favorite foods,” Seth threw out.

“Well, yeah, but it’s Dad’s anniversary too,” Roman reminded him and Seth chuckled.

“Yes,” he said. “I know. But Dad’s doing all the surprises.”

“What foods were served at your wedding?” Dean interrupted all of them.

Tony smiled.

“You might be onto something, there, Deano. Except I don’t know if I can remember. We had buffet-style stuff. Finger foods mostly. Nana will know. I don’t recall but I don’t think your mother and I got to eat too much. We were too busy greeting guests.”

“Well, let’s change that, then.”

Tony smiled again. This was good. Sitting there, planning a party for his wife with his boys. This had to be every dad’s dream.

 

___________________________________________

 

Lily had a secret. Not a huge or dramatic secret, but one she hoped would make everyone happy and lead to good things. 

She was meeting Megan, Valentino, and Clarissa for dinner and the salon to get their nails done before prom the next night. At first Clarissa balked a little, claiming she had no one to watch Lucy.

“Bring her!” Lily exclaimed. “She can come! Maybe they’ll do her toes, too.”

Then because she loved Seth’s boyfriend as much as Roman and Dean’s girlfriends, she called Valentino and offered the same invitation.

He promptly jumped at the chance.

“Thank you so much for thinking of me. It means a lot. I’ve never had a boyfriend whose family was so keen to accept me...and I love a good pedi!”

“You’ve had them before?” Lily wasn’t entirely shocked; Roman got pedis occasionally, but she hadn’t known this about Vali.

“Yeah, every few months. I hate my feet rough,” he replied. “Gator feet. Yuck.”

Lily laughed. 

She was thinking ahead to summer, and she realized that with all parties involved over 18, inviting her sons’ significant others on a family vacation would be completely appropriate. But that would have to wait; as soon as she parked, Lily recognized Megan’s green Ford Focus and as she was walking in, she spotted Clarissa walking towards the door. And in her arms was a beautiful little girl.

Lily had met Clarissa several times and Lucy was present twice, but there was no denying that Clarissa was becoming very precious to Dan, and Lucy too, and so no matter what, Lily intended to build a relationship with them.

“Hi there!” Lily approached Clarissa, who offered a shy smile. 

“Hi! Look, Lucy, it’s Dean’s mama!” Lucy looked Lily over, then smiled wide.

“Hey pretty girl! You’re so sweet, Lucy. Are you gonna get your toes done too? Huh?” Lucy blew bubbles.

“I’m surprised you were off tonight since you’re off tomorrow night too,” Lily said to Clarissa as they entered the salon.

“Me too, but it...I think it’s kind of a punishment for asking for tomorrow night off, honestly,” Clarissa sighed. “I always get my hours cut when I ask for time off. Not that I’m working all that many hours to begin with. My family isn’t that excited to watch Lucy. If Roman and Megan weren’t watching her tomorrow, there’s no way I could go to prom.”

The concept of not supporting your child was foreign to Lily; in fact, she wasn’t quite sure what to say, so instead she patted Clarissa’s shoulder.

“Where do you work?” Lily asked her.

“The Gap. I hate it,” Clarissa mumbled as they greeted Megan.

“Where’s Vali?”

“Fashionably late as usual,” Lily smiled. “So Clarissa and I were just talking about her job.”

“Do you work?” Clarissa wondered. 

“I did work study during the school year. Bookstore. It wasn’t great money but it was something. And I still live with my parents.”

“So then how did you pay for school? I mean if that’s not too nosy…”

Lily and Megan exchanged a glance.

“Well...I got accepted to Houston on a basketball scholarship...and then I got diagnosed with Leukemia…”

“Oh!” Clarissa exclaimed. “I’m sorry; I didn’t know.”

“Oh, no, it’s okay. I’m in remission. But I lost my scholarship because I couldn’t play. So the Girardi’s contacted the Alumni Foundation and discovered I was eligible for a scholarship from them. It only covers 15 hours a semester and I had to reapply for next year and I haven’t heard for sure yet. But my grades were really good so we’re thinking I’ll probably get it again. I’m hoping.”

“What’s your major?” Clarissa wanted to know.

“Nursing. I kind of want to work with oncology patients. Or maybe with surgical patients.”

At that moment Valentino arrived and hugs were exchanged by all. Lucy took one look at him and thrust her arms up so that he would hold her.

“What’s this? A baby who likes me?” Vali grinned. “You gotta teach your buddy Finn that I’m not so bad. Hey, ladies. How’s everyone doing?”

“Vali, have you met Clarissa?” Lily offered introductions.

“Yeah, just once at the photo shoot, but I’m...I gotta admit, I’m pretty excited that you invited me along on this outing.”

“Oh, you’re one of the family now,” Lily replied. “And I didn’t ask you guys out here to like grill you or anything like that, but each of you is very special to one of my sons, and I just feel like I want to get to know you better. I mean I already know Megan quite well, but Vali and Clarissa, I was just really hoping we could hang out some.”

“I’m down. So what were we talking about before I got here?” Vali asked.

“College. Well, plans after highschool,” Megan answered as they were led back into the salon. 

“Ahhhh. That seems to dominate every conversation in my house right now,” Valentino laughed. “My parents aren’t QUITE as cool as you and Tony.”

“Oh, nah,” Lily smiled. “Your mom just…”

She trailed off and Vali grinned at her.

“She’s just overbearing.”

“She’s protective. What’s going on, hmm? Everything okay?”

“Oh, yeah, it’s fine,” he replied. “She just...you know my dad works for the railroad, right?”

“Yes…” 

“And Mami...like he didn’t finish highschool, but he’s got a good job with good insurance. Our house is small but it’s a good house, and Pop works a LOT of hours but he makes a good living. But they don’t have money to pay for me to go to school, and when they found out how much my student loans are gonna be she kind of hit the roof, especially because she knows I don’t even really want to go. But I DON’T want to follow in Pop’s footsteps either, so I gotta do something.”

“Okay...so I see your side, definitely, but I also see hers,” Lily mused, smiling as Lucy giggled in Clarissa’s lap. “Parents just want what’s best for their kids, and like...I’ve spent a lot of time deciding what’s right for them because they were too young to make those choices. Now they’re old enough to make their own decisions and I kind of have to like it or not. And that is HARD! It’s hard because I don’t ever want to see them hurt but part of learning is getting hurt sometimes I guess.”

“Yeah...I know.”

“What do you WANT to do?”

“Um….be a trophy husband? Can I say that to my boyfriend’s mother?”

They all laughed.

“You can say it,” Lily giggled. “Seth gonna do all the work then?”

“No, but he’s going to do amazing things in his field and that’s gonna mean eventually we have to relocate to a coast somewhere, and I’m down with that. I don’t have any idea what I DO want to do, so I guess my most important goal right now is to support him and be the plan B.”

“I love that you’re so supportive of my kid, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up dreams of your own, Valentino,” Lily hoped her voice didn’t sound as sharp as she thought it did.

“But Seth IS my dream,” Vali replied quietly. “Seth and our future together is my dream. I can teach drama or art or paint from anywhere. I’m not saying I’m flushing my stuff away; not at all. It’s just that I’m not sure yet what I want but he does. So for now I’m gonna go to community college and take gen-eds and see what happens.”

Lily’s heart melted a little.

“You and Seth will do just fine,” she said quietly. “And your parents will come around. How about you, Clarissa? What do you plan to do after highschool?”

“I...don’t know yet,” Clarissa looked down at her feet. “I...I KNOW I won’t have money for school, but I’m trying to get accepted into beauty school on a grant. I always wanted to dance but a lot changed when I had Lucy.”

Lily patted her hand, concerned that the girl sounded so defeated, when Valentino spoke up.

“So you’re a dancer?”

“I was. I quit when I got pregnant.”

“But you still love it?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“So why don’t you teach dance lessons?”

Clarissa looked up.

“Like open a dance studio? That takes a lot of money.”

“Well yeah, but I mean, like at the community center or teach for an already established studio to start? Seth and I have both applied to teach at the drama camp the community center offers every summer, and I bet they have other openings for other classes. And there have got to be dozens of dance schools in Houston. Surely some of them have turnover sometimes?”

Clarissa’s eyes lightened a little.

“I wouldn’t mind teaching classes,” she began. “But scheduling is hard with her.” 

She tickled Lucy gently.

“What color do you want to do your toes, sis? Hmm?”

“She should have something sparkly!” Megan exclaimed. 

Soon Megan, Valentino, and Clarissa were debating which colors would suit Lucy perfectly and Lily watched, slightly smitten. Her boys, she knew, had done a good job of finding people who would make them happy. Sure, Dean and Clarissa’s relationship was young but it was off to a strong start, and Lily really liked her. She couldn’t help but wonder if the people surrounding her would become extensions of her family. What would the future bring?


	149. A Prom Dress and a Baby

The house was full of nervous energy the morning of prom, and Dean did the best he could to neutralize everyone.

Roman was mainly excited about babysitting Lucy and Finn that night, though he had half a dozen worried questions.

“Is she allergic to anything?”

“Are you sure Clarissa will send enough diapers?”

“What does Lucy eat?”

“Guys don’t make her nervous right?”

“Do you think she’s afraid of dogs?”

“Is the house baby-proof enough?”

It was completely ridiculous but Roman was utterly serious, so Dean kept his guffaws on the inside and externally he simply said,

“You’ll do fine, Rome. You’re a great uncle and you and Megan together are the best team in the world.”

Roman’s smile told him he’d said the right thing but he wasn’t bluffing. He wouldn’t have asked Megan and Roman to watch the babies if he didn’t know they’d be good at it.

Although Seth and Valentino had made up and talked at length, they still hadn’t actually seen each other outside of school, and Dean knew there was a laundry list of things his brother was worried about. He was afraid it would be awkward. He was afraid it would be painful. He was afraid Vali wouldn’t like him in his tux.

“Are you kidding me?” Dean told him as he stood beside his brother, looking in the mirror. “You’re smokin’ hot. If I wasn’t straight and if I wasn’t your brother, I’d totally fall for you right now.”

Seth punched Dean’s shoulder. It hurt a little.

“You’re just saying that,” he snorted.

“Well, yeah,” Dean agreed. “I mean the truth is, since I’m straight and I AM your brother, I can’t possibly know for sure how you’d make me feel under other circumstances. But as your straight brother, I CAN say you look really handsome and right or wrong, I’d bet my life that you’re gonna knock your boyfriend’s socks off.”

This time, rather than punching him, Seth hugged him instead.

“Thank you, Dean,” he whispered and Dean hugged him back.

“You’re welcome. Just relax. We’re just gonna have fun tonight, and Mom and Dad and I will all be around. You and Vali are solid, though. Try to just think about you and him and nothing else.”

Seth nodded. 

“Yeah...yeah, you’re right. Hey, just so you know...you’re pretty smokin’ hot yourself, brother.”

Dean laughed but on the inside he melted just a little. He sincerely hoped Clarissa thought the same.

Despite his brothers’ nerves, Dean, deep down, thought he was possibly the most apprehensive of the three. Because his girlfriend (he still wasn’t sure if that was the right term) was seriously going with him to prom. He was wearing a sharp black tux of his own, and he wanted so bad to impress her.

“Did you get her a corsage?” Seth wondered, running a comb through his dark hair.

“Yeah, it’s in the fridge. It’s pink. She said the color didn’t matter, and she likes daisies so that’s what I ordered. I don’t know what color her dress is though…”

“Gotta be neutral if the corsage color doesn’t matter.”

“Well...I mean not necessarily. Like, she’s not really the type to get upset if stuff doesn’t match, you know? I mean she’d notice but she probably wouldn’t care.”

“I like her,” Seth confided. “She makes me laugh. And she makes YOU laugh, which is even better.”

“Yeah...yeah, she does,” Dean agreed. “We talk about the most random shit but it’s just fun. Like a few nights ago we spent 45 minutes debating the merit of mushrooms. Not the drug, the food kind.”

Seth snorted.

“Mushrooms?”

“Yes. Because we’d had that chicken with the mushrooms and artichokes but Roman hates mushrooms so he picked all of his out, and then you stole them off his plate.”

“He was just gonna throw them away,” Seth protested. “Mushrooms are the shit.”

“That was my point!” Dean exclaimed. “I told her, mushrooms are one of those things that people either love or hate but nobody ever seems to be in between. But I’m in between. I could take them or leave them. And it turns out, so is she.”

“So you’re soul mates because you share the same views on mushrooms?”

This made Dean laugh hard. Put that way, it DID sound pretty silly.

“No, that’s not...we’re not...are we? Soul mates? I mean…”

A familiar look glossed over Seth’s eyes.

“You really do like her.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I do. It’s just so hard to even think about going there again. But...like I don’t even know what it is these days, but I’m thinking I want to ask her if we can date exclusively.”

Seth lit up.

“Good,” he said. 

“Did you get Valentino a corsage?”

“No, I told him he has to get me one!” 

“You told him he has to? Kinda bratty, don’t you think?” Dean poked his brother in the side.

“It wasn’t like THAT,” Seth protested. “But he said he had an even better idea so I’m kind of psyched.”

The doorbell rang, then. Seth looked at him excitedly.

“Maybe that’s Vali!”

In truth, it was as likely to be Clarissa, since she was bringing Lucy out beforehand, but the way Seth suddenly got all fluttery at the thought of his boyfriend tickled Dean in a way he couldn’t explain.

And Seth was right; as they headed down the hall together, Dean could clearly see Valentino, dressed to the nines and holding a huge box. Seth practically sprinted into his arms.

“Oh, wow. Oh, Seth. You look…” Vali trailed off and Seth blushed deeply; anyone could see that his boyfriend was at a loss for words, but Seth seemed to understand. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, and he sounded almost a little shy. “You look amazing too. What’s in the box? Did you bring me a present?”

Vali grinned huge. 

“Well, you wanted a corsage. I thought I could probably go one better.”

Seth tentatively opened the lid and let out a gasp. Dean leaned over to peer in and he saw…

A huge homecoming mum?

It was the most hideous thing that Dean had ever seen.

It was large and gaudy. Shaped like a blue ribbon, a huge white mum was at the top and it had a red heart in the center with “CR”, Dean assumed for “Creek Ridge”, written in tiny red flowers underneath it. A photo of Seth and Vali was nestled in the middle of the heart. White feather boas and wide red and silver ribbons trailed down from the mum. One of the ribbons had “Seth” in block letters on it and another read “Valentino” in similar font. Upon closer inspection, there was another red heart connecting their names. Dean stifled a chuckle. 

Seth said nothing, just analyzed the abomination in his hands with his mouth dropped open as Tony slipped into the foyer.

“Hey, Vali, how are---” Dad began but then he caught sight of the mum. “Oh...oh wow. Wow, this is…”

“Do you like it?” Vali tentatively asked Seth, whose expression was totally unreadable.

“Well...these are traditionally for Homecoming…” Seth replied slowly.

“Yeah...yeah, I know, but we didn’t go to either of the Homecoming dances and…”  
Seth’s boyfriend trailed off and Dean stifled another laugh, until he looked up at Vali’s face. He looked absolutely crestfallen, and Dean felt his heart sink just a little; sure it was funny but…

Finally Seth looked up at Valentino, bright-eyed and grinning.

“How do I put it on?”

Vali lit up.

It was a sight but the smile on Seth’s face as he proudly wore Vali’s generous offering of affection was more than enough to remind Dean to keep his mouth shut.

As Valentino attempted to pin the mum to Seth’s jacket, all three of them looked up when they heard Tony say sharply,

“Holy shit.”

Their mother had made her way into the room, and man was she dazzling.

Lily was far from a tomboy; she owned and wore a wide range of clothing from jeans to dresses and skirts. She tended to keep her hair and makeup fairly simple, and her big shopping weakness was definitely shoes. It was a family joke that their mother had more pairs of shoes than all three boys and Tony combined. But she just wasn’t the fancy dress/evening gown type. 

Until now.

Their mother was wearing a floor-length dress that was shimmery and the color of pearls. Beaded high-heeled strappy sandals adorned her feet. And her hair was done in a fancy updo. Everyone in the room stopped and gaped.

“Wow, Mommy, you look GORGEOUS!” Seth was the first to break the silence.

“Thank you, bub! What’s that you’ve got there?” Lily had laid eyes on the mum.

“Vali got me this! Isn’t it pretty?” Seth was practically ready to explode.

Lily simply smiled and helped Seth put the mum on while Tony crossed the room to wrap his arms around his wife from behind.

“You are stunning,” he murmured into her ear and she turned just slightly to kiss him.

“Thank you,” she replied. She sounded almost shy. “Megan did my hair for me and we went and had our nails done last night.”

“You’re gonna give those highschool girls a huge run for their money,” Tony said coyly. “In fact, I might just have to bring a stick to beat the guys off…”

Lily laughed.

Dean couldn’t help but continue to stare at his mom; she had to be the most beautiful woman in the entire world. She DID look stunning and he was suddenly flooded with gratitude that his parents were interested in being part of things like this with them. Not many moms or dads were too interested in chaperoning a dance, nevermind prom, nevermind all dressed up. Not many parents would let Dean’s date leave her daughter at their house for what would likely be all night, so that they could go to the After Party and have fun. Not many parents would support him going out to prom at all with a baby to take care of. Dean was damn lucky and he knew it.

The doorbell rang then. He couldn’t get to it quickly enough.

And there she stood. Clarissa. Her long blonde hair was straight and perfect, makeup just so, and her dress was...unbelievable. It was lime green which most people wouldn’t have touched but on Clarissa it just worked. Lucy was perched on her hip and the second she saw Dean, she lit up, giggled, and reached for him. He picked her up, but leaned in close so he could kiss his girlfriend.

“Heya, handsome,” Clarissa said softly and Dean smiled at her.

“Hello, beautiful,” he replied. “You look so pretty.”

A soft blush crept over Clarissa’s cheeks. This happened often when he complimented her, Dean had noticed, and it bugged him just a little but at the same time he found it a little endearing. 

“Thank you,” Clarissa murmured. She turned to Dean’s mother. 

“I love it,” she proclaimed. “When you described it last night I could kind of envision it but seeing it is just...wow.”

Lily offered the girl a hug.

“Thank you. It made me nervous at first,” Lily confessed. “But look at you, girl. That’s a bold choice but I love it! And you, Lucy! Look at your piggies!”

Lucy did, indeed, have small pigtails in her hair. 

“C’mon,” Dean told Clarissa. “Roman and Megan are in the living room with Finn. Let’s go hand her over so we can get going.”

Clarissa nodded and took Dean’s hand, and he led her to his brother, who was sitting on the couch watching Megan and Finn. Finn was laying on the floor and Megan was tickling him, and the little man was completely cracking up. Dean couldn’t help but notice that Roman’s expression was totally relaxed, almost blissed out, and he thanked his lucky stars yet again that his family was so accepting and they loved his son so much.

They all exchanged greetings, though Lucy laid her head on Dean’s shoulder and regarded Roman somberly. 

“She’ll warm up,” Clarissa said hopefully. “Hey, sissy, wanna show Finn what you can do now?”

She took her daughter from Dean and attempted to set her down on her feet, wobbled precariously, then righted herself with a giggle.

“This is HARD in a prom dress,” she said, and Dean silently agreed. His afternoon had consisted of trying to make sure Finn didn’t pee all over his tux during his diaper change. 

“Here,” Dean offered, taking Lucy back and balancing her on the floor. Finn sat up with interest. Lucy took one look at him and began to toddle. She made it four steps before she faltered and then plopped backwards onto her butt; by then, though, all of the adults were cheering and even Finn was squealing at her, and Lucy broke out into a huge grin. 

That grin lasted until Roman stood up.

Lucy let out a shriek so shrill that Dean was a little surprised the windows didn’t break. Roman immediately sat back down, baffled. 

“Lucy,” Clarissa spoke gently but firmly. “No ma’am. Screaming hurts ears. Ouch.”

Roman tried again, and Lucy shrieked again and then her face crumbled and she let out a howl. Roman sat back down and immediately Lucy stopped but she crawled to Clarissa and tried to pull herself up on her mama’s dress. It didn’t work, though, and she tipped forward and landed on her face. 

The whole room froze before Dean and Clarissa both grabbed for the baby, but all they succeeded in doing was crashing into each other. Lucy burst into hysterical tears, which caused Finn to start wailing as well. There they were, surrounded by Dean’s entire family and both of their screaming babies and for a moment, Dean wished he had normal teenager problems again, but then their eyes met.

Dean looked at Clarissa. Clarissa looked at Dean. Then they both shrugged and began to laugh. Dean picked Lucy up and handed her to her mother before lifting Finn into his arms. Together they inspected Lucy’s face and found that she was none the worse for wear. Just startled, Dean figured. 

“You’re okay. You’re fine,” Clarissa was soothing the little girl in her arms and Dean kissed Finn.

“Look, buddy. She’s all good. Let’s just settle down. Everybody’s good.”

Eventually, both babies settled. Pictures were taken and soon enough they loaded up and headed out to the dance. And Dean was definitely still looking forward to it. But he was beginning to realize something.

It was just a dance. A fun night out with his new girlfriend, yes. But just a dance nonetheless. In the morning he’d step right back into his dad shoes, and really, grown up or not, that ceased to even matter because he was where he was now and...yeah. Dean had no way of knowing what the future might hold for them, but right then he felt there was serious potential.

 

_____________________________

 

“Now I know what Valentino feels like,” Roman muttered as he gazed longingly at Lucy.

The little girl was snuggled up against Megan, sucking her thumb and clearly beginning to feel woozy. Finn was passed out on Roman’s shoulder. Their evening hadn’t been terrible, but Roman could’ve done without Lucy flashing him the stink eye every time he moved.

He relayed this to Megan and she giggled.

“Awww, now,” she cajoled. “She doesn’t know you very well yet and she’s kind of at the stranger danger age. She’ll get there.”

Really, it had gone fine. Lucy fussed for about three minutes after her mother left and then Megan busied her playing with Finn’s light up baby piano. This had delighted Lucy, who happily bonked on it so it would flash lights and make noise. Finn watched, and then Roman had scooted him over closer and they’d made music together. The weather was beautiful, in the high 60’s, so Megan and Roman took them outside for a little bit. Lucy had toddled around on the driveway while Finn watched with curious fascination.

“What’s she doin’?” Roman asked him and he’d squealed and smiled.

They both munched on some puffs and mashed bananas and then bottles were handed out at about 8:15. Lucy had finished hers and just rested on Megs. Finn didn’t even get his done before falling asleep.

There hadn’t been anything difficult about it and really, it had felt pretty good. Megan was just naturally easy with the babies and Roman himself had plenty of practice changing diapers. Lucy was awfully cute, and Finn seemed enthralled with her. 

Roman couldn’t quite peg the mix of Lucy’s heritage. She was definitely not completely caucasian, although Clarissa had blonde hair, a sort of dark blond unlikely to be a hair coloring. Her hair also appeared pretty straight. Lucy, though, had loose, wavy curls that were deep brown, broad lips, slanted eyes. She was beautiful. And she looked a little like...Roman himself.

That was it; she looked Polynesian. Roman wondered if one of the islands of Oceania was somewhere in her roots. 

Watching the babies play together was hilarious and fun. It really did seem as though they had some sort of secret baby language; neither of them could talk yet but there appeared to be no trouble with communication. Although Dean seemed to think that Lucy walking would coerce Finn into crawling after her, Roman wasn’t too sure. First of all, Lucy wasn’t yet getting too far too fast. She could make it a few steps before tipping, though she either fell forward and caught herself with her hands or backwards and onto her padded booty, so she wasn’t at all discouraged. In fact, she giggled more often than not. But in the event that she DID make it far from where Finn sat on his blanket, he would let out sort of a chirp and then Lucy would turn around and size him up. Then she’d sort of chatter and slowly start making her way back. 

“They’re besties!” Megan crowed enthusiastically. “This is so awesome!”

Megan herself was awesome. 

Throughout the evening Lucy slowly did warm up to Roman but it was very clear that she wasn’t going to let him do ANYTHING too close, though he did manage to make her laugh a few times. He got it, or at least he tried to. Finn had rarely spent half a day without seeing Roman at least for a little while, but to Lucy, he must look like some kind of giant. So he let Megan do her diapers and change her into soft pajamas and rock her while she downed her bottle, and he let Megan do the pre-bedtime cuddles, and once Lucy finally slept, he let Megan lay her down beside Finn in his crib. Then they both stood back and gazed contentedly down at the two sleeping infants, now snuggled up close together.

“This’ll be us someday,” Megan confided and Roman just smiled.

It was true that the whole thing just felt right. He could practically picture it in his head. First, he and Megan would get married and probably find a small apartment so they could save their money, and on school breaks, in between internships and clinicals, they’d travel. Both wanted to go to Europe and Thailand, and Roman was beginning to feel like he’d like to see Samoa, while Megan had always wanted to go to Australia. They’d travel the U.S. too; neither had ever been to Seattle and Megs hadn’t ever seen New York. 

Once they’d seen everything they wanted to see, they’d buy a small house and work hard and save up, and eventually when the time was right, there’d be babies. Both knew that whether or not they’d be able to have biological children would always be a tossup. Megan’s oncologist was optimistic but nothing could be 100% certain. However, adoption would always be a choice. It could be expensive, but they’d save for it, and Roman was fairly sure his parents would be willing to help.

Dreaming and planning lightened his heart. It’d been rough lately, both physically and emotionally, but just knowing that they were in a hard patch but still had so much to look forward to helped.

 

___________________________________

 

Seth felt as though he breezed through prom in a trance.

He knew that people looked at them sideways when he and Vali showed up and he was adorned with his Homecoming mum. Unconventional? Yes. But Seth just loved it; the mum itself WAS obnoxious but that was kind of the point of them and anyway, how lucky was he to get a guy who’d go out of his way to do such a thing?

And it was all for him.

They danced for hours and paused to sip punch and chat with their classmates and for Seth, one of the best parts was that everyone was so free of judgment. Two guys dancing and laughing and kissing occasionally didn’t bother a single soul, and it felt great. Vali, for as awful as his singing voice was, could dance. He’d often kind of brush it off, claim he wasn’t too good at it, and just downplay his talent, but once Seth had him on the dance floor, he was smooth. 

Seth’s parents seemed to be having a blast as well, and they were hilarious to watch.

“Your mom and dad are so COOL!” Their friend Amanda Nathan exclaimed. Amanda was also gay, and he and Vali and she and her girlfriend Lissa Norris had become fast friends when Lissa and Vali had decided to work together to raise awareness for gay rights as their Senior service project. 

Seth thought this was pretty noble. He himself was still coming to terms with whole gay concept. Not in the sense that he couldn’t accept that HE was gay. No, he was actually more comfortable in his own skin now than he could ever remember being...maybe ever in his entire life, actually. He knew he was young but thus far, he’d never encountered any discrimination over his sexuality, and even though hypothetically it probably couldn’t stay that way, Seth refused to even consider the alternatives. 

Naive though it probably was, he just wasn’t to a point yet in his own self-exploration process to start thinking about things like how he and Vali could ever really get married, share health insurance, or what would happen if Valentino was ever incapacitated in the hospital and Seth wasn’t allowed to make decisions on his behalf. Nor was he ready to confront not being able to both sign a birth certificate or maybe even be denied the right to a surrogate. It was all too much and he didn’t like to think about it, so he just tried not to.

To Valentino’s credit, he seemed to understand that his boyfriend was just overwhelmed and that it would take time, so he didn’t push the issues, but that didn’t stop him from fighting for them himself.

But back to prom.

Magnificent was a good word for it. Seth thought the whole affair was delightfully formal and it was the first time he’d really gotten into it, since last year had gone so horribly awry in so many ways. Black tie and black and white, everything from the balloons hanging from the ceiling to the flowers and white lights adorning the tables radiated elegance. It almost reminded Seth of a wedding reception actually, which he mentioned to Vali as they took a break from the dance for to let their feet rest and sip some punch.

“Yeah...it does!” Vali smiled. “Have you been to many weddings?”

“Just one,” Seth replied. “It was like...three years ago? I think. Actually maybe four? I’ll have to ask Mom; it was her friend. I remember that Dean had to go shopping with Mom to get pants and neither of them was too happy about it, and I remember being so relieved that I got to stay home with Roman and Dad and start mucking out the pool because no way did I want to go on that shopping trip.”

Vali laughed.

“Yeah...you know I think your family is awesome but that doesn’t sound like much fun to me either. But uh...speaking of Dean…”

Valentino tipped his chin in Seth’s general direction and Seth turned around to see Dean and Clarissa sharing a slow, passionate kiss in the middle of the dance floor as Train crooned through the speakers. He felt his cheeks heat up but it wasn’t a blush exactly. He really just felt excited.

“Well, that’s definitely not a peck on the lips,” he giggled. “I don’t know how I think this will work out. I honestly don’t know if Dean’s going to be able to take that plunge again. He’s more guarded now that I’ve ever seen him. But I hope he can. I really think she’s good for him.”

“I like her,” Valentino reported. “We had a good time with your mom last night and Clarissa was so nice. But she was definitely...I don’t know what the right word is. Not withdrawn. Not uncomfortable. Just...almost like she just was afraid to believe it was real? I definitely got the feeling that she just wasn’t used to the concept of her boyfriend’s mother caring enough to get to know her better.”

“I don’t know anything about her other than she has Lucy and she’s graduating this year too,” Seth nodded. “I think Dean mentioned once that she doesn’t get a lot of support like he does. Like they’ll watch Lucy when there’s no other choice but like if Roman and Megan weren’t watching her tonight, there’s no way she’d have been able to come.”

Seth sighed and leaned in to Vali.

“We’re pretty lucky, huh.”

“I mean our parents love us. Our lives aren’t perfect but we’re both happy and in good places and about to start school...I’d say we’re awfully damn lucky.”

Vali leaned down and pecked Seth’s cheek.

“C’mon. I wanna show you off on the dance floor a little more.”

Cliche as it may have been, the whole thing was like a dream come true. After the dance ended, Seth and Dean and their mom shared a three-way hug. She squeezed them both around their waists and swayed side to side just a little. 

“I love you two. I love you both so much,” she whispered, so that only Seth and Dean could hear. “I want you to have fun and be safe, okay? If you get tired and you want to come home, call me no matter the time. But mostly enjoy yourselves and enjoy Valentino and Clarissa and we’ll just plan on seeing you up at about 4.”

The prom After Party was slated to last until about 5 am, but the last hour was typically just breakfast in the hall of the venue, and Lily, as PTSA treasurer that year, would be arriving to help serve the food. 

The party was at a convention center near Creek Ridge and would have plenty of parent volunteers patrolling to chaperone, but there was so much fun going on that nobody really cared. There was another dance floor, a bouncy house, Bingo, karaoke, a cake walk, carnival-style games, a photo booth, indoor volleyball, and plenty of other activities designed to keep the teenagers in and not drinking and driving.

Upon arriving and signing in, everyone got a ticket and they called a new name every ten minutes; these prizes were more white elephant than anything but still fun and hilarious. Seth didn’t win anything, but Dean won an adult coloring book and a set of gel pens, and Vali scored a Houston Astros themed lawn gnome. They both cracked up when they saw it.

“He can be my muse!” Vali exclaimed. “I’m gonna call him Hugo!”

He’d lost track of Dean again by the time breakfast began, but Seth figured his brother was probably off making out with Clarissa somewhere. 

“Not a bad idea,” Vali teased when Seth told him his theory, and he laughed. 

“But breakfast smells so good…” Seth whined and Vali swooped him into a hug.

“Later then. After we’ve both had some sleep and brushed our teeth. I’m pretty sure I have morning breath and I haven’t even slept yet.”

Seth giggled.

“Later I’m helping Dad and Dean scrub out the pool,” Seth told his boyfriend. “It’s time to fill it so it can start warming up.”

Vali smiled too.

“Hey, if you want, I’ll help.”

“Really? It’s not glamorous work. It’s actually kind of tedious and it takes a few hours, but Roman can’t do it this year because of his shoulder so we could probably use an extra set of hands…”

“Really. I don’t mind and I don’t have much else to do today. After I sleep of course.”

“Okay!” Seth kissed Vali’s cheek. “C’mon, I see my mom. Let’s go eat.”

At 6 a.m., when Seth finally fell into his bed, he fell asleep relaxed and happy. His senior prom had been a huge success. Roman was healing, Dean was falling in love, and his parents were getting ready to celebrate their anniversary. Could life get any better than this?


	150. First Time for Everything

It had been a dream night but early Sunday morning was back to reality as Clarissa Davis rode with Dean and his family back to their beautiful house in the beautiful country. A dream night with a dreamy guy who had a dreamboat family. His parents were just so NICE; she’d been reserved when Lily had first invited her out to the salon, because that was something her own mother might have done for very different purposes, but it became very clear very quickly that there was no malicious intent. Lily wasn’t scoping her out; she wasn’t trying to find a reason why Clarissa shouldn’t date Dean. She simply wanted to get to know a her better, because Dean wanted to go out with her. 

She also couldn’t get over how close Dean was to his brothers. How Roman had so eagerly jumped at the chance to watch Lucy along with Finn; the way Dean made her feel like a princess all night long while also keeping a hawk’s eye on Seth, because “I really like Valentino a lot, but Seth’s been through a lot of shit and it’s up to me to make sure he doesn’t go through anymore. I mean Vali’s great and I do trust him, but Seth’s always gonna be my little brother.”

Clarissa loved this, and she was also more than a little jealous. 

How fun would it be to have that sort of relationship with her own family?

The feeling in her house, most of the time, was just tense. 

You couldn’t look the wrong way, say the wrong thing, make the wrong choice, feel the wrong emotions, or act out of accordance with the expectations, lest you be severely judged. 

She never felt like she fit in with her family; she’d always known this. Perhaps it was because, out of five daughters, she was the only one who’d been adopted. Or it could’ve been her parents’ extreme religious views. But it was probably because Clarissa’s parents and sisters, every one of them, were bigots. Plain and simple. 

It was hard to both love and hate them so much. She absolutely abhorred that she needed them and their good graces if she was going to have a chance at raising Lucy properly. 

The entire time Clarissa had been pregnant with Lucy, they’d looked down on her because, you know, you weren’t supposed to even have sex before marriage, nevermind get pregnant. She had briefly considered an abortion, out of fear mostly, but long before she even had the opportunity to really consider her options, her mother found out about her pregnancy and after that it was done. 

She wouldn’t have gone through with it anyway. Clarissa adored Lucy and she loved being a mom, and the thing she wanted the most in the whole world was to raise her little girl, but she wanted to do it the RIGHT way, and at the moment, she didn’t have any clue how she was ever going to get out and be able to do that.

The thing was, she really did love her family. She just didn’t love a lot of their beliefs, nor did she want Lucy to learn how to hate.

But that was an ongoing battle, one Clarissa knew she’d be fighting for awhile, so instead, she focused on Dean.

How amazing was he?

The day she first laid eyes on him, the very first thing she noticed, besides the shrieking baby that Dean was trying to place in a crawling position, was the most piercing pair of blue eyes in the world. They were so full of soul, and Clarissa knew how silly that sounded, but that was the only way she could describe it. After his eyes she saw his dimples, and she knew she had to at least get his name.

It would be a fib to say that she hadn’t pointed Lucy in Finn’s direction that morning.

And it had clearly worked; they felt connected. There was never any shortage of things to talk about. They had plenty in common, never mind that they were about to graduate from highschool and were already parents. 

Clarissa knew full well that it was early and the elation of a new relationship hadn’t worn off, but she had yet to find a single flaw in this guy. And he GOT IT. 

The first time they kissed was a revelation; nothing had ever felt more natural. They got together with Finn and Lucy as often as possible, and talked and texted all the time. It was way too soon to proclaim that Clarissa was in love with Dean, but it was definitely safe to say that she was in a serious case of like. 

He was perfect.

If only she wouldn’t have to inevitably introduce him to her family. 

Her parents already weren’t thrilled that she was getting back into a relationship, convinced she’d get pregnant again. Clarissa had no intention of this whatsoever, but then, she hadn’t the first time either. For the most part, they’d been fine with her attending Dean’s prom, though they were clear to remind her that they would NOT watch Lucy while she went out and partied. Nor were they thrilled that Clarissa would be out most of the night, but she was quick to explain that there was an after party that would be chaperoned, and eventually they agreed.

The sad part was, she was already 18 and she shouldn’t have had to wheel and deal on her plans, but her parents very much believed that if she was going to live in their house, she was going to live by their rules.

Clarissa wished for nothing more than to be able to leave, find her own place, and be independent, but that was more or less impossible for now. Diapers cost money, food cost money, clothing cost money. Gap paid minimum wage and if she worked 18 hours each week she felt lucky. 

However.

After an almost Cinderella-esque night, she was having a hard time remembering that her carriage would turn back into a pumpkin as soon as she got home. At about 6:30 am, after profusely thanking Roman and Megan, she and Dean peeked in on Lucy and Finn, all snuggled together in Finn’s crib.

“Awwww,” they both murmured in unison.

It was the sweetest thing ever. The two babies were nice and cozy in their soft pajamas. Lucy, though only about 6 weeks older than Finn, was still quite a bit bigger, and she was spooning him. At some point, they’d gotten each other’s pacifiers in their mouths. And at some point, they’d clasped their little hands together. 

“I hate to separate them,” Dean whispered. “Are you...you could...stay? A little bit? Just get some sleep and let them sleep, and…”

He trailed off as Clarissa softly shook her head. As much as she wanted to stay longer, maybe forever, she knew there’d be all kinds of issues if she did.

“They’re expecting us home,” she replied gently. “So we’d better go but...Dean, I...thank you. Thank you so much for inviting me out. I had so much fun and I love your family. Tonight was...magical.”

Dean smiled ruefully at her.

“Okay but...well, first off, you’re welcome. Thank YOU for saying yes. I had a great time too. When can we...go out again?”

Clarissa thought. This would all be easier when school was out for the summer. 

“Do you...want to maybe go on a picnic Tuesday night? We could take Finn and Lucy to the park.”

“Finn would love that, and so would I,” Dean leaned in and kissed her cheek before slowly and tenderly lifting Lucy up and out of the crib.

The goal was to retrieve her without waking either baby up, but that was a huge fail. The moment he no longer felt Lucy beside him, Finn’s eyes popped open and he let out a wail. Meanwhile Lucy startled and immediately began to whimper. 

Dean quickly passed her to Clarissa and scooped Finn, still half awake, into his arms. 

“Shhhh. I know. I know she’s your buddy, but she has to go home now. And Daddy wants to get some rest. You’re fine, bud.” 

“We’ll get together soon to play,” Clarissa crooned as Lucy snuggled against her and rested her head on her mama’s shoulder. “You’re still so sleepy, huh.” 

“I’m gonna change his butt and hope that doesn’t wake him up for the day,” Dean said with a laugh. “I’m supposed to help Dad and Seth start cleaning out the pool. Hey...once it’s open, does Lucy like to swim?”

“Lucy LOVES water,” Clarissa replied happily. “If I can save up the money I’m trying to get her a Mommy and Me swim class.”

“Well...if I help you pay for it, maybe we could go together…”

“Yeah...yeah, maybe,” Clarissa kissed Dean’s cheek. “But we really are going now. I’ll call you later.”

“Okay...yeah. Later,” Dean murmured absently. He walked Clarissa to the front door, where both Lily and Tony warmly bid her farewell.

“You and Lucy are welcome any time, Clarissa,” Lily’s smile was so genuine and Tony patted her shoulder.

“Our casa is su casa,” he agreed, and Lily immediately began to giggle.

“That’s not how you say that, gringo,” she poked him. “Good try, though.”

Clarissa laughed to herself as she headed down the walk, her daughter already back to sleep in her arms. She didn’t want to leave. More than anything she wanted to stay. But since that was an impossibility, as she drove away, she held on to the sound of Lily and Tony’s banter and the look in Dean’s eyes when she kissed him goodbye.

 

_______________________________________________

 

“There’s something about her that haunts me,” Lily quietly revealed to Tony. 

Several days after prom, he and Lu were sitting on the deck holding hands and admiring the newly-filled pool. Tony didn’t reckon the water was quite warm enough yet for swimming, but it would get there and for now, the shimmering surface was simply too beautiful to avoid, so after supper that night, he’d invited his lovely wife out to sit beside him.

Their discussion, as it typically did, had turned to their boys, and the air of happiness that engulfed their home these days. 

Indeed, Roman’s relationship was solid, and Seth, it seemed, had found his soulmate. And Dean...well, it was too early to speculate TOO far into the future but it certainly did seem as though Dean and Clarissa were off to a good start.

And this seemed to concern Lily.

“It’s not a matter of liking Clarissa; I ADORE Clarissa,” she confided that evening. “She’s great. I think she’s fantastic with Lucy and you can tell just by the way she looks at Dean that she’s smitten with him. I love the way she makes him laugh. But I just...there’s something.”

“Do you think it’s possible,” Tony began slowly, trying to carefully phrase his thought, “that you’re just kind of cautious because of Jessie?”

“I...I have asked myself that over and over,” she admitted. “Because that was so awful. But no. No, I don’t think that’s it, at least not completely. Plus, he’s got Finn to think about and Clarissa has Lucy, and I just wonder if maybe taking on a relationship with baggage is the best thing for him right now.”

“I understand,” Tony rebutted. “He’s got a ton on his plate anyway. I know he’s not too excited about going to Houston.”

“You’re right, he’s not, and I hate that,” Lily sighed. “But he doesn’t have a better idea and for now, neither do I. I admire that he’s moving in the direction he needs to go to provide for Finn eventually but I wish he could find something that he’s truly interested in that he can make a career. Do you think he wants to pursue photography?”

“He should; he’s good at it. I know he loves it. But I get that it’s very difficult to make a career out of it, and his job options with benefits would be limited. I bet he’d be good at teaching photography. But that requires experience.”

“Can you see him working in an office somewhere though? He’d be so miserable, T…”

“Also true. And I wish we could just make this choice for him but we can’t. I’d like to see him keep building his portfolio. Maybe he could keep taking photography jobs on the side while he majors in something else and then see if he can build enough clientele to get it going. You’re right about the insurance though; he can only stay on ours if he stays in college.”

Lily sighed.

“Seth William is a top contender for Valedictorian,” she reported to her husband; Tony was not at all surprised by this news but he was extremely pleased.

“Way to go, bub! Wouldn’t that be awesome? Our kids are so cool.”

This sentiment made Lily laugh.

“It’s true. We have cool kids. And they deserve a little something. So...thoughts on famiversary this year?”

“Yes, actually; have you ever considered Myrtle Beach?”

“Oooh. I hadn’t thought about that but that might be a good idea. I’m a little surprised you didn’t say Disney, though.”

“I think Finn might be young for Disney,” Tony replied. “And you know, whatever we plan is probably going to fall over his first birthday. I really do want to do Disney someday but I think like our tenth famiversary he’ll be about 6 and that just seems like a better age to me.”

Lily giggled.

“And what if we have more grandbabies by then?”

“Well, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

“I like the idea of Myrtle Beach. But we do have plans to go to Galveston over the 4th. Think that’s too much beach?” Lily wondered.

“I think that there’s no such thing as too much beach, and I think our boys would agree with me. We need to get a San Antonio trip in there too,” Tony mused.

“I know, and July is filling up fast, and all three will have to go back to school mid-August. I think our days of vacation til Labor Day are officially over.”

“Yes. But we’ll have four weeks at Christmas and they’ll all be done 3 weeks sooner than we’re used to NEXT May, so it’ll get worked out.”

“We never did get them to New Orleans,” Lily pointed out.

“No, but do you really WANT to go to New Orleans in August?”

Lily laughed.

“Not especially. I think they’d probably get more out of Myrtle Beach, especially if we can take a few days to go to Charleston.”

“Done deal, then. There’s a lot to do that’s appropriate for the kids that won’t be too taxing on Finn. And we can probably rent a condo for a few weeks.”

“Then we need to run it by Dean, but I bet we could have a first birthday party for Finn after we get back. Think he’d like to do that?”

“Dean or Finn?” Tony asked.

“Well, I was talking about Dean. Finn will be the life of the party, I’m sure,” Lily smiled. 

“I think Dean would be thrilled. What plans do we have for his first Father’s Day?”

“I don’t know yet. I’m trying to get past two birthdays and two graduations. We’ll get to Father’s Day after that. Do you want to do anything special for our anniversary?”

Tony’s heart began to pound just a little; it was the first time Lily had addressed their anniversary and of course, she knew nothing of his plans for her. 

“I would…” he paused thoughtfully. “I would like a night out with my beautiful bride. In fact, beautiful bride, why don’t you leave it to me? I’ll make a reservation somewhere and we can have a quiet, kidless dinner. Hey, maybe we can spend the night in a hotel downtown.”

“Oh, I LOVE that idea,” Lily grinned. “But are you implying we should go somewhere without our darling children?”

“Oh, no, babe, I’m not implying. I’m saying it outright.”

Lily laughed.

“Okay,” she agreed. “I think they can handle themselves. I love you so much. Twenty-five years...damn. That’s a LONG time, T.”

“I know,” Tony took Lily’s hand again. “And I’ve enjoyed every second of it.”

 

_________________________________________

 

_Seth was 12 the first time he EVER went to the dentist._

_As one might imagine, teaching him how to take care of his teeth hadn’t been a huge priority for any of the adults parading in and out of his life, and in the beginning Seth wasn’t speaking well enough to explain to anyone that part of the reason he rarely wanted food was because his mouth ached._

_It wasn’t the only reason of course; sometimes he just had a stomach ache because sometimes his brain would start thinking about things he didn’t want to think about and then that awful pain would return to his tummy and usually when that happened he’d forget his teeth hurt. Actually, when that happened, he usually just curled up on his bed and cried and every once in awhile, the screaming came back._

_But back to the dentist. Each of the boys was scheduled to have their teeth cleaned later that day, after Dean and Roman got out of school (Seth hadn’t started yet) and Seth was terrified, but while Lily had quietly and gently explained what would happen and promised that she would hold his hand if he wanted, she had also made it clear that this wasn’t negotiable._

_“Don’t worry, Seth, the dentist is okay,” Dean tried to be helpful. Seth didn’t buy it though; he didn’t miss the look his older brothers exchanged and no part about being touched by anyone except Mama appealed to Seth whatsoever._

_His face must have betrayed him._

_“I know it’s a little scary,” Roman tried a different tactic. “It’s not my most favorite thing but Dr. Durr is super nice and it doesn’t take too long, and tonight when we get home we can play Madden. Would you like that?”_

_Seth had been in the Girardi’s home for roughly 6 weeks at this point. He was still learning the ins and outs of video games and sometimes the war games startled him, but he loved to play Madden, and so as much as this whole dentist idea upset him, he nodded anyway._

_His mother clearly sensed his anxiety because while most days they did projects or math, or read, or baked, this day she let him spend most of it wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, and when he climbed into her lap and pulled her hand into his hair, she just quietly murmured,_

_“I know. I know, bub. It’s scary. But I’m not going to leave you alone. I will be with you. You can do it.”_

_They all overestimated him that day, though. The whole thing was a total nightmare._

_He made it about halfway through the examination before he was curled up in a ball behind the x-ray machine sobbing hysterically and shrieking because he just couldn’t handle any more. The x-rays made him gag, and his teeth hurt. The doctor WAS kind, soft spoken and patient. He was still a stranger though, and Seth’s brain started in with all of the scary thoughts, and it wasn’t long before Dr. Durr no longer looked like himself and instead began to resemble those awful people who’d hurt him for so long. His mother, true to her word, never left his side, and once Roman was finished he stood outside the exam room door and tried to talk to Seth, but at that point, he was beyond being reasoned with anymore._

_Finally Lily sat down on the floor where Seth could see her but couldn’t quite touch her and held out her arms._

_“They’re all gone. It’s just me and you, bub. Come here.”_

_The screaming in his head began to quiet and his eyes began to focus again and he was exhausted suddenly. As his panic began to slowly subside, nothing seemed better than Mama holding him, so he slowly crawled to her and onto her lap. The second he did, she praised him._

_“Good boy. That’s a good boy, bub. That’s it.”_

_“Home? Please home?” It was all Seth was able to utter._

_“Shhh...soon. We gotta calm down. Can you take a big breath for me?”_

_He tried but it was mostly sniffles and hiccups, though he could feel her arms tight around him and he knew, then, that he was safe again._

_“No more?”_

_It was a desperate request._

_“No more. Not today. Right now you’re done. We’re gonna calm down a little bit and then we’re going home.”_

_Seth finally managed to bury his face into the crook of his mother’s armpit and allowed himself to be comforted until he could get to his feet and Mama led him and his brothers out to the Highlander. He was too spent to connect right then that ‘no more today’ meant he definitely wasn’t done, but right then he just wanted his blanket and his mother’s lap…_

Seth jerked awake, not at all sure where THAT dream had come from. Damn, that’d been awful. He’d ended up with roughly a dozen cavities and when the time came to fix them, his parents and the dentist agreed that it would be better if they put him under and knocked it at out all at once. Everything had gotten fixed, of course, but it had been painful and Seth resolved early on to learn to take excellent care of his teeth so that he’d never have to go through that again. 

And over the course of the next five and a half years, going to the dentist, as most things did, grew easier. He never had another cavity and cleanings typically took less than 30 minutes because he was meticulous about brushing and flossing.

The clock by his bed read 4:30 am and Seth settled back against his pillows, content that his dream had just been one of those things. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply and he was just about asleep again when a bolt of electricity surged through his face.

He realized then what that dream had been about.

Seth had a toothache.


	151. Happy Mother's Day

The Friday evening before Mother’s Day found Lily in a rather familiar, though increasingly unusual, position.

And while familiar, it was also slightly different. 

She was relaxing on the couch with all three of her boys piled on top of her. Seth was sprawled across her lap, sound asleep. Dean occupied her left shoulder and he too was snoring softly, while Roman laid his head on her right. He was awake but settled; eyes open but just resting and every so often he’d sigh. The new addition, Little Finn, napped on her chest.

“You going to bed?” Tony appeared in the doorway, gazing at his family with a massive grin on his face.

“I don’t think I’m allowed to move,” she replied with a smile of her own. 

“Well...don’t ever think a time will come when they won’t need their mother,” Tony came into the room then and Roman mumbled softly,

“We always need you.”

“Oh, kiddo,” Lily murmured. “I know. I know and I’m glad, I just….I like it better when everybody is happy, that’s all.”

“Is every one of us being happy at the same time really a thing anymore?” Roman wondered, and Lily’s heart broke a little.

“Of course it is. You guys are happy all the time. It’s just been a rough week, baby.”

Indeed, it had been a rough week. Seth’s confession first thing last Friday morning had resulted in a trip to the dentist, of course, which was a typical spectacle. Seth himself had actually done extremely well during the exam; he’d told Lily he could go back by himself and that she could wait in the waiting room with Finn.

She did, and when she was called back to visit with the doctor, Seth had maybe a slight tremor but otherwise appeared none the worse for wear. Except…

“Seth has a pretty large abscess right here,” Dr. Durr explained, pointing at a spot on an x-ray that Lily recognized as teeth, but nothing else about it made much sense.

“Okay…” she trailed off, waiting.

“He’s going to need a root canal,” the dentist went on. “I’m going to prescribe him a round of antibiotics that he needs to start today. I’m not sure when we’ll be able to get him in for the procedure but we need to discuss what options we have for you, Seth, as far as keeping this as low-stress as possible.”

It definitely wasn’t that Lily found fault in this logic, but she was concerned about what the plan might be. In the end they agreed that Seth would have a sedative pill prior to the procedure and then be given novocaine. It worked fine; Seth was unhappy during the root canal but he remained calm and semi-relaxed, but once it was over, he was shaky and his mouth hurt.

That evening Tony managed to convince their youngest to eat some yogurt and soup and take some Motrin, but it wasn’t long before he collapsed into a heap on his mother’s lap and promptly fell asleep. Lily herself was exhausted just from that, but it only got worse from there. 

Hard as it was to watch Seth in physical pain, Dean and Roman were both in varying degrees of emotional angst, and that was always more difficult.

Poor Dean had been struggling to begin with, as Finn seemed to have caught a cold. He woke up Monday morning clingy and miserable. It began with a cough that escalated into sneezing and a beet red nose from all the wiping. Within a day he’d passed it to his daddy, who didn’t want to miss school so close to the end of the year, so he pillaged on, but Dean clearly felt worse than Finn. Neither of them was happy; Finn was grumpy and Dean was exhausted, and then it all peaked with drainage coming out of Finn’s ears.

Now, of course, the baby had tubes so really, fluid draining from his ears was exactly what was supposed to happen. But Dean, unprepared, freaked out anyway.

“Mom! Dad! We need to go to the emergency room!” Dean had flung himself into their bedroom Wednesday night, holding his crying son tightly to his chest.

Tony immediately leaped to his feet.

“What? Why? What is it, Dean?”

“Look. Look at this stuff coming out of his ears; I think his eardrum ruptured. Come on, we have to---”

At that point Lily stood too, gently pried Finn from Dean’s grasp, passed the baby to Tony, and wrapped her arms around her son.

“Shhhhhh,” she murmured in an attempt to calm him. “Slow down, sweetie. Take a breath and tell us what’s happening.”

Dean did, and immediately broke down into a fit of coughing. Tony and Lily traded places. Tony guided Dean to the bed and offered him water, and Lily looked Finn over. He did in fact have a sort of brownish gunk building up in his right ear, but it wasn’t cloudy or bleeding and Lily was pretty sure this was normal.

“Sweetie, I think this is what the tubes are SUPPOSED to do,” she began but Dean vehemently shook his head.

“This CAN’T be right,” he argued, wiping his nose. 

“Son, I think Mom is right,” Tony had stepped into the bathroom and returned with a warm, damp cloth. “Dr. Martin said it might drain.”

“And we want it to drain,” Lily was calmly rubbing Dean’s back. “That’s what keeps it out of the ear canal.”

Dean visibly relaxed. 

“Yeah...yeah,” he mumbled, pressing his face against Lily’s neck for a moment. “I do remember that, yeah, I just...I saw it and I panicked…”

Tony joined the embrace. 

“It’s easy to panic. He’s your first and everything is a new experience, you know?”

Dean nodded.

“Sometimes it’s still really hard. Like I’m still freaked out that he hasn’t crawled yet but Dr. Elliott has told me over and over that it’s okay. But I just can’t help it. Am I ever going to stop worrying that I’m going to somehow screw him up?”

“Never,” Lily replied at the exact time Tony snorted, “Nope.”

Dean laughed a little.

“Okay,” he said with a shaky sigh. “Then as long as he doesn’t have a fever I guess I won’t haul him in just yet.”

“He appreciates that,” Tony squeezed them all a little tighter. “I know sometimes it’s hard to know what’s an emergency too. That comes with experience.”

“And sometimes it doesn’t,” Lily smiled. “Have I ever told you about the time I broke my wrist?”

“No…”

“I was eight. I’d been riding my bike with no hands and of course I crashed it, right? So your Nana wrapped some ice in a towel and settled me down on the couch but she and Granddad had plans that night, so they left me with Tom and Shawn. Not a clue anything was wrong until the next morning, I told her I didn’t think I’d be able to go to school because I didn’t think I could hold my pencil.”

Dean snorted.

“Seriously?”

“Cross my heart,” Lily made an X over her chest. “Poor Nana felt so bad. But I survived it.”

Dean calmed down after that, but a series of nearly sleepless nights, combined with feeling miserable himself, compounded when he and Clarissa had their very first argument.

Dean cracked.

Lily was made aware of this when Roman came into the kitchen Thursday night carrying Finn. At first the sight made Lily smile; it was good to see Roman up moving around but the look on his face was puzzled.

“Mom? Dean’s all curled up under a blanket on his bed and he swears he’s never coming out. And I think he’s been crying.”

Lily and Tony exchanged looks.

“Now that sounds like the Dean of old,” Tony remarked and Lily would have giggled, except Dean had grown up so much in the last year that it really wasn’t like him to be quite so dramatic anymore.

“I’ll go check on him,” she began but Tony stood up.

“Nah, I’ve got him.”

Later that evening, after sitting at Roman’s bedside until he fell asleep, Lily waited while Tony explained.

“She doesn’t want Dean to meet her family,” Tony revealed. 

“That’s...hmmm…” Lily mused. “Did she tell him why?”

“He said she just kept saying it wasn’t the right time yet. So of course, he interprets that as he’s not good enough for them or for some reason they won’t accept him. Because in his 18-year-old brain it’s got nothing to do with them and everything to do with him.”

“Oh poor sweetie,” she murmured. “Why are kids so bad at relationships?”

Tony grinned and nudged her.

“Because they have no real experience yet. Plus last time Dean got rejected in the worst possible way so of course he’s freaking out.”

“I guess I get it. What did you tell him?”

“I told him that her not wanting him to meet her family probably means she’s embarrassed by THEM, not him. I don’t know why that would be but that seems most plausible at this point.”

“So is he okay?”

“He’s asleep. The other thing I told him was that he owes it to himself to rest up and wait and discuss this with Clarissa when he’s feeling better. He’s too tired and irritable to have a normal conversation.”

Finn and Dean made it through that night, of course, and the next one, and by Friday evening both were sleepy but doing considerably better. Dean, it seemed, had agreed with his father and decided to just leave his situation with Clarissa alone for now, proclaiming, 

“I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. We’ve both got baggage.”

So Seth and Dean were on the mend and just in need of some quiet family time.

But Roman...oh, Roman.

Lily had been torn about the entire Lisa situation all along. In her own heart she knew she would never forgive that woman. She would always, always be thankful. But she would never be able to forgive her for all of the pain that she’d put that little boy through. However. She accepted it. And she accepted that first of all, her own forgiveness wasn’t what Lisa was seeking. Second of all, it made no difference in the long run if Lily ever forgave Lisa. It wasn’t about her. It was about Roman, and what he stood to gain or lose.

He’d been all prepared to meet with Lisa last weekend. He’d talked with Lily and Tony at length. He knew exactly what he wanted to say, exactly what he was hoping he’d hear, and he was ready for closure. 

To be perfectly honest, Lily was ready for closure as well. She felt that way with all three of the kids. It certainly wasn’t that she wanted the boys’ biological parents to die, or have any sort of harm come to them, and Roman was almost 19, for Heaven’s sake. He’d been legally adopted and he was now legally an adult. He was a Girardi forever and nothing could change that. But somewhere in the recesses of Lily’s mind, Lisa Reigns would always represent a time when that was in jeopardy.

So while Lily didn’t want Lisa to die, she also was just a little relieved. She battled with guilt but she couldn’t help it. And really, if Lisa was going to die either way, then allowing Roman to address some of the hurt she’d caused him and giving him the opportunity to set himself free by forgiving her, then wasn’t this the best case scenario?  
Except it didn’t happen that way. Not even close.

Early the Saturday before, one day prior to the Sunday that Roman and Lisa were to meet, Roman got a phone call.

“Is this Roman Reigns?”

“No,” Lily heard her son stammer. “I’m Roman...Roman Girardi. Who is this?”

Then he walked out of the room.

When he returned, his eyes were glassy and he shook. 

“What’s wrong, Roman?” Lily questioned, immediately aware that her voice sounded sharp.

Roman flinched.

“Lisa...Lisa just had a massive stroke,” he mumbled. Lily felt her heart sink.

No one spoke for a moment. Tony guided Roman to a chair and he slumped into it.

“She’s not dead,” he mumbled finally. “Not yet. But...but her brain...she’s on life support.”

“Wow, Ro,” Lily murmured. “How do...how do you feel about that?”

“How’m I supposed to feel?” Roman replied, voice still dull, not meeting her eyes.

“There’s not a right or wrong way to feel, Roman; you know that,” Tony interjected. 

Finally Roman let out a sharp, angry laugh. 

“No? How about this, then? She named me next of kin. Which means I’ve got to be the one to decide when to pull the plug.”

If Lily’s heart was sunk before, now it sank even further towards the ground. There it was. The absolute last way that Lisa could hurt Roman. Not only would he not be able to tell her his feelings one final time, he also would be the one to decide when she died. Anger flashed through Lily; was this dumb? Had it been on purpose? It had seemed to both her and Tony that Lisa’s recent change of heart had been on the up and up but to ask Roman to do such a thing...to claim he was her kin, even after all of it…  
She wondered if Lisa had considered the effect this would have on Roman, and to be honest, she wasn’t sure if she wanted the answer to be yes or no. Because if Lisa had only done it because she had to list someone so she put Roman down, that would be bad enough. But if she’d cursed Roman with this precarious position after considering that he’d have to carry that burden for the rest of his life, knowing how shaky their relationship was anyway...was she capable of being so cruel?

Lily had never considered Lisa to be terribly cruel. Selfish, and stubborn, and not terribly bright, but cruelty had never crossed her mind. Until now.

She gazed over at her son.

Roman’s face was pale and he shivered slightly; his eyes were dull. And Lily was hit with the startling realization that this past 12 months had been brutal for Roman. It wasn’t that she hadn’t known that; of course she’d known it but now, looking him over, it began to take form in her mind. This wasn’t HER Roman anymore. He fought hard, always, to do the right thing and make the right choice but from Megan’s leukemia to his uncertain college football career to his shoulder injury and surgery to Lisa resurfacing to now. 

How much more could he take?

Even now, face void of emotion, he just stared straight forward. Tony tried to rub his arm and Roman didn’t even act like he could feel it. What must be running through his mind right now?

Lily knelt down in front of him and took his shaking hands into hers.

“Roman.”

He jerked his head towards her a little, but didn’t really reply, so she tried again.

“Roman Nicholas. Look at me, please.”

That seemed to snap him out of his trance just a little, grey eyes now trained upon her face.

“Take a deep breath,” she instructed, and Roman did.

“You don’t have to make this choice,” Lily continued quietly. Her baby immediately began to argue.

“Yes. Yes, I do because if I don’t---”

“No, listen---” Lily tried again but Roman leaped to his feet.

“No, YOU listen!” His voice broke. “How...I c-can’t just...let her...rot at the hospital but if I...then I’ve...it’s because I killed h-her.”

Forget sinking. Right then, Lily’s heart practically snapped in half. She and Tony both converged on their boy, wrapping him up in their warmth and attempting to protect him   
with their love but by the desperation in Roman’s sobs, Lily knew that this time, it wasn’t going to be enough.

He eventually cried himself to sleep right there where he sat.

The next morning he went out to the hospital by himself. Lily had strongly protested this, insisting that he’d need the support of his family but Roman held firm. He just didn’t want anyone to bear witness to what he insisted he had to do. 

But he wasn’t a child anymore. She couldn’t force him to allow her along and she wouldn’t have anyway. Roman had to make a choice and Lily had to like it or not.  
When he arrived home several hours later, he went straight to his bedroom and closed the door. His parents exchanged a glance. Then Lily quietly followed him.

“Ro?” 

Her knock went unanswered but she somehow knew that she would not be unwelcome if she joined him, so she slowly opened his door. Roman was curled up on his bed hugging a pillow. Lily sat down beside him. Before she could even ask any questions, her son spoke.

“I didn’t know what else to do,” his voice was quiet but solid. “She looked...dead. Like...you could just tell that there was no bringing her back, and even if I could...it wouldn’t have been fair. To do that, to make her keep suffering just so I could tell her…”

His voice broke. Lily rested a hand on his side but didn’t speak.

“I don’t think...that she could hear me. But I said it anyway. I, um...I held her hand. She probably doesn’t know that but it didn’t seem right to just sit there and watch her die. And I told her that I forgive her. That I get that she didn’t mean for me to get hurt. And...and that I’m so thankful for the life I have now. And then a nurse turned off one of the machines. It took almost an hour for her to...to pass? Is that the word?”

Roman was crying openly now and Lily’s heart was full of both pain and pride. She got up and went around his bed and sat with her arms out so that he could scootch up close to her. He paused a few moments before continuing, but Lily didn’t say a word. She simply hugged her son and smoothed his hair until he could once again find his voice.

“It was peaceful,” Roman finally went on. “I don’t think she suffered. They said it...it was the chemo. I mean the doctor talked to me. She was definitely dying, and I don’t even know why she kept up with the chemo but her body just couldn’t handle it anymore and she stroked out. He said she probably didn’t even know what hit her before she was basically gone.”

Lily drew in a deep breath, considering her words carefully. After pressing her lips to Roman’s forehead for a moment, she murmured,

“Dumb question, kiddo. But I have to ask. Where’s your head at after all this? How do you feel?”

“Like I just want to go to sleep and not think,” Roman’s response was immediate.

“Yeah, I’ll bet that’s true. But like...okay. First of all, I’m so, so, so proud of you. I can’t even fathom having to do this. Your maturity is unbelievable and I just...I just don’t know what to even say. This is unchartered territory for me, kiddo, I’ve never...wow.”

“Mom,” Roman interrupted. “It’s okay. You don’t have to know what to say. I don’t even know what I need to hear right now. Like part of me isn’t sure it even all happened, but I know it did.”

Lily smiled at him gently.

“Well, how about I begin with this,” she pressed her forehead against her boy’s.

“I love you, Roman Nicholas. I love you so much, and I hope you never ever get tired of hearing it, because as long as we both live, I’ll never tire of saying it.”

He rested his face against her for a moment then, and he was still crying a little, but his shoulders slouched and Lily realized that he’d let out some of the tension he’d been holding onto.

It took a minute or two, but soon enough, Roman turned his tear-stained face to his mother and attempted a small smile.

“That was the best place you could possibly start,” he whispered.

That’s how Lily came, two days before Mother’s Day, to be under a pile of boys on her couch. Roman was still dazed from the whole situation but he did seem to be feeling slightly better, and she knew that with some additional TLC eventually all three (four?) of her boys would work themselves out.

Two days later, on Mother’s Day, Lily woke up late to a quiet house. 

A quiet house was NEVER the norm these days, with the boys going in all different directions and a baby who had long ago discovered his voice, so Lily took a few moments to revel in it and relax for a few moments. There were birthdays and graduations coming up, she still, for the life of her, had no idea what was an appropriate 25th anniversary gift for her husband. Tony gave her so much over the course of their lives together that she couldn’t think of anything good enough for him. And she only had another week to think about it.

However, her thoughts shifted when she heard a soft tap on the door.

“Mom?” Seth poked his head in. “Happy Mother’s Day.”

“Thanks, bub,” Lily smiled fondly at her youngest. “C’mere.”

Seth happily darted over and allowed himself to be pulled into her embrace. Lily smiled wider; nearly 18 but by now she knew that this one would never turn down a good hug or snuggle.

“How do your teeth feel today?”

“Okay,” Seth confided. “Only a little sore. We made you breakfast and it’s ready. Want me to bring you breakfast in bed?”

Lily laughed.

“Nah, it’s okay, I’m awake. I’ll get up. What did you make me?”

“Dad made waffles and I made ham frittata and Roman made fruit salad. And Dean put bacon on the pan.”

“Sounds amazing. Hand me my robe, huh, bub?”

They all seemed a little bit better that morning, and gazed around the table at all of her boys, a feeling of contentment washing over her. They’d make it. Rough week or not, they were all going to be just fine.


	152. Let's Party

The life-altering news came a few days after Mother’s Day. Seth was offered his very first job.

He knew he’d need to work over the summer and probably once he started college, because while he was thankful his parents were going to keep a roof over his head, he also was very, very much hoping that he and Valentino would be able to move in together. And that required money.

It had never been discussed, but it seemed like an unspoken rule that the boys could live in their parents’ home for as long as they wanted or needed to, but once they moved out, they’d be on their own. Lily and Tony would NEVER abandon any of them, of course, but it was reasonable for them to expect their sons to be able to finance their own lives eventually.

With that in mind, Seth began researching and quickly discovered that the community center was hiring for their summer programs. He fondly remembered participating in some of those very same programs with his brothers when they’d been younger. It was set up in such a way that the kids could kind of pick and choose how their day went, and so most summers, they’d signed up for a combination of basketball and other physical activities. 

They hadn’t gone since their mother retired, plus they were all old enough that they didn’t need supervision anymore. But these were programs that Seth believed in, that he knew benefitted numerous kids who otherwise might not be able to stay out of trouble all summer, so when he discovered there were opportunities for employment, he jumped at the chance.

And then he learned that they had openings for the summer drama camp.

Seth had no experience with kids other than Finn, and he wasn’t sure Finn even really counted, but he applied anyway. So did Valentino, and both were thrilled when both got hired.

The hours were flexible; the camp ran from the day after Memorial Day to mid-August with two plays and opportunities for mini productions such as monologues and duets. Seth would be able to work the last week in May, all of June, and parts of July while still going on the annual family pilgrimage to Galveston plus whatever their parents had planned for their Famiversary, and the money was pretty good. He figured he could put quite a bit in the bank, and if it went well maybe he could even stay on as part time staff once school started. 

It was exciting, but perhaps more exciting was that after months of planning, it was nearly time for their parents’ anniversary party and Seth was resolutely certain that his mother had NO idea about any of it.

Actually, he wasn’t even sure she’d remembered her anniversary at all because when he had asked her about it a few days earlier, specifically if she had any ideas for their dad’s gift, she’d gotten a sort of deer-in-the-headlights look about her and muttered something about getting out to the mall soon.

He and his brothers had each shelled out $50 so that their parents could have a date night at a nice restaurant, and then he and Vali had found matching his and hers travel pillows at the mall, so they bought them with the intention of telling them they could take them on their flight to Paris. Seth was confident they’d be thrilled.

The night before the party, Dad and Dean were at the venue hanging the photos. The frames had been stored at Megan’s house until then, and in order to prevent Lily from getting too curious, Roman and Megan had taken her out for dinner and to see a movie. This outing had been their Mother’s Day gift to her, and they had similar plans for Megan’s mother, so there would be no suspicion on Lily’s part. That left Seth and Vali to babysit Finn.

This was a task Seth would never tire of; his nephew was at a ridiculously fun age. He thought absolutely everything was hilarious but he wasn’t quite mobile yet, and it seemed like every single day he was discovering something new. He loved playing with Pippi, going to Gymboree, hanging out with Lucy, and anything related to animals. He also enjoyed trying new foods. And that evening, he’d been given chunks of frozen watermelon in his mesh feeder.

It was drippy and messy, and the baby was having a ball. He’d nibble at it, then squeeze it, and by then it was thawed enough to drip down all over his face, which would make him crack up. 

Before long Seth could tell that the sticky one would need a bath, so he left him with Valentino long enough to get warm soapy water in the tub, but what he returned to made his heart melt. Vali had lifted Finn into his lap, and Finn was reaching for Valentino’s hair while planting sticky open-mouthed kisses on his cheeks. Vali was giggling like a little boy, and the whole thing made Seth slightly giddy.

“Ahem,” he said, pretending to clear his throat. “I thought you said this baby hates you.”

“Yeah, well,” Vali snorted, which made Finn laugh, which made all three of them laugh. “Maybe his good taste just took time to develop.”

In truth, Seth had wondered what it had been about Vali that made Finn uneasy in the beginning. He fleetingly wondered if babies could be racist, though he squashed that thought immediately because how stupid. It just didn’t make sense to him in the slightest though; Finn adored Megan and Clarissa, but when Seth talked to his mother about it she brought up a curious point.

“I think he just doesn’t want to share you, bub.”

Seth wondered if that was even possible at Finn’s age. Could a child so young feel jealousy? Vali had been a part of his life since he was tiny…

But now, as he watched his boyfriend and his nephew together, none of that seemed to matter anymore.

Valentino helped bathe Finn that night and then the three of them sat on Dean’s bed. Seth cuddled the now sleepy baby on his shoulder. Vali had one arm draped around them both and Seth leaned into him as he read, “If You Give a Moose a Muffin.”

By the time the book was finished Finn was fast asleep, but Seth had no desire to move from his spot. Especially when he glanced up and saw the dreamy look in his beloved’s eyes.

“What’re you thinking about?” Seth wondered softly, and Vali let out a content sigh.

“How good it feels to sit here with my arm around you. And how nice it is to be reading bedtime stories and putting little ones to bed. Seth...we could do this someday. Someday we could be so good at this.”

Normally this was where Seth would begin to protest, that his future was uncertain enough without adding babies and other unknowns to it. But there was something about this now, something deep in Seth’s heart that told him that Valentino was right.  
Maybe Seth could be a father someday. A good one, even. Maybe a marriage and a family and true happiness was more than just a pipe dream. Maybe...just maybe…

 

________________________________________________

 

Dean understood that life could be funny but sometimes it still baffled him.

First of all there was Finn crawling. He’d spent hours agonizing over it, regardless of virtually every adult in his life telling him to relax. He did everything he could think of to encourage his son to move. They’d practice in Gymboree. Finn loved tummy time and Dean would gently lift him into a crawling position. Then Finn would rock back and forth squealing until his arms and legs simply gave out, and then he’d belly flop. Sometimes he’d laugh and sometimes he’d howl; it always seemed to depend upon how Dean himself reacted. 

If Dean shook it off, or better, didn’t even notice, Finn was quick to roll back to a sitting position and maintain his jovial air. However, if Dean startled, the baby would usually begin to wail. He tried his best to keep himself neutral, but watching the little guy fail or worse, potentially harm himself, was the hardest thing in the world.

Dean definitely didn’t want Finn to grow up to be a wuss. But he also wanted him to always know that his daddy would be there to comfort him and make things all better. It was kind of a fine line, but ultimately he knew that baby snuggles wouldn’t last forever and there would be plenty of time for tough love later.

So admittedly, on Saturday morning, the morning of his mother’s surprise anniversary party, he wasn’t paying as close attention to his son as he maybe normally would have while they played together in the living room. He was distracted, and it was all Clarissa’s fault. They still really hadn’t talked about her clear lack of desire to have Dean meet her family (or anything else lately honestly) and while he wasn’t at all sure what to think about that, he was leaning towards insulted.

After all, she wasn’t perfect but he hadn’t hesitated to bring her into the Girardi home and she’d fit right in.

He’d always known she would.

At first he’d tried to put up a front, because if she was so embarrassed by him then who needed her anyway? But the truth was, he missed her. He missed talking to her. He missed Lucy. And he missed having the perspective of someone his own age, someone who got him. 

Even his own parents didn’t really get it, because they’d never raised a baby. And it was hard for him to broach that topic with them knowing that even now, it was still a little bit painful.

But Clarissa knew, and for the life of him, Dean couldn’t figure any of this out. She couldn’t possibly need to hide Finn. Not when she had Lucy. Surely they wouldn’t judge him over that. He knew he wasn’t the best student ever but while they rarely discussed classes, he knew that Clarissa wasn’t great at school either, so surely that had nothing to do with this either. How could it? But then, if it wasn’t either of those things, he had no other ideas. His parents were respectable. Neither of his brothers were troublemakers. The only black spot on his history that he could think of was---

Well of course. Shelby and Brad. 

Clarissa knew most of the details surrounding Dean’s adoption and the things he’d been through before and since. She’d never once acted as though she thought less of him and why would she; she was adopted as well. But she didn’t know anything about her biological family and here Dean was, direct descendants of trash. It had never before occurred to him to be embarrassed about his beginnings. He’d been a child. He couldn’t control it. And now, despite his misgivings, with the support of a loving family he thought he was doing pretty well. But maybe those beginnings actually mattered to Clarissa. Maybe they would matter to her family. God, why did it have to be so complicated? In the back of his mind he recognized how ridiculous he was thinking, but in the forefront of his mind he couldn’t help it.

In the midst of his brooding he was vaguely aware of Pippi trotting into the living room, because no matter how broody you are, it’s hard not to notice a wet nose pressing into your elbow, and the presence of the dog made Dean look up. That’s when he noticed Finn. The baby had managed to get into that all-fours crawling position---all on his own.

This had never happened before, so Dean watched closely after that.

He only wobbled a little and then a strange thing happened. Pippi ran around behind him, and poked his little diapered rear end with her nose. Finn completely wiped out. Dean held his breath.

There was no cry, though; no indignant shriek of humiliation so he continued to watch as his son heaved himself back to his hands and knees---and again, Pippi ran around behind him and gave him a small push with her nose.

This happened three more times and Dean was just about to call the puppy off, because seriously? He wasn’t sure what was even going on here but then---it happened.

Finn didn’t sound nearly as happy anymore as he hoisted himself up onto his hands and knees once more; in fact, he was whining a little but still completely determined and this time his tiny right hand reached forward and grasped the carpet. Pippi did her thing, slower this time, and Finn managed to slide a leg forward. 

Both of them froze for a split second before the baby carefully repeated the pattern with his left side and before Dean could even comprehend what was happening, there was Finn, a full inch forward from where he’d been just moments prior.

He repeated the movements, first right, then left. Dean sat silently, but slowly withdrew his phone from his pocket.

Finn made it about 6 more inches forward before his exhausted limbs simply gave out and when they did, a loud indignant cry began to rise up from the carpet. But Dean was there in less than a second, scooping his son into his arms and holding him close.

“You did it, buddy,” he whispered. “You finally did it.”

It didn’t take long for Finn to fall asleep snuggled up in his daddy’s arms, but that was just fine with Dean. In fact, it was welcome. He stared down into his boy’s angelic face and let out a content sigh. 

Would Finn ever reach a point where he had to worry that his upbringing was cause for humiliation? Dean knew he’d do everything in his power to prevent it.

 

______________________________________________

 

In almost 25 years of marriage it never ceased to amaze Lily how attentive, thoughtful, and generous her husband was; while far from perfect, she couldn’t deny that he was perfect for her. However, that morning, exactly one week before their 25th anniversary, he was REALLY ticking her off.

She had a TON of things to do that day. The to-do list seemed as though it would never end. They had a double graduation party to plan. Cake to order. A menu to prepare. Roughly 75 people had already responded that they would be there to celebrate Dean and Seth taking the next step in their lives, and Lily was stressed. She knew that getting them to compromise on food should be okay but there was bound to be conflict over the cakes. Almost immediately after graduation, Roman and Seth would have birthdays. Gifts needed to be purchased, and because Seth was turning 18, he’d been given the option of choosing a special way to celebrate. After all, Roman had taken friends, cousins, and brothers to Six Flags the year before, and Dean had gotten a ski trip. Seth, though generally lower maintenance when it came to events like this, took forever to decide that he wanted a family dinner at Buca di Beppo, then go with his brothers, their significant others, his boyfriend, and a few friends to the Escape Room.  
The Escape Room was a place in town that you literally had to think your way out of. There would be 10 of them going and they’d be on two teams, and each team would be locked into a room with clues but they had to solve the clues in a certain amount of time in order to get out of the room and win the game. 

It DID sound fun to Lily, and she knew it was right up Seth’s alley, so she and Tony happily agreed to shell out the money so that their youngest could have a memorable 18th birthday.

That also had to be reserved, which was on The List, and then later that afternoon, although she couldn’t for the life of her figure out why, she’d agreed to go to the mall with Megan. Clarissa was supposed to join them but with her relationship with Dean in its current state, Lily wasn’t at all sure she’d show up. She couldn’t worry about that now, though. She and Meg could get some birthday and graduation gifts knocked out and if a manicure happened to take place, ah, well, so what?  
However, before she got that far, she knew she needed to sort out everything else so she was utterly dismayed when she got a text from her husband shortly after she finished putting away the breakfast dishes.

_Think I’m gonna go golfing with Pete. See you tonight! Hey, what’s for dinner?_

Lily groaned. There may have been a curse word in that groan.

_Babe, we’ve got so much to do today. Can you possibly golf tomorrow?_

She hadn’t even THOUGHT of dinner. 

_No can do, babe. Pete’s headed to Quantico in the morning. He and Meredith had a fight. I think he needs to blow off some steam and that’s what friends are for, right?_

Ordinarily Lily would be in total agreement; if Cici or one of her close friends needed her, she’d definitely do what she could. But did Pete HAVE to have a crisis right now?

We just need to get through the next three weeks, she reminded herself. Then we’ll be back to normal. 

It did appear as though the summer would be fairly tame. Seth would be working (WHEN did he grow up?), and Dean had agreed to teach Daddy Boot Camp. It was the same course he had passed with flying colors the year before. He’d take Finn with him two evenings a week and he would mentor new fathers. The thought of this made Lily smile. 

Although Dean had been accepted at the University of Houston, she knew he still had no real idea of what he wanted to actually study. That was fine for now; general education requirements could take up to two years to complete, but eventually he’d have to decide on something. In her mind, Lily was kind of hoping he’d get a business degree so he could perhaps make a go of photography, but the sky was the limit for Dean. She only hoped he wouldn’t get frustrated along the way.  
With a sigh, Lily resigned herself to whittling down her list alone and began making phone calls. She called Dean and Seth in and together they agreed upon a menu for their graduation party. 

Truthfully, deciding on food was the easy part. Although Dean was pickier, Seth liked about everything and they would need so much food that deciding on a menu that would appease them both was painless. There would be sandwich platters and veggie trays, crock pots of queso, chips, ham rolls, fruit salad, marshmallow cream cheese dip, sausage balls, and various other finger foods. 

This went well until they began a tiff over what the cake should look like. At first Dean demanded a graduation cap shaped cake, until Seth pointed out that black icing tasted terrible. He was in favor of something more simple, devil’s food with white buttercream. 

“Okay, you’re right, but I don’t want something with flowers or anything flufffy,” Dean argued back. “And I don’t even LIKE buttercream. I want it whipped and I like white cake best.”

“It’s BAKERY buttercream,” Seth rebutted. “Not like from the grocery store. And Dean---c’mon---chocolate...”

“I don’t care, I don’t like it,” said Dean. “More people like white cake anyway. And besides, tell the truth, how many years did all of us wonder if I would even MAKE it to graduation? I want my cake to be graduation themed!” 

Lily thought he kind of did have a point, so she threw out a compromise.

“What if I can find cake trays that are shaped like graduation caps? I’m sure that we can order square cakes and then you can each get one exactly how you want it.”

As luck would have it, a Google search revealed that several companies sold cap-shaped stands, so with dimensions in hand, Lily and Dean drove off to Baked, and Seth went to the Escape Room with a deposit check in hand.

Two hours later Lily and Dean returned and Dean was thrilled; not only was he getting a white cake with whipped frosting, his cake would say “Congratulations, Dean” with the year on it and a huge black plastic graduation cap complete with a black and gold tassel (these were the Creek Ridge colors). Seth’s would be the same shape and have similar decorations but his would be devil’s food with marshmallow buttercream. Then, to be safe, they also ordered four dozen cupcakes. Dean perused a book of flavors and decided on 24 pineapple with white icing and 24 mocha with chocolate icing. Both knew Seth would be on board with this. They also ordered 6 dozen sugar cookies in all kinds of shapes and to be frosted in Creek Ridge colors. Graduation, it seemed, was covered.

When Seth returned he was practically giddy. 

“It’s gonna be so much fun, Mom!” The boy was practically squealing. Lily only smiled.

Around 1, with a rough idea of what Roman and Seth would like for their birthdays, Lily headed to Megan’s and was pleasantly surprised to find Clarissa already there.

“Hey! Haven’t seen much of you lately!” Lily folded the girl into a hug, a hug that was obviously welcome.

“I know. I...it’s been a hard week.”

“It’s been a hard few weeks,” Lily agreed, offering her most genuine smile. “But it can always get better. I’m so glad you decided to join us.”

Any good girls only outing began at Starbucks of course, and then the three headed off to the mall.

It was fun. Both of the girls seemed relaxed. They discussed Megan’s successful first year of college and Clarissa’s senior year of high school. It was an easy kind of camaraderie and it wasn’t long before Lily realized that she’d forgotten all of her earlier stress, and she’d forgotten her annoyance at her husband.

They discussed the graduation plans (she was appalled to learn that Clarissa’s parents had no plans to celebrate her achievement and made a mental note to do something special for her). They shopped and laughed and teased each other, and they all left with new dresses, nails freshly painted, and hair styled. Lily relished this girl time. Not for the first time, she wondered if there would be granddaughters down the line or if she was destined to be surrounded by boys. She’d love them all no matter what of course. But a little girl in the family wouldn’t hurt anything. That’s when it hit her for the first time that she sincerely hoped Dean and Clarissa could make a go of it. Not only because she adored Clarissa so, but because she and Tony were both smitten with Lucy.

“We should get dinner,” Megan spoke up suddenly from the backseat.

Lily glanced over her shoulder, grinning. 

“I mean, we ARE all dolled up...why don’t you text Tony and tell him to figure out his own damn dinner. Where do you guys want to go?”

The girls exchanged a grin.

“Have you ever been to the Drury Inn downtown?” Clarissa piped up. “The restaurant in there is supposed to be really good.”

“I haven’t,” Lily mused. “But I’d be willing to try. Megan?”

“Works for me,” Megan replied, and the girls shared another smile, but Lily didn’t think twice about it.

They arrived at the hotel and Megan went up to the restaurant entrance while Lily and Clarissa chatted and it wasn’t long before the older girl came back.

“I guess they’re pretty busy tonight,” Megan reported. “They’re seating people in the ballroom.”

Now THAT seemed strange to Lily, but she brushed it off as they were escorted to the ballroom doors.

Upon them opening, the very first thing that struck Lily was the silence. For being carryover from a busy restaurant, she thought she could hear a pin drop. The second thing she realized was that the room was mostly dark. And then all at once her eyes landed on a most peculiar sight.

Little Finn was sitting on the floor smiling up at her and holding a stuffed poodle with a note tied around its neck.

She was taken aback and yet the most natural thing in the world seemed to be to crouch down at in front of him and hold out her arms. Finn giggled as she scooped him into her lap and sat snuggling him gently.

“What’ve you got here?” Lily quietly asked, as Finn dropped the stuffed dog into her lap. She didn’t notice that the rest of her family was gathering around, watching her interact with the baby. She simply took the note off of the toy and slowly opened it.

“What’s it say, Finny?” She slowly unfolded the paper and gasped when she read what it said.

Gigi, will you marry Papa again?

That’s when she looked up and realized that not only were their boys crowded around them, but Tony was directly in front of her---down on one knee.

It all hit her then and she laughed while tears filled her eyes.

“Seriously?” 

“So seriously,” he spoke softly. “Lu, the past 25 years…”

Tony trailed off as his voice broke. It took him a moment to compose himself before continuing,

“It hasn’t always been easy. And we’ve been through a lot. But right now I’m looking at you and I’m seeing our three incredible sons and the lives they’re building for themselves. I’m seeing our firstborn grandson, who lights up our lives every single day. And   
I’m thinking that I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s been some kind of ride, but no. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank my lucky stars that you walked into my life and it only keeps getting better. I love you more than I have words to say. Will you marry me? Again?”

Lily didn’t even bother to hide the tears flowing freely down her cheeks. Instead she handed baby Finn to whoever was closest, she wasn’t even sure who, and scrambled to her knees so she could take her husband’s hands. He, too, had tears in his eyes, a highly unusual occurrence, and Lily let it all wash over her. Everything that this incredible, loving, romantic man had done---and all for her.

Even if she’d WANTED to say no, she couldn’t have.

“Of course. Of course, I---I’d marry you a million times if I could.”

The entire room erupted in applause then and that’s when Lily realized that she’d been zoning out a huge party. As she allowed herself to take it in she saw that in addition to her boys, her parents, siblings from both sides, and multiple friends filled the space. 

“How long have you been planning this?” Lily breathed, just taking it in. 

“A bit. The boys helped. You really had no idea?”

She shook her head.

“I didn’t have a clue. But this looks...it’s just like our first wedding reception!”

Indeed it was. Round tables with purple flowers, lilies, because Tony had always sworn that those were his favorite, although he admitted he may be biased. Stunning photo galleries (their family photos) lined the walls and as Tony led Lily down a makeshift aisle to the Canon in D, a slideshow began to play in front of them. Original wedding photos, family photos, snapshots of their boys, even baby pictures. Even baby pictures of…

“Oh, Roman…” Lily breathed, as she stared up at a chubby-cheeked, raven-haired little cherub with a familiar concerned expression. She really began to cry then as she clung to Tony. 

“Yup. It’s Roman. Now you have a complete set,” Tony murmured into her ear. All she could do was nod.

They renewed their vows that night, through tears of joy, and they danced for hours. It was actually very much like their first wedding, except that this time she also danced multiple times with each of her sons. She even tangoed with Tony while they held Finn between them, and the baby had giggled contagiously. Lily was positively enchanted. The boys gave them a gift card to Amini’s, a fancy restaurant they loved, and there was a mass of small gifts before Tony handed her a box.

She shook it.

“What’s this?” Lily asked, barely able to comprehend that it just kept getting better.

“Well...turns out I lied,” Tony couldn’t contain his grin. 

“You lied about?” Lily prompted.

“There was no golf with Pete today,” he began mischievously. “I’ve actually been hiding at home packing. You’ll have to look over and make sure I got it right of course---”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Lily interrupted. “Packing? Packing for where?”

“Open the box,” Tony whispered. 

She did and when the contents fell out onto the table, she squealed.

Tickets. Tickets to---

“PARIS!” Lily screamed. Everyone laughed.

“Yes. Yes, I’ve been putting off taking you to Paris for far too long,” Tony kissed her. “And I’d say you’ve earned it. I know there’s a lot of stuff coming up but---”

“Stuff, hell, who cares! When are we leaving?” Lily demanded, amidst more chuckles from their family and friends.

“First thing in the morning,” Tony replied. “We’ll be gone for 10 days and get back just in time for graduation.”

Lily paused but then grinned. Paris with the love of her life? A greater gift, she could not think of.


	153. Responsibility

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ughhhhhhhh, y'all. Just ugh.
> 
> This is a short chapter, but I really wanted to give you SOMETHING since I've been slacking in the writing department. So here's a little teaser of Lily and Tony's trip and what's going on back home. I'm hoping to get a nice chunk done over the Christmas break but sadly, I can't promise. :(

Roman felt he had seriously lucked out.

Ten days, no parents, Dean and Seth in school. Of course he’d never been particularly rebellious, but still, it was nice to be able to come and go as he pleased. 

Unfortunately, he’d forgotten one key detail.

He’d agreed to watch Finn during the days while Dean was in class.

Now, this had its benefits, as his parents had given him their blessing to have Megan stay over so that she could help, with the understanding that they “be careful.” Neither of them really defined “careful” and Roman felt that as generally responsible adults, he and and his girlfriend could probably have some occasional intimacy without feeling guilty. Besides, no one would find out.

Finn had to nap sometimes, right?

It was warmer out these days, which meant Seth and Vali were spending more and more time at the treehouse, and Dean and Clarissa had apparently made up because the very first night, Sunday, his brother and nephew disappeared. Something about babies and parks and picnics. So with the house to themselves, Roman and Megan retired to his bedroom, sexy time most definitely on their minds.

It was on their minds again the next morning after Seth and Dean left. He and Megan had fun getting Finn dressed, feeding him breakfast, and playing with him, but mid-morning...the mood struck. So they gave Finn a bottle and tucked him to bed, fully intent on keeping themselves busy.

If only.

The baby had gone down for his nap, so Roman gently pushed Megan back onto the bed and smiled wickedly at her. She laughed.

“Coy,” she smirked. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Roman leaned into kiss her but was interrupted by a soft cry. Both of them froze.

Maybe he’d go back to---

A wail erupted from down the hall and Roman groaned. 

“Seriously? He’s been sleeping 15 minutes.”

“Was he really asleep?” Megan wondered.

“I thought he was. He was all cuddled up with his butt up in the air and his thumb in his mouth. But maybe he was playing possum. Should we wait and see what happens?”

Another loud wail a moment later decided for them. Finn was REALLY crying now so with a sigh Roman rolled off of Megan and pushed his hair back away from his face.

They rushed down the hall and were met with a horrific smell, one that could only indicate a huge blowout. Peeking into the crib confirmed Roman’s fear.

“Oh, wow,” Megan choked.

Finn had, for lack of a better term, exploded. There was runny poop everywhere, out the legs and up the back of his onesie, pooling in the mattress, and since the boy was mobile now he’d managed to scoot around and get it all over the crib and up the bars. Even his stuffed turtle was caked. The scent was nothing short of horrifying.

“I don’t even know what to DO right now,” Roman began. Megan burst out laughing.

“My God, I don’t either. But it’s good practice. Let’s...he’s gotta have a bath but we probably should rinse him first or he’s just gonna have a bunch of poopy water.”

Roman groaned again.

Finn continued to sit in the mess bawling and that snapped them both out of their stupor.

“Oh, little guy, it’s okay,” Megan crooned. “I’m going to get a towel from the laundry room, hang tight.”

“Hang on,” Roman soothed. “Hang on. I know this can’t be comfortable. Here…”

And ignoring the smell and the goo and the issue of sanitation, Roman leaned over the crib and began undoing Finn’s onesie so he could pick the baby up and at least attempt to comfort him. It was beginning to dawn on him that this wasn’t normal baby poop. This was extreme. What if Finn was sick? What if he was feeling cruddy and couldn’t understand why no one was even trying to make it better? Roman found an older receiving blanket and took off his own shirt, then peeled off Finn’s diaper (it wasn’t like it was doing any good anyway). He wrapped the sobbing infant in the blanket and then lifted him and held him.

He must’ve gone nose blind at some point, because suddenly it didn’t smell as intense anymore and Finn continued to mewl pitifully but the desperate sobs ceased almost as soon as he could rest his head on Roman’s shoulder.

“There. That better, bud? Don’t worry. Aunt Megan and I are going to get you cleaned up and then we can snuggle if you want. You’re okay. Yeah. Don’t be upset. Shit happens, right? Oops. Gigi doesn’t like it when we swear in front of you, does she. She’d say ‘Roman, language!’ Is that what she’d say?”

It was a reach, because Finn was still clearly uncomfortable, but Roman thought he detected a hint of a smile ghosting over his face, so he continued to baby talk as he carried his nephew to the bathroom. 

“Look,” he soothed as he started the water. “We’ll rinse you off and then you can take a nice long bath. That’s like your favorite thing, right? I wish you could tell me if anything feels bad. But since you can’t we’ll figure it out. Yeah. Auntie Meggie and I wll help you. We’re always going to help you. See? That’s better, huh.”

Finn’s skin was now clear of the nasty gunk so Roman sat him down and plugged up the tub. Then he turned around to see his girlfriend grinning at him from the doorway with an odd, starry expression on her face.

“Sometimes I just can’t wait to have babies with you,” Megan told him. “I can finish this up if you want to go wash up yourself.”

“I don’t think he feels well,” Roman said. “That’s not normal. But yeah...I got it on my hands and probably on my arms too. But I’m going to start soaking the sheets and his clothes quick first.”

Megan gave an approving nod and as Roman headed back towards Finn’s room, he distinctly heard Megan say to the now pacified baby,

“Your uncle is totally a keeper.”

 

_________________________________________

 

Paris was every bit as beautiful as Tony remembered. 

He’d been there a handful of times before now, once as a child, once in college, a few times with the FBI, but he’d never been there on what he would consider an actual vacation.

And he’d NEVER been there with his wife.

He knew that his wife had been there only once, shortly after she graduated from high school, and that she’d always wanted to go back.

And now here they were. 

They were standing on the balcony of their suite at the hotel he’d carefully selected. Their flight had landed about 3 pm local time and it was well after 4:30 when they arrived at their hotel but both agreed that they’d been on planes for what felt like forever and neither was really hungry yet, so they went for a walk. The temperature was brisk, in the mid-60’s, and they’d walked arm in arm. Neither said much but Tony didn’t miss the lovestruck look on his wife’s face.

Their walk ended with wine and pastries at a little bistro just down from their hotel, with the promise that they’d eat someplace fancier the next night after they’d had some sleep. 

He’d forgotten that you could literally see the Eiffel Tower from anywhere in the city, and he delighted in snapping pictures of Lily with it in the background, sometimes when she wasn’t even looking. How was this his life? He let his mind wander and began to wonder, not for the first time, how he’d gotten to be such a lucky man. Their marriage had not been easy in the beginning, when they’d had no money and were often apart while she was doing 36 hour rotations and he was training at Quantico. Then once they’d gotten more established and solid, infertility nearly ruined them. 

Tony knew it had been considerably harder on Lily than him, but that didn’t mean it had been simple. All of the years of waiting and wondering, of worrying and loss, and although he’d never once regretted their choice to be foster parents, that wasn’t an easy hand to play either. The miscarriages and losing the twins nearly made them give up. And even once they had their boys, there’d been a fair share of struggles. That, Tony knew, was part of the key to their achievement. But he also knew that while the rest of their lives may not be a cake walk, because who could say for sure what the future held, they’d make it through together. They’d survived too much together to ever be successful apart.

And he also knew that he didn’t have to worry about it. That was the absolute best part. 

His reverie broke moments later when he felt Lily wrap her arms around his waist.

“You’re deep in thought,” she observed, resting her head on his shoulder as they stared at the glittering Tower together. Dusk had arrived and the lights had just popped on.

“I was just thinking about how beautiful you are,” Tony smiled down at Lily and then he kissed her.

Lily kissed him back, but then she grinned.

“Liar,” she poked him playfully. “But it’s okay; I get the feeling I understand where you’re at right now. Because I’m feeling the same things but it’s all too much to put into adequate words. Twenty five YEARS, T.”

“Twenty five is a lot,” Tony agreed. “And I haven’t driven you crazy yet.”

“Oh, no, you drove me crazy a long time ago,” Lily corrected. “Crazy is just how I like it. Good thing too, with the life we’ve got. It feels weird being here without the boys. Think they’re doing okay?”

“I’m sure they’re just fine,” Tony tightened his grip around his wife. “And babe, I don’t want to be all like, let’s not even THINK about the kids, ‘cuz that’s not happening. But this is OUR trip. What do you want to do? You’ve got 10 days in Paris. You can do literally anything you want. What’s at the top of your list?”

“I’ve always wanted to see Moulin Rouge,” Lily answered immediately and Tony burst out laughing.

“That shouldn’t surprise me but somehow that’s the last thing I expected you to say,” he said with a smile. “But okay. Moulin Rouge for sure. Anything more traditional?”

Lily gazed out at the now lit up tower.

“Let’s go to the top of that,” she said dreamily.

“Okay. L’Ouvre?”

“No. Well. Yes, definitely, if there’s time. But I’ve been to the L’Ouvre. If I only get to see one museum, I want to go to Musée d’Orsay.”

“You can go to as many museums as you want, babe. There are zillions. I presume shopping is a must?”

“Ah, how well you know me,” Lily laughed. “I’m so glad we’re here, T. I love you so much.”

They slept in the next morning but awoke in time to get dressed and walk down to Champs-Elysées. It was one of the oldest avenues in the world and still boasted plenty of restaurants and shops, thought the only thing on Lily’s mind right off the bat was buying tickets to a cabaret at Le Lido.   
Lily and Tony would spend their days shopping and taking in the sights and visiting museums and art shows. Their nights, they took in shows and went to the top of the Eiffel Tower twice. It was glorious. And every so often, one of them would look fondly at the other and say,

“I wonder what the boys are doing right now.”

They’d agree that their children must be fine; their phone time was minimal but both knew they’d be contacted if anything went horribly wrong.

“They’re probably drowning in boredom,” Tony commented at one point.

He couldn’t have been more wrong.


	154. Blast from the Past

It started with a full body ache. Just an ache, the kind you sometimes get with a fever, though Dean didn’t have the chills or anything else that would indicate that his temperature was funky. 

He shrugged it off, mostly, because he didn’t feel BAD and besides, he didn’t have time for any nonsense.

For most of his senior year, he hadn’t been too terribly stressed when it came to getting his schoolwork done while raising a baby. There had, generally speaking, been plenty of time, though he knew that probably would not have been the case if it hadn’t been for his family. 

Now, though, he was beginning to stress.

He never had really reconciled with Clarissa, first of all. Oh, sure, they were back to getting along famously, which was nice. He just still had no true explanation for her behavior from a few weeks ago. He’d debated demanding a resolution, but the bottom line was, he didn’t want to fight with her. Dean was sure he wasn’t in love with her or anything like that, but he WAS beginning to feel emotions that he hadn’t felt since Jessie. That scared him a little, because it gave him a ridiculous feeling of ‘don’t screw this up’. So regardless of how he still felt a little niggle of uncertainty deep in his stomach when he remembered how standoffish Clarissa had been, he was willing to look past it.

For now.

Call him soft.

Anyway, he needed her at the moment, because with his parents on a different continent, his free babysitting was gone and he was overloaded. Roman was a tremendous help, Megan too, but he couldn’t rely on them for everything. Finn, although still his typical happy-go-lucky self, seemed to have developed a case of diarrhea, which required way more laundry than normal. It wasn’t fair to saddle his brother with this, although it just added to his list of things to do. 

And as much as Dean welcomed Roman’s assistance, Clarissa just understood. She had a kid and she was also finishing up high school, and although her own school’s senior requirements were considerably less stringent, she still got it. 

Dean knew he had four finals that would require some studying and he was WAY behind on his Senior service project. 

_Dean did his research. You were supposed to declare your project by the end of the first semester and after that you weren’t allowed to change it without the approval of a professor or administrator. The first thing he did was go to his homeroom teacher, who also had taught several of his science classes, and pitched his new idea. Mr. Markes sat quietly and thoughtfully while Dean spoke. He outlined everything he wanted to do, including how he intended to present the project to the Senior class._

_The teacher listened to what Dean had to say and even nodded occasionally. Once Dean was done speaking, he hesitated, waiting with baited breath to see how Mr. Markes would respond._

_After a pause, the professor looked at him._

_“Dean, I…” Mr. Markes stopped._

_“Is it---that bad?” Dean mumbled, staring down at his shoes._

_“Oh, no,” Mr. Markes stood abruptly. “No, that’s not it. I love it. I love the whole concept. I think this is extremely well-planned out and compelling. It’s just---Dean, I don’t know if you have enough time to complete it. I’m going to approve you changing your topic and I’m willing to give you a little bit of leeway on the rubric; I’m certain the rest of the committee will be in agreement. But you have roughly 5 weeks to get it done. We just can’t fudge the due date.”_

_Dean sat quietly for a moment before he spoke up._

_“I can do it,” he could hear the determination in his own voice. “I can get it done. And it’ll be fantastic, sir. I swear...I can do this.”_

Now, his confidence was wavering. He was down to the last two weeks and he was only maybe ⅔ finished. He knew he’d done quality work up to this point, though. Dean had been on a quest this year to get a solid A average. He knew a 4.0 was a bit much to ask even of himself, but something about having Finn had motivated him to give even that much more to everything. He’d even been awarded a full academic scholarship to the University of Houston, after his ACT score had wowed everyone in his entire family. Even though his GPA had been lower than average up to that point, when he’d written his admissions essay, he pointed out that now, he had something more important to work for than anything else ever in his life, and he was absolutely determined to get at least a 3.5 grade point.

But in order to do that, he’d need at least a B on his project.

And that was looking more and more impossible.

It was at that moment that Dean smelled something and a moment later his son let out a soft squeal.

With a sigh, he got up and peeked on Finn in his crib, groaning when he saw that once again, the baby had sprung a leak. 

“C’mon, little man,” Dean lifted the infant up and hugged on him. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

The little guy was apparently having tummy trouble, and Dean still felt a little under the weather himself.

It made him feel a little selfish, but he couldn’t help but wish that his parents had stuck with their original plan of going to Paris in June.

 

_____________________________________________

 

By mid-week, it was storming almost every day, sometimes more than once. This was typical for Houston in the spring, and Seth had long ago grown out of the paralyzing fear he used to experience whenever thunder and lightning were in the air. Still, as he sat in the kitchen in front of his laptop, putting the finishing touches on his final English paper, a huge explosion, signalling Mother Nature’s rage, made him jump just a little. He got up and went to the big bay window that looked out over the back of their property. Where it had once been sunny, now huge storm clouds billowed and a bolt of lightning lit up the sky. Seth shivered just a little.

Vali was on his way, and they were supposed to go for a short hike before coming back and making dinner for Dean, Roman, and Megan. Seth had even intended to strap Finn on with the baby carrier and tote him along, to give Dean some quiet time. Seth knew his brother was stressed and not feeling all that great. A thunderstorm would change those plans in a hurry, but they could find something to do.

Lately Vali and Finn had been getting along beautifully, so Seth really didn’t think this would be a problem.

Unfortunately, this would also eliminate any possibility of spending time in the treehouse later.

They really hadn’t done anything intimate since the first time, save for some makeout sessions whenever they could grab some time. Both were busy, trying to wrap up their Senior years by graduation. Seth was particularly focused, because he was a top contender for Valedictorian that year and he knew that would be an incredible honor. 

Plus, he just wasn’t sure he was ready for more intimacy. 

By the end of the week after they’d had sex, the soreness in his rear end had subsided and he had a couple more nightmares but he laid low and tried to rest as much as he could, and he’d been fine after a few days. 

He couldn’t help but wonder when and if there would be a next time. Surely he was expected to do it again, since he’d done it before and enjoyed it. And he did want to. Seth was sure the more they did it, the more comfortable and less anguished it would become. He just had no idea what he wanted, how to find out, or how to talk to Vali about it.  
Tonight they might’ve, but the storm had put an end to that. Vali should be there any moment and Seth could barely see the driveway for the sheets of rain cascading down.  
Indeed, by the time Vali arrived at the house, just darting in from the driveway had him resembling a drowned rat; he was soaked to the bone. Seth giggled, planting a chaste kiss on his boyfriend’s lips. 

“Get in here,” he playfully grabbed Vali’s hand and dragged him into the foyer. He noticed tension in Valentino’s shoulders but let it go, figuring he was probably cold and annoyed. 

“I’ll get you some dry stuff,” he offered. Vali sighed.

“Yes, please,” he murmured.

Seth’s sweats were maybe a touch too short for his slightly taller man, but at least he was dry and comfortable once he had changed. They sat down on the couch together, English paper forgotten, and Vali wrapped an arm around Seth’s shoulders. 

As they cuddled together on the couch, Seth could feel Vali’s stomach growl. He couldn’t help it. A giggle escaped.

“Hey!” Vali poked him, a look of mock annoyance on his face. “What’s so funny?”

“Sorry,” Seth snickered as another rumble vibrated out of his boyfriend. 

“I can’t help it. I’m hungry!”

Seth had to admit that he was hungry too; they were waiting for Roman and Megan to get back from the store with groceries and then Seth was going to make stir-fry with chicken and shrimp and loads of veggies. They’d been gone a little while now, but he figured the storm had slowed them down, and he told Vali so. The continued to chat and eventually, graduation came up.

“Can you believe we’re almost free?” Valentino asked, and Seth chuckled.

“You act like school is prison, baby,” he scolded his boyfriend gently. Vali squeezed his hand.

“I’m not smart like you,” Vali murmured in response. “I mean, Creek Ridge is definitely the best school I’ve ever been to, but a big part of that is cuz of you. I don’t hate it. But I’m pretty excited to be finished.”

“Are you looking forward to college at all?” Seth wondered.

“I...not really,” Valentino confessed. “Except that it’s one step closer to being out on our own and in our own place and real, true adults.”

It had taken awhile but they had finally agreed that since they were both staying in Houston for the time being, it made the most sense to stay with their parents and save money for as long as they could. Even though they wouldn’t be attending the same school. It was a fact that Seth hated, but he also understood it was the most realistic scenario. Valentino didn’t WANT to go to a big public university, nor did he think he could afford it. The University of Houston had offered him a small drama scholarship, but even with that it was way more than his parents could pay and Houston Community College actually had a better drama department anyway.

So the plan, for now, was for Seth to go to UH to begin his marine biology journey, beginning with as many biology courses and gen-eds as he could, and Vali would head off to HCC to begin a journey in drama. He wasn’t really able to answer the question of “what are you gonna do with a drama degree?” Seth didn’t care at all, though. In a couple of years he would have to transfer to UT-Corpus Christi so he could be near the coast to continue his education, and by then he hoped Vali had a more clear path in mind, if only so they could justify moving together, but even if he didn’t, Seth knew it didn’t matter. Even if neither of them ever made any money, they’d be happy together. 

In the meantime, they both opted to enjoy each other as much as possible and go out of high school with a bang.

“My boyfriend, the Valedictorian,” Vali kissed Seth’s cheek. “That’s so sexy.”

“Hush,” Seth shushed him. “I haven’t been appointed anything yet. I’m not the only one being considered. Don’t curse me.”

“Babe. You’re a shoo-in,” Valentino wrapped his arms around Seth and held him tight. “You’re easily the smartest guy I know.”

“I think maybe you only love me for my brain,” Seth teased.

“Hmmmmm,” Vali hummed. “Brains turn me on. I do love that brain. But I also love that smile. And that hair. And those eyes and oh my GOD, that beard. That beard is amazing. And most of all---I love that heart. You’ve got the biggest heart, Seth, and I love it the best.”

Seth couldn’t help it then; the urge to kiss his boyfriend took over and he practically climbed into his lap and planted his lips on Vali’s. It became very hot very quickly and he didn’t complain at all when Vali’s hands began to caress his butt.

Unfortunately it wasn’t long before they heard car doors. Roman and Megan were home.

“Curse this rain,” Valentino muttered darkly as Seth slowly pulled himself away. 

“ALL the curse words,” he groaned. It seemed wrong in his parents’ house with his brother and nephew down the hall but Seth couldn’t deny that he’d been getting pretty turned on.

It wasn’t long until that was shattered.

“Hey, guys!” Roman’s voice filled the air. “We’re back! Seth! You’ve got mail, bro!”

“You got the mail?” Seth said incredulously, glancing outside. It wasn’t a near hurricane anymore, but it was still raining pretty hard.

“I HAD too,” Roman replied. “As it is everything in there is pretty damp. We’ll have to spread it out on the dining room table so it can air out a little. But you’ve got a letter from the city, and it looks important. Here.”

“Thanks,” Seth took the envelope from his brother. 

Indeed, the return address read ‘County Offices, City of Houston, Harris County, TX” and it was addressed to Seth William Girardi.

“Whoa,” Vali teased, snatching it out of Seth’s hands. “Are you getting kicked out of the country or just getting arrested?”

“GIVE me that,” Seth grumbled. “I’m not the one who’s mother is from Mexico, smartass.”

“Hey, Mami is legal, “Vali protested teasingly, but Megan interrupted them.

“Play nice, boys! Seth, we got everything you asked for. How can we help with dinner?”

“You can start slicing vegetables,” Seth replied gratefully as he started digging through grocery bags. The letter was set on the counter, to be forgotten for the next hour or so as the four of them sliced onions, peppers, mushrooms, and eventually began chopping chicken into chunks.

The food was pretty good, if Seth did say so himself. Neither Roman nor Dean was terribly interested in cooking, but Seth k new he would never NOT enjoy it. Even Dean joined them at the table, though Seth noted his brother was beginning to look kind of pasty. Even Finn sat up proudly in his high chair, watching them eat, happy to be part of the group. They took turns scooping baby food into his mouth, and then Dean put a small spoonful of plain rice on the tray. 

“He eats rice cereal anyway,” he mused. “This can’t be that different right?” 

The baby was delighted, though he threw half of the rice to the dogs, and they all helped clear the table. That’s when Dean picked up Seth’s letter.

“What’s this?” Dean asked curiously.

“I dunno. I haven’t opened it yet,” Seth was trying unsuccessfully to scoop leftover rice into a Rubbermaid container, but Valentino kept tickling his sides and making him jump. 

“Looks fancy,” Dean commented. “Can I open it?”

“Sure,” Seth successfully corralled the rice into the container and picked up a dishrag, intent on wiping up the table, but Megan intercepted.

“Nope. No way. After that amazing meal? You’re off the hook.”

Seth smiled happily and reached for Valentino’s hand, all set to drag him into the living room for some cuddle time when he heard Dean swear under his breath.

“Oh, fuck.”

He looked over at his brother, who was holding Seth’s letter in his hands.

A feeling of dread settled over Seth.

“What? What does it say?” The youngest Girardi demanded.

Dean’s face was pale, or more pale perhaps, though it was hard to tell anymore. He tried to tuck the letter into his pocket but Seth held out his hand expectantly.

“Seth...little brother, it’s not important right now. Why don’t we leave these dishes, I’ll get them later, we can play one of those games Mom and Dad like---”

“No, Dean, the letter, it’s mine. I want to know what it says.”

“No...no, Seth, I really don’t think you want to know what it says,” Dean murmured quietly. He looked so stricken and for the life of him, Seth couldn’t understand it.

“Hey, Dean, dude, give him his letter,” Roman began to intervene exasperatedly but Seth was already grabbing for it again and this time he managed to snag it.  
He opened the envelope and unfolded a single sheet of paper, and began to read.

Almost immediately, his heart began to pound.

“No...oh no…” he whispered, and suddenly it felt like all of the air had been sucked out of the room.

“No no no no no no no,” Seth didn’t realize he was screaming. He just knew he couldn’t breathe and he was vaguely aware of voices around him, hands trying to steady him, but he couldn’t make sense of any of it. A haze settled over him and the room began to spin and right before the whole world went black, the last thing Seth could comprehend was the horrified look on Valentino’s face.

Then he passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I solemnly swear that I will not make you wait months for the next chapter. It's actually almost done.


	155. Facing Demons

Roman saw what began as good natured bantering on the part of his brothers, and he laughed until he realized that once Dean read Seth’s letter, his entire demeanor changed, and somehow, Roman just knew.

So it wasn’t much of a surprise to him when he watched his baby brother Seth read it too, eyes growing wider, face growing paler, and when his brother began to scream out “no,” Roman sprinted to his side.

“Seth. Listen,” Roman tried to keep his voice even amidst Dean swearing and Valentino gasping and Megan letting out an alarmed cry. He tried, God knows he did, even as baby Finn began to wail, even as Seth dropped to his knees, even as his eyes began to roll back into his head and somehow, he managed to pull his little brother into his arms before Seth completely hit the ground.

He was breathing, a series of sharp, ragged breaths. Roman cradled Seth’s upper body.

“Dean, what the FUCK?”

“It’s his father. It’s Matt Rollins; he’s getting paroled,” Dean groaned, sinking into the chair and leaning over Seth’s prone body. Dean reached down and gently patted Seth’s cheeks.

“C’mon, baby brother,” he murmured. “You’re okay.”

“We need an ambulance,” Vali sounded completely panicked, wringing his hands and kneeling near Seth. “Seth, baby, come on. Wake up. What’s going on, baby?”

“Guys, let him breathe,” Megan appeared out of nowhere with a wet dish towel and proceeded to wipe Seth’s face with it. “Roman, can you pick him up?”

Roman didn’t even need to answer; he scooped his little brother into his arms bridal-style and carried him to the living room and gently set him on the sofa. As he did, Seth let out a soft groan.

“Hey, baby boy,” he tried to keep his voice low and calm. “You’re all good, Seth, open your eyes, man.”

Seth didn’t immediately comply but he began to tremble and Roman motioned Valentino over. Vali, to his credit, appeared to be forcing himself to at least fake calm now; he no longer looked stricken, though Roman could tell by his eyes that he was extremely concerned.

“Ali?” Valentino leaned over and kissed Seth’s forehead tenderly. “Baby. C’mon, my Aladdin. Everything’s fine. Wake up.”

Seth shuddered then and let out a shriek. He tried to thrash, but Roman gently took his hands into his and held firm.

“Open your eyes,” he commanded sharply, trying to think of how his parents might handle this. Roman continued to squeeze Seth’s hands while Vali smoothed his hair away from his face. This was absolutely no good. It crossed Roman’s mind that maybe Valentino had been right about the ambulance; the last time Seth had experienced trauma was at the Helbert Center and that had taken forever to recover from. He wasn’t sure it made sense, but clearly the knowledge that Matt Rollins was going to be released from prison had incited this reaction.

The truth was that Roman really didn’t KNOW anything about Seth’s past prior to his group home experience. He knew his parents must have at least an inkling but no one ever talked about it. They’d been told when Seth arrived in the family that he’d been abandoned by his mother as an infant. His life had been described as a “hellacious existence” after that, and Roman was also aware that once Seth’s biological father had gone to jail, his experience in foster care had been ruthless. Roman didn’t need to know the details of that to be able to relate. 

It was different with Dean. Dean was an open book and there was no one in the family who didn’t know his exact history. He wasn’t shy about it. He’d tell anyone who asked about his scumbag original parents and how they’d wound up. It wouldn’t be accurate to say he didn’t care; more, probably, that he knew they could no longer harm him ever again, so what was the sense in hiding from it?

Clearly, that was a far cry from what Seth had experienced.

For the first time, Roman began to feel scared. He had no idea what he was dealing with and his only true allies, his parents, were on a different continent. How was he going to help Seth?

And then, from somewhere, the universe threw him a mulligan.

Seth, who’d been moaning and crying out sharply, but never opened his eyes, suddenly let out a sob, and then, 

“No! No, please, I’m sorry!”

An idea slowly formed.

“What are you sorry for, Seth?” Roman slowly spoke, still holding his little brother’s hands to keep him from flailing. 

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’ll be good! I’ll be good, I promise. I’ll be so good! I’m sorry!”

“I know you will. You don’t have to be sorry.”

“I WON’T DO IT AGAIN!”

“Seth, brother,” Seth’s face was contorted in obvious trepidation and his eyes were squeezed shut but it began to seem to Roman as though maybe he was having a night terror or something similar; he clearly wasn’t exactly awake but he was speaking, kind of...he was clueless, still, about what any of this meant, but he knew he had to keep talking. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Everything is fine. No one is angry with you, brother.”

“Please,” Seth sobbed hard. “Please, please, I’ll stop, please don’t hurt me, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever you say, anything, just please. I promise from now on I’ll be good.”

“You ARE good,” Roman continued quietly. “You’re so good. You do great things, Seth. He’s not a part of you anymore. He isn’t going to hurt you.”

Vali seemed to catch on.

“Seth, my Ali, my boy,” he crooned, stroking Seth’s cheeks. “You’re safe here. You’re at home and you’re safe. I love you, baby. Wake up.”

Seth began to shake his head violently.

“It’s all my fault,” he wailed. “I’m bad. I was bad. I won’t be bad. I’ll stop being bad. I promise! I promise!”

“Not bad. Good. Good, good, good,” Vali chanted quietly. “Get him out of your head, Seth. You’ve gotta fight him, baby. You didn’t do anything bad.”

“We’ve got you, baby brother,” Roman wasn’t sure they were getting anywhere, but he had to keep trying, desperate to do ANYTHING to keep Seth out of that place that he couldn’t return from and then...he felt his brother squeeze his hands. 

And then Seth’s eyes burst open and he sat up straight and flung his arms around Roman’s neck, trembling so hard Roman was afraid he’d fall right off the couch. He wrapped his arms tightly around his brother. Seth buried his face into his neck and Roman felt hot tears falling onto his skin, even as Valentino moved in behind Seth and hugged him from the back.

Sensing his needed a minute, Roman said nothing. He simply held on for dear life, because that was the only thing that he could think of to do. Valentino had rested his hand in the middle of Seth’s shoulder blades and was softly murmuring into his ear. The three of them sat like that, quiet and still, minus Seth shaking, for a good long time. A million thoughts ran through Roman’s mind but nothing was more powerful than the overpowering need to protect his brother. Finally Seth sighed and turned his face to the side.

“I want Mom,” he said in a tiny, miserable voice.

Roman didn’t loosen his grip but he did place a soft kiss into his brother’s hair.

“It’s very late where they are,” he reasoned quietly. “We need to wait a few hours; they’re probably asleep.”

Seth only nodded slowly and then he mumbled,

“If he finds me he’ll kill me.”

Valentino tensed.

Roman didn’t know how to respond to this. With nothing to really go on, he didn’t know. Maybe Matt WOULD try to kill Seth. But he certainly couldn’t say so.

“Why do you think that?” is the response Roman opted to go with instead.

There was a long pause before Seth finally whispered,

“He said so.”

“When did he say that?” This was good, this was communication finally, but Roman knew he had to keep Seth rooted in reality.

“He said it’s my fault that she left. He said I’m just like her. He said he should’ve beat me out of her. He said he wouldn’t have to hurt me if I would just be good. I’ll be good. I swear, I’ll be good, I just---”

“Seth,” his voice was a little more firm than he’d like, given the circumstances, but he needed his brother’s attention. “When? When did he tell you that?”

“The...the last time I saw him.” Seth let out a shuddering breath. Roman sat thinking, aware that Vali was stroking Seth’s hair, which seemed to be helping a little. 

“You were very small then,” he finally conceded and Seth went still. 

“I was six,” he whispered.

“Yes. You were just little. But how old are you now?” Relief washed over Roman; this was what he wanted.

“I...I’m 17.”

“Yeah. You’re all grown up now. That’s not your life anymore. Seth, it’s not. I’m here, and Valentino is here, and when Mom and Dad get back they’re going to be really fucking pissed about this, but no one is going to let him or anyone else hurt you. And you can protect yourself now. You couldn’t back then, but now? Now we all know how strong you are.”

“That’s for damn sure,” Vali muttered his agreement. Slowly Seth went limp in Roman’s arms, relaxing against him as though someone had turned him to jelly.

“I...don’t feel so strong,” Seth’s voice was tired. “I just...I don’t want him...to hurt me…”

“I know you don’t. He won’t. He hurt an already frightened, lost little boy. That’s not you, not anymore.”

“Not me,” Seth nodded slowly. “I love you, Roman.”

“I love you too, brother. I think maybe you need to take a shower and go to bed.”

“I don’t know if I can sleep. I don’t know if I want to sleep,” Seth tensed again, just a little, but Vali hugged him close.

“C’mon. I’ll get you some pajama pants while you clean up and then I’ll stay with you tonight. No funny business,” he said, turning to Roman with his hands up in the air. “Promise.”

Roman pretended to glare back at Vali but he couldn’t help the relieved smile that broke out on his face instead. 

“Better not be,” he grumbled, helping Seth to his feet.

He watched his youngest brother disappear down the hall with his boyfriend and sighed, then got up and headed to the kitchen. He was nearly there when Megan darted out of it.

“Roman! Come quick; it’s Dean.”

He didn’t need to hear more.

Roman sprinted the last few feet and there was Dean, half sprawled on the kitchen table, barely conscious.

“What the fuck? What the hell happened? Dean? Dean!”

“Don’t feel too good, Rome,” Dean mumbled. Roman rested a hand on Dean’s forehead. His brother was burning up.

“We were talking and his eyes rolled back and he just slumped over,” Megan explained. “He’s really hot.”

“Yeah, he is,” Roman didn’t even hesitate. “Megs, Vali’s getting Seth sorted out. Can you get Finn situated?”

“I’ll get Finn…” Dean groaned.

“Nope. Megan will get Finn. You’re going to the Emergency Room,” Roman helped Dean to his feet. “Will you get me a cold wet towel?”

Megan was quick to comply and she joined Roman and Dean in the garage moments later. Roman was settling Dean into the front seat and then Megan leaned in and rested the wet towel on his forehead. Dean moaned.

“Feels good,” he grunted, eyes closed.

“Roman, are you sure you don’t need help?” Megan looked worried and Roman tried to mask his own concern. He was still coming down from Seth’s breakdown and now Dean was fading fast. What the hell was going on in that house? But while yes, he really DID want Megan to come along, he also knew that Seth needed Vali’s undivided attention and someone had to look after the baby.

“We’ll be okay. I really need you to get Finn ready for bed. Hopefully it’s just the flu or strep or something. I’ll call you when I know. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Megan closed her eyes for a moment. “Okay. I can hear Finn yelling; he can’t be happy sitting in his high chair all alone. I’ll get him bathed and put to bed. What do you want me to tell Seth?”

Roman shook his head.

“Nothing. Nothing, yet. You can tell Valentino that Dean is sick and I’m taking him to the doctor, but there’s no point in upsetting Seth any more than he already is.”

Megs nodded.

“Okay. Okay, Dean, behave for your brother, okay?”

Dean was barely awake, but he managed to offer a small smile.

“Never,” he croaked.

 

______________________________________

 

Valentino had settled Seth on the toilet in the bathroom and gone to get him some clean pajamas when Megan cornered him.

“Dean’s really sick,” she revealed, stricken. “Roman took him to the ER.”

“What the hell?” Vali couldn’t hold in his surprise; it was true Dean had been working probably too hard lately, and he hadn’t looked very good at dinner but…

“I know. I don’t even know what’s going on right now. I called Clarissa and she’s going to run Lucy over and then meet them at the hospital. I’m sure he’ll be fine. It’s probably strep or something…”

“Maybe. But he looked horrid. Are you okay with babies? I’ll get Seth situated.”

“I’ve got the babies but Roman doesn’t want to say anything to Seth just yet. He’s been upset enough this evening.”

Vali wasn’t sure about this and he told Megan so.

“I understand; I really do,” she pleaded. “But I think Roman might be right. What if it’s nothing and they’re home in two hours? There’s no reason to get Seth all worked up again, unless there IS a reason. In which case, of course we’ll tell him. But for now…”

Megan trailed off and Vali sighed.

“Okay. Okay, Fine,” he conceded. “I won’t say anything...yet. But the second we find anything out, I’m not going to lie to him.”

“Of course,” Megan agreed.

Vali headed back into the bathroom where Seth sat slouched on the toilet. He was still shivering and it almost looked like he’d fallen asleep, but when Vali knelt in front of him, he startled slightly.

“Sorry,” both of them mumbled simultaneously.

“Shhh, babe, it’s okay,” Vali immediately soothed, taking Seth’s hands. Seth just shook his head.

“I don’t know how you can stay with me,” he whispered.

“I’m in love with you. I don’t know how I could possibly stay away. Especially when you need me,” Valentino softly smoothed his boyfriend’s hair back.

“But this...stuff like this...this is how it’s always going to be,” Seth whispered. “I will never be able to escape all of my demons and you...will never have any stability if you stay with me.”

Vali closed his eyes; he wasn’t sure what to say but he knew that whatever he decided upon had better be damn good. He’d never seen Seth look so defeated before, so utterly lost that his eyes, usually so lively, were now practically cloudy. 

“Whether or not,” Valentino began slowly, “I want to take on your demons with you is not up to you. I’m a grown man. I’ve already made that decision, Seth. I love your demons and I love you.”

Seth laughed mirthlessly.

“You don’t even know half of it,” he muttered. 

“So? Someday you’ll tell me, when you’re ready, and it isn’t gonna change a damn thing.”

Vali decided to let it go; he clearly wasn’t going to make any progress with Seth feeling as dark as he did. So instead he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and hugged him and felt fairly relieved when Seth sank into his embrace. They sat that way together for a few minutes before he held Seth out at arm’s length and studied him.

“C’mon,” he murmured softly. “Into the shower.”

“I’d...rather have a bath.”

He nodded.

“Okay. A bath then.”

Fifteen minutes later Valentino had run a nice, hot bath for Seth, complete with bubbles because only the best for his boyfriend. He helped Seth settle into the tub, but Seth gripped his wrist and looked at him desperately.

“I want you to get in too…”

Vali smoothed Seth’s hair back.

“Babe, I’m not sure---” he started to gently protest. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be close to Seth just then; he just wasn’t sure what was appropriate for this particular situation. Plus they were in Seth’s parents’ house…

But the second Seth’s eyes welled up with tears, Vali stopped hesitating. This was dumb; Seth clearly didn’t want anything other than comfort right now. 

Valentino stripped just down to his briefs and then slipped into the tub behind Seth, pulling him tightly into his arms.

“It’s okay,” he spoke quietly, soothingly. “I’m right here, baby.”

“I’m sorry,” Seth whispered again.

“Stop that,” Valentino replied, not exactly proud of the firmness in his voice. “I don’t know why you think you have to apologize to me, baby boy, but you don’t. You DON’T.”

“I never really knew why,” Seth continued on as though he hadn’t even heard him.

“I don’t remember being bad. I don’t remember ever causing trouble. But it just never seemed to matter.”

“That’s because it DIDN’T matter, Seth. It doesn’t sound like anything you could’ve done would have resulted differently for you. And it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“It does if he finds me.”

Seth was legitimately worried about this; Vali could tell. It broke his heart. Valentino couldn’t fathom a scenario where Seth could still be hurt by this man. But right then he supposed it didn’t matter. In Seth’s mind the probability was very real. He didn’t need his boyfriend to rationalize things. What Seth needed was reassurance.

“I don’t know if he can find you. I don’t know if he even really wants to look. But what I do know is that you’re safe from him now. I’d never let him hurt you. Never. And Roman was right earlier; you’re so much stronger now. You can stand up for yourself. You have. You saved my life; never forget that. You’ve faced bigger demons than him. Seth. You gave yourself to me and we’ve made love and it was beautiful. I just can’t...I can’t fathom the pain he put you through. But I love you and I know that no matter what happens next, you don’t have to go through things alone anymore. You’ve got me and your family and let him just try to get past Mami.”

Seth laughed a little then.

“Shit,” Vali went on. “I’d take your mom and my mom over any army. Baby boy, please, I can’t change any of this, but I need you to understand that no matter what, I’m with you. So many people are with you. And it’s okay to be afraid. It’s also okay to be angry. Just don’t let that paralyze you. It’s a terrible shock but the odds don’t favor him ever even seeing you again.”

“I know. You’re right,” Seth murmured softly. “You’re right. It’s just...hard not to let it drag me down sometimes.”

“I get it. And it’s okay if it drags you down...sometimes. It’s gonna. As long as you don’t stay there.”

Seth shifted so that he could rest his head on Valentino’s shoulder and Vali rubbed his back until the water got cold and then he helped his boyfriend dry off and get dressed in comfortable pajama pants. As expected, Seth didn’t want to be left alone and without a clue what was happening with Dean, Valentino knew he couldn’t leave. So he threw his parents a text and then held Seth tight, content for the time being to just lay still and protect him, but also fully aware that this probably wasn’t over yet.


End file.
